Texts From Last Night · amark09's Favorites

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amark09's Favorites Texts:

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(616): View more from Michigan

if masturbating while stoned isn't called "weed whacking" then i just don't know how to live my life anymore

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.

(816): View more from Missouri

I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.

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(914): View more from New York

2 men making out for 2 seconds to trick a cop so they don't get arrested for being pulled over rolling a blunt is not gay.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just want to let you know that when you try and lie about the "solid 10" you brought home last night, I've got a picture of her and about 10 reasons you should have left her at the bar starting with those martin scorsese eyebrows.

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(512): View more from Texas

Dude. My cat just tried to bat the tampon string hanging from body. NOT COOL, SEYMOUR. NOT COOL.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He said I was cute and he handed me a stuffed bear from his car. I don't care that he was 80, I named it Hector.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me I didn't help an old woman shave her vagina last night. Please.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

That's the least of the fucked up shit you did last night dude.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I just wrote a poem about your penis but it was totally unintentional.

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(818): View more from California

I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

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(716): View more from New York

Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I told him to keep his feelings in his pants because they're annoying and to just fuck me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my roommates friend slept in my bed when i was out of town..she ran out screaming cause she saw my VCR

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Figured I'd get right to the point

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(619): View more from California

Right when I walked into the party my boyfriend stood up and yelled, "HEY TITS, GET ME A BEER!"

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

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(207): View more from Maine

I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well

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(330): View more from Ohio

So I fucked an Aussie broad with huge feeders last nite 2x... Before banging her she was blowin me & I thought: "SHE IS GOIN DOWN-UNDER ON ME". Laughed out loud

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you took out flashcards at the bar and went around asking guys what totalitarianism meant.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(480): View more from Arizona

They need to add a relationship status option on fb that says "having the baby of..."

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(913): View more from Kansas

is it really this hard to find a guy i can fuck and have a good time with who doesn't ask where things are going btwn us?

(312): View more from Illinois

you sound like my dream girl

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

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(813): View more from Florida

either she said she was feeling frisky or eating friskies..i was too drunk to understand.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(646): View more from New York

ParTy fuckkin suckkkks bro I gotta fid sum biTch 2 leT me fire sum loadz on her FACE!

(812): View more from Indiana

?

(646): View more from New York

Nah, but can you imagine if I were seriously like that?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(256): View more from Alabama

You took my girl thats shot the Fuck out. You better watch your skinny ass.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's barely a sentence. Who's your girl? I think you've got the wrong number. I haven't even lived in Alabama for 4 years.

(256): View more from Alabama

Yeah, I do, I'm sorry. I meant 205 not 256. sorry about that.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

Good luck with your revenge in Birmingham.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I haven't gotten laid in forever. I'm obsessed. I imagine I this is how Ethopians feel about food.

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(818): View more from California

you told me your penis was albino and it couldnt be exposed to light so you needed to keep it in me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.

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(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(305): View more from Florida

She was sleeping without a shirt so I thought I wouldI sneaked a peek at her nipples..than I realized they were just warts...on her back.

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(216): View more from Ohio

My Blind Date Arrived. She looks like something I'd draw with my left hand.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just sold all of my pants in order to buy tonight's whiskey. Goodbye, high functioning alcoholism. Hello, Dad.

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(631): View more from New York

I felt kinda bad after screaming 'ITS MY BIRTHDAY TOO' while he was having a seizure in the front of the party bus.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

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(707): View more from California

OMFG, I'm seriously about to get fairly unpolite with this guy.

(1-707): View more from California

Wow. I bet he's shakin' in his boots.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(540): View more from Virginia

then you asked me to turn your jeans into "jorts" just long enough to cover your ballsack

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(970): View more from Colorado

What did you want me to do? You know I don't like fat people. I'm an asshole to them sober it only gets worse when I'm drunk

(1-970): View more from Colorado

That doesn't make it okay! You tried kicking the girl's mom out where we were having the party at!

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(330): View more from Ohio

you announced to everyone at the bar "fuck girls. they're confusing. im gonna start having sex with boys now"

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(863): View more from Florida

haha it's okay then, bc he only killed a canadian, they're not real people

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whenever I'm sad I just imagine if babies were born with mustaches...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(831): View more from California

Hey, what are you up to?

(802): View more from Vermont

Drinking wine with the guys and watching 7 Pounds.

(802): View more from Vermont

Looking back I guess I could have changed that to beer and Die Hard.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

tequila makes my crab dance SOOOO much better

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(217): View more from Illinois

My key broke off while I was turning the key. I can't pull the broken key out. Not only am i locked outside, so is the rest of the building.

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(206): View more from Washington

remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?

(206): View more from Washington

joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

dude you apologized to her after she called you stupid. you were like "no i'm sorry, you shouldn't have to be around stupid people, it's my fault"

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(631): View more from New York

I am not drunk. I will recite the pledge.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't want you to recite the pledge!

(631): View more from New York

Pledge alligien to america to united states of america

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(614): View more from Ohio

so are u like ashamed lol?

(513): View more from Ohio

not really. i dont look at it as being homeless. im just going to pretend im on an extended camping trip

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(514): View more from Quebec

i'm home, then i'll come over

(1-514): View more from Quebec

ightttt gangstaaaaaaaaaaaa

(514): View more from Quebec

nvm.

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(714): View more from California

dude facebook disabled my account because im registered under a false identity. now in order to get it back, i have to prove that it's really my name. i sent them an email and had to sign it "Cordially, Lloyd Pancakes"

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

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(415): View more from California

Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(248): View more from Michigan

I loved tuna sandwiches so much in grade school it was so embarrassing

(248): View more from Michigan

Everyday all the kids would be like oh grosss whose eating tuunnaa

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(415): View more from California

I woke up because I was nodding to the dream question of "would you like a sombrero?"

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(443): View more from Maryland

He just said "Chunky" very loudly in his sleep.

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(407): View more from Florida

We walked because you started screaming when you finally realized he wasn't Ben Bailey and it wasn't the Cash Cab.

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude I just figured out the mystery flavor of airhead is vodka sprite, no way i'm wrong

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

its summer. and we all know college gfs do not count in summer.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

college gfs dont count ever. theyre like getting corn rows in jamaica. you feel cool at the time. then you go home and people make fun of you.

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(917): View more from New York City

we ran out of wine so you tried to make some by throwing grapes and nail polish remover in a blender.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Gordon Ramsey's restaurant in NY is $150 each for the chef's menu

(781): View more from Massachusetts

So you're taking me there this weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh, looks like he just opened a new restaurant right by us- it's called "McDonald's". Must be scottish food.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(616): View more from Michigan

I fell asleep with crest white strips on and ate one...

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(785): View more from Kansas

whoever created level 16 on brickbreaker is a dick

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up canola oil? she lives by wegmans

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who is canola oil?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you're an idiot.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i spent 15 mins trying to take money out of ATM with my drivers license saying, "what the fuckkkk" everytime it didnt work

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up (not at home) to find out I kissed Ryan Caberra, flashed for free gumbys and carried around an inflatable moose named Johnson. Great success.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(914): View more from New York

you told the cop you blew a .08 because you ate poppy seeds

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Some milfs here doing some blow

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Dad?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Have you come up with a team name for the beer pong tournament on Saturday?

(708): View more from Illinois

We can be the stepdads. If anyone asks why say because we beat you and you hate us.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I am engaged

(262): View more from Wisconsin

To a real live girl that has met me

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(831): View more from California

There is a man on the balcony beside me who claims he is a triceratops. He roared and asked me for a cigarette, telling me he'd eat me if I refused. I love college.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

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(631): View more from New York

we were in your room and your mom was singing twinkle twinkle little star in the hallway. so you decided to scream "twinkle? TWINKLE! What Fucking little star?!"

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(217): View more from Illinois

You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(314): View more from Missouri

I hate the hobo that sits outside our building

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Joe or Chris?

(314): View more from Missouri

do i even wanna kno y u kno their names?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

well i came home drunk one night and Chris offered me a beer as i was coming in, it was kinda weird but i wasn't goin to deny a free beer. you're proolly talkin about Joe though, he's the one with the fucked up eye.

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(512): View more from Texas

OMG! Someone dumped chocolate soft-serve in the bathroom! Dibs!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

please stop referring to my baby as "your little fucker"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just woke up to me licking the dognuts

(623): View more from Arizona

You mean Doughnuts?

(602): View more from Arizona

......No :(

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(616): View more from Michigan

dude you need to get laid

(906): View more from Michigan

me?

(616): View more from Michigan

no, the other guy who hasn't been laid in 7 months

(906): View more from Michigan

oh I thought you were talkin about me

(906): View more from Michigan

wait

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(614): View more from Ohio

how much land on farmville do you have now? i sold all my shit to make room i need more money... these animals need to know I'm running a business not a charity.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.

(+27): View more from South Africa

I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why is half of me covered in green stuff that won't come off?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

You stripper-danced on a light pole in the quad. It had fresh paint on it.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(870): View more from Arkansas

may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

A homeless guy asked you to feel your boobs, you accepted in exchange for his broom to go with your witch costume..... that's when I cut you off

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(303): View more from Colorado

Billy Mays died!

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I know. And the US is beating brazil...what's wrong with the world?

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(352): View more from Florida

What are you doing?

(352): View more from Florida

High. Watching Billy Mays infomercials...

(352): View more from Florida

That guy could sell me cancer.

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(925): View more from California

just had sex with a midget and didnt wrap it... were totally gonna have a tv show :)

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Are we still dressing up as garden gnomes for halloween?

(518): View more from New York

No. I would like to get laid again before I graduate.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(443): View more from Maryland

shhh. i hid the ranch dip behind the rooster. don't tell anyone that way you can find it in the morning and it won't be all eaten.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

wrong number but thanks

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(243): View more from

the bitch is dead man

(1-243): View more from

YOUR DOG DIED?

(243): View more from

no i meant my mom has passed out .. so i'll be over soon.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He looks like Spencer from the game Dreamphone

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Her cum face looks like the large marge scene in pee-wees big adventure

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

you traded sex for a burrito?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(425): View more from Washington

Hi

(805): View more from California

Babe...You're really smothering me right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hate you, and I hope you have babies soon that you love very much. Then I will steal them and feed them to sharks, and you will be so heart broken that you never want to have any more kids and you'll just hide out in a dark room all day wondering how someone could feed another persons babies to sharks.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(480): View more from Arizona

just sold my soul for a pack of cigaroos. little do they know they got the short end of the deal. suckers.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(903): View more from Texas

Your vagain smells worse when im sober.

(903): View more from Texas

sorry, worng number

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(615): View more from Tennessee

so evidently yelling "gay" everytime your bf tells you how he feels is cause for breakup. news to me

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(509): View more from Washington

Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin

(253): View more from Washington

was*

(509): View more from Washington

True, R.I.P.

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me I talked like a deaf person

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(440): View more from Ohio

We are allowed to think Jacob from Twilight is hot in 468 days!

(1-440): View more from Ohio

I don't know what is sadder, the fact that you figured that out or the fact that I can't wait until then!!

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(404): View more from Georgia

FYI..good luck when you get back from work.. mom and dad know about the boy you brought home last night

(1-404): View more from Georgia

haha good one..how did you even know?

(404): View more from Georgia

we all know. he obviously didn't leave when you might have told him to.. he came down when we were eating because he coud smell mom's cooking. the dude ate with us and offered to say grace. so yeah, good luck.

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(914): View more from New York

Unless you watched your mom's very literal rendition of "I touch myself" while she was wearing a bikini, your vacation wasn't as bad as mine.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

MY DAD AND I ARE ON OUR WAY OUT OF FLORENCE AND I JUST SAW A MAN AT A BUS STOP WITH A GIMP HAND SLAP HIS DAUGHTER ACROSS THE FACE WITH IT.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your mom has a birthmark right next to her nipple

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(912): View more from Georgia

i think i will get a tattoo on my butt that says "im not bluffin with my muffin", but i guess if i was serious, i would get it above my c-section scar

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(804): View more from Virginia

So how Liz Lemon is this? I bring a boy home, we get in bed, and I realize there's a lean pocket wrapper in the sheets.

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(681): View more from West Virginia

Where are I am going home with Ryan

(601): View more from Mississippi

I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nothing ended up happening last night because he couldn't get my overalls or fanny pack off. I woke up this morning with one strap over my overall shorts on, my fanny pack wrapped around my chest, and the baby doll still tied to my hand. Ugh white trash parties!

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(616): View more from Michigan

this girl looks like the female version of brooke hogan

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(816): View more from Missouri

At Grandmas for dinner. She is drinking a smirnoff ice. As soon as I saw it I had to stop myself from yelling chug.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

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(305): View more from Florida

considering you've had every STD known to man, you think if i sent you a picture of my dick (no homo) you could tell me whats growing on it?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you'll be glad to know I got kicked off the microphone at a bar in Breckenridge last night thanks to my country rendition of all star

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(870): View more from Arkansas

You called information & said "connect me to johnny depp" when they told u it wasn't listed u said " try depp comma johnny he's expecting my call"

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(714): View more from California

i just opened the overnight bag i packed at 2am last night. Apparently all i thought id need was a handful of quarters, mascara and one sock

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(817): View more from Texas

I had a dream last night that I had to pretend I liked Dave Matthews Band to impress this girl I was talking to.

(817): View more from Texas

I guess it was more of a nightmare.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

why did your cousin post "out tonight" on facebook? doesn't he know it's only 1 in the afternoon?

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

shhh don't tell him. it's cloudy out and none of his clocks work

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(914): View more from New York

Billy Mays is dead, Vince Schlomi is in jail, who's going to sell me useful gadgets at ridiculously low prices now?!

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(312): View more from Illinois

i wonder why nobody wants to date me...im doing a crossword at work and asked out loud: whats a 4 letter word for 'a reason to get married?'

(312): View more from Illinois

i was like PREG?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(407): View more from Florida

so this guy on craigslist is offering a case of beer to shave his back. i think i'm gonna take him up on it.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(323): View more from California

You got in a fight last night?

(818): View more from California

Yeah! Some dude in the bathroom...he was standing there and I notice he's got the same shirt as me on so I'm like...dude you should have called me, we look like idiots...he didn't say anything...so i got pissed and hit him...completely decimated and my hand was all bloody and covered with glass afterward...weird dude, never saw him again that night or since.

(323): View more from California

Um...Did this guy happen to look almost exactly like you?

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(509): View more from Washington

That's why girls suck all the time. Blah blah nag nag drama drama buy me things but I won't touch your penis

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(248): View more from Michigan

do you know mcdonalds refuses to give out large cups of water now? you have to buy a bottle or they give you a small cup. No exceptions.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

RUDE.

(248): View more from Michigan

I said FINE, then I'd like 7 small waters and 2 of those nifty carrying cases to carry about my h2o.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

outsmarted mickey deeeees

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(316): View more from Kansas

Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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(224): View more from Illinois

you just kept bragging about how there was a "pretty large" chance that you had pooped on the same toilet as George Clooney

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

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(206): View more from Washington

I would do laundry with you but I vaguely remember swallowing all my quarters last night as some kind of trick.

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I wanted to dispute a few 411 charges on my phone bill. The service rep told me I called them four times asking for Lady Gaga's number.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just heard a teenager say to his friend "dats my baby! i was hittin her up on myspace like gurllll. she got me steamin". must have missed the memo its 2005 and we still use myspace.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(716): View more from New York

I took chris brown's side in the conversation ... cut to me not getting laid tonight

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

she spent the whole night flailing her arms because "primates are the only species who can move their arms like that and we shouldn't waste it"

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(614): View more from Ohio

she read insantiy as in-nast-tit-ty and asked what the hell does that mean...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(361): View more from Texas

Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(310): View more from California

Why does it always sting when I'm breaking the seal taking a piss?

(770): View more from Georgia

b/c u have herpes

(310): View more from California

No i said "always", not "since 2003" Asshole.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(607): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that I was the one that killed Biggie

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(810): View more from Michigan

Jon just got arrested by the quesadilla police

(616): View more from Michigan

What?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

What I actually meant, is I had a quesadilla, and Jon got arrested by the real police

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Mat is currently running around his basement "trying to catch oxygen in his mouth."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(217): View more from Illinois

That guy youre talking to looks like Brian from Family Guy.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i got excepted to unl lol

(402): View more from Nebraska

You mean "accepted".

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(847): View more from Illinois

She guessed my name 9 times, and 5 of those times she guessed Mike. Figured that'd be an easy target for the night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you kept making us tell you how cute you looked in your new outfit, even after you threw up all over it

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told her I'd give her some of the cream I was using so she didn't get my warts. That's when I realized I was too drunk.

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