Texts From Last Night · toetag's Favorites

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(319): View more from Iowa

I accused the cab driver of smoking weed in the taxi then I remember it was me.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He was like, I wanna take it slow. I took off my bra And I was like, either we have sex now or you get out.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Don't be offended, the only thing I'm attracted to right now is snack cakes and chicken wings.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The Uber driver took us to a Waffle House. We didn't even say anything when we got in. MAGIC.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im so glad I make morally wrong decisions. It's like the best worst thing I've ever done.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We joked about how funny it would be if he got pulled over with 300 breakfast burritos in hus car. We walk outside of the school just as the police lights turn on and pull him over

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My bad man. I was at a strip club, and apparently it's like a big deal to take your phone out in one of those places.

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(408): View more from California

Well his dad is my dentist so they've both been in my mouth.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm high, watching "Scream" and eating a grilled cheese sandwich off my boobs. I'm not going anywhere

(514): View more from Quebec

Come on, clusterfuck. Put on a pushup bra and get your fine ass to the bar, or you will be a sad single stoner forever

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(503): View more from Oregon

I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face

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(541): View more from Oregon

No. I either had a 6 minute orgasm or I had so many I lost count. I'm still not sure.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with the Dorothy costume at my ankles, both sparkly red shoes on, and clutching ToTo....we're not in Kansas anymore, dude

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i got to hold a baby today and i loved it and i want a baby but actually i'm going to make an appointment to get birth control now.

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(315): View more from New York

She called his dick the colossus. I dont give a fuck if shes his wingman, I gotta see this natural wonder

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(903): View more from Texas

Yo, go checkout Kerri's Instagram quick! There's like 12 pics of her fucking some guy in a bar's bathroom. GO GO GO GO!!!!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We split an eighth of shrooms and went ice fishing. It didn't get weird until I caught one and we both started crying.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Dude he downed 9 shots of tequila, sang bohemian rhapsody with 3 randoms Wayne's world style, solo'd closing time, chased the hot bartender's dog all the way to main, tackled him, carried him back, hot bar tender hugged AND kissed him, then he does a jumping heel click and leaps into my car through the window. Next rounds free at the yeti. Needless to say your little brother is a tequila god.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Basically.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm cool with a hey old buddy how have you been want to fuck me in the butt kind of thing

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(360): View more from Washington

My worst fear almost came to light...I was choking and the cats stared at me like they had no problem eating my face if I died

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just said "okay we have 20 minutes to get each other off, ready... Set... Go!" and he picked me up and threw me on the bed. I almost came just from that.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude there is a stripper at my door saying she has my birthday present. She knows my name...but it's not my birthday...

(303): View more from Colorado

God works in mysterious ways my friend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Kriste-san. Brian-sensai going to sleepy times acturry. Kriste-grasshopper will spend fun-fun times with Brian-sensai and glorious redbox movie tomorrow yes?

(708): View more from Illinois

Most creative movie date proposition... ever.

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(470): View more from Georgia

My roommate was being an ass so I put everyone's drinks/shots on his tab for the entire night. Then when we left he was telling me how he got out cheaper than last time.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

At the drs she looked at my back saw your scratch marks and asked "does your back itch a lot?"

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's like the blind leading the senile over here.

(541): View more from Oregon

UPDATE: shit just got real- grandma is threatening to beat grandpa with a wooden spoon covered in chili.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Apparently I still called the officer "sir" despite the fact I was at a .21 BAC. Southern girls are raised right

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(905): View more from Ontario

Just got flashed by an entire bus of girls in school uniforms. We then had to wait beside each other at a light. It was awkward.

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(434): View more from Virginia

They were scared I was going to get lost last night so they dressed me up as Waldo so someone would always find me.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Don't talk to me about scholarly dedication until you've taken a final in boxers, a bloody tank top and a zip tie to hold your hair back. I wear the most sullied 4.0 crown of all time....

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Mom chose Thanksgiving to tell me the reason I am here is because she was too tired to give my dad a BJ and too drunk to make him pull out.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

in the middle of getting head my cat meowed. she looked up , meowed back, and then continued giving me head.

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(708): View more from Illinois

we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The upside of Thirsty Thursdaying with the client last night was that he was so hungover that he didn't want to spend time wrangling over the contract extension this morning.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Boss just said I'm getting a bonus for this. Want to celebrate our anniversary a week early tonight?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

This is why I married you.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

This number has temporarily been disconnected and will be restored to service once you get rid of you girlfriend.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(845): View more from New York

Cooked breakfast with his mom this morning...I'm like the housewife of one night stands

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(702): View more from Nevada

Emergency nipple ring removal:vodka, tweezers, and vodka. Can you bring me a band-aid?

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(425): View more from Washington

The Mole People would help. They are a kind, helpful people, the Mole People are.

(541): View more from Oregon

Mole people?

(425): View more from Washington

Mole people

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(917): View more from New York City

Ended up getting hot boxed in a limo with a bunch of asians going to a karaoke bar. I think I pretended to understand their language for a solid hour. Am I bilingual now?

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(727): View more from Florida

I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?

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(541): View more from Oregon

So I've been thinking about this, and I've decided my bed is magic. Every time I change the sheets, a new boy is in my bed. I own the Sheets of Dreams-if I change them, they will come.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Lets just say that a certain piercing set off certain alarms when I went thru the airport detector/scanner thingie. David was high fived like 12 times.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(607): View more from New York

I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.

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(206): View more from Washington

He told me he wanted to sleep but I touched his penis and listened to his heart beat start racing. I knew sleeping was bullshit.

(415): View more from California

Use your nursing skills for good, not evil.

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(512): View more from Texas

He must have sensed I was about to trade him in...he's really stepped up his sex game

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Can I bring home a duck? Dead serious

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.

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(949): View more from California

That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it

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(360): View more from Washington

Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.

(360): View more from Washington

DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

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(+61): View more from Australia

For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(734): View more from Michigan

He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(314): View more from Missouri

you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Hey, this is a mass text. I have a hospital bill from November, and I don't know from what. Did anyone bring me to the hospital on a drunken night that I don't remember...?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

They wouldn't serve more then two Shots per person, so you grabbed a group of strangers and said u werre buying them all shots, then proceeded to drink all of them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(805): View more from California

we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(641): View more from Iowa

What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Life lesson #57: drinking whisky out of apples leads to threesomes.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Triple a is towing cars for free tonight and tomorrow night. Can we take advantage of this ?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(916): View more from California

Pregaming before going to drink with a girl from Russia. Please make sure I'm not dead in the morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(607): View more from New York

You offered me some of your "Jungle Juice." It was just 151 and Absinthe. I don't know how you are still alive.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The girls at the police department photocopied my drinking ticket and told me to frame it and hang it on my wall. Then they gave me a free muffin and told me to party smarter next time.

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(917): View more from New York City

Her stripper name is Geico. I'm not drunk or creative enough to make this up.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Walmart at night is scary enough without having to run into people you've slept with

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(360): View more from Washington

sooo I am sorta kinda using your name as my stripper stage name.

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(360): View more from Washington

you never texted me what you wanted from the store so I got a piece of chicken and bottle of tequila. if you want anything else you are on your own.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Standards are awful. It's like living in the zombie apocalypse. You can only have sex with certain people

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(770): View more from Georgia

Walking out of our apartment this morning to go to class, I saw a sticky note on the front door that said "get tested." The door was unlocked so did you bring some stranger back last night? I'm assuming you weren't referring to me...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(530): View more from California

It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I look like a zombie and smell like a stripper. Its gonna be a good day.

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Babe. You eat pussy like a god warrior sent from a galaxy far far away to destroy female genitalia with new realms of pleasure. That's how I know your not gay.

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(503): View more from Oregon

So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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(678): View more from Georgia

So this guy is eyeing me from across the bar. Either the girl I hit on next to him is his girlfriend or he's her gay best friend. I should show him my Penis and find out.

(770): View more from Georgia

Dude. Do it.

(678): View more from Georgia

Definitely her date. But she saw it too. So now he used to be her date. Why can't this stuff Happen when I'm sober?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

um so slept at robs. he woke up, looked at me, and said ' oh my psychiatrists are gonna have a field day with this one' I think that's when you know you can't hang out with someone anymore

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(503): View more from Oregon

The worst thing that has ever happened to me happened today. I was taking donations at goodwill and someone donated a clearly used vibrator

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(585): View more from New York

You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apple should advertise that their phones are puke-proof. They would appeal to a whole new audience.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(775): View more from Nevada

She just broke down showed up grabbed a beer said fuck it pulled off her fake eyelashes looked at my roommate and said we need to break up you're a nice guy and I'm a whore

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Umm, ya, half our class is sitting in starbucks passing around flasks. Yes, flasks. Plural. Going to join them, we're all giving oral presentations in 20. Go hard or go home.

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(727): View more from Florida

I was in the library and saw 2 dudes hackysacking in a study room with 3 girls working. I asked if I could join; as soon as I closed the door the chicks offered me tequila shots. study session w/everyone cancelled, I'm busy.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(541): View more from Oregon

It's great when the cashier at the liquor store asks "weren't you wearing those clothes yesterday"

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(906): View more from Michigan

I feel like i could break down a fucking wall with this boner

(503): View more from Oregon

Soooo, coming over soon?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Girls behind me in the library are trying to outslut each other with stories from last semester. I'm about to set my cock on the table between them and label it "tie breaker"

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(785): View more from Kansas

She just told me she had a double jointed jaw and winked at me while eating her bananna. That's not possible right?

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(936): View more from Texas

uh, 3 redbulls and 400mg of caffeine pills and i still feel like life is in slowmotion..lets not take tranquilizers again.

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(516): View more from New York

It took years to rebuild my brains forcefield against your charm and I feel like u seal team 6'd ur way in again and caught my common sense sleeping on post

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

No, I got those cupcakes fair and square. That homeless man should have known not to underestimate the determination of a stoned chem student.

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(914): View more from New York

He did a 4 wheel burnout and yelled at the cops "Sorry! It's for a school project!". HOW does he think of this shit?

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(281): View more from Texas

Made fish tank punch. It's like trash can punch but in a fish tank. Also, my dad saw a picture I uploaded on Facebook and called me a pussy for only making 10 gallons.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, I was a high class hooker. I was snorting shit Rachel, white powder, lines formed with credit cards, the dudes house was beautiful. Magnum condom. Adorable puppy dog. Pretty sure at some point I was sleeping on a washing machine. Boxing Gloves.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those were the highlights of my night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

A guy just walked down the street dressed as Mickey Mouse holding a 40oz. Where the hell did you leave me?

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(207): View more from Maine

I mass texted 4 of you for a booty call. Please reply all when responding so only one of you shows up. Last one is a rotten egg.

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(210): View more from Texas

The other. Cat spoke to me and left. This shit is laced

(210): View more from Texas

The first cat might save me but they are taking out masks

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(218): View more from Minnesota

nothing says roomie bonding better than a sunday shroom trip.

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(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm going to make a mold of my tits to bake a cake for him for our anniversary.. I can see the pride in his eyes now.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Apparently you can talk a girl into leaving the bar and coming back to your tent, who knew?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I definitely paid for a case and a fifth and all I got was 6 beers and a crown and coke. Wtf. Bar math sucks

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I am omw to AA Fellowship by the sea w Jenny and a stripper who just paid for our jetski with 85 $1 bills

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(614): View more from Ohio

at the hospital. the stripper fell on his face when she was trying to grab the dollar bill out of his mouth with her ass. broken nose for sure.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I stumbled in at 6am to find my cat in the window making a noise I've never heard her make. When I went to the window there was a goat outside staring at us.

(1-304): View more from West Virginia

Are you sure? Or did you just think there was a goat?

(304): View more from West Virginia

No there was a goat. I gave it a donut.

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(360): View more from Washington

Guess who left Professor Cunt on their paper by accident?

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(925): View more from California

you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I found the hair cut I want on the girl in the porno I'm watching. now really sure how to show my stylist.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bruises are from paintball. The money is from me being awesome

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I think that's the first time I've heard someone say "this is the safest way of doing things" while holding half a gallon of jagermeister

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(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

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(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

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(503): View more from Oregon

The verizon commercial has a magical pinata. Candy just keeps coming out. It must be a portal to a candy universe.

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(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She dumped a fish bowl of alcohol on herself. Just like flash dance.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(512): View more from Texas

Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At my wifes high school reunion. Found out her nickname was 'Back Door Brooke'. EVERYONE is calling her that.

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(607): View more from New York

This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.

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(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She is banging on the liquor store door begging them to let her come in.

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(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

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(315): View more from New York

He kept making me pretend I was his personal trainer. When I swallowed his cum he made me pretend I was drinking a protein shake. Thats actually what it tasted like.

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(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

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(708): View more from Illinois

There are parrots here and they're headbanging to the music. There's also a clown and a pit bull that can jump onto tables. Too high for this shit.

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(559): View more from California

there are teeth marks in the soap. why are there teeth marks in the soap.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

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(613): View more from Ontario

No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

there not mine if that helps

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

The kid in the park, who was on a leash I might add, looked at us and yelled "stranger danger" before hiding behind his dad

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

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(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

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(408): View more from California

I miss the smell of you or some shit.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm single as of 11 minutes ago. I was the chick who drunkenly tried to climb into bed with you 2 weeks ago. Wanna make this happen?

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(352): View more from Florida

One of my coworkers just invited me to a wet t-shirt contest this weekend in honor of her son's 21st Birthday.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She just passive-aggressively stripped in the kitchen while humming the theme to Doug.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i'm behind the bar giving him a hand job. i need stuff to make my foot stop itching.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

okay, this is where i needed to clarify that i was kidding before when i said that jizz helps mosquito bites. but let me know how that goes. for future reference.

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(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(770): View more from Georgia

Its so fun. We're having a music war with the boat next to us. They have strippers.

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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(661): View more from California

The bartender just asked me if I owned stock in Jameson. I've been here for less than an hour and he's already judging me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

There is nothing scarier than watching yourself breathe in the mirror while on shrooms.

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(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

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(916): View more from California

Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.

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(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

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(360): View more from Washington

Had a drag queen carry me to the car. So I'm told...

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(845): View more from New York

You fuck like a mechanic. That is the universe telling you that is your true calling. Take this as a sign.

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

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(416): View more from Toronto

You threw a bunch of trashcans into the middle of the street and nothing happened. I fell on one car and suddenly there were cops everywhere...

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

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(815): View more from Illinois

Did you rob me and blame it on the strippers?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gets a blow job; I get my oil changed free of charge. And that way I only see him every 2500 miles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There's a stripper banging on the door demanding to see you.

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(425): View more from Washington

the easter KEGG...out of a drunken typo there arose a new and spectacular holiday tradition

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him the truth. Truth leads to vodka. Vodka leads to tequila. Tequila leads to prison.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Pretty sure God shed a tear when I put 15 singles in the collection plate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Wierdest expirience of my life this girl literally just knocked on my door at 140am to blow me in the shower. Idk what im doing but im doing it right

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I wanna thank you for having such slutty friends growing up. Your a great little sister

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Sometimes I seriously wonder if I could get away with vodka Sundays at work. Cuz this red bull feels naked.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Bro, I just want to tell you that I'm glad you got fired. I'm going to fuck your replacement.

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(248): View more from Michigan

noooo, I woke up on his pack porch and the SUN WAS RISING. I saw red lights everywhere and heard sirens so I just ran for my life.

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(712): View more from Iowa

They'd unbutton the overalls with their lesbian-tongues. It wouldn't even be a problem.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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(586): View more from Michigan

plus shes a stripper, ive been with strippers, if you fuck this up your penis will never forgive you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hypothetical question: If a guy wanted to watch you fuck me, would you be willing to take a long lunch break on Wednesday?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You know its a good sign when a girl asks who everyone is AFTER she flashes her tits to the room.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I left two hundred in singles in your car sorry about the mess

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just got licked by a stripper, not so great anymore.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

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(559): View more from California

I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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(970): View more from Colorado

We are possibly on our way, unless we see the limo full of strippers.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(309): View more from Illinois

with all this snow coming, and no school, I figure why not try every possible liquor snowcone.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The stripper had a daughter my age and offered to introduce us. I didn't know what to say to that.

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(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Can we ask the Hungry Howie's guy to pick up some blunt wraps on the way over?

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(914): View more from New York

something isn't right. i offered to be his sex slave and he declined..

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

now I know why they wanted me to come. apparently gay guys are stripper magnets

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She introduced herself as 'Ann the sober one.' Took me to a coat check and a lost and found. Then offered coffee and breakfast sandwiches. Turns out she's been paying her half of the electric bill running post-party operations.

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(210): View more from Texas

We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

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(251): View more from Alabama

I want a picture of impoverished children wearing Oregon national champions shirts.

(478): View more from Georgia

Yes, I feel sorry for the tribe that gets those. They won't be able to hide from the lions.

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(917): View more from New York City

Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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(936): View more from Texas

You've got the short couch unless you find some girl to take you home

(254): View more from Texas

Challenge accepted.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm gagging in the liquor aisle just thinking about how much alcohol I'll be drinking this weekend.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm sad your dog died... Her name is my stripper name.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a woman with a Pomeranian in her bra. Way to step up your game Seattle.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My parole officer gave me condoms and a Starbucks gift card ... happy holidays.

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(518): View more from New York

I found the perfect eye liner, it passed the blow job test, no smudging!!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

They thought "watering it down" meant adding more vodka

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just had a stripper snatch my glasses off my face with her ass

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

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(316): View more from Kansas

The look I see on guys faces when they realize my nipples are pierced remind me of when my mom used to come home from the grocery store and surprise me with poptarts.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

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(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

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(410): View more from Maryland

he turned two sober chicks into 7 drunken girls...he's my hero

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(561): View more from Florida

I think you blew our chances when you yelled "YOU SLUTS COMING TO THE TITTIE BAR?" in their face

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(502): View more from Kentucky

How is it possible that i have sex with a guy and he makes YOU breakfast

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll give her a pass for the first one, but after the second threesome, she should have learned her lesson.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(718): View more from New York

You hooked up with 4 random girls, avoided your grilfriend finding out about it, and dodged traffic on Park Ave. Can you say luck of the Irish?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Is it wrong that I didn't stop masterbating when the credit card company called?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

did you answer or finish?

(404): View more from Georgia

both

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(904): View more from Florida

I woke up naked this morning there was a baseball bat on the floor the bathroom door knob was removed and the floor was wet. This is why i don't do Tequila shots.

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(207): View more from Maine

Just bought lingerie with the intention of wearing it as a shirt. It's going to be that kind of weekend.

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(512): View more from Texas

She's a Laker fan, her sister is a Celtic fan... no matter who wins I'm getting a celebration bj from one of them!

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(323): View more from California

No, you dont understand, he literately fucked me into a new hairstyle, quite nice too.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(847): View more from Illinois

Whats up?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk as a mother trucker with panties on her thumbnail..laying thee down

(847): View more from Illinois

Stay up. I'm coming home in a little

(402): View more from Nebraska

Ill try..hurry!!!! Thine hour awaits you

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(313): View more from Michigan

Ha. Yes. I'm at a strip club. I'm the barack obama of strip clubs

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(409): View more from Texas

First day at work... I clogged up the office toilet on purpose to assert my dominance.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(917): View more from New York City

I just blew my nose and little bits of weed came out.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just sneezed cum. He better have a damn good day at work.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Best idea ever: Giving hobos a beer and having a chugging contest to win another beer. Most fun I have had downtown in a while.

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(817): View more from Texas

You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time

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(209): View more from California

I woke up to him climbing naked through my bedroom window with a bottle of jd in his hand. Of course I had sex with him.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

we've started having sober sex

(203): View more from Connecticut

you really do like him

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(614): View more from Ohio

you convinced the bartender to un-cut you off by letting him touch your boobs whenever you ordered a drink.

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(520): View more from Arizona

i have your red jacket for some reason. and a good deal of shame and embarasment. note to self, wear underwear when you wear a dress. also, i was electrocuted last night. dont ask how.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

of course he's cheating on me, she's 100x prettier and she can do the splits

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Don't you hate it when all three people suddenly sober up in the middle of a threesome. Awwwwkward.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i just watched a special on porn, the business isn't doing so good. You may want to wait before you start your career

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i just realized that the oil change sticker on my windshield is a day before the last time i had sex. I've driven exactly 10500 miles since.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

you need to get laid.. and an oil change.

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(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he told me he had a problem with me going both ways. like what the fuck. what guy says that to a girl? goodbye planned threesomes...

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(541): View more from Oregon

we could easily be the first people to smoke 3 bowls and pound a Four Loco before goin on a tour of the Tillamook cheese factory

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I did the walk of shame to church this morning.

(734): View more from Michigan

hooker boots and all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Yep. People looked at me like I was the prodigal daughter returning home. Full of sins but welcome anyway.

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(973): View more from New Jersey

he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(469): View more from Texas

Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(863): View more from Florida

I was the only open register tonight and I just sold condoms and chocolate frosting to the ex..

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(303): View more from Colorado

I woke up to find her cooking breakfast wearing nothing but my Nuggets jersey. I don't think this could end better.

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She came over with Guinness cupcakes, a case of Mickeys, wearing an Ireland flag & nothing else.

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Hooked up with my first aid and cpr teacher last night. She dressed as a lifeguard and brought me back to life. Beat that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.

(734): View more from Michigan

I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept yelling at her to "show me your genitals" until the bouncers told us to leave...at which point you showed them YOUR genitals...

(1-217): View more from Illinois

please don't ever take me to a strip club again...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(+65): View more from

He washed my hair whilst I gave him head in the shower. Bored or gay?

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up and my clothes were soaked in the shower and I was wearing a Ghostbusters uniform. I'm shocked she hasn't left me yet.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

We left around 4 AM after the stripper showed no mercy and dropped into a split on Matt's nose. Massive nosebleed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You brought back some girl with you at 3am and introduced her to everyone as "hot pocket"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(530): View more from California

Standing in line for a prescreening of Alice in Wonderland - guy just passed out cold in front of us - first drug overdose of the Alice in Wonderland phenomenon witnessed.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Tell us when you see the semi truck on fire.

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(712): View more from Iowa

My hand is eating my burrito and not saving any for my mouth. TRIPPPPPPPPPPPPPPINN!

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(815): View more from Illinois

So I'm on the can right now reading a court transcript for an appeal. Some dude is paying $155 an hour for me to take a shit.

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(713): View more from Texas

jacking off on stolen wireless... gotta enjoy the small things in life

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I was to drunk to drive all the way up there, so we just had rough phone sex instead

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I sat in the mc D drive thru and refused to move till the chick gave me her number

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(368): View more from

you were on all fours yelling at the earth to stop spinning.

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(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(720): View more from Colorado

I just found glitter on my vibrator... whatever we're doing has to stop

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you sang the finger bang song from south park while fingering me. needless to say, kind of a turn off.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

he couldn't find his key, so we just had sex on his parent's porch while we waited for his mom to get home.

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(630): View more from Illinois

Holy shit bill nye is being consulted as an expert on cnn and hes credited as the science guy. What the fuck is the world coming to?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

For the record, a bath beer is far superior to a shower beer...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude. how can brian from family drink at fucking bars? he's a dog and definitaly doesn't have pockets.

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(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Now I know how you felt every time you had to listen to me have sex with a girl... mildly disguested yet marginally proud.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

her parents were awake and in the next room. i think i deserve a big fucking medal for that orgasm.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(303): View more from Colorado

okay I may or may not have wrapped my body pillow up in your t-shirt and sprayed it with your axe and am now spooning with it.

(785): View more from Kansas

again? I'm starting to get a little creeped out now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(407): View more from Florida

she handed me her phone while she blew me and told me to text her bf that she was at the store

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(225): View more from Louisiana

wtf

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

I'm guessing you saw the bathroom?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

he called to tell me the scratches were still on his back. this was in the summer.. still the best hookup

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(917): View more from New York City

It honestly took me longer to beat Ninja Turtles: Turtles in Time, than it did to have sex with her the first time we met.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up naked, gf gone. There is a cup of change in the fridge, a bird in the bathroom, and odie is drawn on my ceiling. I live in a non sequitur

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(816): View more from Missouri

Fighting the police is like screwing a fat girl, if I'm drunk enough I'll do it

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(949): View more from California

i just recognized the girl sitting across from me from a lesbian porno... should i ask for an autograph?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(661): View more from California

It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(817): View more from Texas

just walked past a group of stoners who were staring open jawed in the spice aisle. tonight they will stumble upon something amazing.

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(734): View more from Michigan

dude, boobs are like the porridge in goldylocks

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(512): View more from Texas

Knee deep in strippers, everything is comped. will try hard to be there at 8. i promise.

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(303): View more from Colorado

that knocking you heard last night......that was her head slowly going through the wall

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(770): View more from Georgia

I told her for every minute she spent down there, I would donate a dollar to the Haiti relief fund... totally worked

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

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(716): View more from New York

I don't think the people up for their 8am class were as impressed with how many beads i got last night as we were.

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(562): View more from California

We convinced her the game "just the tip" was a billiards game. She was asking a couple guys if they wanted to play as we left. I kinda don't want to ask her how the rest of the night went.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm done. I'm tired and there's a topless pic of me floating around the nation's largest 3G network.

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(334): View more from Alabama

The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.

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(631): View more from New York

I'm afraid my bank account can't handle syllabus week.

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(209): View more from California

I told the cop it was my birthday and he said "happy fuckin birthday", handcuffed me and threw me in the back of the cop car.

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(512): View more from Texas

You also had the stripper slap the shit out of me for not having any money....remember that?

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(251): View more from Alabama

but she was nice to me.

(256): View more from Alabama

She was a fuckin STRIPPER.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you definitely made a grilled cheese using your iron..

(614): View more from Ohio

ya and it worked didnt it??

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'd steal beers with my tail. If I were a monkey.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

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(845): View more from New York

the only bad part about drinking alone is that in the morning there's nobody who can tell you what you did

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(219): View more from Indiana

where are my pants?

(1-219): View more from Indiana

you were passing out with two blankets and the person next to you was cold so you gave him your pants to keep warm

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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(630): View more from Illinois

my boss said she was surprised to see me this morning. i told her there's a time in a girls life she has to give up day drinking in order to make money for next weekend's alcohol. she looked so proud, i think i might get a raise.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Stripper fight on main stage. It just happened. And it was glorious.

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(913): View more from Kansas

you hid your keys in a box of lucky charms because drunk you was apparently going to eat them for breakfast...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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