Texts From Last Night · dfws's Favorites

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dfws's Favorites Texts:

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just successfully invited my mom to a drag show. If that doesnt say "im gay" then idk what will.

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Is it just me or does the sex still keep getting better? I wasn't crying, my eyes just watered from how hard I was cumming.

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(480): View more from Arizona

i am willing to donate my body to this science experiment when it means free blowjobs

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Can you get the drug form of snow for the blizzard this weekend?

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(607): View more from New York

The highlight of the night was when he yelled "WAS THIS CONDOM MADE FOR TODDLERS??"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sober. Being kissed by a chick with a llama puppet. Shoot me now.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Apparently i was the first person to introduce her to her clitoris. Needless to say...they hit it off great

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just watched porn on a 60 inch plasma screen TV... So that's where the clitoris is

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(330): View more from Ohio

hot pretzels for dinner, snacks, and now breakfast...oh to be a poor college student...everyday is like a carnival.

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(229): View more from Georgia

You work today? I woke up with a raging boner that was whispering your name

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(818): View more from California

Does buying my brother condoms for Christmas say "keep having sex with her, I like her" or "dear god, do not get this girl pregnant"?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I think you're too young for vagina rejuvenation but I guess you have never been one to listen. Sounds good! You bring the Percocet ill bring the vodka!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We are both federal employees and Obama gave us a four-day weekend to lie in bed. Do you know how many orgasms that will be? I knew there was a reason I voted for this guy.

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(719): View more from Colorado

She asked if i could guess "what shape her carpet was". I got it wrong (christmas tree).

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(330): View more from Ohio

The bar tenders gave me the number for a "taxi"... It's just a dude with a van. In retrospect, pretty sketchy. Robert was cool though.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Also I feel that I would be a hell of a sled dog operator.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just picked up an ounce of keif and if it goes to waste before the world ends I'm gonna haunt the shit out of somebody when we all die.

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(330): View more from Ohio

And then he said he would build me a mountain dew water fountain

(330): View more from Ohio

Marry him now.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I'm at a bar. It's body paint Wednesday. All of the waitresses are topless. Help me

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She was just a sweet cute intern for us until I saw her naked in my bed the day after the Christmas party

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

On the plus side, I got cel phone video of a major fox news host doing coke.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

we hotboxed my bathroom. with nine people and two dogs.

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(310): View more from California

Yeah. I hotboxed a windbreaker.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(513): View more from Ohio

People are stripping in McDonalds. Do I join?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

YES.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Guy hitting on me at bar is guy who's Craigslist ad we laughed at the other night. Not even kidding.

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(705): View more from Ontario

My philosophy professor just told the class that he is suspicious of dolphins. The stoner in front of me totally gets it. I need to start getting high for this class.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

The fact that you're allowing Santa to dry hump your ass is sort of a dealbreaker

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

If you already knew specifically that I was smoking a bowl in my remodeled bathroom AND THEN still wanted to initiate sexting, please proceed to the altar and marry me this instant.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

She was hiding under the bed to surprise me with sex. But when you took your hookup in my room to bang things out, she thought I was cheating on her. So explain it to her douche.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

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(509): View more from Washington

Can I come over? I respect you, but I want disrespectful things to happen

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(627): View more from California

Currently siting in the living room naked, staring at one of the girls across the street in her living room naked. This is like the most intense starting contest of all time.

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(334): View more from Alabama

My roommate has gone Christmas crazy. It looks like Jack Frost came all over my living room. Wanna come fuck me in the fake snow by the fireplace?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg. The news was on TV while I was giving him a bj...when the weatherman said its a beautiful start to December, he groaned and said it sure is.

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(416): View more from Toronto

She was blowing me when her roommate came in and goes "you want me to tap in?"

(1-416): View more from Toronto

You realize once your inheritance is finalized this shit will stop happening right?

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(323): View more from California

Like wrapping my dick in silk, wrapping that in velvet, and putting it in a cloud. A warm, tight, wet cloud.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Hootey the Owl eats a mean pussy.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

Um, OK. WTF?

(410): View more from Maryland

The guy from the Halloween party. We finally hooked up. Went down in me for 45 mins. Came 4 times.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(509): View more from Washington

My landlord showed my apartment to a prospective tenant today and I had my vibrator and gun both chilling on my nightstand

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(410): View more from Maryland

We play beat the clock every morning. When the alarm goes off, she hits snooze and drops her panties. If I can't finish in time to beat the snooze, she jumps in the shower and I've gotta jerk off.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just want to fall into a pit of xannies and eat my way out.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't have to hold her hair back as she blows me but I do have to hold the ball on the Santa hat

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(434): View more from Virginia

My parents don't seem to understand that all I want to do over break is smoke in bed and watch Workaholics.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Want to get drunk and look at an xray of my dick?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have no idea. But I feel like I could climb a mountain and then have sex on it.

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(309): View more from Illinois

well after pounding on the ceiling for 5 mins i just went up there to tell them to shut up.. 2 hours later i'm naked, high, lying on their kitchen floor. it escalated so quickly

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(503): View more from Oregon

Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.

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(830): View more from Texas

I sold him an eighth while trippin balls wearin my girlfriends tutu and tube top. and i was talking about albinos the entire time

(830): View more from Texas

well, he defiantly picked the right guy to buy drugs from

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(714): View more from California

No longer is one of my lifelong dreams to ride in a kangaroo pouch. You have eternally ruined that for me. Thank you.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I thought he was being really sweet and protective when he pulled me away from the guy i was hooking up with, but turns out he just wanted me to get chicken nuggets with him...

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(613): View more from Ontario

The only excuse this guy at the club had for trying to make out with me as soon as I met him was "I AM FROM MEXICOOO"

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(716): View more from New York

I went home with a guy last night because he showed me some magic tricks and kept shouting "THEY'RE ILLUSIONS MICHAEL!"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I sent him a picture of my boobs instead of saying good morning. I'm trying to tell him how I feel in a language he'll understand.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.

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(510): View more from California

I have words... I can't think of them tho. they keep melting together and forming you and I just want to hump it.

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(971): View more from Oregon

He stopped responding after the animal pictures... I do this EVERY TIME.

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(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

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(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I got my little bro high for the first time... Turns out the two of us stoned together is a mess. We spent 10 minutes trying to communicate with each other using just our eyebrows.

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(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

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(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

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(801): View more from Utah

I broke my arm trying to do a hand stand in my shower to wash the hate out of my asshole.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I used to put Bugles on my penis and pretend it was a wizard.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I just sang country roads at the top of my lungs with my cab driver. Tonight was a success.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was like a migrating bird last night. Navigating on pure instinct. Don't remember how... but I made it home.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The window painters skipped us. They didn't know what to do with the giant SMOKE WEED in the window. So they just skipped it.

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(713): View more from Texas

She got the hiccups while deep throating me. It was epic. Once in a lifetime experience.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you 2 were alone in the living room and the dog walked in and you started yelling what are all these people doing in here

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you were making out with a guy that looked like Fat Albert, I kicked you in the vagina but you didn't stop

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well his dad was his wingman, so I had to fuck him. I didnt want his dad to think that he was doing a bad job and I was drunk enough to think he was doing a good job.

(503): View more from Oregon

Score one for dad.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You're putting the star player on the bench. You dont put Michael Jordan on the bench.

(1-601): View more from Mississippi

Are you referring to my vagina as Michael Jordan?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just saw a fat girl roll down the steps taking out three people with her, thought you should know.....

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know it basically makes me the worst feminist ever, but I don't want to kill my own spiders. And I will pay my personal spider hit man with sammiches and unlimited , uninhibited access to my vagina.

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(518): View more from New York

Currently cooking 3lbs of bacon in case the power goes out bc if even one slice of bacon goes to waste then sandy wins

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(907): View more from Alaska

Does taking an old homeless guy to the strip club, buying him lap dances, and calling him pops all night count as a good deed???

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dad says your scarf isnt fooling anyone and u look like a douchebag, its literally the perfect time to tell him your gay

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

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(657): View more from California

He unbuckled his belt, tipped his hat at me, then told me to "saddle up"

(818): View more from California

this is like your 5th cowboy right? where do you keep finding these guys?!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where he learned to eat pussy but I thought I was going blind

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have a surprise for you guys

(937): View more from Ohio

What is it?

(740): View more from Ohio

A MOTHER FUCKING SURPRISE DON'T ASK QUESTIONS

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(513): View more from Ohio

OH AND DAN PET MY CAT WHILE I WAS GIVING HIM HEAD

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(303): View more from Colorado

Ohmygod. I don't know if I can explain how great it'll be. I hope you don't mind Subaru sex

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(706): View more from Georgia

I AM COVERED IN FAKE BLOOD AND REAL CUM. I AM AWESOME

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just sat there and watched paula deen's face melt for an hour.

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(903): View more from Texas

I can't believe you broke a Paula dean wooden spoon over my ass

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(480): View more from Arizona

We were walking up the stairs and I asked Dominick what floor the party was on. The cop who had just tried breaking it up was walking down the stairs, drinking a slurpee, and answered, "Third floor."

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(303): View more from Colorado

He broke the bed, AND shit in the closet. What a way to lose his virginity. What a night.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Haha yeah that's basically it. He was like "i've always had a thing for you, and even sober i still would do and feel the same way." so glad to know i am worthy of a sober hookup as well.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If you don't get head tonight I will castrate you

(303): View more from Colorado

Seriously. Castrate.

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(+61): View more from Australia

So apparently we wrote "Lube Shopping" in Paula's diary on every friday for the rest on the year....

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(513): View more from Ohio

He looks like he's going to feed me a taco and then stab me. It's probably a good idea he's a lawyer

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i have an important question...can you drink in jail?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

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(406): View more from Montana

I've been buying my puppy dildos for chew toys. I can't wait till a girl comes over and my dog is gnawing on a giant black cock

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't understand how we smoked the EXACT same thing and I feel fine but Tim's over here serenading his fifth bowl of fruit loops with Elton John's entire discography.

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(206): View more from Washington

She said I'm so hungry I could eat a dick and winked at me

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(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

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(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

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(813): View more from Florida

People around me are just doing lines of cocaine. Like its no big deal. And I'm just here like.... Y'all want some cheezits?

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(661): View more from California

He turned me into a screamer. Guess I'm really not a lesbian.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He made me cum 4 times, we high fived afterwards and then I proceeded to tell him about this guy I'm dating whilst I made him a bacon sandwich. I think we've finally mastered being friends with benefits.

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(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bro I can't jerk it to my phone anymore. I feel Siri staring back, and she's real disappointed.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Siri just called me GayBoy in front of my family. I will destroy you.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My love will cover her like lulu lemon yoga pants. Casually supportive and always complimenting your Ass.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm paranoid or I swear my parents rigged my house so you can never sneak in or have the munchies without being loud.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He walked into the pizza shop... Pulled the fire alarm.. And proceeded to dance to it...

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(387): View more from

The two girls sitting next to me are asking siri "Like, uh, how do you know my name?". Do I fuck with them or fuck them?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I asked the subway guy how many cookies he thought I could smuggle into the bar. He said it looked like a 6 packer. he was correct

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Oh aight, and i was just going to be content with drinking, beating off and watching ninja turtles

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(313): View more from Michigan

he busted into the room with single cheese slices and started yelling "THROW SOME CHEESE ON THAT BITCH"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I have a vague memory of you tryin to ride a unicycle through jimmy johns

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(519): View more from Ontario

I played ping pong,drunk, with my hand instead of the paddle. And i won. I have hidden talents

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(612): View more from Minnesota

we somehow managed to fit a llama, a stripper pole and a hayride all into the same day.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting with my parents watching football and moaned when I saw his shirtless picture. They looked at me weird so I had to turn the moan into a laugh. A sad, really horny laugh.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It feels like I'm being stabbed in the uterus with a rake. That night was totally worth it though. Thanks.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just got a blowjob from a coed in exchange for saving her an iPhone 5 when I get them in stock. Sometimes it's awesome to be a Verizon employee.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

First funeral I've ever been to where the cops had to come.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Best news of the day: the hot chick at the funeral was NOT related to me... Thank god

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(719): View more from Colorado

We went to IKEA super baked wearing fake mustaches. You?

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(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(386): View more from Florida

And then the lady sheeps would bring me the finest grass to eat cuz im the sheep king and id have sexy smooth sheep fur

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i wish you were under my bed. you sexy russian fur trapper.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

please. text the right number. youve been sending me these all night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(970): View more from Colorado

my dad just told me he wants a furry wall in the house... i'm proud and concerned

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(443): View more from Maryland

so high driving around just saw a woman in a pink shirt chillin riding a horse

(914): View more from New York

so high at work that a 35 year old with his kids handed me visine and winked at me. you win with the horse though

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(702): View more from Nevada

When i tried to give you something that wasn't tequila...like water....you kept saying it was against your religion.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I've always been the spiritual type.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

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(850): View more from Florida

This chic sharing the cab with me just started givin me head. I'll be an extra 5 minutes.

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like refusing a bong hit from michael phelps... You just can't do it

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(317): View more from Indiana

I really like her...she always overpays me for xanax and still feels the need to fuck me to make up for it....

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

why is it impossible to run with a back pack without looking like a giant d-bag?

(410): View more from Maryland

haha... you gave me a great visual of you in high white socks running with a backpack with eye of the tiger playing in the background

(443): View more from Maryland

that only happened once.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(530): View more from California

You screamed, "I am going to fuck this cheeseburger". They all started laughing until you actually started having sex with the cheeseburger.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

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(408): View more from California

um i just went through the in-n-out drive thru and meant to ask for my cheeseburger animal style. turns out what i actually said was, can i get that cheeseburger doggy style? been a rough weekend.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(830): View more from Texas

I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Faking my way through an entire party as a British exchange student. Wish me luck.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(416): View more from Ontario

Thursdays are my worst days

(1-416): View more from Ontario

but now we sippin champagne when we thirstay?

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(904): View more from Florida

nothing says happy new years better than a black eye from shooting yourself with a champagne bottle

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(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

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(541): View more from Oregon

at the resort hottubing with french twins, who brought champange. this should be a postcard.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(914): View more from New York

Have you ever had champagne poured on you during sex? It was like a rap video

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just tried on my "outfit" for tonight and I should just wear sweatpants and a sign on my face that says I like it in the ass. That would be more comfortable

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(503): View more from Oregon

drunk freshman in the bathroom puking keeps saying "i'm a peasant" over and over

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

it was like getting a handjob from mrs. butterworth

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(818): View more from California

two words...techno handjob

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(705): View more from Ontario

it felt like the flash was giving me a handjob

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

His facebook says he is a fan of "underwater handjobs"

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Some random slut told me I was a good dancer then gave me a handjob. I felt like fucking John Travolta.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just remembered how awesome your handjobs were in 7th grade, you were a true champ, thank you

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(210): View more from Texas

I thanked her for the handjob she gave me in the middle of the night. She had no idea what i was talking about. I think she sleep-jerked-me-off. Im def sleeping over tonight too

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(914): View more from New York

How do I tell my Dad that in the picture he has of me and my brother as the background of his phone we were both rolling face on ecstasy?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for coming to the hospital with me, In return, I will buy you ecstasy.

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(301): View more from Maryland

His tongue was like Jesus himself was blessing my boobs for eternal ecstasy.

(1-301): View more from Maryland

I'm not so sure Jesus approves of such activities, but ok.

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(818): View more from California

I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.

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(480): View more from Arizona

p.s. this guy just tipped me with ecstasy pills. is this real life

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(406): View more from Montana

He's so hot and there's so much R Kelly and vodka I think I might die.

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(616): View more from Michigan

he just sat there, in the doorway of my dorm room, chuggin a fifth like nobodys buisness.. don't know whether to fuck him or be afraid of his confidence

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He purred while eating me out. HE PURRED AND I LIKED IT.

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(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?

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(319): View more from Iowa

You pretended to pelvic thrust my mother on the boat while my 92 year old grandmother looked on. Thanks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He took a girl home tonight that he was trying to sell a fridge to. She wanted a fridge and got his dick. He's got a talent.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Can we go out and do something semi fancy soon? I feel like wearing a dress and pretending to be an adult.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

We should hook up after this. Laugh or look horrified to say yes.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I never want to hear the words 'my therapist says . . . ' while naked again.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(936): View more from Texas

what do kids with lesbian moms do for father's day? like do you talk about it? is it awkward? do you get the butchy mom a card?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just found out that my father was a Human condom for halloween when I was 4. And to think I used to wonder where my sense of humor came from.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

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(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

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(903): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I left lotion and my bra in your car. I've secured your fathers belief that your straight. You can thank me later

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(435): View more from Utah

Her gag reflex was as absent as a father figure must have been in her childhood

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(845): View more from New York

Do you have any pics of the gummy penis incident?

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(954): View more from Florida

I was talking about you wanting my dick, but that works too

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(631): View more from New York

I'm gonna give him birthday punches. On the dick. With my mouth.

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(914): View more from New York

He told me to come in and have some water before I drove home, my vagina didn't stand a chance escaping. We didn't even make it to the kitchen.

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(762): View more from Georgia

Do you think the new Crest Whitestrips Advance Seal would stay on while I give him head? It would be great to knock out 2 things at once...

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(805): View more from California

Idk man I'm just a giant talking marshmallow ready to be toasted and dipped in chocolate

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(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Lol okay. He's gonna show up with like a trunk of sex toys. He's like the mary poppins of hotel fucking.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...

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(313): View more from Michigan

They sat at the bar while we waited for a table. When the hostess came to seat us, they were shitfaced, and swordfighting wth chop sticks.

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(424): View more from California

he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

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(480): View more from Arizona

I only broke up with her because the ex sex is amazing. She will do ANYTHING if i even hint at getting back together

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(302): View more from Delaware

Oh I love our desires, it's riding my bike at 2 AM with a massive erection that I dislike.

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(323): View more from California

He wore nothing but a Speedo and a tie to the party. It was great. Everyone was looking at him like "this kid's the best"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You were stoned out of your mind. We were eating cold cuts and you wouldn't shut up about how it was the wettest meat you'd ever felt in your life.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just checked my voicemails on the work phone on speaker. Thank you so much for the one of you screaming "COME FUCK ME NOWWWW!" my boss loved it ..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I already googled the effects of Molly with my antibiotics, I should be fine.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Why is there even a knowledge base for that?!

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(256): View more from Alabama

Apparently riding the dog like its a small horse is frowned upon in this establishment

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(714): View more from California

Cops said there's a crazy dude with a mask in my neighborhood. Don't get stabbed.

(1-714): View more from California

If he was naked that was me.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What did you even date her?

(214): View more from Texas

because emotionally unstable girls are great in bed.

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(316): View more from Kansas

when I picked him up he smelled like cheeseburgers, had a bite mark around his left nipple and we think someone stabbed him in the forehead with a pencil... it was like the Hangover meets Texas Chainsaw Massacre

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You took my underwater blowjob virginity.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Hey will pizza rolls help if you accidentally get a diabetic chihuahua drunk?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I though us hooking up in the field was your way of saying you were an outdoors person

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(650): View more from California

Fucking her was like skydiving commando in a flightsuit made of kittens

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(516): View more from New York

The gay is strong with you! You're more concerned about my outfit than my safety.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Hey, please tell me that you and dad are having actual steaks tonight and I did not just get sexted by my dad

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Plus, I've always wanted to drive in rush hour with a huge cock drawn on my hood

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well it's official... The first guy I ever gave head to now holds 2 world records. Should I text him asking if I can try and break my record?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

NO. ANAL IS NOT A GAME.

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(325): View more from Texas

We met a guy named Raymond. You called him ramen all might and told him you would eat him up, "like sex, on a budget."

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just saw you in traffic. You may have noticed me, I was the corpse driving the white car.

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(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I dunno if we should get high tonight man. its daylight savings. time travel is just too much for me right now.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just high-fived this girl after she swallowed.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(419): View more from Ohio

He seemed like a really nice guy. He tried to dry my shirt because someone spilled their drink on me. I think that's how I ended up topless on his dryer.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off

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(740): View more from Ohio

Am I allowed to say that I would really enjoy blowing you again? Or does that fall into the "nothing changes between us" catagory?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(408): View more from California

Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise

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(515): View more from Iowa

At orientation, some girl is asking, loudly, where she can get weed. Everyone looks discussed but are paying very close attention to people's answers.

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(310): View more from California

Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship

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(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I think your dick broke my retainer, I normally wouldnt care but my orthodontist died and I don't want my first appt to be blow job broken retainer with a new ortho.

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(518): View more from New York

hot boxing the bathroom at chili's. where the fuck are you, it's too big of a box for just one person.

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(914): View more from New York

The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off

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(512): View more from Texas

While eating post sex burritos I dripped taco bell sauce on my boob. He licked it off and asked why I hadn't thought of that before.

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(903): View more from Texas

We woke up in the room with a hamburger patty on the bed side table, one bun across the room, and the other bun under my pillow. Still don't know who ordered room service.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just sharpening my eyeliner with a butterfly knife. You know. Typical weekday morning.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

From now on I forbid you to refer to it as a "bed". From now on you must only use the phrase "sex wagon".

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(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

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(760): View more from California

This is going to be one of those "I can only do this high" classes

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He saw my tits then looked up and yelled thank you jesus as loud as he could

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I fucked her to her "thinking of him" playlist. Sucks to be that guy haha

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just once id like a girl to say to me in the dracula voice, i want...to suck...your dick...

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(716): View more from New York

it's like sucking your thumb. only its not yours. and its a penis.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

After doing lines off my chest, she said, "do you even know how fast I could suck your cock right now?!!" and her friend said, "yea she totally could".

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(845): View more from New York

just heard a swedish guy suck in helium and speak in his accent. top 5 favorite moments. ever.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he said i'm too pretty to suck penis

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

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(305): View more from Florida

Wasted on the beach. There's children everywhere. A six year old girl even stood over me with her hands on her waist looking down on me as I was passing out by the water

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(248): View more from Michigan

The neighborhood kids rang the doorbell in the middle of my first bong rip to ask if they could use my trampoline for the thirtieth time today...I opened the door and pretended to puke up a shitload of smoke, I have never seen a more terrified group of children

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I just discovered how perfect a shot glass is for putting your chicken nugget dipping sauces into. Like I'll probably do this when I'm a mother feeding my children.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm making tacos. Give me one good reason why we shouldn't be high while eating those tacos.

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(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(951): View more from California

There's a girl n class drinking wine out of a taco bell cup. I can smell it.. it's totally reisling. JEALOUS.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk, high, and in a taco costume. Wish you were here.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(217): View more from Illinois

Awkward moment: seeing and saying hey to the MILF you're sleeping with while shopping with your mother and sister.

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(734): View more from Michigan

We're using joints as your birthday candles

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I even got my dealer to make gluten free special cookies ;-)

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(407): View more from Florida

If you're asking how many times you took off your clothes and played with the tiki torches.....the answer is 3.

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(512): View more from Texas

I was seriously concerned she had died since she wasn't moving at all, but then I asked here where she was last night and her response was to hip thrust the air.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Heb just said, and I quote, "let's go to Who's On Third and fuck a fishbowl with our mouths. I am going to fuck this van." and then he humped a van.

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(913): View more from Kansas

He drunk dialed me at 2am asking if he could put a baby in me.

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(443): View more from Maryland

You know where a good place to spend summer is? In your head. High as shit. It doesn't matter where you are.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Operation "Inform her family she stars in a sadistic lesbian porn film" is in full effect. She picked the wrong guy to cheat on.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Will the fact that I have 4 boob hickies add to or take away from tonight's outfit?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Wtf are freshmen gonna think when the first thing they see in a pale 6'4 white kid with a mustache yelling ya man and we be liming in a Trinidadian accent

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(201): View more from New Jersey

yeah we're mixing orange juice, vodka, and rum and calling it Oj Simpson On Trial

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(586): View more from Michigan

Am I really in your phone as Asshole Jesus??

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(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to empty my bank account and roll around in the cash. Want to join?

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(714): View more from California

Having a midget officiate your wedding because you think it'd be hilarious: good idea or potential lawsuit?

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(647): View more from Ontario

You were face down in the punch bowl, humming the theme to jaws

(416): View more from Toronto

That explains the stains on my shirt

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

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(347): View more from New York

She said "I've been waiting to suck your cock since high school." I'm so glad so many freshmen are from our school.

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(816): View more from Missouri

yeah...that's gonna come up in court

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll answer your question with a question: Are you gonna be too high?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Walking into the first day of college is like walking into a meat market. A meat market of sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

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(209): View more from California

I'm pretty sure my liver died in Reno and my intestines are doing hula hoops around my asshole. The bachelor party was that good.

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(712): View more from Iowa

On a toatally unrelated note, I see music in my hair

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Slip and slide hallway was not one of my better ideas.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No. More. Tequila. Even the hot dog guy felt bad for me and you know that guy has seen some crazy shit.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(440): View more from Ohio

my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And I can say one thing, I look pretty good in high wasted pants. I don't know if that helps. But I do. God I'm high.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

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(88): View more from

As his dick went in he shouted GOAL at the top of his voice.

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I think the fact that my first kiss is now in a porno says a lot about why my life is the way it is

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm this close to masturbating to his profile pics from 2006

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(614): View more from Ohio

You kept saying,"there's a seahorse in my stomach, who's trying escape". This was after the curtains attacked you.

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(443): View more from Maryland

If I can't pick up a cat lady, I probably need to turn to Internet dating.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pretty sure my lung is caught on my rib. And I can't feel the left side of my face. Best. Sex. Ever.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

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(317): View more from Indiana

The fact that I'm going to be living with you is starting to make me worry about my heatlh.

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Ya that ship has sailed dude

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(785): View more from Kansas

This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game

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(661): View more from California

Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room

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(269): View more from Michigan

I think my mom knows im high. It could be because im slow dancing with my cat in the kitchen. The dip and kiss is what gave it away.

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(585): View more from New York

Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.

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(213): View more from California

Found a grenade pin. Still no Dave.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I guess I could probably fit that in between deep self reflection and teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(615): View more from Tennessee

. Drop what your doing. Were going to Knoxville for midget wrestling. It's the championship.we can NOT miss this.

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(212): View more from New York

She's cute, but batshit. Like some kind of dominatrix disney princess.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Ice that vagina down, get some coffee, and try not to walk with a limp. It's time to dominate, pull it together

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(516): View more from New York

Let's be honest. I make up for my well below average sized penis with a great personality and a possibly successful future

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(541): View more from Oregon

Nope if you can't be there for me emotionally, then my vagina can't be there for you physically. That's my rule.

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(760): View more from California

Well I sent him a pic of my vagina and sent back a pic of his puppy....so there's that

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(404): View more from Georgia

Remember when there was a happier time when people could all hang out together with out the awkwardness of the fact that she stole $1000 and cheated on a brother with another brother !?!??

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(309): View more from Illinois

Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

An old lady WILL get vomited on today.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When you sober up and come in here, I'm in your bed because you pissed on me in mine. So fuck. Off.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's just done the monthly not prego dance around our kitchen

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(775): View more from Nevada

"Wait, who's gun did I have?" Moments when you re-examine your life choices.

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(310): View more from California

So I thought the party was crazy before his pinky came off...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I was having the most awesome dream about onion rings and you hit me and told me to stop touching you...WTF?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

before the moonshine you were already braiding the bouncers beard -_-

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(716): View more from New York

She told me she was eating frosting, then I got the weirdest boner ever

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(207): View more from Maine

When he wears his hair down and sandals, he looks like Jesus. A Jesus I would fuck.

(1-207): View more from Maine

That's not what Jesus is for

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(231): View more from Michigan

It feels like you stuck your dick in a fire and then branded the inside of me.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop ravaging the freshman dorm like a virginity-snatching dragon.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Some daaay... Bet your bottom dollar that some daaay you'll do that mollyyyy

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(562): View more from California

Like her Facebook page isn't even hers. It belongs to her tits. It's Titsbook

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(205): View more from Alabama

WHY DO I WANT TO FUCK EVERY GUY THAT BREATHES

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(209): View more from California

Hey have you ever thought about fishing cause I'd like to go fishing but don't know anyone that fishes and I'm gonna cry because. FISHING

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(602): View more from Arizona

But mostly the blowjob in the airport bathroom was what I was laughing at.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

she visited to give me a bj between clients. Social work at its finest.

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(509): View more from Washington

Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So I come home yesterday and my brother is like "watch this" and it turns out he's been retraining my dog to come running when u say "anal"

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(702): View more from Nevada

Where did this racoon skin hat, stop sign and bag full of tacos come from?

(702): View more from Nevada

Narnia or $5 pitcher night either way

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I woke up and found a doughnut on our front porch. It's not sketchy though. More like a gift from the gods.

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(807): View more from Ontario

The girls danced. I drank. Then I danced cause I was drunk. Then I ripped tim's shirt off cause I'm awesome.

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(205): View more from Alabama

All I've had today is a brownie and a shot of Jack, so you know. I'm doing ok.

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(858): View more from California

in retrospect, sexting while high was a mistake - I meant to say "I'll fuck you stupid, baby" but of course I said "I'll fuck your stupid baby"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

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(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

MTV running anti-sexting commercials is a slap in the face to everything our generation has accomplished.

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(352): View more from Florida

homeboy just tried to sext with me at 8:30 in the morning while I was on a job interview...

(1-352): View more from Florida

so you did it...

(352): View more from Florida

obv...but still...it was inconsiderate.

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(904): View more from Florida

sexting on a treadmill. speed 9.0 beat that slut!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(562): View more from California

In a tragic sexting typo, I typed the word "blobjob". Now she's coming over and I have no idea what I'm in for...

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(248): View more from Michigan

We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.

(440): View more from Ohio

I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.

(248): View more from Michigan

Playoffs. This shit is serious.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(972): View more from Texas

she gave me one of her senior pics and told me specifically to give it to you. In other words she still wants to suck your dick.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Just showed mom and dad the pics from San Francisco, while i played the Full House theme song in the background.

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(845): View more from New York

that's the nicest way anyone's ever asked me to send them naked pics before...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

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(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm so in the Halloween spirit, I zombified my all of my nudes on my phone. Tell me this isn't creative.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i said send nudes i get bra and panties. thats not what i fucking asked for.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

i dont think the girl sending me nudes is qualified to pass judgement on me

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm responsible for my client's overall well-being. Which is terrifying coming from someone that can't stop masturbating and eats leftover pizza just about everyday.

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(561): View more from Florida

The shit I just took was my body's way of telling me bourbon and mixed nuts aren't an appropriate dinner. Well played, colon. WELL. PLAYED.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Thank you for holding my vodka while the police let me ride their horse.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I woke up to them arguing over who would get my morning wood. Oh, and I was dressed as Santa.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(214): View more from Texas

he took off my shirt and said 'oh my god the legends are true'

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

i'm ready for this baby to gtfo so i can get coked out.

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(407): View more from Florida

my girls lil sis wanted to play hide & seek. she told her 2 go hide. we went to the room and had sex. she was hiding under the bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

my little brother just caught me blowing my step cousin in the lobby bathroom at our family reunion

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sunrise bitch. You owe me waffles

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(305): View more from Florida

Definitely worth waiting her kid to got to sleep when the first thing you hear once she's back is "I want you in my ass right now"

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(303): View more from Colorado

You can glorify being single all you want but relationships are awesome. I haven't gone more than 24 hours without sex since June.

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(410): View more from Maryland

That birthday blow job you ordered came in the mail today. I suggest you hurry home.

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(714): View more from California

Fuck my life, there's a fry in my vagina.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Want to know what makes for a better story than treehouse sex? Getting busted during treehouse sex

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

my friend thinks you're hot & wants to fuck you ps i'm my friend

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

He left the bathroom door open so i would hear him masturbate in the shower to make me feel guilty for not putting out but it just turned me on cause i like guys masturbating. weird?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(207): View more from Maine

Who the fuck superglued glowsticks to my arm.

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(207): View more from Maine

Whatever. I just smoked another bowl so I don't care and wow I just noticed how fast my thumb moves when I text. I'm amazing.

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(941): View more from Florida

He took the Gold in Olympic clit licking last night. Canada should be proud.

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(248): View more from Michigan

So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Whoever owns the butter that i always steal out of the office fridge definitely put THC butter in there this time. Shit just got real.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

My hair is short now so it will be easier to give you alot more blow jobs

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to take this text and frame it on my mantle

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(951): View more from California

You threw my heel at her from across the street... And hit her in the back of the head so hard she face planted into the street. I need more friends like you.

(1-951): View more from California

This is the first time I'm hearing this information.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

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(206): View more from Washington

he ate me out like 4 times and told me that my vagina "was too much fun".

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He gave me four orgasms and I kept yelling "Thank you!" and he kept replying, "My pleasure!"

(406): View more from Montana

Midwestern nice.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

It's just one of those days where I'm too horny to function, to be perfectly honest.

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(708): View more from Illinois

i think she just faxed a picture of her vag from the office copy machine... i mean what kind of sexting is that... wait is that even legal???

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He's worked out some sort of arangment where all three of them are dating each other and they've all moved into an apt. with two king beds pushed together

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

A true beacon of hope in these dark times

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(909): View more from California

It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her thanks so much

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(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(529): View more from

Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(469): View more from Texas

Found plan b box covered with blood. In kitchen sick. Pickle jar is empty. Wtf happened?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

No. I want him to marry me so we can spend our lives together. I also want a to-scale model of his genitals to mount above my fireplace

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It sounds like heaven mixed with world peace and orgasms. The acoustics in this car are awesome. Or it's the weed idk either way it's great

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(315): View more from New York

Just successfully went through airport security with shrooms. It's gonna be a fucking awesome new years

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with no pants, someone elses shirt, but my new years crown still on. That is dedication.

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(209): View more from California

Wow just saw this. Nothing like a little anal sex to ring in 2012.

(209): View more from California

And now she's hand feeding me pork rines and showing me her angry birds high scores. This is Vegas.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just tried to pick my 105-lb puppy up and accidentally fingered its asshole

(425): View more from Washington

There are some things we keep to ourselves Brian

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think if it were a part of everyone's daily routine, the world would be happier. International Finger Yourself While Bathing Day.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

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(631): View more from New York

i just fingered the ice cream at home instead of getting a spoon

(1-631): View more from New York

been there done that

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Sorry I had passed out by this time I think, with the chicken fingers ON my face in my bed, with all the lights on, and ketchup all over.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

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(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

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(631): View more from New York

yes, i was eatting raw cookie dough and fingering myself at the same time.... is there a problem?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

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(609): View more from New Jersey

girl is pretty boring. i'm gonna see if she'll let me finger her.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Should I tell Kevin that my finger was in his sister's ass last night?

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(315): View more from New York

You even been so high breaking up weed with your fingers feels like surgery?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He's getting better. i'm using GuitarHero to teach him how to finger me. My clit = the red tab.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(703): View more from Virginia

So for two years my friend Mark has been building a catapult in his basement. Yesterday he realized it's too big to get it out.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

You need to give me a reason immediately why he is your friend.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chillin with my Grandpa and my grandma tells us there is a tornado warning. My grandpa then says "We'll go hang out in the basement, we can bring the keg with us." This is why I love coming home

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm eating the rest of the Xmas shrooms and welcoming 2012 by communing with the pine cone.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had to stop you from eating moldy cake.. twice.

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(845): View more from New York

no, there's no challenge. I live a humble lifestyle out of virtue.

(516): View more from New York

You wear Armani Exchange.

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(817): View more from Texas

what the fuck were we smoking when we had a conversation about how my brother would be so proud if i fucked an orange alien?!?

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(310): View more from California

I have one brief flash of having his dick in my hand. that's all I remember.

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(518): View more from New York

You should make cookies and when I get home we can have a slow motion hug and eat them

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I CAME AT YOU WITH RAW FEELING

(617): View more from Massachusetts

you grabbed my dick through my pants and hissed at me.

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(530): View more from California

It looks like someone bombed the living room with his and your clothes, bra, packing peanuts, nerf gun and ammo, rc helicopter, leftover chinese food and a leather paddle.

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You and Eric are like slutty bowling balls, and that poor family are the pins. They won't know what hit em.

(423): View more from Tennessee

strike, motherfucker.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(281): View more from Texas

Don't worry. I told him just because you've gargled some balls in the past doesn't mean you'll be handling his.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I really wanted that to be shared. Thank you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I would not be 19 again if you paid me. Guess who found naked pictures of themselves? Fuck cocaine

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Sorry I didn't take you making out with him all night as a hint you wanted nothing to do with him...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Apparently, Mom was less-than-happy about us shotgunning beers before we opened presents.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

i was drinking at the bar last night with a guy with no bottom teeth, wearing zubas and a polka dotted hat. if that isn't the definition of wisconsin, i dont know what is

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Reading my bank statement stoned makes me feel like an adult.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I've never felt so epic in my entire life as I do right now, my bare testicles staring down the ocean itself

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(813): View more from Florida

For the amount of money I just spent on my dogs toe, I could have fucked the entire B squad at a low end strip club.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, I don't think Michelle is a squirter. And if I've had anal sex, the Obamas have.

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I said I usually like going out for coffee before torturing someone's genitals. He said he understood.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(650): View more from California

how did we ever eat at restaurants where they DIDNT squirt-gun tequila in our mouths?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I checked into jail on foursquare

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(786): View more from Florida

She checked into foursquare right as she left work so he would think she was there late and not on some other guy's dick

(305): View more from Florida

I have to say for barely passing high school, that girl is a genius.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just assessed the damage in the bath. Two love bites. One bruise on the inner thigh. Strange awareness of what i'm assuming is my cervix. I've definitely missed you. x

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

ok, his religious views on facebook are madonna lyrics. we no longer have to wonder about his sexuality.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Fuck. sleeping in my sisters room again I heard zombie noises outside my window

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(916): View more from California

I'm really into asian looking animals

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

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(212): View more from New York

??? When I first met her at the bar, she told me she was 23. After I bought her 3 shots of tequila, she told me she was really only 21. When we went back to my house, she said she was really only 19. She's still sleeping next to me butt naked. I'm afraid if she opens her mouth again I could be looking at 10 years.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

There's strippers and bear every where so ether you gave me the wrong address or this is the coolest birthday party thrown for a seven year old ever.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(432): View more from Texas

There're making snowcones with the leftover vodka from last night. This is not the time to be making up excuses!

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(216): View more from Ohio

Is it weird that I have contacts who i've classified as DO NOT ANSWER?

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Lol no its called college

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(518): View more from New York

I don't want to hear about you making out with a high schooler. I just had the best sex of my life. My face and arms went numb in the middle of it.

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(415): View more from California

Ian has mac and cheese all in his bed/on the wall. Either you did it or he fell asleep with a bowl in his hand and spasmed in his sleep.

(503): View more from Oregon

Cooked or uncooked?

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(415): View more from California

Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(415): View more from California

I have before 2 am pics and after 2am pics, which do you want to see first?

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(415): View more from California

Lost my virginity in a banana suit. Glad I waited.

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(415): View more from California

So stoned I forgot I was masturbating and went to go get a cookie.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(415): View more from California

There's a high school volleyball camp on campus this summer. I'm definitely going to jail.

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(303): View more from Colorado

theres pictures of him knuckle deep in her, both of them thumbs up and cheesin. someone should take her kid away

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she offered me iced tea and went to go change.then her dad came in the door.i thought i was on how to catch a predator.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Your tits are I can't wait for

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(914): View more from New York

She challenged me to a game of rock-paper-scissors for her virginity. I love this girl.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You kept hiding marshmallows in the freezer saying "they would never think to look here"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

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(620): View more from Kansas

And I'm not sure if that's how you pluralize penis. Never planned on needing to know that in my life.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she was stuffing dove chocolates in my mouth while giving me a blow job. GOD I LOVE VALENTINES DAY

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(646): View more from New York

They are literally fucking next to the DJ Booth to a techno Remix to Pacman. She is going waka waka waka. WHY ARE YOU NOT HERE FOR THIS?!

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(219): View more from Indiana

I am not going to ask my mother to pause a movie so I can have phone sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was riding her and she yelled "fuck me" then someone in the room next door yelled "you don't have to say it if youre doing it."

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(614): View more from Ohio

He gave me an orgasm before we even reached 2nd base, everything he did in high school is irrelevant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can we have a celebratory fuck now that the lockout is over?

(312): View more from Illinois

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(714): View more from California

Yes, but it's not new to me. It's like every time a new guy finds out I'm a squirter it's a novelty so they make me squirt and squirt and squirt until their bed is completely soaked. And then afterwards they complain that there isn't a dry bit to sleep on. No shit Sherlock.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(562): View more from California

guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Were making Christian mingle accounts. First one to get laid doesn't pay bar tabs for a month.

(662): View more from Mississippi

Challenge accepted. See you in hell.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey history final, how's it feel to be raped in the ass by my steel cock of ACADEMIC PERFECTION?

(410): View more from Maryland

you are way too vulgar to be a girl

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(563): View more from Iowa

I scrubbed the bathroom, smoked a bowl, and gave myself 3 orgasms. If the world ends today, I feel accomplished.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

is it wrong that i plan on stealing a few pipecleaners from my preschool classroom to clean my bowl?

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(949): View more from California

I just smoked a bowl while riding a horse. This has been a productive vacation.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Smoked a bowl on a rollercoaster. Literally ON. Beat that.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(231): View more from Michigan

My dad got me a charm braclet....his way of trying to support my gayness....

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm walking home wearing Kermit the frog footie pajamas, carrying a monogrammed shot glass set with my name on it. It's fucking Christmas!

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just found a tail you can wear naked. Via a butt plug. Who ever said the internet was a good thing?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Awkward family moment #1: walked in on my 15 yr old nephew packing a bowl. Nephew says- "lets not ruin christmas and keep this our little secret"

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

nothing like a cross blunt to celebrate the birth of our savior

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it true that cum stays in you for 7 years?

(815): View more from Illinois

that's gum

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(818): View more from California

His whole family saw that I had cum in my hair once they turned on the blacklight at the bowling alley. You should have seen his mother's face.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Don't worry I'll hold the wheel while you cum

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(949): View more from California

Announcement: Given the sad circumstances regarding the death of my dearest friend Chong the Bong, there will be a brief memorial service for him tomorrow evening at 10:30 at my place. After sharing some memories and sending his spirit off to the great bowl in the sky, we will all take place in the commemoration and maiden voyage of his son, Chong Squared, who eagerly waits to meet all of you. High blessings to you all, piece be with you.

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(925): View more from California

Its so akward after he cums on my face. like usually the porn just ends

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(917): View more from New York City

under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She asked me to cum on her. ON her. I think we're out of the friend zone

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(620): View more from Kansas

How do you get a cum stain out of a trampoline?

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(720): View more from Colorado

He made me cum so much, I almost let him spend the night. The operative word being "almost".

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(858): View more from California

I just finished washing your number off of my chest. I'm Bryan by the way.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

that's the type of pussy you go to the bathroom and wack off before you fuck her, just to last longer inside of her!

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I feel kinda awkward using the Sesame Street themed Google to search for hot young pussy...

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(214): View more from Texas

I love college. Only here at ten in the morning can you hear "Man, hot sauce on my pussy was my worst idea in a long time." while walking down the hall.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I've had enough of this chick, she wanted to cuddle after giving me a handjob. I feel like I'm in junior high

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Why are handjobs necessary in class?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she would only give me a road handjob because she didnt want to unbuckle

(612): View more from Minnesota

safety first

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(386): View more from Florida

I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.

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(214): View more from Texas

It was pretty bad. Like cum-on-my-face-while-singing-Let-It-Snow bad.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Happiness is the polar opposite of catching your dad watching holiday themed porn

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(941): View more from Florida

Theres a midget tsa agent. Just an observation

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(417): View more from Missouri

I dont care if your mom convinced you it should be an abstinent christmas. I did horribly on finals and i'm out of booze, so you will get over her and FUCK. ME. NOW.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone just told me I could double date with them and their dog as my date. This is why the suicide rates are so high at the holidays.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Where would I incorporate "your boyfriend fucked the shit out of me last night" before or after Merry Christmas bitch?

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(951): View more from California

She's all pretty and bubbly and nice and I'm sitting here stoned looking like Lucifer.

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(714): View more from California

We're having a serious conversation and I just responded to something he said with an emoticon. I am so baked.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just did a drug deal on the toy aisle at walmart, Merry Christmas

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(713): View more from Texas

We're drinking vodka. Wine is for people who have to wake up in the morning.

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(917): View more from New York City

Amazing how you can get from "Merry Christmas" to sex in three texts.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

I could have done it in 2

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(410): View more from Maryland

Shoot me. I need tickles, a drink, sushi and a handy

(410): View more from Maryland

Order is debatable

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was drinking wine out of a pyrex measuring cup at two in the afternoon and told me my ass looked fantastic in my sweatpants. I love university

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He gave me a trycicle he stole from a kid as an "offering" to have sex. I couldnt say no when he went through all that.

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(714): View more from California

There's a questionable stain on Harley's bed...would they have sex on a dog bed?

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(305): View more from Florida

Apparently she saw two women get in a slapping match over a comforter at target yesterday. She said it was awesome. Clearly I take after her.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I wana party with Kermit the frog, no wait. Fozzy the bear. He's probably a silly bitch when he's drunk.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(847): View more from Illinois

stayed up until 6am doing my presentation on buddhist art and the practice of chanting. took shots. did drugs. the powerpoint now includes a sesame street style game (with chicken/puppy clip art), an xzibit music video (and quotes about section eight and eating steaks), and a reference to a german metal band (universe). this is going to be the best presentation ever

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(804): View more from Virginia

What do you mean how did you end up there? You told him he had a face you'd like to ride, that's a deal sealer in any language.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is the most scared i've been of my hands since i did shrooms.

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(574): View more from Indiana

should i go to class, or party with a mariachi band?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

meriachi band is very tempting, do they have dos equis?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I have a question: does pizza dipped in chili sound good or am I just really high?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Had to crawl to the kitchen this morning cuz I was too hung over but really wanted fruity pebbles. yes. I ate fruity pebbles on the kitchen floor.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I dated that bitch for 9 months and didnt get as much as a hand job. I met her sister last night for the first time and smashed that...twice

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

I respect that

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(205): View more from Alabama

woke up this morning wit a massive hangover. walked to my truck and found at least 35 for sale signs, a stop sign, and a julie kim sign...need answers

(1-205): View more from Alabama

yea, you decided to become a real estate agent last night on the way home from the party. You started bitchin about how Julie Kim was stealing all your buisness....

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know, but the way you were flopping around and gurgling made me scared that you were actually drowning in the carpet.

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(212): View more from New York

Woke up naked on my floor covered in cookies. We should celebrate fake hurricanes every weekend.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

To celebrate your birthday last night, I got drunk and sang drift away in buffalo wild wings. Happy birthday. The entire bar sang the chorus with me. It was magical.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(812): View more from Indiana

i don't think you understand, blowjobs are like flowers for guys.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just had a girl agree to give me a blowjob in exchange for wearing my jacket during class. Talk about successful negotiations. Best day of my life

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think I have but I might've died. If I have then come get me, I'm in the flower bed. And still game.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

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(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

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(914): View more from New York

I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(646): View more from New York

Hey, hey, hey, hey. This is a hurriCAN.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can get orange kush...

(586): View more from Michigan

GET IT NOW! WHY IS THERE A DOT DOT DOT?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

She said she had a thing for dinosaurs. Come get me now

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

New word for getting laid so we don't sound like whores in public when we are talking about it : stamp the passport

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She woke me up, whispered "I like the size of your dick", kissed me, and rolled over and went back to sleep

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(541): View more from Oregon

I am about to get in a knife fight over a corn dog.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Just told my mom sparks is a health drink. Officially getting hammered on the way to the beach.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck dude i blacked out on a tuesday. what am i doing with my life?

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Winning.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(818): View more from California

actually, I'm a sock model

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(970): View more from Colorado

at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

There is soup leaking out of my nose nothing in life has prepared me for this moment

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and then you looked me right in the eyes and said "i just really wanna pet some horses right now"

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(818): View more from California

don't worry, i have a range rover and a brother hopped up on steroids.. we can solve this little misunderstanding quite easily.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

sometimes I tug on my anal hairs for pleasure

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

you've officially gone too far. we are no longer friends

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The main two things I remember from last night is you "spanking Katey into reality" and watching her barf in terror.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I'm sorry I ignored your high cries for help while you were grating cheese on my dog.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(310): View more from California

The yard is growling at me WHAT DID U GIVE ME?

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(704): View more from North Carolina

We named our party play list daddy issues

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Tough to say exactly how to play this. I just know people don't like surprises when genitals are involved.

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(573): View more from Missouri

you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just woke up from a dream where you lived in a gingerbread house on a snowy cliff by the sea. The dolphins were swimming away from a giant dust storm. You REALLY ought to smoke this before bed tonight.

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(813): View more from Florida

Sun* burn. But that sounds like wait.. Midsentence thought... It would be like swimming in a giant bowl of cereal.. Only I would be cereal. This is brilliant.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I wish I could walk around this campus with a big stamp that says "Approved" and just stamp girls asses as they pass.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I'm having sex on a snuggie, yes i stopped to text you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Take this only to mean that we love you, but we're having a serious, half-hour, hypothetical discussion about how far we think we could throw you.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

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(469): View more from Texas

She wrote me a poem titled "Penis Flower" and it wasnt a joke

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Definitely Got caught hugging a strangers tree last night with 5 others.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(631): View more from New York

youre just mad because i have donuts and im beautiful

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(314): View more from Missouri

just smoked a bowl with my history teacher. i love community college

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nicole wore just a belt and her pedometer and hopped on top of me last night. She "walked" 822 steps before we finished.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

New charity walk idea!

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes you just need a break, and sometimes you also need to get stoned on these breaks. I sound like some kind of fucked up mr rogers when I say shit like that.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I was topless in his bathroom sink taking bong rips , goodmorning . He told me he could get use to this

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(917): View more from New York City

There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Yeah he's definitely gonna feel that one when he wakes up. I beat the shit out of him with that broom handle.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Just came out of my room at 8 AM to find 2 pounds of raw hamburger and a half eaten cake strewn across the hallway. And I'm not surprised at all.

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(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(631): View more from New York

our school mascot just walked into class and threw condoms everywhere. welcome to college

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

drugs are my only escape from this reality. good thing I got it at a discount price last night

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just remembered Dan asking me all polite in the middle of sex "do you mind if I get behind you?" that was the most polite way I've been asked to do it doggy style

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(917): View more from New York City

How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just witnessed a bar fight started by a guy wearing a construction vest cuz he didn't like the other guys shirt

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(850): View more from Florida

They got a 10 foot tall beach ball from the roof of a McDonalds. Get the fuck over here.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom would probably be ok with my lifestyle as long as she doesn't see that photo of me doing bong rips in a Jesus costume.

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(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw an old lady vomit in a trash can at the airport. I instinctively called her a pussy. College has ruined us.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(206): View more from Washington

Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.

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(619): View more from California

Dry humping a girl for an hour and then jizzing in your pants doesn't count as losing it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo

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(561): View more from Florida

Ryab! Make hr wtop. Mshe make sme speee. I don want to pee. I want sev. He was so igbad. Redpo.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Look, I said I'm sorry. In the shower, "are you happy to see me" sounded just like "could you please pee on me". Honest mistake.

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(801): View more from Utah

Of course he did. He is like the oprah winfrey for vaginas. Always giving that shit away.

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(816): View more from Missouri

You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found a peacock feather in my car. Should I be the least bit concerned about this?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously wondering if smoking a bowl for lunch was a bad idea.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

OR THE BEST. STAY TUNED.

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

So awkward... The newspaper lady just caught me sitting stoned in my driveway at 5 am and asked if I was okay. I'm way better than ok right now

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(740): View more from Ohio

I just want to point out that nothing makes my hickie/hangover more obvious than sleeping in a scarf and sunglasses. nothing.

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Also I am about to cut a ringtone from "Sex Machine" so James Brown can tell me to "get up, get on up" in the morning

(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once woke up to the scream from 'get up offa that thing' and smacked my head on my desk

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(312): View more from Illinois

She was drunk and kept trying to talk while I was in her mouth. It sounded like the teacher from a Charlie Brown cartoon!

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(303): View more from Colorado

normal stoners make pot brownies. gay stoners make pot chocolate covered cherries on a cinnamon graham cracker crust which by the way are very effective.

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(540): View more from Virginia

is pulling out brownies in the middle of class on 4/20 just too obvious?

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I'm just trying to jam my tits into some coconuts and I'll be on my way

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(704): View more from North Carolina

That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

no, that was the night I slathered your dick in the icing from my birthday cake

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

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(214): View more from Texas

Idea for the cake. Joints for candles. Do it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im dressed up like a present. waiting for someone to unwrap me ;)

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

this is your brother

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(773): View more from Illinois

NO. NO LET HIS PENIS TOUCH YOU.

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(906): View more from Michigan

He kept his baseball cap on when he went down on me...

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(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

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(650): View more from California

just had a super intense, drunken debate about which blink182 member is the most fuckable. i got so mad i left the room. new low.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(816): View more from Missouri

I kept trying to give you water and you kept spitting it back at me. You looked like a camel. People were staring

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(352): View more from Florida

redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What are we going to do tonight?

(704): View more from North Carolina

What we try to do every night. Take over the world

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(515): View more from Iowa

hes a good boy he deserves a good blow

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(847): View more from Illinois

so for future reference,at what point did you feel like a line had been crossed?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Let's hear it for middle of the street handjobs ladies and gentlemen

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

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(516): View more from New York

is 1am too late, or too early to make bacon?

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(650): View more from California

the ice cream truck is coming omgomg

(1-650): View more from California

dude, it's 2 am.

(650): View more from California

but its COMING

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(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

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(419): View more from Ohio

... I went down on him at the movies. I feel like Alanis Morisette.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(818): View more from California

to be honest..when i was little i used to think sharks can swim out of drains and eat people

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(719): View more from Colorado

im pretty sure your bra is in my room hanging on my shark pinata

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(914): View more from New York

Imagine if sharks could walk on land...scary.

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(858): View more from California

you were watching a documentary about sharks and wouldn't stop stroking my legs and whispering "what if they could walk?"

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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(208): View more from Idaho

drunk waterpark is besst waterpark.

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(408): View more from California

that was you who tried to jump in front of my car in the monkey suit wasnt it

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(860): View more from Connecticut

remind me not buy ky at kmart ever again. Had to get a manager to open the locked case. then he stood there and watched me look through the selection

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I hate that ur telling me this.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Chicago was legit, ate some badass pizza and gave a cig to a crackhead..its all i thought it would be

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited

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(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

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(513): View more from Ohio

You weren't lying about those ceramics students giving the best hand jobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I though she ruined it by crying, then I realized it wasn’t a tear, it was my great aim. It turned out to be beautiful.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

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(518): View more from New York

I legitimately just tried to piss above my head. I got to my chest at highest. There's piss everywhere.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I really need to stop carrying a flask around with me in my backpack at school..

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

Aren't you in 8th grade?

(502): View more from Kentucky

9th, but that's not the point.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Friends help friends remove their foot from the sunroof after an epic smoke sesh.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

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(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(407): View more from Florida

So...AT&T finally added picture messaging for iPhone...bring on the tits!!!

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there was a trapeze. enough said

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(416): View more from Ontario

we did anal to Party In The USA and he busted to Firefies .. felt like we were fucking in a middle school dance

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(443): View more from Maryland

Either your mom needs to stop making spagetti or we need to lay off the anal. I cant tell you how much im in pain.

(1-443): View more from Maryland

Spagetti cuz im not giving up the other one.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Soo both my 8 year old sister and fuck buddy are named Sarah..

(703): View more from Virginia

this can't be going anywhere good

(571): View more from Virginia

nooope. guess which one i texted last nite to come over so i could "punish her pussy"? =\

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just stole a goat. Bringing it to your house to cock block. Blame the goat not me.

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(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

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(919): View more from North Carolina

what part of what i said meant "bring a bowl"

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

"bouncy castle"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I was tripping balls on the bathroom floor and his dog walked in. The lights in his bathroom have motion sensors, so I thought his labrador retriever was Jesus.

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(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(214): View more from Texas

Ps, did you know if you google "drunk jenga", you're the first image that shows up?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Currently looking for a new liver on ebay. Struggle.

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(740): View more from Ohio

How many ice cream sandwiches is an acceptable meal replacement?

(1-740): View more from Ohio

2.5

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

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(917): View more from New York City

hi sober isdnt real. this is a mass rtoomate taext i thing. bye

(908): View more from New Jersey

AMAZING.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She tried to sit inside the drawer to my dresser and when it broke, she burst into tears calling herself fat. Too high to deal with this

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(812): View more from Indiana

Oh we're fine. I made her a "sorry I peed on you" omelet.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

My mouth already tastes like senor cuervo took a piss in it and it's barely 1 am

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(865): View more from Tennessee

we drunkly made out in the middle of the street beside the homeless guy playing the flute. Not how I imagined our first kiss.

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(256): View more from Alabama

We got three kegs and a backhoe. Now taking bets on what charges we end up getting arrested for. Will need bail money.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I need help removing her.

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So two questions...why am I covered in muffins and are there pictures of this.

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(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i just got offered coke by a strung out pilot. my night just got a lot more interesting.

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My roommate and I had a nyquil contest. The nyquil won.

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(214): View more from Texas

My Yahoo Answers account was suspended. Apparently I answered "I like chicks who do anal" to over 100 questions last night.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

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(949): View more from California

Oh my god. I just envisioned myself eating panda meat. I need to get out of this class.

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(816): View more from Missouri

apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

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(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

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(630): View more from Illinois

He snuck into some random hotel's continental breakfast at 3 AM and then passed out on a bench in the lobby. When the cops found him they made him empty out his pockets. No phone, no ID just muffins.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

No He hasn't done that since the time he came in his own eye

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(949): View more from California

I feel like this woman may give her husband a hand job mid way through dinner. just saying.

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(636): View more from Missouri

His little brother walked in on us. Six times.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We're gonna have to suck it up and start making out for free drinks. No homo. I'm watching Tyra "I kissed a girl and I got free drinks."

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Let's do it. All homo

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

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(914): View more from New York

this guy showed up at my house asking for his sword and cape. something tells me i shouldn't drink that much again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am currently eating pure cake frosting...I am not sure how I was ever referred to as a responsible adult.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(253): View more from Washington

thats the sluttiest christmas spirit ever.

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(206): View more from Washington

When we ran out of red solo cups we switched to Starbucks cups for beer pong... Who doesn't want to live in Seattle?

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(415): View more from California

Dude, I just had an awesome rave/orgy with like bunch of hot Asian chicks on a cable car. It was like being in a Gwen Stefani video, cept w/o the bad spelling

(415): View more from California

God, I love San Francisco.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I would wrestle an alligator for a bj right now

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Snorting lines of xanex off the back of my grandparents toilet before church. Thinking of u.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

The background of my phone is you taped to the wall wearing a cowboy hat

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(716): View more from New York

... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(819): View more from Quebec

there's a barbecue in the shower. I'd like to know who got this to fit inside perfectly. impressive

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(914): View more from New York

Can you tell me how this chicken finger got in my pillow case?

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(406): View more from Montana

We sat on the porch laughing about hilarious the sunrise was. And that we can do drugs again in the morning, thank god

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(765): View more from Indiana

You were crying and asking his mom "why doesn't he like road head?"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

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(707): View more from California

Leaving someone plastered on a corner at 3am telling them to just scream for cock is NOT being a good wingman.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(806): View more from Texas

I would like to apologize for my MANY attempts of trying to motor boat you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like I just need to fuck him after all his effort. like a "hey man good try" like those kids who get last place and still get a trophy.

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(949): View more from California

He just showed me a video of his erect penis moving to the beet of the music when he was high, I think I'm in love.

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(620): View more from Kansas

He sent me a picture of his dick with a cowboy hat on it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just finished off a roll of paper towels. Celebration blunt?

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I don't understand but I'll be there in 5

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(216): View more from Ohio

Okay wait let me power puke and then we can go dancing

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(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(239): View more from Florida

I'm sorry the first time we hungout you had to witness me throw up in the ocean then army crawl to shore.

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just bought a waterproof mattress cover. Bring it on sophomore year.

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(925): View more from California

I walked in on her just letting her nose bleed into her friend's hands

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

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(770): View more from Georgia

Im in Ft Meyers right now looking right at an alligator. I have had a couple of beers and people are telling me not to feed him but Im gonna do it anyway.

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(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just hooked up with the fireman who put out the quesadilla fiasco last tuesday.

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(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

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(334): View more from Alabama

Do you know who the random guy who just walked in to kiss me goodnight is?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I guess I just laid down next to him with the entire pot of mac n cheese and started giving him a handie with one hand and eating with the other

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i tried to climb in the window in the limo because i wanted the driver to take me to get noodles. ive reached a new level of fat kid

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I smell like fire and strippers. Successful sunday funday.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(510): View more from California

It'll be like a meth lab. But with jello.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Things got outta hand once she told me to water-board her with Patron.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

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(509): View more from Washington

Currently bleeding through my leggings. Not good. Not good at all.

(406): View more from Montana

Hospital.

(509): View more from Washington

I am invincible.

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(408): View more from California

We're making herpes jokes very loudly and hoping she notices.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.

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(516): View more from New York

watching hot guy on train scrolling with his blackberry's track ball... o to be that track ball...

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just had to have the guy at Sprint clear the dried cum out of the trackball on my Blackberry. Wonder if that happens to him often.

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(407): View more from Florida

i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Fair warning: We've transformed the living room into a giant tent.

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(810): View more from Michigan

RIGHT?!?! I'M ACTUALLY UPSET I DON'T GET TO MAKE THE 2.3 MILE TREK TO SUCK HIS COCK, yes I google earthed it.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have to cancel. My sons dad is out of jail unexpectedly and i'm kinda an emotional wreck. P.s. This is not the life I dreamed of as a little girl.

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(847): View more from Illinois

In all fairness I didnt see your dick because it was already in her

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm so sorry man. Roger cartwheeled into a signpost and cut his face open. it was pretty messy so we all went into panic mode.

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(208): View more from Idaho

The cops forgot your handle of tequila when they took you away. Taking shots in your honor amigo

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She just opened a six pack of corona with her car door ... I had no idea she was such a skilled drunk

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(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

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(903): View more from Texas

I realized it was a bad idea when I broke my collar bone

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told the bartender you needed 2 beers, and a shot of his cum...

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(419): View more from Ohio

apparently I kept yelling at her that I wanted t-Rex sized lines. awesome

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Things he has used as lube on me: olive oil, cologne, purell, spit, tanning oil, and bottled hotel lotion

(202): View more from Washington, DC

He needs to save up for some actual ky before my vagina gets an allergic reaction

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(760): View more from California

...so i touched it.

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(586): View more from Michigan

just had cupcakes and mountain dew for dinner-now i'm playing super mario brothers. 10 year olds all over the world would kill to be me.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Theres this fat girl in desperate need of the proactive factory in my class and as i watch her shovel food in her face I am struggling to not only keep down my meager lunch but also to stay straight. Eliza Dushku couldnt even get my flacid dick to move

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(860): View more from Connecticut

nothing says 4th of july like teaching grandma how to work a keg

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(210): View more from Texas

I think I just saw my 8th grade band teacher trying to pick up a hooker

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up in the front yard with a chalupa and a firecracker in my back pocket. It's what the founding fathers would want

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(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

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(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

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(406): View more from Montana

well other than the faint smell of fireworks in the truck you can't really tell the windshield was exploded

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(315): View more from New York

some drunk bitch driving a golf cart ran over the live band... its bad.

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I will also be strapping forties to the puppies.

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is a creepy guy.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

yea thats what heroine does to ppl.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...

(443): View more from Maryland

How'd that go?

(301): View more from Maryland

Hes on his way with a baseball bat...

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(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought a beer belt to complete the Captain America outfit. I will do my part as a hero of America to pass out beer to the good citizens of America.

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(503): View more from Oregon

bleeding from the face, sitting in a shopping cart and holding a wad of ripped caution tape. what else would i be doing?

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(718): View more from New York

Did my good deed for the day.. Helped an old guy hide his beer on the NJ transit while the ticket lady came by

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

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(928): View more from Arizona

I just wanted to give you a heads up. There's a crab in the kitchen. He doesn't have a name yet. We are just calling him crab for now. Oh! and we have memosas!

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(903): View more from Texas

We talked him into tasing himself.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i spent my evening searching "the sims having sex" on youtube

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

we're no longer friends

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he went to find a bathroom and came back 10 minutes later with a fifth of bacardi, a pack of cigarettes, and two funnel cakes. he is a man among boys.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Not sure why I sent you a picture of a black bear last night but it seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This is great- I found hangover detoxifying bath salt online. It flushes out the alcohol. We need this.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Maybe it's cuz you slapped him with a pancake last night

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(785): View more from Kansas

for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He stole the megaphone off an ATM then we drove around so he could tell people not to jaywalk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition

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(248): View more from Michigan

are you still at the devil's house?

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(210): View more from Texas

I molested 6 butterflies tonight

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(210): View more from Texas

Fuck him for salsa, please. I heard its a good recipe.

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(707): View more from California

I left a bag of circus animal cookies in my car all day. they melted together into on giant cookie. this could either be the best or worst thing ever

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He just lit his joint with the tiki torches around his pool. He is definitely coming to my future parties

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(973): View more from New Jersey

haha omg you stole $185 from a passed out drunk indian on your porch and called the ambulance??

(630): View more from Illinois

savin' lives aint cheap

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(419): View more from Ohio

its not a party unless mikie exposes himself

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

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(802): View more from Vermont

She didn't talk for 45 minutes. We finally convinced her to open her mouth. There was a flower in there.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

the pizza man had no reaction when jackie and me opened the door naked, i guess he's used to that shit

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(573): View more from Missouri

his pick up line was "wanna get a pizza and fuck?"

(314): View more from Missouri

did it work

(573): View more from Missouri

that's not the point...

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(216): View more from Ohio

oh my god i just remembered the cat blow jobs.

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I finally got her to squirt but it wasnt a stream, it came out in the form of mist. I felt like I was in rainforest cafe.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm gonna have to flying elbow somebody tonight in memory of Macho Man

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Apparently I'm the guy that didn't get the memo that Afliction and wifebeaters were the proper attire for tonight... so I'll just sit here alone in my sweatervest and be judged.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

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(503): View more from Oregon

It feels like he gave my taint an indian burn.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(518): View more from New York

I was gonna make fun of her but that plan kinda stopped once she put my dick in her mouth

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(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

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(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i'm at a party where swedish girls are dumping laundry detergent on each other because it glows in blacklight. this is awesome

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(905): View more from Ontario

Ordered a large pizza and definitely just paid the cab driver in pizza slices. I'm glad there's someone out there that's just as fat at heart as we are.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

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(712): View more from Iowa

slow down on the beer.. we don't need another pentabong projectile hot dog incident

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want a nosebag of coke after my exam. Like what horses have. Coked up horses. No excuses. I love you.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(813): View more from Florida

from all the glitter we used it actually looked like a disco stick

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, I'm so high in the forest and I think I'm in a bear den.

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(513): View more from Ohio

They both invited me to family dinner Sunday. Secretly dating two sisters just got real.

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

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(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just got thank you sex for shoveling the driveway. I cant wait for the next blizzard

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(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If you stick your dick in my spaghetti, we're fighting.

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(650): View more from California

they hired a photographer to take a family portrait for grandmas bday gift. we just hired a male stripper. we are def the better grandkids.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

scratched cornea got me an eyepatch and a blowjob from a girl with a thing for pirates

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I got a Luke Skywalker costume so I can go do battle with the homeless guy who plays the fiddle dressed as Darth Vader downtown.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

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(518): View more from New York

my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Grinding on my ninth grade teacher. Dreams really do come true

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Some guy shouted fuck america during the national anthem, i decked him. They threw him out. USA USA USA!

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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