Texts From Last Night · jessicac9165's Favorites

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(678): View more from Georgia

She busted her face in a tragic twerking accident. Marking the 2nd time I have peed my pants laughing.

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(979): View more from Texas

I had to have the guy I went out with last night come pick me up from the hotel the next morning after I ditched him for a firefighter..don't even talk to me about a walk of shame

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(901): View more from Tennessee

at least you got your priorties in line. new years first, than the baby.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

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(+44): View more from England

He shouted my World of Warcraft name while we were having sex, and he was sober.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(636): View more from Missouri

It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(509): View more from Washington

ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And then the cop told me my court date was on 4/20. I said come onn u really gunna do me like that

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(816): View more from Missouri

is it bad that listening to the rabbi's wife talk about how we should only be with one person is making me really, really horny for no string attached sex

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(410): View more from Maryland

Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

apparently 9 shots of absynthe does not take away your skill to walk. i just woke up under a tree in some field on the other side of town with 4 hours missing.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Well i just wrestled a cop... p.s. i won

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I said I wanted my dignity back. He brought my thong to me after sharpie-ing "dignity" on the front. I'm not sure if I should me mad or impressed.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just rubbed my dick on something in your apartment. Can you guess what?

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(323): View more from California

Dude, the girl i fucked last night left wearing my high school musical shirt you bought me. she also left her panties here though.

(562): View more from California

The one with Zac Efrons face on it? You definitely got the short in of the stick. i'd rather have the shirt

(323): View more from California

fuck. yeah me too. i don't even think these panties would fit me

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(864): View more from South Carolina

A moment of silence for all our pussy whips bro's who had to endure the NEW MOON premier!

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(858): View more from California

batman tramp stamp. Dibs.

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(251): View more from Alabama

She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Balls are like the throw pillows of the penis

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(269): View more from Michigan

just do him I won't tell jon

(1-269): View more from Michigan

um i'm guessing you meant to send this to tina, thanks for the support in our relationship you whore

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(206): View more from Washington

remember them days when you seriously wanted your mom to marry rev run and we would always talk shit about justine?

(206): View more from Washington

joeyyyy why you always taken cheeseburgers from me?!?!?!

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Reindeer Drinking Games will soon commence. Get over here while we're still sober enough to answer the door.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(315): View more from New York

the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.

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(415): View more from California

No, I'm a firm believer in "Swallow or it isn't love."

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(785): View more from Kansas

Going to a party tonight. Sorority girls will be there. Primary goal of the night: make one cry. Secondary goal: become a father.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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(503): View more from Oregon

i met a boy and i'm in lovvvvveeeeeeee and we're going to vegas and getting marrrrrriiiieeeeedddddd!

(360): View more from Washington

let's be honest with each other here, that's about the worst idea you've ever had. you need to walk this one off.

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(213): View more from California

Hey, could you leave the door unlocked? Keys seem hard right now.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my coke dealer is running a Black Friday special

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just got a citation from campus security for an "accordion disturbance."

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(770): View more from Georgia

So you know that marine I slept with, well his girlfriend just told me I was pretty, I almost feel bad for sleeping with him now...

(404): View more from Georgia

Dont! You were just serving you country

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(917): View more from New York City

I actually had no interest in him until he started talking about his 4 arrests. That made him go from a 5 1/2 to a 8, easily.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes i think i'm bisexual but then i realize the only girl i'm attracted to is myself.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Now he's talking about how he's writing in a journal because he doesn't remember "his thought patterns when he was in elementary and that's distressing". I'm walking home. Fuck this.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I walked outside out to find her peeing in her toga with a cigar in one hand and her thong in the other

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude stop sending me pictures of your dick in weird places. i get it. you rock out with your cock out.

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(631): View more from New York

My lack of memory is directly related to being friends with you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

On the one hand, she would be the biggest mistake of my year. On the other hand, she's here and drunk.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(641): View more from Iowa

since we're both too lazy to go to each others house, you drink there, i'll drink here and we'll skype. it's the same thing.

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(646): View more from New York

we've been dating more than a month and i just realized there's no hair on his chest..

(219): View more from Indiana

you've had sex with him. you must've seen him naked.

(646): View more from New York

nah, i feel like naked sex would be getting too serious for us..

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Halfway through banging her I realized that she was playing a sex playlist on her iPod...first time actually having sex to R.Kelly's "bump and grind"

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just woke up in the beanbag bin at walmart

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(214): View more from Texas

I think she just tried to waterboard me with her vagina.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm taking a dump and eating a fortune cookie and it said "Force it to be successful"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you have any idea why i woke up naked spooning my toaster?

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(607): View more from New York

so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

and if it starts getting weird im just going to tell him i used to be a man

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(404): View more from Georgia

she thought Martin Luther king was a president at one time. I love knowing I broke up with my ex and this is what he ends up dating.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It saddens me that girls will never know the wonder feeling of pulling your sweaty nutsack off of your leg.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just passed one of the bars and saw my mom kissing another woman. This can't be good....right?

(303): View more from Colorado

Knowing your life, probably not.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Whoa Z and x make the same sound

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In Canada she would be a 10 but here in America she's only a 7

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(847): View more from Illinois

I want to jerk off but my dog won't leave me alone. It's the most depressing cock block ever.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I know it's getting bad when I wash the bong more often then the dishes

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(714): View more from California

I need hand sanitizer and jesus.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I masturbated on the webcams with my bf yesterday then typed without washing my hands first... then my roommate used my laptop it was pretty priceless

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(303): View more from Colorado

The pink midgets playing hockey is the EXACT reason cold meds and alcohol do not mix. Period.

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I wish we had a justin bieber to wanna fuck when we were younger... But noooo we just had hanson

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(602): View more from Arizona

i just ran into our bio chem professor at the bar. apparently, he doesn't follow the "no slapping your students' asses" rule.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just accidentally stumbled into an AA meeting...I think its a sign

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One of my students just said I have "big mommy parts". Even third graders know that my tits are too big. God I love em.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(360): View more from Washington

It feels like Jesse James cheated on America.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Last night I got a napkin with 4 names & numbers: Katie, Ellen, Kylie...and Brandon.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(281): View more from Texas

ha. weirdest feeling ever. just wiped my ass with my non-dominant hand. (eating cheeseburger with right one)

(214): View more from Texas

Your grandmother is in heaven weeping.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I really don't understand how I cannot figure out how to work a fucking can opener when I'm hungover. Yet I still retained the ability to take a perfectly symmetrical picture of my erect penis and send it to every person in Matt's contacts the night before.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(319): View more from Iowa

By connection do you mean me drunkenly grinding my ass on his lap for an extended period of time? If so, then yes, we had a "connection"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm on a cruise to the Bahamas and this text message is gunna cost me $10 but I need you to pray on my behalf for the things I'm about to do these 2 girls and what I did last night to a 35 year old mother of 3.

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(810): View more from Michigan

That blackeyed peas song was on, so I thought that was prediciting tonight was going to be a good night. And then my garage door opner fell and hit me in the head.

(810): View more from Michigan

I literally just copy and pasted that from another bbm convo bc I'm far too stoned to explain that again.

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(818): View more from California

I'm going to have to call in sick tomorrow. After this weekend, there's no way I can handle hearing the accountants talk about double entry without puking.

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Need a ride. Apparently screaming about the bartender's erectile dysfunction gets you kicked out.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I like to think that tonight was Jesus punishing James Cameron for his role in popularizing "My Heart Will Go On."

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(516): View more from New York

His drunken night ended with a "car accident" which really meant he was stuck in a toy car and pushed down the steps.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(310): View more from California

So I made him an imaginary sandwich and told him that the day I didn't have to fake it, neither would he.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

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(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(407): View more from Florida

sober me hid the cigs from drunk me. sober me is a tricky bitch.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a girl leaving CVS on her bike with a case of beer. She tried to ride one handed with the case under her other arm and fell over off the sidewalk. I'm glad to see someone else's life is a bigger joke than mine.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just walked in on me and my girlfriend about to have sex. All she said was "You're lookin like a fool with your pants on the ground.."

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(907): View more from Alaska

Tell me the dirtiest joke you know

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Sarah Palin

(907): View more from Alaska

god, I love you

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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