Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?
No...more like a life jacket.
If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.
I think I just broke my ankle. I've only had one beer. I'm getting drunk before I go to the ER so it's less embarassing.
I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.
He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.
Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am
I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.
Update... last night a man tried to bite my ear. I think he swallowed my pearl earring.
You gave me your shirt to use as a napkin every time I spilled beer on myself. Before we went to the bar.
You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...
The doctor that gave me my std test is trying to hook me up with her daughter lol
So woke up naked and found my clothes from last night in my kitchen with a half eaten quesadilla
You challenged a dog groomer that she couldn't cut human hair ... How's the shaved head
How did people get blow jobs before text messaging?
Gameplan: If the cops show up, find a potted plant to hide behind... It's worked before!
Randomize
