Texts From Last Night · MissREL's Favorites

Sorry ohwellk hasn't picked any favorites yet.

MissREL's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I told her I didn't have a condom. She then sized me with her thumb and finger and tossed me a large. Then I asked her to marry me.

Fav 10 2118 697
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I woke up this morning with a sharpie tramp stamp. Pretty sure it's a picture of a squirrel.

Fav 3 1039 564
share tweet

(904): View more from Florida

They have a genuine stripper pole secured to the floor of their living room. I am thoroughly take advantage of it. I've made $5 so far. Why don't more places have poles??!

Fav 4 998 573
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Spent fifteen minutes in the car thinking i was psychic before i realized the cd was not on shuffle

Fav 2 1275 570
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You is good. You is important. You is a slut.

Fav 9 2159 1283
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

Fav 4 1290 1441
share tweet

(910): View more from North Carolina

I wish i could just live off of margaritas and good sex.

Fav 8 2121 785
share tweet

(303): View more from Colorado

can I share that I'd like to fuck him in my new car as a sort of car warming present to myself?

Fav 8 1537 704
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

New found love of volunteering, when there's free wine available at all times. Good times. And I get to to feel good about helping people.

Fav 6 1214 619
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

Fav 5 2417 806
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Gas station champagne. And before you say anything I'll have you know it's imported. From California. So get fucked.

Fav 9 1660 739
share tweet

(703): View more from Virginia

He was still there when I ran half naked into my suitemate's room where she was skyping her boyfriend and I started singing I JUST HAD SEEEEX

Fav 6 1634 1142
share tweet

(250): View more from British Columbia

Look at you go. You're like the Slutty Librarian that Could. They should write children's books about you. Children's books for adults.

Fav 6 1775 643
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

Fav 7 1841 957
share tweet

(818): View more from California

Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it

Fav 10 1750 686
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I've decided I'm going to drink again. More. Day drinking. Night drinking. Everything. It's the responsible thing to do since I'm not pregnant

Fav 10 1464 651
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

First of all guys don't have walks of shame. Secondly there is nothing more epic than riding the skytrain in a toga while everyone else is going to work

Fav 12 2685 823
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Look. I've got things to do today.. Will you hurry up and come over so I can give you some head and get my day started already

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Outside

Fav 16 2689 798
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

He woke me up at 3 am, turned me on, then changed his mind. There is no way he is getting out of twilight now.

Fav 8 1203 1565
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's Saturday night and I'm sitting on my couch by myself, watching Glee, and drinking gin and tonics. If you listen very closely, you can hear the wails of my mother giving up hope that I will ever give her a son-in-law.

Fav 8 1451 765
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

if girls can go out in miniskirts and reveal their thongs, I should be able to wear a sheer dress with boyshorts with the word love bedazzled on my ass.

(815): View more from Illinois

This is why you're my favorite.

Fav 3 1836 723
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I have a diplomatic trade for you. My pants for your rum. Tomorrow?

Fav 4 1165 557
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?

Fav 13 1769 689
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Nothing screams fatass like a pizza that doesn't fit in your car

Fav 6 1453 598
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry, I was unaware dragging you upstairs for sex was such an awful thing.

Fav 14 1888 773
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Would you and/or him be willing to dress up like the phantom, sing me music of the night and then bone the shit out of me? this is important.

Fav 7 1994 735
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

So the contents found in my winter coats this year: coat 1, condom and 10$. Coat 2, condom and 75$ check. Coat 3, 2.05$ and a sunflower seed.

(1-716): View more from New York

Obviously coat 3 had the best time since you used the condom and all of the money

Fav 9 3172 840
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I realized after pounding back 151 and head banging into each other to "the drop" of that dub step song, that we weren't meant to have boyfriends at this point in time.

Fav 12 1351 685
share tweet
(818): View more from California

idk man, i just want to be a bad influence for future generations

Fav 2 1218 695
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My sister was borrowing my phone when the sext came through. She just said "wow. He's got a nice dick!" Then went on like nothing happened. Outed by a dick pic and its no big deal. Best sister ever.

Fav 6 3828 885
share tweet
(510): View more from California

my math prof is telling us what to do in a gun fight. i dont want to live in oakland anymore.

Fav 12 1434 812
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

NoShamevember. You game?

Fav 3 1328 830
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

My puffy vagina and I are on the way to the doctor to see what your mutant penis did to us THANKS A LOT

Fav 11 931 2540
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Btw, do you want me to fix this with a box of wine and a chick flick or is this more of a 'lets head to the strip club' problem? I'm just trying to analyze the emotional depth of the situation.

Fav 5 1891 736
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

The creepiest man is serenading me at the bar right now. I had about a quarter of a drink left and the bartender just walked over and filled it with vodka and walked away laughing.

Fav 3 2044 708
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

So I vote that we skip the bowling and just go straight to destroying our livers.

Fav 2 1160 672
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It's amazing to think about how many Obama victory sex babies are being prevented by Obamacare free contraception.

Fav 11 3070 839
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Next time we smoke don't let me talk. I just said something and it sounded like I was speaking in hashtag.

Fav 3 1304 782
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm your Election Erection Connection

(860): View more from Connecticut

I retroactively revoke all sex we've ever had.

Fav 9 1881 821
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He just sent me a picture of himself naked while cooking pancakes and he made the caption "bitchin' in the kitchen"

Fav 5 2211 746
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"

Fav 9 4123 1076
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna rob all up in that cradle

Fav 7 1301 716
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I watched you fall asleep, sitting up, eating a cinnamon roll. You proceeded to wake up...smile at your cinnamon roll, ask it how it got into your hand and then began eating it again. You asked me if you were ridiculous last night, define ridiculous.

Fav 7 2970 805
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

GO AHEAD, BITCH, GLARE AT MY WAFFLE ONE MORE TIME. I WILL FUCK YOU UP.

Fav 11 2266 791
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i miss freshman lecture halls much harder to take shots in a class of 20

Fav 4 1076 575
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Sit down my child. It's time you were told of my famous loss-of-virginity story entitled, "The Penis that Never Could."

Fav 2 744 1091
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

So when I eventually, if ever, find someone I'd like to marry, do you think having people fly to africa for a lion king themed wedding is too much?

Fav 7 2007 762
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Mom just referred to a 9 year old as "this bitch", so I'd say day drinking was a success.

Fav 1 2157 1087
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I just want a whole pitcher of margarita and a headdress from party city and sit around and look like a fucking indian princess.

Fav 3 1340 754
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I gave the guy a $20 tip on a $9 cab ride, he thought I was just bad at math but I was really just incredibly thankful to be alive and home.

(845): View more from New York

I was like "don't worry, I'm a math major and you deserve the shit out of that 222% tip"

Fav 7 2226 670
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

And if I don't get arrested for drinking and canoeing over the next 3 days, this hurricane will not have turned out anywhere near as well as I planned

Fav 8 1136 609
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She was purple for Halloween. She literally spray-painted herself purple and called it a costume. It won't come off.

Fav 10 1692 897
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's so drunk he thinks he's the ultimate warrior. Told cops he was from parts unknown. Never broke character

Fav 4 1850 770
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

My office already closed tomorrow. I'm bout to get drunk and build a muh fuckin fort. I shall call it "Fort Fuck You, Sandy, You Fuckin Bitch"

Fav 4 1832 822
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Neither of us have work tomorrow and we live w/n walking distance. This is your official Sandy booty call. Come rock me like a hurricane.

Fav 11 4028 894
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

The liquor stores are closed! NOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO! CURSE YOU SANDY!!!!

Fav 7 986 1284
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Between my sister puke and rallying at the bar and my brother sending a drunk passed out naked pic in which his dick was exposed, I don't know which sibling to be more proud of this weekend.

Fav 5 1640 795
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I honestly think the worst part about the night is they just kicked us out of the park and we didn't even get to go into Disneyland Jail

Fav 2 1207 647
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

Fav 7 2581 833
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

Fav 18 2512 872
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

It's probably because the lack of alcohol in your stomach. Alcohol kills bacteria. I am a doctor. Trust me

Fav 19 2188 859
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

Fav 10 2528 897
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

Fav 12 3349 971
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Her boobs take up a lot of room so God had to skimp on the brains

Fav 6 1692 860
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We decided this year instead of not participating in Halloween at all we are going to hand out free beers to the parents.

Fav 10 1857 682
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

new costume idea. paint swatches and a ball gag... I'll be 50 shades of grey.

Fav 4 2267 881
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

Fav 14 1631 701
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

you taught an eight year old how to shotgun a half pint of chocolate milk, that's all i'm saying

Fav 8 1898 770
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots

Fav 17 2353 821
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Guess who just got caught by mall security having sex in a car in the parking lot... at noon. This chick.

Fav 7 1726 640
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I forgot how easy it is to have sex in public when you're wearing a dress. Thank you global warming.

Fav 6 1775 694
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Sorry, I am not your wing girl tonight,. in my pjs, eating cereal from the box. Hell I only shaved the inside of my legs just so they wouldn't itch. Not happening.

Fav 7 1629 849
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Lets ignore the fact that you want to turn your dorm room into a sex dungeon and focus on the real issues here.

Fav 6 1538 750
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

When i left he was drinking an entire pot of coffee out of the pot with a straw. It's safe to say he's using a personal day

Fav 3 1170 564
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Also, they sell weed-chocolate covered strawberries. For the romantic stoner.

(818): View more from California

That was one of the best texts I got today

Fav 7 2036 739
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Posh spice and Baby spice both in one night. Fantasy complete. God bless halloween.

Fav 8 1509 729
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I mean I feel like if you explain to the emoji app company that your friend got plastered and fell to the ground and is trying to scheme her way back to normal life and get her dignity back they would understand just how necessary it is to have a fingers crossed emoji...

Fav 5 1052 570
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

When a bartender remarks "wow" on how quickly you've finished a drink... Is that good or bad?

Fav 8 1752 804
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.

Fav 4 1701 798
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

Fav 5 1982 741
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I think you are the only one slutty enough and evil enough for the job. Just go in and blue ball him. He broke my nose in Middle school. He deserves this.

Fav 11 2155 833
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

First roommate to find me and dance with me will live. Battle Royale.

Fav 1 1285 629
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I threw away my jacket instead of washing it, the jungle juice stained me more of shame than red food coloring... i have never been that white girl wasted before...

Fav 4 1018 736
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Let the vodka take you where it will. Like Pocahontas, but wasted

Fav 6 1766 797
share tweet
(408): View more from California

so you know how I brush my teeth after I give you a bj? according to my dentist my teeth have never been cleaner. looks like this will be a recurring thing

Fav 15 2718 797
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

WE SHOULD FUCK TWO GUYS THAT LIVE TOGETHER

(1-319): View more from Iowa

THAT WOULD BE SO CONVENIENT WE COULD CARPOOL

Fav 12 3226 779
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

him being a republican bothers me way more than his coke problem.

Fav 10 2009 1166
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Whatever, consider condoms an eighteen year investment.

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I could probably save all of the money I would have spent on condoms and put a kid through college.

Fav 7 1492 818
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Do you ever wonder what the men who we shamelessly objectify would think if they saw our texts in regard to them?

Fav 10 1598 670
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm just gonna pretend you didn't ask me that. I'll sweep that shattered moment of our friendship under the shame rug.

Fav 2 1561 821
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?

Fav 23 2287 816
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Called my ex last night, told her I wanted to bang like we use too, her fiance was in the car, I was on speaker phone. NO MORE TEQUILA!

(1-512): View more from Texas

Did she say Ok?

Fav 8 2587 999
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

If that's all it takes to cure your hangovers then you need to drink more.

Fav 8 1335 787
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I'm drunk in your building find me and we can have sex.

Fav 8 2862 743
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

IS SOBER OCTOBER A THING?? WTF WHO ARE THESE PEOPLE?

Fav 5 905 1132
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I told the cop to try walking in heels and he'd understand why I was walking home without then on. He told me he only does that on Wednesdays.

Fav 2 3888 874
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

He came over hammered at four in the morning with roses trying to get me back when my new fling opened the door he just stood there crying for 40mins even after we closed the door

Fav 13 846 2154
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha my philosophy professor just opened class with "I had a shitty weekend and I was at the bar until 815 this morning. So bear with me".

Fav 10 4494 986
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

iphones do not disturb setting is the biggest cock block to my 3am booty calls

Fav 4 1073 814
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I have cobwebs on my vagina for halloween. And bats fly out when I open my legs.

Fav 11 1418 2272
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You could make a naked club. One member, you. One president, you.

Fav 9 1831 1261
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm like five sips away from making a Craigslist post for true love and mustaches. My family is going to disown me tonight.

Fav 0 1168 723
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

The straight guy here is hot. He described himself as Christian grey without the money and my vagina fell out of my body

Fav 11 1898 969
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

my question is who was more confortable? You sleeping on the floor or me tweeting from a bush?

Fav 3 988 631
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just woke up under a car ? That's odd

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Holy fucking shit

(845): View more from New York

WAIT BUT IM WEARING A BACKPACK THAT MAGICALLY HAS 30 BEERS IN IT

Fav 8 3570 938
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

I will blow you tomorrow if you bring me food tonight. Like a payment plan

Fav 11 2231 875
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Are you really alive right now?

Fav 5 1932 882
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Like I've never seen her that drunk. She's usually like quiet and doesn't say she'll fuck someone on a futon

Fav 5 1503 805
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Breakfast Clubbing as Juggalos. I can feel our IQs in freefall.

Fav 6 964 1152
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I woke up this morning to my house being turned into a bad European dance club at 8:30am. Do you know what "UNS UNS UNS" sounds like at 8:30am? Murder. It sounds like murder.

Fav 9 2980 1497
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We don't really communicate like that.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like what?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Communicate like people who want to see each other when their genitals are inside their pants.

Fav 3 1993 949
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Stop making Mac and cheese and sit on his face. FINISH HIM

Fav 9 2208 871
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden

Fav 4 1237 766
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Telling someone to make good decisions on a Thursday is like telling Santa to be Jewish.

Fav 3 1371 698
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't know which is worse, the fact that he can say will you fuck me in so many languages or that I'm turned on because of that

Fav 3 1565 707
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Nothing says "Good Morning" like Jell-o shots and coffee cakes.

Fav 2 1183 663
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

She sat next to me on the couch and said "word going around is you got a sweet cock". My nickname problem was solved!

Fav 6 2124 869
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I cannot FaceTime with your penis

Fav 10 1280 760
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Dunno why I keep hitting snooze. It's never gonna give me the kind of sleep I need to be sober.

Fav 1 1323 757
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

"It's not a date, we're just spending the entire day at a concert and then getting high together." Awesome.

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

You have found the Promised Land of friend zones

Fav 3 1527 961
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

The problem is drunk me is completely unaware how poor I am

Fav 6 2066 1031
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Unless you're gonna start buying my underwear, you have got to stop ripping it off of me.

Fav 11 3640 1160
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Judge me all you want, but while you are stuck at home eating Ramen and tap water, I will be dining with some guy who, although might be the same age as my father, is filthy rich.

Fav 10 1972 852
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Sometimes I'm jealous of turtles because they can just go to their homes whenever they want by putting their heads in their bodies.

(1-585): View more from New York

How high are you?

Fav 6 2692 865
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just pulled a muscle trying to take a naked pic. I think it's time to start working out again.

Fav 1 722 1242
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm about to fuck a girl in an old school Tony Kukoc Bulls jersey. About to earn my third championship ring in sex

Fav 3 1390 648
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Ok. So let me get this straight. She treats her vagina like a clown car, yet judges me for just making out with the guy that bought all of us shots?

Fav 8 2184 848
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I hope your fat roommate breaks the bunkbed and crushes you in your sleep

Fav 7 2338 1045
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

It sounded like he said "don't stop" but all I could hear were his balls.

Fav 6 1450 877
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

My mom opened up my bank statement today....my first alcohol intervention class is at 7:30am tomorrow.

(1-563): View more from Iowa

I'll have party bus drop you off in the morning.

Fav 9 1961 770
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

just won 200$ from the school for "liking" the anti-alcohol seminar. putting it to good use

(716): View more from New York

how?

(585): View more from New York

not even kidding, my fake id is arriving in 6-8 business days

Fav 13 2350 861
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You're fucking beautiful as shit and we should have loving sex...

Fav 12 3189 904
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The number of males in the usa getting circumsized are decreasing. Keep this in mind when we become cougars

Fav 8 1299 911
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Okay I know I said I was going to quit drinking for a while but apparently pumpkin pie flavored vodka is a thing and I will not rest until I have some.

Fav 5 2009 792
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why did you send me 12 pictures in a row of your expressionless face at 2:30 am?

Fav 7 1964 846
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Put down the bong. Turn off Hey Arnold. Stop calling me football head.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

I love you football head

Fav 7 2864 969
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to pound you from behind over a table at the bar while I pull your hair and call you a whore...please pass along that message to Rob

Fav 10 2205 964
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I hate it when the guy who runs the chicken and waffles truck is convinced that I run a cult.

(239): View more from Florida

that is the opposite of a normal text message.

Fav 6 2044 869
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I call BS on that! THAT WAS TOTALLY AN INTERCEPTION. JENNINGS HAD THAT.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

PEOPLE ARE FLIPPING FURNITURE HERE. IN THE ROOM ABOVE ME. I HEARD SOMEONE WOOKIE CALL IN ANGER FROM SOMEWHERE IN THIS BUILDING.

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

I'd be lying if I said I wasn't scared, even a little.

Fav 15 2443 960
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Anxiously awaiting my period drinking Hershey's syrup from the bottle. Don't judge me

Fav 7 848 1151
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh FYI, people asked how/why I met you and I didn't want to say "drunk at a party on an air mattress" so I made a story up. It was a very cute and charming story with no alcohol.

Fav 1 1740 678
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

New brilliant plan: invite two random okcupid girls to the same bar at the same time, have them compete

Fav 5 1330 838
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

But I do know they give away thousands and thousands in booze

(713): View more from Texas

My liver has a boner

Fav 3 1718 843
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

She is the epitome of a puke & rally. She picked a random hott guy at the bar & made him pinky promise not to leave while she took a power nap. She went & passed out in her friends car & apparently puked just outside the bar. She stumbled in & found the randome guy again & claimed she was golden. Made it to the after party & stayed up til 6 doing body shots off every girl she saw & hooked up with the random from the bar. I love her life

Fav 8 2884 910
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Look, opening a Guinness with a steak knife and nearly cutting your finger off to make another carbomb is always a good idea.

Fav 4 901 881
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think he is probably a psycho that will eventually murder me but i mean the sex last time was AWESOME.

Fav 11 1800 788
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Please say a prayer for the elevator people at work today. My farts are significantly more potent the day after hitting that korean place for lunch...

Fav 11 1216 1117
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Who knows? Maybe we can sing afternoon delight into each other's genitals.

Fav 4 1372 732
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'll just tell your children you were the queen of drunk town and you had a giant purple monkey named bongo

Fav 4 1235 739
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You peed on someone's house because they had a Wisconsin flag.

Fav 8 1548 910
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my birthday, i should be around people i want to fuck

Fav 6 2316 817
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i dont know how he's 22 and thinks emoticons will get him laid. lady boner just died.

Fav 6 716 1326
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

Starting the weekend with a pair of pants on which the zipper wont stay up. Is this a sign of things to come??

Fav 7 1397 799
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Cop came to our door looking for you. Something about sex in public and intoxication. I said you matched the description.

Fav 3 2573 844
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We weren't even through customs yet, and we got offered weed. You would love Jamaica.

Fav 5 1701 651
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just flicked a lizard out of the window with a bud light in one hand and spatula inthe other...dont tell me you dont miss the south

Fav 8 1870 818
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Would you be mad if I just used the argument "I'm allowed to say that, my best friend is a lesbian"?

(214): View more from Texas

Never. I'm proud to help you win arguments.

Fav 1 2170 735
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She cracked her neck before the blowjob and I knew shit just got real.

Fav 21 5271 1145
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

The dorm having an ice machine is their way of inviting us to make mixed drinks.

Fav 2 1210 626
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

And after that you guys started calling arbor mist "breakfast juice"

Fav 3 1406 718
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just out of curiosity. Did you wait until my fb picture was well liked by others before liking it so people won't know we're fucking?

Fav 5 2096 1051
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I will never understand why the dress to get laid party is always scheduled to be during family weekend. Its not even ironically funny.

Fav 5 694 1010
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

After you tried speaking to him in whale you asked if you could see his "blow hole." That's how bad it was.

Fav 6 1331 885
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I just got carded by a ten year old.

Fav 5 1085 1121
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Hey, ok if I kidnap you? I wanna test a theory.

Fav 5 1748 769
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Life seems so much brighter and more vibrant after you have sex with a 20 year old. It's like how Kansas was in black and white and Oz was in technicolor.

Fav 8 1743 784
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

you are dancing on the line between undergrad and alcoholic.

Fav 3 1294 711
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I got a thank you card in the mail from the virgin i slept with on the camping trip. Weird or the new classy?

Fav 13 2648 823
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Can't we have real sex instead of you just thrusting the air near me?

Fav 9 823 1695
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Has my life seriously led me to day drinking on a Monday the third week of the semester?

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

It's after 5, it's not day drinking.

Fav 12 1748 757
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

HOW DO YOU GET TO BE A GROWN-UP AND NOT KNOW WHAT A DECADE IS!?

Fav 10 1389 941
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I drunkenly transformed into shehulk last night and lifted every single guy off the ground bc one guy told me that there was no way I was strong enough. Don't worry, I proved them wrong. Stupid stereotypical men.

Fav 14 3014 904
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Our lady landlord called. Dot worry, I handled it. Drunk. Tell her it was Nate. Done. Good. Bye. Drunk.

Fav 2 1217 774
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

According to the red cross, I'm not suppose to do anything strenuous for the next 24 hours. That means you're on top.

Fav 3 2702 822
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Woke up covered in green glitter and beer. I am never leaving Ireland.

Fav 3 2132 747
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I am never going on a blind date ever again. He drank way too much and kept telling me I had a nice boob. Like.. Singular. What's the other one? The ugly twin?

Fav 5 1647 1447
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

that's all we do, eat and hve sex, eat and have sex. he thinks it's bad and that we need to talk more or whatever but I'm just not seeing the problem...

Fav 12 2626 860
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Congratulations on your lack of fetus.

Fav 4 2168 1160
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

When the cops pulled up I just stood flat against the fence with my hands up while yelling out,"I'm a tree!!"...

Fav 6 2183 879
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

FridayRule: If it takes you longer than 5 minutes to find a parking spot, you don't have class today

Fav 5 2153 891
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He motorboated me, gave me a business card that said congratulations on my motorboat, then disappeared into the night.

(585): View more from New York

Find him and marry him.

Fav 5 2651 866
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She tried to beat the waitress over the head with a bread stick because one of her martini olives was missing a pimento. All while screaming "IT'S GAMEDAY BITCH"

(864): View more from South Carolina

Olive Garden will never be the same.

Fav 10 2159 1133
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just got assigned a beer bong as hw in fluids to demonstrate the inverse of pascals principle. I love this prof

Fav 5 1500 659
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There should be an app that tazers me in my pocket when I'm spending too much money at the bar. Take a hint, Android Network. You slut.

Fav 2 1808 817
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Every time I walk onto campus my Saint Patrick's day scar starts to throb. I'm like a drunken accident prone Harry Potter

Fav 6 2036 993
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.

Fav 1 1785 829
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Im not coming back to that place until im drunk. If I walk in there sober Ill start screaming uncontrollably. Not words, just sounds.

Fav 1 1158 768
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

She came to class yesterday wearing a shirt saying Maybe Partying Will Help. Showed up to class today and puked three times.

Fav 5 1934 896
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Hypothetical question. Say I was bleeding profusely, close to your house, and needed a place to go to clean up and perform minor surgery on myself. Like now.

Fav 7 1887 1050
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Please stop letting me make out with hot lesbians.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Definitely not. I may be your best friend, but first and foremost I am a guy. Please continue.

Fav 10 3654 1047
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Me and this random chick had a conversation about how to save the world. 2 words: Dance. Battles. I love drunk heart to hearts in bar bathrooms.

Fav 4 1228 646
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

They should really start adding the average cost of day drinking to our cost analysis sheets. Does FAFSA cover this? No. It doesn't.

Fav 2 1309 680
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

I think my vagina is phsycic. All day it tingled and then BAM Channing Tatums look alike fucks me like ive never been fucked in my life.

Fav 9 3036 838
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Thats the last time im "arresting" you to get out of paying your bar tab.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What?! The only reason I married your sister is to have a Cop in the family!

Fav 16 4379 1159
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

A man bought two 40's from me, then asked if I had duct tape. How do people over 50 know about Edward 40hands? It was very weird.

Fav 10 1586 735
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got escorted to my 7:45 class by an old woman because I was too hungover to not realize I was four floors too high.

Fav 0 1184 809
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He's just so adorable. And I don't want to fuck someone who's adorable.

Fav 7 1017 1272
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm allowing myself one mistake a year. He gets to be 2012.

Fav 5 1184 672
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We called dibs on each other's genitals. That bond is unbreakable.

Fav 3 1852 839
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I want to play lord of the rings tonight. And by that I mean get really drunk, potentially lost, and go trekking through the woods or climbing shit. I want all of you there. You are the fellowship. This is a mass text. I am insanely high.

Fav 12 4169 1087
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He called me at two in the morning to tell me he was throwing the tiny Thor hammer at moving vehicles. Apparently he missed the guy on the motorcycle.

Fav 4 979 1175
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You installed a beer holder in the shower?! You're the best roommate ever!

(503): View more from Oregon

... That's a shower caddy.

(541): View more from Oregon

I believe this is a toe-mate-toe vs. toe-maut-toe situation.

Fav 11 3694 1026
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

Fav 9 1801 1810
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Most senic walk of shame ever. This is why you go to school in Hawaii.

Fav 6 2442 762
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I'll be in my room with a breakfast burrito at 2:30. It's up to you...

Fav 2 1131 797
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

They need to leave so I can start drinking shamefully.

Fav 4 1280 782
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can we make a pact that if we're 40 and still sluts that aren't married we can get civil unioned the fuck up and raise an asian baby as our own?

Fav 8 2268 788
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

You told me "I need to pound this drinks if I'm going to pretend his dick is big enough" then left. Dollar night quotes 2012

Fav 4 1378 860
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

shut up. I wear heels bigger than your dick

Fav 73 19507 4224
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So I used to make fun of texas a lot, then I got here and I found a place where I could get my tequila in a to go cup with a straw and I realized that this is the only place I ever want to be

Fav 209 20495 1475
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

Fav 38 22562 3001
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

Fav 182 53565 2640
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

Fav 534 137225 6911
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

Fav 842 146094 10746
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Like, what's the customary waiting period to hookup with your newly single ex that you never stopped hooking up with?

Fav 7 1910 1382
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

It isn't possible and the very mindfuck of that concept gives me a lady boner.

Fav 6 1393 735
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I still have way too many Frat houses to get blackout drunk at before I'm get in any type of relationship

Fav 6 1123 756
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

The spray paint was a bad idea, 'insert penis here' isn't coming off

Fav 6 1178 846
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Before we fucked we both mutually agreed not to tweet about it.

Fav 8 1546 806
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I'm hoping they send me home from work drunk.

Fav 4 1080 654
share tweet
(44): View more from United Kingdom

All i'm saying is it doesn't matter how drunk you were, at 26 years of age you should always remember to take down you pants before you shit in the toilet

Fav 3 1070 1861
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

A guy with the name Pootie Tang winked st me and a guy that doesn't speak English messaged me. These are my choices?

Fav 8 798 1406
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.

Fav 7 1563 864
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

No one parties like Jon. He once stole a cops hat, ran like the wind, partied all night with it, and dropped it off at the station the next day with a box of donuts as an appology.

Fav 8 4307 1113
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You wanted to thank my penis. You wanted me to take the condom off so you could touch it and thank it.

Fav 6 2297 899
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Until this weekend, a man hadn't made me orgasm since the night Obama was elected. Now THAT is change I can believe in.

Fav 7 2122 900
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Tried to figure out where I was without opening my eyes this morning for like twenty minutes. Not even close. Not even the right state.

Fav 7 3018 1089
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

the manly guy you want to date so badly? he's at the club. as a drag queen. wearing higher heels than you own. think about that.

Fav 14 2603 1157
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

margarita monday on the first day back? my gpa is telling me noo! but my heart is telling me goo! I am conflicted..

Fav 3 1181 959
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

At our floor meeting the RA was talking about bathroom hygiene and I really wanted to be like "what about shower sex."

(216): View more from Ohio

Valid question

Fav 6 1819 746
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm mentally preparing myself to hang out with him by staring into the mirror saying "thou shalt not get naked" over and over.

Fav 7 1801 863
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Brandon's Recipe: two parts cocoa, one part sugar, one part milk, two parts four, 378 parts paranoia. Thanks for the fucking brownies, bitch.

Fav 3 1356 973
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Wait, you seriously DON'T keep vodka in your backpack??!??!?

Fav 4 1316 871
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want a sensitive guy who will get drunk with me then take me out to steal things. Is that too much to ask?

Fav 10 1604 1048
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Get a piano. I want to have sex on it.

Fav 19 2525 924
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Law school has no idea what kind of prospect they have coming in. I just convinced a cop not to take me to jail by asking him if he really felt like cleaning puke out of his car tonight.

Fav 11 3050 899
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The guy who was The Count on Sesame Street died this week too. Therefore, you should take multiple shots, count them, & go "ahh aaahh aaaahhh" after each one. I expect video...

Fav 5 2621 937
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Yeah her jello shots are the next closest thing to a lethal injection. That potent.

Fav 1 1194 676
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.

Fav 24 3457 1013
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I began mixing captain Morgan and jack daniels and called it captain jack sparrow. I puked. a lot.

Fav 15 2830 1032
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

So what's today's forecast for the female rollercoaster you've been riding?

Fav 4 1472 902
share tweet
(805): View more from California

There was probably a tattoo above her soulless vagina that read 'it's a trap!' Yet you ignored it

Fav 6 1478 801
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Just called my dad drunk from bed to ask for bacon.. my niece texted me when it was ready.. i'm never moving out

Fav 18 2568 835
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

When he sent me a picture, I swear my vag frowned. That tiny.

Fav 14 925 2533
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm obsessing over hocus pocus right now. What if I change my Grindr profile to "come little children, I'll take thee away to a land of enchantment"

Fav 11 1556 1042
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

They invited me day drinking but brought their kids. 3 two year olds and 1 11 month old. I was asked to change a diaper, I laughed and took another drink of this margarita. I LIKE CHANEL AND TEQUILA NOT CHILDREN. Can we make new friends?

Fav 8 1915 1175
share tweet
(925): View more from California

crossed #23 off the Slucket List!

(1-925): View more from California

YOU JUST MADE YOUR SLUCKET LIST THIS MORNING.

Fav 6 3030 1003
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sweet. Warning: i have been drinking at work since 4. Plan accordingly.

Fav 17 1459 768
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

It's my vagina- remember its magical and yes I just did mini spirit fingers

Fav 3 1201 693
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

OH MY GOD I JUST WANT TO GO HOME AND FART ALL NIGHT.

Fav 5 1118 1242
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just be aware that next year I will probably try to seduce you to avoid going to the gym

Fav 2 1264 708
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i only avoided him because he looked like he was about to have a heart attack and i didnt feel like doing cpr on my day off.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

what type of emt are you

Fav 4 1759 982
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude. I am seriously trying SO hard not to be amused by Honey Boo Boo. But the fact is, she just got a mani pedi with her gay uncle Poodle, and he got a discount because he only has nine toes, and I am ALL IN.

Fav 10 2283 1011
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

The narcoleptic neighbor conked out while taking her dog out again. Drinking game based on what the dog does and how long she's out. You in?

Fav 1 1602 815
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

he told me it was like eating gods vagina.

Fav 12 1659 811
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I attempted to stand up and was quickly reminded by gravity that I am the universe's bitch right now

Fav 8 2248 950
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I distinctly remember calling the anesthesiologist a "sneaky little bastard" directly to his face

Fav 9 2090 849
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

There is a 5-year old here fighting 'drunk monkeys'. He tried to knock a drink out of my hand with a plastic light saber...

Fav 7 1525 820
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Dude, you were dipping oreos in vodka and asking people to try it, "It's so good!"

Fav 1 1288 716
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm driving while wearing hulk hands

Fav 9 2105 924
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If it involves mee putting on a bra and discontinuing my 11 am drinking my answer is a polite fuck YOU

Fav 2 1957 848
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I was giving this guy head and he stopped me to look me in the eyes and say "you have a gift"

Fav 8 3393 816
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just ASL-ed someone for the first time since 2002.

Fav 12 1352 705
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

She just texted me that she's horny, then started quoted random music, then telling me everything she regrets. I don't think there's enough tequila in the world for me to deal with her...

Fav 6 750 1272
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I just hit myself in the face while taking off my shirt. I could never be a stripper.

Fav 7 1814 780
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I know everybody has skeletons in their closet but why are all of mine so slutty?

Fav 5 1632 774
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.

Fav 8 1053 1543
share tweet
(424): View more from California

This is America. Deny every slut accusation or own up to it

Fav 2 1549 830
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

I dont know what we smoked last night but I woke up and found out I started writing a book called White Trash Princess. Its the best thing Ive ever read

Fav 14 3060 938
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ur mom makes the best bacon

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

WHAT ARE YOU DOING IN MY HOUSE

Fav 14 4135 999
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Big girls don't cry they get day drunk

Fav 5 2397 882
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

No, that's just what we do when we hang out. We get drunk, have really awesome sex, then fight about why we never worked as a couple

Fav 11 2115 870
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The usual, im laying out. Ipod on shuffle, Large spray bottle to cool myself of and a smaller one filled with chilled vodka. I can spray the vodka right in my mouth without even opening my eyes. THIS IS LIVING....

Fav 7 2242 716
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I knew when her mom came in spraying me with Febreeze telling me I smelled like shame it was going to be a rough day.

Fav 3 2166 1053
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I have a new favorite bar game. It's called, get dressed up and go drinking alone then make up random stories of why you are alone to look less like an alc

Fav 3 1160 1302
share tweet
(415): View more from California

you should be awarded for your promiscuity.

(1-415): View more from California

i really should.

Fav 4 1125 710
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He thinks he's a sex addict. Just. My. Type.

Fav 4 1912 789
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She described me as " a caterpillar of adorable quietness that exploded into a slutty butterfly" She definitely nailed it there

Fav 6 2513 857
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I can't keep up with all the guys you're banging. I'm just going to start referring to them by city of origin.

Fav 4 1534 667
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I let him fuck me in a batman costume. Don't talk to me about needing to read fifty shades gray.

Fav 5 2188 881
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Drink for every country you've never heard of.

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuuuuuuuuuck

Fav 9 3020 943
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if any part of your body has ever entered my vagina you are fucking obligated to speak to me if i so desire

Fav 14 2840 1167
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I should put together a new mom basket for her. It would have diapers, vodka, ambien, and tissues for when she cries about her wasted youth.

Fav 5 1533 793
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

No night ever ends well that starts with "you know what this needs? More tequila".

Fav 6 1736 705
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm rearranging all my life goals to become a billionaire by 28 and batman by 30. Not kidding.

Fav 17 2515 828
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Please do us both a favor and come rip my clothes off.

Fav 7 3022 837
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.

Fav 8 2121 841
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Expect nothing less than me teaching them how to do shots and put condoms on

Fav 11 1309 664
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Grandpa got a dui while riding a horse. This is what I need to live up to.

Fav 20 4019 975
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

So I know we're not talking about this anymore buuuuuut I left heel marks on the wall.

Fav 2 1437 646
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

But mostly fuck him senseless. Render him speechless. Have him look at my vagina and wonder, "WHAT SORCERY IS THIS?!"

Fav 10 3192 931
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I just farted in the bathroom and the guy in the stall next to me started gagging. Its a beauitful day

Fav 5 2465 978
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

This is what we get for YOLOing our way to obesity

Fav 10 1047 1626
share tweet
(714): View more from California

sea world and a strip club? BEST DAY EVER!

Fav 9 1519 1157
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Cute underage boy is in my house.

(410): View more from Maryland

OH MY GOD. DON'T DO ANYTHING. WHY IS HE IN YOUR HOUSE.

Fav 13 1994 866
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I need a straight guy to pretend to be my boyfriend for 30 minutes so that I can pull off an act of petty vengeance. Interested?

Fav 7 2392 859
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

MY roomie made me a chinese name- it's supposed to mean 'the girl of a thousand sins.'

Fav 7 2059 802
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We fucked to showtunes. Never going out with a theatre major ever again.

Fav 8 837 1521
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

yes i am an adult who snuck out of my parents house to cuddle with a guy and then came home and listened to taylor swift. judge me all you want.

Fav 5 1759 1116
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Part of me was thinking I should go old school and get a chasity belt before the semester starts. Really lock that shit down. But then I thought, fuck that. I'm going to hit that campus like an f5 whorenado

Fav 27 3888 1105
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I can't even remember the last time I took my own pants off

Fav 11 2530 818
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I'm just a little drunk right now and I have to work at 3

(906): View more from Michigan

Omg sara

(920): View more from Wisconsin

I ran out of milk and it's hot and I was thirsty

Fav 8 1912 818
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?

Fav 2 1312 617
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Just walked into the bar to find a guy in a Boba Fett helmet leaning casually against the wall, texting. This night just got real.

Fav 8 2253 1307
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Its not the fact that i woke up wearing a tutu that bugs me its the fact that i have 75 photos of me wearing a tutu on facebook

Fav 5 1811 758
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Just did a relay race involving shotgunning beers, cannonballs and riding a blowup whale. Never want to leave vacation.

Fav 2 1762 723
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Get your ass over here, we're drinking Patron and watching My Little Pony. Patron and Ponies, do you copy?!

Fav 18 2297 963
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

just had sex on top of a camper looking at the stars, BEAT THAT.

Fav 29 2400 832
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I know you`re my best friend, but when i wake up with this bad of a hangover and no memories of last night, i dont want to see your tits ad my background.

Fav 6 1362 668
share tweet
(002): View more from

There are two types of people in this world I don't trust: people who collect stamps, and people who don't drink

Fav 8 2061 727
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

You paid at the door and they gave you a straw for the kiddie pool full of booze.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

After a bit there were two girls who got naked and liquor wrestled. I don't think it was planned.

Fav 6 1648 699
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I have vodka soaked strawberries. My latest tarot card reading hinted at a lesbian/bisexual coming out. I doubt I survive the night.

Fav 0 1518 713
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I'm not really made for random hookups.. i'm like a swan.. i don't wanna have random swan sex. i just wanna have one swan hubby and fly around the world together and eat bread that people throw at us..

Fav 20 3936 1227
share tweet
(661): View more from California

Malibu has added tequila to its rum. It's like when two beautiful gaybies come together an spawn a unicorn that only cries jellybean tears.

Fav 7 2679 979
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

High gym went like this: I went to Dairy Queen instead.

Fav 11 3025 1030
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She said we couldnt stop drinking until there were enough bottles to make a fort. so we could have sex in our "bottle castle"

Fav 6 2270 733
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I told her my hands were paint brushes and her vagina was my canvas

Fav 3 2244 984
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I think we got naked. I can't remember but if you have "friends" written on your ass, then we did. Because I have "best" on mine.

Fav 5 2932 949
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The video of him doing the dougie made me telling him I didn't want a relationship, just his virginity so much easier.

Fav 3 1302 715
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Is it true if I say your name three times, you'll appear and whore everything up?

Fav 2 2595 877
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I've fallen from my one moral pedestal

Fav 3 782 1072
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I need a burrito and a hug.

Fav 13 1630 843
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I opened my door to find him standing there with vodka, McDonalds, a smile and a hard-on. Of course I let him in.

Fav 9 3382 938
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

We literally just Chinese fire drilled so I could give him road head.

Fav 14 2106 794
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

She's got a butler. A fucking butler. Shes like batman, but with a better ass.

Fav 12 3217 896
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP BLOWING DUDES ON MY COUCH AT MY PARTIES

(1-303): View more from Colorado

YOU NEED TO STOP PROVIDING TEQUILA AT YOUR PARTIES

Fav 9 2784 806
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I have to be at work in a hour. Can you sufficiently fuck me in 35 minutes?

Fav 15 3247 880
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Dave, I love you but you're barking up the wrong lesbian. You sir are the competition. You don't threesome with competition.

Fav 20 3126 1118
share tweet
(916): View more from California

1 tequila 2 tequila 3 tequila, floor.

(707): View more from California

*roof

Fav 6 2100 798
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I swear to God, if you drunkenly correct my grammar one more time, I'm cutting you off.

Fav 6 1682 811
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

So. Do you think marshmallow vodka in hot chocolate while eating a graham cracker would = s'mores?

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

In some strange universe, yes

Fav 7 1908 745
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

"Every minute you spend hanging out with David is a minute you could spend meeting someone new, who isn't a huge douche" - Buddha

Fav 11 3384 886
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

my vagina can't take this anxiety. there is no way he is 19 and this smooth. he's lying about his age or he's a goddamn sexual prodigy

Fav 9 2731 833
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How did "just two beers for happy hour" turn into naked backyard wrestling?

Fav 7 1885 659
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I whispered "you're doing a great Job" when he was fucking me. Then high fived him.

Fav 9 2635 892
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I'd just like to say before I start drinking tonight that not only do I not find you attractive; I don't want to hook up with you, suck your dick, be your "suga mama" or have your babies. Please disregard any texts, phone calls or voicemails that say otherwise..

Fav 12 2546 1370
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Now I get the fucking shakes every time I hear I'm Sexy And I Know It. Thanks, Captain Morgan.

Fav 4 1282 729
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

when the washing machine is on all the beer bottles jiggle and clink against each other... "drink us drink us drink us"

Fav 3 1674 733
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I knew from the second he called his penis glorious that I was meant to sleep with him

Fav 23 1561 799
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Tonight, a friend walked in and said "oh look at that. Drunk on the living room floor. Just as expected." this is my life. This is my life.

Fav 6 1403 980
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its Nebraska, I'm sure im not the first person to wake up hungover in a corn field.

Fav 6 2171 1157
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

he sent me a pic of his dick and balls out with sunglasses over them like a face. i was at dinner.

(732): View more from New Jersey

do you still have it? i kinda want to see.

Fav 4 2285 927
share tweet
(310): View more from California

That's the best thing about having gay dads, you don't gotta do shit on mothers da and everybody is down wit getting wasted on mimosas at brunch

Fav 2 2697 849
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

After he finished he proceeded to check my boobs for breast cancer.

Fav 9 1477 746
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Yup. We're now banned from TWO of our nation's finest zoos.

Fav 4 1965 750
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Should I feel guilty that my husband is cheating on his girlfriend with me? I mean, we're not divorced yet so I still have dibs, right?

Fav 20 3854 1245
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

We hooked up. It felt slightly wrong considering he is my foreign exchange student but there's a reason America imports. Foreigners got the goods.

Fav 3 2079 727
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Nothing like pulling a bottle of vodka out of your purse at 7am in the security line to make your fellow passengers uncomfortable...

Fav 4 1484 1045
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It summer and it's getting a lot harder to hide sex bruises from my parents.

(1-510): View more from California

First world problems?

Fav 6 2759 868
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

Fav 3 3414 804
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

The engagement ring savings account is now the strippers and gin savings account. What are you doing tonight?

Fav 8 2759 971
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm dealing with this like an adult, cupcakes and beer.

Fav 4 1537 704
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I know this is really fun but I don't wanna glow anymore

Fav 3 1299 1066
share tweet
(619): View more from California

For months it was all good and well just having sex. Now, something in me has snapped and I'm dreaming of taking turtleneck Christmas pictures with him. Fuck you, we're going out tonight. I need this.

Fav 14 2205 821
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Sorry I don't make house calls. You wanna get blown you come over here. It's like rock paper scissors but vagina ALWAYS beats penis

Fav 14 4096 1005
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

We fucked in my trunk while on the clock....what did you do at work today?

Fav 16 1888 754
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I'm wearing a real bra and real shoes. I look like a fucking lady.

Fav 19 2516 997
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Just sucked a bong hit straight from my girlfriends mouth & pretended I was a Dementor. Life just 87% more like HP.

Fav 11 3575 1012
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She kicked in my bedroom door in only high-heals with a bottle of wine, announcing it was "cock-o-clock"

Fav 26 5332 1042
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

OMGGG I JUST SAW A REAL OWL JUST CHILLING ON TOP OF A SIGN POST. I WALKED UP TO HIM AND SAID HOO HOOOOO AND HE TURNED HIS HEAD AT ME AND WAS LIKE YEAHHH BRO

Fav 24 4407 1016
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

New low: just got woken up by my 9 year old cousin throwing an empty at me and telling me to get my life together.

Fav 9 2201 1566
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

He kept checkin to make sure you were still alive after you passed out on his bed, After like the 4th time he walked back in there you were naked on his bed eating an apple, claiming he needed to be the Adam to your Eve..That drunk..

Fav 12 3009 927
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

I like that we've become good enough friends again that I can make fun of your penis without it being awkward

Fav 18 1670 827
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I don't know what I would do if cheese never existed

(949): View more from California

Someone's stooooned

Fav 13 2263 916
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I found a phone book at the party and started calling everyone with my last name asking if they wanted to form a club. I'm meeting one for brunch tomorrow...

Fav 8 3664 1004
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I'm mad at him and disappointed with you. It's like I put a bunch of effort into a PowerPoint of "what not to do with Zach" to show you and the first bullet point was "do not love him" and you're just disregarding all my effort and friendship.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

I have to make mistakes myself to learn from them

(256): View more from Alabama

FUCK YOU I AM MAKING A POWERPOINT

Fav 6 1920 1246
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I LOVE YOU SO MUCH I'M ON A WILD DICK CHASE FOR YOU. How many lesbians do YOU know that would do that? HOW MANY????

Fav 7 1649 623
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It's stupid hot. I just want to be laying in a bathtub full of margaritas

Fav 8 1272 616
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just listened to "Eye of the Tiger" and did 5 shots to prep going over to see him.

Fav 7 1703 813
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Good afternoon everyone! Just texting to inform you that Andrew, your emotionally detached man-whore, will be back starting this weekend. Please RSVP.

Fav 4 1824 788
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.

Fav 10 944 1841
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am

Fav 9 2465 872
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

Fav 2 2049 785
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Literally everyone in the bar was absolutely hammered out of their minds. I swear I even saw the bartender swigging jd when he thought no one was looking. And there was me thinking Britain was the booziest nation in the world.

(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to America. You're gonna love it.

Fav 14 3301 866
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I may have farted on a group of children. It may not have been an accident.

Fav 6 2385 959
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

It's my 3rd annual 21st birthday party. Disney themed. There will be blood.

Fav 4 2238 873
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I'm sorry for the texts and anything that I said that may have caused confusion, pain or irritation. I shall not be drinking again. Furthermore I will not be keeping a phone on me should I fail to adhere to the prior statement.

Fav 2 1630 810
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How the hell do you leave a party with a kitten? It's missing and everyone knows it was you.

Fav 8 2793 986
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.

Fav 7 1812 808
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

five cans of playdoh and a game of guess whose penis ...

Fav 5 1433 621
share tweet
(805): View more from California

No more vodka shots for you. Last night you begged a man on your knees to sell you his beard. He had no beard.

Fav 5 2486 812
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

So, since you're now a four night stand, I feel comfortable asking: Did I leave my sunglasses at your house? Or my underwear?

Fav 4 1875 658
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I think we should take up crocheing or stamp collecting....something completely lacking penises

Fav 2 967 1002
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We had a weird moment. Mid-sex he started talking. It went along the lines of "I. FUCKING. LOVE.....this condom..."

Fav 8 1102 1590
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

If there's so much of a hint of a whisper from somebody I didn't tell personally, I will cut off your balls with a chainsaw, cauterize the wound with a flaming rusty spoon, feed your balls to your dog, and feed them to you when he shits them out, capiche?

Fav 22 3436 1198
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Setting up an obstacle course with ladders, hurdles, and a spring board to the pool. you down for drunk races through it later?

Fav 7 1559 671
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I'm sitting at work trying to dust glitter off my pants. I can't hang out with her anymore.

Fav 6 1569 714
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

You mAke me stone. Stone fuck fucking stoned. I'm an stoned you cuz now fucking stoned stoned fucking stoned I stone.

Fav 23 2186 1260
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

WE'RE FINALLY ADMITTING THAT WE DESPERATELY WANT TO SCREW EACH OTHER. THIS IS WHAT PROGRESS FEELS

Fav 5 2619 837
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Why is there a video on my phone of us trying to snort a line of Reeces Pieces with you chanting "This is how fat girls party"?

Fav 8 2091 1101
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

One time she made a chronological chart for the guys she has given blow jobs to, I shit you not.

Fav 6 940 1121
share tweet
(909): View more from California

When the cop tells you to leave the pool, does that mean you have to put your bathing suit back on too?

Fav 6 1603 690
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.

Fav 4 1161 1332
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

Dude, she got on top of me, grumbled in a low voice "I'm going to make you remember me", and then farted.

Fav 30 1559 4293
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I'm kinda amazed by how many times I've texted the word penis today.

Fav 4 1412 728
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I look like one classy bitch running in heels through my backyard while carrying a small dog and a large bottle of booze. How am I still single?

(1-208): View more from Idaho

Seems like you've kicked summer 2012 off well.

Fav 10 1891 699
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

Fav 27 3792 1291
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

You told her dad that you were gonna "superman that ho" I love the first impressions you make

Fav 5 2436 1019
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I'm stealing this baby.

(1-719): View more from Colorado

Well I always support illegal activity but where would you put it?

Fav 5 1604 811
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I need a Jamo leash. Just tie it to my wrist and every time you see me reaching for a shot of it, just yank my hand away

Fav 5 1210 780
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

It's ok, I like adventure. Just ask my vagina.

Fav 14 1974 924
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Something about getting whistled at in my work clothes while crossing the street with three Nuvarings in my back pocket feels wrong.

(1-207): View more from Maine

They want yo temporarily sterile ass.

Fav 9 1747 737
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

He taught me where the gears in a five speed are with his penis.

Fav 7 1951 722
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Welcome to the first annual slutathon and let the men be ever in our favor

Fav 4 2456 909
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I swear god is testing me by giving me awesome guys with tiny penises

Fav 14 957 1723
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I recorded his orgasm, set it as his ringtone, and called him while they were singing happy birthday to his mom. Yeah, revenge is sweet.

Fav 5 3573 955
share tweet
(858): View more from California

This is just what we do. We meet guys, go back to their place, smoke all their weed & go home to compete in out own version of Cupcake Wars.

Fav 9 2050 883
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Just bartered a McD's cheeseburger and fries for two pitchers. Oregon Trail ain't got shit on me.

Fav 5 2060 740
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Can I just put my face in your boobs and forget the world?

Fav 7 2427 843
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I JUST DEFLATED MY BOOB.

(636): View more from Missouri

I DON'T KNOW WHETHER TO LAUGH OR CALL AN AMBULANCE.

Fav 8 931 2219
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future

Fav 4 1328 764
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just got walked in on while fucking in the lounge in the performing arts building. The janitors gave us five minutes to leave and applauded our exit

Fav 9 2238 738
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Why does every bad decision I make wind up having 1000 likes on YouTube?

Fav 7 2220 864
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.

(1-607): View more from New York

Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.

Fav 8 2232 1015
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Successfully masturbated while balancing on an exercise ball. my greatest accomplishment?

(1-715): View more from Wisconsin

Probably

Fav 2 1672 815
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Dude, I just had the best sex of my life in a porta potty at the NCAA girls lax championships but didn't get her name or number. But I have her sunglasses. How is this possible, I'm sad.

(1-631): View more from New York

I love your life.

Fav 10 2094 805
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We see some guy emerge from the forest on the island this morning, alone, in only a snuggie. Morning shots and bagels on us for the number one walk of shame.

Fav 8 2157 802
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

Fav 10 3854 1023
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

He was so good, that I'm pretty sure he fucked his religion into me. P.S. I'm Jewish now.

Fav 9 2460 915
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

That doesn't mean I'm a slut. Unless McFlurries are involved.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

I will rub McFlurries all over you.

Fav 8 1867 876
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

He showed up in a dinosaur costume bearing a tray of cupcakes. He even let me hold his tail. I'm marrying this guy.

Fav 11 2684 903
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

Fav 8 2509 938
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

HOW ARE YOU ALWAYS DRUNK? AND WHERE ARE TOU TRYING TO GO??

Fav 3 1351 710
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I wanna introduce you to my balls, Thunder and Lightning.

Fav 26 1825 1022
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

watched two friends get underages. one had a shirt on that said lets get wasted while the other said to the cop "i understand your just trying to do your job but that was dirty bro".

Fav 9 1148 1368
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

Fav 20 1090 2084
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude she let me install handle bars on her headboard. I should have nailed my boss years ago.

Fav 5 3566 983
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I know shes my ex. And I know she punched me in the face and stole my car to go get drunk. But it's the best sex I've ever had.

(1-310): View more from California

You're sick. Take pictures if you can.

Fav 4 2112 839
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

This is simple. Just sex and high fives. No feelings.

Fav 6 2137 824
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Youre attempt to ruin my night by putting Date Rape by Sublime on my sex playlist failed. She was into it.

Fav 12 3282 1064
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

How would I get in touch with Carly Rae Jepsen if I wanted to thank her for the loss of my virginity?

Fav 7 2211 916
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Climbing out Mr. Friday night's bathroom window. He thinks I'm puking. Be on state st. with the getaway car and if you could bring me a shirt and some advil that'd be dandy.

(426): View more from

So proud. See you in five. I've got coffee.

Fav 12 3493 883
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My Grandma made me promise not to drink more beer, so I'm chugging wine.

Fav 5 1649 756
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

The Deck is crawling with Cougars. Sound the irresponsibility alarm and come drink with me on a Tuesday night.

Fav 4 1854 826
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her roomates have been scoring her hookups. I got 8.9, best of the week!

Fav 11 2401 862
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're in the liquor store 5 minutes before close, and you have to ask the cashier for a coin to flip to make a life decision because "vodka takes you to a bad place," you need to reevaluate your life.

Fav 2 1366 876
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We all make mistakes. Just lock them up deep down inside your mind so they can surface as weird sexual fantasies it takes your therapist years to decipher when your 40

Fav 3 1881 854
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

Fav 15 2232 1144
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

I ate 12 cupcakes in less than 24 hours, so no judgement here.

Fav 6 1266 768
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I feel like I have two modes: Super fuckin high, or super giddy from caffeine. I have learned to accept this.

Fav 2 1389 723
share tweet
(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

Fav 14 3304 983
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Come over we're celebrating the one month anniversary of her first 4/20

Fav 2 1472 637
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Recycling day makes me feel more like an alcoholic than regular days.

Fav 2 1883 811
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I want "hickeys on my ass" sex

Fav 11 2098 826
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I thought monday through wednesday was a YOLO free zone.

Fav 13 1594 822
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

Fav 31 3244 917
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I NEED TO GET TO THE PLAYGROUND. I JUST NEED TO SWING. IF I SWING MAYBE THE SMELL WILL COME OFF OF ME. I NEED TO SWING

Fav 8 1695 999
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

Fav 6 3638 1063
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I need to stop going to bars and yelling "I could be teaching your kids one day, bitches!"

Fav 2 1751 758
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Get your penis over here NOW. emergency

Fav 10 2489 914
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

Fav 6 2691 880
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

At least she'll always have a story about the time she showed up to the emergency room drunk and covered in chocolate syrup on her birthday.

Fav 4 1660 712
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Pretty sure the purpose of joining wine clubs isn't to drink the 2 bottles they send you each month IN THE SAME NIGHT.

Fav 6 1579 733
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

Sometimes I hate my life and then I remember I live in the WORLD CAPITAL OF RUM

Fav 17 1821 801
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

We found him in the backyard throwing shoes onto the roof yelling "WHO BRINGS CROCS TO A HOUSE PARTY?!"

Fav 6 2937 736
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

You started throwing frozen shot glasses at people and you kept saying "it's fine, they melt."

Fav 8 1672 819
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Listen I know you hate her for what she did but this is getting our of hand. Please please tell me where you hid her wedding dress.

Fav 17 3592 1487
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Would it be out of line to take a picture of all the earrings, rings, hairclips, and other miscellaneous girl items that I found under my bed and post it on facebook and tag all the girls that I slept with this year so they can claim their shit and get it out of my house?

Fav 14 4237 931
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.

Fav 5 2217 702
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Exactly. This is the bit where I learn a heartwarming lesson about not making my drinks half vodka

Fav 5 1182 1064
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

He started using my brother's rc helicopter as a beer delivery device. He's a drunk McGyver.

Fav 8 2381 756
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

EVERYONE IS SPEAKING SPANISH. I ONLY KNOW HOLA.

Fav 9 1972 812
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Had sex and ran 2.8 miles all before 7:30am. This is going to be a very productive Monday.

Fav 15 3225 796
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have 3 texts in my phone that say "Thanks King Tyler". I think I've successfully drank myself into a monarchy.

Fav 14 2614 837
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I swear she's a drunk klepto...by the end of the night she had stolen 3 bowling balls. HOW DO YOU STEAL 3 BOWLING BALLS?

Fav 11 2635 826
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

That point of drunk where you're in a bar bathroom and you're like "F*ck you bra! I'm not taking your sh*t anymore! and you take it off and throw it in a trashcan.

Fav 13 2598 971
share tweet
(805): View more from California

OH DEAR GOD. He looks like if u licked him he'd taste like bourbon, sex and sunshine.

Fav 12 2939 934
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Best surprise in my car. A cookie, sliced kiwi and the rest of my margarita. Work is going to be awesome.

Fav 2 1580 734
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I told him that his face would look perfect between my legs. One of my most successful strategies yet.

Fav 10 4398 1050
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently he proposed after he saw me chug vodka out of a traffic cone.

Fav 10 2283 787
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I'm gonna wear a bikini to our final tomorrow...just so he knows that no fucks will be given on his test

Fav 4 2232 833
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

Fav 11 3349 1126
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It took too long for people to come up with things in "never have i ever" so we had to change it to "Don't judge me but.."

Fav 5 5012 1043
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

Fav 14 1568 971
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

one of the RAs is here. he told me his name is optimus prime and then took his shirt off and fell down

Fav 5 2081 1080
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

Fav 4 2174 955
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

Fav 2 2176 749
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

Fav 12 3545 1043
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

Fav 8 3401 880
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

Fav 25 4680 953
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

Fav 11 2339 1357
share tweet
(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

Fav 9 2043 878
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

Fav 17 4554 1183
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

Fav 7 1973 869
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.

Fav 14 1568 774
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

Fav 5 1368 955
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house

Fav 5 1941 671
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

Fav 9 1986 791
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

Fav 5 2315 1016
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

Fav 15 5204 1122
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

Fav 16 3265 903
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

Fav 13 3004 923
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

Fav 11 2543 883
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.

Fav 3 1351 771
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

Fav 14 5319 1126
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.

Fav 11 1474 734
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

Fav 13 3202 973
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in

Fav 17 1058 1844
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

Fav 8 2332 903
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

Fav 12 2446 967
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

Fav 18 2889 1041
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

Fav 8 2724 1002
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

Fav 22 2794 1470
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

Fav 8 1145 1464
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

Fav 14 2892 1207
share tweet
(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

Fav 13 2108 965
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

Fav 4 2555 1000
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

Fav 3 1527 1112
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

Fav 9 911 1601
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

Fav 12 3105 988
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

Fav 15 2707 861
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

Fav 13 1034 1914
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

Fav 9 4216 1124
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

Fav 7 2806 910
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

Fav 6 2713 930
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

Fav 3 1177 1023
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...

Fav 3 1427 696
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

Fav 5 2258 787
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

Fav 6 2708 942
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

Fav 3 1676 748
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

Fav 10 3022 924
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

Fav 8 1934 728
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

Fav 9 2172 864
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

Fav 2 1618 789
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

Fav 20 3223 1026
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

Fav 4 1965 896
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

Fav 9 5817 1147
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

Fav 15 2449 873
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays

Fav 3 1192 710
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

Fav 4 1897 946
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us

Fav 6 827 1330
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.

Fav 1 1815 1339
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

Fav 10 1474 969
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

Fav 6 3642 970
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

Fav 8 3471 968
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!

Fav 9 2365 672
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

Fav 4 2378 962
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

Fav 14 2433 783
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

Fav 5 3624 898
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?

(732): View more from New Jersey

No, I did. It's a long story.

Fav 2 1803 832
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

Fav 11 1956 779
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

Fav 13 3380 997
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

Fav 19 2993 1061
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

Fav 18 3982 1013
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

Fav 18 2480 822
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?

Fav 5 770 1465
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

Fav 5 3139 877
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.

Fav 4 2376 713
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

Fav 8 3380 1414
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

Fav 17 2834 831
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

Fav 11 1936 731
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?

Fav 9 1213 2109
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.

Fav 6 1827 960
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

Fav 3 1744 777
share tweet
(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

Fav 11 2245 883
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

Fav 10 2151 964
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

wine lets you be on time to class apparently

(619): View more from California

This is a dangerous realization

Fav 4 1357 1064
share tweet
(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

Fav 11 3522 830
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

Fav 7 1593 707
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.

Fav 7 1183 855
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

Fav 10 2311 799
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

Fav 4 2483 938
share tweet
(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

Fav 17 5683 1155
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

Fav 9 3163 1129
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

Fav 3 1637 806
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Dude I really need to stop drinking. I chugged a whole bottle of ketchup last night.

Fav 11 772 1871
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

Fav 15 1931 1057
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.

Fav 6 805 2174
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

Fav 5 3707 1016
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?

Fav 9 2104 828
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.

Fav 8 2888 923
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

Fav 7 3654 945
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

Fav 11 2541 798
share tweet
(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

Fav 13 2116 895
share tweet
(707): View more from California

Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.

Fav 6 1897 858
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

Fav 6 2134 983
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

Fav 15 1610 879
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

Fav 15 2447 1551
share tweet
(415): View more from California

We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

(916): View more from California

Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

(415): View more from California

HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

Fav 15 2105 1011
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.

Fav 18 1013 2039
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.

Fav 4 1508 671
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

Fav 17 1183 1659
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

Fav 7 3001 1125
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Drunk me needs to be reminded of my sexual preferences.

(1-530): View more from California

at least it wasnt animals

Fav 3 1255 1701
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

Fav 6 2496 776
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

i love him because he let me keep my UGGS on while we had sex

Fav 19 2051 2345
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

we did shots in class this morning as part of a presentation. WHY AM I LEAVING THIS COUNTRY?!

Fav 8 2690 812
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

Fav 13 4294 1046
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'll probably just close my eyes and point to a random name. That will be my vote.

(513): View more from Ohio

I just realised how much we're failing the women's suffrage movement right now.

Fav 17 988 1875
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

Fav 10 1892 1465
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

Fav 17 6001 1233
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.

Fav 4 1559 988
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Do you have any booze?

(214): View more from Texas

Well I have 60 feet of bubble wrap and a bottle of wine...but I'm saving that for a special girl...

Fav 9 2631 917
share tweet
(823): View more from

Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?

Fav 5 1321 885
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

Fav 16 4342 1195
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

Fav 6 5165 1084
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

my heaven will be filled with hot naked men covered in chick-fil-a sauce and me wearing a bib

Fav 12 1802 952
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I feel like if Miami and New Jersey fucked each other and produced a baby that would summarize the bar I'm in.

Fav 16 1264 2173
share tweet
(916): View more from California

It's hard to take you serious when you're crying your eyes out wearing an adult sized onesie.

Fav 12 2094 996
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

Fav 22 5642 1129
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

Fav 53 8221 1346
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

Fav 15 4455 1210
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I lost track of him after he threw the handful of pennies at the 2 female cops and ran into the darkness. I heard a tazer and a scream. All that is left is his flip flop. Its like hes drunken man-derella.

Fav 10 4224 1136
share tweet
(628): View more from California

That dick who always called me a slut in high school showed up at the clinic with boner problems. Then I was assigned as his nurse. Who's laughing now. I AM.

Fav 56 7414 1259
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

during charades she pointed to herself and you guessed 'girl who wants to fuck me'

Fav 8 6591 1184
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

One of my students in my 8am class brought me a Tim Hortons cup with a bloody Mary in it. Clearly, I didn't manage to look not drunk when I ran into him at Denny's at 4am. Who decided to let me teach?

Fav 7 4698 1051
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

You're making her cookies in enchange for knitting lessons. You will die a virgin.

Fav 7 1761 2027
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I knew my sign language would come in handy. I just used sign to coordinate a coke deal.

Fav 2 2009 1001
share tweet
(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

Fav 13 4992 1251
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I don't remember anything past "we have 15 minutes to drink this keg."

Fav 2 3329 933
share tweet
(510): View more from California

This girl has a mullet weave. I missed oakland.

Fav 7 1096 1490
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Beer vodka and pink lemonade powder mixed together. So. Many. Penises. My vagina will be calling out to them tonight. Coooooooooooooome.

Fav 20 2273 901
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I am ina trunk. Iam in a trunnnnnjkk. I hope its yours. Oh manomanomano. Thids better be your trunk

Fav 13 4174 1460
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Roommate is high and swore off off the diet. Said she wants to make everyone else fat since it'd be easier. She spent today baking 3 dozen brownies for the office tomorrow and is already down to 24.

Fav 5 1725 1042
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

As i was blowing him Silent Night came on his iTunes. I said "it isn't christmas" and he moans "yeah it is."

Fav 34 6321 1724
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Alas, very true. I'll sell some of my eggs and give you like 10%

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And with my 90% I'll get a scooter with a sidecar. And a pony. Also with sidecar.

Fav 10 2630 1016
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

So as your former husband, I get to give you away at the wedding right?

Fav 15 3217 1515
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Incoming: this is a booty call. To accept, please reply with an appropriate time. To reject, please reply "N" and the information will be filed for future reference.

Fav 7 2680 1570
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I expected to wake up with a sext of you posing nude and all I got was a missed call.....disappointed.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sorry I think it was because I lost a chicken nugget in my purse and that's all that was on my mind until 4am

Fav 9 3231 1158
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

Fav 9 2376 965
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

When i say that im working late and also have a paper to write before 9am tomorrow all i want u to respond is saying that ur gunna come over and sexually distract me from my responsibilities. Not a fucking frowny face.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sorry. Im on my way.

Fav 23 6538 1353
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

Fav 8 3905 1221
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

she scratched her sororities letters into my back when she was done. i think i was part of some sick game. sick twisted sexy game

Fav 11 3483 1212
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

Fav 4 3468 1146
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At one point, the guy you were fucking high-fived with the guy I was fucking. We should hang out with them again?

Fav 10 3674 1130
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

Fav 16 4450 1317
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

His dad asked what he was doing so he texted his FATHER a picture of me wearing his shirt in his bed.

Fav 8 3911 1294
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I give him a gold star every time I orgasm. His room looks like he's freaking King Midas.

Fav 13 4415 1037
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

Fav 51 10046 1424
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Some chick just barfed in my math class. Everyone here is hungover. Yay community college

Fav 8 2950 1054
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Im positive, your name was on my abdomen, Im pretty sure thats solid evidence

Fav 3 1179 749
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

Fav 6 2221 933
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.

Fav 18 2625 889
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Haga you didnt jbsii whee wu an therer

(1-949): View more from California

Party on wayne

Fav 9 3151 1061
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you know swallowing does not help chest colds. Your Phd can suck my dick

Fav 6 2553 1043
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Too high to move please buy hi-c and pour it in my mouth in exchange I will marry your first born child

Fav 4 3178 1021
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

Fav 10 5870 1162
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You don't take my phone while I'm passed out, have a three hour conversation on it with Dealer Dave, set up a date with him and NOT TELL HIM THAT HE'S NOT TALKING TO ME.

Fav 4 2255 1357
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You know it was a good weekend when; you leave a bi-lingual letter of apology on top of a stack of cash for hotel housekeeping.

Fav 6 2416 842
share tweet
(209): View more from California

Just had my ass outlined on a bar top with permanent marker and then they carved the imprint into the wood with a knife. I'm famous in the country!

Fav 8 2584 800
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

put me on a leash or i'm going to fuck someone

Fav 16 4004 1117
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Please don't let me drink ever again. I apparently told him he could stay but as there was no room in the bed he'd have to lie on top of me and he'd need to anchor himself on with his penis so he didn't fall off.

Fav 12 6393 1307
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Btw, just wanna point out that you've hooked up with two guys whose birthdays are today. Congratulations, you have a type!

Fav 7 2799 835
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

Fav 9 3516 1060
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

They let me keep the giant cocktail glass because I threw up in it. And made out with the bartender. Europeans are so generous. I'm getting it engraved

Fav 5 2177 790
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

I'm not as easy in Europe as I am in the US

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Only because you can wipe your slut slate clean & start anew. It's a little known benefit of our currency exchange.

Fav 2 2363 837
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Check out this gay circle: I've now hooked up with my ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend, my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend, and most recently my ex's ex-boyfriend's ex-boyfriend's ex-fling.

Fav 33 2679 1471
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

There is a nerf war going on here. I just cleaned the blood out of the fridge

Fav 5 1825 995
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Attn: you have now used your free, one time admission to pleasure town. Thank you for visiting I hope you enjoyed your trip. All future trips to P.T. Will cost you full admission price. We have different pricing plans to accommodate different situations, and remember it is more of a bartering system than a set price. Your patronage is always welcomed and once again thank you for visiting and have a fantastic evening.

Fav 24 3871 1190
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.

Fav 16 3685 947
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Saturday at 4 is jello wrestling sponsored by the senior class council. That's why my school is awesome. Boom.

Fav 10 2716 871
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

Fav 10 3329 956
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Did you guys have sex yet? And don't worry, I broke the ice already by sending this to both of you. So you can just jump right into it. You're welcome.

Fav 20 6945 1190
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The drugstore has summer clearance. I bought you a little mermaid bucket. Now your hangovers will feel more like childhood adventures.

Fav 8 3036 821
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

Fav 17 5172 1071
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Does hooking up with the gay pledge count as hazing?

Fav 12 1767 1252
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

Fav 2 1742 942
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

His mom always writes on my facebook right after we have sex. it's like she knows. with her scary mom psychic powers

Fav 9 2025 1259
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

i just remembered that i did the "single ladies" dance ON THE BAR...fuck you slippery nipples i curse the day i discovered you

Fav 2 2088 782
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

At some point last night Lemondrops turned into me doing shots of vodka and eating sugar packets at the bar.

Fav 3 1646 875
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm just high and in my robe and I would suck a dick for some pizza rolls. I can't talk about your problems right now

Fav 10 2879 994
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's like even though I'm not in college anymore my body still knows it's September and is putting itself into competitive binge drinking mode.

Fav 4 2624 877
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

Fav 12 5470 1125
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Call me when you get off. I have stories about black lesbians in jail begging to braid my hair...

Fav 4 2503 952
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Me and your penis are best friends. You don't know it, but I whisper my secrets whenever I give you blowjobs. We even have a secret handshake. We can't be separated from each other. We just can't.

Fav 14 4778 1804
share tweet
(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

Fav 11 2974 1036
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Ok well I'll be up all night studying if you need a wake up call or a place to put your penis.

Fav 15 5438 1265
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

after i talked him through a bulleted list of why we couldn't have sex he just said "but it would be fun...."

Fav 16 3447 1133
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

He told me since I'm into organics I should know his meat is known locally for its quality and hes hand raised it since age 13.

Fav 13 8841 1444
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Dude. This guy has a ketchup bottle full of jello shots. Best. Thing. Ever.

Fav 8 2264 894
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

Fav 20 3452 1594
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

Fav 21 3711 1378
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

You were screaming across the bar "BUYING US SHOTS ISN'T GOING TO MAKE US STRAIGHT, YA KNOW!!!!!!!!"

Fav 10 2866 914
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

TAing a class of 300 froshies and being so hungover I forgot a bra is my way of making dreams come true.

Fav 13 2725 812
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

Fav 5 3632 1113
share tweet
(556): View more from

Noooo. I told you she WAS a cancer. Not that she HAS cancer. This was the one time being a doctor didnt get you laid you alcoholic bastard

Fav 10 2356 1013
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

Fav 7 2587 887
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I will be sticking my dick in something this weekend. You can either be that something or not. Your decision.

Fav 24 4010 1482
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

Fav 8 2622 960
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

Fav 5 3639 1215
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

Fav 12 3222 1110
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah just got a blowjob at busch stadium during the cardinals game childhood dream realized

Fav 16 2932 870
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Great. Woke up in Ts room wearing one sock, a glove and a beret with a sorrority chick CLEARLY out of my league. Jose Cuervo you ARE a friend of mine.

Fav 6 4063 1640
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I can honestly say I've never had orange soda poured on my vagina before, that's a story for the grand kids

Fav 15 2087 1370
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

heres the thing, we have 120 cans of beer left in the fridge. until thats finished we cant fit food in the fridge

Fav 13 3753 845
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

how the fuck is Katelyn 5'1" and 85 lbs and she tackled a bouncer to the ground?

Fav 19 4829 1109
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I'm sneaking you alcohol into a hospital. This either says love or "we have a problem"

Fav 4 2244 1042
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

Fav 8 2237 865
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry i ruined our friendship with a boner

Fav 7 2247 1592
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Would you be offended if I asked you to smoke a blunt with me while I pooped?

Fav 10 2010 1306
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

IF SOMEONE ASKS YOU IF YOU WANT THE GOOD DRUGS YOU SAY YES.

Fav 7 2666 965
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

Fav 2 1987 861
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

Does having a sippy cup full of wine, at an outlet mall, qualify you as 'having a problem'?

Fav 18 2032 1062
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

There was a guy on the elevator dressed as santa in flip-flops giving away beer.

Fav 6 2862 897
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

No matter what I do you still love me. It's like loving a retarded kid. A retarded kid that keeps trying to sleep with you.

Fav 4 3064 1295
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Were you paying girls to come up and grab my cock and tell me I look like bradley Cooper?

Fav 17 4598 1115
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

As the guy I'm having sex with on the side I shouldn't ask you how to dump my boyfriend. But you are the most emotionally detached person I know.

Fav 8 2769 1215
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

You know, last years football game was epic, but seeing the same girl that gave you a bj in the parking lot, in the same parking spot...that's fate.

Fav 6 2604 905
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

Fav 10 2938 856
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I want to wear something that says I'm a lady (but I have condoms!)

Fav 10 3624 1049
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

Fav 5 4159 1124
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

If anyone from work finds out about us I will rip your dick off, sew it to your forehead and feed your balls to you like little grapes

Fav 29 4457 1605
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

Fav 7 4678 1637
share tweet
(565): View more from

It's not quite a landing strip... It's more like a soul patch for my vagina.

Fav 14 2397 1156
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I may or may not have traded sexual favors for Disney on Ice tickets.

Fav 10 2896 994
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

DIN'T JUSGE NE.

Fav 15 4536 1199
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

Fav 3 1851 1315
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

He drives a BMW. I have to fuck him. Girl Code Rule #26.

Fav 22 2549 1331
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

Fav 5 2601 1011
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

Fav 1 2458 914
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

Fav 17 2229 911
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played

Fav 7 2089 1291
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

Fav 5 2581 1246
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

You should know that Team Beyonce's Vagina dominated in pong last night

Fav 3 2000 822
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

My google searches from last night: tetanus shot rabbit bite, Bacardi gluten free

Fav 2 1880 833
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I wish pancakes were everywhere. Just pancakes. I want lilies at my wedding. No dress. Just priest. Just lilies.

Fav 3 2295 844
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

Fav 8 4189 981
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i mean, what better way to remind him of his failures in life than to fuck his roommate/fraternity brother?

Fav 8 2163 1306
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.

Fav 2 1657 1328
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Just took 4 secret shots in his bathroom to not remember him naked.

Fav 3 1063 2346
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Also, I am ligit concerned that I might compulsively start collecting vibrators like Pokemon.

Fav 9 2273 878
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

Fav 5 2691 957
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I've never seen a homeless man jog to get off the bus and then run to his panhandling spot because he's "late for work," but you see something new every day.

Fav 10 4283 1555
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Your wedding's just one more day in my life I can't wear sweat pants.

Fav 5 2319 1479
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I knew it was going to be a good night when i heard another girl call his dick "Thor's Hammer"

Fav 11 3040 860
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

On monday, while we were having crazy monkey sex, I earned $82. Vacation pay rocks.

Fav 4 2500 734
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Being high is an amazing excuse. I was using him for the potential of a beret, come on. I'd do that sober.

Fav 2 1356 799
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

Fav 14 4268 1202
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know how I got here... but I think I'm in a Christian Impact meeting... I'm trying to act as straight as possible. They can sense gay.

Fav 8 4328 1320
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just sent you a google doc listing all the reasons why I should stop hooking up with him. Feel free to add to it.

Fav 6 2135 985
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

Fav 6 4441 1253
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Need help. Super baked. Stuck on couch. Dying of thirst. Bring paint thinner or something to pry me off. Only thumbs and neck work.

Fav 6 2767 1237
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

Fav 9 3394 1055
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I'm really sorry I gave you road head last night and made you drive over and break the sprinkler system.

Fav 14 2308 1489
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar

Fav 10 2554 1344
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

Fav 3 4213 1025
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm impressed you managed to decipher 'annslqllpprebBcncnj' into 'I'm drunk at the Vic, come pick me up and do me on the kitchen table'

Fav 4 4079 997
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to let you in on my two latest life goals. Have a photograph of me squirting whipped cream into a midget's mouth, and have sex on a roof.

Fav 6 1951 879
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

Fav 4 2292 863
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

Fav 8 2567 1230
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Don't remember shit. It was only until I saw the glaze on my forearm that I knew you drove to get donuts last night. I also spent 20$ there apparently

Fav 6 1955 923
share tweet
(818): View more from California

She was shaking her boobs and I was so high all I could think was "breast maracas"

Fav 13 4522 1198
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Just got super judged by a walmart cashier for buying diet pills and candy in the same transaction. Like she has her life figured out.

Fav 8 5006 1301
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

No it's cool, He's been doing my English papers in exchange for lap dances since the eleventh grade. We're very professional.

Fav 8 2843 1410
share tweet
(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

Fav 4 3369 1043
share tweet
(951): View more from California

My ex was here I looked him in the eyes when I grabbed some other guy by his belt and dragged him to a room

Fav 26 4972 1669
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently emptying half-full wine bottles from fridge into my mouth and refilling with water for later. Drunk survivalist recycling!

Fav 0 1926 821
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

Fav 4 5780 1299
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This morning two of his housemate threw confetti over me, started singing and handed me a make shift trophy out of cereal boxes and beer cans that said 'Harry's Virginity' on it. Fucking brilliant!

Fav 7 4772 1074
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

Fav 21 4717 1268
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

what is the protocol for being hungover enough to vomit in a potted plant during my botany lecture?

Fav 4 1057 1739
share tweet
(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

Fav 3 4004 1243
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

Fav 7 3640 1087
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

Fav 10 4871 1229
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I left myself a trail of jello shots, that ended at his door. OR maybe he left me a trail of jello shots at his door. DO I GO IN!?

Fav 9 3637 998
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

remind me to get a blood sugar test this week. I'm pretty sure I'm a mojito away from diabetes.

Fav 0 1688 1159
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

Fav 6 3999 934
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh my god, I am the best RA ever. I'm teaching my freshman girls how to deep throat on bananas as a group bonding activity. I'm making the religious ones eat them for potassium.

Fav 11 5014 1091
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

Fav 10 1755 2260
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

A stranger just came up to me and asked why I hadn't texted him, and if he was just a one night stand. I live for these moments.

Fav 6 3043 1221
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

Fav 6 2340 981
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

Fav 13 4309 1891
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.

Fav 5 1688 1188
share tweet
(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

Fav 11 3680 1235
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

Fav 8 3094 1137
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Remember when spice girls "Two Become One" came on just as we were about to fuck? talk about a boner jam

Fav 5 2223 880
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

you were trying to control your nosebleed while having someone hold your four loko while you drank it through a straw. all at the same time. that is commitment.

Fav 7 2051 791
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Just saw two dudes run across the street carrying a mini keg and a scaled model of the empire state building. Missed this town

Fav 1 2393 892
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

No, we talked about it. They're cool with me living here as long as I sleep with them both.

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

You're a rent hooker.

Fav 14 4048 1391
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Like I couldn't describe it to you but if they did a lineup of penises i'd be able to pick it out.

Fav 10 2277 1032
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

Fav 3 2047 762
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

Fav 5 3158 1150
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

They just kept handing me shots and saying welcome to college

Fav 10 3636 852
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Can u check his last FB check in, then come pick me up from there. Blame it on the tequila

Fav 4 1997 875
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

Fav 14 4437 1247
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have yet found the courage to put pants on. No judgement thursday led to no shower friday and now no pants saturday. God i miss college.

Fav 2 2280 825
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You looked like my 4th grade science fair volcano project when you burped. Told you chugging a 40 would be awesome.

Fav 4 2026 1054
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

someone who i have in my phone as thundercock just said he was DTF

Fav 20 3587 942
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Second night back. Go to house party and played ring of fire. Me plus five other people completely naked. College wins.. It's going to be a long semester

Fav 7 2020 1018
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I have a video (on my shattered iphone) of a random DJ at some bar giving me a birthday shoutout and texts from random numbers talking about birthday sex. My birthday is in April... Happy birthday to me?

Fav 5 2761 990
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

According to FB I fucked in a field 365 days ago.

Fav 5 2768 985
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

hr gave me pretxwk salad and a doubke shot of grey goose. i approve! tou guys are a beautidil couple.

Fav 11 1760 1080
share tweet
(428): View more from

she screamed "gravy"!!! in the guys face and then stole the very large mans food in line ahead of us... that was just the beginging of the police report.

Fav 3 2204 1051
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

In mid-threesome, need more condoms. Wearing a sheet to the gas station. I'll keep you posted

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

it is a toga and you are a goddess.

Fav 15 5213 1141
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just realized that there are baby oil soaked hand prints on the wall over my bed. Last night was a good night.

Fav 7 2937 942
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Exactly. So he deserves crazy "thanks for keeping me out of jail" sex. Or an "I'm glad your excessive cocaine habit had some positive outcomes" blowjob.

Fav 9 2094 1334
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

She was puking in a plastic bag while cleaning where she puked on the floor. She knows how to multitask.

Fav 5 1776 994
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

In need of cum proof mascara. Don't judge me.

Fav 18 2840 1215
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

Fav 9 2589 1031
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Things I can say. There is a photo of me pouring whipped cream into a midgets mouth.

Fav 3 2040 961
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

You do realize there's a subtle difference between not remembering your outfit from april 17th of last year vs forgetting that last night you undressed in the street and were grabbing every dick you could reach, right?

Fav 6 2335 1040
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Home. Barefoot. Drunk. Crying. Puked. Brushed teeth. Washed face. Dying. Need Cuddle.

Fav 9 1612 2267
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The bouncers kicked us out around 3 so we went to the grocery store flasks in hand and asked them to turn up their music...

Fav 7 3012 1056
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

He puked, did more shots, and then pissed in a drawer. We thought it was bad enough and all of a sudden...boom-clothes come off and he passes out with slippers and a styrofoam hat on and a guitar hero guitar in hand pretending he was slash.

Fav 7 2217 1091
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

Fav 6 4003 1016
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

he paid for dinner at the eiffel tower. drinks at a bar on the champs elysees. gave me a motorcycle ride back to his house, got us heineken and then took me to park overlooking paris. where he ate me out on a park bench. still have doubts about the french?

Fav 26 7867 1360
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

You are too young to settle down enjoy your life. The window to get drunk and have casual sex with strangers gets smaller by the day.

Fav 10 3131 1199
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.

Fav 3 2316 1250
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

Fav 9 2891 1186
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs

Fav 8 2304 1365
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Even the bar was yelling boobs, so of course the shirt came off

Fav 9 2667 1067
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

Fav 8 2264 1272
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I will come to your office dressed as a bloody mary, hug you then leave is that a good plan?

(1-503): View more from Oregon

yes. bring a barf bucket too. just. in. case.

Fav 1 1552 908
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

you can think of my virginity as your little souveneir from our relationship.

Fav 5 2633 1341
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I consider myself an expert at getting drunk and embarrassing people at weddings.

Fav 6 1901 955
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I obviously couldn't but this on your fbook wall. I would get judge. I would willingly get tbagged by him. You can quote me on that.

Fav 3 1775 995
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i'll get you drunk even if i have to inject alcohol into your arm through an IV

(802): View more from Vermont

you're the only one i would trust to do that

Fav 8 2843 1094
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

AND OMG I HOPE YOU ARE GREAT WITH CHILD. COOK THAT BUN!

Fav 4 1182 1907
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

Fav 24 7883 1504
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

Fav 11 4242 1464
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

uhh when the x-ray tec was moving your head you licked his hand and meowed.. i think he knew you weren't sober

Fav 4 4155 1213
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

Fav 18 1533 3532
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I only remembered where urgent care was because it's across the street from my favorite bar

Fav 5 1907 775
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony

(289): View more from Ontario

Yeah I know, the people below me already told me

Fav 5 3122 1007
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

Fav 14 8903 1453
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

They said an hour before I even see a doctor...and they noticed the shots tally on my arm.

Fav 4 1939 1011
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

Fav 25 1694 3352
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

Fav 7 3824 1252
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Do you have any idea how hard it is to concentrate on legal issues with the ghost of his giant penis in me?

Fav 9 3011 1083
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I like my landing strip. Makes me feel sophisticated.

(805): View more from California

What you did last night can never be called sophisticated. I don't care how you trim your pubes.

Fav 6 3237 1154
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

TINY HANDS NOT FOR BUTTHOLES

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

This is going everywhere on the internet.

Fav 8 3456 1207
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

there's a picture of you and pauly shore at a starbucks on my phone

Fav 6 2693 938
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Fixing to yell "you're too hot for her" at a Gerard butler look alike. There is absolutely no way this is going to end well...

Fav 3 2201 831
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

VODKAVODKAVODKAYESSSS

Fav 3 2694 1042
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

Fav 3 2176 933
share tweet
(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

Fav 11 5393 1181
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?

Fav 6 3387 1113
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

Fav 34 7525 2358
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Update: we are pushing the start of day drinking back from 9 am to 10 am. Minor delay.

Fav 4 1959 1071
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You are such a cockblock sometimes

(661): View more from California

You NEED a cockblock sometimes

Fav 10 4960 1348
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Tonight when I'm getting a bj from a stripper I'm gonna imagine it's you bobbing down there

Fav 16 1974 2397
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

This is probably the only time in my life I'm going to be able to say I'm going to the hospital too smoke weed and play Mario kart.

Fav 17 3328 1175
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So essentially hes paying me $150k/year for the rest of his career to not have sex

(773): View more from Illinois

SERIOUSLY? WTF! why cant I find a super hot, super gay, super conservative christian NFL player in need of a beard?

Fav 22 3826 1122
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Sarah likes to play this game where she leaves her thongs at every party. she hides them where hopefully gf's will find them. I caught her naked from the waste down in my freezer this morning

Fav 13 2578 1121
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I hope he says my name when they're having anniversary sex this weekend.

Fav 10 1636 2221
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

He literally said to me "go ahead and answer that text message while I eat you out"... Maybe I AM the relationship type...

Fav 12 4770 1205
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Typcal friday morning so far. Puke, shower, commute/puke, coffee, puke, coffee, bagel, good to go. Lunch today?

Fav 3 2074 1105
share tweet
(408): View more from California

The bosnian sent me a sext with his dick next to a comcast remote. It went up to the "stop" button. Ironic and appropriate. Grab your remote and imagine it.

(408): View more from California

You've ruined television for me.

Fav 4 2853 1205
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

Fav 8 3233 987
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

Fav 5 2539 1677
share tweet
(707): View more from California

And the clouds opened up and the sex gods said I hate you alfalfa

Fav 12 2239 1191
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

So "Abstinence August" was a bust. Maybe I'll try for "Sex-free September" or "Only if we're facebook official October"

Fav 8 4332 1237
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

why is it ever time u get laid i end up having to clean something twice? you have no idea how hard it is to wash smugged ass cheeks off the counter

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

there not mine if that helps

Fav 6 2536 1191
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.

Fav 6 2874 1317
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

Fav 4 3369 1089
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Yeah? Well I'm currently predrinking downstairs in my room by myself. Absolut and water with a hint of mint because I'm using the glass I keep my toothbrush in. Fuck, you bitches better get off work soon.

Fav 2 2321 1349
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I think that the winner of this years fantasy football league should get naming rights to you child

Fav 9 2166 1053
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Hey just wanted to let you know my nose is broken and I have a fractured wrist. I told you it wasn't a slip and slide.

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

Dude I didn't think you'd do it. I mean come on, who puts a slip and slide on their driveway?

Fav 4 1637 2137
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Im also drinking whiskey while on a treadmill wearing high heels so let's consider that for a moment.

Fav 20 3356 1210
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm at a winery and there's a 50 yr old woman sitting at a table alone with a bottle of wine and the only time I've seen her get up is to harass the hot dog guy

Fav 5 1811 856
share tweet
(760): View more from California

all i know is that i listed him in my phone as 'vagina cookies.' that can only be a good thing.

Fav 6 2184 886
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

like teasing for 28 minutes, then the very last 2 minutes is where is ALL goes down. I'm talking, rings off, stable sitting position, hand job madness.

Fav 7 1617 1017
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Wtf. I just got invited to a threeway bj session in the bathroom at boiler. Lmao

Fav 7 1671 932
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

We need to pull ourselves out of this slump. We need dick and lots of it. We are going to fuck our way to happiness.

Fav 12 3241 936
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I would never do this in real life. It's only college.

Fav 4 3078 1217
share tweet
(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

Fav 12 3580 1271
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?

Fav 12 3149 971
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

This honesty session brought to you by jagermeister inc.

Fav 3 2784 959
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

There were penises being pulled out everywhere.

Fav 17 2276 1024
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sitting here in nothing but my panties, eating beef jerky and reese's for breakfast.Today is not the day to expect me to make sound life decisions.

Fav 10 2635 969
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Whatever. He's going to tie me up tonight whether he wants to or not.

Fav 12 3408 1011
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I was in a house full of lesbians and they were all staring at me. I felt like the last cresent roll on Thanksgiving.

Fav 10 4472 1459
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Had no idea what his name was when I woke up. Went through his desk, found his tax records. Ben. And loaded.

Fav 6 6041 1173
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

Fav 6 3091 1145
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.

Fav 50 8357 1263
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

He said he had a problem he needed to take care of before we got omelets and then showed me his erection.

Fav 18 4477 1374
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

Fav 19 3495 2057
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

You flooded my bathroom while trying to construct a hot tub. All three of you were completely naked.

Fav 4 2517 891
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

All I kmoe is rheres a coffee pot full pf vodka in my purse

Fav 5 2086 1009
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I used the picture of my mom and I doing blow job shots in Vegas in the presentation for my Spanish final. Graduation here I come.

Fav 4 1931 822
share tweet
(424): View more from California

you said you wanted to feel how much my penis weighed for educational purposes

Fav 5 3148 937
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

Fav 8 1154 2994
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up went to throw me on his bed. I landed on the wood frame. That's how I broke my rib. We still fucked. Thanks tequila. Best injury ever

Fav 10 3835 1384
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

Fav 9 4570 1231
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

So I realized I was officially over him when I was getting a lap dance on the keg bus at 3am from his old boss and I was double fisting:)

Fav 7 2226 1083
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

Fav 9 4140 1307
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

Fav 32 2139 6313
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I mostly enjoyed dancing with him because his boner was scratching my bug bites.

Fav 13 2834 1786
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We need to reprogram your vagina to say "no"

Fav 7 2716 1321
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

His fuck buddy just got fake tits and wants him to 'come break them in.' I need his life.

Fav 12 3953 991
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

Fav 11 3871 1084
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

Fav 7 3653 1165
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

It was just a friend comforting a friend. Except his penis was inside of me.

Fav 12 4566 1150
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

It's sad that your definition of adulthood entails banging your boss after getting hammered at happy hour, and putting the tab on the company credit card.

Fav 6 3107 952
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

Fav 2 2510 1299
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

Fav 17 7811 1402
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I'll still trying to understand the context of your "punch her with my cock" comment.

Fav 9 1981 980
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

Fav 5 4396 1004
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?

Fav 9 2432 914
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

If it's not soft enough to fuck on, then we're not getting the new rug.

Fav 6 2517 1005
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

Fav 8 3314 1199
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Dear Derek. I would like to offer my sincerest apology for the 2 to 6 text messages you are about to read. Also for the 15 minute voicemail, which may or may not have sent. Sincerely, Sober Katie

Fav 4 2811 1087
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently as she was dragging me out of the club, I was clinching onto this european guy screaming at Jenna: that's the 12th time you've cockblocked me tonight

Fav 5 1773 923
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

That just sounds like a recipe for sex in my backyard. Yes.

Fav 3 1943 841
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

Fav 14 4759 1230
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Oh my gosh they are following me around the bar

(1-336): View more from North Carolina

Blow your rape whistle

Fav 22 3331 1395
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Why is there bacon braided in my hair

Fav 15 3650 1258
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

Fav 10 2591 1194
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I could hear them screwing through my bedroom wall again this morning, so I started beat boxing to the tempo.

Fav 6 3954 1309
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I fucked a 6'7 Danish man. In the ocean. At 5am. Greetings from Florida!

Fav 13 4123 1133
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Now all we have to do is pretend we haven't seen each other naked. Work tomorrow is going to be FUN.

Fav 12 2874 1409
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im standing in line right now while the 711 manager calls other locations to see if they have the john cena collectors slurpee cup in stock...yep i need to get laid

Fav 8 1103 2319
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

the lady at the gas station just thanked me for wearing clothes this time... i am so confused

Fav 7 3312 907
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He tried to fight me not realizing that I work as a bouncer in the the same bar we were in. His night ended with him in handcuffs, missing teeth, PLUS I got his shots that he ordered since he didn't get to drink them.

Fav 16 3806 1038
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

if you spike my cofee one more time im gona fuck you up. im presenting to the mayor in sevven fucking minuets. fuck you and youir fucking bartending classses i am so fuckign fcked

Fav 24 5632 2404
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

the problem with having sex for lunch when its 98 degrees outside is that I can't tell if its sweat or semen running down my leg as I walk back in the office

Fav 18 3083 2683
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

The bank teller laughed at me....I'm apparently that fucking hungover looking

(920): View more from Wisconsin

All I wanted was my $85. Judgement free. But nooooo

Fav 9 2489 1097
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

Fav 9 2979 1191
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

Fav 18 4539 2368
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Just think. Tomorrow you'll wake up, shower, and get your brains fucked out. That's your ice cream. Today is your peas and carrots.

Fav 4 3346 1010
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

If I sleep with another Spanish guy it is officially renamed my senor year.

Fav 9 3168 1176
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

You called yourself Captain Aspirin and then tried to cure my headache by shoving pills up my nose. Fuck you becoming a nurse, you can't take care of me while you're drunk ever again. Ever.

Fav 3 2514 1211
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He deleted all his profile pics with her. It was like the bat signal for single women everywhere.

Fav 4 3376 999
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

Fav 8 2897 1202
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

She sat on the stairs and yelled sex positions at us. I don't remember if we went along with it but judging by the beer and condoms I'm thinking yes.

Fav 5 2739 1555
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Clusterfucked is a frowned upon word in work related emails

Fav 12 3797 1314
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

Fav 4 2273 1093
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

He's coming back with me for the week. It took me saying "I don't wanna drive myself home... I'm better as a passenger giving road head" for him to jump at it. Rack another one up for my magical openings.

Fav 6 2518 1138
share tweet
(925): View more from California

370HSSV 0773H read that upside down

(1-925): View more from California

what are you doing with your life

Fav 19 5534 1769
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

Fav 4 3066 1151
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

Fav 7 4670 1236
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

Fav 16 6983 1361
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

Fav 10 2705 1155
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I can't believe they didnt cut us off after we all hugged each other and started singing "were the 3 best friends that anybody could have" RIGHT IN FRONT of the bar and bartender...

Fav 25 2804 1365
share tweet
(50): View more from

I paid some man $10 for his shirt last night cause I liked it. Explains that. Bought the jackolope head from a street vendor. Got invited to someone's hotel rooftop swimming pool which explains why I was in my bathing suit. My clothes from last night are MIA. Going over the border with no pants on is awkward. Origins of the car rim still mysterious.

Fav 5 3295 1119
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Cops do not care. One just laughed and said "precious"

Fav 4 3239 1087
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't even type what I drank. I'll throw up

Fav 5 3024 1299
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Your never gonna wash that desperation outta that sweatshirt you know.

Fav 5 1045 1618
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

Fav 12 2595 1143
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

Fav 4 2033 976
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

Fav 25 6602 1708
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

Fav 24 8270 1679
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Chapter 6 - how to lose your underwear in chicago

Fav 4 2233 938
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

Fav 4 3389 1123
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

Fav 11 4392 1228
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The only thing in that hotel room that we didn't fuck on was the roof

Fav 7 2795 990
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

like he couldn't stop by and throw me in the back seat and ask for a blowjob? he had to give me flowers?

Fav 7 2636 1132
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

Fav 2 2359 1015
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

Fav 6 3350 1122
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

Fav 8 2988 1170
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude it was a mini horse. It obviously only eats mini things.

Fav 4 3602 1723
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Im sorry for drunkenly throwing your phone into the ocean. At the time it seemed like a good way for you not to text him

Fav 7 2996 1369
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

Fav 11 3404 1062
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

Fav 4 2744 1011
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

Fav 9 3102 1222
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He only dropped the Russian accent after we started having sex.

Fav 11 2377 1114
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I think ppl see us as an unstoppable drunken force

Fav 4 2431 1028
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

So did u puke in his bathroom or all over his Olympic medals? Please say medals...

Fav 13 2430 935
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.

Fav 18 4754 1129
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

Fav 27 3443 924
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.

Fav 6 2757 1330
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

I JUST MET THE GIANT MAN THAT WILL CARRY ME FROM PLACE TO PLACE

Fav 8 4251 1179
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

Fav 9 1669 3167
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

Fav 4 3343 994
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

How many times can I tell him that I wasn't expecting sex before he finally figures out that I'm just too lazy to shave?

Fav 17 1983 2643
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah a little bit of me felt bad about it. But the rest of me was having sex with him.

Fav 5 3519 1055
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.

Fav 8 1807 1703
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

Fav 6 3322 1147
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

Fav 2 2490 1067
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

They ran through the sprinklers in front of campus police, shirtless. Singing "love is a battlefield"

Fav 8 3239 1048
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Rain ponchos don't count as shirts at the bar. FYI.

Fav 5 2195 1123
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

It was smashing those cupcakes into my face that did it. Junk food and I don't mix.

Fav 7 1097 1578
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

It was a cry at the bar alone type of night, served with a side of passing out facedown in my nachos.

Fav 4 1058 2815
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

When they arrested me, they gave me a bracelet with my mugshot and info. When you get one they can be our BFF Bracelets.

Fav 7 3773 1048
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

she's a kindergarten teacher now. The teacher desks are the perfect height for fucking. I'm delaying the break up a few weeks.

Fav 12 3255 1212
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Idk if you remember me telling you about him, but I gave him a hj under the stars. Kind of added a little disney aspect to the whole experience.

Fav 8 2415 888
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I've gotta stop getting kicked out of bars for fighting with people over the accuracy of the Harry Potter movie.

Fav 23 7110 1578
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

He got me coffee AND filled up my gas tank. He must've fucked another girl in my car..

Fav 14 2998 1456
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?

Fav 12 4548 1372
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

Fav 9 2559 1035
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

Fav 13 2641 1605
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I wish we could skip the pretense of being normal and just start drinking wine with breakfast

Fav 6 2778 1155
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

Fav 5 5236 1249
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

The liquor store was handing out free shots of some new expensive vodka, but they caught on the fourth time we came back in different outfits. Politics.

Fav 7 3734 1069
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

Fav 23 4556 1275
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I hate about 85% of people that I meet. I'm an awful person. In reality my only redeeming qualities are my face, my amazing scissoring skills and the fact that children love me.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

True on all accounts.

Fav 13 3856 1323
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I can't look at him without thinking about his cum face

Fav 5 1467 2526
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

There is a guy dressed as Captain America in the theatre. I want to make out with him even though I have no idea what he looks like. Wish me luck, I'm going in.

Fav 7 3217 1084
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Woaahhhh there! We are JUST drunk fucking. Don't call me "baby".

Fav 14 4579 1368
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wish I could open my skin and just take a little peek at my liver. You know, just to see if it's rotten yet or still perfect looking.

Fav 5 2674 1072
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Im pretty sure you told the waiter at Dennys last night to take your pants off or show a nipple.

Fav 4 1980 908
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

They glued all of the ceiling tiles shut.

(808): View more from Hawaii

oh my god. you caused complete remodeling to a college campus that you don't even go to

Fav 7 3507 1045
share tweet
(559): View more from California

His sombrero wouldn't fit in the car and I had to buy him some Jack to make him stop bitching. You owe me

Fav 6 2061 909
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

Fav 16 3190 1008
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

Fav 3 1777 1157
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

Fav 8 3701 1098
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

Fav 4 2223 949
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

honestly, i just want you to have sex with him too so that you can fully understand my appreciation of his dick as well.

Fav 8 2631 1587
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

Fav 4 3791 1004
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He had to carry me to the car. But then sat with me and waited for me to sober up enough to have sex. He's a keeper.

Fav 8 4633 1213
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

Fav 18 4159 1490
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

I know this request is pointless but you two please try to keep the drinking and drug use to a minimal, I have bail money so write my number on your arm and a "if found call", wear a life jacket and act like a responsible 28 year old please.

Fav 9 4902 1400
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"

Fav 16 1789 983
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

She scratched my sunburn during sex. I didn't know whether to cry or cum

Fav 11 2838 1318
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

Fav 8 3199 1096
share tweet
(619): View more from California

His penis will pick the quickest route to vagina. it's like an biological onstar.

Fav 8 2718 1097
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

Fav 30 3773 1987
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

Fav 7 3225 1280
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

Fav 13 3964 1613
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

Fav 9 3345 1015
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

We were just talking bout putting on helmets and going fo a car ride just to see how ppl react. I will def fit in here haha

Fav 4 1823 850
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Are you asking me on a date where we get shithoused and do some fingerpainting?

Fav 11 2575 846
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight just feels like one of those I'm going to lose a shoe nights.

Fav 4 2651 1145
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

Fav 6 3090 1125
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You sir are most definitely in. Better get your penis an umbrella as that bad boy is gonna get soakkkkkkeddddd.

Fav 16 5228 1284
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Wow way to turn my death into an oppurtunity to get laid

Fav 16 2695 1259
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

Fav 9 2598 1402
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah they are definitely having sex in that car. joe just yelled through the window telling them to do the "titanic hand print thing"

Fav 9 4675 1331
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I rode on his Vespa around Florence and fucked him in an empty train. It was like a way sluttier version of Lizzy McGuire

Fav 6 6163 1085
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

dude, I feel like I need to get my gf's roommate a gift. something that says, sorry you walked in on me getting blown. suggestions?

Fav 23 2858 898
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

we got cut off at 8 am. He spilled his drink three times on the plane. this should be one hell of a vegas trip

Fav 3 2317 886
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he was wearing ninja turtle pajamas and he STILL got laid. who the fuck is this guy?!

Fav 19 5014 1083
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

At this point I just want to meet a man with a job.

Fav 13 1983 1780
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Ohh man do you know how awkward it is to keep eye contact and have a normal conversation with someone while their hand is in your vagina?

Fav 20 4250 1254
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

After all the hair products he's stolen from me, he better fucking be gay.

Fav 4 2620 1051
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i had them turn on teen mom at the bar so i wouldnt be tempted to go home and make babies with the guy next to me

Fav 9 3708 1256
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

Fav 7 3340 1133
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

Fav 12 4075 1193
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

There were gay boys and a jukebox. It was like god wanted me to.

Fav 7 2305 1281
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?

Fav 7 2606 1218
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.

Fav 13 937 2548
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.

Fav 10 2464 830
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Need your help. He's locked himself in the bathroom with his bong and his childhood collection of Goosebumps books.

Fav 17 4544 1046
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

We should tie ourselves together anytime there is any type of alcohol involved. It's the safest way. I either end up with freshmen or weird ex bfs. You end up with a large cowboy. This is not good for us

Fav 12 2516 1080
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just couldn't load the family groceries on to the same seat where I had sex 12 hours ago.

Fav 7 2510 895
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Seius question. Does a penis floar when ina baht? Must find out.

Fav 18 2404 1284
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

So I woke up in a strange bed with a note taped to my arm giving me directions back to my brothers apartment.

Fav 6 3103 1072
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

high enough to want to lick peanut butter off of Michael Buble's vocal chords as he serenades me.

Fav 9 2855 1242
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

You were basically naked. Just covered in pink duck tape and feathers. I'd have to say this is beyond the slutty mark..

Fav 12 2391 985
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?

Fav 7 2263 994
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You try staying up all night fucking a guy with a curved dick and see how much you want to go out after that.

Fav 14 2048 1557
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i convinced her i need a blow job every morning to wake up because i have a medical condition.

Fav 16 5796 1172
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.

Fav 15 1184 4176
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

Fav 5 3151 1226
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

almost getting arrested is turning into fucking this cop in his ex wife's lawn. see you tomorrow

Fav 13 4841 1202
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

Fav 10 2821 1396
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

Fav 23 5607 1716
share tweet
(760): View more from California

can you blow me for old times sake

(951): View more from California

only for old times sake

Fav 9 4171 1091
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

Fav 33 5109 1295
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

Fav 9 3458 1199
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Second wave of rafting ended in a concussion. Don't worry though, the paramedic says it's still not considered a DUI.

Fav 6 2449 1099
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just took the worst coed shower ever. We both cried. AND I only shaved one leg.

Fav 11 1093 3180
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

Fav 9 3047 1132
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm like the Mother Theresa of booty calls.

Fav 6 1829 948
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I brought him to this party even though we're not together anymore because we made a bet on who would have sex first, and it is a sausage fest up in here.

Fav 7 3114 882
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I love being Chipotle's first beer sale of the morning.

Fav 5 2534 883
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

looking at that huge scar on my leg from when i got drunk at 9 AM and walked into a grill. so excited for football season to start again!

Fav 1 1908 885
share tweet
(714): View more from California

You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

Fav 10 2349 1051
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

Fav 6 3892 968
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

Fav 11 4954 1498
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I only get commercials for vodka and Rogaine now. You're exactly right, Hulu. That's exactly right.

Fav 2 2244 1351
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just saw a 300lb woman fall down. Shes screaming like a beached manatee. Her 120lb boyfriend is trying to push her up. It's like watching an infant try to bench

Fav 20 6064 1759
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i have learned 4:30 is too early to start pregamming for the midnight harry potter

Fav 7 2885 1264
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's almost as awesome as vicodin.

(513): View more from Ohio

Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you

Fav 8 2735 967
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just saw all the pictures from the party. I'm wearing a different shirt in every single one.

Fav 4 4499 952
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up to three voicemails from you. In the first one you just straight laughed for 3 minutes. In the second you did bird calls. In the third you were hysterically crying. Have fun last night?

Fav 8 7165 1340
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Well if he truly loves me he will just have to accept my flaws. And that includes a tequila dependency and borderline lesbianism.

Fav 14 4782 1284
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Two girls just making out in the elevator. Didn't stop when the doors opened. Part of me didnt mind, but part did. Bc I wanted to get on the elevator without it getting awkward. Am I gay?

Fav 14 2470 1212
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I walked up to him, mumbled something incoherently, then started to make out with him. Why does this always happen.

Fav 9 2612 1107
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

Fav 38 4593 4874
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Stripper pole. Sore legs. More vaca money.

Fav 5 2574 992
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

he walkred up to the manager at dennys and said 'look, my friends passed out in your bathroom, can i go get her?'

Fav 4 2463 1197
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Cuz last time you told me I was going to be shocked about something you got a hand job from a stripper in canada

Fav 9 2614 1050
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

Idk wtf I would do on a date. I thought wed passed that stage at least for a while. Nowadays dates should consist of blackouts and shameful mistakes.

Fav 1 1963 1096
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It never makes you rethink your life choices when you're breaking into my apartment at 3 am to take a piss in my kitchen sink?

Fav 5 1243 1771
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

She just pulled out a chicken strip and a hundred dollar bill from her purse. This is a legit twentyfirst bday weekend.

Fav 2 2390 844
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Like if there was an award for best way to take a girls virginity, he would get a standing ovation. And first prize. Probably a bunch of roses too. That good.

Fav 11 3554 1148
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Used a cardboard box as a pillow and a towel as a blanket. Its like the great depression over here

Fav 6 2208 2059
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

Fav 4 2862 966
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

Fav 3 2768 978
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

Fav 27 5038 1421
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

Fav 12 1156 2806
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

As a female I reserve the right to put my ipod in my cleavage because I have no pockets and not get judged by other girls right??

Fav 32 4310 1407
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I have an explanation for how we got this drunk this fast... but you wont like it. We are officially in complete liver failure.

Fav 5 1334 2065
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Are they engaged or just dating? Girlfriends come and go but the memory of sex at the pool last forever.

Fav 1 1909 801
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Would it be weird if I told you I thought of you when I masturbated?

(903): View more from Texas

Looks like I'm more than just your Mexico mistake...

Fav 6 2737 910
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Haha I will however wear glass and and draw a lightning bolt scar if you want to have sex that way, and that can be the only time you can call me Harry.

Fav 4 2925 1072
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

Fav 6 3519 1022
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I told them I got hit by a car again and now im pretty sure they think im being abused but there was no way in hell the truth was going to fly. Employed people aren't supposed to break their faces in piggy back ride accidents.

Fav 6 3401 1220
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Omg he's telling my parents stories about him doing jaagerbombs ... Lord help me

Fav 5 1005 1850
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Have you asked your drug dealer if he wants to see harry potter with you?

Fav 7 2598 1009
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

Fav 11 3700 1239
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

Fav 10 3637 1055
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

Fav 9 4653 1099
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I got offered a handle of vodka and tomato soup to bring his dog home. He knows me all too well.

Fav 4 1784 763
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

Fav 26 9660 1374
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Either I'm spending too much time drinking or my perfume is starting to smell like a pineapple vodka.

Fav 5 2062 1053
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...

Fav 5 2482 1051
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He wears a hat. All the time. Even during sex. And I'm okay with that.

Fav 21 2315 2603
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?

Fav 4 1949 1098
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

Fav 7 4437 1082
share tweet
(949): View more from California

In the middle of having sex, she said "if we continue, we're dating." I then pulled out and sat in the corner, naked. I deserve a Medal of Honor.

Fav 33 6756 2563
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

you proceeded to scream out that it's your birthday to everyone who walked by before you collapsed in the middle of the street. happy 21st birthday to you.

Fav 8 2765 1122
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

DRUNK CANOEING

(804): View more from Virginia

Please text me if you survive.

(207): View more from Maine

LAND HO BITCH

Fav 27 10891 1408
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

Fav 5 2972 1187
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

Fav 12 4216 1235
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I have 20 seconds to get my life together and look presentable.

Fav 6 2521 1241
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Lil wasted at a baby shower. Here's to beating teen pregnancy BOTTOMS UP

Fav 6 3638 1103
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Well, I now know how many glasses of wine it takes for me to fuck my neighbor.

Fav 10 3614 1228
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

A small child is toddling around the store, holding a coloring book and a shot glass. Thinking of you.

Fav 4 2958 914
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Oh god I think I promised some guy from high school that I'd be his fuck buddy in like 3 months

Fav 3 1863 1391
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He bought me Ben & Jerrys and then apologized for the fact that he was going to fall asleep before we could have sex

Fav 5 3195 1274
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I loved your drunken rendition of "I wanna dance with somebody" that you left on my voicemail last night.

Fav 4 2712 1025
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

My brother just asked if I would keep having one nighters with that guy because he really likes the organic cotton v-necks he leaves behind.

Fav 15 4413 1194
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

He asked me if we could throw a lingerie party together so I guess he's single again

Fav 7 2286 956
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

the bartender cut you off himself after you started walking on tops of tables and hugging random people

Fav 3 1840 986
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Between the booze, mechanical bulls, and penis's I think my body hates it when I'm single

Fav 12 2829 1206
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

He is the one I "technically" lost my virginity to.

(1-806): View more from Texas

I feel like you never had a virginity..

Fav 10 3475 1556
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I think I just accidentally agreed to become a surrogate for a gay couple

Fav 11 2178 1205
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

This is like a relationship, I expect to be mind blown at least once a week.

Fav 4 1878 770
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Dude, you need to understand there is a fine line between "guilty pleasure" and in the closet gay

Fav 18 2280 1180
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You poured your drink on yourself and then said "it's not a party until I'm wet"

Fav 2 3928 968
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Well I turned her sobriety into my own personal drinking game

Fav 5 2048 806
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!

Fav 12 1263 2431
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.

Fav 16 1246 3597
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You need 4-7 business day to recover from a fingering like that.

Fav 20 3973 1738
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Dipping doritos in ranch. Why doesn't he love me?

Fav 19 1319 2503
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's a bathroom floor kind of morning.

Fav 5 2530 1367
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...

Fav 14 4140 1130
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Half of elefante. Gelafin galaxy

Fav 7 1490 963
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

why didn't you tell me his penis tasted like oreos?

Fav 14 4019 1122
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

After he was done he gave me a case of landshark and tickets to tomorrows yankee game. This is the best nonrelationship ever

Fav 15 2959 840
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He just asked for the blowjob I promised him 3 years ago that he'd get the next time Michigan beat Ohio State. Goddamnit.

Fav 23 4717 1331
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

You can't call dibs 8 years later.

Fav 7 2701 1186
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I've been ignoring his texts cause last night I put him in my phone as 'ignore for atleast a day' and I trust my drunk self.

Fav 5 5055 1286
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Right, because I totally see myself driving all the way down there to fuck his world famous penis.

Fav 7 2289 978
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Just met me in 10 years...this lady keeps an emergency wine cooler in her bag

Fav 4 2556 1110
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

Fav 8 3836 1045
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The bar owner gave me permission to push people into the pool. I'm never going to leave Los Angeles

Fav 8 3513 1014
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I jumped on his cock in 2 seconds flat. Thanks mom for sending me to gymnastics when I was a kid.

Fav 13 3947 1015
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I sent her 8 pictures of my dick in a baked potato. Not sure how I thought that would get me laid later.

Fav 17 2240 2680
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Lol I just left. He's funny and he's cute. Downside: he thinks he can outdrink us

Fav 4 2852 1076
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I always have trouble explaining my life decisions to people over the age of 30.

Fav 8 2857 1059
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

Fav 13 4201 1243
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I think god is proud of me so he is rewarding me in discounted wine

Fav 5 2044 974
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

EVERYONE CAN HEAR YOU FUCKING YOU ARE IN A TENT

Fav 14 7886 1388
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I just picked up my chili cheese fries off the ground ate them, and then licked up the cheese that was still on the concrete. Thank you Jagerbombs

Fav 17 1316 3446
share tweet
(626): View more from California

He did plead exhaustion. And I made him push through it. I am like the motherfucking badass football coach of sex.

Fav 7 4044 1554
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Who the hell poured a whole pouch of Capri Sun down my throat last night?

Fav 9 1877 944
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I made him breakfast and we cuddled on the couch watching march of the penguins, which is, in case you were unaware, the opposite of fucking on a pool table

Fav 5 2728 1408
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Just now remembered singing Trashy Women at the reception. Not karaoke, just sang along with the mic I stole from the DJ. All while still in my dress drinking champagne from the bottle

Fav 7 2303 1016
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Talking to a male stripper. About the LSAT. Only in Vegas.

Fav 6 2944 1114
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

Fav 14 4699 1182
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Can we end it on a good note at least? Can we fuck and then never talk again?

Fav 14 4980 1471
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

Fav 20 3371 1126
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

Fav 8 1554 2835
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom just admitted you were a good looking kid & if you weren't my friend & 30 years older she would do you. I'm going to commit suicide.

Fav 6 2917 1377
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Her pussy was so beautiful. That's what I'LL miss the most. Not the omelets. You're the roommate, obviously our priorities on this situation are vastly different.

Fav 4 2493 926
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

2 things. 1. I just gave her a 6 hour long marathon fucking for America. 2. Thought of a new invention halfway through, and it's flawless.

Fav 16 4467 1023
share tweet
(559): View more from California

The guy in the American Flag bikini was telling the women he was disgusted at the amount of alcohol they weren't drinking. Then it got ridiculous.

Fav 6 3338 1046
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

just woke up in my car, in front of the bar. Took me 10 minutes to find my keys which were about 10 yards away in a bush. According to my phone records, I called my ex 14 times last night. Breakfast?

Fav 8 1480 3390
share tweet
(714): View more from California

If you come, call before you come in. I'm tanning my balls. Enjoy that visual.

Fav 10 2792 1537
share tweet
(916): View more from California

whatever buzz i had immediately ended when i saw her run through a sliding glass door

Fav 8 1474 2408
share tweet
(650): View more from California

So I just saw Jonah Hill at LAX and decided my fat fetish is back

(971): View more from Oregon

You should go to counseling for that

Fav 6 2254 1484
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

Fav 12 2896 1685
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wanna go watch Transformers and scream "AMERICA!"? I need a no thought activity

Fav 5 2189 1013
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.

Fav 4 997 2381
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Ended up at a lesbian bar and almost got stabbed in the eye with a dart. Weirdest bachelor party ever.

Fav 2 1575 1719
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I think I'm about to have sex with a second person before noon hehehhe! You're welcome America.

Fav 7 2432 1264
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Oh god I can't handle any more dudes. I just walk of shamed to work wearing a guy's boxers and a life jacket. This summer is going to kill me.

Fav 6 3115 1069
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, had to, it's Canada Day, I fucked her for Canada. Seriously, I put my Canadian flag on my bed and fucked her on it.

Fav 30 3624 1102
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Your job is getting in the way of our day drinking. Shots on the hour are not as cool alone.

Fav 5 1694 1015
share tweet
(731): View more from Tennessee

Every fourth of July I get sentimental when I think back to the one where we drove around baked off our asses crashing multiple cookouts listening to Team America's "America, Fuck Yea" on repeat. I miss us.

Fav 6 3258 1028
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

remember.. you're not a homewrecker.. you're just creating options for him..

Fav 13 1567 2574
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i dont care. it has been a 14 hour day, and we are all celebrating by alternating shots and grilled cheese.

Fav 4 1935 822
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I have been sober for so long that I miss hangovers... what is happening to this summer?

Fav 3 1142 2312
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not slutty if it's for workout purposes...right?

Fav 12 3476 1135
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Can you explain to me how i got kicked out of a bar last night, from outside the bar?

Fav 10 2615 1048
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

we've been together for three years, and i still get excited when i know i'm going to give him a blow job. it's that kind of love

Fav 17 7035 1308
share tweet
(209): View more from California

His apology was sex and a subway sandwich. Strangely, I'm okay with that.

Fav 16 3674 1088
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

She had one drink in her cleavage and another in her hand. She kept rotating between the two by leaning backward and then sipping the one in her hand.

Fav 9 2933 1058
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

we cut her off and put her in bed but by the time we got back to the drinks she was already there shirtless. she's the topless tequila ninja

Fav 9 5608 1257
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I don't even know. I woke up in the bathtub with no shirt, covered in towels holding what appeared to be vanillia pudding mixed with captain morgan.

Fav 9 2333 1167
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

Fav 6 1941 1281
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

dude I'm not 100% but I think your mom is sexting me.

Fav 15 4636 1438
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Sober me does NOT approve of what went on in my pants last night.

Fav 4 2422 1232
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i think if i got caught drinking at work i could get away with it if i started crying and saying my cat just died. as long as i'm confident.

Fav 5 2234 984
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I don't remember what happened but judging from the contents of my pockets it had something to do with potatoes and glo in the dark condoms

Fav 5 2208 936
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

He came to my house drunk at two a.m., got in the hot tub, refused to get out until he smoked a blunt, and said "That's what brothers and sisters are for."

Fav 8 2687 1095
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

Fav 9 2310 1500
share tweet
(619): View more from California

definitely fulfilled the lesbian status quo and fucked her in the back seat of my prius

Fav 25 3187 1135
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

On a scale of one to america, how free are you this weekend?

Fav 28 8678 1595
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I know you claim to have a large penis but I do not believe in what i cannot see. Sort of like god.

Fav 8 2865 1622
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

If I am going to pay someone to make me puke, it's going to be the bartender.

Fav 1 2227 1106
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I need you to stand in the corner and ref this threesome. Wear stripes.

Fav 6 3221 961
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I really need to find a new way to reward you other than head scratches, nutella and blowjobs.

Fav 16 2965 1009
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

we should hire that guy that makes pancakes that we met last weekend for our next party. He can feed us, and regulate!

Fav 1 1751 770
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

no, forget the keg and come see this. prego pants here is dunking chicken nuggets into pudding and crying over a cat show on animal planet.

Fav 10 3108 1532
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

We defiantly won best dressed in the ER tonight

Fav 4 2759 946
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

She was telling me which girls she thought I should fuck or not at the bar. Why can't all one night stands be that cool after?

Fav 16 3868 1172
share tweet
(714): View more from California

The office pool is up to $500 if you take a shit in Frank's desk drawer. Time to change the unpaid internship into a cash cow.

Fav 8 3098 1137
share tweet
(916): View more from California

let's just say I never want to get pulled over and have to explain to the cop why I'm wearing a false beard again.

Fav 4 2536 890
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

Fav 8 2917 1176
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

Fav 9 2998 1176
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

....I found a picture of what appears to be the underneath side of the barstool (taken from the floor) and to top that, 9 pictures of the ceiling. Also, did I mention there's a picture with us posing with a pregnant lady at the bar?! WELP

Fav 1 1377 1379
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

How is it possible that I am in a completely different city, and there are 2 dudes here that I've banged? How????

Fav 20 2683 1201
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

Fav 6 3488 2190
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I told her we could be friends and she said the last time i told her that we had sex behind a bar at 4am

Fav 5 3713 1681
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

my dad just told me he found me on the kitchen floor saturday morning with a microwave dinner on top of me, fork still in hand. priceless

Fav 8 3713 1629
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My vagina senses are tingling. I know your here.

Fav 21 4629 1759
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I don't know where Tiffany is but I just saw her shoes in the bar lost and found

Fav 7 3195 1641
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Apparently after taking body shots off of a guy i haven't seen since 1st grade, i ate a stick of butter, showed everyone my tampon string, and fell off the boat. my uggs belong to the sea now

Fav 19 1473 4985
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Man, I must say, having known you since preschool, Eiffel-Tower-ing her would've fully completed our journey to brotherhood.

Fav 9 2810 1072
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Also, my phone autocorrects ENABLER to all caps. I think I drunk text the word too often.

Fav 0 1971 948
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to make an art book filled with pics of me peeing in every bar bathroom I've ever been in. Dedicating it to you. You're welcome.

Fav 3 2006 1033
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

If it was designed to hold water, it was designer to hold wine

Fav 6 3102 1732
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

Fav 13 3237 1099
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

You're not required to sleep with every guy that spends $10 on you.

Fav 15 2795 1582
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.

Fav 7 2652 1163
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

Fav 10 3328 1592
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

Fav 12 4424 1313
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just fucked my ex's ex's ex. Love quadrilateral complete

Fav 9 3184 982
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He threw up in the campfire, the alcohol in his puke caught on fire. Im marrying this man

Fav 18 4441 1307
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

Fav 20 3019 1766
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

Fav 6 2761 1098
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

Fav 6 3257 1225
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Are we going out tonight?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

My conscience says no but my vag says yes

Fav 7 3265 1347
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Dude the animal human society told us we could get a dog when we came back sober. I cant wait.

Fav 6 2898 958
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So squirting runs in the family.

Fav 16 4247 1742
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I ended up naked in a pond with you-know-who and your saying your a good babysitter? Dick.

Fav 11 2117 949
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Its ok. I handled the situation with grace and class. lol jk i got shitfaced and fucked his roomate.

Fav 9 5968 1271
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

Fav 17 4461 2126
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Oh. And what's the twitter protocol for following the guy you blew behind a shed?

Fav 8 2102 1238
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't count me out just yet. Considering bartering a blowjob to see if that boy from work will take my shift.

Fav 8 2648 1246
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Come over. Drunk tacos.

(1-214): View more from Texas

That isn't even a sentence.

(214): View more from Texas

I kept the important parts.

Fav 8 5127 1226
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, that was a wonderful blow job. You did a good job.

Fav 11 4410 1146
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

God that barista is texting me bout his life like i care i mean dude just hook me up with free coffee thats why i gave you my number

Fav 5 2386 1371
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

Fav 16 4210 1257
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

Fav 8 2497 1163
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Oh my god please beg your father to turn the car around so you can possibly get laid by a knight at medieval times.

Fav 12 3167 933
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

Fav 3 3070 1019
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

sleazy september. first one with mono loses.

Fav 11 2936 1232
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

Fav 19 1549 3994
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Just found out my 21st birthday is on a Wednesday. The possibilities are cheap, as well as endless.

Fav 6 2331 741
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I took my shirt off and stood in the kitchen for an hour and a half talking to his parents about my tattoos

Fav 9 2934 1152
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

Fav 9 2995 1115
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Eating a muffin with a knife and fork. Hangovers have hit a new low.

Fav 9 1727 1996
share tweet
(818): View more from California

That's the last time I do shots near a campfire.

Fav 3 1718 1279
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

Fav 7 3757 1025
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.

Fav 3 2557 957
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

Fav 6 3947 1307
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked

Fav 12 3445 1167
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I want to apologize in advance for texting you a picture of my penis tonight.

Fav 9 3274 1207
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I already have one guy that I have regrettable sex with. I don't need another.

Fav 10 1440 2161
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Lives are in shambles. Livers are in disrepair. Our friend was missing for 2 days. His brother slept in a porta potty. God damn you college world series

Fav 13 3466 1383
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The one wearing a viking helmet and holding a bottle of Smirnoff. She's laying on the floor of the tube singing "cant find my way home" . You can't miss her..

Fav 5 2443 952
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

Fav 35 3405 1912
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

You left me with no money to have random Chicago sex. The least you can do is pick me up an egg mcmuffin on your walk of shame back to the hotel.

Fav 4 2464 1080
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I really need to stop drunk texting. My one night stand just agreed to go roller skating.

Fav 6 2811 1280
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He managed to tell me he was blind in one eye and convince me to have sex with him in the same conversation. It's love.

Fav 7 2747 990
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As he was under the stripper backwards, he yelled "we should totally be facebook friends"

Fav 8 3289 1153
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Found my shoes and purse. They're all strapped together in my neighbor's tree. Need to borrow your ladder. Thanks in advance

Fav 2 2377 976
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt

Fav 8 1308 3147
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Miller High Life will be the death of me. Well, that and shower sex.

Fav 10 3051 1217
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I left puerto rico a week ago and my vagina still smells like coconut.

Fav 14 3113 1445
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

Fav 9 3350 961
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa

(603): View more from New Hampshire

I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...

Fav 11 3714 1281
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

When u wake up, don't be alarmed by the passed out mariachi band, they're cool. Muchos gracias

Fav 6 3953 982
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

some guy i've known for a week sent me nudes saying "you're welcome" i need an award for this birthday

Fav 1 1921 834
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Other than a hickey from some random Canadian roller derby girl, I came out unscathed

Fav 1 2081 768
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I only made out with him because he cured my hiccups

Fav 5 2276 858
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I woke up to him drunk-t-bagging me, saying "huevos rancheros" were being served for breakfast.

Fav 8 1851 2407
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

Fav 17 5755 1340
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

oh dont worry, my liver will give out way before i get skin cancer

Fav 5 2711 1208
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

Fav 7 1539 2792
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i love that youre following in my footsteps.. pissing yourself on your birthday is an honor and a privlege

Fav 5 1182 1606
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

There's always time for handjobs

Fav 13 2928 979
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

using blue streamers we found on the bathroom floor was probably not the best substitute for toilet paper.

Fav 8 978 2368
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

Fav 8 3603 1506
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Well as our DD it was my responsibility to get us home safely. If that meant strapping you down to the backseat using all 3 seatbelts then so be it.

Fav 6 4280 1155
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He told me i had to sleep under his bed. He said it would be my castle.

Fav 11 1821 2321
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you would give me the chance we might have the two separate pieces of the greatest fuck puzzle ever.

Fav 8 4557 1297
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Its really bad when you fall asleep at a stop light outside the hotel and you wake up to a small spanish limo driver knocking on your window to tell you it's a green light

Fav 5 2305 1439
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Like I said I'm looking on the bright side. The bright side just happens to be filled with penis attached to hot marines

Fav 26 4165 1294
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

Fav 13 2763 1609
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

stuck in the elevator with that hot guy from the 3rd flood. Worried he can smell my spray tan and desperation

Fav 16 2934 1614
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He knows my period schedule but not my work schedule.

Fav 11 3382 1664
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

in my defence, i did try to get you to put your shirt back on, then you screamed at me to stop telling you what to do

Fav 7 2269 860
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I heard about the break up and if you need a place to stay my vagina is open for you 24/7

Fav 15 6727 1272
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

Fav 8 3813 1193
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

Fav 11 3037 1086
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he's dead I'm so gonna get the blame. I have his passport, keys and his tooth in my purse.

Fav 6 1687 2560
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

Fav 9 2645 1234
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

Fav 13 3998 1690
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

Fav 11 4915 1280
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

And I was slip and sliding my life away on a giant tarp with tons of soap and bitches. Priorities man, priorities.

Fav 10 3122 1040
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

How would u feel about transportimg a penis shaped ice luge to nashville?

Fav 9 2569 1028
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

Fav 17 4399 1552
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Next time we throw a party together I would appreciate it if you didn't try to get my friends to hook up with friends of yours you know have herpes

Fav 6 1207 3973
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

You called him your tasty little crouton. Which actually wasn't the weirdest part.

Fav 7 2693 1015
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Aj and I already plan to tape our thumbs to our palms so we know how it feels to be a t-rex.

Fav 11 4338 1221
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.

Fav 4 3121 1012
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Did you bedazzle the elevator?

Fav 2 3650 1003
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I hope you realize, I'm counting on you as my wingman next semester. It's your turn to advertise another man's penis. I did my tour all freshman year.

Fav 3 2117 949
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

It's the first day of summer. It's not a race it's a marathon. Pace yourself

Fav 5 2521 1001
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You left your underwear here. I'm hanging it on my door

Fav 6 2410 1083
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

Fav 4 2088 2915
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

Fav 6 3020 1073
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

Fav 15 5052 1497
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Lesbian sex in an alleyway drunk.

Fav 13 3486 1302
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i just woke up reverse cowgirl on my couch. fully clothed. my laptop is on the floor sideways. blasting gay porn and lady gaga. pizza crust everywhere. goodmorning.

Fav 17 3844 1291
share tweet
(831): View more from California

She just came to my house, with puke in her hair, to wake up my dad and scream "happy fathers day you DILF!" at the top of her lungs

Fav 7 3423 1523
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The bouncer at this strip club is my new best friend. He is also very persuasive. He got me to strip onstage for a t shirt. It's a nice shirt.

Fav 4 3391 1059
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

A shower wasnt enough to wash off the shame but at least it took care off the blood.

Fav 7 2407 2081
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I just want you to sit on my face and to tell you you're pretty. Most girls would leap at this opportunity.

Fav 23 5157 1376
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Seriously he's so hot. And it's so hard to flirt with a deaf guy

Fav 10 2871 1181
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

Fav 15 3709 1152
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

he was grinding on you and dedicated the song "I'm in Love With a Stripper" to you then started taking his own clothes off

Fav 5 3107 1216
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Be still, my beating vagina.

Fav 22 4817 1443
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I'd rate him "doable" on a scale from "ew, run" to "you should've already fucked him".

(416): View more from Toronto

That's about an "8" on normal scales.

Fav 7 3040 1282
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I feel like a fucking princess. Like an heiress of a kingdom of drugs.

Fav 5 2345 1225
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

He showed up drunk to my cousions HS grad party, we stayed at the bars till 2, then he got up at 5 to run a half marathon and by the time I woke up wlhe was already back and drinking.

Fav 25 6499 1145
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile

Fav 8 1388 1769
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Saw my boss's vagina at that party. Hung over at work has never been more acceptable

Fav 8 3331 1084
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

She's clinging to me like a horny koala.

Fav 10 3790 1349
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

Fav 4 4402 1267
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..

Fav 6 1999 1278
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I went to grab his drink and my hand grazed his dick. It was magical.

Fav 10 3789 1130
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Why do i even want him? It's like his dick is a trophy and I need to put it on my wall of shame.

Fav 6 2654 1343
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

Fav 13 3205 2551
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I fucked your brother... Hey, at least we know he is not gay... You're welcome.

Fav 16 5286 1389
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Wine floats aren't as good of an idea as they seem

Fav 7 1125 2065
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

My bed became a clown car for his family....I'm not ready to get married

Fav 11 990 2456
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

Fav 13 4544 1692
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

I'm in a hotel full of Marines. I'm leaving here pregnant.

Fav 50 6020 1958
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Party at my house. Beach themed. Clothing optional.

(970): View more from Colorado

Wouldn't that make it "Nude Beach Themed?"

Fav 8 3813 1174
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

he just used "boss" and "boner" in the same sentence. I cant respond.

Fav 4 2050 1191
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

did you know that if you have sex in the elevator on the way up that people can still get in?

Fav 10 3263 1436
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

Fav 13 4303 1303
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Standing in front of the open refrigerator with a 3/4 empty bottle of wine eating Bac-o's from the jar, topless. Somebody really should've taught me better coping skills.

Fav 9 1808 2368
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

Fav 8 3371 1292
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I was trying to make tacos and friends but there was a major language barrier.

Fav 5 2411 1143
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

Fav 9 3023 1504
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

she was stripping to whiskey lullaby. most depressed boner.

Fav 14 1389 3061
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Don't use the things I tell you while drunk after the bruins won the cup against me

Fav 4 1633 1070
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

This milkshake tastes better than sex. Priorities, I have them.

Fav 5 2533 1174
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

Fav 9 4843 1294
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Ladystoner tip: if eyes are bloodshot, lime green eyeliner makes them appear less red. its basic artt.

Fav 23 3362 1275
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So. Much. Sex. I feel like i ran a marathon then someone kicked me in the vagina. Soo worth it

Fav 7 5306 1359
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey, 'thunder cock' as proud as I am for you getting laid, could you put a muzzle on her? I have to be up at 5, thanks.

Fav 11 6995 1496
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

check off brunette on the list of girls tht hit me with there cars and then fucked me later

Fav 8 2813 1156
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you relize what downtown will be like this week? Like open season. But instead of deer its hot baseball players from all over the country that we'll never have to see again. I swear the college world series is a gift from god.

Fav 12 3476 1263
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I don't like finding out that my fuck buddy is a good person.

Fav 6 2905 1413
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

Fav 1 2290 1171
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i found him! he's on the front porch using a bag of potting soil as a pillow. i forgot i left him there.

Fav 6 2932 1126
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

Fav 8 5524 1329
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

Fav 9 3882 1450
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Mom just texted me to see if it was you who was streaking at the Mariner game... Did you accept yet another $1 bet?

Fav 5 3419 1282
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

Fav 2 1822 1370
share tweet
(523): View more from

Hey did where's my bong?

(1-523): View more from

In the tree out back .... Top branch on the right

(523): View more from

Should I bother to ask?

Fav 8 3316 1265
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Not sure. We'll pass out on that bridge when we stumble to it.

Fav 7 3305 1457
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Champagne is a vitamin, right?

Fav 4 2539 1277
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

Fav 8 3506 1243
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i got shots of sambuca dumped on my head last night. my bag still smells like licorice. making me nauseous.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

it is a nice little reminder of the bruins dominance. if Vancouver had won, it would somehow smell of maple syrup.

Fav 5 2019 1358
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

He hit on a bridal shower w/ his hand on my tit the entire time. Gave his number to the mom.

Fav 2 1778 1280
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

My cock is literally on the edge of falling off. Fuck Vegas.

Fav 8 1042 2828
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Dude. I kneed him in the face and gave him a black eye. It's like a constant reminder of our hookup. I feel like herpes. I never go away...

Fav 4 1484 1432
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I miss the good ol' days when we would yell at strangers from your balcony while wearing our mexican ponchos in the middle of the day.

(917): View more from New York City

what ever happened to our old dealer?

Fav 1 2699 1252
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

one night of dollar margs at dinner and dollar beers at the bar later, i am throwing up in his shower and gurgling soap and water to kill the taste of sin in my mouth. dollar days need to stop endng like this.

Fav 6 1593 1442
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

Fav 21 7788 1514
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

Fav 20 3789 2097
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Yeah. I stopped her before she flashed the guy for a free slice of pizza. She called me a gentleman and then before I knew it she was in my bed.

Fav 12 4835 1256
share tweet
(714): View more from California

IM PICKING UP BLOW FOR US STOP WHINING ABOUT SEX

Fav 12 2558 1461
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

Fav 10 4695 1835
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I cannot even. Taco bell reception. Beers. New friends from Georgia.

Fav 8 2129 1377
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He lectured me about the dangers of drugs while wearing a sombrero and doing interpretive dance.

Fav 5 2788 1561
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Sex tent. say it aloud its amazing. promise you we rnt stoned.

Fav 5 2021 1065
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

Fav 4 2828 1058
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just celebrated my ex boyfriends birthday by having more sex than he will today.

Fav 23 5627 1212
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I have jerked off in every room in your house. *the more you know

Fav 7 2425 1337
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Emily is drunk. We're coming to see you at work and we're bringing jello shots for you.

Fav 6 2330 977
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

It's probably just the physical manifestation of slut karma. But i of course mean that in the kindest way possible because i love you and respect your choices

Fav 4 2189 1250
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm hungover as fuck. My vagina hurts. I locked my keys in my car. It's about 93* outside. We're having sex in the pool when I get home

Fav 12 3784 1156
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Welcome to texting with Mike. You're now leaving the sober section and headed to our insanely high bad decision making portion of mike. Enjoy the trip.

Fav 9 3638 1365
share tweet
(909): View more from California

i think the penis that was inside of me changed my life

Fav 13 3001 1297
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??

Fav 9 2357 1194
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I have glow sticks stuck to my boobs and a missed call from the 911. I'd say last night was a success.

Fav 6 3350 1320
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Chelsea passed out in the kiddie pool. Just added around 28 boxes of jello powder. Will let you know how it works out

Fav 9 4625 1294
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

HOW AM I SUPPOSED TO LOOK FUCKABLE IN AN ALL NEON SPANDEX JUMPSUIT?

Fav 17 2835 1664
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

We all have our weaknesses that drive us crazy. We happen to have one in common, 21 year olds. Your secrets safe. Touch his penis.

Fav 9 3575 1407
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just orgasmed in traffic. Starting to have feelings for my commute.

Fav 12 3897 1154
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I've never felt so inclined to grow a dick. THIS is what the gays in this town have done to me

Fav 7 1493 1827
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

The kid I'm babysitting just asked if I had a boyfriend. WHY IS A FOUR YEAR OLD MAKING ME FEEL BAD ABOUT MY LIFE

Fav 11 1569 3002
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

Fav 8 4348 1416
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Just went through campus. In the span of 2 min I saw 4 places I've had sex. And thats just down one street. Man do I miss college.

Fav 4 2572 955
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

He tried to stick it in and I asked him what he wanted to name our child and he quit.

Fav 21 5926 1804
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

Ladies, we have an appointment at David's Bridal aurora this coming Sunday at 3pm. And an appointment at where ever tequila is served at noon.

Fav 8 2491 1052
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

Fav 10 2795 1359
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

for breakfast I had vodka and flavor blasted goldfish. and I'm topless.

Fav 12 3563 1266
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

On the plus side I got to ride in a fire truck and I didn't have to blow anybody for it

Fav 6 3049 1255
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

Fav 11 4465 1538
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

I need the number of a restaurant that delivers, has lock-picking abilities, and is okay with full frontal male nudity. Entirely too hungover to get out of bed.

Fav 7 3059 1368
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

Fav 10 5389 1420
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was preparing to do my walk of shame shirtless, but then I found my sweater, wallet and keys neatly piled under a tree in the park.

Fav 5 3684 1166
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

It's what America was founded on: former hookups referring you for a job four years later.

Fav 9 2607 1256
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

Fav 19 3521 1575
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

You'd be so proud. I have the flu/sore throat, so I've tied a scarf around my head and I'm microwaving jagerbombs. Let it never be said I'm not commited.

Fav 4 1855 1100
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Ive decided I'm sending thank you notes to all the bars for graduation.

Fav 2 2147 788
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

you force-fed me gummy vitamins while screaming "I JUST WANT YOU TO BE HEALTHY" i have never been so terrified in my life.

Fav 10 6678 1483
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Hey everyone. This evenings celebration will commence with a cocktail hour at genghis at 830 to be followed with an upscale dining experience at taco bell at 10. All are welcome. This is not a joke. Thank you

Fav 11 2681 1011
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.

Fav 10 4771 1176
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

btw im making up a story about these stitches..... i think a hockey stick to the face sounds better then i fell up the stairs

Fav 5 2528 1025
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I may be a little fuzzy on this, but I think at some point I said something about being a generous lover.

Fav 6 1988 815
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

His body is just chiseled out of sex. I would let that man do anything to my body. Including fuck me while my parents watch

Fav 13 4539 1855
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You're getting a blowjob this afternoon. This has been your morning public service announcement.

Fav 14 4799 1046
share tweet
(408): View more from California

This is davidson friend mat i an drunk. Thank you for having a physical relationship. With David. I bet he gas a penis the size of an elephant tusk. You are a lucky lady.

Fav 8 4546 1116
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

Fav 12 1466 3375
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

Fav 10 5739 1369
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am now the only person in my apartment who hasn't had sex in my bed.

Fav 7 1372 5099
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Less talking, more tequila

Fav 8 2564 1001
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

why did I try to FaceTime with 311 last night?

Fav 9 1794 1028
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My sister came home, pulled two nalgene bottles of jaeger-bomb out of the fridge, changed out her 3 inch heels for 6 inch heels and left in under 3 minutes. I've never been more proud of her.

Fav 7 5331 1098
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl

Fav 8 1734 2886
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

She fucked me for a ride to the airport. If this is what the rest of college is like, I'm never graduating.

Fav 4 3452 1013
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

Fav 5 2900 1015
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

You have permanently scared my back with your nails. I would like to congratulate you on a job well done.

Fav 17 3856 1161
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

there is beer in every square inch of this apartment and he hasn't even lived in it for 24 hours. we're playing some game that involves slamming beer, beer pong and smacking people's cups out of their hands.

Fav 16 2376 1681
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She just started grabbing all the hospital's rubber gloves and face masks and shoving them in her purse, saying, "My tax money paid for these!"

Fav 6 2772 1104
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

They were actually really boring considering how we met them.

(1-845): View more from New York

howd you meet them?

(845): View more from New York

They got shit-faced and decided to take a train to a city none of them had ever been to. We found them wandering the ghetto, with a bottle of gin and singing Disney songs.

Fav 18 4885 1268
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Living room yoga. I'm too hungover to deal with anyone else's chi today.

Fav 8 2160 906
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Her mom is home on her lunch break. Guess who's hiding In the Closet?

Fav 14 3822 1176
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.

Fav 12 913 2478
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

Fav 6 1069 3871
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

Fav 7 2443 1603
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Headed to the bar now. If I smell faintly of latex and tuna, it's just the new scent I'm trying.

Fav 9 1035 2278
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well if all fails we can always become surrogate mothers. I hear that pays well.

Fav 6 1648 1397
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.

Fav 13 2827 1081
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Apparently you can legally be topless in Boulder, CO. Get on it.

Fav 27 3498 967
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I dunno, but she kept buying me shots and asking me to go places with her. oh btw we're signed up to go bungee jumping Saturday

Fav 4 2628 793
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

Fav 4 2809 1505
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

I put the extra pregnancy test in my sex toys box as a reminder that my actions have consequences.

Fav 8 3581 1076
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

My neighbor is on the his front porch in a robe dipping a popsicle into what appears to be vodka. I want to be his son.

Fav 7 3456 961
share tweet
(818): View more from California

we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.

Fav 9 2755 1055
share tweet
(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

Fav 9 6193 1397
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I fell asleep to him stroking my ass calling it his precious.

Fav 12 4093 1553
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I think I've officially made out with the entire starbucks staff.

Fav 13 2784 1255
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Do you remember calling me a cuntasaurus rex last night?

Fav 11 4161 1767
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I wish I could rewind to my 8th birthday instead. I wanna wake up, eat as much cake as I want, and have a Transformers birthday party without someone judging me.

Fav 4 3419 930
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Well on a positive note, crystal light now comes in margarita flavor

Fav 7 2635 871
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

This is going to be BYOBM Vegas trip: Bring Your Own Bail Money.

Fav 3 2445 961
share tweet
(619): View more from California

The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

Fav 5 2318 1031
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Ja rule starts his prison sentence today #3475th reason we should drink tonight

Fav 10 2066 884
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Well I disagree, 3 different men in my bed over my birthday was the perfect way to say goodbye to my childhood innocence

Fav 15 3141 1217
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Whatever. I indirectly made you cum overseas. Call it even.

Fav 7 2857 869
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You're going to the beach with me so we can have beach sex whether you like it or not. Get over it. Kthx.

Fav 21 3757 1099
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all

Fav 19 3148 1056
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Sometimes I wonder how you ever made friends then I remember it's because you blew your way to semi-relevance

Fav 6 1986 1284
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

hand shaped bruises on both boobs again....i wish i could say this is the first time.

Fav 10 3397 1278
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

Fav 21 6689 1358
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Let's cut to the chase. What days are we sleeping together this week?

Fav 12 4367 1008
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

It Amazes me that I was able to drunk update my status in Spanish last night.

Fav 6 2937 886
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

It's only been a week and i've already broken my no summer randoms rule twice.

Fav 5 2470 931
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.

Fav 10 4574 1286
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

She sprinted out of the bathroom and ran all the way into the middle of the street. Five minutes later she came back with a banana nut muffin. She's that kind of drunk.

Fav 6 3023 875
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

He's basically like a fancy dildo that buys me dinner.

Fav 13 4650 1187
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

dude you need a shock collar for some of the things you say when you're drunk.

Fav 6 3496 1186
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I peed glitter this morning and had a beard drawn on my face with eyeliner. Last time I do shots with gay Dan.

Fav 12 3659 2178
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Second day of summer classes and i already got this girl to send me nudes during class

(1-914): View more from New York

that is WHY your in summer classes

(914): View more from New York

worth it

Fav 10 4252 1214
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I am never taking advice from you again. The high heels in the shower were a bad idea. I orgasmed and almost drowned.

Fav 17 4263 1229
share tweet
(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

Fav 19 3851 1379
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

The cop was more concerned with the fact I had cowboy boots on with shorts than the fact we were under age

Fav 10 3842 1032
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

See this is what happens when we don't have sex everyday

Fav 8 2961 1929
share tweet
(760): View more from California

explaining to a nurse how i all most cut my finger off playing beer pong, she def just hand me a AA booklet.

Fav 9 2304 1157
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i licked icing off his dick. in front of his sister.

Fav 34 3942 3471
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

Fav 8 3983 1139
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

Fav 8 2781 1205
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

Fav 13 3604 1448
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He only talks to me during the summer and it's probably because I let him fuck me in my pool last year.

Fav 27 3464 1542
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

Fav 10 3753 1274
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

Fav 21 3008 1540
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

Fav 15 5889 1253
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

No, my body just knows its the weekend and wants to rage. Very different from alcoholism

Fav 4 3157 985
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

just found a bag of Oreos in my purse labeled "emergency".

Fav 7 3498 1022
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

Fav 6 2616 837
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I love my boobs, they're the only thing that supports me. They make me a solid 6.

Fav 13 2022 2403
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Hey. Hope youre not too hungover. Also, did you put a Christmas tree in my guest bathroom and cover it with condoms?

Fav 4 3010 1462
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

Well, he has like 3 girlfriends but I think I could be polygamist for that dick.

Fav 6 2277 1055
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

You probably don't remember. You were drunk and getting your tits drummed on like haitian bongos in a voodoo ritual.

Fav 4 2826 1060
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

Fav 19 5575 1225
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

You are the only person I know who got away with wearing a turtleneck while getting laid. ONLY person.

Fav 14 3543 1039
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

Why not. Its my b-day, you're in town, I'm in town, bars are in town, and alcohol is in town. I don't see anything not good about those things.

Fav 6 3176 1015
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

his life revolves around getting high and answering people on yahoo answers. he's perfect for you.

Fav 9 3656 1160
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not upset because i like you. I'm upset because I can't use you for the sex anymore.

Fav 9 3214 1139
share tweet
(925): View more from California

After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

Fav 10 4299 1598
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

There were 11 girls in that minivan and everyone was either puking, crying, or yelling "we're a total shit show"

Fav 7 3120 1528
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Penises. Penises everywhereeeeeeeee. Penis ratio is sooo disproportionate. I can't NOT get laid tonight.

Fav 12 3406 1043
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He just referred to himself as a sharp shooter. I had sex with that.

Fav 6 1983 1450
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

I cagt a turtle and named him squirt. He's in my bathtub Caleb is feeding me peaches! This is the most beautiful vodka Thursday ever!

Fav 6 3689 974
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept screaming how great you were at drawing poptarts and you insisted on drawing them all over my forearm

Fav 2 3242 1005
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It says a lot about how well I know you when I can understand messages of yours that say things like "sauteed Jesus."

Fav 4 2461 992
share tweet
(650): View more from California

That was a $3000 rug we rolled him down the hill in.

Fav 9 2646 1460
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We tried to line dance with everyone but it turned into drunken stumbling and attempting to grind on random frat boys. I feel that this might turn into an every Thursday thing.

Fav 4 2051 856
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

Fav 4 2182 921
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

Fav 12 3673 1160
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just so you know you don't have to worry about me picking up any guys tonight. The Hilton is hosting guests from the North American Gay Volleyball Association and the Comic Palooza

Fav 9 1959 2073
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

Fav 11 2958 1808
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

how many past hook-ups can i invite to go bar hopping with me for my b-day before it becomes a bad idea?

Fav 12 2974 1158
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you can now officially say a girl has shaved your initials into her pubes. welcome to the club.

Fav 9 2802 1141
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Walt I've been the third wheel taking shotssssssssssssssssolo. Each s is for each solo shot.

Fav 11 2359 962
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I got mine. It's a truly beautiful penis. Plus he pulled his tongue muscle on my vagina.

Fav 18 4747 1117
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

Fav 4 3185 1105
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

im about 40 per cent sure i invited the bouncer to our pajama party next weekend...

Fav 4 2655 1333
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

in my drunkeness I still was able to plan for the morning. I duck taped my keys, a water bottle full of mimosa and my cell phone to the front door.

Fav 8 3660 1088
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

The strip club called, they have your shoe.

Fav 13 4066 1144
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

BAHHAHHAHHAHAHHA SOME ASS IS BIYING NE DRHBKS. DRUBK

Fav 9 3222 1215
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.

Fav 15 3528 1217
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

Fav 2 2159 1412
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He makes me wish my vagina was bigger... This must be what love feels like.

Fav 21 4118 1336
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Btw...pregnancy boobs are amazing. I don't recommend pregnancy in general but the boobs are good.

Fav 12 3570 1331
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

Fav 5 2730 949
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He met a random girl on the bus home and decided to go to Spain with her. The blackout decisions are becoming internationally epic. He has work in the morning.

Fav 5 4294 993
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

Fav 4 2069 1071
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

our conversations pretty much only consist of the phrase 'fuck you'. and the sex is fantastic. we've got a great thing going here.

Fav 5 3663 1147
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He just gave himself a boner while driving using "the power of his mind"

Fav 14 3190 1183
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

Fav 6 2581 1034
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

He like walks around to open car doors for me. Has already held my hair while I barf and still likes me. What. Is. Happening.

Fav 16 4400 1235
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

It's tuesday, which means cocktails followed by cocktales.

Fav 4 4005 1182
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Nicee. Atleast your phone doesn't change pen in to PENISsSSSSSSS like mine does

Fav 6 2593 1170
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

Fav 38 5833 1957
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Why is there an appointment in my calandar called "get the fuck to the bus" at 3 am june 19th?

Fav 12 3614 1148
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

We just took turns doing keg stands. 27 is way too old for this. Out of 5 of us, our best time was 9 seconds.

Fav 9 2080 1457
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

Fav 7 2278 1146
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I know what youre going to say and vodka only explains half of my sitation

Fav 7 2330 1079
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I'm still waiting for my blazer that I left at your apartment, you owe me a blowjob for every day from Thursday on that it's late.

Fav 1 3074 1140
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

i yelled at him for a little and we ended up fucking in a random tennis court.

Fav 13 3451 1176
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

In all honesty of all my sexual conquests, his dick is probably my proudest moment.

Fav 10 3556 1707
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

She was trying to fuck the exchange student from France. His English is really bad and the music was loud so she just pointed to a beer bottle and then her vagina.

Fav 7 4326 1193
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I really wish I had added "blowjob on a slide at a playground" to my bucket list before last night.

Fav 8 2507 1029
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Couldn't get it up. She asked me what she was doing wrong. Didn't have the heart to tell her. I appreciated her willingness to adapt, but she's pretty much gonna look that bad her whole life.

Fav 7 1381 4437
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.

Fav 9 3428 1155
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

Fav 6 3151 1309
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i keep looking at my boobs and it just baffles me how he could give this up.

Fav 21 4741 1525
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him

Fav 7 3353 1194
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It must be illegal for me to be this drunk in front of this many children

Fav 9 3206 1246
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Do you ever just look at me and get embarrassed?

Fav 12 3168 1381
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

The polaroid of me taking a test-tube of Jegar out of the gay guys mouth pretty much explains my trip to Spain.

Fav 6 2226 1053
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't not like him. It's just wierd talking to him because we both know I fucked his wife.

Fav 11 1393 2812
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

All I remember was after sex she kept trying to take pictures of my dick "for memories"

Fav 6 3021 1370
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

he brought me knee pads...is that sweet or weird?

Fav 7 3343 1465
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Sometimes I stop and laugh and think "and these are my actual life choices".

Fav 4 3324 1153
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

she walked out and i tried to get her to come back but i couldn't remember her name so i just whistled... future reference: that doesn't work

Fav 3 2516 1513
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

This weekend is gunna be a fucking shitshow. I don't even wanna know how many dicks will end up inside of me

Fav 20 2414 4104
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

She hash tagged the word blow job in her text. Tonight's going to be good.

Fav 2 2800 1066
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I just had to stop two people giving each other hand jobs in the pool. That was not something I was taught in lifeguard training

Fav 12 3565 2223
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

Fav 14 5361 1330
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

God my Facebook chat is a graveyard of old blowjobz

Fav 4 2496 1380
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've only been home four days and my parents' cleaning lady already wrote down the number to AA and told me she's praying for me.

Fav 10 4254 1396
share tweet
(619): View more from California

im sorry for trying to flush a roll of toilet paper down with my puke. probably not great for your toilet

Fav 5 1139 2181
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

She was really fucking loud. My neighbors definetly knew my name...

Fav 17 5180 1242
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Your maid of honor is passed out in a golf cart on the 18th hole.

Fav 11 4038 1244
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude she has starbursts in her sports bra. I feel like this is counter productive.

Fav 9 2322 1123
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

Fav 25 6935 1770
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

Fav 5 3839 1280
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

Fav 19 4290 1417
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

Fav 3 4399 1460
share tweet
(351): View more from Massachusetts

the story is to long to tell you via txt so when you notice the tattoo on your ass call me.

Fav 5 4774 1623
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Some guy just stopped me in the bar and asked if I had a shot named after me at another bar called God damn my VaJana hurts? He already knew my name was Jana so I couldn't deny it!

Fav 7 3656 1259
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim

Fav 11 3699 1124
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

apparently i saved myself a memo last night titled "cake" and all it says is "i love it so much"

Fav 3 5749 1293
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Remember when you picked me up from my walk of shame with a bike, I came out wearing a Ninja Turtle costume and you let me ride the pegs to thoroughly display the embarassment

Fav 4 3366 1765
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

Fav 7 3250 1190
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

You were with some girl. Your exs best friend. Your shirt was half undone and she was telling you to put your penis away. It wasn't out but you wanted to. Patron is your weaknes.

Fav 2 2324 1126
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

If turning my entire backyard into a slip-n-slide is wrong then I don't wanna be right

Fav 3 4315 1287
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Would it be safe to assume you're the one that left my front door wide open and left yourself a trail of jaeger drops to find your way back?

Fav 2 2460 1021
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

you do realize that we pretended we were worms for like 10 minutes and inched around on the ground, don't you?

Fav 4 3681 1057
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

woke up this morning with a big mac and chips on a plate, coke in a glass and a knife and fork AND NAPKIN waiting for me in front of my computer. PORN WAS ALREADY PLAYING. I LOVE DRUNK ME

Fav 15 6680 1268
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I HAVE A PRESENT FOR YOU AND ITS NOT MY VAGINA

Fav 24 3454 1755
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I can always make him wear a mask... I'll tell him it's a fetish.

Fav 13 2748 1417
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He probably smells like baby powder and sexual identity crisis.

Fav 4 1481 2196
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

The last thing I remember is ordering two Martinis while yelling 'CAN YOU PUT THAT IN ONE GLASS?'

Fav 6 3065 1131
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

but he gave me mouthwash after the bj. no ones ever done that for me before.

Fav 20 5458 1268
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

But life isn't just all about getting drunk & eating chicken strips.

Fav 27 3089 1723
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Im embracing the luau theme and maybe bringing a kiddie pool filled with alcohol. Im also embracing the high probability I will not remember this night.

Fav 3 2985 1293
share tweet
(+35): View more from

i swear to god. if they dont have practically DTF written on their foreheads, or a glowstick in their hands, strictly no entry.

Fav 5 2143 1491
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Slurping strawberries throug a straw. It feels like the kool-aid man is coming in my mouth.

Fav 6 3066 1304
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

How is it I was the last to know everyone calls me tig ole bitties? Did y'all have a meeting about this that I wasn't invited to?

Fav 7 2468 1125
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

Fav 14 12316 1861
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

He's a waiter, looks 15, and told me he loved me after only talking to me for 30 minutes. I told him I wanted a margarita. We got 3 free pitchers. I may have to make this our regular Wednesday night hangout.

Fav 4 3877 1035
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I had a dream that we erected a stage in our living room for "impromptu performances" how can we make this a reality?

Fav 11 3085 1136
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Drunk you is everything I aspire to be in life.

Fav 8 3226 1457
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

It was like god placed me in his bed and said," here's your shot girl. Don't mess this up." And I looked at god and laughed in his face.

Fav 9 1475 2701
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He'll choke me during sex but he won't eat a strip of bacon. Vegetarians are weird.

Fav 17 5131 1548
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I automatically know you're drunk now as soon as you start yelling in spanish

Fav 12 3195 994
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

listening to happy ending by mika while imagining him to run after me at an aiport in slow motion... also, dipping oreos in baileys. not taking this breakup well. at. all.

Fav 8 1465 3017
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

So help me Jesus we're never drinking together again. But weekends don't count. Amen.

Fav 3 2798 962
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Breakfast=the leftover margarita in my car. Have a great day.

Fav 4 2239 1017
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

You told me you loved me after I brushed your teeth with my index finger.

Fav 4 2251 992
share tweet
(530): View more from California

My ex came to my place while I was gone. Random things he took: snow shoes, my laundry quarters, a decorative picture, all my condiments, the container that held my rice and a sticker off my wallet. Then left a note saying he watered my plants and fed my cats. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 13 4249 1645
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

Fav 8 3661 1122
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Uggh answer your phone, you are the only one I know who'll be proud of what I woke up next to this morning .

Fav 13 3942 1728
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

This is going to be a 3 day beach sex fest. Do you understand

Fav 12 3380 1106
share tweet
(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

Fav 11 4354 1164
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I'm a big fan of your penis but I will not sit through an animated movie dedicated to it.

Fav 12 2847 1284
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Yeah, well I just made $600 while taking a shut cause two diff clients called while I was in here. Tell me being a lawyer doesn't kick ass.

Fav 18 3869 1193
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

Fav 26 1949 4849
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

There's always the 'not have sex with the drunk girl I just met at some party' option.

(512): View more from Texas

That was the plan but Tequila showed up at the party too.

Fav 9 3222 1507
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I'm sober enough to question why I have your name as "the wolverine" in my phone.

Fav 3 2897 929
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Odd question. Did you find a 20 in your boxers? I need it for gas.

Fav 5 2355 800
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I used the lotion his mom gave me for christmas to give him a hand job. It felt so wrong.

Fav 19 3004 1087
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Printing the vagina inspector badge was money well spent.

Fav 6 3155 1304
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Oh, and that ugly chick transformed into a veritable goddess when she came back at 3AM with a handle of vodka and 100 chicken wings

Fav 13 4108 1362
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

WHERE ARE MY FUCKING EYEBROWS?!

Fav 20 3317 5171
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

4 months of living in europe has taught me the art of making a drunken stumble look like a dance move

Fav 6 4264 1264
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

Fav 4 2253 1015
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I fed him jelly beans while he fingered me. Win, win situation.

Fav 9 4442 1179
share tweet
(760): View more from California

running the faucet water is not hiding the sound of you vomiting. fyi.

Fav 6 2388 1547
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

Fav 5 2924 1036
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

Like what kind of adult things? Whats more adult than drinking at 2pm on a monday?

Fav 5 2741 1054
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He just told me that he goes squirrel hunting. NO LONGER BANGABLE.

Fav 27 1316 3593
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She told me she's going to buy a projector so she can watch porn on her ceiling...I'm telling you man this chick is going places

Fav 7 5922 1399
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just went outside to gather hail to use to make margaritas since we ran out of ice. That's God's way of helping us out.

Fav 12 5387 1234
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

There is ecstasy everywhere. Get over here right no5w. The 5 is silent.

Fav 21 7667 1665
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Apparently you get kicked out of gay bars if they catch you putting the entire free condom bowl in your purse.

Fav 18 3730 1254
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I'm drinking screwdrivers in the pool naked. Call 911 if I don't check in regularly

Fav 6 3388 1330
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Is asking my 8-year-old brother if he will make us shot glasses in his ceramics class too far?

Fav 7 2881 1177
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

She poured a bottle of rum in the champagne fountain, did like 5 jello shots at the same time, then lit herself on fire. Twice. This is how everyone should turn 21.

Fav 6 4652 1100
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Just did a walk of shame dressed as a cowgirl and walked past his ex's entire sorority. Yippee kye aye, motherfucker.

Fav 18 6975 1259
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Sorry I sent so many blank messages. My hands are slippery. Don't ask why.

Fav 7 2543 1041
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.

Fav 3 2735 1035
share tweet
(818): View more from California

You got cut off after you tried to make the dog funnel moscato.

Fav 4 1513 1404
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

Fav 16 4780 1510
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

As long as he sees me topless I don't care. Redemption. REEEDDDEMMMPPPTTIIIOOONNNNN

Fav 7 2816 944
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

We have zombies coming, and all you can think about is cock.

Fav 14 3753 1042
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

full cup flip cup was not exactly the reason I wanted to tell the cops when I was sleeping on the curb

Fav 1 2155 938
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm still not completely convinced I'm not pregnant. I just dipped beef jerky in cream cheese frosting.

Fav 11 1152 2737
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

i lost his rear view mirror, your phone charger, and my lesbian virginity. 21 isn't shaping up too well so far.

Fav 13 3838 1117
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We are not turning the camelbak into a beer bong

Fav 10 1697 968
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just realized I left my heels in their microwave. Whoops.

Fav 5 2376 1148
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Meet me at the corner of "what the fuck" and"how'd you get in my bed" in 10 minutes.

Fav 8 3458 1121
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Its 11am, im in the city in a pocahontas outfit, lost a heel and found a gold rolex in my lingerie.

Fav 15 4311 1770
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That's the last time you call me to prove to some girl at a bar that you're English. It's bad enough that you actually get to fuck them because of it without having to wake me up to seal the deal.

Fav 6 2989 1129
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Any coincidence your getting married tomorrow and it's the most predicted day for the rapture? Just saying

Fav 12 3424 1228
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

Fav 8 2301 1312
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

He said "I wish they sold 40's in bars".. and a business plan came to mind. Maybe I CAN do something with my degree...

Fav 8 2577 1009
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

theres a wall by my room thats like, a prime fucking wall. before i move out SOMEBODY is gonna fuck me on that wall, goddamnit.

Fav 11 4045 1003
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Can you give me a hickey quick? Im going to a white trash themed party. Completely serious

Fav 9 4783 1106
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I actually enjoy jerking off to her facebook more than I enjoy actually fucking her. Just something with our generation

Fav 12 1401 3470
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

Fav 13 3670 1065
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence

Fav 14 2904 902
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

If I don't throw up the day I graduate i'll feel like the last 4 years and thousands of dollars spent on alcohol will have been wasted.

Fav 4 2444 997
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

I was naked with an australian flag taped to my boobs. Damn internationals think they can claim everything.

Fav 8 4135 1097
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

Fav 15 4769 1258
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

No. I do not want to discuss your lesbian tendencies with my sister.

(1-651): View more from Minnesota

She still started it.

Fav 7 3140 1261
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Its funny that cleaning up pieces of water balloons and shot glasses every morning is becoming a routine

Fav 6 2451 1038
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

My mom's 50 year old alcoholic friend just told me about how she was more whoreish then us at our age. Challenge accepted.

Fav 15 5317 1393
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of romance is drunkenly leaving me dead dandelions on my car in the middle of the night

Fav 11 2771 1274
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Hey. Can you be so hung over that you get a rash?

Fav 8 1172 2766
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

For your information i will be shotgunning whiskey on may 21st.

Fav 6 2262 936
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You said eat breakfast. So i poured Baileys on top of m&m's. It taste just like like cereal I swear.

Fav 4 3571 1047
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

My mom and dad are smoking a joint while lecturing me on what to bring and how to act in Europe. I'll finish this glass of wine and head over.

Fav 9 4094 1071
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

My relaxing drive may end up as a surprise bootycall in Pittsburgh. Don't try to stop me.

Fav 6 2712 865
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I inspected his penis with a mini flashlight to check for visible stds...he was clean

Fav 17 1674 2994
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

We made the bar tender tell us how he proposed to his girlfriend. In detail. While we made gushing noises. We are embarrassments to females everywhere

Fav 7 2698 1070
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...

Fav 9 2675 1157
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Are you absolutely against sleeping in your car? Because i've done that before.

Fav 6 1896 1766
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Woke up this morning in a randoms bed clutching an airplane ticket. God I hope I'm still in the country

Fav 9 4649 1490
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

Fav 10 1509 4448
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

Fav 20 3823 1742
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I have to think about this realistically and not with my vagina.

Fav 10 3052 1316
share tweet
(661): View more from California

i can now proudly say that ive peed off of a balcony overlooking the pacific ocean AND a balcony overlooking the atlantic ocean

Fav 14 4426 1291
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

There's cake. And donuts. And strippers. It's like 5 year old me and 20 year old me are throwing a party together...

Fav 13 5341 1418
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Yes I want to fuck your friends but it's out of respect and love for you.

Fav 12 2849 2271
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I have a king size bed, I guarantee multiple orgasms, and I'll give you a ride home in the morning. Respond quickly.

Fav 45 10474 1694
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

For my 21st birthday, I require a kiddy pool filled with vodka. Make it so.

Fav 7 3700 1048
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

she got into med school, i feel dumb for banging her dance major friend

Fav 8 1423 2323
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

Fav 13 2262 1412
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I love that the power of margaritas brought us back together.

Fav 3 2076 1531
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

we tried to steal a tractor last night. you should have come out.

Fav 9 2730 1087
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He left his own bachelor party to bring me weed. Then smoked with me. Tell me I'm not his favorite-ex-friends-with-benefits.

Fav 12 3734 1433
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

Yes my plan is to drink the college out of me so i can be an adult by monday

Fav 2 2883 1044
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

There was just way too much discussion about my penis at that party

Fav 5 2678 939
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nothing like a 3am firealarm to kick a booty call out...

Fav 5 2781 1076
share tweet
(819): View more from Quebec

I am trapped in a bar with french tattooed drug dealers who also blow glass art. Just in case this is bad, know what happened.

Fav 4 2620 1068
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

still finding ketchup in my shoes. thanks to graduation that is probably the last time ill ever say that..

Fav 4 1688 989
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

during a bj, his alarm went off and he said "At the buzzer"

Fav 15 3152 1719
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at breakfast at my kid's school and I have noted at least 3 other parents with last night's red wine mouth and bleary eyes. I don't know why I always get so paranoid.

Fav 4 3004 1115
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I think I slept in the cheesecake last night. Either that or I had a wet dream. Whatever happened I need to wash my pants.

Fav 10 2713 1570
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

His beard is glorious and he smells like barbecue. Introduce me to him.

Fav 10 4021 1467
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'm pretty sure whiskey overrules bulimia in the eyes of Texas boys

Fav 10 2367 1171
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

still in the ER. she tried to shotgun a bottle of corona

Fav 8 1493 3103
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

hey. so did i get tied up by a jumprope last night?

Fav 5 2342 1104
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Ok seriously I'm living off of bologna but I have 4 handles in the freezer.

Fav 9 2362 1238
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

Fav 6 3344 1508
share tweet
(916): View more from California

when it says do not use on the face or genital areas, it MEANS do not use on the face or genital areas.

Fav 13 1343 3272
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

i think we should start charging the bum that sleeps on our porch rent..

Fav 17 2730 1330
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Well it was 11am and we were walking to the market with red cups in our hands yelling NO JUDGEMENT at every car that passed

Fav 4 2840 1138
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

Fav 6 2277 1160
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Alosmot hir two of of mt mailanoxwa

(708): View more from Illinois

Oh Jesus.

Fav 9 2856 1226
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I think they were cool with it, they should have know if I was the host of the baby shower it was going to involve a keg and jager shots.

Fav 8 2426 1233
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

You know the party was great when the birthday girl gets arrested

Fav 5 3665 1287
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

there are ass prints on the hood of my car.

Fav 10 3369 1341
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable

Fav 12 7658 1670
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

Fav 4 5495 1378
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

My vagina is depressed thinking about her future.

Fav 11 1111 2589
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Its like every time I go out with you, it always involves Serbian chicks and taco bell and you always manage to get both all over my bed.

Fav 9 3548 1384
share tweet
(554): View more from

No one understands that once a girl pours a handle of smirnoff all over herself, clearly she is wasted

Fav 12 2517 1340
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

There is a girl on the metro with no shoes and she's using a Crown Royal bag as a purse.

Fav 27 3797 1437
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

Ok so I could say "im sorry"...but instead ill just say "unsupervised...jager...military guys...green school bus called the juice box...and HUGE dick"

Fav 12 2961 1199
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me

Fav 12 4851 1845
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

no more duck duck goose at the bar

Fav 6 2620 1143
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

2 rounds of irish car bombs have already been taken to your 5 year sober anniversary

Fav 8 1208 1854
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Counseling BFF to break up with her BF. We will get that 3-way

Fav 5 2503 1132
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

But i don't feel like talking to him right now. I woke up an hour ago to a picture of his penis and I AM NOT A MORNING PERSON.

Fav 4 2084 1232
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Congrats on having the best tasting nipple at the bar last night.

Fav 7 3105 1049
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Guess who won bingo at the senior center and is going to jail all in the same night?

Fav 7 4147 1231
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

He brought a jar of pickles to the party. So now I've had beer, animal crackers, AND a pickle since noon.

Fav 5 1818 996
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

After four attempts, his condom would not flush. I had to remove it with salad tongs.

Fav 17 978 3254
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

I just scrubbed chocolate off the bathtub... You better have had a damn good birthday

Fav 3 2374 1027
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

In preparation of Wine in the Woods next weekend, today we're hosting Straight Vodka in the Bathtub

Fav 5 2429 990
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

Fav 6 3130 1189
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

The druken crowd just broke into singing "God Bless America" while waiting the newlyweds to get in the limo. My friend is eating rose petals.

Fav 4 2502 2126
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

chugging beers on the train. people are staring. I would be offended if it wasn't 8:30

Fav 4 2400 1263
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day

Fav 14 3110 1315
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Woke to a half burnt 20 in my pocket, covered in mud, clothes all wet, so im assuming I didn't use that 20 you gave me for a taxi

Fav 3 2298 1296
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Yo send me the pic of me stickn my dick in the paint bucket last night

Fav 9 1619 2803
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's amazing how many friends she makes simply by carrying that flask of whiskey everywhere she goes.

Fav 8 3592 1305
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Some chick is drunk waving down a taxi with a slice of pizza.

Fav 8 2927 1169
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

Fav 6 1201 2421
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You tried to get me to kick my booty call out at 3am by tempting me with a trip to ihop

Fav 8 3257 1245
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Did we literally take a cab across the street

Fav 10 3769 1405
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Next time, showing us his dick should be his entry fee into your house.

Fav 8 2707 1324
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Coming out of the blackout mid beej was nice. Seeing her face was not.

Fav 4 1135 3367
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

just lying in bed drinking beer with a straw waiting for motivation. why?

Fav 6 2456 945
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

Fav 4 4556 1074
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

hey tell your friend im sorry for licking his mouth, that was probably inappropriate

Fav 3 2763 965
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Do you think I could put your penis on reserve for tonight or tomorrow night?

Fav 9 3581 1002
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's been so long since i rode in a trunk. I'm riding in a trunk btw

Fav 10 3968 1098
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Nothing says happy baby shower like showing up still kinda drunk from last night with an open tall boy in one hand and fries in the other.

Fav 10 2315 1080
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to replace you with a friend who will be happy when I find a huge penis

Fav 5 2805 1163
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

Fav 31 1669 3870
share tweet
(220): View more from

Dude I'm looking through my old high school year book and I circled every girl I fucked.. what was wrong with me.

Fav 14 2823 1336
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Hahhaha I literally just rolled outta bed and went to get beer in my pj's and slippers. God I love graduating

Fav 12 2674 1165
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

THERE ARE ENTIRELY TOO MANY HOT UNDERAGE GIRLS HERE FOR THIS TO REMAIN LEGAL.

Fav 19 4013 1865
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

Fav 16 4164 1768
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up spooning my guard tube. Tell me I'm not the most dedicated lifeguard ever

Fav 8 2891 1272
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

Fav 13 3486 1537
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We were sitting in my backseat and he just kept biting me and telling me we weren't at the zoo...

Fav 6 1156 2513
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Mass texted booty calls to all the guys I've hooked up with this year to commemorate the end of the semester.

Fav 9 2337 1014
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just walked into my exam wearing a mans tshirt and Alex's size 13 crocs twenty min late carrying only a pencil and my heels...I'm not real

Fav 5 4346 1463
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I've only left my bed to pee and eat nutella out of the jar with my fingers

Fav 7 2375 1397
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

so not only am i rooming with two chicks on the volleyball team, but we just put down the deposit on a hot tub. this is going to be the best summer ever for my dick.

Fav 12 4151 1136
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You sucked on the drag queens heel. It got that rough.

Fav 8 1118 2894
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.

Fav 2 1894 1184
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

I look at sleeping with him as a way to get up in the world. He will lead me on to bigger and better penises.

Fav 7 2097 1925
share tweet
(213): View more from California

there is nothing like a happy birthday present when you wake up with a bow on your vagina.

Fav 11 2982 1306
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

just printed out my drug dealers resume for him. guess the ecstasy scene slows down when kids move back home for the summer...

Fav 6 2174 1252
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

Fav 24 1584 5363
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

Fav 19 4331 1778
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

Fav 19 3051 1766
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You were almost as fucked up as I was the night I hooked up with a bob saget look alike...

Fav 7 1212 2415
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

In all seriousness, if tomorrow night becomes a heated game of Which Ex Gets To Take The Plastered Birthday Girl Home, I'm going to bow out with my integrity intact.

Fav 12 2383 1218
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He stripped down to boxers and then started flinging jello shots with a spoon into people's mouths like a catapult.

Fav 8 3213 1234
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

the only consolation to the fact that i puked in public today was that i did it down a storm drain... so at least i am a responsible public puker

Fav 6 2372 1250
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

The difference between you and me last night was that I didn't remember getting into the cab and you didnt know we were in one.

Fav 3 3341 1430
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

#1 benefit of having an equality sticker on my car: some girl flashed me while i was driving home

Fav 16 3655 1249
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He graduated with honors. I've seen him kneeboard on dry ground and run a razor scooter into a wall...anyone can graduate with honors

Fav 6 2742 1095
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

Fav 6 2887 1079
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I have surprise drugs for everyone

Fav 11 3090 1196
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

he actually managed to pick a girl up by telling her that her skirt was ugly and she didnt do a good job with her makeup. thats some seriously low selfesteem

Fav 7 1438 3285
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just faked two orgasms bc I had too much wine and remembered mid sex that I bought doritos yesterday.

Fav 13 3651 1623
share tweet
(213): View more from California

your mom just called me and asked me why i'm not in jail with you right now.

Fav 7 4815 1359
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a long way off yet but I've started planning my eviction party. Be prepared, it includes jungle juice.

Fav 3 2383 1005
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

She ate the cookie then went to the emergency room. Now her fam is pressing charges. Don't people understand you DON'T steal baked goods from potheads??

Fav 24 2313 3188
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

who has that picture of us looking like alcoholics at the zoo?

Fav 4 2530 1119
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

Fav 14 2400 2947
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Are you in a cab?

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm close- can you order me a bowl of vodka?

Fav 3 2751 1149
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I can't wait till you move in so I can stop drinking alone.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

it's a Wednesday?

(419): View more from Ohio

:)

Fav 4 3466 1228
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Making jello shots drunk, i apologize ahead of time if they are too strong Can't taste anything.

Fav 4 2966 1189
share tweet
(661): View more from California

1. They have gold fish races every wednesday. 2. They have a redbull vodka slushie. We need to visit this place.

(1-661): View more from California

1. My fish will beat your fish. 2. Were getting fucked up

Fav 12 4806 1436
share tweet
(760): View more from California

i'm pregaming while finishing a paper on cardio myocyte contractility in mice. i'm kicking finals week's ass right now

Fav 6 2517 1071
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

you took my bottle from me saying i was unprepared for its magical qualities. then you buckled it in the backseat.

Fav 10 3291 1243
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Lesbians are nicde people they do not take debit cards

Fav 8 2180 1236
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

Fav 10 2453 1211
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

Best part of failing a semester of college: not having to buy books next semester. I can drink to that

Fav 15 1650 2860
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

For some reason there are two like 10 year old black girls crumping at the bar. I feel like I'm in a missy elliot video.

Fav 6 3436 1644
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i feel sorry that you can never enjoy the feeling of shaved balls

Fav 8 2568 1461
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY

Fav 11 3870 1692
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked my phone. Sometime last night I googled sex positions in a tent. Was there even a tent there?

Fav 2 2885 952
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

She wasn't to happy when she went to put her shirt on and it was covered in cum I just looked at her and said collateral damage....

Fav 6 3124 1483
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I just want to make mistakes. Like stds that go away with antibiotics mistakes.

Fav 5 1524 2814
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just had to throw up on the floor of my car during traffic on the way to work. Car next to me saw both times. Found the downside to having a job right after graduation.

Fav 4 1043 2203
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

judging by my wet hair I would guess I showered at the bartenders apt last night?

Fav 4 2360 1120
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You promised me a handle of vodka if I took home her ugly friend. Thanks to law class I took for the 2nd time I know that's a unilateral contract asshole

Fav 15 3195 1294
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Apparently the cops have a video of me singing bob seger "Night moves".

Fav 9 2991 1039
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

im taking a nap outside. wake me up in an hour.

(607): View more from New York

way to go to work and not wake me up. when you get home youre rubbing me with aloe and giving me a blowjob. no excuses

Fav 10 5036 1568
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I don't care how high you are, you can't finger me while eating potato chips.

Fav 14 3546 2170
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Me+graduation party+hammered drunk+polish horseshoes in the dark= black eye, crying, pissed, passed out in my dress... How was your weekend?

Fav 6 1342 2225
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big

Fav 12 2225 3193
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He completely dissapeared at the baseball game. We found him passed out at the hotel three hours later with souviner photos of himself at the top of the Sears Tower.

Fav 8 5220 1136
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

You tried taking his shirt off at the bar. He was 37 and married with kids.

Fav 6 1504 3105
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

Fav 18 9106 1475
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

Fav 9 4022 1376
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok that kid was ether gay or 12 with a beard.

Fav 4 2273 1498
share tweet
(213): View more from California

"thanks for the sex" was written in lipstick on my bathroom mirror. i'm officially done with random hook ups.

Fav 17 3489 1564
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

They wouldn't let me go to sleep at the police station while I was waiting to bail u out. YOU OWE ME

Fav 5 1482 2467
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

Fav 11 2141 5484
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

Fav 16 3884 1253
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

The only way I could get him to agree to hook up with her is telling him I'd hook up with him next week.

Fav 13 3182 1845
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I smoked a bowl while he ate me out, you need to change your major to match making asap. You are a guru of love.

Fav 13 5885 1558
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

They found a chair, duct taped me to it, then gave me a bottle of vodka to 'make me feel at home'

Fav 4 2449 1012
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

Fav 6 2628 1650
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I was carrying him baywatch style into my place because he passed out.

Fav 4 1336 1635
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Well, at least he doesn't refer to you as his associate. his mattress associate

Fav 3 2637 1192
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Yeah well margarita Wednesday already came twice this week and it's just now Wednesday

Fav 6 3178 995
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Want to get together for a boner voyage before you leave?

Fav 4 3147 1107
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I got kicked out of the bar but no one cared, I dont have any money so i stayed outside with the bouncer for an hour and he got so sick of me he let me back in on the condition that i cant leave my seat. VISIT ME

Fav 5 4553 1189
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Been home for 3 days and already spiked coffee with Kahlua. Only 106 till we go back to school

Fav 10 2522 969
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener

Fav 8 2269 1857
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

There are 3 guys sitting in the elevator in lawn chairs wearing sunglasses and holding beers. the hallway rugs are stuffed in a trash can. i've never been so glad to be sober.

Fav 2 3332 1164
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.

Fav 1 2298 1044
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

In all fairness I did warn the guy I just spray tanned before we had sex so I hold no responsibility for the bronzer all over his sheets

Fav 7 1466 2377
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Well, she's officially disappointed in me. I have it writing.

Fav 5 1293 2043
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

so does the 200 for rent and 150 for utilities include the never telling my boyfriend about the guys i bring home.. or is that extra?

Fav 28 1903 3868
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

And then I learned that we are dating when I said it's out of line to bring fuck buddies home to meet the parents. And then I was single.

Fav 7 1575 3609
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I was still in a towel. We hadn't even started drinking yet and the champagne bottle dropped and exploded literally up into my vagina.

Fav 17 3675 2203
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

Fav 17 4463 1373
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Not many best friends can say they've all made out with a homeless guy

Fav 8 1232 3115
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So I've gone into the break room to heat up a styrofoam cup 8 times over the course of 4 hours.. that desperate to see him. Now I have a broken heart AND cancer.

Fav 5 1273 3460
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

Fav 12 3099 1029
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

Please tell me I did not ask the bartender how big his dick was.

Fav 12 3482 1792
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

If i pass out for a while at graduation, please atleast TRY to wake me?

Fav 5 2703 1110
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

Fav 10 4690 1395
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I started drinking at around 8.. Started heavily drinking around 815.

Fav 3 3821 1439
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I refuse to go to this wedding alone, or sober. Practice drunk-walking in heels and a Bridesmaid dress begins tonight.

Fav 4 2725 1189
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

my mom was in labor with me for 32 hours, it's only fair to start drinking now.

Fav 10 2812 1168
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Sorry my moustache came off because I was face first in a layered bucket full of jello shots.

Fav 1 2221 1152
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

his apartment was in a funeral home, walk of shamed through a visiation in the skankiest outfit i own

Fav 11 2004 3930
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Let's just say, at one point i got woken up at 4am by a naked guy who was offering me steak, in a cup.

Fav 9 3673 1328
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I feel more comfortable going down on her then actually kissing her.

Fav 19 1698 3971
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

She has puke in her hair, is missing a shoe and is now crying. People trust her to be their child's teacher

Fav 16 2630 2861
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

so according the 72 facebook statuses i put up last night that i don't recall, i would say it was a success. how about you?

Fav 7 3178 1117
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I took us ten minutes to realize the shower sex going upstairs was the reason the kitchen ceiling was flooding.

Fav 2 2379 1479
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well the pizza delivery man was either startled or incredibly intrigued to see me skateboarding in the living room by myself at 1 in the morning in ripped pantyhose

Fav 9 3414 979
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Dude they have your information. Come back. The sheriffs office is here, they are pissed..please come back otherwise jail is inevitable. Call me

Fav 9 1344 4461
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I'm promising sexual favors in return for his responsible life decisions. Now THIS is growing up.

Fav 5 2861 1029
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i think the beer goggles wore off after hearing the story of her 2nd abortion

Fav 7 1405 4985
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Some guy seriously just got Jimmy Johns delivered to him at the graduation ceremony. This cannot be real life.

Fav 8 5698 1246
share tweet
(551): View more from New Jersey

I'm drunk on a monday night. Not a good start to finals week

Fav 6 2620 1207
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I need to find my pants, a way out of here, and a cheeseburger.

Fav 9 4077 1224
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We got kicked out after you decided to chase your shot using the soda gun behind the bar.

Fav 5 3322 1002
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

ride him like a prized pony all the way to orgasm town.

Fav 14 6689 1328
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

Fav 5 2836 1126
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

Fav 11 3617 1342
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

ur roommate just sent me a pic of us fucking. i'm not coming over anymore.

Fav 12 1960 4507
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I cleaned out the fridge, had to pound the brews. I am going to be wrecked for my final at 1

Fav 5 2422 1254
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.

Fav 22 1815 3646
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

i just complicated the hell out of my summer by fucking him this early on

Fav 9 3162 1428
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

his roommates said i can move in if i promise to only drink tequila the rest of the semester. challenge accepted.

Fav 19 4332 1350
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm laying outside on my patio attempting to get sun with a puke bucket next to me... This is dedication to the tan my friend

Fav 6 2540 1362
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

No it was after you showed us his fraternaty letters shaven out of your pubes

Fav 7 1358 3017
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

It's also dangerous to ride a bike down the stairs after a few beers, but I've done it.

Fav 4 2701 1043
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt

Fav 7 2478 1511
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(707): View more from California

We're playing fucking games. GAMES. THIS IS BULL SHIT. IM GOING TO THROW UP ON THE BABIES AND LEAVE.

Fav 9 1607 2606
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

He came inside me, looked me in the eye and said, "Happy Mother's Day"

Fav 26 2585 9621
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

Fav 5 5103 1238
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone tried to flush pizza down the toilet. Well, at least tried to

Fav 5 1224 2551
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Wheres my "thanks for using birth control effectively and not contributing to the downfall of society" card.

Fav 12 4815 1189
share tweet
(626): View more from California

and then you seriously asked him to senior prom..which freaked him out since you told him earlier you were 22

Fav 3 3475 1324
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks

Fav 22 5617 1471
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

My last google search was 'bulk asian wives' I don't know either

Fav 7 3460 1392
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i wasn't going to tell her about the threesome but i had to explain the tree and the green paint everywhere

Fav 4 2887 1117
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

The EMTs said they would give me as many blankets as I wanted if I didn't pee in the ambulance. They even turned on the sirens.

Fav 44 4079 1341
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

He started to lose his balance halfway through his "commencement speech" at the top of the staircase. The rest is bloody, profanity-laiden history.

Fav 4 2964 1113
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Jesus once told his disciples that its better to hang out with your best friend than give some douche bag a bj.

Fav 23 5968 1458
share tweet
(707): View more from California

And when he pulled me off the bathroom floor, he just looked at the cat litter stuck to my chin and said "oh sweetie" and shook his head. I think my dad's officially given up hope.

Fav 13 1679 4413
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I met her tumbling down the stairs chugging Captain Morgan. I'm not sure why she has the better reputation either.

Fav 6 2948 1120
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I don't care how many kiddie pools are in our house. One is too many.

Fav 6 2532 1653
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

sudden memory flashback: you and i having sex on the bed, erin sitting naked in your desk chair drinking whiskey straight from the bottle while harassing you for your computer password to play some "mood music." high five. go us.

Fav 11 5243 1316
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She went dumpster diving. Found flourescent light bulbs, carpet samples and $15. We got a bottle of Popov, played star wars and threatened random people with the carpet. Get on our level.

Fav 15 5587 1292
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Me and my vagina aren't speaking at the moment.

Fav 10 1614 2647
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I just did a sobriety test in a tutu.

Fav 5 3653 1071
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I want a grilled cheese and an IV

Fav 5 2652 1155
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

the point of no return was when you "drugged" his drink with glitter. face-planting on his dick was beyond.

Fav 7 2466 1223
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

Fav 5 2562 958
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

Fav 22 7626 1297
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you are no longer the only person who has watched me drunkenly pee on their furniture.

Fav 3 1224 2480
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

Fav 5 3173 1601
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

You were hanging upside down on the subway with your feet in the stirrup handle bars. the children were amused.

Fav 2 4096 1004
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

Fav 7 2662 2266
share tweet
(626): View more from California

There's a big bag of salt and vinegar chips and a Budweiser for when you wake up. Don't say I never did anything for you.

Fav 4 3481 1034
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Spent 200 bucks on a stripper for a good night hug. I give up.

Fav 20 1294 4229
share tweet
(619): View more from California

He screamed "Hug me!" and dove into the bushes. How he gets laid every weekend is beyond me.

Fav 9 3632 1203
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just tried to puke while my RA was trying to puke in the stall next to me.bonded for life

Fav 6 2856 1158
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'll pull you in a wagon. You'll have a sash and a crown on and we'll sing "All the Single Ladies"

Fav 7 3309 1382
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

Fav 12 3434 1112
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

The pride tent is doing free lube tastings. There is also a mechanical bull.

Fav 8 3866 1288
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There is a slip-n-slide in the hallway and a girl just did it topless cuz I told her it was my birthday. Where are you?

Fav 12 6795 1388
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

there seems to be a considerable amount of hair missing from my left hand. i may have lit it on fire again

Fav 11 2435 1438
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

Fav 8 4728 1102
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

She actually pushed her roomie out of the way and said 'You already fucked him it's my turn!'

Fav 12 4909 1712
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there's a guy pushing a keg up the street in a shopping cart. you have to love graduation

Fav 1 3187 978
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Helped an old lady on crutches throw away her mcdonalds, carried her stuff to the car and helped her get in...most productive cinco de mayo hands down

Fav 15 3082 1431
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Babe. Honestly. Trust me. Your balls are not that big. And i'm eager.

Fav 8 2717 1317
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

Fav 6 3007 1044
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

Suuuuuuper drunk and just sang fuck her gently to the chiminea. I'm in bad shape.

Fav 3 2105 1221
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

Fav 11 1566 2695
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.

Fav 11 2765 1264
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Uhh, there's a legit bruise on my boob.. Again how does he manage this

Fav 11 2256 1173
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Hate the very realistic pregnancy dreams. Like my dream when I birthed the pirate ships. SO REAL...

Fav 6 2332 1257
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

Fav 3 4300 1010
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

who am I kidding I don't have any dignity. Plus we're not doing a porno, we're just doing random things naked

Fav 4 2942 945
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he made a bald eagle out of coke lines

Fav 5 2520 1248
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I made him go down on me for 40 mins then pretended to pass out. I swear, I'm like a boy.

Fav 22 6396 1560
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I have my ice chest next to my bed. Instead of breakfast in bed, its beers in bed. 10x better

Fav 7 2765 920
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just need to go to a bar tonight wrapped in an American flag singing the national anthem

Fav 6 2470 1525
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

apologized to him about 10 times for being drunk. told him about 15 times that he was "really pretty"

Fav 4 2784 1129
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.

Fav 15 4994 1805
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

Fav 7 3673 1329
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

some people offered us free beer as long as we shotgunned it and after you shotgunned four without pausing they took their offer back

Fav 10 5156 1290
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

there was 12 of us, girls included, shirtless and wielding swords as we bet on rock paper scissors in the middle of the bar. It was like Cinco de Mayo version of the Deer Hunter

Fav 3 2735 1266
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

did i paint my nails blue or do i need to make a trip to the ER?

Fav 10 2316 1591
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

ugh i can't even wear this perfume anymore. it just brings back blurry memories of blowjobs and regret.

Fav 13 2288 2079
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Hello you've reached the get a clue corp. Our business hours are from take a hint to figure it out, eastern standard time. If you prefer to leave a message, don't, call back when you're not crazy, fat, and annoying.

Fav 7 6283 1804
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

sitting on my lesbian neighbors couch, sexting, & eating a burrito.. that single

Fav 3 2559 1307
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

Fav 20 3280 1572
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

im drunk. people are steering their children away from me. whatever it is that you called for, I assure you that I don't care. have a good night

Fav 4 3051 1079
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Finals week has gone away, doo dah doo dah, drink martinis naked day oh da doo dah day

Fav 3 5246 1316
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

there's sperm and chicken noodle soup everywhere

Fav 12 1456 3124
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

hes like my own personal sex toy i use him on the weekends and then i have the option to put him away all week

Fav 9 3336 1188
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah we call her cincohandjabos because she gave 5 guys handjobs one night in 5th grade

Fav 22 2300 3714
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

Fav 33 11717 1646
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Going stoned out of mind to my sociology exam because it's really just a pizza party. I love community college.

Fav 17 3731 1225
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

You actually went to class. Im eating dry cereal naked and watching bring it on.

Fav 10 3963 1193
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i'm sorry i gave your brother a handjob while you were on the blanket next to us, but to be fair your back was turned.

Fav 18 3184 2170
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Friends bring friends secret work margaritas. my pink water bottle is in the cupboard

Fav 14 4264 1230
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

decision: in honor of being in new orleans this weekend all my drunk texts will be en francais

Fav 9 2815 1145
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.

Fav 7 3104 1160
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

Fav 10 4355 1571
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

And by "got a tattoo" i mean i got a tattoo in the dorm bathrooms with a guy using his cousin's tattoo gun.

Fav 5 1208 4077
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.

Fav 6 2841 926
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

composition of my stomach right now: 60% C8H10N4O2 * H2O (coffee), 20% CaCO3 (pepto bismol/tums), 10% HCl (stomach acid), 5% fried rice, 5% residual adderall. i can do that by percent mass too. fuck you finals.

Fav 13 5643 1317
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Should we pre-order food to the ER for cinco de mayo?

Fav 5 2823 933
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We got the idea to smoke under his bed because, and I quote, "it'd be just like going camping"

Fav 7 3126 926
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

well he is only 50 percent black.. but after last night i am 100 percent not going back

Fav 33 4608 1760
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Im gonna need you to always be ready for drinking or this will never work. grow up peter pan.

Fav 5 3600 1240
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

votre penis est TRES GRAND. i used vous because your penis is SO big

Fav 15 3100 1096
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

Fav 9 1416 2685
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

there are people swimming in the fountain next to the library... hello senior week

Fav 5 3445 1177
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Finished the final in under ten minutes and then puked in the bushes outside. I don't even care if I graduate anymore.

Fav 17 1580 3339
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Slipping me an edible before my ochem final was not your brightest idea. Looks like I'm switching to business.

Fav 14 1116 3192
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

You never did explain why you were in wal-mart with a wok full of popcorn.

Fav 6 2599 1373
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

Fav 8 4267 1005
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

So here i am dipping ice cream in my vodka and watching the bad girls club on demand. This is not ok

Fav 6 1539 2687
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

He talked me into making a sex video, no worries though, I was wearing sunglasses.

Fav 16 4483 1525
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I guess at this point I should stop judging guys on their looks and more on their major and trust fund. Growing up sucks.

Fav 13 3920 1522
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

Fav 19 4355 1525
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4308 1038
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

The question is do I invite my fuck buddy to my graduation party now that my girfriend found out about her?

Fav 11 1439 3877
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The calves of my jeans are covered in jello shots from Sunday, how desperate do I have to be before I start licking them?

Fav 3 920 2620
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You can't just send the picture of my vagina back to me, 2 months after we broke up, and make small talk out of it.

Fav 9 1504 3006
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I stole another quarter from the bathroom. I'm slowly getting rich drinking here.

Fav 4 2134 977
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

Fav 13 3670 1133
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

Fav 18 6929 1478
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

hold on, were in the kitchen painting a yellow brick road to my vagina on my leg with black light paint.

Fav 13 3760 1218
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

Fav 12 3355 1183
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

the water pistols in the freezer are full of voddka.

Fav 11 3235 995
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

Fav 15 1312 3610
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Apparently Bin Ladens last act of terrorism is cock blocking me....

Fav 11 1779 3955
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

Fav 4 3292 921
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Needing to keep one leg on the floor during sex so you dont spin should qualify for some kind of drunk award.

Fav 5 2739 885
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

Registered sex offender is the model in class today.... There are too many things wrong with him getting naked in front of a lot of college students.

Fav 11 1184 3418
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Do you know how hard it is to write about pediatric crohn's when we're trying to figure out the keg situation for graduation?

Fav 3 2340 1567
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

went from writing my paper to watching obamas speech to crushing beers and singing springsteen in a crowd of 100 within 20 minutes. I love this country

Fav 8 5423 1272
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Security said no more parties of this kind. To me that translates to Theme party this weekend.

Fav 5 2809 954
share tweet
(619): View more from California

the ball fondling will be left out of the trip recanting

Fav 9 1676 1020
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

Fav 18 4315 1404
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Do you think you can get drunk by standing in a tank of vodka if it is seeping into your skin?

Fav 20 3323 1206
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i just remember pinky promising you guys to take care of him.

Fav 2 2085 1039
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've started bribing my dorm's security guard with cookies so that he doesn't tell all the boys i'm hooking up with about each other.

Fav 24 4934 1341
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

koolaid chicken. i marinated it for 2 hours and roasted it on a rock in a fire. it was bright blue and raw. but that shit was tasty

Fav 29 1833 4498
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Osama's death just kick started our Cinco de mayo celebration. Margaritas for anyone wearing red white and blue!

Fav 14 3378 1313
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Although, to be fair, I am both willing and going to lick marshmallow fluff off of your dick.

Fav 17 4677 1300
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

She said I came to for a minute, shouted IHOP!! and then shook my head and said no before passing out again

Fav 3 2579 1087
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Unlimited sex for unlimited netflix. I can deal with that. I think this is the first prostitution deal for netflix ever.

Fav 14 3801 1214
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Totalylr drunk. Coveredc in cryola marker. Loving it. Straight men everywhere. Don't be surprises when I'm pregbat romorrowwwww

Fav 13 4187 1610
share tweet
(619): View more from California

She whispered into my eat that she wanted me to fuck her while her parrot watched...

Fav 14 1612 3750
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can you explain to me why I woke up with my hands tied to the hotel bed with the phone cord???

Fav 15 2819 1342
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I went to a bar in my pajamas last night. I'll be there again tonight in a wolf costume.

Fav 6 3424 1146
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face

Fav 27 4503 1859
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

What would you do if you came home and i was in nothing but the table cloth?

Fav 13 3048 1028
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

say it with me now .. the "golden" penis. his nickname does not disappoint.

Fav 5 2454 1079
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'm pregaming for my hair cut. Working two jobs definately taught me how to use my time wisely...

Fav 3 1864 1063
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

When you accidentally type "I want Prince William to fuck me in the ass" to your mom there's really no way to take that back.

Fav 18 4778 2542
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Only you would think wine and coffee was an acceptable finals study time mix

Fav 5 1913 1136
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Ill trade u your bra for a run to the liquor store...

Fav 4 2312 1099
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat

Fav 8 3361 1242
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

She alternated between blowing me and feeding me bites of the sandwich she made for me.

Fav 35 8304 2169
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

Fav 10 5540 2069
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Did I tell you I had a charge show up for $36 on a credit card I haven't used in 6 months from Wild Wings? It was that night we slept across the street from the bar.

Fav 10 2510 1703
share tweet
(889): View more from

found inexpensive tickets to Norway. Questioning if its legal. PLEASE tell me you remebered the walkie talkies and face paint.

Fav 3 3044 1631
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Subtly mention that I'm not a lesbian. I would only go for rebecca's nipples because they're pierced and I like shiny things.

Fav 9 4696 1932
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Woke up with two cats staring at me. One covered in puke thats giving me a look that says it might be my fault. Where am I? Come get me.

Fav 10 3670 1938
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

You have to come over we all bought drinking hats. Mine has a turtle on it. Side note: somehow someone got their hands on 50 candied apples and we need to eat them...

Fav 4 2910 1060
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Semen is not good for contacts.

Fav 10 1348 3561
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I can't do a walk of shame with a sombrero full of baby chickens

Fav 5 4038 1208
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Being the only sober one.. I had to feed you guys doritos. You kept licking my fingers.

Fav 7 3519 1466
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

You dislocated his arm and then bought him two shots to numb the pain while you pushed it back in

Fav 5 3091 1466
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry for my penis texting you last night, I can't control what he wants at 4am.

Fav 16 5471 1446
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i was laying in her brothers bed, in his old room. and i kept getting the chills. i didn't know if it was a draft or the ghosts of BJ's past.

Fav 5 2207 1299
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

Fav 16 3208 1871
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

Fav 6 2947 1519
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Pregnancy scare over. Let the cockfest begin.

Fav 36 4433 1993
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I just had some guy offer to eat me out on my lunch break... I think single life is getting better everyday

Fav 8 3994 1223
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Attention: due to the power outage we will not be playing drinking games and watching the royal wedding. Bring your own bottle and we'll just drink in silence.

Fav 6 2631 1332
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

Fav 7 3621 1240
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I have to take his virginity. It's what God put me on earth for. It's my life mission.

Fav 19 3618 1345
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He was with one girl when I went to bed, wad with another when I woke up and now he just told me he was with a 3rd in-between last night and this morning. Jesus Christ.

Fav 13 3652 1339
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Everytime I am with a guy I hope his penis is as big as yours. It never is. Thanks for setting that bar.

Fav 12 5194 1807
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Soo time for a life change, my 6 yr old sister made my gf a puke bucket for her birthday

Fav 10 3386 1864
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

if i find out your the one who pierced my belly button im going to fuck your sister again

Fav 14 7511 1779
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You have proved your worthiness to join me on the quest of taking shots at every academic building on campus by showing up drunk to our test at 12:30 today

Fav 4 2815 1270
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

Fav 21 5745 1493
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

Fav 21 3946 2078
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

Fav 21 5018 1507
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i mad aa ber float. budweiser nd ice creem. it amzig.

Fav 7 2759 1266
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Let's have sex soon. Just us!! Its sad that I have to specify.

Fav 6 4553 1516
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He apologized for his naked psychotic episode and then we had goodbye sex on his sailboat

Fav 7 3194 1222
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

i don't know how it's possible. but i just bought groceries for a week with the money i made off returning empties

Fav 9 3060 1259
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1554
share tweet
(831): View more from California

Just saw a cop give four blondes gas for their car on their way to Vegas. They seriously ran out of gas and called 911 about it. Its like a porno plot.

Fav 20 6880 1570
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

They both just did a shot, head butted each other, did another shot and then slapped each other in the face. These could be the two guys we've been looking for all our lives

Fav 13 5070 1516
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

Fav 11 4062 1729
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

Fav 8 2738 1583
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

Fav 16 6690 1665
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.

Fav 21 2758 1463
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

they were fucking between cars in the parking lot and everyone was cheering at them.

Fav 2 3511 1177
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

while i was sleeping he changed my screen saver to his dick with a heart frame around it. I just might be falling in love.

Fav 6 3596 1275
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Alive...but barely. Had dinner with my parents tonight which was conveniently located near where i left my car, phone, and self respect

Fav 1 2597 1295
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

incase your class ends early, there are three naked guys in our room. but don't get too excited, they're all gay.

Fav 8 1813 2978
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he was like the dessert in the all you can eat man buffet that has become my life.

Fav 12 2450 1269
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

when she first told me she hooked up with him my initial response was to shout "WE HAVE SOMETHING IN COMMON!"

Fav 3 2937 1382
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

We are probably going to have to use your boobs as currency to get this done

Fav 4 3803 1462
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6204 1572
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

We're gonna have the chick that teaches kindergarteners to fold origami roll the joints.

Fav 5 3586 1303
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.

Fav 27 6080 1525
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

One minute we were getting noise complainted by the security guards the next I was shotgunning a beer with them

Fav 8 3687 1326
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

So hungover. They actually hid easter eggs around me.

Fav 4 2587 1021
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3369 1165
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

There's nothing like sitting directly behind someone you fucked 5 years ago at church on Easter Sunday

Fav 12 3562 1444
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just because you put plan b in my Easter basket doesn't give you an excuse not to wear a condom.

Fav 17 3991 1746
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

Fav 14 3656 1843
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

Fav 9 3087 1393
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

Fav 14 5492 1480
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Fav 10 3622 1695
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

Fav 5 2837 1555
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Saturday dinner is funfetti cake and merlot. Singlehood has come to this.

Fav 4 2717 1298
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

how do you feel about lunch break shots ?

Fav 8 3427 1210
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

Fav 11 3312 1188
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

At what point did we decide It was a good idea t have a wheelbarrow race in the parking lot?

Fav 7 2633 1220
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

Fav 20 1581 4012
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

Fav 17 5504 1546
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

Fav 16 4401 1881
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I had to rush to my room and get my vibrator off my bed i didn't want him to know how long it's been since I had a decent fuck.

Fav 8 3034 1442
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i just saw you make out with a girl with facial hair...just thought i would document that in case you forgot

Fav 4 1325 3223
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I actually had fun getting arrested. That high.

Fav 6 3359 1343
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's locked herself in the bathroom with a tub of icecream and she's watching my little pony on her phone. We know it cause she sings with them.

Fav 12 4109 1622
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

Fav 7 1337 3345
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

Fav 10 2927 1370
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So if you want this MFM threesome thing to happen the other guy is here and willing

Fav 15 3792 1622
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Scratch that. Good bye liver, good bye clothes, good bye dignity. Hello awesome weekend

Fav 5 4117 1264
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.

Fav 8 4435 1289
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.

Fav 7 3712 2099
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

Fav 6 2314 1158
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Things you owe me: a sober apology, $12, the removal of bbq sauce from my doorknob

Fav 2 2789 1167
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I hope he didn't notice that my shirt was inside out when I told him I didn't have sex with the guy. Kind of a dead giveaway.

Fav 11 3084 1772
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

she demanded that I make her breakfast too so im in the bathroom cooking bacon with her straightener

Fav 22 4359 2292
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

Fav 14 3766 1227
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5012 1305
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

Fav 6 5735 1501
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

when he was about to finish he told me to avert my eyes and keep my lady parts away. chivalry isnt dead.

Fav 11 4594 1523
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I want to bury your face in my vagina. Possibly by force. I will try not to suffocate you though.

Fav 18 6179 2198
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

im seconds away from chugging that vodka and preforming the surgery on myself.

Fav 2 1163 2631
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The best part is when you puked in your slurpree and the 7 eleven guy still made you pay for it

Fav 5 1481 2960
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

That's science, my friend. Boner science.

Fav 7 3399 1351
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

Fav 18 3823 1345
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story

(702): View more from Nevada

they all just nodded

Fav 6 2805 1345
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

I hope the dean has a raincoat on because I'm prolly gonna throw up on him when I get my degree

Fav 4 2861 1412
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

Fav 7 3264 1216
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

Fav 6 3342 1220
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So i forgot that my head is completely wrapped in gauze, and tried to do the "come hither" look. He think's i'm brain damaged

Fav 4 3130 1693
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

Fav 19 4197 1787
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I have a cup of vodka in my bathroom with a straw in it. Yes, I am ready for this bikini wax.

Fav 10 2660 1271
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

remind me again why lemons and alcohol in the crock pot is a bad idea?

Fav 3 1841 1097
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Am I undercharging for one hour of sex per essay? I need a serious business answer.

Fav 17 2733 1359
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

he just asked if we wanted to go to an arts and crats club with him tomorrow. every day it becomes harder for me to defend his sexuality

Fav 8 1183 2479
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We woke up, fucked twice, she drank 3 warm heinekins to cure her hangover and said "Im glad you're still hott when im sober"

Fav 9 7647 1373
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6437 1597
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

She told me she was going to ride me so hard i would cum the ghosts of my ancestors...its gonna be a good time

Fav 21 7127 1711
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I slept in bed with them the night they met. I once peed on the bride. And now I get to give a speech at their wedding. Piece of cake.

Fav 8 4571 1316
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

Fav 22 5431 2011
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

Fav 11 1152 2728
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

I don't appreciate the fact that you tagged me as a giant bucket Miracle Whip.

Fav 12 2182 1484
share tweet
(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i was just offered a 40 day sex challenge. prepare for the best 40 days of your life.

(1-360): View more from Washington

oh. my. god. yes.

Fav 14 6280 1872
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

Fav 6 3796 1386
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

REAL PEOPLE DRINK 3 BEERS ALONE WILL WATCHING THE LIFETIME MOVIE ABOUT PRINCE WILLIAM AND KATE MIDDLETON

Fav 12 1590 2825
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

You haven't puked in my sink in over a year.. Youre coming over this weekend

Fav 2 2833 1202
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

pretty sure if my vagina had a mouth, it would have been smiling afterwards.

Fav 10 3799 1113
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

just fucked two guys in less than 12 hours. i miss this part of being single.

(623): View more from Arizona

and by single i mean slutty

Fav 12 3853 1328
share tweet
(661): View more from California

His penis is literally smaller than my cell phone. I can't go out like that.

Fav 14 1040 3498
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I was just tagged in a picture with a bunch of people i don't know in a house i don't recognize wearing a purple cowboy hat and a boa...i hate tequila

Fav 6 4806 1122
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm just sitting here going through her tagged pics, covering up different parts of her face to try and figure out exactly what it is that makes her so ugly.

Fav 12 1668 3150
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

Fav 24 7714 1404
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

Fav 11 3257 1907
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

The liquor store manager told us to drink responsible as we checked out and we laughed to his face. Like we're buying karkov at noon, responsibility is out of the question

Fav 8 3592 1193
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

Fav 5 4903 1267
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just got the results back. i love his dick even more now i know its clean

Fav 9 4113 1267
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

Fav 2 3790 1251
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Just caught my first cougar this fake was worth every fucking penny.

Fav 10 3721 949
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

Fav 4 2853 929
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4677 1173
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Someone apparently named 'eleaw' just text me asking if I had fun last night.

Fav 3 2141 1055
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

some crying dude holding an empty fifth of burnetts just showed up at our door and asked 'do i live here?'

Fav 12 4207 1470
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

Fav 3 2841 1718
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Hne relally is a cite oerfect gome. Nes awddddddddooooome.

Fav 9 2939 1346
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

Fav 7 3681 1145
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

Fav 13 3942 1488
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

By the way, thank you for feeding me fries when I was sitting on the floor.

Fav 6 2819 1150
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

Fav 7 4144 1275
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

Fav 18 4336 1050
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I'm sorry. I know you didn't expect me to be arm deep in vagina when you walked through the door.

Fav 14 4302 1487
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

So far we've hooked up on a pool table, on a public bathroom counter and now in a little league baseball dugout. We haven't even made to a house yet.

Fav 14 4409 1212
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Think they will judge us if our pre drink is a kiddie pool of jello shots?

Fav 6 3056 1122
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

Fav 9 3254 1751
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

There's a bed on the roof. The window behind it is too small for it to go through. I'm impressed.

Fav 4 3421 1118
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

since i'm not going, you must continue my tradition of flashing every person there.

Fav 4 2981 1013
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

Fav 6 3366 1732
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

Fav 2 2517 894
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I made him recite stats from the playoffs game last night before I would go down on him.

Fav 15 3939 1053
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

You were rubbing sand all over yourself and everyone else and claiming you were "EXFOLIATING."

Fav 5 2969 1654
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

It was perfect I came I passed out in his comfortable bed then a glass of jack Daniels fell from the bed post and spilled all over my face

Fav 10 2661 1287
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

When you start quoting save the last dance you need to stop drinking

Fav 2 2293 1271
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't know but the stairs are covered in apples

Fav 4 2756 1031
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

Fav 12 4496 1229
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

Fav 22 6576 1398
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Did everyone make it back alive?

(309): View more from Illinois

You say that with such hope.

(217): View more from Illinois

Is that a no?

Fav 3 3608 1285
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Sudden realization: I dumped him because he was too immature, yet I am the one who moved back into my parent's basement post-breakup.

Fav 5 1236 2939
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

Fav 6 3880 1618
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

Fav 6 4106 1446
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

Fav 7 3878 1352
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.

Fav 11 2479 1146
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I'm writing my will in case I die this week, it'll be saved on my computer under: little 500 death scenario

Fav 3 2333 1579
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I found out you can't leave the bar with a drink. I also found out that pouring it on the bouncers shoes is also unacceptable.

Fav 7 3070 1542
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Hmd? did you really just created an abbrievation for hold my dick?

Fav 6 3003 1200
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am and I'm sitting on the couch watching Clifford. Crying into my risotto because emily elizabeth helped the girl in the wheelchair get over her stagefright so she can win a trophy. Never drinking alone again.

Fav 3 1871 2694
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE. I WILL STOP HOOKING UP WITH GUYS EX'S FOR REVENGE.

Fav 15 2643 1311
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Drunk

(845): View more from New York

Deyhxbr

(845): View more from New York

Fucaerrrrr

Fav 10 2935 992
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

She set an alarm on my phone for her birthday. Place: Her bed.

Fav 8 4987 998
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

Fav 7 3020 1131
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Grad practice is like a live scrapbook of my drunken sexual encounters

Fav 3 2658 1107
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's been two weeks and I still have carpet burns on my knees. Well done.

Fav 12 4627 1175
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

sooo....i just remembered that someone fed me a pretzel out of their purse at the bar last night.

Fav 6 2158 1275
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Now he's galloping around the bar. I don't know whether to laugh or cry.

Fav 1 2373 891
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

He said he wouldn't use a condom because he didn't want to kill anymore trees.

Fav 8 1731 4160
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Protocol on turning down a date from someone in the House of Representatives?

Fav 22 4003 1273
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

Fav 13 6140 1367
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

Fav 25 5251 1529
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6506 1701
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

Fav 1 1886 1048
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt

Fav 10 3257 1023
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I don't think child baring hips is a compliment.

Fav 29 1652 2998
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

Fav 4 2976 994
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

Fav 3 1502 2278
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

Fav 12 4977 1518
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Your philanthropic work just got me laid, thanks dad for naming me #2.

Fav 7 2576 967
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

his dad came out and found me sleeping indian style on the couch with my cup balancing on my boobs. didn't spill a drop.

Fav 10 3920 1094
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

its time for step 4 of getting over him: post his number on the transvestite page on craigs list asking for pics

Fav 22 4447 1302
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you

Fav 9 5590 1262
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Thanks for the drunken voicemail of bird calls. Love and miss you, too.

Fav 6 3943 1163
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in my research methods class at 9:30 in the morning. We should do a quantitative analysis of my mimosa consumption.

(201): View more from New Jersey

I am both scared and jealous.

Fav 4 3265 1270
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

FACT: the parking lot attendant was yelling "NO SEX HERE! NO SEX" at yall.

Fav 7 3510 1081
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

Fav 6 3221 959
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I keep reminding myself that my vagina isn't a homeless shelter.

Fav 10 1649 3924
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

we already have meals planned for the weekend.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

SEMEN IS NOT A MEAL.

Fav 13 5375 1413
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just want to do a slip-and-slide into a giant pool of jello shots right now.

Fav 5 3378 1173
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

She said we should all be mermaids since didn't breathe for 9 months inside our mothers. I want her logic.

Fav 10 3988 1270
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

u kept pointing at random guys and making quacking or mooing sounds.

Fav 4 3094 1132
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

He snuck out of bed at 9 am and came back with pizza and a bottle of wine. I think I'm in love!

Fav 9 5089 1176
share tweet
(858): View more from California

He wanted to take a picture with our pizza to show his mom that I was pretty but more importantly that he practices in "sober" activities

Fav 3 3092 1000
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

After he called me a "spirited little girl" I realized that I need to stop sleeping with guys more than ten years older than me.

Fav 14 1458 3585
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You tried to call "time out" during the sobriety test.

Fav 4 5522 1504
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I can't leave. She doesn't trust me and my penis being out in the world without supervision.

Fav 11 3167 1563
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I don't have any swimsuits that don't show off the weird handprint bruises on my hips. Do you have a onepiece I can borrow?

Fav 6 3663 1322
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

What is the appropriate way to inform him that I am TOTALLY down for break up sex?

Fav 11 3852 1220
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

On an unrelated note: I'm also a big advocate of the "never waste a boner" theory.

Fav 3 3427 1230
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

My heart is having a hard time convincing my vagina he's not worth it.

Fav 7 3481 1369
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

Fav 5 5968 1382
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

you dragged me by my throat over to the shots. this is a new level of alcoholism..

Fav 2 2590 1373
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Fav 15 4860 1700
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4515 1399
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Pissing in la rieve gfox. Jer zsyuis diu drunk but it felt amazunbg

(920): View more from Wisconsin

Dans le librearie ivetre. Hjhaha

Fav 29 2468 1285
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

can we get together and have a vodka water gun fight? i need to get som intense excersise/alcohol

Fav 5 2512 1484
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So I cleaned out my gym bag. Found half a bottle of malibu.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

You know, I could pretend I'm shocked but what's the use?

Fav 8 3279 1142
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes

Fav 9 4359 1323
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didn't budget in chasers this month so were chasing everything with water. Sorry.

Fav 9 1580 2807
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

Fav 6 3925 1432
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Side note, we are 25 fighting over our sophmore year RAs Drunk facebook attention

Fav 6 1736 1141
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

when i tried to put the condom on he started screaming about how he didn't want his groceries bagged

Fav 16 5133 3191
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Should I tell her she gave me head in the kitchen while I was eating a cupcake or would that hurt her dignity too much?

Fav 10 3477 1138
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I should go buy the economy size box of condoms and sprinkle a path like rose petals to my bed... Think he'd get the hint?

Fav 11 4754 1374
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i swear, about 40% of my drunken life is spent having sex with him.

Fav 5 3160 1126
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3546 1093
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he has the hands of the vagina gods.

Fav 12 4896 1283
share tweet
(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

Fav 9 2071 1595
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

Fav 11 4569 1196
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

Fav 13 4329 1285
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

how you manage to cockblock me from 500 miles away still baffles me.

Fav 16 4027 2385
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Oh, and thanks to you. I'm now stuck in the living room, held hostage, listening to my roommate's "How I discovered I was bi" story. FUCK YOU.

Fav 6 1467 3199
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

Fav 16 7773 1324
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

just got tipped $5 to put a barbie in a waffle cone and drip caramel sauce on it while a group of dudes cheered and one took pics. 90% sure they were sober

Fav 10 3397 1343
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

Fav 1 2698 1193
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im trying to find a facebook picture of him that doesnt make me regret sleeping with him. its not working

Fav 5 1682 4007
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Hes flirting with her via the sauce packets at taco bell....... I have no words

Fav 9 3871 1489
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Taking back a box of condoms is possibly the most depressing thing i've ever done

Fav 9 1301 4656
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

Fav 15 6323 1986
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is it too much to get a jumbo margarita in a sippy cup right now?

Fav 6 3827 1839
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

Fav 32 9939 2305
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

The waitress bought us a round. She said if anyone could do 52 margarita mondays in a row, it was us.

Fav 3 4188 1018
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

He's got a southern drawl and a lisp. I'm getting mindfucked right now.

Fav 7 3412 1223
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

Fav 24 1846 3342
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

Fav 10 5996 1248
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

Fav 13 3355 1234
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

Had dinner with my ex husband. The box of wine is gone and I'm laying on the floor in my wedding dress. Where are you?!

Fav 13 1616 7022
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

Fav 12 4289 1317
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

Fav 28 6427 2079
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

Fav 23 7704 1289
share tweet
(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

Fav 7 3697 1132
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

Fav 19 5784 1409
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

Fav 6 3980 1340
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

Fav 28 8564 1745
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

Fav 7 1286 2567
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

Fav 45 2270 4231
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

Fav 18 2286 7087
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

Fav 8 5056 1811
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

Fav 3 2472 1113
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me

Fav 16 4199 1417
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.

Fav 13 2866 1628
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

Fav 11 3428 1413
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

If he thought that flying across an ocean to visit me in London constituted sex, he thought wrong.

Fav 26 1186 6567
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

Fav 14 3849 1065
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

Fav 31 7049 1710
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

Fav 9 1754 4851
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...

Fav 11 2744 1145
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you probably have like 11 voicemails from us, one is us singing my heart will go on while were fucking

Fav 4 3416 1142
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.

Fav 2 2170 1021
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she just punched a dude and called him a peasant for not drinking fast enough in flip cup.

Fav 16 6008 1373
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

She just referred to her vagina as "this bitch".

Fav 18 5750 1666
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Wow that was a lesbian tornado.

Fav 14 3914 1417
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

it took me 7 solid minutes to realize "egggGSaucetingf" meant "exhausting"

Fav 8 3499 1424
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

his dick makes me think maybe a monogamous relationship forever is possible.

Fav 15 4405 1464
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's only going to be home for two days, his dick is going to be in me for the whole 48 hours, he doesnt have a choice.

Fav 14 5535 1264
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I maybe just had sex outside in broad daylight. At a state park. Please be proud.

Fav 19 4141 1303
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just realized how many men I've had sex with for the first time in St. Patty's Day past. Currently sending "HAPPY SEXIVERSARY" texts...

Fav 6 2372 2062
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I don't think my arm is broken I can still text

Fav 1 2680 1292
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

Fav 7 3789 1445
share tweet
(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

Fav 13 4711 2019
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

Judging by the crutches in the living room I take it you two are fine and we aren't going out tonight?

Fav 3 1638 1791
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Green mimosas i think yes

Fav 4 1765 1171
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm trying to spell out I love you with a series of photos of my penis, but I just realized I can't do the Y of you

Fav 11 2165 1430
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

They were greeting people getting off the 48 with green beers and cheers. The one day I decide not to take the bus home...

Fav 1 1108 2214
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Btw, I'm creating an event on fb to celebrate the one yr anniversary since we went to jail.

Fav 7 3140 1186
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks Day is not the day you decide to have a sober epiphany.

Fav 3 1148 2271
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

Fav 6 3053 1185
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

Fav 20 4004 1860
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

Fav 8 3818 1278
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

Fav 7 4178 1315
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

Fav 7 3253 1334
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

Fav 3 2646 1373
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

Fav 13 1574 4207
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

Fav 10 3098 1160
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

Fav 11 3617 1332
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

We lived together for a year and neither of us knew we were both gay.

Fav 17 1868 3227
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with

Fav 11 2284 1156
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

Fav 16 4936 1380
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

as I was walking out the door her and her roommate started singing "toot it and boot it".. I'm in love

Fav 6 2875 1243
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

Fav 11 3044 1700
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.

Fav 8 3720 1168
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like today should be a " im going to have sex with you cause its raining and theres nothing else to do" kinda day

Fav 16 3862 1265
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

Fav 14 3540 1373
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.

Fav 8 1154 4548
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

Fav 12 1782 4435
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

Fav 9 3230 1829
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

Fav 8 1577 2133
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

Fav 26 5803 1398
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

Fav 11 3969 1809
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

Fav 6 4079 1093
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3732 1141
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

they're like a gay fantastic four

Fav 15 2768 1338
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

Dude before you bang that chick preheat the oven to 425 I wanna make a pizza for afties

Fav 16 5611 1299
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

Fav 6 4297 1557
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

told weddin planner we wanted to work in ceremonial body shots before vows. she hasnt reponded yet...

Fav 6 3141 1437
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

So, do you ever feel like EVERY SINGLE ONE OF YOUR FRIENDS IS INVOLVED IN A MASSIVE AND INTRICATE CONSPIRACY TO COCKBLOCK YOU AT ALL COSTS?

Fav 25 2264 4629
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

Fav 9 2174 2436
share tweet
(619): View more from California

We have a hundred jello shots. Lines will be crossed.

Fav 8 3941 1272
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

Fav 15 5537 1381
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Unless you can cure my hangover with your penis I'm not interested.

Fav 15 5178 1505
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He caught a squirrel with his bare hands twice. Where do you find these people?

Fav 15 5367 1808
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

Somehow "stranger danger" turned into making out with a 25 year old on burbon street.

Fav 4 2824 1154
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked

Fav 7 3237 1294
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

She brought a box of chocolates to give the bartender and now he's giving her free shots.. Why didn't we think of that?

Fav 6 4060 1163
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

Fav 21 8100 1542
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

And then you guys went on to show us ur sex positions from the before. Thanks

Fav 5 1834 1592
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

Fav 6 3991 1267
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel

Fav 6 2807 891
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

honestly I asked the same thing when we had our slip n slide and margarita party

Fav 6 2433 864
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

he put $150 on the cabs dash so 9 of us could pile in and ride 3 blocks to the apartment.

Fav 5 2665 1114
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

You NEED to fuck him he's a doctor with one leg. Are you kidding me right now. This will definitely make the list. Plus he buys all of us drinks.

Fav 10 3660 1161
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

im hiding in a corner. drunk. with a plate of stolen jello shots. im pretty sure people are looking for me or the jello shots.

Fav 5 4315 1860
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Okay. Did anyone see me spend $1600 at the strip club last night? Or is this someone else's receipt in my pocket?

Fav 14 1641 4834
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He just came into the room wearing nothing but a Speed Racer helmet. I think he just invented a fetish.

Fav 11 3427 1029
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

having someone tell me to "prepare my vagina" is not really something I want to hear..

Fav 16 2540 1471
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I bruised my spine.. Jungle gyms were clearly not meant for sex.

Fav 13 3862 1458
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Walking back from greek row alone at 3:30am in a child's kangaroo suit...not my proudest moment

Fav 8 3664 1399
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

The moment that kid turns 18, I will have his sperm for all three meals.

(1-352): View more from Florida

Oh God. You're going to jail

Fav 30 6472 1963
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

we've decided to start cutting you off when you can't figure out how to work an ipod.

Fav 7 3328 1403
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

he was holding his dick in one hand and my boob in the other and i looked down and thought, this is my life

Fav 13 2752 2764
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i want to find a way to basically assault his face with my vagina.

Fav 16 5327 1420
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He looked down at his phone and screamed "I'M NOT A DAD!" and then bought the entire bar a round

Fav 18 8621 1351
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

Fav 12 5907 1414
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

Fav 7 3223 1383
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

Fav 8 2668 1137
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Post-sex chicken soup was such a good idea. It's been like an hour and I'm still applauding myself

Fav 8 2938 848
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I have two stamps on my hand....ones from the bar and one is from an aquarium...care to explain?

Fav 9 4781 1171
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

we are both sitting on my bed desperately refreshing the order tracking page for dominos.

Fav 25 3626 1242
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Please tell me why 'cock-a-thon' was auto saved in my phone.

Fav 14 3286 1316
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4294 1832
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

Fav 9 4369 1025
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

Fav 39 10691 1596
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

we need to drink more beer. the fridge wont close.

Fav 12 6501 1095
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

Fav 23 6542 2098
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.

Fav 4 2616 1035
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.

Fav 7 2669 987
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

Fav 24 4421 1617
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He offered to drive me out of state to meet up with my fuck buddy. Like best brother in law ever.

Fav 6 3668 996
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

if youre pregnant and ruin my spring break i'll never forgive you.

Fav 7 1520 3690
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's a 2 hour train ride a 7 in the morning, of course we're bringing alcohol

Fav 7 3308 1155
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

Fav 18 2779 3054
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''

Fav 11 6916 2398
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Ok, let's play "if you were a slut" again and try and retrace our steps last night..

Fav 6 3075 1202
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

im failing my bio class b/c he booty calls me wednesday nights at 6 like clockwork

Fav 10 2905 1547
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Once he past out I measured his penis with my remote.

Fav 26 4216 1857
share tweet
(+27): View more from South Africa

we went to get a refill in his room and ended up having sex and passing out. then he woke me up with sex and gave me a beer for breakfast. i never want this to end

Fav 10 6755 1580
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Is all white too much for court to prove my innocents?

Fav 20 2764 1642
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

Fav 5 3538 1877
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We left at the same time. You got home three hours after I did and said you got your head stuck in a fence. I can't believe you don't remember this.

Fav 6 4811 1481
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

And then she apologized after the blow job for being too sick to deep throat. I'm in love..

Fav 19 5536 1553
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he asked my vagina if she was excited to meet Leonard. LEONARD. His fuckin penis is named Leonard.

Fav 42 2605 4945
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

This is the last weekend of getting drunk and having sex all nite with the plumber. I'm exhausted all weekend and I'm never going to finish the remodel at this rate

Fav 6 2650 1886
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

We had sex and then he fed me pie. This is the best friends-with-benefits situation ever.

Fav 16 4894 1189
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he got a charlie horse midthrust which triggered my orgasm we're still sorting this out.

Fav 8 5106 1279
share tweet
(559): View more from California

can you go into shock from having too many orgasms? i think i went into shock.

Fav 16 6238 1306
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The gym is handing out free condoms this week, motivation to work out this week?

Fav 10 3564 1353
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I'm still not walking right. We need some boundaries for "drink-or-dare"...

Fav 19 3604 1495
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I am a human short and spout . Here is my jager Herr is my redbull . When i get real drink i shout out. Tip me over and pour yeager out

Fav 16 5275 1602
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I came home to my brother stoned out of his mind. He got a high score on COD and asked me to have a celebration yogurt with him.

Fav 16 6011 1224
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

Fav 6 4798 1446
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He went into the alley to piss and came back a minute later with a case of Bud Select. I'm speechless.

Fav 11 4951 1108
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

found glitter on my cock. thank you for bringing me to that dance recital.

Fav 8 4346 1847
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I'm afraid to text her because most of the time she just replies with "cockblock."

Fav 2 1938 3286
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

I'm in class. I'm not opening a page with the words "death erection" in the link. There's people behind me lol.

Fav 11 4709 2081
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i'm on the subway and being revisted by the ghosts of tequilas past.

Fav 4 2892 2143
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Okay, we really need to start training for the St Pattys parade. 48 hours of green beer won't end well if we don't prep ourselves. 2 week bender starts now

Fav 20 3535 1953
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..

Fav 7 2655 1053
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

Fav 21 1806 4204
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

All I had with a note saying that my shoes are in the ceiling and good luck.

Fav 2 2415 1077
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Got free coffee because I told the guy at starbucks the pleats in his khaki pants made his cock look big.

Fav 15 7400 1221
share tweet
(213): View more from California

You act like I'm the first person to try and hook up with a blind chick.

Fav 14 3216 1390
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

Fav 24 7075 2396
share tweet
(951): View more from California

It took me 6months to figure out that he only had one testicle.

Fav 15 1289 3997
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sober in pajamas at a bar. Nothing is ok about that statement.

Fav 10 1634 3238
share tweet
(458): View more from Oregon

Someone just proposed in Subway. Trying not to laugh.

Fav 22 6406 2051
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

How can you turn a kayak date down? I'M TALKING RIVER HEAD HERE.

Fav 11 4314 1176
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

Fav 23 5423 1370
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.

Fav 12 3638 1214
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

Fav 13 4870 1057
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

Fav 12 3221 1425
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Nobody knew what to do when it was dead. You said fire up the George Foreman, I've never ate baby shark. She hasn't stopped crying.

Fav 9 3864 1891
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

Fav 30 9959 1580
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'll throw in a blow job for your kind ways. Or another booty call. I'm poor and not very imaginative. This is all I have to offer- the unicorn like wonders of my vagina.

Fav 15 4765 1175
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

He told me he's not in to anal. I need to marry him, ASAP.

Fav 23 6647 1516
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

He came in my nose, then said it would help clear my sinuses.

Fav 15 2050 5018
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

it was like, one of those nights where you keep going back to the fridge because you just can't get full. except, with sex.

Fav 5 5122 1108
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just had to explain to the health center why i wanted 50 condoms a month.

Fav 13 3723 1126
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

What is a reasonable amount of condoms to keep in my condom wallet without it being creepy that I have too many?

Fav 27 2950 1794
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

luckily my workout playlist doubles as a masturbation playlist.

Fav 16 3328 1361
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

Fav 5 1430 3430
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

At 4am he sent "uree asss ize anmazin"

Fav 4 4155 1216
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Quick question... Can I call you daddy? Or would that just really made the whole 8 year age gap a bigger deal...?

Fav 20 3701 2589
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

we were shitfaced at work by 8pm. I had to stop myself from pouring vodka in everyone's cappuccino.

Fav 3 3137 1401
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My math professor just asked us to draw the graph of the derivative of our drunkenness from friday to sunday. Dear Jesus this looks bad.

Fav 8 4847 1434
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I may only be a second year med student but I feel very confident in calling that a micropenis.

Fav 9 1987 4323
share tweet
(858): View more from California

the only thing keeping me going right now is the knowledge that in 2 hours i'll be drunk at the circus.

Fav 5 3734 1362
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You Were screaming "Im trying to get it in" and "stop cock blocking" while i threw you in the car

Fav 10 3601 1554
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Somewhere during foreplay he said something about me only being with two other guys... I just went with it cause we have never had that conversation...

Fav 3 2676 1722
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Ok say I was sexually attracted to a patient who also happens to be in high school...on how many levels is that illegal? And will I actually hear the laws break when I fuck him

Fav 23 5074 2331
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

He still hasn't made a move, so I slept with his brother last weekend. Maybe sibling rivalry will motivate........

Fav 21 2078 3748
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Idk how hard you fucked her, but you managed to leave permanent ass prints on my tempurpedic mattress.

Fav 15 7501 1514
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Why is it only times like these when I'm scrubbing the cum stains off my futon before my family gets here that I seriously begin to question my life choices?

Fav 8 3361 1585
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

He wants to know how I lost my bra in his pants....id like to know too

Fav 9 4704 1366
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She looked at my facebook and decided to bump the security deposit up an extra 250...now we have to destroy the house, its expected and I wouldn't want to disappoint

Fav 7 3310 1405
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

Fav 14 5363 1912
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I'm deleting all the photos of dicks off my phone. This relationship could be serious

Fav 14 3651 1076
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I've taken to hiding pictures of us around his room so that he'll forever feel guilty for dumping me on Valentine's Day... And to potentially cock block any hook ups.

Fav 16 4098 1384
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to find an unpeeled banana, with a condom on, halfway into my vagina. this better not be you trying to be funny

Fav 39 2500 7756
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he was watching a movie and he'd be over later and i asked how long. he said 8 inches give or take. you cease to amaze me with the guys you set me up with.

Fav 13 5882 1685
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I need to have sex with you on our hotel room window ledge... This is a need not a request.

Fav 5 3725 1289
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

We just found a knife wedged in between the cushions on the couch you guys fucked on...why is this?

Fav 7 2742 1784
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Every once in a while you'd chuckle to yourself, and when I asked you what's so funny u replied "sometimes my toes tickle eachother"

Fav 13 7386 2404
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

Fav 39 3232 5480
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Held my professor's hair back while she was puking. I'd better get an A out of this or else the pics are going on Facebook.

Fav 15 8576 1602
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

Fav 10 5372 1494
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?

Fav 15 1306 5279
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Your two fuck buddies playing ping pong together. HOW. ADORABLE!

Fav 14 4889 1278
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Just paid my credit card bill at the bar. This phone makes it so I never have to leave

Fav 3 3036 1078
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Sorry I didn't pick up for your booty call. I usually am asleep at 4:00 on Thursdays. Like a normal person.

Fav 12 4408 1417
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

Fav 6 1197 2598
share tweet
(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

Fav 22 3799 1344
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

Fav 9 1485 4298
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

Fav 6 3120 1134
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

Fav 10 3784 1616
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

Fav 10 5574 1377
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

Fav 20 3741 1458
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

Fav 22 4529 1662
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

i just won "most creative" category in the condom contest in human sexuality by licking it onto a cucumber. my feedback forms included three phone numbers, one with a Magnum XL taped to it

Fav 29 7314 1616
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

TOMORROW NIGHT CAN I HOLD YOU LIKE A BABY

Fav 8 2498 1488
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Hu mahhiw im so tired.i just got done. In fo dleepu. Aaaaaaahh. I qisj my mom filmed me. In axtunf so funny

Fav 23 2914 1407
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I remember your 21st ending with me driving you home while you insisted making bicycle signals out the car window.

Fav 5 3525 1195
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

This escort grabbed my boyfriends ass and it became clear, he fucked pretty much anything he could find prior to dating me.

Fav 19 1348 3969
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.

Fav 21 4139 1699
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't care how old I am, if it's your 21st birthday I'm going to make out with you.

Fav 24 4444 1557
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

You would be married by May if you put half as much energy into getting straight guys as you do into getting gay guys

Fav 7 2681 1217
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

she laid there and continued moaning loudly for like 10 minutes after we were done, just so that her mom would be jealous

Fav 15 5959 1630
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

Fav 22 9104 1245
share tweet
(310): View more from California

so now that i'm sober i just want to apologize for violating your back seat...... on a brighter note thank you for playing the little mermaid song "kiss the girl," really set the mood.

Fav 7 4156 1291
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The girl with a dislocated arm just did an assisted keg stand. You will never have an excuse again.

Fav 11 4800 1273
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

Fav 20 2345 3985
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

Fav 25 11788 1401
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Please call me back as soon as your phone is charged, if you die tonight I don't want the last thing I said to you to be "I just farted a little"

Fav 6 3547 1209
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He spent the entire date challenging me to chugging contests.

Fav 5 1633 2898
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Fuckbuddy couldn't meet, so she's trying to find a substitute to come fuck me. Best. Fuckbuddy. Ever.

Fav 30 12727 1623
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

Fav 16 6296 2285
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm using my ex boyfriends dog to find a guy at the park I could see fuck buddy potential in. I'm the queen of irony.

Fav 8 3138 1268
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Now that I've lowered my makeout age to 21 I have a whole new sea to fish in.

Fav 16 3408 1327
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Vodka @ 9pm. Library. Nothing can go wrong, I promise.

Fav 12 3813 1273
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

She is a social worker. An actual good person trying to save the world. I feel like every time I give her an orgasm God wipes a little smudge off of my shit list.

Fav 20 8427 1469
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

Fav 30 3835 1896
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

So when you said you wanted to make a clay replica of my boobs and hang it above your bed you actually meant it?

Fav 14 4015 1285
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I'm legit concerned I might pass out this weekend from having too much sex.

Fav 34 5690 1400
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

A baby just go on our party bus. What. The. Fuck.

Fav 23 1581 4041
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

it was either a really good one night stand or a really really good first date. thank you online dating

Fav 19 4620 1290
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1436
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

She came to college a virgin and left on court order. We ruined her.

Fav 13 6020 1808
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Why were you having sex on top of my left over pizza in the kitchen?

Fav 25 2459 2448
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan

Fav 14 5700 1762
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

He sent me $300 worth of sex toys. My clitoris went into hiding after two days.

Fav 18 5776 1342
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Word is he has some crazy hawaiian STD

Fav 10 1271 3459
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

She said, "I don't really go out much, but my husband recently cheated on me" and I don't remember anything after that.

Fav 24 4825 1696
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I'm still in shock that he came by my house for five minutes dropped off a Teddy bear and went to the strip club on valentines day

Fav 16 1752 4213
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

Fav 15 4340 1737
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

Fav 42 9846 1758
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

Fav 14 5624 1525
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If I brought two seashells to Lowe's, do you think that they'd drill two holes in each shell for me? I need to be a mermaid on Saturday...

Fav 10 3510 1012
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

you should break up with her....give her the gift of reality

Fav 3 2616 1350
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

Fav 17 4220 2214
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I knew the only reason I bought a smartphone was to play "You're Havin My Baby" on the way to cvs to buy Plan B.

Fav 4 1415 3121
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

Fav 26 5514 2730
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

Fav 41 6373 2099
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

Fav 3 3331 1333
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just so you know, you can get through airport security with handcuffs no questions asked

Fav 7 3166 1009
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just got judged by the front desk clerk, 2 maids and a security guard at the Sheraton. I've decided to use this as a character building experience.

Fav 5 2095 1089
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

Fav 11 4333 1186
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

you fucked my boyfriend. margarita girls night will not fix this.

Fav 30 1347 8003
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt

Fav 2 1028 1996
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

Fav 4 3153 1014
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just feel as thought we should spend the day in which we celebrate relationships the same as how we started them. Drunken hook ups.

Fav 13 3859 1446
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Woke up next to a half eaten California burrito. It was tucked in.

Fav 12 4844 1333
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

And i didn't ask you to do that, You showed your penis at your own free will.

Fav 18 3352 1218
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

Fav 4 3251 1149
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Telling me that I would make a great "occasional fuck" was not appreciated.

Fav 21 2440 3336
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

Fav 31 1431 6170
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

Fav 4 3362 985
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You're going to have to tell him your name isn't Ivor McTruckson eventually.

Fav 3 2558 1507
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

Good thing it was his birthday because I accidentally grabbed his dick at the bar. A lot.

Fav 8 4379 1046
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

we fucked while standing on a ladder. challenging, but worth it.

Fav 13 4301 1039
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

Fav 6 4281 1003
share tweet
(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

Fav 34 5974 1503
share tweet
(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

Fav 20 4899 1397
share tweet
(951): View more from California

I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.

Fav 4 1502 2572
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

Fav 9 5412 1195
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

Fav 3 2594 1390
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Just looked in the mirror and i look like ive been gang banged. Im so proud of my boyfriend it almost hurts

Fav 17 7129 1293
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

Explain to me how it was that you spent the entire night playing pool with three lesbians and did not get a foursome out of it.

Fav 17 1215 2908
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

The fish's death was accidental. We all said a few words at his funeral. Roomie wanted to play only the good die young as he swirled down the toilet bowl

Fav 7 3326 1234
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was huge And he was twirling it around. Im telling you, beautiful wonderpenis

Fav 12 4619 1237
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

Fav 39 4671 1340
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

Fav 36 7019 1161
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

Fav 20 7434 1243
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I would have to gauge my vagina to make it fit.

Fav 13 3056 1647
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We JUST got rid of the new years fatties at my gym and now the spring break fatties are here. goddamn.

Fav 28 1770 3737
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

Fav 26 4520 1346
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Apparently someone switched my cash for monopoly money after midnight so I couldn't get any more drinks at the bar

Fav 7 4043 1149
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Oh my God, I want him to live with his face in my vagina forever.

Fav 20 7666 1294
share tweet
(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

Fav 15 3772 1756
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He filled our room with little plastic cups of beer so the only way I could get out was by drinking them all.

Fav 10 5494 1625
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

Fav 14 4683 1226
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

Fav 10 3398 1205
share tweet
(510): View more from California

Thanks for making breakfast. I usually have cereal and coffee...but i think margaritas and turkey sandwiches could catch on.

Fav 6 4872 1128
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to the audio from my psych lecture . . . this screwing my prof fantasy is getting serious.

Fav 16 1898 3634
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

All I know is that we apparently made a drink we named The Single Girl which is rum, vodka, grain alcohol, and sprite and rolled around in the backyard.

Fav 3 3049 1026
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

She had a baby and now works at Hooters. She is the poster child for peaking in high school.

Fav 10 1852 2987
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

he left his wallet here so lets treat ourselves to a lunch for the lack of penis we both had deal with

Fav 6 3493 1260
share tweet
(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

Fav 6 4257 1496
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Dude.. You paid a stripper $50 to listen to you cry last night.

Fav 18 1340 4353
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

I am actually insulted by the long string of ugly, fat girls he hooked up with after me.

Fav 11 1329 3300
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

the guy in the stall next to me, came in, farted, laughed, and proceeded to give himself some sort of hillbilly pep talk that included the phrase "big pussy".

Fav 9 4675 1852
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

Fav 20 2380 3028
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

Fav 24 8757 1373
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Totally just locked myself outside of my house, in my robe, with the fedex man and a box of sex toys. Not my week.

Fav 15 4436 1720
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

Fav 8 3154 1270
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

Fav 3 2565 1191
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

Fav 22 5597 1467
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

Fav 7 3815 1020
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

Fav 10 5696 1159
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

Fav 17 1238 4420
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

Fav 32 7819 1348
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

Fav 8 4104 1410
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

Fav 7 3074 1052
share tweet
(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

Fav 9 1102 2732
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

Fav 21 3749 1245
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

Fav 16 1600 3471
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

Fav 30 7438 1260
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

Fav 13 1165 4121
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

Fav 8 1550 2537
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

Fav 21 8696 1265
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

the only good thing about him lasting five minutes was that nobody thinks i had sex with him or that im a slut because we were only in the bathroom for five minutes

Fav 18 3758 1881
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

Fav 6 4745 1207
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

Fav 10 3499 1623
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

Fav 20 3901 1277
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

Fav 20 4954 1432
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.

Fav 4 1243 2372
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

Fav 11 5274 1390
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

Fav 9 3709 2106
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

Fav 15 5477 1408
share tweet
(760): View more from California

my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

Fav 4 2821 1015
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

Fav 8 5053 1181
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

Fav 18 7040 1279
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

Fav 15 4132 1192
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

Fav 4 1195 2923
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season

Fav 4 2628 946
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

Fav 4 3808 1001
share tweet
(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

Fav 8 3713 1160
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

Fav 7 3966 1096
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

Fav 24 5678 1341
share tweet
(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

Fav 9 5497 1479
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

Fav 12 4625 1605
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

Fav 8 2098 3820
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me

Fav 9 1192 3309
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

Fav 15 5049 1412
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

Fav 18 1350 5610
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

Fav 13 1456 3279
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

Fav 35 7766 1255
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

Fav 6 3994 1178
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

Fav 10 4754 1420
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

Fav 10 4141 1403
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

Fav 10 4936 1166
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.

Fav 4 3495 1008
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

Fav 12 4279 1139
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

Fav 9 3011 1385
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.

Fav 10 3183 1510
share tweet
(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

Fav 15 1583 4163
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The bartender just told me he would have me face down in his pillow by the end of the night. I hate when you make me go to gay clubs.

Fav 9 2291 3881
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

What happened to "I wouldnt even touch her with a ten foot pole"?

(1-850): View more from Florida

Her vagina devoured it.

Fav 8 5434 1543
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

Fav 10 4862 1132
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Please talk me out of ordering the stripper pole for a dollar. Please.

Fav 10 3094 1062
share tweet
(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

Fav 14 4320 1592
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

Fav 4 1589 2745
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.

Fav 9 3754 1628
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

in the event i get tipsy, my nipples are your responsibility

Fav 8 3831 1043
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

why is there an outline of nathan's body on my wall in whip cream?

Fav 7 3843 1093
share tweet
(408): View more from California

4pm on a Sunday....roomate fucking like a wildabeast while I have a organic chemistry study group in my kitchen.

Fav 17 5746 1576
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I am particularly sorry about getting dome in your backseat. And for thinking you wouldn't notice.

Fav 13 3345 1155
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

Fav 11 5710 1149
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dave a horae rider a coqw boy

Fav 11 4378 1341
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.

Fav 7 4125 1558
share tweet
(719): View more from Colorado

He told me something must be wrong, because no one had seen my boobs yet

Fav 7 3039 1131
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think I found an E pill under the couch.. Or really bad tasting candy. Check back in 30min this could get exciting

Fav 14 6883 1432
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?

Fav 5 3533 1130
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Two dudes got up on top of the pianos and danced shirtless. They didnt even get kicked out. I love vegas

Fav 6 3856 954
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It was one of those "I have no idea if this will ever happen again so I can't say no" opprotunities. Part of me was like, "You slut" and the bigger part was screaming, "Hell yeah"

Fav 14 5678 1198
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

Fav 14 4432 1168
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I wonder what my nutrition professor is going to think when I have to put 21 keystone lights, a bottle of merlot wine, and 5 rum and cokes and 4 shots of tequila on my dietary analysis

Fav 22 6074 1269
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay

Fav 9 4730 1243
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

as we waited for a manager to come open the door that we broke while having sex on the wall, we decided to go round two in the hallway before he came back.. god i love hotels.

Fav 5 4119 1040
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

Fav 8 5254 2431
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

Fav 18 6595 1948
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

Fav 16 2148 6159
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

when we got back we had sex. but it wasnt til the morning that i figured out her leg was broken

Fav 18 2303 4802
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember is him grabbing my ass and telling me he knew where the jello shots were, so I followed him.

Fav 9 5410 1627
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

She's grinding on a deaf black man and I'm the interpreter.

Fav 4 1377 2994
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

It's not my fault. Someone keeps buying me tequila shots. Idk who. But every time I look down there's another. I think there's a conspiracy.

Fav 7 5571 1133
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?

Fav 12 1208 3157
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I don't know what happen last night but the fact that it's 9 am and I need to put my dick in something means it didn't go as planned.

Fav 7 1230 3655
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

Fav 11 8843 1336
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

i have a wrist watched drawn on my wrist that it says shot o clock

Fav 9 6873 1363
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

His penis has a special gift of curing my broken heart

Fav 21 5591 1287
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

Fav 28 7267 1299
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just read my long term horoscope. I'm not gonna get laid for another 2 years.

Fav 8 946 3829
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Not sure if jager bombs can cure tuberculosis, but its a theory im testing as we speak

Fav 12 2691 1505
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

Fav 13 5780 1243
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.

Fav 5 1150 3424
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sent a friend request to someone saying that i was the girl he shared a fifth of jager with last week. Thats something special. He better accept.

Fav 7 3657 1145
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I know it's not standard practice to meet the couple you donate to, but i'm curious as to what kind of people saw my picture and said, we want that girl's eggs

Fav 3 3572 1125
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

Fav 6 6341 1177
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you think I can still get an erection if I donate blood today? this is important.

Fav 7 4454 1117
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

Fav 20 6053 1697
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

Fav 12 3610 1094
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

Fav 7 3192 1147
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Sorry for walking in on you guys last night. FYI I have a bruise on my forehead from having the door slammed in my face. I deserved it.

Fav 9 3871 1348
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

Fav 28 1425 7470
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

Fav 6 3502 1233
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5611 1351
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...

Fav 7 3491 1078
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

You can't just hum the Jaws theme song when you pull down my pants.

Fav 13 5733 1459
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She insisted on fucking on the futon mattress on the floor, answered the phone call from her boyfriend who was on his way to pick her up, and then had the audacity to ask if I was clean

Fav 11 1079 4607
share tweet
(932): View more from

The fact that he grabbed my boob in the middle of the conversation shows something needs to change

Fav 13 2421 1418
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just realized I'm marrying a man that's never gone down on me. What happened to my priorities?

Fav 33 1280 7401
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I am planning my day around naps and lesbians.

Fav 6 3536 1055
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.

Fav 5 3381 1002
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

Fav 16 5196 1371
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she worked me into her spring break cardio plan. im mondays and wednesdays.

Fav 8 5199 937
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm sorry to inform you but your friends with benefits card has expired has the beginning of the year. If you wish to renew your card you must submit a picture of a fully erect penis. Please note that not all request for a FWB card is accepted.

Fav 27 8485 1598
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

Fav 17 1911 3107
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

she asked me which thongs i though her boyfriend would like best. fuck the friend zone

Fav 20 1381 6577
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Not to make her into that kind of girl, but she did have a condom mural

Fav 6 1133 2706
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

At the time, making out with dudes for keg money seemed like a genius idea. Now I realize it was borderline prostitution.

Fav 12 3724 1286
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

Fav 5 4010 1036
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

Fav 13 4698 1008
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

Fav 15 5738 1907
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Its like a relationship where they cockblock each other.

Fav 5 1224 3198
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I wish I could go about my daily activities with his dick inside me

Fav 15 6585 1270
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

Fav 54 10581 1521
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

Fav 17 4952 1489
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

Fav 11 4329 2170
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

Fav 4 3709 1161
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

Fav 32 4433 2110
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

Fav 8 3901 1260
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.

Fav 20 4333 1515
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

Fav 25 5310 1534
share tweet
(714): View more from California

that awkward moment when your booty call gets snowed in at your place.

Fav 17 1897 4871
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

So many lesbians keep hitting on me. I'm about to give up and just go home with the manliest one.

Fav 8 4008 2580
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he seriously made his penis a facebook.

Fav 15 4668 2143
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.

Fav 12 9066 1270
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

Fav 30 6382 2013
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

She kept screaming "best case scenario"

Fav 7 3222 1081
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

Fav 9 5119 1174
share tweet
(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

Fav 10 3372 1635
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

Fav 10 8136 1490
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

Fav 55 11118 1681
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

Fav 12 6610 1219
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

does she really think making her boyfriend delete me on facebook is going to magically stop us from hooking up?

Fav 30 3261 3896
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

ok, my life is complete.... the cops AND the paramedic just made a Mean Girls reference...

Fav 15 7601 1259
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I swear I only do things like fuck 19 yr olds just to hear how you laugh when I tell you.

Fav 9 3848 1131
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

We're playing a drinking game to 'how to train your dragon'. has it really come to this?

Fav 11 3087 1179
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

He was able to grab love handles during doggy style... I know we said spring break mexico diet starts next week but i think we need to start tomorrow.

Fav 8 1226 3810
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're trying to keep the moaning to a minimum but the banging on the wall is totally giving you away

Fav 8 6970 1235
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

Fav 13 5220 1445
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

Fav 12 4479 1144
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

Fav 10 3742 1432
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

Fav 2 3250 1308
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Last thing I remember was you straddling a guy in a wheelchair on the dance floor.

Fav 9 3286 1256
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She was either really drunk or really not interested. Everytime I tried to ask her about herself she would respond with a line from Stepbrothers.

Fav 25 5019 1342
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

when I sang my humps to you I meant it.

Fav 2 3684 1044
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

Fav 12 8134 1352
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i just saw that homeless guy who dresses like the cat in the hat at the liquor store. i guess he got enough change to have a good weekend. oh the places he'll go

Fav 8 7300 1291
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just masturbated in footie pajamas. there's no judgement here.

Fav 8 3610 1188
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

Fav 13 2886 4906
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

Fav 6 4066 1029
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

pouring popcorn down my shirt before we went to the bar was the best idea ever. it was delicious and convenient.

Fav 2 3508 1530
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

Fav 27 8016 1288
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

Fav 3 3974 1512
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shoot me. Guy hitting on me with a beaver on his head. Says it is his spirit animal.

Fav 4 1654 3314
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He's drinking red wine in a margarita glass. He couldn't be more perfect for me.

Fav 2 2828 966
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

Fav 2 2957 967
share tweet
(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

Fav 12 8258 1317
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?

Fav 2 3390 1525
share tweet
(562): View more from California

It felt like getting blasted with a supersoaker filled with vagina juice.

Fav 28 5198 3938
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

Fav 2 3015 1129
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

Fav 10 1532 4458
share tweet
(818): View more from California

...Then she just started hitting me with a loaf of bread.

Fav 11 2858 1124
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

Fav 9 6175 2087
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

Fav 8 1873 2970
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

BIGGER SANDWIJH COME NIW OR DIE

Fav 5 2627 1022
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Sophomore year, I fucked on your desk chair. I'm sorry. I love you.

Fav 6 3966 1102
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

Fav 10 10143 1539
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

Fav 10 5972 1451
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

He had a ladies night special at his place. Unlimited jello shots till 10, 50 cents after.

Fav 8 3913 1093
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

he wrote me a grocery list while i was passed out. every other item was gin. it went on for 4 pages.

Fav 8 3767 1114
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

And then somehow we were arguing over how to fold our arms

Fav 7 2651 1077
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Apparently she doesn't appreciate the significance of eskimo sisterhood as much as I do.

Fav 10 2459 1165
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

And a psychic told me I was pregnant and I am just so over life right now.

Fav 7 1112 3613
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

in light of our recent drunken behavior, i think it's time we seriously consider hiring ourselves a babysitter.

Fav 4 3315 1293
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Ok see being that I'm not present or participating your vague texts "neeeeed that" and "vagina" leave a lot to question.

Fav 4 2277 1102
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

I can't tell if your life is amazing or needs reevaluation when "did I get hit with a nightstick" is a legitimate question.

Fav 7 3103 1283
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He came in like 30 seconds. That's how I know he hasn't been cheating on me while I've been gone

Fav 18 6883 1269
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

Fav 61 2156 11568
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I managed to lose everything but my socks.. which stayed on all 6 times we had sex.

Fav 11 5154 1167
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

please dont ever try to drink horizontally again. I thought I was going to have to give you cpr

Fav 4 1975 1152
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I need someone to get my backpack from the bar before class tomorrow. I have to give my students their papers back.

Fav 21 11979 1408
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

We are gonna be 90 years old in wheelchairs at the nursing home sitting at computers poking each other and waiting for the other to die so we will have the last facebook poke.

Fav 19 7003 1964
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

She's pissed. She declared she was moving out and proceeded to pack 3 pairs of shoes, her electric wine opener and ONE sock. Then told us to have fun paying her portion of the rent.

Fav 8 4378 1256
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

your dad made us margaritas and breakfast on the morning. I think it's safe to say he relives his glory days through us

Fav 18 4277 1252
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

He refused my I'm sry gift of ANAL. That's how angry he was.

Fav 24 1391 6107
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Oh btw, my mom called... you made the police blotter in the newspaper. Don't worry, she's mailng me a copy so I can put in on the fridge.

Fav 5 4942 1037
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

Fav 27 6987 1874
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

He just made me apologize because his morning wood is NOT a laughing matter.

Fav 10 4669 1464
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I just bought condoms at Big Lots. please save this text so you can laugh at me in 9 months

Fav 10 3263 3985
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

Fav 8 2561 2083
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

He called himself excalibur. Thats all I remember.

Fav 8 2933 1215
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

Our kitchen sink faucet is leaking, so I set a pitcher under it to catch water for Kool-Aid tomorrow rather than turn on the faucet. The environment owes me.

Fav 9 4175 1212
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Did you ever get our sex tape out of the rental car before you returned it?

Fav 12 1605 4539
share tweet
(424): View more from California

he called me from germany to tell me about all the gummy bears he bought...i'm doubting his sobriety

Fav 12 3905 1191
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Just heard Miley Cyrus' version of "Every Rose Has Its Thorn". Fuck everything. If you don't have an std you have no right to remake this song

Fav 20 4324 1409
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

i told my boss i want to eat her tits. 90 percent sure i'm getting fired

Fav 18 4411 2061
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

This is no lauging matter. Huge cock equals great sex. Marriage to huge cock equals great life.

Fav 54 7437 1366
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You know, I never expected to find myself with a roommate who I'd have to ask not to have sex while I'm in the room. And yet, here we are.

Fav 6 1509 3379
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up and found 10 txts from him. All sent at 6:30 am, and all about the muffin man.

Fav 11 5712 1241
share tweet
(619): View more from California

My professor complimented me on the well drawn penis on my face then asked if I would like a seat closer to the garbage can.

Fav 21 15219 1740
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Does anyone know who that girl who fell backwards and broke the shoe rack with her head was?

Fav 4 2607 1263
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

she has her graduation year in her skype name, it's like a constant reminder that she's jail bait.

Fav 10 1696 3524
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

WHY AREWNT YOU HERE SO MUCH FUN STUFF DO IT GET IN CAR NOW caps lock

Fav 4 3933 1339
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

they just named my boobs. Lefty is "Guenevere" and Righty is "I claim this boob for America"

Fav 7 4604 1274
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

my mom just cut me up lemons and limes so i would have some vitamins with my tequlia

Fav 5 5114 1012
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

something had to give and with her weight the coffee table never stood a chance

Fav 7 1357 3578
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Saw the college gyno today. It has now been medically confirmed that I have a perfect vagina.

Fav 20 7732 1203
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

whatever a "slut portfolio" is, mine is apparently almost complete

Fav 6 3047 1248
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

If I buy you $300 worth of popeyes, will that make up for me trashing the house?

Fav 5 2783 1322
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I can't. I can't get out. He cooked me food. And made me jager bombs. And painted a glow in the dark smilie face on my boobs

Fav 11 5052 1216
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

I've decided to tape numbers to the bottom of my heels corresponding to the number of drinks I can safely consume in them.

Fav 12 5533 1080
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

This girl can open a bottle without using her hands and she's 21. She meets my standards

Fav 9 3718 916
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

She said I had the biggest dick she'd ever seen. And when you consider how many she's come in contact with, it's kind of like winning the heisman.

Fav 15 7528 1244
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Of course I'm hard in the pics. If there's a chance that these pictures will cause a scandal later in my life I at least want my dick to look it's biggest

Fav 12 4714 1025
share tweet
(805): View more from California

The plan is to make enough mistakes this weekend to hold me over until spring break

Fav 3 3074 1051
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Chinatown. Her fortune cookie said "accept the next proposition you receive." TELL ME NO NOW.

Fav 9 4107 1154
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry for throwing the cheese everywhere, but it wasn't my fault. No one was enforcing disipline so not really my fault for not behaving

Fav 6 3772 1302
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He skyped me to learn how to roll a joint and for us to masturbate together. And you said a long distance relationship wouldn't work.

Fav 18 6193 1655
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

sometimes when i'm drunk i choose the spanish option on the ATM to challenge myself.

Fav 16 10629 1511
share tweet
(606): View more from Kentucky

can you look at this picture and tell me if you think this my kid?

Fav 16 1110 4756
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I am at 2.05 miles in under 11 minutes. So either this thing is broke or I should always work out wasted.

Fav 2 4186 1009
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i just remembered i chipped my tooth last night when i pulled up your pants zipper with my teeth

Fav 5 1515 3823
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

We broke two of his toes while having sex. He laughed said he'd fix it in the morning and kept going. I think I'm in love

Fav 17 8887 1365
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that taking apart multiple age 5 and under puzzles would be part of my house party clean up process.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Yeah, sorry about that. I just couldn't stop.

Fav 3 4670 1225
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Just remembered i had an ordained minister bless my booze last night.

Fav 8 4296 1062
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He's trying to get everyone in the bathtub for a team meeting about how we're gonna find his car. Which is parked outside. Think we should cut him off?

Fav 9 4706 1191
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

well the first picture of me in 2011 involves a viking helmet and chugging champagne. i like this year already.

Fav 5 5231 1130
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

When we started taking double shots of vodka and chasing it with a lick of fruit roll-ups, I knew there'd be hell to pay in the morning.

Fav 3 4165 1199
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Yes, she did suck your dick in the bathroom to wake you up.

Fav 17 5388 1163
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I noticed how good my hair still looked. Apparently rum and coke in it helps it stay curly thru sex. May be using this more often.

Fav 7 3463 1024
share tweet
(772): View more from Florida

No that's sign language, not a drinking game. I tried to join

Fav 2 3175 1336
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

Fav 45 9488 3068
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You told me that you only walk into walls because it makes the room stop spinning.

Fav 5 3724 1250
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard

Fav 10 1338 3498
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

we just plugged the camera up to the big screen. would you like to come see what you did last night, in high definition?

Fav 8 6171 1348
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

Fav 20 2199 4627
share tweet
(510): View more from California

note to self: an IV pole is no substitute for a stripper pole. Written it on my ankle cast.

Fav 4 2615 1233
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

Fav 20 1182 5108
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

i just figured out how to balance my wine bottle on my boobs so that i don't have to tip it with my hands...breathing has new meaning

Fav 15 4088 1031
share tweet
(365): View more from

I thought of you while cleaning the forehead prints off my glass doors.

Fav 1 3678 1118
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

hey, haven't seen your testicles in a while...you 3 still alive?

Fav 9 4869 1305
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

i should not be allowed to orgasm that much in one day.

Fav 21 10267 1205
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

will emailing you the 64 kama sutra positions I want to try during the 3 days your here turn you on or terrify you?

Fav 18 6103 1148
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

The pet store wouldn't sell us fish because they said they could tell we were drunk.

Fav 2 3903 1103
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

No fucking idea. Just paid for my chipotle in chocolate coins, though. Either there is a huge language barrier happening here, or my big boobs are finally paying off.

Fav 10 7085 1307
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

Fav 16 4435 1357
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

Fav 3 5967 1535
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I need to sleep with 3 more guys by midnight to meet my 2010 resolution..

Fav 18 4750 1705
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

Fav 10 4500 2444
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Babe, I need to be clear. I DO NOT WANT TO HAVE ANAL. Never. No anal. No "talking about it"

Fav 40 5659 5471
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

HAPPY NEWYEARSM FAGTRON! GETTING HEAD IN TAXI I WIN

Fav 15 7469 1493
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry that spending new years with you was fucking my boyfriend in your bathroom multiple times

Fav 19 4577 1842
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

what kind of wine goes with anal sex and shame?

Fav 29 1988 4232
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i've officially fucked a sailor, a policeman and a biker. I've never noticed my Village People fetish until now...

Fav 12 5577 1261
share tweet
(619): View more from California

i screwed him while his gf was puking in the shower. 2011 is looking up already

Fav 39 2463 4731
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

mom brought her knitting needles with her. its bad enough to be in the ER on new years, but to be with the knitting parent!?

Fav 6 1196 2939
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex in a cardigan. Made me feel old. Smarter somehow, but old.

Fav 8 4027 1486
share tweet
(818): View more from California

What are the odds of finding the one hot Australian dude with erecile dysfunction?

Fav 17 1097 5329
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Resolution for 2011: blow jobs are a privilege, not a right.

Fav 37 6363 1796
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

Fav 9 4777 1586
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

Fav 21 5599 1246
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

Fav 6 4637 1707
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

Fav 8 1462 3423
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.

Fav 4 3756 1651
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

Fav 30 2019 4783
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

Fav 4 4179 1288
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he doesn't drink and he's an emt - he'll be our dd for nye in exchange for a threesome tomorrow afternoon.

Fav 13 7338 1408
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

Fav 5 6809 1274
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

This is one of those times where I really wish my vagina could tell me what happened last night.

Fav 8 3358 1865
share tweet
(949): View more from California

The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

Fav 25 3978 2449
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

Fav 13 3206 1342
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

Fav 18 5225 1191
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just so you know, a true one night stands ends with a 7 minute blow job after eating a sandwich she made for you while the taxi you called for her comes

Fav 27 5109 1386
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

Fav 7 8434 1543
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

Fav 25 1685 10137
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

Fav 23 1637 3433
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

Fav 7 4727 1229
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

he ruins everything I try to do including his roommates

Fav 3 1308 2668
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just couldn't help myself when there was a FOUNTAIN OF SHOTS

Fav 4 3752 1056
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

Fav 17 2151 5833
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

Fav 29 4370 1863
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

Fav 4 4460 1191
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

Fav 28 5212 1383
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

i must of done something right to please the booty call gods. . . maybe fucking that fat chick?

Fav 22 3486 1736
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

Fav 20 5125 2105
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.

Fav 4 1451 2897
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Jerry just sent me this: IOR GHIT ALL THE BUTTIB. Go get him. Now.

Fav 15 4199 1339
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

Fav 3 3891 1302
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

Fav 5 3254 1222
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

and you wish you could be eating a cookie right now. but all you get to eat is a penis

Fav 13 3842 1471
share tweet
(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

Fav 22 2087 6397
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

Fav 9 3010 1097
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

you kind of just crawled on top of him. that was the point at which i became concerned with how drunk you were.

Fav 5 2577 1071
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

Fav 12 5082 1994
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

Fav 11 4985 1448
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

Fav 12 4240 1339
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

Fav 7 4379 1092
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

Fav 5 4255 1247
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

Fav 30 12292 1658
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Despite what happened tonight, Im still expecting Jesus birthday sex

Fav 15 3633 1375
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He got me an interview at his law firm and his boss asked him what he had to say about me. His response "He dates CRAZY bitches."

Fav 5 3114 1894
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

you grabbed his arm with one hand and the bottle of smirnoff with the other and headed off to your room you were on a mission

Fav 7 4640 1072
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

Fav 3 3820 1157
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Well, at first I was really confused. But then I realized that he was talking from his penis's perspective... in third person.

Fav 3 2878 1601
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official. 'Jingle Bell Rock' gives me a boner. Thank you Lindsay Lohan & Rachel McAdams.

Fav 21 4826 1488
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Made a salesman quit his job, a saleswoman cry, and got a manager to half shout "fuck this"....successful drunk Christmas shopping

Fav 21 5238 2126
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Just rolled over and found your boyfriend in bed with me. Is mine at your house?

Fav 14 10068 2797
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.

Fav 13 7464 1168
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

Fav 30 8575 1584
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I should have but it might be too early in this fuckbuddyship to emasculate him

Fav 4 1209 2163
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

So I just bought underwear that says "I'm taken." Just know that when I cheat on my bf with you, that's what I'm wearing

Fav 22 1699 5030
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

Nothing like all your friends getting engaged to remind you how much fun sleeping around is.

Fav 4 4946 1191
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Nothing like a Mormon bachlorette party to make you feel slutty

Fav 9 4358 1262
share tweet
(619): View more from California

im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.

Fav 9 5208 1214
share tweet
(858): View more from California

We got a Christmas tree, decorated it to surprise his wife And kids who were out of town for her father's funeral, then fucked like rabbits on their new mattress before he had to pick them up at the airport.

Fav 89 2410 13832
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

i talked to you about this last night, and you kept saying "he wants yo pusssaayyyyyy"

Fav 6 4495 1322
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

Fav 38 8084 1335
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

How creepy of a mustache can you grow by wednesday night?

Fav 19 5775 1321
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.

Fav 50 18540 1570
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

From the prices on this menu it looks like I have no choice. I have to blow him.

Fav 23 6322 1612
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We fucked on top of all of our English papers in celebration of the semester ending.

Fav 6 4743 958
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

Fav 10 4942 2070
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

Fav 13 8160 1532
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

In Berlin they just cured HIV with stem cells. I am hereby fucking anything that moves.

Fav 32 4864 2894
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

Fav 11 5036 1218
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

Fav 3 3503 1373
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I'm handcuffed to the toilet. Don't ask

Fav 10 1836 3199
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Bruises. Everywhere. Table sex is dangerous

Fav 10 5255 1239
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I can't believe you just thanked me for a blowjob on my Facebook wall...

Fav 18 10363 2565
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

way to not show up for Habitat for Humanity, real classy...

(1-904): View more from Florida

I saved lives by not driving this morning

Fav 9 8382 1291
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I had to close one eye to read the questions on my final this morning. That hungover.

Fav 5 4482 1667
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Two bottles of champagne and half a pizza later, I'm crying myself to tears watching The Nanny. Happy finals week.

Fav 5 3233 1729
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I dont know why the TSA people are looking at me wierd. I mean there is no way i am the only hungover college girl here with nine tally marks on her hand and last nights glitter on her face

Fav 13 4569 1095
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he's bringing me two things i like. he said one was him and i'm assuming the other one is his penis

Fav 2 4697 960
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

i put his shirt in a ziplock bag to preserve his smell

(816): View more from Missouri

please tell me you are kidding me

Fav 22 1929 5190
share tweet
(619): View more from California

It took 5 minutes to find my bra.. in his car.

Fav 3 3081 1008
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

they named it eva bongoria. i had to hit it based on the name alone.

Fav 8 4643 1261
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

Fav 8 7238 1333
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

Fav 4 5867 1266
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

Fav 6 4652 1206
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

boobs and vodka. thats all i can remember, finals week needs to stop ending like this..

Fav 8 3162 971
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I look like a herd of wild horses chewed on my back. If you bite me again while taking me from behind, I'm going to have to cut you off.

Fav 21 4657 1845
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

Fav 11 9278 2425
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

Fav 9 5251 1193
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He woke me up at 4am just to lick my nipple. Then he talked in his sleep for 20 minutes about the sex we just had. I think it's safe to say he's a weird one, but I dont care cuz he fucks like a champ.

Fav 25 9876 1327
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

His idea of a compliment is: 'you're cuter than your friend. If you both wanted a 3way I'd do it,but I'd pay more attention to you.'

Fav 25 7903 2423
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

Fav 34 3572 10373
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

Fav 26 8549 1392
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Im about to shotgun a beer using my mother's knitting needles. home sweet home.

Fav 2 3141 1036
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

Fav 10 7900 1649
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

Fav 25 7052 1285
share tweet
(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

Fav 10 3645 1305
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I just walked by a party bus on my way to study. God hates me.

Fav 10 1186 3466
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

The maintenance guy at work just asked me out for a drink. For once, I proudly said that I was 20.

Fav 10 4292 1144
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

Fav 9 5146 1964
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

Fav 17 5440 1368
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

Fav 11 4037 1139
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13083 2008
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

Fav 6 5962 1226
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

christmas break will be like the 25 days of orgasms

Fav 27 6211 1376
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i have now been nicknamed the screamer on the first, third, fourth, & six floor by all the ra's. only two more floors to go before i cover the entire dorm.

Fav 20 4332 1505
share tweet
(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

Fav 16 7555 1143
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

Fav 8 4677 1201
share tweet
(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

Fav 18 5283 1434
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

Fav 7 2563 1662
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

Fav 6 2535 1632
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you asked "if this appropriate to take the the bathroom?" while holding up a bottle of vodka when you went to pee.

Fav 3 2614 1006
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i take my contacts out every time we fuck so i cant see all the stretch marks

Fav 24 1127 7756
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant

Fav 8 1052 4192
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

Fav 6 4336 1384
share tweet
(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

Fav 8 4176 1269
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

Fav 6 2952 1226
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

Fav 15 8607 1314
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

Fav 7 9424 1574
share tweet
(+43): View more from

After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

Fav 14 4133 1052
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

Fav 9 6735 1597
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

Fav 25 7944 1235
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

Fav 9 5594 1161
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

Fav 16 2024 4052
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

Fav 28 1591 5078
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

Fav 16 3922 1306
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

Fav 24 1679 6853
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I just watched a girl in the library pull a vodka bottle out of her bag. I think I'm going to give her my number.

Fav 11 6363 1173
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Just threw up in nordstroms while shopping for moms bday with dad. He distracted workers for me. No more tequila

Fav 8 2132 2768
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

Fav 43 9911 1849
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

Fav 9 5096 1400
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I only keep her as my best friend so she wont hook up with my ex.

Fav 8 1284 3353
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

Fav 30 8490 1403
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he saw my boobs doesn't mean he knows me all of a sudden

Fav 7 4125 1159
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.

Fav 18 1548 2935
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My head weighs 7 pounds. i know this because i spent the majority of the night passed out in the bathroom, using the scale as a pillow.

Fav 11 4596 1317
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

Fav 17 6105 1260
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

Fav 6 4717 1167
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Even his old football coach jokes about how big it is. I don't want to be alone in a room with him and that monster.

Fav 26 6253 1399
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It's so cute when the exchange student uses "blowjob" as a verb.

Fav 6 5713 1271
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what anyone says I want strippers at my funeral.

Fav 14 6176 1464
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

Fav 15 1533 6049
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

Fav 9 3322 1311
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He told me his penis would be a "Sad Panda" if I didn't give it a ride through the jungle.

Fav 25 6604 2303
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

Fav 28 5684 1331
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

Fav 5 4977 1323
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

Fav 5 1078 5711
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

Fav 25 9660 1311
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

They nicknamed me the gargoyle. Sex with me is getting gargoyled. The last one I fucked yelled "gargoyle me" for dirty talk. I think fucking me is part of their pledging initiation. Somewhat OK with this.

Fav 25 1961 6034
share tweet
(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

Fav 14 1909 5501
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

Fav 11 6448 1366
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care that you fucked her. I'm offended that once again, you fucked someone with me in the room because you assumed I was asleep.

Fav 15 1919 4618
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

Fav 3 5088 1295
share tweet
(909): View more from California

oh my god, there is an imprint from the nuva ring in the christmas card my mom sent me. merry christmas.

Fav 8 1154 3494
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Then you ran outside and said you were gonna give the snowman a blowjob

Fav 24 5022 1406
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

i really appreciated the lovely drunk rendition of whitney houstan's "i wanna dance with somebody" you left on my voicemail.

Fav 5 4998 1258
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...

Fav 8 1365 2723
share tweet
(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

Fav 15 3063 1691
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm

Fav 13 3119 1032
share tweet
(951): View more from California

apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.

Fav 10 2530 1300
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Bookstore boy and I went out, he came back here and I tried to fool around and he respects me too much blah blah I'm a predator.

Fav 18 4966 1648
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Hey man thanks for carrying me in and out of that frat house. There's no I in team.

Fav 7 3529 1012
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care what he thinks. My vagina has an open door policy.

Fav 34 3010 1845
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

Fav 11 8577 1526
share tweet
(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

Fav 5 4476 1799
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

Fav 4 5541 1191
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

Fav 8 3979 1291
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

Fav 18 4445 1496
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

Fav 20 7669 1425
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

Fav 20 4398 1083
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

Fav 5 2874 1037
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

Fav 19 7107 1249
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

Fav 6 3727 1021
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

Fav 25 2859 11550
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

Fav 12 7097 1519
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Can we hire someone to dj while we have sex?

Fav 11 5392 1108
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Guy in our group took down a chick in a wheelchair last night.

Fav 6 3326 1940
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Walked by a shop giving away free donuts this morning. Best walk of shame ever

Fav 11 5998 1090
share tweet
(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

Fav 37 10255 2617
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

Please tell me the foreign boys in the kitchen this morning were yours.

Fav 5 5341 1187
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

i always knew that i'd have sex in your room, i just assumed it would be with you

Fav 11 5955 1900
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

Fav 18 7129 1340
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

Fav 27 3042 2089
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

Fav 12 6167 1410
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just to clear things up. I did not walk in on him jacking off to your facebook profile.

Fav 6 1351 3530
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

Fav 10 5464 1259
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

Fav 12 5237 2141
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

Fav 24 5699 1803
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

Fav 9 1479 4018
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

Fav 13 3418 1544
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

Fav 19 4378 1461
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Just violated the laws of fuck-buddyship and talked to him about my personal life. I don't like it.

Fav 13 1341 4138
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.

Fav 4 3300 1258
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

Fav 12 4840 1279
share tweet
(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

Fav 10 6116 1677
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

Fav 9 4527 1214
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

Fav 9 3622 1525
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He honestly told me my belt was "supercute" when we started hooking up. I would be the girl to find the only straight man in the world that uses the word "supercute".

Fav 29 2144 3658
share tweet
(925): View more from California

He sat there and debated the pros and cons of hooking up with me

Fav 16 1347 5149
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

What can I say, we hook up during the holidays.. We're a seasonal couple

Fav 9 4309 1227
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i bought another $5 worth of vodka. with change. i look like a homeless alcoholic. i need your dino cups or else i'll be forced to make a giant jello bowl shot

Fav 6 2159 1651
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

Fav 6 6378 2683
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

Fav 16 2689 4548
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

i am too hungover to go to class can you just call me and put it on speaker phone

Fav 12 6816 1957
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

Fav 19 16127 2493
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

Fav 3 4635 1801
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Had sex five times today because there was nothing else to do. I had no idea snow days could get even better than when we were kids

Fav 25 10802 1901
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

Fav 10 3854 1262
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm sure that's not what the inventers of the Turkey baster had in mind, but that's what I had in mine.

Fav 8 3542 1380
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

HE COULDN'T FIND IT! WHAT KIND OF QUARTERBACK CAN'T FIND IT?!

Fav 30 1452 7238
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

Fav 5 4578 1327
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Well I tried to steal a golf cart. I fought with the Chick-Fil-A cow. And other things.

Fav 23 4322 1372
share tweet
(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

Fav 15 5428 2105
share tweet
(714): View more from California

considering how much of last night I don't remember and the amount of ones laying on my desk right now, it's safe to say I'm concerned

Fav 3 3642 1167
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would win... a chainsaw pooping pterodactyl or a bear with machine guns for feet. big debate about this right now

Fav 41 6856 1587
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.

Fav 8 4166 1867
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Broke up w/ my married coworker...work is gonna get weird.

Fav 5 1206 3695
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

Fav 16 4092 1456
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

Fav 15 5332 1388
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

Fav 28 6103 2029
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

It was as if you forgot how to speak normally. All of your words came out either backwards or in song form

Fav 6 4769 1360
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't think i can handle my uncle say again that kid rock is a true musician....

Fav 14 1181 3801
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He also has a monumental penis. It's unbelieveable. I'm sorry but he's perfect.

Fav 15 6262 1240
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

Fav 20 1450 4298
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

you woulda been proud of me tonight though. i only made out with 2 guys. and in my defense one of them was to get a job after graduation.

Fav 8 3969 1191
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

martini and pecan pie.. breakfast of champions.

Fav 13 3388 1005
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I've blown him so many times I feel like I have a better relationship with his dick than I do with him.

Fav 21 4337 2089
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

Fav 10 3976 1249
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

Fav 6 3086 1140
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

Fav 5 3261 1272
share tweet
(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

Fav 13 4460 1156
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

Fav 9 3179 1623
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just got double teamed by two guys I will be on beach patrol with this summer. six months until the season starts and I'm already 'that girl.'

Fav 58 4817 2358
share tweet
(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

Fav 13 6494 1551
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

After he came he asked what I was doing for thanksgiving.

Fav 17 3486 1194
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

Fav 13 1391 4139
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

Fav 6 4099 1167
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the revolving door and had to sit down on the escalator. That hungover. It's safe to say people are judging me.

Fav 6 3588 1503
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

we're about an hour out, how's the weather?

(720): View more from Colorado

cloudy with a chance of strippers and cocaine, you're favorite. welcome home.

Fav 14 6419 1431
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

She narrowed it down to 7 guys that could have gotten her pregnant.

Fav 27 1398 8982
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

the fact that my dorm room overlooks a children's daycare is enough initiative for me to have safe sex.

Fav 18 5707 1188
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

im gonna make a bucket list just so i can cross off "underwater blowjob"

Fav 20 4767 1073
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night

Fav 23 6445 1411
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I vote intervention dinner around 6, make up movie around 7:30ish, then apology drinks all night. Then hangover waffle house in the morning.

Fav 4 3950 1084
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

He looks like Ryan Reynolds from this angle

(648): View more from

Since when is drunk an angle?

Fav 12 7583 1290
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I'm doing laundry in pjs and heels, home alone with my margarita bucket.

Fav 10 3591 1358
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers

Fav 15 5220 1697
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

He's in bed with me right now. I'm wearing a towel and all I could wish for is my freedom. And pizza.

Fav 8 1282 3077
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

Fav 9 5644 1193
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

She is definitely tripolar. Like bipolar but better/worse.

Fav 6 1369 2566
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

How do you get a 7 on a pregnancy test?

Fav 20 1405 4011
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

the fda needs to get their shit together cause these four loko going away parties are gonna kill me

Fav 11 5309 1176
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

im probably shirtless right now with a bottle of jack watching horton hears a who. this is a judgement free zone.

Fav 8 4011 1135
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

She cut off the top of a watermelon and is now eating it with a spoon. She's more than half done.

Fav 8 3880 1050
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

She's hidden vodka up her skirt and is riding a parking meter. Things can only get better

Fav 8 3696 1137
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

She was crying, alone at a college bar. It would have been rude NOT to try and show my penis to her.

Fav 17 4522 2032
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Had a farmer come into my class to talk to us today. He apparently met his wife on fb and just thanked jesus for his land. I think I am in the wrong major...

Fav 9 2928 1409
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

Fav 44 1524 10251
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones

Fav 8 3147 1794
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

Fav 18 6230 1422
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I watched her choke out a bouncer with the broken strap from her purse, I think shes the one.

Fav 15 6296 1717
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't wait to be a mother. My daughters gonna outdrink every boy in her grade

Fav 22 4927 2075
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

What can I say, he stumbled upon the key to my heart: orgasms and mac 'n cheese.

Fav 10 5356 1219
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I DON'T CARE WHAT THE CIRCUMSTANCES ARE NEVER VOMIT IN MY PURSE AGAIN.

Fav 8 1466 4330
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

Only I could do what I did last night and feel perfectly ok working around children the next day

Fav 17 3851 1523
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

and you think what you did last night was bad? at least you didnt go wake up a sleeping guy for birthday sex.

Fav 13 2832 1196
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

Fav 26 8352 1427
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

wanna get hammered and throw tomatoes at the people standing in line for the midnight showing of harry potter and yell whichcraft is evil

Fav 19 9103 2265
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i drunkenly decided i was going to take down all the male cheerleaders, gay or not. 1 down about 10 more to go.

Fav 13 2932 1337
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

It's shit like that that makes me wish being deaf was contagious

Fav 7 1360 2681
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

what started as sign language exam pre-drinks to calm the nerves turned into me waving at a deaf woman for 20 minutes

Fav 7 3620 1552
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Drunk sex destroyed my coffee table... ikea this weekend?

Fav 8 5964 1152
share tweet
(+34): View more from Spain

what if his mom answers? its like high school, but hes 30

Fav 7 1133 4374
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

just had wine and brownie batter for dinner. Single life is good

Fav 6 4954 1215
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

and do you remember when you were dressing me if i had money in my bra?

Fav 5 2862 1003
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

If you know any fat girls who would pay me for sex, I am low on money and morals right now

Fav 9 2248 3832
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i totally just wrapped her wedding gift in tin foil. These are the skills 2 bachelor's degrees have given me.

Fav 9 2895 1194
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

An accidental pregnancy to a guy with a trustfund is no mistake. It is a gift from god.

Fav 24 5718 2632
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

is it sad that I can recall my outfits by who took them off?

Fav 15 4980 1376
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

today's the one month anniversary of me not giving anyone head. can you tell me you're proud

(917): View more from New York City

it's sad that this is a milestone

Fav 11 2090 2917
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Please tell me nicole sent the picture of the ejaculating penis to you too, otherwise I'll feel really awkward

Fav 6 2519 2118
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

That poor kid, I literally invited myself over and took advantage of him.

(1-516): View more from New York

yea I'm sure he was really upset some drunk girl showed up to fuck him.

(516): View more from New York

Do you have to put it that way?

Fav 21 6620 1328
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

He talks to me in this sweet I know you might be pregnant voice.

Fav 7 1147 3449
share tweet
(234): View more from Ohio

If we get out of this alive, I'm never going to a Denny's at 3 am again.

Fav 6 3220 1321
share tweet
(530): View more from California

Then he took his girlfriend's fuzzy handcuffs and locked me to their bed. Key is in an unknown location. He's surprisingly idiotic, for being premed.

Fav 12 1184 3261
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

What happened to chicks over dicks?

(1-514): View more from Quebec

That rule does not apply to 9 inch dicks..

Fav 50 8880 1353
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

with your vagina and my liver, anything is possible

Fav 8 4434 1798
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Also we decided you're the person whose going to die at my bachelor party...do the math you're the most logical choice

Fav 11 3594 1297
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I have to have sex with him again. I feel like I need to train him so no other girl experiences that bad of sex.

Fav 20 1889 4867
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'

Fav 17 4869 1248
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

Fav 5 5665 1308
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

Fav 4 4345 1085
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

I wish I could attach your penis to someone I like more than you.

Fav 14 5888 2492
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Stealing vibrators from Walmart together was when I realized you'd be my Maid of Honor.

Fav 17 6672 1372
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'll just get wasted and start throwing myself at men. Someone's bound to take the bait

Fav 16 3114 1284
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I'm shutting down my vagina temporarily...it's like the last two weeks were a going out of business sale...and now it needs a break...

Fav 22 3705 1447
share tweet
(951): View more from California

We waited til after. Not even drunk sex felt right during a Disney movie.

Fav 5 4084 1211
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

We could make it a date. Dinner and a show. The show being my nipples getting pierced.

Fav 4 3664 1445
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Are you pissed because you didn't get action, or the fact i got boned twice in public places tonight?

Fav 7 4488 1131
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

Fav 11 4485 2001
share tweet
(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

Fav 25 11706 1445
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

You better be watching. There will be a POP quiz. Each correct answer gains you 5 more minutes of the sexual act of your choice

Fav 15 6072 1182
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I know I am usually the slut but tonight it's her. She is being a slut, yes slut, T as in Tomorrow, U as in Uterus, L as in Llama and S as in Sangria. That spells slut, but backwards and that's what she is being.

Fav 13 8563 1643
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"

Fav 15 1389 4702
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Mark my words im gonna be the drunkest groomsman outta spite for him having his wedding on a gameday

Fav 14 4562 1359
share tweet
(323): View more from California

She made me role-play everything from an older prof to a in-patient in need of a medical exam. Yay for cocaine.

Fav 4 2146 1399
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

The only thing that makes me want to stop the affair is that I am the Monica Lewinksy in this triangle.

Fav 4 927 2399
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

It was like having sex with a donkey. Everytime she got close she would kick me.

Fav 11 1099 3046
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I have been running off of weed, alcohol, and Mexican food. What is Tallahassee.

Fav 7 2656 1015
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I drank myself into bisexuality again.

Fav 16 6461 1500
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I had a dream last night that you and me were eating cheesecake and according to my FATHER I was moaning really loud in my sleep. I seriously have issues.

Fav 5 3117 1388
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

Fav 5 2599 1772
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

I am the master of subtle flirting. I seduced him by simulating a hand job with an epi-pen during training.

Fav 15 4820 1343
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

all i wanted to do was something grown up. like go to applebees and drink.

Fav 8 3652 1383
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

he prob just wants to be friends and here i am photoshopping our kids

Fav 12 1425 4845
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I've never seen the starbucks guy more terrified than when you dove out the car window after your credit card

Fav 4 3514 1112
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The baby slept soo good last night. Its like he knows the importance of me being intoxicated all weekend.

Fav 31 1352 5355
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

Fav 15 6200 1851
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You both must have been completely wasted because every once in a while we would hear you both stop and start singing to each other. At one point it was taylor swift.

Fav 8 4288 1434
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

He kept spanking me and talking about biomedical science.

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Aw, you fucked a pre-med? you're moving up in the world!

Fav 10 5377 1165
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

Fav 14 5085 1263
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

Fav 14 7504 1455
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

Fav 7 6452 2168
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

Fav 13 3940 1413
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

Fav 6 3827 1031
share tweet
(559): View more from California

I hope you remember pushing the girl off the stage because you said she wasn't good at pole dancing.

Fav 6 5932 2075
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I kind of want you to get arrested just so I could frame an avatar mugshot.

Fav 5 6208 1909
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Did you really end last night's sexting with "Stay thirsty my friend"?

Fav 13 5354 1465
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

My costume is made up of 4 inch heels and a firefighter costume I'm borrowing from the dramatic play area of my Pre-K classroom. I told you I could still be slutty on a teacher's salary.

Fav 9 5564 1238
share tweet
(626): View more from California

All i have left of him are the magnum X-Large condoms he left in my room, knowing full well that no other guy I hook up with will be able to fill his shoes. He taunts me.

Fav 19 4894 1461
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this is probably the only time in my life that i would want to fuck thomas jefferson

Fav 7 3981 1035
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I just banged two guys while dressed like an angel. I love this holiday.

Fav 49 5687 1672
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just need to know if he's either really genuine about being in my life or being in my vagina.

Fav 16 3637 1559
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1596
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He was completely serious when he said my boobs were like "majestic white clouds."

Fav 4 3105 1078
share tweet
(510): View more from California

according to the woman who took my blood today, i have "party veins"

Fav 5 4514 1240
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Theres been so much buildup for our genitals to meet, one or both of us is sure to be disappointed.

Fav 8 1441 2947
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14676 1665
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the world took limewire and four lokos away from me in one week....hello depression

Fav 30 1568 4115
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Wait time out. Did I start last night with pants?

Fav 7 4007 1507
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

New handbag passed the ultimate test. The walk of shame. I had a bra, tights, skirt, shirt & sweater in it and you couldn't tell. yessss.

Fav 11 4498 1158
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Supposedly i was taking multiple birth control pills while screaming dot judge me. Never going back

Fav 4 1137 2938
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Are you dead or are you taking another 13 hour nap? you need to let me know these things ahead of time so i dont worry.

Fav 9 5001 1412
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You could give me a blowjob later? :)

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I meant do something romantic..

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Blowjob In the moonlight?

Fav 13 6614 1853
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My ATM looks so different sober.

Fav 7 2530 1020
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

My professors need to stop cancelling class. Bad things happen when I have too much free time on my hands. Bad things.

Fav 3 4132 1069
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I wish I could just thrust my cock straight into her new relationship.

Fav 12 4877 1344
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Can I get a DUI with a shopping cart? I've nearly hit 2 displays and little girl...

Fav 8 4557 1432
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I don't know if it's the amount i drank last night or the number of taylor swift statuses on facebook but i feel like puking everywhere

Fav 10 3686 1658
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

Fav 9 4868 1248
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

If you bring me a slurpee and advil I will eat you out for like an hour.

Fav 39 12257 1749
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

She said i kept moaning her moms name instead of hers

Fav 18 2119 6496
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Ah shit... I sleep-ate chocolate pudding again.

Fav 17 4586 1535
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

Fav 23 9752 1433
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street

Fav 13 4884 1835
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

As a matter of fact you told me i fulfilled your "woodshop teacher fantasy"

Fav 9 3497 1227
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I just got a whiff of tequila through the air conditioner.

Fav 5 3424 1198
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

hey remember that 14 year old i met 5 years ago who i said i would bang 5 years from then?

(636): View more from Missouri

Yup.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yup.

Fav 71 25976 2501
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I made him tell me how he proposed to his wife before I'd bang him. I have a problem.

Fav 29 1484 6272
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He posted on my wall. Idk if I'm ready for that big of a commitment.

Fav 9 2047 3592
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

i almost hope i AM knocked up so i can ruin the rest of his life

Fav 32 2201 6308
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

Fav 11 5843 1369
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

As long as you're not dating white guys again.

Fav 111 2278 4662
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hey welcome to Rick's drunk text tree. Rick is drunk right now please respond with "shut up" to remove your name from this list. Thanks for playing.

Fav 9 6493 1605
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

is it bad that I didn't wash the cum out of my hair because it keeps my curls intact?

Fav 30 2104 7740
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I just asked the contractor building my house what it would cost to put a garbage disposal in all the shower drains...there was a lot of judging going on.

Fav 8 4380 1292
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

Fav 7 4320 1154
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

obviously he has no clue about college dating. it goes drunken sex then the 1st date

Fav 19 5509 1409
share tweet
(626): View more from California

It doesn't matter if I tell the story beginning to end or end to beginning, the story still starts with a random girl blowing me in the bathroom.

Fav 17 7100 1201
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

it was really awkward..i thought he had two dicks, but later realized it was jsut his roommate

Fav 18 2177 5056
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

Fav 15 9006 1564
share tweet
(562): View more from California

Drank another frat president under the table. Thinking of starting my own, gonna call it Alpha Phi Alcoholics

Fav 16 4571 1151
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

it was either that or behind a dumpster, and i am way too pretty to pee behind a dumpster

Fav 15 3690 1399
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

they told me they were banning four lokos so yeah i did have to buy 42 of them

Fav 25 4998 1359
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

Fav 3 5391 1208
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

Fav 12 6621 1415
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

Fav 30 10993 1278
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

Fav 5 1114 3930
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

Fav 20 8777 1413
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

Fav 16 4332 1531
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

Fav 7 3716 1054
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

Fav 22 6011 1340
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

Fav 6 3832 1262
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

Fav 13 6587 1217
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

Fav 50 2804 8240
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

Fav 10 3539 1269
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

Fav 20 1540 4888
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

Fav 10 5090 1340
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7268 3266
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

Fav 10 4357 1454
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

Fav 12 2098 6065
share tweet
(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

Fav 15 2503 4298
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

Fav 7 3670 1483
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

Fav 7 1153 3552
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

Fav 12 1478 4325
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

Fav 3 1567 3275
share tweet
(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

Fav 11 8424 1470
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

Fav 26 3603 1572
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

Fav 18 1263 5038
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

Fav 15 4739 1665
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I woke up to the sound of a beer can being opened. I love him already

Fav 10 4665 1458
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

Fav 29 7341 1547
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

Fav 11 4833 1562
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

Fav 5 4618 1131
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

just found out this city drinks more beer during oktoberfest than rhode island does in a year.. i'm never leaving

Fav 21 5871 1149
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

Fav 6 1504 4124
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

Fav 14 1136 4080
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

Fav 9 4499 1151
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.

Fav 14 3589 1578
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

Fav 8 4385 1726
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

Fav 19 5002 1528
share tweet
(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

Fav 5 3645 1337
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

Fav 22 4086 1461
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

Fav 5 4393 1871
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

Fav 22 7484 1434
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

Fav 21 4692 2617
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

Fav 4 3264 1013
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

Fav 24 1577 4282
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

Fav 24 5945 1372
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

Fav 13 7348 1281
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Harry Potter. Singing. Sobering up. In that order.

Fav 4 3563 1204
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

Fav 14 4567 1378
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

Fav 16 5308 1311
share tweet
(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

Fav 13 6149 1314
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

Fav 20 5841 1676
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

Fav 7 5198 1373
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

Fav 31 10628 1612
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up in his bed wearing nothing but my underwear and it was on backwards and my entire body is too sore to move...

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im glad someone is finally more of a drunken slut than I am.

Fav 13 5795 1923
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

he kept a regular condom in his wallet just so he could comment on how it wouldnt fit before whipping out the magnums. i give him points for the build up

Fav 23 8394 1501
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

Fav 14 5777 1407
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I just realized i came back home with my lei that one night. How do i forget my bra but remember my lei?

Fav 22 3793 1246
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

It's amazing the difference a day and 2000 mg of antibiotic make. Nine days to go.

Fav 7 1080 2346
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I know it should be off bounds, but can this be the chick we all sleep with at some point? I can write it off as drunken mistake, you all just have to come up with equally good excuses

Fav 10 2902 1105
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands

Fav 15 7456 1997
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

Fav 3 3535 1248
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

Fav 14 4997 1211
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

Fav 10 1520 4012
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

Fav 10 3499 1181
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to wait until after Halloween to call off the wedding. No need to ruin my favorite holiday.

Fav 24 2263 5384
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7153 1393
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

It was romantic. He brought over a bottle of Jack to celebrate us becoming official on Facebook. Definitely a story for the grandkids.

Fav 4 4970 1343
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she's a gynecology student. i don't know if my dick's ready for that kind of pressure.

Fav 5 1563 2903
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Just think about how many life skills I lack. Cooking... Driving... Sobriety...

Fav 8 3633 1509
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

It's one thing to send dick shots. It's a whole other thing to send unimpressive dick shots while wearing crocs.

Fav 24 1536 7252
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

They had half off shots during the fourth quarter. I was powerless.

Fav 9 3358 1176
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

What baked good do you think says thanks for being a great tutor, lets bang?

Fav 37 5365 1192
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

Fav 49 8103 1610
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

So last week was the 4th time a girl cried after sex. I'm seriously doing something wrong

Fav 28 1315 6305
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

Fav 3 4181 1169
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

Fav 7 5516 1230
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

Fav 4 1439 3002
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

Fav 16 1197 5988
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

Fav 3 1398 4561
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

Fav 8 5732 1135
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1496
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

Fav 10 4812 1354
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

Fav 15 5190 1631
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

Fav 35 5129 2891
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

Fav 7 6399 1626
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

Fav 7 1537 3496
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

Fav 4 3160 1188
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

Fav 15 7799 1419
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

Fav 15 5616 1415
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

What's the big deal? you guys fuck

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

3 times is my limit. I don't even want to know you exist after 3 times

Fav 21 3127 1922
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

Fav 12 6968 2291
share tweet
(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

Fav 12 7657 1342
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

Fav 10 3122 1700
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

Fav 11 6151 1325
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

Fav 2 1464 3858
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

Fav 15 4547 1215
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

Fav 17 2702 5300
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

Fav 12 5705 1319
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

Fav 23 4917 1224
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

Fav 17 7496 1344
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

Fav 6 5207 2061
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

Fav 6 4703 1339
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

Fav 10 1385 4465
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.

Fav 10 1406 3232
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

Fav 5 3266 1027
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

Fav 13 6130 1153
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

Fav 9 5089 1209
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

Fav 4 7139 1389
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

Fav 6 3862 1085
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.

Fav 13 1289 4441
share tweet
(415): View more from California

He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

(650): View more from California

.......................................

(415): View more from California

My thoughts exactly.

Fav 6 1228 3213
share tweet
(415): View more from California

i figure i've seen his cum stains on the floor, i'm allowed to say these things.

Fav 1 2508 1131
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

Fav 10 1080 5127
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

Fav 18 5030 2183
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

Fav 17 5685 1249
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

Fav 13 7360 1549
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

Fav 8 1688 3192
share tweet
(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

Fav 9 2050 4610
share tweet
(247): View more from

Dude, she told me she wanted to bang my dad. I don't know which is worse, the fact that she wants to or the fact that she told me.

Fav 11 1233 4648
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

Fav 13 3272 1569
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

Fav 19 1457 4789
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

Fav 6 4452 2040
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

Fav 10 6629 1174
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

Fav 27 3721 5579
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

Fav 13 6817 1262
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

Fav 9 3713 2028
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

Fav 11 5371 1214
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

Fav 19 4989 1441
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

Fav 15 7691 1215
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

Fav 15 4498 1131
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1836
share tweet
(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

Fav 10 5039 2421
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

Fav 15 6295 1346
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

Fav 15 6758 1190
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

Fav 13 4373 1310
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

Fav 19 4182 1629
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

Fav 4 5352 1274
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

Fav 17 8658 2177
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

Fav 7 3557 1115
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

These hangoverless Sunday mornings are becoming too regular.

Fav 6 1619 3768
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

Fav 18 2154 6408
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

Fav 14 3880 1926
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

Fav 7 3285 1334
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

Fav 21 8830 1433
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

Fav 16 2858 3688
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

Fav 3 3155 1133
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

Fav 11 4061 1043
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

Fav 10 5086 1304
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

Fav 21 8967 1504
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

Fav 11 4960 1544
share tweet
(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

Fav 9 5380 1285
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

Fav 5 3349 1579
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

Fav 9 3730 1356
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

Fav 12 1951 4975
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.

Fav 16 2072 2992
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

Fav 14 2015 7686
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

I miss vodka workout Fridays

Fav 5 3181 1254
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

Fav 9 4904 1851
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

Fav 15 5695 1388
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

Fav 51 11496 1748
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

Fav 10 5612 1298
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

Fav 20 12259 1657
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

if you want blown tonight you're gonna have to take me up on that offer now. in less then 45 minutes you're gonna be blacked out and i'm not doing something i'm not getting credit for in the morning.

Fav 20 5457 1453
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

please just be careful, i just switched my facebook status to "in a relationship", i would look really pathetic if i had to change it back to "single" already

Fav 8 3224 1783
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

He poured all of the vodka into the sweet tea and said that tomorrow it would be called 'surprise drunk.' then we had sex.

Fav 4 4947 1010
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

Fav 11 4672 1475
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

Fav 12 4782 1208
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

Fav 6 4838 1293
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

Fav 4 6061 1321
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

Fav 6 5384 1806
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

Fav 7 4284 1313
share tweet
(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

Fav 25 15048 1717
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

Fav 10 6109 1193
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

Fav 14 2418 5022
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

Fav 16 6409 1754
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Since when does sleeping with your RA not result in free meal swipes? I feel so tricked...

Fav 19 1478 4121
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

Fav 22 5400 1713
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Just made a photo collage of the girls I've hooked up with this summer. I'm patting myself on my back right now

Fav 17 3815 1430
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

The manager of the bar we were at the night before came to my house today giving me coupons. Apperently you and i won karaoke night which is a prize of 300 beer dollars. No idea what beer dollars means nor do i have any memory of doing karaoke but lets go back tonight.

Fav 5 7316 1339
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

The working title of my paper? "Tailgating: A Big Clusterfuck of Kids Who Dont Actually Give a Shit about Football"

Fav 19 5523 1324
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

would he be offended if i told him that "national coming out day" is october 11. thats subtle enough right?

Fav 7 3737 1309
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

relax...and go to your happy place, which probably has a lot of dicks

Fav 3 4317 1286
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

she has a picture of her daughter riding a giant rooster.. of course i want to make obscene cock jokes

Fav 10 4904 1427
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Just slept with my boyfriend's roomie to learn if bf was cheating on me

(1-425): View more from Washington

Good plan. When in doubt, sleep about.

Fav 39 2760 5415
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

we managed to turn Dream Phone into a drinking game. don't hate.

Fav 7 4043 2116
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

About to fuck some random fraternity guy I met at a party. I guess this would be the right time to say I don't want to be with you anymore.

Fav 46 3355 14247
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

Fav 32 5435 2719
share tweet
(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

Fav 43 14863 2793
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

Fav 10 3883 1325
share tweet
(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

Fav 20 6952 1585
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She just left after she spent the past 2.5 hours fuckin the shit out of me. I'll put that in the logbook as a cross country

Fav 16 5142 1198
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

Fav 12 4167 1366
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

Fav 7 3325 1742
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

Fav 15 8131 1622
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

Fav 12 3899 1334
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

Fav 5 6552 1762
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

Fav 15 9275 1550
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

Fav 8 4619 1304
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

We need to stop celebrating holidays that dont belong to us

Fav 16 4085 1197
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

Fav 8 4752 1668
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm hoping to finish this bottle of wine before I pass out, I don't want the remainder spilling on my white down comforter.

Fav 6 2967 1160
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

Fav 40 4738 1602
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

Fav 14 5098 1397
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

Fav 13 5330 1636
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

Fav 14 1422 5252
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

Fav 14 3975 1291
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

Fav 4 4184 1250
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

Fav 23 1403 5726
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

Fav 13 1728 3570
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

Fav 9 4940 1218
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

Fav 5 1189 4115
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Just tell him to eat fruit before so it tastes good. Then it's just like shotgunning a smoothie

Fav 13 4799 1514
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you figure out which one you wanna sleep with, & I'll sleep with the other one. problem solved

Fav 15 4408 1125
share tweet
(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

Fav 11 1266 5125
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

Fav 19 4372 1171
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

Fav 24 9767 1932
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Let's review the facts-we're bored, we have a ton of beer, and we live 5 minutes from the zoo. This equation is easily solvable

Fav 14 5757 1184
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

Fav 10 4920 1263
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

Fav 16 4378 1582
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

Fav 7 6900 2020
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

Fav 18 10113 1409
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Everytime I see a couple on campus walking and holding hands I just want to yell he's gonna lie!

Fav 27 2242 4220
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

Fav 30 11328 1495
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

Fav 11 6082 1254
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

We need a plan...

(1-512): View more from Texas

Find random men. Use them as sexual objects. There's our plan.

Fav 36 6802 1279
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

Fav 14 7222 1197
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

Fav 6 4462 1352
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

Fav 12 9030 1338
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I learned an important lesson this weekend.... I'm way to good at sex to travel for it. From now on he drives here...

Fav 6 4632 1140
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

Fav 18 7529 2549
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I've hooked up with 3 different guys already this week...don't tell me I haven't been a productive member of society

Fav 20 3608 1460
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

My dad just called from upstairs on the house phone to tell me to bring him a beer. You tell me how I am.

Fav 5 2987 1598
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

Fav 25 10038 1431
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

Fav 37 2547 8179
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

Fav 14 6015 1420
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Just because you were able to pour the entire bottle of wine into 2 glasses does not mean you took it easy last night.

Fav 7 4915 1390
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

Fav 27 3981 1575
share tweet
(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

Fav 15 2893 4652
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

Fav 38 6676 1626
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

Fav 15 6021 1684
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

U shoulda just taken her to a stall and banged her and let me watch the game. Some friend u r.

Fav 4 3012 1329
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Nothing says "I'm a sorority girl" like puking at 830 in the am, wearing my anti-hazing pin, and getting ready for a tea party.

Fav 6 3852 1385
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

Fav 15 13872 1581
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.

Fav 12 3638 1390
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

Fav 8 6223 1328
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

Fav 29 1932 5551
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

Fav 22 8498 1425
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

Fav 6 3848 1037
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

Fav 14 6578 1279
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

Fav 24 7976 1409
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

Fav 8 7513 1749
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

Fav 9 5821 1239
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

Fav 24 2048 14904
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

Fav 11 1564 6109
share tweet
(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

Fav 8 5133 1295
share tweet
(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

Fav 19 2680 6311
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

Fav 23 1681 4750
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

Fav 14 6102 1480
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

Fav 16 9972 1747
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.

Fav 4 2872 988
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

Fav 13 2999 1496
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

Fav 10 6635 1270
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You'd think me telling him that I'm a lesbian would make him realize that I don't want to hook up with him.

Fav 27 1892 3581
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

Fav 18 8568 2315
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

Fav 7 7344 1431
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

Fav 10 1544 4050
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

Fav 12 4706 1142
share tweet
(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

Fav 17 8359 1374
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

Fav 10 3950 1232
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

Fav 8 4797 1184
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

Fav 48 4503 1761
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

Fav 13 5836 1688
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

Fav 5 4298 1112
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

Fav 18 4556 1312
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

Fav 6 4575 1516
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

Fav 15 3393 6132
share tweet
(818): View more from California

It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

(1-818): View more from California

And this was for your brother's Christening?

Fav 9 3877 1062
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

Fav 10 1701 3907
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

Fav 28 2984 7436
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Single handedly the worst sex I've ever had just went down. Its like we both laid there after word-less thinking about the other " could they be any worse in bed" ?

Fav 10 953 4361
share tweet
(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

Fav 6 3871 1402
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

Fav 4 1225 4430
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

Fav 21 9779 1537
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

Fav 16 1890 3628
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

Fav 29 5249 2251
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

Fav 2 3807 1179
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

Fav 34 15078 1927
share tweet
(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

Fav 5 3287 1591
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

Fav 7 3968 1268
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

Fav 14 5316 1726
share tweet
(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

Fav 32 5538 1628
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15732 1824
share tweet
(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

Fav 6 8198 1573
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

Fav 27 4733 1626
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

Fav 13 5196 1246
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

Fav 10 4682 1252
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

Fav 16 5000 1701
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

Fav 21 1217 4257
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

Fav 35 2012 4433
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

Fav 32 6465 1355
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

Fav 4 4262 1156
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

Fav 6 4510 1489
share tweet
(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

Fav 16 7311 1333
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

some guy just walked by in the street and for 5 seconds yelled "IMM SOOOO HORNYYYYYY!!!!"

Fav 18 4679 1230
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

Fav 8 3879 1464
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

Fav 8 4869 1156
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

Fav 6 6630 1166
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

she kept her crown on the whole time i was giving her birthday sex

Fav 12 8022 1325
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

Fav 16 1482 3905
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

Fav 17 3754 2205
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

Fav 27 1839 6822
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

Fav 15 5389 1555
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

Fav 67 2929 9489
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

Fav 22 1317 6425
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

Fav 11 4444 1828
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

Fav 44 2990 6915
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

Fav 17 1620 7570
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

Fav 14 5494 1702
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

Fav 11 13930 1744
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

Fav 49 3515 5497
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

Fav 11 1894 4372
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

Fav 42 6028 1858
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

Fav 22 3131 1765
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

Fav 16 4905 1405
share tweet
(818): View more from California

ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

Fav 17 1489 4245
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

Fav 6 5531 1334
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.

Fav 6 1205 3768
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college

Fav 2 3505 1029
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

Fav 41 8976 2977
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

Fav 18 4219 1364
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

Fav 46 2478 8356
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

Fav 4 4742 1307
share tweet
(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

Fav 31 15541 2219
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

Fav 20 6655 1355
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

Fav 4 4643 1209
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

Fav 7 1825 4139
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated

Fav 10 947 3343
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

Fav 23 8108 1285
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

Fav 10 6105 1376
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

Fav 19 4355 1413
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

Fav 19 4428 1932
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

Fav 21 5359 1486
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

Fav 11 6579 1473
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

Fav 13 6190 2184
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

Fav 15 3386 1928
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

Fav 34 5643 2508
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

Fav 38 2427 10386
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

Fav 10 5269 1371
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

Fav 11 3649 1722
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

Fav 3 1284 3206
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

Fav 31 8196 1701
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

Fav 8 5145 1570
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

Fav 11 1948 3104
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

Fav 10 1207 4022
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

Fav 194 3430 16186
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

Fav 20 1612 3726
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

Fav 25 6134 1423
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

Fav 18 5779 1606
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

Fav 14 1299 3531
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

Fav 18 5109 1910
share tweet
(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

Fav 18 1168 6166
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

Fav 17 5780 1366
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

Fav 14 6435 1390
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

Fav 12 7336 1401
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

Fav 9 7052 1306
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

Fav 17 5596 2284
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

Fav 25 7721 1544
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

Fav 187 9687 7703
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

Fav 9 1690 3805
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

Fav 7 3681 1605
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

Fav 7 5645 1936
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

Fav 24 7649 1967
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

Fav 7 2131 3593
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care. I'm going to fuck John's friend and it's all your fault.

Fav 11 5427 2019
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

Fav 24 8295 1928
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12865 2259
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

Fav 71 5956 1581
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

Fav 13 1421 4797
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

Fav 13 4876 1983
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

Fav 29 1582 6872
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

Fav 9 5519 1240
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

Fav 25 4473 1422
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6363 1505
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

You're breaking my vagina 4 times a day I reserve the right to know your middle name.

Fav 18 6864 1521
share tweet
(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

Fav 10 9943 1338
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

Fav 8 1554 3182
share tweet
(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

Fav 6 5805 1336
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

Fav 17 6192 1307
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

Fav 17 8077 1414
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

Fav 33 5818 1586
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

hooking up with my manager sounds like an even better idea while i'm sober.

Fav 11 3559 1236
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

Fav 16 1857 4380
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

Fav 27 8803 2036
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6324 1312
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

Fav 6 4138 1181
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

Fav 8 5181 1431
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

Fav 10 6284 1715
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

Fav 10 4556 1352
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

Fav 13 5303 1615
share tweet
(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

Fav 7 1279 4510
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

Fav 35 1857 7079
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

Fav 12 2650 4562
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

Fav 17 4447 1225
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

Fav 24 1581 4525
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

Fav 19 4365 1325
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

Fav 10 5652 1421
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

Fav 2 4535 1442
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

Fav 25 3881 2021
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

Fav 36 7779 1688
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

Fav 40 5321 1962
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

Fav 17 4961 1382
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

Fav 13 6527 1729
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

Fav 8 1366 4107
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

Fav 16 5668 1360
share tweet
(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

Fav 32 8894 1621
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

Fav 17 4026 1756
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

Fav 15 2939 4478
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

Fav 9 6018 1460
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

obviously you don't know the college version of myself. if there's something i'm ALWAYS willing to put up for it's alcohol.

Fav 6 3289 1089
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

Fav 8 6407 1420
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

Fav 15 4654 1511
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

Fav 55 27830 2972
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

Fav 33 9232 1481
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

Fav 25 5627 1547
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

Fav 31 10066 1718
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.

Fav 18 2032 4328
share tweet
(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

Fav 22 6692 1493
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

Fav 42 1307 12701
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

Fav 11 8658 1401
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

Fav 13 1178 4252
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

Fav 11 7925 1585
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

Fav 83 11866 2384
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

Fav 31 7023 1573
share tweet
(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

Fav 22 1757 6306
share tweet
(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

Fav 12 6402 1280
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

Fav 12 2332 2921
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

Fav 54 11592 1816
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

Fav 12 6344 1267
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

Fav 35 8667 1553
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

Fav 30 2500 4150
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

Fav 34 1825 4822
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

Fav 41 13366 1859
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

Fav 13 4340 1385
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

Fav 20 6892 1379
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

Fav 37 6447 1619
share tweet
(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

Fav 74 5390 1697
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

Fav 16 9052 1680
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

Fav 11 4184 1202
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

Fav 53 7810 2821
share tweet
(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

Fav 11 1269 4459
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

Fav 36 6932 1671
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6670 1375
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

Fav 8 3798 1231
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

Fav 21 4312 1180
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

Fav 27 4676 1268
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

Fav 24 5230 1350
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

Fav 18 5751 2314
share tweet
(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

Fav 15 7647 1560
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

Fav 310 11764 6071
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

Fav 33 3519 1519
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

Fav 24 4382 1297
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5639 1758
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

Fav 23 5522 1493
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

Fav 16 3842 4148
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1880
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

Fav 3 4163 1225
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

Fav 16 6771 1329
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8181 1576
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

It hit me after I slept with his best friends and brother, that maybe I took it a bit far

Fav 37 1970 4835
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

Fav 22 5513 1380
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16944 1858
share tweet
(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

Fav 12 4716 1107
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

Fav 13 4492 1435
share tweet
(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

Fav 15 5678 1582
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.

Fav 7 1765 2971
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

Fav 9 5159 1094
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

Fav 17 6150 1592
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

Fav 9 4302 1285
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

Fav 22 7677 1458
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

Fav 9 1599 3522
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

Fav 25 9271 1457
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

Fav 36 4902 1650
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

Fav 15 4292 1405
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

Fav 26 5583 1616
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

Fav 43 5377 1368
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

Fav 25 7655 1490
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

Fav 23 7117 1739
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

Fav 18 4461 1474
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

Fav 24 7452 2457
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

Fav 22 2164 6198
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

Fav 11 4582 2096
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

Fav 17 6046 1657
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single

Fav 20 1401 5140
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

Fav 15 6497 1897
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

Fav 21 6963 1995
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

Fav 10 6667 1524
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

Fav 16 8389 1258
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

Fav 19 4744 1347
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

Fav 8 4235 1151
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

Fav 14 5820 1565
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I keep getting texted pictures of my husband with other men. I can't figure out if he wants a divorce or a threesome?

Fav 23 1761 7355
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

Fav 16 4207 1715
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Hangovers were designed by God when he decided that so far he had taken it WAY TOO EASY on me.

Fav 12 2877 1294
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

Fav 18 8808 1589
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

Fav 45 2532 7174
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

Fav 50 7005 2901
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We FINALLY fucked. I swear that's the longest I've ever held out for

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Umm you met him three days ago....

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I said what I said

Fav 30 7942 2013
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

Fav 26 1777 4285
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

Fav 20 1512 6471
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

Fav 16 2060 4685
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

Fav 15 5994 1457
share tweet
(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

Fav 32 2033 7407
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2075
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

Fav 13 7295 1421
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I feel like none of my dresses scream slut the way I'd like them to

Fav 26 5835 1877
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

I don't remember much but I know I looked hot.

Fav 19 6265 1334
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

Fav 17 6330 1615
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

Fav 25 6768 1622
share tweet
(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

Fav 20 1498 6126
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

Fav 19 1963 4223
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

Fav 13 2277 3964
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

Fav 11 1808 4665
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

Fav 13 3940 1322
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

Fav 40 5081 2431
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12267 1779
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

She just got in car wreck. Wreck sex is better than break up sex

Fav 18 4323 1560
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

Fav 22 7137 1578
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

Fav 8 4063 1678
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

Fav 17 6648 1550
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

Fav 23 4859 1599
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2051
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

Fav 39 9002 1804
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

I asked her if she wanted to make this a permanent exclusive thing instead of a fuck buddy thing, and she just looked at me like I'm an idiot.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

That's because you are an idiot.

Fav 17 2147 5275
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

Fav 21 6462 1463
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

What I dont get, is for a man with a penis his size, to choose to go back with another girl instead of one that he says is the best sex he's ever had. He cant afford to be picky.

Fav 21 1106 4138
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

Fav 74 15617 1661
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

Fav 24 7440 1896
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

Fav 28 5744 1676
share tweet
(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

Fav 28 3788 2937
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

Fav 46 9216 1500
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Today I learned you can't titshake with a corset on.

Fav 12 1290 3717
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

It's a big world.....someone has to fuck it.

Fav 36 6138 1561
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

Fav 16 7805 1294
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

Fav 9 6694 1377
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

Fav 17 4881 1578
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed

Fav 26 5079 1748
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

Fav 17 6071 2099
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

Fav 16 1900 5914
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Just got a hand job during Charlie St.cloud I honestly never thought Id thank Zac Efron fir one of his movies but thank you

Fav 20 5377 1355
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

Fav 16 4482 1320
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

Fav 29 6427 1545
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

Fav 81 7217 1684
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

Fav 36 20509 2054
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

Fav 23 1401 6595
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

the problem with open bar is i never know what to get

(781): View more from Massachusetts

did you really just start a sentence with "the problem with open bar is..."

Fav 10 6224 1602
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

Fav 19 4499 1622
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

Fav 31 9030 2209
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

Fav 49 6721 2096
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

Fav 26 5439 1820
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

Fav 21 7511 1781
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

Fav 58 15471 2159
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

Fav 38 7409 1707
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

is there a legit reason for the weird voicemail I got at 2:14am?all I could make out was 'help me' 'two hours' and 'toilet butt'. wtf did u drink.

Fav 29 5152 1893
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

Fav 66 5977 3122
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

after giving each other head, we had a really nice post-oral heart to heart. found out he lost his virginity in a threesome.

Fav 25 6159 1635
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

Fav 29 2233 6491
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

Fav 12 6162 1587
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

Fav 14 4346 1977
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He came on my chin and called me cumbledore. i give up.

Fav 23 8746 5540
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

Fav 14 9394 1292
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

Fav 17 5392 1555
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

Fav 29 5634 1887
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

Fav 18 8733 1588
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

Fav 17 4838 1399
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

Fav 88 15146 3442
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

Fav 9 4566 1298
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

We are so drunk I just let him piss between my legs on the toilet. That's love.

Fav 37 5370 3252
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

Nah, I'm just going to keep fucking him until he realizes we're perfect for each other.

Fav 29 7270 1952
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

Fav 22 5403 1536
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

Fav 12 5649 1331
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

I said make yourselves at home, not to put a used condom on my ceiling fan.

Fav 11 1924 5003
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

We pinky-swore to never fuck each other again.

Fav 43 2848 5350
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

Fav 33 5853 2719
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

Fav 10 4789 1089
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

Fav 51 13677 1686
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

Fav 15 5693 2062
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

Fav 26 5799 1432
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

Fav 36 7080 1758
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

dude uncooked spaghetti noodles dipped in thousand island dressing is better than it sounds

Fav 19 1845 4833
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

Fav 11 4092 1739
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

Fav 7 4454 1298
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

Fav 23 8490 1705
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

Fav 23 2709 4651
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

Fav 14 1491 4758
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

Fav 9 4500 1150
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

he puked in his toast at dennys. after snoopdogg high fived him. couldn't be prouder to be his bro in law.

Fav 13 6384 1316
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

Fav 39 11791 2285
share tweet
(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

Fav 36 16126 1595
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

they're mlb prospects.. of course i'm gonna bang one of them.

Fav 23 4518 1184
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He was wearing his Class of 2007 shirt so I sat there for 5 minutes and read all the names of the guys I can remember giving head to.

Fav 22 4958 2474
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

Fav 20 4694 1739
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

Last night you were talking while puking saying, "ahh the shoes and the purse, I'm gonna have to wash those"

Fav 10 1304 3432
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

Fav 18 1569 3662
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

Fav 16 4814 1430
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

Fav 34 8629 1337
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

Fav 35 6291 1349
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

Fav 64 5581 1598
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

Fav 8 5825 1504
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

Fav 26 7060 1339
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

Fav 18 5096 1504
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

Fav 16 2473 4789
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

Fav 16 1427 4080
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

Fav 17 9767 1649
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11680 2189
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

Fav 25 4398 1432
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

Fav 24 5443 1812
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

Fav 38 11690 1726
share tweet
(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

Fav 21 7718 2074
share tweet
(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

Fav 17 1745 9386
share tweet
(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

Fav 17 1384 4533
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

West Wing DVD drinking game: drink whenever they waqlk around a lot. I LOVE POLITICS SO MUCH

Fav 12 4405 1295
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

know what the best part about malls are? standing on the upper level and boob gazing

Fav 26 6037 1907
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

Fav 41 5027 9347
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

Fav 82 9787 1605
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

Fav 18 1453 4691
share tweet
(619): View more from California

When I realized it was a dog, and I still had a boner, it was awkward.

Fav 27 1375 7889
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

Fav 36 7955 1857
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

i have only one word for you: 3somewithnorwegiangirls

Fav 48 11107 1525
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

whatever it's my dick and i'll put it wherever i want

Fav 39 7477 1808
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

Fav 22 8696 1390
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

Fav 17 5496 1457
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

Fav 24 8146 1758
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape

Fav 17 3903 1092
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

Fav 18 7578 1603
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

Fav 15 4448 1558
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

Fav 44 5590 1668
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

Fav 25 5433 1395
share tweet
(310): View more from California

It was one of those "since we're naked anyway" type situations

Fav 19 8761 1467
share tweet
(718): View more from New York

I managed to convince him it was his fault I cheated on him...he spent the last 40 minutes going down on me. I feel legendary.

Fav 155 8592 8963
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

Fav 17 1327 5682
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

If I wanted to fuck someone, I'd go for John. I'm meeting Bryan cuz I wanna get to know him better. And eventually fuck him. But not this Tuesday.

Fav 26 4663 1425
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1911
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

after taking her first shot and having her first random hook up she finally feels like she is ready for college

(973): View more from New Jersey

she has no idea

Fav 25 5517 1429
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

Fav 44 5929 1661
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

Fav 22 4970 2499
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

and then the other night his penis tricked us both into sex

Fav 23 6883 1476
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10361 1803
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I tried to cut him off and he said "I was the president of a fraternity for 3 years, I could outdrink God."

Fav 21 10798 1960
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

Fav 34 3666 4724
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Fav 24 4687 2500
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I can't make this stuff up. Your ex is singing I Will Survive on the karaoke.

Fav 27 5167 1564
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'm pretty sure this isn't my phone, but I do like these nude pics

Fav 21 6793 1318
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got over my period in 3 days...I believe that is god's way of saying "go fuck an amazingly attractive Italian boy on vacation"

Fav 19 7980 1384
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

I probably shouldn't have slept with him. I feel like that may have given him the wrong idea.

Fav 20 3279 2226
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

if you wouldnt have been fucking me hard and crazy like that then my bed wouldn't have broke. you owe me 600.

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

so you admit it was good then??

Fav 27 9115 1459
share tweet
(714): View more from California

walking on campus just saw the exact moment some kids life got ruined

(714): View more from California

he's on the phone and just starts going "FUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUUCCCCCCCCKKKKK", then follows it with "Are you sure your pregnant?"... made my day

Fav 44 5323 9044
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

Fav 20 4097 1996
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

Why's my alcoholism being used to prove a point?

Fav 9 3010 1633
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I swear a good massage is the easiest way in my pants.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Not that there's a hard way... but you know what I mean.

Fav 29 6538 1495
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

i spent 45 minuets spilling my heart out to him telling him i was in love with this other guy sorry. when i was done he asked me to give him a blow job. i did. i have commitment problems

Fav 31 1953 5272
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat

Fav 24 2703 3707
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

bars should really give you discounts for bringing your own shot glass

Fav 14 5189 1225
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

Fav 23 2421 3981
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

We totally just fucked in a closet. These vacations with his family are causing creativity I never thought I had.

Fav 26 5998 1260
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.

Fav 40 6836 1956
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

Fav 26 8478 1779
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I mean I gotta puke to be skinny, wax to be hairless, and drink to be fun. Life isn't easy.

Fav 43 2769 7905
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

Fav 25 7205 2118
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I think his parents are learning english from the phrases I shout during sex.

Fav 7 5679 1496
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

it glows. i had to have it.

Fav 14 5855 1359
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

Fav 27 2597 5248
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Her boobs are too amazing to be looking at my dick. I'm even ashamed.

Fav 7 4686 1331
share tweet
(619): View more from California

I seriously just washed my dick in a public restroom. That's how dirty last night got

Fav 20 1572 4395
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

Fav 32 3109 5030
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

repeat this after me. period at the beach is better than baby at the beach. breathe. and: period at the beach is better than baby at the beach.

Fav 16 6090 1686
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

Fav 28 1453 4451
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

Fav 76 17029 2586
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

Fav 60 15768 2599
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I HATE DRINKING WITH JUST GIRLS, ITS 1030 THEYRE ALL HAMMERED AND TALKING ABOUT HOW AWESOME THEIR SHOES ARE!!!!!!!

Fav 42 2823 7384
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

Fav 9 6514 1513
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2144 5762
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If I start taking birth control 8 days after we had sex do you think it'll stop the baby from being made?

Fav 46 1354 16652
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

Fav 6 5974 1385
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Is he smart?

(1-952): View more from Minnesota

Why would i know that. That would deal with the top half of his body. I only deal with the bottom half.

Fav 20 6352 1475
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It's not fair. Guys with dicks that huge should not be allowed to be catholic.

Fav 28 2708 5123
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

Fav 19 7983 1594
share tweet