Texts From Last Night · dvl's Favorites

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dvl's Favorites Texts:

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

we're all going for beer and wings at 7. inflate your girlfriend and bring her along too.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just wanted to let you know it's 3am and, at this point, I believe your sister has more of my semen in her than I do. So suck on that, fuckface.

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(408): View more from California

if this uncomfortable exchange we're having is you trying to flirt with me i suggest you stop it before someone gets hurt

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(613): View more from Ontario

So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Would you like season tickets to my vagina?

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(779): View more from Illinois

I just think his face would be more attractiveif it was framed by my thighs

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got head this morning from the 31-year-old version of Jenn. It was like a blow job from the future while a simultaneous blast from the past for 10 minutes.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Just so you know, your wedding is in the same place I gave my first bj.

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(216): View more from Ohio

blowjobs from left handed girls are noticably better than from righties. these are the most important things I've learned this semester

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I know it must have been a hard break up. Are you okay?

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Oh yeah, I'm fine dude. My vaginas heart is broken though. I feel bad for her, you should give her a call sometime.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was wearing my get used bookstore shirt when we fucked. Ironic yet appropriate.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you bump into your parents at a swingers meetup, it's time to change cities

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(314): View more from Missouri

Met Dan at the park for lunch and the guy parked next to us was getting a BJ the entire time. Way to make me feel like an inadequate girlfriend, random park skank. All Dan got was a double cheeseburger and a large iced tea...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

want me to make you a grilled cheese? I can't guarantee it'll be as good as yours but i'll go down on you afterwards if you want

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

brb printing out this text and putting it on my bedroom wall

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(903): View more from Texas

Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

after giving head I just always feel like I need like. ice cream. as both a means of getting the lingering sperm out of my mouth, and a congratulations.

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(949): View more from California

We have to have sex twice when i get back. I miss you sex, and thank god the nhl lockout is over sex. I will happily let you wear your sharks jersey during it and i will wear my ducks jersey, and it will be mad rivalry sex.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I didn't know where we were going to start fucking, so I just strategically hid condoms all over the house before he came over.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I really wanted to suck your dick, but I also didn't want to miss any of the movie

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You want to complain about your sex life to me? Right now mine consists of trying to masturbate lightly enough not to wake her up with bed shakes. Go. Fuck. Yourself.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

His penis contains the glue that keeps this relationship together.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I will not be held responsible for my vagina's poor judgment.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently getting a blow job in the mens room from the bar owners daughter will get you kicked out.

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(818): View more from California

Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?

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(314): View more from Missouri

your vagina must have magic restorative powers I feel rested and powerful this morning.

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(425): View more from Washington

So are you actually going to come fuck me in the ass this weekend, or was that just you being drunk in a kilt?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was mid-sentence and you stopped me and said, "Yeah.. for my vaginas sake, I'm gonna need you to stop talking right now."

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't care how sexy you think I look in my scrubs. Wanting a blow job is not a medical emergency.

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(319): View more from Iowa

That UFC fighter fucked me so hard I have what can only be described as a "cuntcussion"

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(713): View more from Texas

Ok everyone, the frat server is slow because of the 11 TB of porn on there. Either clean out your partition by Sunday or it will be erased. Thanks for your help.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Thank you, I really appreciate that. I know I couldn't participate in class tonight and I hope that doesn't affect my grade too much. So please let me know of any extra credit opportunities such as fellatio

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(561): View more from Florida

You know my ex in high school who cheated on me and dumped me right before prom? A decade later, I just saw her again...working at an Arby's. it was a good day...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Texas State Troopers call you ma'am even when they arrest you for public nudity and after you've puked on their cruiser. Country boys raised right.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After the 3rd shot, she was running around singing, "Twinkle Twinkle Big Ol' Dick, on your happy place I'll sit" to your brother.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

Put that bitch's torch out. She's been voted off.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

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(407): View more from Florida

How do I tell her I need the lights out when I'm getting head because she and my mom share a perm color

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(419): View more from Ohio

She showed me her tits and my first thought was "I want these to feed my future children." I'm scared.

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm the last girl he had sex with. That was over a month ago. If he can go that long without sex then he's clearly not the guy for me

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Post walk of shame: realized the underwear I put on when I left was another girl's underwear.... woof

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(206): View more from Washington

we traced the origins of this shit fest of a relationship back to a single instance of road head. then we did a reinacment

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?

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(301): View more from Maryland

A girl pulled up next to me at a stoplight just now, looked around for a second, and then changed her top, bra and all, before the light turned green. New. Hero.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

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(708): View more from Illinois

We ended up getting arrested after we flagged down the cops for a ride home with open beers in our hands... turns out the "nobody told me" excuse doesn't cut it anymore

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(928): View more from Arizona

His penis without viagra is what breaks my heart.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(519): View more from Ontario

we should drop off a car at the police station before going out tonight so we can drive home in the morning

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(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

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(813): View more from Florida

I feel like I'm on let's make a deal. should I go with what's behind bulge number 1 or bulge number 2?

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(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

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(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

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(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(408): View more from California

who has not yet felt my sugrcially enhanced boobs. HurryI am at the bnar and it is 1:15 am

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

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(979): View more from Texas

Just so we're clear, that's a yes to the honey, but if you get marshmallow fluff anywhere near my body we are never doing this again

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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(352): View more from Florida

One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(806): View more from Texas

We're gonna take a moment of silence to pray... that his penis is as pretty and as talented as his brothers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(516): View more from New York

I need a picture of your dick for my friends birthday card

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(623): View more from Arizona

Hint of advice dont get with minor league baseball players, you can google their stats but not their stds.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I just finished deleting miscellaneous contacts from my phone ... time for a HIV test!

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Its not personal, its just business. I'm the Donald Trump of blowjobs.

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(281): View more from Texas

In the 30 seconds it took me to leave the bar I let the barback motorboat me, ripped open a stranger's shirt and bit his chest, then made out with El Camino dude. No, I'm not coming out tonight.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

everyone at work keeps looking at me like they know I got the herp this weekend

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(305): View more from Florida

he handed me my panties in front of my date. turns out he wasn't that mad.

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(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

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(602): View more from Arizona

the head trauma was worth the blowjob.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My clit ring got caught in his beard. Never. Again.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had to stop fucking her halfway through to do a shit. When he returned she was still waiting for him. The joys of MDMA

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Haha pretty bummed I didn't stay night yesterday after the bj fest you described

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Holy christ fuck what has my trainwreck of a life come to just blew a 17 year old so help me god

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

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(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

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(714): View more from California

I recommend just blowing him. It's always the way to go.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Seriously, I'm ready to settle for ugly and unemployed as long as he has decent hygene and likes to go down.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We had sex under a tree in his boss's backyard, then I hooked up with his best friend. I don't even care how I got home.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

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(509): View more from Washington

God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

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(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

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(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...

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(614): View more from Ohio

I'm on my way, but at some point we're going to have to settle who gave who crabs the last time

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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(406): View more from Montana

He has to watch his girlfriends kitten. Even when she is in Vegas, her pussy keeps him from getting into mine.

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(850): View more from Florida

My lips are red and swollen. Solid proof that giving head is a viable alternative to lipstick and plumper.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

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(256): View more from Alabama

The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(425): View more from Washington

Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

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(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(801): View more from Utah

On my way back to his place to see his "art". Why am I sure this is going to be nothing more than his dick in a box?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

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(281): View more from Texas

Do you think a former stripper/heroin addict constitutes as a high risk sexual partner?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You should seriously consider super glueing your knees together

(770): View more from Georgia

The power of my vagina can withstand any attempt of celibacy

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

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(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(314): View more from Missouri

No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

It's like a puppy that we have to take care of at all times or else she'll get sad, lonely, and chew on the furniture. And by 'chew on the furniture', I mean have anonymous sex.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

saying that you may be able to suck the gay out of me was just my way of getting a blowjob...thank you for the valiant effort.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(410): View more from Maryland

I honestly wish you had parked the car in the terminal garage and fucked me in the backseat but I guess I should be more forward

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(972): View more from Texas

I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

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(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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(516): View more from New York

This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me

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(646): View more from New York

but you must be fair and judge his penis by normal penis standards and not let your vision be clouded by the rare gem of a penis you have recently encountered

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(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

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(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I lost my grandmas ring. Probably during the handjob.

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(207): View more from Maine

he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

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(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

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(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Well I'm just gonna sit here naked in this chair and whatever happens happens

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(917): View more from New York City

Fuck. The basement bathroom I've been getting head in for 6 months just went 'Out of Service'.

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(217): View more from Illinois

He has a landing strip. I repeat he has shaven himself a landing strip. HELPPPP!

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(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(519): View more from Ontario

his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own

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(801): View more from Utah

I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

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(785): View more from Kansas

In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets

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(417): View more from Missouri

so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(419): View more from Ohio

had my ear almost bitten off in foreplay. the sex gods do not like me.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

And here i was gonna offer you a complimentary blowjob.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

well as your friend its only fair to offer my cock for your services. Cause I care.

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(212): View more from New York

Then he said something about how from that angle I looked just like his mom.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Walk of Shame'd halfway down a mountain, skiiers passing. Do not drink with lifties at the end of ski season.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I gave him head while he watched NASCAR. My future flashed before my eyes.

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(585): View more from New York

Just took my birth control pill next to the cubicle where we had sex last semester.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

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(310): View more from California

You were fucking on a porch at a party, not much privacy should be expected

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(641): View more from Iowa

Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's been decided..lingerie is an investment. You get free breakfast and cab rides out of it.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i am way too old to be getting fingered at work

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(815): View more from Illinois

im celebrating the fact lent is over and i can give blow jobs again.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

They high fived over us while we gave them synchronized blowjobs. In the same bed. Under the same blanket.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up laying on an empty pizza box and some guy was doing blow off my butt...i guess i should thank you.

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(815): View more from Illinois

It just gets louder and louder too...dear god. Her poor vagina.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

It's barely 9 am & I've already had an ice cube IN my vagina

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Just sucked my third dick in the past twelve hours. I must want AIDS.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just got a blowjob in her closet with two people sleeping outside in the room. I feel like the emperor of college.

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he was gone before i woke up. left a pee stain, phone number, note and $20 for sheets. safe to say i will not be calling.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Can't a girl send out a 4 pm booty call anymore

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(630): View more from Illinois

you say it like running around in your thong wasted is a bad thing

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(415): View more from California

handjobs have no place on a baseball diamond

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We broke the shower door. Completely off. His roommates were not happy but I sure was

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I have got to stop getting laid on my lunch breaks. I AM SO HUNGRY RIGHT NOW.

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(438): View more from Quebec

I STRONGLY considered not bringing that guy home with me last night simply because I'd JUST changed my sheets that morning.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(415): View more from California

Can you pinpoint the moment you decided it was acceptable to trade blow jobs for beers or was it a gradual slide?

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(707): View more from California

She greeted me with a new giants jersey and an opening day blowjob. this is true love.

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(619): View more from California

why oh why did i suck thise tits. nothing but trouble fuuuuuu

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(954): View more from Florida

I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Didn't get to fuck her. Had to leave abruptly through window. Explain later.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

dizzyuy bat. 3.453 lkos. hoit sx, now im single. blackouteed

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(303): View more from Colorado

hey i found one of your nipple clamps under my couch, i miss you!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I've had more sex in the two weeks since we broke up than I ever had in any two weeks we were together.

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(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever

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(916): View more from California

I had some like war flashbacks of giving someone a handjob and i was trying to figure out who it was.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(831): View more from California

Is it mean that I just sent him a pic of my tits with the header, "say bye bye?"

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

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(207): View more from Maine

He cut part of his finger off. It was a consolation blow job.

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(716): View more from New York

do you think semen can infect my impacted wisdom tooth

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(706): View more from Georgia

having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So, do you think I should wash the ashes off of my forehead before going to the strip club?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(651): View more from Minnesota

If I am going to throw out this whole "born again virgin" thing...i'm not going to do it on someone who is less than 5 inches.

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(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

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(201): View more from New Jersey

nothing like baby laughter to ruin a masturbation moment

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I dont think she was a real nurse but she was good at it. wish I rememebrd her name

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(253): View more from Washington

sorry he hasn't talked to me since the surprise salvia incident...

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.

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(954): View more from Florida

Okay Im going to go have some sex apparently. I hope this chick is prepared the zero effort Im going to put into it.

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(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

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(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I just fucked my first person born during the Clinton administration

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(865): View more from Tennessee

In the middle of having sex with me, she reminded me that I was supposed to call my mom that morning. My penis has never retracted so quickly.

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(714): View more from California

I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(316): View more from Kansas

I always give him head in random places, it's a guessing game for his cock.

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(248): View more from Michigan

There r osticjed everywhere

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im celebrating the fact that the one guy who has ever denied me has just come out of the closet

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(206): View more from Washington

In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

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(281): View more from Texas

We were fucking on his hammock and right as he came we flipped over. I landed on him, he landed on a pile of pinecones. We're done with nature sex.

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(775): View more from Nevada

My tits are coming out a minimum of ten times

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(216): View more from Ohio

what is it with giant penises always finding me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

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(970): View more from Colorado

Is it horrible that I want to keep my purple landing strip until after my gyno apt? I feel like someone beside myself should see it...

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(206): View more from Washington

This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Even though ive seen her get fisted by another girl at a party, shes still a doctor.

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(716): View more from New York

im honestly just eating salsa and looking at his penis

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(801): View more from Utah

Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?

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(707): View more from California

Made it home ok. Only got hit by one car.

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(213): View more from California

You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.

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(951): View more from California

It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

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(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(203): View more from Connecticut

its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin

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(630): View more from Illinois

Whatever. It was high school. Back then I'd blow anyone who had enough room between their chest and their steering wheel for my head to fit.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

bitch got booty called while we were making out. and then she actually left.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why have they been driving around the block for the past 30 min?

(303): View more from Colorado

He told her it was international road head day.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious

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(256): View more from Alabama

Paying 5 grand for boobs is saving me like 10 grand in weed

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Chalk up having sex in a car wash.

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(347): View more from New York

your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(940): View more from Texas

Nothing like hearing a USA chant while getting head. God bless America.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had to drink heavily last night because I needed to forget that you told me you want to blow my dad.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, I'm in the bathroom trying to scrub off the 16 tally marks on my wrist so its not so obviously to the world that I puked on a couch last night.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't think I'm emotionally ready for this blow job.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'd appreciated it if you didn't lick my boyfriends face again. I'm askin nicely. Thank you.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(408): View more from California

My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He bought me shots at the bar as his way of of paying me back for Plan B

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(248): View more from Michigan

Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remind me tomorrow to take that ball-gag out of my purse.

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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

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(415): View more from California

I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

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(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

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(254): View more from Texas

I had to ask him for the scissors while I was in the shower. My hood piercing was stuck in my loofah.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?

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(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

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(573): View more from Missouri

I couldnt give him head when all I could hear was his little brother playing the piano and this family singing along to it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(408): View more from California

He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(914): View more from New York

You passed out and she managed to carry you all the way back to your dorm last night. I believe your testicles now her property.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I figured that I'd start organizing the places ive given head. I'll add treehouse right after bandroom

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

As much as I'm all for laying on his living room couch, watching spongebob and having spoon sex, it's becoming a routine.

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(563): View more from Iowa

I need to make a 'no kissing' rule for my casual hookups during cold season...this cold is so not worth it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I found a sock full of anal beads in my dryer. At least she washes them.

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(801): View more from Utah

I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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(256): View more from Alabama

Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I made him sleep with a condom on and i passed out on the carpet with only a bra on.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I gave ten strangers a full description of his penis and its abilities. I need to stop drinking.

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(903): View more from Texas

He decided not to draw dicks on my face when I passed out because he was afraid I'd retaliate and superglue his dick to his stomach....he knows me too well.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

it's too soon in the relationship to think about him when i masturbate. so i think about his dad instead.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Quick question: how long can sperm live in a rug?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(562): View more from California

I can't be held responsible for my own vagina. Let's just be honest here.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i chugged some hot sauce before i gave him head. i think a burning penis is a great way to say fuck you

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(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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(303): View more from Colorado

i love you. like a brother. a brother that i had sex with more than once.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(845): View more from New York

she got to the point every few minutes she checked to see if her boobs were still there.

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(816): View more from Missouri

critical mistake not lubing the nipples

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

We had phone sex and he came in his sink. i will never eat off one of his plates again

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm wearing cowboy boots and showing way too much cleavage to be in a place with no jaeger.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She said, and I quote "how do you run with something that big between your legs".

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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(914): View more from New York

im just sayin im driving an hr to pick her up, just cause shes your gf doesnt mean i shouldnt be entitled to a bj

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Screw it. I'll show up in a white dress with a sign that says " I fucked the groom and it wasn't that great."

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(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

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(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We don't have a ruler. Come downstairs and lay in the snow with a boner so we can see how much snow we've gotten. Put your 8 inches to a less shameful use.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he likes to slap my ass alot untill he missed and hit his own balls poor bastard kept on going.

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(518): View more from New York

my mom just asked if she should wash your furry handcuffs with the lights or darks

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(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

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(714): View more from California

All he wants to do is masturbate while I sit there with my big toe up his ass that is not even the worst part of it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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(716): View more from New York

whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete

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(310): View more from California

Everytime I know she spent a lot of time on her hair for one of our dates, I intentionally cum on the top of her head. That's how she knows I pay attention.

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(716): View more from New York

he got a rim job in the basement.

(716): View more from New York

apparently i was the one who gave it to him.

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(415): View more from California

i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

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(631): View more from New York

I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

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(345): View more from Cayman Islands

Fucking him was like shopping for my first training bra.. Embarrassing yet extremely useful

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(850): View more from Florida

I think it was you who decided that coming home at 3AM and cooking eggs topless was the best way to end our night. Eating the scrambled eggs off each other's boobs, that was ellie's idea

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You couldn't stand up so I took you home, took off your makeup, put you to bed then shaved off your eyebrows. I so nearly won the responsible adult prize.

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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(319): View more from Iowa

Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I will never swim in a flooded basement again..

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

So apparently the christmas orgy was a complete disaster

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(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

You ever get that 6th sense feeling in your dick like you know its gonna get sucked later?

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(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

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(513): View more from Ohio

New Years Resolution for 2011 : QUALITY cock. Not quantity.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(801): View more from Utah

i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(207): View more from Maine

he came within less than a minute of me blowing him. this was our second night hanging out in a row. for an almost 30 year old italian man, he is NOT living up to his country's reputation

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I feel like I should come with a warning like "Orgasm free since 1983"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Ps. The strap-on in the pic i sent you last night was not mine. Just wanted to clear that up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either way you look at it, I'm a slut. But either way I look at it, I'm having a fucking blast.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(518): View more from New York

I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

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(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

If letting him bang me while i'm wearing reindeer antlers and a painted red nose isn't the christmas spirit, I dont know what is

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(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(480): View more from Arizona

A-plus on my thesis. I deserve the blowjob to end all blowjobs. And I wanna wear a crown while you do it.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(406): View more from Montana

To say he's a good fuck is like saying the beatles had a bit of success. My vag is still mourning the fact he moved.

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(360): View more from Washington

I need you to send me a picture of your dick. I want to forward it to that girl and you and i both know you're more impressively sized

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I can't begin to describe what I look like walking through the grocery store with this outfit and chocolate syrup.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.

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(253): View more from Washington

These pubs in Ireland act like hand jobs aren't the universal currency

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

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(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

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(585): View more from New York

i feel like words won't express my appreciation properly so at some point i'm just going to bring you pizza then go down on you for an hour. fair?

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(813): View more from Florida

Fastest blow job ever. Though it was probably a good thing since we were in front of my house.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

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(305): View more from Florida

What's bad is when she said "what hobo did you steal this dick from?"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

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(415): View more from California

sometimes you just have to pull up your panties, blow a kiss to the security camera and walk out of the alley like nothing happened.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(602): View more from Arizona

I apologize for forcing you to look at my boob when we were high. It was uncalled for

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(404): View more from Georgia

We really need to stop competing to see who can get more drunk, and I REALLY need to stop winning.

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Please do NOT set off the smoke alarm when I am tied to the bed like this...

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(631): View more from New York

i can't decided whether the fact that her nipples are bigger then her palms is a problem or not

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(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(316): View more from Kansas

Bad news. I lost my teeth. Good news. I can still take a guy home sans teeth.

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(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

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(917): View more from New York City

was it morally wrong to have used his girlfriends makeup after i fucked him?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful

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(815): View more from Illinois

The only reason I give him head is because I know i'll get a back rub.

(928): View more from Arizona

wow.

(815): View more from Illinois

But it's a REALLY good back rub.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I feel like I had eight dicks in my mouth

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(207): View more from Maine

Please check on her. She announced that Thursday she'd open herself to any veteran so as to thank them for their service. "my services for your service" and left the bar with three numbers.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Do you know how awkward it is to call the bar from last night and ask if they found my leggings?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked down the highway for 3 miles at 4 am, and got me coffee on the way. i dont think a blow job would have been enough.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Why do I have flashes of a dark shed in my memory?

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Because we had sex in one.

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(229): View more from Georgia

You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(315): View more from New York

I feel uncockblockable...banged her in the bathroom with my iv still in

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(314): View more from Missouri

He just came in my nostril. Never look down when a guy is pulling out during missionary.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(206): View more from Washington

it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(937): View more from Ohio

so i don't know how many beers it takes to make a recliner look like a toilet, but that's how many i had.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Will you be topless? That will affect my answer.

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(647): View more from Ontario

She can't really be mad at me. I made you two sisters... Dick sisters.

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my goal is to masturbate without thinking about my exbf.

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(682): View more from Texas

There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(530): View more from California

If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

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(801): View more from Utah

we were boning in the bathroom when her boyfriend came upstairs. I wish i could remember what happened next more clearly, because it had to have been hilarious

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I fell asleep to the sounds of them banging in the next room. It was oddly soothing...

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

just saw way to many penises for it being 5 o'clock on a thursday

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(716): View more from New York

i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently 'she used to sleep with my brother' is not an acceptable answer to how do you know each other.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(720): View more from Colorado

He considered it romantic when he told me mid-blow job that no matter what happens, he will "never forget how good of a dick I suck". Verbatim.

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I guess on the plus side everyone really, really enjoyed my nipple clamps

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(303): View more from Colorado

so the girl i've been sleeping with for 3 weeks now just figured out that i don't know her name

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(703): View more from Virginia

I am not old enough to be running into past fucks at the bank. This is at least a twenty five year old milestone.

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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(205): View more from Alabama

Thanks for putting the blue stuff in the toilet, it made me throwing up this morning more enjoyable.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Pretty certain he passed out for a while going down on me. Absolutely certain he passed out during the blow job.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dear God. I kissed a man tonight who was born in 1936.

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(786): View more from Florida

What I wanna know is who took a picture eiffel towering her?

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(514): View more from Quebec

His dick was as big as my arm. Giving him a handjob was like giving someone an Indian sunburn.

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(516): View more from New York

she made me put on a condom before giving me a handjob...this is why i hate freshmen

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(516): View more from New York

I want a meaningful relationship and i wont get one if i keep giving him blow jobs in my basement while watching family guy.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well if I am having twins, at least I'll finally have 2 kids by the same father.

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(845): View more from New York

She eyed me up from across the bar and mouthed "I have no gag reflex".

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I definitely didn't wake up this morning thinking "i wanna get gang banged today"

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(801): View more from Utah

She's like the little sister I never had ... except for the fact we're having sex.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He insisted on sleeping in my bed. Had he taken all of my obvious hints I would have sucked his dick. He only wanted to snuggle. My world has been turned upside down.

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(716): View more from New York

is he apposed to sex in general? or just porch sex?

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(913): View more from Kansas

sorry we overslept. have a good day at work. p.s. thanks for making it feel like my vagina got hit by a train.

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(315): View more from New York

Kinda wish I banged him. I need the exercise.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I answered the my mom's phone call about what we're doing for father's day while he was still fucking me. She thought I seemed really excited about his hiking boots present.

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having post traumatic stress flashbacks of last night. That big. Don't know whether to call him again or change my name...

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(210): View more from Texas

Just chased ups truck with a half wiped ass for you. You're making dinner tonight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Oh, and for future reference, telling a guy that your ass is too tight for anal is like painting a bullseye on it.

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel this outfit says i'm better than you, but i might give you a handjob behind a building

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was mid-pee and he walked in, claimed he was looking for his phone, and then asked if we could hook up since we were finally alone.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

so yall hooked up?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Well I put her head right through the headboard. Thank god the room was under her name.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(770): View more from Georgia

His dick might not be the answer to my problems, but I'm definitely ok with testing it as a possible solution.

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(435): View more from Utah

She jerked me off while she drove us back from Denver going 70mph. It was both the scariest and most erotic moment of my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I crashed her parents' car cause she was giving me road head. Its probably best to just let them think I'm a bad driver.

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(941): View more from Florida

She forgot my birthday again. How do you forget something that came out of your vagina???

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Well, of course, to the untrained eye I look like a slut.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

No. untill you have done a puke that contains nothing but semen and tequila, you do not 'feel my pain'

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

after he fucked me and not his girlfriend, i told him to be a gentleman and close his eyes as i ran to the bathroom naked. so sweet.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your definition of "gentleman" is so absurd.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

thanks for showing me a good time......and your penis a few times. Thanks especially for that.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i was trying to give him roadhead and my tits kept knocking his cheap shifter into neutral...was the first time my tits have ever cock blocked me

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(216): View more from Ohio

I fucked him in the bathroom at Cedar Point. if it hadn't been for me already combining my two favorite things in the world the whole bathroom thing would have been a little disgusting.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(407): View more from Florida

shes a baton twirler.. i expected her to be better with her hands.

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(518): View more from New York

he said 'i love fucking you, ashley'. it was the most romantic thing he's said during sex because he actually used my name.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just saw the new iPhone. I would totally let Steve Jobs and Jon Ive eiffel tower me right now.

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(802): View more from Vermont

every time I see Anne Hathaway all I can think is "my cousin fucked a guy who fucked her" and it makes me proud.... so I want to say thank you for being that cousin.

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(407): View more from Florida

So you really have to stop introducing me to girls and afterwards saying "he has his dick pierced" let them find out for themselves

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(207): View more from Maine

i could totally date him if i was just drunk the whole relationship

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(630): View more from Illinois

He told me his mother taught him that move. What the hell do I say to that?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(416): View more from Toronto

Does your gf have any friends she can hook me up with?

(416): View more from Toronto

Better looking than her though please.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(407): View more from Florida

When she showed me how she could touch her toes without bending her knees, suddenly her face didn't worry me quite as much.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Sunburnt clitoris. How do I deal with it.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(937): View more from Ohio

What kind of person begs for a BJ from someone who just got their wisdom teeth out?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My choices this week make me realize that I need to copyright the term "cock buffet"

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(269): View more from Michigan

He's my palate cleanser. He's my mint sorbet. He's my saltine cracker. He's who I fuck between people to make the next one better.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(773): View more from Illinois

she tried giving me head in the pool. it was more entertaining than pleasurable

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(509): View more from Washington

He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's hard to believe so much cum came out of such a small penis.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I went from a chick that didn't like to have sex to one that can't get enough of it. I can't believe I'm going to say this but at 27 I think I need a happy medium

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(818): View more from California

Let's get back to talking about you giving me a blow job.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You know you had good weekend wheb we you hook up with three different girls and you don't feel no pain when u pee in the morning

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't want end up bound and gagged in the back of a van headed for rehab. Bound and gagged OK. Just not the rehab part.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I realized we pick a president more often than I get a blowjob

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(+06): View more from

it took me 2 minutes to realize that it wasn't HER hand on my penis. First, and worst threesome ever..

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(954): View more from Florida

If fate has that penis in my future.....I'm down.

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(702): View more from Nevada

If I can't get a one-legged man to love me, what the hell chance do I have with a NORMAL guy???

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(971): View more from Oregon

I don't remember her name, all I remember is trying to suck the wedding ring off her finger.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If someone cleans their bathroom and shaves their crotch for you you kinda have to admit the relationship to facebook

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Whatever. I'll let someone else deal with his flacid penis.

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(815): View more from Illinois

May or may not have found my way onto a stripper bus. To Chicago.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Her friend drew me a diagram of how we could get away with her giving me a blowjob at work.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(585): View more from New York

She said she's saving anal for marriage cuz she has to save something for her husband...seriously just caught myself lookin at rings.

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(207): View more from Maine

Shaving your vagina at 8 months pregnant is not an easy chore.

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(251): View more from Alabama

So the next morning, she had to tell her kids we were moving furniture around all night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What do you mean you don't pregame your bikini waxes?

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(619): View more from California

my mom just told me its unladylike to have toothpaste stains on my clothes all the time.. if she only knew.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I decided to follow my clitoris instead of my heart.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(585): View more from New York

My mom just found some of our lube mixed in with my box of pots and pans. I hate moving home.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He fucked my earring out of my ear. Of course he's coming over again.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I learned the names of so many hookups when they read them at graduation

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I think it was the chocolate body paint and awesome blowjob that finally made us official.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(408): View more from California

sex on the roof is not as easy as it sounds

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(765): View more from Indiana

i just had to google what happens if your dog eats your nuva ring

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She told me she was selfish for not giving me a blowjob... I couldn't agree more.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm going to start giving girls scratch off lottery tickets when they leave my place in the am. That way they have a chance of not regretting the night before

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes

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(216): View more from Ohio

she moved to the other side of town, do you realize how far i gotta walk to get a blow job???

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He bought me a flower. He's totally getting head every day for a week.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Class is significantly more awkward when you know that your teacher knows what you look like with your legs behind your head... Just saying.

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(925): View more from California

after he gave me a diploma for giving him amazing head, getting a regular diploma isnt all that cool.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

dude she snuck out while I was still sleeping then was banging on the door 10 minutes later cuz her car was brokedown. how was I suppose to recognize her??

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

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(716): View more from New York

strippers are much less mysterious after you sleep with them

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm pretty sure this all started when I found a vibrator in my mom's sock drawer and had my first orgasm when I was ten...

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(775): View more from Nevada

Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I forgot how few teeth there are in this state...

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(206): View more from Washington

He gave me the "I've pictured you while jerkin off" look

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(808): View more from Hawaii

for future reference: anal bleach BEFORE boozing

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(914): View more from New York

Theres just something about looking at pictures of your dick in church that doesn't feel right

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(325): View more from Texas

suddenly, hermaphrodite night sounds like a really bad idea

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(778): View more from British Columbia

The beer is more important than you right now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Too late, the blunt's already in my cleavage

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(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I tapped out to boredom. She bought me a full meal at Subway. Two tap beers and a pretty weak long island iced tea. I'm five dollars cheaper to fuck than she is.

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(512): View more from Texas

There is a semi-attractive guy at the door who's looking for you. Says he met you on Chatroulette. Start explaining NOW.

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(815): View more from Illinois

come on don't hate me. your brother looks just like you its almost a complement that i had sex with him.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Isn't that the only thing she's good at? Complaining and blow jobs?

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(810): View more from Michigan

can I come stay the night

(217): View more from Illinois

yeah, but no sex tonight

(810): View more from Michigan

I'll stay home

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(856): View more from New Jersey

She told me to stay away from him cause apparently he fucks anything that walks. clearly i responded with..."i walk"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

obviously my correlation between being a pro surfer and being extremely good in bed was 100% wrong.

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(757): View more from Virginia

He made me stop in the middle of giving him a blowjob so he could go get his glasses. because he "wanted to see". I need to stop dating nerds.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(847): View more from Illinois

he urdandictionary'ed 'tease' on his phone and made me read through all the definitions. Am i really that bad?

(952): View more from Minnesota

You slept in the bed with him... with your top off.... and just made out with him....

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(650): View more from California

We had sex in the ocean but the tide took our clothes away too. Its no fun walking back to the dorm wearing only a beach blanket between you.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so i gave him head in the movie theater last night. thought we were alone til I heard the clapping from the other side of the theater after he'd finished.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Well that wasnt the exboyfriend i expected to hook up with today

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(719): View more from Colorado

Sorry, can't come over. I have to spend time with my niece. Her Dad ignores her and I don't want her to have male attention issues like you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

No stds, not pregs, and lost two pounds. I'd call that a successful two years of grad school.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yes, you did come over last night. You also tried to give my dog a blowjob. You got rejected.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She's allergic to latex.

(678): View more from Georgia

Lucky bastard.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

then he pulled down his pants, and i just stared for about a minute..... i was so confused. i didnt know my cat could have a bigger penis than an 18 year old man.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(319): View more from Iowa

Heyyyy darlin are you busy?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Why hello drunk Jake. It's sober Sarah, I'll tell drunk Sarah you booty called. She'll probably be around tomorrow night.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Just TALKING to him is better than banging my bf, imagine what actual banging will be like.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown on the bus in front of abot 20 ppl. Lots of high fives.

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(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i got a blow job in the bathroom during intermission at the hockey game. i'm pretty sure i made Canada proud.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

She said her first boyfreind was so small she is still technically a virgin.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(804): View more from Virginia

why weren't you at the audition last night?

(1-804): View more from Virginia

booty call before role call

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(905): View more from Ontario

He had to pee in the sink beside my head because the girl that I was taking care of was passed out on the toilet. To answer your question: yes i took a peek. Thats why we hooked up later.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I think her nose is broken... but I think she's just drunk enough to fall for the whole "sex releases endorphins, so it'll feel better" line.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(432): View more from Texas

His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Thinking about bringing a vibrator to the tanning bed...kill two birds with one stone right?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(248): View more from Michigan

When i look at that picture of him, i'm a little proud to be like yeah, his dick was in my mouth saturday no big deal.

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(908): View more from New Jersey

don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't remember which guy I met at the bar is coming to pick me up. It will be like my birthday surprise.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Haha im sorry. Its just financially responsiable to bang him instead of you right now.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Cant decide who was more of a mess the morning after... me when i passed out in the bathroom stall or you when you sprayed yourself down with hairspray thinking it was sunblock

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just come over and take your pants off. 35 mins tops. You'll be home before midnight cinderella

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(618): View more from Illinois

he said i was the most charming throwing up drunk person hes ever taken care of. so of course i had sex with him.

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(864): View more from South Carolina

For once I'm glad there wasn't morning sex. Yes, that sore from the night before.

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(574): View more from Indiana

i knew she was desperate at the point in which she started showing me her naked pics on her phone

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(410): View more from Maryland

She looks makes a Zellweger face when she cums, she's keeps asking why I call her renee

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(678): View more from Georgia

she said she'd blow me if I bought one of her sorority raffle tickets. Goddamn it's gettin easy

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(315): View more from New York

I just gave head in the laundry room on campus. He said it was one of the best moments in all of history. Take that, neil armstrong.

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(702): View more from Nevada

well since you're still married, you will be paying for my abortion right?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I bought a nasal spray, my nose needs to be in order by the weekend

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(303): View more from Colorado

He felt like a one man threesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i would hope so, cause i don't think 'i drove off the road because i was getting some head' is covered in insurance

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(641): View more from Iowa

Went to the career fair today..I handed out many resumes to find out later that they say I have a bachelor o farts degree...Top that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Highlight of the day: realizing the man in the car next to mine was getting road head... at 2:45pm... nicely done sir, nicely done.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I had it in my eyebrows, my bangs, under one eye, and across both cheeks. Congratulations on the successful and elusive warpaint cumshot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Can we please have a moment of silence for my reputation?

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(330): View more from Ohio

just learned how to wash a penis. thank you nursing school for getting me the most action i've had in months.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she comes up to me at the end of the night and asks me if I going to take her home and fuck her. I pretty much had to right?

(314): View more from Missouri

you had an obligation.

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(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(209): View more from California

I just remembered before I gave him head I couldn't find a hair tie and he offered to hold my hair up. Maybe we were wrong.. Maybe he does have a heart.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Last night at the bar my fuck buddies found out about each other.

(1-931): View more from Tennessee

Wtf? What happened?

(931): View more from Tennessee

Not quite sure but they rock, paper, scissored to see who was taking me home.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

so you had a one ended conversation with the toilet las night in between barfs. you kept telling the toilet how strong it was because its gone through a lot of shit in its life.

(843): View more from South Carolina

drunk me is so punny.

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(818): View more from California

I didn't mind getting the stomach flu from him. we had great sex AND I'm seven pounds lighter

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(612): View more from Minnesota

just gave him road head on the way home IN A SNOW STORM..good thing we didn't crash or I'd be dead. I DIDN'T HAVE MY SEATBELT ON

(651): View more from Minnesota

clearly you have your priorities straight

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

tip of the day : never have sex with a full bladder. it WILL lead to complications and a very unhappy partner.

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(707): View more from California

I finally beat you i just fucked my professor last night!!!\n\n

(559): View more from California

sry, psychiatrist trumps professor

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(503): View more from Oregon

So, apparently, "i expected your penis to be bigger" isn't good pillow talk.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he mailed me a thank you note for the blowjob.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a picture of your new tub, cant wait to pee in it

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(229): View more from Georgia

College is just filling the gap until I get a rich girl pregnant

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude she let me cum on her face

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

You have the wrong number I'm the she who let you cum on her face unless some other girl has let you since this morning

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(502): View more from Kentucky

he fucked me so hard my future children felt it

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(512): View more from Texas

he said no girl had ever swallowed his cum before

(806): View more from Texas

he probably also told you he thought u were pretty

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(817): View more from Texas

So I'm about to go to his house and have "I'm really sorry for cheating on you last night" sex

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so i had sex last night with my 12th partner, but hes number 1 for my first time using a condom. i think im finally learning.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

wait can you just look around please? that was my favorite bra and i've already asked like 3 other guys

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(310): View more from California

Just farted cum and thought I shit myself. Crisis averted tho

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

STOP acting like a freshman, you have a drivers liscence now AND a PERSCRIPTION for birth control. Dont give all sophmores a bad name. Woman Up

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(770): View more from Georgia

if i found out she had a dick after i got head, does that still make me gay?

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(905): View more from Toronto

I give him blow jobs while he watches sports.. how am I not his gf yet??

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Good luck! Who knows he might be a stallion in the bedroom! or it could be like having sex with a crayon.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Its not small because its small, Its small because it was cold outside

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(208): View more from Idaho

I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."

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(734): View more from Michigan

The only person who has seen my penis more than that girl, is that girl's sister.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He told me his condom was going to expire tomorrow and he needed to use it. I can't believe I fell for it.

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(353): View more from

I gave them both handjobs at the same time. Felt like I was skiing

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(607): View more from New York

I have your camera. You have 35 naked pictures of me. you're welcome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Whats the name of the guy with his hand down my pants?

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(239): View more from Florida

I mean we're not committed. He's my first choice, sort of like miller lite. When I'm at the bar I'm going to order one, but if they don't maybe I'll go for a bud or blue moon. I'm certainly not going to stop drinking

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(513): View more from Ohio

corn on the cob and anal lube are not substitutes for the real thing

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(410): View more from Maryland

I wish my period boobs were my regular boobs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS, you're not being slutty, you're "making dreams true."

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(630): View more from Illinois

i'd date him for the sole reason that he thanks me after giving him head

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