Texts From Last Night · angrypenguin1130's Favorites

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angrypenguin1130's Favorites Texts:

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My mom has finally acknowledged my soft spot for Russians. Finally.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

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(320): View more from Minnesota

He's bought his dick a cell phone. A cell phone. For his dick...

(320): View more from Minnesota

He gave me the number and told me that I if I want to hook up again, I have to call his penis.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She sat on the toilet backwards so that she could hold onto the back part for balance. No she's not ready to go home.

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(561): View more from Florida

I just won a riveting game of "who can drink the most vodka out of a hollowed out watermelon". Fucking New Yorkers.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Seriously though, you almost tore my right nipple off.

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(516): View more from New York

Bunch of Navy warships just sailed into New York Harbor for Fleet Week. Nobodys getting laid this weekend.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Everybody in the immediate area is hooking up like it's doomsday

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

WHY AM I NOT THERE?

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I woke up with a black eye, bruised knuckles, wearing women's clothing, in a house I did not recognize, next to a solid 9. Thank you for making 21 special.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

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(415): View more from California

also, the amount of semen in my carpet right now is unforgivable...

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(310): View more from California

Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(512): View more from Texas

She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(775): View more from Nevada

Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(530): View more from California

You looked at my sister and yelled at her saying in a couple of years she will be yours

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(863): View more from Florida

my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(518): View more from New York

I'd rather just be alone, than deal with this bullshit. I just want to be alone. Cats and vibrators never let you down.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me she loves her boyfreind while she was giving me head. He must be a nice guy

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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(631): View more from New York

Sitting on an airplane reeking of booze, sex and shame while surrounded by families coming home from Disney. This is not one of my finer moments.

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(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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(505): View more from New Mexico

As a fat white girl from Texas I can honestly say that she gave fat white girls from Texas a bad name.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(805): View more from California

Where the hell is he. I called him crying for weed and sex you would think that would signal some urgency.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(775): View more from Nevada

That's the kind of break up sex that keeps couples together. Damn.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He broke up with his gf yesterday so he could give me our annual Christmas sex at midnight.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Marry him. Now.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(812): View more from Indiana

There is nothing more demoralizing than exchanging 150 dollar Christmas gifts with a girl your not sleeping with

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(917): View more from New York City

every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

His dick is longer than my foot and I'm a size 9. I'm literally kicking myself in the vagina

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(618): View more from Illinois

I just want to know who nailed the chicken nugget to the door.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What's the most polite way to say "Congrats on losing weight, but no one is happy your boobs got smaller."

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I had her number in my wallet, I was sitting on a winning ticket for the blowjob lottery and didn't know

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

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(248): View more from Michigan

My worst case scenario tonight is that I fuck a hot Swiss girl. Let that give you perspective on my life at the moment.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Nypd just made jon and hayes chug their forties.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just shook hands with the bud light truck driver, thanked him for his service to our country

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(513): View more from Ohio

College freshman give noticeably better blowjobs by the 5th week of the semester.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude I live in a fucking closet and still get laid every weekend. Figure it out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

you know I love you but I need to see your friends tits

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(813): View more from Florida

I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am literally sitting on the toilet in utter disbelieve that last night even happened. My god that was only Monday.

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(512): View more from Texas

I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.

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(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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(408): View more from California

Is there a fine for having sex in the back of a zipcar?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i just like, need to vent to someone

(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(319): View more from Iowa

Its not that I'm getting free haircuts... Its just that she is paying for sex with haircuts...

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(914): View more from New York

The girls we hooked up with were hammered, pushing each other in a shopping cart into the sushi place and through the restaurant... One's a volunteer EMT. God help her patients.

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(585): View more from New York

What's the over under on catching something from your sister?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Thanks again for allowing my sister to lose her virginity on your bed.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(210): View more from Texas

remind me not to fuck anymore half bald 20 year olds. because obviously there's attachment issues

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(860): View more from Connecticut

could you please not use my mortar and pestal for its intended purpose? i just snorted cracked black pepper.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Thanks for stopping me from letting that 14 year old feel my boobs. Thanks.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(912): View more from Georgia

He had me saved in his phone as "Dick Socket". Lets see if I ever fuck him in a bathroom again.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(380): View more from Ohio

She broke both of her ankles trying to jump off the balcony. it's like every time she drinks she makes even more impressively bad decisions than the last time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I like yr title more along "the hot Russian I have sex with."

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have been way too involved with your nipples this weekend

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(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

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(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(360): View more from Washington

Woke up this morning with a junior police officer sticker over my nipple this morning.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(806): View more from Texas

Just put a dog collar on someone's child.....was a great hit with everyone but his mom.......I think she hates me. I'm okay.with that

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(309): View more from Illinois

I stole so many things from the ER last night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(407): View more from Florida

Desperately trying not to throw up over the side of the ferry back to CT. Can't be the first one of the season.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just wanna let u know that we are almost on the pity blow job level of our friendship.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's official. 2011 is the year of sport fucking

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

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(+61): View more from Australia

You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.

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(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he literaly had a hockey helmet on and was swan diving off the couch onto the coffee table.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I wanna get "leaving my dick in charge" drunk.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just gave some kid head in the library. Perfect way to end the semester.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

She's a virgin AND a minister's daughter. We're one schoolgirl outfit from the dear penthouse trifecta

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(816): View more from Missouri

I would totes be making out with random people in the name of america if I was at the white house right now

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She asked if you knew her boyfriend, and you responded that you "think you gave him head once" and then hiccupped.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I fucked her and then she made me sleep on the floor next to her bed because she 'has a committment problem'

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(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm riding in a wheelchair, being pulled by a golf cart. You need to be here.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Also I smoked away my sore throat last night. It's a 420 miracle.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Staying in I think. Boyfriend has domesticated me. I'm making eggs naked right now. Also really high.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I sorta feel bad for the actual person in my fake id that got a drunk in public charge.

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

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(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

she had that "i just got used" look on her face when i kicked her out at 5am

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You were yelling in my ear let's double team her with her right next to us

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why is the word 'best' written on my chest?!!

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

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(817): View more from Texas

I guess wearing a straight up bikini to class is an early indication that Thirsty Thursday has started.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(707): View more from California

I had to step in when you tried to make it rain baking powder on my sister

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we fucked the fort apart but we'll rebuild it after we get some drinks.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We were both halfway out the window trying to give each other high fives over the roof while the dude was going 150.

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(203): View more from Connecticut

then he tried to convert me to islam

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(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just to be safe, you should be prepared to jump out of a second story window

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(678): View more from Georgia

I got lit on fire and andy went to jail last night. Totally unrelated incidents though.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You were shirtless with a cowboy hat in 15 degree weather then u shotgunned a can of mixed vegetable Progresso soup

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Somebodaw call 311 postw fire bunso on vietena floorwnkd

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(207): View more from Maine

well we could tame deer to let us ride on them. does that work?

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(940): View more from Texas

Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(316): View more from Kansas

Watching tv. She's giving me head and she hates it when I watch her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I actually want to hang out with her with our clothes on. That's a big step up for me.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

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(330): View more from Ohio

what's with the bloody hand print on the hood of your car

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

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(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(661): View more from California

I couldn't open my car door and for a second I thought they were taking me to an intervention circle.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(406): View more from Montana

It happened again. Now theres even more baby powder and its all over the place, I'm not cleaning that house.

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My goal for tonight: make tomorrow as awkward as humanly possible.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Dude, she introduced me to her best friend form Russia and she was a 10. Her other Russian friend was even hotter. How did communism fail?

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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(708): View more from Illinois

bro im too drunk for your spanish code words. did you fuck her or not.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(305): View more from Florida

Honestly, I don't care if the only reason she gave me her beer was because she was bisexual and wanted to touch my vagina. Beer is beer.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it was like getting a handjob from robocop

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(954): View more from Florida

I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

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(310): View more from California

If him repeating sorry while thrusting isn't makeup sex than I don't know what else is

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(614): View more from Ohio

All I saw was a beagle come across the screen and explain the theory of relativity to me and leave

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we did fuck in his chapter room. yes it was demeaning. and yes, they probably will discuss it at chapter tonight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(530): View more from California

the trick is not to think about where her tounge has been.

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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(214): View more from Texas

she had a concussion and she still scored nine points higher than me on the midterm

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(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Don't worry, nothing happened....but we should have a fire extinguisher here.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They had to restock the bar 3 times before midnight. There is a bridesmaid dress hanging in a tree outside.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

life is no where near the amusement park it was when I was on Vicodin.

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(631): View more from New York

He looked me straight in the eye when he was fingering me last night...it was very serial killer.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(432): View more from Texas

the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(631): View more from New York

Drunk tip #47: Its better to overestimate how many plastic bottles itll take to urinate in, rather then underestimate.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said I wasn't helping her abandonment issues by not responding to her texts at 4 am

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(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

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(404): View more from Georgia

just fought my dog for the chicken pie I dropped on the floor.

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(316): View more from Kansas

i was thoroughly upset that he did not want to be my number 16, who passes that number up?

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(310): View more from California

...She just said, "We've been blessed with good drugs lately."

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(760): View more from California

I had a nursing patient tell me that her favorite drink was vodka and ensure...called it a colorado bulldog

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just watched the couple I sit for and 4 of their friends shotgun beers like college kids. Please let this be us when we get older.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We just saw him running from campus police a few minutes ago. So no, I don't think he's still passed out on the quad.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(281): View more from Texas

His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He introduced me to his parents as the girl he made out with on Thursday night...

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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(705): View more from Ontario

Threw a lawn chair at the neighboors dog. I think I killed him. Come here and assess this

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I had to call maintenance to come unclog the toilet.

(347): View more from New York

Something to remember me by.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

im so poor im using the bottom of my laptop to heat my food.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(434): View more from Virginia

She played chubby bunny with our cocks.. She got 4

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(231): View more from Michigan

i don't care what she did to you. we are not having sex in front of your sister.

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(310): View more from California

ohhhh fuckk. chicks a dude.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(650): View more from California

I envy the lives of milf's kids, the little kid grabs her tits and she just laughs and says not now

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Why are you covered in frosting?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Friend's birthday situation turned into enlightened cake orgy.

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(714): View more from California

It's too hard to jack off and hold an ipad at the same time

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(210): View more from Texas

drunk making out is the fucking beeeest. specially when it's your exboyfriend

(1-210): View more from Texas

I wonder if you'll be as excited about this as you are now tomorrow morning.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I have 250 contacts there has to be someone sober to take me to taco bell

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There is a woman in the bar breastfeeding a baby. Doing shots. Gotta love maryland Applebees.

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(856): View more from New Jersey

There are 9 condoms on my bed either i met the greatest girl ever last night or something horrible has happened.

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(478): View more from Georgia

I swear my cock is like a magnet to my friends younger sisters mouths.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

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(807): View more from Ontario

Max was wondering if he could trade you sex for the use of your jumper cables

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(626): View more from California

she won't be coming home tonight because she tried stealing a baby giraffe from the zoo

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

my mom told me that she didn't count me in the census because im a waste of life anyway.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now there are nude photos of that bangin hot Russian spy chick...this is officially the best scandal ever.

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(404): View more from Georgia

dude all my bootycalls are going to Eclipse tonight... Do I really want it that bad?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are you still giving blowjobs?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Who is this?

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(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

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(424): View more from California

I woke up on the stairs at of a Disneyland hotel. Yes, my night was amazing.

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(718): View more from New York

at russian wedding, no open bar. bottles of vodka at table. getting to work tomorrow may be an issue.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

there are two kinds of girls in this world: my mom, and sluts.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(509): View more from Washington

He gave her the shocker .. I didn't know people really did that.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

At least you weren't that one girl in the bar that was letting everyone draw on her in sharpie. Worst decision I've ever witnessed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to his little sister feeling me up. I guess it's time to meet the family.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I imagine the nuva ring like a bug zapper. It just kills them all.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(408): View more from California

How did currency from Costa Rica make it's way into my wallet...?

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(206): View more from Washington

at first i was worried but she assured me her frail vegan body would have no chance at conception.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I literally have been drunk for three days entirely by myself, the world cup may kill me

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(980): View more from North Carolina

i made two phi delts show me their dicks in less than 30 words! Take that twitter!

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't remember him, but he's saved in my phone as "uh oh zbt"

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(970): View more from Colorado

let's put it this way: i'm gonna stop drinking and get a gym membership. she's that hot

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(509): View more from Washington

Is a box of franzia too insincere of a gift for "i'm sorry I backed into your toddler with my car"?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing worse than listening to you two fuck all night was waking up and smelling bacon and there not being any left.

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(845): View more from New York

tagging him in all 73 close-ups of your cleavage might have been a little obvious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

what was i supposed to do!? wake up and actually ask her name??

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well to be completely honest its more of a 'i wanna do things to you that your parents would not enjoy hearing about' mood

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just found out my mom tried to sue the birth control company when she got pregnant with me...love you too mom.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He just said "wow, thats some rly nice hair! And those teeth..thosee are some cool teeth"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just saw her punch a kid in the face.. i always knew she was the girl for me.

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(716): View more from New York

she actually told me to ignore the cokeheads in the corner with knives.

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(541): View more from Oregon

Like reprimanding the wall for "sneaking up on me" drunk

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I doubt the Taliban would support fake nipples.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just saw some girl biking on campus with a babyseat on the front. Baby included. Do you know how many points that'd be worth?

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(208): View more from Idaho

I don't care if its bassically 3rd world. A country without a drinking age is a country without a drinking age.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Also, our mothers are placing bets on which of us will get pregnant first.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

failed my one goal of the day: wake up before 2 pm.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

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(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

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(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm pretty sure I saw a man standing on a table with no shirt on getting sugar thrown at him while "pour some sugar on me" blaring while the cops were in the house.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Well unless he sent his sperm via fedex, this baby isnt his

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(661): View more from California

new rule: cockblock me if I have had over a fifth of jack. no matter what.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(951): View more from California

Ive been tazing him too get him immuned. He will be unstopable.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

we're making bets on your personal life

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so how was last night?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

got high and had our usual talk about the definition of cole slaw. then tried to call the ramen noodle company and convince them why my face should be on thier packages.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I thought I hit my peak drinking in college. Just finished first day on Wall Street. College was nothing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(239): View more from Florida

Our cab driver just admitted to beating up kids in the 60's who didn't smoke pot...

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Would love to except that I crashed into a hearse in a funeral procession about an hour ago so I think that pretty much put an end to my day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just walked by a yard full of girls wearing bikinis. I did my best to stare.

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(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He just made me a heart out of cocaine... i think i'm in love

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(804): View more from Virginia

when i was ordering pizza, the guy muffled the phone but i could clearly hear him say "its that drunk bitch again"

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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(573): View more from Missouri

officially spring now- first drug bust of the season across the street.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(352): View more from Florida

I seriously just caught my 15 year old little sister with a positive pregnancy test coming out of the bathroom. Honest to God.

(917): View more from New York City

I have a coat hanger and a baseball bat. Her choice.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(310): View more from California

based on the size of her vibrator, i'm going to be a huge disappointment

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(316): View more from Kansas

i just sold a bong and some oregano to fifth graders for sixty dollars. doing something tonight?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Honestly, where the fuck is osama bin laden?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah my mom told me she knows when i come home high because i use my turn signal while turning into the driveway...

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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