Texts From Last Night · ashes811's Favorites

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ashes811's Favorites Texts:

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(513): View more from Ohio

so some random man just messaged me on facebook "tig ol bitties" should i be concerned?

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(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I ended up staying at a police station for being a witness in a public masturbation case..NOW do you believe me that I've never had a good St. Patrick's Day?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(630): View more from Illinois

We didn't have beer, so we played mini-beer pong with shots and frozen peas.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(616): View more from Michigan

im just going to wait until i dont feel like the grim reaper is having sex with me

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried really hard to get you laid last night. And by that I mean I asked a bunch of dudes if they were top or bottom.

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(917): View more from New York City

Also, never say you're cool with a threesome if they ask. That shit's a trap.

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(650): View more from California

I just put up a picture on my dorm room wall of that ginger you hooked up with to remind myself that everyone makes mistakes

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bring it all. We will have a potluck of drugs. It will be magical.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(302): View more from Delaware

Everything was good until you pulled the bartenders hair because she cut you off

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(281): View more from Texas

Some great men died of syphilis. I accept your compliment.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Holy mother of cocks. I was grind-with-my-boss drunk last night.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

was i over the top when i said that i wished they made v-neck pants to her?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(360): View more from Washington

She just stuck her hand down the strippers pants. Shit just got real.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You fell asleep mid BJ last night. I put your pants back on you. My ego is pretty bruised this morning.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

i'm so sad bro, I can't get any pussy. I'm so sad

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(214): View more from Texas

i think the world will end when pigs can fly. think about it, everyone says blah blah when pigs fly. so shit would be going down if they ever can.

(1-214): View more from Texas

oh fuck your right

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(254): View more from Texas

oh but the power of the cock will take you to places you never been..i flew to hawaii once to sleep witha chick

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(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes

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(815): View more from Illinois

I asked my mother if she peed on that chair, she said "not bad" There is no good level of pee on a chair.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Ha Ha the cop that just pulled me over would like me to tell you hi!

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(410): View more from Maryland

Last night he was fingering me with one hand to his ear, calling himself 'dj clittles'

(301): View more from Maryland

Thats what happens when go home with guys that wear shutter shades to the bar..

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(818): View more from California

dude, i look like john mccains neck right now

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Canada is now making docos about life in America. Its called Trailer Park Boys.

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(972): View more from Texas

Abreva sucks. I applied it as directed and now it looks like I fed the herpes. They're throwing a party on my bottom lip.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Do you remember that blonde girl he brought home from the bar on Friday night? She didn't leave until Monday afternoon. We didn't even know she was still in his room...what a sketchy weekend.

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yo im tryna cop a beej tonight

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just caught my mom fingering herself in the bathroom...Im moving out.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(203): View more from Connecticut

im so glad i don't have to work tomorrow. I'm spendin all night on the new call of duty.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Wow. That's the gayest thing you ever said.

(203): View more from Connecticut

Look man i'm staying in playing videogames and growing a beard. Its not like i'm trying to get a girlfriend.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I just had a girl text me from knoxville "come see me. we'll go for drinks and I can make you breakfast"

(646): View more from New York

how do you like your eggs?

(865): View more from Tennessee

over tits

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(443): View more from Maryland

He wore homemade jorts on our first date. I'm not sure if I should leave now or embrace the white trash lust and marry him

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(941): View more from Florida

Your braces fetish is going to end up biting you in the dick.

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(936): View more from Texas

She's "scared" of blowjobs, so she just played with it for a while.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm going to buy you a pony but under one condition: you have to name it sarah jessika parker

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(773): View more from Illinois

you want me

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'd rather choke on a dick.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(417): View more from Missouri

I'm sweating while I eat mac and cheese. That fat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just got a rly sharp new razor and was shaving down there...

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

and?

(609): View more from New Jersey

RIP clitoris

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(937): View more from Ohio

He was really drunk and I dared him to jump the swimming pool on his bike. Sadly he couldn't. Hey did you know a testicle can burst?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

just woke up in the hotel with gummi bears all around me and someone took the tv

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

we took the tv and as for the gummi bears don't eat them you put em in her vagina

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(913): View more from Kansas

I told her Billy Mays couldn't convince me to sleep with her

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(209): View more from California

he said my vag tasted like ravioli n pennies... i forgot I was on my period

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

she just fell off the couch. onto a bag of pretzels. her face resembled a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm trashed wearing your mom's snuggie. She says hello.

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(949): View more from California

hell yes lets make some ravioli

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Come back if u want to. I'll do some dirty shit to u mamacita.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I was at circle k buying gas and this girl in a papa johns uniform comes up and is like " I've got a bunch of extra pizzas. Large peperoni for $5." then she went to her trunk and pulled one out. It felt like a drug deal for a fat person

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(586): View more from Michigan

You're my favorite asian/girl I've met here.

(248): View more from Michigan

You're ridiculous

(586): View more from Michigan

Your hot

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pappa wants mamma naked

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what part of "i slept with our hot teacher" are you not excited about?!

(1-410): View more from Maryland

the part where you beat me to him

(410): View more from Maryland

fair enough.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like trying to pry an octopus off you. Except the octopus speaks English and can get drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Chipotle...archenemy of the gay man. Cockblocking me since 1997

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(314): View more from Missouri

i just packed a bowl on a big bird place mat and smoked it in a spaceship with a slide. i love babysitting.

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(214): View more from Texas

She vajazzled her vag. It was as useless as putting earrings on chewbacca

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm cybering, it's been a while and its more in depth than it was in 8Th grade.

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(217): View more from Illinois

you passed out when you kept trying to hold your breath during the underwater scenes of 2012

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

New invention idea: vibrating tampons

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

we were on a sandy mattress. i was wearing a sweatshirt with a poodle on it and eating a whopper jr. i wouldn't have fucked me either.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I might have a beer. Just to keep this hangover on its toes.

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