Texts From Last Night · ohthehyemanatee's Favorites

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

If I had a clone, I'd fuck it with a condom

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(240): View more from Maryland

it doesn't matter, he's just a life support system for his dick

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

my parents decided to start a new christmas tradition. we will now be drinking champagne while opening presents, and we each get our own bottle

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear if she asks me for a baby one more time I'm gonna sleep with one of her friends

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina

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(319): View more from Iowa

I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!

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(208): View more from Idaho

I'm just learned what a rim job is, I feel like crying

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm tired and starving, and I'm pretty sure I just cost the company 33,000 dollars...fuck you and you're "you'll love going to work high" nonsense.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

This whole bra on the outside of my shirt thing is so convenient. It turns my shirt into a pocket to eat Fritos out of. Mmm boobies

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

They turned motor-boating me into some kind of sick game

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(614): View more from Ohio

We stared down the barrel of pure insanity, took more and the electric elephant god rewarded our fearlessness by giving me golden skulls and naked women crawling out of the walls. I love acid

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Found a fruit roll up in my pocket this morning. This means my daughter has a peach blunt wrap in her lunchbox.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.

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(313): View more from Michigan

you yelled "who's job is it to keep me from breaking shit" and then immediately ripped off the molding as you fell down the stairs.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(516): View more from New York

Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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(317): View more from Indiana

You were running around yelling "BUKAKE!" and squirting people with a shampoo bottle you found. Total shitshow.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(614): View more from Ohio

The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Carpeing THE FUCK out of that diem

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(916): View more from California

She said she liked strap-ons.

(1-916): View more from California

SHE WAS TALKING ABOUT SHOES, YOU ASSHOLE! YOU'RE THE WORST WINGMAN EVER!

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(904): View more from Florida

He just told an 8 year old to go fuck himself so we probably won't be in the butterfly exhibit much longer.

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(914): View more from New York

I bought a sword. Make the proper arrangements.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm in Burlington Coat Factory. This place'd be great if you were on E. There're so many textures...

(757): View more from Virginia

I'm kinda hoping that if I rub the right object, a genie will come out

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(805): View more from California

WHY IS MY CAR MISSING A DOOR YOU BITCH

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts

(805): View more from California

YOU CANT BLAME EVERYTHING YOU DO WHILE DRUNK ON BUDGET CUTS

(1-805): View more from California

budget cuts are serious business

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(801): View more from Utah

After we were done the second time she turned to me and called me a Hardcore Armadillo. Also, her O face involves crossed eyes. You tell me.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it too forward to say "stop being a good friend and start being a good fuck buddy"

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dude. Some drunk chick just put an Aussie hat on me and was screaming at me in German. Her friends had to drag her away. Point being, I now have a cool hat.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I know how I'm going to make my fortune.. designing an icepack made specifically for the vagina.

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(949): View more from California

So, I'm playing the Doctor Who drinking game with my dogs, but they don't understand quite when to drink. Still counts as successful, though, right?

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Are we sharing a room, or can I pack my vibrator?

(770): View more from Georgia

Yes to both. We'll use the workout rotation from dorm life.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm getting shit face wasted, and I have to be up so early tomorrow. I am bad at smart.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She almost killed me. The shot she handed me had tacks in it. Wtf?!

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(253): View more from Washington

don't you dare blame getting arrested on me. you sugested we play the penis game and we all know I'm a strong competitor

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(661): View more from California

Told some chick I'm a virgin, on my way to her house as I type this. Debating crying afterwards to fuck with her head.

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(718): View more from New York

I just wanted to let you know I just licked gravy off of my boobs. Just putting that out there.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I yelled "Coming in hot." before penetrating. Im pretty sure she loved it.

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(347): View more from New York

Michael Jackson had a heart attack when he found out boyz to men was a music group not a delivery service.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

These margaritas aren't just going to regret themselves.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Why doesn't he get that I would rather give him blow jobs than be in a relationship?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After last night's events, I googled "how to change your life direction." I found a really helpful ehow.com article.

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(904): View more from Florida

Nothing better then your mother meeting someone you randomly had sex with and him introducing himself as the guy who rocked her world once.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

i stopped calling them hangovers and started calling mornings a long time ago.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Are you complaining because you're getting too much sex to find the time to masturbate?

(1-419): View more from Ohio

Well, when you say it like that it sounds silly.

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(858): View more from California

I'm exhausted and I have velveeta stuck in my teeth

(1-858): View more from California

Did you eat out Derrek's girlfriend again?

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(224): View more from Illinois

I wont be hard to find. Im wearing a darth vader mask and I have a megaphone.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

There's a dead frog in my kitchen?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah, you found him outside and decided to give him a bath with your roommates electric toothbrush.

(402): View more from Nebraska

The worst part is that you sang Air Supply songs to him as you did it. Poor guy died in the middle of "Making love out of nothing at all"

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(407): View more from Florida

Me and my dog bond so much when im high.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like I opened a door and behind it lay mythical creatures sprinklin fairy dust upon the land leading me to a pot of gold. And that gold is some delicious cock.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just did my online traffic school at the bar. No biggie.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Thank God for loud music. There is a circus in my butt right now.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hapi new year, hope this year brings u happiness and lots of sexi people ;)

(1-410): View more from Maryland

stop writing like that.

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(565): View more from

He tied me to the bed, fucked me and left me tied up until he proved to his room mates that he actually fucked me. But other than that, best sex ever!

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(716): View more from New York

and that my friend is why you dont go in for an eye exam and drop 250 dollars on a pair of glasses after smoking a blunt

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I been sleeping but occasionally wake up feeling like tiny elves are in my throat ripping my esophagus to shreds with their bare hands.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Somehow, you made that sound extremely magical and not at all painful.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to him yelling "WHO SLEEPS WITH A BEER IN THEIR HAND?!?" this of course, startled me awake and made me spill the aforementioned beer. So I guess the a answer is- not this girl, not anymore. Asshole

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(619): View more from California

Just put an ad on Craigslist for a fake groom... I'm sure only non creepy sane people will respond to it

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've made a list of places I want to have sex this summer. #1: Reptile House at the zoo.

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(310): View more from California

It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.

(415): View more from California

That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just got a blowie during the Avengers. It's weird knowing that the high point of your life just happened.

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(517): View more from Michigan

This baby is an asshole

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It's amazing I mean I blew that senator just for him to deny me marriage.... Politics suck and he swallowed!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Bad news: I found out that girl you want has a boyfriend. Good news: she'll probably cheat on him with you. Better news: after seeing the way she treats him, that's the most interaction you're going to want with her anyway. Trust me.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He's high as balls tripping balls and doing a reenactment of the scene where Buzz jumps off the balcony and can't fly to his soundtrack of Toy Story.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm at the store buying plan b and vodka

(231): View more from Michigan

the cocktail of hope

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(334): View more from Alabama

You peed in my camelbak and said it was a reverse catheter. Not cool.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I hate cuddling. I also hate when people breathe. Which he did, a lot. So he can go to hell.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

your blue lips and tongue was their first indication you were probably underage

(608): View more from Wisconsin

HEY THERE IS NO AGE LIMIT ON BLUE SLUSHIES

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(919): View more from North Carolina

What I'm trying to say is, that time you chained me to my dresser and made me beg for it was incredibly romantic.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

drug dealer added me on facebook, win ?

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

omg no way im finding him!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he has no pics of his face, and im always drunk so i cant remember if hes cute or not, but he told me im in his phone as "party girl" which is fitting i guess cause im dragging my hungover ass to buy preggo tests, and i had to get the cheap ones cause i blew all my cash on coke.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish there was a classy way to show off your boobs.

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i wish i could "like" people's thoughts in real life like i can on facebook

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

you can....by speaking....

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(812): View more from Indiana

At least he could have found a MILF, she's a dbl bagger. No wonder he goes to counseling.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

Yeah..you can't spell Prozac without Zac(h).

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(845): View more from New York

Just realized how sopa could affect my ability to watch porn, son of a bitch

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(440): View more from Ohio

It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i voted for prop eight dipshit. more weddings = more CAKE.

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Everyone knows relationships are a winter sport

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you think french fries on pizza would taste like?

(859): View more from Kentucky

i already know. Delicious. Use ranch.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(816): View more from Missouri

I swear to God, I just heard my guardian angel tell us to stop. I think we should listen.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Sitting in airport bathroom. Guy walks into toilet next to me and announces "I want to apologize to the entire airport for what I'm about to do"

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(302): View more from Delaware

are you still mad that doritos made their way into my sex life

(860): View more from Connecticut

.....a litte

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(765): View more from Indiana

Good news! I don't have Hep C! Better news! I still hate you!

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(626): View more from California

So hung over, I told one of the candidates she's hired if we can turn the lights off and take a nap instead of doing her interview. I feel like she has potential.

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(406): View more from Montana

I ate her out for so long I might actually shit a vagina

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(773): View more from Illinois

WE COULD TOTALLY DO ECSTASY AND GO TO THAT CAT SHELTER OFF OF BROADWAY.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's not really that big. Girls just think it feels big. It's a cocktical illusion.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

No, man, we stole the housekeeper's key and we're just going room to room raiding mini fridges. Hurry

(828): View more from North Carolina

Logan has the vodka and snickers. We're making a run for it. Room 302

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

And I can feel feelings now and they hurt

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(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

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(973): View more from New Jersey

if I see one grey pube I'm spitting his penis out!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Cops came. Forced us to take the "Honk and We'll Drink" and the "Free Shots to Father's of Freshman Daughters" signs down. Before we did, someone honked and the cop said, "Aren't you gonna drink?" They then told us to move the party inside by ten.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(818): View more from California

he yelled 'rock me amadeus!' when he came

(323): View more from California

i love that song!

(818): View more from California

NOT THE POINT

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(210): View more from Texas

He returned my car yesterday. Found a duffel bag with beef jerky, condoms, and a handgun this morning. Slightly concerned

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(132): View more from

if you force a hooker to have sex with you and dont pay her would it be rape or theft? something to ponder

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(443): View more from Maryland

She said my dick tasted like a junior mint. Ive decided im using this soap the rest of my life

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(410): View more from Maryland

Please tell me what happened last night... specifically who told me it was a good idea to pee in my shoe.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He told me I had nice tits + they have a great shape. + then proceeded to flatten my boob + show me what the gross tits he's seen look like.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(317): View more from Indiana

its whatevr the fuvk you could ever want is wht it is. i dont wanna read. literacy? overated in my opinion. overated.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Dude, she uses Old Spice. It smelled like I was eating out my grandfather.

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(850): View more from Florida

Did you dl zombie porn on my computer?

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(503): View more from Oregon

We both bought three foot bongs...going to race to see who can smoke a mile first.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(630): View more from Illinois

just jacked off in the bed i was conceived in.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just fyi NOT a good idea to drunkenly insert your NuvaRing after chopping jalepeno peppers

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(770): View more from Georgia

He said I could pay him back in blow jobs. What's the going rate for those these days?

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(607): View more from New York

You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am far too hungover to deal with the fact I can hear you masturbating in the bathroom.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i feel like my tongue has its own mouth, and that mouth just bit its tongue and is clenching its teeth.

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(530): View more from California

My 16 year old neighbor is throwing a rager cuz her parents are out of town and my brother and I are sitting on the porch listening to A) someone fuck on the trampoline B) a girl bawling about her parents finding out C) someone puking in what we think is the hot tub. And overall we take a shot everytime someone says "bra"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Just found a uh poem I wrote on ambien. It says to "cry your seamen filled tears" and "I hope you take a dagger to your vagina" and at the end it says "sincerely, God". What.the.fuck do they put in that pill?

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(812): View more from Indiana

Fake an illness. Her and her friends are like the female version of guys who wear tapout shirts

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Doing lines off a plate that says, "things go better with coke."

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Well she just peed in a pot and is now trying to boil it

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(256): View more from Alabama

oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay! I've got my sketchbook, my purse, my coat, and a knife hidden in my cleavage. I'm ready for to meet my blind date~

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Idk man, it felt like my skin was a suit and I could feel it zipping up my side and up to my mouth. And then my head felt like a ventriloquist dummy's head, with the jaw thing..it was freaky, dude

(1-970): View more from Colorado

You think that's a metaphor for anything, champ?

(970): View more from Colorado

Shut the hell up.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Beware of calls from Dad. I just had a longer than I would care to admit convo about the ididarod. Apparently it starts tomorrow.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I wonder if all of the nights I blacked out will be revealed to me when I die. Have you ever thought about that?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He came in both my eyes, then refused to give me a towel unless I found him by playing Marco Polo

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(217): View more from Illinois

if im not pregnant im gonna be so pissed for spending the money from my weed fund on the test

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wow, a mother in the making

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I knew I shouldn't have slept with her...my dick looks like a stegosaurus tail

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I wish I only lived at night.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Most awkward thing ever: Meeting your BattleShits opponent post war.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think men at large are the problem in most or all relationships. It's like trying to drag a three-legged retarded puppy through an obstacle course

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(301): View more from Maryland

Toilet is so comfy. Serious question/why does weed make every surface feel like bed?

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(407): View more from Florida

Ohhh,that's true. Babies are only fun when you're high. Otherwise, they're the worst kind of people.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(480): View more from Arizona

In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

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(714): View more from California

You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Not my cup of tea

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude go to the top of pikes peak right now to catch Kevin Bacon's band performing

(719): View more from Colorado

The bacon? Yeah right. What if there's Tremors?

(303): View more from Colorado

Him and Burt have already taken care of that. It's a once in a lifetime chance to catch the Bacon brothers live in concert. I sort of have a boner

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(817): View more from Texas

i love marijuana more then i could love a human baby.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

If i ever have a kid with an outie i'm giving it up for adoption

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(360): View more from Washington

When he grabbed my tits it felt like he was either giving me a mammogram or trying to pierce my nipples with his fingers.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Im tired as fuck but i cant leave him here like this i gave him the acid and i feel the responsibillity to put his mind back together its fun im an architect about to about to construct a whole new belief and moral system inside this soul. Talk about the best psychothearpy

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(214): View more from Texas

btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer

(214): View more from Texas

i owe you one

(469): View more from Texas

thanks for snagging those panties for me

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(909): View more from California

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm buying this stripper a house, I don't care what her name is.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I kinda look like a classier blonde kenny powers.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile

(270): View more from Kentucky

But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.

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(469): View more from Texas

I think you blew it when you asked her "Do you look good naked too, Or is it just the bra?"

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(571): View more from Virginia

is it wrong that i woudl like to tie u down to the baby changing station using the straps provided?

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(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(847): View more from Illinois

So they call this "a walk of shame" but fuck that...this walk is fantastic. What kind of debbie downer came up with that name?

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(303): View more from Colorado

Most awkward car ride ever. Kid in the front seat was bawling, 2 in the backseat were ready to fight, and I was giving the last kid a handie. This needs to stop happening to us.

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(858): View more from California

I cant wait for the day that I tell my daughter I named her after my favorite porn star.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Good news. Isn't krabs. Bad news. Not sure what it is. Worse news. Encouraged not to fuck till known. Great news getting laid tonight

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she has a miserable personality but its a good think you dont have sex with that

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

pussy has no personality

(609): View more from New Jersey

Amen to that

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(801): View more from Utah

"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(316): View more from Kansas

At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(315): View more from New York

don't pay it forward

(1-315): View more from New York

I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(907): View more from Alaska

The chlamydia really affected his face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.

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(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ya bro it was wild. Hey, is latex digestible?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

there was a kid getting taken out of the waterpark handcuffed to a wheelchair singing "tryna catch me ridin dirty"

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He told me that he wanted to break up with his girl friend but only after we had sex, only for him to make sure I'm worth it..

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(631): View more from New York

figured you should hear this from me. Your refrigerator door is way broken. I opened it last night when i was drunk and tried to climb the shelves. i got to the one with the mustard.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should our trivia night team be named?

(925): View more from California

Define Statutory

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope as the only other living being in this apartment you can explain to me why the toilet was full of cheerios this morning.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(407): View more from Florida

Please don't call me names while I'm carrying your child.

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(613): View more from Ontario

what part of 'taking a night off' includes MDMA in your world?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just told me I have an ass that could kill small children .... Don't know how to take that one

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.

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(509): View more from Washington

It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

maybe i'll see you again later :)

(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'd rather shit a knife.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(415): View more from California

Trimmed my pubes and broke your paper shredder. Separate events.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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(716): View more from New York

You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

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(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(817): View more from Texas

I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?

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(516): View more from New York

Last night i was gna tell u about how i was watching project runway & how i was upset bc they replaced tim gunn & heidi klum. but then i realized that i was watching mythbusters.

(1-516): View more from New York

True life - we need to smoke together more often

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(205): View more from Alabama

I can't believe you're trying to guilt me into a blow j because a tornado made you homeless.

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Is it working?

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(276): View more from Virginia

Michelle Duggar likes to fuuuuck

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(283): View more from Ohio

she reminds me of the first time i discovered masturbation. that's how you know it's true love.

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(407): View more from Florida

work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think the secretary can hear it when I fart in the bathroom, how do you think she feels about that?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(209): View more from California

Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!

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(540): View more from Virginia

i don't mind that he's uncut. i like it! it's like a little sweater!

(804): View more from Virginia

a cock doensn't need a sweater! especially a skin sweater! wtf.

(804): View more from Virginia

That's like some buffalo bill hannibal lector shit.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

A very small part of me wants you to appreciate me for more than just my breasts. But the rest of me is breasts.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(716): View more from New York

angela screamed across the room SHES A CHAMP when i told the pharmacist plan b doesnt make me throw up

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

This is the LAST time i'm accepting the excuse "tequila made me do it". Even tequila thinks buying all of nickelback's itunes singles is fucking retarded

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(310): View more from California

i was born a porn star she said

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He can't get past my hymen. At least that's what he said it feels like.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

hey can you give me head? jesse told me that you're really good

(651): View more from Minnesota

who is this?

(612): View more from Minnesota

jesse's little brother

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(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Its like the long john silvers of colleges, I wouldnt even go there to use the bathroom

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(858): View more from California

When the moon hits your eye like a big pizza pie, you're a dumbass

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(347): View more from New York

tell your sister to shave her snatch

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(303): View more from Colorado

Okay, who took a picture of their pubes shaved into a dragon on my phone and made it the background?!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Its like the unofficial aniversary of the loss of her virginity. And I will be giving tours of the spot they did it in and showing how I'm serious when I say the grass doesn't grow there anymore.

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(407): View more from Florida

Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk

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(703): View more from Virginia

How the fuck did you go into work today? You are a better man than I. I couldn't even show up to being unemployed on time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.

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(305): View more from Florida

You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(501): View more from Arkansas

eta to your mouth 5 minutes

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(310): View more from California

I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

(617): View more from Massachusetts

i want to face-plant into her vagina

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dude, I'm in her bathroom and there's crab shampoo... is it worth the risk?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

You're missing what this discovery implies... she's got a fucking bush.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

I wish there were wingman of the year awards.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Damn I can't remmbre the last tome I had sobr sex

(404): View more from Georgia

Um. I believe with my boyfriend, slut

(770): View more from Georgia

Fuck. Wron person. But yea

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(347): View more from New York

Dude, TWO hot chicks on jeopardy tonight. gonna be a good one

(347): View more from New York

Dude, I am so turned on right now. Hot chick with glasses from brooklyn is absolutely crushing right now, taking whole categories. might beat off to jeapordy...

(802): View more from Vermont

do another line during during the commercial and make the magic happen during double jeopardy.

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(813): View more from Florida

There was something that i liked about you, but you spent it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I figured you left because I was a shit show. Were you still there when I got locked in the bathroom and didn't know where I was? If not, that could have been a dream. I'm still not sure.

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(417): View more from Missouri

He has such a weird drunk-voice.

(1-417): View more from Missouri

dude, he's deaf.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(630): View more from Illinois

They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(303): View more from Colorado

Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.

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(216): View more from Ohio

let's bang

(773): View more from Illinois

You're in my phone as 'Weird Bus Guy' so I think my answer's no.

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(214): View more from Texas

Michael Bay is the white Tyler Perry.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(315): View more from New York

What's the rule on cocaine before dinner?

(414): View more from Wisconsin

Its 11 o'clock somewhere

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(917): View more from New York City

last night i told the bartender i only have 3 days left to live so i wouldnt have to pay for drinks

(917): View more from New York City

this morning i woke up with a nothing but a pair of what i believe are fairy wings on - and the bartender in my bed

(917): View more from New York City

he thinks ill be dead by monday and still came home w me.. WTF?

(718): View more from New York

messed up. what color are the wings?

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.

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(309): View more from Illinois

He got punched in the face, dropped his laptop down a flight of stairs, and broke his roommate's lava lamp, getting all the toxic lava goo everywhere. This is why we don't let him get drunk. And yet here we are.

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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(925): View more from California

Wait, how do girls masturbate?

(1-925): View more from California

I dunno we use shower heads I guess.

(925): View more from California

..how does it fit?

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(517): View more from Michigan

the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

fuck our hall.

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(301): View more from Maryland

we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"

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(409): View more from Texas

Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.

(904): View more from Florida

Keeping it classy as usual I see

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..

(856): View more from New Jersey

i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.

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(212): View more from New York

Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?

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(586): View more from Michigan

We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(619): View more from California

i went to toss her salad and she had a toilet paper clinger on one of the hairs

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I bet her clit looks like pig in a blanket.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(940): View more from Texas

Important info for allergy season. An orgasm will unblock stuffy sinuses.

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

It's isn't revenge sex until you've cum on her porcelain doll collection.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was so high last night that i actually googled "how to get un high"

(1-205): View more from Alabama

if you ask that question again our friendship is over

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day

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(803): View more from South Carolina

happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing

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(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(914): View more from New York

at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Woke up with a migrane, threw up blood, then my headache went away. I'm going to convince myself that it was just a bad batch of blood so I can drink again tonight

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(410): View more from Maryland

a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out

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(971): View more from Oregon

this morning he rolled over looked at me and said "oooo, you look like i need a drink" and then put on his clothes and left without another word

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i should start naming my morning wood

(201): View more from New Jersey

great idea but wrong number

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(760): View more from California

Dude I just picked up a married chick while her husband was playing pool.

(912): View more from Georgia

What do you mean you picked her up? How are you gonna leave the bar?

(760): View more from California

I didn't. I fucked her in the men's room. Come get me before he finds out.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well I thought I'd be nice but yeah I'm not a fan of you either you're an arrogant stupid cocky unfunny loser. Don't talk to me you're crazy

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(361): View more from Texas

Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.

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(509): View more from Washington

My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(940): View more from Texas

This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(607): View more from New York

I was just making a list of the girls i have slept with and i can't remember your sisters name

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(913): View more from Kansas

He may or may not be blacked out. We put him to sleep in the community bathroom. He's wrapped in your blanket and he's already puked on it twice. Using your blanket was my idea. Maybe next time you'll ask before taking my vodka.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my vagina's been through so much this weekend

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

you mean so much has been through your vagina this weekend?

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(415): View more from California

We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

(916): View more from California

Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

(415): View more from California

HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(415): View more from California

And just as he was about to come, he screamed "Oh Christy!!"

(1-415): View more from California

What's wrong with that? Your name IS christy.

(415): View more from California

He then said, "Oh shit, sorry Julie."

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(207): View more from Maine

You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to simmer down or I'm going to buy you a labia leash.

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(707): View more from California

is it weird that I didn't think he was hot last night when I was making out with him but right now I'm Facebook stalking him and think he's really attractive??

(408): View more from California

your beer goggles are on backwards.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You played a drinking game to fat people crying. It's a long climb to the moral high ground, why bother?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have two black x marks on my hands.

(503): View more from Oregon

Yep you got cut off last night after a stripper bent over in front of you and you screamed very loudly 'I can see your soul from here'

(971): View more from Oregon

damnit I wish I could remember that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he also called and said i only cheated on you 8 times but they were all trannies

(703): View more from Virginia

and someone in the background yelling "one was fat so that counts as one and a half"

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(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

You high fived me for banging your sister but lock me outta house bc I ate your pumpkin pie? Priorities bro

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(219): View more from Indiana

I wonder if there will ever be a day where I don't find lisps really really hilarious.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm going to rape someone's good day.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he started fingering my stomach rolls instead of my vag... am i really that fat?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(316): View more from Kansas

He used the phrase "no problemo" in a sext. It's over.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(503): View more from Oregon

you came out with your cock in between the legs of a balloon animal. Maybe she'll think you have a sense of humor.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

What kind of balloon animal was it?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I've been timing it. He's been showering alone for 33 minutes. 4 minutes ago, he said "truth or dare." haven't heard anything since.

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(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

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(707): View more from California

They play video games, go on acid trips, and in times of need, are willing to donate plasma together. COUPLE OF THE YEAR.

(705): View more from Ontario

I NEED to see if his girl has a sister.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't know which part of you thought this was funny but it's fucked up to wake up in that much fluff and now we don't have a couch. Fuck you.

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(209): View more from California

I'm using her two yr old as a arm rest while I attempt to feel her up. Somehow she is allowing it. How this transitions to sex should be interesting.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I woke up in the ER. This living like theres no tomorrow really could mean theres no tomorrow.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

If I ever write a book, i'm calling it "why do i work with fucktards?"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

It'll be a good sequel to my other book, "why do i sleep with fucktards?"

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(941): View more from Florida

I will call him whatever I please, including flaccid dick on forehead guy but not limited to watermelon cunt head.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Porch rule of tonight: when you sing, you must use "something" as a microphone. The person to use the most "creative" object gets the door prize...so far Stephie is winning with Jennifer's dog.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm. Arresyed bur sierra ue obbe of mt vet friends. I hope we can tyajk ane gwt ob the same page. Ur aweaome ttyl.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This is God's way of telling me He loves me and wants me to be a cocktease.

(507): View more from Minnesota

Go forth my daughter and give blue balls to all who may gaze upon your tits.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He said I was the "egg mcmuffin" of blowjobs. I'm flattered.

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(518): View more from New York

It's like being the highest you've ever been, then doing about 20 shots, and chasing them with lines of coke. All while laying on the surface of the sun.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm going to buy her a puppy, let her fall in love with it, then kill it in front of her. Does that answer how I feel about her?

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(573): View more from Missouri

I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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(706): View more from Georgia

He answered his phone while he was eating me out and proceeded to yell at his wife for interrupting lunch...impressed or rock bottom?

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(909): View more from California

Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sometimes I wonder if my parents know that I mean horny when I say lonely.

(770): View more from Georgia

That's the only definition of lonely that I know.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I like to keep a steady black out going for the holidays. I feel it makes me less cynical

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This spray tan I used isn't working out. I spent an hour exfoliating and rubbing the damn stuff in with rubber gloves. I wanted the alluring, sun-kissed, sexy look. I've achieved smelling like burnt popcorn and the cats won't stop licking me. I'm a salt lick for cats.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I've never been so embarrassed. It's like waking up as Fred Durst.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(613): View more from Ontario

New level of stoned. My Terry's Chocolate Orange didn't 'whack-and-unwrap' so I ate it like an apple.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(325): View more from Texas

You better wipe the dick of your lips before you come smoke this blunt.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I'm high and craving hash browns from McDonalds. Please pick me up. I also would like a hug and a supportive pat on the back when you get here. Thanks.

(224): View more from Illinois

Its two in the afternoon. McDonalds don't sell hash browns at 2 in the afternoon. Whore. The hug I can provide however.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've got to stop giving the gift of vagina for every occasion. I'm exhausted.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(909): View more from California

I swear, he has the body awareness of an acid-tripping quadriplegic.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

merry christmas to all and to all I give the mystery rash.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(707): View more from California

Eating this pizza pocket is like eating out god

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(619): View more from California

Dude...that line about her giving me a blowjob to get rid of her hangover actually got rid of her hangover. Spread the word.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nothing kills the mood more than a jesus song.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(315): View more from New York

the best part about watching a meteor shower at 4 am is being able to masturbate in public and drink hot chocolate at the same time.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found out the hard way that she wipes back to front. I ate her out and had to throw up.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i just wish he would text me so i could ignore his text and show him how little i care anymore

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he had more hair on his balls then in my Easter basket

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(360): View more from Washington

The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...

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(404): View more from Georgia

YOU GOT KICKED OUT OF FIVE GUYS LAST NIGHT FOR THROWING PEANUTS AT THE PEOPLE WHO WORK THERE?!

(678): View more from Georgia

correction: escorted out

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He freaked out when I started to orgasm. He said he never knew girls could orgasm too.

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(360): View more from Washington

Only mom could turn an abortion day into a shopping day

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I saw a sign that said worlds largest frying pan next exit. Way to do your fucking part Iowa.

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(416): View more from Ontario

I should just throw a hundred dollar bill into the wind and walk away... save myself the hangover.

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

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(970): View more from Colorado

ahh summer, the season during which the prefix for every verb is "get drunk and"

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(310): View more from California

Drunk in some girls audi what the fuck is happenin i love sb

(209): View more from California

it's ELEVEN

(310): View more from California

thirty

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(646): View more from New York

I've decided to only have meaningless sex from now on.

(347): View more from New York

And what brought this epiphany?

(646): View more from New York

I've decided it's a lot easier to have dirty amazing sex with someone when you don't care about the other person or what they think of you. I'm going to test this theory soon. Will update you later

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(631): View more from New York

if you need to find her look her up on www.imastupidslut.org

(516): View more from New York

.org?

(631): View more from New York

yeah. they're non profit. helps them sleep at night.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Think about if the incredible hulk and king kong had a retarded baby. That's the sound she made in my ear the entire time I fucked her.

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(708): View more from Illinois

What are you doing and how can I add sex in there

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(517): View more from Michigan

I'm bringing vagina and cookies. You'll be fine.

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(607): View more from New York

Uh yeah. I ate a brick of cheese. Didn't even cut it. We were admiring the teeth marks I was leaving. We decided it was the negative of my mouth

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(+66): View more from Thailand

Mango bong: no go. Guava bong: sweet flaming buddha it was delicious. I shall teach you the ways of tropical fruit trees.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I am too drunk to deal with your everything. Reread this everytime you feel the need to talk to me.

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(310): View more from California

I was expecting a blowjob when she shoved me in the bathroom but instead she shaved my pubes into a mustache for my penis. I am still satisfied.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

some guy just pulled a dress out of a fax machine...I have no idea what the hell is going on

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(614): View more from Ohio

The way white people respond to them, you'd think Journey was the president of Caucasia.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(712): View more from Iowa

I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love

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(301): View more from Maryland

Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up

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(256): View more from Alabama

'in an unhealthy relationship' should def be an fb option

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(847): View more from Illinois

i really care about you, respect you, another gay word, and another gay word... lets just drink

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(631): View more from New York

we were like drunken butterflies among sober caterpillars,

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(813): View more from Florida

Turns out, Windex will cut right through semen stains on a computer case.

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(707): View more from California

so wait, they're fucking, but it doesn't count as cheating cause they only do anal?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I need to find more Xanax, my Grandpa doesent leave for another week and he's made it a mission to get me to come out of the closet as a xmas gift to my parents.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My goal for break? Fuck all my exes in reverse order.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I think I sprained my soul last night

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(503): View more from Oregon

So watch family guy till our brains melt and then bang till our bodies hurt?

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(850): View more from Florida

if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm still finding big obvious chunks of condom around my car.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

if you don't open the door right now liz is going to get pregnant

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(815): View more from Illinois

There's just this way he looks at me that makes me want to suck his soul out through his dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

What I dont get about To Catch a Predator is who the fuck still uses chat rooms?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

why did u have a candy cane hung on your dick in the first place?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

she has a santa fetish

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

cute.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just because he's a soilder doesn't mean his dick is a hero.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

If I die tonight, I want you to know that your sister is awesome in bed

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(208): View more from Idaho

She asked to borrow my chapstick then said "I promise I won't get herpes on it"

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(386): View more from Florida

You sucked the drug dealers dick for a 20 of coke...?

(1-386): View more from Florida

Nooo, I payed for that. I sucked his dick because I had an urge.

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(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

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(772): View more from Florida

He upper decked the toilet, got himself lit on fire 6 times and lit 4 other people on fire in the course of 3 days.

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(970): View more from Colorado

she likes to give head while listening to britney spears, getting blown by a girl with headphones on is a nice level of separation

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think the world might be a better place if everyone was capable of having open relationships.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Brandon just fucked that chick! I tried to warn him but T9 said she had "puppy roses" instead of "pussy sores"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(972): View more from Texas

Sometimes I stick my finger in my own ass and pretend it’s a vagina. I think it’s kinda weird. What do you think?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know the guy who poops at a party and then leaves and you go in, do your business, and come out and there are girls outside that think you pooped and no one talks to you? I'm the guy who poops before you go in, because I'm in a relationship and I hate you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

this may or may not be the weed talking, but this is by far the best tasting toothpaste i've ever had

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(404): View more from Georgia

I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.

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(302): View more from Delaware

It's all fun and games until the last slice of pizza gets bong water spilled on it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she will like "you don't have to swallow this time" gift certificates for Xmas?

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(302): View more from Delaware

She looked at my cock with a kind of resigned disappointment.

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(386): View more from Florida

he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it

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(513): View more from Ohio

Why do the people I hook up with still exist after we're done?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Have you been tested recently?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Well I got my shots when I was a baby so I think I'm immune

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wouldn't necessarily call it an addiction, more of a passion. I'm habitually passionate.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(509): View more from Washington

Just watched a deer get gangbanged in my front yard by 5 bucks. Wtf animal kingdom

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not afraid to fist fight your child if I feel he is standing in between me and some tacos.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I think I died last night. I had 14 beers..well 13 1/2 if you count the one that got spilled on the baby in the elevator.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Itd be like fucking a waterbed thats been locked in a barn for two years.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Where in the FUCK do you get your analogies

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(928): View more from Arizona

its not you its me. and by that i mean i am more interested in having random one night stands with random hot girls then having the same normal sex with u.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Throwing up so forcefully that toilet water hits you in the face is not what the Pilgrims and Indians had in mind for this holiday

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(574): View more from Indiana

Since when do you have sex with people you have feelings for?

(1-574): View more from Indiana

Dude you don't understand. I genuinely felt his soul's penis in my soul's vagina.

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(217): View more from Illinois

While we were making out, he kept yelling at me for not coming to his wedding last month.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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(206): View more from Washington

Gong!

(1-253): View more from Washington

YOU'RE MARRIED NOW YOU CAN'T KEEP GONGING ME WHEN YOU GET LAID IT DOESN'T COUNT

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

During breaking dawn, he leaned over and asked me why she would have to worry about her period since she essentially just married a walking super-absorbant tampon... It was the best way to ruin those movies for me.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There needs to be a crayon color for how blue my balls are

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(205): View more from Alabama

Just spiked the bong with a ludens cough drop with hopes it soothes my throat after i rip it.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

id say bad/good trip...at first I wanted to claw off my skin... but then when i tried i ended up tickling myself for an hour.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hate is such a strong word! I prefer to think that you strongly dislike me due to the honesty I show towards your routine shortcomings of success in life.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Instead of politely asking me to shave, he passive-aggressively left me a groupon for a bikini wax. So I passive-aggresively fucked his roommate. And his roommate didn't mind my bush when he went down on me. Anyway, do you want the groupon or not?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Cops busted the party. A kid dressed as a dinosaur tried to crawl out the bathroom window but his tail got stuck. It took 3 cops to pry him out.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

its like the body should be a temple but we treat it like a kmart

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We need to get her a baby shower present. And no, a blow up sex doll with her dead boyfriends picture stuck to it, is not appropriate.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Attn every girl I've slept with in the past 26 years of my life. One of you cunts gave me herpes. This is the 4th of 5 group MMS. That's right. It's in the 50s. There are two girls I don't have #s for. One was on a cruise and the other was a prostitute in Amsterdam. So which of you has herpes?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked her to make me water, which in turn meant get me a glass. She handed me a cup of microwaved ice cubes.

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(714): View more from California

I transported a midget tonight. He got beat up by another, midgetier midget. Is it bad that this is what makes me feel compassion after 15 years of being a paramedic?

(949): View more from California

Midgetier?

(714): View more from California

Smaller, yet meaner.

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(941): View more from Florida

Doing shrooms is fine until you get raped by curtains

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So I managed to get the bitch who has been copying off me all semester in History to copy the names of Pokemon towns off my test.

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(303): View more from Colorado

we didn't have anything to do and wanted to get our money's worth out of our costumes, so if you see two mermaids day drinking by the creek it's us

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A 40 year old man just put his hands on my thighs and said in these exact words "you're so beautiful and gorgeous and innocent. But life sucks and you'll probably turn into a whore."

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(804): View more from Virginia

Your panties and toothbrush are in your mailbox. just not ready to be with anyone serious. take care.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ive waited a long time for a girl with prescriptions like yours.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he suggested i make a website called "cum on molly's face", to "start off my acting career"

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(951): View more from California

We need to play Chardee MacDennis. Contact me when you have an available date. This is not a question.

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(574): View more from Indiana

how does Santa get into Hogwarts?

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(514): View more from Quebec

We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...

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(773): View more from Illinois

That's true. There's really no bad time to take a Vicodin.

(804): View more from Virginia

It is the Reeses peanut butter cup of pharmaceuticals.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

On a scale from 0 to 24...wait, 3 to 24, where 6 is the lowest and 12 is the highest, how freaking high re you right now?

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(917): View more from New York City

Come with me and I'll find you a girl. What's your type?

(212): View more from New York

Vagina

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(269): View more from Michigan

I created another version of Halloween, it's called swalloween, whatever girl in a slutty costume you bring home has to swallow or forever be known as the holiday grinch

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also, that dude projectile vomiting all over the living room was the perfect distraction for me to swipe the booze and run.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

He showed me one of his balls and said "this one's free. you'll have to work to see the other.."

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just hit the bong during the whole bday song then blew the candles out with my exhale.

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(972): View more from Texas

Thank God I didn't lose my virginity to that asshole. That woulda been like winnin a raffle ticket for a free bag of dog shit. But with like a really pretty bag. A pretty bag full of dog shit.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

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(614): View more from Ohio

making out was so insane. it felt like our tongues were paintbrushes made of waves and we were painting an ocean galazy

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(615): View more from Tennessee

we walked around the neighborhood with caution tape tied around our foreheads, making indian noises. I might have disturbed a crime scene to make a native american headdress.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If I end up married to you I better get lots of orgasms to help me forget I failed at life.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is it awkward that I've slept with every guy in this room?

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

Only if they know about it too.

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(415): View more from California

Just so you know, each of my boobs fits perfectly in a martini glass.

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(904): View more from Florida

I miss you like a fat girl misses the prom.

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(949): View more from California

You will receive a large, large reward, worth much more than the actual phone you are holding, paid not only in cash but in sexual favors, if you return this phone! Please respond if you're interested in cash/sex/or just being a good person. Thanks and hope to hear from you soon!

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(515): View more from Iowa

Well we ran into the cornfields when the cops got there. We'd been hiding in there for 45 mins when he asks me "So this wasn't exactly how I'd planned this but I thought I'd ask. How do you feel about oral sex?"

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(713): View more from Texas

I attract so much trash. The guy that is engaged and kissed me is here so is his fiancé. I feel likeshw knows and will cut me in the bathroom might happen. If I'm not at the pool tomorrow she has blonde hair and is really flat.

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(352): View more from Florida

She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I forgot how hot balto sounded

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(810): View more from Michigan

She set fire to my carpet trying to power-dry puke covered cigs with Josh's blowtorch. How she found it in the garage is beyond me but if you bring her with you again I'll shoot you myself.

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(979): View more from Texas

I dont care what I am for halloween, as long as i'm not a father after

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

What time did you start drinking?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe isn't a time...

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(602): View more from Arizona

As girls, Bert & Ernie are not very bangable costumes. At least not by who we'd want to get banged by.

(208): View more from Idaho

I was kidding. But I promise you I'd still find us the most eligible bangables, even if we dressed up like a dumpster and a prom night baby.

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(360): View more from Washington

I dont know how to respond to your rave picture. I mean yeah, he's hot, but it just seems wrong to be like "Please tell me you fucked that guy with the pacifier!"

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(804): View more from Virginia

My mom had to physically restrain me because I wouldn't stop acting like a dinosaur.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

New plan for Halloween: you dress as Waldo, I'll dress as Carmen San Diego. We can just hide in a closet drinking till someone finds us.

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(806): View more from Texas

Apparently I'm at the point in my life where I can wake up with a dick in my face and then go back to sleep

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Just got done fucking the squirter chick. She came when we were in a 69. I now know what it's like to be water boarded.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Had to. She was getting married in 2 days & her vag was having a close out sale. You know I love a good bargain.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

raced the clock twice to day to see if i could get off before my computer died and before i left for my noon bar crawl... win, win

(608): View more from Wisconsin

lets go back to having secrets in our friendship

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(517): View more from Michigan

I took my vicodin with tequila. I can FEEL gravity...

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why did I wake up with "How to masturbate" on my youtube search bar?

(1-702): View more from Nevada

You told us you forgot how, and started to cry.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.

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(386): View more from Florida

I was just stopped at a stop sign waiting for the moon to turn green.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

You are mentally unprepared to be exposed to my degree of perversion.

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(951): View more from California

Oh I forgot to tell you that while you were in the bathroom last night I made friends with a gay man named Rodger from Venezuela and he kissed me cheek and told me I "knew how to shake my thing". From now on we go to the bathroom as a team.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I thought you should know that there is a scientific law stating that when there is booze, people talk about your dick.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He has in a pan: ten pieces of bacon, two cloves of garlic, an egg (not scrambled or hard boiled, just an egg) and frozen corn.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Golf group in front of us has 2 hooker caddies. One guy was getting a lap dance as he waited to tee off. Only in vegas.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Well, I wanted to be you for Halloween but I couldn't fit seven dicks in my mouth.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Uuh, dude you came running out of the bar screaming you didn't want to hear that song, ran face first into a truck, spun around 3 times and hit the sidewalk. I tried to catch you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

There are apples in the microwave and a cup of twigs in the fridge. I think she's hiding in the pantry, I can hear her giggling. Leaving her to it.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently

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(308): View more from Nebraska

He kept calling my vagina a magic clam, and it was speaking to him, telling him to feed it his penis. I played along.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to start using my dry humping skills. i was dry humping champion in 7th grade

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(510): View more from California

I drank entirely too much. My skin hurts to wear

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(207): View more from Maine

Who wrote Most Moistest Dad on my chest and what the fuck does it mean?!?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Accidently said "your going to hurt the baby" when he got forceful with his thrusts. I guess I forgot to mention to him that we are pregnant.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(651): View more from Minnesota

All I remember about walking back home was that I maced my shadow.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

i told him i was sober and he walked away immediately.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

don't read that magazine bro. I came in it

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm the only one here who isn't hooking up, coming out of the closet, or crying because of one of those 2 things.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(905): View more from Toronto

I have way too many pictures of poop on my phone

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(512): View more from Texas

Apparently I gave him a 'Steve jobs blowjob'

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sometimes to bang a cougar u gotta play wii With her kids

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't smoke a lot but now and then I do. Weed and I are like still standing naked in a bathroom together deciding if we should blow one another or bolt for the exit. An awkward relationship.

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(845): View more from New York

don't get me wrong, i like my boss a lot, but not enough to not bang his daughter

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Her vagina smelled like bad decisions

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

they had a keg party to fund her abortion.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck you, jack daniels. I feel like satan laid an egg in my brain.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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(530): View more from California

If it was for sex do you really think i would asking for a mass vote? I'm like fidel castro when it comes to sex. No public approval needed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You know, sometimes I seriously doubt your commitment to sparkle motion.

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(713): View more from Texas

OK WHO CHANGED MY RING TONE TO LADY AND THE TRAMP AND CHANGED EVERY CONTACT IN MY PHONE TO 'SOME GUY I FUCKED'?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Then you screamed "fuck her like shes not your sister tonight" at the people walking down the road.

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Your a horrible friend, i only tried to do the right thing by moving you off the floor.. that was not an invitation to puke all over my bed and attempt to use my dog to mop it up.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she didnt realize that i was putting on the same condom i used the night before with some other girl

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(317): View more from Indiana

Too bad you can't keep me under your desk. You'd love that wouldn't you? Massages, blowjobs, and I'd be forced to be quiet all day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I kept petting the scarves and telling customers to "feel that shit"

(308): View more from Nebraska

Stop drinking at work.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm very fluent in vodka, but that seems to be a whiskey dialect.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You know its good night when theres makeup smears on the toilet seat

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(207): View more from Maine

There's a really old guy here with a really young girl. I'm guessing he has to make choo choo train noises to get his dick in her mouth.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(573): View more from Missouri

The biggest loser is alot easier to jack off to at the end of the season

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(650): View more from California

My butt just had a miscarriage. It was yours. I'm sorry. You would have been a great sexually confused parent.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Dude. I tried to convince her to eat poprocks and give me a blowjob. It did not work out well.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Omg my grandpa just told me he wants to die in his 90's shot by a jealous husband

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Didn't I tell you I have developed a shameless theory about farting anywhere and everywhere? I'm too pretty so no one suspects me.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

this is worse than the time i threw up a condom.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(216): View more from Ohio

Wow. This hand sanitizer smells awesome. It's like I just gave a handjob to a fruit basket.

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(707): View more from California

She called all of my friends to find out where I was last night. 7 out of ten said their place.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm gonna make a mold of your dick so I can make popsicles

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(432): View more from Texas

This is the moment in my life where I take a fork in the "nice guy" road ive traveled for 23 years and fuck everything in sight that doesnt have herpes, or is in-between flare ups and I don't know about it until my dick is on fire.

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(207): View more from Maine

Going to rent a magician for when I eat shrooms. How has no one thought of this?

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(734): View more from Michigan

just heard the best thing ever: calling people's kids "fuck trophies"

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Next test. Underwater blowjob. If you fail...out of water blow job

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Best elective surgery ever. Having a great time ignoring girls' pleas to pull out and blowing it inside anyway. I like to watch them absolutely freak out and go batshit crazy for 20 mins before I mention the snip-snip surgery. Power trip.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I think I'm still fucked. I can see the electricty going through the street car lines

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(315): View more from New York

Im down. Even tho your nick name intimidates my vagina.

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(310): View more from California

I just masturbated while eating dinner. Now who's the lazy one

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(941): View more from Florida

Code red. She won't talk to me. Maybe it has something to do with her raccoon eyes. Perry said there was a brief moment of towel fighting until you passed out. Did you draw the turtle on my ass?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing is more important than the last pool party of the season. Call in sick or gay or something.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The intern claims someone glued plastic eyeballs to his penis last night. He going to show everyone in the conference room at 3pm. There is a $5 cover charge.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

how the hell did this chicken wing end up in my cast?!

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(512): View more from Texas

Times like this, when you talk openly about Tinkerbell being your spirit animal, are times when I'm allowed to question your sexuality.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(541): View more from Oregon

I thought the cops would know I was on shrooms because I was 10ft tall.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(813): View more from Florida

he just told me his nickname was "nickexplodeon"

(305): View more from Florida

does that mean he doesn't last long?

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(305): View more from Florida

I gave up my innocence when I let him cum in my spelling bee trophy

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(253): View more from Washington

drove into oncoming traffic. add a minute to my ETA

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(212): View more from New York

Her mom offered to give me a lap dance. I was a guest, I couldn't say no.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I am not ready to suck todays dick. Todays dick just laughed and came on my face.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeah. I realized I have a weakness for drugs and I need to move somewhere where I don't know how to find them.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Kay wants to put chicklets in our cooters to make beavers and take pix captioned Got Wood? Taking public transit does scary things to her.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

im sure we could have fun without alcohol but i just dont wanna chance it...

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(925): View more from California

you had a pretty long talk with your shrooms in attempt to make them not give you a bad trip, it failed

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(785): View more from Kansas

It was not a dingleberry, it was a dinglemelon

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I want to hump her dimples until her face caves in.

(917): View more from New York City

So many issues. You honestly need help.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(630): View more from Illinois

do you know how bad I want you right now?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

As bad as i want you to stop texting me?

(630): View more from Illinois

is that a hint?

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(214): View more from Texas

I pretty much envision me eating a turkey leg whilst fucking you. I have priorities.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Standards? I'm sitting on his couch eating microwaved ramen wearing his wife's t-shirt. I don't remember what having standards even feels like.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Side note: THE ORIGINAL LION KING IS COMING THE MOVIES AGAIN--3D STYLE. We need to find shrooms.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Why is there a blood-covered "sorry about your stuff" note stapled to my door?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(419): View more from Ohio

Took 45 minutes to masturbate. Fuck you Zoloft. I'm never gonna be diagnosed with depression again

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at a job interview and I smoked a little before I came. I thought it would make me less nervous. Boy was I wrong.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i feel like everytime i say im going to quit drinking someone comes along with a better idea about drinking

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(425): View more from Washington

i realized my work ethic and productivity really improves if i masturbate on my lunch break.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'd like to introduce you to my friend, Moderation. Enjoy each other's company this weekend.

(734): View more from Michigan

Your friend and I already don't get along

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(609): View more from New Jersey

wtf are you talking about? You vomit-splattered the cop from the balcony. The cop YOU called because you drunk-dialed 911 because a 5 year old ate the last donut.

(941): View more from Florida

it was a krispy kreme

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

bark. im thoroughly looking forward to kegs and eggs. next weekend should be pancakes and pinnical, then cereal and seagrams and then whiskey and waffles.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(917): View more from New York City

The dumpster is full of naked people swimming. I'm going to join.

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(713): View more from Texas

he was spitting whole peanuts projectile out of his mouth at the waitresses as they walked by and then yelled across the restaurant that he had "no problem kicking any of their asses"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I have so many hands. So. Many. Hands. I can feel arms that I don't have yet. They tickle. I can see the blood in my eyes. I think something is happening. The hands!!! I'm ticking myself with hands I don't have yet! I can't stop giggling about my notyet hands!

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(954): View more from Florida

oh, i've got big weekend plans. on an unrelated note, do you think viagra will work if the guy is roofied?

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(830): View more from Texas

I had to stop mid sex to take my turn on words with friends so he wouldn't get suspicious. Hookup of the night helped me. We won.

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(317): View more from Indiana

You can't break up with me and ask me for a handjob on the same day. At least not in that order.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I was like, "um, that's my butthole."

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

It was actually pretty good. His cock is as fat as the rest of him and I took out my contacts so I couldn't see him clearly.

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(224): View more from Illinois

The only reason why I invited him to my party was because he is suicidal.

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(207): View more from Maine

Either this is the best sandwich I've ever had, or my stomach is just relieved to have something in it that's not Red Bull or semen.

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(818): View more from California

This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(210): View more from Texas

I also have a full keg. I'm thinking about crashing a party, they can't get mad if I bring a keg of beer.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So I'm pretty sure when I was giving a Birthday Blow J, he went to grab my boob, but grabbed a fat roll and asked "You're not wearing a bra?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if he wanted to go to my place, he said i could go but he was gonna stay

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I love hooters. This dumb bartender is saying how coffee dehydrates you so that's why she sometimes just eats the coffee grinds wake up.

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(305): View more from Florida

I'll never ask another girl to get on top again, that girl from the bar last night got on top and shit diareah all over my ball sack while she was cumming.

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(503): View more from Oregon

i slept with her, drove her to her sisters house to babysit, and then drove around the block where i met her sister and had sex with her in my van. I'm family Friendly!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

yeah that pretty much nipped itself in the bud when I realized i could see her whiteheads glowing in the blacklight

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(425): View more from Washington

You told her the u were going to wrap your dick around her neck and start her like a lawn mower. thats why she left.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Reason #82 that I need to get laid: my pubes are getting split ends.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just a smidgen more estrogen and shed be golden

(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's got a legit dose of dude going on

(240): View more from Maryland

No kidding. All she needs is a cheek full of chewing tobacco and I'd have fucked John wayne.

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(409): View more from Texas

Party was cancelled. Me and my dog are high as tits. Wanna go roam the outlet mall?

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(519): View more from Ontario

sorry can't make it tonight, greg's getting back from italy. he's had two weeks of carbs and no gym; now's my chance to get myself a piece of that newly-fat, low self-esteemed ass.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Girl your like that last load of laundry... I'll do you eventually just not tonight.

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(214): View more from Texas

yeh she's definitely getting a ham and plan b omelette in the morning

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

he made transformer sounds every time he changed positions. how do you think it went?

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(214): View more from Texas

I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...

(1-214): View more from Texas

Mike i'm at church right now...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

My penis has a 100% approval rating. He has never received a formal complaint. If you'd like to file one, you can go fuck yourself.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't care if we have to swim home from the bar, Im not gonna sit home in the dark and read some fucking book

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Although I love the reason it was done, can you maybe not show pictures of my dick to all your friends at parties? I like to present my penis in my own special way. thanks

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(510): View more from California

It's 1 AM and there's a guy outside my house belting out Bennie and The Jets. He stops in between verses to puke. I'm joining him.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

she looked at me completely serious and said "orgasms are 15% Stronger during a hurricane" and started to take all her clothes off

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold some kid a bong I made out of a vuvuzela for $50. I think I found my career path.

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(305): View more from Florida

Something's wrong. Everything's on fire. Unless it was like that before. Then everything's alright.

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(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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(530): View more from California

We left around 4am, just after you laid down on your front lawn to take a piss. After 15 mins I said "dude are you still peeing?" you replied "Nope, just laying here with my dick out."

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Yeah, sam & jessica were trying to have sex and you walked in & started coaching them through it with a fake hulk hogan mustache on.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I might be a bit. I accidently started hot boxing the bathroom. I'm just gonna go with it.

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(305): View more from Florida

he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!

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(757): View more from Virginia

Sign out of Gchat. Right now my gchat list is entirely girls I've slept with.. and you. You are fucking up my gchat chi.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(970): View more from Colorado

at least the person I hooked up with donates to charity, the shirt I was wearing this morning was his relay for life shirt.

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(212): View more from New York

The grocery store is a combo of ghetto ppl complaining that the low fat chips are all that's left and hipsters trying to eat organic during the hurricane

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(816): View more from Missouri

My mom asked me if I was being satisfied, sexually. And then discussed positioning.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

his mom called while we were having sex and asked if we could finish in his brothers room because her ceiling fan was about to fall on her bed

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my boob sweat smells like rotting zombie flesh

(513): View more from Ohio

is this your pickup line?

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he had more lines than a plaid shirt

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(916): View more from California

This lady in my dui class just asked what patron was. I feel like she doesn't belong here

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(845): View more from New York

he asked me to help him wrap his girlfriends birthday presents. Dont worry we fucked right after.

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(716): View more from New York

It doesn't count as drinking alone if you're making rum cake with it.

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(602): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure i just dented her unborn child.

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(949): View more from California

Bro can a girl get pregnant if i jizz in her mouth?

(619): View more from California

hahahahahahahahahahaha

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(+61): View more from Australia

You got the eggs out of the fridge and yelled "my chickens are beasts at making eggs" and then pegged them at the ceiling and at a couple who were making out

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He thought he was drowning because he was drinking water and intentionally holding his breath. Dear god what did you get me in to.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh and now he's calling me Brohammed Ali.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I reek of $2.50 pitchers, $1 off/pack marlboro cigs, and fear.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fear?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

FEAR.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We are going to be Siegfried and Roy for Halloween and you are going to be the tiger.

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(940): View more from Texas

Note to self glow in the dark nail polish can be quite the mood killer during sex especially when you notice its working for the first time and you stop everything your doing to do spirit fingers

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He told me he had never done that before...I responded with "clearly"

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(515): View more from Iowa

They've started ranking girls from "paper-bag" to "I just came." Please come get me

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(407): View more from Florida

Remember that one time i smeared period blood on your face?

(1-407): View more from Florida

I hate you

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just had to sit down with an 11 year old who threatened to dick slap a girl.

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(602): View more from Arizona

She made me go with her to get a pregnancy test since she's missed a few birth control pills. She made me park in the "expectant mothers" spot at CVS and preceded to ask if it would be in the pest control section.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Yeah, I have to wait a few months then take a sample in, I asked the doctor if the sample could be wiped off my wife's back...i told her he said face only.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.

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(630): View more from Illinois

What started as a "classy" double date ended with Jeremy and I tripping our balls off and talking to the refrigerator while the girls cried on the couch and questioned where their lives were heading.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

And then I asked the bartender for my third shot and he told me he had to cut me off at two because this was in fact a family fun center

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I caught him trying to shit in her bed. I asked him why he was doing it and he said "because it's wrong."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you were sat in the corner crying until someone gave you a baguette, which you then tried to feed to the duck doorstop.

(1+44): View more from

I regret nothing

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(225): View more from Louisiana

thanks for being the calm eye of my shit storm.

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(269): View more from Michigan

He came on my face. Threw a towel at me. Stole my weed. And left. I thought this would be over after we graduated?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just banged your sister. Thats what you get for takibg my lunch money in 2 grade, boom, boom fiyyaa powaa

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We told you to stay put for 2 minutes. We come back out and your being handcuffed yelling "DO YOU FEEL LIKE A GOOD FUCKING PERSON ARRESTING ME ON MY BIRTHDAY?!"

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked me where I wanted it. I told him in the condom. He stops mid thrust and says "you're no fun" and then blew. Chivalry is semi dead.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you vomited through the snorkel and onto the back of your head. it was truly amazing

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(813): View more from Florida

I am now trying to reassure her that she doesn't have a wide-set vagina. So thanks, for whatever you said.

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(217): View more from Illinois

So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(636): View more from Missouri

He will not just "come" out of the closet. He will fall out, 69ing me, with two fingers in his starving asshole, wearing cum splattered lady gaga sunglasses, weeping.

(314): View more from Missouri

That was the greatest thing i have ever read.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

when you agree to fuck a guy it does by NO means make it okay for his roommate to hide in the closet with doritos and watch

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Made a vodka juice box out of a ziploc bag and a straw for when I drive. Doesn't count as an open beverage container anymore.

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(514): View more from Quebec

She just gave me a free latte.

(416): View more from Toronto

Correction. She just have you a frothy, creamy path to that vagina.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I just broke a sweat shaving my own vagina. Something has got to change.

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He put me on a rewards point system for his dick. I have to do him favors now to build up to winning sex. This is shit.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I want to be ashamed of the things we do this weekend

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(248): View more from Michigan

We got jeff a deep fryer for his bday. So far the count is two potatoes and your iPod.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The nursing school interview showed me a picture of my passed out during your party. They asked if this was a frquent thing. I told them you drugged me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

i caught myself talking to a pigeon about my yeast infection.

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Ok I might come if this chair quits being so great...I'm also seeing this bush in the corner turn into a witch

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(305): View more from Florida

Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to take things slow emotionally, but fast physically

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm in the bar bathroom about to pass out. But it's ok cause I set my alarm to go off for last call

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(707): View more from California

I love you. Thanks for all the blowjobs.

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(613): View more from Ontario

No, this is non-alcoholic oatmeal.

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(410): View more from Maryland

How many layers of skin can you loose before it becomes bad?

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just had a 30 minute conversation about hummingbirds. That high.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

I miss high conversations.

(270): View more from Kentucky

Swinging. Is. Amazing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

just letting you know that jen either: wasn't feeling well and ate grass to make herself throw up or threw up because she's stupid and ate grass

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(970): View more from Colorado

I tried exercising today. I ended up masturbating to the Wii fit trainer.

(970): View more from Colorado

I am going to be fat forever.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

please hold off on going into labor, i might need you to take me to the free clinic

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You could have chosen coming to fuck me over getting too hammered to drive. But you made your bed, and now you get to jack off alone in it.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(404): View more from Georgia

hey, i'm all for honesty but let's not get carried away

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(806): View more from Texas

You're being dramatic. You can calm down, or you can piss off. Either way, I ate your burrito.

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(607): View more from New York

whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?

(1-607): View more from New York

King Triton

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

a dead guy is trying to sell me oxy clean on my tv

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(850): View more from Florida

that bitch in the red sedan is still teasing me with the ice cream cone. i'm going to show her my dick

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(705): View more from Ontario

We didn't have a blender so we made the margaritas by running over a garbagebag full of ice with the car and then stirring it with a knife in a French-press coffee pot. CAN YOU SAY RESOURCEFUL?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Say what you want, but those Fraggle Rock DVDs have gotten me laid twice.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(614): View more from Ohio

John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I'm such a fucking super-fan. I was worried his cum would wash away his autograph.

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(360): View more from Washington

it was not a walk of shame, it was a ferry ride of shame, and i'm not ashamed, so technically it was just an early morning ferry ride. wearing yesterday's clothing

(206): View more from Washington

and semen

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It was just a reflex. BOOM I kicked her in the face

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(740): View more from Ohio

Don't make this awkward for me. Don't let your mom come near the bathroom. I can't meet your mom for the first time while I'm shitting. Dont make this awkward.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The nurse gave me a funny look when I said I thought I have an std in my throat. Bet she only does it missionary too

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just used my nephews bottle to take my birth control

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

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(206): View more from Washington

Still had my bottle opener ring on. Started to give him a hand job. LOL

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(206): View more from Washington

she wants to wait til the kids are asleep so im just shotgunning the parents beers in the pillow fort. I love fucking babysitters

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(716): View more from New York

The port-a-pottys are knocked over so I have nowhere to sleep.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hey if there is a better reason to go drink then "I've been fucking robbed!" I have yet to hear one. Also, I've been fucking robbed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just found out he cheated on me last night. But its Shark Week so I will deal with it next week.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Nope, I'm sticking to passive aggressive punishments. Like mismatching his socks and cumming on his leather couch. OCD is so wonderful.

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(775): View more from Nevada

he just flipped me off the bed, said "deal with it", and came on me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just watched a guy puke off his bike. Beyond impressed. He didn't even swerve

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(225): View more from Louisiana

we've got reservations. ask for the eat a bag of dicks table

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(509): View more from Washington

i feel like i am carryihg a baby. a baby made of alcohol.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Her vagina smelt so bad I lied and told her that I was married just so that she would leave.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm half single.

(773): View more from Illinois

Please tell me it's the bottom half.

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(516): View more from New York

There is something just so refreshing and wonderful about an uninterrupted morning poop in the office.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

update. expensive tequila only makes the mistakes more expensive.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

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(208): View more from Idaho

I realized that I earned the name Classy cassie as i was throwing up vodka slushie in my bed with a guy I know by the name extacy boy

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(260): View more from Indiana

Are you dead

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Yes

(260): View more from Indiana

Oh man

(1-260): View more from Indiana

Someone fed me too many chicken nuggets and sexed me too hard

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She brought up feelings... her days are numbered

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I had a dream last night that Anthony Bourdain gave me a vibrator.

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(713): View more from Texas

We need to get cat food

(713): View more from Texas

Nevermind, the cat will eat lucky charms

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(312): View more from Illinois

Homeslice needs to figure out he's so 2006

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(562): View more from California

just added God to my list of friends who can only see my limited profile on facebook. its such a relief to know that He can't watch me fuck up my life anymore.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just looked down there and said "i breed horses. this is better than anything ive ever seen."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

5 am is for sleeping. Or getting railed on by a stranger. But never for fundraising. Get real.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She gave me a blow job and her mom gave me blueberry muffin afterwards. I love them.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the next morning i told him i was impressed that he remembered my name. he said it wasn't that hard when "tracy

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(810): View more from Michigan

ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth

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(845): View more from New York

he payed over $300 just to break into the hotel pool and skinny dip alone for 5 minutes and then peace in a cab. and all he had to say for himself was "gotta go swimming, gotta live life"

(845): View more from New York

where do u find these people!?

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(914): View more from New York

? is bags or t-bags slang for scrotum?

(773): View more from Illinois

jesus mom

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found out that it IS actually possible to get road head from somebody in the back seat

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(516): View more from New York

drunk old tina is grateful for 14 yr old tina for placing glow-in-the-dark stickers on my light switch...just avoided so many injuries

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She said she couldn't sleep with a guy who had blood stains on his ceiling. I tried to explain it wasn't my blood, but she still left :(

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(916): View more from California

Travelers Top-Tip: Europeans do not appreciate being repeatedly referred to as "gypsy" regardless of how good your Borat impression is.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sorry I was drunk and left blood all over your back seat I was pretending to be in private Rayan and used your thong as a bandage

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(785): View more from Kansas

I booty called her while she was in labor.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

They all laughed at me when I bought that necklace from Life Alert. Who's laughing now?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

i'm drinking whiskey out of a ziplock bag in a movie theater. i'm THAT girl.

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(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I was talking to a guy at my work, and mid-sentence he started vomiting violently for about five minutes, then he said, " great dope" and carried on like nothing had happened.

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(716): View more from New York

... Already stepped in vomit and got a dirty look from a fat in a neck brace

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

No, the sea-green pills were klonopin, the bright blue ones are adderall. you're probably going to have to adjust your plans for the day.

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(936): View more from Texas

you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"

(1-936): View more from Texas

I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

How fortunate humanity is that it need not rely on the female orgasm for procreation

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(631): View more from New York

He gave them shots of purell and called it "acid rain" jello shots. They took them.

(205): View more from Alabama

I hate freshman.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

She does have a great personality.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

Yeah, in her vagina.

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(912): View more from Georgia

So we stole all of the newspapers out of the stands within a 1 mile radius and filled up her car with crumpled newspaper.

(1-912): View more from Georgia

Who leaves their car unlocked at night?

(912): View more from Georgia

Someone who wants to read the newspaper.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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(585): View more from New York

In one night, this kid threw a firecracker under a fucking cop car, crashed three seperate parties, and passed out in a tree in our backyard. Do you even know who he is?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Made out with a girl in a wheelchair and rode her around while I was blackout. On a new level.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

I was dressed as bob Ross as this occurred

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(605): View more from South Dakota

How do you feel about fucking me quick and then me leaving to go do arts and crafts?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Dong worry about me. I just cashed bottle of wine when I found out he was in town, I'm being dramatic. I'll text you tomorrow when I'm sober and my face stops bleeding

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just reached for my seatbelt when I sat down to pee... Might be a little hungover.

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(315): View more from New York

I just met his other fuck buddy...I am thinking of befriending her just to fuck with him...manuplating my roommates into hating each other is boring me i need something else to do

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(540): View more from Virginia

i was congratulating myself on not falling down the stairs when i walked into the wall. it's like one step forward, two steps into the fucking wall

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(206): View more from Washington

My roommate didn't flush after her miscarriage. Time to drink myself blind. I need you for moral support. Or so I don't have to drunkenly cry alone anymore. Whatever, help.

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(541): View more from Oregon

blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

"The juvenile turned and faced the officer, unzipped his pants, placed a fresh cigarette in between his legs and preceded to light it with a match"

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Got a thumbs up from a trucker for doing lines on the interstate. God bless america.

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(209): View more from California

come to Starbucks. I'm the fat girl eating a whole pizza sitting on the ground

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(740): View more from Ohio

He looked at my vag and said "you have a nice situation down there. Good work"

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the blowjob coupons I gave you for your birthday are NOT transferable to pay your friends for tacos.

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(440): View more from Ohio

She swung at the pinata with crutches

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(216): View more from Ohio

I cant do that to my vagina yet. its my prize posession.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Duuuude. Everything is so brilliant right now. This frosting is freaking orgasmic.

(847): View more from Illinois

It's vanilla, man. Accept no substitutes. There are so many t's in that word.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Can you explain to me the broken disco ball in my front yard?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

NEW RULE: NO INNAPROPRIATE CHOICES THAT INVOLVE GUNS. I LIKE IT. WRITE THAT DOWN.

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

She said to bring taco sauce. Hoping that's a euphemism.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Sorry girl, my dick is like a rollercoaster. You only get a picture after you ride

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(908): View more from New Jersey

At the ER. Dropped bottle lead to cut foot which led to me drunk hitting on doctors. Not going well.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you called me in the middle of the night, wandering the streets, in search of "the ultimate burrito"

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Amazing. Super drunk. We stole a street sign in a golf cart and went around jousting trash cans all night.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The last thing I said to him last night before telling him he couldn't give me a kiss goodnight was pointing at his dick then at me and saying "this isn't working out"

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(845): View more from New York

3 months til "no sober october" start prepping now. i cant have you bitch out on me halfway through like last year.

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(229): View more from Georgia

No it's ok. I made friends with the guy that always wears helmets to the bar. His name is helmet Harry

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

My brain says no but my pants say off.

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(248): View more from Michigan

dats a huuuuuge bitch!

(773): View more from Illinois

who is this????

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(480): View more from Arizona

I had to brake up with him.

(602): View more from Arizona

In my experience drinking helps.

(480): View more from Arizona

You dont want to know why?

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. I want to drink.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Even though he is humpbacked he is really good in bed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a foot massage while her friend rode me. Your gf puked into the oscolating fan. How were our nites alike?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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(317): View more from Indiana

you blew your rape whistle in his face every time he got near a girl till he left the party...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So High I just made Cadbury Coffee. I don't know what it is yet, but it involves Cadbury Eggs and coffee.

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(514): View more from Quebec

just so you know, the whole club saw your tits last night. and booed.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

The dingo escaped by eating a hole through my screen door. It's loose in the city somewhere.

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(847): View more from Illinois

2011 senior yearbook drinking game. we're taking a shot whenever some dumbass uses that quote about how life isn't isn't about the breaths you take, but the moments that take your breath away. also that retarded wayne gretzky one about missing shots you don't take.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(314): View more from Missouri

Most awkward sex ever...

(314): View more from Missouri

And im texting you in the middle.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am unfriending an ex-one night stand because his profile picture is of his wife's ultrasound.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I am at a bar watching a rat tail get braided.

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(281): View more from Texas

Hey. Did u tell any1 that I use Nuvaring?

(281): View more from Texas

Cuz 1 of ur bf's frat bros just asked me if I wanted to "play ring toss later"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Kelly, is this rhetorical, or sarcastic? You are very kind & quite beautiful, but we never really evolved into anything & your prevailing ambivalence spoke more than words ever could.

(773): View more from Illinois

"We" really do not exist-if we ever did. Both of us may have been hoping for more than was possible.

(773): View more from Illinois

I would enjoy sitting down to talk about the dissolution, but think it may end up being counter productive.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ever have a poop and think... that has no business coming out of a human? Like it looks like a sick dog's or a ferral animal's?

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(805): View more from California

Dude?? where did you go after Wildcats last night? Last I heard you went off with one of the girls we danced with?

(1-805): View more from California

Negative - This is his GF, Bobby is in Jail for a DUI. Thanks for the info.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He just referred to his foreskin as a snuggie. Help.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I was about to go down on her and her dong flopped out and hit me in the chin. This may have a Nam like post-traumatic-stress-disorder effect on me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

but fathers day is next sunday

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

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(304): View more from West Virginia

1.) where are you? 2.) you making meatballs? 3.) Meatballs for sex?

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(+61): View more from Australia

He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(937): View more from Ohio

She just sucked the buffalo sauce out of my beard. I've never been so disgusted and hard in my life.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i can't watch a movie tonight dude, im smoking weed

(787): View more from Puerto Rico

you smoke with your eyes?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I went out in a blaze of glory. I failed the field sobriety test by saying ABCD FUCK YOU.

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(914): View more from New York

omg so im topless lying on my bed and i forgot my nail clippers are on my bed and i just leaned forward and the nail clipper closed. on my nipple. ouch

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(901): View more from Tennessee

After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

You bit the bartender when he refused to poor rum in your purse and hand you a straw.

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(845): View more from New York

There's some drunk girl alone in the field, she looks like she could use some help.

(845): View more from New York

Also it's only fair that you know that that girl is me.

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(713): View more from Texas

Dad's drunk, trying to hook me up with a 43yo, and keeps saying one and done. Mom is on the verge of tears and disowning us. You missed a good birthday dinner.

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(716): View more from New York

she was masturbating to a video of herself masturbaing. She's a keeper

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lets just fuck. We'll decide if it was makeup or breakup sex after.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some rando is vomiting profusely into the garden outside the employee entrance. Where are you when things like this happen to me?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Vomiting outside the employee entrance

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(613): View more from Ontario

Apparently I whispered "Jesus was here" and bailed out of the moving taxi.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i just peed with my friends in your backyard... do you still live here

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(859): View more from Kentucky

No, I don't not want an upside down piggyback ride. You're drunk and there are rocks.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Remember...the emancipation proclimation is your favorite document, you love asian women, japanese food is the tits, and you willfully employ as many latinos as possible...

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(905): View more from Ontario

It's like you are the superhero of getting jizzed on

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(905): View more from Ontario

They call it the Collection Couch because all 4 room mates have slept with at least 3 different girls on it. He tried to seal the deal with "would you like to be number 14?"

(905): View more from Ontario

And sadly I did.

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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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(318): View more from Louisiana

As I was climbing out of the pool he slapped my ass and said 'stay golden', i don't know why but it felt right.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She looks like a junkie muppet...awful

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(435): View more from Utah

he turned down sex AND sandwiches. who the hell does that?!

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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(587): View more from Alberta

The forest. Magic mushrooms. Wind trees leaves sky. That is alll.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

His ankle bracelet went off in the middle of sex. That makes a girl reevaluate her life...

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(757): View more from Virginia

sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I unwillingly was the ball between four hungry hippos last night. I thought the one chick was actually going to eat me

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(856): View more from New Jersey

my self respect just called, its having a good time without me

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(209): View more from California

update: the house isnt on fire anymore, but he is still pissing on all your stuff.

(1-209): View more from California

the house was on fire??

(209): View more from California

shit I thought I told you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Your mouth is God's brothel.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

you know what sucks? talking to chicks you dont want to have sex with

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

i feel like i'm a professional at blowjobs i can deep throat an entire spatula

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't care what we do tonight, as long as it makes me forget that my boyfriend just told me he likes taking it up the ass from big guys dressed as construction workers

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(260): View more from Indiana

His little brother just walked in, asked me if I'd blown his brother yet and then announced that he and his friends were going to play outside so we could play too.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew it was gonna be a rough night when the guys next to us at Relay for Life started shot gunning beers and yelling "This ones for all the hot chicks that went bald because of cancer". It kinda went downhill from there....

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(805): View more from California

I told her she can't come to our bonfire because she throws up on herself & she has a mustache. And now apparently I'm a bitch or something.

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(503): View more from Oregon

We don't have a lot of plans besides weed and cake

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(517): View more from Michigan

well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.

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(253): View more from Washington

Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i had to sit with a fan pointed directly to my vag for a good 10 minutes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(863): View more from Florida

I almost got away with it until she smelled beer on the stroller.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Using that mug my little cousin painted for me as an ashtray for my weed...at least next time he asks me if I'm using it I can say yes

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(315): View more from New York

Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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(440): View more from Ohio

i just shoved 27 marshmallows in my mouth

(330): View more from Ohio

well thats a nice change of pace from what you normally put in your mouth

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(512): View more from Texas

Almost ran you over in the parking lot. You look good

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(248): View more from Michigan

we have pet lesbian snakes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow me showing up to/breaking into her house only to find I was a week early for the party became a night of weed cookies and sex.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Oh my god. My pre-date bowl for nerves tuned into "I'm too high for this date" he kept talking about trucks and I couldn't stop making racial slurs.

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(925): View more from California

she gave me her number. found out it was already stored in my phone as "bathroom blowjob"

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(940): View more from Texas

he needs to hurry and make his mind up... i mean i can't keep getting peed on by a guy who isn't even my boyfriend

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(+61): View more from Australia

She started ignoring us once we told her we were out to celebrate your abortion. Who knew strippers could be judgemental?

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(425): View more from Washington

Call me when your ready for an explanation about the ham in your vagina.

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(949): View more from California

went to the gyno and found out that i have a birthmark on my clit. its like god gave guys a little help when it comes to getting me off.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just masturbated into a dress sock. I feel fancy

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He was like a foghorn with a huge penis.

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(407): View more from Florida

I feel like I've wasted too many painkillers on hangovers

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(661): View more from California

u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom

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(410): View more from Maryland

i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.

(443): View more from Maryland

do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I literally just wielded a katana to save a child's life. What did you do today?

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(706): View more from Georgia

It's like salsa. But with balls in it. I like to call it balsa

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fuck 8am classes

(330): View more from Ohio

Dear Jesus I'm gonna throw up through my eyes

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(914): View more from New York

Have u Seen that eharmony commercial where the guy goes " I don't know how I could love her anymore, but tomorrow I will'. Yeah that guy should kill himself

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(917): View more from New York City

she said "lets play dickbreaker!" and then threw my blackberry at my dick as hard as she could.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude, I fucked her last night with nothing but my bandana on. Like straight Indian chief style.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again

(443): View more from Maryland

I hate when that happens

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(619): View more from California

Was just told that I was slipped 2 hits of acid in my in flight drink before takeoff. 8 hours to Germany wish me luck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(972): View more from Texas

I'm so disappointed in myself I can actually taste it.

(214): View more from Texas

Does it taste like semen?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I told her you were a premature ejaculator. She nodded and said "Really? Wow, how long's he been a Pilot for?"

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you are both the best and worst wingman ever.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Great parenting moment: noticing your kid is going to puke from gorging fish sticks and sending her outside. Then watching her puke on your dog.

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(214): View more from Texas

The more I stare at her and block out what she's actually saying with thoughts of what she could be saying, the more interested I become

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(714): View more from California

We haven't even started dating yet but I already decided I'm going to cheat on her

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(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

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(772): View more from Florida

He is juggling broken glass botttles, I think its time to cut him off...

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(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(818): View more from California

I hate you but I'm not in hate with you

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

guy just got out of the car at the drive in and told his girlfriend "fuck you and your taco" and walked off

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(541): View more from Oregon

Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

hey, its the girl who gave you a bloody nose and paid you back with a blow job. have you seen my shoes?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Please tell me why there is some girl tied to our toilet?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

You walked in, sat down, looked at the waiter and said, "I'm only having deserts and liquor."

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(937): View more from Ohio

And dont tell me its his job to cockblock me just because he's my boyfriend.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

its official. the only way for my hair to look good is to blow somebody

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

His kisses tasted like beef jerky and captain morgan. I'm pretty sure I came before he even took my clothes off.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

At least my fat-chick-ratio has not been that bad this semester ...

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Fucking plugged the shower with taquitos I just threw up.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.

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(573): View more from Missouri

the parents are super pissed...made eye contact with the mom while going down on another girl

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(207): View more from Maine

I just brought the toaster out onto the porch to light a cigarette, don't talk to me about being desperate.

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(940): View more from Texas

An there's a little girl across the bar eating Mac n cheese... #1 she won't stop looking at me. Boo bitch I'm drinking alone. #2 I'm about to tackle her ass for that Mac n cheese.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Yeah well I used to see how many bud lights I could slam down during the pledge of allegiance, my record was 4, but I could do better now.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I walked down to the adult beverage store and got two bottles of jim beam and s shooter of crwon black label because we didn't have any Tylenol

(256): View more from Alabama

Fuck that must be a crazy sunburn.

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(972): View more from Texas

Remember the time we were in the hospital and I wanted to steel the arm restraints and use them as sex toys?? Oh college memories....

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(813): View more from Florida

I found out why they kept calling her "CD". It was short for "Crab Dip". You're fucked.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Our whole friendship has just been time foreshadowing my dick in your mouth.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

we got 12 live crabs and then we got really stoned and know we're playing with the crabs. thats nom watermellon nom. now i'm plaing with a crap whos such a gentleman

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We literally played a game called pass the child which consisted of us shitfaced tossing the 5 year old birthday boy at each other

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Sooo just headbutted a stripper, meet you outside

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(614): View more from Ohio

I think they called the cops after 15 minutes of you shaking their clothes line like the ultimate warrior and calling out hulk hogan

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You know, there is no convenient place for your beer when you are on shrooms taking a shower.

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(716): View more from New York

I'll be accepting presents in the forms of drinks, drugs, and orgasms. So any or all of those will be fine.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never thought I would say this but I have to clean queso off my vibrator

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(573): View more from Missouri

Even when you're not here I still manage to get pad thai in my vagina

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(440): View more from Ohio

im trying to stop thinking of him and his amazing dick. every time i do i snap myself with a rubber band. classical conditioning at its finest...and you said i wouldnt learn anything from psychology.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

and you will have a crown and it will be made of penises and all will bow before you and your glorious penis crown

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(925): View more from California

After we fucked he shhhh'd me and said your welcome

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(407): View more from Florida

I assumed she put out when I heard her friend call her "dickbutt"

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(217): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which one did it but one of them fucked the kink out of my neck

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(410): View more from Maryland

We're not even buying beer. Just vodka. In pre-retrospect this was a bad idea but we're doing it anyway

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just got a blowjob on the pier where my great-grandfather entered America.

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(703): View more from Virginia

that beer fried lasagna last night was sooo good

(1-703): View more from Virginia

that wasnt beer fried lasagna, you just poured beer on my lasagna

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(404): View more from Georgia

Was awful. Wedding photos taken by a river with used syringes floating past. Had to ask the bride to put down a can of rum to have her photo taken.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I know I should be focused on nurturing their bright little minds but it's 10 a.m. and I need a cock in my mouth

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(518): View more from New York

one of them held the wheel while the other one changed her pants. while driving. on the thruway. what

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(256): View more from Alabama

I don't know what you're talking about. I just drank beer out of my own bellybutton by doing a backbend and letting it run down my body.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Don't mean to be rude. But did you, by any chance, cut down a tree from my neighbors backyard last night? And did you also drag it to my yard and burn it?

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(816): View more from Missouri

i promise the blood crusted on your tits is from him motorboating you after he tripped into the pool stick. nothing else.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I traded my shirt for vodka. I wonder if my parents can pinpoint where they went wrong raising me.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm not sure if it was sex or spear fishing. He goes in for it like he's crash landing a rocket

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hid drinks in her bathroom closet.... like a squirrel... a squirrel who knew she was going to get cut off soon

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The girl I was getting head from just called my dick an anteater...I hate my parents for not cutting my cock tip off.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He sat on a barstool and did the robot for 3 hours - I'm pretty sure he enjoyed himself.

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(706): View more from Georgia

hitting rock bottom=girl fakes converting to christianity in order to get out of having sex with you.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The doctor asked me what height I fell from to hurt my back.. I answered keg height

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(618): View more from Illinois

It took him longer to remove his skinny jeans than it did for him to finish. I didn't even have time to realize it sucked until it was already over.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(408): View more from California

his mom walked in, looked at me, sighed n nsaid 'when are u gonna learn' n walked out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream

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(845): View more from New York

forget your mom, you can see her anytime. A one night stand only happens ONE night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

(914): View more from New York

please be gone before i get back

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(512): View more from Texas

She def said "you had your chance!" after telling me she had a boyfriend. Like a pile of dogshit lecturing me on how I missed out on having itself stuck to the bottom of my shoe.

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(909): View more from California

You know you love balls. Don't act all "I-Don't-Love-Balls-ish"

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(213): View more from California

Gonna be late. Someone jumped in front of our train.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Its piss that you smell... I borrowed that shirt last week. Sooo, wanna grab some laundry soap on your way home? And good luck on your date.

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(727): View more from Florida

and everything will be beautiful and nothing will hurt and we will eat nachos

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(928): View more from Arizona

Im only pretending to be his friend so I can sleep with his girlfriend.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Memorial weekend is going to be amazeballs. Jungle juice, drunk guys, and my vagina being stimulated by the vibrations of a 4 wheeler. I mean there is no way that can go wrong.

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(519): View more from Ontario

What color are my eyes?

(1-519): View more from Ontario

Ummmm... 34 C?

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(281): View more from Texas

Cocaine Wednesdays have to stop turning into no work Thursday

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(585): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure getting a blow job behind a bar in Rome while her little sister is throwing up in a dumpster not 5 feet away, gives entirely new meaning to the phrase "When in Rome"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(361): View more from Texas

After a certain blood-alcohol level, the dog is in charge.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(281): View more from Texas

okay. this is james and youre probably never ever gonna see me again unless i really really really want some pussy. sorry.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm drinking with 3 chicks and 1 gay dude. 100% chance I'm getting laid and 75% chance I'll enjoy it.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(305): View more from Florida

I need to start cutting my cocaine with Plan B

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he said he wanted to butter my pancake. i thought it was sexual, but he went downstairs and made pancakes. i need to stop dating fat guys.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Turned in a paper today on drug abuse. Chose to write about percocet. Just realized I started 2 sentences with "This amazing drug"

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(303): View more from Colorado

He puts stickers to promote his new shirt company in every sack he sells. He's like the donald trump of weed

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(510): View more from California

They should really pass out barf bags in church

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(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(805): View more from California

NEWSFLASH - my freind is drunk and admitted that he hates having sex with dogs. should i help him or let him be??

(805): View more from California

He also left me a wonderful voice mail..... and is now asking me where the planters peanut guy is.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably go find him.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know its only noon but, Im too drunk to hold this baby...

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm watching ellen!

(1-615): View more from Tennessee

just because im gay does not mean you need to notify me every time you watch the ellen degeneres show

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(972): View more from Texas

Dude you can sell sperm for 100 to 250 bucks a time. And the best part is there will be kids all over the world that will have me as a daddy. It's like I'm jerking off my way into ruling the world

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(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that you're back together are you gonna tell him you set his stuff on fire?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel so shallow. people in iran are using twitter to write hardcore nathan hale shit about dying for freedom. my last tweet was "i hate the taco shits"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

The cops caught them pow wowing in the teepee at the entrance of the golf course at 5 am. But were still missing someone.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i'm about to rub a glazed donut on my face just so it feels like you're here

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(219): View more from Indiana

Used my jumper cables as a bottle opener last night. Really pleased with my problem solving skills.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Don't blame me for eating all the ham.. I gave it out to people, so at most I'm guilty of ham distribution

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(859): View more from Kentucky

how thoroughly do i need to sanitize the cone the vet put around my dog's neck for it to be safe to use as a beer bong?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

She spent a lot of time to get her cleavage to look that good. It would be rude not to stare. It shows you are paying attention. Chicks dig that.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(480): View more from Arizona

ive come to realize my hair is a lot like my vagina. i put a bunch of shit in it with no result

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry I kept calling you a pussy... but to be fair, you were being a pussy.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(207): View more from Maine

I'm gonna have to fantasize about her dying just to get off.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Whiskey shot with bacon bits, our version of Goldschlager WE ARE TRYIN IT.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Hey bring in backup. its going to take a lot more beer than we think to fill up the water bed...

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(954): View more from Florida

I know it was you that I fucked last night... I can smell my disappointment all over the sheets

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She told me that when she orgasms she just lays there like that baby from teenmom. Who the fuck says that

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(561): View more from Florida

She called picking up at 2pm a matinee drug deal.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I managed to throw up 90 feet under water, just removed my breathing tube, puked, put it back in. All inclusive is the way to go.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im beginning to think that if I ever write an autobiography it will have to be mostly fill in the blank.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

walking through the french quarter. a homeless guy just offered me a pigeon. gotta love new orleans.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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(212): View more from New York

i hate this light. i wouldnt even hook up with me in this light

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(678): View more from Georgia

I have got to lose weight!! Apparently no one wants to fuck a fat chick with herpes.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

All I remember is yelling at him to admit he liked Bon Jovi, then accusing him of giving love a bad name.

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(940): View more from Texas

we do all of our sexting over chat on words with friends, so my boyfriend doesn't know about it when he looks at my texts.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Reason #84 I'm on my way to becoming a crazy cat lady: I called the police last night because I heard a noise and the cats were acting funny like they were trying to tell me something. The 3rd time the dispatcher repeated "the cats are acting funny?" I yelled and told her to have an officer ask the cats what happened.

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(310): View more from California

Hey its the Filipino guy from last night. I just wanted to say sorry my friend bled all over your driveway. Great party though.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(914): View more from New York

Last night I had a dream we played Uno and had sex. You won at Uno, but you lost at sex.

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(310): View more from California

I'm like a warm blanket that has sex with you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If we went to a costume party as Batman and Robin I would go as Robin, that's how much you mean to me

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Remember when the only STD we had to worry about were hickies? Those were the days

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Don't be a dummy cum on the tummy. Make her a slut, and cum in her butt. Have no fear, jizz in her ear. Don't be a noob, cum on her boob. Forget her rack, blow on her back. Just take off your coat and jizz in her throat. And if she seals off her holes, cum in her rolls

(763): View more from Minnesota

is that a poem?!

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(607): View more from New York

Encyclopedia Brown and the case of the missing condom.

(1-607): View more from New York

I hope Brown isn't a clue to its whereabouts.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

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(650): View more from California

ppl dont tell me stories about anal. apparently im not a tell-me-stories-about-anal kind of person

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Job is the problem. Drinking, the solution.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just walked in on my older brother getting a bj. He told the girl to "keep going" and then attempted to high five me

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(706): View more from Georgia

he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Ever have a day where u just waNna wake up get a blow job eat food and chill I just want today to be that day

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...

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(928): View more from Arizona

She wouldn't stop saying her own name. Like a damn pokemon.

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(408): View more from California

Just made a pepperoni sandwich with cheese, mayo, and pickles. Poverty is like pot, without the happy feeling.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

some girl had on jean underwear. i hate america.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

dude this girl next to me farted in the middle of a quiz and denied my high five

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

bitch

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So not only just find my adoption papers that I didnt know about in my parents house, but they say "child shows some signs of mental retardation".

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(727): View more from Florida

I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm allowed to be upset. I've never had that many fingers in my ass

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no i had to finish in the bathroom to a pic of her mom in a bikini.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just spent 30 minutes cleaning out my coleman grill. Did you really have to have grilled yogurt?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Im in your car brotha dog. Its was unlocked, so im gonna sleep in it. well i mean i think its your car be your car.

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(248): View more from Michigan

he came in the shower with me...i thought it was going to be nice and romantic...until he started peeing on my leg.

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(904): View more from Florida

Ever find yourself wondering if your life is God's way of telling a joke?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Repeat the weekend mantra. "I like boys with teeth, I need boys with teeth, I deserve boys with teeth, I will have boys with teeth".

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just picture a dyson vacuum with razor blades. That's how it felt.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I apologize for getting really drunk, taking off my shirt, bitching someone out, crying, and breaking something at your party next weekend...

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(517): View more from Michigan

These shoes are like walking on sunshine and labias. So soft and squishy

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(318): View more from Louisiana

why is allison so mad at me??

(469): View more from Texas

me and her walked into dans and you yelled "hello my dear alli, you're looking mighty overweight today!".

(318): View more from Louisiana

crap..

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(850): View more from Florida

The solution to mudbutt is never ever Clorox wipes. It stings soooooooo bad.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm about two and a half drinks away from gay.

(713): View more from Texas

I'm coming over.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Do you think it'd be inappropriate to have an I'm Not Keeping My Baby Party the day after her baby shower?

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(518): View more from New York

I'm hoping he'll tell everyone how great in bed I am. Well, how great in bathroom floor I am.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just found out they make medicinal lollipops, bought like 40 of them. Gonna go fill a pediatricians lollipop bowl.

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(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

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(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

super hot butfun

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Oops. What a difference a comma and a space make.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

That girl would be great looking if she lost 1000 pounds and cut off her head.

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(716): View more from New York

I could tell by the way he was holding my hand that he really liked you

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(209): View more from California

it's not gay if you rub your penis between their butt cheeks and pretend they are tits

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(720): View more from Colorado

I have so many mobile devices now, I only use my laptop for porn.

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(972): View more from Texas

i haven't been laid since the bush administration. it's frustrating.

(817): View more from Texas

Some advice for success: 1) Go ugly early, it saves you time and money; 2) If you can't pork a princess, pound a pig for practice; and 3) Beauty is only a light switch away.

(972): View more from Texas

ur like the dr phil of bizarro world.

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(914): View more from New York

Down at Ground Zero right now. So many people here. It's the most patriotic game of grabass Ive ever seen.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

life lesson learned today: sleeping pills and laxatives don't mix.

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(440): View more from Ohio

eric is really sick so I'm taking care of him! :(

(1-440): View more from Ohio

just blow him with soup in your mouth.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(443): View more from Maryland

So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(661): View more from California

so many types of cookies right now. i'm eating four kinds of cookies that i've made into larger cookie sandwiches. too high. whoa.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

im pretty sure while i was fucking her my dog was fucking her dog too

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(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

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(317): View more from Indiana

A kid in my class brought a George Foreman and cooked food mid lecture. When the prof found out, all the kid did was ask if he wanted some.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know who the girl crying at my kitchen table eating gravy from the KFC container is, but I feel like she could be my soulmate

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(970): View more from Colorado

Drinking non-alcoholic beer is like going down on your cousin.

(970): View more from Colorado

Sure it tastes the same, but it ain't right.

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(716): View more from New York

i think the fact that he graduated high school the year i graduated elementary school is sexy.

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(646): View more from New York

I may not go down in history, but i will definitely go down on your little sister.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

so then you were screaming "GIVE ME KELVINS!" and heating things up in the microwave and no one knew what you wanted

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(702): View more from Nevada

Wearing the BK Crown on the throne while dropping the kids off at the pool? Yes, one of my life's goals. Win

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(805): View more from California

Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

organizing the empties. That sober.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

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(571): View more from Virginia

he quoted cool runnings while we were having sex: feel the rythm,feel the rhyme, get on up, its bobsled time

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(406): View more from Montana

Dude michael jackson died, guess he's not 'stayin aliveee' any longer.

(1-406): View more from Montana

Uh dude that wasn't a michael jackson song it was the BGs

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'd rather watch my mom take a shit while reading the sunday new york times than watch mama mia .

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(334): View more from Alabama

after we finished he farted and said 'i've been holding that one in'

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If Billy Mays did an infomercial on your dick, it still wouldn't get you laid.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wasn't on board with that statement until "home made dinosaurs"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you rubbed the head of my dick and said "I shall call you Squishy and you shall be mine and you shall be my Squishy."

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(256): View more from Alabama

We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.

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(650): View more from California

Red Bull/Vodka? You bet I'm showing everyone my penis tonight.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Do you remember calling yourself Captain Cockblock and openly giving out everyones sexual history? Because you did.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just shot my load on a stink bug. Thought you should know.

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(951): View more from California

better question... why wasnt i wearing a cape the previous 20 years of my life???

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(940): View more from Texas

just watched an entire episode so you think you can dance for head. so wasn't worth it

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst ten minutes of my life, it's was like trying to put a marshmallow in a piggy bank....

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(440): View more from Ohio

My professor just used the phrase "balls deep in your mind". My day is officially made.

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(661): View more from California

Kirsten Dunst is sitting next to me in a bar in NYC

(831): View more from California

Tell her I want my money back for Elizabethtown.

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(021): View more from

Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

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(847): View more from Illinois

So im going to watch Hocus Pocus in my footie pajamas... How am I in college?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I have big tits. Rules don't apply to me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.

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(512): View more from Texas

Hey on the reals though tomorrow if i take you out to lunch as just a friend will you also suck my cock as just a friend?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeah but my nose is so stuffed if I tried to give him head I'd suffocate

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

you know you made out with my sister while holding Ur girlfriends hand while she was puking in the toilet right

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(931): View more from Tennessee

How dare she call you insensitive. Should have told her about the time you let that girl in the wheelchair wearing the sombrero blow you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm just sayin. Is it sad that I spent my last dollar on a hamburger just to get a paper bag to huff out of?

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(239): View more from Florida

When I told my mom I was having a rough time, she responded with "pop a xanax, take a nap, and when you wake up all will be right with the world." My mom is finally starting to shape up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You better have your party panties on Saturday!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

Why only Saturday?

(205): View more from Alabama

Well I have an AA meeting Sat morning so I'm going to try to take it easy Fri.

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(415): View more from California

did we hook up?

(925): View more from California

no, because you kept repeating "itty bitty titties" when i took off my shirt

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(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I guess so. I don't really give a fuck. I think I'm going to jerk off really loudly tonight just to keep them on their toes

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(954): View more from Florida

Saved 180 Bucks tonight. Pulled my own tooth. More money to party with.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

when im bored during the day i often think, what do people who dont get high do with their day.. i came to the conlcusion that everyone must be getting high

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(510): View more from California

Have invented new cocktail. Any flavor of crystal light and vodka. I call it "I am going to die alone"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

All I really need to know is how to say "where is the bathroom" and "I don't take it in the butt anymore". I think that will suffice.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

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(731): View more from Tennessee

What's the protocol when you drive the girl's head into the wall during sex and she starts to cry?

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(415): View more from California

It's because you were crossfaded. And because drinks were 3 dollars. And because they accepted credit cards.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(916): View more from California

nope im down the street in my car watching the front of her house. its actually less creepy than it sounds

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(847): View more from Illinois

That girl that gave me a blowjob, I think I fired her last year.

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(417): View more from Missouri

how was ur day?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

this is strictly sexting don't make small talk.

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(614): View more from Ohio

And im sorry for wishing your girlfriend gets genital warts.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(269): View more from Michigan

Today as a vday present for myself I am walking in between any couples I see on campus.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Wow, t9 really hates the phrase "slap her in her sanctimonious pie-hole."

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(810): View more from Michigan

so I think I'm done having sex with her, she's way too crazy

(734): View more from Michigan

what about the blowjobs for adderall?

(810): View more from Michigan

no those are still okay

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(443): View more from Maryland

Does having sex in the men's bathroom on the boardwalk count as having sex on the beach?

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(510): View more from California

I think I speak chipmunk. Odd.

(702): View more from Nevada

Are you high?

(510): View more from California

No. That's why it's odd

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(228): View more from Mississippi

you are not perverted enough for this relationship to work out.

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(801): View more from Utah

She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

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(315): View more from New York

mid blow job she looked up and said "we aren't even facebook friends!"

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(512): View more from Texas

Currently standing on top of my parents leather couch with no pants on playing helicoptor with my penis. You?

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(540): View more from Virginia

just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south

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(712): View more from Iowa

You should dream of me :)

(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to dream of single life.

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(516): View more from New York

if that dog is afraid of alcohol then he's no dog of mine

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you gave the police officer your chanel wallet and said 'just keep it the i.d. is fake too'.

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(512): View more from Texas

I didn't know what to do with her so I just tied her to a bench.

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(435): View more from Utah

He wasn't there when I woke up so I left him a heart shaped line before I left.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?

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(213): View more from California

Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

So..he puked on my dress and I had to walk back to the dorms in his little sisters Scooby Doo pajamas.

(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know you.

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(970): View more from Colorado

dude. you ripped the mardi gras beads off the girls neck and yelled she didnt deserve them..

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He passed out. Woke up long enough to declare himself "the sauce boss" and then bit me in the face.

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(801): View more from Utah

He doesn't need to speak English. He needs to speak sex.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

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(631): View more from New York

After I gave him a handjob for a half an hour he told me I should be a taxidermist. I'm gonna take it as a compliment.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked in on my sister drunkenly sobbing to sarah mclachlan. its time for an intervention.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

didn't that happen to you last weekend?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

shut up.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

so, the parking garage attendent caught us humping in the car. long story short, we have free parking whenever we want! take that abstinence.

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(541): View more from Oregon

dude your girlfriend loves you alot..she yelled your name lastnight in bed

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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(520): View more from Arizona

If I were a boy, I'd name my penis Reptar.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you think thats bad? Today I had to pop a zit on my sack.

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(915): View more from Texas

Saw a guy pass out and hit his head on a urinal. Laughing too hard to help him up

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(510): View more from California

I expect to be treated like a lady. Even If your sticking it in my ass.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm really tired of your booty call eating my fruity pebbles.

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(406): View more from Montana

apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...

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(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You are the worst substitute drug dealer ever

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pretty sure even her dog was surprised when I got that blow job.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he told me my vagina was like a beautiful piece of salami

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(801): View more from Utah

He kept moaning America instead of Erica while fucking me.

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(415): View more from California

I have bruises covered in glitter and someone just asked me if I realized I'm bleeding from both ears. This is awkward.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Say something like you want him to fuck you behind a McDonald's. Guys secretly love weird shit like that.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I always figured rock bottom would've involved more hookers

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just invented taco cereal.

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(702): View more from Nevada

they just started filling water ballons with vodka.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

on my way.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

just peed on the 7/11 floor and casually left. Omg so drunk

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(817): View more from Texas

My Pizza Lunchables won't fit in the fridge because of all your alcohol. One of our addictions has to give.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I was masturbating with the shower head and someone flushed the other toilet. Pretty sure I have 3rd degree burns on my clit.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

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(325): View more from Texas

I have your dog in a headlock. Se wants my mushrooms.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember middle school health class where we used to say that when we lost our vcards we would be on the pill, using a condom, and have had our partners tested first? We were so optimistic.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i dont care how hungover you are, go back to the frat house and get him. HE IS 11.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

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(513): View more from Ohio

This whole night would have been avoided if the liquor store had air heads

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(662): View more from Mississippi

He walked into my room in the middle of the night, whispered something about the patriot act, and took my tv.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

In these economic times, linking arms taking tequilla shots with your boss as an underage girl is the best job security I can think of

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

This is even worse then that time I fucked a guy just because he had air conditioning.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(386): View more from Florida

I wanna passion pit in your ass

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(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Turns out you can't chew it over with twix in real life

(541): View more from Oregon

Dude I've never seen anyone get slapped that hard

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got done shaving my balls. You were right.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

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(423): View more from Tennessee

His blow is so strong I threw up. Buy it. I'm in nursing school I know what I'm talking about.

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(818): View more from California

Your "OraGel will numb anything" theory was the worst thing I ever believed in.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You screamed at all of us and then showed us your sack. You're like the boyfriend of my dreams.

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(207): View more from Maine

No, not at all. Pulling a condom out of your vag at 2pm is NOTHING like finding $10 in your winter coat. Stop trying to make me feel better.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

There is a 15" subwoofer mounted inside our fridge. I've never been more proud of myself.

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(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had a guy present me his prison release form this morning as id

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(805): View more from California

there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Lesson learned. Never get fingered on an airplane.

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(816): View more from Missouri

She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He called his prostate his "boner button".

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(214): View more from Texas

Apparently I have a urinal in my bedroom

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(407): View more from Florida

Laziness has reached now heights if you too unmotivated to buy pot

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(804): View more from Virginia

don't worry dude, we didn't fuck on your bed out of respect for you

(1-804): View more from Virginia

couldn't find a condom?

(804): View more from Virginia

basically

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm glad you talked me out of that flying penis tattoo.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i want tt clbm rinabw nd ride uncrn

(952): View more from Minnesota

what?

(612): View more from Minnesota

i wnt tto climb a rainboww and ride a unicornnnnnnnnn

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I think we should go ahead and pin a note to my shirt when we go out that says"do NOT buy me shots"

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

On the back we can put possible side effects may include: indiscriminate making out, brief crying spells, yelling in jibberish, and sudden sleep.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(713): View more from Texas

I think jizz is working it's way to becoming my number 1 food source.

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(708): View more from Illinois

you are my new fav person for making him do the walk of shame in pink footie pajamas!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

FYI I'm about to upload a vid of you to facebook of you screaming "SNACK ATTACK" and throwing cheetos at everyone playing pong...

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(619): View more from California

It's just a matter of time. The ball is in my court. Soon to be in her mouth.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

ALTON JUST DID GRAVY SHOTS. THIS IS WHY HE'S MY HERO

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(714): View more from California

there is a strobe light in my taxi. in what way is this safe.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

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(719): View more from Colorado

Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This Xanax laced vodka tonic will help me forget that all these spring breakers are all young enough to have been my students.

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(415): View more from California

He started crying and showing me pictures of his ex. she was really pretty. It's an honor to have shared a penis with her.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Peeing in public by noon, this is not a good indicator for the day.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Just found cake in my bra, debating if I should eat it

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(313): View more from Michigan

I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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(213): View more from California

the sex was "jacking off to playboy" bad.

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(512): View more from Texas

I pooped in a mop bucket.

(1-512): View more from Texas

WTF???

(512): View more from Texas

Their employee restroom was locked what kind of customer service is that

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(708): View more from Illinois

Tall, dark & handsome can suck my short, pale & awkward dick.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(517): View more from Michigan

Yeah but he's impersonating a gargoyle jumping off of everything. Including the walls.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm telling lies about you to make you look like a good person

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The walk of shame is far, far worse on crutches.

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(510): View more from California

my mom just informed me my dog smells like cum

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(804): View more from Virginia

the power's out. i'm smoking weed by flashlight

(1-804): View more from Virginia

i wish i was dedicated to anything like you are to weed

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made everyone at my party download the vuvuzela app for iPhone, the neighbors absolutely HATE us

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(520): View more from Arizona

she was seriously choking and the whole time all he kept saying was "that's what she said"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

things that need to be invented #43: vodka that also acts as birth control.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm so turned on right now it's fucking stupid. I hate burger king commercials

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(206): View more from Washington

I got date raped at Sigma Chi last night!

(253): View more from Washington

Dude, you never made it to Chi last night. You fell into a tree and passed out.

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(214): View more from Texas

What do you think it is?

(615): View more from Tennessee

It's a boy. I know it. She always manages to have a cock inside her somehow.

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(818): View more from California

remember the used condom we threw behind my bed? my mom found it and is accusing me and making a big deal out of it,

(702): View more from Nevada

Haha! You pissed me off, so I actually told her to go look behind your bed. Good thing I moved to Nevada, so your dad can't kick my ass. Good luck bitch.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

have you ever wondered what it would feel like to stick those coneheads in your vaj

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

omg every time its on

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(207): View more from Maine

FUCK YOU CALIFORNIA. YOU DO NOTHING RIGHT. FIRST PROP 8 AND NOW THIS.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Just when I thought this night couldn't get any worse, my dad sang and dedicated Sexual Healing to me at kareoke night.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

My mom's crying. That means it must be Christmas.

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(519): View more from Ontario

We all need desperate help. Maybe we should just become a group of people who walk around town and shit in peoples air vents

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I'm down.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres a turtle on the table. helping me eat my ramon noodles.

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(302): View more from Delaware

some 7 year old just told me his favorite rapper was eminem and kim got what she deserved...god damn today's youth is in a dark period

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

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(206): View more from Washington

In case you were wondering, transporting lube in a ziploc bag is just as bad of an idea as it sounds.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i drank out of a bidet.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

So I just tried to wake him up with a blow job and he literally touched the top of my head and said snooze button

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nice meating you last night

(843): View more from South Carolina

Not a typo

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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(619): View more from California

I think I kinda wanna bone that ginger from Harry Potter.

(1-619): View more from California

You literally just made my flesh crawl.

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(281): View more from Texas

I honestly didn't see the problem playing beer pong In the car on the road trip home.

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(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

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(305): View more from Florida

does it count as cheating if I'm bettering him for his girlfriend?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I haven't seen Daniella all day...are you sure she was safe going home with that guy?

(408): View more from California

oh don't worry! i asked him if he was a rapist. he said no

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(305): View more from Florida

If a girl is wearing Ed Hardy from head to toe, does that make her a douchebagette?

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(027): View more from

I'm half bulimic - I binge but forget to purge

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants 0. Shit 1.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Actions speak louder than words. Her actions scream crazy.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(817): View more from Texas

besides im still about 80% sure that im eskimo brothers with jerry springer

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I wonder who the first pervert was, and if he would be proud of me for advancing his art form by so much

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Does getting a boner while watching the celtic women sing opera on ETV make me cultured?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

So i banged this chick from Peru last night. Needless to say, I'm having chipotle for lunch todayas a south American reward to honor her.

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(219): View more from Indiana

community service is like the breakfast club... except we're all the criminal.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

as he pulled out he yelled "no kids!" and then passed out on top of me

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought an airhorn. Bad things will happen.

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(443): View more from Maryland

and i'm pretty sure he drank the lava lamp

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(601): View more from Mississippi

It was the first time I had seen his penis when it wasnt hard. It just looked so vulnerable and a little bit depressed.

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you bang a chick other than your girlfriend while playing tiger woods on xbox I wonder if an accomplishment would come up...

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(817): View more from Texas

You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

She's been divorced three times and use to raise cock fighters. Of course I'm interested in her

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(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

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(817): View more from Texas

Apparently every Tri-Delt knows what I did and I am blacklisted from ever dating anyone in that house.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well ya you lied, told her you cared, took her virginity and then broke up with her at Christies Toy Box.

(817): View more from Texas

I honestly thought the dildo was a nice parting gift.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(314): View more from Missouri

My right nipple has been called many things but never a ghost pig

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(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do fat girls all have such cute faces?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

God wants them to get laid too.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(585): View more from New York

This fat girl in front of me just got on the bus to go 2 blocks. Do you think she ever wonders why shes fat?

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(805): View more from California

Of course, you get to fuck all night while I'm stuck in the girls bathroom sucking a limp dick for coke

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(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Scored tix to flower show. Do we want to go drunk on Saturday or hungover on Sunday? Only two options.

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(440): View more from Ohio

oh so you have enough money for the third eye blind concert but not enough for the morning after pill?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(818): View more from California

what about "I will fuck you for a jamba juice" do you not understand?

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(815): View more from Illinois

Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night

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(925): View more from California

it's my fault, I passed out instead of getting up to pee.

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(937): View more from Ohio

love makes seman taste better

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the entire lecture hall sighed when the prof announced that there will be an exam on 4/20

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(941): View more from Florida

Fell in the ditch running from the pizza guy I stole the pizza from. If you are still at my house come find me, pretty sure I need stitches.

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(416): View more from Ontario

She STILL went home with me even when I said yes when she asked if I had an infectious disease. Turns out she asked if I had an infectious spirit...well she has my infectious spirit now

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(386): View more from Florida

Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

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(973): View more from New Jersey

If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari

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(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

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(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Im starting to realize why people dont masturbate while driving

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just sold weed to a guy holding a baby...does this make me a bad person?

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(805): View more from California

before i could say "i'm not that kind of girl", i was.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

The arresting officer told me "you probably get this a lot, but you look like anthony kiedis".

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(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Her boobs looked like leather oven mitts. No more cougar hunting for awhile.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i dont need a football game to get drunk and yell at my tv

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dude, just got a bummer.

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

What??

(502): View more from Kentucky

A blow job from a homeless chick.

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She left me with blue balls so I jerked off on her french toast in the morning.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he made me scream out "#24" while we fucked...no more football players

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(914): View more from New York

I faked an abortion last night.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Using the ceiling fan to slice the hotdogs in mid-air can only be contributed to our liberal use of 1800.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(707): View more from California

someone needs to make a hangover cure that isn't cocaine.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

respond to me or i'm telling everyone that you inserted a vodka soaked tampon into your anus

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(210): View more from Texas

"Worlds Wildest Videos" should be called "Crazy White People"

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(646): View more from New York

he just put it in my mouth and said "go"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Awkward is getting caught beating off in the company bathroom...

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(928): View more from Arizona

i really did not know you could catch crabs from a sofa until now

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(618): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, you're better at taking it in than ass than she is...

(301): View more from Maryland

Well...yeah actually, that does make me feel better

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(602): View more from Arizona

how was that guy you hooked up with?

(415): View more from California

i used to think blowing a .05 was a good thing

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(256): View more from Alabama

I could see myself reflected in his wedding band as i was going down on him.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't think we should have started that trash fire

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(336): View more from North Carolina

well thats why i like him. because he makes you happy. on the other hand i think he masturbates too much while texting you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

If you want her to think you're a true humanitarian, you may want to stop referring to Hands Across America as "the Ghostbusters 2 of fund raisers."

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yes give me all the cream and he's gone

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(703): View more from Virginia

I specifically asked you not to be slutty tonight.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Note to self: when drunk try to remember that ctrl, alt and dance doesnt exist on a keyboard.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

hey, sorry about all the butter. I thought it was gonna help.

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(516): View more from New York

Before you become official, we should get a hotel room and fuck our brains out. Sort of like a going away party for your penis.

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(954): View more from Florida

STOP CALLING ME LADY CHLAMYDIA

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(818): View more from California

I don't want to talk about it. He was like the Little Engine that couldn't get me off.

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(785): View more from Kansas

So, how do I go about conveying: I'm sorry, yet very glad she is having my abortion. Via text msg?

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(305): View more from Florida

If God's watching us, we might as well be entertaining

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Driving with balloons in your car is more annoying than that bubble fart that doesn't leave your ass after your previous fart.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Hooking up with him would mean my type has officially become... drug dealer.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(818): View more from California

Home, forcing the cats to make out. Someone should get some.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

BLOW JOB GIRL IS IN WALMART

(601): View more from Mississippi

Some people actually refer to her as Kaitlyn you know.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Shitting during a conference call is so empowering.

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's more exciting when they aren't single....and even better when you have to pretend that you just slept with their roommate while trying to do the walk a shame as their girlfriend comes marching into the apt.

(1-765): View more from Indiana

Im not the least bit jealous of the life you lead.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

the only good thing about these hospital visits are the free pregnancy tests

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(303): View more from Colorado

I need to hang out with girls who make more mistakes

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(810): View more from Michigan

we are going to smoke at least three blunts before we go see Cloudy with a chance of meatballs. I'm going to have my mom make us spaghetti for when we get out so can your mom make those spicy meatballs? I thought I'd give you 9 days notice so everything's perfect.

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(210): View more from Texas

cant go down on her man, her vagoo reminds me of a face hugger from aliens

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(518): View more from New York

Dude I wish you were here. I'm innthe back seat and it looks like outer space and everything feels like rice. idk. wtf.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Petting the cat and listening to "you've got a friend". This is why I smoke weed. To make sense of situations like this.

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Nope, didn't see her. We left when you told us you were going to make the " big beef burrito supreme" even more supreme and you took your dick out.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just saw a policeman use his lights to go through a red light only to turn them off and go to Sonic...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've crashed the car, it's a write off. The police are here and I'm dressesd as a crayon.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

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(347): View more from New York

alright she left, finally time to fart up the room

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(661): View more from California

I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

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(917): View more from New York City

I left him a voicemail saying i went through with the abortion and he texts me back one thing... the bbm "phew" face. really?

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(530): View more from California

Theres an amvulance here. It might be for me

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I want to know him. He looks like he makes really good breakfast burritos.

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(312): View more from Illinois

The bottle I was drinking out of splintered on the bottom, there was glass in my hand, I pulled it out with my teeth... Not the best night for Drunk Kevin

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Well you really should've thought of that before you painted your walls the same color as your toilet

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

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(510): View more from California

listening to the two girls in the next stall finish a 40 and laugh at this guy they both fucked. they're calling him 'tulip dick'.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When the tupperware hit the highway it was like a vomit bomb

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(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(650): View more from California

my mom just found my bong and asked what it was. I told her it was a hookah

(415): View more from California

and she bought it?!?

(650): View more from California

yeah...but her friends at work told her hookah was fun and now she wants to smoke it with me...im thinkin yes

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(325): View more from Texas

Her parents came home early, i had to hug her mom with a condom on...

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(914): View more from New York

i just saw someone crawling up the stairs to the dorm while screaming "i have the best vagina!"

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I fucking hate vegan toaster pastries. You don't fuck with poptarts. It's like baseball...it's the backbone of american sport and you don't change it. Poptarts are the backbone of american fatasses and you don't just go changing them.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Apparently I masturbate in my sleep now.

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(914): View more from New York

Im eating ham and mustard naked, watching south park, but its totally cool cuz the paper plate is covering my nuts

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(718): View more from New York

you kept yelling 'bird cage' in between songs and finally the lead singer stopped to ask if you meant 'free bird' and you said 'fuck you, i'm not gay', needless to say you were kindly escorted out

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(248): View more from Michigan

if you like me you must not know who I am

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(904): View more from Florida

masturbating while the coffee brews is the new power nap

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I asked him how he was going to celebrate tomorrow and he said "tits, clits, and bong hits"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I accidentally asked my mom for a blowjob because 'mom' and 'molly' are next to each other in my address book.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

you called her butter tits and then threw up in your cup. i dont know if theres any way to come back from that

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Some dude gave me a questioning look as I came out of the women's toilet. I just responded 'blowjob' and he understood, then shook my hand.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Im listening to a jazz version of dick in a box.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Yeah someone just put a trash bag that says "use protection" on the snow penis

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(210): View more from Texas

OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

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(205): View more from Alabama

I couldn't accept the bj. My penis has done nothing wrong and didn't deserve the punishment of her face.

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(513): View more from Ohio

u know u need to get laid when watching mike wazowskis gf from monsters inc makes u horny

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(217): View more from Illinois

just bought a coffee grinder that advertiesed spacious grinding chamber...new nickname for my bedroom?

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(937): View more from Ohio

He yelled IN THE FACE!! while cumming on my face.

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(210): View more from Texas

My dad hugged me and said I love u. I'm glad I didn't pull out that night.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(864): View more from South Carolina

we've reached the level in our friendship where i don't think he would rape me

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(678): View more from Georgia

This guy just came in and told me how he bought a clock for his cat so his cat can know when he's coming home...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sorry for calling you a whore in front of your mom. World cup brings the worst out of me.

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(650): View more from California

my vag is singing 'hurts so good' by john mellencamp

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(630): View more from Illinois

i would rim the shit out of meg ryan

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(319): View more from Iowa

Had a student tell me he misses the old Four Loko. He's in 7th grade. No one is allowed to claim I started drinking too young ever again.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He told her, Don't talk. Just sit there so I can imagine that you have the kind of personality I wish you had.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Good news: he out-ran the campus police. Bad news: they were chasing him toward the REAL police.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Today the house voted to defund Planned Parenthood but to continue funding NASCAR. I fucking hate everything.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, you cant keep using "she roofied me" as an excuse to bang all these fat chicks

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(210): View more from Texas

Hey it's Austin.

(254): View more from Texas

I am not drunk enough for this conversation.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

we should wear snuggies to the strip club

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Omg!!!! Call me in the morning I just saw A stripper queef out a dollar

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Blowing lines off from the book where the wild things are... bad babysitter?

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(913): View more from Kansas

i think its awesome that according to your mom i'm your friend that caught on fire.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Do you think Capital One would let me put the Tub Girl picture on my Capital One card?

(847): View more from Illinois

Beat you to it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Our dealer is pledging my frat. When he come to sell me weed I make him take out the garbage.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well if my looks don't work with her I'll eat the 50 nuggets to impress her fat roommate.

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(913): View more from Kansas

she pulled the sheets over her head to blow me but the static kept making little lightning bolts and I was too high and got really scared she was going to electrocute me.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was officially considered the drunkest person in cuba when the bartender at the swim up bar made me wear a life jacket for 'safety purposes'

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(616): View more from Michigan

they pretty much knew i was there to get drunk and fuck their daughter

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(514): View more from Quebec

maybe next time you'll take an ex boyfriend warning you that she's batshit crazy as a warning instead of a challenge

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(407): View more from Florida

I gave the naked guy in the hotel hall a pop tart. He stopped crying.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You admitted to me in secrecy that you want to jerk off a unicorn.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Clearly I understand physics better when I'm on cocaine

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm having one of those days where I just want to lay in bed and beat off all day

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I wish we could go back in time and find our best farts ever

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(310): View more from California

it's too hot outside to masturbate.

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(425): View more from Washington

If you can't find your cat in the morning it's cause i put him in the laundry basket and then put the laundry basket in the shower.

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(708): View more from Illinois

she fell through a window trying to flash someone

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(915): View more from Texas

do you think theyll let us bring mariachis to the strip club?

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(360): View more from Washington

Going to the hospital for stitches on my balls. Mom walked in on me manscaping with an electric razor. Tell NOBODY.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".

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(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

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(738): View more from

I can't remember much about walking home last night. I think I kicked a dog.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Somehow she slept thru the vacuuming, people walking in and out, and the sound of constant beer bottles hitting the trash, but when someone said weed in a regular volume of voice she startled awake.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Omg calling you in 10 to update you on who I peed on last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was handcuffed to a girl for half-an-hour. And I'm still the only one in the house who didn't get laid.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Turns out getting tied up to two door handles and forced to repeatedly cum is actually a really good ab workout.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(613): View more from Ontario

Yo I tried to get u stoned for ur dreams by blowing weed smoke in ur face while u slept. Ur welcome.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i chased bacardi with meat sauce last night

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(727): View more from Florida

there has got to be a maximum amount of semen a person can take in before they get some kind of poisoning.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

My fuck buddy took time out of his date with his girlfriend to text me happy Valentines Day.

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(630): View more from Illinois

we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same

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(316): View more from Kansas

I seriously just found a rose petal in my vagina.

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(816): View more from Missouri

And the best part is that she's coming home to find that I completely shaved her dog.

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(520): View more from Arizona

The trip involved octopus tentacles coming from the little holes in my TV's speakers. The beauty of the nonexistant symbolism had me in tears.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

We fed your dog hot wings then gave it some Bud light to drink. You're right. Dogs are fun.

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(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

What's the appropriate I've been inside you but we're not technically dating valentines present?

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(650): View more from California

She used to be a real nice person. Now she's just a dick sucking machine

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(530): View more from California

She tried to escape and she fell and hit the door. She's gunna freak when she wakes up with only half a tooth.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Found crayons in my cigarette pack. I can't help but feel you may be responcible.

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(727): View more from Florida

There was blood everywhere. She was pretty good looking person though.

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(206): View more from Washington

..She then engaged in what she called an "interpretive pole dance"

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(636): View more from Missouri

She had the hiccups when she was giving me head. It was actually pretty awesome

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(503): View more from Oregon

i'm using salt from the free peanuts to stop the bleeding.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Its official. Girls from Indiana do not give rim jobs.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Is it sad that I just used my electrical knowledge to not only fix but improve my vibrator?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

do not give him the "i just had sex cake" i repeat DO NOT give him the cake. things didn't go well

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(702): View more from Nevada

You were throwing ham at people telling them you were the sandwhich fairy

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

His roommate just snorted a line of Smirnoff off the desk. I could really fit in here.

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(914): View more from New York

I cant yet im literally covered in lube but I will later

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(+65): View more from

No. No, there is no forgiveness for this. The only way I'm forgiving you for this is if you somehow convince your sister to have sex with me. In her car.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(260): View more from Indiana

did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

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(208): View more from Idaho

I just watched a guy pee from a second floor window onto the line of 100 people waiting to get in.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(226): View more from Ontario

We probably shouldn't have forced that guys cat to drink the grey goose while we were doing lines in his bathroom

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

you know the rule: 3 consecutive asian hookups makes you an asian fetish guy, no exceptions

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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(254): View more from Texas

He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(+61): View more from Australia

Upperdeckered the toilet. Took sombrero off, drawing too much heat. Witnessed glassing. In bush, come findme.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel eeeverything like there's a rhythm and everything can be felt w/o ever touching it. And it's beautiful. Sunshine or raindrops it's like orgasming. Everything has a taste.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(443): View more from Maryland

The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Don't be offended. I can't even stand sleeping next to my dildo after I'm done, let alone a whole person.

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(806): View more from Texas

I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.

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(707): View more from California

then my gynecologist said "its like opening up buried treasure"

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night I wanted to download a Busta Rhymes album.

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(310): View more from California

My last google search was "mavis beacon techs tping" Thank god google auto corrects bc otherwise i wouldn't know that i drunk-type 13 words a minute.

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(631): View more from New York

Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...

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(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

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(419): View more from Ohio

fyi, she knows we call her the sperm bank. watch your back.

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(559): View more from California

I know I'm her Sunday school teacher. I just feel I would be saving others from a lot of headaches by telling her someday she's going to be a stripper

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(408): View more from California

he grabbed my head and said "you are a horse. I am leading you to water" pushed it down and whispered "Drink."

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

have you seen my purse? i cant find it and my ipod is in there and that shit totally cost more than my abortion.

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(912): View more from Georgia

This girl in the gym has an amazing body...too bad there's no workout routine for a face.

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(561): View more from Florida

We're facebook friends in real life

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(856): View more from New Jersey

smoking a cig and getting head on the last night of my cruise. and she doesn't mind that i'm texting you right now. this is now on my list of top 10 nights of my life.

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(734): View more from Michigan

you jizzed all over me and yelled "makeover"

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(503): View more from Oregon

He's totally hot and awesome. And he's a Democrat

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Good, so he won't mind when you kill the baby.

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(408): View more from California

Why is there not a 'day after acid' genre. Or even a pandora station or something.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

whoa...plan B gets you drunker quicker.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I've never had a man I enjoyed more than steak

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(630): View more from Illinois

Planet Earth isn't gonna get stoned and watch itself.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

mom took my condoms, found one in the trash the next day

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I know she was great

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(773): View more from Illinois

I am going to be in the room whjen you have your first child and spit on its face before its even all the way out of you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I just sat on my labia. Can I borrow some scotch tape?

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(702): View more from Nevada

shouldn't i get a discount if shes pregnant?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sometimes, in the course of human events, people get lit on fire.

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(512): View more from Texas

in retrospect, i probably shouldn't have referred to his dick as "travel size"

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(650): View more from California

I was looking at some smoking pipes on amazon the other day and realized that work people could look at my history and do a drug test. So I immediately started looking at Sherlock Holmes hats.

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(894): View more from

just stole 2 cases of forties from some freshman in the woods by pretending to be a cop. that ten dollar spotlight is really turning a profit

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A letter to the campus apologizing for being sucha cunt with a picture of her head on it. All posted around campus.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(503): View more from Oregon

if you don't go out with us, what are you gonna do? you're gonna go home and watch biodome and masturbate to texts from your east coast boyfriend and see the facebook pictures from the party when you wake up.

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(925): View more from California

we hooked up on one of my student's desks last night...i can't decide if i'm ashamed or massively proud of myself

(707): View more from California

dude you teach first grade wtf

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(260): View more from Indiana

Do you think he likes his girlfriend's moustache?

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(845): View more from New York

Im at a strip club, and the dancer just farted into my face. The bad part about that is I could taste the wings I bought her earlier

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(817): View more from Texas

Thong +tight pants =hungry butt. Not a good look on big women! Walmart sucks.

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(912): View more from Georgia

His foreplay reminded me too much of breastfeeding.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She was sucking his dick at Seacrets outside bar in front of all of us...her friends kept coming over crying and yelling "Tiffany stop it"

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(813): View more from Florida

he pushed my hair back because he said it made me look like kelly kapowski and he told me to call him zach

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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(973): View more from New Jersey

hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She threw up all over when she was giving me dome. Not even gonna lie, it felt really good.

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(434): View more from Virginia

So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.

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(619): View more from California

I mean, I don't even call it a hangover anymore. It's just morning.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just encountered the most annoying guy on the planet. I wanted to slap his milkshake out of his fat-boy hands while he was talking to me at the same time as slurping his liquid fat.

(1-210): View more from Texas

I love milkshakes.

(210): View more from Texas

Not the point.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Note to self: never go down on a girl first thing in the morning…its like opening a grilled cheese sandwich

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(512): View more from Texas

Fake titties should be able inflate and deflate like tires. So on Saturday you can put on your Double D hooker titties or Sunday put on your size B church tits.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm going to jail i love you

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(860): View more from Connecticut

once you have herpes you dont really care what goes in your mouth anymore.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Well the weddings in 4 days so I already got the eightball lined up and the wii fit all warmed up. Still wanna bet I wont lose 20 pounds by the wedding?

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(310): View more from California

He's 11. You dont draw dicks on 11 year olds, i dont care if he ate your lasagna

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(972): View more from Texas

The mass text at 3:12AM offering "free scrotum tastings" will have repercussions

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(207): View more from Maine

She rolled over this morning and asked "did you refer to my vagina as splash mountain last night? "

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(703): View more from Virginia

Considering the fact that you wouldn't give me my cat last night because he was "destined for broadway", yeah, I'm accusing you of stealing him

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(225): View more from Louisiana

But besides the pee thing, he sounds like a nice guy.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I mean its not the first time I passed out drunk at barnes and noble.

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(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm gonna need you to NOT let me play duck duck goose with three racoons in the middle of the street next time.

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(619): View more from California

Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

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(562): View more from California

bringing a ziploc bag full of Jim Beam to the movies may not have been the best idea.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

(810): View more from Michigan

I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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(618): View more from Illinois

No I'm not coming over. That Bob Ross drinking game is too intense.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I cleared a drunken path to my bed for you. If you hit clothes you've gone too far.

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(770): View more from Georgia

At the end of the night you handed the bartender a piece of paper with the word "VISA" written on it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Can you do me a favor and fuck someone with a car so I can get a ride home?

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i slept with him so i could steal the screens out of his sink faucets for my bowl when he went to sleep. not because he's funny.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Also, the zoloft kicked in and I can't get an erection anymore. So I'm depressed.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes I wonder how different my life would be if I didn't share a weekly margarita with my mom since i was 12

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Sorry really high. We have no lighter so we're lighting the bowl with rolled up paper towels lit by candle which also lit with a rolled up paper towel that we lit with the stove eye

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(914): View more from New York

whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I mean, I know they're ugly, but I cant turn down a birthday threesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm going to knit you a pair of furry handcuffs. And you said that knitting class was dumb.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Either he was jacking off or having a seizure next to me in bed. Either way, I was too lazy to help.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm taking her home. She just told a 90 yo woman in a packers hat to "suck her cock".

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(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

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(208): View more from Idaho

They were going around the house breaking things and screaming "Not my house!"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Two penises later: I might be straighter than I think.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He wore a Medeval Times crown while I gave him a BJ

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If a Romanian girl's marriage isn't considered legal in the US then she's fair game right?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Well he told me I'd never be a wizard, and so I responded with you'll never have a big penis. After that we both just sat there and cried.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Please know that I fully expect you to help me steal a bed if I have a bad breakup.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances

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(256): View more from Alabama

Do you know how hard it is to get cum out of a straw hat!?

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(971): View more from Oregon

eat the baked goods on the counter at your own risk... i made them while i was angry and drunk so they most likely have pubes in them

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm drunk. That wine was old. I found it behind the water heater next to the mouse poison.

(417): View more from Missouri

I can't feel my brain.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

dude you guys. You can't throw up in the recycling bin. I don't think vomit is recyclable

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(620): View more from Kansas

The pregnant Hooters waitress told me to "make good choices".

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(760): View more from California

searching my car for your cum before I have to give my grandma a ride to the airport. Thanks for this

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(937): View more from Ohio

Sending me a thank you card for letting you fuck my sister was completely inappropriate

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(309): View more from Illinois

Thanks for not waking me up before the firefighters chopped down my door

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I banged her roommate when she was gone. She came back with a chicken sandwich and a bj. Then she said " smells like my roommates vagina" I think I can get a threesome tonight

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Also I may have a condom stuck inside me, but I won`t know til I check the couch coushions.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

the last thing i remember saying is "hope you like body hair"

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(281): View more from Texas

Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal

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(847): View more from Illinois

he told me he was a chubby chaser.. then winked. i'm signing up for a gym pass as we speak

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(347): View more from New York

triple team girl just facebook chatted me. do i tell her i had a nice time?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

And then he proceeded to take my heartbeat, because apparently that tells him whether I was faking or not...

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(714): View more from California

he just sent me a pic of him naked with a bucket of margarita mix hanging off his dick

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm surprised you didn't wake up. like i literally came when he was fingering me as i was spooning with you and all you did was mumble "that's a good idea, mom" and pull the sheets away from me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

you smelled like vodka, i think that's why my grandma liked you

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(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

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(315): View more from New York

Sex with him was like teaching a two year old how to work a machine gun

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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(775): View more from Nevada

Why is the garage door in the middle of the street?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think in growing up..I've been having a hard time masterbating to fictional characters

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(707): View more from California

You know its bad when convincing your mother you were masturbating is the better alternative

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(269): View more from Michigan

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

its not that she doesnt like having sex with you, your balls just smell worst then your ass.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

WTF YOU HAVE A GIRLFRIEND?

(339): View more from Massachusetts

Oh yeah that.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

You wouldn't stop asking the hibachi cook if his knife was a hattori hanzo

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She is the perfect woman. She cooks, gives good head and doesn't care that I have a small penis.

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(804): View more from Virginia

third eye blind makes so much more sense now that i have a drug problem

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

hey did i steal that bike before or after the ball dropped, casue i might have broken my resolution already

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(828): View more from North Carolina

my resolution for 2011 is to fuck him whenever he wants it. this year I'm going above and beyond the call of booty.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't believe in a God but I'm almost positive I just shit out the devil.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Get condoms and clear your schedule for the night. I'm bringing chinese food!

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(626): View more from California

i love how people use prayer to talk shit about eachother in a 'holy' manner.

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(214): View more from Texas

ugly people sure do ruin things

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(757): View more from Virginia

high people should be assigned attendants

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(212): View more from New York

I heard you aren't going to graduate...that suck sorry bro

(630): View more from Illinois

I heard your girlfriend is trying to spread swine flu because she wants to wear one of those masks to cover up her broke ass teeth

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(765): View more from Indiana

just witnessed a squirrel raping another squirrel. i couldn't look away.

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

it was like the sexual equivalent of when Wilson fell off the raft and floated away

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(203): View more from Connecticut

wake up i wanna do it froggy style

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I hate the Packers so much, I wouldn't cheer for them if they were playing al Qaeda.

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(440): View more from Ohio

the meat mosque collapsed into the alcohol moat

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning peeing out bubbles . I smell like baby wash . What the hell happened .

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(845): View more from New York

Some asshole just brought BK into my summer class, im already high as hell, i did not need another way to not pay attention

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(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(515): View more from Iowa

there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.

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(716): View more from New York

holy crap !! There is a MIDGET FAMILY in one of my rooms today !

(1-716): View more from New York

How much trouble would you get into if you were to stomp down the hallway while loudly saying 'Fe Fi Fo Fum...'

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(518): View more from New York

when i told him i was pregnant with his baby he texted me 'congradulations'

(1-518): View more from New York

i pity the fetus.

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(716): View more from New York

Maybe if you date her you can take a dump on her

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