So guy #2, the dancer, is programmed into my phone under the name H.uy. His number- 11 digits. I should have stopped drinking.
Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"
just when i thought we would make it home without incident he tried to walk a police dog
We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.
my car smells like vomit and bananas. this can't really be my life.
I judge a person on how well they respect their vaginas... I can tell by the lack of respect she has for hers I dislike her.
My addiction to golf is getting out of hand....I just caught myself swinging my dick like a putter while peeing.
Duuuuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fruuuuuuuuck. and by that i mean fuuuck
I air guitared a man's prosthetic leg on the bar to Bruce Springsteen. That's how it's going
These past few weeks have been a lesson on why you don't put your penis inside girls who live in your building.
I was just wicked nice to a telemarketer... that's how stoned this woman got me.
You don't have issues. You're a consenting adult having sex at work. Go you.
Oh and people at work think i got knocked up so my gay roomie is claiming it as his lol
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
in mid sex he pointed out my great gatsby tattoo and we started discussing themes and metaphors from our fave fitzgerald novels
you need to stop fucking English majors
Randomize
