I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.
we gave some random guy a shot for shoveling our sidewalk.
I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.
Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.
Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?
What would you do in exchange for having a girl eat a waffle house waffle off your body?
If thou arrisest to consciousness before I, rise me to an office of alertness for occupations such as brunch. Warm Regards, your roommate.
people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back
VAGINAS ASSEMBLE!
I'm not seeing this movie with you.
He has no idea he’s my boyfriend.
Who put the toilet in the living room? This is extremely inconvenient right now.
Right. He was like "I'll be here all night if I have to..." I was like "Well then, I'll have to call the cops..."
And it only took a fake engagement ring, a condom and a bowl of weed
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