Texts From Last Night · naynay4's Favorites

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naynay4's Favorites Texts:

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm on my way to bail our sister out of jail with our mother's credit card. How old are we??

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(239): View more from Florida

Knowing there are different types of spiders in different countries and regions makes me never want to travel.

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(801): View more from Utah

For not being a nurse or a sex worker I have seen an alarming amount of penises.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Somehow his homemade liquor activated memories of my semester abroad three years ago. I ended up yelling random medical advice in German, while my roommates played dress-up with the cat stoned out of their minds. I consequently gave up on dating. Back in the ONS game.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I agree with that homeless guy though, you do need a haircut

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can you repeat that, but with context?

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well, after a pitcher of beer, I set my ex on fire. It was a little fire, he's fine. How's your night?

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(323): View more from California

You can fuck right off with that, "If the earthquake isnt bigger than 5.0, we native Californians dont get out of bed." I am from Chicago. I can handle freak flash floods, polar vortexes and tornados. But my bed violently shaking at 6:30 in the morning is cause for some understandable concern.

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(425): View more from Washington

Everywhere I look there's another kitten this is so ideal

(425): View more from Washington

Can I live on acid? Kittens man. Kittens.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I tried to feed the cat bread. I told her it was the body of Christ. That seemed to work.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

You don't have a cat...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

The convent might be a nice break from real life

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(503): View more from Oregon

I can see their wedding vows now: 'Til basicness do us part

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(630): View more from Illinois

I renamed some of my contacts in my phone before passing out and I have one I cant figure out, its "fucking house elf scum"

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I DID NOT GO INTO HOURS OF STRENUOUS LABOR FOR YOU TO LOOK LIKE A DOMINATRIX BARMAID ON A WEEKDAY. AT LEAST SAVE IT FOR THE WEEKEND GDI.

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(650): View more from California

This guy on tinder just told me that he wanted to tie me up and asked me what I thought. I told him I wanted tacos

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(315): View more from New York

I had a dream last night that Sam and Dean had to get rid of a murderous ghost haunting an elf on the shelf. I think I'm ready for Christmas to be over.

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(801): View more from Utah

The moment when you and your BFF compare frequently used emojis and realize you have similar mental disorders and a really weak alibi.

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(301): View more from Maryland

WHY DID YOU DRUNK DIAL MY MOM?!

(240): View more from Maryland

Because mine was sitting on the bar stool next to me...

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(214): View more from Texas

Stay strong! Remember we're too uncoordinated to be strippers to make money instead of being a nurse

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm recreating the you're a wizard harry video with a guy on snapchat whilst having snapchat sex with another... Adulting is fun

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(301): View more from Maryland

You told your family you're bi over the phone?!

(240): View more from Maryland

We were talking about exes and it just came out....and so did I.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Of all the kinds of relationships I've had in my life, I'd have to say, lab-partner-with-benefits takes the fuckin cake

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Apparently I drunkenly agreed to help the homeless. For once, I'm not disappointed in drunk me. Four for you, drunk self. You go, drunk self!

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(425): View more from Washington

Yiu ever laugh so hard you stop breathing? Turns out weed -can- kill you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dude, I totally just made my launch phrase on my new phone "Wingardium Leviosa" so that when people try it and it doesn't work I can say, "It's leveeOHsa, not leveeoh-SA."

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(816): View more from Missouri

Nooo. I was entirely happy pretending that my vagina only existed for peeing and releasing Satan's waterfall.

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(936): View more from Texas

I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.

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(206): View more from Washington

Like, yea, let's talk sexy but also...LOOK! I SAW A CAT!

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom just asked me if I knew what Buzzfeed was. Then said she's watching the second Magic Mike for the bodies. Please help.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Tight. Want to get up, make coffee, sit on separate couches and silently read our mobile devices together?

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(713): View more from Texas

Drunk you decided to patrol campus as the Arrow and tell random bystanders "YOU HAVE FAILED THIS CAMPUS." Campus P.D. did not join your crusade.

(1-713): View more from Texas

That explains the nerd bow & arrow...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

A toast to whoever set this year's daylight savings fallback to the day after halloween, granting us another hour to detox before we pretend to be functional adults. Clearly, a partier with forethought and clear priorities. Cheers!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Me and my liver are not on speaking terms.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You're dating a nurse! That's smart, you never know when you'll have a medical emergency. Probably liver failure.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Been trying to fuck him since december. Finally got him into bed and he was uncircumcised. Why do bad things happen to good people?

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(702): View more from Nevada

do I look like a person who has full control of their limbs and existence on this plane of reality

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(210): View more from Texas

"But puppies!" Is not an acceptable excuse for trying to drunkenly steal someone's dog, you promiscuous midget!!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Woke up naked next to Alex and he was braiding my hair and then commented on how healthy my hair was. I don't even know anymore..

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(519): View more from Ontario

Last night I had a sex dream about Trudeau, he hasn't even been prime minister for 24 hours

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today one of my patients offered me pot brownies. Medical school worth it. Living the dream.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

tonight at the bar some people told me that I have a sprit following me around.. that's the kind of shit that you laugh off till you're home alone.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

after what u told me last night I think we're past the wtf zone and at this point u should just join me in wondering if my barista lover is a gay porn star

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom got me high and then dropped me off at a church.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I've abandoned trying to find a logical explanation of your life.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My previously white toilet seat is now hot pink. I'm not sure why or how but I know it's your fault.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

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(562): View more from California

You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.

(310): View more from California

Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Nice. The Governor's son bruised my vagina.

(240): View more from Maryland

That's going to be the title of my memoir.

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There can only be one screw up per family and I was here first. Get your shit together bro

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like it is our duty to make homophobic people more afraid of us. They're never going to change, but maybe we can get to a "wrath of god" kind of worship-him-or-he'll-destroy-you-with-his-care-bear-stare type thing.

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(516): View more from New York

you know you're drunk when you start breaking down your body composition into organic molecules

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(585): View more from New York

My "lord keep me from stabbing a bitch" prayer has gotten a lot of miles today

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

at any given day I am at least 60% invested in my work. today I am staggered around 3.5%

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(775): View more from Nevada

she's a nursing student, i didn't think vomit would freak her out so much

(702): View more from Nevada

you puked ON HER

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Clearly you've confused me for someone who has their shit together, and honestly I have no idea how you did that.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm scrolling through our convo thread and all we talk about is pizza, alcohol & dick with the occasional "I miss you" thrown in.

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(816): View more from Missouri

God he's so convenient, drugs, an parties all in one person. He's like the Walmart of delinquency.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You were drink-wine-from-the-bottle drunk trying to take everybody's blood pressures again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

they asked me about my neuroscience major and I said 'the brain is the outer space of the body' and passed out. it appears my ivy league education is not going to waste

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(989): View more from Michigan

We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!

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(303): View more from Colorado

im questioning your sanity while also accepting your reality

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(239): View more from Florida

I sleep better at night when I win things. I never really weep for others.

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(281): View more from Texas

...Just this whole adulting thing gets in the way of mermaid drag shows at lesbian bars.

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(813): View more from Florida

There are far too many naked dudes in your apartment, and they aren't even watching porn. I mean seriously, they've got the Lion King on.

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(518): View more from New York

The CEO is puking on the sidewalk and the HR director just offered me coke. Engineers have the best parties

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(813): View more from Florida

I woke up to both of you drawing on me in sharpie, unless a glorious threesome was had the night before that is not okay.

(727): View more from Florida

Who says it wasn't?

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(773): View more from Illinois

How the fuck do you get a noise complaint filed against you at 9:30am on a fucking Tuesday?

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I just got smacked in the face by my cat. Apparently I'm supposed to be awake now.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why are friend nudes not more of a thing? My tits look awesome right now.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Great news. I WILL BE FUCKING IN A BOUNCY HOUSE TOMORROW.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My cat just smacked my blunt from my hand and then put her head in my hand. I don't know how to feel

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(630): View more from Illinois

Im including "no monologues past 1am" in the list of apartment rules. Theatre majors dude.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Taking care of drunk people fulfills my need to be a mother

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(301): View more from Maryland

she texted me 'with freud,' which i thought was drunk for 'i'm with my friend.' but nope, she was actually on a statue of the psychologist sigmund freud.

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(727): View more from Florida

I felt guilty, it was so good!

(1-727): View more from Florida

Guilty? Oh great, I give the Jewish mother-in-law of blowjobs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And if you ever tell anyone that I have emotions ill kill you

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drinks after work?

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

that question mark offends me.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's a cute bearded guy at this brew fest wearing a kilt and selling mead

(1-618): View more from Illinois

TELL HIM ABOUT MY DOWRY!!!

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(564): View more from Washington

Doesn't matter if you work at a funeral home. If the boss says get a keg, you get a keg.

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(806): View more from Texas

Ryan Reynolds is on sesame street right now. Dressed as a letter A but still sexy as fuck. PBS is so considerate of the stay at home mom.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm bonding with your girlfriend. I like her. We're plotting your demise.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Personally, I'm gonna be Sexy Dobby the House Elf.

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(408): View more from California

you just have the mind of an innocent, non-tainted child.

(479): View more from Arkansas

YOU KNOW THAT'S BULLSHIT BECAUSE YOU'RE THE REASON IT'S BULLSHIT

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im not sure if the cops that just came are strippers or actually cops

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(510): View more from California

this makes me concerned. not enough to actually do anything about it, but yeah.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Did you put Adderal in the fishtank in the lobby? The fish are acting like Olympic sprinters. Asshole.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I just felt emotion and I'm not okay with it

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(847): View more from Illinois

My brother is chasing tequila with vodka. Not sure how it will turn out, but I like his style.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, and let me go get some popcorn, watching you make your own decisions should be quite the shitshow.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Did we do drunk science last night? There's tequila in the test tubes...

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(706): View more from Georgia

fuck emotions I should've gotten more cats

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sense lesbianism

(703): View more from Virginia

That's a weird power

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(251): View more from Alabama

He wants another date...I mean he's cute, but I just am not ready to give up my glamorous single-girl lifestyle here.

(1-251): View more from Alabama

you mean the one where you drink out of the carton and don't wear pants?

(251): View more from Alabama

Yeah, and pee with the door open. It's the little things.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.

(919): View more from North Carolina

Both questions will answer each other.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There was a slutty maid costume on the floor when I woke up, but the house was trashed. Either she's been fired or got promoted, I'm not sure which.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I have major gossip for you.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh no, did you have sex last night?

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had sex last night I'd probably post it on facebook. It's been that long and I'd be that excited.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Also my bed has glitter in it for reasons I do not recall

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.

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(586): View more from Michigan

And I wasn't CONVICTED of a felony, I just committed one

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.

(1-740): View more from Ohio

I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..

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(206): View more from Washington

So they just told me that while I was being loaded into the ambulance the cop told them if they were good friends they'd post it on Facebook...

(425): View more from Washington

The subtweets were good enough

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(708): View more from Illinois

I had one beer! ONE BEER! They took shots in mourning of my tolerance last night. My ability to drink is a joke.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I understand why animals eat their young in the wild after watching your kid this afternoon

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(916): View more from California

Just had that moment when you realize the two drunk women shoving all their money down your clothes were your middle school teachers...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When you went off to sleep with that guy that looked like a dirty Jesus and I asked why all you had to say "trying to keep Christ in Christmas" and left. The Vatican called, you're going to Hell.

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(251): View more from Alabama

He must be a special kind of stupid to cheat on a women who works at a funeral home. Does he not understand you can get rid of dead bodies easier than most Americans?

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(409): View more from Texas

Fuck baseball, getting drunk and playing with kittens is the REAL national pasttime

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I think I might be harboring a Canadian in my womb.

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(213): View more from California

Please tell me you werent the one who replaced every beer bottle in my fridge with a picture of a baby kitten.

(201): View more from New Jersey

... and if i was..

(213): View more from California

Fuck. You.

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(360): View more from Washington

I found a half composed text to you this morning and all it said was HELP M. Is that how I ended up at the bottom of the stairwell in only a tee-shirt and one heel?

(1-360): View more from Washington

considering I never received the text I would go with 'yes'.

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(607): View more from New York

you started petting my head and said "there there, majestical unicorn. it won't be long before we get you back to neverland."

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(530): View more from California

red lips, whiskey sips, shaking hips, nipple slips. my life as a rap song.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tommarow we shall sacrifice the freshmen to the sun god

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(207): View more from Maine

my head feels like a yellow yolk spinning in a circle at the bottom of the bowl.. i may have a concussion, love auto correct

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(587): View more from Alberta

So after he broke the crutches and got us kicked out of McDonalds, we stole a bike and when we got back to the hotel, he jumped out the window into the bushes.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah when he is drunk, he seems to think he is Captain Americas Canadian counterpart, Captain Canuck

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

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(512): View more from Texas

We'll get you some ice cream, but no sprinkles. Sprinkles are for winners.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans

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(501): View more from Arkansas

DISHONOR ON YOU. DISHONOR ON YO FAMILY. DISHONOR ON YO COW

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've talked to too many cops in one week and I haven't even committed any crimes. I hate the suburbs

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(969): View more from

You ran through a field yelling "I'm frolicking! I'm frolicking!" Then fell on your face. How is your nose today, doll?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Do you know how to give stiches?

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I do not...this text concerns me

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm never drinking again. I saw way more penises than I ever cared to see last night. And I've decided that I'm going to live in Scotland.

(1-512): View more from Texas

I need an explanation for both of these epiphanies.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Can someone please explain where the fish in the mason jar came from when we were at a bar all night?

(803): View more from South Carolina

You told the bartender if he gave you one of the fish you'd go away

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(599): View more from

the fact that you trapped hornets in a mailing tube to put in his mailbox does not surprise me sadly.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I've done dumber things than this for flimsier reasons. Come with. If I pull it off I need a witness, and if I fail I need an escape plan.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Who told you that acid and Jurassic World was a good idea?

(945): View more from

dont remember, but I'm pretty sure I was convinced that the hybrid dinosaur was satan the whole time. It was actually very spiritual

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Stop it with the monkey emojis. It's like sexting with Curious George

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(847): View more from Illinois

Well, we all woke up in drag with no memory of why we were in drag. On the plus side, this shade of lipstick looks really good on me.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm really tired of this guy walking his chicken in my neighborhood.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I had sex with him in the back of my car in a duck onesie. I'm worth something dammit.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I found a briefcase foll of fireworks in my old bedroom...that's an appropriate thing to bring to a wedding, right?

(703): View more from Virginia

Look man if you're looking for a voice of reason, you're talking to the wrong woman.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Ran into my statistics professor at the bar, he chugged a car bomb and yelled "x bar mothfucker!". On average I'm loving this PhD program.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

He walked in on me banging his sister and said "you're both old enough to make you own decisions. Carry on"

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm slowly getting to where I don't hate people anymore.

(281): View more from Texas

Never mind. Some random dude just walked past me and asked if I was having fun. I snarled at him. I might still kinda hate people.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My frontal lobe is being piloted by Jack Daniels right now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have a cat for love and a booty call for sex. What else could I need?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Not a problem, sailor. I speak both autocorrect and typo.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No. I'm sorry but once your "would go gay for" list exceeds five people, you're bi. Get over it.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just banged your ex. So it really is 'him, not you' in that he's gay. Rodeo champion gay.

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(415): View more from California

I got high with the cantor. Rethinking this whole non-practicing Jew thing.

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(253): View more from Washington

I don't need to marry the guy. I just need some filthy, shameful wish fulfillment sex and then live out the rest of my life on the bean farm.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Clearly I'm trying to change the world one fuck at a time

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

you DO IT for the people

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yep. It's going to be us, strippers, and drag queens.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

A glittery, gay, heavily makeuped, scantily dressed clusterfuck.

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(347): View more from New York

I slept with an Israeli and a Palestinian in the same day. It feels wrong.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you really loved me, you'd support my weed habit.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

As the person who squeezed you out of my vagina, the answer is no.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Almost there.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

define "almost". like I have enough time to watch a youtube video or oh shit, put on some goddamn pants because they're in the driveway.

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(805): View more from California

Just had a talk about safe sex with my mom. Not about protection. About the very real possibility of a "penile fracture". Gotta love having a nurse for a mother.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My move is emasculating men with my superior intellect and it's not as charming when they can't see my huge rack.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Can I fire a pigeon out of a t shirt gun?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Nah it's alright, I'll just ride cock all the way to hell

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

did you just correct my grammar and then send me a photo of your dick?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Not gonna lie: had to look up how to spell fellatio. Not sure I spelled it right even now. Looks like a Shakespearean character. ENTER FELLATIO, SOLILOQUIZING.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are in my phone as "Thigh Gap" and you apparently work for "DO NOT DRUNK TEXT, INC." That is why I called you six times last night. So unless you take a second job at "NO DRUNK DIALING LLC" expect more. PS I am sober so this is legit.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

So the revenge porn my ex posted just resulted in a contract with a gay porn company. I'm going to make $8,000 this weekend. That would a breakup checkmate. Are you joining me in the legislative committee hearing tomorrow?

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(925): View more from California

The dude is a cop how would I ever date a cop I wouldn't be able to talk about the first TWENTY-SEVEN years of my life!

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(727): View more from Florida

Why were you not born a dude?

(1-727): View more from Florida

Because god wanted to level the playing field

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He ran over from the bar to give me more singles because the stripper was doing gymnastics on me. He is a really great friend, just probably not the best boyfriend.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Take the weirdness of Japan and add the insanity of Florida and that's Jimmy

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(248): View more from Michigan

Did I put a bunch of spaghetti on you and then eat it off?!?

(810): View more from Michigan

That you did

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry that running around town like a frenetic wombat trying to find you KY jelly isn't good enough for you.

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(806): View more from Texas

i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw

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(214): View more from Texas

How does one acquire holy water?

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(563): View more from Iowa

I tried to flirt with him by saying "catholics are cool" and he handed me a cup of water so i called him jesus and thanked him for the wine

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(716): View more from New York

My cardio is walking around the office looking for free food.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like my cat and I are playing mind games. I need more friends.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Are you in a good mood because I stuffed you with enchiladas, ice cream, penis, and cuddles last night?

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(210): View more from Texas

Would it kill us to punctuate. That last text took me 5 min to read

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

As a heterosexual male nursing student, the odds are ever in my favor. My first semester has basically been The Horny Games. I've killed almost all of the competitors at this point.

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(419): View more from Ohio

250 people in this lecture & my prof asks who already drank green beer this morning& is drunk right now. I WAS THE ONLY ONE TO RAISE MY HAND

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(517): View more from Michigan

leave me alone I'm becoming one with nature and doing plant things

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not even 8 pm, or Saint Patrick's Day, and Kevin is drunk on my roof humping the air

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(734): View more from Michigan

Omg the world wants us to be better people

(541): View more from Oregon

I refuse

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(253): View more from Washington

I was "singing along to the Lego Movie" high. Everything was not awesome

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Phone keeps correcting good morning to "food moaning" and I like the way it thinks.

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(518): View more from New York

We just stood outside and debated the existence of mermaids for about 20 min. Is this what too drunk is?

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(212): View more from New York

You left me a drunk voicemail of you describing your pizza to me at 2 AM

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(203): View more from Connecticut

How the fuck did we end up at a strip club last night.. We started the night playing bingo at a church

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He told me I'm a small core of pure evil wrapped up in sweetness, gold, and puppies. He gets me.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

That is beautiful

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(208): View more from Idaho

I agree and I would be an awesome dog

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(514): View more from Quebec

I need a moral compass that doesn't always point to dick

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(765): View more from Indiana

Somehow you're a lightweight AND an alcoholic. Rare combo in one person. Well done.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Successfully defrauded the county government. What have you done today?

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(310): View more from California

Why is our fridge full of girl scout cookies and rum?

(951): View more from California

You told me to go grocery shopping.

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(830): View more from Texas

I'm drunk filing my taxes in a bar on a Monday afternoon in a Regular Show onesie. I think I'm starting to get the hang of this whole adult thing.

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(561): View more from Florida

Who looks around on a bright, sunny day and says, "you know what? Today I'm going to write gay dinosaur erotica"

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(210): View more from Texas

Obviously last night's theme was "Let's Make Bad Life Choices"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

SShout out to Barney the Dinosaur for teaching me how to sing the ABCs backward. I just scored a free pitcher.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

In other news: I massively over-caffeinated this morning. Everything is vibrating and I can SEE THROUGH TIME

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(989): View more from Michigan

She doesn't believe I only want to use you for sex. She has a much higher opinion of me than either of us do.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You were a cyclone of alcohol and bad decisions - like a gay Tazmanian devil

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(406): View more from Montana

Sam was like the mother fucking Moses of drunk and underage kids and he lead them to safety away from the cops. He's a hero that we deserve.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Simultaneously sexting while making brunch plans. Multitasking at its gayest.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While I appreciate the pity sex (seriously, THANK YOU) we should not do it 3feet away from my ex when he's passed out next time. Awkward.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm so cold without your freakishly high body temperature

(804): View more from Virginia

that's the equivalent to a normal girlfriends. 'I miss you' btw

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(850): View more from Florida

You're just a heartbreaker with a knitting problem

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(519): View more from Ontario

A blind guy just told me that even he could see i was gay and encouraged me to chat up the girl behind that counter bc he thinks we'd make a cute couple. Are all Canadians this helpful?!

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(917): View more from New York City

You know the party's good when you say "Never have I ever caused an emergency landing" and someone drinks

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(630): View more from Illinois

Finals week game: One shot for every psychological trauma I've been through that I have to explain in detail. Man I hate my major sometimes.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just took physics exam. I think this is one of those 'chuck it in the fuck-it bucket and become an art major' days

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am one with the molecules

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

They are going to name an STD after you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I think i'm the first person to get kicked out of a club while completely sober. Come outside please!!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?

(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions

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(540): View more from Virginia

THIS IS THE 11TH FUCKING COFFEE TABLE THAT YOU AND RICHARD CRASHED THROUGH.

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'm surprised me and Richard survived 11 of your coffee tables.

(540): View more from Virginia

YOU TWO ARE BUYING ME A NEW ONE I AM PISSED.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Are you saying being a wizard and going to hogwarts wouldn't be life changing, believe in magic you fucking muggle

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(314): View more from Missouri

doooooooo herrrrrrrrr

(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm out of practice. be my yoda

(314): View more from Missouri

put your penis in her you must.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You totally narrated your dogs thoughts for 2 and a half hours last night, and I was enthralled. I didn't say one word, I just listened.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(858): View more from California

I feel like I should remember what we did after leaving the party because apparently a llama was involved, but all I can manage is the part where I asked you to cuff my ankle to the bed so I wouldn't backflip away.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I don't think my professor is going to remember the Halloween party... or the fact that he made out with a priest.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Only time and a comprehensive case study of all of your relationships will tell.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude. He almost took three different girls home, all while dressed up as Amy Winehouse. If he goes as Kurt Cobain next weekend, we're screwed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I successfully convinced a drunk NDSU student that their school does not have a football team and another that they weren't in Fargo. I'm a dangerous sober shark in a sea of drunks.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I thought this guy walking back to the dorms with his black laundry bag was walking a black flamingo I'm not even kidding I had to take a break on a bench after that.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're my favorite person

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just had to pick up my "let's drink and make bad choices" hat, my banana suit and beer pong table from work. Until just then I couldn't figure out why I got fired.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your friend gave me you're number. I was the guy locked behind the book shelf.

(253): View more from Washington

I think you have the wrong number, but I hope you escaped your library-prison?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

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(516): View more from New York

On the way out the door to work grabbed the wine glass on the floor left for the ghost of Elijah and chugged it. PASSOVER.

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(309): View more from Illinois

There's a baby duck in my toilet. Fuck you.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

My backyard is filled with beer cans. You idiots turned our backyard into a redneck ball-pit

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

don't worry i won't let him get attached. I put on my Hulk onesie after sex and yelled I SMASHED YOU. never seen a guy looked so confused.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The two of us decided to throw a spur-of-the-moment parade and the next thing I know we're 4 miles down the road being followed by 65 drunk strangers

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(714): View more from California

And now to play every stoner's favorite game: Where the Fuck Did We Park the Car?! Disneyland Edition!

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(571): View more from Virginia

Homophobes nationwide are huddled in their bunkers tonight and I can't stop giggling. Could be the wine.

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(727): View more from Florida

So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?

(303): View more from Colorado

We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've made this amazing blanket/pillow cocoon combo and I am set for life in here.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Whenever someone tells me they've never met a bisexual, I feel like a majestic fucking unicorn.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We literally solved our fight using cat pictures on Instagram. True love.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You were carrying a 6 ft lamp that we stole on your back yelling "OHANA MEANS FAMILY AND FAMILY MEANS NOBODY GETS LEFT BEHIND"

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(727): View more from Florida

Lemme put it this way babe, at point you were naked in Target.

(813): View more from Florida

Where were you?

(727): View more from Florida

Laughing

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(847): View more from Illinois

I left her alone for a few minutes and she's already using a guy on his hands and knees as a chair while another guy is serving her margaritas.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He's under the table sobbing because he doesn't live in a taco if you ever get him this high again I will stab you

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your drunk naked friend is roaming the living room. Started roaming my room. Please come retrieve him

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well there's only 4 people in my class, we've watched a video, the instructors encouraged us to start using cocaine and now we are on break.

(541): View more from Oregon

It's been productive.

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(650): View more from California

Mom and I shoplifted today. Her idea.

(415): View more from California

Retirement sounds fun.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish I could just hang out in ERs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Handcuffed our DD to a naked stripper don't think he will try to sneak out

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He can pick locks you know

(919): View more from North Carolina

That's the reason for the naked stripper

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(415): View more from California

Dude I'm at a Marijuana dispensary party. They are giving away BAGS of edibles

(907): View more from Alaska

How do you keep ending up in these situations?

(415): View more from California

My dad is their accountant

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(417): View more from Missouri

For our final psych experiment, we're conditioning Tim to hump the nearest inanimate object and/or person every time he hears a Ke$ha song

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(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Wednesday is good, I needed the head count for the orgy, caroling can happen with as few as 2 people. There will be a pinata.

(856): View more from New Jersey

For the caroling or the orgy?

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(519): View more from Ontario

You thought there were zombies attacking us so you tried to tuck and roll out of a moving vehicle. Also you should consider wearing underwear

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(951): View more from California

What's dad's email?

(1-951): View more from California

askmom@cause.idk

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

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(432): View more from Texas

If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We fired a shoe out of a medieval cannon. I know not where we got either one.

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(949): View more from California

I asked Tony because I knew he wouldn't give me a lecture about consequences

(714): View more from California

???? Tony IS a lecture about consequences

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You kept hiding under tables and grabbing people's legs and shouting SHARK ATTACK.

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(516): View more from New York

mom how many of the songs from my childhood are mexican drinking songs?

(1-516): View more from New York

all of them.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I don't want to jinx anything but I may have found the one.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Cat or human?

(563): View more from Iowa

Human

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(587): View more from Alberta

We didn't mean to put a petting zoo in the elevator.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It was a mess. I sat on the kitchen floor with maple whiskey and cried into a bowl of poutine. I've never even been to canada

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am about five seconds from ripping off my clothes and throwing myself into the ocean to become a mermaid

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(707): View more from California

fries before guys. food before dudes. shakes before dates. chips before dicks. lemon bars before football stars. macaroni before screwin' tony. what i'm saying is please come to ladies' night

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(325): View more from Texas

I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

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(310): View more from California

one more hour of this work bullshit and I'm off to get high with your cat.

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(941): View more from Florida

Im going to hell in a hand basket. With a ribbon tied to my head. I'll be like a puppy for the devil.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He said I was really mad at him on Friday. Dude I fell asleep in all my clothes and shoes, with my flashlight on, on my phone... I could have been mad at the wall. It wasn't my classiest day.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You hit a new plane of existence as we all watched in awe

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I know we were going to go hiking today, but I don’t think I can face reality until Wednesday

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(317): View more from Indiana

Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Senior week was like trying to herd cats. Very drunk cats.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How do you keep manipulating these men into helping you?

(720): View more from Colorado

I'm a massage therapist with an oral fixation. It's not nearly as hard as you make it out to be.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your brother's naked in the courtyard again. Just a head's up.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(816): View more from Missouri

well one of us has to be wrong and it's not going to be me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't need a lecture. I'm 41. I know I'm an idiot.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have a to do list for the summer and thing one is figuring out my sexual orientation

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(210): View more from Texas

We should just do therapy together, clearly we have all the same issues. It's why we are friends.

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(530): View more from California

I may quit my job to go be a costumed Jedi at Disneyland.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Have fun in Vegas! Be safe, use condoms, and take a pic of Jon beforehand to give out when he goes missing. It will help the police.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This was my thought process as I drunkenly ran home: Whoa! I'm going so FAST! Why don't I run EVERYWHERE! ALL THE TIME! Then I peed in a bush and passed out on the ground.

(802): View more from Vermont

So basically you were a dog.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(810): View more from Michigan

Apparently we carried the stove upstairs. I Woke up with it in my room.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I still maintain we were not that drunk......

(810): View more from Michigan

Dude, Dimensionally it doesn't even fit in that stairway! We might have to knock a wall out to get it back down!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The teenager outdrank all of us. All. Of. Us. I woke up and she was getting everyone water and fruit snacks. I give up.

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(914): View more from New York

Rule #36, branched off rule 4: Dave stays on a leash in crazy settings. It keeps him good and gets you laid.

(917): View more from New York City

So essentially he's like a puppy you can bring to a bar? Retractable leash or chain then?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Idk what the interview would be like but I imagine you in a suit and tie surveying a nervous freshman and eventually leading him into a labyrinth of debauchery and clapping him on the back, saying "welcome to the fraternity, son"

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(925): View more from California

You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it

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(703): View more from Virginia

MY WHOLE FAMLY IS TALKING ABOUT MY BUTT

(912): View more from Georgia

WAIT I'M COMING I WANT TO TALK ABOUT IT TOO

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Dude. I've been high for so many hours now that I'm just accepting this as my new reality.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I CAN ONLY BE THE BIRDIE ON YOUR SHOULDER WHO LEADS YOU INTO BAD DESCISIONS

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(443): View more from Maryland

So I've been spending my morning trying to figure out if there's a corealation between Wednesday margarita night and the boat that's now in my living room.

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(602): View more from Arizona

You realize that if you get murdered while we're talking, I'm gonna have to explain to your next of kin why the last thing on your phone is a picture of my boobs.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Your brother just walked into my room, pissed drunk and butt naked, got into my bed and fell asleep. In knowing I am gay, you have one hour to deal with him before I do

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just tried to brush my hair with a can opener. Who gave you that brownie

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(773): View more from Illinois

There. Isnt. A. Single. Person. Who. Is. Not. High. At. Church.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

All I've consumed in the last 24 hours is cranberry vodka and kosher for passover biscotti

(615): View more from Tennessee

That's what happens when you party with the tribe

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Metaphysical thesis on the illusion of self+ 2 day adderal binge = the walls of reality are crumbling

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(440): View more from Ohio

my night stand is a mini fridge, dont even try to get on my level of laziness.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook

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(914): View more from New York

Just checked in with my friend who walked in on us. He thinks you two had a spiritual connection and he's bugging out

(914): View more from New York

He was also rolling face on molly so his perception of divinity might be slightly off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

do you ever just look around and think about how great it is to have depth perception? Like it's really, really cool when u think about it

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point, you're going to have to talk to a tree and do what it says

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(613): View more from Ontario

After last night, I think I need a service animal to monitor the life choices I make when I'm inebriated. A monkey, or a clever dog. Or a really assertive parrot.

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're keeping you on a leash this Saint Patrick's Day

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She's chasing her own tail and is afraid of her own feet. My stoner cat, ladies and gentlemen.

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(716): View more from New York

I wanna go back to school and change my major to psych just to make a case study out of her

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(250): View more from British Columbia

doing the walk of shame back to your house in nothing but a bed sheet was definitely not one of my proudest moments..

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(805): View more from California

I'm gone to the point of literally hugging trees, partially for support, but also because I like them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

If someone told me one person in the department was secretly a death eater, I would suspect her, no contest.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?

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(408): View more from California

If you sleep with him again I'll have you spayed

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Can't find our DD

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

He's backstage giving the strippers foot massages.They kidnapped him the moment he walked thru the door.

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(347): View more from New York

It's official. This guy and I are going gay for each other. We're tasting the fucking rainbow.

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(516): View more from New York

You just stood up, raised your glass and said, "I'd like to thank the academy" then fell through a glass table. THAT'S why we cut you off.

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(407): View more from Florida

What if there is no right person? Maybe it's just the right cat. Or the right 12 cats.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm basically your average "grandpa stuck in a 28 year old woman's body" - i'm super passionate about retirement and crossing on the walk signal.

(440): View more from Ohio

and SLEEP god I love sleep

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(678): View more from Georgia

just remember the most important rule of taking psychedelics: monsters can't get through blankets

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea, their son has been arrested on more than one occassion, their daughter is pregnant and their other daughter graduated but she was adopted, so clearly genes are everything.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(607): View more from New York

I tried to steal a Mike's Hard sign last night but it didn't work out

(253): View more from Washington

why what happened?

(607): View more from New York

Well it was going fine.. until the bouncer noticed the three foot steel lemon sticking out of my jacket.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

How the fuck am I supposed to enjoy a third ice day from school if I only bought enough alcohol for 2?

(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know, maybe act like an adult who teaches children for a living

(318): View more from Louisiana

It's like we're not even friends

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed

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(562): View more from California

I was gonna drive but when i tried to use telekinesis to get my keys, I knew I shouldn't be driving

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(415): View more from California

You kept sacrificing me last night. You would just yell out "Virgin Sacrifice!!" and then throw me into a circle of men.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

No now I'm curious!

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(208): View more from Idaho

He gave me the "find somebody who wants to date you for who you are" speech while I walked around the house asking people for pants.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I have work in an hour and I'm having trouble with concepts such as 'staying upright' and 'staying conscious'. Tie me to your wrist next time we go out drinking,

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(310): View more from California

You popped the Plan B pill then clapped twice, said "mischief managed" and headed tward the bar.

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm gonna make a therapist very happy and very wealthy this semester.

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(940): View more from Texas

Like, I just want to be naked rolling around in soft things.

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(315): View more from New York

you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain

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(269): View more from Michigan

He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.

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(512): View more from Texas

You disappeared for 10 minutes. Then came back with nothing but your boxers and a life jacket on to tell us we were all screwed when the flood came and you would be the only survivor.

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(310): View more from California

I'm gay. Congratulations to whoever had January 2014 in their pool.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I got custody of our girlfriend in the breakup.

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(310): View more from California

Should I get the rainbow boxer breifs???

(818): View more from California

As your boyfriend, this is a level of gay that even I can't handle.

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