Texts From Last Night · freshlybaked's Favorites

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(408): View more from California

I think the best part was the fact that the stripper's lock screen was a picture of the virgin mary

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(703): View more from Virginia

OMFG "ASS" JUST STARTED PLAYING ON MY PHONE VIA PANDORA AS IM IN THE CAR WITH A CONGRESSMAN FUCKKKK

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(248): View more from Michigan

Gonna play a drinking game called drink til I feel my emotions. The things I do so I can be a therapist

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(408): View more from California

stoners and superglue do NOT mix

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i have never been so sexually frustrated as I am right now. I feel like dying...is death an option?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found my weird threshold when Truth or Dare became everyone get naked and snort Adderall off the kitchen counter.

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(212): View more from New York

When I said I wanted you to make noise during sex, I didn't mean mocking ones.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Come to my pity party. It's being hosted in my basement. The theme is ambiguously sexual cuddling and wine.

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(+35): View more from

I have feelings that need drinking.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

so we were doing it and I was like umm hi im losing my virginity can you take off your beanie

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

There are many penises to be discovered and claimed tonight

(202): View more from Washington, DC

We're like Lewis and Clark

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(563): View more from Iowa

I had sex on the roof of the dorm last night ... I feel like a combination of spiderman and van wilder

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(613): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure i brought my phone charger to a booty call

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(651): View more from Minnesota

SUNS OUT COOCHY OUT

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I'm driving around California right now hiding little bags of weed in random places like Easter eggs so that I can come back and find them later

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Oh I know babe. You're shining beacon of adult responsibility. That's why I go down on you.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I go down on you because abs

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(440): View more from Ohio

Currently hiding in the shower from the RA and my elbow turns it on. Showers and Ciroc don't mix..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I die, let him know that his penis was the last penis I saw. And I'm happy about that.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

And I was like "take off the damn flower crown, we're about to have sex not post an indie picture on tumblr"

(571): View more from Virginia

why not an indie porn pic then

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up and there was pizza slices on the fucking walls of my room

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(818): View more from California

Just made out with the guy who gave me my tour. Full circle college win.

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(925): View more from California

Where was Alyssa when you were sniffing the bouncer?

(1-925): View more from California

Passed out on some guy who looked like someone from Duck Dynasty.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was hooking up with him and then someone banged on the door and shouted "When you get the chance, will you put the weed on the veranda?"

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(417): View more from Missouri

See! Theres potential!

(1-417): View more from Missouri

Oh yeah. All good relationships start with a threesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Our music was glorious. Maidens were deflowered to the sound of my voice.

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(760): View more from California

I guess I look like the kind of girl who would buy edible, weed-infused lube.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm beginning to think that women just have dogs at home as an excuse to leave ASAP after hooking up, without sounding like a typical guy.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I would rather you cheat on me then you watch this season of Breaking Bad without me.

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(716): View more from New York

Also, my phone suggested the phrase “puke in the mailbox" how many times have I had the need to text that to people?

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(914): View more from New York

Like I'm sorry but "it'll be fine trust me" IS NOT VERY REASSURING ASSHAT. Now take off your pants.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The world is a different place when I'm actually having sex

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(330): View more from Ohio

Bar selfie Saturday turned into bar nudie Saturday in a hurry. I need to delete my snapchat...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

NATIONAL GIVE A BOSTON COP A BLOW JOB BITCH ROAD TRIP NOW

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(510): View more from California

Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award

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(817): View more from Texas

apparently, dueling with garden tools in Home Depot is strictly frowned upon

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My roommate was tripping balls last night, he kept me up all fucking night

(212): View more from New York

Roommate? Please tell me you're not calling your cat your roommate

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(757): View more from Virginia

You need to stop thinking about the needs of your vagina and concentrate on the greater good

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Who knows. Maybe the world would be a better place if more people sent their drug dealers thank you cards.

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(714): View more from California

I dunno. We kind of want to have a hippie communing with nature type break. But because we're such alcoholics I feel like we'll just be wasted the whole time in addition to hugging trees and shit

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think Saturday night will always be a mystery to me, except for buying an excessive amount of birthday shots for everyone and yelling BIRTHDAY SHOTS before every shot.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My boss just high fived me after finding out i made it through lunch rush rolling on molly. To think this guy used to terify me.

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(206): View more from Washington

My mom asked me if I ever go on dates. I had to suppress the urge to ask if having casual sex with a freshmen counts as dating

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(334): View more from Alabama

Everytime Our professor said "penis fencing" in class today we took shots.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Playing nyquil pong with a cat again

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(806): View more from Texas

First stoner thought of the day: Life would be so much better if there were more things that were biscuits and gravy flavored.

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(714): View more from California

Apparently when your theatre teacher asks who the best actor of our time is, Nicolas Cage is not the right answer.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Who says there aren't gentlemen anymore? My one night stand warmed up my car for me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't know why you're always hating on relationships. I've had chocolate pancakes accompanied by a blowjob and a blunt and it's not even 9 am. Time for mid morning shower sex. Enjoy your morning bong bowl alone asshole

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude it's SB. It's a proven fact that all you need to survive on is beer, weed, chips and maybe some amphetamines

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dad had me doing shots of chocolate mint Everclear last night. I've never felt closer to him.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We should totally stay in at new years, have sex and try to time orgasm to the countdown

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Sadly he is straight as an arrow that is designed by a robot computer from the future with lasers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

This saddens me. Mostly because I want to see the schematics on that robot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sensing a Yuletide blow job in your future and by future I mean tomorrow

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(678): View more from Georgia

Every time I see him I get horny. I can't help it!

(770): View more from Georgia

Just stop. You're making other wives look bad. We are all starting to hate you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I've slept in a different bed every day this week. Operation Ho Ho Ho is a success!

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yes. We drank 3/4 of a handle of vodka, fried and ate a 3lb package of bacon, I tackled the neighbors snowman, made snow angels in our underwear, and then fucked all night. Christmas success.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

We lost you in the mall, but to no surprise we found you waiting in line to sit on santas lap. You said you wanted to ask him for a pound of weed and a subway giftcard for xmas.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I just realized, I'm going to be on my period for the end of the world. FUCK.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning to find a stuffed animal submerged in the toilet. I'm not entirely sure if it was the cat or Kara.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I call it a party but only because that sounds better than 8 people getting drunk around a pool.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Embrace your curves. Cuz we're too poor for a coke habit.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

AT THIS RATE YOU WILL HAVE FUCKED MORE OF MY CLOSE FRIENDS THAN I HAVE PEOPLE PERIOD BY VALENTINE'S DAY.

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(415): View more from California

If you can get her to make out with you without paying for it, I will personally make you president of the american lesbian league

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I ran into my parents house and stole a bottle of vodka last night...Apparently left them a note that read "DRUNK. TOOK VODKA. BRING MORE."

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(602): View more from Arizona

The dorm caught on fire so it turned into a 5am pool party

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(301): View more from Maryland

Captain Morgan didnt let me down when i stand up it feels like the world is trying to hand me rainbows.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I think I hit my head on every surface in that apartment last night

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(817): View more from Texas

I am playing a little game I like to call "How Quickly Can I Infuse This Vodka Into My Bloodstream Without the Use of an IV"

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(310): View more from California

At some point, it turned less into sparring and more into tough guy dry humping.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Want to come over and play therapist and then fuck all the emotion away?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

He's had mdma poured down his throat. He's getting huggy.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Then he wanted a handjob in the car. While my cousin was driving. To krispy kreme. And there was someone else in the backseat.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Jesus...So southern.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I think the multiple Sunday morning sirens outside my window are a plot by the cops to get back at me for the shit we pulled last night. Or I should move to a better area.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

The amount of alcohol I'm going to consume on my birthday is directly proportional to the amount of shit I've had to put up with this past year. Which is a lot.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure I have a cold now from having sex on the hood of my car in the rain. Worth it? Absolutely.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Your mom won me $100 and you showed me your tits. Solid evening.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

he just texted me saying he needs a place to stay for the night. pretty sure i just got booty called to my own house...

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(845): View more from New York

I had such a pleasant walk of shame. The sun was shining, I smiled at all the high school suckers who judged me on their way to school, and I made friends with an old guy and his dog.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He bought my favorite ceral.. I've guess I've earn the status as one of his regular fuck buddies. I feel honored and proud. His roommates girls don't get this treatment.

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(214): View more from Texas

If you were wondering whether I accidentally FaceTime called the undergrad who works for me in lab during a particularly graphic blow job last night, then the answer is yes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

My autobiography is now tentatively titled "I'm Fucking the DJ, and Other Ways to Party for Cheap"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(310): View more from California

Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(303): View more from Colorado

how did operation slutty penguin go?

(619): View more from California

pretty epic. there was a guy who was also dressed as a penguin. i asked him if he would keep my eggs warm while i went fishing for the winter

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(518): View more from New York

He invited me over for shower sex and pizza. Officially the best booty call relationship around.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we're decorating our christmas cookies with birth control. so pretty.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I WANT TO. I JUST IMAGINE HIS BEAUTIFUL BLONDE HEAD INBETWEEN MY LEGS AND I BREAK DOWN AND START CRYING.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I literally was just rolling on the ground and said to her 'this is what dying looks like'

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'm not sure whom I'm texting but I put you in my phone as last nights fuck budy, and I'm just curious if I left my clutch with you?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm never drinking with you again. I woke up in Midtown with a 7' tall Norwegian rugby player named Lexie. Never. Again.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just had a threesome. Girlfriend wasn't a part of it. Broke up with her by sending her a picture of it. Hell is going to be awesome

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm really glad that we can be casual hook up buddies. This is a true friendship. Now, please convince your roommate to do the same. Thanks.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude. Once again. Cleaning house. Found weed I hid from myself a month ago. Celebrating/testing it out. if i dont text back in 10, call dominos.

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(310): View more from California

We're both great liars, in committed relationships, and horny. Its the perfect storm of cheating

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have a broken liver

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Oh so it was one of those "I shouldn't have gotten in a cab with a random 21 year old girl" kinda nights.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Please stop using me as a reference for bail bondsmen.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

On my way to the DMV to get arrested

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(518): View more from New York

It's always awkward in the office the day after your boss sends you a dick pic.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?

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(515): View more from Iowa

i think i need to institute a "if your dick has been in my mouth this year i get a xmas present" policy

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(904): View more from Florida

It seems that only way I've actually improved myself after 2 years of writing for the school newspaper is that I've mastered the art of descriptive words to improve my sexting skills

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Right but I don't wanna waste the whole weekend not having sex when we could be having sex

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(906): View more from Michigan

Just saw you drinking out of a flask on national tv. I've never been more proud of you

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(914): View more from New York

I can always tell I missed tequila night based on the hickeys on your neck man. Fucking call me.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, sex on a first date is no, right? Really, I just don't want to clean my apartment, but I'm trying to hide behind "morals" in an effort to appear less lazy.

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(928): View more from Arizona

The last time I thought I had a UTI, I ended up having herpes. Sooo.. This time in preparing myself for cancer or death.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am now being bribed with one orgasm per every meal I eat. This is the best anorexia therapy ever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It started as ''I want a romantic life right now'' text. It ended with pool table sex.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we were the definition of too high: argued for 10 minutes about who was gonna get the condom (it was 2 feet away on the night stand) and past out watching adventure time.

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Something about a hand job in a car doesn't scream girlfriend

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(925): View more from California

I saw pigeons eating ur dried up puke today. Last night was fucking great

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The cops busted down the door and everyone ran. I was just trying to find my shirt before I got arrested

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(386): View more from Florida

Taking shots with an iv of fluids in, because I work tomorrow. That's responsibility. Employee of the month right here.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(907): View more from Alaska

She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

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(515): View more from Iowa

Why am I always the sober one?

(641): View more from Iowa

Cause you're the only one with any sort of self control. It's kinda your super power...

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(310): View more from California

I don't give a damn about what he wants to do with his life. Personalities are for pussies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(360): View more from Washington

Oh, and trying to figure out who wants to do Molly in a frat is like asking damn children if they want puppies and candy. So just bring as much as possible.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Whoevers house this is has only beer and cream cheese in the fridge. Thats the diet im gonna go on

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(718): View more from New York

Todays life lesson brought to you by last nights half pitchers of cheap sangria: you'll never get the stain or the SMELL of sangria vomit out of your bedroom carpet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Drinking loves me for WHO I am

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When Vanessa's kindergarten teacher called me in because she was caught with her hand down some boys pants in the bathroom, I knew you babysat last week.

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(773): View more from Illinois

i'm almost positive she was a dude but like it doesn't even matter

(1-773): View more from Illinois

re read what you just said

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(301): View more from Maryland

The reality is I'm 24 and I have terminal breast cancer. Fuck yeah I'm going have sex with every hot guy I can. What, am I gonna worry about getting an STD or pregnant at this point? If I'm gonna die, I want to have any many big dicks as I can while I'm still able.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had sex with him again...yikes. and the whole time he kept saying "i wish we could do this forever." Forever lasted about 45 seconds

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It is very possible that having sex with you just now just got me into Yale

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If we laid all the dicks that's have been inside of us end to end it would be as tall as 4 story building. 40 feet of dicks.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I needed that adderall to break my tradition of passing out at the bar on Sundays

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His lack of social graces and moral fiber complements mine nicely.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

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(585): View more from New York

Dude I wanna go on a booze cruise

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude our life is a booze cruise

(585): View more from New York

But without boats...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Lesson of the night: never take shots out of a bottle you found under a couch in a frat house. I have no idea where I am

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

its like fishing. just send her some cock shots to keep her on the hook then use tequila to reel her in

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(330): View more from Ohio

When i'm home next we need to get baked and go to waffle house. I want to see if the waitress can still guess my intoxication level and what i'm about to order before i even make it to the table.

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(562): View more from California

New rule. No seeing movies about plane crashes after killer bong rips

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(205): View more from Alabama

I remember it because it was right after the sadness and right before the sluttiness. The calm before the storm if you will

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(415): View more from California

It makes me really sad that some people start their saturdays running or biking instead of with 3 shots of tequila, a sausage biscuit, freaks & geeks and 2 orgasms.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

He told me he wanted to sober fuck the shit outa me... I took that as a compliment

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(248): View more from Michigan

Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(330): View more from Ohio

My inner buddhist recalls, "You receive the d when you aren't looking for it, only when the d wants you." True story.

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(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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(678): View more from Georgia

I guess birthday shots aren't always the answer

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Nothing says I'll be 22 tomorrow like washing the vomit out of your hair at 4pm

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(318): View more from Louisiana

At what point do you think my baptist preacher of a father will clue in that my brother "bringing a foreign exchange student" for thanksgiving means "bringing his european boyfriend and they'll probably fuck every night" for thanksgiving?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Duuuuuuuude, I need you to sleep with my girlfriend so I can tell you both to move out

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just found a condom on my floor from last weekend. 2/2. The scavenger hunt is over.

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(760): View more from California

I think I'm still a little drunk from Sunday Funday and I just changed for a date in my car. wish me luck.

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(585): View more from New York

I'VE CAME 4 TIMES TODAY. I AM AS DRY AS THE SAHARA, STOP YOUR WHINING.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(416): View more from Toronto

It's like shitshowville, population: those girls.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

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(302): View more from Delaware

And she was like "I wanted you all for myself, to love you, and treat you like gold."... See this is why I shouldn't fuck Italian chicks...

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(540): View more from Virginia

The hookup that almost was... Both partys too drunk to migrate to the other.... the universe has won this one.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Lest we forget our veterans. Also that two years ago I lost my virginity on this day in a hot tub. Go me for being the worst person on earth.

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(561): View more from Florida

I think people like me is why alcohol became illegal at one point

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(319): View more from Iowa

I just hope when I turn 21, it doesn't tank my entire semester.

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(469): View more from Texas

I guess, all I remember was giving you road head the whole way there so you wouldn't fall asleep.

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(314): View more from Missouri

He made a fake guest pass that was just a note card with "I'm here. Me." written in sharpie, and tried to convince the security guard it was real.

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(708): View more from Illinois

did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(802): View more from Vermont

So burnt out. Like weed hangover. And someone just fell through the ceiling outside of my class. How's your morning going?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(914): View more from New York

i gave you head in a backbend. if that doesnt say happy birthday i dont know what does.

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(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

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(904): View more from Florida

Her boobs felt like beanie babies from heaven

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just rolled an Obama blunt and a Romney shame joint for tonight. Vote wisely.

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(925): View more from California

I'm gonna fuck that sweet little pussy of yours into absolute submission

(925): View more from California

Wow. Sorry. As soon as I sent that I felt inappropriate. But yes. Bring a sandwich after. Lol

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just got back to our room ....neither of us spent the night there but both our beds are occupied. send help.

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(512): View more from Texas

Oh my god. A memory of last night just came to me. One of our neighbors joked about Thomas having a big dick and I just kept shaking my head profusely.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

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(713): View more from Texas

My life has become one weird ass game. No one wins. No one loses. We all just kind of hang in limbo and hope we don't die. Eskimo sisters for life. Please have sex with one of them.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(503): View more from Oregon

i accidenteley seduced the christian girl's brother so i dont think we can count on free church picnic food again

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(513): View more from Ohio

OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

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(613): View more from Ontario

He sent me a 7 minute voicemail of him playing wonderwall on the acoustic guitar I'm not even kidding did he seriously think that would work

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him i wanted to be exclusively cheating with him

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(201): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

He keeps texting me videos of fish swimming in his fish tank, so I think it's safe to say he's back on weed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Would your heart desire to drink copious amounts of alcohol tonight?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I don't see how I managed to fuck up so much shit in an hour and a half..

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

slut bingo starts in ten minutes ...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

dont iron anything. we fucked on the ironing board. details to follow.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(208): View more from Idaho

What's a "vodkaffle"?

(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's where she puts vodka in the waffle mix.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bone him for me, BONE HIM TWICE FOR ME.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm going as a slutty football player, and all night i'll drunkily whisper "id love to catch your balls." into random strangers ears.

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(631): View more from New York

Stoned in a petco on a Saturday. I figured out that ferrets can eat themselves out. Just picture it. Never leaving.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I'll explain later but basically I was feeling dangerous, I'm dressed as Ann Romney and Ann Romney is a bad bitch.

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(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

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(512): View more from Texas

I beat my mom's friend's boyfriend in a vodka chugging competition. Our generation FTW.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?

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(+81): View more from

I've got beer and a bag of saltwater taffy and croutons, is that enough for this typhoon thing?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

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(910): View more from North Carolina

even the AIR tastes like tequila.

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm sexting at the thanksgiving dinner table...this is a new holiday tradition.

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(904): View more from Florida

You cant carve pumpkins without vodka. It's a Halloween tradition.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Straight up if I get stuck with her I'm going to drink myself into a prison cell.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

okay. so this hammed chick got arrested and she keeps trying to make out with the cop. i like her style.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I can't. He's too cute and my tongue is too long.

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(716): View more from New York

Reunion weekend was a success. Had 3 ex's inside my vag. Hat trick!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is the booze for tonight or the apocalypse?

(315): View more from New York

Both. Pregaming the zombie party and hurricane sustenance.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just going to lay in a blanket cocoon of self pity for the next few months.

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(914): View more from New York

Watching videos from last night and u go "I should be the president, I can get whatever I want w my tits"

(1-914): View more from New York

New rule: I am no longer allowed to speak

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

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(+61): View more from Australia

As its breast cancer awareness month, I'm going to do my part by making everyone aware of my breasts

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(816): View more from Missouri

He only likes me when I'm naked and I don't like being around him clothed. It's the perfect relationship.

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(805): View more from California

Awkwardly walking by your fuck buddy and waving a casual hi in his direction like nothing has happened is probably the best thing in my life

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(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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(407): View more from Florida

I've been drinking vodka for the last 12 hours at the beach and can't see straight and have awesome hair.

(646): View more from New York

LIFE IS #1 SOMETIMES

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am as serious as getting herpes in Mexico...

(718): View more from New York

What do herpes have to do with anything?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Apparently blazed enough to think that the sizzling meatballs in the pan were calling your name...Ssssteeeeeve

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(410): View more from Maryland

I love how my cats smell like pot.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(727): View more from Florida

well, the drug dealer I've been fucking the past 5 months gave me a chilis gift card for Christmas, so things are looking up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so proud of us for fucking the same friend group before we met in a completely unrelated instance.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(847): View more from Illinois

He was like Sweeney Todd... But, without the killing people part.

(312): View more from Illinois

So... He's a barber?

(847): View more from Illinois

No. He's got crazy hair, and a revenge fetish. But he's hot. Does that make up for it?

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(360): View more from Washington

corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.

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(425): View more from Washington

oh good. ive just found out that i went downstairs at 6 am still blacked out and had a 30 minute conversation with my mom about the different ways to feed our dog

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wheres my essay?

(415): View more from California

You mean the vodka drenched shreds of paper taped all over the walls of the hallway?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just found out my mom named me after her fake ID from college...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(469): View more from Texas

I deserve a fucking award for best roommate. I just cleaned his room, so he can have a 3 some

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(303): View more from Colorado

His penis smells like laundry I just wanted to cuddle it

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Who was the girl that woke me up at 4am to tell me "there's an emergency, we need you to come smoke weed"

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(434): View more from Virginia

I might have hooked up with a 2003 alumni last night in the basement

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Dude you were ten when he graduated

(434): View more from Virginia

Wahoowaaaaaaa

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(205): View more from Alabama

My fake id got more birthday sex than I've had in my life.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just railed me after that sext

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(252): View more from North Carolina

If a vagina could give out awards, you should be preparing an acceptance speech.

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My mom said "I don't want to fund your drug problem" so she gave me a gift card to the book store. I now have a 420 page book on growing weed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(845): View more from New York

no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Spending 4 hours in the emergency room today tells me that your birthday party was a success.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

There are twenty thousand men on this campus, please have sex with someone who isn't my drug dealer

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(219): View more from Indiana

This election needs to be over, im tired of girls asking who im going to vote for mid hookup

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(616): View more from Michigan

Turns out he's old enough to be my dad. I'm so excited. I've never had a sugar daddy before. What should I ask for first!? Want anything?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may only be 25% black, but after that sexual experience I am 100% never going back.

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(214): View more from Texas

We really need to check into harvesting part of our liver now

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(417): View more from Missouri

I sent him an 18 page sext. He's going to have a good morning.

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(716): View more from New York

you puked in the bathtub and said "let them pee"

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(614): View more from Ohio

I want everyone to love me, and THEN I will choose who gets to eat me out all the time.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My attorney has my name in her roldex as need to hit that. Im gonna win my case

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(512): View more from Texas

Hot Italian guy literally came into my logic class just to get my number to study with me and left. America.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The worst that could happen is you end up with a black eye and I get laid.. I'm okay with my end of that bargain.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I had so much drainage I couldn't moan properly. Fuck allergy season

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(817): View more from Texas

It's taking 3 penises to fill the hole he left in my heart.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

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(302): View more from Delaware

because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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(+34): View more from Spain

First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(309): View more from Illinois

My garbage can has nothing in it besides condoms and candy wrappers. That's good garbage.

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(315): View more from New York

While we were driving she just screams from the backseat: MUMFORD AND SONS DROP THE BANJO and made what were meant to be banjo sound effects

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(719): View more from Colorado

I also just told a guy I was available for counseling in case he needed to 'bang' things out. I've become a monster.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I would rather burn my vagina off with a damn flame thrower before I would touch anything that has touched her skank ass.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just ignore his excessive use of exclamation points and be happy this one is of age.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

You fucker.

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(913): View more from Kansas

driving home I had the GPS in one hand and puking in the coffee cup

(868): View more from Trinidad and Tobago-Carib

So no more sangria road trips?

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(315): View more from New York

We won't have time to talk.. I'll be rolling you a blunt and you'll be getting naked.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It's a never ending cycle of men I've fucked knowing other men I've fucked. I need a new town.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just thought you should know the man you CHOSE to father your children has once again fallen asleep on the toilet. thanks mom

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.

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(214): View more from Texas

Why did 20 jello shots in a row sound like a good idea last night?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(607): View more from New York

he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Well my dad thinks I wake up at 3 or 4 am every day. Really it is just all the booty calls, but I'm glad he thinks I am so motivated

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(214): View more from Texas

Her name means "flower that enlarges and gives birth." There is no way she isn't getting knocked up

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I had pants on, you wouldn't be getting this text message

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(627): View more from California

The cop let me finish my J before he cuffed me. Coolest arresting officer ever.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just found out that guy A from the threesome I had is now dating guy B's younger sister

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

How was my weekend? I just blew my nose and a gram of coke fell out. My weekend was fantastic.

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(407): View more from Florida

We hotboxed his closet and accidentally lit some of his shirts on fire... do we have a fire extinguisher?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

whoa! who said he's my boyfriend?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Oops. Sorry. That guy you keep accidentally running into in public. And at home. And with your vagina.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You got her pregnant one week before your vasectomy? You couldn't wait one week to cheat on me?

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(760): View more from California

Nothing brings people closer than bonding over tequila shots and running from campus security.

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(512): View more from Texas

You gotta pick a side. My suggestion: side with tits.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just power smoked 3 bongs, ate hot cocoa mix before making hot cocoa, and realized James Spader's character on The Office reminds me of your mom.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(314): View more from Missouri

he pointed at my clit and asked with a confused face, 'whats this thingy??"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(315): View more from New York

Like, he's a nice guy. But he's better at fingering than he is at speaking.

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

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(513): View more from Ohio

She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'

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(616): View more from Michigan

I still don't understand how I went from crying to blowing you in like two minutes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(254): View more from Texas

Smoked all day yesterday and even more today. Just survived high dinner with mom and sister. Thought I might eat the whole table

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(720): View more from Colorado

I mean, I gave him a hand job on the Pearl Harbor tour bus; I don't know what the fuck else he wants out of this "relationship"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(616): View more from Michigan

Shit, my parents are coming over and I just realized that a grinder is not an acceptable paperweight

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(248): View more from Michigan

My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

My halloween constume SCREAMS "Hey i just got done with a shitty relationship and I'm DTF"

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(253): View more from Washington

He has a lot of emotional energy invested in your vagina.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just to an Octoberfest and a sex party. Nothing wild.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

And now for everyone's least favorite sport... Drunk babysitting.

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(317): View more from Indiana

When you wake up, just ignore the mess in the bathroom. I'll take her home when I'm off work.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I generally just try to vote by which candidate I think has the bigger dick. Sorry Romney.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(816): View more from Missouri

why does my status of facebook already read REHAB 2011

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Why would vodka do this to me? I've always been loyal

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Dude. 21 days till I'm 21. It's the 21 day countdown. The 25 days of Christmas can suck my dick.

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(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I learned so much about myself in that shower.

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(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

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(805): View more from California

You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal is to go an entire semester without cocaine. That's an adult goal right?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Wait, whatever happened to locking our vaginas in closets?

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm at the hospital waiting for my sister to push out her kid. I think I'll roam the halls and shame all the teenage mothers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You tried to fight everyone, so we kept having her take her shirt off. You were sufficiently distracted...

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(650): View more from California

Drinking vodka straight from my water bottle because of the debate. I just need to forget.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Romney sounds like a middle school girl and that creepy ass smile makes me want to close my blinds

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(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

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(217): View more from Illinois

The cop told us he we helped him pass his monthly bong quota. He almost ran out of room on the hood of his car..

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(416): View more from Toronto

I HAVEN'T FUCKED ANYONE IN FOREVER AND A HALF I DON'T DESERVE TO BE A TRASHY BLONDE

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I think it's safe to say I'm rolling my hypothetical balls off

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(207): View more from Maine

cocks speak louder than words, as they say

(914): View more from New York

Nobody says that.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well we didn't hook up. Maybe from his girlfriend's point of view, but not mine.

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(940): View more from Texas

I can taunt you with whatever I want. Like batman and sex.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(415): View more from California

We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Afraid I'm about to get arrested. Complicated situation but not a joke. If I do not text again that all is clear within 90 minutes kindly begin bail process. I have the cash to repay as soon as I get home. Details later.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

It just hurt to pee because he was fingering for fucking gold in there.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i'm sitting in the pool eating chicken pot pie with my little brother's friend. moments like these are the reason i love weed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's German, so by default he gets to fuck me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You have found the Promised Land of friend zones

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You have no idea what this goes for my ego. I literally made you cum in your sleep.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

And by "schedule" I meant crumbled up liquor store receipt, that I wrote shit on.

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(818): View more from California

Okay so my USC tutor just offered to eat me out. I think I'm definitely applying to USC.

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(415): View more from California

My mom was looking at curtains for me and sent pictures and I had to be like "not the Disney princess pink and purple, more like an acid trip"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Just once I'd like to do blow in a nice bathroom.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Listening to Ke$ha's new single to pump myself up for my STD test.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

he told me he could still feel the blowjob i gave him last year

(604): View more from British Columbia

wow. THAT good huh

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Tiny.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I mean tony. It's like autocorrect knows he wasn't well endowed.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Okay I can't even be mad, I'm in mid-plot to hook up with Michael Phelp's third cousin.

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(352): View more from Florida

Things I want for my birthday 1. a Chipotle grade tortilla steamer 2. a new liver

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(347): View more from New York

I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I feel like I shouldn't have to explain to you why giving your cat weed was a bad idea.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he looks SO much like Drake, I feel like an extreme groupie every time we have sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

He is the blood diamond of hook ups. You think you want it...but you don't

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(317): View more from Indiana

I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....

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(816): View more from Missouri

Well, you know sobriety isn't something I like to do on the reg.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

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(419): View more from Ohio

don't get you morals all over my torrid fantasties

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Bacon Cheddar rum burgers are as great as they sound. I knew that 100 proof Captain would be good for something other than vomit.

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(352): View more from Florida

Oh no, we smoked the revival weed. It came in a Batman bag. It hit like justice. And orphans.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Omg do you remember last night you kept pointing to your vag asking who wants to play this like a fiddle hahaha

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(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

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(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

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(812): View more from Indiana

I need to pack up my vagina and leave. We only do bad things together.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, he's legal now. You could not pry me from his dick with the jaws of life.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My favorite bartender added me on Facebook. Now he can clearly see how under 21 I am

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(615): View more from Tennessee

We got caught having sex in the bathroom by my professor. In accordance with tradition, we still brofisted. I think my grade went up considerably.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This body was not built to go to the gym. It was built to chain smoke cigarettes and shoot whiskey

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(917): View more from New York City

The cops raided her house the day before class even started

(1-917): View more from New York City

Those assholes are becoming so efficient

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(785): View more from Kansas

And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What time do you think you'll be heterosexual?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Thanks for letting me use your ID, there's $120 along with your ID in the mail to cover the Urinating in public fine I got last night....sorry

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She was mad I came so fast. I was like, It's the Olympics! Fastest time wins! We can train you in the offseason.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude this night sums up my single life. naked, crying, and covered in honey. i need to get laid.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I've got a permanent seat at the "Girls who eat their feelings" table this weekend.

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(516): View more from New York

Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just feel like you're using me for sex.

(383): View more from

I'm glad you finally understand the context of our relationship

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

i would really love it if at least once per weekend i did not wake up to you half naked passed out on the floor

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(408): View more from California

My text message history should be ashamed of itself right now.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(317): View more from Indiana

Seriously. My exes act like they own shares of my vagina.

(614): View more from Ohio

Well, in their defense, they have invested a lot of time and money

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My favorite part was when he stopped, looked up in the middle of performing oral sex and asked, "you did know it was Arbor Day, right?"

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(206): View more from Washington

he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".

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(406): View more from Montana

I sat down next to him and my bra just unhooked itself

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(904): View more from Florida

That chick went from zero to shitshow in only 6 shots.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

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(760): View more from California

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i figure if i show enough tits, no one will notice my eyebrows.

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(714): View more from California

The best part of that night wasn't even the sex, it was listening to her explain to her boyfriend why she was naked in her room while I hid in her closet.

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(631): View more from New York

I think I'm interested in anyone that recognizes I actually have a pulse

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(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want him to get the hint. I sent 4 texts that only said "sex."

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(631): View more from New York

Girl just texted me a pic of her boobs with the caption "don't think I'm a whore"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a man being put through a dui test on the side of the road... it was noon and he was on a bicycle. God bless texas.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have received so many congratulations texts this morning. sleeping with him really was a good decision.

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(281): View more from Texas

How do you jack off and text at the same time?

(1-281): View more from Texas

On my iPhone they have an app for that

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i accidentally sent all my draft messages..how do i do damage control for the multiple "fuck me now" type msgs sent at ten am?

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm going out with a guy whose nickname is Shark Week cause he'll eat anyone. I'm very excited.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Balls are being tripped. Said meow to my cat and he said yeah cool dude.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Drunk. But sober enough to know I hate gymnastics.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I looked the guy across the room straight in the eyes and said, "If you were any closer to me, we'd be making out right now."

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(206): View more from Washington

I LEAVE YOU TWO ALONE FOR 45 MINUTES AND ALL MY WHIPPED CREAM AND CONDOMS ARE GONE

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(206): View more from Washington

I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

it's 10:36pm. Do you know where your penis should be?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Stop giving guys blow jobs because you're no good and it's messing up my sex life. Word gets around & then they think it's me and don't believe me when I say I have a twin. Learn to stuck dick right.

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(415): View more from California

I've got mace and a condom. Ready to roll either way and keeping my pimp hand strong.

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(904): View more from Florida

Not drinking has really freed up a lot of my time. I made a bracelet yesterday. I miss bars.

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(352): View more from Florida

All I could think when I saw it was, "All right, Vagina, only one of us is getting out of this alive."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i know you're at the dentist, but this dick pic was too phenominal to wait and i deserve immediate tit compensation

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(970): View more from Colorado

I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Sunday is the day of rest.

(857): View more from Massachusetts

As in, whatever liquor is left after last night, you have to drink the rest.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's 50 people in our house, none of them are wearing shirts. The keg has been relocated twice and our bathroom door is missing again...when will we ever learn?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(214): View more from Texas

That sucks. I just talked to a telemarketer for 15 minutes about CSI: Miami and weed.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I don't even care that his girlfriend will be there. Us hooking up is a tradition and she will NOT ruin it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You're really doing everyone a disservice by wearing pants all the time.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(502): View more from Kentucky

So there's 10 guys in this picture..I've made out with 5 of them. does this make me a slut?

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

eh 50% isn't bad..i'd say 80% is slut material.

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(785): View more from Kansas

She texted me shhh....im drunk, secret booty call...how could i say no?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey they cleaned all the blood out of the elevator. Also could you pick up some nachos?

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(334): View more from Alabama

Dude if it is possible to orgasm from shitting i think it just happened.

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(281): View more from Texas

It's one of the reasons i'm here, along with emotional support, physical support if you need it, and power orgasms.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he ate me out on his front porch at dawn. i orgasmed when the sun began to rise. most romantic morning booty call ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You need to let him know my only agenda is coke and sadness.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.

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(716): View more from New York

She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't think he understands the importance of corndogs. Or condoms for that matter.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tonights dinner consisted of washing down my plan b pill with a bottle of wine and toast. College is turning my life around

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she asked me if i can do her a favor, came over, and gave me head then left. i still dont understand how that was a favor for her.

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(807): View more from Ontario

id say I'm a pretty good fuck buddy, i didn't even booty call him on his girlfriends birthday

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(607): View more from New York

Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Seriously, I want to give you a plaque thanking you for your dedicated service to my vagina.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Unintentionally made him cum in his own mouth, and he just sat there screaming..

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(504): View more from Louisiana

my head gets it he sucks but my LAME FUCKING HEART IN MY VAGINA doesnt

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(360): View more from Washington

It's really awkward/depressing when you are wearing heels larger than his dick

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(260): View more from Indiana

Does he know anything about your personal life besides what you look like without clothes on?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Honestly the war on drugs is dumb and you can just sleep in my bed which is mega comfortable anytime you want. There I said it

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a field sobriety test being administered at 730 am, I now know I do not have a drinking problem

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I need a Xanax. A Veggie Delight. And exhibition style sex.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(916): View more from California

Yep. How's your hangover?

(1-916): View more from California

It's like I fucked its sister and it's getting back at me.

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(850): View more from Florida

Also I had a dream we made my birth control into a joint. What does that mean?

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(509): View more from Washington

no you're not allowed back

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

come on. everbeers was a great idea. you fucks had a great night

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(231): View more from Michigan

I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

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(704): View more from North Carolina

This is so pathetic it makes me miss snorting lines alone in my room listening to 'one more drink'.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I dig being used for consequence free sex. Not consequenceful sex.

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(305): View more from Florida

So I feel really bad about last night...can i give you a blow job and we call it even?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are the sheppard guiding my vagina away from horrible decisions.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(775): View more from Nevada

True but, who really needs money in europe? Just barter with sexual favors. A bowl of cereal is worth a blowjob.

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(618): View more from Illinois

It wasn't a wasted relationship. I got road-head in an Escalade. I still keep that with me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't understand how she could dump me AFTER we had shower sex. I'm fucking great at shower sex

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I need to get a restraining order against him but I'd probably be the one to break it.

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(347): View more from New York

we shared soup. that is literally the extent of my romantic life right now

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(805): View more from California

I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(925): View more from California

We can't have sex anymore. The amount of money I've spent on meds and copays for UTIs is getting ridiculous

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(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

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(716): View more from New York

I've already agreed to hook up with 3 people tonight, and its not even 2:00 yet... I think this is what the path to success looks like.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just remember my house smells of thick cut bacon and I have a big dick.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ok, I have three hours. I'm trying to work out two blow jobs and a taco.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(365): View more from

James this is colleen. This is my new number. You just texted my grandma about getting cockblocked. Congratulations.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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(831): View more from California

I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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(917): View more from New York City

i have a new found respect for you. the amount of people you must have cockblocked last night is amazing

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(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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(909): View more from California

I invited you and you fucked me in the face with the penis of disappointment and shit.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(716): View more from New York

he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I never got back to you, I ended up at a party with pot ice cream, pot apple cider, and hash vegetable oil.

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(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

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(315): View more from New York

its family weekend so i'm givin my little bro a tour of everywhere ive thrown up on campus

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(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think a 5 ft pyramid of jello shots in honor of the egyptians is in order

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.

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(561): View more from Florida

I will miss his soup and his dick the most

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(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude. I have so much pot that i only worry about running out of lighters

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(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No, listening to the fray and drinking a bottle of jack daniels does not count as counseling

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(+61): View more from Australia

He is so amazingly handsome. I just wanna fuck every shred of decency out of him.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(706): View more from Georgia

The less fucks you give, the more fucks you get. Kinda like "a penny saved is a penny earned" but with vagina.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Doing tequila shots with my ex to celebrate that we broke up... not awkward at all.

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(562): View more from California

My radar detector detects ice cream trucks. I think it was made for stoners

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

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(214): View more from Texas

Trust me. My penis has made more than enough decisions this weekend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

It's like a teen mom casting at the Obgyn's office. I feel great about my positive life decisions.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

No. I just want to cuddle and talk about our feeling. Of course this a booty call.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't care if you go out, because at the end of the night I know i'll be the one fucking you.

(1-214): View more from Texas

that was completely unnecessary, true, but unnecessary

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I get so lonely sometimes I set my phone's alarm to go off every 5 minutes or so and imagine people are texting me.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

captain cockblock got me again last night so i put a squirrel in his room and jamed the door shut

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas

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(513): View more from Ohio

This is your morning news. Today at 5 pm I will be going out of town until the 29th. If you would like some great sex before I leave, please contact me. The available packages are: a house call, an outdoor excursion, or a delivery style in-car quickie. available only while supplies last.

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

let's just say if he has a penis and he hypothetically needs to put it somewhere... i would take care of that for him.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I am just going to stick my boobs out and hope for the best

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(970): View more from Colorado

Quick question: how do I take a nice picture of my ass? I'm asking you because I figure with an ass like yours you're probably experienced.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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