how soon is too soon after the break-up to ask for my condoms back?
Her father's a cardiologist, her mom's a lawyer...she just went from a 5 to a 10 real quick.
What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?
so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?
You were high and telling me you felt like Pinocchio and that fire was bad for wood.
I'm cheerleading for traffic. people are staring. Why am i the only high person on the way to class?
It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.
I feel like I should go door-to-door apologizing to America.
one of these days i'm gonna do a sparkly magical girl transformation into snoop dogg
Is it bad I have to get shitty ass drunk on a Monday night because I can't adult?
You have to just make a conscious effort not to make out with people when he's around if you want to keep him in your life?
That wasn't even sex. That was a fuckoning
...did you just create a word for what we did?
Text me some of your sweat
There better be alcohol at this child's birthday party. Seriously not trying to be entertained by a clown while I'm still sober.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
Randomize
