My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.
Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
I'm too hungover for some lady to talk to me about potatoes
used foursquare to find where i am. please come get me. this is the scariest bedroom ever.
Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.
If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.
I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.
This is the point in ur life where u should realize there's nothing left but a spiral of shame
I should but I don't. All I see is an escalator of success
When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.
So I'm texting her. How do I steer the conversation toward "I honestly would be fine never seeing you again"?
I mean, you have to swipe right on someone you had sex with last week though, right?
I have the WORST hangover. Pretty sure my liver fell out while taking a dump. THAT bad.
He said he's going to karaoke tonight and I just spilled a bunch of Cheetos on the floor and ate them all. So that's my night.
I don't know, we got really drunk and I slapped her with an ear of corn.
I'm sorry, but the bed has won this battle. I got up, changed my shirt, combed my hair, put on some deodorant, and then looked at my bed and got back in
Randomize
