I got my half for the rent already.I called the cops on the drug dealer neighbor and got a 500 bucks as a reward
come pick me up. please. i just puked in my lap. bring pants.
her vagina probably looks like a grenade went off in a deli
wicked high...have munchies. cherry flavor lube. problem solved.
I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.
Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.
i think i made a good impression on his friends wen i survived 55 cup beer pong
She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.
It's 9am. I'm four lines ahead of you already. Wake up.
Last time I went to flagstaff I threw up in my beard. I would very much like to recreate that moment.
So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.
I see your walk of shame and raise you a day in jail wearing a girls old workout clothes.
Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...
God works in mysterious ways my friend.
My legs r really sober for running now
I don't think that's how sobriety works.
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
Randomize
