Texts From Last Night · menda's Favorites

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menda's Favorites Texts:

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(225): View more from Louisiana

all 3 of us brought blondes home last night. all 3 are passed out. we're gonna switch rooms and see how long until one of them notices.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I went to moterboat her and I started laughing, so I just kinda blew on them... I think I'm gona call that move the sailboat.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think he finally resigned to the fact he could not get off. He just looked at me and said "I'm having testicle difficulties," rolled over and passed out.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

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(660): View more from Missouri

Free beer happened. I got hammered and aaron did his first keg stand. Then went all martha stewart on redecorating the bathroom. I remember being at walmart

(281): View more from Texas

What theme did he decide on for the bathroom?

(660): View more from Missouri

Well as you know martha loves the northeast this time of year. I believe the theme was 'coney island' decorrated with hot dogs and macaroni

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Chick stood right next to me in the elevator. Like she had the whole elevator and she stood right next to me. So I farted.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(214): View more from Texas

The Lord gave Farrah Fawcett 1 wish when she died. She wished that all children in the world would be safe! The Lord granted her wish and killed Michael Jackson.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(305): View more from Florida

he clicked a button a stirrups came down from the ceiling... if I don't come home by sunday, report me.

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(253): View more from Washington

I hate when my naked walk-arounds are interrupted by someone knocking on the door

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.

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(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so my dad walked in on us having sex

(1-256): View more from Alabama

lulz really? why?

(256): View more from Alabama

lets just say he wont be answering to 'daddy' for a loooooong time

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(847): View more from Illinois

Hannah Montana > iCarly

(309): View more from Illinois

I'm disregarding that text and your testicles entirely

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(703): View more from Virginia

I told him he didn't want "flip-flop extraction" on his medical history.

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(+91): View more from India

Having a pigeon watch you poop is just creepy. Drunk or not.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.

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(207): View more from Maine

I got fucking wesley sniped last night by that power hoe. How'd it end up on your end? Did you canoodle the stripper enough for her to agree to go to formal?

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(352): View more from Florida

Dude, dont worry about the lamb fetus in the fridge.

(1-352): View more from Florida

What?

(352): View more from Florida

Just dont open the beer drawer.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she said and I quote "NO SOUP FOR YOU!!!" and closed her legs.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(425): View more from Washington

my ass just sighed. even my farts are tired.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(353): View more from

When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Houston.. we have a drinking problem..

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(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you send me a pic of you vag, I'm sexting the guy and he wants a pic but I didnt shave

(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude are you serious?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I know you already have a pic on your phone

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

You screamed 'pound me, you big thick stud.' I looked around for porn cameras.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Shut up. I did not.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

I really wish I was making that up.

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(831): View more from California

period poops. best. ever.

(925): View more from California

omigod im sitting here with ben and he and i both got that...chick you totally just mass texted that...

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(847): View more from Illinois

as soon as I walked into work this morning, my boss called me out on my hangover, patted me on the back and said I'm getting time an a half for even showing up. Did I really look that bad this morning?

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me i make him happier than drugs. that's some serious shit right there

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(434): View more from Virginia

you would not believe what I got pierced last night...

(540): View more from Virginia

son, I feel like that is a phrase a father never wants to hear.

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(702): View more from Nevada

the lady at Walgreens winked at me when i asked where the cherry chapstick was... damn u katy perry!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish I had more reasons to start sentences with the phrase, "Here's the thing you've got to remember about cougars ...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My sheets, bed, and bathroom are covered in blood. She needed 14 stitches after a trip to ER. This is the last white girl I ever hookup with.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I kiss like a newly born barfing kangaroo

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i realized boys travel in groups of 3's and girls travel in 4's..thats why it gets so tricky

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

like hot dogs and buns.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The difference between what I would do for a regular Klondike bar and an Oreo flavored Klondike bar is astounding

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(619): View more from California

i miss you so much

(858): View more from California

i miss you too

(858): View more from California

oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me

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(719): View more from Colorado

just survived the first fart of the relationship.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Left for charity run at 5AM. Saw a pigeon eating last night's vomit and a pair of shame-walkers in high heels. Nature at it's finest.

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I hope my sperm were as drunk as I was.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i woke up to find out i googled the Twilight Eclipse trailer. so either drunk me doesn't know that i'm straight, or sober me doesn't know that i'm gay

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I want to see you every morning in the kitchen ass naykid on roller blades making pancakes.

(1-434): View more from Virginia

Stop sending me these texts. This is your mom, not your girlfriend.

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(415): View more from California

my friend just told me "I dunno what u r doing but keep doing it cuz it makes u look fabulous"

(650): View more from California

LOL that's cool. Guess u r gonna have to keep doing me

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(317): View more from Indiana

if you were drunk and peed in your friend's washing maching, would you send an "i'm sorry" text or say nothing at all?

(317): View more from Indiana

all hypothetical of course

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

A squiggle pen was my first vibrator back when I was young. I would lock myself in my bedroom with that thing. Oh to be 8 again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he wanted to get "words" tattooed on his penis so he could say hes always putting words in my mouth..

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I think we should involve a squid next time we fuck.

(1-416): View more from Ontario

u kno there is a reason i dont tell mi friends about u

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.

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(706): View more from Georgia

He noticed there was ketchup on his shirt and took it off. Noticed there were people there and put it back on. Then he saw the ketchup again. He must have taken his shirt on and off about 6 times

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(315): View more from New York

He's been dancing to the same Rob Thomas album in his room for almost 8 hours now. Please never, ever bring extacy over here again.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i hope not, i just know that at one point I was sitting on the bathroom floor eating bugles and crying because i had no one to show that it looked like I had witch nails when i stuck them on the ends of all ofmy fingers.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She tied me up with her honor cords...

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(409): View more from Texas

We're listening to the crystal method and doing bong hits for jesus

(1-409): View more from Texas

How are you texting me from 1998?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(240): View more from Maryland

He walked in AS I was cumming. Now even my father knows I'm a squirter.

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(+49): View more from Germany

Our relationship just reached the stage where i can touch her boobs while making a honking noise without getting hit in the face

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Dude someone is playing the piano in the other room while I shit and it's making it really peaceful

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(865): View more from Tennessee

mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.

(1-865): View more from Tennessee

i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was in holding with a guy that got a DUI on a hover round. He was so nice. We're hanging out tonight.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I didnt realize my nipple ring fell out until he coughed it up.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Right before he passed out, he said "Stuporman, coming in for a landing"

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(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

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(775): View more from Nevada

So, during a 20 minute shower I spent 19 minutes spinning in circles and 1 minute licking the wall, and it was better than sex. I can't wait to do X again.

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(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

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(269): View more from Michigan

I can't get away from Pickles they're either stuck in me, in my mouth, or I'm stuck in one. fuck my whole entire life.

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(727): View more from Florida

what do 4 police cars, 1 ambulence, and 2 fire truycks have in common?.... My driveway

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna

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(416): View more from Toronto

The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

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(210): View more from Texas

Somebody was walking their dog with their car. seriously

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(636): View more from Missouri

I knew the cheap date at Taco Bell would backfire because it makes even the most pre-cautious girls involuntary fart in public

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(734): View more from Michigan

so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it

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(863): View more from Florida

I passed out in the VIP room and she charged me for 17 songs until I woke up, theres a bouncer asking me for $700, fuck tequila

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

shes trying to light up her bowl in front of the fan. everytime it blows it out she just gives it a dirty look.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she asked if i had a condom...i said yes...when we finished it wasnt on...told her it was at home on my dresser.

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(660): View more from Missouri

Just watched 1 guy 1 jar with my mom. Awkwardville...

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

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(410): View more from Maryland

We'll see haha. The cum didn't work...I just chewed the whole thing in a day.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

I hope you meant gum...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

You litterally reached into some girls shirt, pulled out her tit and yelled whats up with this guy.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(519): View more from Ontario

what if the hokey pokey really is what its all about?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(718): View more from New York

We walked in and they were fucking to Somewhere Over the Rainbow... I need a new roommate.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Why are you ignoring all of my texts?

(1-765): View more from Indiana

The power was out.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(708): View more from Illinois

We saw some woman wearing leather pants. It was weird. We have decided to follow her on her travels to see where people go in leather pants in Michigan.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Happy graduation...we are now officially unemployed alcoholics!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(302): View more from Delaware

Sometimes I kiss girls just to make them shut up.

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(408): View more from California

man, i hate rosetta stone. i wanted to impress this girl with italian last night but all i could say were things like "a blue airplane" and "he is wearing a white shirt"

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i think he might wanna be bffs again, but idk cause we're friends again but we haven't been bff since like a year. i don't know what to think...

(985): View more from Louisiana

wow. what a nail bitter. i need popcorn for this. brb

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I just pooped in his toilet and didn't flush...I desperately need to get him past the girls don't poop phase.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Ed hardy makes air fresheners now. Now even the air can be a douchebag.

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(210): View more from Texas

she just took a shower. i'll probs go down on her to encourage shower taking. it's like pavlov, you know?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(509): View more from Washington

My booty call said shes done doing the walk of shame. Wtf is that?

(541): View more from Oregon

It's what anyone that sleeps with you, specifically, does when they leave. Some do it even when they just think of you.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

hdsncx Gizmo asnqw toilet blanasdi

(214): View more from Texas

ok, stay where you are, be there soon

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??

(713): View more from Texas

Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's happening again. I feel like I'm under water and my heart beat matches "Teenage Wasteland"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

dying kittens.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You left a skid on my bar stool!!!!

(847): View more from Illinois

Oops! Sorry about getting stool on your stool!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(419): View more from Ohio

it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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(206): View more from Washington

I drank it, and now my boss keeps hitting me in the face with beams of light.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Tripping at your desk probably isn't the best plan you've had.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

you threw up in the bushes next to the ABC store and kept saying "you're home, blueberry vodka, you're home!"

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(+47): View more from Norway

I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pooping in your heated bathroom to the sound of rain and instrumental guitar might be the greatest experience ever.

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(415): View more from California

How fat would you say she has to be before I can consider this a threesome

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(804): View more from Virginia

I'm outside your house...sorry I feel like I don't need formal invites anymore.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(850): View more from Florida

come over anyways, right now, right this second

(850): View more from Florida

it can be a super quick quicky, then you can go back to studying

(561): View more from Florida

wow, that sounds SO fun, please stop enticing me with premature ejaculation

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(216): View more from Ohio

ok this guy next to me just sat down with a no joke, 10,000 page book, popped an addy, cracked open a red bull and opened the book to page 1.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

well there was some sort of sex marathon going on in my house last night..jess and i vs my parents...and im ashamed to say that we lost and my parents out-sexed us

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(802): View more from Vermont

does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children

(1-802): View more from Vermont

actually, i try not to think about it

(802): View more from Vermont

and i pooped them out

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I love how girls just decide that guys who don't like them must be gay

(602): View more from Arizona

I do the same thing. If a girl doesn't like me...I am like, "i must be gay"

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

when she asked me if it was possible to swim under north america i knew it was time to leave.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Maybe I'll tuck it in and pretend to be a woman pretending to be a man that is attracted to women that are attracted to women who look like men

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

dude on moped wearing crocs...somebody get this guy his man card back

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(312): View more from Illinois

so hey instead of everyone buying me a birthday present can everyone just pitch in for my abortion?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(916): View more from California

The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Sorry I totally forgot to text you back. When you texted me I was at work at the pharmacy and it was stupid busy. And then of course I had my 8 hour "shoot me b/c half of Loyola comes in to buy plan B" shift.

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(708): View more from Illinois

his status popped up and said 'probably going to jail.' it took everything i had not to press the like button

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was your Memorial Day?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The Ukrainian kid just told me that our econ professor wants to bone me. Please tell me that phrase means something different in Eastern Europe.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Well its official I'm an idiot. I made out hardcore with an employee last night in our banquet room. Oh and got wasted at work. Oh and showed my staff squirrel on a trampoline.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Walked into this guys room, saw a tickle me elmo under his desk with white stains in its mouth. This is awkward.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i woke up this morning in my bathroom,naked, with my boxers around my face and puke and shit on the floor and wondering why i didn't have a toenail on my one big toe.

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

compared to you, a hobo is quite responsible.

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Sacagawea was the original milf.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we were having sex in the bathroom when his aunt knocked on the door

(865): View more from Tennessee

and rather than go out and meet her, i climbed out the window. so now she thinks he was masturbating and moaning his own name in a really girly voice

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(586): View more from Michigan

On friday while at the hotel bar by myself (creepy) I made friends w/ a millionaire who said he may be running for the position of mayor in richmond va (likely a lie). At one point during our discourse he asked if I was crazy. In the effort of full disclosure I looked him in the eye and said yes

(586): View more from Michigan

I don't know what prompted his inquiry, clearly this man had impeccable intuition

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(908): View more from New Jersey

The whole way homeyou were flapping your arms up and down, and when I asked why you said you were trying to tell Tony Danza about the angels.

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(213): View more from California

I found the TV remote. It was in the washing machine along with the chicken wings you kept complaining to Domino's about that they 'never delivered'

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(205): View more from Alabama

what happens if a cat eats a birth control pill? i mean i don't care about the cat i really just don't want to get pregnant

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(256): View more from Alabama

She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I can't believe you blew on her face.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I feel that every long term relationship needs at least one big,load delivered straight between the eyes.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(925): View more from California

just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(847): View more from Illinois

And God said, "Let there be Twilight," and it was so.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I should injure you considerably.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just took a beer bong out of snuffaluffagus's trunk. Your move

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was like hansel and gretel. i puked a trail from mcdonalds to our place so i could find my way back in the morning

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sam from lord of the rings is 10 yards away from me, i am creaming myself.

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(630): View more from Illinois

bang him and never speak to him again. also, queef in his face.

(716): View more from New York

i dont this its possible to queef on command.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm in his phone as sushi coochie

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

imagine a blue Jetta with an ILLINOIS license plate that read JISLORD..... upon pondering it for 10minutes I came to the conclusion that J stood for JESUS and IF the license plate had enough room it would read "Jesus Is Lord"

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(209): View more from California

what is college for if not random hookup sex?

(951): View more from California

learning.

(209): View more from California

i would literally fuck learning if i could.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think im in love with that girl with the googlie eyes last night. She was looking in my eyes and at my dick at the same time. we are going out again tonight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(813): View more from Florida

This guy told us that for a dollar and two cigarettes he'd let Megan stomp on his crotch. We were gonna refuse, but we figured someone had to keep him from passing his stupid genes along.

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(469): View more from Texas

I told him to go down on me and when he did he started crying!! I asked him why and he said my vag looked just like his ex girlfriends!!!

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(415): View more from California

its like he missed a chap in the "being a guy" handbook and read the bible instead

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Oh my god he is having a sentimental moment right now.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

He just sent me like a really heartfelt confession of love in which he ended with "make the apt, I'll hold your hand while you get your clit pierced."

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(847): View more from Illinois

this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way

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(530): View more from California

69 is so not fun when his penis is sporting a 70s hairstyle

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(706): View more from Georgia

don't look now, but that cross eyed girl is staring at you... and me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

got arrested for "breaking and entering" last night when i supposedly went into the wrong house made a sandwich and tried jerking off to porn on the tv...the cops told me they came in while my dick was out...oh and i missed work this morning and got fired

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just turned the eviction notice into a beer pong list

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(631): View more from New York

the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

overheard a conversation between 2 lesbians: 'back when I used to have dick sex...' oh, vegas, I so heart you

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(516): View more from New York

Midget Michael Jackson impersonator dancing to Beat it in Penn Station almost caused me to miss my train. God, I

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(330): View more from Ohio

cab driver gave us mini bottles of jd for the ride home & proceeded to run every red light. wonder how many bottles he drank.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm still drunk from last night...I walked out for a cigarette with one of the Janitors here and apparently someone took a shit on the stairs...Which makes me wonder...was that me?

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(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

worse things have happened to me. but if it will make you feel better you can pay for my therapist sessions next week.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I tried making the sex a little better this time so right before I blew I yelled "ready or not here I come!"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I had a fork in my beer hand and just stabbed my tongue.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(303): View more from Colorado

oh my she just said cum sticks to her dentures so when she blows if they let her she takes them out

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(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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(785): View more from Kansas

if i get the "i'm engaged" text one more time, i'm going to shoot myself in the face so my cats won't eat it when i die alone.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(961): View more from

I was working er so they smashed a vodka bottle over dan's head so they'd have an excuse to visit

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just walked through a room full of deaf people and farted i love deaf people

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

ironically, his detergent was also "small and mighty"

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(909): View more from California

I got so many pubes stuck in her braces that when she yanked her head, I cried out like that one girl you "accidentally" rear-ended last week. Bald spots are battle scars.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

We were done making out and had been asleep for a hour. I felt him put his hand on my butt. Then I farted.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(301): View more from Maryland

this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.

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(925): View more from California

I think a homeless person took a bath in my mouth while I was sleeping :(

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(906): View more from Michigan

last night they convinced you that a sharpie was a new style of chap stick... so when you wake up, you might want to do something about that

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(432): View more from Texas

"you've got the devil in yuh. the curse of Jesus is coming on your sex soon." That's what a homeless guy just told me.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just mistook a monk for someone with the newest colored snuggie.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so last night after we hooked up i got my period and woke up this morning with a blood stain on his bed and not only was it huge but i had put my jeans back on before bed so i took the walk of shame with period stained pants

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(206): View more from Washington

Tip for today: never try to fart and swallow at the same time. You'll end up choking on whatever you are currently swallowing and shit yourself from the freakout of choking.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just witnessed a fat girl fall off the treadmill, pop a medicine ball, and drink coke out of a water bottle all in one workout.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

dude we were spooning naked in bed with her ass in my crotch. she sharted in her sleep all over my dick.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Medical school killed my enjoyment of porn. Hard to keep a boner when you're diagnosing all the actor's STDs and skin disorders.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Jesus can read your poker face... He is not pleased

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(949): View more from California

Dood you jacked it to warcraft. you can't come back from something like that

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(512): View more from Texas

just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I just saw the dad from "Little People Big World" at the airport. I chased him down and congratulated him for beating the DUI.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I developed a drinking game for WoW. Everytime I die, I take a shot.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Please get laid.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I woke up this morning and "The Wood" was on tv. Touche TBS, touche.

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(850): View more from Florida

We were laughing at the passed out guy who had gone to sleep under the car in the McDonald's lot until we realized it was you.

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(850): View more from Florida

I tried karate at age 7 and quit after realizing it conflicted with watching new episodes of "Full House."

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(253): View more from Washington

is there any particular reason you took a shit in a zip lock bag and left it in my refrigerator?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Firetruck pulls up, fireman jumps out n knocks on my door, asks "do you know where Johnny lives?"

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(585): View more from New York

i barely touched his dick and all of a sudden he yells, "BONER!"

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(812): View more from Indiana

The doctor put me on 3000 mg of amoxicillin a day. Which, for a sinus infection, seems pretty excessive to me.

(317): View more from Indiana

Maybe he was just trying to knock out any potential ghonorrhea you might be carrying around.

(812): View more from Indiana

Ah, my reputation precedes me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Probably should plan this out. Step one: grow stache. Two: get trenchcoat. Three: Kidnap Selena Gomez.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I had better be fucking involved with step four.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This is your typical "sorry i got drunk and tried to seduce you into having sex while you were throwing up" text.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(817): View more from Texas

Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.

(817): View more from Texas

I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(925): View more from California

Only my sister would update her facebook status while going into labor.

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(415): View more from California

Jizz is so healthy, they should sell it at Jamba Juice. Call it "Jamba's Juice". Genius.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the not having weed thing wouldnt be nearly as tragic if it wasnt the one holiday where they launch bright flaming things into the air

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I would dunk an oreo in her breast milk

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(865): View more from Tennessee

And you kept hanging up and calling back because you thought I wasn't greeting you properly.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

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(443): View more from Maryland

God Help those hot young girls. It's going to be like Bambi in iraq. Except worse.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Omg. There's def a kid, like 10 years old, sitting in a buggy at wal mart holding a sign that reads "I can't behave"

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(276): View more from Virginia

So I'm really hungover walking to work and these douches from comcast on bikes ask if they can take a picture with me to show that they're doing their job. The picture: me, this chick from comcast, i'm holding a 2 ft. pixie stick, a comcast flyer and i'm puking in the parking lot. sounds like their doing a good job!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Note to self: When getting ready to leave with a kid in a wheelchair don't say Let's roll

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Eating in charleston sc at a seafood place called "hymans". Like normal I had no problem finding it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm lit.While shaving my legs I pretended the razor was a tractor cutting down corn. Noises included.

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(650): View more from California

So the D.A.R.E. essay I helped my tutor kid write won an award. Oh the irony.

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(478): View more from Georgia

you ate skittles off the table like a hungry hungry hippo. it was awesome.

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(630): View more from Illinois

hot girl, 5 o clock

(1-630): View more from Illinois

do you know how to read a clock?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The world would be so much better with thought bubbles.

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(434): View more from Virginia

just got 3 freshman girls to makeout with each other at a toga party! score!

(1-434): View more from Virginia

why is this not a picture message?!?!

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(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

a woman just threw her tv out the window while screaming "will you fucking work now?". i'm never moving

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(313): View more from Michigan

I am in shape. i keep telling you that.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Round is not "in shape," it's "a shape."

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just shit 3 out of the 4 types of matter

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i'm going to be honest, my vagina smells.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

and then I told her I was too drunk. She started to cry, and told me this always happens to her and that she thinks shes ugly. I pretended I was asleep and then she farted.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a black eye last night. This guy said for every 35 pounds you lose you gain an inch to your dick. I asked him how long he has been peeing sitting down.

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(530): View more from California

Funny, my mom didn't get it when I said 'that's what she said' after she said 'it's so thick, it's impossible' in reference to my milkshake

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(512): View more from Texas

New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't need id to drink rum in an alley.

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it proper Ass-Fingering-Etiquette to tell her u felt her poop or just pretend it didn't happen?

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(214): View more from Texas

Yeah, I was googling pictures of sharks, and I accidentally typed "shart." Huge mistake.

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(707): View more from California

i wiped a booger on my final. end of semester present.

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(705): View more from Ontario

i thought i was pinching her nipple. It was her mole

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(917): View more from New York City

I was giving him a blow job in the kitchen, but it was uncomfortable. so i took the oven mitts and used them as knee pads.

(917): View more from New York City

Don't tell me i'm not fucking resourceful.

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(407): View more from Florida

Bank of America texted me 7 times in 12 hours to say my balance was below $50. I kept transfering money back in. Then I texted my bank saying that it was okay, i knew what I was doing.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not only did I hold your hair back as you puked, i french braided it. I am such a great friend.

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(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(802): View more from Vermont

Remember back in the day when getting fingered in the movie theater was the best thing ever?

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(574): View more from Indiana

i just broke my key off in the door of my house because the engine wasnt starting

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(903): View more from Texas

My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.

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(563): View more from Iowa

his prince albert piercing just severely cut the roof of my mouth. can you pick me up at the hospital if he drops me off?

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