Texts From Last Night · SYDN3Y's Favorites

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SYDN3Y's Favorites Texts:

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(914): View more from New York

I've never known a guy to fuck more random girls in the ass then Dom. His rectal kill ratio is at like 85%

(1-914): View more from New York

He's like the Derek Jeter of Anal

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(406): View more from Montana

A guy dressed like Jesus just gave me a mini keg. Prayers really do come true.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Weekday college schedule so far: get high as tits. Watch Family Guy marathons. Repeat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

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(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(704): View more from North Carolina

That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

he definitely had sex before you were fully potty trained.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You left me on the phone while you grabbed a plastic bag and started puking. I recorded it. Its my new ringtone for you

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(530): View more from California

I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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(314): View more from Missouri

If I ever mention marriage force me to Brazil to do coke and strippers until I die.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

I mean I drunk but not enough to handle a Scientology convention

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ok fine. Wild. Free. Like a stallion set free in a beautiful meadow filled with flowers and sexy lady horses

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(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Trying to grind with crutches was not a success

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(802): View more from Vermont

lets just say that i have already today: gotten drunk, got in a fight, got stranded an hour away from home, found a ride, sobered up, and slept. woken back up, and here i am. its been a long day. Day drinking is bad for friendships.

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The vagina on Hilton Head is mighty fine this time of year.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(646): View more from New York

you're my knight in shining pee-resistant armor

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

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(714): View more from California

I cant believe you went home with her.. Your poor immune system and the shit you put it through.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

he threw my burrito on the ground and said im too drunk. fuck that guy.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

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(313): View more from Michigan

There was a stripper pole on the party bus. Was being past tense because some fat chick somehow tore it from the ceiling while grinding

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(817): View more from Texas

You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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(323): View more from California

Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

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(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(716): View more from New York

When she was dating that guy she told me If they broke up, I would receive a call and no matter what I was doing I'd have to go over a fuck her. It's like being an EMT for sex.

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I love you, but you should know I'll always ditch you for weed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(619): View more from California

Watching the gap toothed girl get more ass than me is almost devastating.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Does the blue bra belong to your sister or cousin?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Any day you don't mysteriously wake up in the garbage is a good day.

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(818): View more from California

I woke up with cheeseburger in my mouth and a deep sense of accomplishment.

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(817): View more from Texas

I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Maid of honor is brides sister and single. Likes lemondrops. You're welcome.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was ugly to the point i wanted to brush my teeth after looking at her

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(716): View more from New York

honey bunches of taint.

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(616): View more from Michigan

when you close your eyes do you see, that mystical creature will be me.

(248): View more from Michigan

who is this?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

White boys cant dance....we did an empirical study

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(818): View more from California

Funny, I didnt know that facebook statuses were for crappy song lyrics

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Myspace is for pedophiles and tweakers in the 818 trying to hook up. I always forget theres music there too

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah that's one way to look at it on the other hand MY FUCKING BED CAUGHT ON FUCKING FIRE

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(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a certain level of slut that i can handle.... I think she just broke that scale

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(913): View more from Kansas

So the bros are yelling at another bro to get that dildo off the roof. And there is indeed a dildo looking object on the roof.

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(517): View more from Michigan

someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

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(817): View more from Texas

I refuse to have another spring break doomed by pregnancy.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was so drunk last night, I had to Wikipedia what i did.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Nope, Im Irish and pissed with some drunk mixed in...therefore punching things is the best solution to every problem.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(650): View more from California

I love online classes. Spent the last part of my lecture taking apart a teabag and filling it with weed.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I told her I was horny and she said to forget it because she has vagina drama.

(770): View more from Georgia

WHAT IN THE HELL IS VAGINA DRAMA?!

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You love him. Dinosaurs. Math. Sex.

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(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

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(802): View more from Vermont

I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(513): View more from Ohio

someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'll alert the authorities

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I feel like tequila is Gods way of lighting my fuse to do something awesome

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."

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(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i really wish someone from a royal background would fuck me so i could literally say i was 'royally fucked'.

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(650): View more from California

i say over christmas we have a beer pong competition with the cousins and see who really has the best genes in the family.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

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(416): View more from Toronto

Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm at a bar that has girls so awful looking even you would not have sex with them.

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

Well... I doubt that.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(845): View more from New York

Some girl just toasted to friendship and love. I want to break her neck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

You can bone my sister, but I will end our friendship if you write 'LOLERS' one more time at the end of your texts.

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(503): View more from Oregon

What's the point of being healthy if people still don't want to fuck you?

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(813): View more from Florida

So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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(804): View more from Virginia

They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm duct taped to my bed with a condom in my hand. something went wrong

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its like Laser Tag, but more fun because it ends in sex

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(573): View more from Missouri

My freaking DENTIST just commented on my hickies. Through the novacaine I managed to mumble 'It was my birthday' and she smiled knowingly.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm so high, I forgot to harvest my farmville crops....noooooooo.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

Worst stoner tragedy.

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(812): View more from Indiana

For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

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(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He doesn't need a wingman, he needs a miracle

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(937): View more from Ohio

What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

The worlds most fuckable chipmunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(513): View more from Ohio

ashley and jimmy are about to have sex on degrassi.... EVERYONES GETTING LAID BUT ME

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(479): View more from Arkansas

yeah bitch needs to recognize there's only one person with this face

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She does have a great personality.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Yeah, in her vagina.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He dyes his hair, fake tans and lies constantly. What did you really expect from him?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

A better fuck for starters.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

your ex dropped by. you can call me dwight howard, cuz im the king of rebounds

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(650): View more from California

Kris Allen: Jason Mraz mixed with John Mayer and a splash of orgasmmm

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(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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(478): View more from Georgia

We were gonna play Truth or Dare but like 10 minutes in we decided to get naked and play Dare or Get the fuck out.

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(707): View more from California

He somehow managed to accomplish karate kicking a door down, cockblocking my friend in the room, and writing "tits" all over the house with a blue sharpie.

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(714): View more from California

if that's jizz on my steering wheel i'm gonna be pissed...and impressed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You SHOULD feel empty, we were at the top of our game, and by that i mean snorting things we don't understand and only a few steps away from adultery.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

who paints a picture of their own dick and sends it to people. i dont know if its borderline crazy or just fucking genius...

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(260): View more from Indiana

I've decided, even as much fun as it sounds, I don't care for his sodomy box.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You act like this is the first time I literally thought I was invisible.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm really sorry we tried to have sex on top of you last night.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(707): View more from California

someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Bisexual people are plain selfish.

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(716): View more from New York

You can't have your penis and eat it, too.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(616): View more from Michigan

He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(619): View more from California

I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.

(1-619): View more from California

You literally just made my flesh crawl.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not to broken up about it. Our relationship was worse than a coldplay song.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Does the phrase 'traumatizing near-threesome' mean anything to you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

If Amber from Teen Mom can get a new boyfriend, so can I.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

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(740): View more from Ohio

i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(239): View more from Florida

all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(319): View more from Iowa

True true and the only thing that will burn more than the vodka we will consume is the shame in our loved one's eyes

(847): View more from Illinois

And yet we make it a tradition to get inappropriately drunk at family functions. We amaze me.

(319): View more from Iowa

At least it's not a funeral this time... I feel we're making improvements.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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