Texts From Last Night · princessevlbunny's Favorites

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Showing up at the grocery store at 5am to have the clerk sprint to the condom cabinet waiving the keys because you told him to hurry it was an emergency

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He kept coming back from the bar with hotter girls and just left with two...I feel like I just witnessed something amaZing. Like meeting Jesus and finding out he has no morals either

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Do ugly people know they are ugly?

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

The quiet ones do.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

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(904): View more from Florida

my shower just felt like jesus cried on me. like he shed tears just for my shower.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I would not wish his dick upon my worst enemy

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(407): View more from Florida

I think we should start referring to bisexuals as "strays"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

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(256): View more from Alabama

It may be that your sole purpose in life is simply to serve as a warning to others..

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(517): View more from Michigan

New favorite sorority...they made me pancakes in the morning and welcomed back the walk of shame girls with a round of applause

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(410): View more from Maryland

i refuse to live in a world where loud threesomes in your own apartment are referred to as "rude"

(913): View more from Kansas

did you yell "are you not entertained?"

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(619): View more from California

If I could pick any std, I would pick genital herpes. Seriously. Have you seen the commercials? The lady is riding a fucking bike, swimming, and on a date. I have a perfectly fine vag and all I do is go to the library.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(585): View more from New York

that girl from work that wants to bone me just said 'the last time i went this long without sex was in jail'. sup, red flag

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I'm so hungover even the car commercials make me nauseas

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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(219): View more from Indiana

NoDDING MY HEAD LIKE uyuEAH MOViUNG MY HiPS LioKe YEAhhhhhhhhhhh

(1-219): View more from Indiana

wow.

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(469): View more from Texas

It's like my work doesn't even care about margarita mondays.

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(561): View more from Florida

So there is this guy preaching the word of God outside our club. I went up to him and said, "God made this body, and he made it for premarital sex." Sup, Hell?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I think I've reached that age where I should start dating "congrats" and not "are you keeping it?"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(443): View more from Maryland

booty call hours are between 1:30-3:00 AM thurs-sat with the exception of major drinking holidays and election days. please try again

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

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(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

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(586): View more from Michigan

You were doing karaoke. Then you screamed "SHOUTOUT TO ADAM LAMBERT" and started making out with the very surprised looking guy next to you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

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(607): View more from New York

flashcards smell like vodka and my textbook is in the toilet. ready for the final

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(646): View more from New York

My mom said she was relieved to see that I'd gained some weight bc she's "always worried" that I might have AIDS.

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just farted in public and tried to sniff it all up before anyone noticed...do you think that actually works?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I can't see straight with both eyes and ive only been at the bar for an hour. Someone else typed this for me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ps i'm pretty sure i was blacked out when we hooked up? good thing i was w. you and not an actual diddler or an organ harvester

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

Hahaha. Shut up you were blacked out my ass. U were str8 mixin it up with urs truly like it was ur J-O-B

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(503): View more from Oregon

#1 lesson to be learned from mardi gras this year: lock your car doors or some grimy dude like me might just bang in it and use your backseat as a kleenex

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(706): View more from Georgia

You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

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(505): View more from New Mexico

There is a pube in my fucking eyeball

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(609): View more from New Jersey

And nobody saved him?? That chick had like three teeth TOPS

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(505): View more from New Mexico

My toast was "here's to being positive, and testing negative... Cheers!"... after that chick gagged on her shot, everyone knew.... slut.

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(415): View more from California

How am I supposed to spread my seed with you "modern women" and your birth control?

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(415): View more from California

sorry for the blank pocket text. My penis obviously has nothing to say to you.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Seriously. Destroy her vagina. Do it like an angry baboon mating with a gentle manatee.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I've got my laundry in the car, tonights 1 night stand pre-req is an in suite washer and dryer. Let's do this!

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I looked at you and you stared at me dead in the eyes then sprayed febreze at your crotch and winked.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Yes, I did know where her mouth had been, but frankly I think it was a lesson you needed to learn.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(805): View more from California

I just woke up to a guy kissing me goodbye and leaving for class. I don't know where I am, don't have any clothes on, my underwear are gone, and the shoes I found with my dress aren't mine. He just walked in and gave me my phone. I was on my period. Come get me I will walk to the nearest intersection and wait.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(317): View more from Indiana

my wrists were so small for the handcuffs, i could slip them off and hand the tow truck driver my keys....

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(631): View more from New York

I'm not gonna lie. having my legs shaved for me in the morning was a lovely surprise.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The ratio of how much he pisses me off to how much sex i get just isnt working out for me

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(404): View more from Georgia

Do you ever go through someone elses pictures and just appreciate the fact that youre not really friends with them?

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(623): View more from Arizona

just saw an old couple make out...not too sure how I feel about it. though I will admit at one point I was thinking "oh yeah! get that!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(731): View more from Tennessee

can we take a shower together?

(901): View more from Tennessee

no need for the romantic shit. I'm a sure thing

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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(347): View more from New York

We have had massive layoffs this year, yet the guy who cant flush his shit seems to still have a job

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(443): View more from Maryland

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(913): View more from Kansas

you should be back in the room by now but just so you know. you passed out at the black jack table and they wheel chaired you out. strip club in about 45 minutes. game face bro.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(323): View more from California

Your dad needs a mid life crisis affair thing, I could totally be that girl.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it would be nice to just get drunk, not hook up with anyone, and not die this weekend

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(757): View more from Virginia

I murdered the dance floor call the cops

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(716): View more from New York

I started making my dollar bills into rings for the strippers

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(917): View more from New York City

Oh, and my friends believe you should reimburse me for the brazilian that was gone to waste.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Give me the approximate price and I'll give you the equivalence in blowjobs.

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(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I think she would actually eat a penis if anyone was brave enough to let one near her mouth

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

FYI... At my funeral, it will be your job to throw yourself dramatically onto my casket.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean i'm ok with bufu but if i'm gonna do it it needs to be a mutual agreement, and there are steps that need to be taken. you don't just go OOPS we're doing it now

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(706): View more from Georgia

She devotes each year to either men or women. I waited all year for her to be straight, tonights the night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(956): View more from Texas

Wasted at the beach. Toasting underage, overdeveloped girls. God bless 'em.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

and then he said that the only reasonable explanation as to why I got swine flu was because all I ever do is join the bandwagon

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(561): View more from Florida

I just came to the conclusion that the most depressing part of my day is when I have to put clothes on.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(801): View more from Utah

I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She just did a bodyshot off herself. I don't care that it's only seven thirty, come pick her up.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would like to thank collapsed soviet republics and fathers who didnt show enough attention for tonight's festivities

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(619): View more from California

You stood next to him taking HUGE gasps of air in an attempt to second hand smoke his cig because you didn't have one...

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(713): View more from Texas

She told me to wait on the sofa while she freshened up. She's been in the bathroom for an hour. I have a bad feeling about this.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just got a booty call..Its 6 pm..a brave attempt to climb the rotation ladder..I like his ambition.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(678): View more from Georgia

yeah i just made her a character on oregon trail and i hope she gets dysentry and dies. that'll show her.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Reason #3 women are better than men: texting and peeing simultaneously. Write THAT in the fucking snow.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why does he think he needs to feed/take me out to get some ass? we are at a bar wasting my fucking time

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

The best thing happened. Some guy was butchering Conway Twitty at karoke and the power went off in the whole bar. And someone shouted "you pissed jesus off when you messed with conway!"

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Girl in front of me has spent the class alternating between playing farmville and the tiffany's website looking at engagement rings. Every once in a while she holds her hand up to the screen.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

She doesn't deserve the breathe the same air that we do.

(513): View more from Ohio

She just bought a cow and we've moved on to looking at wedding dresses.

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i am exhausted. it's been years. we both know his dick is small. the jig is up.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(212): View more from New York

I just saw a Puerto Rican child between the ages of 8 and 11 with a faint mustache talking very loudly on the bluetooth in his ear about how "Skittles are played the fuck out"

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(720): View more from Colorado

So i just got diagnosed with swine flu. im at walgreens looking like shit and this guy keeps staring at me. Im so gonna cough in his face.

(970): View more from Colorado

well, dont

(720): View more from Colorado

I didnt. i just coughed then looked at him menacingly. he got it.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(714): View more from California

I'm cooking a can of baked beans on the baseboard heater. It is too early in the semester to be this poor.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just looked in the bathroom mirror before getting to this exam to see If I look as bad as I feel & the answer is no. I look amazing, even in yesterday's clothes

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Working out to an exercise video on OnDemand. Also, drinking beer and eating cream cheese with a side of bagel in between stretches.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(925): View more from California

He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.

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(716): View more from New York

i bet even starving children in Africa take the crust off their poptarts

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can't talk. I'm at the Tulsa Sheriff's office with a bunch of rednecks. I bet I'm the only one that voted for Obama.

(515): View more from Iowa

I bet you're the only one who could read the ballott.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

she said my body looked tiny like it was a bad thing and then didn't even mention how great my tits look. it's like we're not even friends.

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(916): View more from California

She went off on a twilight/new moon tangent before we even got back to my room. i had to jump the ship and pretended to pass out on the sidewalk.

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(360): View more from Washington

i don't have parental supervision. i'm gonna start accepting candy from strangers now.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."

(817): View more from Texas

I was drunk but it's true

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(917): View more from New York City

I have had it with that bitchy sack of crazy. Iam done!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i guess its not very common for a paramedic to have to revive someone who was struck by a falling shampoo bottle while getting off from the bathtub faucet.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(949): View more from California

I'm gonna start referring to my vag as my ladygarden

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think god was stupid personally. The clit should be inside the vagina. Idiot.

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(815): View more from Illinois

you would think someone who fights for his country could fight to last longer than 2 minutes

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(702): View more from Nevada

Guy at red light looking at porn. I'm waiting for him to look over at me so I can shake my head and he can feel bad

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(773): View more from Illinois

it was almost as awkward as hearing my parents on friday nights in 2 in the morning starting, and than hearing at 2:01 my dad getting up and my mom going "i should have married a man"

(708): View more from Illinois

I hate myself for saying your mom and I have the same friday nights.

(773): View more from Illinois

don't worry... so do I

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(317): View more from Indiana

ya ever know whats down there. always send some fingers in first to scout the situation. fingers are not used for pleasure. they're used for covert missions.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry for the crack den comment. You have a lovely apartment.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's one of those mornings where you are proud of yourself just for waking up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There was this creepy guy on the bus. So I puffed out my stomach & began so hold my stomach like I was preggers.

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(513): View more from Ohio

what's Bukake?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

a bad idea.

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(905): View more from Toronto

when your english prof writes "this was a real good paper" on your essay, you know you're at the wrong college

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(708): View more from Illinois

I knew my chances of getting laid had increased after she walked into my room and yelled "DICK TIME"

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(269): View more from Michigan

dude she's married.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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(818): View more from California

Just seen on a tshirt : "fake titties taste funny"

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(281): View more from Texas

He made sure to throw up on the Mexico side of the border while we were in line at the check point. Then finished by screaming you an have it back. You can have it all back.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(817): View more from Texas

I need to shower the guilt off of my thighs.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should probably just propose to him the old fashioned way: sleep with him and get pregnant.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(989): View more from Michigan

i don't think my life will be extraordinarily more meaningful if i let him put his tongue in my butthole.

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(817): View more from Texas

HOnestly. That's my one goal for this whole trip. I don't give a shit about souvenirs or sand. I want penis.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

UD be completely fine. you don't lose control just keep a positive environment. for example i really want to lick the wall cause red is delicious but i don't have to.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I just saw a kid drop his lollipop on the floor of best buy, kick it because he was pissed off and then pick it up and eat it. I think I have a long lost son.

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So I pulled my t-shirt down, pushed my boobs up and marched right into that church!

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"

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(757): View more from Virginia

Seriously just heard: "we need some good ass wine. how bout this swa-vig-non blank"

(201): View more from New Jersey

hahahaha. Oh virginia: where the south begins

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My balls are about to become a huge part of your mouth's life

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(562): View more from California

hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Once again you get dinner and all I get is semen on my leg

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You ran away and I found you three blocks later lying by a dumpster because "that's where your life belongs"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.

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(904): View more from Florida

ID DO HER

(1-904): View more from Florida

SHE HAS LUMPS OF DEODORANT IN HER ARMPIT, I THINK ONE FELL IN YOUR DRINK

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

living well may be the best revenge, but it doesn't hurt that my exhusband is now dating a BEAST.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just blew up the bathroom at work and now I feel like a new woman

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(720): View more from Colorado

morning outfit: hottub soaked skirt. no underwear. someone's bandanna worn as a shirt. took me an hour to walk home. this isn't fun anymore.

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(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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