I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.
I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts
It's like she bought one bad life decision and got one free
By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone
Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.
i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.
She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.
i could have sworn she did an overextended split with her legs over her head but now i think it was just the drugs
I puked on myself in front of a customer. all. over. myself. thanks Saturday nights
He asked me if I wanted to play "Edouard Mandevan," turns out that's French for Edward Winehands
As a matter of fact, I am on the treadmill with the Bottle of UV Blue as we speak.....
i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy
Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving
i just passed i guy i once let listen to me masterbate on the phone...nyc is not big enough
If I lock her out of the apartment right now would the neighbors have grounds to sue?
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