i just found a plastic monkey in my sweatshirt pocket
Umm I had a plastic mermaid in my pants......
Really
You win
just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you
She was Ugg boots AND a Bumpit. Of course I didn't sleep with her.
Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?
his penis was like watching paranormal activity your very hyped up to see it but you think it might be very scary and in the end you didnt really see anything at all
A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.
I puked in the AC vent. thing are gonna get ugly come summertime.
its just been over 12 hours, and i`m dying, don`t know how i`m supposed to survive the holidays sexless
Also cheers for the reminder to check last night's texts. It's been a magical adventure through drunk me's thought process.
but you were the sluttiest panda there and you need to embrace it
I've never been this drunk around this many toddlers
I will consider it. I need to determine if ogling him is worth almost certain death via zipline.
So I forgot to ask, how was that bartender you slept with two weeks ago?
Google chlamydia.
I could see the visible disappointment when she saw my penis
he went down on me WHILE i ate BACON PIZZA! best. boyfriend. ever.
Randomize
