Texts From Last Night · DGES's Favorites

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DGES's Favorites Texts:

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(352): View more from Florida

He congratulated me by offering up free orgasms.. I told him I also had a birthday last month we needed to celebrate.. He was there in ten minutes.

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(406): View more from Montana

There is nothing wrong with watching parks and rec all day then getting blackout drunk by night

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm still laying in bed cuz I don't feel like adulting yet

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

gay sex achievement: unlocked

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

what

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

you told me you were going out for groceries!!

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(541): View more from Oregon

I have a 8 minute video of a fish tank on my phone.

(541): View more from Oregon

We need to stop going to pet stores high.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Apparently I took a selfie with fried chicken at 2 am....I'm still trying to figure out where I got the chicken. I thought I was making mac & cheese.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

SOS YOU NEED TO TAKE THE CANDY PANTIES OUT OF THE GLOVE COMPARTMENT BEFORE MOM TAKES MY CAR

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(315): View more from New York

First week is awesome. Freshman girls prancing around everywhere like newborn baby deer looking for a dick to jump on

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(416): View more from Toronto

So yes we had an orgy last night and I sucked your tits while you fucked my husband but I am weird about sharing my toothbrush.

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(419): View more from Ohio

5 minutes Isn't even long enough to bring me even close to an orgasm. How selfish. Think about baseball and fuck me you idiot.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Yeah, it was all very half-hearted. In the middle of sex we both just stopped and looked at each other and said, "can we just sleep instead?"

(404): View more from Georgia

That is so sad.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just walked through the door and she ran up to me, hugged me, unzipped my pants and immediately started sucking my dick. Good day.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Btw when I was saying "fuck you" I meant it like "be quiet beautiful princess"

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Well I shit myself on the way home from work today so there's that...

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(801): View more from Utah

My coworker's brand new computer showed up today. He's on vacation for the next week. Brian and I are installing Windows 98 on it.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Apparently duct taping your dick to your buttcheks before the first time she goes down on you isn't as funny as projected. She cried because she thought I was a girl the whole time.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sally, Your mom and my mom hooked up in college, we must uphold this tradition.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me for a pic so I sent him a pic of my boyfriends dick.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How'd the date with the redheaded dentist go?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She didn't like my gingervitis joke

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(530): View more from California

I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Going to the ER, I'll explain later but apparently drunk me isn't allergic to peanut butter.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

So he noticed that I cut a half inch off of my hair. Guess who just earned himself some road head on the way to the twin cities?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh it's tea and biscuits for everyone. An possibly pink eye

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(229): View more from Georgia

I just took the batteries out of the xbox remote so she could replace the dead ones in her vibrator If that's not love I don't know what is

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(480): View more from Arizona

Oh Jesus. Are you going to the hospital?

(520): View more from Arizona

No I'm showering then leaving for Vegas

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(206): View more from Washington

You should know two things about me,,,1) I am highly sexual and 2) I am HIGHLY competitive so you telling me about how much sex you had with the other girl makes me say "challenge accepted"... you should hydrate.

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(415): View more from California

my vag sweat smells like doritos

(617): View more from Massachusetts

so now that we're not dating you have to stop sending shit like this to me okay?

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(213): View more from California

She's like the King Midas of sexual confusion. Everything she touches turns to gay.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I thought 5 times was beyond my capabilities but her tongue was like a penis defibrillator. Clear!

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Get his dick out of your ass and put on some pants we're here

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(315): View more from New York

So that advice that humming stops you from puking? Yeah no, just puked through my nose.

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(909): View more from California

Yeah if I don't text back. I'm eating. sleeping. Or lifting. Or drinking. Or playing call of duty. Like shit man

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I can't wash the smell of tacos off my hands. I feel like the Lady Macbeth of Chipotle.

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(619): View more from California

AND I JUST BURNT MY BACON. WTF MONDAY. SCREW YOU TOO

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(858): View more from California

someone in the elevator just told me i looked like a struggle but i smell very pretty..

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

she definitely didn't appreciate it when you justified bringing her home by yelling to me "fat bitches need love too"

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(518): View more from New York

Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Ladies, if you have recieved this text then you are one of the lucky few friends I have decided to make this proposal to. As you all know, my boyfriend's birthday is in two weeks and I have finally decided on the perfect present. Surprise threesome. Now, there can only be one, this isn't an orgy you know, so I will be rating the ideal candidates on bra size and sluttyness. Experiance will count, references if available. Inbox me your credentials so we can come to a...Satisfying agreement.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I lowered my expectations when he started off saying "ah missionary, my specialty"

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Dont judge the spank bank, just be happy that you were deposited there.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

almost dropped my phone in the toilet but it somehow bounced off my tit and landed on the floor. Boobs: saving me hundreds of dollars in bar tabs and smartphones since '09

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(647): View more from Ontario

He smells like cinnamon, and what I imagine to be orgasms

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(509): View more from Washington

i don't know what body building stuff he's on, but his cum is basically a 5 hour energy shot.

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(775): View more from Nevada

We went the strip club and out of no where the waitress brings him over a quesadilla and a jäger bomb and says your usual!! He swore he had never been there before

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(630): View more from Illinois

the only joy I get out of her anymore is hitting on her friends and ignoring her. it's chaos for them. like shaking a slutty ant farm

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you on a scale from one to wasted?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Like alphabetically I'd say a v

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's 4 am here and I just vomited myself awake....Not rising OR shining any time soon

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(773): View more from Illinois

Nah. After about 5 shots he decided he needed to clean the gutters. We're headed to the hospital now so meet us there.

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(407): View more from Florida

If you don't fuck me hard, rough, and senseless the minute we're alone in your room, I'm returning you to the boyfriend store

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(530): View more from California

I wish to strangle

(310): View more from California

whoa there darth vader

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I tell you, MacGyver never had to put up with people shitting themselves while he worked...

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(513): View more from Ohio

she told me she wanted to fuck me because i was "rugged". if the definition of rugged is a lack of manscaping, slightly overweight, and pounding 16 oz pbrs, then yes i am rugged as fuck

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(516): View more from New York

He's a loser but she says we just don't see the good stuff about him. It's like she's dating the Charlie Brown Christmas Tree.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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(710): View more from

my star wars tattoo got me laid last night. definitely a dark side sort of benefit im thinking

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(250): View more from British Columbia

so she gave me back a bag of clothing, had some boxers in it...they werent mine.... well that sums up 5 years of my life

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(804): View more from Virginia

You are the only lesbian I know that needs plan b

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I seriously doubt I'm gonna be able to properly put your dick in my mouth whilst upside down, but I'm willing to give it my best shot

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(815): View more from Illinois

WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!

(847): View more from Illinois

1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us

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(212): View more from New York

Do you remember ripping my condom off last night while yelling "I DEMAND MY MEAT RAW" like a Viking?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have just been informed that my company has ray guns. I WORK FOR ACTUAL BOND VILLAINS. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She ran from her surprise party screaming "I'm not ready for an intervention." Yeah, the girl has a problem.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Can you bring me the toilet please

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.

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(631): View more from New York

Who doesnt want to be Yoda? I mean seriously, how sweet would that be? Live to 400, not give a shit about love and all that, know fucking mind tricks and smoke awesome swamp weed. I'm down.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Someone broke in while we were at the bars, window is shattered but nothing got taken

(716): View more from New York

Noone broke in, matt tried to pull a tyrese and punch through the window... were at the hospital.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I am literally sitting here with a jar of Nutella and a spoon, reading an article called "never drink alone again because now there's wine for cats." How single am I?

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(518): View more from New York

I need someone to play with my boobs. Even platonically. I just need a good groping

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(330): View more from Ohio

Her tutu was on the floor and she wouldn't take off her crown. She kept saying you're fucking a princess!

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(209): View more from California

Halloween is the end of the singles holidays they don't start again until st. Patrick's day we better get wifed up or it's going to be a long winter lol

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(970): View more from Colorado

He's talking about me being Slave Princess Leia and how he'll chain me up. I don't have the heart to point out that he would be Jabba in that scenario...Is it bad that his lack of SW knowledge is destroying my lady boner?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He came over last night and as soon as we started having sex Siri announced "you've arrived at your destination." I think it was some kinda sign

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(443): View more from Maryland

THE PRUIS IN YOUR DRIVEWAY IS NOT YOURS

(1-443): View more from Maryland

excuse me?

(443): View more from Maryland

I accidentally borrowed your spare keys a while ago...i just tried them...that, my friend, is not your car.

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(757): View more from Virginia

pssssst. you dropped everyone else off and forgot about me. im in the backseat of your car still. can you please come back outside and either let me out or take me home?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You know you're hung over when the glare from the cream cheese on your bagel is just too bright...

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(+57): View more from

I found your dog. Now we are bros, so he is staying. Don't call, don't make it weird.

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(516): View more from New York

She's been with the dude for a week saying she's in love. Yeah so am I. I just opened this beer 5 minutes ago and I LOVE IT ALREADY.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As soon as the clock wound down to zero, she declared "HALF-TIME HEAD" and pulled down my pants. After the swallow, she said "BEER CHASER," got me a new one, and asked if she could make me a sandwich. Pretty sure she's lobbying hard for a ring.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This popcorn tastes like salt and regret. It reminds me of the first blowjob I ever gave.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

You've ruined popcorn for me.

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(406): View more from Montana

this old dude from the bar is giving me a ride home in a van, his bumper sticker says " don't laugh your kids could be in here" scary world ou here

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(760): View more from California

I'm about to be a GTA V widow, he could at least throw me a bone. Literally.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

That hot shower felt like it washed away all of my problems... Except being pregnant... Ps just found out I'm pregnant. Fuck.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I just realized I slept with a guy who used the pickup line "do you have a bandaid? I skinned my knee when I fell for you."

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hit on in the middle of a Wal-Mart McDonald's by a really awkward nerd. There is not enough nope in the world.

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(773): View more from Illinois

we received free cupcakes at the first bar, and then I at the second bar i hooked up with a fat chick from Cincinnati on the patio.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

you win some, you lose some.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I didn't want to have shaved for no reason, so I told him I'd blow him if he would just come over and appreciate the smoothness of my legs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think we need to dedicate ourselves to building your stamina back to uterus breaking level

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(847): View more from Illinois

Multi-day drunkenness is to binge drinking as black diamonds are to skiing. They're tough and confusing and you hurt afterwards, but you did it and you probably got an alright story along the way.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Well we had to pull over on a side street in town so I could throw up while moms were driving by with car loads of kids, I feel like I just performed a lil silent AA film for the childrens

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I have woke up on a strange couch, in a strange house, on another campus. Can you Friend-Find me and pick me up?

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(989): View more from Michigan

Can you come pick me up and take me to breakfast then the police station?

(615): View more from Tennessee

Where's your car?

(989): View more from Michigan

The girl I brought home apparently stole it

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was afraid she wouldn't be able keep up but I woke up in a bathtub, she called me a pussy and made me pancakes.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just really don't even know what I would do with a boyfriend... Like do I just kiss it and then leave it in the corner? Like how often does it eat??

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I don't know what I was talking about but I just threw up in ikea. You can't get out of this place it's a fucking labyrinth.

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(631): View more from New York

So I am watching ghostbusters and I realized Rick moranis is basically in the friends zone than he turns into the key master bangs her and it leads to the end of the world...maybe there is a reason people are in the friend zone

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(845): View more from New York

I just threw up vodka and hot dogs in a handicapped stall with someone in it who couldn't make me leave because he couldn't walk.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.

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(941): View more from Florida

She looks like a beluga.

(954): View more from Florida

I want to splash her with water and when she screams say "I didn't want you to die. You looked parched"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may not be his cup of tea, but I bet I'm his 10th shot of tequila

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(913): View more from Kansas

Should I tell this TSA agent his fly is down while he is trying to hit on this chick?

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(630): View more from Illinois

There was this blissful moment of peace and quiet... then you ran past our window with a lit firecracker in hand going, "SHIT. SHIT. SHIT!"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've had more jaegerbombs than I can count on 3 fingers

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(712): View more from Iowa

When a best friend shows up on a tricycle with a case a beer and goes "get on loser" you get on, because there is a magical adventure afoot

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(720): View more from Colorado

I ran into the kitchen halfway through hooking up cause I forgot I put the cookies on the oven too high. Came back and she was gone but the only thing I could think about was all the extra cookies I could eat now. Got through about 6 before I realized why she left.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

This guy on Hoarders just said "we're all about 4 or 5 decisions away from shitting in a bucket". True dat

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

The gas station was closed so we found old PBR and played Edward Nalgene Hands instead

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(248): View more from Michigan

No piss test, hell yeah

(248): View more from Michigan

FALSE ALARM. PISS TEST. I NEED YOUR PISS.

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(305): View more from Florida

why does CNN give a flying $@*# about the royal baby so, so much?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i hope they name him Joffrey

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in my bed. Snow angles in fresh sheets. don't even try to get me out tonight.

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(707): View more from California

I think I'm going to give him a welcome back to single life blow job

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't send those kind of pictures unless the recipient has already been up close and personal with it. I don't give previews, but I will provide recaps.

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(315): View more from New York

My gynaecologist hit my g-spot today by accident and for some reason I went "at least someone found it" VERY AWKWARD

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have poison ivy on my dick

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

WHAT

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(734): View more from Michigan

My hands are stained pink. I look like I fisted a muppet.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Just came so hard my back cracked. Other women are totally missing out if they don't masturbate.

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(850): View more from Florida

My new hobby is moving his stuff to random places in the house. Good luck making a smoothing at 6:30 in the morning, the blender top's in the dog food container

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.

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(801): View more from Utah

Girls at BYU need to learn how to handle a penis. I swear my date last night was trying to pull it off my body to use later.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You can't just beat off while driving someone else's car. Thats a rule

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Thats your rule and this car is nice

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He fucking took my shirt off and didn't even touch my boobs. What the actual fuck.

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(206): View more from Washington

She's going to hate me

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.

(425): View more from Washington

The rest will just start to agree

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm gonna try Jim's breakup remedy this weekend.

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

Is that the one where you drink 3 cases of beer and rewatch as much WWE RAW as you can find? Or the one where you hookup with fatties on Craigslist?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(845): View more from New York

I'm a college student and my dad gets more ass than I do..... do you see a problem here?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just because he told you it was safe doesn't mean you should have licked it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We really gotta change brands again because 2-ply is making us feel like the celebrities we aren't.

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(407): View more from Florida

When you're a bigshot ER surgeon and I'm a starving artist, I want you to remember who held your hair last night.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The paramedics were not my fault this time.

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(248): View more from Michigan

IF IT WALKS LIKE A MANWHORE AND QUACKS LIKE A MANWHORE, HE PROBABLY HAS VD.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes, he does have a boomerang dick. No matter how many times I throw it away, it keeps coming right back and winds up hitting me in the head.

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(907): View more from Alaska

You know I think I am ok with him not moving in yet. He came over, fixed my closet, ate me out, and left. I'm now in sweats drinking coke and rum and watching new girl. This works for me.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just walked in on him banging another girl. He told me " sorry but I'm gonna finish now that I'm caught" ...... I think this is the reason god gave me four older brothers....

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(661): View more from California

Got head at the top of a water slide over-looking the valley while wearing a sombrero and drinking a corona. Epic.

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(415): View more from California

Fuck yeah GAYNESS

(415): View more from California

*explodes into glitter*

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Did you really get up in the middle of a tattoo to go get Taco Bell?

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

I'm coming right back.

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(207): View more from Maine

You know how I know she's ugly? 97% of her profile pics are flowers or animals. And what do we know about pretty people and the Internet?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

2 girls slept in my bed with me. 3 more girls slept on a mattress on my floor. The furthest I got was cuddling. Here's my man card.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I jumped out of a moving car going sixty into my driveway because I had to shit so bad. It is not a good day today.

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(305): View more from Florida

He's so urbane and sleek; so aesthetically chiseled, having endless features to offer me whenever I desire.

(1-305): View more from Florida

Are you fucking a guy or a condo building?

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(801): View more from Utah

She must've been waiting down the street cause after I said I specialized in inner-thigh-face-massage it couldn't have been 2 minutes until she was on my couch.

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(330): View more from Ohio

As yoda would say; A bitch, she is.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up to a baby shower and kept telling everyone he was late because he was pregaming. And then tried honking the pregnant girls tits

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(817): View more from Texas

Today's goal is to get out of bed, before I take a shit. This might be hard

(1-817): View more from Texas

Pass or fail tho

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop saying "make it happen". I'm not gonna say "hey, you should get naked with your sister and roll around together while I penetrate you both"

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yes. Do not say that. That will not make it happen.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Still. Make it happen

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(574): View more from Indiana

LET US USE OUR GENITALS TO CELEBRATE THIS VICTORY

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive

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(937): View more from Ohio

Get up, biotch, before I come traipsing in there to rip apart whatever god-forsaken spoon you have going on between the two of you and your dog.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We decided to keep having sex while I ordered the pizza. I wanted extra pepperoooooooooooooni.

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(415): View more from California

LinkedIn just suggested I might know the guy I caught my wife fucking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Highlight of the weekend: getting roundhouse kicked in the dick while switching from reverse cowgirl.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Jenna, I'm going to use all my homosexual powers to steal him from you

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Austin, I will climb on top of your shoulders and slowly suffocate you with my vagina

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(+61): View more from Australia

You know how I said I'd never worry about my roommate? Well I just walked in on her masturbating to Star Trek.

(1+61): View more from

Did she boldly cum where no one has cum before?

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(707): View more from California

I'm having a hard time existing right now. When I figure out how it works ill be over.

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(928): View more from Arizona

So because I'm off tomorrow that means your dick could be in my mouth majority of that time

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(408): View more from California

But college guys get to crossfade so there's that

(305): View more from Florida

No idea what that is

(408): View more from California

Like getting bent? When you drink and smoke together...

(305): View more from Florida

I'm 30 stop using your cool kids words

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(775): View more from Nevada

When the cab driver starts laughing its a good indication of the standard of girls you are bringing home

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're both clumsy. What does this imply for our kids?

(609): View more from New Jersey

Helmets.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

She yanked on my limp dick and I yelped, to which she slurred something about starting it like a lawn mower

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

hope your day is as exciting as mine- one of our trauma patients just stole an ambulance out of our bay... WITH AN EMT STILL IN IT.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just wanted to say a big ole FUCK YOU for coming out to mom the day before I have to drive with her for 6 hours. Ass hat.

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(309): View more from Illinois

trust me. coming from a bonafide dirtbag, this dude is up to shady shit

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(775): View more from Nevada

she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

(702): View more from Nevada

you puked ON HER

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm so busy i barely have time to have sex with myself. I have to talk myself into it like an old married couple.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Ask her if it hurt when she broke through earths crust as she ascended from hell

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(650): View more from California

I just saw a bunch of drunk old guys riding on the side of a modified old fire truck yelling at cars and smoking while they looked for parking...promise we will be just like them when we grow up?

(831): View more from California

I'm craigslisting fire trucks as we speak

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Does the room smell any better?

(859): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, i sprayed perfume. It smells like Victoria's Secret, if Victoria's secret was that she was homeless.

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(917): View more from New York City

Yea we just broke up

(914): View more from New York

so do we start sexting now or later?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Send me another check for the tickets. I scratched out "anal wax" and now the bank won't take it.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm almost too hungover to function. Got into the wrong car by mistake. there was a rotweiler in it. Thank god he was more confused than i was for a minute.

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(361): View more from Texas

Mom called her a cunt. I think that's code for "don't bring her over ever again."

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The party invite said "this ain't no lame stoplight party, you come to hookup or you don't come" I feel like their honesty deserves out attendance

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

Not to mention having our pick at the ensuing sausagefest

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Feel better punkin. Your balls will be gently resting on my forehead in no time

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

THINK! exactly how many raw eggs did you color and hide in my apt.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(503): View more from Oregon

I mean he did ask and he said it's cold out but i didn't realize we were that comfortable hahaha sex is one thing but borrowing a sweatshirt?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Locking that text forever.

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(727): View more from Florida

What part of drinking with my mom makes you think i'd get naked

(539): View more from

All of it

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(520): View more from Arizona

We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

There is a special place in Hell for whichever one of you put Ben Gay on my dildo. It was a very uncomfortable April 1.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Sad fact: I'm doing that thing where I'm bored so I give myself Princess Leia hair and drink alcohol.

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(352): View more from Florida

I feel like drug tests are a little less "random" when you are employed by your father.

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(514): View more from Quebec

i went to the 24h massage place last night and brought down the price for a hand job from $50 to $12.75 and half the big mac left in my bag.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

How was it playing wingman?

(312): View more from Illinois

I feel like I was rockys coach watching him get the shit beaten out of him by Apollo creed

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(848): View more from New Jersey

We've started traveling with Michael and Patrick so we can pretend we're two legit straight couples.

(848): View more from New Jersey

A charade that fell apart the second another couple on the cruse found Sarah face down in my box on an observation deck.

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(801): View more from Utah

If you could watch a water balloon run... That's what it's like watching her run.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You can't mix blow jobs, bacon, and Star Wars.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

A) just did. And b-z) that sounds like a great Sunday morning.

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(217): View more from Illinois

what's the proper way to say, "I'm sorry for puking on you and your bed mid hook up then going downstairs and fucking your roommate because you locked me out of your room completely naked...?"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

The guy I brought home last night made a speedy escape while I was in the bathroom. The only trace I found of his flight was a lone sock on the stairs.... It was like a whorey low budget Cinderella

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(660): View more from Missouri

hand jobs are a waste of time that only lead to arm cramps. Also, where do you look...his eyes, at the penis, at the tv?

(816): View more from Missouri

yeah the "where to look" question is super awkward

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Hey, so, you were my "one phone call" last night... Thanks for not picking up. See, this is why I never call you.

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(719): View more from Colorado

These are all good points. But, I think your under estimating what it's like to be held upside down for a standing 69

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(509): View more from Washington

In two unrelated events today I have had frostbite on my toe and cum up my nose. Who says life stops when you get married?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "

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(613): View more from Ontario

All those movies are bullshit, there is no way to run down a line of parked cars, they`re too far apart. my faces hurts so much right now

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(269): View more from Michigan

Sometimes you have a life bucket list item checked off like 4 tits in your face simultaneously and getting to bang them both. I'm sorry I bailed on skiing but not really. Coming over with a boombox playing 'heat of the moment' as soon as I can hail a cab cause I'm too drunk to drive still...

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(914): View more from New York

So I put a beer on your bed and jumped on th3 other side of the bed like in the commercials. You my good sir, owe me a budweiser that your bed drank.

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(619): View more from California

You said "bag of dicks" before passing out and falling off the landing

(1-619): View more from California

Oh god... Please tell me Sarah didn't see me like this

(619): View more from California

...you may have kinda punched her in the tit on the way down...

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(309): View more from Illinois

Right. Will do. I'll call you if I need a ride. (that is a double meaning, go with it.)

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(912): View more from Georgia

We'll just play it by vagina and see where it leads us

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling in my "fuck at anytime anywhere" card. Meet me at my place in 20 min, wear your Waldo costume.

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(954): View more from Florida

You are the voice of reason. And I'm bringing wine. Like seriously this is his last chance. Don't touch me once, shame on you.. Don't touch me twice, shame on me

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(316): View more from Kansas

She makes him look at her naked pics before she sends them to someone she's actually going to fuck. I think this makes him mayor of the friend zone.

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(818): View more from California

We're just Facebook friends. Use guy logic. I tapped your wife in high school, 20 years and 60 lbs ago, when she was hot and experimental. Why would I mess with that now? It would ruin the vivid memories of her that I keep in my spank bank.

(619): View more from California

I will find you...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Btw kudos to your tongue last night. Sorry about that lady jizz in your beard.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I caved man... I fucked her so vigorously, desperately trying to correct her wonky eye. My determination was relentless.

(651): View more from Minnesota

You are a terrible person.

(763): View more from Minnesota

I just try to be optimistic...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I love spring semester, so many high school girls visiting that think I'm the sexiest man alive just because I'm in college

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't you gay?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

IT'S NICE TO FEEL WANTED DON'T RUIN THIS FOR ME

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do you think blood ever gets sick of carrying all these drugs around?

(813): View more from Florida

Like, there are so many different things we make it do, and it just wants to settle down and be a one-drug fluid?

(1-813): View more from Florida

Stop reading WebMD high.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The EMT told me when I left the ER "I'd like to take off your pants again and inspect your package. Just not during a medical emergency..." We're hooking up tonight.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

Points for getting a hot hook up after getting a shard of glass in your thigh. Almost makes it worth it.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

So my mind was like YOU ARE TOTALLY GONNA MAKE IT TO CLASS TODAY but then my body was all LOL NO YOU AIN'T.

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(616): View more from Michigan

this celing is unfamiliar to me... im just vaguely wondering where i am. but not quite concerned enough to do anything about it.

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(404): View more from Georgia

If it makes you feel any better... I have a friend who found out her mom was in the video for 2 Live Crew's "Pop That Pussy"

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(301): View more from Maryland

Girl behind me in line at cvs was getting impatient then outta nowhere blew up shouting that if she didn't get her plan b soon she might be a mom abd that if we couldn't tell she'd be a terrible mom

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(573): View more from Missouri

You paid a stripper $40 to choke me out last night.

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(360): View more from Washington

And THIS is why we get drunk. No good story, documentation, or event happens by eating a salad. Alcohol consumption leads to good things

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(775): View more from Nevada

What shitty, shitty thing could you possibly tell me that doesnt top the fact that i got hammered and showed everyone i could shit while running

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Need your help. Dad's drunk and trying to build a still in the basement.

(416): View more from Toronto

NM he's asleep in a pile of towels. They need to ease people back into Hockey Night in Canada.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can fuck me but I'm keeping my parka on.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Medically speaking as your gynecologist and your girlfriend, that is not a rash.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we're breaking up

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(631): View more from New York

Nothing bonds a father and daughter like washing her puke off the front steps

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Ever had someone sing happy birthday to you during sex?

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(251): View more from Alabama

We need to get you laid. Or i fear you might explode like a firework of sexual innuendos and unfulfilled erotic fantasies.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't remember but we shouldn't have a problem. Unless drunk you encouraged drunk me not to wear a condom.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think we have a problem.

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(949): View more from California

I literally just biked home like I was on the last leg about to win the tour du France. Fuck diarrhea

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(404): View more from Georgia

Regardless of age or alcohol consumption, the knowledge that my dad spanks my mom sexually has the very real potential to fuck my shit up.

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(226): View more from Ontario

While the bouncer was checking my purse, he found a bag of pasta noodles in it and asked me why I put them in my purse. I said to him: "So the guy knows I can cook."

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We hit a deer while we were singing an acapella version of "I will always love you"

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(216): View more from Ohio

Also just throwing this out there I don't think anyone who brings another girl back to your bed to share with you can qualify as a frigid bitch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

We got a kitchen table so we would eat together more. So far we've played drunken monopoly and had sex on it.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I swear to all that is holy, next time you get my mom high with your "special bake sale" I am going to put your dick in the blender.

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(817): View more from Texas

I heard you were drinking whiskey straight from the bottle last night.

(512): View more from Texas

Actually I was drinking whiskey straight from 3 bottles, but that is neither here nor there.

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(407): View more from Florida

Yaaaayyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyyy! It has more than one y so my intentions to sleep with you after the drink special ends are clear

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She waited 7 months to break out her comicon costumes. I was only mad it took her so long. I fucked an elf last night and strawberry shortcake the night before!

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(404): View more from Georgia

I can't. I drank 10 years off my life last night. I need to reevaluate. Sorry.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Blah blah blah. Just come home and put a baby in me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The lady at target couldn't scan my grocery item and just looked at me and said "just take it. I hate this fucking place". Best munchie adventure yet.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just watched how this is made for an hour because I was tooo high to remember what they were making. it was like a prize at the end.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just don't fit in here. The other wives are ten years older and have kids!

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Well, you chose trophy wife of a 35 year old over college. Sit in your suburban soup and stew.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Bro my mom is in for two days and you can't even hold back on the drinking she said as she left i hope he doesn't always pee his pants and he is sure popular with the girls wtf

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The 3 year old I'm babysitting is the first guy to tell me he loves me sober in like 2 years

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The most humiliating part was that I farted while he was tasing me.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hey mom, soo do we have a family lawyer or am I on my own for that?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So did you grab that log full of poison ivy for the fire and then apparently take a piss on Saturday night too or was that just me?

(319): View more from Iowa

will we ever learn or are we destined for a life of poison ivy covered balls?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I guess when I black out I feel that it's not inappropriate to grope my gf in front of her parents.... But hey at least I'm starting off 2013 single

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(845): View more from New York

I wonder how your parents would feel if the scarf they gave me for Christmas is mainly being used for a blindfold during sex...

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just sent him 3 long ass texts about how to tell a girl how he feels. I should get a fucking friend zone medal.

(417): View more from Missouri

I will make you one.

(417): View more from Missouri

Good. It needs "forever alone" engraved on it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

New year means new boundaries for the Brazilian lady.. I'm pretty sure I got wax on my asshole

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(631): View more from New York

I just threw up again because I opened my eyes... God is laughing. I resorted to taking the Mexican Dramamine because I feel seasick from walking. Not helping.

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I was dropped out of a helicopter. Through the propeller.

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(248): View more from Michigan

spending today hungover and untagging myself from all the pictures of me kissing girls so grandma doesnt have a heart attack. how was your new years?

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(310): View more from California

I came back to consciousness and found myself sitting in a beanbag chair petting a 2 month old husky with one hand and eating an oreo Klondike bar with the other. This almost makes me forgive blackout lisa for making out with that chubbs at the xmas party

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(604): View more from British Columbia

My parents got me a bottle of vodka and a puke bucket for christmas. I've already used both.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Living room floor. I asked him to give me a back rub. He did. And smoothly transitioned that to foreplay, then basically threw me on the floor. My vagina hurts. He deserves another Christmas present.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He left his phone. Turns out he;s been sexting with some girls who can't spell. Time to break out the herpes scare.

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(702): View more from Nevada

The judge mental looks i am getting while looking at porn on my phone sitting in the urgent care waiting room is gonna get way worse when they find out im here to see if im pregnant

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(344): View more from

So I come back home and a huge flock of enormous vultures are on my roof

(774): View more from Massachusetts

They're waiting for you to die

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We have such limited time together he literally sends me text messages that are like "I sent my roommates on an impossible quest, we have 15 minutes." it's that bad.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She's working this semester. Her dad saw he was listed as 'the atm' on her phone and cut off tuition for three months.

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(516): View more from New York

People spilled so much that there was a thin film of beer on the floor. You took a running start, screamed, "SLIP AND SLIDE!" and slid face first through the drywall.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You were my sober police. You had one job and you failed miserably.

(404): View more from Georgia

I'm a corrupt cop.

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(205): View more from Alabama

So help my penis see only you. Give him some attention as well.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

As if finding out the man you just had sex with is married isn't bad enough, it gets so much more awkward when his wife comes in to comfort you...

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(713): View more from Texas

Just puke out the sadness. Like a fuckin dragon.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Get the cougar, get the cougar, get the cougar. Act like an injured baby deer. She will either eat you alive or nurse you back to health either way its still sex.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don't know man, I have to ask my girlfriend if I can borrow my balls from her purse.

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(360): View more from Washington

Yeah! I was just fired because there was an over hire and the new girl is hotter than me. Seeing as how the new girl is my baby sister I think punching my manager is excusable.

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(210): View more from Texas

I was going through my mom's stuff to find her xanax, and I found her vibrators instead. Plural. That is like the opposite of what I wanted.

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Well am going to a strip club before sun down, I dont think anything good can come from that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My g-ma saw your dick-pic and wants you to know I've got a keeper. She says her big whopper died in Korea. Good thing g-pa is still asleep.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My New Years Resolution is to get everyone to start talking like a 40 year old douchebag. From now on, you will only refer to me as Chief.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All I want to do is sleep. And If I'm not sleeping, I want to be eating or fucking. I'm pretty sure being pregnant has turned me into a dude.

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you have paint?

(727): View more from Florida

Paint? I wish

(727): View more from Florida

OMG WHAT ARE YOU DOING

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(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

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(518): View more from New York

You are a special snowflake. A special snowflake I wouldn't mind rough sex with

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(716): View more from New York

I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I can only only sleep there on nights I orgasm cause he snores so loud and if he leaves me hanging one more time ill probably cut off his dick from lack of sleep and frustration

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Why is there broken glass in my purse?

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

You stole a snow globe. From your VP. Soooo...maybe don't put all your hopes on that promotion you were expecting

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(404): View more from Georgia

After my mom met Tanner, she literally turned and said "he's from old money, top of his class at Emory, already has doctors courting him for jobs and judging from your vocal performance the other night, he's gifted in bed. Fake a pregnancy right now"

(404): View more from Georgia

I come from her. Holy hell.

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(818): View more from California

end of the world party next friday. virgin sacrifice. tell me you know someone whos still a virgin

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(718): View more from New York

Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.

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(435): View more from Utah

It's hard to judge what a reasonable amount of cereal looks like in the spaghetti pot. We're out of cap'n crunch and milk.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So the next three days will be henceforth known as the 'celebration of the end of the most irresponsible years of my life' be prepared to wake up naked in a ditch.

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(315): View more from New York

Awee what are you going to name your new dog?

(315): View more from New York

What dog?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Went to a date party without a date and had a threesome wooops

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(574): View more from Indiana

No one ever gets any after sleeping with her. She is like the broken mirror of hookups, enjoy 7 years of blue ball. Don't say I didn't warn you

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I told him I'd clean his cock if he ever sent my GF another text message. It was a horrific time for me to miss the l key on my iPhone.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Well just watched a guy puke in a trash can then proceed to pick pizza outta said trash can and eat it

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(585): View more from New York

WHAT THE FUCK JASON, WHY IS THERE A FREE BLOW JOBS BY LISA SIGN IN MY FRONT LAWN WITH MY PHONE NUMBER ON IT?! PEOPLE ARE PULLING INTO MY DRIVEWAY!

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You sent me snap chats of you guys having sex. Like plural. It was like flip book porn, I'm traumatized.

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(540): View more from Virginia

It was great. They teamed up to hit on these two frat boys all night, until the frat boys started making out with each other. The looks on their faces...

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was going alright when lo and behold Tom the cock blocking tornado hits. He is the only man I know who doesn't want anyone to fuck girls.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

TONGUES ARE JUST MEAT TENTACLES IN OUR MOUTHS OMG

(1-614): View more from Ohio

HOW ABOUT I DON'T WAKE UP TO THESE TYPES OF TEXTS

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(874): View more from

I woke up tied to my bed while she was in the corner staring at me while eating cereal. Interesting night!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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(317): View more from Indiana

In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Totally uneven. One tiny pussy lip that almost didn't exist and one giant lip that unfurled liked 5 different times half way down her leg and could have been used to hoist the mainsail on a pirate ship.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My phone autocorrected your name to "grownup." that couldn't be more inaccurate. I'm getting a new phone.

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(312): View more from Illinois

We did a lot of coke and Bedazzled the couch. It seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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(903): View more from Texas

Don't judge them too harshly for getting kicked out of a strip club. Happens to the best of us.

(936): View more from Texas

You are the coolest girlfriend ever.

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(585): View more from New York

Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.

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(619): View more from California

I just dropped $300 on lingerie. He better rip this off with his teeth.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Here is a brilliant idea passed on from men who have that same regret. WEAR A FUCKING CONDOM ALWAYS.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Well Apparently I went to piss out my window last night, woulda been ok if I opened the window or the blinds.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you know it's a good party when the fucking floor caves in. THE FUCKING FLOOR.

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(979): View more from Texas

my vagina hasn't met your boyfriend yet ... makes me sad

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(850): View more from Florida

After a long night of drunk sexting I have to the ninja roll at the front door to see who showed up.

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(214): View more from Texas

You are a magnificent human being. I love you from head to toe. This wine is DELICIOUS.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Welcome to drunk texts. Live from Margaritaville, it's Saturday night!!!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(914): View more from New York

If you're not going to call the girls I bring around by name, at least don't call them by number. It's been cockblocking since girl #47. Dick.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I would feel worse for you if you weren't waking up between a pair of double Fs that attached to a classically trained chief. Im still jacking off eating hot pockets.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(850): View more from Florida

She was drunk and naked on our couch, sweating and masterbating to SNL. We made eye contact and she didn't even stop. It's new-roommate-o-clock

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I had to talk to the cops at my front door in a bathrobe, with the buttplug still in.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Also can you rate on a scale of zero to jesus restraining order christ how creepy it is that he found a porn star that looks like me and has watched all the porn that she's been in

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

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(404): View more from Georgia

I sent two dick pics to a wrong number and one was in .gif format so it was helicoptering all over the place. I single handedly ruined a child's life.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(630): View more from Illinois

We were suposed to have a 3some in their bathroom but it just turned into us 2 making out while he watched like a little kid on christmas morning

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(708): View more from Illinois

That stripper was not happy when I tried putting a dollar in her court mandated ankle bracket/tracking device

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(906): View more from Michigan

Oh. My. God. Dad smoked a bowl. He's been playing cards...I just told a story and when I was done, he got really close to my face and very seriously asked me if he had cheese in his beard. I'm about to die.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I tried to roll down the stairs in a ball. I have bruises, the pain is too much.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

What the fuck, why would you ever do that?

(250): View more from British Columbia

Haven't you ever just wanted to be a ball?

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(850): View more from Florida

Just threw up in front of the Boy Scouts on my base. Welcome to the Navy kids.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I'm concerned that this blind man on the bus has a boner right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Last night I passed a kidney stone as I came inside her. Worst. Experience. Ever.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Trial is expected to last a fucking week if I get chosen.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

To be fair, you are the kind of person I want to be on the jury when I inevitably end up in front of one.

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(718): View more from New York

She gave me what I will now dub a "hurricane sandy". Loud, wet and sloppy BJ that made me want to stay home and complain about shit on the Internet

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(315): View more from New York

I found your Halloween costume. I think you shit yourself last night

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(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

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(703): View more from Virginia

can i text him and be like "oh yeah, forgot i kinda made out with a girl this weekend. For future reference, does this count as cheating?" ?

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My chin is breaking out a bit and feels all itchy and burny like I'm allergic to something. Are you using a new lotion on your balls?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That is NOT what pussyfooting around means. Try that again with your toe and I break it off.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just contemplated drinking cheese dip. And by "contemplated," I mean "attempted and was forcibly stopped from."

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You forgot your "boyfriend" from last night on my couch. You're suppose to bring that shit with you.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Id fuck him but only at his house and he had to stay im bed till i left. He only works upper body. It just creeps me out how tiny his legs are

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey fuckhead. when i said not to grow shrooms in our apartment, that didn't mean "yea, sure. grow shrooms in our apartment"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

official rule: if your drunk, it doesn't count

(516): View more from New York

then nothing in my life counts

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(650): View more from California

My internship group is made up of all freshman. Their enthusiasm for education and social interaction sickens me.

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(310): View more from California

i cant believe im seriously wearing his ex girlfriends underwear right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You do realize how pathetic it is when the woman who does your bikini waxes has seen your vagina more than I have

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(254): View more from Texas

I've shit my pants 4 times in 12 hours... Never trust a fart when u pass 30

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm holding onto the sink for dear life. Pretty sure if Iet go I'll turn into a shit propelled man rocket.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Thanks for having me and my emotional baggage over last night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm looking forward to the release of my future best seller - "Three Words to Make Your Relationship 100% Better: Surprise Blow Jobs"

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(818): View more from California

I'm getting turned down for sex. Apparently my "sexual appetite" cannot be satiated even by a man who's such a deviant he went to prison for jerking off in his car.

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(616): View more from Michigan

He insisted he brought his alarm clock everywhere, and then the girl screamed "fuck French people!"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

It's national boyfriend day supposedly, would it be appropriate if I posted a picture of my dildo?

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(315): View more from New York

she shotgunned a can of v8, threw the can on the ground and said, "fuck bitches get money" then passed out on the spot

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(253): View more from Washington

Dropping the entire last roll of TP into the toilet is a hurt you don't want to know.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Nope my penis exudes pure oxygen in times of crisis.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Wake up. We're going shopping for booze and samurai swords.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

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(434): View more from Virginia

He held back my hair as I puked, then kindly asked me to slightly move my head over and pissed right next to my face.

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, I tried to shit into my refrigerator. It was a rough night.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(716): View more from New York

I'd recommend you leave that level of crazy to the experts. I'd start with an under appreciated soccer mom if I were you.

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

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(563): View more from Iowa

I like it when Amish boys stare at my boobs, even tho I can't tell if it's in appreciation or disgust. Rumspringa, mothafuckers.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It's awesome, he has so much more free time now that he's not screwing other girls behind my back

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(706): View more from Georgia

I tried to talk to him, but he didn't recognize me at first. I had to show him the top of my head and then he remembered.

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Smoked before work and just remembered i left pringles in my desk last time i was high. SCORE

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(650): View more from California

I brought a guy home then decided no. Took him back to the bar and said "I'm going to drop you where I found you. Have fun"

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(948): View more from

He fingered me and now wants me to go get plan b because of it. WE'RE IN COLLEGE.

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(517): View more from Michigan

No she left bc the of pic I have of my mom in my bathroom. She thought it was my gf

(615): View more from Tennessee

Why the hell do you have a picture of YOUR MOM in your bathroom?!?!

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(914): View more from New York

I've never felt more disgusting in my life. And I'm including the time I snuggled that homeless woman in the puddle of my whiskey vomit.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(406): View more from Montana

My life is like a drunken tornado. All over the place and never passing up fat girls

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(518): View more from New York

Didn't know hookah bars could end badly. I feel for her hair

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the cashier ate half of our fries before she gave them to us so i think it's safe to say they don't do drug testing there

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Thank you for not puking on my lap during the first class of the semester. And fuck you for doing it in the second.

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(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Atlanta road trip update. Jimmy fell into the petting tank at the aquarium. And freaked out. With cops now... Keep you posted

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(517): View more from Michigan

it would be a downgrade if your vagina tasted like skittles

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

This breakup hit defcon 5. Walked to pathmark with a denim jacket over my nightgown to get ben and jerrys. On sale btw.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(315): View more from New York

i showed up sober to class for the first time. my prof said that i was "off my game today". i love philosophy

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(330): View more from Ohio

This day sucks. I just wanna play ostrich and bury my head in your boobs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

You can't just call animal control when you're drunk because there is a bug in the shower.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

The problem with that is that my car has been stolen

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(360): View more from Washington

ders ninda duuude pooring goden shots ov glory. I see em an i dont but there hear.

(425): View more from Washington

are you attempting voice recognition while drunk again?

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Alls I remember is making out with that chick.

(612): View more from Minnesota

Nope that was a dude

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(979): View more from Texas

I don't think the best pickup line was. Hey I have never made a girl orgasm before but I'm sure it will work on someone like you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Rule of thumb; if you ask me if my tits are fake you will not get to touch them.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

After being his wingman last night, I've decided I will never talk about becoming a lesbian ever again. Picking up chicks is way too hard.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Hey guy that stepped on my foot, don't slap my ass to apologize.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(512): View more from Texas

While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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(519): View more from Ontario

If he can forgive your lousy blowjobs, you can ignore his terrible driving.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(432): View more from Texas

dude she got out of bed and definitely took a shit then checked her stomach out in the mirror and whispered "well that probably took off five pounds"

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(205): View more from Alabama

i have officially banned the recreational use of bayonets.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Love me.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

GO THE FUCK TO BED IT'S 3AM I AM NOT TAKING YOU TO MCDONALDS.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just for one nugget?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Until she magically finds a brain, I'm going to be a dick. Fair trade. She's a idiot, I'm an ass.

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(208): View more from Idaho

well... I just junk punched a carnie. Doesnt matter how, it still counts for my bucket list.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You okay?

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

I walked into work with a banana and a loaf of bread

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I shit myself. Legit. And I burnt my tongue. Unrelated incidents, but related in the sense of general discomfort.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we got so into acting out our role play characters we didn't even fuck. still sucess.

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(905): View more from Ontario

All three roommates are gay and in women's studies. Ive already been informed that all penetration is rape. This is not the college experience I signed up for.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

What are you doing? Because if it happens to be drinking, or even any activity that rhymes with "drinking", I'll be over in 5.

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(509): View more from Washington

Btw: some husbands are not impressed by me trying to snap photos of their wives camel toe.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sorry blacked out and lost my phone. Judging by the looks of my body I fought a cat and fell into a bush.

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(807): View more from Ontario

The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah, you're right, it's a conspiracy against you. This small tight knit group of people who don't like assholes.

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(940): View more from Texas

I just karate chopped a humming bird out of mid air. It came at my face while I was out side smoking. Scared the shit out of me. My ninja skills just took over. Haha. I mean really at that point it was me or him.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ya he's the booze devil, like if the black hole and Bermuda triangle joined forces with Captain Morgan

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(309): View more from Illinois

He's in the hospital yelling at his brother to at least have stuck something "normal" up his ass.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Again?

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

ok it turns out chain mail does not protect against falling down a flight of stairs. please send help.

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(727): View more from Florida

Finishing last nights 1.5L of wine and beef jerky for breakfast. Work looms, ever the prickly bitch.

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(312): View more from Illinois

When you see a guy in a wheelchair try to be cool and pop a wheelie, and then fall over backward and hit his head, is it funny or sad?

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(626): View more from California

So on a scale of 1 to Friendship-Over, how mad would you be if a rando I brought home sharted on the shag carpet in the living room?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

No we are not "bros" because I came out of my moms vagina& you went in there.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

there is a guy passed out on top of me and i don't know what to do. help if you're awake? was anyone anyone expecting someone? maybe he found the wrong room?

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(314): View more from Missouri

He won't let me go to the bars unless I can manage to get flip flops on.

(636): View more from Missouri

Sounds like he's doing this for your own good...

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(404): View more from Georgia

The best part about passing out on the floor was the fact that when I pissed myself, I didn't piss the bed again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I renamed his cat Jeff last night. Well I spray painted it on him.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(619): View more from California

He is just a personification of a vodka hangover.

(760): View more from California

Yes. Sex with questionable women, and made of potatoes.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude, you like sabotaged my shower time by walking in and eating a snack pack on the toilet. That's messed up on levels that haven't even been created.

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(785): View more from Kansas

And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just made out with a girl I dated in high school, and she told me her girlfriend likes me. I like where this is going.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

her mom went out of her way to book us a room with separate beds... her level of gay denial is in beast mode

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you know how hard it is to bring up the "what do I do if you conk out while we're fucking" conversation while maintaining the dignity of.the narcaleptic girl you just met?

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(647): View more from Ontario

I went to pick my brother up downtown and I stopped at a red light a homeless old man comes up knocks on the window shows me his penis and then screams money

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just saw an easily 300lb shirtless man on a Vespa. My day has been simultaneously made and ruined.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I need to beat up a magician now. BRB.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea i think drunk-me kept all my bar receipts, just to throw it in sober-me's face.

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(248): View more from Michigan

We played alot of beer pong and ventured into the woods with tiki torches

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just saw a douchebag with frosted tips & a LaCoste polo with popped collar driving a Call of Duty edition Jeep. It was a cavalcade of stereotypes.

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(904): View more from Florida

Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Rumble strips road head = magical

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(415): View more from California

The lady sitting right behind me on the bus has baby birds in her purse. Shes feeding them bugs from a cup with a pair of tweezers... I love san francisco!

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(240): View more from Maryland

A lot of things don't look good... It doesn't look good for a lifeguard to be smoking a cig and drinking from a conspicuous cup... But hey I'm doin it

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres 2 cans of open Campbell's soup on the counter and a note that says "guess which one is puke" ... want lunch?

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(416): View more from Toronto

At the gym and this really hot trainer checked me out and was talking to his buddy about his workout. He then says "yeah man, like I'm doing so many reps- what's 7 times 7, 45?"

(416): View more from Toronto

He was THIS close.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(613): View more from Ontario

oh no you fucking didn't eat my mac and cheese you cunt

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just crawled out of bed at 5AM to make her a peanut butter and Nutella sandwich. Somewhere in the distance, I could hear whips cracking.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just got my hands on some dry ice. How do you feel about coming home to a mystical wizard toilet?

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(209): View more from California

High Amy loves you. Sober Amy is unsure, but she's not here so fuck that bitch.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Remember that time we got drunk tomorrow

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(517): View more from Michigan

Here's my first problem: I'm drunk

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(210): View more from Texas

You BETTER NOT STEAL MY MOTHERFUCKING SQUIRREL

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(951): View more from California

diet's not working. come over. i need someone to fuck the hungry out of me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

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(574): View more from Indiana

We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm pretty sure I just crapped out my pancreas. I have 2 of those, right?

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(817): View more from Texas

I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?

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(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Hey please buy toilet paper today. Plastic grocery bags are starting to hurt now

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(619): View more from California

No, we will not be going out tonight. We are trying to grow the toy donkey in whiskey rather than water. Serious fucking science. Have fun at the boring bar while we Bill Nye it up in this bitch.

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(716): View more from New York

The paramedics came back to shotgun beers with us.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm sorry for gagging during our first time having sex

(312): View more from Illinois

I was drunk

(312): View more from Illinois

Please answer

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(602): View more from Arizona

This little shit keeps eating the playdoh so i replaced the green with wasabi from work. Wonder what his parents are gonna think when he burns his soft palette?

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(810): View more from Michigan

I mean you guys are my friends and all but if you fuck with me I will not hesitate to set you on fire

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(450): View more from Quebec

She has a tattoo on her inner thigh that's an x with a long dotted line. So after she passed out I signed it. Dunno what else I was supposed to do...

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(914): View more from New York

Although I commend your efforts to keep my penis away from her, your sister is now booty walking up my stairs. Good game though, good game.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

My penis just literally said "Yaaaaaay!!!" It's the first time it's spoken out loud. Before this we could only communicate through rudimentary sign language

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(970): View more from Colorado

I want you inside of me and on top of me and under me and behind me

(970): View more from Colorado

Basically I need you to be like god, just fucking everywhere

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(214): View more from Texas

Turns out lunch break sex with someone you cant stand being around for any amount of time just makes you wish you had gone to get tacos like you originally planed.

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(786): View more from Florida

If youre wondering about the smell, i set your hamster on fire. But don't worry he's ok

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(714): View more from California

Taking Gomer to the ER. He tore something trying to stretch his nutsack enough to put his balls in his own ass. I need new friends.

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(512): View more from Texas

I dont care how drunk you were. Making a bet with MY husband at MY wedding that you could seal the deal before he could is ALWAYS inappropriate!

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(352): View more from Florida

The cop told you to put your hands behind your back and you slurred "I'm not falling for that again"

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(949): View more from California

I just used FaceTime as a look out while I got a blowjob in the library

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(205): View more from Alabama

Your CAR. Is in a LAKE. I'd say "a big mess" is a pretty conservative description of the situation.

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(850): View more from Florida

Why did the fire extinguisher taste lemony?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me my butthole was like "Narnia" and that it's a wonderful place he would like to visit.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He equated my biology degree to a belief in Santa. I wonder if he heard the doors to my vagina clanging shut.

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(760): View more from California

don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.

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(415): View more from California

I got a second ticket last night for drunkly using my one call to order a pizza and get it delivered at the police station

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Not only have I fallen off the wagon, it ran me over and just kept going...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I stared at his lazy eye for so long, he thought I had one too. Then we bonded over our lazy eyes. I had to fake one all night. My head is fucking killing me. NEVER pretend to have a lazy eye.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(914): View more from New York

Well at least you learned that cops don't like when you call them frenchy. Nice dive over the fence by the way.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(803): View more from South Carolina

thats why a responsible adult always keeps some facial hair just in case they need to shave a hulk hogan mustache for midget wrestling...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a nosebleed on a date at the cheesecake factory...

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

just run out of the bathroom with blood gushing down your face and scream "ITS IN THE CHEESECAKE!!!!!"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I told your dad we had a nice lunch and hung out for awhile. It seemed more appropriate than "I had a bite of his canned chili and then we ripped each others clothes off."

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(662): View more from Mississippi

What if our hands were octopus tentacles?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

You're an idiot.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

We tried lying really still and being really quiet so that he wouldn't notice us before he left the room. Forgot about the glow in the dark condom.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?

(1-708): View more from Illinois

head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(650): View more from California

sorry bout that man. went out to pay the pizza boy, ended up hooking up with some random drunk girl that thought i was someone else

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a simple rule - pass out shirtless on the couch, become an airsoft target.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there is nothing more depressing than your birth control alarm going off while you're masturbating, and realizing you've been taking pointless precautions for over a month now.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

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(817): View more from Texas

Where are you? I hear fireworks and you've gone missing. I'm sure that is not coincidence.

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(614): View more from Ohio

The cute guy in my class hurt himself and is on crutches. My first thought was "Good. He'll be easier to take down." Like he's a gazelle and I'm a dick tiger. What's wrong with me?

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(209): View more from California

I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I haven't seen her in ages, how is she?

(651): View more from Minnesota

Well I woke up next to her this morning so I guess I would say she could be doing better

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I remember seeing his penis I just dont know exactly what I did with it

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(775): View more from Nevada

Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?

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(214): View more from Texas

And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(406): View more from Montana

Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.

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(619): View more from California

Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Every time I drink before 5 somebody's pet dies

(612): View more from Minnesota

Stop drinking before 5

(651): View more from Minnesota

Easier said than done

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(574): View more from Indiana

I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(214): View more from Texas

Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(212): View more from New York

Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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(727): View more from Florida

Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(+79): View more from

You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win

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(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(415): View more from California

We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

(916): View more from California

Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

(415): View more from California

HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He drew a bath for me. It was only cute until he started throwing in celery and calling me soup.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(626): View more from California

Tell her you can forgive her unacceptable behavior because her dad and his dog weren't married when they conceived her.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have been drinking since 2. And I'm now chasing the cat around the house with a light saber. Anna's helping.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Well, practice makes perfect. Let's start playing Eye of the Tiger and do a blowjob training montage.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Just seen a lady with the back of her head shaved and the rest of her hair in a pony tail like a sumo wrestler with a 6 inch glass dolphin hair clip. Nothing is going to ruin my day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

And our DD is passed out in the bathtub with the curtain closed. What happened tonight

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(734): View more from Michigan

What do you wear to apply at a strip club?

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(510): View more from California

in my defense, he kept drinking all of my water.

(925): View more from California

he had diabetes and you told him to stop being a pansy!

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(707): View more from California

I would've been fine if I didn't do the three shots

(1-707): View more from California

You did like 8

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(509): View more from Washington

you puked on the porch, i can see your jacket on the floor next to your underwear. i know your home, unchain the door, you're the worst roommate ever.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Can an epipen be used as a tranquilizer ?

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(563): View more from Iowa

You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(478): View more from Georgia

this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

puking in a sink with a garbage disposal Fucking. Rules. It's like you're punishing your puke when you're done.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(813): View more from Florida

I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just a heads up before you get home. Took the shelves out of the fridge so i could fit the beer ball and bucket of riot punch. Apparently i decided the stove was the best place to keep them. They got cooked when we pre heated to cook a bird we shot. This may be the final straw for our security deposit

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(914): View more from New York

Listen up tinkerbell, You're gonna come to the bar, hit on some fat chicks, and step up when I punch someone in the face.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Oh and I guess I added our cab driver on Facebook. He has "liked" every single one of my beach pictures. Kill me now.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Goddamn tequila

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

i just snorted adderall with my patient's rolled up EKG strip from our last clinical. nursing school has ruined me. thought you would appreciate this.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I got shot at today. If that doesn't get me at least a blow job I give up working on the south side

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(408): View more from California

I just saw a fat chick ask the bartender to top her corona off with grenandine cuz she has a "sweet tooth" no that's diabetes fatty

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(386): View more from Florida

Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's all good. The CSI guy came and I played the theme song while he in was in our place. The cops even laughed.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Lemme guess, I was the one completely shit faced making out with the 50 year old...

(719): View more from Colorado

LOL, wrong number bro. Good luck trying to figure out what happened though..

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was a deal breaker when she told me not to wear a condom and god would decide if we were meant to be together.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I understand where he's coming from but I don't want this alcohol to revolve around relationship

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wait

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(618): View more from Illinois

Plus my stomach has been speaking through my ass all day sending notes saying "fuck you" and "this is from your liver" or "i will kill you."

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(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm tangled in a fishing net down at the harbor. This has nothing to do with Captain Morgan. Bring wirecutters.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(714): View more from California

The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you

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(360): View more from Washington

Edward fifth and chaser hands

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Were at her birthday dinner and her dad keeps buying me shots saying when I was your age I fucked the shit outta girls

(702): View more from Nevada

Hahahahahaha remind him your dating his daughter

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(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I just found scrambled eggs in my shower. Thanks for that, asshole.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(905): View more from Ontario

Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(214): View more from Texas

She has an emergency bra in her purse. I'm gonna check no on the 'introducing her to my new boyfriend' box.

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(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(813): View more from Florida

So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Not too sure about the toy story pull ups. The kids point to their crotch all day and say woody.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(917): View more from New York City

you threw up in the oven last night. i found that out after i preheated it to cook a pizza.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you're just mad because in the hogwarts world I'm Harry and you're Ron. get over it.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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