Texts From Last Night · mbholly's Favorites

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mbholly's Favorites Texts:

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(817): View more from Texas

I took 36 pictures of my lava lamp. your weed wins.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

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(303): View more from Colorado

Love is....waiting for your girl to throw up her shot in the bathroom...then handing her her beer. Game face.

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(206): View more from Washington

Look if 10 am was too early to go barrel tasting the winery would not be open.

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(205): View more from Alabama

A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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(619): View more from California

Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.

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(631): View more from New York

The sad thing is; I'm getting used to walking around feeling like I could hurl at any minute.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did it in a room with glowing stars to Peter Gabriel's down to earth on shrooms. This is like god

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

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(760): View more from California

drinking from the bathtub cause I'm too lazy to walk downstairs and too thirsty to care

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(307): View more from Wyoming

just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I feel like the devil slapped me in the face with his dick.

(870): View more from Arkansas

Birthday success

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(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.

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(681): View more from West Virginia

Hes trying to fuck me on a bear rug. Not saying no.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at home, drinking with my cat. While this is an enjoyable lifestyle, other plans are preferable.

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(213): View more from California

If you don't sing me a lullaby then I'll just take shots till I pass out

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(214): View more from Texas

She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter

(214): View more from Texas

Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(785): View more from Kansas

I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well

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(404): View more from Georgia

I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

are you looking for your table cloth? Cause I found it around my neck this morning...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(239): View more from Florida

All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(810): View more from Michigan

She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(207): View more from Maine

You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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(314): View more from Missouri

you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You keep saying things....but all I'm hearing is kegs

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Looking at an apartment in Houston. It's right beside my favorite bar and the zoo. Best or worst decision?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?

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(949): View more from California

One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.

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(409): View more from Texas

I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish a box of wine came w a hose. It'd be so much easier to drink from.�

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Jared is "trying to bite a strangers hat off" drunk. Oh, and that stranger is a girl at a table of 5 guys, one girl.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(716): View more from New York

You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

It is too early in this hangover to be seeing some guys ass crack.

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(712): View more from Iowa

You rode him down the last flight of stairs like a human sled.

(712): View more from Iowa

On that note I give you a 10 for sticking the landing and staying on the whole ride.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Where was your thought process?

(1-778): View more from British Columbia

Drowning in my hangover.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(914): View more from New York

Dude he's your dog he doesn't love me more than you. I'm just like that cool uncle that takes him to burger king and to see girls.

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(805): View more from California

I don't know if I should be scared or excited that I can officially drink vodka on the rocks like it's 7up.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I stuck a note to his door with my gum explaining why i couldn't spend the night. as i was walking away, he opened the door...i fell down and played dead. deffinitly didn't see me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe walking up to the cops busting our party with a "Things go better with Coke" t-shirt on and asking for my extra license back that my little brother got busted with wasn't the best idea of the night.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I saw him walking to campus with his beer in his hand in the same sweats he wore walking to campus with a beer in his hand yesterday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we all took turns holding you up and pretending that you were simba and that we were presenting you to the jungle

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(480): View more from Arizona

Also, my drunkenly packed sleepover kit consisted of a singular sock, my uncharged laptop, and a pack of post-it notes.

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(386): View more from Florida

Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Your drinking has interfered with your drinking. I bet you could get a scholarship to a rehab. Thats pro-level

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(949): View more from California

I baptized my dog in my pool last night because he snapped at my party guests, how was your night?

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(916): View more from California

You face planted into a car door. And somehow didn't drop your burrito.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

turns out that the cat the james was trying to catch was a raccoon. call me when you get this, i need an ER buddy

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(410): View more from Maryland

If you bring chipotle to my house i'll let you eat your burrito out of my vagina

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(513): View more from Ohio

I woke up in the closet and then I found my shirt in a bag of Doritos... how does that work out?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Make this decision based on your love for dick - NOT based on the fact that its probably one of the worst things you've ever thought of doing

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(972): View more from Texas

Hm, finding a time when my drinking and your real life don't conflict could be difficult

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(616): View more from Michigan

I need to find a more grown up way of dealin with a hangover at the office than pringles and mountain dew at 8:30 am...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No, but its not like diarrhea. i swear its like my intestines had a secret bank account and i just punched in the right pin.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

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(406): View more from Montana

I tried to tell him I love him but it came out something like "We're both fucked up and it works."

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(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

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(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Every time I get scared about the fact that I'm falling for him I remember that he juggles and is hung like a mastadon and everything is a-ok.

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(425): View more from Washington

Come, dress lightly, bring tequila...

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(712): View more from Iowa

she fucked me tho cuz it was her cat's birthday. As soon as we were done she just says "ahhh tequila tuesdays"

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(316): View more from Kansas

I'm just gonna ignore the fact that I have no pants on and find a way home. A good one-nighter never goes back for his pants.

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(845): View more from New York

Theres a picture of me with cut up clothes rolling in the policeman's lawn, I missed you, summer.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

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(456): View more from

Theres a live mouse in the toilet. Goddamn you this is why I don't party here

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(607): View more from New York

I'm lonelier than Tom Hanks in Cast Away, right meow. Ready to make this bong my Wilson.

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(360): View more from Washington

i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today

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(253): View more from Washington

May or may not be going home with my jamitor. i'm kiddong, btw, i have no idea. i'll let you know soooon.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

After your mom took her 12th and fatal tequila shot she proceeded to fall head first into the bonfire... Guess I don't have to fear getting old after all

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(561): View more from Florida

I will miss his soup and his dick the most

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

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(806): View more from Texas

Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

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(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ya, because touching his brother's face for 20 minutes in front of him wasn't bad enough, I also threw up in his garden and stole like 10 of his shirts before I left. But I fed his dog, so it's okay.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

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(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

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(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

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(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, I wouldn't mind getting fingered in the corner of a dive bar again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

2 out of 3 people here lost their shoes. America.

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(616): View more from Michigan

at one point i was feeding a guy sour cream chips and he made me make the "choo choo" noise as they were going in. \ni feel so much closer to him now.\n

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm chugging Gatorade because i drank something called a trashcan and someone named Gianna diamond has my credit card number, and I think I might have ruined my life.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

We should search craigslist for porches to sublet.

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(775): View more from Nevada

You know when the three of us hug it out in the alcohol isle in walmart it's gonna be fun.

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(716): View more from New York

IDK who she called, but some guy came into the party, flying drop kicked Joe said never again. She has to invite him around again.

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(502): View more from Kentucky

All I need is the Internet and a place to drink.

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(650): View more from California

So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back

(971): View more from Oregon

You should go to counseling for that

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.

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(310): View more from California

Woke up under the lifeguard stand sleeping next to mitch our homeless friend. I bartered a summer wardrobe for his last 5 dollar to buy a bfast sandwich. Bring clothes

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(804): View more from Virginia

They just caught the deck on fire and I ran out with cups off the beer pong table filled with water from the toilet. It was the closest water source.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We need you. We already made it on global news and are drunk at the election party.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was sitting on the floor of CVS chugging white grape juice until someone asked me to leave.

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(416): View more from Toronto

All she was asking was for you to describe your coat so she could get it, but you kept yelling at her so the security threw you out.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Truth be told I was googling "why is my left calf bigger than my right calf", porn would've been a better excuse for a virus.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(716): View more from New York

She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..

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(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We just threw our carpet out of our room. Via fourth floor window style.

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(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

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(949): View more from California

you kept telling us that in dog beers you only had one

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm already feeling the tequila hangover i'm going to have on friday

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(315): View more from New York

I've been very busy/drunk lately... Sorry.

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(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

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(658): View more from

Tell him next time im gonna be "disgrace to the family" drunk

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

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(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

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(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

You're going to have to buy me a lot of drinks before the bee suit goes on...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wiped my blood on their walls screaming "IT'S NOT MY SECURITY DEPOSIT!"

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(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

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(313): View more from Michigan

Its against the rules to not make you aware of his virgin situation prior to penetration

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(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

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(815): View more from Illinois

He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(561): View more from Florida

I seriously might throw up right now. In class. Sunglasses on. I'm getting too old for this.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(360): View more from Washington

He's stoned as shit, eating breakfast cereal and taking a dump. All while listening to dubstep. We may never understand him.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Since you haven't talked to me since the rancid whipped cream fiasco, I'm going to assume we are no longer hooking up. But I need my handcuffs back. ASAP.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(954): View more from Florida

FYI the landlord called and plumbers will be tearing up the bathroom tomorrow. Apparently the tub is leaking into the apt below us so be sure to pee in the shower today.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just climbed to the top of a frozen waterfall! Do you want to do drugs tm night? The two are unrelated.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

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(253): View more from Washington

No no no. When you take one for the team, there are no stipulations or conditions

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(618): View more from Illinois

Remember when I booked a hotel room for next sat? Nneither do I.

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(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

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(971): View more from Oregon

No big deal, we were just two friends having sex. It's perfectly normal we don't remember. Water under the sex bridge,

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so, what part of "he's slept with a guy" do you not understand?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

EMERGENCY: IS A KAREOKE RICKROLL ACCEPTABLE IN THE YEAR 2011?

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(409): View more from Texas

Pre warning. Your not gonna sleep tonight cuz I'm staying with your roommate. Thanks for breaking up with me.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

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(347): View more from New York

your friend did not want a bj. we need to leave. this is very awkward.

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(915): View more from Texas

Were betting on little kids falling and racing for a drinking game at the wedding.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(720): View more from Colorado

Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

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(815): View more from Illinois

Gave the kid in the wheelchair at the bus stop a beer and proceede to lift him on the bus. porch drinking brings out the best in everyone

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He is to the point where he forgot I was in the front seat of his car while he was taking me home...that stoned

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(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.

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(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(478): View more from Georgia

All I remember is you introducing yourself to the entire basketball team using the line "I'll show you a slam dunk."

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(847): View more from Illinois

I full on slapped a girl with pizza. Like in the face with sauce splattered everywhere and grease with a hard slap to the face.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Need toilet paper. Napkins suck. Slowly running out of those two and the bleeding hasn't stopped. Your cat is next

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Who faxed a picture of their penis to the office printer?!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Dont even bother asking why she was dancing with him on top of a door, let alone how the door ended up being used as a table.

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Um, so I couldn't say it in person, but if you find my underwear in your office. Sorry. I couldn't find them, so yea.

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(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(713): View more from Texas

It was beyond pathetic. You yelled her name at every blonde chick we saw hoping it would be her. Then you puked your corn dog

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Went from beach to class to bar all while wearing my swimsuit as pants. Clearly I'm dressed for success.

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(520): View more from Arizona

remember, YOU ARE A WINNER

(410): View more from Maryland

my dinner was a box of cheezits simultaneously mixed in with cocoa puffs and fried rice.

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(618): View more from Illinois

This dude. Just lost. A finger. He asked us for tape.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(914): View more from New York

There's a big hole in the wall at the dining hall. I hope we didn't do

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she gave me a blowjob during our lunchbreak and expected me not to tell people

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

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(703): View more from Virginia

got woken up at 7:30 by a drunk girl asking me where she was... apparently she slept on my futon

(703): View more from Virginia

she was in a cheetah costume

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(206): View more from Washington

he broke into my appartment and left me a waffle maker...

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(515): View more from Iowa

What did I eat last night that was bloody?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I'm trying to think of how to explain to the dentist tomorrow that I think I pulled my jaw muscle eating pizza while drunk.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

thanks for carrying me to bed.. and sorry for trying to roll down the hallway to escape.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Shit, I may have left some acid in your bathroom last night. Has he been in there lately.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm pretty sure this is how polyamorous relationships begin.

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(281): View more from Texas

I think the best part was when you jumped over me naked.

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(303): View more from Colorado

According to the bell hop, we stumbled in about 4 and then cannon balled into the pool.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've also hijacked your can opener. Sadly not for the same sexual reason as the muddler.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You just begged me to mute the porn and watch her ass bounce while listening to dubstep the whole time.

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(313): View more from Michigan

he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(816): View more from Missouri

And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i seriously just licked my laptop for traces of blow from the other night

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just kept pointing at random people and telling the bartender to put it on their tab.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(512): View more from Texas

$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was super drunk. to the point where i was putting shredded cheese on a fork, putting hot sauce on it then dipping it in salsa. it was awesome.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(304): View more from West Virginia

what's not responsible about a pool full of beer?

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(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

we found you outside the hotel room sleeping with a note next to you that said " we made sure you were comfortable, hope your friends come back soon"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it's 8 a.m. and there are people having sex at the foot of the strangers bed i'm in. the guy just asked the girl how she lost her baby weight so fast.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You only ask me to come over when your gf is gone, and thats usually at midnight to cook chicken salad and watch you pass out

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(801): View more from Utah

I remember tearing his shower curtain down but I don't remember trying to shave my vag...

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

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(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

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(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Hes still mad that I left the room mid-hookup to go get a pickle from the fridge.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea

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(334): View more from Alabama

I tried to put the left over margartia in a box for you but they wouldn't let me

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(636): View more from Missouri

i don't think my dad can get all that mad since he got arrested for almost exactly the same thing last weekend

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(804): View more from Virginia

They are currently going door-to-door asking the neighbors to donate money for Cheez-Its and gift wrap. They asked me to stay back at the house to make another pitcher of margaritas.

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(559): View more from California

Yea, i was tied up and blindfolded. And someone was throwing chicken nuggets at my face.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Thanks for talking me down from peeing on his window last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

I am now curious as to how you would have aimed.

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(716): View more from New York

come on down! you are the next contestant on the night is drunk!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

She just got out of the car and said "hold on purse.. It's going to be a bumpy ride"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(905): View more from Ontario

was this before of after we tobbganned into that tree?

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(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

at what point did you see referring to the bartender as 'the white precious' a good idea??

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(309): View more from Illinois

I am not kidding you. There is an airport luggage cart overturned in my driveway. We need to stop going to the airport bar.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

that's not even the weird part though. he already knew where the bathroom was, he might have been here before..

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(301): View more from Maryland

Don't worry we found her. Somehow she ended up on my roof with 2 bar stools

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

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(330): View more from Ohio

the bar tender told me i could keep an air matress in the backroom.

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(516): View more from New York

you're a mystery wrapped in an enigma. wrapped inside a burrito.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hands down the most disgusting picture message ever received. Thank you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

im here for your entertainment

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(423): View more from Tennessee

In class ... We were just assigned groups for the quarter... Remember that night we took shots from that guys pants? I now know his name

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the amount of times i have wished for a boxed wine emoticon is almost alarming. almosttt

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

so he woke up after being passed out and yelled that he had brought back moon rocks for everybody...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Taking my tights off outside the club to give them to the homeless man was my contribution to humanity. The fact that it was snowing just made me feel like superman.

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(973): View more from New Jersey

searching "dave" under the university of pittsburgh on facebook was not exactly how i hoped to find my baby daddy

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(907): View more from Alaska

I thinking of taking all of the pics of his dick that he's sent me and making a calendar.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(407): View more from Florida

He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He blew a load on his roommates pillow just to piss him off. Why did you introduce me to these people?

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(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i've never seen someone face fit so perfectly in a toilet bowl

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(443): View more from Maryland

does it count as a threesome if she tried to blow the dude who was passed out next to us?

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(317): View more from Indiana

Fuck. I just got my nipple tweaked by a plus size drag queen in a purple dress. I feel like I got molested by Grimace.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Slept on the counter again. Mom covered me in an apron.

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(424): View more from California

he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

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(317): View more from Indiana

How did the whale quest end up? I saw u hit a little snag when the first one heard you call her that.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

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(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude there is absolutely no room for a slide in our room

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(805): View more from California

Did you really just use your nipple as a unit of measurement?

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(928): View more from Arizona

Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.

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(518): View more from New York

I also referred to her clitorous as her "vagina dot" last night...probably going to be dumped soon.

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(917): View more from New York City

The fact that you think you peed off a roof shows you shouldn't have been on a roof.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?

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(646): View more from New York

All I'm saying is that whoever owned the wheelchair clearly didn't need it or they wouldn't have been able to leave it there

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(614): View more from Ohio

It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl

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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hope to God 2011 is the year I stop loving tequila.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(903): View more from Texas

I definitely recall eating shredded cheese out of the bag while you were wearing that apron.

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Either way, he made a blog for his cat.

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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(727): View more from Florida

My dad just told the waiter to keep the pitchers coming until someone passes out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and blew hamburger out my nose. That kinda night.

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(302): View more from Delaware

You kept telling the cops that our ice luge was practice for the next winter olympics

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just feel like it would be irresponsible for you to not have sex with me again.

(614): View more from Ohio

My vagina agrees.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Highlight of my weekend: having my card suspended due to "suspicious charges" and standing in line at the gas station yelling at customer service on the phone that I really did go to 4 different strip clubs in one night

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(585): View more from New York

any interest in drunk sledding later? if not, any interest in driving me to the hospital later?

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(425): View more from Washington

You were walking around with a baby carrier pretending your vodka was a baby. You tried to get pictures on santas lap

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(513): View more from Ohio

im so sorry the vomit froze your passenger door shut... you should have stopped.

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(647): View more from Ontario

i had to cut you off after you shoved a bunch of bottle caps in your mouth and pretended you had braces.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

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(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

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(817): View more from Texas

In the ER. 2nd degree burns. Drunken attempt to make gasoline scented candles.

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(914): View more from New York

right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"

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(406): View more from Montana

Look dude I'm sorry I used your bong to snorkel in my bathtub last night

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(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

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(210): View more from Texas

I just told you I can't. My fingers are melting. I have discovered the high.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was so weird. I had like an out of body experience. I heard the moaning, but I didn't know it was me.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her little brother walked in right as I was finishing and was like "uhhh hey there's a lunar eclipse outside"

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(219): View more from Indiana

My Grampa even called her out for being a cock block at the bar...it was that serious

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(513): View more from Ohio

apparently i'm the only person who has heard from her since saturday. she texted me "burt reynolds" at 2am sunday

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(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

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(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him

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(239): View more from Florida

No I am not eating basil off your cock

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Getting wasted on top of a casino. My penis is so much higher than everyone else's right now.

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(850): View more from Florida

idk but i have you stored in my phone as 'guy with beard doing body shots'

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(626): View more from California

One girl peed the bed, one lost her panties, another woke up on the piano, I have pink eye and door knobs are missing. This is why I stay in Nebraska

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My mom made me write an apology letter to all my family for hijacking the eggnog.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not going out tonight. And so the 25 day drinking streak ends....

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(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I can think about is getting a lawsuit and chocolate

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(916): View more from California

Somewhere between catching the stove on fire and not being aware of it being on fire while I'm in the living room. I drank too much.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I found a big gulp cup full of vomit in my freezer, are you behind this?

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(650): View more from California

I hid a girl's boot last night so I could ransom it back this morning via the "blowjobs for boots" program.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hypothetically, how much legal trouble do you think i will be in for stealing someone's dog?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I stayed at the bar and helped clean up cause I was told I'd get free shots. Didn't happen.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Wore last nights jeans to Christmas Dinner with the fam, found a half gram of blow, while they're praying ill be railing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the girl next to me at the bar JUST looked down at her vagina and said "im going to get you fed". if i come home alone tonight...i give you permission to cut off my penis

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(646): View more from New York

just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

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(619): View more from California

Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

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(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

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(704): View more from North Carolina

2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(317): View more from Indiana

I may still return these pants. Depends how much they smell like alcohol by tmrw morning. I've already spilled once.

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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(913): View more from Kansas

You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

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(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's Christmas week. I wouldn't know what to do if i wasn't hung over.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(347): View more from New York

the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

My New Years Resolution is to come up with a new resolution monthly. January: decrease my shotgunning consumption speed to 7 seconds or less.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

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(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.

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(949): View more from California

The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm gonna sleep with her just to prove to my roomate that shes a slut and he's wasting his time

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(845): View more from New York

im not going to any frat parties next semester. for once i want them to think its actually hard to get in my vagina

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

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(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Do you remember using the heel of your shoe as a shish kabob stick? You offered me some chicken, but I declined.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(513): View more from Ohio

Remember that crazy chick I've been ignoring and said I wouldn't bang her again? Can we start that again part today?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I feel like I'm in a bed a bagels and mistakes.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(727): View more from Florida

Hey for future reference vodka can not be substituted for water when shaving your legs

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(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

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(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Get over here. It's an emergency. Just realized I haven't hd my mouth on a penis in two weeks. Get over here.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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(714): View more from California

Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(703): View more from Virginia

drunkie insisted on stuffing the rest of his scrambled eggs in his pockets before we left ihop. we really should have left a better tip

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(209): View more from California

Margaritas are 250 calories. Now measuring all food in margaritas

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(512): View more from Texas

He thinks that since we have been dating six months, that he can do the helicopter with his penis. Not okay.

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(716): View more from New York

you were cooking a hot pocket with a grill lighter what did you want me to do

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just wanted to hook up with a white guy to prove that i could go back.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I would like to apologize for asking to take advantage of you, wishing you a horny Hanukkah and whatever "abd ethw prnym to mzbe yur penis cna be friends" means.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

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(425): View more from Washington

They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(716): View more from New York

So even though we broke up apparently according to my voice mail you still like me, with smurfs while riding on a boat.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

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(917): View more from New York City

im still trying to figure out who put the honey mustard in the blender then put the entire blender into the freezer

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How's work?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Spinning.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.

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(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Bad news is I found gravy in my nightstand again.

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(310): View more from California

My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i think the doormans mad at me

(773): View more from Illinois

well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...

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(512): View more from Texas

dont be like that, i wasnt picking him over you. I was picking multiple orgasms over zoolander.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you know, even black out drunk I can always remember the exact point where I should have stopped drinking.

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(713): View more from Texas

I dont think he stole the pillow. I mean if he wanted a souvenir, my thong was on the nightstand.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

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(807): View more from Ontario

I knew it was different as soon as you told me you slept with him and didn't tell me about his dick

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

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(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

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(619): View more from California

i don't care how ready and willing she is. she is where penises go to die

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(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

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(650): View more from California

Using a Nedi Pot after doing lines... at least I'm a health conscious drug user?

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(518): View more from New York

i just remembered the time you guys tried to give me an intervention because i was drunk before 5 on a monday

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(281): View more from Texas

thank god my boss can't smell the tequila on my breathe over the phone.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

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(810): View more from Michigan

GET THE DICK OUT OF YOUR MOUTH AND CHECK FACEBOOK.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Please stop using the dehumidifier for your weed.

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(415): View more from California

they arrested me when i was peaking, i'm pretty sure they were specifically looking for me but i was too busy rolling around, loving the grass to notice the police car..

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm sorry. I really don't see what's wrong with pregaming before a wine tasting.This champagne won't drink itself.

(616): View more from Michigan

The wine tasting is just for charity anyways...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Careful when you walk in I'm laying by the door.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

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(630): View more from Illinois

The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's not my theme song, it's my blowjob song. There's a difference.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was so drunk that I didn't realize he was staying at the Waldorf. I walk of shamed the Astoria, do you even know what this means?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I apparently texted him "since you're taking time out to think about us. You probably need to think about me getting arrested right now."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you made them have somersault races with you thru the lobby..

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(813): View more from Florida

One blow job doesn not make me gay.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept going on about how you couldnt haven been the one throwing up because you were peeing in circles.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

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(216): View more from Ohio

For future reference, never invite the people you met at Dunkin Donuts at 2am to your house to watch Dogma

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(620): View more from Kansas

Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(845): View more from New York

the bartender cut u off when u asked him for his screename so u could IM him later

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(775): View more from Nevada

you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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(817): View more from Texas

Her gay brother kept hitting on me and cockblocking me. Don't even begin to tell me how bad your night was.

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(206): View more from Washington

i want to swaddle you in tequila

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

a cabby told me that vodka is the coors light of liquor, and then gave me his number

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(903): View more from Texas

I told him I'd rather have sex with his father last night. I'll admit now that I was drunk.

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(480): View more from Arizona

this is the last time we take the mathletes drinking.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I changed the background on my phone to a picture of you so whenever I go to look at porn or text another girl I'll have second thoughts

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

Am I supposed to find that romantic?

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(513): View more from Ohio

If our dicks could shake hands in congratulations they would

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(913): View more from Kansas

When she talks to me all I hear are 5 generations of inbreeding speaking.

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(540): View more from Virginia

i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

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(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(979): View more from Texas

How sober do you have to be to donate blood?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Can you confirm that Victor fucked a girl for Jack in the Box tacos?

(217): View more from Illinois

I cannot, but I know he fucked a girl for a Nerf hoop and a "Kingpin" dvd.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."

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(212): View more from New York

Apparantly 7 1/2 Vicodin is a 1/2 too many.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

FYI, when you wake up, please note that I puked in your shoes because I sstubbed my tooee, not becus I was drunk.

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(310): View more from California

The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.

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(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

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(518): View more from New York

it's like doing a sit-up... but, you're inside someone

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(919): View more from North Carolina

its not fair. if i was a guy, i'd be getting a high five for banging two in one night.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(305): View more from Florida

he busted in while i was showering looked at me and said "youve lost weight bro, no homo" and started puking into the sink

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wonder if you can snort coke upside down

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, be my cock's hype man.

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(613): View more from Ontario

you were sleeping on the floor, then you woke up and told me you were not comfy enough. You took the carpet in the bathroom put it in the bath and you slept there.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Hey so summary of last night. I threw up in a rain boot then tipped it over on my bed, did my laundry and passed the fuck out. I feel like I didn't see you.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he said he has something really important to tell me but isn't ready yet. It's either that he loves me or has herpes

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(630): View more from Illinois

nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(510): View more from California

I get way too drunk to be trusted with family heirlooms

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(630): View more from Illinois

We decided that the paper cups disintegrating was god's way of telling us we had had enough

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just saw your girl from last night... Be embarrassed

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bartender just started bringing me gin and tonic in a pint glass to save himself trips...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

cat food counts as protein by the way

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

he just came in and straightened the chair and left again

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Well i tried snorting sugar. so either that made me puke or the fact that i drank water from a fish tank

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.

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(510): View more from California

Just found out I reached my $2500 deductible and I have a $5 million dollar cap on my health insurance. Let's get drunk and do something recklessly stupid tonight.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Just had a serious bathroom emergency at walmart a and it appears that i ate a taco bell burrito wrapper last night

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just remembered last night waiting for you to pick me up wearing my bra on my head to protect me from the rain

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(806): View more from Texas

That's why she's the girl with her life together and you're the girl with the penis drawn on your car.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(360): View more from Washington

Well, I was going to ask you what happened to all my lipstick. Until I saw the giant red penis on my living room wall.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You totally drew a penis wizard on my closet that says "I travel for cock rock"

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(708): View more from Illinois

sorry for throwing an entire water bottle of vodka at you. It was very wasteful

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(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Also, I had a dream I had a ray gun and woke up holding my dick.

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(309): View more from Illinois

The "puke-towel" started to grow something...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(330): View more from Ohio

Give me a few hours to remember what being sober feels like.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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(631): View more from New York

ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(850): View more from Florida

i did the responsible thing and pissed myself...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(954): View more from Florida

Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(707): View more from California

Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(281): View more from Texas

His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(209): View more from California

is it sad that i can describe this night as "the night that i was sober" and we all know which night it was. like literally one night of sobriety.

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(618): View more from Illinois

You asked me to be the big spoon, when you passed out on the stairs

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(561): View more from Florida

oh no, im for sure still drunk. i wana eat evrything in the fancy feast commercial... everything

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(818): View more from California

I honestly don't know what my boundaries are, but shitting on me is crossing them.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(951): View more from California

she said 'i love fried rice', threw a condom at me and passed out naked.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Said he made a playlist for taking a shit. only two songs on it are the Star Wars theme and "America, fuck yeah" set to repeat.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you threatened to puke on the table cause they didnt serve eggs Benedict

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(210): View more from Texas

Just made hot dog dorito pasta. It happened.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah I tried to leave with 3 drinks and the bouncer wouldn't let me, I slammed all 3 right in front of him and football spiked them in the trash can

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(813): View more from Florida

Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He kept saying that the puke outside the theater wasn't his and it was all a set up to keep him from partying with the whores. Then he passed out on the sidewalk.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(305): View more from Florida

Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I woke up this morning to my phone notebook open and written was "reasons why I'm a whore in chronological order" then it listed everybody I've had sex with in the past five months.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You tried to poop in the sink last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Welll when you have a beer at 8:30 am you've already decided whaat kind of Sunday it ism

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(251): View more from Alabama

Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

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(718): View more from New York

The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(516): View more from New York

i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor

(1-516): View more from New York

did you bang her?

(516): View more from New York

seriously?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You tried to get the stranger on the sea bus to give you a bite of his chicken sub by repeating over and over "im in a girl band"

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(407): View more from Florida

Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Naturally, I just peed all over the floor. Two guys in front of me looked at me, but i just shrugged. They won't remember either.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

normally i wouldnt have blown him but he was on dawsons creek.. i love dawsons creek.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(415): View more from California

i walked toward the cop car thinking it was the liquor store lights nd by that time it was too late to escape the trap

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Sorry about your blender, your tiolet, your weed, and your dog...

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I'm eager to hear this explaination.

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(315): View more from New York

at john mayer concert. alone. to many highschool kids. i feel like a drunk chaperone with a pomegranite martini mustache

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

There are many reasons why he shouldn't come over. And each one is longer than his penis.

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(315): View more from New York

I'd like to say he was whispering sweet nothings into my ear all night but really he was just whispering "pussyyy"

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(254): View more from Texas

it wasn't the penis i had been hoping for.....but i took it regardless.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

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(512): View more from Texas

there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(801): View more from Utah

So apparently I shook her hand very polite, said weiner and walked away

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(941): View more from Florida

I really should sober up and deal with this hangover

(941): View more from Florida

It seems to be one of those life decisions I'm perfectly content never making though

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

well, 500 bucks doesn't grown on trees, and i need that bear suit for any chance of vagina access.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I threw a jar of pickles out the window at a police car, why was that not a good enough reason to put me to bed?

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

This wouldn't happen so much if fat girls would just stop being so damn easy.

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(740): View more from Ohio

His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(905): View more from Ontario

It was mandatory to shotgun a beer before we were allowed to eat dinner

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i dont even feel safe using a push mower...that hungover

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(253): View more from Washington

Tostitos Scoops as shot glasses. Eat for chaser.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(727): View more from Florida

Don't remember much from last night, but I recall slipping you the tounge. For that I apologize

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

The google font looked peculiar last night, but then up close I realized it was just dry vomit.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just threw up in a patch of wild flowers on the side of the road. I never knew rock bottom was so beautiful.

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(281): View more from Texas

i just burped and it tasted like condom. please tell me i wasn't lame and made that guy wear one for a bj last night.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we made malted milkshakes. malt as in malt liqour.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

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(817): View more from Texas

You leave a trail of fuck everywhere you go

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(720): View more from Colorado

I lost count of how many people I peed on last night.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I don't think a check that has "thx for the drugs" on the note is really gonna fly.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

when i was alone, his dick was there for me...

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(253): View more from Washington

waking up outside has become so normal, the paper boy knows to set the paper next to me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

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(585): View more from New York

I still have your handprint on my ass. You're not allowed to ignore me yet.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(904): View more from Florida

I found out why we traded puke covered dresses in the bathroom.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

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(816): View more from Missouri

She asked me why I was wearing a Batman Suit. Have I ever needed a reason to wear a Batman Suit?

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(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(678): View more from Georgia

Climbing onto the roof in a dress and high heeled boots was probably not the best idea, especially after all that Bacardi.

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(917): View more from New York City

My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Got drunk. Then they sung "we didnt start the fire" to my other cousin who accidentally burnt down the house when she was younger.

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(517): View more from Michigan

woke up this morning to find the entire staircase covered in marinara sauce, with my roommate practically sobbing and scrubbing the wall with carpet cleaner.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Well, McDonalds 'escorted' me out after I passed out mid-order

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(515): View more from Iowa

The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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(904): View more from Florida

Fuck him. I'll set him on fire for you. Then we'll see how good of a firefighter he is.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There is so much to learn about oneself from autofill.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i would eat my own dick if it were covered in nutella

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(908): View more from New Jersey

so its official, girls can see a boner through my snuggie.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I started dry heaving in the middle of sex and she says "You moan funny."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(206): View more from Washington

woke up to the trail of sugar cubes leading to my bed........was i that uncooperative last night

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(360): View more from Washington

I think i accidentally made vodka pancakes

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(347): View more from New York

she is like cheap alcohol. you can only get so buzzed before you get sick.

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(316): View more from Kansas

toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(214): View more from Texas

Let's put it this way, it's 9am and that box of wine looks like the cure

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(425): View more from Washington

i lose more brain cells when ever she opens her mouth then i would doing meth for 8 years of my life.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Crosby and Malkin: Two girls, one cup.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I dont shave on purpose to keep myself from being slutastic!! it usually works

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(416): View more from Ontario

If I don't come home tonight, I've died in a pile of gay.

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I don't remember. Are we still dating?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(386): View more from Florida

I wanna passion pit in your ass

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will never try to masturbate with americas funniest home videos playing in the background ever again

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(650): View more from California

Remember when I was so high that I thought my appendix burst? All I had to do was fart man, just fart.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I wish orgasms lasted as long as the pain from rug burn

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I vomitted in the hotel where they film gossip girl last night. Everywhere.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

you know that dress I got margarita and puke on? yeah, just returned it.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(765): View more from Indiana

you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

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(703): View more from Virginia

is it bad that the only reason i knew what antidote meant in class today, was from years of playing pokemon?

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(705): View more from Ontario

never. drinking. again.

(1-705): View more from Ontario

lets not get ahead of ourselves.

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(904): View more from Florida

I feel like if I were on Intervention, I would have to be a season finale.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So... I'm really sorry I tried to sell you to random people in cars last night

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(910): View more from North Carolina

So i think we're being coned into a threesome with the promise of pokemon

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(330): View more from Ohio

now everythime i write "i'm" in my phone my tap9 spells out "i'm-never-drinking-again". It's trying to remind me

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

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(602): View more from Arizona

So instead of cumming in her, I peed in her...

(623): View more from Arizona

What did she do!?

(602): View more from Arizona

I didn't tell her...

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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