Texts From Last Night · jdizzle329's Favorites

Sorry Sheepthief hasn't picked any favorites yet.

jdizzle329's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

Fav 6 1619 3768
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

Fav 18 2154 6408
share tweet

(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

Fav 16 6409 1754
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

Fav 18 4914 1533
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

Fav 5 1189 4115
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American

Fav 29 2978 2365
share tweet

(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

Fav 32 13699 1290
share tweet

(609): View more from New Jersey

I've come to notice a late period isn't as exciting when you have no reason to worry

Fav 10 1085 4832
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

Fav 16 1890 3628
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8568 2315
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

Fav 37 6447 1619
share tweet

(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Fav 25 9271 1457
share tweet

(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

Fav 14 5727 1229
share tweet

(734): View more from Michigan

Ehh boy. FML. she was unattractively large.

Fav 3 1007 1528
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

ur plase or mine? lol

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

well if you don't learn how to spell, you may be at your place and I'll be at mine.

Fav 12 1555 2261
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Never write on a napkin "my face, your boobs" with your phone number and give it to a girl. Just a tip of the day from my nightly experiences lol.

(708): View more from Illinois

We need to hang out more often

Fav 13 3064 876
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Because of no shave november, it's no boys december... pay back

Fav 63 2507 4343
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

Fav 44 8017 2539
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

Fav 47 12198 2839
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

Fav 17 4881 1578
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

Fav 13 1672 4221
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

Fav 29 6427 1545
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

Fav 14 5368 1484
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

Fav 8 5148 2378
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

Fav 51 14289 1960
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

Fav 35 10254 1635
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

Fav 16 4814 1430
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

Fav 10 1890 3771
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1504
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i don't really know how much tequila is too much

Fav 16 4724 1985
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

Fav 16 1427 4080
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

Fav 20 6930 1429
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

Fav 14 1203 4305
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

Fav 15 4448 1558
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I have seen more male genitalia at this party tonight than I ever want to see again in my entire life.

Fav 20 1821 4402
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

IM SAVING ALL MY LOVE FOR YOU

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

I don't want it.

Fav 36 1459 8205
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

Fav 12 11086 1303
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

My boobs aren't big enough for this kind of lifestyle

Fav 44 2875 1093
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll just stay a virgin forever then

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

You still have to go anyway

(856): View more from New Jersey

Then I guess I'll have to start sleeping around

Fav 5 1437 813
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

Fav 9 1934 4648
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I may just buy something cuz i have 6 weddings in the next year and a half.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Holy shittt I don't even have a bf

Fav 3 1152 1429
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I just saw a woman point to her daughter and scream at her husband THIS IS YOUR GENES, THIS IS YOU.

Fav 21 5409 1555
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

Fav 23 6931 805
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i just dont know how to see an unattractive person as more than a friend

Fav 62 3169 1485
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

just passed a tour group on my way home. the guide actually said: 'and THAT kids is whats known as the walk of shame'

Fav 16 4286 4331
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

Fav 24 6506 1539
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We've had the 'life would be so much better if we were both lesbians' conversation too much for that to be okay.

Fav 16 5194 1601
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

Fav 33 7060 1977
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I didn't realize how hung over I was until I rolled over and the world rolled over with me.

Fav 12 4854 1486
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

Fav 32 17990 1844
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

Fav 44 10103 1551
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

The guy at the liquor store just checked my id and said "oh it's you"

Fav 14 7472 1157
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

just got super drunk mixing jägermeister with my lyme disease meds. even if my face goes paralyzed, at least i got smashed from it.

Fav 10 1343 4791
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

Fav 57 1397 8119
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

Fav 70 13888 6048
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

Fav 43 12346 1748
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

Fav 36 2199 9876
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

Fav 43 2769 7905
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

Fav 12 5440 1430
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

Fav 20 6646 1543
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

Fav 16 5110 1238
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder what a non-hungover friday at work is like

Fav 6 3584 1255
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31329 2833
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

Fav 28 1713 10212
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

Fav 36 6436 1700
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

Fav 21 7439 1427
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

well now i know if i ever need to drive puke and talk on the phone at the same time i can

Fav 18 3281 2217
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward

Fav 10 6193 1673
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2586
share tweet
(626): View more from California

I'm trying this new thing, it's called standards

Fav 7 3236 1252
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?

(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't all three of those the same though?

Fav 2 1448 800
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

5 years of college and never once did they teach us how to respond when you overhear a group of 7th grade boys who are in your class talking about how you're definitely DTF

(973): View more from New Jersey

children are so perceptive these days... and horny

Fav 32 2748 1061
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

Fav 26 1724 6032
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Rosebud was a fucking sled. Gay.

Fav 45 1160 2483
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

Fav 46 5903 2414
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

Fav 36 8344 1745
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

Fav 31 9358 1965
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

If we were to wake in ur bed together, what are the 3 words you would say to me?

(513): View more from Ohio

Get out now.

Fav 57 8658 3025
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He asked what my name was on facebook chat. IT SAYS RIGHT THERE. i will never be drunk enough for this guy.

Fav 14 1428 5505
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

Fav 52 6843 3886
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I can't believe believe she called me a slut. She doesn't know anything about me or my life.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Shit, that's something a lot of sluts say.

Fav 11 1176 1931
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

yo i just woke up i feel so weird, and the absolut is still fill, so is the 30, what the fuck did we drink last night man? And will you please come out of the bathroom.

(702): View more from Nevada

Bro... we didn't even hang out last night??

Fav 10 2600 1095
share tweet
(681): View more from West Virginia

Where are I am going home with Ryan

(601): View more from Mississippi

I don't know who this or Ryan is but it is probably too late to talk you out of it

Fav 19 2187 2833
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7463 2731
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

A freshman just woke up on our back pourch... He swears there was a party here last night but we didn't have one

Fav 25 8384 1047
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Stop selling my mother weed! She's annoying as hell when she's stoned.

Fav 15 7058 2490
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i now know how you feel when you have to walk me home. she ran into a streetlight and into garbage.

Fav 6 3178 1123
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Dude, at this rate we're going to get arrested a second time tonight.

Fav 21 5473 1531
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I've been drunk so often this summer being sober is exciting

Fav 14 6022 1619
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

it was like she was tryin to eat my face and i was defending myself with my mouth

Fav 19 1228 4895
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

Fav 25 3950 1798
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

he's a bartender at a gay strip club. maybe he can work his magic. with getting u in, not gay magic.

Fav 7 3101 897
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I twisted my ankle last night doing a super high five with 3 inch heels on.

Fav 22 4797 1352
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.

Fav 16 895 3520
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter

Fav 128 2935 4182
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I just showed my tits to my brother on chatroulette. Could my life get any worse?

Fav 37 1258 10001
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

Fav 27 3256 6857
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She kept saying "I'm going to hell" the entire time we were fucking. I really wasn't sure what to do... so I agreed with her.

(409): View more from Texas

That was definitely the right answer.

Fav 19 7180 1592
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.

(1-904): View more from Florida

It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

Fav 28 1082 2400
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

im pretty sure i tried to attack the vending machine last night

(303): View more from Colorado

lol who won

(727): View more from Florida

well im in the hospital right now so u tell me

Fav 15 1888 1248
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

just found the land before time on youtube... I'm so fucked for finals

Fav 33 9208 1723
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

just found a sign outside my brothers door "not going to church, don't even try" and he is covered is vomit in his bed.

Fav 47 6702 2446
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

Fav 26 8278 1167
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ive never been so in love with another man before, in a totally none sexual way... no homo

Fav 4 1553 836
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

i was just singing like a virgin out loud my mom told me to stop kidding myself

Fav 19 3623 4924
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

Fav 20 8122 1399
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

every single one of us blacked out. we woke up the next morning and it was like the night never happened. IT'S STILL A MYSTERY

Fav 20 6979 1358
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

Fav 48 11313 1840
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

Fav 55 2006 16024
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

he took his pants off right in front of me then just stood there so i went for his boxers and he said he was waiting till marriage

Fav 39 1481 13705
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

i would punch a child for taco bell

Fav 41 5931 1400
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I've had cake for breakfast the past 3 days. You tell me how bikini season is going.

Fav 45 2241 5241
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'd fuck her but she fucked Dusty. And I'm pretty sure he's humped livestock

Fav 29 1122 1651
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I love you and miss you, which in no way dimishes how much I hate the person you turned out to be, but I still love and miss you.

Fav 39 1200 1445
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1592 19816
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

Fav 49 8103 2557
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

it was really awkward. it took him like like 2 minutes to realize who he was jacking off to. he stopped mid-stroke. such a small small world

(1-248): View more from Michigan

i told you not to try chat roulette

Fav 20 1573 6847
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

remember last year when i left for the bar in flip flops and came back in heels?

(973): View more from New Jersey

it happened again.

Fav 8 6465 1223
share tweet
(510): View more from California

We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.

Fav 14 1386 826
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

Fav 69 4590 1135
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

Fav 18 2726 3963
share tweet
(+32): View more from Belgium

Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.

Fav 55 7433 1816
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

a girl in my class is on a twilight fan site and running her fingers on the screen as edwards body comes up.

Fav 76 1433 8357
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not really sure actually. until I fell in love with a boy (which was just a few weeks ago) I thought my attraction to men was purely physical.

(201): View more from New Jersey

so you were gay...and then you realized you were EVEN MORE gay

Fav 7 2433 989
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I think there's some kind of asian convention downtown. There are thousands and they're all wearing badges and snapping pictures. I feel like I just stepped into your worst nightmare.

Fav 3 1444 1006
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

Fav 12 2389 3576
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

Fav 9 4235 1299
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude..her orgasm sent her into a seizure...theres no joke here. It happened.

Fav 23 6856 3171
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Omg. I just woke up in a room full of naked people

Fav 6 6818 1039
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Did you see that girl I got with last night?

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Girl? Oh...weird...to be honest Ive always thought you were gay..

Fav 13 1255 4152
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i tried to hook up with a mom and then her husband came with num chucks

Fav 36 1543 6246
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning next to some guy. I was horrified, he woke up and said, "the white tiger strikes again!"

Fav 40 1951 6454
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Someone carved 'Hank' in all caps in the snow outside my apartment building so naturally I turned the capital H into a K and added an S to the front.

(662): View more from Mississippi

I think college has really matured you.

Fav 19 4848 945
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

Fav 15 6297 1798
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha

Fav 17 1773 976
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

Fav 42 3054 1388
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

So what does a sober person do in Vegas on a Friday night?

Fav 62 956 8524
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

xbox live and facebook are tricking me into believing I actually have an active social life

Fav 23 1233 3367
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She is going down in cock block history. He went in to kiss me and she threw her hand between our faces and yelled "DENIED!"

Fav 41 3247 10006
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

hey girl hope you're alright, you hit that tree really hard. have a good night.

Fav 8 5337 1785
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

Fav 16 11135 2013
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

my roommate just said, "don't look at it, just put it iin your mouth"

Fav 19 3719 1187
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean, you're like my second best best friend we're so close I can't believe you'd do that to me

Fav 3 1075 1582
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

saw you had $9 in your checking acct, left $20 on your dresser so you won't be a whore this weekend

Fav 5 1785 831
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

Fav 89 9575 2016
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

Fav 30 6132 1457
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

(914): View more from New York

please be gone before i get back

Fav 2 1216 1774
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

You should dream of me :)

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to dream of single life.

Fav 24 1176 3058
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

Fav 11 3491 1023
share tweet
(415): View more from California

This whole foot fetish thing is getting out of control. He would rather hold my feet than me after we fuck.

Fav 15 1236 7299
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

Fav 121 5004 63835
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

so he let me use one of the toothbrushes that came in his daughters 4 pack, purple glittery toddler toothbrush, the next time i came back his wife has used their label maker and put my name on it...

Fav 66 1719 7470
share tweet
(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

Fav 21 3325 7326
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

Fav 29 9479 1524
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

Fav 13 9070 967
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

my house keeper must think I'm a prostitute.

Fav 12 2884 907
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You should've come with us, we're at Home Depot looking for men.

Fav 28 3546 1178
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

Fav 16 2577 7138
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

Fav 136 8444 56809
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

Fav 66 20825 1545
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

Fav 117 4856 1909
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

Fav 48 21449 2739
share tweet
(310): View more from California

dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore

Fav 25 1834 7316
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

Fav 24 6868 1643
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

Fav 25 12429 1327
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

he asked me if i "normally slept like that" because i was curled up in a ball facing the wall. then he told me that i woke up in the middle of the night and said "oh my god. i forgot you were here." how did he not understand that i didn't want him in my bed.

Fav 31 1172 7385
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

you know you were refereeing rock paper scissors for who got to make out with your sister right?

Fav 19 2477 6557
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

im on my way to getting "i just graduated college with no money, no job, and no plan" drunk

Fav 39 4383 1149
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

We just picked up about 540 lbs of women....

Fav 179 1807 3306
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Waaait I'm alsleep in myt car somewhere

Fav 10 4107 1072
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works

Fav 12 1473 794
share tweet
(949): View more from California

It was like his mom forgot to breastfeed him and he was making up for lost time.

Fav 51 1914 5206
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Ive created a fbook group called "threesome" and invited two girls. Im not going to say a word and just see what happens.

Fav 31 12001 1614
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Reminder- he's a douche bag. A big one.

Fav 4 2075 2429
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I must be too annoying 4 u.

Fav 7 1320 2829
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

Fav 11 1608 5904
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

Fav 38 4778 7822
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh my god it just tripped me out that I used to be a baby, I had to tell you.

Fav 11 7160 1535
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10280 2242
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14077 2295
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

This girl told me she was a virgin the other day. I felt like I was talking to a unicorn.

Fav 30 7599 1593
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Went to use to bathroom and walked in on karaoke. Two girls singing "a whole new world" to each other in the shower. I'm gonna miss this place in the summer

Fav 16 5913 1312
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

Fav 83 2180 10532
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Replacing day drinking with a real job was the worst decision I've ever made.

Fav 13 4633 2192
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I GPSed you we're an hour and 14min away from each other

(413): View more from Massachusetts

and it's going to stay that way

Fav 11 1130 3218
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here

Fav 0 2102 1866
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

yo i have your phone

(202): View more from Washington, DC

... oh so you probably won't get this message

Fav 14 2633 1443
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

Fav 78 5236 3494
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

ps... at the end of one of the videos you yell "let's do the eiffel tower again.. i'll be in the middle!" .. i almost died lolol

Fav 14 4259 905
share tweet
(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

Fav 32 3840 1212
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I don't know how much more of summer my liver can take.

Fav 24 4912 1434
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1489
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Do you understand how much easier life would be if fannypacks were normal

Fav 13 7714 1913
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Horny girl and non horny girl have different views on life

Fav 12 4420 1300
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

Fav 21 5179 1439
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

Fav 29 1419 9849
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9034 5323
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

Fav 22 6970 2297
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

Fav 16 5336 1612
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

Fav 9 6432 1290
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

Fav 37 2541 8446
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

my sister just canceled her nose job because she thought it would hurt too much

(1-407): View more from Florida

It'll hurt less than being alone

Fav 12 4988 1594
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

Fav 65 7474 2095
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

Fav 20 6304 1183
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

Fav 15 5564 1461
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

Fav 61 19542 2389
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

Fav 12 4088 1199
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i wish i could just chop off my fat with a knife..i would rather endure that than work out

Fav 65 1868 4838
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

Fav 35 13047 1899
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

While my grandpa showed the family a slide show he accidentally included a topless photo of his new gf.

Fav 22 3624 8705
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

Fav 141 20465 2852
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

If it has a penis then it will be stupid. Just how it works.

Fav 62 1918 3228
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

why dont you just whore around college until someone loves you...thats how it works for girls isnt it?

Fav 52 2132 5057
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I think I'm going to go home and read The Bible.

Fav 26 1721 3354
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

Fav 11 6096 1550
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

you made me "pop lock and drop it" as a sobriety test last night..

Fav 19 6141 1001
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

if i'm ever as drunk as the girl in front of me... kill me.

Fav 1 1566 842
share tweet
(650): View more from California

The only birthday messages I got from men were from my 8th grade boyfriend and the bouncer at our bar. I think I'm doing something wrong in life.

Fav 6 952 4544
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

Fav 8 2650 988
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Who knew there were guys that wanted to only stalk you instead of date you? Count on me to find them!

Fav 5 1041 1291
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?

Fav 4 924 4569
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

when did we get to this "texting at random" level on friendship?

Fav 15 2521 933
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

Fav 68 4280 11959
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1831
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i wouldnt be suprised if in indian your name meant "walking lie"

Fav 11 1080 1879
share tweet
(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

Fav 23 2289 6945
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

Fav 34 6799 2209
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

So I just introduced myself to this guy in front of me and now he's saving my pictures on facebook to his phone..

Fav 18 936 4627
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm not a pervert.. I just like to be naked...

Fav 27 7116 1378
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

Fav 11 8161 1724
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...

Fav 11 904 5882
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

i just assumed he broke up with her because she wasn't a freshman anymore

Fav 16 4639 2133
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I am one bad relationship away from having 30 cats.

Fav 32 1424 5746
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

i literally laid in bad for an hour last night thinking of what i'm going to name my cats when i become a cat lady.

Fav 40 2073 6139
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Party in the USA is so catchy!

(863): View more from Florida

Yea, so is AIDS.

Fav 87 11982 2457
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna get drunk and through up on the first happy couple I see.

Fav 52 5475 1606
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

Fav 82 4783 5545
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

i just woke up to 15 people singing a whole new world

Fav 30 7135 1535
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

Fav 48 6429 1406
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

just skyped with my friend to listen in on the people talking shit about me in the library. creepy or strategic?

Fav 72 8369 1790
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"

Fav 64 5668 1447
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

he wouldnt have sex with me because his guild had a misson on world of warcraft.

Fav 345 3486 17943
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

Fav 12 1510 4502
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

Fav 51 18893 1734
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

so, totally just picked up a pack of red bull, and some magnum condoms and the old woman at the register's tone went from "hi blah how are you" to "oh....how YOU DOIN'?" she knew what was up

Fav 23 4011 889
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I am so gay it hurts my loins. Going to see She's Just Not That Into You... again. Ohhh my goodness.

Fav 3 1716 1089
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

Fav 77 39770 2393
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

dude relax anyone of us could have gotten that girl pregnant

Fav 25 1590 11209
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

Fav 125 15638 1771
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

Fav 61 3459 1593
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

Fav 39 20273 1573
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

Fav 20 6390 1118
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Im dancing with my grandma to Low right now at the wedding. There's no coming back from this.

Fav 22 1938 4266
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.

Fav 87 846 4617
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

Fav 55 12487 1499
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

As of tonight I have officially had sex during every Disney movie.

(443): View more from Maryland

im pretty sure thats the first step to being a pedafile

Fav 31 2574 5777
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

Fav 140 40094 2215
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

The smartest thing I've heard Obama do is call Kayne West a jackass

Fav 413 27020 4050
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

Fav 79 39335 2227
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41319 2575
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

Fav 13 1659 4465
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

isnt it creepy that our bodies make people

Fav 98 6410 1258
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

Fav 63 1586 14754
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

Fav 16 2767 3162
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.

Fav 38 1033 11954
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm playing with the baby I just found in your kitchen

Fav 34 7189 1774
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just because i have a masturbation problem doesnt mean you can put 20 photos of Jesus in my room.

Fav 61 5574 2626
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

If you die in college, do you die in real life?

Fav 42 9726 1482
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Pants on the Ground is the theme song of my life

Fav 67 6213 1554
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

Fav 64 17763 2112
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

Fav 85 4005 40868
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

Fav 225 8812 73988
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

Fav 24 11079 1191
share tweet