Texts From Last Night · danicups's Favorites

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danicups's Favorites Texts:

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(205): View more from Alabama

After she came with my hands around her neck, she sat there for a minute and gave me the scuba diving sign for a-ok.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i don't know where i am. i made bad decisions. i think this guy is dead.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(818): View more from California

Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

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(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked if he could fuck me while on chat roulette.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it weird that I want your dad to go down on me?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

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(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

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(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

the guy was wearing a viagra shirt, i knew what i got myself into.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(701): View more from North Dakota

For a second, I wondered if I could smoke pizza.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(207): View more from Maine

He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just think, if your stepsister would've gotten knocked up 2 years earlier, she could've had a TV show. What a bitch.

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

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(606): View more from Kentucky

i believe i can now do shots of gasoline with no chaser. its been that kind of summer.

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(626): View more from California

Is it bad that we're talking like nothing happened?

(308): View more from Nebraska

Ah. Blossoming love after wild blackout drunk sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

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(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(970): View more from Colorado

3 complete strangers have joyously high-fived me on campus today. Tell me why, starting after jager bomb #4.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He went so fast i didnt even have time to pretend like i was about to have a fake orgasim

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You smell like stripper and shame

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so are you any less fat since you started doing blow?

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(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

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(305): View more from Florida

once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

He dated me before I started drinking. I feel like he deserves a consolation bj for all the effort he had to put in to get in my pants.

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(630): View more from Illinois

slowly transforming into a stationary lump of steel. how can you tell me that was JUST weed

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I don't even want to think what you did to boys being that drunk and horny.

(905): View more from Ontario

Then I wouldn't suggest looking at the pictures from last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

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(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Don't worry. I has chaperone.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I woke up with a new Tiffanys necklace on. I'm such a classy drunk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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(954): View more from Florida

You two were too busy to notice that his used condom landed on me when he threw it.. Thanks.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

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(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Best morning ever. I saw a bum giving another bum a blowjob downtown.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Tonight is one of those "I'm wearing a shirt as a dress" nights because I need to get laid.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sunscreen. In my vag. I hate summer sex.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(361): View more from Texas

She cried. My mom screams. And nut went everywhere. It was all around a bad situation.

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(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(417): View more from Missouri

I may do that, fyi I'm even more sore than I was yesterday. It's like the ghost of your dick is still inside me.

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(937): View more from Ohio

We drove past his house blaring "Like a virgin" in the middle of the day. pretty sure he heard.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

is it still called a breakup if its your friends boyfriend that you have stopped sleeping with?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

imagine how many guys you'd have sex if you didn't recieve your monthly gift.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(407): View more from Florida

i actually have a tan line from him holding my boob while we were sunbathing

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sitting here wishing there were men in my life.

(917): View more from New York City

me too. too bad ive decided to fill that hole with cookie dough, closing the door to future men one fat cell at a time.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not a creep or anything, just a lost soul looking for a good lay

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(352): View more from Florida

she kept peeing on everything and yelling it was now her property.

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(703): View more from Virginia

like the penis drawn on my face is so detailed and well done, i'm not even upset about it.

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(315): View more from New York

I just called my cat a slut and she responded. Proudest moment ever.

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(559): View more from California

he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We've only been driving for two hours and I'm already down 3 vicodin...I'm not going to survive this family vacation.

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(281): View more from Texas

when "blow-job jen" drunk dials you at 3 in the morning, you answer

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(315): View more from New York

Dont have access to internet. masturbating to shake weight commercial.

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My fave moment of today was you sitting in a hot pink innertube puking into the ocean in front of a lot of children. i would have held your hair back but the ocean did it for you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I said i love rain, just to change the subject, and he said 'id like to do it in the rain'. Dear lord. He doesnt stop

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(817): View more from Texas

he turned the pretty ricky playlist on. its about to go down.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just introduced him to multiple male orgasms. I love wine AND tequila

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(512): View more from Texas

You just kept saying "I want my babies to look like you."

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(281): View more from Texas

I just want to go some place where I can have a nice night. Grind on men who speak no English, make out with a girl, and not feel judged.

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(626): View more from California

he came over wasted, used the bathroom, drank some water, and fell asleep holding my hand. what kind of a fuck buddy does that??

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(515): View more from Iowa

The problem with having your drunkeness documented at a wedding is not only does it show up all over facebook, but all over professional photography websites.

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(647): View more from Ontario

all nice guys are gay and all hot ones are assholes

(905): View more from Ontario

You're fat. Stop making excuses

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's hard to be above the influence when you are the influence.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hopefully. Play it cool. Bust out a few jokes. Chew with your mouth closed and show your boobs.

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(540): View more from Virginia

I love drunk self when he leaves a prepacked bong for the morning... in the bathroom.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

It's called penis withdraw. Or alcoholism. I get them confused these days.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I'm going to fuck my way out of the friend zone if its the last thing I do

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I had a frozen water bed.

(253): View more from Washington

best. idea. ever.

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(315): View more from New York

He said that if more girls show up hes not going to ask ages... Spoken like a true sex offender

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

well, it ended with me crying outside the strip club saying i don't want to be 21 anymoree. i'd say it was a great 21st birthday.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(518): View more from New York

I kept telling myself all night that it was completely okay for me to lose all sense of my morals because it was my birthday.

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(503): View more from Oregon

One reason I don't come to Portland. I saw 8 guys I have had sex with last night. At the same party.

(503): View more from Oregon

By 8 I mean 9.

(503): View more from Oregon

And by 9 I mean 10.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(616): View more from Michigan

my mom just informed me that im way nicer when im high and offered to supply my weed until our house guests leave.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

does that include her cleaning your bowl?

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(407): View more from Florida

please say your awake. the girl i brought home last night...any idea on a name? she isnt up yet...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Solid performance last night. Wanna be fuck buddies?

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

SEEEEXXX PLEASE

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(910): View more from North Carolina

too bad they don't have a 'people you may be able to do' thing on facebook. it would save me a lot of fucking time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I haven't shaved so I have to behave myself. I'm going to do this from now on.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

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(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(440): View more from Ohio

I just did the classiest thing ever.

(216): View more from Ohio

last time you said that you got chlamydia.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

and we just had intercourse last night so i'm exhausted, fucked up on adderol, emotionally broken and just pissed

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

There is an old man sitting across from me. Phone rang and his ringtone is children giggling, I'm not safe here.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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(614): View more from Ohio

I Bought a bracelet with bible characters and a charm broke. the virgin mary one. Do you think it's a sign?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Next time we go to the river, we nominate you to flash people for free booze. Your tits are the biggest.

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(571): View more from Virginia

every time you want to hook up with a guy who has a girl friend, i'll just give you a freshman

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(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She should get an extra 30 days for that Georgia Rule movie......terrible.

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(330): View more from Ohio

fell asleep with the bong in the pool, weirdest tan line ever

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(253): View more from Washington

I think when she wakes up, she'll either kill me, or laugh. I hope she laughs.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

At what point are you a chubby chaser or just desperate for sex?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He tried to carry her to her room after she passed out, but when he picked her up she came back to, saw him, screamed rape and pulled out her vuvuzela app and blasting it like a rape whistle.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Every time I hit my bowl my neighbors set off fireworks... I stop, they stop. I start again, they start again. Too high for this.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Totally just grabbed the wrong dick. Damn this tequila.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's like there testing me. My dad kept handing me margaritas and saying "you can take it"

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm gonna have sex with a woman...help

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(210): View more from Texas

I popped a zit on your vagina. Don't say I never loved you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We went out. i got lost. dunno where they were. they slept in the car. i slept in an outdoor shower. i dont know anything else.

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(915): View more from Texas

Dude you picked up her Chihuahua and threatened to kill it yelling "it's not cinco de mayo, bitches"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just peeled a layer of cum off my eyelid. Don't even tell me that's not why you came over

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

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(806): View more from Texas

Two words Indian burn...

(1-806): View more from Texas

What did she think it was, a shake weight?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

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(954): View more from Florida

First date: that requires underwear, huh?

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(817): View more from Texas

would it be subtle enough if I played birthday sex on repeat while I may or may not be stripping?

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(480): View more from Arizona

we made out inside of a kiddie slide for about 20 mins. it was the sexiest, most suffocating experience I've ever had

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(740): View more from Ohio

you should have seen his reaction to my boobs, it was like he just met god

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

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(937): View more from Ohio

[insert really romantic bullshit about how much i love you and how beautiful you are so you will suck my dick tonight]

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I mean can we take a second to high five on our sex life? I love us.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't want to eat him, he probably tastes terrible.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I might not be able to enter cuba but that doesn't mean that a cuban can't enter me

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(815): View more from Illinois

No.. It's totally over.. He deleted the poke I sent him.. That makes it official.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I mean, I'd wanted to go skinny dipping, hook up with him and have sex on a beach, so last night I basically killed 3 birds with one super slutty stone.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I was born in the year of the cock... How fitting.

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(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

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(631): View more from New York

Nah you can have him. There's too many men in my life right now. I can't handle another dick.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all i asked was if it was all the way in, and now im laying here alone. sensitive guys fucking suck

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(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

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(517): View more from Michigan

you're the best thing to happen to me. closely followed by learning to ejaculate, and drugs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

All he said was "Yeah, there's a lot of air down there. And penis."

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(+61): View more from Australia

He asked if I was on the pill, apparently I just downed my glass of beer and winked at him...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We should see who can shotgun a beer faster over iPhone FaceTime

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(314): View more from Missouri

My epitaph should read "Margaritas: she never learned"

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(206): View more from Washington

dude i've broken up a marriage, I think I can handle a simple engagement.

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(561): View more from Florida

The frequency that you give me blue balls couldn't be healthy.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Look at it this way: if he'll have sex with a tomato, he'll have sex with you.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

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(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

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(540): View more from Virginia

Just found my toeprints on the glass of his sunroof.

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(914): View more from New York

The best thing he's ever done for me was comment on my profile picture saying "hello boner"

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(313): View more from Michigan

The little things make me happy. Little dicks do not.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck their fairy tale bullshit. I shall ruin it. With a few thrusts of my cock.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(914): View more from New York

Eric just called. Says he's trapped in a cul de sac because the road disappeared. Wants me to tell him what street has the bushes that whisper sweet nothings into you ear and the wobbling purple pokemon. Oh, and a "bigger and better" penis is growing out of his belly button. He took shrooms by the way.

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(650): View more from California

Is it normal to miss your booty call?

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(541): View more from Oregon

i think it was just a coincidence but she literally vomited the second she saw my penis.

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(513): View more from Ohio

god help us all. i just saw an infant wearing a onesie that said "i don't know who my daddy is"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

her sex was completely horrible but her weed was great. imma ask her out again

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(816): View more from Missouri

I met him yesterday and now he's wanting to hold hands and kiss in public. i hate this

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(904): View more from Florida

took out my tampon, fucked him, and put a new one back in all before he realized I was on my period. beat that one bitch.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Fact: Telling a guy he has erectile dysfunction doesn't solve the problem.

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(905): View more from Ontario

She woke up 3 seperate times, each time she had a look of pure terror on her face, she had no clue where she was.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

i lost virginity while listening to candy shop. something in my life has finally gone right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Is today national text-a-girl-whose-had-your-dick-in-her-mouth day and I just wasn't aware?? I am getting the most random "just saying hey" texts ever and that's the only common denominator.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if we break up, blackout me is coming back, making out with everything in sight

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(317): View more from Indiana

My face is bruised from laying on the concrete. NO MORE VODKA!

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(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't believe you're fucking in the bar bathroom, but everyone else can, and they're really proud.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(360): View more from Washington

Just heard this lady walk by on her phone saying "did everyone orgasm?"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

not sure what to think.... picked her up and her dad says "if you take her home, you'll regret it"

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(819): View more from Quebec

FYI don't ever, ever get a lap dance from a stripper who says " she's having a bad day " at a bachelor party.

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(425): View more from Washington

couldnt find a condom. used a surgical glove instead. actually worked and the sex was great. thanks nursing school

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(706): View more from Georgia

I GOT MY PERIOD!

(706): View more from Georgia

damn. i had names picked out.

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(323): View more from California

forecast for tonight- shitshow with a chance of tbell

(310): View more from California

my version of bright and sunny.

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(407): View more from Florida

Well, shes famous, an alcoholic, hillarious, and has big boobs.... Pretty much my only aspirations in life.

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(561): View more from Florida

I love the progression of these pictures. I go from cute to Courtney Love

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(559): View more from California

You don't understand, Single Ladies is like the Don't Stop Believing of the gay community.

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(517): View more from Michigan

careful when you do the walk of shame, they are handing out bibles on campus

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(702): View more from Nevada

Maybe i should go to church more so i can meet girls like in that song, you know, the ones that act slutty on every day but sunday...

(1-702): View more from Nevada

ah, so the catholic church. i gotcha

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh right she's pregnant - that's why all of her statuses have been uber depressing

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room

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(330): View more from Ohio

this is going to sound stupid but when I was drunk and thought I was a stripper where I did toss my pants?

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(702): View more from Nevada

She told me I had to leave by four. We fucked until six thirty and we are the champions played on the way home. Yeah god knew

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(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

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(636): View more from Missouri

she was talking to me but i could help but stare at the extremely long hairs on her boobs. then she says, "your looking at the hair on my boobs aren't you"

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just got a full body massage. It was uncomfortable at first, but then I realized I let strangers turn off the lights and put their hands all over my naked body 3 times a week anyways.

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(212): View more from New York

R you on birth control?

(1-212): View more from New York

No, why?

(212): View more from New York

...no reason

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(805): View more from California

Fuck?...well quicky, i have to study...unless you can read my book while i bang you, then it can last four chapters

(303): View more from Colorado

I can be that talented

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(336): View more from North Carolina

nothing can go wrong this weekend. $1500 to spend. i have options for hookups every night. my backup plans have backup plans

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(408): View more from California

Everytime she would start slurring, she'd stop, hold up a finger, wait like 30 seconds, then try again. I love drunk people

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(513): View more from Ohio

you know you go to a catholic school when you are rollin a joint with matthew 14:1-12

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(530): View more from California

both roomates are passed out on the floor. I feel like I'm missing out on crucial bonding time by sleeping in my bed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

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(810): View more from Michigan

If I'm having a dream where I'm having sex and I can actually feel it between my legs because I've had a lot of it recently, does that make me a whore?

(989): View more from Michigan

I have a feeling this is a serious question. Problem solve, Jess.. I'm going to let you figure that one out on your own

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(518): View more from New York

All I want in this world right now are Doritoessssss

(301): View more from Maryland

OK. You going to get home safe? Who are you with?

(518): View more from New York

Doritoesssssss

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i woke up to him dangling his cock in front of my face

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

it's like her boobs came off with her bra

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It's cute how he thinks we're going to have sex again

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

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(518): View more from New York

In my defense it was my birthday and I really wanted to do it.

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