Just bummed a recreational vicodin off my friend's 40 year old boyfriend & am hoovering a breakfast sammy from costco. And I don't have a boyfriend because why?
my drunken desire to be gossip girl continues to ruin friendships for me
I think we should urban dictionary "drive of shame." It involves a sprint to your car in his underwear and shirt, surreptitiously trying to put on your bra on at stoplights without attracting attention from neighboring cars, and lurking in your car a block from home so you can know when your roommate leaves for work.
i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section
My mom just informed me that my dog licks their toes while her and my dad are having sex. I'm apartment searching.
This kid is too lonely to be my drug dealer.
I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.
I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.
Just re-gained consciousness in the freshman girls dorm. Normally this would be awesome but I'm on the floor surrounded by chicks doing their homework. This makes me uncomfortable but I don't think they know I'm awake yet. If I b-line for the door can you come get me?
I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after
When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.
Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.
currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight
I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in
WHEN DO I FOLLOW THESE PEOPLE. I WOKE UP THIS MORNING &FOUND TWEETS FROM ILLUMINATI AND "hot shot 6th grader"
Your dick. My mouth. We have 20 minutes.
Randomize
