Texts From Last Night · halla512's Favorites

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halla512's Favorites Texts:

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(469): View more from Texas

Our motto for the night: BLACK OUT OR BACK OUT.

(214): View more from Texas

That's our motto every night.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I just did a booty-call caliber shave job in preparation for this weekend. Fuck being ladylike; I'm tryna get LAID-ylike

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(352): View more from Florida

He's easy on the eyes, light on his feet, and rough in bed...what more could a girl ask for in a rebound?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Lock the bathroom door next time you are going to masterbate with the shower head, okay?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

I was just power-washing my vagina.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Do you think there are two dudes living in an apartment somewhere that go to the store and call it Brocery shopping?

(727): View more from Florida

Oh god...probably.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Is it inappropriate to be Drs. Willy Fister and Jess Hewill as a couples costume for Halloween?

(334): View more from Alabama

Oh we're gynecologists

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(585): View more from New York

You get home okay?

(1-585): View more from New York

I'm pantless and in bed

(585): View more from New York

That doesn't mean you're at home.

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(858): View more from California

But I REALLY want to hide my crazy for as long as possible with him so he'll date me.

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(212): View more from New York

Hey guys guess what I found in my bed this morning? I wish it was a man..but it was a potato

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(406): View more from Montana

I have seriously seen way too may DIY cut off jean booty shorts and half shirts on fat girls this summer. Fuck you Pinterest.

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(325): View more from Texas

But how do I turn off the feelings though?

(432): View more from Texas

Vodka.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope I went the fuck home like an adult

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(206): View more from Washington

She's going to hate me

(425): View more from Washington

Yeah well one of her many personalities always hates you.

(425): View more from Washington

The rest will just start to agree

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have the WORST cramps EVER. I think this is gods way of saying 'you're welcome, last warning. stop being a slut.'

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(716): View more from New York

Remember the bouncer that knocked out Dave and Sam? Apparently his day job is a florist. Uppercut and fresh cut in one package.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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(407): View more from Florida

Sweet and genuine is kinda lame. I'm more of a bust all over your face and hair kinda guy.

(1-407): View more from Florida

Uhm the hair is off limits bro, conditioner can only go so far.

(407): View more from Florida

Bro? You just made it a target.

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(516): View more from New York

So heartbroken my rebound has a rebound

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(925): View more from California

A nap. You broke your hand napping in Vegas.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(775): View more from Nevada

This guy is clearly nuts his idea of a hangover cure is a six pack poured into a camelpack then hiking 3 miles with a weighted vest. He said "learned it in the army i guess drink beer beat the heat"

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(440): View more from Ohio

you texted him "it's time for the no pants dance", please get your tubes tied.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She pulled up to the bar in a limo, wasted, and alone. Gets out, shrugs and slurs "I couldn't find a cab" and proceeds to take a shot.

(630): View more from Illinois

I'm in love.

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(512): View more from Texas

Nearly got hit by a blue bell ice cream truck. Can I count on you to make plenty of puns like "her life was sweet, and so was her death" at my funeral if that was to happen?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i want to pour hot gravy all over you in bed

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I didn't punch him it was just love coming out of my fist

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(609): View more from New Jersey

When you were bringing him upstairs I told him to bring you on down to pound town. you're welcome.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Bless her heart. Her stupid, drunk, adderall-ed heart.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

why can't I meet attractive men at the places I like to hang out? like books a million. or the liquor store.

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(904): View more from Florida

Some lady just walked up to me in the bar and proclaimed that I looked like a "shady motherfucker." Can't argue with that one.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(312): View more from Illinois

If by "Are you drunk?" you mean "Did you just faceplant in the checkout line at Target?" the answer is yes.

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(613): View more from Ontario

All i hear is "BITCH BETTER HAVE MY HONEY" and i turn around and there is a dude in a bear costume. It was fur real.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Strange request but for my birthday you should get me one of those vibrators that you can plug into your iPod that go along with the music.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like making it seem like it's at least a little bit difficult to hook up with me

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(424): View more from California

The cop asked you after the breathalyzer what you think you blew and you very discreetly shouted "I'm pretty sure i blew Kyle on the way here "

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(334): View more from Alabama

FYI, announcing your arrival at jail with "Hi,yes, I'm checking in? I believe I've reserved a bed, a 2 night stay this weekend?" is, in fact, frowned upon

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In your drunken glory you promised me, tongue, 12 naked pics, and 1,800 breakfasts.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs more friends. Or a second therapist.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just saw a guy snowshoeing to the liqour store

(203): View more from Connecticut

was it you?

(802): View more from Vermont

...yes

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(562): View more from California

There was a time I was reining queen of Sunday funday... And at that same time I also weighed 20 pounds more, had the morale of a spearmint rhino stripper, and woke up most mornings asking more questions than fucking Barbara Walters. I think I just wrote my own epitaph.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She needs sedatives and a leash

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(903): View more from Texas

Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(323): View more from California

Put some vodka in it

(424): View more from California

Its 7am

(323): View more from California

put some vodka in it

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(309): View more from Illinois

Um, would you be up for dick jousting? Stefanie is willing to pay 40 bucks.

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(219): View more from Indiana

My kids are NEVER playing in the park more than 2 feet away from me until they are capable of punching an eagle.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey dude this is some next level no homo shit but im gonna get 2 tickets to the opera and go Hail Mary on this one girl. U take the extra ticket if i fail.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Sometimes I think I'm witty and funny, and then I realize it 3pm and I'm drunk

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(701): View more from North Dakota

It was less of a bar, and more of an abandoned basement that some people sell booze in.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I like how my motivation to lose weight is so I can wear a nude bikini and get covered in body paint for the tribal party. Priorities.

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(386): View more from Florida

I messaged him asking for his address. He replied with the address then said, "If you're gonna stalk me, I'm the third window on the side and usually get naked around 8am and anytime randomly after 6pm (listen for music).. If you're sending anthrax, I'm 6'2" 225lbs so send a good amount."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i came so hard i kicked through my windshield

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Everything is just really out of control. I hear puking from three different parts of the house. Roger has black eye from being punched. Kaiser tried shaving his head, but somehow burned himself. Music is bumping, but everyone is either puking and calling out for help or blacked the fuck out.

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(707): View more from California

Though my hair looks fantastic i will unfortunately have to turn down your 4am sex offer

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(303): View more from Colorado

You understand the drunkenness of my drunkenness

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm all for hockey players but dude, he asked me to lick his chipped tooth mid-hook up.

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(530): View more from California

When I tried to give you a hickey, you karate chopped me in the neck.

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(515): View more from Iowa

My high school reunion is Thursday so I need to find an outfit that says "Haha, you got fat and I got tits. Suck it, bitches."

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(317): View more from Indiana

I think all the stress in my life right now can be directly correlated with never winning a game of Bop It as a child.

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(845): View more from New York

The drunk fake out is her specialty. She'll agree to come with us and two seconds later we check to make sure she's still there and we see her booking it down the hall in the opposite direction.

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(210): View more from Texas

Yea. Some girl set a laundry machine on fire. She's not getting married.

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(760): View more from California

Oh btw I learned how to say "my penis is a flamethrower" in German. Tonights gonna be fun

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(319): View more from Iowa

...I can smell the alcohol on your breath through that text

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(303): View more from Colorado

We can just chill or day drink or smoke or watch law and order marathon or play just dance 4 or watch a movie or go to the movies or play hide and seek or hug, so many options

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(512): View more from Texas

I was on my way last night when some asshole yelled "make better life choices" out the window of his car. I felt so self conscious I went home.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm still in my ugly sweater and underwear drinking coffee next to a plate of assorted treats we stole from the party. I got a new sweater by the way, its shoulderpad-y and looks like a news anchor got thrown up on by Liberace. I'm pretty proud.

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(936): View more from Texas

If I die, I leave all my liquor in my apartment to you. Be a drunk bitch at my funeral. I wouldn't want it any other way.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I kind of want to throw a lot of things at him. Mostly blunt, heavy objects.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I've succeeded in doing since I saw you is drool on my shoulder

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(908): View more from New Jersey

....I feel like you are deciding whether or not I'm good enough for you based on what I ordered from Chipotle.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided he is effectively a mouth, hands and cock held together by bad ideas and compliments, and I'm OK with that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes on the ground doing bicycle kicks screaming "is my ass good enough for you now satan" send help

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

At my eighteen year old cousin's wedding. Getting hit on by a 9 year old. No one knows who he came with. I'm pretty sure he just showed up from the field behind the church. Help.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

that's how you measure success

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

By how bad my vagina hurts on a Tuesday morning while I'm trying to figure out how I got white girl wasted on a Monday?

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Why are you surprised? I've only ever liked older guys since I was a 3 yr old crushing on her pediatrician.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(850): View more from Florida

I joined a mariachi band. they gave me a guitar because i told them i could play. It actually turned out ok

(850): View more from Florida

They kicked me out of the mariachi band. Turns out I'm not that good

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(813): View more from Florida

Unless your apartment has 3 am pancakes Im not coming over.

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(772): View more from Florida

She was bending and I said "finally, about time". Wrong, she was tying her shoe. No blowjobs for me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last thing I ever expected to say, "Get your finger out of my ear or I will stop sucking your dick."

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

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(607): View more from New York

I am significantly less than sober now. Gonna make like, ten hotdogs.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am making dinner in lingerie and heels and there is a 75% chance his roommate is going to walk in on this.

(502): View more from Kentucky

Yup. There he is. This conversation is awkward.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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(805): View more from California

I dont think I should be allowed to pick my own boyfriends anymore

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(845): View more from New York

Almost bit the guy's hand who sits in front of me because he was stretching. That. Bored.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I am alternating between eating dry cheerios and mint chocolate chip ice cream with a fork. Please love me because no one else will

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She actually was beyond drunk but she for some reason kept calling herself a demigod and made me drive her to a bookstore

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Okay. So my choices are the sleeping Guy who looks about twelve and a man that looks like he was the original sandman. Im gonna need a beer for this......

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

The only thing he had going for him was mad fingering skills. the ONLY thing. crayons have a wider circumference.

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is why Helen Keller didn't drink

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

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(514): View more from Quebec

I tried to high-five the cop last night. he just looked at my raised hand and told me to go to bed.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he gifted me a vibrator as he was breaking up with me. you tell me how my night went

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(831): View more from California

You should photoshop their heads on tigers first!!

(408): View more from California

For my parents' annivery card? How high are you?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It took him three days to realize his roommate had moved out.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just haven't been myself lately. I slept with a guy 21 years older than me and I've been wearing my hair in a center part.

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(352): View more from Florida

As i was laying there shouting that he dislocated my hip he actually reached his armed around and patted himself on the back

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(512): View more from Texas

Convincing a cop that you have diplomatic immunity is way harder in Dallas than in Serbia. And you get fined for attempted bribery.

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(682): View more from Texas

She dresses cool and she's mean. And she has fake boobs I feel like I can relate to her on so many levels.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'll always be here to give you immoral support.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

well i just got discharged from the hospital after getting pegged in the head by a t-shirt gun so thats how my night was.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just told him he had gained a new brother. He immediately knew I meant the eskimo kind.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(636): View more from Missouri

Is it sad that I have better conversations with his roommate before or after sex than I do with him in general?

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He just told me what he wants for his birthday. "a noise complaint" he also said he wants to be the cause of all the noise but he won't be the one making the noise.

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(406): View more from Montana

There is a dude in a thong with a Nerf axe having battles in the street. Welcome to Portland

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i want us to warm up up with us making out while i lay you down touching and feeling all the spots you know are going to get you warmed up. im gonna move down your body kissing every inch as i move down past your panty line ;)

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

Did you watch the carolina game tonight?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Babies are disgusting. I held one once. Then I washed my hands and rinsed my mouth out with wine.

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(815): View more from Illinois

if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.

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(970): View more from Colorado

He needs to seriously stop texting me at 3am for sex. Late night and early morning hours are for the guys who DON'T bust a nut in the first 5 minutes of making out.

(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah minute men are best for late afternoons when you're inbetween running errands and have nothing to do.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So last night I taught an old homeless dude to respond to "Blue" so I could shout your my boy Blue at the party

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(310): View more from California

I want to get business cards and hand them to hot guys and say " hey if you ever want to like makeout and pretend it never happened call me"

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(408): View more from California

Too bad they don't have an emoji symbol for condoms and 99 cent tacos

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just want you to know that I'm, like, 45% hard right now.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Watching the dude who probably knocked me up be all cute with his girlfriend on my couch. I am too nice, and I hate today.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I saw a crackhead in a ballerina outfit riding a bike while waving her hands and one leg in the air. Never seen such talent in my life

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(540): View more from Virginia

BGSU move in weekend. Just passed a house w a beer pong table set up, ppl already playing, girls holding signs that say "son drop off". It's 10:30 am.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Seriously how many times do I have to sleep with him before he stops calling me dude

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(757): View more from Virginia

Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Vodka?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Forever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So take that alcohol. I still win. I ALWAYS WIN. Plus i didn't have to wear clothes. DOUBLE WIN.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

SEXX, SEXX, SEXX,SEXX,SEX SEX SEXXXXXXX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEXSEX SEXSEXSEXSEXSEX.\nimagine that to the can can song. also come to my house. theres a dance routine.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Youre the drunk baby that everyone wants to take care of.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His car is rigged up like the cash cab how am i supposed to not sleep with him

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

We finally have the house to ourselves and your out playing Lance Fucking Armstrong

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(778): View more from British Columbia

the most romantic thing he could do for me right now would be to throw himself into traffic

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(253): View more from Washington

Think of it this way, instead of a puppy, we're getting a baby.

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(907): View more from Alaska

his face was nice enough, but his choice of footwear screamed columbian drug lord

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(805): View more from California

I was busy. But now I'm about to consume alcohol and chicken. We shall see where this takes us. Maybe to the moon, maybe to the floor. I have no idea.

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(360): View more from Washington

WAIT DID YOU MAIL ME A KITTEN

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(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

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(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(708): View more from Illinois

They are fixing my bike for free, trying to smoke me out, and their kids keep hugging me.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

She roared AMY HORNEY and hulk hoganed her shirt off. Fuckin marriage time bro

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(417): View more from Missouri

She lost her glasses and we found them on the roof. Don't ask questions. Kings cup was intense last night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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(616): View more from Michigan

My new best friend is the drag queen who works at mcdonalds and doesnt judge me during my walk of shame coffee break

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(317): View more from Indiana

I gave the naked guy in the hotel a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm going to superglue stuart's hands into socker boppers

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm gonna hire strippers dressed like the founding fathers.

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(773): View more from Illinois

What the fuck could you be doing in that room to make her yell "Beginners Luck!" over and over again?

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(765): View more from Indiana

So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

And an everlasting friendship

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(970): View more from Colorado

I say we start a new tradition. I came up with it all by myself. It's called work out, lay out, black out

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm still drunk. it's summer. I just need a hot dog and an aspirin.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Note to self: don't tell your girlfriends dad you can have his daughter in bed by ten and home by midnight. He doesnt find it funny

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

some bitch filled my sink with salsa.

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's kind of like, standing in a garage and pretending you're a car. Except you're naked.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I met this girl the other day and found out her boyfriend is a helicopter pilot. How the fuck do you compete with that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

The only thing I remember is doing a toddlers and tiaras dance routine onstage. I fucking CURTSIED.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

OMG stop. Pretty feet? Sparkle baby!

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away

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(631): View more from New York

Stayed out til 7 am.... Did u know there's a guy who goes up and down the quad at that hour playing bagpipes?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

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(619): View more from California

He called it restless penis syndrome. I call it cheating.

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(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(801): View more from Utah

When you passed out on the kitchen counter she brushed and flossed your teeth, then carried/dragged you to bed. Why aren't you married?

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(714): View more from California

Well at one point he got ahold of my archery gear.. And I. Shit. You. Not. Sarah took an arrow to the knee.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He showed up in booty shorts and no shirt and said dont laugh dont ask questions and give me a fucking final and no one in class said anything we just sat there speehless

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Hate to say it and even though I definitely have a biased opinion but I'm surprised your not, sleeping with anyone else. Good personality, charisma and amazing in the sack.

(778): View more from British Columbia

Feel free to use me as a reference.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(614): View more from Ohio

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm still drunk and I think you were in my dream (sadly, it was not a sexual bill murray one).

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(845): View more from New York

That's okay, during storytime I would have to sit on my hands so I wouldn't touch everyone. Explains a lot...

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Nothing quite like pre-gaming the Kentucky Derby with adderall and adderall. I'm fairly confident I could outrun all of these fucking horses in a foot race right now.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(850): View more from Florida

Tid bit for you to add to your "what to expecting when you're expecting to lose your virginity" book... Sex on nyquil is cheaper and BETTER than sex on esctacy AND you sleep like a champ after so you're not able to think about any bad decisions made.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm glad I booty called you last night. It was nice to see you and talk, in between all the sex...

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(530): View more from California

So pretty much, I was trying to piece last night together and remembered a point where I was pointing to you heart then touching your face. I'm not sure that I ever translated that to "I like your personality better than your looks" but that's what I meant

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Annnnddddd this chick is using a hand puppet made of a sock to give her research presentation...

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I was watching truelife I'm transgendered. This tranny already got a date a week after getting a vagina. I've had a vagina my entire life and can't get a date.

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(740): View more from Ohio

becoming an adult blows. i don't think its possible for me to wake up for anything that doesn't involve kegs and eggs or half naked bums passed out in our yard.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Oh by the way, john gave me your shirt to return to you when I was at work today. I almost gave him his girlfriends underwear to return to her but figured it would be inappropriate.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I pulled an all nighter. So hoped up on coffee and aderall. Pretty sure you could take my pulse through a snow jacket...

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(972): View more from Texas

I mean you can't really blame him. He's named after whiskey and I don't get along with pants.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you're avoiding the subject, i want to know how you ended up at the strip club with the dog, fucker

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(914): View more from New York

After he finished I threw up my arms and shouted STEVE HOLT!

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(740): View more from Ohio

My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(503): View more from Oregon

do you remember waking up from your blackout, kissing me ever so softly on the stomach, and saying "i love you bro. so much," then passing back out?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(776): View more from

My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I masterbate to the thought of you. You totally aren't just a booty call.

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(805): View more from California

Well I could just do a roadtrip and hit them all. Slut tour 2012.

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(517): View more from Michigan

all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

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(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(760): View more from California

I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(619): View more from California

Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(862): View more from New Jersey

woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(573): View more from Missouri

i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm reducing my diet to vodka and rice cakes.

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(646): View more from New York

How was the rest of your night?

(917): View more from New York City

A little fuzzy and a lot naked.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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(716): View more from New York

I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(469): View more from Texas

You have to keep an eye on her tonight cause you know how she likes to pickpocket people when she's drunk.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yeah you insisted everyone watch Space Jam at 2 in the morning then you cried the whole way through it. You were the very worst kind of drunk.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Thanks for your number, i want to ski with you, do party with you and sleep with you. Lucas.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Second wind. Either that or my heart is about to explode. I'm hoping the first one.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She's the second Ashley to meet and blow me in the same night. Sensing a trend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth feels like I've been chewing on leather and firecrackers for the past 3 days

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(425): View more from Washington

One step ahead. Always. Roses are red, violets are blue... I'm gonna fuck you with a rake.

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(209): View more from California

I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Tell your friends I said hi and that if they touch your penis I'll cut off their hands.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

1. Are there men involved 2. Is there food involved 3. Do I have to put pants on 4. Do I have to leave this bed

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

all we need is a shotglass and a helicopter.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Contents of my pockets this morning: phone, condom, one hoop earring, half a cheeseburger, lighter and a $87 receipt from tacobell. Time for work.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Life gets in the way of sexy Saturday sometimes

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'd love to sympathize with you but I'm drunk in a mansion

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He booked his flight from Dallas already, no ticket to the game, said hes gonna bang some girl at tailgait to get a ticket, I had to explain that it will be sub 20 degrees F during tailgate, he decided to come in july instead, Texans are dumb.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

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(847): View more from Illinois

This is one of those moments when you do what I say or I come stalk you down like a gazelle.

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(850): View more from Florida

My living room is scattered with glow sticks wrappers, sparklers, face paint & beer cans?

(1-850): View more from Florida

It's not as cool looking when the drugs wear off, is it?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I wore water proof eyeliner just incase the first picture of me of 2012 is a mugshot

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(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Last night Brynn convinced every person at the party wearing glasses that they stole hers, and she woke up with 8 pairs of prescription glasses in her bag.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

took adderall before wrapping presents, ended up making paper snowflakes for two hours

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Pretty sure I just convinced a drunk guy at the train station that I was from the future

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(404): View more from Georgia

The TA leading my study session just said "now get outta here. I need to get drunk before class"

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just saw a girl walking up the hill with a little red wagon full of booze... I want to be in her study group.

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(214): View more from Texas

Why is Kyle using one of my nieces as a blunt object to provoke and attack my other niece?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i hate this class. from the way they're all staring you would think they've never seen a girl in basketball shorts, heels and sunglasses.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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(971): View more from Oregon

he's hot he just has too much baggage, and has really fucking skinny ankles which freaks me out

(916): View more from California

you aren't having sex with his ankles, As long as knee caps and above are good, i'd go for it

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

They wear helmets and mouth pieces when they drink...u down?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

you had me at cake vodka

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(614): View more from Ohio

not sure if I should be concerned that my brother just stormed into my room and looked at me with a serious face and said, "I'm a peacock, you have to let me fly." oh, vicodin...

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(619): View more from California

thanks for being my friend even though im irresponsible with my vagina

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(+45): View more from Denmark

The sex was so good I went temporarily numb. Slightly embarrassing when she pointed out I was kissing my own arm.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(289): View more from Ontario

i just googled "what is oprah really like?" how do YOU think my night is going?

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(315): View more from New York

I just got kidnapped by the rugby team for a scavenger hunt. I'm "the girl you had sex with last night"

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(513): View more from Ohio

he just sent me a picture of his penis sticking through a piece of paper that he had drawn a stick figure with tits on it that said "you"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(301): View more from Maryland

I couldn't tell if he was hitting on me or if he was just mentally challenged.

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(805): View more from California

My cousins just decided to make a catapult to spread my Grandpa's cremated remains. I love my family.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I think he offered to cook me dinner or cook me for dinner. Not really sure. Just smiled and nodded.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking in an igloo changes everything.

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(518): View more from New York

Absolute soulmates or functional alcoholics?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can't be the first without the last

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its a good night to get drunk in my onesie.

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(804): View more from Virginia

by "whatever happens, happens" i meant "we are totally hooking up again on tuesday." i thought that was obvious.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(361): View more from Texas

What are these yellow papers in the kitchen?

(1-361): View more from Texas

These are the tickets we got last night.

(361): View more from Texas

Did i sign this one as Grizzly Bear?

(1-361): View more from Texas

Yes...yes you did.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous

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(650): View more from California

i just saw a homeless guy running after a pigeon, catch it and put it in his jacket pocket. I'm not sure if the bird is now his pet or dinner!

(408): View more from California

Omg. Well, welcome to Oakland...

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he slipped a picture of a kangaroo under my door that said "im sorry" on the back and passed out on my lawn.. who the fuck is this kid?

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(661): View more from California

I miss the time when Mondays weren't the new Thursdays. I can't drink like my 17 year old self anymore.

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(347): View more from New York

When you put it that way it sounds like my vagina is a parking garage to be monitored by security guards

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(646): View more from New York

So much beer in the passenger seat the seatbelt light is blinking

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(253): View more from Washington

Yeah I remember I tried to close her head in the freezer last night

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She said she was jealous that i could wear headbands, then growled at the ground in shame..

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(309): View more from Illinois

it's a little hard to watch the basketball games with my family considering they keep cheering for the guy that i had a one night stand with...

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(248): View more from Michigan

After last night, I could never be a politician.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing

(719): View more from Colorado

The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?

(303): View more from Colorado

Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner

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(909): View more from California

It's hipsters with their motorcycle cop mustaches, moccasins, douchey irony, and department stores to supply their independent conformity

(909): View more from California

Something's gotta give!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My meds have diminished my sex drive, this must be what regular women feel like

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(510): View more from California

Adderal just makes me love life. I want to do so much. I just can't stop thinking about all the wonderful opportunities we have and how lucky we are and I want to make a difference in the world. I just have to reign in my brain and convince it that changing the world starts with a college degree, which depends on studying for these finals.

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(330): View more from Ohio

tell your freshman friends. will trade sexual favors for swipes. ive got dinner tomorrow open and lunch on wed

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You have all of her herpes and none of my sympathy

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

There is a full size piano in the middle of our road. Please tell me you had nothing to do with this.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(305): View more from Florida

Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Its important to me that you know there is a tambourine down my pants.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

saturday- my day is open, my legs are not. you in?

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

well apparently not.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Woke up with my foot jammed into a VCR

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I wish Michael J Fox could read me bedtime stories

(239): View more from Florida

He could rock you to sleep

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(805): View more from California

She's the drunk girl with the air-horn and sunflower seeds.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Every time I try to stand up the back of my head feels like a bunch of little elves are beating the inside of my scalp with their toy making tools. What disease could this be?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

remember when she hit me with her car by accident, well apparently it wasn't an accident.

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(253): View more from Washington

Watching a deaf couple have an argument in the mall. Can't bring myself to look away.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Gin and redbull in a wine glass. They think I'm keeping my wits with a really yellow Chardonnay. Gonna get ugly after a couple.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(619): View more from California

I can feel myself smiling like 10 minutes after I stop smiling, and that's just like... so awesome.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I may or may not have just sent the bartender a pic of me in my slutty cheerleader costume with the caption "rah rah ree, gimme yo d"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Do something fun then. Blow up the house or whatever.

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

How have you survived this long?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Dumb luck and a deal with the devil.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I felt like a body pillow being humped by a twelve year old.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i'm just sitting here watching hocus pocus, eating takeout, and taking self esteem quizzes online while everyone is out partying. you tell me how my night is.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(510): View more from California

Me and Phil are just drawing pictures of thumbs in different costumes during lecture. I love being a senior.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He titled his birthday party on facebook, "BJ's in PJ's- an adult slumber party." I'm the only one invited.

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(540): View more from Virginia

'Twas I. Do you have any idea what it's like waking up to see you sent a text inviting someone to partake in "sexy rumpus?"

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(319): View more from Iowa

Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Um. That's my cat Laura. You put my cat in your mouth, and then you put my cat in your purse.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna be a few minutes late, some asshole just fell off the ferry so we had to stop.

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(510): View more from California

I'm trying to make a sex playlist

(916): View more from California

record yourself crying and put it on a loop.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Anyway, my grandfather thinks you're attractive

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(906): View more from Michigan

didnt we say no more talking to eachother

(906): View more from Michigan

it will help you get over me i promise

(414): View more from Wisconsin

im horny

(906): View more from Michigan

ok i will unlock the door

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(989): View more from Michigan

if your dad confronts the dude you fucked about the background check he did on him, NOT GONNA GET A CALL BACK

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(802): View more from Vermont

Since you didn't call me back last night, I can only assume that in 9 months you're going to have a child that I'm going to refer to as, "Daddy's little mistake in Miami."

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(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm sitting next to this guy at the bar. I wrote him a little song in my head it goes "there is no fucking chance you're getting in my pants" gonna sing it to him after he buys me another drink.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

She told me at midnight she would blow me harder than a new years party kazoo

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(727): View more from Florida

don't judge, it's breakfast wine Wednesday.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Where are you, who is in my bed, why is he wearing a spandex onesie as underwear, how did i get teethmarks on my forehead, what are we doing tonight?

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(773): View more from Illinois

No, the real question is if you drink like I drink why WOULDN'T you wear a cape.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(214): View more from Texas

We're like two naked peas in a sex pod.

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(678): View more from Georgia

ever have one of those nights where you feel like you should leave the house with your insurance card? that is tonight, my friend.

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(361): View more from Texas

yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.

(361): View more from Texas

I just can't bring boyfriends home.

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(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(714): View more from California

his text ended with ... everyone knows dot dot dot equals infer sexy time

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(406): View more from Montana

Everytime the frat boy touches his bro's ass after making a cup take a drink

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(518): View more from New York

He looks like a mix between a retired piano teacher and a cat that just swallowed a sock.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(936): View more from Texas

I swallowed for you. Answer the phone.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I went on a date with this girl...and whos our waitress? My girlfriend got a second job she didn't tell me about to afford my bday present.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Only you would get a date out of getting hit by a car

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(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

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(619): View more from California

i broight you flpweers amd vodka. open yoir bask door

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(813): View more from Florida

She is wearing lilly and pearls while drinking natty from a monogrammed coozie. If that isn't a sorosititue I don't know what is

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

You can duct tape yourself to me so we dont lose you and you dont have to celebrate your birthday alone

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I spent all day at the mall with her, then she made me actually watch a walk to remember then decided to tell me she was on her period. This one is either really crafty or I am really desperate.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just spent the last 4 hours searching ex-girlfriend porn to make sure there are no photos of me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

what if I'm pregnant?

(848): View more from New Jersey

smusmorshion

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(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You started laughing mid-cry and when I asked you said, "my tears taste like vodka."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(440): View more from Ohio

woke up in Sigma Chi. In his room. they are iniating pledges right now. Holy fucking shit mother of pearl.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

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(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I could've eaten a live cat and wouldn't remember it today. That level of drunk.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(516): View more from New York

i have this gut feeling friday is going to be interesting.\nAnd by interesting I mean I feel like im going to get punched in the face by his girlfriend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

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(763): View more from Minnesota

how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you scared? I basically plan on us looking like giant drunk skittles

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(212): View more from New York

Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(425): View more from Washington

she was most def 27.5% uglier than a troll, but the sex was great

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast

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(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

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(940): View more from Texas

This could help me cancel out guys. First 4 that text me get to stay in the loop. And the last one gets the boot. We'll do this til there's only one man standing

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(303): View more from Colorado

its likemy ribs anf my hesrt aew cuddlingn

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(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

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(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

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(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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(214): View more from Texas

Maybe I should forgo underwear.

(314): View more from Missouri

This is a family BBQ no?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the boat had a sign not to jump off the roof of it, which gave us the idea to jump off the roof of it

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(207): View more from Maine

I think we should see other people.

(1-207): View more from Maine

Already working on it.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.

(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know you.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The fact that he is from Canada is way more embarrassing than the fact that you met him on match.com

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(253): View more from Washington

Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

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(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

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(647): View more from Ontario

the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

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(925): View more from California

She's running around bumping into to people trying to keep a balloon she filled with vodka in the air. Please tell me she has a secret off switch you didn't tell me about.

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(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(530): View more from California

I chased a girl up a staircase screaming because she had a cardboard cut out of James Dean which, at the time, I believed to my friend being held against his will

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Ask him about the girl he took home Saturday night. I swear she voted for Kennedy.

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(914): View more from New York

hungover subway ride filled with german tourists and a mariachi band. too early. too fuckin early

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(630): View more from Illinois

seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I wonder if he has realized that I have poured all if those shots he bought into the tip jar

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(805): View more from California

do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

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(404): View more from Georgia

three words: i give head

(770): View more from Georgia

three words: not that well

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my periods are so regular now that they are sync-ed with my subscriptions of vogue.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Look I'm sorry I shaved your cat, but get over it.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Here's an idea...how about I take shots by myself and drunk dial you around noon?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(914): View more from New York

She went to college and exploded out of the slut closet.

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(703): View more from Virginia

nobody is as good of a wingman as me. i make whoever im with look like mark wahlberg during his underwear model phase

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I think i sorta joined a cult last night

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

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(425): View more from Washington

She got stuck in the front door. She never told me how or why.

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(716): View more from New York

Yo. I have a shitload of cardboard. We have to build a smoke hut in the smoke room with a tunnel connected to a cat house. This way the kitty can join us whenever she pleases

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(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He has a clip art-style heart tattooed on his hip. I hated him way before I saw his tiny dick.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

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(516): View more from New York

I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level

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(972): View more from Texas

Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I want my own midget army. I think I would be a good midget army leader.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

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(813): View more from Florida

i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license

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(541): View more from Oregon

im sitting at a bagel shop wearing a princess crown hungover and have a sweater that is not mine.

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i lost my life and panties somewhere between the 15th and 16th round of slap the bag.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.

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(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Hung over. Bed full of legos for some reason. Not getting up. Come build stuff with me.

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(831): View more from California

please come over and have sex with me so we can talk about prom and kill 2 birds with one condom

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."

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(206): View more from Washington

I figured, if I'm going to wear a gold cape its pretty safe to assume I'll be blacking out as well.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

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(515): View more from Iowa

We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The album was titled "Best Night Ever" until she found out she was preggers and switched it to "God Punishes Sluts"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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(518): View more from New York

We left an ass print on the piano.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(778): View more from British Columbia

He gave me his business card. It was a Justin Bieber trading card with his number written in sharpie. I have to call him don't I?

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(212): View more from New York

1 month til my stepdad becomes a u.s. citizen, so if you want to get in on the divorce pool its your last chance, $5 a square.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I meant the "stage" gay, Not the "bend me over and call me Gary" gay.

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(512): View more from Texas

you kept spraying the cat with water and then telling it to "man up" when it cried

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whenever ur ready we need breakfast and a psychic.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You are two creepy Justin Bieber quotes away from me not talking to you for the rest of the day

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

If I had a pelvic thrust emoticon, I would use it

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(214): View more from Texas

Charging the asians next door to us $5 a page to print their final papers because theirs broke. Bars close in 2 hours, lets go

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

wait one more day. tuesday is my official "i hit on you and/or we hooked up this weekend" friend request day.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The magic cards should have been the first clue. The comments that I have "amazing birthing hips" and that I'm "beautiful in a child bearing sort of way just sealed his fate.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

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(914): View more from New York

Some dude just came up to me and stroked my beard, smiled and left. Shave?

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(917): View more from New York City

shes still asleep dad put a lobster in her bathroom

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

This may sound mean but have u ever just sat in class and look at some of the the people and think how disappointed their parents must be

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

woke up with a sweatshirt on that said "someone special calls me grandma" and a sword. i'm just going to assume that it was a good night

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If the EMT's ask later... I had 5 hour energy for breakfast and Four Loko for dinner... It might be important for them to know that

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm genuinely dissapointed that we didn't make any fat chicks cry

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two portable blenders. We are going to be popular and dangerous.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just woke up in bed with 4 girls. Either i dont remember the best night of my life or they think im gay.

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(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(440): View more from Ohio

that girl looks like she smells like hot dog water...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you made wolf sounds and yelled "team me" the entire movie

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(720): View more from Colorado

More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just saw a San Diego firetruck. No wonder they can't figure out how to fight wildfires if they get so fucking lost they end up in Nebraska.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(512): View more from Texas

Approach what situation? Look, I dunno if you think I'm like some lezbo cheetah waitin in some shrubs to pounce on you the second I see you, but I'm not!

(1-512): View more from Texas

well, everyone in my office is getting a nice laugh right now. But seriously... please delete my number

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(416): View more from Ontario

I mean she's dancing like an epileptic patato and i'd like to slap her

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a girl wearing a flannel shirt that would make 1992 cringe

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(615): View more from Tennessee

everytime someone famous vagina shows up in pics, i have to go check my own vagina to make sure mine dont look all wrinkledy and flabby like that....i want my lips plump and succulent

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(216): View more from Ohio

Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping

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(208): View more from Idaho

i just saw a midget buying condoms and graham crackers. i wonder which was the impluse buy.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I won't be sarcastic... just naked

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

You're sure you don't want to come? I'm pretty sure there is going to be "Pin the Tail on the Baby".

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Well, I didn't bring a notebook or any paper to class. Should I take notes on the sugar packet, lace thong, or condom wrapper that instead are in my school bag?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(630): View more from Illinois

hot girl, 5 o clock

(1-630): View more from Illinois

do you know how to read a clock?

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(209): View more from California

He better hope I dont die soon. Because I would haunt his bitch ass and cock block 24/7

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(253): View more from Washington

For future reference, a lint roller appears to be the easiest way to get glitter out of a beard.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(518): View more from New York

i guess this means i'm going to be wearing knee socks during sex again

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(913): View more from Kansas

Let's make jello shots for tomorrow

(1-913): View more from Kansas

What's going on tomorrow?

(913): View more from Kansas

Nothing, it's Wednesday

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey I have to teach you how to run in heels before vegas

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.

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(305): View more from Florida

Getting drunk in a different country is not a good idea. Lets just say spanish women, 17 yr olds from missouri, prostitutes, and a poodle. I don´t want to leave spain.

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(817): View more from Texas

As we walked into his room, he said welcome to the hurt locker. I should have left, but I love that movie.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Someone sent me a drink from across the bar. It was water.

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(214): View more from Texas

New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables

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(805): View more from California

he keeps commenting everything on my facebook. it's like he's virtually peeing on me

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(281): View more from Texas

what is TOTES MCGOATS in spanish?

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(805): View more from California

i just found my sim card.....i hid it in my tylenol bottle....i guess to ensure i would find it mid-hangover

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(716): View more from New York

I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you

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(254): View more from Texas

You tried to call the hospital and left a voicemail asking if you could be put on the liver transplant list as a "pre-caution"

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(305): View more from Florida

Talking to this girl is like playing minesweeper on hard. There's red flags everywhere.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(440): View more from Ohio

it wasn't sex, it was awkward naked time.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You closed the sidewalk off to pedestrians last night. With a glitter covered safety cone

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude wtf I'm sitting behind some girl in class who is creeping on my facebook page. I don't even know who she is..

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?

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(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

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(716): View more from New York

Sometimes I wish there were a little bird hiding that would periodically go, "creep-per."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just found your credit card inside the bag of chips

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(845): View more from New York

I'm fucking him on the second date. I don't give a fuck what Patti Stanger says.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Call me at 7:30 and make sure I'm not asleep in this booth at Waffle House.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so my phone autocorrects 'retard' to 'retaaahd'. i LOVE being a masshole!

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(713): View more from Texas

I wish there was a hungover fairy to brush my teeth and bring me a diet coke.

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(516): View more from New York

I am not a stalker...i just bring a whole new meaning to the word love

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(520): View more from Arizona

Signed everyone in my dorm up for free samples of astroglyde. Took me an hour. Happy new years!!!!!

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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(330): View more from Ohio

i've never seen someone fall down the steps so gracefully... i think im in love

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i have a dinosaur tramp stamp

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Bleh. If he hadn't ascended into heaven and sat at the right hand of the father, Jesus would be rolling over in his grave right now.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's sitting on the other side of the room at this party. with her smirnoff tucked in that little opening between her cleavage and shirt. drinking from a straw. snapping her fingers off beat.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

it's love

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(301): View more from Maryland

Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was drunk and our names rhymed...what was i supposed to do?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just had a dream there were parent teacher conferences in college...scariest dream ever.

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(801): View more from Utah

My entire childhood was an ugly sweater party

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(704): View more from North Carolina

They had miseltoe over the keg.... thats cheating

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(423): View more from Tennessee

come home now. i got a twizzler tangled in my hair again

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(248): View more from Michigan

He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

winter break is going to suck... i have to put away my college personality and transform into who my parents think i am.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I jsut got pulled over and passed the sobritaty test.

(319): View more from Iowa

Good thing spelling doesn't count.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.

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(650): View more from California

Goodbye hot boy in my geo class...goodbye my lover, goodbye my friend. you have been the one, you have been the reason I came to claassss

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If there was a creeper hall of fame you and me would be the first two inductees

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(720): View more from Colorado

Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong

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(317): View more from Indiana

I got her a Nickelback box set.

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(517): View more from Michigan

dude sorry but u no that when a guys 'likes' ur pic on facebook it only means he was just jacking off to it.

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(713): View more from Texas

on the last problem of the exam i just drew a picture of a cat and left

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

doug butabi!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

steve butabi!

(248): View more from Michigan

hotties wanna shake it

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(703): View more from Virginia

we couldnt find her phone in the morning so i called it and found it under the bed. my name came up as 'regret'

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I read the police report. You asked the cop if you could use his in-car computer to update your facebook. No way you get out of a DUI.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

woke up this morning with "hah" written on my penis.i was like wtf?? morning wood kicked in and found out what it really said, haNNah.then i remembered.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just woke up my dad to tell him that i made out with the drummer. He wasnt as excited as I was.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry, but you without makeup is like christmas without presents.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just need someone to hold me and tell me i dont turn boys gay

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Drunken candy land NOW. Dont fight the urge... you want to.

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(906): View more from Michigan

rough night. sneezed a watermelon seed this morning and apparently I drunk dialed my boss for a ride home. twice.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sarah, plain, and tall I adore you

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(952): View more from Minnesota

well hello there hangover. fancy meeting you here on this BRIGHT thursday morning.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We named our saturday intramural dodgeball team "we're hungover". Pretty much just an excuse to fuel my alcoholism on friday nights.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(330): View more from Ohio

He said he's gonna start calling me "Benny" because we're "friends with bennyfits"

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

literally every day that goes by where he doesn't talk to me makes me more determined to get him to have sex with me

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did you draw a mustache on my drivers license picture??

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(905): View more from Toronto

FYI: Do not ever call any girl a thundercunt as a form of dirty talk.

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(517): View more from Michigan

last night some bitch put bruce along with his entire fishbowl in her purse and tried to leave. how drunk do you have to be to steal someone's pet??

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(917): View more from New York City

you think it's bad that I have four different guys toothbrushes in my bathroom?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw an Asian kid crash into the bike rack with his bike. I love sitting outside the engineering building.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(512): View more from Texas

So I just found out that my mom and dad arent married

(214): View more from Texas

What? They have three kids?

(512): View more from Texas

Yep. And apparently I have a half brother. Happy Birthday to me

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a homeless man with a cat on a leash. reminded me of you.

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(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

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(631): View more from New York

there is cereal in my wallet where all the cash used to be.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

(443): View more from Maryland

How'd that go?

(301): View more from Maryland

Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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(818): View more from California

I woke up this morning and the first thing i saw was the harry potter tattoo on his left butt cheek.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Prostitute standing on the corner thrusting at cars as they drive by. New marketing strategy?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

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(650): View more from California

I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

How would you go about getting a hold of the country star that you slept with and are now potentially pregnant with their baby...?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

myspace Music?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Oh. My. God. Best non-relationship, he-might-be-cheating-on-his-boyfriend-but-I-can't-tell-because-of-the-language-barrier sex EVER!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's a girl!!

(614): View more from Ohio

That's great, I look forward to meeting her in 18 years

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I signed "I love you" on my bar tab last night.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm drunk at The Bachelor casting call in Cleveland

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I cherish every text you send me

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(616): View more from Michigan

She acts like you when your on meds

(510): View more from California

She acts like batman?

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm wearing my white shorts to coax my period out of hiding.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The highlight of my Saturday night was singing along to the sound of music alone in my room.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(510): View more from California

I got a call from 999 999 9999. I didn't answer it because I was too busy freaking out about the number.

(1-510): View more from California

It was probably Jesus.

(510): View more from California

I feel like he would have left a message.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i can juggle bunnies

(1-802): View more from Vermont

cool

(802): View more from Vermont

on fire

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She is sleeping in a dress because she's too drunk to put "real clothes" on

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(714): View more from California

I can't believe I'm wasting this thong on a guy in a sweater vest.

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