Texts From Last Night · mcshelbs's Favorites

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...

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(317): View more from Indiana

The assistant vp has a bottle of wine on his desk & I have a feeling my boobs will be making an appearance today.

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got my project done and a booty call in all before 1am. I'm a professional college kid.

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(330): View more from Ohio

tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You. Me. A bottle of Vodka. The wilderness.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And my cat won't make me food. She's a bitch

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(309): View more from Illinois

You put Smirnoff in your grape juice and called it communion...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Theres a high probability there will be two hot men waiting on you in your bed when you get home for lunch.

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(757): View more from Virginia

almost got into it with the cashier. bitch dont look at me like that just cuz im only buying wine and icing. ill fight.

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(317): View more from Indiana

HE IS COURTING ME WITH CHINESE FOOD AND IT IS WORKING.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I opened my package from my mom today. She put four bottles of tequila in the bottom under my ducky slippers. She knows me way to well.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(619): View more from California

You almost make it sound as if getting an education to further your career is more important than beer and tacos.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just horrified a large group of people. Congrats on dating me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My professor just gave us a margarita recipe.

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

Why?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Because, and I quote, he "wants to give us the tools to succeed in life."

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(425): View more from Washington

He was dressed as ron burgundy and his pickup line was "dont worry, i wont make you jump in a bear pit."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

We were showing our tits to everyone because it's breast cancer awareness month and we care deeply

(1-414): View more from Wisconsin

I thought we were doing it cause it's Tuesday

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(518): View more from New York

i got two bottles of merlot and sorrows to drown, you in??

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(910): View more from North Carolina

My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's not like I ment to feed you the shots of vodka, my hand just kinda slipped.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I think I found out what we're going be for Halloween....Alcohol poisoning victims.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Went to 3 separate liquor stores today and I just made a huge tray of jello shots. This will be the Thanksgiving that puts all the others to shame.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(510): View more from California

I don't know if I have the sustained energy level for partying hard

(1-510): View more from California

Not a choice. You are mistaking my comments as options. My statements are facts. This is what is happening.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We stuck the straw in the bourbon as a joke, you saw it as a challenge.

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(281): View more from Texas

Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.

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(352): View more from Florida

Also: how drunk is your brother? He just left me a message as batman.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Little boy scout stared at me with judgmental looks while I bought 3 bottles of liquor but refused to buy popcorn from him

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(903): View more from Texas

The only thing that made me get out of bed this morning was knowing that tonight, I don't plan on remembering what happened today

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(970): View more from Colorado

You will not judge me for my made-up holiday of wine appreciation day

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it's 2:30 on a sunday and I just won a wine chugging contest. I'm never graduating.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'm sorry I put you in the washing machine. I honestly thought you would fit.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl on crutches doing a walk of shame. She is either super dedicated, or her night didn't go as planned.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just found my old bop it. So many drinking game possibilities

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Curse you and your alcoholic milkshakes.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

You're welcome.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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(956): View more from Texas

Our logic class started an hour ago, I walked out and found my sister drunk, sitting down, eating m&ms, afraid to walk in... I want her life

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(518): View more from New York

im the poster child for why you shouldnt play beer pong with wine.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Do you think that we can get a group discount on liver transplants? We'll be like kids again!

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(801): View more from Utah

I didn't hate myself when I woke up today, that's improvement right?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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(775): View more from Nevada

all im saying is that if he was a normal person, he would have fucked me by now.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I think I broke a hole in her wall trying to do backflips

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(514): View more from Quebec

The first aid guy just told us to go get hammered...I'm taking his advice

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM SENDING THIS TEXT MESSAGE SO I DON'T LOOK AT HIM. THANK YOU FOR RECEIVING IT.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(903): View more from Texas

best. trip. ever. this is going to be too much fun. petland isnt going to know what hit them.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

there is an extreme lack of margarita in my mouth.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I was just expressing concern for your pickle consumption.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The sun is so bright. Whhyyyyy. EYES ARE DEAD.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Also, drinking coors light. Fuck that. Fuck that in the fucking face.

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(845): View more from New York

No, its ok. Im playing strip pretty pretty princess im currently dueling for the crown

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(217): View more from Illinois

3 things. 1) we need alcohol 2) we need alcohol 3) we need tortilla chips. Let's make a plan. Bro shakes and salsa.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

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(718): View more from New York

I'd say I should re evaluate my life choices, but I'd make the same decisions only faster and wearing a push up bra.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(816): View more from Missouri

It probably isn't a good idea to go home with last night's hookup's brother. And sister.

(-1816): View more from

Probably is probably an understatement.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Fuck morning classes and our weekday drinking habits.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm sorry I make you whore yourself out to him everytime I'm drunk and want mcdonalds.

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(713): View more from Texas

screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.

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(713): View more from Texas

I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I got called a drunken housewife today in class. I'm proud, not many people can say they've achieved their life goals like I have by the time they turn 20

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(212): View more from New York

This guy in a neck brace is ordering bottle service at the strip club. Not sure whether to applaud his commitment or scorn his addiction. It's a draw.

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(550): View more from

I'm too hungover to crawl to the fridge so im eating the candy nipple tassels I got bought for Christmas

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(770): View more from Georgia

He's trying to impress me with how much money he makes. How does he know me so well?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(585): View more from New York

We are going all out this weekend. My liver is already smiling.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was sunday, you had a camel back of bloody mary stumbling around a dog park with no dog.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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(705): View more from Ontario

I wish we couldve been like jesus and the desiples tongith

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(520): View more from Arizona

Just so you know, you're MY booty call. Feel degraded.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You're a college freshman. Its your job to be pathetic. And drunk. But mostly pathetic

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!

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(315): View more from New York

mary just dropped the yahtzee dice in her wine. and shes throwin em like shes on a craps table.

(315): View more from New York

hahahaha slap the bag.

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

haha she has always seemed a little off. when i met her i was told she was the queen slut. and she had a crown on at the time. it seemed appropriate.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(705): View more from Ontario

Time to do stuff I know I'll have to hide from my grandkids one day and everyone at next weekends wedding.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(210): View more from Texas

If this wasn't a work function my tits would be out already.

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(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

If this week is any indication of my life here I've got to get out ASAP. My liver can't hack it.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(347): View more from New York

GOOD NIGHT DREAM OF ALCOHOL SNO CONES

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry I can't get drinks with you. I have to make sure my dad doesn't go to jail.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(806): View more from Texas

Showed up 2 hours late and still drunk nobody gave me a high five. This intership is bullshit.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(309): View more from Illinois

Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

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(713): View more from Texas

I sang again at the bar lastnight I don't think alanis morrset knew when she wrote you outta know that the drunk version was going to be go fuck yourself Josh and Chelsea. I love $2 wells.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(613): View more from Ontario

No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I woke up using a pile of socks as a pillow. I think theyre clean so thats a plus.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(585): View more from New York

i think he was starting go for a boob grab when we both realized the middle of a public tennis court wasn't the place

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Listen, you can whine about not having a "red" wine glass, or you can suck it up and chug it from the vase like the rest of us. The choice is yours.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(207): View more from Maine

I somehow ended up with a bottle of red wine in one hand and white in the other and would drink them at the same time. Ruined

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm standing in the shower drinking with the light off and a candle lit, listening to Amy Winehouse. Be proud.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think I wrote "thanks for the free alcohol!!!" in their wedding guest book and I'm almost positive I signed my name

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(214): View more from Texas

The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

New development. Drinking at work is so easy and awesome I might have to do it everyday.

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?

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(408): View more from California

who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

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(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

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(516): View more from New York

You know me. Don't need roses, just dick and food.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

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(214): View more from Texas

I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.

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(626): View more from California

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

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(650): View more from California

Took me 12 hours to be sober again. Shitshow mission accomplished

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I started singing the national anthem on a train in London. Happy 4th of July assholes

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

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(716): View more from New York

I would be the drunk girl eating cake on the front steps alone.

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(712): View more from Iowa

she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(408): View more from California

I'm making you a bingo card for hookups of the school year 2011-12 so you can make even worse life decisions next year

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(347): View more from New York

I am VERY upset that you called my fiesta a waste of time.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks in advance for a great weekend. Sorry your roommates are going to hate you after I leave. They need to loosen up anyways.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

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(517): View more from Michigan

Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

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(705): View more from Ontario

and on the second day it was tequilla tuesday. and the lord saw it was good.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I forgot not everyone drinks wine out of the bottle. My grandma just asked if i needed a glass with a disappointing look.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll just dance on top of the ping pong table, and if it's stable enough for that, then it's stable enough for sex

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(716): View more from New York

Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

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(206): View more from Washington

My three rules on what I'm wearing tonight. Something short, something see through, and something i had sex in.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(513): View more from Ohio

We're on a cock hunt. Everything is fair game.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

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(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

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(757): View more from Virginia

they won't let me drive with my sombrero

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm fucked up. I can't drink anymore. We stole a cat.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

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(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

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(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(360): View more from Washington

Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(519): View more from Ontario

his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(815): View more from Illinois

So much for not drinking this week after this weekend.. Congratulations. U made it until tuesday.

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(540): View more from Virginia

casually drinking alone with your cats. do they like sparks?

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(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(309): View more from Illinois

don't be alarmed if you come back and i'm passed out drunk and naked cuddling with the franzia.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

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(254): View more from Texas

Im doing shots of vodka in the bathroom covered in pillows.

(254): View more from Texas

Tornado warnings are fun!

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(301): View more from Maryland

Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(440): View more from Ohio

WHY AM I ALWAYS DEFEATED BY THE LATIN COCK?!?!

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(616): View more from Michigan

A homeless man walked up to me at the bar, pointed, and told me to get my shit together. Jesus?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

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(409): View more from Texas

I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(512): View more from Texas

If it's any consolation, your boobs looked awesome.

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(240): View more from Maryland

my boss told me he would look for my wallet when he went back to the strip club tonight.

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(516): View more from New York

Listen. I'm a changed woman. I have no problem using him for sex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Spotted: woman loading franzia into a toddler-sized shopping cart for her child to push. Beautiful.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

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(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(217): View more from Illinois

Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just added no after every hockey player in my phone..

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(614): View more from Ohio

You know you stopped at a liquor store to prepare for a 12-year-old's birthday party, right?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(650): View more from California

Bank of America: Available balance is $546.25 on 03/04/2011 for account 8428. Go online for details. TextSTOPtoStop/TextHELPforHelp

(1-650): View more from California

i loe djcudia fjxos rue.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's been drinking and was roller blading. I'm sure you can do the math

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(310): View more from California

I smell like booze and the valet literally buckled me in, def top 3 walks of shame

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Didn't get laid. But got a free pie from a waitress. A whole pie.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You three are like the Bermuda Triangle for morals.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

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(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

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(716): View more from New York

I could end up kidnapped. Or worse, the night will be really awkward.

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(940): View more from Texas

Last time I saw him the sun was coming up and he was asleep in the student wellness parking lot. For some reason people were peeing on him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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