Texts From Last Night · ejn's Favorites

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ejn's Favorites Texts:

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(804): View more from Virginia

For my job application I just put "community gardener- personal business" for my previous work experience in place of the neighborhood pot grower/distributor

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Very hungover, bought a newspaper and found my shorts from last night in the machine.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

I briefly wondered why they weren't in school, but after the tinier one shouted "check out dem titties!" I had my answer

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(260): View more from Indiana

A good ear swabbing is more orgasmic than sex with him

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's 12 honey baked hams in my fridge. I vaguely recalled you organizing a "Midnight Ham Run."

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(224): View more from Illinois

It's sad because pictures are supposed to say a thousand words, and theirs just say 'fat'

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

is that a crab cake on the shelf with the dvd's....?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(502): View more from Kentucky

one of the cashiers from Kroger is eating at my kitchen table and nobody knows why.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(618): View more from Illinois

you should give me head with plastic fangs in

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i chipped my tooth tryin to cut thru her pantyhose. that stuff is bulletproof.

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(972): View more from Texas

You spend 45 minutes trying to convince that pregnant girl you were with all night to have sex with you cause 'the worst had already happened.'

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(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

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(818): View more from California

his mom and I have the same butterfly tramp stamp. don't ask how that came up

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(210): View more from Texas

I thought it was kinda weird that her ten yearold sister was playing bartender, but hey, the girl makes a damn good drink

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

had to ask my 13 year old sister if she knew any dealers... she did. it's good to be home.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I cannot believe how calm you were last night about telling Katie she was on fire.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Rooting for you and your team in the Beer Olympics this afternoon...! Love you, Mom

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(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Just fucked in his moms tanning bed. While it was on. Weirdest. Tan. Ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my dad just referred to me and my boobs as 'the three of you'

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(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Awww. A guy on the train just took his coat off so his girlfriend could throw up into it. Who says chivalry is dead?

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(315): View more from New York

They pulled him over whille he had a fish tank full of beer in his front seat. He told them it coudn't count as an open container cause the top was on it.

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(845): View more from New York

The cab driver referred to me as his little gumdrop, im sure he won't feel the same when he sees the vomit all over his floor.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(214): View more from Texas

Hate sex is AWESOME! I faked it, and when she fell asleep i came in her purse.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(773): View more from Illinois

why didn't you say something constructive like "stop chugging that vodka"?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He passed out on the patio with nothing on but his boxers. So we put our beer caps on him. Yeah he woke up with a polka dot sunburn.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I missed her say 'don't' before 'come in me'. She felt what was happening and freaked - which actually made the moment 100x better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

what is with people arguing over soda or pop? to be honest i thought it was just called chaser

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Best friends brother. Beat that.

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

It's true- you can buy beer at McDonald's in France. I'm not coming back to the States.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(972): View more from Texas

I didn't think her British accent was real until I saw how fucked up her teeth were.

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya know, years from now when that kid is old enough, I'll get to regale him with the story of how I was his father's AND uncle's first gay experience.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she must've caught on when i went out for a "run" in jeans and a sweatshirt and came back holding a McDonalds bag and smelling like pot.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i got really high and listened to the spongebob squarepants theme song and, i swear to god, it was in german.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(315): View more from New York

It's an acquired taste. Like keystone. Or caviar.

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(386): View more from Florida

You going to midnight mass? we need a dd

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(201): View more from New Jersey

im giving 12 year olds life advice. this is probably illegal somewhere.

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(489): View more from

watching elf naked is so much better than watching it with clothes on .

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I got vodka in my stocking. Having an alcoholic mom has paid off.

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(863): View more from Florida

i like that you affectionately refer to him as "creepy" ever time you talk about him

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

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(805): View more from California

I need Christmas break to be over. I'm tired of fucking my old High School girlfriends

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(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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(315): View more from New York

words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my boyfriend I think I might be pregnant using Emoji icons....

(1-630): View more from Illinois

which icon did you use to tell him he's not the father?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes i look at the biltmore estate and wonder just how small George Vanderbilt's penis was...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i wish i could just hire someone to go down on me every night until i fall asleep

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i woke up, turned over, and noticed an assortment of knives stuck in my wall. i should prob stop drinking

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(708): View more from Illinois

nutella sex= disaster

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Forgot that I saved my paper as "Eat Shit Edwards" and e-mailed it because I missed class. I'm sure Prof. Edwards will be delighted when she gets it. I don't anticipate a passing grade.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just had dinner with my dad's new gf and her daughter.. had to drink a beer to get through it.. she's 19 she has on a disney watch and snowflake earrings

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(906): View more from Michigan

The crazy thing is, I dont actually know where the cat is, she said something bout the back of the toilet and a sock.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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(207): View more from Maine

they said they heard you say put it in my butt

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just walked in on my roommate beating off with no pants on, an unbuttoned hawaiian shirt and a cowboy hat, and he weights 300 pounds

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up this morning with gum gluing my ass cheeks together..

(313): View more from Michigan

I can't decide if I actually want to know or not..

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(845): View more from New York

i guess its officially winter break. i woke up alone and fully clothed this morning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She has 260 profile pics. In 260 she's ugly and in 255, she's making the peace sign with her hands...

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up at 5 am and found myself wrapped in christmas lights that were plugged into the wall.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

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(661): View more from California

My parents just told me I first got drunk when I was 4. Successsssssss

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(317): View more from Indiana

How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?

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(714): View more from California

you'd be alarmed at how much plan b i just found in mom's bathroom...

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i called my mom using *69 and said this was the principal and Matt has a snow a day today. she believed me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just took a closer look at the paper that kid wrote me his number on. It was an ATM receipt. His balance is $17.89. i made the right choice.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

CNN just did a special on how to do heroin safely.. I recorded it for us

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(941): View more from Florida

Family of uber douches all wearing ed hardy in a hummer taking up 2 parking spots at starbucks. Please be more cliche

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(518): View more from New York

He wrote my name on his dick, took a picture and then said "this has your name written all over it!"

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(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(661): View more from California

Do fat girls normaly have fat that look like a penis by their pussy?

(1-661): View more from California

What the hell did you do last night?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she was puking into the toilet drowning herself saying "its okay im a swimmer"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen

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(510): View more from California

i asked why he had a giant piece of popcorn duct taped to his head and he said "No, it's actually part of my neck." so no, i didn't fuck him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was annoying to wait 4 hour for him to be inside for 5 seconds.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

they were just spraying pledge on themselves and calling it lemon cologne.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(404): View more from Georgia

there's got to be a less slutty way to tell him the baby isn't his

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(740): View more from Ohio

needless to say, I hope she has to get an abortion again

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what made it akward was his girlfriends dog watching us have sex

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(407): View more from Florida

official worst smell ever. a used condom that has gone through the dryer.

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(925): View more from California

They're having chugging contests. With juice. Please get me out of Utah.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(765): View more from Indiana

how do i tell her that i need alcohol to fuck her but at the same time i cant get a hard on with alcohol.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he's sitting on top of the fridge in only a black speedo and wont get down

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i woke up to my roommate spraying cooking spray on my legs. fourth time this has happened. not cool.

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.

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(567): View more from Ohio

i convinced her that her period would come back if we did it doggy style

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just asked me to help her create a twitter page for edward cullen's hair.... seriously.

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(240): View more from Maryland

My therapist said that she thinks i may have a sex addiction. I think she may be a terrible therapist.

(1-240): View more from Maryland

Want me to drive you to Dr. Drew's sex rehab?

(240): View more from Maryland

Nah, cause then i cant masturbate to that show anymore.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I totally just watched a girl put a tampon soaked in vodka up her vag

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I need new friends

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

girl next to me is signing up for tough love. definitely getting laid.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have a new fascination with cutting really small segments of hair off peoples heads when they're not looking.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She asked the class if starwars was based on a true story...

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(614): View more from Ohio

just found more coke in my pocket. i love not washing my jeans after every individual use.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

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(876): View more from Jamaica

you know how i said i wouldn't send that pic message of your lofted bed falling from you fucking a fat chick? that was after i sent it to your mom

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Her bacne/racne was so bad it was like having sex with bubble wrap.

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(772): View more from Florida

bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

...you put a chicken patty in my toaster last night..

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(309): View more from Illinois

(917) i just came from walking.

(309): View more from Illinois

haha you just came from walking?

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(386): View more from Florida

I just heard an old guy ask the chick he was with if she wanted to try ass to mouth...

(1-386): View more from Florida

thanks for that.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just heard a woman call her child a butt face. Repeatedly. He's crying now. I love walmart.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Is it too weird if im a sexy tampon for halloween?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was high enough to think chocolate sauce on bagel bites was a good idea

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(480): View more from Arizona

Thanks for ditching me last night. I got a ride home from the Dominos delivery guy. You owe me 3 large pizzas.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

cab driver says "I saw your friend who opens her legs. she went home with two guys." pretty sure he was talking about you

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

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(330): View more from Ohio

yah i'm on my way- is everything ok?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

i'm holding a walmart bag of my own hot vomit that i closed up with some random chicks hair tie. we r pretty fucking far from ok

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(425): View more from Washington

I wish scraping a resin bowl could be considered cleaning.

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(914): View more from New York

you were licking his little sister's watercolors and trying to paint with your tongue.

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(971): View more from Oregon

:O -> O: ... that's emoticon for "he threw up in my mouth while we were making out"

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(224): View more from Illinois

his penis was crooked so i rode him at an angle. he seemed used to this.

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(678): View more from Georgia

he has cookie breath... dont trust fat people.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

And then he asked me why the subtitles were in Arabic. The television was off.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I know the vomits not mine cause its on my back.

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just got the best bj of my life in the pastors office at church.. Youre right jesus really does love me.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have now learned nap means the same thing as sex in college

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(416): View more from Ontario

He did a double fist pump when he discovered the Magnums fit and skipped back towards the bed.

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(352): View more from Florida

dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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(703): View more from Virginia

i woke up today to a handjob from this really fat girl that keeps calling me michael phelps

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I never thought I'd hear the words "aww you pulled out" and "you're so sweet" in the same sentence.

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(562): View more from California

he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

what if every blade of grass was a penis?

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(161): View more from

that was the first time i tried it. why is it all sticky? its like somebody threw a glue bottle at my face.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.

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(424): View more from California

Do u kno any dealers?

(1-424): View more from California

I've officially lost all respect for you, dad.

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(209): View more from California

do you want me to make hamburgers?

(541): View more from Oregon

i'm vegan

(209): View more from California

i'll put lettuce on them

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(540): View more from Virginia

The best part was that when i tried to chase her she ran off in one of those barbie motorized jeeps that little kids use and i chased her on a big wheel, thru lincoln terrace

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(802): View more from Vermont

Court Ordered Rehab!!! Do you think I'll need a swimsuit?

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(517): View more from Michigan

when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Every time he makes fun of me for anything I just remind myself he ate ice cream out of a strippers vagina

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did the walk of shame past her kids. I'm younger than one of them.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I just asked a Chinese man and found out our tattoos actually mean vagina...

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

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(214): View more from Texas

so he went down on me and i thought i heard him say "you're smelly" to my vagina

(214): View more from Texas

i got awkward and finally asked him what he said

(214): View more from Texas

he actually said "you want some dick?" to my vagina. which is worse? either way he's talking to it

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(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(916): View more from California

I want you to know that after i type the word "your" vagina is next on my predictive tex

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(310): View more from California

the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he told me not be awkward when his girlfriend comes tomorrow. and then he made out with me

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(251): View more from Alabama

i have this theory that all the people in the world who dont like mayonnaise had very bad encounter with jizz once

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(513): View more from Ohio

did you know delaware is a STATE? HOLY CRAP! i didn't till i was hitting on this chick and asked her when she said she was from delaware, which state that was in. crazyness

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(713): View more from Texas

Just ran into that chick u called from my phone and left her a MSG bout how she has aids

(979): View more from Texas

Ahaha, good shit

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(865): View more from Tennessee

she said it was ok for her to take her top off in the hot tub but she didn't take off her bottoms because that would be slutty

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone

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(281): View more from Texas

So I tried to call my phone from his phone and was like, "hey, my name is not in here..I thought you had my number" turns out he has my number saved as "gives good head"

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

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(574): View more from Indiana

I accidently shit my pants. So I tried to throw my underwear in their lake, but they floated. So in the middle of the night, I got into the paddle boat and had to throw a rock on top of them so they would sink. Next time, I just won't shit myself.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(801): View more from Utah

Everytime she tries to call me all I can think about is when she tripped walking down my steps during her walk of shame. Then I laugh until it goes to voicemail

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(310): View more from California

Friend I haven't seen in almost a year just IMed me to let me know that my mom stuck her boob out the window on the freeway at her.

(310): View more from California

Her mom responded by mooning my mother. I really don't know what's worse.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(252): View more from North Carolina

U know u have sex too much when u have lube in ur rolliball on ur blackberry

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(708): View more from Illinois

You drew a self portrait of yourself on his wall with sharpie.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i think beer pong is the only time ive ever found a use for geometry

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(586): View more from Michigan

I think a girl in front of me glued an ugg tag to a weird pair of boots.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

guy in the car over is getting some terrible road head. he just gave me a thumbs down when he noticed i was watching.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she made me cover her fishbowl with my shirt because she "didn't want to corrupt it."

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(206): View more from Washington

She wanted to watch a Baby Einstein DVD while we fucked. I'm pretty open minded but that felt a little creepy.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Did you ever feel like going into a planned parenthood and performing an abortion in front of them?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Umm..who the fuck is this?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh shit

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(541): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

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(510): View more from California

i am high, trapped with a bunch of skaters and asians watching a cat on lsd on youtube, the girl on the couch next to me is getting fingered, and there is lady gaga playing. god has forgetten about me

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(201): View more from New Jersey

so whenever I text yeah my phone automatically corrects it to yeahhhheeehhyeahyeahh .. too much party in the USA?

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(602): View more from Arizona

and I asked her"are you allergic to condoms latex like your older sister " she said "Idk this is gonna be my 1time"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No I'm not okay I had a crush on the singer of Tokio Hotel for four months and now you tell me he's a dude?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(214): View more from Texas

New first...just saw an entire family of homeless hitch hikers...kids and all. God, i love Oklahoma!

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wish they made helmets for livers.

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(718): View more from New York

he was screaming in a recently acquired accent that he paid for delivery and they could cancel the entire order if they didn't come upstairs

(1-718): View more from New York

I thought you said it was going to get worse not hilarious.

(718): View more from New York

the delivery boy turned out to be my students mother. now she knows that i have incredibly low standards AND thanks to the fact that he still has dialup the pizza tracker was way off and she rang the bell and he answered mid bong rip.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept calling me your small dog last night.

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(785): View more from Kansas

it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Man now I have poo on my blackberry!!!

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

brownberry?

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(480): View more from Arizona

We started making out, then he decided to get naked, put on a condom, and proceed to dry hump my leg, sweat pants and all, until he blew his load. I thought this was college. I immediatly left claiming I can't sleep in other people's rooms. He didn't even bother taking off my hoodie.

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(775): View more from Nevada

A lady just asked me if you "seat yourselves" here at qdoba. I told her yea and she has been sitting at a table waiting for someone to take her order for 25 mins.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Is it bad that when my prof gave examples of "stalking" behavior, I either have done or would do most of them?

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(775): View more from Nevada

soo I had sex last night and he wore a condom, pulled out sans condom. we looked everywhere and couldnt find it, even in my vag. so Im in the library at school and I googled it and it gave me "gentle digging" techniques, and sure enough, found it. ew. I'll be purchasing Plan B after class.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just saw some guy walking down the street rapping about various types of pasta.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just found the book "How to Stay Christian in College" on my roommates desk. At a loss for words...

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(320): View more from Minnesota

so I think he was half asleep, but he woke me up by saying "where's my cow? Is it being shipped?" He must have been dreaming about farmville..

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(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class just threw up in a waterbottle during our exam.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

you were stealing lawn gnomes and punching cars. I'm not surprised you got arrested.

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(912): View more from Georgia

you insisted on breathalizing me with a inhaler.

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(909): View more from California

flash back: i gave smirnoff to a group of children at walmart

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(850): View more from Florida

He smothers me through text. I can't even image what he'd be like in person.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you just can't say no to drugs on a mirrored table.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I knew the sex would be bad when he slipped the rubber on and said "safe sex activated"

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a man vacuming his front lawn. What is this world coming to?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i dont know you, but i just did a line with your business card.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Bret has after-school detention for writing Brianna has a stinky vag on the ground at recess.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(408): View more from California

I got into my dads silver toyota in the back seat to get picked up and 2 mins later I asked my dad when are we leaving, then an old mexican woman turned around. wrong toyota I'm guessing.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You discussed the Arab/Israeli conflict with the guy behind the counter at the Kebab shop telling him you supported his people. He was clearly Asian.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i'm smoking hookah in a kayak. how did this happen.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Helping high family members not look retarded is what family is for

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(801): View more from Utah

so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Mission leave-the-puke-on-the-floor-til-the-dog-eats-it completed. I work smarter not harder

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Hm. I declare blue a flavor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and when he finished he started shouting "swim boys SWIM"

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(316): View more from Kansas

No, I'm not okay. Girls are wearing BUMPITS here.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

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(703): View more from Virginia

You dont ever try to use your dick as a power washer to get bits of poop of the toilet bowl?

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(785): View more from Kansas

First shot of my 21st. 11 a.m. in econ class. Success.

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(512): View more from Texas

Having sex with the stobe light on was the best bad idea I've ever had.

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(253): View more from Washington

You told him your wedding ring was part of your costume. not okay!!

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(317): View more from Indiana

One of the cleaning ladies on my floor just screamed from the bathroom

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(512): View more from Texas

they started playing Don't Stop Believin' and you had a melt down because it wasnt the Glee version

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(630): View more from Illinois

he screamed my twitter name while we were having sex.

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(916): View more from California

I hate ducks.

(916): View more from California

What?

(916): View more from California

they're sketch. like squirrels. squirrels are sketch as fuck.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Someone told me they could tell we were from cincinnati because we say "as fuck" after adjectives

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I found out 2day that my dad was a stripper in New Oleans.

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Can I crash on your couch? I just came home to find my wife giving two guys blowjobs.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

Two?

(404): View more from Georgia

Two.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(914): View more from New York

omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you wouldn't stop saying "oil can" in the tin man voice until I gave you back your flask

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(616): View more from Michigan

those are the first brownies ive had since i was 13 that didnt have weed in them.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost control in the snow and hit a parked car. I went into our building to get a pen and paper to leave a note and when I came back the car was gone and there was a hot girl there. I used the pen and paper to get her number.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(312): View more from Illinois

Text. Mid BJ. 8 points.

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(810): View more from Michigan

Did you ever notice that cashews look like fetuses?

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(810): View more from Michigan

This ginger kid smells like a queef popsicle

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(949): View more from California

Hey sorry for feelin' up your date. Sadly, this is a mass txt.

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(713): View more from Texas

Hope the move went well! I'll miss you!

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you are a cunt and I hated living with you and your skeezy boyfriend.Just thought I'd get that out there.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I tried to give up sex for lent. It feels weird that on easter I'm this excited to be a whore again

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(503): View more from Oregon

bahahaha. this guy working at subway literally has someone's name tattooed on his arm, crossed out, and another name below it.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i'm saving my butt for my wedding night

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

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(731): View more from Tennessee

new low: just stole a ciggarette from a bum sleeping on the side of the street.

(1-731): View more from Tennessee

ohh what kind?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(810): View more from Michigan

If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

(989): View more from Michigan

I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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(214): View more from Texas

he was going down on me when he saw the warts...nevertheless he told me he had to pick his sister up from school. why does this keep happening to me???

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(214): View more from Texas

I was in the bathroom and heard my brother scream "YOU FAIL!!!", and I swear to GOD, I thought my penis was yelling at me.

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(916): View more from California

How do you know one of your one night stands hasn't produced a child? You may have hundreds of kids.

(1-916): View more from California

Pretty sure I don't. One night stands are purely anal..no exceptions.

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(519): View more from Ontario

why do they call them blowjobs? ....unless i'm doing it wrong?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Just ran to the store on my way to the office to buy Diet Coke...the guy in front of me let me cut because it was 4 more minutes until 8am, so he wouldn't be able to purchase his vodka. I love Wisconsin

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I skipped work to stalk him.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(440): View more from Ohio

I wish Morgan Freeman narrated my life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I have a masturbator in my 5th grade class. the teacher told me ever since they caught him humping the desk in 2nd grade, they haven't been able to control him. he's even on medication but he will just do it in class

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Google if cops ever smoke weeds and then bust them. I need to know immidiately.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if i had a dollar for every time ive had to piece a night together like they did in "the hangover", i bet i could outsell their weekend box office earnings...

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(317): View more from Indiana

i wonder how he feels talking to my mother about jesus with a condom on his dick

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Some kid in my class just puked in his backpack, zipped up the backpack, put the backpack on and walked out the door.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

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(914): View more from New York

I may or may not have puked in my RA's suggestion box.

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(845): View more from New York

I was doing the dishes wondering what was with all the tiny little cups, but then I remembered that some people drink things other than huge mixed drinks and big cups of water the next day.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up next to her writing my name in some journal. apparently she makes every guy she hooks up with sign out.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i just identified you from a description of your pipe

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

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(714): View more from California

why do cheetos always look like penises

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(217): View more from Illinois

some how when im high sleep beats hunger...its like how paper beats rock it doesnt make any fucking sense but it still happens

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(704): View more from North Carolina

my grandma was just praying before dinner, and before she could finish my gpa lifted his glass and said 'and here's to avatar!'

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I had a new years resolution not to be a whore anymore, but I think I'm gonna wait till 2011

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm in my boyfriends bathroom and I shit so bad, there was no toilet paper but his mom's clothes were on the floor and I wiped my butt on her underwear... now it looks like she sharted

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(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

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(607): View more from New York

he woke me up at 3 am to ask me where my plunger, a towel, and staples were. i'm afraid to go into my bathroom.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(631): View more from New York

"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(803): View more from South Carolina

that shit musta been laced I laughed for two hours and everyone looked like penguins

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

me and this guy in my office just exchanged an "i saw you at a drag show last night" look as he passed by my desk.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I love reading their "i love you more" , "no i love you more" war on facebook today knowing that he hooked up with me last night. I bet i know who wins that one.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(410): View more from Maryland

These old people don't even realize they're giving me weed money for shoveling snow.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(510): View more from California

I wish that vaginas would just grow when you're ready for sex. Like when you dont need your vagina its not there, but when you need it...BAM its there. then no one would see it when you get drunk

(415): View more from California

yeah...or you could just stop doing cartwheels in skirts

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(209): View more from California

she met some random, took his vcard, peed in his bed, left, and then requested him as her boyfriend on facebook

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(309): View more from Illinois

i can tell by the sound of your bed that he isnt that good at sex.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Walk of shame... his parents made me go to church with them first. in my club top sweat pants and slippers. i just slapped god in the face

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm bakin' bread in my pussy!

(1-314): View more from Missouri

What?

(314): View more from Missouri

I have a yeast infection.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

where'd the toddler underneathe the beer pong table come from?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(305): View more from Florida

It is 3am. I'm at a pizzeria with my 4 friends. The one to my right is throwing up on herself, the one to my left is crying hysterically by herself, the one in front of me is passed out on the table, and the other is trying to find a taxi and I'm pretty sure a guy is sticking his hand up her skirt. Tourists are taking pictures. Help me.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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