Texts From Last Night · jcopzzz's Favorites

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey this is Madison. you gave me your number last night and asked me to remind you that you didn't fuck anyone. you okay?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He came home all fucked up crying slammed his bedroom door and all we could hear for about three hours was THIS ISN'T GONA RUIN MYLIFe what happend

(1-775): View more from Nevada

I told him I got this chick pregnant and he has to get a new wingman

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You're the only true friend I have, if true friendship is based off who would be there for me at 4am during a boxed wine crisis.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

you have a wonderful penis attached to someone I'm having a lot of problems with right now

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(805): View more from California

I'm stoned entirely off resin. Licking my blankets. Merry Christmas. Jesus died for our sins. Yay Jesus. I love you.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(209): View more from California

Homeboy was juggling while taking bong rips. Of course he got laid.

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(712): View more from Iowa

That's because "bed time" is my sex playlist. If you're trying to fall asleep use "nap time"

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well, I want to see you regardless of whether or not you will lick whipped cream off my body.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I want a burrito.

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Truly, you are the voice of a generation.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(865): View more from Tennessee

And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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(925): View more from California

the question is "speedos?" and the answer is "yes".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just had a flashback of dry humping a man lying in the street while Jim (dressed as santa) screams 'HAVE YOU BEEN A GOOD BOY?!'

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hahaahaah I keep finding little notes you left me on my physics notes... "TOO HIGH FOR BIRDS"

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(256): View more from Alabama

hes out at the street wearing a tophat and a monocole and carrying a cane and greeting every car that drives by

(256): View more from Alabama

he just went across the street and into someones house and we could hear him inviting them over from the front porch

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I realised my life had gone downhill since being unemployed when I was making key lime pie on acid at 3am Tuesday morning.

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(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

was it me or did you scream 'champagne motherfucker' when you punched him in the face ??

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(812): View more from Indiana

I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cops knocked on our door just to ask us if we were really having a no-pants party.

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(305): View more from Florida

So he ended up throwing a watermelon that he stole from the cafeteria saying "if i cant have it no one can" of the 5th floor.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you're wondering where your left shoe is you lost it in a bet with a homeless guy last night

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(914): View more from New York

If you wake up soonish don't worry. I took your dog to burger king and now we're going to see some nice girls.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I am going to wait until he wakes up to set his couch on fire and then pee it out. That way he knows it was not an accident.

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(585): View more from New York

Well the "Blackout with your sack out" party turned out predictably.

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(607): View more from New York

I'll send you the picture of you double fisting vodka bottles, grinding one guy and making out with another... Every girl wanted to be you.. You make me so proud!

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(224): View more from Illinois

I was just reelected president of justgotlaidsylvania

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(817): View more from Texas

your bra might or might not be a decoration on me and my roomies xmas tree haha

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(323): View more from California

this girl just gave me her phone number and 5 mins later right in front of me she is giving her number to another dude

(765): View more from Indiana

call her and ask her what she thinks she's doing

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(623): View more from Arizona

Y'know, "Class cancelled because Professor is stuck in Mexico," is not something I expected in college. Let alone, "Professor is stuck in Mexico, AGAIN."

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(519): View more from Ontario

Cats found the secret coke stash again

(519): View more from Ontario

They owe us $80.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I never thought the first time a taser would be used on me would be at an applebees

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are NEVER going to guess whose penis was JUST in my mouth!!!

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll give you a hint, we ate paste with him in kindergarten.

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(937): View more from Ohio

do you know how hard it is to walk a mile drunk on 151 it's hard yards are soft and every girl looks good

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(510): View more from California

you told grandpa to call you daddy

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(914): View more from New York

He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(707): View more from California

i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You're the unicorn of the gay community. Unbelievable and unattainable.

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(916): View more from California

You kept apologizing for not offering me some of your Whisky, which you referred to as "Jesus Nectar".

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(707): View more from California

They poured beer (3 cans) down the toilet so bubbles can be drunk in fishy heaven

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(757): View more from Virginia

sometimes i feel like my only option in life is to be drunk or be a cat. today i am drunk

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

This hot topless Jamaican just ran down the st with me on his back and He was screaming "I be stealing yo white ladies."

(401): View more from Rhode Island

I don't know if i should be jealous or worried... or question where you are.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Nahh. Maybe not even a handful. It's more like a heaping teaspoon worth of dick.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I think i morst likely have 95 %patulas for hands and probably i also went to eGypt with so manyfriends. We laids in the sarcaphoguses.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

You sound pretty unsure about all of this.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Someone sharpied 'shit show' on my tits. Someone with excellent penmanship

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?

(281): View more from Texas

Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"

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(305): View more from Florida

false alarm. still invincible.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I hate when people see you passed out in your front yard and call 911. Like what, you can't take a nap face down on your steps at 4pm?

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(303): View more from Colorado

just watched my roommates get stoned and jury rig a pulley system to pass the bowl back and forth across the room.

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(785): View more from Kansas

That's the point of day drinking, get fucked up by 6pm so you can get stuff done the next day. It's the adult thing to do.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up at 4 am to my roomate peeing all over my clean laundry. He thought he was in the bathroom and yelled at me for being in the bathroom with him while he was peeing.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So im guessing you dont remember the walk home, where you layed down in the alley and began to sing "threes company too" and when i told you to get up you had the nerve to tell me i was to drunk.

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(801): View more from Utah

Even jesus won't love me after tonight. I'm going hard.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Aww. I feel like I need to kill a puppy just to make room in the world for how cute you are right now

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(316): View more from Kansas

This coming from the girl who broke up with a guy because she found out he played the tuba in middle school.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He just showed up at my house and was like "have you seen an axe laying around?" he wasnt wearing any shoes.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I said I was going to sleep an hour ago. Now I'm making plans to get high with the guy who mows your lawn.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(206): View more from Washington

Just peed in a urinal with another girl. It's that kind of night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(914): View more from New York

I feel like everytime I call him he's either fucking or getting into trouble. It's really disturbing that he presses the answer button and then proceeds to fuck her harder.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(937): View more from Ohio

You were talking about masturbating on the phone then said you had to go because golden girls was on then you called me back saying you seen that episode already.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm the saddest girl in a tutu right now.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I JUST HAD PHONE SEX. WHILE TAKING A BATH. FOR AN HOUR. EATING A PLATE OF BURRITOS. TOP THAT SHIT.

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(541): View more from Oregon

theres a note on the fridge that says "guess what i peed in" and a half-full bottle of apple juice front and center. why did you let him in the house?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I know you think I'm being paranoid, but can you please make sure Danny doesn't rub my wedding invitation on his balls?

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

cashier rang me up and said, "white people are funny." like i'm NOT the only white person to buy just lettuce & 40 glow sticks

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(678): View more from Georgia

Just wrestled a cop. He won my shorts. I won my freedom. In fishnets and army boots. still headed to the party. would appreciate pants, but not necessary.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

What can I say, I'm a giver.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

Smoking up the homeless at 3am does not make you a humanitarian.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

How did our waiter from olive garden end up passed out drunk in my roommate's bed?

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(319): View more from Iowa

After 13 tally marks I wrote the number 4,000 and made u sign my arm to prove it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Idk. Each time I ask him about double teaming a woman with Dennis Rodman he just giggles. We will never know what to believe.

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(260): View more from Indiana

U should just post that picture of u two on facebook with the caption, does anyone know this girl? If so please tell her to take plan b, thanks

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(703): View more from Virginia

You need to stop blackout tweeting at him to have sex with you on the roof of your dorm. He doesn't even have a twitter.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(641): View more from Iowa

This morning I learned I traded my sunglasses for a Big Lebowski sticker at the football game.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm by the dj to the left. Come get me now this girl is talking about baby names and I dnt even no hers

(847): View more from Illinois

I can't see you

(847): View more from Illinois

I'm the only one that's wearing a tarzan outfit get your ass over here you douche

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(989): View more from Michigan

i'm too drunk to leave my room. poked my head out like a turtle and everyone knew i wasn't sober. i like it better in my nonjudgmental turtle shell anyway.

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, I plan on starting the night dressed as little red riding hood. Then I plan on finishing the night dressed as a shit show in a red cape.

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(510): View more from California

Sorry for locking you out after accusing you of eating my Skittles... I realized I was mistaken after just throwing up the rainbow.

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(845): View more from New York

if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party

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(325): View more from Texas

3 things I learned last night: 1.) I'm not as light as I used to be. 2.) Sex on the roof of a convertible is a really bad idea. 3.) The hospital now has super glue pens for sealing minor cuts instead of stitches!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

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(646): View more from New York

HE THREATENED ME WITH A CACTUS. WHERE DID HE EVEN GET A CACTUS.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She blew me in the back of the cab while eye of the tiger was on the radio. Top five all time automatically

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(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm slightly possesive over the gucamole when i'm stoned.

(720): View more from Colorado

Is that why you left peanut shells in my bed?

(303): View more from Colorado

my revenge plans when i'm high are never as good as i think they are

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(509): View more from Washington

idk. I was on the deck with Dominic and i felt something weird on my arm. I looked down and you were licking my elbow.

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(773): View more from Illinois

after last halloween when i met that 26yr old guy from russia who was hot until we madeout and he became obsessed with touching my forehead after the ecstasy he did and then tried to sell me pills from an m&m mini container, i think im staying away from parties downtown

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(573): View more from Missouri

I think we should roll her a welcome back, sorry your godmom's on life support blunt.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Yes I have a handle on life. A handle of Svedka.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(917): View more from New York City

He appeared on my 7th floor fire escape and sang to me and jimmy through the window when we fucked. He's like a drunken mix of Sinatra and Spiderman.

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(850): View more from Florida

hungover and i feel like a burrito

(1-850): View more from Florida

like eating one or like you are one?

(850): View more from Florida

like i am one.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You remember the guy that busted in waving a tazer at everyone yelling "get the fuck outta my crib"?

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

yeah you don't forget that shit easily

(651): View more from Minnesota

We ended up crawling out from our hiding spot and playing pool with him once he calmed down. His name is Marcus. I got his email.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Guy in the room next to us in the ER is chanting "I'm jeff and I'm drunk". He's trying to get released to finish tailgating for the Iowa game that starts in 9 hours.

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(435): View more from Utah

Found a single cinnamon toast crunch between my butt cheeks. We did work last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He blew a .19 and then slurred "well I did have some rum cake earlier today officer".

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(+61): View more from Australia

We ended up sleeping in the emergency room for safety (you know, well lit, cameras..) and then an ambulance drove us to the train station around 4am. great last night in australia.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Blacked in riding a tandem bicycle with a stranger. We stopped for hot dogs.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

No idea. I woke up in the middle of the night to you drooling and gnawing on my arm. Then you rolled over, punched the air 4 times, then proceeded to talk about your hair in your sleep.

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(925): View more from California

Does anyone know why "math wizard" is written on my arm?

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(949): View more from California

You were laying in bed whispering and crying to the half eaten burrito saying "why am I shitting so much" and "what did I do to deserve this"

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(602): View more from Arizona

After a couple hours you decided you were going to walk home but ten minutes later you called and said you'd puked by the side of the road and you needed us to drive you to the art museum.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is it possible to dent your eyeball? And how do you "accidentally" go cosmic bowling?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(254): View more from Texas

Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.

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(650): View more from California

Yeah dude. They were so drunk they actually drank the pool water. Which I'm pretty sure will kill them. My parents chlorine the shit out of that thing cuz they know how much sex my brothers have in it

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(303): View more from Colorado

What's the policy for hitting on a girl at a funeral? She seems more bored than sad.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he found cum stains on my sheets and all i could blurt out was "better on the sheets than in me"

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Is there a law against that?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope not at all. Just morals. But fuck it, this is college, not real life.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(248): View more from Michigan

They invented the twister shot game. You put a shot on each circle, take it when you land on it, and if you fall, they funnel the mat and make you drink it. New best friends.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My password hint says "not sunset, also facebook." i need to stop doing computer things while high. I will never figure this clue out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese

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(613): View more from Ontario

She just admitted to me that she was a pinecone.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(206): View more from Washington

Lots of alcohol. 3rd graders fuck me now.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Auto correct or actual 3rd graders?

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(408): View more from California

I awoke this morning to a naked boyfriend flying a remote controlled shark around his apartment. This is my life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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(607): View more from New York

Is your answer to that text seriously a right parenthesis

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(480): View more from Arizona

Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think you seem to understand this concept. WHEN A GAY GUY HANDS YOU A DAIQUIRI, YOU DRINK IT.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(501): View more from Arkansas

There is a large, jolly black gentleman in the parking lot of my appartment complex yelling about 5am jelly doughnuts. I want to be where he's at.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hi Jessica this is Jessica and I am texting you and were taking lime shots and it's fantastic and I broke your elbow and I love you xo

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Dnt forget 40 tuesday,dress nice! Like job interview nice, like funeral nice, like a couple muhfuckas sittin on their lawn drinkin forties on a tuesday nice!

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians

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(574): View more from Indiana

I'm sorry I murdered your sperm with my alcohol saturated Olympic uterus.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Come to me. Jacob is confessing his love and all I want is a hot dog. With chili. Not love.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just tipped the cab driver with pistachio nuts. And he loved it.

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(214): View more from Texas

The world is my kaleidiscope. I see whatever the alcohol wants me to.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You are so lucky that drugs are going to kill you before I do.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you know there's no emoticon to really tell you that I just consumed a magic brownie?

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(562): View more from California

The birthday girl is bringing her own barf bucket, it is going to be a good weekend.

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(334): View more from Alabama

It made me think of you cause he just screamed "CAPTAIN PLANET" a lot and kicked people in the balls.

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(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I'm really debating making a second facebook. Same name only with DRUNK at the end. That way I can keep the guys I only talk to when I'm drunk on that facebook and only go on it when im drunk.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(562): View more from California

He was pretty wasted I guess, but the crippled guy threw the first punch it was awesome

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I hope whoever gets these locks of love doesn't have a drug test anytime soon

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(678): View more from Georgia

he looked like jesus. just the kind of jesus i would have sex with.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Like I had no idea he knew how to play girls the way he played me. His major is chemistry for christ's sake.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You do realize the lyrics aren't "hold me close TONY DANZA" right?

(573): View more from Missouri

You can't be serious.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(317): View more from Indiana

why is my new profile picture on Facebook one of me with a bunch of strangers on an elevator?

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(623): View more from Arizona

I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.

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(727): View more from Florida

Duuuude - Drag Queen Bingo wasn't supposed to end like thissss

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sorority life is like alcoholic girl scouts, plus douchebags in polos.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

You may or may not of thrown up on your shoes, and you tried to give me a wet willy in my eye.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So if you ever need to know a guy who knows a guy who knows a guy that can put a 24oz beer can up his ass... Hit me up...

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(571): View more from Virginia

you looked at her and told her she looks like the girl you lost your virginity to then told her you wanted to lose it to her again

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm so high I feel like I'm pedaling a bicycle but I'm laying on the couch. My body might be vibrating. I made soup.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

You said that "grilled cheese was much to complex" and started to throw the buttered bread at the wall while eating all the cheese.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(480): View more from Arizona

you know, this Evan Williams whiskey isn't so bad when it's watered down a bit and you're home by yourself on a Saturday listening to Snoop Dog alone in your apartment without pants or any plans for your future...

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(517): View more from Michigan

Convinced lucas all the eggs in the fridge are fertilized and now he's crying.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You know what's soul crushing? Walking to subway and find out you were too drunk to put on shoes and being denied service.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Um. I literally have no words.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(404): View more from Georgia

im sorry but you know it was a good night when you got tasered on the ass and didnt even feel it

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(216): View more from Ohio

When I eventually hook up with a resident lets refer to it as taking a hands on approach to my job

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(209): View more from California

This is your liver's 7:15 wake up call. Mandatory margarita popsicles after work today. Rule #71: no excuses, play like a champ!

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just ate a whole pizza by myself. Wearing my indian headdress again. its really cool with the french braids. I look like fucking pocahontas or some shit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I caught him with his head in the spinach bag this morning. He was laughing demonically saying, "i love spinach, yes I do."

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(419): View more from Ohio

I apologize for excluding you. On a better note: the stripper that made out with my wife friend requested me on facebook

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(720): View more from Colorado

haha you were so trashed that you deleted all of your christian music from itunes and kept saying"c-ya God, nice knowin ya"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

sorry about last night, I don't know what happened but I woke up this morning and looked strikingly similar to courtney love, it had to be bad.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I will one day have loud vengeance sex as my revenge against you. Until then I'm just going to sit in the living room playing John Mayer while you're trying to do it.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

apparently, it's not a good idea to make jokes about sending newborns through airport security xrays. the moms dont see the humor.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

But why'd she put it on the conveyor then?

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(972): View more from Texas

so i did it. i barked while i was ejaculating. not a word was said by either of us afterwards.

(214): View more from Texas

so how much did i say i owed you?

(972): View more from Texas

$5 and a new fuck buddy.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

it was the drunk execution of a sober decision, and its much more tasteful than the first mullet

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(661): View more from California

He plays me like an instrument...he is the Carlos Santana of my vagina.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so. which one of us is going to pay for the neighbors new window? it cracked when i threw the bottle at it but smashed when you threw yours.

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I gave an inspirational speech to a bum and called a bride ugly at her wedding reception.

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(301): View more from Maryland

OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i look like a southern belle. however, i am around a million kegs. so i will be a southern shitshow.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

we spent fifteen minutes trying to convince you that you weren't locked inside of your car

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up this morning covered in blood and peanut butter. I am now safe from vampires with nut allergies.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Our cab driver looks like Kim Jong il, and you're missing a fascinating conversation about Katie wanting to be carbon dated.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

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(562): View more from California

don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.

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(949): View more from California

am i so blindsided by his great personality that i'm hooking up with an ugly guy?

(415): View more from California

i thought you knew

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heard in class today that they replaced our carpet in last years apartment because they couldn't get the smell out, dude we smoked way to much pot last year.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(443): View more from Maryland

At least in the future when we're all real people we can laugh about the time we all had scabies together?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

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(817): View more from Texas

you kept screaming that dicks were growing out of your back and then you started crying cause they were so far from your vag

(817): View more from Texas

could you get any more awkward?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm so pissed my boobs hit the emergency stop button during my workout

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(806): View more from Texas

You proceeded to call me a hoe and then informed me that Bear Grylls is and always will be more important than I am to you.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just sent her mug shot out in a mass text because I hate her and her cocaine eyes are hilarious.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Why is there a school picture of an 8 year old boy in my pocket...?

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(208): View more from Idaho

if you really don't think our country's going to shit think of this. Exactly one year from now I will either be in law school or teaching young, impressionable kids, maybe even yours. Try to sleep after that.

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(925): View more from California

I totally just friend requested the girl I met in jail last night so that I could give her back the sunglasses she lent me upon our release. See, I'm not a total delinquent.

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im just saying it can't be that bad if he drove himself to the er. We'll head that way when we finish playing scattergories

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(847): View more from Illinois

If you could come over after class and poke me with a stick to see if im still alive id really appreciate it

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(562): View more from California

He took shrooms and didn't want anyone to touch him. He kept saying he was a chip and he didn't want to break.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to go. i just want to be a hermit and live in a cave with an elephant that pisses vodka

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude she only counts as your gf if you're home. We both signed the fair game contract when we became roommate. So are you really going to be mad or come eat a waffle with us?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Typical Sunday afternoon purchase of condoms and a helium tank.

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(616): View more from Michigan

All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(+61): View more from Australia

They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Apparently it's ok to apply for building permits drunk. I feel like there definitely is a law preventing that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm basically just sitting in the porta poTty finishing my bottle of champagne bc I am too lazy to carry it back to the tailgate

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(269): View more from Michigan

I know. My only sports are biking to buy drugs and running from the police.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm pretty sure we organized our beer pong teams according to who's been circumsized...

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(971): View more from Oregon

Im about to embark on a date with someone who shit in my car. How did this become my life?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I fake pass out to avoid hookups sometimes. Last night I fake slept on my bathroom floor for like 2 hours before the guy left.

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(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

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(559): View more from California

And apparently midway I said "hurry up and finish so we can talk about what a bad idea this was"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Hey we need to step our game up. Dad has us beat; he stole a vending machine once.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(770): View more from Georgia

Gravity stopped and i'm discussing Greek philosophy with two guys I don't know. There's someone asleep on me. We need to use their dealer.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.

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(509): View more from Washington

I picked the lock on the bathroom door and sang him a song while he pooped. Why is he mad?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I dunno... But she calls vodka "dancing juice"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wanna do crazy things to you in a tent

(860): View more from Connecticut

fuckk wrong person

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

.. who was that for? a girlscout?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(518): View more from New York

I wish we never smoked. I'm literally laying in bed opening and closing my eyes, just hoping a hot dog stand will appear in the room.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah she is the one who tells people i beat girls.. which ironically make me want to punch her in the face

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(206): View more from Washington

I'll see ya tonight at your house...and I'm bringing you a special treat that starts with a V and ends with us eventually going to rehab one day.

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(530): View more from California

before you smothered your pizza in mayo you blotted it with a napkin saying you were trying to watch your fat intake

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want your puppy

(507): View more from Minnesota

I meant pussy

(612): View more from Minnesota

I would rather you take my puppy

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, apparently i tried to force feed my grandma bananas last night.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(713): View more from Texas

OHMYGOD did I try to use pinesol as a mixer?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Speaking of roommates, Kelsey and I woke up to urine in our trash can. Neither one of us is willing to admit to it so we've come to the conclusion that someone snuck into our room in the middle of the night

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also, not pregnant! Way to go uterus! Good job on being a team player!

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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(646): View more from New York

congratulations to me i think I am on the road to legitimate alcoholism

(917): View more from New York City

cool. same. I'm in class drinking

(646): View more from New York

NOT OKAY

(917): View more from New York City

sorry for partying

(646): View more from New York

THATS NOT PARTYING THATS DRINKING IN CLASS

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(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

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(206): View more from Washington

Change of plans I'm coming home and shotgunning all the beer we have.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I'm ultimately at thr Shariton to drink and ppssibly puke on fancy shit. Thats my story and Im sticking to it.

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(786): View more from Florida

hey dude come in here and see how much of my beard i can put in my mouth!

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(816): View more from Missouri

apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

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(210): View more from Texas

i would think by now you'd realize that my penis does whatever the fuck it wants and i have no control over the situation

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(631): View more from New York

Just found a 7-11 receipt for new years eve at 1:30 am apparently we felt the need to buy three jars of pickles and a gallon of milk does this ring any bells?

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(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(214): View more from Texas

I just watched a guy get turned down by a prostitute

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(524): View more from

How do you not remember seeing the kid from our chem lab table and repeatedly yelling "lab partners for life!" at him?

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(785): View more from Kansas

She stopped mid hookup to ask me if we'd be done before Taco Bell closed.

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(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yes. Yes. Double yes. I'll bring the tits. You bring the frosting.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Our suitemates are shrooming again. I left a less colorful dress hanging on the door, change before you come in because purple is making Maeve cry.

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(718): View more from New York

Ok so now that we've actually had sex do I get the last name or are u really witness protection status?

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(513): View more from Ohio

hey, this is the ginger girl from the party...i've thought about it and I wanna join the american girl drinking team

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(713): View more from Texas

he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(936): View more from Texas

Dont forget the glove box taco bell stash i saved for drunk us.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My neighbors are outside blasting Hootie and the Blowfish while drunkenly hitting a stump with a hammer. I could get used to this.

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(805): View more from California

It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

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(316): View more from Kansas

You said your face felt like it was made out out of boxes and kept asking me to give you a bath.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You just kept holding your breath for a really long time and calling it lung excersizes.

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

HOW DID YOU END UP IN THE BATHROOM WITH A DANCER AFTER 12 MINUTES?

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(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

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(816): View more from Missouri

i don't know what happened by from the looks of her lipstick I'd say she was skull fucked by a rhino

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(816): View more from Missouri

no you went to jail because you don't know how to whisper when offering a cop a blow job. I'm sure him having a chick partner didn't help.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

She trust falled out of a window. It was like that scene from A Little Princess but with a lot more blood.

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(319): View more from Iowa

You came in as I got off work, ordered us jack and cokes. Put them on my tab, and then proceeded to fall asleep on the bar.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's a creepy homeless guy with no hand trying to get up on our tacobell order

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(260): View more from Indiana

People said that when they tried to talk to me I answered that there was a glass around my head stopping me from answering them

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(269): View more from Michigan

I may or may not be taking a bath listening to the Phantom of the Opera. This lovely moment brought to you by xanax.

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(352): View more from Florida

Want to get naked in Baltimore this weekend?

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(914): View more from New York

The ice cream man just told me to use protection.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I love your family. Oh. And on a completely unrelated note, I know where we can steal a dog.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Can we dedicate this weekends marathon sexcapades to all the haters?

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just found pizaa roll in my hair. Already been to class today

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(334): View more from Alabama

My face is tingly. And my legs are being massaged by golden elves.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(207): View more from Maine

Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

screw jello shots the kids from the culinary school made pudding shots with 4 loko.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to do something romantic. Like gargle champagne before I put your dick in my mouth.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(310): View more from California

Its going to be drunk as shit/pirate themed. Im dressing as the former.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

...And then you kept screaming "cock mouth" in her face every time she tried to talk.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm in the Wal Mart stall where we found out you weren't pregnant. This is where I'm going to propose to you. I feel like that would be the most romantic

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Might just stay in and drink cuz of the hurricane. Yea I think Wisconsin might be safe but its a good reason to drink.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We thought she was passed out on the toilet, but she raised her head to tell me the word I couldn't remember was "empathize." Then she puked blood and passed out.

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(360): View more from Washington

It's like my butt was the only innocence I had left and now I don't even have that.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(212): View more from New York

There's sex hanging in the air like a pinata. European people are no joke.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As shirtless as possible

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(916): View more from California

Thanks for pulling me out of the bed by my feet atleast one of us was sober enough to know I had work at 5 am.

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(650): View more from California

some guy just asked me if water gets in a vag when girls take a bath. WTF. it's not a wind tunnel!

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(989): View more from Michigan

i dont mean to point any fingers but there is a lot of urine in the kitchen

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh, and bring over your fire extinguisher. we're gonna get the mailman again

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(214): View more from Texas

look at his last status update. 3:41 a.m. "i love u and miss u already egg burrito. happy trails friend." OF COURSE HE SMOKES POT.

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found your bra. How you get it off the satellite dish is your problem.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I want to meet new people and vomit on their things instead\n

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is everything ok? Last time I missed your call you were being arrested.

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(607): View more from New York

you trust me enough to eiffel tower a girl but don't trust me with a mallet wtf happened to our friendsship

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(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

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(585): View more from New York

if by "adventure" you actually mean "getting ridiculously high and shaving our legs," then yes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(404): View more from Georgia

This weekend was suppose to be a 'smoke weed and stare at things' weekend. Not a 'spend all my rent money partying with Europeans till 8 am' weekend

(917): View more from New York City

Yeah but those French chicks did get naked

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I did nothing besides stay sober all night, I walked home to find max naked knocking cups off the counter with his cock lol

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(260): View more from Indiana

She just told me her legs are numb and that she dedicated her karaoke of ice ice baby to her 4 month old son.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the lady next to me just sniffed my hair, smiled, and then fell asleep. I almost started crying from that kind of creepiness

(1-248): View more from Michigan

don't cry, we can learn from her

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, its flawless. what could go wrong?

(325): View more from Texas

Jail. That could go wrong.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just saw a dude in a banana costume get beat down by a one shoed black dude wearing a kilt...paninis is such a shit show after 10 on a Saturday

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(760): View more from California

Last night, I accomplished the impossible. I pissed while riding my bicycle home without pissing all over myself. My Dutch friends gave me a round of applause and said I was now the king of holland.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

And then as he was trying to conceal his boner from everybody, you said aloud "just grab your cock and get out of the pool"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i just sent him like 8 different sexts and he texted me back about how good the hummus is that i left in his fridge.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have pictures of you taking tequila shots off the front of the police car when the cop wasn't looking.

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(917): View more from New York City

This girl caught me staring at the cat but stroking the computer because it was closer, which is why I hate blunts.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I was pissing in the urinal at the concert and some drunk chick ran in and yelled 'but the lines to fucking long' then ran out with 10 state troopers chasing her... Yeah

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt

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(217): View more from Illinois

So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(512): View more from Texas

Once two people had broken bones it had become a bulk hospital trip so we took the party bus

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

and honestly how many chances will you get to hook up with a one armed guy?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(530): View more from California

Whatever dude, I don't feel bad about it. If my girlfriend finds out even SHE should give me a high five. That bitch was fine

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(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(647): View more from Ontario

A man pulled out his penis last night and when I said I wouldn't touch it, he said, "that's fine it just needs to breathe".

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(845): View more from New York

She passed out in his mom's bed and when we went to go get her she went 'no its cool I live here'.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I guess he was telling a totally normal story about being a lifeguard and I wouldn't stop screaming "THAT'S LUDICROUS" at random intervals.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Call me when you get back form court. Hopefully its not later than noon. Just remember..win or lose we still booze.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I thought your voice was coming from the walls. I've never been so relieved to find you naked in a closet

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(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was all going great until he pulled the hamburger meat out of his pocket

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Not going outside. I may melt into a puddle of wine

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(713): View more from Texas

Mystery solved: The table is broken because I had sex on it last night.

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(607): View more from New York

Just orgasmed in canada. I should get a sticker or something that says I orgasmed in a different country.

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(434): View more from Virginia

A DRUNK EMT IS BETTER THAN NO EMT!!!

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(575): View more from New Mexico

He made me leave when I challenged "all you bitches" to a game of strip taboo.

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(408): View more from California

A French guy bit my cheek. Is that sexy there? Also had to threaten to stab the bus driver. I'm not sure I like Europe.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'd say the best part of the party was when you screamed to everyone that you were gettin dome on the reg

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just did lines off your face, congrats on getting in the magazine bro

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I think he just made me trade sex for my cat.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(205): View more from Alabama

Mom just posted ur drunk pix from Cancun in the newly made "My not-so-fantastic son" album. Thought you should know.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its only.eleven and we are already chasing a man on a bike with a bag full of burger king

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 girls bringing me taco bell. this is what dreams are made of.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just found out I lost my virginity the same day my parents did, 25 years later. This is my life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

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(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(703): View more from Virginia

it wasn't lemon gatorade

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Who ate shrimp cocktail in my bathroom last night?

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I think im gonna bang this 35 year old at a kids birthday party in the bathroom at this house while the kids open the presents.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I won't drink with you again until you promise to not feed me anymore paper bags

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(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He told me I handled myself pretty well considering how drunk I was. He failed to realize that the lollipop I had was one I found on the ground a few minutes before hand.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(845): View more from New York

It's like....nice talking about real estate but your son gave me herpes

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(864): View more from South Carolina

theres a kid in a leopard robe and sunglasses filling up a gas tank. i miss college

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

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(707): View more from California

come over after work tomorrow, liz and i will make all of your wildest dreams come true. so long as your wildest dreams involve drinking champagne at my house with two girls who won't have sex with you.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

After you vomited on the patrol car, you thanked the officer for helping you up off the ground. I don't think you realized you were being arrested.

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(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

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(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.

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(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I woke up to a gnawing sound in the middle of the night and asked him what it was. He told me it was the family of squirrels that lives in the wall and to go back to sleep.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok perfect im about to bedazzle our mini keg named hans. he is ready to rage

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I forgot my id and a man called soup is buying me vodka.

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(443): View more from Maryland

My mom came into my room and told me to flip off the tv. I gave it the middle finger. Note to self: STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i might have gotten away with it if "don't tase me bro!" wasn't the first thing i said when i rolled down my window.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got home. Seriously all I remember is taking out my contacts and putting your balls in my mouth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Im making the walk of shame with half a box of pizza, its like when youre little and you get a goodie bag leaving the party

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Whatever you gave me is making me lactate

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(208): View more from Idaho

the whole story woulnd't be so depressing if i had made out with ANYONE but the piano player.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She's like the Michael Jordan of alcoholism

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(816): View more from Missouri

Hey we met at the bar a week ago. Your friend gave me a rose and you asked about my nipples.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We did however see an 87 year old guy die and get resuscitated last night at the bar. He then finished his beer and his game of pool.

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(207): View more from Maine

Woke up in a different state, wearing only a bk crown. My boxers are in a tree and I think I went to the hospital last night.....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I told you not to do acid with the girl who works the late shift at 7-11

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(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm doing lines by myself in the kitchen. I think your outside. yeah that's you. your naked.

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(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wanna hang out, and by hang out I mean go get plan B... and maybe lunch, but mostly plan b

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(949): View more from California

... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She carries a brick in her purse. I wouldn't get in a fight with her

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(757): View more from Virginia

some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(301): View more from Maryland

we just got in the car and birthday sex is playing

(1-301): View more from Maryland

that is a sign the 3 of us should have a threesome

(301): View more from Maryland

we agree. completely

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I think horse shit smells the best of all shits.

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(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(619): View more from California

reasons why jon gosselin is probably ur biological father: 1. ur half asian 2. hes everyones biological father 3. u wear ed hardy

(1-619): View more from California

sounds legit

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(309): View more from Illinois

so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

who knew getting puke in ur hair could make it look so cute and curly. minus the crusty puke part

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(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like letting the same guy who shot him dig the pellet out of his leg with a pocket knife was the bigger mistake

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(406): View more from Montana

she crawled under her car and passed out. Unfortunately her feet were sticking out and someone called 911 because they thought she had been run over.

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(210): View more from Texas

Road construction signs are deceptively heavy

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You kept telling me how warm your bag of vomit was and asked me if i wanted to feel.

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(410): View more from Maryland

I want a coyote to ride back and forth to the bathroom because walking is getting old

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(714): View more from California

sitting in my room in a shopping cart. they couldnt get my legs out of the holes. i want breakfast.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

When you consider the sheer number of events that had to occur in order to prevent me from fucking her, there must be a god

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(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

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(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.

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(707): View more from California

Freedom, beauty, truth, and love to all. I also probably have syphilis

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I guess she thought her walk of shame would be more dignified if she stole my dog

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

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(219): View more from Indiana

No i'm not calming down the girl at white castle did not need to see the picture of my dick on your phone.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(678): View more from Georgia

All I know is she had me sitting on the kitchen floor with her little Pomeranian eating potato chips And shredded cheese. I don't even know dude. I don't even know.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?

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(573): View more from Missouri

If Megan asks I spilled my water water all over her. I pissed on your roommate. You're welcome. I expect you to keep that on the down low. Seriously tell her the water thing

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(585): View more from New York

aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"

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(714): View more from California

The carpet cleaning people refuse to steam clean human feces. I'll call back later and blame it on the dog not you

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Your doorknob is in my back seat, in case you were looking for it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she's living proof man. somebody has literally pissed in the gene pool

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(209): View more from California

come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

come back what if one of your parents walks in and im just sitting here eating a cheesesteak without you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the two person party stopped when i realized that he tried to throw a hammer at my head.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(815): View more from Illinois

Yeaaah. I'm kinda wary about that guy. Does he still have that taser that he found on the train?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(481): View more from

I WILL MAKE A FLYING LEAP FOR YOUR DICK WHEN I SEE YOU THROUGH THE WINDOW

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I assume it was your influence that had me go from DD to waking up out on the deck with one eyebrow shaved off??

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(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

It wasn't a threesome, it was me making out with one while looking at the other one screaming "does this make you jealous?"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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(845): View more from New York

Dude if our hands were ladels we could work at a soup kitchen

(845): View more from New York

That would be so convenient

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also, I don't remember opening my gifts from my family. It was cool when I woke up with a new ihome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you finished all 5 burgers, started crying tears of joy, and then claimed the tears were actually just 'meat sweats' from your eyes

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(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

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(509): View more from Washington

Look, if he's not the brother with three nipples, I'm just not interested.

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(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

i put that paper plate back in your cabinet because i ate all the ketchup off and you can't even tell. you're welcome.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wasn't that bad. I thought I was pretty tame.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

When Anthony passed out you poured vodka on his face

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Even the paramedic said "what a way to kill a party"

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(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

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(775): View more from Nevada

they told you the "weed man" wouldn't come until you were asleep, like santa claus. you believed it.

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(614): View more from Ohio

And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.

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(253): View more from Washington

She pulled a cheeseburger out of her purse. I have missed her so much.

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(424): View more from California

I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

He got drunk and insisted on licking my eyeball and called it a test of my trust in him.

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(219): View more from Indiana

about 90% sure I fell off a roof. It hurts BAD. Don't suppose you're still in town?

(219): View more from Indiana

yup haha I infact DID fall off a roof. Want some bomb ass omlettes?

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(909): View more from California

You know ure stoned when u start thinking about making a bacon smoothie

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(630): View more from Illinois

Man when i saw they were the only ones hard core grinding to the Cha Cha slide against the wall, I knew they were gonna have sex tonight.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Last night you tried to pee on my bed...in the hallway...your room...and the showers. When I finally got you on the toilet you passed out.

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you pissed in the sink and didnt realize it until it was time to wash your hands

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(801): View more from Utah

What do I have to do to get you laid? I talked to that girl with the ugly dog for 45 minutes trying to get you in, and all you said was "Steven Spielberg is my favorite director."

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I hate my date so much right now for even thinking I want to do the electric slide.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't know how to say this, but I think you're a fucking bitch and the sooner you die I'll be happier.

(260): View more from Indiana

Sorry- wrong number! :)

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's cold our but I feel like a very blazed penguin

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I wonder what gingers are like in bed...as awkward as their hair or just as unique as it...?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(937): View more from Ohio

also. he gave me a foot massage during 69ing when i got a cramp. he's a winner.

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(954): View more from Florida

I think I'm pregnant with his hipster baby. It keeps kicking my stomach to the beat of mgmt songs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(216): View more from Ohio

So shortly after drunk sex...she starts crying and saying..." you don't care about me, you never do anything nice for me" so I called her a cab

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(585): View more from New York

they lined up to high five me when i got taken out by the stretcher. The paramedic high fived them too

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(530): View more from California

When I finally got there you were bleeding all over and you just kept saying over and over that the dog was your only friend at the party.

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(619): View more from California

Someones grandma was rubbing my back. I'm way too high for this.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I told them you could toss a salad like wolfgang puck

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(207): View more from Maine

Um I think everyone drunk and there's some douche on violin.

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(518): View more from New York

I can hear her moaning. I'm on some random guy's counter. He wanted me to cuddle but I said I didn't know how.

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(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(301): View more from Maryland

She got kicked off the plane and spent the last four hours in a holding cell with the feds.

(301): View more from Maryland

but she's really nice

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Every time you come over you bleed on everything. I'm not calling Verizon again asking if blood is considered water damage.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Been in the ER for 3 hours now. This hospitals transition to paperless is not going well. But my doctor looks like Elton John and just gave me percocet

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(309): View more from Illinois

Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I consider it a good night. I met Jimmy Buffet, who grabbed my ass, and I body-checked a toddler. She had it coming.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

afterward, he apologized, hugged me, and then gave me a granola bar and said “this is my apology gift.”

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(801): View more from Utah

we talked about european history as he fucked me from behind in the shower... i think it was a success

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What did we do last night that was yellow?

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(250): View more from British Columbia

We made the pizza boy do Jell-o shots with us. He didn't even deliver to our house, we just called him over from the neighbors

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(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning to 7 word documents that all said "remember to be extremely angry at your jerk of a brother." What the hell did you do to me last night?

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(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

too bad you can't see the clap by looking at her face.

(507): View more from Minnesota

she is a standing ovation.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

U just looked at me and said "wake me up when I'm done eating"

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(480): View more from Arizona

So he just rolled over in his sleep and said "that's a punctuation mark..."

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(740): View more from Ohio

the jolly green giant just puched the pope. halloween is the best.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i sneezed during and he said it felt like i gave birth to his dick...then asked me to do it again.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(319): View more from Iowa

he left me a note this morning. it said "thank you for letting me touch you"

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawnmower thinking of you

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(914): View more from New York

He made off the wall shots in beer pong, stuck the girls dog in a cooler, and played with swords with her mom. I wish I got his name

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I mean besides the fact someone got stabbed, I still had a pretty good night.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

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(631): View more from New York

I think i'm just gonna start shot-gunning everything that comes in can form.

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(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

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(785): View more from Kansas

you almost dropped the shot glass then you thought you were such a hard ass for catching it that you slammed it on the table and broke it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

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(305): View more from Florida

No she stopped screaming. Now she's eating popcorn. Off a plate. With a spoon.

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(805): View more from California

I think the tooth fairy visited me last night... after I chipped my tooth n blacked out, I woke up to my purse filled with cocaine n sequins.

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(940): View more from Texas

he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend

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(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

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(+61): View more from Australia

She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?

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(512): View more from Texas

She kept saying the tortilla understood her. I honestly don't know where she found a tortilla at the pool.

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(914): View more from New York

i overslept, had to take a cab to the train station, might puke, bought the wrong flavored vitamin water, and mj's dead. what a terrible world to wake up to.

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Remember that time I came into your room after taking a muscle relaxant and we argued about what state has the longest coastline?

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(847): View more from Illinois

she told me if people cross their eyes and look at her, they say she looks like megan fox

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(660): View more from Missouri

We thought you were crowd-surfing until we realized it was the bouncers throwing you out

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(206): View more from Washington

got in a fight at the bar because some dude thought i was being sarcastic when i told him "sweet mustache". it really was a sweet mustache

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(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was high as a kite when I got pulled over by a cop and he asked me for my ID and if I had been smoking weed, I said no and gave him my debit card.

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(251): View more from Alabama

you came in and threw goldfish on our blue carpet and screamed SWIM BITCHES and then made me drink a best friends potion with you

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(757): View more from Virginia

I forgot i ate a salad for dinner, so while i was barfing in his toilet, i kept screaming "i ate leaves?? i cant believe you let me eat leaves!"

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(415): View more from California

From the crime scene it appears that I attempted to throw up into a candle.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

ASIANS HAVE SEX TOO!! I just watched it happen in the library.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(518): View more from New York

Of course im so fucked up sarah. I fight away tornadoes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

mustard is like jesus in yellow tights

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

YOURE GIVING A BLOW JOB TO THE BOY WHO SAYS "OH SNAP"

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(650): View more from California

so high and i think i just ordered a magic bullet.

(1-650): View more from California

did you call within the first 18 minutes? can i have the free one?

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink

(313): View more from Michigan

Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver

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(845): View more from New York

Chris' response to jim throwing up was taking off his shirt and saying WHO WANTS A BONER

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(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(863): View more from Florida

oh my god. were standing in the kitchen and were chanting "EYEBROWS" and shaving peoples eyebrows. I have work tomorrow and want to keep my eyebrows.

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(770): View more from Georgia

She barfed in the corner of the baby pool. Then she yelled "it's okay" repeatedly while trying to scoop it out.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm stoned and have been watching so many cartoons that I changed the channel and real people were on, and it scared me

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So do you want to come over? ;)

(763): View more from Minnesota

Never again opening up the Pandora's box of crazy that is your vagina. Sorry.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

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(480): View more from Arizona

YOU CAN RENT MIDGETS ON CRAIGS LIST

(602): View more from Arizona

I told you not to ruin your birthday surprise!

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(389): View more from

So when jo picked me up from the bar I kept apologizing and kept telling her "I'm just a wittle donut"

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(863): View more from Florida

just so you know, your brother isn't driving home wasted tonight. he is, instead, in my dorm shower screaming about rubbing his butt with my loofah; thought you would be proud

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(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

a stripper queefed in my friends mouth last night and it reminded me of you. miss you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Exactly how many bongs can i have before my parents figure out they really aren't vases

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(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

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(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We found you passed out clutching your purse. There was 16oz of unopened cheddar cheese inside. You just kept saying SALSA YES.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(512): View more from Texas

you never know when you'll meet the man of your dreams and bang him in an elevator

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(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm not holding out much hope. She met me in a nighclub when I was arguing with the cigarette machine

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(802): View more from Vermont

It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk me was responsible for doing it, but sober me was definitely cheering him on

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(561): View more from Florida

Oh yeah forgot to mention that I referred to myself as the oral sex heavyweight champion last night

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I walked in on you eating olive oil off of a plate. you gave me this look and I just started crying. we were that drunk.

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(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

By the way, i got bored and just started putting my balls on every object in your room. One at a time.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(219): View more from Indiana

i need to find a birthday card for her that tells her how happy i am that i can now legally bang her

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(650): View more from California

last thing I heard her say before I passed out was 'this is great. I never get to be the big spoon.'

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he's been in the country 4 hours and we just did it in the closet. he called me "miss flirtatious in the cupboard." i'm in love.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(701): View more from North Dakota

i want to fuck

(320): View more from Minnesota

?

(701): View more from North Dakota

it's pretty self explanatory

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Why? Who won?

(440): View more from Ohio

we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Well, I just hope you know I had your best interests at heart when I put your sandwich down my pants.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know we didn't hook up because i was still wearing my fanny pack in the morning

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry i hit your dog last night,,,i didnt even see it

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dont have a dog?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

WTF

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(540): View more from Virginia

I told my rommate that he was pissing on his bed. He said "ok man" and took a step backwards and continued. He then went back to bed.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You all can go fuck yourselves. As far as I'm concerned, don't come back to karaoke.

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(518): View more from New York

WHAT IS WRONG WITH SOCIETY?!?!?!

(315): View more from New York

... says the kid who took a shit in my parents dishwasher...

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I guess I just got drunk and ordered a mini fridge off the internet. At least now I know the 200$ that was missing from my checking account wasn't spent on lap dances only.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

you asked the guy at 7-11 if he remembered when you came in and threw news paper every where... then you did it again

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(323): View more from California

i don't know her name but she is cooking me brkfst then helpin me find my car.

(818): View more from California

she hot?

(323): View more from California

i don't wanna talk about it

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(334): View more from Alabama

i did the 'picked up item' thing from zelda when i jizzed on her face

(1-334): View more from Alabama

so you're single again?

(334): View more from Alabama

yea but it was worth it

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(678): View more from Georgia

For some reason I knew you were going to smell like strippers and burritos when I hugged you.

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(845): View more from New York

weed salsa. i deserve a nobel prize

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently last night drunk me put my phone in a cup of beer to make it "fun scented".

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(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just tried to sell my homemade "lightning bolt stencil for pubes" on Etsy.

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(631): View more from New York

She was giving me a handjob while I was wearing a sombrero with a beer in one hand and a hammer in the other.

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(727): View more from Florida

I fell alseep but then some dude picked me up. Comforter and all stuck a blunt in my mouth and carried me back downstairs because "I wasn't done partying"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(706): View more from Georgia

We hung out in the bathroom the whole time and talked about sex and watched some girl pee. If you don't believe I was there, check the bathtub for bread crust.

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(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

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(972): View more from Texas

I thought I would take a shower to wake me up but now I'm naked wet and stoned laying on my bed instead of just stoned laying on my bed

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(812): View more from Indiana

You stood up gave the stripper 15 ones in a wad, hugged her and then sat back down.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

It starts with an S and ends with arah just gave me a bj.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(404): View more from Georgia

Dude, she puked up her Plan B, then reached in the toilet and re-swallowed it. That chick does NOT want a baby

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(845): View more from New York

if u cant get laid at this wedding we need to have a looooooong talk about the possibility of u becoming a lesbian

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Well I woke up with spatula marks on my ass and burns on my hands.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Some one left their pants in the elevator.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(425): View more from Washington

I think "banned from Amtrak due to excessive projectile vomiting" would sum up the evening quite nicely.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(207): View more from Maine

I feel like i got beat with a pillowcase full of tequila shots.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wonder if she thought to herself "I'm gonna sleep with that guy tonight" when she watched me puke on the bar at 3 in the afternoon?

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

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(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remeber when I drunkenly made out with him this summer while he was getting bitched at by his girlfriend on the phone? Yeah, neither do I. But I'm pretty sure that same thing happened again last night.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(319): View more from Iowa

i have a picture in my phone of you with a bottle of tequila in your back pocket. i believe you were saying "pocket of champions" or something along those lines

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

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(310): View more from California

he said i was so drunk that i shared a urinal with him and we simultainiously peed

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I like when I have the chance to say normal things like 'I know her from college' vs 'I did a ton of blow with her one night at Studio B.'

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the $20 limit for secret santa doesn't apply to me cause you know a half gram of coke is more than $20

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(712): View more from Iowa

she used her one phone call to ask me about my day

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(917): View more from New York City

im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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(417): View more from Missouri

He was making tequila spiked Arnold Palmers and murmuring things in Spanish.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

I love foreign exchange students.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's sobering up. It was really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i think you ate grass..but you refused to open your mouth so we could see..

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(813): View more from Florida

Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'm saving myself for my wedding night or a night with enough patron.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(419): View more from Ohio

its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(541): View more from Oregon

His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(616): View more from Michigan

On my way home right now. I miss you. let's cuddle. whiskey.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(806): View more from Texas

at least he lost his v-card with a bang... or should i say the clap.

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(678): View more from Georgia

apparently farting at a cop is considered assault.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(469): View more from Texas

just do it

(1-469): View more from Texas

fine only cuz shes asian

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you turned your livingroom into a bong?

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(614): View more from Ohio

The lack of respect you have for your penis baffles me. I'd rather rub my ball sack on public toilet seats than stick my dick in some of those girls.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A simple 'no' would have sufficed

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(301): View more from Maryland

did you know that snuggie is the perfect anti-freak out aid for stoners? it weighs you down so you can't go anywhere. just sit there and enjoy the movie, that's right.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he smells like the inside of heather mills' fake leg

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Check if I'm alive tomorrow. If not, tell my parents I died happy and that there's a gay cheerleader in the spare bedroom

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Apparently when you order 'bottomless fries' at red robin that doesnt mean you can go around to every table and eat all the fries you want off other peoples plates.

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(734): View more from Michigan

wouldnt it be awesome if walks of shame were like charity walks...you could get sponsors and shit and donate money to curing STDs or cancer

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

dude, the reading rainbow guy was just talking to a HOLOGRAM

(616): View more from Michigan

Are you sure you're not watching Star Trek?

(401): View more from Rhode Island

wait... oh

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

burritoes are like sleeping bags for ground beef

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(845): View more from New York

It really wasent that hard. The male one had a M and the woman one had a W. I just couldent comprehend that at the time.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

just won a stolen shopping cart in a dance off in a parking lot.

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(631): View more from New York

Is there a nice way of saying 'touch my penis or i dont really wanna hangout"?

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

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(817): View more from Texas

If I die tonight, wear a V neck to my funeral.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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