Texts From Last Night · autgill's Favorites

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why do you think it's a no-pants party?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Invite says "dress to impress". Her fault for leaving it open to interpretation.

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(845): View more from New York

you pulled down your pants to convince a girl you were god

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up next to him fully clothed but my thong was around his neck. Polling to decide if we had sex or not starts now.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be craddled in his arms and spoon fed applesauce..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

that's the most romantic thing you've ever said.

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(816): View more from Missouri

We make out exclusively when we're drunk. That's like a relationship for me, right?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just want a guy that likes cats and is willing to get a vasectomy. IS THAT SO MUCH TO ASK?!

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(512): View more from Texas

By the way when you were super fucked up last night, you ate cat food and tried to tell me it was healthy for you

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(559): View more from California

I never knew so many sexual things could be done while wearing footie pajamas

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that we both have boys can we make up games that objectify them as sex toys?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk

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(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

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(516): View more from New York

I spiked my fruit smoothie. Taking bikini season diet to a whole new level

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(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I should show up to the gym drunk more often. I felt like i really motivated all the fat people.

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(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(817): View more from Texas

He tried to cuddle with me after we hooked up and i just looked at him and said why are you still here?

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(443): View more from Maryland

the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So i do have strep. My apologies to the british guy from this weekend. You now have one more reason to hate america

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(770): View more from Georgia

his extensive knowledge of the age of consent laws kinda scares me....

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(785): View more from Kansas

Is there any chance I can see you without pouring vodka on your head?

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(772): View more from Florida

I basically get to watch her life fall apart via tumblr updates

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(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

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(217): View more from Illinois

Weekend has begun hello red wine at 10am on a Wednesday

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

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(303): View more from Colorado

im swimming of confusion and bacardi. where do i go from herrrrrre

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(850): View more from Florida

i proceeded to stick my hands in his pants while he continued to repeat i have a girlfriend

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(720): View more from Colorado

and then he publicly announced her herpes on facebook.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

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(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

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(333): View more from

im calling her cock vulture from now on

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I felt like a dog for all the times during sex that he said "good girl"

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(206): View more from Washington

Just scrubbed my teeth for a good twenty minutes. Herpes is afraid of toothpaste, right?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously though jaeger and i are fucking done professionally

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(712): View more from Iowa

I made out with him with my retainers in. My drunken hook-ups get lazier and lazier.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

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(530): View more from California

And I'm supposed to be surprised that you got another concussion?

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've got to stop making out with the guys and sharing drinks with you. I'm the reason we all get sick at the same time. Sorry.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

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(302): View more from Delaware

NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I can trace it back to that drunken night where we peed on each other in the shower.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?

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(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just want him to slap me with his dick and call it love

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

tonight i'm going for the "i fuck with the lights on" look

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(757): View more from Virginia

just tried to pee in the sink at wendys...need to stop letting my drunk habits get into my sober life

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

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(626): View more from California

im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

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(713): View more from Texas

I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.

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(631): View more from New York

his mom cheated on his dad so i think he has a weird freudian thing for whores

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(517): View more from Michigan

Selling Girl Scout Cookies outside bars for higher than retail value has got to be the most profitable idea. Ever.

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(541): View more from Oregon

side note. good thing you didn't come to drunk breakfast. we were judged by children.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

1 in 5 deaths i nrussia is alcohol related. GO MOTHERLAND

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(503): View more from Oregon

no i decided against it. savin my coke binge for finals week.

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

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(845): View more from New York

she looks like she scalped a horse for her weave

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want him to be my next love. So I'm taking it slow

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

As in ill only blow him next week

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(231): View more from Michigan

Just painted my nails at the bar... I may be getting too comfortable here.

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(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

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(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

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(810): View more from Michigan

You "were" hungover, which is past tense. So that gives you no excuse not to go out tonight.

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(914): View more from New York

Its funny how you denied every part of the text except " you hate fat ppl"

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(406): View more from Montana

We just had to use a designated driver to get to night class.

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(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

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(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good, she had spurs on her boots. That is a sign for instant herp attack.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I was the one passing out cake at the bars

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(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(212): View more from New York

at this point every shot is just a haymaker to my liver

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her mom caught her drunk streaking when she was 12. Of course she's perfect for me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

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(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just watched a drug bust from the Ralphs parking lot while listening to Frank Sinatra. Happy Valentine's Day.

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(817): View more from Texas

He turned down a handjob. A HANDJOB. I know I'm no Jessica Simpson, but...

(1-817): View more from Texas

Actually, she's fat now, so...

(817): View more from Texas

Fuck. I AM Jessica Simpson.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ended the weekend putting away 30 nuggets. Training for 100.

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(406): View more from Montana

I just remembered our "im drunk enough to look at your vagina" conversation. Is that offer still valid? I really think I need a second opinion

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just stuffed an entire cupcake in my mouth after finishing third glass of wine. Valentines day is pretty much going how i expected it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

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(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I knew as soon as I saw that pole that I was going to wake up the next morning with bruises.

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(801): View more from Utah

Hi. I probably already told you this mid puke, but thanks again for babysitting me last night. How did I get in the car?

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(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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(248): View more from Michigan

Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

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(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

there's a guy looking for his pants in my room, is he yours?

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(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Why do I feel like the only way for this trip to end is alcohol poisoning?

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(631): View more from New York

Try and take me seriously and don't look directly at my hair or the jizz on my pants.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just got a flashback from Saturday night of you helping me wash my feet in the bar's bathroom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remember that she is a giant dick-sucking forehead and you are better than that.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I can do it, this is my punishment and I will accept it, plus id like to see the look on peoples faces when I throw up on them

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I do what I can to inject something into your life every day. Today, humor. Saturday. Penis.

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(347): View more from New York

He was a bulldog and my face was like rare meat. Never again with the drunken ones.

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(516): View more from New York

That's so unfortunate for him bc you can always find another penis, but he's stuck with it

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

If everything I've heard is true, then she's lost her virginity three times

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

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(226): View more from Ontario

We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(409): View more from Texas

I just figured you know how to drive a boat and I know how to get drunk. What can go wrong

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(845): View more from New York

Should I ask him to prom mid fuck? That way he has to say yes.

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(310): View more from California

If I had a nickel for every time I've used a condom, I'd have... two nickels.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

yes we were fucking thats why i put "watching a movie" in quotations

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys need to get along, there is no need for a pissing contest...We're all fucking each others ex's.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(770): View more from Georgia

The only pictures he has from one of the biggest football weekends is an album titled "I miss my dog" filled with tons of pictures of his dog and him. This relationship must end.

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(954): View more from Florida

I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm pretty sure he's lost all respect for me. it probably happened somewhere around the time i had officially slept with every single one of his friends..

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

honestly if we didnt hate the same people we would have a friendship based on nothing

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(818): View more from California

I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm already mentally preparing myself for the fact that I'll probably be sleeping next to a toilet.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(716): View more from New York

i think that dennys waitress has my boxers

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

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(630): View more from Illinois

But, I don't have the body of a porn star, so nobody would hire me. Unless they're doing like a trip to the safari and they need an albino rhino

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(206): View more from Washington

put your party hat on. and by party hat I mean no panties

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(541): View more from Oregon

just had a flashback of you pouring champagne into my mouth from someones balcony..

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

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(469): View more from Texas

Dude... there's chunks of hair all over the floor, and no one knows how they got there. You guys just made out right?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think I just need to get a pillow shaped like a toilet seat.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

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(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It finally happened. My conscience stopped working. I've never felt so free

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(810): View more from Michigan

Please tell me you're throwing the cats into this foot of snow.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I dont care about anyone or anything else I just want to make love to you on my air mattress

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(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Does the whole "it was New Years" excuse apply this year?

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(512): View more from Texas

that was probably me. ive bitten a lot of people.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

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(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

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(253): View more from Washington

The lego bong didn't work. Just made us look stupid

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(863): View more from Florida

Good lord, they've set up every firework to be ignited by a trail of gasoline at midnight. God save us all.

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(941): View more from Florida

well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

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(216): View more from Ohio

When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She fell down the stairs and hit her head on the concrete. Then she stood up, flashed us and stumbled away. I forgot to get her number..

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(517): View more from Michigan

hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(518): View more from New York

Every single time I start thinking that we shouldn't have done that to him, I think of his ballsack in our passed out faces. No sympathy.

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(734): View more from Michigan

By the end of the cruise, there was literally nothing in our room he hadn't peed on.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I would like to apologize for making you the target of my "I wish head hair grew as fast as Pubes speech" the other night

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(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

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(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I brought my laptop into the bathroom so I can facebook while vomiting. New low?

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(614): View more from Ohio

i dont know whats so great about being respectable.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Totally about to meet up with Ryan in an empty parking lot. Expect to fuck him. Yes I know it's 3am. Slutty? Possibly. Excited? Damn right.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He's a good guy, we stopped by his old church.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

And you didn't burst into flames?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(760): View more from California

If we keep treating our bodies like amusement parks we have another 10 years left at best.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Retelling stories from our semester makes me realize we need to get tested for herpes.

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(909): View more from California

At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I cant believe she fell for the mistletoe belt AGAIN.

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(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

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(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i can't sleep with him. he has a scrapbook from the girl he lost his virginity to.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dude, she literally just asked me if her mac'n'cheese makes me horny. I think I found the one.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's never going to forget it... Christmas Anal.

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(614): View more from Ohio

i like being sick. whatever the doctor gave me is awesone. the walls are waving at me. i never want to get better.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I had to convince you not to write "happy birthday to the first guy who fingered me" on his facebook wall, right above the post from his current girlfriend's mother.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I'm concerned you might be passed out on a random rooftop right now. Not concerned enough to do anything about it. Hope you're alive. Goodnight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm making celebratory pizza rolls. They're a lot like regular pizza rolls, but without the taste of shame.

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."

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(231): View more from Michigan

I feel like shaving is just admitting i'm gonna do him, even though im still on the fence

(415): View more from California

shave. it'll take 10 min. Better safe than hairy.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(540): View more from Virginia

Nope, just sitting on the couch, eating an advent calendar, being depressed about the herps.

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(980): View more from North Carolina

when i got there he was on top of an air mattress in the middle of the pool with a bag of doritos and a 40 telling people he needed his space.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I swear, if he gets me a bowling ball for Christmas, I will throw it at him.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(512): View more from Texas

We decided I could make bicurious-jitos or ho-meh-jitos or heteroflexible-jitos. But not homojitos.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

well if I unknowingly shoved my hand up someones ass, I'm glad it was yours

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

andd if someone unknowingly shoved their hand up my ass without me knowing, im glad it was you

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

u know how some weekends you just wanna go out and ruin a relationship? this is one of those weekends

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm going to look back at this as the time of my life when i casually dated that autistic guy

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Only way we know if he truly fits in is if we spill straight vodka on the floor and his first instinctnis to lick it up. Otherwise, gameover.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Let's just cut to the chase. I'm not interested in anything romantic but I aAM interested in Tom Petty and maybe getting high and fucking you again for old times sake.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(810): View more from Michigan

people at meijer look at you funny when you have 37 bottles of champagne in your cart.

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I would like to add..this is the first november for two years that i haven't cheated on a bf...thank you..thank you

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(360): View more from Washington

I made him drop me off at the wrong house waited for him to leave and crawled through several fences so he couldnt stalk me. How was your night?

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side, I hit her with the door on the way in

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

im kinda looking forward to winter break. ive been away from home for so long i think i can trick my vagina into thinking that these arent the same people ive been hooking up with since high school...

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(786): View more from Florida

If tjhis were a lake full of vodka and i were a ducl Id swim my way down and ddrink my way up

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Half my make-up was stuck to his thigh where I'd fallen asleep after the blowjob.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

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(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I don`t remember Saturday, actually

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

Its ok, i dont remember 2007

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want to let you know it was a unanimous decision that we would eat you first if we ever turned into cannibals, we figured with all the bacon you eat you may taste like it. It's a chance we are willing to take with your life...don't forget that we love you

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

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(515): View more from Iowa

you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(315): View more from New York

i wish i had the videos of us pissing on him last night.

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm thankful she wil die Alone. And I'm thankful I slept wiht her cousin. And brother.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(240): View more from Maryland

We decided to go to McDs, but we only had a few minutes to make it to breakfast. We were sprinting full speed ahead when she tripped and you just yelled 'LEAVE HER' and kept your course.

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(310): View more from California

It was like a fairy tale, until he tried to put it in my ass...

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(214): View more from Texas

come over

(1-214): View more from Texas

yeah sure

(1-214): View more from Texas

wait who is this again? my contacts got deleted...but tell me and ill be there in 10

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just got a orange juice for my grandma, put gin in it without thinking. She's having a good morning.

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(301): View more from Maryland

i just yelled "run, its godzirra!" to an asian kid who looked confused by the tornado alarm test

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(760): View more from California

I seriously love my fucking boobs. They are so boobs.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(404): View more from Georgia

i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

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(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

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(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

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(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

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(904): View more from Florida

hey im home...im not sure how this mcdonalds got here but whatever im gonna eat it anyway.

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(518): View more from New York

bad decision saturdays are such a good decision

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'll be there in 5 min. If not, read this again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

How many times can I tell him I wasnt expecting sex before he realizes I'm just too lazy to shave all the time?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

its a nice change of pace not blacking out and actually remembering getting laid

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I call it my summer of slut; except summer lasts from May until December. It's been incredibly successful

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(514): View more from Quebec

Just did my hair and make up at mcdonalds so we're in the same boat.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

No way. Our relationship is based solely on texting and sex. A phone call would be too much at this point.

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(513): View more from Ohio

What kind of friend are you? You don't even blackout anymore.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

suddenly SuperBad didn't seem so funny anymore...she did have her period on my leg.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sex tip #67: Jizz in the eye is very near the equivalent to pepper spray. Not recommended for pleasure enhancement.

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(323): View more from California

I walked in on him cutting a hole in the condom.

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(818): View more from California

he stopped mid-fuck to ask me how my day was....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad I have good healthy relationships with my one night stands

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(620): View more from Kansas

Apparently i just threw up in the bathroom, i told them i just blew my nose. i don't think they believe me...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(314): View more from Missouri

shes got that 'its my party i can do meth if i want to' mentality. i like that.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

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(909): View more from California

Do you ever wonder how many people have prayed for you to be a better person?

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(425): View more from Washington

four loko is officially banned. leave it to the kids from a state school to fuck it up for everyone

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(678): View more from Georgia

She literally called herself a shamefully bad decision. Of course I slept with her. Best bad decision ever

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(512): View more from Texas

this morning i checked my reflection in the toilet as i was throwing up to make sure i still had my pearl earrings on

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Honestly dude, i think you should ignore the restraining order if you really love her.

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(317): View more from Indiana

eye of the tiger was playing while i pooped... it totally helped.

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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

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(940): View more from Texas

it's like heaven, but drunker

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Definately going to wake up wondering what happened to the other half of my lip.

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(941): View more from Florida

there is potential here for me to have a consistent access to someone's dick who isn't actually an asshole. i think i'm ready for a relationship.

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up naked clutching a Taco Bell bag.

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(940): View more from Texas

now that im off birth control, the world is a much scarier place

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(425): View more from Washington

After grabbing my boob for a couple minutes he then decides to ask me if I was awake.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You'll put your fingers inside me but you won't be my FB friend?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"

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(214): View more from Texas

So... My dad just saw the Plan B package and the beer cans in my backseat.

(1-214): View more from Texas

Oh its cool I'm sure he already knows you're a whore and an alcoholic.

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(323): View more from California

Just did a line with a monopoly bill. Tell me I'm not fancy.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just try to make good decisions...remember our convo we had about morals the other day?

(216): View more from Ohio

Turn them off?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

we made a giant pot of alcholic jello. i filled a gallon bag and brought it to dorms. desk guy gave me weird looks, he doesnt realize this is how i will pass all of my room searches

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(804): View more from Virginia

So I was watching the View and they were saying oral sex is the new goodnight kiss

(757): View more from Virginia

So when are we having a sleepover?

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(269): View more from Michigan

dude she's married.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

so? a ring don't cover no holes.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just barfed in my hand. Needless to say, this day is off to a great start

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"

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(303): View more from Colorado

They had an entire room dedicated to passed out people. It was like a dogpile of cross faded toddlers drooling on each other.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with his wallet, but not him. Gold-digging at it's finest.

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(313): View more from Michigan

he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They ran out of vodka so we started doing Body Doritos.

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(315): View more from New York

i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(817): View more from Texas

Also, do you think you think his dick is perfect bc you loved him? Or is it actually perfect?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Make good choices ;) This is your automated cockblock message

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He was carrying a rolled up carpet saying he was saving it for tomorrow's Walk of Fame.

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(360): View more from Washington

I'll bring the barf blanket just in case.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I just want one of her status not to be about Jesus.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

it's sunday funday. and also, who can outslut the other day.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i think i have that disease where you wake up in strange places drunk.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well technically because of daylight savings, I only lasted 15 mintues.

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is much more drunk than i was intending for a wednesday

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(224): View more from Illinois

Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays

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(850): View more from Florida

I can't make Walk of Shame Wednesdays a recurring theme.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Just to give you a heads up, I am going home with your ex-boyfriend.... You can't be mad because he was my ex-boyfriend first

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(613): View more from Ontario

Every time she shows up on my newsfeed, I get the taste of tequila in my mouth.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Walk of Shame today included voting.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The slutty girl scout law, revised for halloween 10: on my honor i will try, to serve my vagina and my shot glass. To hold back friends hair at all voming moments and to live by the sluttly girl scout law.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

thank you for introducing me to everyone on chat roulette as I was passed out.

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I sent her a Relationship Request on Facebook last night, she accepted and we fucked.. I changed my Relationship Status to Single, I think she'll get the point

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(805): View more from California

you fucking puked into the top of the beer bong while i was chugging from it. when i realized i was chugging your vomit, i vomitted on the floor. she kicked us both out.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You're such a slut.

(318): View more from Louisiana

I prefer opportunist.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just googled "alcohol delivery service". im combating drunk driving one lazy act a time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(615): View more from Tennessee

took 4 advil with a shot of vodka, figure i'd try to save myself now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Level of drunkenness: just now when I sat down on the toilet, I had to double check to make sure I wasn't sitting on somebody's lap.

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(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

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(562): View more from California

Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

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(206): View more from Washington

it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

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(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

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(315): View more from New York

I can see why you broke up with her now... it was like having sex with a corpse.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

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(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's just a condom. Most people would commend me for saying I was going to start using them, and you're acting like I'm going to try heroin.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just gonna go nail your roommate after we break up anyway.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Welp, she's chewing our paper towels again. She's like an obnoxiously hot puppy

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(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

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(530): View more from California

Walk-of-shaming home from Brooklyn in a Jesus costume that has "what wouldn't Jesus do" written on the robe.

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(607): View more from New York

no. the fact that it's halloween completely overrides the fact that it's sunday. youre going out whether im dragging your boring ass or not.

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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(618): View more from Illinois

There's an australian, my relationship has no hope.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

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(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

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(281): View more from Texas

Awesome. My fame will spread to DC... As will the herpes.

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(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He keeps whispering to me that he can't wait to tie my hands up with my wig?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he expects me to keep the fangs on when i go down on him. presumptuous, yes, but man after my own heart.

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(210): View more from Texas

Pillow talk just revealed that he originally thought I was 16.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm buying eyelash glue, salt, and limes. We know how tonight is ending.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

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(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Wella between the drunkards, the inevitable slutty costumes, and someone doing a BODY SHOT OFF A PREGNANT GIRL, i lost my halloween spirit. Bah humbug.

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(905): View more from Ontario

They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.

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(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a fat guy wearing a speedo. Someone just got puked on, and didnt even react. Whats happening?

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(325): View more from Texas

As long as there aren't any pictures of me humping the penguin, we are good,

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(813): View more from Florida

If I don't wake up hungover in a ditch Monday morning I will consider my halloween a failure

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(714): View more from California

no normal human would even think about making waldo slutty but you

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(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

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(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

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(541): View more from Oregon

New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back

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(720): View more from Colorado

i guess when we were done i grunted "unforgiveable" and walked out.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i'm gonna need a rally to restore sobriety after this weekend...

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(802): View more from Vermont

elementary school lunch room party. everyone brings their own lunch and can trade stuff. all juice is booze.

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(971): View more from Oregon

the ex, the guy i cheated on the ex with and the rebound are about to form a beer pong team at my party. is it bad i feel accomplished my pussy brought their union together?

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(518): View more from New York

apparently people get pissed when you take the bag of wine out of the franzia box and put it in your purse before leaving the party

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at a party with that guy you made out with on new years. He remembers your name!

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(304): View more from West Virginia

its like playing clue every morning after we party. she did him in the kitchen with..oh god.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For Halloween this year I'm gonna go as Angelina from Jersey Shore. I'm gonna yell "umm HELLO?!," cockblock someone, then leave the party early

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(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(845): View more from New York

I'm at a Rock of Love themed party. New high? New low? I can't tell.

(845): View more from New York

Wait. Scratch that. It's not themed. These girls are just sluts.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(509): View more from Washington

im at a party in sweatpants, slippers, and a basketball jersey from the eighth grade, 10 bucks says im still getting laid

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

can you pick up eggs and chocolate sauce on your way home?

(917): View more from New York City

what kind of party is this?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the best kind ever

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just found out my first birthday was a keg party. Suddenly everything makes sense

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(818): View more from California

If he doesn't notice me by the next party, i'm just gonna go up to him and pll his pants down and blow him.

(323): View more from California

Sounds like a plan.

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(818): View more from California

hahaha our party bus just died on the freeway and we're drinking in the center divider. i'm on the roof. i win

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(305): View more from Florida

Only girl at that party wearing a fake beard and I STILL get laid...

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(519): View more from Ontario

due to concerns over safety, the theme of the 'naked fondue party' has now been changed to the 'naked fondue party with optional apron' please b.y.o.apron. extra prizes for most creative apron.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Did you see the soccer ref give that girl the red card as she was being kicked out of the party?

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(913): View more from Kansas

hows the party?

(816): View more from Missouri

ists fjcssing insceredle

(913): View more from Kansas

be there in 10

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(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

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(315): View more from New York

apparently i told her i wouldn't press charges if she brought me food.

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(614): View more from Ohio

every time fb tells me a dude i fucked is now friends with another dude ive fucked, i die a little inside. thats way more honesty than im comfortable with.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

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(519): View more from Ontario

We're friends with people in his circle of friends so we're half way in. It's like I've already given him a hand job.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's an open bar on a yacht... I'm going to drown.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

my life has come down to walking through campus and wondering if every guy is the random i made out with saturday

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Does transporting jello shots count as driving with an open container?

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(214): View more from Texas

A friday without alcohol is hardly a friday at all

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(703): View more from Virginia

we went to sleep in different beds and woke up spooning. alcohol truly is the anti-cockblocker.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going to call you an awful person for that. but then i realized we're both awful people.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Really* awful people.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I never kept track of who else he slept with. You think I have the time or the energy to keep track of every dick in my life?

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(708): View more from Illinois

did i really just refer to you as "the mid season replacement"

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(646): View more from New York

Thank god i puked near the cancer center. makes me look like a chemo patient

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(775): View more from Nevada

Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(330): View more from Ohio

he made me have a moment of silence for the half of my ice cream cone i threw away.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i remember too much of last night for it to have been successful

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(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(347): View more from New York

Just bought a handle of vodka with the excuse of "just in case we drink tonight"

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(516): View more from New York

I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Found a phone last night. Hope "daddy" gets picture messages

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure that every show on ABC Family could be turned into a drinking game.

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(407): View more from Florida

I saw you try to drink out of a soda machine at taco bell, don't worry about judging

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my sombrero is too big for the bathroom

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Note: footlong is not the password to the subway wi fi network.. p.s- im super high

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(269): View more from Michigan

I just learned that your liver regrows itself every 2 months. Best news I've heard all week.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I told my ex i loved him and then he sent me a picture of this girl laying on his bed.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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(513): View more from Ohio

some girl that im facebook friends with has H1N1, im scared to even go to her facebook page

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(248): View more from Michigan

I have this horrible feeling I'm going to blackout tonight & only be able to say 'wasabi bobby' over & over again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

im doing shots everytime lil jon says it in the song shots....blackout town here i come

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(519): View more from Ontario

Alcohol only hurts me because he loves me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

wanna hang out tonight and remember it?

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(248): View more from Michigan

she did the YMCA with her lgs... i think she forgot she wasnt wearing any underwear

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(765): View more from Indiana

Do you think if Santa was real that he's have a big penis?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

OH MY GOD! I just remembered how we ended our bar time last night: picking up and drinking random drinks that ppl had left. wtf is wrong with us?! that's so ghetto!

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

No. You're kidding.

(919): View more from North Carolina

I am not. I wish I were. I speak the truth.

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(212): View more from New York

Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

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(360): View more from Washington

my secret santa just gave me a pregency test

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(770): View more from Georgia

I got us kicked out of the bar because the waitress found me in the kitchen trying to make spaghetti

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(248): View more from Michigan

If I could text you the sound of me vomming, I would.

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(905): View more from Toronto

the only reason I knew his name is because half way through I looked up and it was tatooed on his chest.

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(903): View more from Texas

Tonight was like the Noah's Ark of alcohol. I had to have two of everything.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"

(571): View more from Virginia

you make me proud to be your friend

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(360): View more from Washington

he was in the bathroom singing "will it floooaaat?? will it floooaaat?!" turns out that's a deal breaker for me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

too bad being hungover isnt a job. just threw up from 9am to 5pm

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(240): View more from Maryland

taking shots each time the weatherman says Dont go out in this blizzard

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is it bad that Pitbull has taught me more Spanish than high school did?

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(650): View more from California

i'm drinking out of my 'black like my president' mug

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(850): View more from Florida

I've drank myself into a smaller pants size. Who ever said alcoholism was unhealthy was mistaken.

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(315): View more from New York

covered in glitter, my cheek hurts, and theres a handprint on my face. Would i do it again. Absolutly

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(217): View more from Illinois

It's refreshing to see you in something that is stained with something other than vomit and spilled alcohol.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(703): View more from Virginia

does it still count as break up sex if it's 4 months later? sorry i'm just looking for an excuse to fuck him.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i just did the math...im a product of my mothers birthday sex

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Dude, Her having kids just means she puts out.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

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(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

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(416): View more from Toronto

sorry i couldnt make it to your birthday last night. i admit i chose being a whore over you.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(720): View more from Colorado

You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.

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(917): View more from New York City

I really wish i had a penis so i could dick slap that bitch right now

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(319): View more from Iowa

yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You can spell. I can kill people with no remorse. We all have our skills.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(404): View more from Georgia

can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What you up to?

(734): View more from Michigan

Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.

(248): View more from Michigan

Full throttle

(734): View more from Michigan

Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.

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(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore

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(831): View more from California

i saw the 3rd guy i ever had sex with last night and kept calling him #3

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(919): View more from North Carolina

just the thought makes me want to clean my vag with a clorox wipe

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(619): View more from California

I just realized that when I walk away people probably say "wow she really has a drinking problem" and sadly it doesn't bother me.

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(212): View more from New York

Did Neil Armstrong say the moon was too far away! NO! He built himself a fucking rocketship is what he did!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the three of them together have enough kids to fill a barney live audience.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Is it bad to go up to the security desk and ask them for the name of the guy I signed in last night? I have absolutley no clue

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(905): View more from Ontario

"Not only do I bring a guy back to my hotel room....But I bring one back for my friend who's passed out drunk. Now that's what we call BESTfriends"

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(315): View more from New York

words cant express how excited I am to make January 1st our own personal version of The Hangover

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(614): View more from Ohio

i bought a pregnancy test with dimes. Is that trashy?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(972): View more from Texas

Going to a jewelry store high is not a good idea. I look like mr.t's wife.

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(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm surrounded by too many unhungover people.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I saw him at work today and he gave me a really awkward "I know what you do drunk" look...

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(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

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(209): View more from California

i can totally see doctors naming an STD after you

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have a feeling we are going to become cougars together.

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