Texts From Last Night · ralphmacio's Favorites

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(206): View more from Washington

My knees are skinned from sitting on someone's face on concrete

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

There's "red head", "preppy white girl" and "the two Asians I dated and now everyone thinks I like Asians"

(516): View more from New York

Your dating history is like the united colors of Benetton

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There was a huge crash. I came out of my room to find you sprawled out at the bottom of the stairs in your bra and panties. You looked at me, yelled 'WHAT AM I DOING WITH MY LIFE' and then ran back into his room.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just took three of the most beautiful hits of my life. As elegant and smooth and delicate and graceful as figure skating

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(734): View more from Michigan

Yeah. Got a major ego boost when she said she felt like she had just fucked King Arthur. Buying some donuts later to celebrate with, wanna join?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I've found my spirit animal. I'm a Snapple bottle. If you take my top off I'll tell you a fact about science.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm seeing double so when I get home can we have a threesome?

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry was covered in semen when you texted me. Just walking back from the Harvard Club

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

All you needed to say was one of those sentences and the other would've been implied.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I sent her a picture of Richard Nixon and said "these are the only dick pics I send".

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm too stoned to come over for sex

(813): View more from Florida

Yes that is a Krispy Kreme doughnut on my cock

(727): View more from Florida

I'll be right over

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Drugs are gluten free tho, right?

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(817): View more from Texas

I told my grandmother all I want is a nice guy who likes to be tied up.

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(845): View more from New York

brushed my teeth nine times since getting home, still afraid there are pubes hiding in between my molars. fucking gummy bears

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(941): View more from Florida

Should I be concerned you put your last name in my phone as "danger"?

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(936): View more from Texas

It's a little weird that I'm blowing my wingman.

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(940): View more from Texas

I should rephrase... I'm trying to not sit on other peoples faces besides my boyfriends.

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(905): View more from Ontario

He didn't even realize I was drunk. He probably just thought I loved Torchwood so much that I no longer knew how to use my thumbs

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

For future reference. Do not congratulate the bar tender at oscars she is not pregnant she has just gotten fat u will get a shot thrown in your face

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just made a floating bacon boat for the hot tub. This is what America is all about.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I know you're asleep, but I just had a motherfucking epiphany.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

God I miss you. I want to fuck your face... Then do all the girly cuddly shit too.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

The amount of knuckle children I've had to the Farrah Abraham sex tape is disturbing and impressive

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i went out at 5pm and cant remember anything until 3am...i was at the bus stop parking lot running around doing the Arrested Development chicken calls.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Hey, I'm off work. Wanna take a metric fuckton of adderall, possibly get daydrunk, and get my hair cut?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I mean, that's eating your cake and fucking it too.

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(813): View more from Florida

I still have your make up all over the inside of my thighs from the face sitting. Free tonight?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Romantically speaking, I want to sit on his face.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

That rando I gave head to on the beach just endorsed me on LinkedIn for Oral Communication Skills. So there's that.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just realized that in 3 weeks it becomes sad if I make everything into a drinking game. Fuck growing up

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(802): View more from Vermont

as i sobered up i realized that her cute accent was actually a speech impediment

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(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when the dude you blew on camera in college friend requests you on Facebook.

(315): View more from New York

Who is this?!????

(518): View more from New York

That awkward moment when you think you're texting a friend the above statement, but instead you text a stranger.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A very confused plastic surgeon just called. Apparently I called asking how much it costs to get a vodka funnel installed straight to my brain...

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(956): View more from Texas

I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is it inception if it feels like another uterus is going to burst out of my current uterus?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

ok. i'm ready for you to come back and test the structural integrity of this futon.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I rolled over and my thoughts became words and I said "oh fuck not you again" he didn't think that was too kind and asked me to leave

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(708): View more from Illinois

I don't listen when you talk. I just try to find new creative ways to get you to send me naked pictures.

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(512): View more from Texas

They shouted last call and the guy next to me and I looked each other up and down and went in unison "yup, you'll do"

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(516): View more from New York

Def something wrong w taking plan b with your daughters juice box

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I have cum and leaves all over me. Don't ask questions.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I'm just saying, no one has ever made me laugh or cum as hard as you do. Sometimes at the same time which I didn't know was possible. Is there even a word for that besides love?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My head feels like a nest made of hair and cum

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Life is too short to have fake orgasms.

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(513): View more from Ohio

That's actually a fantastic idea... The kinky sex dungeon will be vastly improved by the addition of a lightsaber

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum

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(303): View more from Colorado

The best part about living in a college town is the annual rush of senior girls who want to get in their lesbian experiment before they graduate.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Drunkenly bought a $240 realtor course last night. Apparently even drunk me thinks my future is going nowhere

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

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(541): View more from Oregon

And on that day, Satan said; "Let there be the friend zone and let us get fucking high." while Jesus silently cried in the background.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Did you like my voicemail? Sounded like I was being murdered, right?

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

By a pack of ravenous dildos

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He made me eat donuts off his dick. donuts, jen. DONUTS.

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(706): View more from Georgia

after we were done she whispered to my dick "you sir, are a genius"

(404): View more from Georgia

I guess all those years with her as your babysitter finally paid off.

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(+61): View more from Australia

The security guard popped his head over the mens room door and goes "nice tits- now get out." Deer in headlights moment right there.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Having the sex-a-thon in the back yard led to some really odd tan lines.

(615): View more from Tennessee

Like handprints on my lower back...

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(226): View more from Ontario

This essay is so getting done. I am spurred on by thoughts of test-driving your newly shaven face by sitting on it as soon as humanly possible.

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(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ok more importantly someone in a chicken costume just stepped in front of my car and started breakdancing...

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(314): View more from Missouri

The whole movie was ruined when some chick started laughing with what you could tell was QUITE the mouthful. This of course made the guy laugh harder.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

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(407): View more from Florida

Confession: Sometimes I wear my stolen scrubs to the corner store because people will think I'm a doctor and not just a girl too lazy to change out of her pajamas.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Yea. I couldn't get a job in fast food but I can teach Americas youth. The future looks great

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungry

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

(617): View more from Massachusetts

i want to face-plant into her vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Life for us students isn't all fun and drunken lesbian affairs you know

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(567): View more from Ohio

I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

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(716): View more from New York

i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(812): View more from Indiana

After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you hit me with your dick and make light saber noises we are breaking up. I don't care if it's your birthday, you are not a sex Jedi.

(518): View more from New York

So is singing the star wars theme as I put the condom on off limits?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No clues in my phone. Only dialed call: my own social security number. And that was before 10:00pm.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

But he found my shoe...that at least deserves a handjob.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I JUST MACED MY OWN FACE

(1-847): View more from Illinois

This is by far the best text I have ever woken up to.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The last thing I want is a chocolate mold of my cock competing with my real cock for time spent in your mouth

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just found an "inspected with pride" sticker on or around my vagina

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(435): View more from Utah

she asked how her costume looked and all i could say was bars are dark right?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So he was supposed to be helping me with my math but instead we ended up drinking coconut rum in his basement and having sex. I think my mom was right, getting a tutor will be good for me. Relieves the stress.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

dude I just got a noise complaint from my apartment people for loud sexual activities. I'm framing this for sure

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I woke up in her bed, she woke up in mine. Apparently there was a miscommunication after the 8th jager bomb.

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(785): View more from Kansas

totally just got a week extension on my midterm by telling my prof that I had just found out I was adopted

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

duuuude the clock in this car says its 85 past 19.

(856): View more from New Jersey

dear god, who put you in a cab?

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(313): View more from Michigan

I mean really it's like when you're super hungry and you can't decide what to eat, you just know you want food. This is that situation, but for my vagina

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(740): View more from Ohio

I legit just said "vaginal access denied" then told him his password hint was "tequila shots"

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(540): View more from Virginia

i feel like the wall was a canvas for his penis.

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(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

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(360): View more from Washington

Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Not only is it unacceptable to be bar hopping alone at 5 o'clock. It is definitely unacceptable to do so with a lobster

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(504): View more from Louisiana

seriously considering responding to a craigslist ad for a lesbian cunninlingus instructor...at this point i'm so desperate for a job that i'm willing to switch teams.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(540): View more from Virginia

The chick I hooked up with last night is my girlfriend older sister. Who is in town visiting. Who I just met. Who I just had dinner With. Who is here along with their parents and the whole family. How did my luck get so bad?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Is it uncouth to have a themed intervention? I know how much you like Star Wars.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It's just like riding a bike. Only it's a dude's face.

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(847): View more from Illinois

What sexual position says im sorry for your loss?

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

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(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(206): View more from Washington

In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(234): View more from Ohio

Frozen pudding on a popsicle stick. Bill Cosby would be so proud of drunk me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

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(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(817): View more from Texas

I kept reassuring him that I was easy like Sunday morning, not easy like "I've had 6 shots of tequila and haven't had sex in three months"

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

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(408): View more from California

Year anniversary in a month. Think I'll just give him a COME ON MY FACE FREE card. I'm both broke and shameless.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He sent me an email apologizing for sleeping with her...and by that I mean he sent a picture of his dick to my school e-mail

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(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Are we going out tonight?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

My conscience says no but my vag says yes

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(850): View more from Florida

Apparently it's poor taste to ask for a break up blow job...in McDonald's. Also, that's not the best way to break the news either.

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(513): View more from Ohio

With any luck I will spend the duration of this flight with my tray table up my seatbelt securely fastened and my face in his lap

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Gooodnight my beautiful sex angel. Much luvz for joo, etceteraz

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm practically paying him in tacos to have sex with me.

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(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(435): View more from Utah

Sorry about the voicemail last night, people in hostel thought getting the clap from cheating on me wasn't enough and you hearing a 6 foot 5 Swedish dude bang the shit out of me was needed.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

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(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(309): View more from Illinois

It's not like I'm never gonna put out again. I'm a sure thing. I promise.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I know. She seems like she getting that "need some dick" restlessness. Might explain the feisty attitude

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

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(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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(630): View more from Illinois

This girl did not understand, once police sirens go on, road-head needs to STOP

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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and yes i will spend 10 dollars on a vibrating toothbrush to masturbate but not a calculator for my test

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(970): View more from Colorado

I've reached the slutty point of no return. And it feels like multiple orgasms and coke lines

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

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(704): View more from North Carolina

the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.

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(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(314): View more from Missouri

She had her underwear around her neck. No one can tell me i'm a slut now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Yep. Just threw myself a bachelorette party with my coworkers penis before I re-enter the holy order of monogomous relationships.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just because its your birthday does not mean u can play quarters by dropping quarters into cups to make me drink.

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(813): View more from Florida

Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

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(504): View more from Louisiana

The salesman looked at me like I was crazy when I explained the need for a headboard that had slats so I could handcuff people to it

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I feel like wearing underwear would just be poor planning

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(904): View more from Florida

I keep hearing lesbian porn and I'm the only one home. I don't think this is healthy

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You do realize that we got a stripper to do the YMCA for us on the main stage... Right?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am seriously considering thanking Macallan 18 in my thesis acknowledgments.

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(708): View more from Illinois

this girl is like a spa retreat for my dick

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(519): View more from Ontario

I can't believe we had "50th anniversary of man in space" sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He asked if I wanted to "hang out"

(410): View more from Maryland

A verb which here means "do lines off my dick"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I think I'm going to make a pina klonopin before class.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Quite frankly, I consider the fact that I'm NOT pregnant one of my greatest achievements and I'd like to chronicle that ongoing success. I'm going to post pictures of me at "0 weeks" once a week.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(408): View more from California

Just tried my new showerhead. Sex with Brian will never be the same.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So im on with some ukrainian stripper for a vodka tasting tomorrow. If I die tell my family im awesome

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(937): View more from Ohio

She came back in her actual cheerleader uniform. Made a bad bj tolerable.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

she called for a booty call so i sent mike as my stunt double

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(360): View more from Washington

you inspire me to be a worse person

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Agreed. And i highly doubt it could be awkward. You do remember our introduction was a direct result of you mentioning your affinity for my genitals, right?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(408): View more from California

Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sorry I fell asleep again. I'm in the shower now. Door is unlocked. Condoms are in my desk. I want your game face on for when I get out.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(727): View more from Florida

I could write a book on how to barely get by in community college. I just took an online quiz on my phone, at the bar, 6 minutes before it was due.

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(845): View more from New York

Of course he wants me there for his birthday. If a girl offers you a blowjob for every year of your life, you're gonna want her to be there.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Im pretty sure it started going awry when I asked their mom "How much would it cost me to sleep with your daughters"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I tipped the hot bartender my entire wallet. Again.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I was the last girl at the bar last night. It was like a battle royale between 10 guys.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Just fell asleep during a bikini wax. Thank god for day drinking.

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(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

he went to have surgery in the morning and apparently they found lip gloss on his dick

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(734): View more from Michigan

How do i tell my boyfriend " I'm taking the two weeks im in Europe to fuck my way across 9 countries" in a way where we will still be together?

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(701): View more from North Dakota

ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(253): View more from Washington

So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(970): View more from Colorado

I don't know what you told him but please make him stop telling me about his new video camera and winking

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

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(212): View more from New York

it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

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(408): View more from California

My last memory involves me naked in a mens's bathroom stall. I really hope my date was with me.

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(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

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(812): View more from Indiana

For the love of God you used a 40 foot extension cord to bungee jump out the off the 2 nd floor

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You had a towel around you and you called it your shot bib.

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(406): View more from Montana

i think i can safely say that is the weirdest thing you've ever propositioned me with. so obviously my answer is yes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

she made out with a stripper. how was scrabble night with your girlfriend

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Look, we all have our slutty phases. Mine is just forever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I think a used vibrator from amazon.com is a great valentines day gift foe my ex.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(630): View more from Illinois

He got arrested in front of the church last night. Looks like we need to find a new location for the wedding.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(716): View more from New York

It's my diet secret . . . it's like slimfast but I call it cockfast instead.

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(206): View more from Washington

At what point were we discussing suction-cupping a dildo to the wall?

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(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not christmas eve unless I give him head. I wont take no for an answer

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(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

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(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

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(708): View more from Illinois

I feel like he knows I had a dream about him eating me out in the janitors closet at the holiday party. He's giving me THAT look.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(562): View more from California

Whatever. They have the same name, so it's not even cheating. It's brand loyalty.

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(269): View more from Michigan

its hard to take this fight seriously when one dude is an oompa loompa, and the other is a "g spot"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I told him to show me what he was made of and he came on my face. law students are so technical.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(949): View more from California

just walked into the room and her sister said loudly, "do him, or I will."

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(713): View more from Texas

Just had to explain to a senior manager why I had duct tape residue on my wrist and hand. This weekend was a success.

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(718): View more from New York

did the hipsters beat you up because you are more ironic than they are?

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(618): View more from Illinois

do you remember what downloading porn with a 14k modem was like?

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you can't accept "I'm sorry I was mean to you" bjs from 19 year old girls, then who can you

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(530): View more from California

If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(404): View more from Georgia

I thought he was kidding when he said pretend to be a dunkin donut delivery women. This is the last time I ever role play.

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Do you think people stop being hipsters when they're naked? because that's what my research shows.

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(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(408): View more from California

I don't have enough holes for all these australians

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(510): View more from California

I woke up to him trying to put his dick in my mouth. When I asked him what he was doing he said he was trying to make me stop snoring...

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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(647): View more from Ontario

Played "Which Couple Will Take Me Home Tonight" at the bar last night... I can now cross three-some off my bucket list

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a drinking merit badge from a slutty girl scout

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(806): View more from Texas

A guy just tried to send me a pic of his penis & my phone sent me a disclaimer saying "the components were unsuitable for your terminal"

(501): View more from Arkansas

Even your phone knows you shouldn't sleep with him...

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(330): View more from Ohio

thanks 4 putting "im not your boyfriend baby" on my sex playlist. she just got pissed and left.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(785): View more from Kansas

I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to let you know that if you dont tell me to stop texting i will still keep on trying, you matter to me

(1-313): View more from Michigan

restraining order is on its way, crazy bitch

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(309): View more from Illinois

so I found out that he is the older brother of a friend of mine from high school

(1-309): View more from Illinois

awkward

(309): View more from Illinois

no it got awkward about 40mins later when he invited me to stay the night...with him and his girlfriend.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the thought of Anne Coulter teabagging Dick Cheney kills me everytime.

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(408): View more from California

if tampons were more like dildos the world would be a better place

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(417): View more from Missouri

p.s. you have a small clit

(1-417): View more from Missouri

YOU ARE THE MOST AWKWARD PERSON ALIVE.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(440): View more from Ohio

Saw a Delta Zeta recruitment poster today. On it, somebody added, "All you need is your daddy's credit card and a lack of self-respect."

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I think its a sure sign I need to get laid when every cloud in the sky looks like a penis.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(352): View more from Florida

I told him that he is like a snow storm I never know when he is coming, how many inches I will get, or how long it will last

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

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(703): View more from Virginia

i really like this girl i slept with last night

(202): View more from Washington, DC

you ask her out again?

(703): View more from Virginia

yeah but she said she is busy next weekend getting married

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(785): View more from Kansas

Its a good thing the lights were off cuz Im pretty sure the look on my face when I touched his penis would have offended him

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(703): View more from Virginia

using the left over highlighters from the blacklight party to study for finals. feeling the need to write insert penis here on my econ notes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

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(205): View more from Alabama

The walk of shame is slightly more complicated when you wake up in the wrong country...

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(415): View more from California

I set the bag of cheetos on the open box on my coffee table while I was watching TV. I was so high I ate half of the styrofoam peanuts in the box by accident. Am I going to die?

(510): View more from California

I hope so

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The world needs more lipstick lesbians, if anything.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No, computers are like whores. moody bitches that cost too much and no matter how much protection you have you can still get a virus

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(248): View more from Michigan

the chick doesn't look like she's put anything in her mouth for weeks other than his dick.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Remember how we wr so drunk last nite we cldnt find whr i shot my load? ...found some of it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum

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(323): View more from California

I would do things to you that would get us burned at the stake if we lived in a puritan village.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Don't make out with my wife yet

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well you broke that rule when you put it in your mouth.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(314): View more from Missouri

What I lack in compassion I make up for in lack of compassion

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I totally give up. Optimus Prime just fell from the top of the Great Pyramid into the hypostyle hall at Karnak.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just puked in a purse in the store. some girl asked if i was gonna buy it now and i laughed and asked her why id want a bag some dude just puked in. her face looked like she saw the devil.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Does my surprise involve the use of a safe word?

(440): View more from Ohio

Probably.

(216): View more from Ohio

I'm in.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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(785): View more from Kansas

Today's lesson: while in the shower, one should choose between either drinking OR shaving. Not both.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(914): View more from New York

We had a long talk in which he told me he respects me more than any other girl. 30 minutes later, I got a facial.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She walked in the room and sighed really loudly fishing for attention. but I didn't bite cuz I don't give a fuck what's wrong with her.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(+77): View more from

her last google searches are 'cheap african safari' and 'what does lion taste like'

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(972): View more from Texas

He didn't know it yet but he was about to go down on me.

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(805): View more from California

she lunged for my junk like it was the cure for swine flu

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm sooo using this pickup line: "Baby, its not the 2.5 inches... Its the 200 pounds behind it"

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Actions speak louder than pants.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I am swimming in semen. He must have been holding it in for a special occasion.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(518): View more from New York

are you sure you're not interested? he's the dunkin donuts employee of the month.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She sucked her thumb until she was 17. It's like my dick was born to be in her mouth.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i dont care if i had to wear a dress to fuck her, she was super hot and i stand by my decision

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(574): View more from Indiana

pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(416): View more from Ontario

So we tried to 69 with him on top. NEVER TRY IT. His balls were in my eyes and it was terrifying.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Have you ever slowed down next to the oldest people on the highway while getting road head just to see their extended reaction?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(720): View more from Colorado

I got fingered by sexual harassment panda last night, by a van, I can't remember if he took off his furry panda hands...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(770): View more from Georgia

and technically it was a rebound

(407): View more from Florida

so lol

(770): View more from Georgia

and then you got rebounded for the same girl he rebounded you for and still never scored ... it was like watching an LA Clippers game

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He came on my face and tried to draw out a smiley face because he said I looked like I had a bad day

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(703): View more from Virginia

I need to talk to you about an important matter involving lesbians.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

you know you're not getting laid when you start breaking awkward silences with quotes from Robot Chicken

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(609): View more from New Jersey

im sorry but my first introduction to your dick isn't going to be a pic sent from the men's room

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(716): View more from New York

you ran into the room and announced "I JUST FUCKED HER IN THE ASS". apparently you forgot she left the bedroom 5 minutes before you and was standing with us all.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He told me he could read braille... with his tongue. So I took him home. I don't think he was lying

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(630): View more from Illinois

We had sex in the woods. It was great until some bird started mimicking my orgasm sounds

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(760): View more from California

I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart

(508): View more from Massachusetts

These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(607): View more from New York

I Just paid off the bartender to help me convince this chic my roommate's gay. This is the best cockblock ever.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm gonna do things to you that will make the neighbors want to move.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

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(651): View more from Minnesota

she needs to learn to take compliments like she takes dicks.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm good, just tired from chardonnay and giving hand jobs.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We even fucked WHILE he was making me breakfast in bed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(916): View more from California

So does your leg always twitch violently when someone plays with your clitoris? Or has my ten years of piano playing finally paid off?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just saw a guiness commercial where the guiness was on the verge of spilling the whole time. i was on the edge of my seat scared shitless. im an alcoholic.

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(818): View more from California

I wish my mouth had a period so that could be my excuse on those days I don't feel like giving head

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(574): View more from Indiana

no today was horrible, i woke up and somebody slit my car tire and left an apology letter in my wiper that said "sorry wrong house"

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Sorry about teling your dad i'd have sex with him last night in front of your mom while i was drunk

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(845): View more from New York

don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

after last night i think it would be a good idea if i wrote a will... you know, just in case.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Want to have sex later?

(614): View more from Ohio

This feels like a trap

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(248): View more from Michigan

the fundamentals of my vasectemy are strong

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(256): View more from Alabama

I'm about to take my first shit since thursday. I'm scared. pray for me. If I don't make it, tell my family I love them.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Saying you want a bj does not count as saying you wanna see me btw.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Now that Steinbrenner is in heaven he's going to make Jesus cut his hair

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No, I stopped taking my meds because I like crazy me better

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(235): View more from

I just don't get it. Video games don't suck his dick.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(802): View more from Vermont

But when he came on my stomach I noticed how tan I was!

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(516): View more from New York

It was just pointed out to me in a meeting that there is a lipstick stain on my crotch.

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(614): View more from Ohio

...is it true? will i see you next weekend

(248): View more from Michigan

YES.

(614): View more from Ohio

ah, i can't wait till there's negative 2 inches between us

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(702): View more from Nevada

Then she called me a home wrecking whore.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(925): View more from California

never have phone sex with a hardcore republican during this health care crisis . just dont.

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(757): View more from Virginia

She made the grapes disappear! ALL OF THEM!!!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've never heard her scream louder than when the koreans scored. what am i lacking in bed?

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(407): View more from Florida

So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(847): View more from Illinois

dude, osama threatened the US again

(1-847): View more from Illinois

dude. i slept with your sister last night

(847): View more from Illinois

what?

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I saw that as an opertune moment to drop some big news

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I thought pig tail meant you were suppose to grab on to it when getting BJ

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, when I pour the powdered creamer in my coffee I like to pretend it's Colombian grade cocaine.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the kind of morning coffee a girl could welcome the day with.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

She wouldn't go home with me cause I forgot her name. I didn't realize it would matter after she danced with her vagina on my face

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So apparently when I roll on X I find 'dick ina box' not only hilarious but also sexually arousing.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Bro, I met the coolest hottest chick tonight and she has the hottest friends.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Where are you?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

Strip Club

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I just found out she jerks off to lesbian porn too honest to god

(202): View more from Washington, DC

you wouldn't believe how perfect a match this is its scary

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came on my face and told me I looked like a gingerbread house.

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(646): View more from New York

miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.

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(208): View more from Idaho

opening your purse in class to grab a pen only to find dollar bills and pink fuzzy handcuffs instead...that's a cool feeling

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(209): View more from California

Dude, no joke... I lost my wedding ring in some skank last night

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My vagina is scared and excited at the same time. It might not be able to sleep tonight.

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(765): View more from Indiana

my love horoscope just told me to "say it in frosting" should i take this literally?? i think yes.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He had rug burn on his nose from my landing strip

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I invite him to our 4th of July cookout without sounding too much like "hey you were my first orgasm and I want your dick inside my while watching fireworks"

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over

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(268): View more from Antigua/Barbuda-Carib

she thought don quixote was a type of tequila.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

whenever music plays i find myself always doing kegels to the beat. its like the new foot-tapping

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(785): View more from Kansas

There are Star Wars cutouts in his basement. Obi Wan Kenobe watched me give him a handjob.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

It's 8 am and he's already trying to get me to make out with a girl.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Ever have the mailman look at you like youre a chronic masterbator. I have.

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(404): View more from Georgia

he came up my nose again i swear he does this just to piss me off

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(571): View more from Virginia

I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed

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(207): View more from Maine

I may or may not have slept in someones apt on your street because they told me I was fun sized like a mini snickers

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Masterbating to gospel music is like god cheering on your orgasm

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The is a pregnant woman in this Chipolte wearing a shirt that simply says ‘OOPS!’ across the tummy.

(651): View more from Minnesota

That baby is bound to be under-loved.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(817): View more from Texas

The girl next to me in class is taking notes on woman's suffrage with a girls gone wild pen.

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