Texts From Last Night · thatgirlsammmm's Favorites

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thatgirlsammmm's Favorites Texts:

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(518): View more from New York

you smell like cheap hookers & chicken nuggets.

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(678): View more from Georgia

i need to un-sleep with a few of those brothers before we ever go back to that house again. i'm serious. i will not be a fraternity groupie.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

8===D

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the bat signal to come over and fuck me.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Sometimes while peeing I'll go hands free, put my arms up by my chest and make claw hands, and pretend I'm a new type of dinosaur called Dickosaurus Rex.

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(443): View more from Maryland

The smell came through my closed door. His farts are made of rendered tires, and apparently, ghosts.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just made cupcakes.... Vodka icing. Results in the morning.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm gonna eat you out with that hat on so it looks like beaker's doing it. And I'm gonna go "memememememe"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I forgive you, at least you vote. I found out my fuck buddy isn't even registered. I won't fuck a non respectable citizen.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

There is a glee sing along. It's on random and they know them all. Like, the specific glee timings and pauses. I need to leave. I need to escape

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Lost my virginity dressed as catwoman. He was dressed as batman. Glad I waited.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I never woulda thought that back in kindergarten playong kickball that'd i'd be 24 getting plastered in front of the white house and winning a kickball championship in a young adult drinking league

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(515): View more from Iowa

Some kid just stopped wherever he was walking, turned to me, and gave me a slow clap. So I'm pretty sure my walk of shame beats yours.

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(206): View more from Washington

I haven't had a normal poop since halloween, we are not mixing vodka and tequila ever again

(1-206): View more from Washington

RESPECT THE VODQUILA

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(334): View more from Alabama

Two questions. One. Where are you watching election results tomorrow? Two. Can we have Obama victory sex?

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(831): View more from California

to instagram or to not instagram the picture i took of when i shit in the urinal

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(716): View more from New York

the amount of chicks and firearms here is unnerving. this will end awesomely or at the morgue.

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(207): View more from Maine

I actually bought food at McDonald's as an apology for what I was about to do to their bathroom.

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(706): View more from Georgia

My gyno overestimated by 3 TIMES the amount of sex we have per week. First of all, he must think I'm a freak. Secondly, I think we should catch up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

THERE IS SOMEONE IN MY CAR MILKING HERSELF AND TELLING ME TO TRY IT

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just totok an inventory of my purse: 1 apple, 1 pair of underwear, 7 condoms, $18 in ones, a check with "for sexual healing" in the subject line, and a 4 oz bottle of wine.

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh! and a letter from a judge saying I got an interview. Cause that balances it out.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I love you like a cupcake loves an overweight child, very similar to the mannerisms of a whole cake but personal, and minus the commitment issues, plus just the right amount of icing; not to mention the convenience of mobility, and only a smidgen of the guilt😘

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(360): View more from Washington

Confirmed. Vegetarians give terrible head.

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(214): View more from Texas

I have a pussy blister if you wanna poke at it with a needle tomorrow...by this text i realize just how strange our relationship is, especially because you're probably excited

(1-214): View more from Texas

I think you mean your blister is filled with pus...atleast i hope

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(631): View more from New York

conclusion of the day: americans need to get on tredmills, people need to learn how to flush toliets and learn how to pee in then instead of on them, and waiters shouldnt tell their life stories to customers.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

this is a time for prayers...seriously

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

let us hold hands and pray.. sweet baby jesus please bring us some sweet sweet man loving this homecoming weekend to aid our lonely vaginas it has been a long couple of weeks amen.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Seriously you have a sixth sense. You woke up out of a nap to tell us all to check the clock and it was 4:18. You're like the spiderman of smoking weed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

why cant girls ever use the fly? why do they always have to awkwardly try to pull it over your belt?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

who the fuck tagged pancake nipples on my profile picture?

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(415): View more from California

The silhouette of his dick looked like an eagle. Amurrican.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I think they make you graduate because you get too old to go hard and become a risk. homecoming weekend wins again. fuck.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.

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(905): View more from Ontario

And as cleavage season comes to a close, so blooms a new season of yoga pants. And the people rejoiced.

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(914): View more from New York

true... I just kept thinking "THAT IS A PENIS. OMG THAT IS A PENIS. DOES HE KNOW IM STARRING? STOP LOOKING. OMG THIS IS AWKWARD. PENISSSSS"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

His dick is hereby named Charles Dickens. Will's is less cerebral. I'd like to call it Pinnacle like the vodka we drank when we hooked up, but I feel like that's a compliment it doesn't deserve.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

On the 3rd day, she mixed sangria and orange juice and saw that it was good.

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(406): View more from Montana

Screw disneyland. This military base is the happiest place on earth. Even unnatractive dudes are completely fuckable in those uniforms, im never leaving

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

She had YOLO tattooed on her ass. Like, one cheek said YO, the other said LO. Even I can't handle that level of hot mess.

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(937): View more from Ohio

BoomCity!!!

(1-937): View more from Ohio

You don't have to text me that every time you have sex. I already heard you ring the gong.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

No, your dick is problems. Anyone you fuck haunts us for the rest of the semester. If you need to get laid, I'll personally drive you out of state.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Are we really going to sext in Pokemon battle fashion?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

And then, I saw the prophecy come to fruition. It was the Dick of Destiny.

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(720): View more from Colorado

ALWAYS CAPS LOCK. IS THERE EVER A SITUATION THAT DOES NOT CALL FOR CAPS LOCK? NO.

(1-720): View more from Colorado

Sexting? Sexting in caps lock seems rather unnerving.

(720): View more from Colorado

I WANT YOUR BODY AND I WANT IT NOW.

(720): View more from Colorado

I rest my case.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was gonna be at your campus for halloween weekend, I'd dress up as the masked horny fairy and give out condoms. I'm so thoughtful.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I'm eating those little wheels of cheese and watching storage wars, this is the opposite of sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Yeah. Just jump him. Naked. Claim his dick for yourself.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's blow job season.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

THAT FUCKER WASTED TWO OF MY COLORED CONDOMS! HE DIDN'T EVEN FUCKING FINISH IN IT HE JUST SLAPPED IT ON AND WASTED IT!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I've never had goosebumps on my dick before. It was definitely not a bad feeling.

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(516): View more from New York

I feel like i just got chewed up and shit out by a ukranian midget

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude, jerking off when you're all hopped up on pre workout energy supplements has got to be the greatest thing I've ever done.

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(219): View more from Indiana

he said he'd buy me TWO burritos if I took my shirt off

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

say penis size is all related to how funny you are and then tell a feminist joke. if she laughs, you got double points, if she slaps you, she probably wasn't going to sleep with you anyway

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Shouldn't have fucked on the top bunk, I bounced so high my hair got caught in the ceiling fan and almost broke my neck.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I WILL NOURISH YOU WITH SOUP AND PENIS!!!!!! And a sandwich of your choosing.......you like turkey?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(219): View more from Indiana

Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.

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(209): View more from California

His voice is like having sex with hot chocolate and then suddenly you're pregnant.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I WILL PAPERCUT YOUR URETHRA YOU DO NOT STEAL A MANS SECOND BIG MAC

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(256): View more from Alabama

You asked him for a membership to him and his dick.

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(+61): View more from Australia

You should have hard cock pics on hand to send in the situation that you can't stop driving, pull out your cock, browse the countless pics I've sent you of my tits, get him hard and text a pic through. I mean, it's simple sexting ettiquette.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She tried to leave the threesome and I heard you yell "Hey! We don't quit at halftime!"

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(847): View more from Illinois

And I'd make him talk dirty to me. In Forrest Gump's voice.

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(530): View more from California

No, no. The rest of his everything inspires me to put his dick in my mouth

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(207): View more from Maine

It took me 3 tries to get up the front steps. They kept me motivated by waving taco bell just out of my reach. Surprisingly effective.

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just wanna be like "dude your gf's on a porn site" but i just dont know if i have the heart.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm serious. My alarm label is "BAR TABS" as motivation for me to wake up in the morning and go to work.

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(210): View more from Texas

It's like the sisterhood of the traveling vaginas over here

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(520): View more from Arizona

Quick! What do I wear on a 4 hour road trip with an older guy in the army I had pantomime sex with in a hotel a few months ago?

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(928): View more from Arizona

So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

We built a fire and had sex in the kiddie pool. Then he washed my hair

(501): View more from Arkansas

Strong work

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

It feels like my uterus is trying to crawl out of my ass wearing cleats. And yourself?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

pro-tip: weed infused snickerdoodles are far less conspicuous to eat at work than brownies. no one ever suspects the snickerdoodle.

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(703): View more from Virginia

After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"

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(719): View more from Colorado

Singing high school musical songs with an old Russian woman I met on the bus. What are you doing?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Promise me, at my funeral, you will re-enact our human sledding incident of 2011....you can use my dead body as said sled.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tell me not to purchase 500 ball pit balls and a kiddy pool

(210): View more from Texas

No

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(440): View more from Ohio

Well it's 2pm. Time for another game of "Who, What, Where". The game where you try to guess who this girl is, what happened last night, and where'd your shit go. I'm going for 1/3 today.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

That's better than I've done so far.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude just pulled his dick out and started stroking it and making s sound like cocking a shotgun....wtf was in those e pills

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(516): View more from New York

Being invited to eat tater tots at 1:30am by a rly hot girl then actually only eating tater tots is a major let down. Tasty, but still a let down

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Going through my purse trying to find money for this cab but all I keep pulling out if chicken from my burrito o ate an hour ago. Help?

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(478): View more from Georgia

Haha! I've never met his girlfriend, so my main focus will be not saying,"you're the only person in this room that doesn't know what my vagina feels like."

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I ordered a million chicken go wraps and they gave me five. Even when im drunk I can count to a million and know its not five. They fucked me.

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(432): View more from Texas

Now if u will excuse me I have to go prep my vagina for this amazing sex filled weekend I'm about to encounter

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Two words that describe last night: naked and backflips.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I made a Russian puke. I outdrank a Russian. I am unstoppable.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You didn't even properly utilize my pigtails.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think animal control just caught me smoking a bowl on the back porch. Do they have any say in this matter?? Haha

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(360): View more from Washington

So we get back to the hotel room and Tom strips off his clothes... His first sexual act as my fiance? Helicopter dick. I gave him a high five.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I texted him that I wanted to be more than fuck buddies so when I came over he gave me a punch card. He takes me I dinner every 10 fucks.

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(561): View more from Florida

Every time I there's a break up, I'm left with an animal. That's it. No more mutual pets.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The sun is gonna brush it's hairy dick across my forehead in the morning, gently whispering: "you're 4 hours late for work"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You did that scary laugh you always do when you're blacking out except she's never heard it before and though you were choking and screamed at all of us when we didn't call an ambulance

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly my hormones are sending beaming lights to every penis in the area

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

he fed me chocolate as I gave him a handjob. I felt like a princess.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

June 16th my calendar just says boobietassels....I can only assume that has to do with you

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You need to braveheart it on Monday. Blue face paint and a loin cloth screaming freedom in your front yard.

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(408): View more from California

Her desktop wallpaper is a collage of penises she fucked.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You missed me roundhouse kicking a lit glow stick out of a guy's mouth last night. You would have been proud.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Dude, it could be so much worse. That Dale kid lost a toe I think.

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(852): View more from

I gotta shower this stuff off me I'm starting to hear baby kittens in the toilet tank again..

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Why is everyone else growing up when I'm just crying, eating, and having pregnancy scares?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is this helping you get pumped up or am I going to have to send you more dick pics?

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(301): View more from Maryland

FUCK YOU. AH. FUCK BOTH OF US MORE BOOZE.

(727): View more from Florida

MAS TEQUILA.

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(928): View more from Arizona

You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

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(334): View more from Alabama

seis de mayo is my least favoite holiday because i usually spend it in bed sobbing over my poor life decisions from the night before.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just paid off my possession ticket on 4/20. Helloooo awesome.

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just had to buy plan b w/ my robotic baby from family living.. Awkward.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Im the proud new owner of the campus speed bump sign

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(254): View more from Texas

I wish I could but I can't. No beer pong or sex on a hammock...such an unproductive weekend

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(816): View more from Missouri

We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I never appreciated sexting until I went to rehab

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Just found out I own a pyramid. Fuck your good grades, I'm living in my pyramid.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He texted back and said he would hook up if he didn't have a test at 8am. It's really hard to be annoyed by how good of a student he is.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Yeah that sucks. That's why I stick to deadbeat sports management majors.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I forgot if I was chewing my gum or my tongue

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She is screaming bc she thinks you jumped out the window...please show her you just went out for a smoke

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(905): View more from Ontario

today is just not my day... it could be raining penises and I would get hit in the face by a vag

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(315): View more from New York

I'm ordering a large vanilla ice cream with rainbow sprinkles so when I vom tonight it will look like lisa frank dolphins in acid trip colors

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(818): View more from California

Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My bed is full of blood and feathers

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(775): View more from Nevada

Its official vodka lemonade jager and whiskey with coorslight is a bad combination of try to forget the work week cocktail ps bring alkaseltzer

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(360): View more from Washington

Valuable lesson learned: if you reach the point where you have to talk yourself in to finishing the last half of your beer, you shouldn't try.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Lets just say I chased with a burrito.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Bring my gorilla suit and my bong.

(844): View more from

Oh its going to be that type of weekend?

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(303): View more from Colorado

You're not on my level until you shop at Petsmart for sex accessories.

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(804): View more from Virginia

We had fun with our Indiana Jones role-playing until I whipped myself in the dick with my belt.

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(813): View more from Florida

If you wake up tomorrow and start to wonder.... Yes you did just eat mild sauce from taco bell out of the package while informatively yelling about the loss of my virginity

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(540): View more from Virginia

So I'm trying to figure out if starting the day running around the quad in a black t-shirt and bikini w/ a drawn on mustache is a good way to start the day...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

animal crackers drenched in taco bell mild sauce... surprisingly delightful

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of champions

(423): View more from Tennessee

breakfast of stoners

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(325): View more from Texas

She said she'd heard about my nickname in high school. Apparently sledgehammer isn't as popular as you'd believe...

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

YOU COME FROM SAD WHALE FAMILY, DEEP IN OCEAN!

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(801): View more from Utah

If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.

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(478): View more from Georgia

We aren't really supposed to respect our bodies til our mid twenties.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may or may not be negotiating a deal of baked goods for socks...keep you posted

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(907): View more from Alaska

This vodka tastes like I'm not going to class tomorrow.

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(734): View more from Michigan

WHO INVENTED HANGOVERS WHERE ARE MY CLOTHES

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Halfway through he got an idea for a short story so he wrote it in magic marker on my boobs. Yeah, he's a keeper.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

How bad is the voicemail?

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You graded my boobs.... C minus. Asshole.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like this is the moment of high where you have to write these texts down to remember to text them and feel that somehow this is important to the continuity of the world.

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(909): View more from California

I'm so tired of waking up with my bed full of deli meats.

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(740): View more from Ohio

do you remember when we thought we were both knocked up by the same guy like two days apart and would have half twins? Thats a best friend moment.

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(989): View more from Michigan

apparently I crawled into someone's bed and demanded they call me 'big dog' before shotgunning a beer

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

We bought a hamster while completely stoned and 2 hours later returned it because your mother wouldnt let you bring it in her house. You cried. a lot.

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(818): View more from California

It's 11am on 4/20 and I'm already in urgent care.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

His wife made me pancakes and let me borrow a clean shirt. Should I drop his class or use this to my advantage

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

And I don't know what it is about weed making me want every episode of the real housewives of everywhere

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(419): View more from Ohio

Even though he was watching you pee on his bedroom floor, you kept denying it and saying he was dreaming

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(509): View more from Washington

No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.

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(631): View more from New York

did you really just send me an instagramed dick pic?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers

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(845): View more from New York

You were force feeding yourself jello and you kept repeating, "I will not surrender"

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(904): View more from Florida

Umm... How do I tell my roommate someone shot a speargun through the wall? On a side note, cliff shot a speargun for the first time.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I don't even know if I LIKE sober sex any more.

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(585): View more from New York

Walking through campus with a grocery bag full of pot brownies. I'm like the santa claus of 4/20

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(078): View more from

Do you ever feel like a plastic bag?!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I just sold a snake to a stoned teenager.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Watching her eat just hurts me

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just keep picturing us drunk surrounded by kittens.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Rosemary is literally sitting on the ground holding on to the rug because she thinks she is going to fall if she lets go. We smoked way too much.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

We stayed up until 4:20 AM. The next thing I remember was waking up at 4 PM, like my internal alarm clock knew.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I got up before the sun today. That makes me sun for the day.

(720): View more from Colorado

When did you start smoking in order to be high by 4:30?

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(806): View more from Texas

Math equation of the day: 4 waffles + 1 bowl of weed = 1 terrific nap

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(205): View more from Alabama

Meh. People are people bro. All of us are hairless psychotic apes. Happy 420.

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(309): View more from Illinois

he was too drunk to climb up my loft. i owe my beating teen pregnancy to four pieces of steel

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(602): View more from Arizona

Dancing naked to Celine dion - im alive. No better way to start the day

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I may have just unintentionally roofied a man in a wheelchair

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(858): View more from California

WHAT IF you could get pizza delivered to you IN YOUR CAR while driving somewhere. Like moving roadside service.

(760): View more from California

You're High aren't you?

(858): View more from California

Sooooo high

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(315): View more from New York

My parents are takin me for chinese food for my 4/20 present.

(1-315): View more from New York

I fucking hate you.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I woke up and he was starring at me and then said "do you believe in miracles"?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

We had to leave after he was in the middle of the street yelling "Balls of Steeeeeeeeel!!"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Guys with values who care about your personality don't cum on your back the 2nd time they you sleep with you.

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(956): View more from Texas

Hey is there a picture of me in a trash can on your phone?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

my first words to him the next morning were "do you like magic"?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I come back upstairs and she's leaning over sink full of vomit saying 'oh my god it's the chili'

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(208): View more from Idaho

You had me at "mimosas" several texts ago.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

They got me high and left me at the mall with a giftcard for $400. I need an adult.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I found your wallet in my underwear drawer......... Don't worry I don't plan on asking any questions

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(516): View more from New York

is there a way to sugar-coat "shes in jail" when someone is texting me asking where their friend is?

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(319): View more from Iowa

Let's drink?

(1-319): View more from Iowa

Just because it's bacon vodka doesn't mean it's for breakfast.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Well my sources tell me she just happens to appear in an episode girls gone wild.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I know someone that will spend hours looking for her. He also has many of said movies. And I will do it for free!

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(210): View more from Texas

Just saw the german running around on campus. Thought of his small penis.

(936): View more from Texas

As you should.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

He asked me when I was coming to bed while simultaneously drilling a fart into the mattress. Don't fucking get married.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When I realised he had a girlfriend I just started telling them about my ex and how I write poetry about him. Which I then read to them. They just gave me pity looks and left me to finish my spliff alone.

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(818): View more from California

So I had a crappy evening so the fat girl in me says eat and cry and watch something sad. The cool girl in me says don't eat go run. So I'm watching family guy and doing crunches w a pickle in my mouth

(323): View more from California

Gross

(818): View more from California

AN ACTUAL PICKLE

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(480): View more from Arizona

I cannot start working out. If I start to look better, I'll ruin ugly women's chances forever. So, really...I'm doing them a favor...think about it.

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(+61): View more from Australia

It's that time of the week again where I begin to ponder life's great questions like, "What will my pathetic excuse for a future look like?" and "Why tacos?"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Went to an open-bar law school party and puked in front of Justice Scalia. My legal career is now complete -- I literally got judged by a U.S. Supreme Court Justice. Can't get any higher than that.

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(587): View more from Alberta

Do you think I should still be the condom fairy for Halloween even though I'll be like.. Almost 8 months pregnant?

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(210): View more from Texas

I want to break his glasses with my pelvis.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I threw up on my way to work while listening to "the good times are killing me". this award goes to modest mouse for creating the most poetic puke ever

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(646): View more from New York

In other news, someone I've had sex with won jeopardy last night.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found out it was only pneumonia. We celebrated hydrocodone cough syrup. Two long island ice teas at lunch and the random white powder we found in her purse. Mother of the year award.

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(775): View more from Nevada

you crashed our wine night double date and sat on the floor eating cheese talking about how big his dick is.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to feed him the pizza because he was too blazed to do it himself

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(519): View more from Ontario

my boss just accepted "because it's 4/20" as a legitimate reason to take Friday off

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(440): View more from Ohio

Theres a 75% chance I'm wearing a hocky mask and nothing else right now

(440): View more from Ohio

Ps I am

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(504): View more from Louisiana

if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell

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(480): View more from Arizona

In a shocking revelation, I learned that the Easter Sunday shit show happened not because of vodka but because my gay neighbor drugged me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I told you, I don't give a SHIT about their music. I JUST. WANT. TO FUCK. THE BASSIST.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

the girl peeing in the stall next to mine has really cute shoes. on a scale of 1 to restraining order, how weird would it be to compliment them from in here?

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(720): View more from Colorado

Don't ask me how, but I have a squirrel in my backpack and I don't know what to do with it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

maybe these stereotypes wouldn't come up if you would stop taking body shots off another

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Hey do you know who I showed my dick to at the bar last night?

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(914): View more from New York

I'm never waking up next to someone after sex again. It's alllll downhill from there.

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(760): View more from California

Please save me from this creative non fiction class. I just wrote a paper about how I spend unhealthy amounts of time with my cat.

(619): View more from California

I spend unhealthy amounts of time watching RuPaul's Drag Race.

(760): View more from California

I referred to the cat as amicable.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Nothing quite like coming out of an alcohol induced blackout walking down Spruill Avenue carrying a silver briefcase full of IT tools you don't know where they came from. This is my life.

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(909): View more from California

I'm okay. We got a prayer rug sent to us with the face of jesus on it. From Tulsa Oklahoma. Kinda weird.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I still smell like men's body wash from that drunken shower I took at that stranger's home last night.

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(631): View more from New York

I think this girl gave me a handjob thinking that I would help her with her cell phone bill

(1-631): View more from New York

omg. that's awesome

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(425): View more from Washington

Well you wanna do it now or later? I've had three shots and I'm listening to journey by myself. Emotionally there is no better prime time than right now.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

how exactly do you say, "i only agreed to meet you for breakfast because i thought we could go to your place and fuck afterwards."

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(714): View more from California

You might have crossed the line by jerking off while she was in the bathroom taking a prego test. Just saying

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(206): View more from Washington

Considering adding a large amount of vodka to my tomato cup-a-soup at work. Save me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(360): View more from Washington

Also yeah I would definitely have to say that one of my favorite things to do is to get high and pet cats.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Did not foresee holding down food at work today to be a struggle today

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(423): View more from Tennessee

It was kinda hard to explain to his wife why there was chocolate syrup on the ceiling.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god. I just realized something amazing. If I get pregnant with a boy, that technically means I have a penis right??????

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(910): View more from North Carolina

She's beautiful tan and skinny she will make me hate myself and that's what I need in a friend right now

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(214): View more from Texas

nothing can ever be as bad as the night i blacked out, updated my fb status to i need a pity fuck and then passed out for 13 hours.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

begin the sex magic rocket ship countdown

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(419): View more from Ohio

He's asking if he can send a dick pic. How do I politely decline that?

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(314): View more from Missouri

No more cocaine. I spent two hours in my bathroom convincing myself I was ugly. Is this what a period feels like?

(1-314): View more from Missouri

You're the worst gay friend ever.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's basically wearing those Nike boner sweatpants. It's hard not to jump him. How has your day been?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think you would be disgusted with me if you knew how many times I had imaginary sex with you today

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(323): View more from California

I got back at him the only way I knew how, by hooking up with the guy he hates from their rival fraternity.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Puked in the trees at home depot, I told everyone it was fertilizeerr

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(+93): View more from

5am, I am wayy too drunk for this. Hookers came out of nowhere. They're like ninjas. Some poor soul got the fat one, tomorrow's going to be interesting...

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I figured out why her friends always say g is for god when she leaves with someone. She wears a double g cup bra

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(206): View more from Washington

There seems no grander way to celebrate 420 than to smoke atop a mountain peak.�

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm lowering my standards just so I can get laid, but I draw the line when a guy spells cool kewl

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I tried to interpretive dance to Candy Shop to stop the awkwardness.

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(727): View more from Florida

Is buying her a loofah for my house commitment like? I don't wanna give the wrong idea

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I need right now is some mouthwash, dignity, and security camera footage...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

And by defning the relationship I mean telling him I'm gonna fuck other people but its cool If he does the same.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(509): View more from Washington

I danced on the street to dubstep on a boombox for an hour with a lesbian single mother.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Most of the bar is playing trivia I'm playing destroy a relationship in twenty questions

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just put bacon on a thin mint and enjoyed the shit out of it. I better not be fucking pregnant.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She got turned on by my fanny pack full of condoms. I can't believe you said it was a bad idea to wear it to the party.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I have a boner and a quesadilla why aren't you here

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(875): View more from

I feel like just to watch it, I need to be high. To understand it, I'd need enough drugs to kill an elephant.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Be subtle and tell lucas that he should sleep here tonight. And by subtle, i mean show him this text...

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(214): View more from Texas

you missed an awesome concert last night. some middle aged woman that was grinding on me kept trying to stick her hand down my pants. i ended up rewarding her tenacity by letting her hold onto it for a song, i think it made her night.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Middle of vacation, he walked into an audition for a Broadway musical in a drunken stupor. I think he got the part.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I believe nudity is frowned upon at that establishment

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(423): View more from Tennessee

and now i get to think about how i fulfill a gay man's harry potter fantasy. thanks for that

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(217): View more from Illinois

I sexy timed too hard and there is an ass shaped piece of a ping pong table now missing bc of it. How am I allowed to leave the house without a helmet?

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(310): View more from California

She literally got down on all fours and I swear did a 360 degrees head rotation exorcist barf...and then moaned IT WAS THE TACO BEEEELLLLLL

(310): View more from California

so no, not her best night

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Apparently i asked the cab driver how much the ride was going to cost, (he said about $25) then i offered him 50 to let me drive the cab...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So I did end up texting him last night... I asked him how he felt about haircuts... not sure where I was going with that one?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.

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(810): View more from Michigan

if you do the accent, i'll wear the eyepatch

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(562): View more from California

I had to make out with him. He bought me a few drinks and he was an Angels fan. As a Yankee fan that was my way of saying good game and sorry we beat the shit out of you

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(509): View more from Washington

Is it too early to start a donation jar for my 4th of july hospital bills?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

oh sorry. I thought "boat" was code for "penis"

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm on the struggle bus

(847): View more from Illinois

just ordered a number 1 at a fast food restaurant that doesn't have numbers

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just once, I'd like to hook up with a girl that doesn't look like she's having a near-fatal seizure when I give her an orgasm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just walked into McDonald's and a bunch of fat girls gave me a look like I just entered their territory.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

FULL ON LADY WOOD. YOU CAN SEE THE VEIN

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(310): View more from California

Idk tell her to wear something sluttty. I have that one skirt I got arrested in if she wants to borrow?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Did it work?

(918): View more from Oklahoma

Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.

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(206): View more from Washington

I think we should have realized the night was going to be nuts when it started with a bum dying in front of my house.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Things i learned at work today: do not put mayonaise on a tattoo, it will get infected.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'll be really easy to find... I'm the naked one rolling around in cats.

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(914): View more from New York

We had to leave. Dave knocked a dude out for saying yolo.

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(913): View more from Kansas

My nose hurts from that stripper beating me with her tits

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(303): View more from Colorado

accidentally stumbled into a construction site at 3am on the way home. The bulldozer was locked so we had to settle for rerouting traffic with all the orange cones...

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(941): View more from Florida

I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.

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(812): View more from Indiana

whenever he tweets that he wants to get blackout it's like a neon sign for "i want to bang you tonight"

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(314): View more from Missouri

He's only going to be gone for two weeks

(1-314): View more from Missouri

That's two months in gay whore years.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They make twin pack pregnancy tests for girls like us

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(216): View more from Ohio

every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I don't think anybody else enjoys making out with multiple guys on the same night as much as I do. I'm like a wine taster but with lips... it's like art to me. The bruise on my upper lip is proof of it

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(631): View more from New York

fat people need to stop using the handicapped bathroom stall so I can have sex in it. it's common logic

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Piecing together the sordid story from witness accounts and photographic evidence, courtesy of Fcebook. My night included Mojitos, lighting the bar on fire and declaring myself the Queen of Nerds when I stole someone's flashing tiara. Woke up this morning with a velvet cape and plastic scepter to match. Mojitos are awesome!

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I only saw you for about 5 min, but you were rambling about how not even the whiskey could make you fight the skeleton guards.

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(620): View more from Kansas

We smoked a bowl, ate popcorn, and watched her lava lamp for an hour. it was a quality bonding experience

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(406): View more from Montana

I think ur a lot drunker then u think u are. That girl has the body of a cartoon character and not in a good way.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I made Mark strip for me and do a stripper dance. I put 2 dollars in his mouth

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(353): View more from

The car just stinks of weed and we are all sitting here trying to hide it from my mom by rolling down the windows, like it's not coming off my sisters boyfriend

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Hahahaaa There's this one girl crying hysterically and wrapped around (i believe) her ex's leg. He's trying to shake her off without spilling his beer. This is fucking priceless.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd go cook him breakfast, but ended up passing out on the kitchen floor in the fetal position spooning the dog

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(859): View more from Kentucky

How external is "for external use only"?

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(847): View more from Illinois

He left npr on the whole time when we were doing it. ironic that i lost it on the 100th anniversary of the titanic. thanks michelle norris.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Call me old fashioned but i like to drunk dial a girl 2 or 3 times before sending a dick pic

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I'm not surprised. You have the libido of an Italian soccer team.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(269): View more from Michigan

Pants-less sunday? Also I'm high and independence day is making me cry

(1-269): View more from Michigan

im coming over

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(419): View more from Ohio

"drunk introduce yourself to everyone colleen" came out last night... you kept grabbing guys faces that you just met and just kept saying their names over and over and over again so you wouldn't forget.. then would see them 5 minutes later to introduce yourself again..

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(727): View more from Florida

Note to self: semen does not count as food to take medicine with

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

So aparently telling your roommate you're going to spoon them so hard in the public place of their employment is inappropriate

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I am on a roof. I'm not sure which one, or why, or how, but I am on a roof and you should come get me. I can see info classrooms!

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(845): View more from New York

I just had my first boner in 64 days today....glad to find out my fluids are still pumpin

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I ended up passing out on the shitter for like an hour with mcds smoothie all over my face

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(302): View more from Delaware

Do me a favor. Next time I think it's a good idea to take pulls from the handle, yell "FALCON PUNCH" and uppercut me in the taint. My future liver thanks you.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(734): View more from Michigan

In case you're keeping score at home, this is Brad's SECOND Doritos-related trip to the ER.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You stood outside his house all night throwing your sister's leftover Easter eggs and singing 'now you're just somebody that I used to blow'

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(765): View more from Indiana

so, she was so drunk she tried stabbing me with a corn dog stick

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He referred to his penis as "a gentle giant" and said I had offended it

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(602): View more from Arizona

hey sorry if you felt me holding your hand in the middle of the night I was actually just checking if you had a pulse

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(541): View more from Oregon

they had to hand cuff you because you wouldn't stop trying to unzip the paramedic's pants...this is why i love you

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(281): View more from Texas

NEW RULE: can't hook up with more than 50% of the groomsmen in wedding party or it becomes wrong kind of weird. NUMBERS GAME.

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(951): View more from California

Doing Jager Bombs on a Sunday morning is justified...How else is my team going to win?

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(914): View more from New York

Currently behind the bar at some asian place, pouring drinks for everyone with a snake around my neck

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off

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(626): View more from California

obviously he wasnt ready for this jelly and you can quote me on that

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(804): View more from Virginia

and ive been naked for the greater part of the evening. alone, drunk, and naked. i think that is how all great interventions start.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I am not sure which is more amazing; The fact that she offered me sex, beer AND nachos, or that she can properly use a semi-colon at her current blood alcohol level.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm a gay man planning my brothers bachelor party, and he choose someone else to be his best man. I hope they like appltinis and gay clubs. Bastard.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just hate that one day I'll have to tell our children how we met, makes me look like a gold digging whore

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(204): View more from Manitoba

God only knows how I ended up there doing crown royal shots to the titanic and insighting a bar wide shit fest when I asked the dj to play levels

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(217): View more from Illinois

Until you find your self finger banging supergirl in the middle of the dance floor while her friends are passing around for luigi mustache for a photo op, YOU HAVE NOT HIT MY LEVEL

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(323): View more from California

I mean you were pretty drunk at one point you asked if we could have a glass of water ready for you in case you choked while bobbing for apples, but you said grape juice was preferable. You can't choke on an apple btw

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(513): View more from Ohio

i just looked in the mirror i look like i'm about to film a PSA about prostitution

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(207): View more from Maine

I knew things were bad when I walked in on you feeding juice to your iPhone

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

how sketchy is it to eat a candy wrapped in masking tape from reggae night? because we totally just split it...

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(360): View more from Washington

I tried...failed..now im naked on the futon since clothes are hard.

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(949): View more from California

he was extremely fucked up- he thought my sports bra was his boxers. even when his leg wouldnt fit. at least whiskey dick wasnt a problem

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(406): View more from Montana

Last night was the first and hopefully last night I will ever sleep in a hotel bath tub. Sober mind you.

(1-406): View more from Montana

I'm not even gonna ask.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I just very easily got pretty high off of one bowl of shitty dirt weed. I'm a sad excuse for who I used to be.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm about one sudden movement away from being able to cross "throw up in a fortune 100 company's bathroom" off my bucket list.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Guess who has got hockey tickets for tonight? Only cost me road head going to and coming from the game

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(970): View more from Colorado

Now that I'm hitting my bong, I realized I haven't missed something so much in a long time. I love Thomas the Dank Engine.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I know. I told you I'm a mess. She had weird nipples. I almost lost an eye to one.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I don't know at which point last night turned terribly, terribly wrong, but it was somewhere around Motel 6, specifically the parking lot.

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(316): View more from Kansas

At one point I thought we were going to have to fuck our way out of their apartment

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(313): View more from Michigan

I may be in the process of acquiring a second male fuck buddy and dating a girl....FUCKING STOP THE TRAIN I'M ON! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!!

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(954): View more from Florida

My god. His mom just smacked my ass. Does this mean I'm accepted??

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(631): View more from New York

he told me he was a Boston Bruins fan so I took his hat into the bathroom and peed in it...I've never been a prouder Ranger fan

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(660): View more from Missouri

So I'm at the VFW tonight and the shot special here is straight 151 for 2 dollars. They must hate our livers

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(770): View more from Georgia

Why the fuck did I wake up in a chair with mouth clamps?!

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(607): View more from New York

just had a very awkward conversation with the concierge at the hotel, they threw your underwear out

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

At this point can I suggest a mail away bride. You judge Nick but you are a strange dude and that may be your ticket.

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(850): View more from Florida

My roommate took my designated hickey removing spoon out of the freezer.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He's acting like I should like him more than vodka and Taco Bell, but I just don't ser that happening.

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(347): View more from New York

Two dudes. Loud music. Dancing shirtless possibly naked. Why would I ever need cable?!

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I got us chalkboard mugs. Now whoever comes home with us can feel comfortable in the morning! I am too considerate to my one-night stands...

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(773): View more from Illinois

you were leaning up against the wall pulling your shirt up asking girls to dance on you. your courage to do that is both admirable and frightening.

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(757): View more from Virginia

and by clear my head i mean get drunk and cry myself into oblivion.

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even tell you how many rave sticks I tore apart with my teeth last night.

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(254): View more from Texas

He has a shower chair now. So he sits and watches me shower. It's kind of creepy.

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(661): View more from California

im like basted in vodka, i went tanning and it was like i was an alcoholic turkey being cooked in a locker of doom

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(303): View more from Colorado

He took the bartender's challenge and took a Jello shot with a tarantula frozen inside.

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(765): View more from Indiana

It is 9pm, let the ass parade to the bars begin

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Strip club for my birthday. And none of this discrimination shit. We're going to a guys one and girls one. Go get your singles.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down

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(804): View more from Virginia

No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just got hit on by a middle-aged puerto-rican clown who told me that it would be bad to date someone who offers to buy me coffee and makes something of themselves. I love the NY subway.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The bartender just hugged us goodnight. I think we go there too often.

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(310): View more from California

Nothing quite says Coachella like me doing high yoga in the middle of a field by myself

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(905): View more from Ontario

Pretty sure the cab driver can even smell the sex coming from between my legs

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(602): View more from Arizona

I'm sorry for biting your husband's ass last night.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So a sorority girl just introduced herself to me by saying "a guy I used to fuck just threw up on me" and then she grinded on me

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(707): View more from California

I gotta figure out which 7 tampons in the box contains the drugs

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(757): View more from Virginia

The girl that works the front desk at my gym invited me and my friend to come see her Tuesday during her shift at hooters because its her birthday. I still have a boner

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(407): View more from Florida

So I just did the math and everything in this room except the computer and my clothes has been in my vagina

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(519): View more from Ontario

currently taking a solo cab to the strip club at 1 in the morning. this is healthy.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Plus I'm pretty sure you said "love you" on the phone, so technically I should be putting you on some type of probation

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I feel like his penis would have a weird haircut because he does.

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(310): View more from California

He said he wanted to go to France " just to piss in the nice areas". I want to fuck him.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I just witnessed my first non cocain induced sunrise in five years.

(250): View more from British Columbia

Not my cup of tea

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(423): View more from Tennessee

On a totally unrelated note, captain four hour sexcapades lost it in his boxers this morning and tried to pretend it didnt happen. Lmao

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(647): View more from Ontario

well, I was going to forgive her anyway but not because shes my best friend and moreso because shes my drug dealer

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(912): View more from Georgia

That awkward moment when you can't tell what smells like tacos: you, the cat, or the strange guys blanket your so tenderly swaddled in.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not sure I just ate a really big pot brownie, I feel like my future is uncertain

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(641): View more from Iowa

Dude he fell into my wall and left an imprint then decided to have sex with the door open. Vents carry noise pretty well

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(310): View more from California

Well for starters the people who just made my burger at the grab and go just told me to "hang in there"

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(316): View more from Kansas

I forgot that I thought it would be a good idea to hairspray my toilet seat last night after I took 12 shots of vodka so when I just went to pee, I stuck to the toilet. Never drinking again.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Good news. Hiccups are gone. Bad news. I had to set the bathroom rug on fire to get rid of them. Don't come home until the fire truck leaves.

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(248): View more from Michigan

im eating mac and cheese with a makeup brush. there is wayyyyy too much wrong with this night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You started an entire relationship based only on sex and emoticons.

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(916): View more from California

I wouldn't be surprised. You and I have basically synced up our brain chemistry by doing drugs together in the same way that two girls would sync their menstrual cycles by sharing a house.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude, she gave me a handski that literally felt like she was starting a lawn mower...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he got mad becuase i made more noise when he gave me a back massage then i do when we actually have sex

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(614): View more from Ohio

Why were you staring at her like that over breakfast?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Because I was eating with a spoon to remind her that she threw up on my hand while she was MAKING me spoon with her after our drunk sex. She got it. Don't worry.

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(801): View more from Utah

When he gets asked "is it in?" more than his name you arent missing out on much more than a petite tampon.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Getting high magically turns headaches into rainbows.

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(631): View more from New York

he asked me to lick his asshole and I told him his girlfriend could do that for him

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(253): View more from Washington

I JUST WANT TO HAVE MILDLY SOCIALLY ACCEPTABLE SEX WITH HIM AND CALL HIM CUPCAKE.

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(440): View more from Ohio

im at work. we just had a random 14-year-old amish girl come in and gift us with cinnamon rolls as thanks for letting her use the bathroom. i dont even know.

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(469): View more from Texas

Also I'm very proud of th fact that I walked my dog before bed. Drunk dog walking should be an Olympic sport; it takes SKILLS.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We are stranded. Come find us. Bring an egg

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(209): View more from California

She kept talking about how amazing the banana she had yesterday was. Don't know if it was innuendo, stoned, or just a really amazing banana.

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(512): View more from Texas

He stole a bottle of grenadine from the bar. And got arrested. His new cell mate is going to love his bright red lips.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Where are you?! I require drunk, males and possibly crying. Vomiting is optional and/or optimal as is karaoke.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You dont lie about slip and slides

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(773): View more from Illinois

What's the sex policy on a school bus? Because I dibs back seat.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Sex allowed. Dress code is neon and obnoxious.

(773): View more from Illinois

We are gonna die. I wanna enforce the "no jumping out of moving vehicles" policy. And how are we gonna get a school bus through mcdonalds drive thru?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

I misunderstood what a furry was. Come pick me up.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Maybe. This hangover is made of nightmares and that thing from the Alien movies.

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(813): View more from Florida

Hey.. there are 2 people i've never met before spooning in the bathtub. Please elaborate on what went down last night.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I think making out with someone could be the cure to all my problems. That or more cowbell.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

So the first 4 hours of my morning was equivalent to seeing under water. Things were starting to get better until I remember I drank mustard for free stuff and flossed my teeth with a strand of hair from a stranger in the bathroom.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

THE CONDOM ONLY COVERS HALF OF HIS DICK I AM IN THE BATHROOM PANICKING

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(406): View more from Montana

You used up your allotted blow job minutes for the month of April last night anyways

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(647): View more from Ontario

I liked a picture of him with his pants around his ankles, if that doesn't say I'm into you, I don't know what does.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Today I'm judging my level of singleness on a scale of one to eat-a-can-of-frosting. It's not looking good for me.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

Ooooh. Get funfetti

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My lecture teach is passed out next to me. I think I'm doing pretty good for a freshman.

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(406): View more from Montana

All three of them were helicoptering their dicks to persuade me to take my thong off

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(510): View more from California

This is my transition from small talk texts to booty call texts. Coming over?

(925): View more from California

Quite the smooth talker. There in 5.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I have to stop envisioning penises as dragons.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Don't underestimate her when she starts going by "the vodka queen"

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(509): View more from Washington

As far as drugs go, alcohol has all the elegance and precision of hitting yourself in the head with a hammer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Sorry there's no emoticon for I got my period all over a guy's bed so I had to improvise. There isn't even a bed one

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(206): View more from Washington

Oh my God, that is a gorgeous man. And I wasn't even gay until five minutes ago.

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(850): View more from Florida

The same guy who pierced my nipples just told me he can help tutor me in precalc.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I never thought that it would get to the point where I would have to specify that by "hang out" I meant "fuck like rabbits." Growing up shouldn't be this way.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am going to ride along with a cop tonight so please don't get arrested because that would be super awkward for me.

(1-419): View more from Ohio

I'm out of town so we should be golden.

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(909): View more from California

This is most sickening thing I've ever seen, and I threw up my body weight in jello shots on my birthday.

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(516): View more from New York

oh, so if i go friday and she's there, you are going to be my sponsor for not banging the crazy chick

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I was out with the drag queens until 7am. This is the hangover I needed to kick my ass back to sobriety. Dear Virgin Mary, fuck my life.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Two word: claymation porn. Think about it.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

I don't think I can ever express my appreciation for the things you text me.

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(626): View more from California

I'm having mini little movies in my head. Like for example. You were talking to a blue whale with jazz man sunglasses, but not the ray charles jazz sunglass. More like sunglasses that are round. Anyway, he has a baguette and stupid french hat. And you , you had your harry potter glasses.

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(842): View more from

we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone

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(512): View more from Texas

He should get nipple rings. No homo...I actually don't think there is a way to make it non gay.

(713): View more from Texas

Yeah you should have just let that thought go.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Purse pizza: the pizza you buy before the club, and you eat on the train home. I thought you knew me by now!

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(971): View more from Oregon

He changed his profile picture to him as a baby. Definitely a turn off. This will help in my "don't-be-a-slut-endeavors"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Did you blow the guy you weren't supposed to hook up with again in the bathroom of pita pit? Cause that happened last night...

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(525): View more from

It was dark, she woke me up, gave me a blowjob and then whispered in my ear: do you know who I am?

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(240): View more from Maryland

She keeps telling me I can't keep feeding the dog my food. I gave half the weed brownie to the dog and half to me. I just want it to taste the greatness of cheezits like I am.

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(438): View more from Quebec

Should I have a moral quandary about Skyping topless with him while his son slept in the other room?

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(646): View more from New York

I've got to admit, I'm a little hesitant about giving him road head. I've seen how he drives and I've seen how he acts when I give him head. A small part of me is saying this is going to end badly.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like having peed on eachother is a point in our lives we should never have gotten to...

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(260): View more from Indiana

I'm currently looking through google images of circumsized penises and realizing how vital pre-marital sex is.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we can be functional adults and still think pizza lunchables are the shit

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I was giving a campus tour, when a drunk senior came up behind me and shouted at the group, "If Jesus ain't your homeboy - get the fuck off this campus!" Looks like his religion course is paying off...

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(802): View more from Vermont

laying on floor next to bathroom with vent on to give myself comfort and remind me that im not going deaf. what did i smoke?

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(706): View more from Georgia

Screw them and thier engaged asses. I've got liquor to drink and boys I don't know to make out with.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(815): View more from Illinois

This summer isn't about fun. We have to train our livers to survive the next four years.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just remember being happy that I got that toilet fixed so I had somewhere close to throw up

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(913): View more from Kansas

I used to be terrified of what was under your bed until I passed out there last night. Now it just feels like home.

(785): View more from Kansas

When were you at my house?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just found a piece of glass in my ear from Saturday.

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(360): View more from Washington

He came for an unexpected visit and let's just say I shattered his illusion that girls don't watch porn

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(310): View more from California

Yes stubble LOOKS hot but factor in his shitty bj skills and I might as well have jacked off with apricot scrub

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(260): View more from Indiana

Just pretend you're riding a unicorn through space. Thats how I deal with the stirrup situation at the gyno office.

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(813): View more from Florida

The landlord called, GOOD NEWS! Noise violation #2! Something about people singing and fighting with vodka bottles in the parking lot. Well done us.

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(816): View more from Missouri

she was trying to use her iTranslate app while we were having sex.

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(845): View more from New York

Make me a sandwich

(301): View more from Maryland

The day you make me feel like my detachable showerhead does I'll make you a sandwich.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm chatting with a girl missing a front tooth. I find it quite distracting. I'm sure you have deduced what bar I'm drinking in on this monday night.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Yours weakened by children. Mine weakened by a forearm sized cock for 8 years.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Target doesn't accept your signature for your credit card if you draw a dick on the pad. Even of your name is Richard.

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(714): View more from California

You told me to ditch them in the park, and when she jumped onto the car to stop us, you told me to scrape her off against a parked Jeep. That drunk.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Exact words that were just spoken as she was on her 6th, yes 6th piece of bread: "I'm only eating the soft and chewy inside of the bread-I am taking the crust home to feed my turtles"

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm convinced that college is the only place where one can have an existential crisis over what sweatpants to wear

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(775): View more from Nevada

No longer allowed at circus circus apparently fuvking in the elevator is frowned upon.

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(217): View more from Illinois

getting up at 8am to start drinking seemed like a much better idea before I had to wake up at 8am

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

He can spot Burberry from half a bar away. He's not into vag

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(830): View more from Texas

Sorry about sucking tonight. Drunk truck fucking is apparently not my strong point.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Do you know how disconcerting it is to hear the sound a dog makes while it drinks water and find out that it's someone eating you out?

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(317): View more from Indiana

They tried to convince me I broke Alex's nose. Also they stranded me on the roof.

(858): View more from California

That's what they get for locking a drunk laxer in Mitch's car.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Moment of the day: as we leave the restaurant, she reaches into my pocket, pulls out her panties, and angrily marches to her car. I felt like a sketchy magician.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I would feel bad sleeping with her unless all of her personalities were on board with it.

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(518): View more from New York

We got kicked out of the ice rink last night for drinking and checking strangers... but they let us keep the beer

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(631): View more from New York

So far, my day has been sparkling with the tears of a thousand rainbow unicorns. I'd say this is quality shit you've grown.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

dude he passed out in the strip club on his birthday, WHILE he was getting a lap dance. That drunk.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sean getting laid is an anomaly, Sean banging the hottest single girl at the wedding is a fucking unicorn being ridden by a leprechaun walking through mordor.

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(315): View more from New York

Why the hell did you smack that girls beer out of her hand at the end of the night then buy her a double jack and coke for?

(518): View more from New York

Its called bad cop laid cop.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Sorry about giving you those ripped gym shorts after my dog ate your pants, but after the awkard BJ incident I didn't plan on hearing from you again

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(702): View more from Nevada

Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

(503): View more from Oregon

You made out with EVERYBODY.

(702): View more from Nevada

Can I just bleach my life?

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(513): View more from Ohio

We had three bowls going. It was a tri-bowl tournament. Harry potter shit.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bartender just fed me brownie. Its going to be a good night

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(803): View more from South Carolina

My girlfriend is studying for the MCAT by watching The Magic Schoolbus. There go my dreams of being a househusband.

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(512): View more from Texas

scream really loud. we think you crawled under the deck

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(914): View more from New York

They conduct scientific research memoirs about what sort of shit happened last night after I ate those cookies.

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(713): View more from Texas

That gas station is used for only two things, picking up moonshine and getting murdered. Only two outcomes.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Like hey, "you just spent $135k to go to a nobody law school to drive a mini van, be a dj, live in a smalllll ass apartment that smells like cats and your girlfriend fucks other guys."

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(248): View more from Michigan

We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

It was like being fucked by the god of thunder, he gained power from the storm. I took a Plan B because I don't think regular birth control will stop Thor's sperm.

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(407): View more from Florida

Apparently he's into classy girls that wear sweaters and don't throw up on him when they go out.

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(512): View more from Texas

She straight up told me, "I don't care if he films as long as he's quiet." You sure you can't find the camera?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll never be able to have sex on these sheets. I'd have to cover up the eyes of every single Elmo.

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(310): View more from California

I just got a reminder alert on my phone for an event I titled "Bradley getting stupid high with me in bed." I assume we planned this during the party. I'm down if you are.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

how many lesbians have to have their hearts broken before they realise I am not that kind of DJ

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She just locked herself in the bedroom with an unopened bottle of wine and a steak knife. Unfortunately for her fingers, I stopped giving a fuck two hours ago.

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(512): View more from Texas

I made him say "i realize i'm cheating on my girlfriend" five times aloud before i would hook up with him. Somehow that has to lessen my bad karma

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(310): View more from California

I don't care. I'll text you about my butthole whenever I please. That's what you signed up for in this relationship.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I waxed the left side of it and was in too much pain to do the right side so my crotch looks like cruella devil

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(612): View more from Minnesota

There are eight sets of guys I've made out with who have the same name. It's like noah's ark in my mouth.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

second roommate of the year to get clamydia. go life.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Rick Santorum just suspended his campaign. Lets celebrate by watching gay pornography together.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

How did she break his doorknob?

(1+41): View more from

That was our fault. We put a chair under the doorknob so that she wouldn't wander out of his room in the middle of the night and jump into bed with her ex. But she's stronger than we thought.

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(714): View more from California

You insisted we help some homeless guy put up posters for his missing pet alligator so we left you there because they were really just Chinese takeout menus.

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(219): View more from Indiana

If you hook up with a kid and the next day he breaks up with his girlfriend, those can be seen as two completely unrelated incidents right?!

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(631): View more from New York

Whoever put the picture of my dad in the condom box is an asshole

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The basket that the Naughty Easter bunny left for you at my house might keep us entertained for a little while...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I shit you not, me and my date were in that bar and within a 10 minute window, 4 ex gf's entered. Every one clocked me and gave me evils. I swear they're conspiring.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I should start an etsy shop with all the jewelry and clothes women leave at my house

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(817): View more from Texas

No, not normal drunk. Wake up on a trampoline with a naked chick you've never seen before drunk. I think i missed my first trampoline sex...

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(214): View more from Texas

I feel like it'll be a success as long as she doesn't end up dead in a ditch. There has to be a line somewhere.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Best part of having a window in your office is that you can leave through it when you shit your pants at work.

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(801): View more from Utah

After what was supposed to be a one night stand I woke up to a message in my room wall written in marker "Kaitlin got it on in here" definitely a cock block down the road

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(313): View more from Michigan

I accidentally lit my hair on fire and we broke the bed. How was your night?

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(518): View more from New York

Our penis' have led to more networking than mark zuckerberg.

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(347): View more from New York

Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.

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(315): View more from New York

Guess who is playing his new drum set when his roommate gets home to teach her a lesson about binge drinking to the point of being taken to the emergency room?

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(313): View more from Michigan

its 4am. im standing over him in my bed eating chinese food, on the phone with dan trying to convince him to break up with his gf. whoredom.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I tell myself every day I shouldn't be friends with you

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I NEED ANOTHER LEVEL OF CAPS TO EXPRESS TO YOU THE MAGNITUDE OF MY FADDEDNESS

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Just did coke off of a cross necklace and am headed to the strip club. Happy Easter!

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(303): View more from Colorado

nothing like smoking out of your roommate's bong with your mom to celebrate the rising of christ

(1-303): View more from Colorado

he is risen halelujah

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(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Walk of shaming dressed as a zombie hunter. This hangover feels like the actual apocalypse.

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(949): View more from California

I apologize for violently hooking up with her in front of you in the jacuzzi last night.

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(707): View more from California

you're trying to get a guy who's been in a coma for 2 weeks and who thought he was in '08 yesterday to drive you to the liquor store?

(1-707): View more from California

yeah, you wanna come?

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just made a PowerPoint called "Reasons Why You Should Fuck Me" at his request. The sad thing is we've had sex before...

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(904): View more from Florida

You showed up to your dad's bday dinner late, dirty, and hungover then proceeded to yell at the bartender for trying to take advantage of you by putting extra bourbon in your drink... Highly doubt you win best daughter award.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I actually took a sword out of your hands. You were samurai slashing lemons to make chasers.

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(435): View more from Utah

Don't feel bad sweetie, you're not the only classy one in town. I'm still driving around with that tupperware of tequila in my cup holder from last week's Margarita Monday.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i like feelif swiord YOU ARE A GOD

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(217): View more from Illinois

Next sat night Titanic party. Bring your floaties, trashy necklaces, and a large lung capacity. This ship is going downnnnnnn.

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(303): View more from Colorado

doing an easter egg hunt in a liquor store right now. i feel so adult

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(251): View more from Alabama

I can feel my ovaries exploding thinking about them.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

holy shit thats the most artistic dick pic ever

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Ugh I miss culture and lesbians already

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!

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(212): View more from New York

all time personal low: room service guy going "You want french fries AND onion rings???"

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(850): View more from Florida

I woke up in a sink... Not like curled up on top of it though. I was standing, bent over, face first. IN THE DAMN SINK.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've given up for the day already. I just wanna eat cheesecake and hide from her.

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(480): View more from Arizona

In the midst of you puking your guts out, you stopped, looked at the globe in front of you and whispered "America.."

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(708): View more from Illinois

what's the appropriate greeting for someone whose bed you've had sex with someone else in?

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'll be on pinterest all night planning crafty things to do with my cats in 10 years.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Yes. I am getting trashed on an open tab while judging a karoke competition

(1-317): View more from Indiana

Impressive. I approve.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm about to sell my hamster for weed money I'll call you in a few

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(276): View more from Virginia

your cat followed me a mile away from your house. if it doesn't come back, i'm sorry, but I needed to get laid tonight.

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(719): View more from Colorado

There was definitely a significant amount of cookie dough in my bra

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(361): View more from Texas

There is a positive side to a sinus infection. Exclusively cowgirl sex. I've convinced her I'd pass out if I had to do the work.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You just squeezed a person out of you and I'm drunks at 2PM. Our lives got traded and you know it and you're jealous.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Sorry I missed your call. Have a great morning.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

That is a horrible way of saying good morning to someone. You basically reminded me that we did not hook up yesterday. It's bad enough I got to go to work all day with blue balls.

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(319): View more from Iowa

I was looking at your puke while I was peeing in it the next morning and that ceasar salad did not treat you well

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I take it we used my cleavage as a pen holder last night during the graffiti party. Looks like the colours of Crayola exploded all over my chest

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Stripper with the black hair and lip rings is still asleep. Found out she wasn't lying when she said she was a squirter, it was like splash mountain.

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(212): View more from New York

He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(845): View more from New York

I need you to do me a favor and hide my sword from me tonight. I'm planning on drinking my weight in vodka and I don't trust myself enough to not run through campus screaming "I AM SPARTA!" You'll be saving me a mugshot as well as saving some innocent girls from tears.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You were sitting in the tub, clothed, squirting my KY all over yourself. You said "it's warm." then passed out.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Sorry we couldn't "turn off the mirrors." How're you feeling today?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We're like Siamese twins, but joined at the genitals.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

High enough to ask the woman at best buy if she ever feels like she's swimming. and telling the man outside that he smells like happy juice.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The thumbs up barstamp on my hand is mocking my hangover with its positivity.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

You called to teach me about fire safety, meowed a whole bunch, said "I hope you are not on fire" and hung up.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Peeing off the roof of a motel lighting a cigar with matches and speaking fluent spanish with a chilen exchange student...how do iget into these situations?

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(904): View more from Florida

after tonight, seriously nothing could taste better than toothpaste

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

figured after she passed out and i threw up in her bed, morning sex would be pushing it.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Honestly I miss having a gay roommate. His female friends' implicit trust in him would carry over to me even though they knew Im straight. Best unintentional wingman ever.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

We're doing it in the traditional way of discussing why we dislike each other while sharing a bowl. Just like the natives do.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I pulled my bra outta my purse. Covered in honey mustard. I still lack an explanation.

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(251): View more from Alabama

why are our drunk alter egos so much more successful than us?

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(231): View more from Michigan

I totally just stopped for a booty call on the way to my parents for easter....good friday is an understatement

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had a contest with the toilet to see who could hold their breath longest.

(512): View more from Texas

I won

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(928): View more from Arizona

I don't know if it has occurred to you yet, but you are dating a nymphomaniac, and your work schedule is an interference of my needs being fulfilled. Get home now.

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(770): View more from Georgia

That would warm my breasts.

(770): View more from Georgia

In this context breast is a metaphor for soul.

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got kicked out of McDonald's because you kept screaming THAT SHIT CRAY at the woman in front of us because she ordered a fish filet.

(248): View more from Michigan

...that shit cray.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Tried to ride the mechanical bull pants less, got punched for making out with some lesbians wife, and you tipped the bartender with a can of skoal.

(1-702): View more from Nevada

I regret nothing

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(571): View more from Virginia

Is this the girl that wrote "Poon Slayer" across my chest?!

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(970): View more from Colorado

I need like a hormone stopper. Or a chastity belt. Or like a lady business alarm that goes off when I'm being too drunk.

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(406): View more from Montana

So apparently the only parts of last night I remember didn't actually happen.. When did vodka become a hallucinogen?

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We got security called on us. Apparently the wedding down the street didn't appreciate the trespassing or our loud as fuck rendition of We Are Young.

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(214): View more from Texas

COME GET ME FR THE HOSPIGAL'!!!!!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

He's socially awkward. He has a big dick. We've had this talk before, they're socially awkward because they don't leave the house they just sit home and play with it.

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(909): View more from California

You are a finance major, can I use my 529 account for your bail?

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(802): View more from Vermont

Like not in a "I wanna have sex with you way" more like a "I wanna cuddle your mustache way"

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He put crushed up bacon in the joint and now we're listening to the Matilda soundtrack I have no idea what's going on

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(248): View more from Michigan

Dude.. full face helmets and hangovers do not mix... I am never going to get rid of the smell of puke.

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(280): View more from

So last night I learned something new. Whenever I drink beer out of a bottle a random guy buys me another one. It was like as soon as the glass hit my lips every guy in a 20ft radius got a hard on.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I bruised my vagina when I was climbing out of the trash can.

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(847): View more from Illinois

a 6'8" white kid in a Lin jersey just wandered out of my gay kid brother's room. when does spring break end, again?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Alright fuck it. Alcoholic Jamie is back and here to stay.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was either the harsh truths I was divulging or the liquor..... But either way, I made mom puke

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

All i want to do is drink fuck and cry... you dont have to cater all three its more like the saddest choose your own adventure ever

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude id rather jerk off w a fist full of bee's than deal with that girl that never stops talking.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Road trip to buy me a baby zebra..are you in or are you in?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He was president of his frat and had a clap on disco ball in his room... or course I slept with him

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(248): View more from Michigan

Should i put up a tasteful banner for your party that says last chance to sleep with maya?

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(801): View more from Utah

He's probably hung over. I sure as hell am. I want to pop out my eyeballs with a fork and soak them in cold water

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(569): View more from

I woke up because a stranger was shoving an already lit bowl into my mouth. Spring break is awesome

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(613): View more from Ontario

We spent a good 10 minutes in the morning looking for my clothes. I ended up taking the bus home in my 6inch heels and his baggy t-shirt. The bus was filled with kids... one of them whistled at me.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Travis is back on this booty and burgers thing. If I'm his delivery service for food he better fuck me how I want.

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(801): View more from Utah

Seriously! We need to take her a thank you note or something. She puts up with the drugs and the extremely loud sex. She deserves a thank you card.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I just bought $54 in Easter crap to try and blend in the pregnancy test... And FYI, it totally worked.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He was having a "party in the princess castle." At what point do I blindfold him and take him to AA?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

and a jello shot exploded in my bra last night. Now I have blueberry smurfette boobs. Awesome.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Yea we slept in ur room but im 80% sure we didnt have any peanut butter in there

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm all about sex. But even I know there will be a time to retire my junk. And that will be my 40th birthday, or whenever I'm hideous

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(801): View more from Utah

Ita all starting to make sense i need vodka like i need air

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Don't smoke out front when you get home there's gasoline involved I'll tell you later

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(217): View more from Illinois

She has either a C-Section scar or a bullet wound, I can't quite tell

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(410): View more from Maryland

Is tonight a drink a little and reminisce kinda night, or a drink everything and pray kinda night?

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(314): View more from Missouri

My time here is complete. I think I have now thrown up in every major degree programs building

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(908): View more from New Jersey

P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.

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(248): View more from Michigan

The stoned girl at the dining hall just handed me a single chicken wing and insisted that she's "unable to procure more rations"

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(830): View more from Texas

Dude I walked 1.4 miles through the hotel wearing a cowboy hat, pink topped boots, gucci shades, and a scarf and met my parents in the hallway at 7 am how is this not a good start to Vegas?

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(760): View more from California

Found trail of ibuprofen on ground. I'm like the intervention version of e.t.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I'm stoned and just shared 4 cookies with this chicks dog

(989): View more from Michigan

They're raisins though so they're healthy. No worries.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I walked in on him successfully eating chips and masturbating at the same time. I don't know whether I should be ashamed or proud.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Just walked into a random hotel for the free breakfast. How was your night?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Rehydrating your liver back to life is never a good idea.

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(425): View more from Washington

Curled up in the fetal position, trying not to throw up or think about my future, and humming songs from musicals to myself. You?

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

And by sexy pictures I mean pictures of my penis in strange places. I rock out with my cock out.

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(348): View more from

I woke up with a piece of pizza duct taped too my hand and a paragraph written on my chest. Good night is say

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I owe you a thank you for last night. Only you could go up to a guy, ask if he likes my boobs, and return later to find us in a full on dance floor makeout sesh. Well played.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

We legit stopped the the game so that Jamie and I could throw up in the bushes, and then continue to play intramurals... this is what my life is coming to1

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I found a lucrative side business - giving rides home to drunk oil executives. Very profitable.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If you were a good friend you would take the nipple tassels off me before the ambulance comes.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today's forecast: A sex tornado warning has been issued in your area. Counties affected include your bed, your shower, or your couch. This warning is in effect until further notice. Signs of a sex tornado include: your girlfriend coming up with a huge analogy to inform you that she's ungodly horny today.

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(813): View more from Florida

Bathtub guy came to. He helped me roll the fat chick away from the fridge. Shower and breakfast are on. You're plan failed!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I slept with him because his girlfriend should know better than to be with him given is reputation. It was like sex and a lesson all in one.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

At some point i could of swore that you were in my bedroom riding a manatee last night..... I like my new dealer

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Traveling before 21 and traveling after 21 are two different things. There's a whole nother world of red white and blue weird out there

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(914): View more from New York

He says he won't get serious until he screws an Asian and a virgin. I should just place an ad on Craig's List

(914): View more from New York

Wanted: female 18-24 of Asian or partial Asian descent to fuck my ginger boyfriend. Must be willing and able to fake virginity. No emotional connection needed, just sex, just once. Further contact post sex not needed (or particularly desired)

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did you know that scruff feels epic on boobs especially when they are covered in whip cream?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yea there's blood all over the porch but we wont have to buy alcohol for the rest of the week

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(303): View more from Colorado

I can't take any time off so I'll be here drinking mimosas til I puke at home with my kitty

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She asked the woman in the drive through to cover everything she ordered in mayonnaise, including here chilli cheese fries. Didn't happen. Then she started swerving at the car next to us screaming, asking if they had mayonnaise.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I think the fact that I shit my pants, threw away my underwear in a frat bathroom, lost my socks down a drain in the front yard and still got laid... deserves some sort of a victory drink for myself or a blowjob for him since he was such a good sport.

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(240): View more from Maryland

She was wasted talking to my dad about the hunger games than she passed out in the shower and flooded the hotel room...

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(419): View more from Ohio

We bonded over blowjobs and stories of our childhoods. It was beautiful.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I woke up at 3am, my head in a toilet, still at the kegger, wearing a random cowboy hat.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Drinking vodka in the bathtub.... If I don't make it, I thank you for your magical parts

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

kool aid jammers and 151...our childhood has officially been corrupted.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dont make this weird.... I was wondering if I could paper mache a few of your dildos this weekend?

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(727): View more from Florida

No just sleep deprived. James woke me up at 7 and forced me to eat a hot pocket with him cause he " didn't want me to die".

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(907): View more from Alaska

Saturday evening, however, will be my vodka and bubble wrap extravaganza.

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(305): View more from Florida

Its fiiine, tuesday is like the thursday of wine wednesday. And i mean, free beer for girls at the grove...im not NOT gonna take that offer up!

(216): View more from Ohio

Look at your life. Look at your choices.

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(207): View more from Maine

making a list of all the places we've peed. separate list of places we peed when we were stoned

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(802): View more from Vermont

Whiskey and I have a long and stories tradition of excellence

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just because you graduated a semester early, doesn't mean you can take a semester off of drinking. Sorry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

This should be a warning to men everywhere: do not send pictures of your erect penis to women you hardly know - they will add cats and send them to all of their friends.

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(469): View more from Texas

Tornado booty call.. dedication

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(252): View more from North Carolina

She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

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(716): View more from New York

I got laid and laid off at a conference in long beach all on the same day

(1-716): View more from New York

Eh. They balance each other out

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(770): View more from Georgia

You know what i just remembered? I asked the 8 ball if i was gonna get kicked out this semester before any of this stuff happened and it said yes. ITS REAL.

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(207): View more from Maine

when the song champagne showers came on you poured some kids beer over his head... while giving him a lap dance

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(516): View more from New York

My Yoga instructor is playing the music from 'Requiem for a Dream' it makes me very reluctant to put my ass in the air

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(703): View more from Virginia

She had her insurance card taped to her arm because it was the only thing she "couldn't take off and lose"

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(303): View more from Colorado

well this is gonna sound really bad but we were fooling around on sandra's electrical wheelchair

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(312): View more from Illinois

my heart is telling me chinese, but my head is telling me beer.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I was fucking trucked by the swat team last night on State Street after UK won. But I got a picture with the guy afterwards so I forgive him

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I said we should get a taxi and you were waving down cars, three of which were cops and one of them slowed down and shook his head then kept driving

(301): View more from Maryland

He didn't think we needed a taxi

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(307): View more from Wyoming

My god this is going to ruin whatever Vegas left of our souls...

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(301): View more from Maryland

sorry

(304): View more from West Virginia

why?

(301): View more from Maryland

oh you didn't look in the living room yet, did you?

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(702): View more from Nevada

Man, I wish they all looked like that. Your vagina deserves to have a nice frame around it, and God's signature at the bottom.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm having Vietnam flashbacks. This Kid I hooked up with is speaking in class and I keep experiencing the terror.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just threw out a whole Christmas ham, 12 positive pregnancy tests, 3 empty vodka bottles and by ex boyfriends Latina porn collection in the same garbage bag. The homeless person who goes through the bins tonight knows I have nothing left to loose.

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(907): View more from Alaska

It was my little brother's 14th birthday today. Didn't know what to get him so I just showed him how to use incognito tabs on google chrome.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I guess, just don't make it awkward

(603): View more from New Hampshire

MY FUCK BUDDY'S MOTHER FRIEND REQUESTED ME! IT'S ALREADY AWKWARD COREY

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

The face that yo gabba gabba comes up when I'm stoned and searching for yoga workouts is scary or dangerous

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The to do list extremely baked self wrote for me last night says "1. Join gym 2. Passport? 3. Join a gym" And then just a drawing of a squid

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(303): View more from Colorado

Remember when I peed in the trash can in the ATM room last night?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Never thought I'd say this, but thank god for my blackouts.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If you end up at a gay bar on a tuesday night in steelers pjs, does that mean youve hit rock bottom?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Today is definitely a "stand over the toilet and pee through the opening at the bottom of my boxers" kind of day.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

I guess the silver lining is that having a big dick really comes in handy when you're hungover.

(919): View more from North Carolina

It's a mixed blessing.

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(205): View more from Alabama

So basically, I've just woken up in another random bed and I go to get my pants and he's wearing them. Like my underwear is in them... What the fuck is wrong with my life?

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(808): View more from Hawaii

At second job interview this week. Wearing pants to hide pole dancing bruises. This my life.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's the first time I've ever heard something that tickled both my gag reflex and my penis simultaneously.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Wouldn't it be fantastic if the corporate world cared less about about our GPA and focused more on our mastery of social drunkenness?

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(817): View more from Texas

What's worse: not calling my parents in Dallas to make sure they're alright or not taking shelter to masturbate all over my douchebag roommates clothes?

(940): View more from Texas

I worry about you.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I was stumbling so much, men walking behind us were shouting "don't hit the pole! don't hit the pole!" whenever I was near a telephone pole.

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(417): View more from Missouri

It was like the Alcoholic Olympics...double fisting fifths with eight 40s in my backpack...running from the cops in stilettos. I will have bitchin' hamstrings come Monday.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Fuck that. I will get OUT of CONTROL And rise from a hangover on Sunday like Jesus himself.

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(415): View more from California

STOP TELLING PEOPLE I PEED ON YOU

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(720): View more from Colorado

I feel like I just lived out a children's book called "The Day I Went to Law School Stoned"

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(416): View more from Toronto

i had a threesome. one of the guys used to bully me in high school too for being gay.

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(928): View more from Arizona

No. I think its because I really and truly know that he is a moron and his future prospects are zoo animals.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Yes. Be the home wrecker you've always dreamed of being.

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(214): View more from Texas

How are ur friends?

(512): View more from Texas

One is peeing in the grass and the other is asleep under the stairs. Fuck them I'm sleeping in the car

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

there is something about beer and popsicles that make the world go round

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I'm not mad at you for letting me use my air mattress as a toilet, i'm mad at you for letting me lay back down on it.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You kind of have a nervous, desperate thing going on that isn't exactly catnip for bitches

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(903): View more from Texas

So ive narrowed my options down to getting food or masturbating. Don't judge me

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(386): View more from Florida

He's minimum effort, but maximum fuck.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Did a bunch of gravity bongs and am watched hours of Frozen Planet. There is nothing in the world I want more than to hug a polar bear.

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(769): View more from Mississippi

He's a cat fanatic .. That was not in the fine print when we started fucking

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

A woman on my train just walked down the carriage in a wedding dress, crying and clutching a can of Carlsberg. Oh...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Some guy wearing a horse mask just knocked on my door and started whinnying. I opened the door and he was like, "...oh sorry, wrong room..." so awk.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Blackout me just wants to pee on sober me's dreams. Literally.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I literally just got propositioned by a sugar daddy.

(703): View more from Virginia

OUR DREAMS ARE BEING REALIZED. THIS IS NOT A DRILL.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

All I saw was a purple blob and poking out from under was part of a green shirt. Took me a minute to realize it was him under that beast.Thought I should ask if he was actually breathing and conscience but then I saw him slowly exploring what few brave men have done before.

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(208): View more from Idaho

You handed me a red solo cup filled with vodka and Bacon. You called it the salty Russian.

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(817): View more from Texas

Now that I'm born again, I'm preserving my gift.

(972): View more from Texas

Your vagina isn't a White Elephant gift. You can't re-wrap it after it's already been given several times. That's white trash thinking.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Just got convinced to trip sit for a pack of cigarettes and a burrito. Let the games begin

(774): View more from Massachusetts

He is currently tell his hat to go free. Like he has it sitting on the table just waiting for it to take off. When he's not looking I'm gonna throw it off the balcony and tell him it's flying

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(815): View more from Illinois

Apparently he crashed because 3 different girls were trying to give him road head at the same time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I took my exam the next day still drunk and failed, but I kno for a fact that I filled in the bubbles for my name perfectly

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(775): View more from Nevada

I had 800 mg of ibuprofen 2 b vitamins and I'm pounding water like I'm trying to win a hazing

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Yay for living on the edge. I'm trying this new thing where I stop mom-arming people and promote bad decisions. It's working quite well.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

When I say I took advantage of you when you were drunk, I mean that I convinced you to let me paint cute little panda bears on all of your toenails.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Her eyebrows were plucked so thin that she had to have gonorrhea. Clean girls just don't pluck that way

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(224): View more from Illinois

Last thing I remember is beer bonging sangria. Dear God.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I think I just asked the Greek gyro guy on a yoga date.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

We opted you as the sacrificial dick tonight. We need our patron cafe. Go make some moves.

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(305): View more from Florida

I cannot believe he got soft mid fuck. I just hope he bought that horrible impression you did of my dad. I love you though, you came in clutch tonight.

(954): View more from Florida

It was the least I could do after throwing up in your purse.

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(573): View more from Missouri

and i think wearing the clothes from last night are out of the question...was there mud wrestling there? because i look like a participated..with a cat.

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(619): View more from California

Tomorrow is Have Sex and Climb A Mountain Day. We have amazing dates.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Chick last night said she only gets off if she rubs her childhood blanket her parents gave her during sex

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You grinded and hooked up with a middle aged tiger woods look-a-like with manboobs. Tequila isn't for you.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I called her 20 times. Apparently she went home to do MORE shots before bed. Didnt miss me until this morning. WHO FORGETS THEIR HIGHSCHOOL SISTER AT A FRAT?

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(817): View more from Texas

How can I not totally like a guy that told me my boobs were too big for me to be taught how to play golf?

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(614): View more from Ohio

you know what would be perfect? if you flew in on a horse/cat holding taco bell and then you swooped me up and took me to disney world and it was magical

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(636): View more from Missouri

You called your ex's vag an "AIDS Pinata". Drunk You is the Hulk Hogan of insults.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I think my hopes are too high for this one. The only other bachelorette party I've been to I was felt up by a Chippendale's dancer and smoked a joint with the party bus driver.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He said he wanted to make me his Twinkie, "filled with his delicious cream." ABSOLUTELY 100% NO YOU MAY NOT REPEAT ****NOT**** GIVE HIM MY NUMBER EVER EVER EVER. Please confirm receipt and full comprehension of this message.

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(716): View more from New York

Update is I am officially king of Gettysburg. Tam and I are being threaded like royakt. In bought e ruined a drink

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

I am making pancakes and watching Spongebob Squarepants. My life is a waste of youth.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Guess who won a bet and gets to name it Optimus prime if it's a boy

(734): View more from Michigan

Nevermind. Totally worth it.

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(424): View more from California

You kept yelling "wood grain wheel" and grinding on fat chicks.

(1-424): View more from California

The hell is wrong with me

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(772): View more from Florida

I just want a pillowcase full of fast food so I can eat and sleep this hangover away

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't mean to ruin your favorite Disney movie...but...we both came when Mufasa died.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Its okay, i dont mind you drinking, im just surrounded by it, there is some random dude laying on your couch with a bucket that ive never seen before

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(541): View more from Oregon

Well I blew a guy I barely know in full view of a homeless camp. That's pretty tame for me.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Last night he asked the cab driver "if you were in the middle of getting tattooed and the tattoo artist suddenly got a boner would you leave or would you get that boner??"

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(417): View more from Missouri

What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Dude. Cab ride home consisted of me making out with an Asian girl sitting next to my Dad

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(480): View more from Arizona

got fuckng wasted at spring training, got a lap dance at le girls, got a burrito at filibertos, and still made it to my 5 o'clock eco class wearing a bikini top....I love Arizona State University

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(913): View more from Kansas

He was trying to hotbox the banana suit. Of course we traded him for vodka.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Yes. I feel like complaining about sex all the time with a 21 year old might be punishable by death of the sex gods so I try not to

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(514): View more from Quebec

I cartwheeled across every street... They tried to stop me but I bit anyone who came near me

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(925): View more from California

We can see it once so I can see the whole movie, then I'll go see it with him so I know when the boring parts are and I can have sex with him during those parts

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(229): View more from Georgia

He played the same pre-sex songs as his brother...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

dude to be honest with you there is a used condom that ive just left on my floor for three days

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

you have got to get your shit together

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(503): View more from Oregon

We ended not having sex. I didn't want to explain that I was wearing a Unitard because all my socks and underwear were dirty.

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(909): View more from California

I think that girl got really offended when I made out with baby Jesus.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sat down on an escalator. That hungover.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Took out half a tooth with a handle of jim beam last night. Apparently I can't walk and chug bourbon at the same time

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Also I walked home in over mitts \nLet's take a minute to really laugh about that

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(310): View more from California

True. On an unrelated note I helped post bail for both of our ex girlfriends last night. Russian roulette: guess which one is pregnant?

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(406): View more from Montana

Today needs to die. The mail delivery guy watched me throw up in my yard while taking my chihuahua out in Christmas pajamas at noon. Low point in my life.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

My last google search of the night was "Things that cost $102.50"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Kinda sad when you get home on a Sunday morning and the paper guy HAND DELIVERS the newspaper to you...,

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(225): View more from Louisiana

If I get over there and the april fools joke is that there's no HBO, I'm setting fire to the place.

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(863): View more from Florida

our flight took off 8 am and the bar didn't close til 5, so we decided it was a good idea to just stay out all night. Drunk logic is awesome. We were all scared we wouldn't get let onto the plane

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think I fixed my testicle. That's why I didnt pay $25 for a doctor to do it

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Nothing like moscato in your sinuses tobmake your night complete

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(434): View more from Virginia

I've decided to dedicate my life to finding out which flavor of Gatorade tastes best after you brush your teeth

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Do you know how I hurt my ankle or my shoulder? Or the origin of any of the following mystery bruises: left quad, left wrist, right elbow. Thanks for playing.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

yep you were here saturday. if you woke up smelling like vanilla i can explain.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i was drunk enough to give the cab driver my number when he said "you talk like you like guys"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be so proud. Like a proud mama bear freeing my slut cub into the wild.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he's gonorrhea incarnate

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(914): View more from New York

Walked into my campus store carrying a pitcher of sangria. No fucks given. Also this recipe is banging.

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. All those hangovers I never had came back with a vengeance. I just opened the door of this car to barf. The car was not motionless. We are on the autobahn.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Ya I painted "STOP TRYING ANAL" on her headboard. I'm sick of listening to her whine through the wall and bitch the next day.

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(562): View more from California

So like 5 seconds in I realize I knew him in 3rd grade and I went limp in his mouth. It felt like I just murdered the last unicorn ever. Going straight never felt like an option till now.

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(219): View more from Indiana

LEAVE MY LITTLE DICK OUT OF THIS

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(303): View more from Colorado

You know how most people would take your keys when they don't want you to leave a party? Those 2 girls aren't most people. They took my pants instead.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just woke up eating some beef jerky with my cat. I think she opened the bag for us.

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(916): View more from California

the gays at disneyland are vicious

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(630): View more from Illinois

I gave his parents a candle as a thanks for letting me hang out there all the time. Which i guess is more accurately a thanks-for-letting-me-fuck-your-son candle

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(904): View more from Florida

Peed in a sink tonight. That drunk. I'm not proud of myself for what I did. But to carry it out with such class. I should be awarded

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I'm still hoping for it dude. Random north dakota pussy. If my 16 year old self knew that these were my dreams he would so try to beat me up, and i think he could.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Once he blows his load, he's more of an immediate flight risk than that jetBlue pilot. He's out the door before his cum is out of my vajayjay.

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(631): View more from New York

If I take diet pills with my edibles I'll be a perfect person

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching intervention which is getting me psyched for your birthday. Is that wrong?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude next time u fuck on our counters will u please let me know BEFORE I make lunch.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just yelled at my mom for getting me circumcised without my permission. That drunk

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(212): View more from New York

how are things with the new girl?

(917): View more from New York City

good, we have nothing in common but she likes being choked

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just saw a tranny in a skimpy captain america costume walking around campus. Going to follow her. You gotta see this

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My ex just sent me a message asking if she could blow me, but only if we get caught by her new bf. If she promises to swallow I'm doing it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw a guy in a sombrero and holding an inflated blow-up doll in all her "glory" get escorted out of the mall. I hate Marley.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Ok, gonna go sleep cuz my brain wants to be smart and not follow my pussy into the danger zone

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(360): View more from Washington

5 am booty call.. And I went I need to gain better control of my vagina

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to always be prepared. Like a sex firefighter.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

they night at the roxbarryed us. came out of nowhere,bought us shots, and then the big one licked my hand? we got out of that noise.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

My mind hurts. I feel like I drank sand yesterday.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So I realized I'm not completely sober when the automatic toilet flushed and I screamed

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(406): View more from Montana

Just pulled over to throw up in a day care parking lot while the kids were outside playing. The adults were mortified.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey, my drug test is at 4:15 tomorrow. I'll meet you 5 minutes later.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Karaoke into a bottle of boones. dear summer in alabama, glad to see you again.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

possible father of this baby just finished his test first in a lecture of 200 people. other possible father finished about 100th.

(618): View more from Illinois

I'm rooting for #1.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She was wasted. Kept yelling "what if I'm pregnant" and trying to push me into the tree. First and last time I bring a girl to my family christmas party.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

what kind of one night stand wants to walk you home in the morning? whole diff kind of walk of shame.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just asked me if he's allowed to flirt with me. That's how whipped he is.

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(573): View more from Missouri

So I'm thinking next semester you should be my own personal maid, nurse, masseuse and chef in exchange for free lodging, any food you can find, and unlimited access to my reproductive organs.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I was more than drunk as hell I have rug burn on my elbows from ninja roles on the ground..

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(773): View more from Illinois

Definitely need to find a less healthy bootycalls. All this bitch got in her fridge is feta, English muffins and wheat grass. What the fuck can I make with that???

(773): View more from Illinois

Found 2 Coors, problem solved.

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(607): View more from New York

Pizza delivery...for when you need to eat your feelings for the sex you aren't having

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(765): View more from Indiana

I'm not a home wrecker but if one more married man with a yacht asks me to go scuba diving I'm NOT saying no

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm smoking a bowl and pondering why we haven't discovered teleportation again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

They won't let us do straight shots of 151 since that guy lit his face on fire.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

she broke my one feeling. seriously I think she broke my dick.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found out I called my mom at six in the morning to ask where the bong was. I win.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

FRIENDSHIP PRAYER: May the crabs of 1,000 whores infest the crotch of the person who fucks up your day

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(425): View more from Washington

...im seriously confused as to why this doesn't make sense to you. Girl hostage, rob casino. Makes perfect sense.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He led me to his room and handed me the remote, he left to go take a shower and there is a group of guys across the hall just staring at me... Its like they know something i dont. Help me.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I know. he thinks we're 'meant to be'. No we're fucking not. God wouldn't give my soulmate a pencil dick.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

When we asked you how you got there you replied in all seriousness, "rode my legs"

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(520): View more from Arizona

Im going to make a sandwich and see if my books came from amazon. I cant believe two years ago i was dating eight guys and teaching russian exchange students how to do shots.

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(613): View more from Ontario

We got back from Mcdonalds and literally 5 minutes of being in your room, you wanted to go back because "We haven't been yet."

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(979): View more from Texas

Omg. I felt like a crazed animal last night. My lesbian instincts burned a hole in my panties.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I was cracked out naked on a toilet pretending I was posing for playboy.. Shit got weird, but apparently I had a good bday.

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(+34): View more from Spain

First booty call in Europe.. In Barcelona. With a German. In broad daylight.... Is that how they do it here?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I like how I get messages from eharmony at the same time I'm looking for a new vibrator. It's like the powers that be are just trying to make my life ironic.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've got 2 dollars. How do I turn this into alcohol?

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(760): View more from California

My professor just told me I'm living a lie and I found puke on my pants. How do you think it's going?

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(631): View more from New York

he was cumming and all I could think about was the pathway of sperm the in penis. thanks a lot nursing

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(703): View more from Virginia

See what happens chris. I told u not to invite her over. Now shes on her way to jail and were stuck with two pomeranians.

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(682): View more from Texas

He's nice but I'm a one bouncer kind of girl

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(432): View more from Texas

3 for 3 on getting girls who say "yolo" at the bar to have anal. Not the motto I live by, but it has changed my life.

(1-432): View more from Texas

Erry day erry day!

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(812): View more from Indiana

I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I've smoked enough weed to put down a pony.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Hey hey, in my defense we were just suppose to watch Disney movies from a blanket fort with beer and nachos. I was I suppose to know it would end in tears?

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(916): View more from California

I'm sorry I drunk dialed you before realizing that you were already in bed with me.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

It was a group decision to take your pants off. Took a solid 10 minutes. No more skinny jeans while drinking.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He leaned over in the middle of the movie and said "My dick's name is Juan". WHO DOES THAT?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I knew it was time to stop when you guys were playing a drinking game called "every three steps take a drink"

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(802): View more from Vermont

shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Operation: sleep in every bed at the boys' house is nearing completion. Now at 5/9. I AM GOLDILOCKS AND NO ONE CAN STOP ME

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(281): View more from Texas

And you were like "stop making pop tarts, lil bowow" as you grabbed the pop tarts from your ex and consumed them. Teach me your ways.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I got eye-fucked by an 80 year old man wearing a cowboy hat while I was singing country. How do you think karaoke went?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Oh god he's like Julia Roberts in pretty woman... And I'm the one who's gotta make a lady out of him.

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(540): View more from Virginia

The shit show didn't end. it just relocated itself to my apartment instead of yours.

(540): View more from Virginia

you also need to get my treadmill fixed.

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(785): View more from Kansas

God I hope my hair dresser doesn't realize that all these hairspiration pictures are from gay porn blogs on tumblr.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I left after my shirt got dropped in the toilet thinking that there was absolutely no good that could happen the rest of the evening. I hear I was very wrong.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(914): View more from New York

So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Think I can pull off edward 40 hands before class?

(919): View more from North Carolina

You might end up in the wrong class.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm a COM major, they're all the wrong class.

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(773): View more from Illinois

He's afraid of heights. How do I know, you ask? Blowjob on his roof.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I am still STD free so as far as I am concerned I never went to panama.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I've discovered that regular handcuff keys, sadly, do not work on real police handcuffs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

What was the name of that place where we saw that concert? It was like a warehouse and some guy was living in the loft above the stage...

(804): View more from Virginia

It's called: a legit place to drop acid.

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(214): View more from Texas

Some guy in lab is humming along to a Sara Barrilles song. Or maybe I'm just hearing the song echoing in his huge, gaping vagina.

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(314): View more from Missouri

No we just stood in the kitchen and laughed for 2 hours about how funny the popcorn noise was.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'll just be here. Naked. Eating tots and jello like a muh fuggin G

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(207): View more from Maine

My body is a temple...that happens to be able to get me free Patron shots at the bar

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm hungry

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Come here to eat and play. It'll be like Dave and Busters except with sex

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I tried to make friends with the geese living behind Hughes. They didn't really like that idea.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Are you high?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess I was trying to make a cheese sandwich, I had to change my sheets cuz I slept on it and the cheese melted all over me, Dave, and my bed

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(419): View more from Ohio

I take your giggles as a yes to operation McLaxitives?

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(716): View more from New York

We should install the 'help i've fallen and can't get up' buttons on our bodies for this weekend. Birthday weekend calls for extra measures.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'be color coordinated the clothes in my closet and my underwear drawer. I'm like an advertisement for house arrest. Help.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'll reiterate. Best drinking game ever. I shall teach it to my children's children

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(702): View more from Nevada

Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.

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(972): View more from Texas

Ugh why does it have to be margarita Monday. Why can't it be pants off dance off beer pong but with jager Monday.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper was waving you to the stage, not up on the stage. That's why you got choked out.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just recognized Courtney in a crowded Trader Joe's solely by seeing her ass. In other news, I survived the first round of layoffs today.

(773): View more from Illinois

I'm not sure which feat is more impressive...

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(703): View more from Virginia

yolo... Doesn't that stand for 'shut the fuck up'?

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(914): View more from New York

I say we go and bring jello shots with laxatives. 57% sure one of his toilets is broken

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Bring your friend that fell asleep in the bathroom for my friend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

currently waiting for her to check in on Facebook, the second she does I'm there. someone is getting laid tonight

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm not stalking, she is pretty much begging me to come find her if she checks in

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(778): View more from British Columbia

DOWN HORMONES. BACK.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wrote on the paper that he wanted a "Ptitty burreto" from taco bell...when we ordered it the girl paused and entered "Potatoe burrieto"....we laughed

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Maybe if more guys knew my pillowtalk occasionally includes me scribbling notebook diagrams of cell signalling pathways, I'd get laid more often

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(914): View more from New York

Just fucked in a kitchen. I never want my penis that close to knives, stoves, or blenders ever again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Just had an old man tip me two dollars and say "here put this in your baby fund, you'll have a baby someday" I swear this is gods way of saying GET ON BIRTH CONTROL NOW!

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Ive never seen him vulnerable before. He just had surgery and looked so cute on his crutches. like a little baby bird with a broken wing. that i wanted to nurse back to health. with my vagina

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(305): View more from Florida

I'm not drinking cause I'm like 4 vodkas away from a boom box and Peter Gabriel.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We fucked in his mom's shower and all I could think about was being too old to be sneak banging while someone's mom was out of town and how much mildew was on the shower curtain. Fuck you, Adulthood.

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(914): View more from New York

Or maybe my penis is just the key to their locked boxes of crazy, and I unleash their wrath upon all of mankind just so I can get my nut off

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(828): View more from North Carolina

In less than 24 hrs I went from conversing with Nobel Laureate, to hangover vomiting in front of a drive thru cashier

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(509): View more from Washington

It's not my fault you have a job and can't get drunk on Tuesday's. Don't take your frustrations out on me!

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(941): View more from Florida

I was getting sick from all the peanut butter I had to lick off

(1-941): View more from Florida

Stop bitching. YOU SHOULD FEEL BLESSED TO HAVE LICKED PEANUT BUTTER OFF OF THESE TOTTERS

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

So the old dude that tried to fight me is definitely Katie's dad. And the pot cookie's kicking in. Shit is getting weird.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are six slides. In going to pee in five of them. You have to guess which one to go down. Agree?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Agreed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thats gotta be it. Also just found out that the fireworks will fit in the airsoft pistols...we are all gonna die

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(415): View more from California

Dude between pissing everywhere and all of those frogs, that bathroom got wrecked.

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(707): View more from California

After so many times of carrying your puked covered clothes home in a bag on a Tuesday morning, you begin to realize that Fucked Up Mondays aren't a real thing.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

He put up a Facebook album attempting to sell off their Harvard furniture. Items for sale include: his friend, a broken lamp, an item described as a 'carpet and/or sleeping bag', a pair of paint stained cargo pants, size 'Tyler', and a self proclaimed $3 bottle of wine, which he is offering for $2

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Found the puke drawer

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

They broke our car window and then wrote "great night" on the next

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(716): View more from New York

Alright, deal. Settling two drug deals before noon is what I call a productive day. I'm not even gonna go to math, I've practiced enough numbers for the day.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Meeting his dad and brother for the first time at the jail while I'm bailing him out ISN'T exactly how I pictured this relationship going....

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(336): View more from North Carolina

The bar has bullet holes in the ceiling, and the country singer had been playing drunken weezer covers. A man just bought me a beer on the grounds that I 'have his back' in a fist fight with a stranger texan. And, yes, the bartender is wearing a sherif's badge

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm hungover as hell. I'm dying. I have no skin left on my knees

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.

(910): View more from North Carolina

My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Brilliant thought; pill pong.

(651): View more from Minnesota

What could go wrong?

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(914): View more from New York

She didn't need to know her brother was thrown out of a bar for getting head on the dance floor. You're a shit head.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I've decided I want to blow you wearing a santa hat.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Aren't rabbit ears more seasonally appropriate?

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(469): View more from Texas

I can feel my moral fiber fraying.

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(310): View more from California

I'm at work, and just realized I the beer smell I keep getting random whiffs of is my bra. I fail at life.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She told me to act like the hulk during sex. Shit got 9 different shades of weird

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(914): View more from New York

If Dave says he's going to have sex with her, he's going to fuck her retarded and turn her crazy. So run.

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(415): View more from California

I'm just sad for you. It sucks that the 17 douchebag asshole guys you're fucking can't morph into one nice, normal, non-alcoholic guy that has a drivers license and no criminal history.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Its a "sake bomb in the bathroom during class" kind of day.

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(518): View more from New York

We kept trying to bring you to the hospital but you had a tantrum and kept saying you would never be Miss America

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(719): View more from Colorado

That girl next to you randomly said that she fits into a queen sized pillow case

(573): View more from Missouri

WTF.

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(647): View more from Ontario

so the photographer said "let's get a picture of the cousins" so we posed together, and then he said " lets get a picture of the couples" So we posed together.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(406): View more from Montana

Is it some european holiday today? We both woke up to find loaves of bread in our rooms...

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(+61): View more from Australia

he has decreed that i can sleep with anyone who has the same name as him. line up all the toms

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them

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(740): View more from Ohio

My last two google searches are "shiny things" and "Ohio consent laws." you should visit more often.

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(315): View more from New York

Oh my god I peed in a park last night and then tried to set off fireworks with a group of middle-aged men

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(815): View more from Illinois

My drunken abilities have only improved since college....I can navigate the streets of chicago like no ones business, do push-ups to hail a taxi and instantly become an mma fighter after 3 shots of hennessy

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(540): View more from Virginia

I've never been to a "going away to jail" cookout. do we bring a present?

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(330): View more from Ohio

I can't tell if I'm hungover or if my cat just knocked the lamp on my face

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(314): View more from Missouri

New favorite drinking game: bobbing for jello shots. Where did these freshmen come from and when can we go there?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I knew it was on when he was dancing on stage and I gave him a dollar so in return he ripped my tit out of my shirt and started sucking on it IN THE MIDDLE OF THE BAR.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I think shooting the BMW with the bow and arrow is when our group became the evening's antagonist

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My catholic guilt is strong, but the alcohol is stronger.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

And I kind of want to stare at skinny jonah hill like a weird zoo exhibit lol.

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(727): View more from Florida

it's a drink the shower water kind of morning ...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I thought turtle was a code word for weed until he pulled out a baby turtle from his pocket and said "$20 for a turtle"

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You thought your socks were broken. They were just inside out.

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(518): View more from New York

Hey it happens. Think of it this way- you didn't wake up in jail, your face wasn't inexplicably busted and you still have all your teeth. In this group of friends, you're on top!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just induced vomiting to put out a carpet fire.

(404): View more from Georgia

Everyone is cheering

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(892): View more from

YOU STOLE THE WEDDING CAKE?!?!

(314): View more from Missouri

Only one tier

(314): View more from Missouri

Tastes like cardboard anyway

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(858): View more from California

I feel like ass. I'm missing 12 hours of my life and all I have to show for it is an empty wendys bag. Those Shrooms were too much... When do we do it again?

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(512): View more from Texas

We were in the hot tub...he ate the pizza pocket directly out of my mouth

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(647): View more from Ontario

bah. we'll see. don't give yourself a boner of false hope.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Sorry, they don't make maternity Power Ranger suits...

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(243): View more from

We were having sex and his high flatmates stood outside his room playing the guitar and singing Somebody to Love by Justin Beiber. Weirdest night ever.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He's cute when he's drunk, too. Also he tried to fight my door...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(407): View more from Florida

There's a girl in the bathroom crying about something having to do with cream cheese.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Also, am I the only one who noticed he didn't fuck you until after you were technically a cripple? Or am I reading into this too much? Congrats on that btw

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(631): View more from New York

Omfg amy I'm not kidding you I think a blow job is what landed me in the hospital

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(360): View more from Washington

I decided I'm going to give him a celebratory fuck for his accomplishments. Knocked on his door, handed him some condoms and said "I'll be over tonight with sex and booze"

(425): View more from Washington

I want to be you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She's like my safety school. At the end of the night, if I haven't found anyone better to hook up with, I can always call her if I need a place to drop a load and don't want to rub one out myself. Perfect next door neighbor.

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(623): View more from Arizona

He seems to have a lot of things figured out and most of the answers involve bourbon

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(607): View more from New York

Friend date it is then. Question: Can friends engage in sexual activities after dates?

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(940): View more from Texas

He and I are basically the same person, except he has a glorious penis and I have glorious breasts.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Guess which fraternity was just playing car to car frisbee in the McDonald's drive thru! Did you guess mine?

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(587): View more from Alberta

Hahah fuck. I keep looking to make sure that stupid line doesn't show up when my guards are down. Babies can sense fear.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Me. blonde. Sex. Dance floor.

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(801): View more from Utah

"Shots" of grape juice. I fucking hate Utah soooo fucking much.

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(206): View more from Washington

When you get here, kick me in the balls. It's really important. - I'll explain later.

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(419): View more from Ohio

WHY ARE YOU SMOKING WEED WHEN YOU JUST HAD A STROKE. AND MORE IMPORTANTLY WHY ARE YOU DOING IT WITHOUT ME.

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(716): View more from New York

You may see me wearing your shirt to class. It's because I still have the spins and I'm anticipating throwing up on it. Asshole.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dad just showed up on someone else's golf cart, filled an ice chest with booze and left while yelling "SHINANIGANS!!!!" this is going no where fast.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

This place smells like bottom shelf liquor and broken dreams

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be your sherpa up the mountain of gayness

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(602): View more from Arizona

Your girlfriend is in jail- I've just never been able to use that in a sentence before. Thank you both!

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(914): View more from New York

All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Indoor beer darts at Rafs just turned into a trust exercise of putting your hand on the wall and closing your eyes while the other throws.. Almost gave Cale a Tracheotomy

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(254): View more from Texas

Dude. I'm busy doing PR for America. FOR AMERICA. Europeans think we can't handle liquor.

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(206): View more from Washington

I mean, yeah, she was cheating on me but I've been fucking her brother. My secret relationship trumps her secret relationship.

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(630): View more from Illinois

Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I was dressed in monkey onesie serving people vodka jelly with a spoon...

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Ya I guess if we compared our actions now with our actions 2 years ago. We are definitely in a constant state of shit showness.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude this deaf chick is totally hot, I just bought an apartment on boner ave

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(310): View more from California

I woke up this morning in the house, I didn't realize it was physically possible to duct tape a person to the wall...

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(909): View more from California

If I had a dick as big as yours. The world would be an oyster. An oyster smaller than my big penis

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I just burped jalapeños and cum. That was the most disgusting thing ever.

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(513): View more from Ohio

trapped on the roof of the strip club. help

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(619): View more from California

Not that you went to little darlings at 3am. But that you checked in on Facebook. C'mon bro. You're better than that.

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

You said that you were drinking out of a pan, and then went on to apologise to 'Jesus and all the other guys' for drinking on a Sunday.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.

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(254): View more from Texas

I heard him say "bet you won't", look over 10 seconds later and she's blowing him.....looked eloquent under the glow of a camp fire.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You have dresses for different occasions. I need different men's dicks too. It's logic.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.

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(353): View more from

I think if I set up a series of baby gates up the stairs each one more difficult to undo then the last that should be able to stop your drunk vagina.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude found out there's an open bar at the celebration of life thing for my grandma which is at noon. Now I know why I can drink so much

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(562): View more from California

I just woke up in my ex-boyfriends bed, with my new boyfriends jersey on. I love March maddness.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I was having trouble getting it up so she grabbed it and said "no, it's too big to fail"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

the tv said "its small, its comfortable..." and i started laughing... safe to say he lost any dignity he had left...

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(916): View more from California

I just realized I consumed seven different types of alcohol this weekend. And I'm only counting jungle juice as one of those. How the fuck did I not die?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Hey, I got 20% of the people home that I was responsible for. I can't be expected to do much more.

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(718): View more from New York

Pretty sure I just shit out pure stomach acid. I'll explain after you take me to a hospital

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(309): View more from Illinois

she said i was like a little lamb and she felt bad for luring me into her den of sin. then she blew me.

(708): View more from Illinois

Being a virgin isn't supposed to be this easy for you.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

he was once again the drunkest girl at the party

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(714): View more from California

I just baptized the girl next to me. LONG LIVE THE CHURCH OF VODKA

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(941): View more from Florida

The only thing I remember is vomiting and then feeding my dog a Mcdonalds cheeseburger and telling him yolo

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(714): View more from California

Dude made his own urinal by punching a hole in the wall and pissing in it rather than waiting in line. That is the stuff of legends.

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(217): View more from Illinois

his name is devion and he has a voice like velvet and handcuffs

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(802): View more from Vermont

Yeah, he has a kid now! Shit... You know you're all grown up when the people you used to have threesomes with become parents

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(415): View more from California

my favorite homeless guy just told me I drive like Batman, achievement unlocked

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(330): View more from Ohio

It took all the strength I had tto sit at my desk and not tear off my business attire and run screaming from adulthood and flourescent lights.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Its only 9:11 and I just somersaulted through a window. Its gonna be a good night

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(907): View more from Alaska

The chlamydia really affected his face.

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(817): View more from Texas

matt is drinking blue powerade and it looks like he has hypothermia. i can't take this kid anywhere.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So I walked out of my room and there was my brother....standing naked

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Not sure if this is better or worse than the discovery that bourbon and hot chocolate is a viable combo

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm naked and wearing a cowbell.i love med school.

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(847): View more from Illinois

First and foremost she's my friend, but she's also a mistake I make when I'm drunk

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he gets drunk and then tries to eat the lasers at the dance club

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(240): View more from Maryland

Im eating the cereal I found in my pocket and drinking wine out of the bottle.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Remember when we were mad at her for brining her mom on spring break? She just won the wet t-shirt contest. I think we owe her an apology.

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(913): View more from Kansas

"Does your mom know how big your cock is?" Worst dirty talk I've ever had.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

only you. it could only happen to you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Come on... In this relationship-economy, you gotta have "awesome blowjobs" on your resume.

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(209): View more from California

ok please explain why some one shaved half of my pubes?

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(601): View more from Mississippi

She may be a slut, but at least she's a dedicated slut. She's always super tan and has her shit shaved in really cool designs.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Hurricane Sex Time is the only thing iv said since it started.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

We all told you to throw up but you just stuck your head in the toilet and screamed..

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Fairly certain I called dibs on your lesbian virginity last night

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

on a side note you can NOT make bong water out of a pear

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(415): View more from California

The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?

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(914): View more from New York

Countdown til Saturday. I'd assume we're somewhere around 10,000 bottles of beer on the wall.

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(509): View more from Washington

I shall celebrate this moment with a beer conveniently located in the sock drawer directly to the right of me.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish there was a non-hangover washing machine that I could stick myself in right now

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(563): View more from Iowa

you were the other women for BOTH people in the relationship?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude you couldnt even talk, you just kept hiccuping and slamming your head on the wall.

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(661): View more from California

It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i woke up next to a ladle and a packet of chocolate biscuits that my face had melted into one giant biscuit.

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(631): View more from New York

I just realized that two weekends in a row we ended up in a bathroom with two different boys asking us for a threesome. does this happen to everyone?

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(571): View more from Virginia

she added emergen-c to the bong-water bro, brilliant.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(585): View more from New York

she just uttered the sweetest sentence in the english language...my stripper friends are coming over

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(251): View more from Alabama

She tried to keep her legs crossed last night while doing a keg stand. Way to keep it classy.

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(248): View more from Michigan

so then they started chanting "LET'S GET A LITTLE BIT SCHWASTED. S-H-W-...WASTED!" theres nothing like partying with former high school cheerleaders

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(604): View more from British Columbia

i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.

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(941): View more from Florida

Is it gay to rub my penis between my butt cheeks and pretend that they're tits?

(1-941): View more from Florida

Wow! You need to get laid.

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(727): View more from Florida

I caught myself masturbating while watching a baseball game today. It was over before I realized what was going on. And then I was just confused.

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(206): View more from Washington

Do you think Patty Mayonase ever went down on Doug?

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(562): View more from California

I just stole a cupcake from somebody's bottle service

(562): View more from California

And I got $4 when somebody made it rain.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Decided against hooking up with creepy stalker guy for a ride to work. I feel I've earned a few self respect points back.

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(323): View more from California

Aside from the fact that there's a penis in my mouth, that's a pretty good picture of me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Wow. 8.8 earthquake hit Chile this morning

(1-217): View more from Illinois

didn't feel it. :)

(217): View more from Illinois

It's like 5 thousand miles away of course you didn't.

(1-217): View more from Illinois

wait what? so it's not in america?

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(561): View more from Florida

I love family holidays its the only time when playing beer pong, and smoking hookah with my family isnt looked down upon

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(661): View more from California

seagrams + popov + pineapple + milk. there, ur search for worlds worst drink is over. you're welcome

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(727): View more from Florida

she asked me if I wanted a handjob on the haunted mansion ride at Disney. was I suposed to say no?

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(619): View more from California

So my shaver died while I was trimming...ya know. And now it is half way done. I don't think there's currently any aesthetic in keeping it this way...

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(518): View more from New York

Hi, this is ****, we hooked up a few weeks ago. I was wondering, do you have any STDs?

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(310): View more from California

If I don't survive tonitght I would like to thank you for the ricekrispy treats. I am majestic

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(631): View more from New York

im the best fifth wheel. all four of them separately bribed me to never speak of what happened last night

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(406): View more from Montana

I feel that shower jager is exactly what this man needs after last night.

(1-406): View more from Montana

You're a disgrace to gay men everywhere.

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(207): View more from Maine

So ahh..."Multicultural Night" turned into "Fuck the Neighbor Night"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I bought 2 40s with winning lottery tickets and they paid me $.03. 'Merica

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(213): View more from California

holy fuck that shirt looks so good on him, it was like he was born with it on. that shirt deserves a blow

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(817): View more from Texas

I should know better than to trust a man I've seen cry on multiple occasions to give me accurate sports information.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fuck going to see The Hunger Games tonight. The only thing I'm hungry for is some dick. Let's go to the bar.

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(410): View more from Maryland

You said "sustain yourself" quietly over and over as you fed joeys hamster cashews. Acid you is a trip

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(260): View more from Indiana

DONT EVER DUNK OREOS INTO WINE . NEVER

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(315): View more from New York

don't pay it forward

(1-315): View more from New York

I eont pay shit forward. told a stranger to call an abulance and peaced

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(954): View more from Florida

damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian

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(740): View more from Ohio

no im not bringing booze its easy, you just challenge a drunk guy to beer pong, he'll hand you two beers, you lose on purpose, and everyone makes fun of you. but we laugh in the end for bringing nothing to a byob

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(618): View more from Illinois

Medically YOU CAN'T BE AN ALCOHOLIC TILL 25!!!!! WE GET 3 BONUS YEARS!!!!

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(409): View more from Texas

It's total crap. On a side note I watched a porn of 4 guys wrestling in chocolate then messing around with each other. It was like a dream come true

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i ran into my coworkers when i was walking home last night. i was shirtless. i think i gave my shirt to Walter. he's a cat.

(1-704): View more from North Carolina

im still drunk. birthday week begins.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

God I feel like the rain man of hangovers.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Why is my drynk life bleeding into my real life

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(714): View more from California

Hardcore start to spring break. Mike is wearing adult diapers because the only stop we are making is for gas.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He's just giving off this "someone be a bitch to me" vibe

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im playing the how drunk can i get before my card declines game. being single sucks. But getting drunk after work alone in fridays on a wenesday night sucks way more.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I pulled some girls weeve trying to pull the stop cord on the bus

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(510): View more from California

I blacked out after running into my soc TA in the beer garden. came to dancing on the speakers at major lazer and making out with said TA.

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(206): View more from Washington

Kurt said to text you and encourage you to come out tonight. Encourage you with my rack.

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(817): View more from Texas

I got 87 likes on my changed relationship status. It's official. I'm way more fucking awesome single.

(682): View more from Texas

They're mostly guys

(817): View more from Texas

Early bird gets the worm.

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(707): View more from California

He SHOWED UP to the party wearing one shoe and a dinosaur hat. He kept lifting up his shirt and asking people to bite his nipple.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just learned a new drink. Sloppy Ninja. Half Saki Half Nyquil

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got home and laid by the toilet and then alexa laid in the bathtub and sang the preamble while kayla held my hair

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(757): View more from Virginia

Finished watching the entire first season of mighty morphing power rangers. Now I have nothing. Not even a life.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of sending me a picture of his dick, he sent me a drawing of it on drawsomething. This game is getting out of control.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

She asked if I could convince him so shave that shit off his face so he'll have a snowball's chance in hell of getting laid.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Drinking vodka straight out of a beer bottle because I don't want to be judged. Not my best idea and not my worst.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

for a while, i completely forgot that you wrote "fuck me" on my stomach before we went out. when he took my shirt off that night, he just looked down and said, "may i?". i think i'm in love

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(480): View more from Arizona

So is there some kind of punch card you and I get to use every time we fuck a chick with a cast?

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(775): View more from Nevada

The bouncer called to give me my shoes back when I got there he said " I'm all cool with fuvking bitches but when you try to to do it in my bar on the pool table you're gonna get chocked out every time"

(1-775): View more from Nevada

At least you got your shooes

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can't be 100% sure of this but I think tonight was the first time I told a middle aged woman holding a baby to go fuck herself

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was the only guy who ever made me cry..

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Who, the park ranger who made you dump out your beer on the beach?

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(619): View more from California

Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pros and cons of selling your underwear to a guy on craigslist. Go.

(314): View more from Missouri

Come down off the roof.

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(863): View more from Florida

my boobs are worth more now than the blue book value of my car.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Wow, nothing is more special than changing the channel and seeing the guy who groped you on Saturday night...

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(714): View more from California

you were trying to convince me that you weren't drunk by grabbing my shoulders, looking deeply into my eyes and saying "i can see your sparkle"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Running into your random closeted hookup from last night is really awkward when you have to sit next to him and his girlfriend in a 200 person class.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I feel a five day drunk coming on.

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(208): View more from Idaho

She called my landing strip a "vagina mohawk"....

(615): View more from Tennessee

Lesbians are weird.

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(718): View more from New York

She's doing hand stands on the train as I type. Idk if I'm impressed it embarrassed. Or turned on.

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(937): View more from Ohio

She wants to fuck me. On a tennis court. In her tennis outfit. Is ring-shopping an acceptable 3rd date activity?

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(845): View more from New York

"Bring the kids" is the most terrifying 3 words I've ever heard in my life.

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(214): View more from Texas

And I swear to god I'll divorce you if you so much as say a single sentence in Yoda talk in our bedroom. I may be a nerd but that's just fucking creepy

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(801): View more from Utah

He just asked me if I'd be interested in couples therapy. Fuck my life.

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(513): View more from Ohio

One of my friends took me out last night for a bday celebration and I just now remembered that a man blew fire balls across the bar in honor of my birthday... How drunk do you have to be to forget that?

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(512): View more from Texas

Really?!? Does he think blocking me on FACEBOOK means that he doesn't have a kid with me?!

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(618): View more from Illinois

College has taught me that the "best idea" is rarely the fun one.

(1-618): View more from Illinois

This is true but you can't really get fired from college

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Bad news? she threw her drink in his face, left her phone at the club, and disappeared. I found her laying in bed with the bottle she stole from our VIP service. Good news is she's asleep and I have the bottle, come home

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(310): View more from California

What's the address?

(626): View more from California

Too drunk. Just google it.

(310): View more from California

IT'S YOUR HOUSE

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(614): View more from Ohio

There are 18k people at the game and I'm next to the one guy who pulls his underwear down to his ankles to piss.

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(316): View more from Kansas

At 4 am, making my walk of shame, the hotel security followed me to my car with his flashlight shined directly on me. I felt like either a criminal or like I was about to get raped. Can't a girl sneak out of a hotel room without an actual spotlight on her?!?!?!

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Russians do not operate on the same level as the rest of us. hoping I wake up tomorrow

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(720): View more from Colorado

There was an Altoids can full of urine in the bathroom. I do not want to know what was going on in there.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

??I have an official piece of documentation saying you are banned from Las Vegas.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I can't live in this building much longer. People are starting to figure out that it's me making the weird sex noises.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I may or may not have just ruined a marriage. But in my defense I got all my drinks for free tonight.

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(707): View more from California

do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me

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(303): View more from Colorado

The sign say "Kereoke" strip bar. 5 more beers and ill be ready to rumble.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Like do you realize his dealer came out with a gun and we laughed like it was all just fun and games...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Daquari drive throughs 24 hours a day. LORD HAVE MERCY

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(314): View more from Missouri

he told her he was actually impressed that she had fucked more people in this house than the four dudes living in it.

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(407): View more from Florida

Oh and I ate all of your Cinnamon Toast Crunch. Consider it part of your reparation payment for accidental anal insertion. I may continue to collect payments until I am no longer sore.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Right... Let's keep my vodka tinged mind focused on simple words

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Just because im a good person doesn't mean that I don't reserve the right to be a complete dick about it.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It was more like a tour de entire bottle of wine in 14 minutes

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just masturbated to a Jock Jams cd. What have you done today?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Traded my phone for pizza, then got it back this morning....successful night

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(917): View more from New York City

hotdog in my bra and i still managed to score. Got a bit freaked when he tried to eat it though. I paid 3 bucks for that fucking hotdog.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

2048oz a keg...divide that by solo cup... comes out to 128 beers...simplifies into 5.3repeating cases...drinkable between two people

(763): View more from Minnesota

and u failed math?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I just found a list in your handwriting titled "Places I've Peed." The National Mall and 'under the second bridge after the bend in the road' are two of the tamer entries. I tip my hat.

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(206): View more from Washington

The realization of how permanent those tattoos really were set in this morning... I am SO sorry.

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(775): View more from Nevada

True that.. I am going to ride a gold plated unicorn across a field of cocaine and coach purses when I graduate.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

That was beautiful.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

What do you need? A swimsuit and a liver of steel? What else?

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(561): View more from Florida

I can't even look at my running shoes. I swear I drank more in the last 2 days than the last 6 months combined

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(208): View more from Idaho

I didn't just randomly come up with it. But if you want to give me extra credit for creativity I have a bare chest and chocolate sauce left

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(330): View more from Ohio

He has pizza coupons and a hammer next to his toilet.

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(404): View more from Georgia

the japanese bartender dressed as a cowboy in assless chaps just told me i was too drunk for another shot

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(602): View more from Arizona

She kept saying how cute and adorable I was. I felt like a care bear getting a blowjob

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(720): View more from Colorado

Hes a nice guy and all but I'm only interested in his drunken alter ego.

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(563): View more from Iowa

dreams really do come true on the roof and drinking again

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(909): View more from California

Should I tell them about my ticket for possession or about how I'm shitting blood? Which one will gain the most sympathy?

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(925): View more from California

IF HE CAN'T EVEN MAKE EYE CONTACT IN CLASS, I DOUBT THERE WILL BE OTHER FORMS OF CONTACT ON OUR FIRST NOT-A-DATE DATE

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(253): View more from Washington

I've hit an all time low of asking baristas what would go good with marshmallow vodka. I think I might hire one to party with all of us. To make hangover drinks

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

You're not supposed to support this behaviour, btw the judge recognized me

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(231): View more from Michigan

Beer and cheesecake and spinning in cirlcles why did you let me do this to myself

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(941): View more from Florida

oh wow I have been there. Hell one time Matt and I woke up naked with pizza rolls in the bed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Um of course I blew him. He brought me a shamrock shake. It was two o’clock in the morning on St. Patrick’s Day. There was no smoother move basically. He totally earned that head.

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(785): View more from Kansas

The stripper just invited me to take shots with him out at his car after he gets off stage.. I mean why not? I've already seen everything he's got and it'll be easy to get him naked.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have no idea. There are 6 asians singing hey soul sister to me right now.

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(804): View more from Virginia

time for you to cut the loving, understanding, non-judgmental crap and say/do whatever it takes to make sure I never, ever, ever sleep with him again ever

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I thought you were single?

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

I am. But thats cuz no one wants to marry shame and regret doused in tequila. But thanks for reminding me ya dick.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They're not that bad of drunks, they come back to the vehicle with more stuff than they went in with, so its a profitable venture.

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(776): View more from

My shoe was in my mailbox this morning. I can't stay sober today.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I tried to lock you in the bathroom stall because you were too drunk. But you escaped from underneath, I gave up

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(310): View more from California

Immediate regret. She's like a chihuahua on crack.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Remember when we used to share painkillers at parties? Now we're dealing in blood pressure pills. Oh, how the mighty have fallen.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

You get drunk and try to bury your girlfriend in the sand JUST ONCE and all hell breaks loose

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(604): View more from British Columbia

It was fun, but I mean, any day that starts with shower tequila is bound to be good.

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(310): View more from California

At what point does "I'm too high to deal with you right now" stop being rude?

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(407): View more from Florida

work has become about six times more interesting since i started fucking my boss.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude you said you were going to be a human flag and climbed the telephone pole and fell in front of a car

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(517): View more from Michigan

She was the shot vending machine at the party. But free.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You know what? I bet HE would do stormtrooper roleplay with me. I'm in.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Scratch one off the douchebag bucket list. Just saw a guy in a sesame street tshirt and a tap out hat. Didn't get the memo that big bird's trying to get into mma.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

well, the two that sent pics I've already been with, so at least its not just BAM HERE'S MY PENIS IN YOUR INBOX ENJOY THOSE MEGAPIXELS

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(248): View more from Michigan

Yes and yes. Got taken to a Florida strip club. I desperately want to flood my eyes and ears with hand sanitizer right now.

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(734): View more from Michigan

he kept saying that we were in ian's fun time place and then continued to act like a dinosaur.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know how hard it is to maintain a conversation with someone who just told you they put their cat in the fridge on purpose?

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(480): View more from Arizona

there's a guy in the del taco parking lot doing pushups. let's be his friends

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Fire alarms went off at reception of gay wedding im at. We all had to evacuate until FD got here. Then...ill just text the photos.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm trying to figure if this dude sitting in his car with the door open is dead or just sleeping. Someone was probably wondering the same thing bout me 20 minutes ago. Your meeting is taking a ridiculous amount of time.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Because of him my new motto is "Keep calm and fuck a guy with a beard". Yes, I am serious.

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(661): View more from California

he said verbatim, he wants to "bang you hard".

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(281): View more from Texas

I made a bet with her that she would show me her tits if I finished my beer. Only on spring break.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I spilled whiskey on my boobs last night or they are fermenting. Not concerned in the slightest

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(775): View more from Nevada

A girl at the bar is wearing green body paint instead of a shirt. Where are you?!

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(773): View more from Illinois

Excuse me hold on, hooking up with someone who is verified on twitter is like being important.

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(716): View more from New York

She just kept introducing me to people by telling them which of their friends I've fucked

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(616): View more from Michigan

I have green food coloring in my hair and just got a text from "Guy in the Yard"...so this morning is going just as you might imagine.

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(914): View more from New York

Boys DO look like their dicks. Its like dogs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Beautiful fucking linguistics Shakespeare, but youre still not doing that to my face

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Yeah dude. Pulled out the couch and a bird flew at me. Please tell me who put a bird in my house.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Sunshine is the equivalent of sprinkling whore pellets on campus.

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(406): View more from Montana

He told me about how he pissed his pants last weekend like it was a normal part of conversation. Within 10 minutes I was going home with him. I think he put me under some kind of spell.

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(757): View more from Virginia

is it bad that my walk of shame involves the church shuttle?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

In a strange taxi 3059. Battery dying I'm dying. Bye.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was ashamed to still be in my green tank this morning, but there's a guy here in full on bright green pants and a green blazer. He looks like the lucky charms guy stretched out at drunker than usual. Now, I fade into the background.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've lost all respect for marriage since I joined this bachelor party.

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(323): View more from California

Jameson and I invented street rugby last night. Yeah

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(859): View more from Kentucky

We picked up some guys dressed as shamrocks at taco bell. I will text you with further information.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Fell down the metal stairs and some guy tried to fight me after you left. I fell asleep with cadbury eggs in my mouth too.

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(254): View more from Texas

We jumped on a random trolley because total strangers offered us free vodka. We're not even on the route map as far as I can tell. I see now how those people died in "Hostel"... we deserve whatever happens to us tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I take pleasure in knowing how many gallons of booze we've put away in comradery.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

I think we should measure in "bathtubs"

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(289): View more from Ontario

If you really wanted to hide the fact you were gay, you could have at least had the sense to not get drunk in the same bar as your bf.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Your either lost or getting food, if your lost find me a girl on your way back, if your getting food grab me a double cheese

(312): View more from Illinois

Brown or brunette? Ketchup or mustard?

(630): View more from Illinois

I love you bro

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well, my nose won't stop bleeding from really bad cocaine and my purse is full of plastic gold coins. Also, someone saved in my phone as "tyrannosaurus sex" won't quit texting me. Savannah won. Let's put it that way.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm surprised I haven't crapped out a leprechaun, I'm so hungover

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm going to die alone in my chair and get eaten by my cat. That kind of break up.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

While you were hooking up with her I pulled you off to make sure you knew what you were doing.

(732): View more from New Jersey

You said you were "testing the product for Chris."

(848): View more from New Jersey

I'm a bad man.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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(503): View more from Oregon

That awkward moment when the guy you hooked up on spring break invites you over for dinner to meet his parents and you say yes because the first rule of college is never turn down a free meal.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

THE SHIT YOU GET YOURSELF INTO

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(317): View more from Indiana

His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...

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(718): View more from New York

He woke me up for a 10am bootycall. he was already drunk when he got here and when we were fucking, bagpipes started playing amazing grace outside of my window!! I love Boston on st. Patties day!!

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(914): View more from New York

Just missed the last train for another 5 hours. There are balls in or around the mouth of my life.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I kind of feel like BP. I'm dressed in green and absolutely horrible for the environment.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(239): View more from Florida

Dude cabbage spilt on the floor, and now danielles rolling it. Happy st party's day.

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(801): View more from Utah

Ya he's alive. Apparently he's been drinking Naty and listening to Unbreak My Heart on repeat all day.

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(343): View more from Ontario

Is it possible to just pretend that everything we did after grilling up your goldfish didn't happen?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Like do you hear me I PUKED IN MY OWN HANDS AND HE STILL SAID I WAS GORGEOUS

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(425): View more from Washington

What goes on in that head of yours?

(206): View more from Washington

Gay sex, for the most part. Why?

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(315): View more from New York

Who is Katie and why do we have her birthday cake?

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(630): View more from Illinois

230 lb girl across the train from me is giving a dude in a kilt a handjob while he sits in her lap

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember fighting the chubby dude and the bouncer put me in the full Nelson. Woke up this morning with a dislocated shoulder. We need to finish the rest of this beer though

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Where the hell did all of these gingers come from? It's like they crawled out of their shame-caves for st Patrick's day.

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(641): View more from Iowa

But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I once puked on the side of the hwy driving home and it somehow made me feel more Canadian. So don't rule it out

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(706): View more from Georgia

It hits you later. Like when you wake up on the floor under a puzzle later.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Please put me in a whole with no windows and never let me out.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just had to masturbate in the bathroom because mom changed my room into a "knitting" room. I hate coming home.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He will. He has no choice. What's he gonna do? Find a better fuck buddy? We both know that's not possible. I'm the ideal friend with benefit. Minus snoring and uneven tits.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

FYI...Jose likes Shamrock shakes better than Jack

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She just cut the six pack plastic up and screamed "save the dolphins"..she also threw away cans of tuna. I like this girl.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Nah nah nah the rules are different on st patty day, drink beer or die. It's like the hunger games but blurrier

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Haha you were definitely messed up. Let me know if you need anything

(1-814): View more from Pennsylvania

Could really use a time machine and a higher self esteem, in that order

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She said I looked exactly like my dad. Then she made out with me. Should I be questionable?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We've been here for ten minutes. She told me I wasn't "Irish enough", licked my tits, and then sprinkled green glitter on them.

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(720): View more from Colorado

You kept challenging people to a cartwheel contest...when someone finally agreed, you cartwheeled into some chicks face, then tried to propose to her as an apology. Fyi, she said no

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Drunk in burger king. Having it our way. Free fries. M&m sundaes.

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(650): View more from California

Of course I'm not above using aladdin and pot to get laid, this is america

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

This is love.

(860): View more from Connecticut

Which part? The alcoholic cupcakes or the lesbian st paddys day party?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you remember some guy walking around the club saying "boner patrol" and smacking people in the dick?

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Yeah, that was you

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(949): View more from California

'Well you know, stuff happens' isn't really an excuse for sticking a cheeto in my ear

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just did a slip and slide down a five story staircase in my dorm. Being an engineer is fucking awesome

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(937): View more from Ohio

And then we made hashbrowns with vodka and queso.

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(954): View more from Florida

You'd be surprised at the stuff my vagina tells my brain to say

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i mean let's face it...the pregnant girl was really slowing us down.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Got so drunk in South Padre some guy put me on a suitcase trolly and pushed me to my room. I flashed my boobs as a tip.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Please be advised that because of last year's "incident" we will no be starting St. Pat's day with spicy breakfast burritos and car bombs. Please plan accordingly.

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(305): View more from Florida

She saves ONE person's life while blacked out and now she's positive anything can be done "while fucking hammered"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I really want to lead this Amish guy into temptation

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(614): View more from Ohio

I deem her datable let the dance of attraction commence

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(386): View more from Florida

Fuck I am starving. I don't think I've eaten in the past two days.

(904): View more from Florida

You didnt need to. Gin is like eggs, its a perfectly nutrionally balanced meal.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

St Patricks day needs to be raged like youve never raged before. Like youre in the desert and it starts raining beer. Like it's the day the announced the 21st amendment (which is the one that ended prohibition)

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(260): View more from Indiana

the scent of your tears make me crave pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its warm now so i can go back to sleeping with guys based on their fuckability rather than how much warmth they generate.

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(310): View more from California

Quick question, when did I develop feelings, and how can I make them go away?

(626): View more from California

That's two questions.

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(573): View more from Missouri

These bathrooms are miraculous. I'd love to have sex in here. Wow. I've peed 5 times.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My pupils are so HUGE you can see into my soul from 2 miles away

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(425): View more from Washington

Every time I stand up, gravity punches me in the tits. This is horrible.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

As for the 14 hours of vodka. I am all that is man.

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(607): View more from New York

wine pong. its mother daughter day and i think she's mad. I smell like jager

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(816): View more from Missouri

Omg.....I raised my camera to take a pic at this presentation, and I wanted to zoom in, so I swiped my phone to the left and up pops my dick pic from last night.

(816): View more from Missouri

I can't bring myself to turn around to see if pple saw it.

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(278): View more from Michigan

Make sure you have everything youll need until sunday. aka a green shirt and condoms.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Small children cheering my name. I am not a decent enough human being to feel comfortable with this.

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(205): View more from Alabama

It would only make sense that I'd cheat on him with his best friend on the ides of march...

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(518): View more from New York

it wasnt even considered partying. it was like "ok, who can get the most shitfaced and not pass out"

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(585): View more from New York

Obviously a higher power wants us to be sunday drunk together

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fun new game when high: sorting socks. Took forever. Was awesome.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I can't believe I've come to a point in my life where sex for a birthday present is acceptable

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah that's what i said...you fucked him and peed on his comforter

(323): View more from California

yeah well...Like any great yacht, I leave a wake

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Apparently, my drunken 3AM idea of safety is to send a GPS map of my location to someone 700 miles away. Seriously considering death as a viable alternative to this hangover. Death or Yuengling.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

They have a booking log online so i can just check that instead of call

(906): View more from Michigan

Technology: making bailing your sister out easier since 2008

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(614): View more from Ohio

my bowl and the doses are under your mom's passenger seat

(614): View more from Ohio

repeat: THERE IS LSD AND THC IN YOUR MOM'S CAR. HELP ME HELP US AVOID FELONIES

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(330): View more from Ohio

hey, you wanna get together over coffee or something?

(614): View more from Ohio

is this code for 'i just got broke up with and i need a sympathy dicking'?

(330): View more from Ohio

how did you know?

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(408): View more from California

You were running around drunk in a Toga chasing the frat's Husky. Of course they remember you.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You'd think, but when you nail one sorority sister, you might as well have nailed them all.

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(323): View more from California

well I was pissed. first he yelled at me for having my own condoms, then he got mad when they didn't fit him. Dude, I only fuck magnum men.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm the fucking queen of sexting. I just made a blowjob sound so poetic I'm wishing I were a guy just so I could blow me. Learn from me.

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(360): View more from Washington

he said he wished i had balls so he could kick me in them. then we had sex obviously

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(831): View more from California

My clothes are covered in blood and I feel like I drank a gallon of elephant cum...it's safe to say I'm hungover

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

And then you proceeded to sneak behind thee bar and hold up an empty bottle of vodka and scream LOOK WHO THE BARTENDER IS NOW BITCH!

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(907): View more from Alaska

Crazy how fast a room full of drunk teenagers sober up when someone breaks his parents' new flat screen

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I remember just enough about last night to wish I didn't remember anything.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, you avoided her at all costs. And then she shoved her tits in your face

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(360): View more from Washington

It was that same situation where "cuddling on the floor" was actually just code for "rough shameful hate sex" hahaha.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Have you ever noticed that the cities in car commercials look really futuristic?

(707): View more from California

...did you eat that brownie?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Not sure how I feel about St Psts and March Madness being on the same weekend. I feel like I've been screwed out of a drunk holiday.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like i got punched in the cervix. he's a little different in bed than i thought he would be..

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm not sure that our 12-years-ago-high-school-"relationship," and 179 texts in the last 4 hours is gonna be enough to squeeze a naked smartphone picture of me. I'm gonna need some chicken wings or Makers Mark before that starts happening.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Fair warning, if I start singing "Kiss Me, I'm Shitfaced" at any point tomorrow, just go with it

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(212): View more from New York

When I take mushrooms I can feel your presence down there. I can feel where Africa is too.

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(360): View more from Washington

Jacob lost his virginity in a threesome. I am deffs fucking this kid.

(360): View more from Washington

DURING A THUNDERSTORM ON HIS BIRTHDAY.

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(310): View more from California

you really cant fit homeless dj into your budget? doubles as charity

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I pretended I didn't remember seeing him hookup with that freshman, and he pretended he didn't remember seeing me hookup with that old guy. We have a beautiful and unawkward friendship.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Dad, is it in any way illegal for me to run around throwing handfuls of lucky charms at people tomorrow?

(613): View more from Ontario

you're kidding right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

I am wearing two different shoes and just swallowed my gum. Wake the fuck up and bang the bartender already.

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(434): View more from Virginia

On a scale of 1 to 3, with 1 being the smallest and 3 being the largest, what size nipple pasty do you think I am?

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(616): View more from Michigan

I'm going to keep a tally of how many lives I ruin this summer. Starting today.

(616): View more from Michigan

Already at 3 and it's not even noon.

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(949): View more from California

That is true. Vodka is like a dog. Always loyal, warm, and there for you when you need it

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(305): View more from Florida

I don't drink so I see St. Patty's as an LSD type of day. Its like a more hardcore 420

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(515): View more from Iowa

They fucked on my pong table last St. Patty's and broke it. I feel like I should be hiding my new one. Would hate for a tradition to form.

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(904): View more from Florida

In lieu of flowers, please donate to The Hungover Children's Fund in my name.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just wish I could congratulate your tits on how much I love seeing them

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(589): View more from

This is the third time that ive slept with him. He bought me more milk. I can feel the romance growing.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are so many birds around me. And squirrels. I feel like that chick from Enchanted...but like if she had a dick and made poor life decisions.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We just started the day with vitamin bombs. Daily vitamin + whatever's left in your glass from last night = feel like a champion

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just can't deal with that sentence

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(518): View more from New York

We just had father kitten bonding time .. I was on the toilet , he was climbing the animal print shower curtain . It was magical�

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I am going to borrow your water/shock proof video camera for St. Pattys day so that if wake up next to the highway again I know why.

(303): View more from Colorado

Ok but I hold the right to any footage of you getting slapped, puking, anything with body shots, and allowed to make a montage of it to put on youtube.

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(210): View more from Texas

The last thing I remember was doing a line in the shape of Texas

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(251): View more from Alabama

Do you have any idea how horrifying it is to hear your sister and her husband fucking then immediately go down stairs only to hear your parents fucking....... I wish I was Hellen Keller right now.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

Girl just walked into the bar with a T-shirt that says "I'm not Irish, kiss me anyways." Target aquired.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I don't remember anything that happened last night past 10.. I made him buy me a Buckeye's Donut tshirt. I have no idea why he'd want to fuck me after that.

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(727): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is feeding country fried steak to my best friend in a bubble bath with my bare hands.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I swear to god, allah, buddah and motherfucking oprah winfrey... if I have to stay here any longer because you are holding us up I will choke you out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Tell her to buy some booze and drink away her sorrows like an adult.

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(254): View more from Texas

That's exactly how my pussy feels when I shave it. Like a cross between a naked mole rat and a newborn child. Embrace it.

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(325): View more from Texas

I fcuked ip.

(214): View more from Texas

Is this your way of telling me that you got drunk in your office before meeting with your dissertation advisor again? Or that you finally banged that freshman fraternity pledge?

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(706): View more from Georgia

six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.

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(432): View more from Texas

If you are drunk already, then as your friend I am advising you to stop writing on your dads Facebook wall

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We were just at different life stages. He wanted to get married and have kids, I wanted to take MDMA and fuck my roommate.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Guess the answer to the last 2 texts right and you'll get a boob shot tonight. Guess wrong and it will be a picture of a used, boogery kleenex.

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(224): View more from Illinois

That place is a DUI and an STD waiting to happen. I think I'll pass.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Don't worry we will all be making bad decisions soon

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's the most comforting thing I've heard in months

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(773): View more from Illinois

she asked him to cuddle cuz she was cold and instead he got up, moved the space heater to her side of the bed, and went back to sleep

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(810): View more from Michigan

I was going to make out with him...then he licked syrup off the kitchen floor.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Me too it's so nice. Debated studying out there but woulda been 90% babe-watching 5% flexing 3% studying and 2% talkin my boners down.

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(561): View more from Florida

I cooked you Mac and cheese when I was drunk and drugged. That counts for about 4 meals. Try harder

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mystery solved. Def had ice creme last night. There is a melted half eaten ice creme bar next to the bed. Which had melted onto my pillow. That explains why it was in my hair too. Im a fucking sherlock holmes over here.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Due to the events of st patties day last year I created a moral and ethical policy so that I won't get kicked out of the bar again. It mostly consists of not wearing pants so then I don't take them off at the bar.. and subsequently get kicked out.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cannot be this high in this house. This house has so many of my secrets in its walls.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I was at that stage of drunk where it seemed appropriate to just make out with everyone. As like a greeting.

(250): View more from British Columbia

I hear you

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(513): View more from Ohio

Seriously, it sounds like someone is torturing a dozen cats inside a Japanese techno club while a jamaican yells random hipster words through a megaphone.

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(585): View more from New York

remember when I told you about my grandma asking me about my sex scars? Less comfortable than that

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(519): View more from Ontario

I think I saw maybe 3 ugly girls the entire time we were there

(905): View more from Ontario

Yea its like that frat house was built to keep fat chicks out of parties

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(931): View more from Tennessee

there is a dorito bag in my car full of my mouth blood

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(913): View more from Kansas

I find it very uncomfortable that I need to ask you to stop sending me pictures of your stomach

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(209): View more from California

Just served breakfast to a bunch of hella drunk kids. They kidnapped the birthday boy for his 21st and he was wearing a disney onesy and bunny ears. They've been drinking since before dawn, why don't we have friends like that?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The black hole just entered the party man, I can literally see guys starting to move towards her.

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(847): View more from Illinois

told our landlord the hole in the wall was from your head during drunk sex..

(630): View more from Illinois

how did he take it?

(847): View more from Illinois

not as well as i would have thought

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Then, halfway through our conversation, I remembered what you drunkenly told me last night and was all "maintain eye contact, do not look at his massive penis".

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(209): View more from California

Ps there is nothing more humbling in the world than havin to watch cheaper by the dozen on the waiting room tv while getting the morning after pill at the drs. Nothing

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(585): View more from New York

Dude. That is just waaaay to much random to process after that tequila battle.

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(707): View more from California

At one point last night I over heard you say " I'm gonna puke in a bag and pour it down your throat" I LOVE YOU.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

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(248): View more from Michigan

In preparation for st patty's day I finally had a shamrock shake, and I invested in an app that will apparently keep me from drunkenly texting you pictures of my tits this weekend. Please let me know if you want to not be put on the "forbidden" list!

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(720): View more from Colorado

Dude he was a used car salesman for his friends' penises. I know I have something here that's right for you!

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im cutting you off tonight ONE boy at a time

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(310): View more from California

we've had our differences but let's set them aside, go home and fuck

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(207): View more from Maine

Just took last nights make up off with a sock. That hungover.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you're expensive. Idk about all this. What happened to free make outs?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Sobriety and mild self-respect

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(567): View more from Ohio

She was covered in mud grabbed my crotch and said see that handprint that means I called dibs

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(514): View more from Quebec

can you just act like it's not so easy to get a blowjob from me??

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(954): View more from Florida

You never cared about felonies while buying me alcohol from the little Asian woman across the street

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(415): View more from California

We're stoned and watching little Einstein videos. Come. Over. Now.

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(260): View more from Indiana

It turns out tequila bombs is really code for straight shots of tequila…who would have guessed?

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(253): View more from Washington

When did it become appropriate to call your mother the morning after? While still naked in bed? WHEN?!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dads not up on pop culture but he's not dumb enough to believe your 2 girls 1 cup reference at dinner was from the bible.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We team puked and then made sex like wild monkeys. If that isn't love, I don't know what is.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I broke up with him in the bar & then asked him if he wanted to have a contest to see who gets the most numbers. I say I took that break up well

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm in a bed full of sand, and also just took my contacts out. Whatever happened yesterday was great, I think.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I just ran into the married chick you banged 2 years ago at our apt! She asked me if I could get her coke! Memories bro. Memories

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Would I be bad if I bought a pregnancy test at shoppers the same time I hand in a resume? Or do you think it would get me the job?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Sweet. I'm actually coaching my work study into a 4-girl orgy so dinner was kinda important. Yes, I'm the best boss ever.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I woke up and he used my makeup to write "hope you don't get pregnant" on my mirror before he left

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(406): View more from Montana

Zip lining have a big frozedn drink with 151 rum chippendale pic life is GREAT

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(212): View more from New York

Nothing says never again like hurling in the shower.

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(248): View more from Michigan

If shame burned calories, I'll be back to my birth weight by the end of this weekend.

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(509): View more from Washington

Thanks for bailing me out last night guys. it's bullshit that everbeering people at bars is illegal. bitches have no sense of adventure anymore

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(660): View more from Missouri

I wish my brain had a "congrats you just defeated the munchies" notification!

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You know you're at a low point when you're sucking vodka out if your hair.

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(214): View more from Texas

She only spoke Russian, but she was so gorgeous it didn't matter

(214): View more from Texas

Oh. I think she ate all the cake and took our vodka...still gorgeous.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Told him I'd blow him in the bathroom. There was a giant window everyone was looking thru. He whipped it out n I burst out laughing n walked away. Even blackout drunk I set the bar high. You should be proud.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Would you wanna look up as you cum and for a split-second see your dad?

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(802): View more from Vermont

He recognized me by my ass from about 15 yards away. I must have a REALLY nice ass.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Hahahahahahhajahahahahajajjajahjahahajahahajajahahahajjajajahahjajajajajahahahajjjajajaahhahhahahahahahahahaha dominos taxi

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(785): View more from Kansas

Bro what are you doing Thursday the day before I go to jail??

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(541): View more from Oregon

You were a path of destruction, you started with eating half the cake, proceeded by throwing the rest in the sink and dumping water all over it while laughing... then throwing the drunk helmet across the room yelling that you didnt want to wear it... i'd say it was a successful birthday.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My feelings are currently in a sea of vodka and "I don't give a shit"

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

Aren't they always?

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(816): View more from Missouri

Currently shopping online for cardboard cutouts of various horror characters. That should teach me roommates to stop taking acid on Tuesdays.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I guess I made wings because there's chicken everywhere. Even on the walls. 3 of them. It's like a chicken grave yard.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I've liked him since I puked on him on my birthday so I want it to be special.

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(914): View more from New York

You always have that cute deer in the headlights look. Thats what made showing you my penis for the first time so disconcerting.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Are you high right now?

(1-228): View more from Mississippi

is that a question or a drake reference?

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(720): View more from Colorado

my mom went out and bought me new sheets and redecorated my room. its like she's more excited for me to get laid tomorrow for the first time in two months than I am.

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(562): View more from California

it was like vegas minus all of the penis and death threats

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(518): View more from New York

I've wasted nicer days than this hungover and dry heaving in bed.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Not sure why, but I was running back and forth across the road. Cab hit me and gave us a free ride home.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.

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(210): View more from Texas

the only thing you and i have in common is the we like weed and looking at my naked body.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Waking up next to a 3 inch puddle of water in my kitchen with a bathing suit on...what the fuck went on lastnight

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.

(817): View more from Texas

I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot

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(706): View more from Georgia

He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

There's a man in a pumpkin/reaper outfit advertising a new head shop outside the Taco Bell. I love this town.

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(+61): View more from Australia

For the first time ever I'll be using my lunch break to pass out cold on my desk. We've gotta stop having these late night drinking things on Sundays

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(807): View more from Ontario

I just found my "random bang list for summer of 2012" that I wrote last night.. It's written on a Plan B receipt. If this isn't irony I don't know what is.

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(210): View more from Texas

Omg. The nephews found my stripper pole. The scary part is theyre good at it.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just saw him carrying his little sister while walking his puppy. And he was shirtless. I swear my ovaries just exploded

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(801): View more from Utah

Dude. There's gotta be an article in Cosmo about it cause I've had three different girls tongue tickle my brownie this month.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Skip school. Seven hour blow job Plus Disney movies. Day of champions

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(330): View more from Ohio

BTW waking up to a picture of you taking a shot of what I can only assume was shitty lukewarm liquor out of a blow up dolls butt made my day

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(513): View more from Ohio

We got baked and watched the cheetah girls on Netflix

(1-513): View more from Ohio

You need to not admit that.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My hickies are dark enough that I can feel drivers judging me from across an intersection

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(225): View more from Louisiana

And drunk me decided to play keep away with sober me's dignity�

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(707): View more from California

Definitely want to eloquently cunt punt those bitches thru the field goals of life.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Why is there a chicken nugget nailed to my front door?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ok I have to ask, whose idea was it to used crushed up norcos as margarita salt? And what did they say to convince everybody else to think it was a good idea?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Note to self: last nights makeup does NOT, under ANY circumstances, look good today.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I wish dancing around my house in my bra and underwear to Love Shack whilst eating strawberry cake batter was an acceptable form of exercise.

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(914): View more from New York

What are you wearing tonight?

(510): View more from California

The colors of the winddddddd

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(217): View more from Illinois

how is telling me how long you drunkenly fucked someone supposed to make me miss you?

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(310): View more from California

Your texting shows a blood alcohol level of .12

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(302): View more from Delaware

I woke up to a head of lettuce on my nightstand, someones Honda abandoned in my yard, the cat partially shaved, and a empty bottle of sailor hanging by a scarf from the rafters. Oh, and 26 people apparently came though and rubbed my back in the process of the night. Happy 23rd to me!

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(630): View more from Illinois

When we were done making out, some guy ran into the room yelling, "I'll save you Brandon! I'll save you!"

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(858): View more from California

Exactly. So you're exempt under the "I can't just fuck her to make it go away" clause of 2010.

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(602): View more from Arizona

If you're receiving this text it's probably because I drunkenly flashed you on Saturday. Sorry for forcing you to look at my tits. That was uncalled for.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He dodged my hug and greeted me with a fist bump. I slept with him the night before. The only thing worse would have been a greeting by chest bump.

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(706): View more from Georgia

they superglued a cigarette to my fingers...i think I need to quit smoking.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Bitch, I been tryna reach you all day to talk to you about these Dorito tacos.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Day #3 of being the only sober person at the bar. This is depression.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Whore. There is deli meat in my wallet.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Ok I'm good with that cause I'm gonna disappear for 90 days

(1-308): View more from Nebraska

Are you goin to rehab again?

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(510): View more from California

but I'll probably watch some porn later so it's not a complete waste of a Saturday night.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.

(612): View more from Minnesota

His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tip of the day: Don't ever send a bootycxall at 3 in aftnoon. No one will respond n u'll just feel fooolish.

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(916): View more from California

Need. Hospital. Physically am floating.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Did you Fuck minivan and her friend last night?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Please God, is a penis possibly making it to vagina town to much to ask for tonight.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

The worst thing about it is now I have to find someone else to fuck in the library.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think we've had way too many heart to hearts in the Mc Donalds parking lot for this to be a healthy relationship

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I am drunk. Riding an elevator. You can smell the beer. Doctor on with me just smiling at me... He agrees, fuck cancer.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Let's learn from last year: Leave the handcuffs at home on St Patrick's Day.

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(305): View more from Florida

You would be too ashamed to ever love me again if you saw the filth I just created. It brings unspeakable dishonor to the nacho dynasty. Like I raped the king's daughter, cut off her hands and made him eat them that's how hard I fucked up nachos.

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(540): View more from Virginia

AND BY FEELINGS I MEAN VODKA

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(501): View more from Arkansas

eta to your mouth 5 minutes

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm eating crumbled blue cheese out of Tubbaware. My life is nothing.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I still have his teeth marks on the base of my penis. You didnt miss much

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(310): View more from California

I passed out drunk and Jane had created a picnic on my chest. I had chips and a hamburger laid out on my boobs. The only reason I woke up is she was trying to feed me too.

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(415): View more from California

It's hard being an adult. And by that I mean it's hard to tell the boy you like who rejected you that you can't share a room with him at white party because you don't want to see him bang other boys.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I hope they realize that to me "collecting their mail" is synonymous with "fucking in every room in their house, and twice in the party shower."

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just woke up in bed, rolled over, and found a whole pizza.

(216): View more from Ohio

this is the second day in a row.

(330): View more from Ohio

Oh. Yeah. It's the same pizza then.

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(916): View more from California

I just wrote "where Jason is" on the screen. He guessed "hospital" correctly.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Fuck I keep finding new battle scars from our fight. Justin told me I stabbed you with a broom handle.. Do you remember ripping my pants off?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I tried to sit on a barstool last night...it was an open trashcan.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Listen to my proposal.... I feed you crackers while I fuck you ever so gently.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

theres a new barista at starbuck holy fuck she's hot

(617): View more from Massachusetts

i want to face-plant into her vagina

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(831): View more from California

im starting to recognize places in this city by where i have drunkenly peed in public

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(818): View more from California

I'm about to pick up E from underneath a random doormat.......how is this remotely normal?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

it was good sex until i became a rubber doll and he became a jack hammer, so i guess overall it was good

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just brushed my teeth. In the car. With watered down Sprite. From Saturday. Multi-tasking at its finest.

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(760): View more from California

just walked into the study room and found an empty bottle of vodka and a passed out freshman. Did you have anything to do with this?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ill give you food and tequilla and penis and joy

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I am self-sufficient. I puked in a wine glass and emptied it in the trash. Points for style and neatness

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(847): View more from Illinois

there is a video of me from last night trying to light my breath on fire. that drunk.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I went online and donated $30 to his walk-a-thon as a "sorry I puked in your bed last night"

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(562): View more from California

When I left you were in the shower in your socks throwing up screaming it was blood but it was "ok" cuz it's recyclable. By the way it was kool aid.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just yelled at a bunch of girl scouts for yelling "cookies" to loudly. That hungover

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I found my bra. It's in my glove compartment with a half-eaten Snickers bar and a Jesus bookmark.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Saturday morning. Went into a study room excited b/c some1 had left a paper w/ an inspirational quote: YOU ARE cApable of aChieving anything yoU waNT. Then I read the bold letters.....

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(406): View more from Montana

Things I have learned since the start of my first college spring break: do not fart in an enclosed space (such as a shower stall) when hungover. You will throw up. More lessons to follow as week continues.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I would ask what did you do but I feel like who did you do is probably more appropriate

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"

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(214): View more from Texas

So my niece decided to play "lets make shapes out of your bruises" with me and told me that one of them looks like a shark bite. Bravo, sir. Bravo.

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(229): View more from Georgia

As I type I'm climbing my cousins swingset so I can take a nap inside the slide. Fuck this hangover. I always win.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We dared each other to drink Arbor Mist, and I waterboarded someone with tequila.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How could you give up sex for lent? I gave up religion for lent years ago and never looked back. Or give up civility, not sex.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

They called it unicorn pee, and i thought that was interesting so i drank it. Please don't let me drink strangers booze again.

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(914): View more from New York

Completely smashed, masturbating to the view of the ocean. Family vacations are more tolerable than I thought

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(301): View more from Maryland

Sex on roller skates

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Floating mattress

(301): View more from Maryland

Tie

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think drinking vodka, rum and sourpuss out of a water bottle, in a class that isn't even mine rude?

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(619): View more from California

Nothing says walk of shame like leather pants in daylight

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

rolling absolute tits, turn on the red lights for when i get home.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

My only downfall is that I can only take shots in twos.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

we should look into getting a golf cart for the weekend. i have a feeling legs wont be a sufficient source of transportation.

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(925): View more from California

Ahahhahaha I'm not that stupid but then again I thought cabo was in Africa until yesterday

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(941): View more from Florida

I'd like to thank you fucktards for dumping the WHOLE box of Tricuits in my bed after I passed out.

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(315): View more from New York

I asked if he wants to help me spring forward at 2am on Sunday. He seems down.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Yeah he got kind of mad when he found out he had chased his last two shots with a combination of orange soda, water, and used mouth wash.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

She woke me up with an urgent call telling me she was rolling on Mollie and swimming in the ocean. I mean that's just great. If she drowns, I'll feel responsible.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Say hello to your nephew Sir Isaac Meriwether van Catsworth

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

I'm going to have to start taking your phone after ten. That's when all the cat pictures come

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(302): View more from Delaware

Dude you're alone at a bar with a woman, and you're talking about my junk?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I command you to take a shot and dance like the pretty little gay boy you are.

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(917): View more from New York City

Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I want to get my vag crammed with complete loss of every bit of dignity I have left by this man from every angle on every flat surface that exists. That is all.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I love her to death but its like you have to do 5 lines of coke to be on her level.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you're a fucking everclear ninja. the whole goddamn formal blacked out. you're the worst dj ever

(509): View more from Washington

but I'm the best friend ever. I got you laid

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(641): View more from Iowa

Just for the record its a bit awkward when you introduced me to your friends at your house as your brother and then insisted in front of them that I sleep in your bed with you

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(804): View more from Virginia

Well that's another check off the sexual bucketlist of things I never wanted to experience.

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(210): View more from Texas

It was insane. I was drunk for 11 consecutive hours. I woke up covered in almonds and there were footprints all over my shirt

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(914): View more from New York

I'm cuddling with a baby pig and drinking champagne right now.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

My stomach literally has no contents left. Tequila cleanse=success.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I hooked up with a 20 year old last night. I feel like a hocus pocus witch that sucked life from a child.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Speaking of testosterone. I saw a girl with a moustache thicker than one I can grow last night...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i'll booty call him tonight after the radiohead concert, that way he can see his favorite band and his favorite vagina all in one night.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How was your 8:30 class today?

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

Non existent. I just threw up in my water bottle on the bus.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Being home sucks. I haven't drank in like a week. Or smoked cigs. Or done drugs. Or had sex. My body is shutting down.

(803): View more from South Carolina

Omg. It's like you're one of those deprived kids living in a third world country. We need to save you.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Ya well here is the deal with last night, it was the Biggest shit show we have ever co-stared in.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I cannot tell if the couch is cold or I spilled beer. THAT kind of night.

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(509): View more from Washington

HOW DID YOU GET DEPORTED FROM THE BAHAMAS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Someone fucked up, the stop Kony day is on 4/20,

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(208): View more from Idaho

It's like we come as a package. Your slogan should be "be in my family, sleep with my roommate."

(1-208): View more from Idaho

My slogan can be "bonding the family together. One dick at a time."

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(585): View more from New York

Yea, I had a chaperone thankfully. I'm in the fetal position attempting to eat captain crunch now.

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(515): View more from Iowa

P.S. It's common courtesy to let the girl your banging know if she's about to walk into the same place your girlfriend is at so she can get her poker face ready

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(719): View more from Colorado

As I am reading this. I'm standing in my underwear eating taquitos. I'm saying this in the most loving way possible: FUCK OFF.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

fun fact: in my eskimo family tree i am the only brunette

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(720): View more from Colorado

So you met him?

(1-720): View more from Colorado

More like I walked in on him, drunk, naked, and doing "bathtub yoga". Please stop bringing your dates home.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I've woke up in his bed 4 out of the past 6 mornings. I feel like this might be the time to learn more about him then his first name and what kind of beer he drinks.

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(713): View more from Texas

It's like getting ready for my vaginas own execution

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(516): View more from New York

perfect irony that i'm celebrating international women's day with a yeast infection

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(206): View more from Washington

Ummm Im the uneducated alcoholic of the group... if I say its a bad idea, its probably a bad idea.

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(+61): View more from Australia

we drunk the bar out of liquor so the guy was selling us bottles of wine for $2a each. Only good thing to come outta this flood

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(914): View more from New York

Have you seen Dave? He's not on top of the bar anymore but I found his shirt.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm just going to say , cocktail races are not for a Wednesday night maybe not even a Friday type of deal

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I'll have my hookups make my March Madness picks. Win my bracket, win my heart. That's how it works right?

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(817): View more from Texas

Just heard the words 'Pussy Riot' on NPR...I almost crashed my car.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Smoked a topless bowl this morning. For International Women's Day. Quite liberating.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm in charge of his party but you're a paramedic, we're both needed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it wasn't sex so much as.....a disastrously uncomfortable sexual experience

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(847): View more from Illinois

i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero

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(586): View more from Michigan

Today's work quote "if I looked like you, I'd be sitting on everyones face"

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(816): View more from Missouri

I feel like the only phrases I can clearly speak while drunk consist of: i'm fucking drunk, chug, and shots

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's currently upstairs fucking her boyfriend while I am downstairs making them a sex playlist watching her boyfriend's Weiner dog and large Boxer try and mount each other. Marvin Gaye is playing. This is the ultimate third wheel fail.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I will give you all my nachos to make this happen

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(217): View more from Illinois

i cant wait to be back in my element of drunk, on a barstool, ive missed home

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(623): View more from Arizona

Im blowing my nose and the only thing coming out is beer

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm venturing to your corner of this sin house in t minus 2 minutes.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Not going to lie- I'm a little freaked out camping right now. This is one of those high activities you don't do by yourselves...or close to bears

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We didn't talk. I watched you drop an egg on the floor. And watched you praise your haunted broom.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I'm like the kid who wants his birthday and christmas equally. Every time I get one I want the other. Only I don't want holidays I want brothers

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want to know what horrible accidents of evolution allowed that tiny penis to exist

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(585): View more from New York

I came in your room, you looked at me and said "I fucked up" and then some kid showed up and took you to the hospital

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(605): View more from South Dakota

She just asked me if I was looser "in the vagina" than her. While gyrating.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Just realized that St. Patty's is on a Saturday this year in case you were interested in coming to New York and redefining bender with me.

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(740): View more from Ohio

There's a stoned dwarf chilling in the basement here. Maybe there are redeemable qualities about this place.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the intervention consisted of my aunt taking me to chuck-e-cheezs and telling me that this was my future - either as a mom or as a waitress - unless i stopped fucking around.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did she buy you pizza?

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(623): View more from Arizona

Then I hope you find a set of extremely intelligent, flexible triplets in the ethnicity of your choice.

(1-623): View more from Arizona

That is the nicest thing anyone has ever wished for me

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(618): View more from Illinois

His IQ level must rival that of a comatosed aardvark.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I woke up five hours later with a mouthful of Jimmy John's while clinging to my sandwich.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Pot head idea of the day: make a maraca out of weed seeds. Or a rain stick? Definitely rain stick.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm 25 and she is 19. She wants to practice blowjobs on me because of my stamina. Not only does the GI bill pay for me to go to school I am teaching a freshman blowjob course. I love Texas.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

woke up to see a man wearing a sailor hat and covered in vomit sneaking out the door. Epic night indeed.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I got woken up by a construction worker, turns out I was laying in a hallway, naked and wrapped in a matress pad. To answer your question no, I did not study for this test I got David Hasselhoff drunk

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(916): View more from California

I'm making myself a nametag with my contact info and pinning it to myself like a kindergardenter in case I get lost when I black out on Sat.

(1-916): View more from California

Can we laminate it? Just to be safe.

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(509): View more from Washington

He acted like he was sleep fucking because I woke up to him screwing me in the middle of the night and he had is eyes closed and was mumbling things the whole time and wouldn't respond to me.

(425): View more from Washington

Is that even possible?

(509): View more from Washington

I called him by the wrong name to test him and he instantly stopped, rolled over and acted like he was still sleeping...I think he might break up with me tomorrow.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I was to tired to jerk him off, so he made me hold it while he thrusted into my hand.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Dude, so the police showed up at my house with my wallet told me they found it in the church fountain then handed me a pamphlet on AA saying it was from the pastor. What happend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I drunk dialed my ex-boyfriend last night. He was sitting next to my new boyfriend. Shoot me in the face.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Dude i swear to christ if he sends me one more pic of a "magnificent dump" im changing my number

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(301): View more from Maryland

people in the room actually applauded when we discovered you had the ability to somehow throw up on your own back

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(845): View more from New York

Can we talk about the fact that I plucked weed off your ass this morning like it's a normal thing to do?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

And I would just like to take the time to say my boobs look great today.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Bonus points if the penis has a little hat too

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(520): View more from Arizona

Our date was amazing and I would like to reward you with a blow job under your desk.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

I can pencil you in at 3:30

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(760): View more from California

You know you're a whore when you color code your calendar with who you slept with on what day incase you have ANOTHER pregnancy scare

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

So the night ended when we tried making fireworks out of gunpowder and oregano. You can figure out how that went.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I needed a test subject that didn't know any of my friends so that if i screwed up no one would really know or spread rumours about how it was the worst bj ever

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(425): View more from Washington

It's only Tuesday and I just measured and checked to see if my 6'5 Friday booty call will fit in the back of my jeep comfortably.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Realistically anyone can come I don't care it's Boston what do I own boston? No. I just don't want people who are gonna give me "why are you doing that" kinda look when I take birthday shots out of my birthday babe shot glass necklace.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the parade is in 5 days. put your big boy pants on and come to beer training. time to build your tolerance. i can't have you passing out in a bush with a cape on again this year.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I'm not drinking anymore...and by that, I mean until St. Patrick's Day.

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(812): View more from Indiana

last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.

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(516): View more from New York

Bro, she used the potato bongs to make French fries after. She's deff a keeper.

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(251): View more from Alabama

THAT IS NOT SOMETHING YOU TELL SOMEBODY THE FIRST TIME YOU MEET THEM IN THE DARK.

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(407): View more from Florida

the cab driver asked if you were our mom. you definitely shouldn't have tipped him so much.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm laying here naked in a pile of empty landshark bottles, is lauren still hiding under the toilet?

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(845): View more from New York

Holy walk of shame. Fuck someone's house. I walked past a family eating their free continental breakfast wearing yesterday's makeup

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(858): View more from California

I don't want to die alone with cake watching shows about cake

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(209): View more from California

His best friend's cat died so we had a drunken burial ceremony on the side of his condo at 2am and I'm pretty sure if anyone gets ahold of the video feed from Martini Monday we're all fired.

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(714): View more from California

She twisted her ankle and paid a homeless guy for a piggy back ride home from the bar.

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(310): View more from California

What are you doing St Patricks day? I'm banned from all work parties with open bar ever since the cinco de mayo party that I dumped a drink on my co-workers head and played air guitar on my boss' ankle cast.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I pull out like 90% of the time, but that's just to make art.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

One my way home. There was too much fog, strobe lights, and cocaine for my taste.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I might have been fine if i had magic teleportation powers and could have skipped the car ride between bar and home

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Lube is flammable

(404): View more from Georgia

Who is this??

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(630): View more from Illinois

They installed a lotion dispenser in the bathroom at work... its like they want me to masturbate on the clock...

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(303): View more from Colorado

Bro, there is a rent-a-cop selling syringes out of the trunk of his car. This is why I hate the DMV.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Liquid roulette time! Black Mystery Cups are filled with either ipecac, whiskey, or NyQuil. Let's have fun

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(316): View more from Kansas

I just threw up over a bridge. I didn't even know there was a bridge in this town. Vodka is like a transportation device.

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(408): View more from California

Please come back. She just stuck her bloody band-aid to Zach's face, has a fire extinguisher, and is talking about tornados hiding.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

remind to leave next time the words "tequila" and "challenge" are shouted

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(626): View more from California

wait, how does the 20 year old one night stand pregnant girl have a superiority complex?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

It's end St Patricks day. I'm gonna need a leash. And a bib. And a rain check on anything considered dignifying.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

next photo in the 'cherished memories' series- Jess's bed. Note the vomit actually UNDER the pillows. shes a genius.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

i have two emotions: emotionless and blind with rage

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(907): View more from Alaska

Well, he's moving. Now my only options are to accept it or fake a pregnancy; and since you are my only pregnant friend I'm going to need you to pee on this stick for me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Besides the flaccid incident, it was decent. Average sized. So this is my life now. Loneliness and lackluster sex.

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(661): View more from California

Oh god. It's like a broken faucet. My guts sound like a bilge pump clogged with golf balls and cake frosting.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just remembered that I did shots out of a gay mans crotch. And there's someone saved in my phone as "Miranda knows where my car is"

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(455): View more from

As I was brushing his cum out of my hair he looks at me and says "it happens to me all the time."

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(914): View more from New York

Oh god. Standing was a rash decision

(847): View more from Illinois

I made it to Starbucks to do work and I've just been sitting here with my head on the table for 30 minutes...

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(813): View more from Florida

Haha jealous. If I could remember my dreams I'm pretty sure they would constantly be about being drunk in foreign countries

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Haha...we lost by one cup to a guy w shitty facial hair. What makes me most mad abt the loss is that I could grow a better beard on my vag.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Sitting on the curb by new england comics with a weeping drunk girl who's eating french fries saying she'll never be as successful as her sister the hand model. She's scaring the nerds.

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(214): View more from Texas

Can one of you do me a favor? Light a match and throw it into my room. Bc I'm certain I would rather be burned to death than live in this hell I call my life

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember having a cowboy explain his belt buckle to me in the bathroom hallway

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(330): View more from Ohio

Did i mention i'm like the equivilent of a prepubescent boy suffering from preejaculacy? I just about creamed my pants when he grabbed my hand..

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(802): View more from Vermont

You want anything?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Gatorade and you naked.

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(623): View more from Arizona

Oh shit I just realized the ropes are still tied to the bedposts

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(631): View more from New York

Come over so we can hookup and eat tacos. Those are 2 things you can't possibly turn down.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Did I actually say goodbye last night or did I just poison you with vodka and disappear?

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(224): View more from Illinois

you took the tequila shot and then procceded to eat the lime..we told you to spit it out but you just straight face kept chomping

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(239): View more from Florida

No way. Every time you have sex with him you'll end up staring into those eagle eyes and stop mid-orgasm.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's like I just got slapped in the face with the cock of nostalgia.

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(419): View more from Ohio

The Russian stripper asked if I like foreign girls. I told her I absolutely fucking hate accents. Most awkward 7 minutes ever

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That was nice of you. Thank you for respecting the fact that I got cockblocked by a sophomore last night.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. I knoww what ur thinking. Yes, your hand hurts. It's because you fell through a window. If and when you wake up, go to the hospital.

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(313): View more from Michigan

#1- I went to button my shirt only to find they were all mising. #2- I'm so fu@king sore I feel like I was sweating to the oldies all night. #3- this pounding headache I have, I blame solely on Jennifer. Everyone sounds like Billy Mays when they talk. I remember nothing from last night, I'm concerned.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well I think it's fate. Considering march is my fave month because it's my birthday and st. Patrick's day. And his name is Patrick. I'm sleeping with him all through march. No question.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Sooo the theme of my 21st is rapidly becoming Gay Mexico

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(775): View more from Nevada

We just reached that moment of the night when you start making cookie quesadillas. Party on Wayne

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(201): View more from New Jersey

she's traveling up the coast with her camera and a stash of pot cookies eating food from different campuses. said she slept in a closet 2 states away last nite... of course I'm interested

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(561): View more from Florida

well I have to shit but I'm too hungover to push, and I snorted advil so I wouldn't have to swallow it and throw up.. hungover is an understatement.

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(240): View more from Maryland

This weekend has taught me that sometimes, being buried under a mattress is the safest place in the room.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I did too many shots and now a kitten is trying to eat my bagel.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

found out that hot proper business chick in my class A) did a bar crawl last 2 night and still showed up to class and B) is 19 and C) so not as proper as I thought D) is single. How the fuck does that work? Freaking superwoman.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just pulled a piece of cookie out of my bra in the middle of class. I'm forever alone.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Believe me. As soon as the boss man is out the door. I am on my way to wow your vagina with my horse-like attributes.

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(360): View more from Washington

You can cross "give someone a blow job while playing Colors of the Wind" off my bucket list.

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(208): View more from Idaho

so apparently going to a christian rock concert dressed as Jesus is horribly inappropriate.

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(712): View more from Iowa

We could be hammered at a childrens film. You failed me

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(224): View more from Illinois

Throwing up in the car while my mom drives, sister holds the bag & my dad holds my hair. This is how my family bonds.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk at a gay bar with my riding crop. God save the queens

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(718): View more from New York

Sat in the shower and reenacted the "Wiggle your big toe" scene from Kill Bill. THAT hungover.

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(310): View more from California

If there was a saddle on his sack, she would ride it.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I walked from the hotel to the club with a pint of tequila in my boot. Poured some in a homeless woman's mouth when she asked for change. I've hit rock bottom.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

God and karma are having a fucking field day with my body today.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told him I would only take his calls if he was dead, dying, capturing a midget, or buying me shots.

(334): View more from Alabama

I stand by my new policy.

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(224): View more from Illinois

My adult sexuality and some of the best memories of my childhood collided like a Pee Wee Herman wet dream.

(312): View more from Illinois

Elaborate

(224): View more from Illinois

Strip Mario-Kart

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(+65): View more from

Dear America, sometimes I miss your Everclear and its consequences.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I kind of learned that hotels are unnecessary. Boys will just take you home, but that's tough with a group. I believe in us, though.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I wanna give a stern lecture to whoever invented pants cause they are hard right now

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(310): View more from California

I'd like to say yes, but I nearly lost my shit when I assumed there was no back to my house. I am not strong enough for hallucinations.

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(325): View more from Texas

You know those creepy dolls that look like they are watching you from anywhere in the room? It was like that, but with his penis...

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(503): View more from Oregon

It's like all my brain cells are screaming at me.

(541): View more from Oregon

I'm dying.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Apparently drunk me was getting hit on and i wasn't into it so i shouted "Stupify" at him like i was fucking harry potter then went to the pizza place next to the bar and punted some guys pizza box out of his hands. :(

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(970): View more from Colorado

How do you feel?

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Like the devil himself shit me out, baked me into a pie, ate the pie, and shit me out again.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I don't think boys are aware how difficult it is to take a picture of your own ass.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When a girl says " I never would have come over if I knew I was getting kicked out at 7am." the correct response isn't "but think of how responsible you're being."

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found out my college boyfriend's nickname is actually a Dutch word for little cucumber.....it all makes sense now.

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(216): View more from Ohio

And we won't even have to pay the tab if we die AT the bar. So..win win.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

My drunk neighbor is arguing with a goose in his yard. This was the highlight of my day.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walls are thin & apartments are narrow so all the bedrooms are next to each other. Our complex could compete in synchronized orgasms.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover I literally am considering drinking from the fishtank to avoid getting out of bed.

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(441): View more from Bermuda-Carib

You don't have a penis so I'm not texting you at this hour. This is penis texting hour only.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Don't make it weird, I don't think about you when I'm climaxing, it's just that I see you rooting me on.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i'm soo broke, the only trip i can afford for spring break is acid

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(304): View more from West Virginia

well I think it'll pretty much be gone by Saturday. On a scale of 1- Snooki's unborn child how much do periods freak you out?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

After you bought Jesus' name tag off him at the Mexican restaurant you commenced to stumbling around the lobby showing anybody who would listen what would Jesus do.

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

Stop giving me tequila.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

In college, I had one standard. Penis. A lot has changed since then. Now I really only have one standard. Breathing.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Accidentally gagged on my toothbrush and puked up a Walgreen's cheeseburger. 1) I am not going to be on top of my game tonight. 2) Since when do I have a gag reflex? 3) Walgreen's cheeseburgers are awesome.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

The countdown is at hand. We are 15 days from so much Jameson that names will be forgotten. Prepare your liver now or severe projectile vomiting will be the theme of the night.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Listen to me plotting my whoredom.

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(850): View more from Florida

Finally better. I had to use eye makeup remover to get the purple wine stains off my lips

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(214): View more from Texas

Only once have I found myself in the condom aisle holding a bundt cake...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You were fucked up like a footballbat trying to eat gum off your shoe. And that wasn't even the nights lowest point.

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(310): View more from California

Is it weird to say that getting an std with you was kinda romantic?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Solid teamwork gives us a good shout of both bringing home trophy cougs

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(410): View more from Maryland

Explain it like you would if you were talking to a 5 yo

(410): View more from Maryland

Wait no, like you would to a stoned high school freshman.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Woah there. I lasted a semester and a fourth of college not having sex. trust me when i say keeping my virginity was an obstacle course of olympic proportions.

(440): View more from Ohio

The virgin olympics. I would win the gold. For America.

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not remember tonight for the most part. This text will be evidence. You can and probably will use this against me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Just saw a huge group of people walk by in there in their underwear. Too stoned for this.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

please don't fuck her on my bed i'm too poor for laundry quarters

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(619): View more from California

I refuse to apologize. Any dick that comes that close to my face uninvited is gonna get bit

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He could have been a one armed faceless howler monkey. I was so slammered that I didn't care what I was having sex with or if whatever it was... was doing it right.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

playing nyquil roulette. it entails taking shots of nyquil and hoping it doesnt kick in during sex or in public. game on.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Worst walk of shame everrr. Hopefully the thought of me walking 20 minutes in the freezing cold with someone else's sweatpants, a bra on & high heels will cheer you up today.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Oh god there are people jogging. Fuck off productive people, you don't know me.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml

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(408): View more from California

I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I had 5 long islands and 2 alien brain hemorrhages…I am entirely certain that the "power hour to finish the night" idea was just too much.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The thing is that despite the high paying career and the increased responsibility, my life hasn't changed that much. Only instead of blacking out on $2 wells at some dive I blackout on top shelf martinis in a suit. Oh and only on Fri & Sat nights. Being 30 doesn't suck as bad as everyone led me to believe.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Well, I'm at the grocery store wondering whether I exist or not.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Found half of a five day old piece of pizza behind my dresser. Apparently it was drunkenly set there and got knocked down. It was such a happy reminder of last weekend.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

I found a cheeseburger next to my tub once. It's there to shame you, but it always just makes me feel more awesome.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think he's having people over to watch him get way too drunk again

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My hope for you over spring break is that you can be some disease free girl's random spring break mistake.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just saw an appointment in my phone called "it's been a month" I think I drunkly did that after I slept with Paul to remind myself to check if I got knocked up... I'm smarter drunk than sober.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

The cops just showed up and arrested her. It's our 2nd date. Do I have to hang out her with her 3 kids until she makes bail or can I leave?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

they call him the transporter because he'll be your designated driver in exchange for sufficient weed or sex.\n

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

what about money

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

no - he has a code he lives by

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(515): View more from Iowa

I knew it was a good Wednesday night when I woke up tucked in to NOT my own bed with my beer helmet, an empty bottle of Jose, and a trash can placed in front of my face.. Happy 20th!

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(518): View more from New York

I'm mumbling to people and trying not to accidentally shit my pants

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(661): View more from California

I just did a Kegel and my back popped. My vagina is a gift to penises everywhere.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...

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(409): View more from Texas

Michelle asked what I was wearing tonight. I responded with a g-string and plastic wrap. I've gotten no response since.

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(941): View more from Florida

You know i'm the father figure

(1-941): View more from Florida

Yeah the father who ate her out with me last night. Great dad

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no one was sober enough to set up jenga so we just threw the pieces at the last person to drink

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's a little cute, in a dorky, I-know-for-a-fact-his-cock-is-huge kind of way

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(618): View more from Illinois

I had to find out that I peed in the box of baby clothes from my mom, who found out from my grandma. New low.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Trust me. I don't get home before 5am. I know what Immmm doing. BTW bail money is in my closet. PEACE

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It's either my own vomit or popcorn butter in my ear right now. Banking on the second one.

(637): View more from

We made popcorn last night. So it's both

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(646): View more from New York

Only the gays. Guy gives me a handjob in the steam, then changes next to me under his towel

(773): View more from Illinois

Only the gays

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(618): View more from Illinois

I was short on money so I let my roommate mase me for $60

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(620): View more from Kansas

I either just got free sex or a nice jail sentence. Text me in 10 to verify.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

his teacher called to say he gave a girl on the playground a rock to touch his penis. proudest moment of my fatherhood

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(917): View more from New York City

he was very distressed by my statements that there could have been balls on shoulders without awareness

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(607): View more from New York

The number of injuries I get impersonating Shakira while drunk is getting ridiculous. Sprained vagina, dude.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Would you get mad if I held a "how many dick pics can you get in one night" competition with my friend?

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(419): View more from Ohio

HEAR YE, HEAR YE! BY ROYAL DECREE, I WILL BE KNOCKING ON YOUR DOOR AT 2PM UNLESS YOU GET THE FUCK UP. IT'S 1:50. CIGARETTE TIME, BITCH. I LOVE YOU.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Didn't know what to wear so I ripped off my bed sheets and tied myself a toga. "a little hungover" is no way to describe me right now.

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(+61): View more from Australia

This dude has my number from April last year. Drunk me left sober me a puzzle. No confirmation of pants off business

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(416): View more from Toronto

looking at my texts from you makes me want to throw up in my pants

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(678): View more from Georgia

I plan on being naked for at least 2/3 of the wedding.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up in an empty bathtub with the wrong brother

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(916): View more from California

No, she isn't nearly as crazy as the girl who wanted to wear a vial of my semen as a necklace.

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(719): View more from Colorado

the bruise you left on my ass looks like africa. the other just looks like a hand.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Luke did at least 8 shots of pure mayonnaise last night. I am not sure if that is better or worse than my 2 cement mixers?

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(616): View more from Michigan

If the cops knock on your door and ask if you saw anyone throw an orange out the window I was never there.

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(949): View more from California

I'm afraid you are becoming too bourgeois with your switch from boxed wine to bottled.

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(310): View more from California

OH MY GOD I CAN'T WAIT TO BONE YOUR EX BOYFRIEND. HOW AWKWARD IS THIS?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I mean it was like cry my eyes out or masturbate in my moms bathroom.

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(315): View more from New York

Step one go to argentina step two fuck bitches it's a simple plan really

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am too young to be this hungover

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Is this your way of saying you want a sober 19th?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

I mean, I thought you would respect me for turning your life around for the better. It seems just yesterday that I found you in a ditch with a cock in your mouth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

That was like me applying to a law school drunk at 5 am

(248): View more from Michigan

Hahaha. That's funny.

(847): View more from Illinois

But I got an 18k dollar per year scholarship

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(847): View more from Illinois

you left saying you wanted to "go piss on that girl's doorstep" and we didn't see you the rest of the night

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that actually explains a lot

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(805): View more from California

i got a standing ovation for bringing skittles to the party

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(503): View more from Oregon

It took him 5 seconds to cum and then he wanted to hold my hand all night

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(616): View more from Michigan

At some point tonight the bad ideas in my head became bad decisions that happened outside my head

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(573): View more from Missouri

I just sit in the cubicle for 8 hours and do keagles.

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(772): View more from Florida

I haven't gotten it in awhile but since spring break is next week I'm willing to have a pregnancy scare if it means no bleeding through the suit

(1-772): View more from Florida

Yeah wouldn't want it to interfere with beach sex. Nothing should interfere with beach sex

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I mean nobody wants to admit they ate 9 cans of ravioli but i did and i am not ashamed of myself

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(713): View more from Texas

I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...

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(813): View more from Florida

The last thing I remember is teaching our waffle house waitress to do the stanky leg and promising the grill cook we would come see him at his other job.

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(775): View more from Nevada

He brought a girl home so fat he called me before they got home to unlock the right side of the French doors

(1-775): View more from Nevada

Fuck he won the bet

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(573): View more from Missouri

Mcdonalds hasn't even finished serving breakfast yet and u two are getting drunk?

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(585): View more from New York

Someone just got kicked out of the mall for being dressed like a giant cat. I feel like this is in your future.

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(512): View more from Texas

ur not supposed to find someone to make out with when ur bf takes u to his SISTERS house to hang out with her and her husband

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(989): View more from Michigan

Codeine + Boredom = Sprinting between my front and back door.

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(440): View more from Ohio

We now know how the night ended in arrest according to the flip camera I did 10 handle pulls and beer bonged a 40. My life choices are getting worse and worse this is your fault.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Someone's having a good night if they're getting gummi bears and Astroglide.

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(818): View more from California

Eating my shrimp pasta on the porch with a 40, wearing a Hawaiian shirt, proclaiming "I GOT SCRIMPS." I just jumped the shark of college.

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(561): View more from Florida

I standby a snuggie being perfectly acceptable attire for drunkenly walking your dog at 5am. Our new neighbors did not seem to agree.

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(224): View more from Illinois

At this point the smell of shame has become my natural musk

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(817): View more from Texas

Yeah. It's a great diet plan tho. Just have sex every time you get hungry.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

just found a someones bra in what seems to be a mix of pickle juice and vodka in my fridge. Who was over here lately?

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(678): View more from Georgia

We found him sitting in a beach chair in the basement storage room passed out. Idk if we should move him or pass the bowl around.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Have you ever chugged beers in the hospital parking garage with your mom?

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(260): View more from Indiana

A houseboat for a bachelor party is a terrible idea, we nearly die when on dry land, so how the hell are we supposed to survive a 3 day binge on a massive lake?

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(516): View more from New York

Why i have shady connections. Owner just txt me asking to come by and judge the new stripper.

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(845): View more from New York

also found a pic of my head in the microwave from the other night.. hmm

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(971): View more from Oregon

Is it bad of me to apply as a night shift counselor at a boys orphanage purely because of how laid that would get me at bars?

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(360): View more from Washington

you left me with this keg alone. this is on your hands

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(613): View more from Ontario

I had to show the prof your text saying that I could pick up your midterm for you. I covered the part of the screen saying you weren't there because you were about to have morning choke sex.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Had to go to the urgent for a physical and I gave them my fake. Nurse was a sport though

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(479): View more from Arkansas

The fact that he just came out makes his Lent commitment to give up gay sex so much more meaningful now.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

other than the jail part I had a really good time with you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I feel bad for the cleaning lady. All you can smell is latex and Jaegermeister

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Don't ask me how or why, but I'm drunk with German diplomats. Come over. Now

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(305): View more from Florida

Today is leap day..... If that's not an excuse to blackout all day I don't know what is

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(+35): View more from

I remember all the people and all the acts I just have to match the person with the act

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(530): View more from California

My brother is wearing glitter eyeshadow and split leg skinny jeans

(530): View more from California

You've been usurped as King of the Gays

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(330): View more from Ohio

My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Finished sriting an apology letter to my liver 2 weeks before st. Patricks game on

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(949): View more from California

Alright dude i'm gonna go to go sleep off this soberness. my life is a cosmic joke

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom said she saw you at the bar last night and asked how you were. She said, you replied with, "Oh you know, just knocked up."

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

Figured I'd get right to the point

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I want him to be the Hulk to my Brooke Hogan this Halloween. Can I ask him to be my daddy this weekend?

(727): View more from Florida

Only if you say it like that.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Can you explain to me later why there's a pirate hat in my bathtub

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(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we didnt even have break up sex...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

you had it for us with someone else...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

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(971): View more from Oregon

I told them I was gay and asked them to pass the pie. I ruined pumpkin pie for grandpa.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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(503): View more from Oregon

They have beer in plastic boots. How am I supposed to resist that?

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(407): View more from Florida

Is it standard protocol to defriend someone after they give you chlamydia?

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh this totally just became legit. My "boss" is puking outside my car right now. I win again.

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(520): View more from Arizona

chasing shots of tequilla with sun chips. its doable but not recommended

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

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(602): View more from Arizona

69 |D_O

(1-602): View more from Arizona

wtf does that mean??

(602): View more from Arizona

it's a very specialized emoticon, means 'i heard you fucking some dude through my bedroom wall last night and so i listened intently"

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(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I fed him pizza in bed. I'm probably the best one night stand ever.

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(619): View more from California

I thought about puking over the balcony or the bathroom and figured the balcony seemed much funner.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I almost caused an explosion; It's okay though. because everyone would have died having a good time.

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(419): View more from Ohio

More importantly, he hasn't caught an STD yet. I mean I'd say it's luck, but at this point it has to be skill.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(612): View more from Minnesota

she just gave me a present from you... on a stripper pole. in front of the whole club. :)

(708): View more from Illinois

WHY ISNT THIS A PICTURE MESSAGE

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm naming my child veloci raptor. And you can be a part of its life if you want. But that's its name. Cause i have the vagina.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

he likes ron paul.... that's all i'm going to say....

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm not high anymore, I decide when it's done.

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(408): View more from California

So yes it WAS her period, NOT a nose bleed.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Things on my life to do list: hold a pound of marijuana. Check.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Being persistent has its perks my friend.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?

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(848): View more from New Jersey

I fell asleep next to my cousin and woke up with my hand in her pants because i though it was lisa

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(804): View more from Virginia

of course not. I do my best teaching on a hungover monday. I did the research. im still okay with the direction in which my life is headed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I vaguely remember trying to exfoliate my face with your leg hair. Sorry about that.

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(816): View more from Missouri

apparently dick flashing is a frowned upon sport here..... sorry girlfriends mom

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(619): View more from California

Yeah well my vagina has expectations too but they don't get met all the time.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

no, i swear. she uses a huge jagermeister flag as a sheet on her bed.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My roommate found me crawling down the hallway as she was on her way to her morning class. Its time for a new semester.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan

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(540): View more from Virginia

Note to self. Never fart in a tanning bed

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(740): View more from Ohio

This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Anne I just took two ambiens. I think my body is melting into my blow up bed. Like a stick of butter just slowly melting. And I'm alright. Don't be afraid. I'll be alright.

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(650): View more from California

It's 4th of July all over again, we were chasing with the pool water.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just found his boxers balled up inside my tights, hidden in my freezer. damn i love college.

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(805): View more from California

Don't feel too badly. Until twenty minutes ago my paper was a heading and a pizza order.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure he came before I knew he was inside me.. Didn't think that was his plan when he said he was gonna do things I've never experienced before

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(909): View more from California

We had to be out of the dorms at 730. Meeting started at 8. I woke up at 948. Drunk and covered in glitter.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I just got asked by a man in the alley if i would like to buy 50 dollars of meat for 20 bucks. Its been a weird day.

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(917): View more from New York City

I cockslap morals

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You did a line of free coke with an obese Slovenian unlicensed cab driver in the toilets of the most questionable strip club in the country. New low man.

(1+44): View more from

When you put it like that, I'm inclined to agree.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Maybe I don't remember every single thing... I think there's a hi lighter treasure map drawn on my arm...

(302): View more from Delaware

I just found it. I hope it leads to food.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He screamed for everyone to hide, unplugged the music, then talked to the cop. Last I saw he was high fiving him...

(1-317): View more from Indiana

He's the fucking cop whisperer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

it's kinda bad that we're already planning travel arrangements to his funeral

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know its been a few months but you must know you hve the 2nd biggest dick I've ever seen. 1st place went to a rapper so don't feel bad.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he was persistant. I supposedly owe him a bj from high school.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Covered in glitter and dick. 2010 feels a lot like 2009.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i knew he was a douchebag when his facebook activities were "ladeis," and "gettin crunk wit ladeis"

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(813): View more from Florida

for halloween i should be pregnant. what is scarier than that?!

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(734): View more from Michigan

you'd think with how big her nose is she'd have a better smelling pussy..

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(309): View more from Illinois

I was up until 12:30 making that damned grammar test for my freshmen then I caught myself running through the verb tenses when I was giving him head.

(309): View more from Illinois

"I have sucked, I will suck, I will have suck, I am sucking..." I've never felt more like a nerdier slut than last night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i think you shook his penis after he was done peeing.

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(789): View more from

You just kept walking around saying "my brain is soup" then sat on the kitchen counter washing your feet. You bit the guy that tried to help you down

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(847): View more from Illinois

Would a ten year old streaker be inappropriate?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

That's the stuff legends are made of

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm sorry but I have to break up with you. My wife is pregnant and can't have a girlfriend too.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just tell your wife to stay in the car because you are self conscious about drinking infront of her. Now you have a DD AND we can still have a good time.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

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(856): View more from New Jersey

this mix will be the most desperate cry for affection in the history of itunes.

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(207): View more from Maine

so when we were booking the hotel and plane tickets for vegas we reserved a chapel for someone, it's inevitable.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She said "I only hook up with guys I'm dating"

(678): View more from Georgia

So... What happend then?

(404): View more from Georgia

We dated for an hour, i broke up with her after. BOOM.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

my ex gf has sooo many hot friends... i feel like im at a grocery store when on her fb... just shopping around.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked by a road side game of beer pong? it's gonna be a long day

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(207): View more from Maine

i broke up with my boyfriend last night because i had to eat a freezy pop in every color and he ate the last blue one. i sat on the floor and cried for an hour at least. everyone left. so i decided that this whole weed thing isnt really healthy for my relationships.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.

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(641): View more from Iowa

yea i really dont care about the sex, i just want him to eat my vag. He has to be good at because of his tremors.

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(626): View more from California

I dont feel as bad coming home this baked because I gave my 14 year old sister a no drugs talk last night.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I blacked out and pissed all over the sliding glass door from the inside, as everyone watched from the outside helplessly....

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(208): View more from Idaho

New term. "Find a husband" fridays. It's like thirsty thursdays, but with a dowry.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure the only people calling it "sexting" are ones who don't actually do it

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I mean I woke up wearing my bathing suit which blows my mind

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(248): View more from Michigan

so sad. i just ate the last good 'n' plenty out of the bottom of my purse.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the trash is collected at 5:50 on mondays. i was up puking all night and heard them

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(843): View more from South Carolina

i study at coffee shops because all these damn artsy people motivate me to work towards a real job.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kind of looks like leonardo dicaprio...in whats eating gilbert grape

(617): View more from Massachusetts

wtf, did you fuck a retard?!

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(614): View more from Ohio

see you put your penis in her and it's like an ignition key to start the crazy

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(805): View more from California

Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude. It just hit me for a second time. My thumbs are huge and moving very quickly. Like stampeding buffalo...

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(248): View more from Michigan

On the bright side his mom approves of me. Though it's apparently because she sleeps with married men and has a soft spot for "fellow homewreckers"

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(678): View more from Georgia

I don't want to talk. I just want to motorboat those tits

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(+39): View more from

my host sister just stared at me as i knocked over the lamp, then took out all my chocolate, walked into the bathroom, and locked the door. i'm officially the worst exchange student ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she wants me to text her or call her all the time when we are apart...this is not high school...

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(914): View more from New York

you opened the fridge, pissed on the food, fell over, then threw up on yourself. thats whats all over the kitchen.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

in spanish class. the girl next to me asked what Galapagos were. i told her they were islands. now she thinks Galapagos means islands in spanish

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(206): View more from Washington

alcohol turns me into mario batali of easy mac

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.

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(917): View more from New York City

I feel miserable, can't drink that much when I go out

(1-917): View more from New York City

We've been saying that since '98

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(310): View more from California

Why did I cab home last night?

(1-310): View more from California

Because you said you were drunk, sad, and someone called you a hooker.

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(818): View more from California

Their was just 7 people standing outside eating a costco chicken, definitley at the right party

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Chipotle chips and wine for breakfast. Its def game day

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(614): View more from Ohio

My ATM looks so different sober.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i really wish i had a remote for my computer. its all the way on my bed while im across the hall puking my brains out to enya. not cool.

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(216): View more from Ohio

wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?

(330): View more from Ohio

yes... and buy you lunch

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(714): View more from California

We just got home. I got some malt liqour and a lottery ticket so I'm really doing a lot with my life right now

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(515): View more from Iowa

I just went to a subway where the girl didn't know how to make a blt. I will not miss public school texans.

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(360): View more from Washington

so my aunt is sitting on the couch, eating a brownie and watching the biggest loser saying how it's not that hard to eat healthy

(360): View more from Washington

man i love america

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(813): View more from Florida

Tampa is so boring. I'm dying. I want lots of cleavage at my funeral. If i cant get laid, i want my friends to. I'm that kind of person

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(816): View more from Missouri

FYI-Owning a kitty significantly lowers your chances of ever seeing mine...

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(585): View more from New York

And I feel bad.

(716): View more from New York

Because we're having a serious discussion about our sex life and you're playing minecraft?

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(513): View more from Ohio

You pulled me aside and handed me a plastic childrens' tea cup full of 151 and said "trust me its a great idea"

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(805): View more from California

It's not a good night until someone eats a bagel covered in face mask thinking it's cream cheese

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(269): View more from Michigan

You expect me to find someone in two days who I feel comfortable enough with to ask them to get drunk and go play in foam with me?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Sprained my ankle at sky zone REST ICE COMPRESSION ELEVATION AND SHOTS it'll all feel better soon

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(602): View more from Arizona

The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Just got blown whilst getting my high score on bejeweled blitz. There's still a month and a half left of summer and my bucket list is empty...

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero

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(661): View more from California

We videoed ourselves having sex... I now know why I close my eyes during sex

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(770): View more from Georgia

next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.

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(936): View more from Texas

im going to have to ask you to stop vomiting stars, rainbows, and butterflies all over your facebook statuses...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

dude your cousin who was wearing the skirt wasn't wearing any underwear

(952): View more from Minnesota

gross she's a slut

(612): View more from Minnesota

yea she doesn't shave either

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(520): View more from Arizona

One thing noone tells you about getting put in the drunk tank is do it barefoot. You get free flipflops.

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(520): View more from Arizona

When I start carrying a bottle in my hand, jumping from boat to boat with a grenade horn. YOU should know this isn't going to turn out well.

(1-520): View more from Arizona

Everyone already knows you're a drunk, they understand.

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(253): View more from Washington

Our halfway to Halloween party needs to never happen again. There were waaayy too many wasted cartoon characters passed out in my living room this morning...

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You would not believe how incredibly hard it is to climb on top of a three story apartment buildings roof from the air conditioning unit

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(917): View more from New York City

My walk of shame got a new perspective when I walked into his livingroom and found his roommate fucking some chick on the coffee table.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

How do guys with small dicks who cheat on their girlfriends get girlfriends!?!

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You said you couldnt get the condom on but "its the thought that counts"

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

i just jacked off to lindsey vonn, i feel so patriotic

(414): View more from Wisconsin

USA! USA! USA!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Oh my god. Just had sex with this girl on the boardroom table at my work at midnight (win!) just realized I left the condom wrapper on the table (lose!)

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

As a pleasant surprise..I woke to find a Burrito and Bottle of Gatorade .....Merry XMAS to ME

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(714): View more from California

Ikea night.

(949): View more from California

?

(714): View more from California

Insert tab A into swedish slot B

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(410): View more from Maryland

To answer your question of whether I "went back," tits just informed me I was kicked out for falling off my barstool and passing out on the floor...

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(210): View more from Texas

Just fucking put out. It'll be a good lay, promise. Stop being a prude. Damn it. A boy is trying to put his penis in you. APPRECIATE IT.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Listen, everyone has a price and mine is free taco bell.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Omg 230 lb butch lesbian with a mustache grabbed my dick. I need an adult

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(614): View more from Ohio

she tends to only attract lesbians and homeless men

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.

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(519): View more from Ontario

duuuude. vodka popsicles DO NOT function.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have sucked so much dick this week I think I am going to start sweating semen

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(517): View more from Michigan

when i got to my bed there was a handwritten note that said "wash the sheets." sleeping on the couch.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.

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(323): View more from California

rhymes with "ouble enetration"

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(636): View more from Missouri

It was like a Michael Bay sized explosion located in my pussy.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So the bouncer told me I could leave the easy way or the hard way. I told him I was going to make him earn his 10 bucks that hour.

(416): View more from Ontario

Apparently you chose the latter.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He's so young, I keep getting a mental image of him in footie pajamas. It's cute but it's wrong. Or is it?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Somebody left a mini pitcher in the bathroom. Think its safe?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He would only do it doggy style. The "he's probably gay" debate rages on...

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(801): View more from Utah

I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just threw up in my seat during the national anthem. Probably not good.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Fuck Spring. The birds chirping at 4am make me feel unnatural for still being up and drunk.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Who would have thought the night we were surrounded by 4 cops would be the most responsible night of the week.

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(815): View more from Illinois

should we take a power nap before our cocaine gets here?

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(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

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(503): View more from Oregon

i found her turbo button.....if you know what i mean.

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(619): View more from California

do all gilrs hav hair on thier vagaina ?

(805): View more from California

Don't drive home.

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(850): View more from Florida

If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

THERE WAS A HANDPRINT OF BLOOD ON HIS SHOULDER

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just spent a extra 20 minutes on the phone with the lady from unemployment talking about how to make the best brownies.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

is it bad i banged a 25yr kindergarten teacher last night?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

No thats like a top 10

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(830): View more from Texas

Apple Jack is not a good idea for breakfast. Whiskey can't replace milk.

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(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(206): View more from Washington

is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?

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(925): View more from California

He finally admitted that he was drunk when I asked him how he got the rug burn on his chin and he replied "the worm contest"

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(310): View more from California

My entire life is one complicated drinking game

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(419): View more from Ohio

I havent dry-humped that much since freshmen year. Forgot how good it doesnt feel.

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(631): View more from New York

U know those big foam mats in the back gym for track?

(248): View more from Michigan

ya, gonna go have sex there?

(631): View more from New York

No I want one to have wings and pick me up and take me home

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't had sex in so long I'll probably find some stranger, feel guilty, go w/o sex for several months and do it all over again...always something to look forward to

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean looking back on it, it's unlucky but at least now we can say we were in jail from 2011 to 2012

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

That's thinking positively..

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gotcha. Well, I'm puking and trying to keep down water from a mug that says "love the moment" around the rim. Not loving this particular moment.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(712): View more from Iowa

I feel like a need a fire hose to wash off what I did last night

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(647): View more from Ontario

Having him eat chocolate out of you is not as romantic as it sounds. I'm still finding pieces.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't finish this paper in my room because every time I get distracted I start masterbating. I think it's time to go to the library...

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(718): View more from New York

im getting my college education on yahoo answers.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my goal in life is to wake up with my underwear on

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(212): View more from New York

i feel like the prize bull at the rodeo. everybody got a ride, no one lasted more than 8 seconds and i'm pretty sure i kicked one of them in the ball sack

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(478): View more from Georgia

i just told a girl i would suck the alcohol out of a deoderant stick

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(440): View more from Ohio

I got into an eating contest with Christina. I ate 6 oranges.

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Why? Who won?

(440): View more from Ohio

we don't know. we ran out of oranges.

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(313): View more from Michigan

"You squeeze, we tiip biiiiiig" JB

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I don't fucking care about the convenience of not having freudian slips. I spent 2009-2011 screwing around with 3 different Daniels. 2012 WILL be the dawn of a new day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

How about a mike?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Already had two of those

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(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

ttyl tear gas

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

sometimes i think life is slapping me across the face and laughing, saying "ha ha! you're an adult!"

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(937): View more from Ohio

he is a creepy guy.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

yea thats what heroine does to ppl.

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(410): View more from Maryland

is it trashy that while he was throwing up in the bathroom, i was hooking up with his childhood best friend?

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(760): View more from California

have you ever noticed that homeless people never have acne. suck it proactive

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(516): View more from New York

Apparently I look legit enough, cause the 3 bums next to me just got kicked awake by cops, and I was allowed to stay sitting here. That's a plus, right?

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

worst experience of my life. her nipples were sick. kinda like a venn diagram

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

tried doing a cartwheel after 10 beers. Guess who has a dislocated shoulder.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

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(480): View more from Arizona

Just FYI, I'm breaking up with my boyfriend tonight and you need to be on call to be my first rebound bang

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(319): View more from Iowa

I tried to discuss modern art with a cab driver after explaining that I only had one shoe on b/c a pitbull ate the other one. Wtf. Call me when you can.

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(281): View more from Texas

Oh and probably wearing a life jacket instead of clothes didn't help things either

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(540): View more from Virginia

we kept pushing you at the prospective students saying go for it, itll make them want to come here

(540): View more from Virginia

you kept yelling THIS ONES FOR THE ADMISSIONS OFFICE and then youd go in for the kill

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(703): View more from Virginia

At this point, I really just need a sign in sheet for my vagina.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

she just made some guy spank her... then made some chick take a running start and spank her.

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(+30): View more from

Ia nefed hefelkp i am a taxi

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(404): View more from Georgia

I want to drop kick Stephanie Meyer

(678): View more from Georgia

you spelled her name wrong

(404): View more from Georgia

not you too!!

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(206): View more from Washington

I was totally willing to let her keep giving me blowjobs as long as she didn't think we were in a relationship.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she woke up with a sticky ear

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(519): View more from Ontario

isn't that the guy who always buys you drinks?

(416): View more from Toronto

yeah. i love a man who still buys me drinks after the bar cuts me off.

(519): View more from Ontario

next time on intervention

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got my first unemployment direct deposit!!!' celebrating at the beach

(630): View more from Illinois

Me toooooo!! Margaritas

(773): View more from Illinois

I never knew being a drain on a functioning society would feel so good

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(601): View more from Mississippi

We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm just saying, asking "Are you happy with me?" during a handjob is simply unfair and scientifically inadmissiable.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just did shots with my boss to warm up for our sales call to Childrens Hospital. I love startups.

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(972): View more from Texas

Whyyyyy do my fingers smell like Chinese food.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I am currently prioritizing my hw by splitting into things i can and things i cant do drunk. Oh college

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(613): View more from Ontario

One of my bosses just told me she's having communication problems because mercury is in retrograde this month. I think she's serious.

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(269): View more from Michigan

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

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(904): View more from Florida

im marching my happy ass in there and im not leaving until he cheats on his girlfriend!

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(561): View more from Florida

I don't think you know how difficult it is to pee in poncho..

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(818): View more from California

Getting fucked up met up rando with a girl I confesswed my love for last night. weird, going with it

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(937): View more from Ohio

as soon as I stop standing here with one leg up on my bathroom counter admiring my balls, I'm going to go tan. and then you may come over.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She puked her nose ring out of her face.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't even see the point of going over to his place dressed anymore.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

I hope you fall on your chin.

(802): View more from Vermont

Jealousy makes you ugly.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The orgasm outlasted the Charlie horse. Pros and cons.

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(530): View more from California

Dude, she sent me a nude of her posing in the mirror and her dad was in the reflection

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

you had acid sex with the barista. why is my bucket list your tuesday?

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(+04): View more from

Still want to know how you got back last night? Two Campus Security Officers carried you in around 430. Your pants were around your ankles.

(1+04): View more from

I hate Sailor Jerry.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you're going to have to drive me to white haven. I don't know if my brain can handle having my mom drop me off at a strip club.

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(850): View more from Florida

Although I am concerned about who made the decision to let you loose in a bridal show I am proud to see you in a sombero again.

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(512): View more from Texas

I totally just somersaulted to the bathroom to avoid moving out of my fetal position

(1-512): View more from Texas

I don't know if I should be concerned or impressed.

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(310): View more from California

Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.

(310): View more from California

Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Both the cop and the paramedic were hitting on me while I was on the ambulance. My boob fell out and they just about had full on erections right there. They Came back two hours later to sign my cast with their phone numbers. #stillhotwhilebleeding

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(630): View more from Illinois

So to distract myself from jackies vomiting, im making up a story in my head. It's called the little penis that could

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(763): View more from Minnesota

It was like you were trying to communicate only you were using every letter of the alphabet but in no order and in a different language

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

hot buttered vodka was not a success. on any level.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I found him down the block clinging to a light post laughing and crying because a house "looked like it had buck teeth"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Driving a mountain pass in the middle of a blizzard with the worst vodka gummybear hangover ever is gods way of telling me to keep the black-outing within a 15 mile radius to my house.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Sundays should be dedicated to Girl Scout cookies, sex, and super hero movies.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i think I'm just gonna buy a new vibrator, body pillow, some guys cologne to spray on it, a life time supply of wine and weed and be done with all this shit

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(303): View more from Colorado

How long after mardi gras is it considered okay to wake up topless and wearing beads?

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(206): View more from Washington

Not sure. All I know is that she has a tight dark green skirt and I will not rest until I have used my teeth to rip it off of her

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(478): View more from Georgia

Yeah. You can ask him out. We're just fuck buddies. My vagina will be sad but your heart can be happy.

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(518): View more from New York

HOW LONG TILL THESE DRUGS WEAR OFF. I WORK IN ONE HOUR, I REPEAT, I WORK IN ONE HOUR.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Ugh he's texting me.

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

Tell him you're no longer interested in what he has to offer; his shitty personality outweighs his sexual prowess.

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(516): View more from New York

I gave up yolo and cigarettes for lent. I owe god a sincere apology.

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(616): View more from Michigan

She just tried to talk over a fart. The fart was way longer than the sentence she originally wanted to say so she just added gibberish to the end. Gross

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(530): View more from California

I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Hypothetically going to the gym on coke was a good idea

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I was all over the place but at every locale you would pop out of nowhere and hand me a huge drink and say "HAMMERED"

(239): View more from Florida

I am the fairy godmother of the drink.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Mid way while flirting with this super hot chick at the bar, he gets up and says no thanks I'm only 19 and gay just waiting for my buddy to hurry up and get with your friend.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Your friends turned off our power in the basement and when we went to turn it back on I got sprayed in the face with a fire extinguisher. FYI.

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(216): View more from Ohio

5am update: in a toga seeing triple made out with both sexes

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(310): View more from California

It's okay though. My mom didn't believe that they were mine cuz they were magnums. Having a surprisingly large penis ftw

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(517): View more from Michigan

the cops were hovering over him then shinned a flashlight to the floor above ours, then I realized that some fucker jumped from the third story.

(1-517): View more from Michigan

fuck our hall.

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(585): View more from New York

My first drink last night was a 2-liter of jameson and coke. So hung over it hurt to put my pants back on

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(330): View more from Ohio

She bit a glowstick open. Apparently they burn. We bonded while she washed the chemicals out of her mouth as I did double shots of Jager.

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(512): View more from Texas

Your first words after putting out the flames, "how am I supposed to eat girls out with my top lip burned off??"

(1-512): View more from Texas

Yeah no more flaming everclear shots.

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(720): View more from Colorado

I'm going to call you, don't answer. Need to practice moaning to your answering machine again

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(303): View more from Colorado

im suggesting it to him. and by suggesting i mean we're not having sex again unless im wearing high heels

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(573): View more from Missouri

He went down on me while I had rollers in my hair. I've never felt more like a lady.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Claiming territory at this party means signing a girls ass...I've got dibs on a blonde

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(204): View more from Manitoba

when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best

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(770): View more from Georgia

Just saw a midget on a motorcycle. Best sight for a hangover ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

From scraping the remnants from a coke bag at a lingerie party to meeting with an 80 year old man to discuss civil rights all in under 12 hours bizarrely feels like the epitome of my life

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(214): View more from Texas

I must have drunkenly masturbated really loud last night, cause my roommate and his wife wont look at me

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(214): View more from Texas

ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.

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(512): View more from Texas

Just explain how I got from the bar to a house I've never been in, waking up to a cop in uniform ripping a bong

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

so hungover ... i gave my nephew five bucks to go blow bubbles for an hour in the kitchen.

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(216): View more from Ohio

there is literally a full grown man stuck between the radiator and her bed. i thought i kicked him out 20 minutes ago but nope we found him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm currently sitting on the floor of a hostel reception area taking swigs of straight vodka, singing with people whose English doesn't go far beyond Lion King songs. I thought you might appreciate it.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Im making gravy in a lace bra and jeans. Just call me the southwern wet dream

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

A white limo full of drunken 30 something business people pulls up next to me and asks if they can kidnap me until 1030. If I don't make it back tonight, call someone and tell them I died gloriously

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(703): View more from Virginia

just filed my taxes drunk as balls. i may be going to jail.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Seriously, come get him. He's not even a person anymore. He's a loud, drunk, cock-blocking wrecking ball.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

They were taking shots out of the caps of perfume bottles. This is too much for me.

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(360): View more from Washington

Too lazy to make dinner. Had chocolate and scotch instead. Check in with me in a half hour.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Last thing I remember was wondering why there was a mirror on the wall behind the urinal and then realizing I was pissing in the sink.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

She gives the worst handjobs, it was like raw meat on a cheese grater

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(916): View more from California

Every time you blow me I should make a paper crane and we'll make them into a chain and hang them from the ceiling. And then whenever we have people over and they ask what the cranes are for I'll say "reminders" and wink at you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Woke up w/ the same freshman as last Saturday but we were sober this time. Is that a relationship?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm doing somethin that's never been done before...the 10 am booty call come over

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(323): View more from California

Finally hooked up w/ that yoga instructor chick. Got a little more than I expected. Like a full on bush more than I expected. How do you tell a girl that her bush scares you?

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(716): View more from New York

it's only monday and im already failing all my classes. i give up. tequila tuesday is my only friend.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Dude, you passed out sitting straight up AND in mid sentence last night

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(432): View more from Texas

she looks like one of those semi-pretty girls that turns into a 9 while she's riding your cock like she's trying to catch a train on horseback.

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(713): View more from Texas

My date just wheeled me home in a shopping cart but it was normal

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Because he's your one night stand I shouldn't feel obligated to extend social media to him

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(719): View more from Colorado

I think i just threw up blood. i can't chill right now;

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think she's perpetually drunk

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

It's all she knows

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(720): View more from Colorado

Im shrooming at the foot of a tree on top of a mountain. Feeling fly as fuckin socrates and bon iver.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Im on my period and I feel like I'm going to die. The only thing that can make this tolerable is for you to eat me out in the shower. Please. I'll do anything.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We made a bet that we had to talk like Yoda all night at the bars

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(425): View more from Washington

I just debated creating a mirror system so I could play Batman while in the bathroom. I think I need help.

(1-425): View more from Washington

I already knew that. But I also don't agree with stifling creativity.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Did you mean to cry when you finished last night? Or were you just that drunk?

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(517): View more from Michigan

Well... When your girlfriend fucks your sister, the 2 week courtesy window goes out the door.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I think i just fucked the same guy a second time without realizing it....does that make me a good whore or a bad whore???

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I love you more with every blowjob.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

You should write for Hallmark.

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(512): View more from Texas

I have to bobbypin his pubes for us to have sex. The other day he wanted me to braid them.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You kno how some people just need a "everything will be alright" pat on the back? I need an "everything will be alright" blowjob right now. Come over

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Let me stew on this while im plucking my nipple hairs and showering.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i was beyond wasted so he tucked me into bed and wrapped the blankets around me like a burrito. then gave me a bloody mary and an omlet when i woke up. and who says living with your cousin is a bad thing?!

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(319): View more from Iowa

I am dressed. And we didn't do anything. He's gorgeous and tall tho. Something nice to look at when I'm hungover

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(775): View more from Nevada

If it makes you feel any better, karma just served me up a big dose of fuck you.

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(648): View more from

Standing in my kitchen eating choc chip cookie batter from the bowl. As sad as it is, I kinda like the places bad breakups take me.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I guess the study abroad went badly, I gave him a joint and he just smoked it and cried all the way from the airport

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(707): View more from California

I am literally the only girl who can black out and wake up pantsless and STILL be 99% sure I didn't get any.

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(719): View more from Colorado

It would have been the trifecta of dick for her.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I got to masturbate in Rome in a gorgeous hotel room. Don't try and tell me I need a boyfriend

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

BEST FEELING EVER: Standing in a hot fucking shower, while super baked, while eating a cookie.

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

You eat cookies in the shower?

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(254): View more from Texas

By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

She screams like she's just fallen out of a helicopter when she cums.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Stop treating my vagina like a slapchop.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

So we have also come to the conclusion that slam piece Saturday's are the appropriate follow ups to find a husband Fridays

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(201): View more from New Jersey

surprisingly organic peanut butter is not the best chaser

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(651): View more from Minnesota

You need to stop having girl talk with the guys I'm sleeping with.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Its the anniversary of our epic NBA All-star game weekend. The night the two of us cashed a 30-pack while watching the dunk contest

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't know... But I do think this is probably the longest series of texts we've written discussing your cock. David was right, it is a brave new world. Also, slow day at work again?

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(740): View more from Ohio

You said that my dog would "complete your puzzle" then you got naked and took it behind the bar

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(304): View more from West Virginia

you should have walked with me to my car. you just missed a girl rip off her bra and throw it into a dumpster and scream mardi gras

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Just finished my quantum homework in ladies room writing with eyeliner. I am the party/physics champion.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

All I'm asking for is flower occasionally, and in return you get to come home to me naked in heels. Is that to much to ask for?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

they paper machayed me.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i told you ... never pass out drinking with preschool teachers.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Today's hangover is a "wear sunglasses while pooping in the dark" kind of day

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(216): View more from Ohio

Challenge: Try to have your balls hanging out in every picture you take tonight

(440): View more from Ohio

Challenge Accepted

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(571): View more from Virginia

I think its pretty common. 1 out of every 4 people probably have a stripper's phone # in their phone.

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(216): View more from Ohio

He was showing him the picture of the 40 year old woman he made out with in Florida, turns out Chris made out with the same woman.

(1-216): View more from Ohio

Go her

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(209): View more from California

He threw up the X he took like 30min before then when we thought his antics were over... BOOM! He tried to pee out a light he was holding.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Did you ask me to bring you a t-shirt to class or did I just dream that?

(732): View more from New Jersey

No, I did. It's a long story.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

It's like you're a magic genie of bad timing

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(440): View more from Ohio

she used teeth so i didnt tell her when i was cumming ...........dont get mad get even

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(229): View more from Georgia

It was a karaoke bar combined with a liquor store and had a donkey pen in the back.

(904): View more from Florida

Keeping it classy as usual I see

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Are you around on Saturday? Feeling a trip over

(1+44): View more from

Wet with either fear or sexual excitement

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I think a mixture of both is appropriate

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Just described your amazing cock to a complete stranger. I am officially the worst wingman (chick) ever.

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(520): View more from Arizona

So it's always a good weekend when you don't get any sleep, try opening a bottle of wine on rocks, and end up needing a tetanus booster for our stupidity... Same thing next weekend?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I need to get a life, I am either crying at every glee episode or just wanting to blow rails off photos of us

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He's cheating on her.

(973): View more from New Jersey

Are you sure it wasn't her?

(201): View more from New Jersey

I have my glasses on, and as long as she didn't change her face in the past two months; its her.

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(631): View more from New York

He tells me he loves me and I say I just want him for sex, then he looks at me like I just said I hate puppies. What kind of guy is he?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We should start a Help That Bitch Out Fund and split the donations evenly between you two.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Now I'm at the gym and I never want to leave. It's a combo of adderall and endorphins and I don't want it to go away

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(303): View more from Colorado

So I just chugged the rest of the wine in my mug so I would have something to eat my corn flakes in. With a plastic fork. I need a dishwasher

(312): View more from Illinois

And maybe a life coach?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Half the people who compete die. All the rest either lose their minds or grow an innate fear of sharks, vodka, and fishbowls

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he had me stop mid-blow job to make me use my phone to id a song on the radio..

(856): View more from New Jersey

i wasnt really sure how to responde to that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

At this point I will cuddle anything to prevent from dying alone

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(613): View more from Ontario

Every time you started making out for him we all cheered for you... that's what sorority sisters do - they cheer you on when you make bad life decisions at the bar.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

future-me showed up mid trip and gave us a thumbs up.

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(425): View more from Washington

You would ignore him even if it wasn't NoManUary. It could be the Winter of a Thousand Dicks and you wouldn't talk to that guy.

(206): View more from Washington

The Winter of A Thousand Dicks sounds terrifying!!!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im in mikes bed telling my vagina I'm sorry in advance.

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(386): View more from Florida

Omg it was awesome. At one point she says "cum in me, I'm too old to get pregnant".

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Things are burning & the world smells of peanut butter. It's beautiful.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just had a tranny complement my outfit. Looks like I'll have to change before we go out.

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(276): View more from Virginia

I have fruit by the foot roll-ups. I wonder if a man could tie them together and make an editable bra....

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(573): View more from Missouri

Just left the frat house in last nights clothes minus my earings, shoes, underware, tequilla cap, and my dignity. If you see me on your way home just hit me

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(714): View more from California

Mandatory 420 Adventure Time.

(1-714): View more from California

This is why we're friends.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Is it acceptable I'm laying in bed drinking airplane bottles?

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

In our world? Yes, but I'm disappointed yoiu are wasting airplane bottles. Save them for sneaky occasions

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(281): View more from Texas

Dont worry about getting me anything... Just put a bow on your ass.

(940): View more from Texas

Deal.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Yeah but I get laid and I know. He drank toilet water last night and he doesn't know about that either. Still makes me happy though.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Nobody in the ambulance liked me...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just made a list of all the guys I've hooked up with. "Roofie tattoo eyelids", "xanex night guy", "rainy concert", "cory blanket" and "naked hottub guy" made it.

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(757): View more from Virginia

he may be homeless but his dick however is not... anymore.

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(734): View more from Michigan

It was awful. Mid hookup he started reading the titles of the books over my bed, which were about Russian imperial history. He then started asking me questions about the class I was reading the books for. I was like "WE HAVE TIME FOR THAT LATER, PLEASE CONTINUE."

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(909): View more from California

Every concussion has its silver lining

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(212): View more from New York

Did you guys seriously let me trade my id for a kebab last night??

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(208): View more from Idaho

Sudden memory flashback: drunk me outside ripping my tampon out and throwing it into the neighbors yard, silently cheering 'time for sexxxx'. I sense a dangerous pattern emerging

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(609): View more from New Jersey

How did you get a free t-shirt at the strip club?

(941): View more from Florida

I was attacked by whores

(609): View more from New Jersey

You threw up on yourself again didn't you?

(941): View more from Florida

They were strong whores

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(331): View more from Illinois

DUDE EDDIE MURPHY JUST DID A BODY SHOT OFF A HOOKER. IM NEVER COMING HOME

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(417): View more from Missouri

Handicvap rails on the toilet atre soooooo fuckin handy right nmow.

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(206): View more from Washington

The guy you hooked up with is asleep in the tub. I just pee'd and he said 'turn off the tap' before snoring again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The leasing office is hiring, so I gave them my resume and class schedule. I doubt they'll call me considering last summer at their "exotic animal" pool party I marched in with a funnel and demanded the employees chug. I doubt they've forgotten.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Why did my little sister call me from your phone this morning?

(404): View more from Georgia

Things like this can't be explained over text man

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(301): View more from Maryland

Some idiot from high school is in the hospital for bonging three beers up his ass

(240): View more from Maryland

He should have died. Natural selection.

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(626): View more from California

I just stood next to my childhood self. Fuck, I'm really stoned...

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(812): View more from Indiana

Frats are adorable. They make mediocre guys think they're worth a shit.

(1-812): View more from Indiana

...the American dream.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My vagina is not really on board with my "emotional issues"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude Steve you don't even know. its just been one hairy asshole after another.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just really need to get the matching flask to go with my pill box. Is this another step towards rock bottom?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Currently smoking a blunt with my one night stand's mom. I don't know how I should feel about this.

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(940): View more from Texas

She thinks I should try and corrupt him and take his virginity. While I do love virgins, I'm a little too lazy to put in the corruption effort right now. That's a summer kinda job.

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(518): View more from New York

It feels like I'm breathing out my heart and it spreads through my limbs to my fingertips.

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(+33): View more from France

So our 'date' consisted of getting drunk off champagne at four and photo-bombing the shit out of tourist's pictures all over the city. Thoughts?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I am way too attached to fictional lesbians.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was tied up in bed before noon, the rest of the day can go to hell.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just sprawled out on my bedroom floor and cried while shoveling chocolate into my mouth.. I should not have Bacardi at home

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(214): View more from Texas

i was debating whether to load antoher bowl when i realized i was holding a sandwich in one hand and a cookie in the other. and laughing.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the paramedics asked what clubs id be in next weekend so they can plan ahead.

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(586): View more from Michigan

We've reached the point in our fuck buddy relationship where we are playing words with friends. This is too intimate.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to convey to the smoking hot Spanish cleaning lady at work that I want to bone her but I think it's getting lost in translation. How do you say "blowjob" in Spanish?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I think the name vodka for a girl is amazing

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(813): View more from Florida

Wake up, take the dog to the trails, puke in the woods. More days should start like this.

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(253): View more from Washington

Oh my god. He likes it up the butt. But loves womanly support. Omg. Its bad. Its bad. Ive had too much whiskey for this to be ANYthing except bad.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

if i got ashes i think they'd burn a hole into my head with the amount of sins i've committed this year alone and it's only february

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(630): View more from Illinois

Don't you dare blame me for walking in one walking in on ur fuck session....u decided to fuck where we hid our booze

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Fuckers are stealing our internet and making my porn stream slowly so I changed the password for VanceRefrigeration to RyansaCunt. No spaces but capitalization.

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(904): View more from Florida

This football player keeps talking about his drunk dad. I think he may start crying. Does this deserve a roll tide?

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(512): View more from Texas

well, obviously he didn't fuck me for my strong moral fiber.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.

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(330): View more from Ohio

if I just puked into my own hand, but then cleaned it up quickly, quietly, and calmly, am I still a trainwreck?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Nothing like running into your favorite bartender in the middle of the afternoon while stone cold sober and being told your grabbed his penis the last time you were at his bar. My bad.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had one unshaved part on her vagina that she called "the soul patch" I just didn't know what to think

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(301): View more from Maryland

so i guess now we know you can get away with peeing mere feet from the Capitol if you shout IM PREGNANT at the guards

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(812): View more from Indiana

If I believed in "responsibility" and "having limits", I would probably say I consumed too much alcohol in the last 48 hours

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You're welcome to join, but just to warn you, tequila makes my clothes disappear. And I'm telling you that as an adult to an adult, not as your supervising teacher who decides whether or not you graduate.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

How do you not remember?? She kept putting a dollar on her waistband and insisting it was all you can eat under a dollar

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found a casserole dish in my oven filled with broken glass, blood, and chopsticks. And the REALLY fucked up thing is that finding it answered more questions than it raised.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

The empty keg landed on my head. It's a good thing we already got shitfaced or i'd be a vegetable and the humor would be completely lost.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I just texted him and asked him to keep some in case I need help sealing the deal.

(708): View more from Illinois

Girl Scout cookies are like roofies for fat chicks.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

You asked her to play "the coma game" with you while hooking up, and then passed out in her bed. She couldn't wake you up so she slept on the floor.

(651): View more from Minnesota

Looks like I won that one

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(626): View more from California

I am so hung over a medically induced coma is beginning to sound appealing.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously, dude... You knows its bad when you gag on her nipple.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Woke up today to the sound of church bells. My first thought was shit the apocalypse, but then I remembered my hook up lives next to a church. This might be a rough day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Brought him brownies before taking his pants off. I'm like the Martha fucking Stewart of booty calls. Walk of shame be damned.

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(586): View more from Michigan

My night consisted of weed, sex, and Mexican food. In that order. I think we found the keys to saving our marriage.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Got paid to make out with a girl. It takes skill to be this drunk and still make money

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(440): View more from Ohio

While I was fucking him, he grabbed a taco off his shelf and started eating it. I had taco dripped on me. I have no idea where the taco came from.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Survival tip #3: while you're hooking up with him, don't say he reminds you of his brother

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(205): View more from Alabama

...i'd have to set their sheets on fire.

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(567): View more from Ohio

i sent you a picture of beads you send me a picture of boobs how hard is this to understand

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(607): View more from New York

Hey. I thought you were saving your 80s playlist til marriage.

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(416): View more from Toronto

There's puke on my pillow. I'm still wearing my wedges. And I have a cab drivers number clutched in my fist.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

I invented the best game. It's called "what touched my exposed nutsack?" It can range from pillows to toothbrushes

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(802): View more from Vermont

I should probably go to bed before I start to care about why I started drinking in the first place.

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's official, there's a sex tape of me floating around some high school

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(512): View more from Texas

You'd be amazed at how difficult it is to find pics of the helicopter dick

(305): View more from Florida

I am very proud of your internet skills

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Turns out I was the only one drinking. I broke one guy's bed and kicked another in the face. Then when an RA came by I shouted to let him in he's gonna find the vodka anyway. Great night

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Hey I have your shoes. Do you remember shouting "Police brutality!" when the bouncer was kicking you out last night?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Chris threw beer can at guy. Guy ended up being a fighter. Chris got his eye socket broke. Fighter got hand re-broke. Chris is passed out. Fighter is in kellys bed. everybody won last night. I think.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

You're just jealous because you lost me and I ended up at another party licking Marshmallow Fluff bikinis off of lesbians.

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(805): View more from California

He told me that "my little fuckpig" was a term of endearment in Britain. I think I'm in love.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(407): View more from Florida

I mean, once you help another girl drunker than you zip her jeans you can't help but be friends after that

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(301): View more from Maryland

not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Well someone has to be the Christmas slut at the family dinner. I suppose it's my year to fill those shoes.

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(256): View more from Alabama

There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Gonna post on craigs list missed connections - "I was that really drunk bitch that threw up in your car. I'd like to pay for detailing"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas

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(281): View more from Texas

my little brother just told me that I should start chasing my vodka with slim fast. genious.

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(516): View more from New York

i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second

(631): View more from New York

i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead

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(973): View more from New Jersey

And. No one ejaculated on anyones face. This is all wrong

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(207): View more from Maine

Ryan Ross and Jon Walker left panic at the disco today.

(1-207): View more from Maine

I predict a mass suicide of the 14 year old girl population...

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(805): View more from California

singing james blunt while drunk. tell me thats not wonderful

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I tried to gradually lead her into my room but she wouldn't stop crying and quoting memoirs of a geisha

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(585): View more from New York

aaaaaand im pretty certain i told that boy i just met that "his balls better be out tomorrow"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes still here... layin in my bed watching a beyonce concert on tv drinking leftover franzia straight outta the bag and crying

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Going abroad, it was like my vagina was in a candy store... a sweet sweet british candy store

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(616): View more from Michigan

I feel like my whole life has been one big pre-game for Mexico.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

He just sent me a dick pic with his iPod held up next to it and the words "in relation to iPod." Geekiest booty call ever.

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(312): View more from Illinois

just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"

(1-312): View more from Illinois

go get him tiger.

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(847): View more from Illinois

my mom just asked me about sexting and if I have ever sent a naked picture to anyone. i fucking hate fox news.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I don't think he's ever woke up with a paraplegic stripper sitting on his face before.

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Bigbird is at the bar Im at. whats her name

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(936): View more from Texas

Bea Arthur died! :(

(214): View more from Texas

What?

(936): View more from Texas

Big bird passed.

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(517): View more from Michigan

and trust me i need no booty pop lessons

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

there is a money trail leading from my bathroom to my living room.. the trail ends with a half eaten bag of chips with a note that says "magical chipz".. who am i?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the welcome home hickey he left on my boob is really gunna put a damper on the rest of my thanksgiving hook up plans with the rest of my ex's

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(352): View more from Florida

She was drunk breaking up with me. All of my emails to her were coming back with UNSUBSCRIBE as the subject.

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(916): View more from California

Do you think she hates me because I thought her roommate's name actually was Butterface?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he's mad because you were 'slandering his penis'.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Pray the makeout fairy visits me this weekend.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(631): View more from New York

life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...

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(440): View more from Ohio

One of my friends found 6 bags of gummy bears on the roof. He lives a building over. Apparently even hammered you still have quite an arm

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(808): View more from Hawaii

guess you're going to miss out on a groin massage and a frosty vagina

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(517): View more from Michigan

it was like weight watchers had a halloween party.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I am so high I am beginning to unironically like Vanessa Carlton.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(852): View more from

i'm at sigma nu and gary is here. what do it do?

(256): View more from Alabama

Stay away from his face.

(852): View more from

so i go for his dick?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

This is the high leading the old right now

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(907): View more from Alaska

He's like my sex unicorn. Elusive and majestic. I'll catch him, I'm baiting with patron.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I think my vagina was keeping me fat all these years out of self preservation. It's like she knew what would happen if I lost the weight.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I'm puking to John Mayor, save me. Or at least change it to somethong beyyt

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

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(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(480): View more from Arizona

omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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(410): View more from Maryland

I mean come on, he's the best quarterback in the state and doesn't even know how to put on condom

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(925): View more from California

make sure i look cute passed out on the couch.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I will show your tits more attention than Michael Jackson's death.

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(760): View more from California

Question: If I woke up with one eyebrow mysteriously missing, do I shave the other one to match?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

drank two beers while on the toilet at home during lunch break. new high or new low, not sure

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(631): View more from New York

only clue right now is the orange grease all on my clothes. debit card denied so I know something weird went down..

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(319): View more from Iowa

We need to stop sleeping with people based on which NFL team they like.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You made me wash my hair in the kitchen sink while eating bay leaves

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've been crying in my room listening to Billy Joel for 2 hours. Thank God Four Loko was banned.

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(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(514): View more from Quebec

It sucks..Now I'm depressed because appearence wise, she's the closest to my favorite pornstar I'll ever get..

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So the girl I hooked up with last night pretended to be from Comcast when my girlfriend stopped by this morning. She even made a fake appointment to check her internet. Best hookup ever.

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(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

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(502): View more from Kentucky

i may or may not have puked on your loofa in the shower.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I could make wine with my vomit

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Multitasking record: pooping whilst putting on shoes and cleaning ear with q-tip. All while texting.

(608): View more from Wisconsin

Update: fell off toilet, one shoe on, q-tip still in ear. Not a pro.

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(513): View more from Ohio

someone is gonna have my baby tonight. they just dont know it yet

(330): View more from Ohio

I'll alert the authorities

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Carrying your RA back to her room wasn't the conclusion I was expecting for the first thursday back

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(765): View more from Indiana

A girl just told me she printed out my pictures and taped them on her wall. I have to stop sleeping with virgins.

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(807): View more from Ontario

your like the ambassador to my penis.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's never too late to be topless.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He gets a blow job and all I get is a huge scar on my arm ... how is this fair?

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(734): View more from Michigan

I AM SAFE. EVERYTHING IS FOG. MISSION ACCOMPLISHED.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

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(256): View more from Alabama

You know who really doesn't like surpise in-your-face air guitar solos? Strangers.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(419): View more from Ohio

Exactly. wat kind of friend would i be if i even pretended to give a shit about ur problems

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(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Is it sad i was sitting here thinkin how i would only fuck Rob Pattinson if he was glittery at said time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

So she couldn't stop dragging her teeth while she was blowing me.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Ahh dude, that fucking sucks, what'd you do about it?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Decided to drag my teeth while eating her out... She got the point.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Before I roll over explain to me why you're naked and on my floor.

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(716): View more from New York

i ordered a pipe on amazon, and under recommended items, it gave me a top hat. it knows me better than my parents.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

a pansexual with facepaint started fucking a tall black girl on the bed i was sitting on so im going to mcdonalds

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(850): View more from Florida

Hickies on top of my hickies. I need a leash and/or a positive female role model

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(604): View more from British Columbia

he got everyone in a room, turned off the lights and started throwing knives at the wall. if you got hit, you had to drink...

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(760): View more from California

Thats stupid. Your future is a life of less pay for the same work. Free drinks is how capitalism reimburses women for its inequality. & youre not even taking it!

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(847): View more from Illinois

Someone was asleep on the couch next to us and woke up. We paused and he yelled "gentlemen, behold! Sex!"

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(714): View more from California

So we'll go out later for condoms and cake batter... aka grocery shopping for champions.

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(707): View more from California

You rang?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

Saw a ginger and the first thing I thought of doing was yelling "you have no soul!" so I called you so we can yell it together with you on speakerphone.

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(845): View more from New York

finally remembered how I know that chick in my history class. she made and fed me ramen when I was wasted!

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(503): View more from Oregon

I let him watch sportscenter while we fucked. How did he repay me? I'm now missing class to get a shot in the ass for the clap. You and I are getting wasted and keying someone's car this weekend.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Last night after the bar I went home and ate a pulled pork sandwich in a bubble bath

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(303): View more from Colorado

She's just so happy...and so naked.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He said he only likes girls with a sense of humor, after he took his pants off I understood why

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(530): View more from California

Guys with integrity exist just to rain on my slut parade.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The kid across the hall found me in the hallway using a hot pocket box as a pillow. I said its okay I live here.

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(804): View more from Virginia

You left the resturant and came back with a McDonalds burger in your pocket so ya...no more pregaming birthday dinners. Especially since it wasn't your birthday.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm pretty sure when you walk down Broadway and can pick out people you've slept with.. It might be a problem. I'm leaving for rehab tomorrow.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's nights like those I refer to my life motto: You can't be just friends with someone after you've seen their genitals.

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(770): View more from Georgia

All I want is for every tall lanky young guy who is reading in a Starbucks to go balls deep in me. That's all.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He only had napkins in the bathroom... no toilet paper. If I fuck him, am I settling?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

They made the rule if I caught the ball with my cleavage they would drink the entire beer pong table. I don't think they expected me to actually do it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Fun fact of the day: Our cat does not like rum.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm a busy girl. All I wanted was noncommittal sex a few times a week

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm pretty sure this city writes new vice laws specifically because of us.

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(714): View more from California

Don't forget: you only show your tits for the good beads. Be judicious.

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(206): View more from Washington

She kept telling me to calm down. I was on the floor with my eyes shut, not moving. In levels of calm I was one step above coma patient

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(860): View more from Connecticut

He was sleeping, but the way he was made him look like an adorable, fuzzy penis

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dude that girl I hooked up with Tuesday is in lecture. I told her I was from the Dominican visiting my cousin and was leaving the next day. Hiding under my hood and hangover.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So we just left her at the hospital. She is not ruining my Monday night

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(925): View more from California

We drove around last night shotting fireworks out the window while they had sex in the back of his car

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(859): View more from Kentucky

You won’t make it to November. A 21st bday and Halloween in the same night has shitshow/ jail written all over it. So I call dibs on that tall guy

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(954): View more from Florida

I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.

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(801): View more from Utah

He was having trouble staying hard then just stopped mid-sex and said "it's overheating" while pointing to his dick.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(903): View more from Texas

Bottle rocket just missed my head by about 3 inches. Of course I'm being safe

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(248): View more from Michigan

I woke up to him eating cereal out of my viking helmet with a shot glass. No idea where he got the milk.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

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(419): View more from Ohio

we seriously had to hang a plastic bag on his ears so he could throw up right into it.

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(239): View more from Florida

it's like god just wants me to be high for five days in a row. keep the blizzards coming.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Grandma was not a fan of the beer-can ornaments. Not "traditional".

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he sent me a naked picture of himself. things got awkward really quickly. but on a positive note he shaved his chest

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(650): View more from California

Not a fireman, but good enough for last night.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Well he has that kind of carefree attitude that comes from a big penis

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(941): View more from Florida

I woke up with my bra stapled to the ceiling, her dad was in the hallway winking at me. I was the less drunk of the bunch.

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(216): View more from Ohio

there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Seriously man, I'm worried that my dick's going to fall off someday if I keep this up...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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(979): View more from Texas

if women knew the size of my dick, theyd be much more receptive to my sloppy drunken advances

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(626): View more from California

Dignity is for republicans.

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(432): View more from Texas

His hospital is closing...I consider it "sorry you're losing your job" sex.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(573): View more from Missouri

my three year anniversary of no dick sucking is coming up. you can throw me a party with a penis cake.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Wow i just got reported to security for being a homeless person trying to break into the library.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I just watched a trucker jack off to a picture of Ellen DeGeneres at a truck stop in Nebraska.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

ok think of it like jelly beans. if you can learn to like the licorice ones, youll always have lots of them because no one else wants them. its the same with fat chicks

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude I just witnessed a midget touching himself and singing the chorus to somebodys watching me by michael jackson... it kinda turned me on

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm not leaving bed today. And i guess my drunken ass last night hit my roommate in the face with a tiki torch then proceeded to cry while carrying around a picture of he who must not being name. I'm a piece of work.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

ME TOO. Am adrunk madr out qith. White guy. Guy de white. Blanco chico. Chico de blanco

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(812): View more from Indiana

This is going to be the summer remembered forever as the giant 3 month long mushroom trip.

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(248): View more from Michigan

thats it. im teaching my cat how to use a fire alarm

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(848): View more from New Jersey

She said she wanted to have closure sex.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(318): View more from Louisiana

That's ok. Our relationship has a solid foundation of booze and questionable behavior.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just had to explain my "wine me. Dine me. Sixty-nine me" key chain to my grandma...she took it surprisingly well.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(574): View more from Indiana

its freezing days like this when i seriously consider littering to speed up the global warming processes.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Locked out of the apartment with just a box of wine way to begin the weekend.

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(301): View more from Maryland

i wanna do a homemade sex video in sepia and pretend were in the early 20th c

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(646): View more from New York

How do I tell a friend I drunkenly broke into his house and may have lost his dog

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(537): View more from

I'm skyping with my parents and reading Cosmo articles on giving great head. I'm on a roller coaster that only goes up, baby.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I swear, its like my old fuck buddies have a 6th sense for when I'm going to be daydrunk. Then they start texting me. And then I start sexting them

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm soaked in champagne. I'm eating oatmeal from mcdonalds tonight was glorious

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(512): View more from Texas

Their car went through the first bag of wine on the drive up...clearly 6 bags was not enough.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Please tell me this is my four loko that I just woke up in....

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(469): View more from Texas

FOUR LOKO IS YES. SUNDAY MORNING DRUNK IS YES.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(956): View more from Texas

Watching Argentina vs Germany during a wedding on an iPhone. Thank you Steve Jobs.

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(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Woke up in an unfamiliar basement in a sleeping bag with Matt to a police officer shining his flashlight in my eyes and asking me my birth date and social security number. My morning went swimmingly.

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(818): View more from California

Do you reaalllllly want to put "porn editor" on your resume?

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(863): View more from Florida

Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.

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(707): View more from California

I still think their baby is ugly. I also still think it's yours.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Your place is a magnet for either righteous parties or crippling alcohol dependency. Lets find out which together

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(276): View more from Virginia

You fell out of your barstool, I tried to help you but you said if I got any closer I'd be drinking my meals through a straw, So there you sat.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I have fiberglass splinters all over my hands and woke up with a sign that says PUMPKINS in my room.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I found out his name. Apparently we sat in the shower together and flooded the bathroom.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He just compared himself to a majestic butterfly in regards to the lack of girlfriends. i don't even know what to say.

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(954): View more from Florida

He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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(618): View more from Illinois

When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

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(561): View more from Florida

just fucked my old babysitter, gotta love block parties

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(817): View more from Texas

you're in nursing school, now tell me what to do about a burned clit.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

consequently i now know what mace tastes like

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(240): View more from Maryland

you said the mailboxes were turning into babies and they started crawling away. then you cried and asked me how you were gonna get your college acceptance letters

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(860): View more from Connecticut

my mom just told me how she used to love having sex while stoned. wtf.

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(248): View more from Michigan

yo i stole a wine glass from the ritz but i spilled wine on my hundo dolla shirt

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I tried to convince the Lobo Card people to take my pic with my sunglasses on because I will probably always be this hungover.

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(805): View more from California

Sounds good. Stay safe. I'm kind of drunk in a Food 4 Less right now and I'm having the time of my life.

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later

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(231): View more from Michigan

We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.

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(912): View more from Georgia

just found glitter in my belly button...seriously when will this nightmare end

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(716): View more from New York

i'll never see her again. i cant remember her last name. this is like cinderella except prince charming drank too much jameson and couldnt save a phone number properly

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(281): View more from Texas

Just watched my manager erase "we've been 2 days wo an accident" and change it to "0" these ppl are too high.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

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(+34): View more from Spain

Ana's brother is visiting for the wknd. He came back to our place last night drunk to find me passed out naked it in the shower with the water still running. I was still drunk. We decided it was a good idea to have sex and sleep on the bathroom floor. Woke up this morning spooning and using my towel as a pillow.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Buying $100 worth of beef jerkey sounded like a terrific idea last night.

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(914): View more from New York

I'm fascinated by her cleavage. She has deep cleavage, but no obvious boobage to speak of. Check it out.

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(858): View more from California

You were wearing a sombrero. And a crown. And told me to use the nerf gun to protect your room from the cat. You don't have a cat.

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(248): View more from Michigan

That arnold schwarzeneger picture looks strikingly similar to paul

(313): View more from Michigan

Not half as good looking as paul

(248): View more from Michigan

I'd say paul has bigger bicep peaks, but who am I to judge

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Quick question, how many times can you get chlamydia before your vagina just gives up and falls off?

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(519): View more from Ontario

I made out with a bride-to-be last night at the bar. Jesus died for our sins right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

And your hair- I'd make sure to pee on it first.

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(417): View more from Missouri

you do realize eating doritos and gatorade as a breakfast hangover cure is only acceptable for one more month - then we have to grow up

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(914): View more from New York

I went to go pee and found a strand of your hair wrapped around my penis.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

u were so high that u chewed on candle wax for an hour

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(303): View more from Colorado

hah yeah. there was a kid puking in the bathroom and this idiot brings in a potted plant and was like "yeah he's like, not getting enough oxygen"

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(847): View more from Illinois

Roller skating + drunkeness + peeing = mess

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Yeah but if I do that, I'd have to buy my own stomach pump for the house. That doesn't seem like a great thing to have sitting on the coffee table.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Holy jesus god. My teeth taste like street.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

how do you spell 'special'? like slow?

(210): View more from Texas

S P E L L C H E C K

(808): View more from Hawaii

No you dumbass thats not right

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(917): View more from New York City

i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(623): View more from Arizona

It's like leaving me for his wife wasn't enough. He had to give me an STD too.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Currently flirting with a 57 year old. Why do i do this

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(518): View more from New York

I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(716): View more from New York

Yeah he had his two razors labeled "face" and "pubes". Should I be disgusted or impressed?

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(316): View more from Kansas

I literally sat down and peed with my underwear still on. How does that happen?

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(818): View more from California

That taco smell coming from your belly button was a huge turnoff

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(510): View more from California

And then he said "my dick isn't hard enough and your tits aren't big enough for this to work"

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(240): View more from Maryland

9 of the 12 girls i had sex with in college are on facebook

(301): View more from Maryland

it was an ugly road back then. i'm sure time hasn't been friendly.

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(516): View more from New York

Tonight must have been good, I have already had two cups of coffee but still couldn't figure out how to operate a door.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

cruising supermarkets, asking random people where i can get weed. fuck alaska

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Heard puking from next door. Looks like the third floor won't be any different than the second.

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(408): View more from California

After she saw a msg in his phone from me that listed the reasons why I love his cock, I don't think I can deny fucking her ex.

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(+55): View more from

Trust me man, I did not put any cookies down your pants when you slept.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, you disappeared somewhere on the walk back and shortly after we got a call from your cell phone from this guy explaining that him and his roommates woke up to the smell of burning pizza and a naked stranger on their couch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

were you high?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

When?

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

Actually just blanket yes to that question

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I am the worst sexter. i actually told him .. if i had a penis, it would be hard right now. BTW thats a turn off.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Hey.. Here's a thought for the evening. There's only two more sleeps until I fuck you so hard my back teeth will convulse.. Here's too Tuesday! Woohooooo

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(410): View more from Maryland

I've been drunk in my life. But I've never been "crying in 5 Guys at 1 in the afternoon" drunk

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(631): View more from New York

I spent the whole weekend building houses out of popsicle sticks for my bowls. How was your weekend?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I was the king of the handle race. My team finished it in 56 minutes.

(757): View more from Virginia

you don't get it. Nobody wins a handle race. there just degrees of losing.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Im the macgyver of cooling down beers. The toilet tank was blocked so I couldn't use it.....

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(773): View more from Illinois

by 11 am we'd already been drunk twice. how much lower can you go?

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are you alive?

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

I googled "I don't want to vomit anymore," and "how to rip out your uvula," at 9 am this morning, but I'm still here. Uvula and all.

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(626): View more from California

I'm trying to have a "pick me up from my house so I can get completely annihilated night" any takers? Cmon people this is what friends are for

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

hungover waitressing a bar association event. im being judged by actual judges.

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(937): View more from Ohio

in case you were wondering, even a BJ under a blanket on the back of a bus only lifts a 14-hour bus ride to borderline tolerable.

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(214): View more from Texas

I felt so bad for you. Drunk Rachael wanted nothing more than to crawl into the cop car and give you a hug. Luckily Mollied/Barred out Rachael convinced Drunk Rachael this was a terrible idea. So I ran. I have your keys btw

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Russian roulette. Between salvia and weed. You in?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

FUCK YOU MAN

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(573): View more from Missouri

Oh yes. Made out with a grandmother..... she had fake boobs and it was 330am. That makes it okay.

(1-573): View more from Missouri

Mardi gras at its finest.

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(515): View more from Iowa

She said we could only have sex if she got to keep her fake moustache on during

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(907): View more from Alaska

She was humming during sex. After I asked her why, she said it was her sex theme music

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(518): View more from New York

I gave you a lap dance in a bowling alley... And I was Fine?

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(734): View more from Michigan

You should really trust me on this one. "hit it and quit it" might not be the best career move on your part...

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(765): View more from Indiana

We love you just as you are but we might love you more if we didn't have to post bail so often...

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I should start printing out disclaimer handouts and passing them out to people saying, "I can not be held responsible for anything I say or do this evening."

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm having flashbacks from last night. Did I admit to pausing Whitney's funeral because I was watching porn? I believe I did.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was trying to be a bartender for my boyfriend and his friends last night, but I was too drunk so I just kept bringing them ice cubes in my hand.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Well call me tomorrow, it's a great story that may lead to me being fired and/or possibly being buried in a shallow grave somewhere out in wine country.

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(514): View more from Quebec

So he texted me two hours ago to tell me he just took two hits of acid. Now he's asking me if it's possible for a house to breathe.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Fuck a-yeah! I just found a wine key. Let 'Don't Fuck With Me Friday' commence.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Fyi: beer caps are stronger then bathroom counters

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(850): View more from Florida

I think that the jello shots in bowls is where it all went wrong.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm going to practice throwing things up the the air and catching them between my boobs, because that seems like a cool party trick.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

The way I see it, everyone on campus has a fake, but I'm the only person who actually makes beer in their dorm.

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(347): View more from New York

Last time I sleep with a guy with a penchant to fragrance his dick. Every time I sit to pee, I get a whiff of Axe body spray.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

He looks like he'd be great Lego character.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I am wrecking havoc on the skinny girls by going home with the big one. She is taking me to see her dog now.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know what I'm hearing? Blah, blah, blah, I have pneumonia, blah, blah, blah, I'm a quitter. COME OVER AND PUT YOUR PENIS INSIDE ME.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Apparently I yelled "no stop it" in my sleep last night when he tried to cuddle with me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Oops, guess its official. I just use him for sex.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Caught in the act of lying. Lipstick literally all over his dick. He tried to make some story about darkwing duck or some shit but failed to realize he is a complete moron.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey, this is Travis. I just so intelligently deduced that I am in a college dorm somewhere in western oregon. Probably WOU, based on the process of elimination.

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(518): View more from New York

I have a very hazy flashback of me making out with a guy in a seashell bra??! Can you confirm or deny

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(559): View more from California

Remember the 3 things that are off limits? They're fair game if you get here in the next 5 minutes

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think my new low is running outside in a towel to pet a particularly fluffy looking squirrel and projectile vomiting off the balcony.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Watch the news tonight. They interviewed me about a fire. I was high as balls so it should be entertaining.

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(562): View more from California

Because selling drugs to kids never goes out of business. We get older, they stay the same stupid.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Apparently while trying to get up from vomiting in the toilet I grabbed the seat cover for leverage and smashed my own head between it and the bowl. I don't remember this.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm laying in bed with a case of beer,.. That's how this break up is going..

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just tried to text you by typing "whoa" into my contacts.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Cracked my iPhone screen. Real bad. Girl from last night isn't ugly yet. Stop me if you still think she belongs under a bridge. You have 12 seconds.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It's ok, I may have just peed outside your car and used your whataburger napkins. Hope you weren't saving them for a special occasion.

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(661): View more from California

I just tripped out to the Angel of Music from Phantom of the Opera in my car. Wayyyy to high for shuffle right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The best part of my day was getting high in the parking lot of the movie theater and taking pics in the photo booth with the caption "CONGRATULATIONS!" we geeked out because it congratulated us for getting high

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I just got woken up by some Christians who wanted to talk about the bible. ways to make a hangover even worse for a thousand trebek

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(512): View more from Texas

I think ill wear my dads dashiki but make it sluttier. We shall see

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Your list of "good ideas" thumbtacked to the lampshade last night consisted of nothing but "tampon-pen" with a note indicating that girls could then always have something to write with, even naked.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's called the eyeliner-blowjob correlation, read a science book bro

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(562): View more from California

well you're talking about the girl who after 4 years, several relationships and several fuck buddies, has yet to have sex in an actual bed

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(607): View more from New York

I can hear my parents having sex. I REPEAT. I CAN HEAR MY PARENTS HAVING SEX! THIS IS NOT A DRILL!

(315): View more from New York

Your mom is 55 and has MS. To be honest, I'm proud of her, and you should be too, bitch.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Best part? I know that the likelyhood of this turning into an intimate relationship is like 4.25%

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(207): View more from Maine

Just took an adderall with a shot of tequila while doing my makeup in the parking lot at work before I go in. I'm also late. They're so lucky to have me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

No seriously stop! I feel bad for him. It isn't even big enough to make fun of. It's so small that it's like a disability.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

It was your ex but it was not eighties night, it was pudding wrestling. And either thank you or I'm sorry depending on the state of my pants left on the doorstep

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also I think my taxi driver may have just died and we just happen to be on a 35 mph cruise control on 395...

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(205): View more from Alabama

Did you make me take pictures of your ass last night because you fucked on some wet paint or did i dream that?

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(574): View more from Indiana

It's 10AM, she's drunk blaring veggie tales and I have a paper to write you've got to be fucking kidding me

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(256): View more from Alabama

He was crying because he hiccuped every time he kissed me. We then crawled to the kitchen because neither of us could stand, and I spoon-fed him peanut butter "to cure his ailment."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I will be naked everywhere

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(310): View more from California

My dad just asked Siri to "help me find my daughters dignity."

(323): View more from California

If you were my daughter, I'd do the same thing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I'm hungover and surrounded by children and Republicans. What did I do to deserve this?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I. Put. Them. Back. We are NOT making a habit of jail visits.

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(406): View more from Montana

don't say the first was when I crawled under into the dressing room

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wtf just happened. Thought you were in my bed since 3am, turned out I was sharing it w/a drunk girl from the 6th floor lounge...

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(44): View more from United Kingdom

Also I legit had a girl at my bar crying tonight saying to her friend "why did he have to take his top off ?"

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We've gotten 3 pitchers already by trading for CUPCAKES

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(907): View more from Alaska

I was high and he had on a gorilla suit. Of course I had to take a picture with him

(307): View more from Wyoming

Your a disgrace to smokers everywhere

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(979): View more from Texas

Just call Katie. She's like the drunk whisperer; she can get them to do anything.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I'm out of mixers so I am using sugar water. Times are tough.

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(515): View more from Iowa

You kept trying to throw the grocery cart off the balcony.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He chipped a tooth on the first beer. You know the night is just going to be a slushy mess after that.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We shall study the pictures later and see if his penis is worth my time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

he ran through my sliding door

(1-815): View more from Illinois

in his defense that door gets complicated after 10 beers

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Haha, oh man. I'm awake now. Slept in my headdress.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

And the funny thing is when I went to the kitchen this morning, all 4 pizzas were still there in their boxes, untouched. My question to you is: what were we eating last night?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

So it sounded like a midget was barfing IN our walls again this morning ...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Hey so I just want to get straight to the point it was me who ate the last cupcake and it was your sister who I fucked last nigt

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(516): View more from New York

YOU DID DRUGS AFTER A THREESOME WHO ARE YOU TO JUDGE ME?!!?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Will you just get over yourself and come over here and give me that dick...then you can go back home and continue to cry over us breaking up. Thank you

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(303): View more from Colorado

Sharing a bathroom with a guy sucks. I always have to set an alarm for the middle of the night just so I can take a dump. Poop text btw

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

It's okay. My lingerie drawer is skanky enough for the two of us. Even across borders.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I did, I'm just saying. Once the drinking starts my nipples are no longer my control.

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(303): View more from Colorado

There are rocks in my bed. And dirt all over my face. Explain?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I tried to get you something for Valentine's Day too but they said they couldn't deliver skittles and ecstasy :(

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I'm with Tony. He said he volunteers his ball sack for waxing but you will have to wait a few weeks. It is a freshly shaved sack. I guess he thought he was gonna get lucky. Wtf?

(864): View more from South Carolina

Smooth sack

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(417): View more from Missouri

I just lit a candle in my room using axe and a lighter, that's how bored I am. Let's get schwasted.

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(274): View more from Wisconsin

Bring condoms and burritos. The rest will fall into place

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Stop inviting me to your birth control calender reminders...my job is to test its effectiveness, not know its schedule

(856): View more from New Jersey

Lmao sorry

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(718): View more from New York

If your relationships aren't working out because she doesn't have a penis THEN maybe you should give dudes another go

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(607): View more from New York

He's going to let me keep his bowl in my car. Does that make us Facebook official?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Oh, I never thought you were a dick. You were one of the best morally comprised ideas I've ever had.

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(319): View more from Iowa

ps I'm eating candy off our sex sheets. gotta say the only thing better than sweet tarts is sweet tarts with a hint of sex. perfect post vday situation

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(615): View more from Tennessee

When's a good time to tell your boyfriend you've slept with his ex girlfriend?

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(515): View more from Iowa

i would have thought, that you two being my best friends, one of you would have atleast tried to catch me before i hit the ground after blacking out.

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(916): View more from California

WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WRONG DAY TO COME TO CLASS STONED!! WE'RE WATCHING BIRTHING VIDEOS!!!!

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(517): View more from Michigan

all law school has taught me so far is how to fart quietly during lectures and how to out-argue the ice cream guy when he screws me out of extra toppings.

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(315): View more from New York

Ok fuckface listen up and listen good. 1.calling dibs on a chick out of your league is like applying for a job with a highlight video 2. dont fucking ski down the stairs again 3. if you do, put it on your highlight video

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(218): View more from Minnesota

You know when you blow me it's the softest, most amazing feeling ever. Like putting my dick in a silk bag filled with puppy ears.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You just threw your burrito at the passing teenage couple and yelled "It's never gonna last" of course your were a shit show

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(205): View more from Alabama

You fucked her?! HER?!

(1-205): View more from Alabama

She sent me a nudie pic with a bunch of weed nuggets all over her tits...what was I supposed to do? I don't hate America sir.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I just woke up to three dick pics. Apparently in my blacked out state. I was asking for them as the new valentines day card.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Of dear god, I've been waiting to have rug burn like this since I got bored of my vibrator 2 months ago

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(205): View more from Alabama

No. I'm just saying it shows no signs of stopping. My dad was a man-whore well into his 50s.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I wonder if her husband knows I have my own drawer at the apartment

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just entered us to win a trip to Vegas for spring break. GET YOUR VAGINA READY FOR THE ULTIMATE DICK HUNT!

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(567): View more from Ohio

Haha, apparently they frown upon male strippers there. Bouncers couldn't catch me tho.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

My goal for tonight is to swipe my debit card through those weird rolls on the back of a big bald guy's head.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1

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(318): View more from Louisiana

If I had a dollar for every time i woke up screaming for my pants i"d have enough money to buy all the beer I stole last night.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Okay. But I hope it isn't expensive lingerie. Because I'm ripping it off Hulk Hogan style.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

No exaggeration. At the gas station she handed me the mop from over the counter and told me that's my last drink of the night

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm lying topless with an eye infection at the foot of my bed with a dog between my legs. With disney in the background. Its one of those 3 am moments

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(406): View more from Montana

I defriended her. I just can't support someone whose profile picture is of their water birth.

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(847): View more from Illinois

When I ask you to make sure no ones coming while I'm changing.. The logical friend would keep watch. But you my, best friend come stand in front of me and flash everybody.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You passed out while holding my hair during a blow job.. i think your gona have to earn back blow jobs

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(212): View more from New York

No, I don't just love you because you have big boobs. I just wouldn't visit as often.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Come on. I'll make you hot pockets. Literally and sexually.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Listen. I don't care if its "nontoxic" im not putting it in my fucking vagina.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

They sat me on college avenue with a puke bucket and people were mistakenly throwing change in it. Got me enough money take a cab back to my apartment.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Who the fuck was that guy he kept pulling his dick out walking up to people trying to hand it to people and saying go ahead open the door like it was a door knob

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Safe to say I relapsed into my old chatroulette drunk flashing days.

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(661): View more from California

random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them

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(940): View more from Texas

...Saturday night. Get your dick ready. We are going to go nuts. I want to have sex fucking everywhere.

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(207): View more from Maine

It feels kinda weird thanking you for sucking my dick, but I just don't know what else to do right now

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

siamese drinking twins saturday is a go ... bring duct tape.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

By the way, playing "guess who I had sex with last night" was a great way to start a Thursday, or any day

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(529): View more from

Only I could run tino my father in law while looking at condoms at Rite Aid. At 730 on a Thursday morning. I'm in trouble.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He got thrown out for leaning over the bar topless and pouring himself some beer while singing the james bond song

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Legitimate concern. Who am I going to have birthday sex with?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Can we promise no matter what that we have sex the night the Mayan calendar runs out?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I took a few sips of my hugeee bottle of liquid Vicodin and smoked my one hitter and now I'm going thru my attic like Indiana Jones

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't text first unless I'm hammered...so ya I text first a lot

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Someday. I cant very well invite myself to his dorm room. And I'm 28. The excuses to be drunk and running into him at uconn are rather slim. Although I'm working on it.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Listen, don't freak out when you walk out on me masturbating in front of my roommate. No homo. He just needs to be put to his place.

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(904): View more from Florida

All i remember about last night is holding a bottle of bacardi and screaming challenge accepted!

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(314): View more from Missouri

CORAL IS FAR MORE RED THAN HER LIPS RED

(+04): View more from

Oh god you're Sonnet 130 drunk, aren't you.

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(916): View more from California

I woke up this morning at 8 to my roommates still drunk, hanging out on the roof, and screaming at bikers. They couldn't figure out why they were into it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Please please please buy brown eye liner on your way home in the morning... I'm missing an eyebrow

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(641): View more from Iowa

FUCK BUDDYS DON'T HOLD HANDS. NO EXCEPTIONS.

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(817): View more from Texas

I refuse to fuck a guy who needs a coozy for his beer. NOT EVEN IN DESPERATE TIMES LIKE THESE.

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(404): View more from Georgia

why is there a fishing net hanging from my ceiling fan?

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(518): View more from New York

I gave up trying to understand them years ago. Now I'm just trying to fuck them.

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(415): View more from California

She did my hair, then ate me out. Switching teams was an awesome decision.

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(207): View more from Maine

Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

when i saw his roomate the next night he kept openly referring to me as "the girl who orgasms loud" when he would try to get my attention

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(+61): View more from Australia

We haven't said piping hot jizz in awhile... that needs to come back into our conversations

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i know it happened because it happened right beside me, and at one point on top of me.

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(316): View more from Kansas

Chick in class has 69 tattooed on the back of her neck. Target acquired.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You played "let it burn" by usher 28 times, knocked over the 36 gallon fish tank, and passed out in the kitchen. Yeah...That drunk.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just did the math. It is, in fact, cheaper to go out drinking every weekend than it would be for me to pay for a legitimate therapist. What are you doing next Friday night?

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(561): View more from Florida

We didn't have sex but he is somehow naked and laying on top of me. his dick is touching my leg and freaking me the fuck out.

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(256): View more from Alabama

2000 dollars has been put in for bail money. Also we're signing contracts

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(425): View more from Washington

I wonder what it's like for my roommate to live bicuriously thro my sex life

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If graduating leads me to stop getting naked at inappropriate times in public places I'm going to be pissed

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(519): View more from Ontario

After seeing how much you are able to funnel in a night, I am 90% sure your blood is pure gin.

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(949): View more from California

I want to figure out a way to work "if you suddenly die, I might turn into an extreme hoarders" into my valentines day poem

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(714): View more from California

I don't think it counts as a walk of shame when it's someone you've wanted for 4 years. That's mission accomplished.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

My Valentine's Day plans just drastically changed... My F buddy just ran into my gf...in my driveway.

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(360): View more from Washington

He got completely naked and is now just standee there next to my bed poking at my hamster. Why can't I get sex the normal way.

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(330): View more from Ohio

It's home.......I'm going to the store in disguise to get skittles and cake frosting. Then I'll eat the frosting in a dark corner while I cry and wonder what I did to deserve this.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Happy heartbreak day....you got chocolates, I'm eating them/ throwing them out the window at passing couples

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Oh I already celebrated valentine's day. I stayed up until 4 AM listening to biggie, drinking rum, and caressing all my girl curves in front of the mirror. And then I came 3 times.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were in your third change of clothes, and I found you in my driveway passed out with my dog's food bowl. You win.

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave us all a pep talk at the bus stop at 1 AM. It involved cupcakes and somehow ended with her making out with her best friend. God bless college.

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(914): View more from New York

Bro, the freshmen are smoking in the park again, do you need ammo for ur paintball gun?

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(330): View more from Ohio

It started with jello shots. It ended with tears.

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(509): View more from Washington

he pulled a $400 bottle of champagne out of the back part of his toiled and I was ready to blow him then and there

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(512): View more from Texas

Before you even think your day was worse than mine, I had to disinfect and and stitch another dude's penis after his prince Albert got ripped out by an angry chick.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

is year to celebrate how much I love you, I made a mosaic of your penis with conversation hearts. it's in your mailbox.\n\nHAPPY VALENTINE'S DAY TO YOU

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(214): View more from Texas

Are we doing anything tonight after class for Valentine's Day or just being lazy and having sex?

(281): View more from Texas

If you expect me to say anything other than 'lazy and sex' you're crazzzzy!

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(314): View more from Missouri

I'm going on a valentine's date with the random guy i hooked up with in the bar bathroom this weekend...i feel like julia roberts

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel like delivery guys should know that when you order lunch for one and answer the door wearing sweatpants, there's no need to say "Happy Valentine's Day."

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

the number of desperate girls at the gym right now is unfair. it would be cruel not to let one blow me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Confidence is key. All I had to tell him is I'm drinking a bottle of wine and eating chocolate today to celebrate that I love myself. That's how you get a Valentine, my friend.

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(559): View more from California

I asked a lamppost to be my valentine. Also: I'm wearing a sombrero. We need more sombrero in our lives.

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(315): View more from New York

15 year-old stoners have those problems. we're college students dude. dont be like that...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

hey give me heads up if you're feeling vulnerable tomorrow night

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He ate me out on the kitchen floor while we waited for the cake to bake. How was your Valentines Day?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dear female. Happy valentines day. If you have not had the pleasure of making love to me, please do not fret, I will get around to it soon enough. If you indeed have made love to me, then bravo, wasn't that grand! Perhaps we should do it again? Regardless, have a good day. This has been a public service announcement. Rock on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

So someone just pointed out to me that during dinner, I mentioned more women that I'm attracted to than men. The transition might be complete. I'm gay.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I can't stream porn because Xbox live is taking all the Internet. I thought having a male roommate would make life easier.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I spent part of my valentines extracting candy hearts from a woman's vagina. The entire time I was thinking "this job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes. This job pays for my Mercedes."

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(240): View more from Maryland

Ya know, since we do have alot of sex with each other i figure i should wish you a happy valentines day

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(757): View more from Virginia

Is it cheating if its a threesome? This is more like a party game than infidelity.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

happy find a boyfriend by next Valentines Day. Its like a new years resolution but depressing

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(614): View more from Ohio

stop calling me dude. finger blasting me officially kills you being able to call me dude.

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(909): View more from California

I decided tomorrow is going to be great day wether my period likes it or not

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(760): View more from California

I love you. Happy valentines. Satin Patricks dayyyyyyyyyy. Alreadythrew up. Geeeeerait.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was high fiving everyone. I even high fived with the wall for doing such a good job suporting the ceiling and keeping us alive.

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(757): View more from Virginia

So I'm drunk playing pool in a bar with a guy I arrested last week for a DUI...if he recognizes me, shit's gonna get real.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Take off that red sweater and wear my vagina as a facemask.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Woke up naked wearing mismatched earrings. Didn't even make it to the bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuck your need to drink for whitney a thousand times last night.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Before I left he insisted on serenading me with a ukalele. I might be a little bit in love

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We're bowling witha frozen turkey in the hallway...ur missing out

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(641): View more from Iowa

Let me clarify that those tears were for losing my fuck buddy and his penis, not to the fact that he decided he wanted an actual relationship with feelings.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Im calling him

(606): View more from Kentucky

was mistake calling. If you drunk dial someone you deserve to choke on a tubesock. Take the advice. Always remember

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(310): View more from California

Have u seen my thong? Last time i saw it was drenched in vodka and on his brothers broken lamp.

(818): View more from California

Nah but tell him his boxers made it to the basement

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(561): View more from Florida

I'm laying in the fetal position on the floor of my kitchen eating potato salad with my fingers. Please come over with some real food and keep me company.

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(407): View more from Florida

Your cock is gonna weep like a baby

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd say I'd distract him, but I lose my psychic powers when guys get girlfriends. And by psychic powers I mean taking off my top.

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(805): View more from California

I have bruises all over from falling so much last night, I even have bruises on my arms from them picking me up off the street.. Oh vodka nights.

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(515): View more from Iowa

It's one of those mornings where you wake up and want to go to church for the first time in ten years. THAT shameful.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For Valentine's Day I've purchased six lighters and I'm decorating them for him. I'm on a full ride to an art school and this is what I'm using my talents for. An intervention is needed. Please stop letting me date stoners.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She just kept saying "bless your heart" to him while he cried because he came so fast. I think a Texas woman was just what he needed

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(+34): View more from Spain

You can't possibly imagine how much I miss you. At least I'll always have that hidden folder in my computer.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.

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(620): View more from Kansas

Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.

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(678): View more from Georgia

And I was aware of my actions - that is not a penis I will say no to until I have a ring on my finger

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

just watched a cripple ollie in his wheelchair to get on to the elevated floor in the bar. I. LOVE. WISCONSIN

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(513): View more from Ohio

Maybe I'll just get really drunk on valentines day and tell him I think his penis is small

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(909): View more from California

It's all fun and games until you throw up hot cheetos in your drawer.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I like to think I'd be good at dodging genitalia.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Well since its impossible for me to swallow a pill this big I'm making wine slushies out of them

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(304): View more from West Virginia

ALSO, I NEED TO BORROW A CAT. ASAP

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(563): View more from Iowa

I'll be listening to "I will always love you" and sobbing uncontrollably all night, care to join?

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(514): View more from Quebec

the mechanics of walkigng feel weird right now everyone lools like a demon

(514): View more from Quebec

what does alcohol mean

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(831): View more from California

I have already decided that it happened in an alternate universe since both of the people involved don't remember it and we only have the word of a sober person that it happened at all

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(714): View more from California

I had a moment while I was smoking where I was looking at these palm trees and I knew how dr Seuss came up with his characters.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tried to make out with a statue, turns out it was a person.

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(435): View more from Utah

I'm sorry and I love you. One day we're going to live in a whore mansion with our babies and make boys cry.

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(941): View more from Florida

Those two lesbians inspired me. A whole new way to roll. Fuck shots. Gallons of vodka is the new tequila.

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(727): View more from Florida

Drunk at ten am watching Californication re runs. Being divorced rules.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Nobody is here, I still yelled for someone to make me some toast. That my dear is commitment to doing nothing.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Sitting in back of morning lecture drinking a daqueri from my pink unicorn cup. Pretty sure the girl next to me smells it.

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(916): View more from California

My only regret is that I have but one penis to give to your vagina.

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(516): View more from New York

He ate me out while I was wearing a tiara.... I think I could get used to this

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I don't judge her for getting booty calls at 2 in the morning, so she can't judge me for staying in friday nights and putting spray cheese on pringles.

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(713): View more from Texas

Listening to Whitney Houston sing the National Anthem while I shit before going out tonight. America.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Beer pong consisted of me throwing a ball at the wall and then falling over because moving my arm made me dizzy. I think our team lost.

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(772): View more from Florida

So I met my girlfriends dad last night. Or should I say I re-met that mall cop that had to tackle me.

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(360): View more from Washington

well I already know I'm going to hell, at this point it's really go big or go home

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's one of those nights that you wish to god someone would booty call you, and then realize you'll just be stuck here with your poptart...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I can't talk to her. I know entirely too much about her genitals to hold a conversation without mentioning them.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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(707): View more from California

drunk her ninja stole one of the pizzas as it arrived and hid all of the pieces in a cereal box in the fridge.Genius.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Dating Detox Day 5: had to go out and buy new batteries. this may be harder than I thought

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I told my mom about how you got white girl wasted and sobbed about Whitney Houston. She sends her condolences.

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

tell her thanks so much

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(541): View more from Oregon

I will never in my life forget you letting the cat lick your tongue

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(785): View more from Kansas

Um...any recollection of peeing in the pantry

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(719): View more from Colorado

U know that drunk state, where at 930 the next morning your sitting in a bath in ur bathing suit trying to sober up...yeah. That's where i am..

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Oh my god what did I do. My hands are scraped, there are pickles on the floor, my clothes are wet, and I don't remember how I get here. Thank you.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I think I have so much sex with you to be sure you're actually straight.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Tell them you aren't trying to make money, you are just the mr rogers of weed,its such a good feeling a very good feeling the feeling you know that were friends

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

What bar did i puke in last night

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

by bar you must mean bars and by in you must mean on

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Beer coozy in the gym. Don't judge me.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going out w/ her for her b-day in a bit. I just talked to one of her drunk friends on the phone who asked if I could "handle 7 lesbian." This could be interesting.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."

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(318): View more from Louisiana

You have to figure out where to put this turtle dude

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(218): View more from Minnesota

After giving a back rub to someone in the bathroom of the theater, he ripped an "employees must wash hands" sign off the wall to prove that he could and proceeded to hang it up in his house.

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(646): View more from New York

According to this USDA thing I just read, I should either get upper respiratory issues or begin to bleed from my nose and mouth.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

NEVER LET ME DO THIS AGAIN I FEEL LIKE I'M GONNA SHIT MYSELF TO DEATH ARGHHHHHGHHG IS THIS WHAT DYSENTERY FEELS LIKE

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh, and I'm only keeping her around till spring. Doing the hunt for cunt is too tough in 12" of snow.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just witnessed my roommate pick her nose and eat it in her sleep. Remember, you made out with that.

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(425): View more from Washington

Wanna skype?

(1-425): View more from Washington

Can your lips gently and pleasantly suck on my balls via skype? If not, then no.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You almost set me on fire last night.

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

You probably deserved it.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Be there soon... with munchies, blow jobs and shoulder rubs.

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(315): View more from New York

I wish they could condense everything I needed, nutritionally speaking, into mike and ikes

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(714): View more from California

And after getting thrown out of the frat house, getting carried up the hill for a half an hour, puking 5 times, and almost getting stopped by campus security, she still insisted he sleep with her. Gotta give her credit, even blacked she kept her eyes on the prize

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(602): View more from Arizona

Woke up shivering behind the titty bar, With the worst leg cramps. I'm like a poster boy for responsibility.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I have a cut on my head from a tambourine.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need a therapist, but moreover we are going to be really drunk.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't mind the bowl full of ashes in the sink. I meant to set that on fire.

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(516): View more from New York

Maybe tomorrow I'll be drunk again and can provide you with texts at a more reasonable hour. Here's hoping. GOodnight. Tebow loves you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It's pitch dark except for the glow sticks, someone turned the heat up as high as it would go and the bathroom is flooded. Also think I just stepped on someone's face.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I feel like our low point of the night was when we had to start chasing with ice cubes and wheat thins.

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(571): View more from Virginia

How dare you. Idk what you called me, and neither does google translate, but you better take it back.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

if the future wants me to fuck him, then i guss i have to

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Valentines day isn't about being a couple in love..... It's about chocolate and faking orgasms.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If she says "This is how acid feels" one more time I'm never trip-sitting them again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Hey had an urgent voicemail from the Illinois national guard....have you been using my identity for your blackout weekend?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

Yes and yes

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I could probably do something when Im able to get enough strength to think about thinking about to stand.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Picking up hoes with my dad is going to make it a little harder, but ay, if thats how he wants to bond after 23 years, Ill give it a shot

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(979): View more from Texas

She is just sitting by the bathroom like a little puppy waiting for a knight in shining armor to take her in there to fuck her. New low?

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(719): View more from Colorado

Ok! I picked up an anti-celebratory bottle of champagne on the way to dinner for her going to rehab. That's how I feel about this...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude you took some guys glasses off his face and ran out of the bar

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Drunk you assumed that me saying I thought squirrels were cute meant for you to trap one in my car by luring it in with ham. You're going to hell for this.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nobody understands how my tooth became embedded in the ceiling last night.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

The bartender was shocked when I took the mop bucket from him and told him I'd take care of my friends puke.

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(805): View more from California

Remember when we had a keg, and then another 5 cases... and like 30 people drank it all?

(313): View more from Michigan

Everything hurts.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Like, actually questioning if you ate dog shit last night

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(501): View more from Arkansas

You threw up? Were you ladylike while you did it? I'm wagering that you were. Like a Disney princess. Like a "Puke Me Pretty" Barbie.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I want to miss work tomorrow on account of violent projective vomit... Make it happen

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(561): View more from Florida

This is my first time seeing you since your lesbian experience. SO EXCITED!

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I meant to thank you again for giving up a potential interracial threesome to come to my party. I'm glad you stayed!

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(631): View more from New York

She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.

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(574): View more from Indiana

I was too sleepy and drunk to verbally annihilate anyone and ruin their reason for being. So i just opted to sleep with the fitted sheet on the floor

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(214): View more from Texas

Well... He is a good looking man underneath all the fat and muff.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

And on the seventh day, God carefully sculpted your cock to fit perfectly into my masterpiece of a vagina. Then he rested. Look it up.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..

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(315): View more from New York

So some sort of safe sex group just flash mobbed the bar by putting condoms over people's beers.

(315): View more from New York

They left screaming as a hale of lubbed up condoms rained into their hair.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Pissed along side the highway while waving at all the traffic... if thats not a sign of a productive night to come then idk what is

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(905): View more from Ontario

ATTN: We are officially 15 weeks from our annual "Get-Mega-Stoned-and-BBQ" event. Start saving up the proper supplies. That is all.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I just put on eyeliner and a diff shirt in case the pizza guy is cute. This is what my dating life has come to

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(678): View more from Georgia

When I don't want to forget things I put them on my cigs.

(678): View more from Georgia

C smoking isn't all bad

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(559): View more from California

No, I googled it. Apparently, male thongs are the next snuggy and a lot of guys love wearing them for the support.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Oh damn. God have mercy on everything w a dick in a ten mile radius.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Why do I only have half my beard? My chin is so naked...

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(254): View more from Texas

What's the politically correct way of saying you've made someone your bitch?

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(712): View more from Iowa

You crossed every boundary on the boundary spectrum last night. You're like the illegal immigrant of drunk actions. No more holiday drinking for you.

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(678): View more from Georgia

doing shots of $6 a bottle whiskey and chasing it with milk. my own personal way of saying fuck life.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

wine lets you be on time to class apparently

(619): View more from California

This is a dangerous realization

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(206): View more from Washington

What can I say? I like my food like I like my women, not entirely fucked by our contemporary world.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Seriously though a big penis is like a puppy dog, or a sunny day or some other glorious thing

(1-250): View more from British Columbia

You are such a penis elitist

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(816): View more from Missouri

I cant be sure, but i think ive been drunk in this church before.

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(248): View more from Michigan

See, it wasn't that I broke my nose having sex. Its that I forgot about the bedposts...

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(760): View more from California

But first time having sex and he went down on me twice?! I'm gonna marry this guy

(530): View more from California

I'll make sure to include that in my bridesmaid toast

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(319): View more from Iowa

Dude..this is the third year in a row me and him have fucked at a super bowl party..does that count as a tradition?

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(708): View more from Illinois

you asked my brother if you could eat the cupcake that you found. you were showing him a baked potato

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(614): View more from Ohio

Of course drinkings involved. They don't call it alcoholism because we eat too many skittles.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Prepare for tons of dick. I mean dick by the bucket loads. Waterfalls if cock.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just wanna lay in my bed all bundled up as have someone feed me lettuce

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(816): View more from Missouri

Let me put it this way - if I had a list of things I would like between my legs, she would rank below the cello I turned into firewood sophomore year.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm on my fifth cocktail in twenty minutes. I don't think I will end this on two legs.

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(831): View more from California

I HOPE YOURE READY TO KICK SOME SERIOUS ASS AT TRIVIA NIGHT TOMORROW NIGHT. also, i hope the birth of your niece goes well. BUT MOSTLY TRIVIA NIGHT.

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(301): View more from Maryland

ITS A JAGER BOTTLE. NOTHING CAN BE BAD IF ITS JAGER RELATED.

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(906): View more from Michigan

As i was walking home this morning some old lady was walking her dog and i said hello to her as our paths in life met, then i proceeded to puke in someones front yard and never looked back

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Between the walk of shame, bar fight, karaoke, injuries, number of bar check-ins, and variety/quantity of alcohols and Advil consumed, I'd say HookerFest 2012 was a raging success.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

In other news, shitting yourself is not an acceptable way to start a Thursday.

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(914): View more from New York

at the end of the day, college isnt gonna be for everyone... and some of us are just going to have to learn how to breathe underwater while sucking cock.

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(469): View more from Texas

Well I went on a freakin rampage and destroyed a fan and claimed that it wasn't doing its fan duties... Then I knocked on everybody's doors in the hall and asked if they were content with their fan's performance and if not I would take care of it...

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(703): View more from Virginia

Woke up next to a tiki torch spooning a plastic flamingo on a welcome mat i've never seen before with a "happy valentines day" balloon tied to my wrist, oh yeah and "i am a cougar" is written on my chest in sharpee and all the kitchen furniture is upside down...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.

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(906): View more from Michigan

It doesn't matter how many times you look in your purse, Your keys are not going to be there. Maybe you left them at the bar.

(1-906): View more from Michigan

Maybe they fell out of my pocket last night when I rolled down the hill.

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(587): View more from Alberta

You know it's a good party when even the dealers were too fucked up. Just found and counted 140 E pills I found in a bag in the couch. Just paid for weed this month.

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(416): View more from Toronto

We were fucking at break-dick speeds.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I got to explain to the guys at work today how i had no choice but to go to a gay bar because I was handcuffed to a lesbian.

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(707): View more from California

It was the best present I've gotten since I was 5 and I got a fucking easy bake oven. I'm not pregnant for realsies. Celebratory party at the house tonight. Invite all the nice dicks you know.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Bonus points if someone shits their pants. Only 1/2 bonus points if it's you

(571): View more from Virginia

Bonus points are bonus points regardless

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(647): View more from Ontario

Think I pulled my pelvic muscle.

(416): View more from Toronto

I think I pulled my ashamed of myself muscle.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He's single. I'm single. We should rekindle our eighth grade romance over a box of wine and carefree sex.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He walked into the bar right as I was licking the shotglass clean. We made eye contact for way too long..

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I don't know what possessed you to do that, but you have to give the stripper more money before you try to check her oil or they are going to throw us out every time you do that.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

That's all? I'm a pro at gay chicken. I'll touch his dick, I have no problem with that.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

With your fertility you would just get contact pregnant

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(937): View more from Ohio

we went 3 years between hookups and she got a lot better. Amanda's moving way up the booty call pecking order.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm so hungover all I can do is stare at my curser and hope it starts moving on its own

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Sincerely would love to tap that, on a mountain with the wind blowing on your pubes .

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(716): View more from New York

The party got busted because you two got caught having sex on the neighbors trampoline, come on man.

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(714): View more from California

It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just stop talking to douche bags. How do you manage to attract every asshole within a 100 mile radius?

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

If i could answer that i wouldn't be so afraid to move to a more populated area

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(559): View more from California

I just took my birth control with a water bottle I found in my purse with vodka in it in Spanish class. 10am is still too early for me.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I feel like god wrote up a contract of my life, and i just signed off on that shit without reading the fine print.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I rode a bull tonight, There is absolutely no reason my dick is not in some chicks mouth

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(810): View more from Michigan

Called my dealer in tears and we talked for an hour until I felt better. That's the way it should be.

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(703): View more from Virginia

No. I'm wrapped up in my sheets like a burrito. Carry me

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

But hes like a baby bird with a broken wing that i want to FUCK.

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(917): View more from New York City

sometimes after I smoke and the high has gone away...the high will come back like three hours later for a brief yet gripping ride.

(917): View more from New York City

that's usually when I end up in someone's house, having sex with someone else, while that someone's roommate makes us mozzarella sticks.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I heard an explosion in the backyard. You told me you were playing "will it burn".

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(970): View more from Colorado

Uh no. you let me handle it. trust me: I can paint the Mona Lisa in tints of bitch.

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(361): View more from Texas

Quesedillas should not make me weep and drinking water should not make me feel like god is giving me mouth to mouth. Never again.

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(770): View more from Georgia

We need to tone down the drinking before our 7pm class. I don't remember receiving any of these handouts.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just so we're clear this time around: This is dinner with my FAMILY. Not an opportunity for you to drink too much, and use the word "dick-thumpin" in casual conversation.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I can't in good conscience help you bag a Catholic girl who isn't at least a 7.

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(509): View more from Washington

My asshole is basically a geyser at this point. Minus the excitement. Plus blood.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Omg, looked at my call history, and judging by the times of calls it took me like half hour to walk home frommcds

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(641): View more from Iowa

You might not want to come home tonight. Mom just found your vibrator and now she won't stop sobbing and holding a framed picture of you as a little kid.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Is that a tongue signal to get over there? That's how my two heads are taking it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Taco Bell drive through. Chick got out of the car in front of us and threw up on the hood of my car!

(503): View more from Oregon

Not okay.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found that video of you jumping onto my exercise ball feet-first and face-planting into my shoe rack.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mike is worried about me going on a cruise in June without him....how cute he thinks we are going to last till June

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(540): View more from Virginia

how did my horoscope know i was too hungover to operate a stove.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Just make sure my intervention has a theme...

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(520): View more from Arizona

I got pulled into the conversation by "she sleeps with everybody" then "she" involved sleeping with "cocks the size of a viva burrito"

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(619): View more from California

Jazzercise themed birthday pub crawl. 6 bars in 6 hours.everyone was a hot mess.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Did you get any last night. I need to track my forever aloneness

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(740): View more from Ohio

Someone painted a weed leaf on my leg with red paint. Or blood. I hope paint.

(740): View more from Ohio

Holy fuck just found a used tampon in the leg of my pants. it's not paint. It's. Not. Paint.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

This must be what defeat feels like to Tom Brady today. I bet he wishes he could barf up all of his bad decisions from yesterday, too.

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(315): View more from New York

The last time I saw you, you were rolling around on the ground at the bar.....

(507): View more from Minnesota

.....well it was bound to be an interesting night since I was chasing my pulls with pulls....

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(214): View more from Texas

Nope. Daytime is texting time. Night time is you send me naked pictures time.

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(619): View more from California

We stopped midfuck cuz a guy was walking his dog. Who the fuck walks their dog in the dorm parking structure at 3am!?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.

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(301): View more from Maryland

And I just had to awkwardly tell 3 police officers that I was having sex and not in any trouble

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(518): View more from New York

My sister was not impressed when she got here. I was standing in the doorway in my underwear drinking a beer. At 2pm. On a Monday.

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(516): View more from New York

What's grosser: using a dirty sex towel as an oven mitt? or using the oven to reheat superbowl bean dip for dinner?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(613): View more from Ontario

have i crossed some slutty boundary when gay guys are sending me cock pics?

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(931): View more from Tennessee

i cannot be the only guy who has bought the every day with rachael ray magazine for use as porn

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tomorrow, if I don't look at least 5% better than I do on a regular day to day basis, I want you to hit me and tell me that no one will ever love me if I continue to look like I just rolled out of a cocaine induced hibernation. I'm asking you for tough love.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Whoever brought the pigeon, please come and remove it from my living room.

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(661): View more from California

No, fuck buddies don't get birthday party privledges...

(661): View more from California

Sorry.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Highlight of the night: paying my cell phone bill at the bar... I need to get laid.

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(850): View more from Florida

There's a person in my phone named motor boat. I love making new friends.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.

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(406): View more from Montana

Can I tell him I got herpes from your bong instead of from that guy who claimed to be an olympic diver?

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(416): View more from Toronto

Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.

(647): View more from Ontario

Would it have been easier if he talked to her?

(416): View more from Toronto

Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.

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(310): View more from California

Just thought i'd let you guys know that my dad was roofied at a lesbian bar last night...

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(813): View more from Florida

Please never let me the drunk fat dancer in the bus girl

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You have all been randomly chosen to participate in a new game called: how high was I? If you have any information about this or about where my clothing items went give me a shout. Thanks an good luck.

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(613): View more from Ontario

How do you say "get out of my apartment" in Spanish. No time to explain, just tell me.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I feel like every picture I upload of him on facebook where you can see his purity ring, I should make the caption "something in this picture does not belong"

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(516): View more from New York

So I think I might just embrace the awkwardness and say he fingerblasted her cause thats the greatest word in existence

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(203): View more from Connecticut

No, trust me. Falling down the stairs is a fucking sobering experience.

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(360): View more from Washington

She is wasted and this random lady got her to suckle milk from her tit

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(915): View more from Texas

With me living this close to Mexico now, Tequila is just a geographical choice at this point if nothing else.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Given everything we have talked about, is it wrong to ask you to be faithful to me, despite still dating him?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Remember when I referred to my box of wine as my briefcase and made all of those stupid jokes about working overtime? Thanks for ignoring my cry for help.

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(914): View more from New York

The fact that she put a frat guy in check tells me I did some good raising my little sister. Time to see if she does keg stands.

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(760): View more from California

Missing both credit cards and just had a flashback of grinding my nuts on the terrified cab driver for amusement. i am feeling a slight hate for myself right now.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I think I need to donate blood to see if I have Hepatitis. Again.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway

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(478): View more from Georgia

He passed out with the ball in his hand so no one could play beer pong without him.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He came into your room last night to tell me he was leaving, when I woke up this morning he was facedown in your hallway. He didn't make it very far.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No The bastards made me buy a new one, They don't cover water damage an apparently they consider salsa water damage

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(281): View more from Texas

I feel like someone kicked me repeatedly in the ribs. I don't think sex is supposed to do that.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You can't start the super bowl without starting a kitchen fire making cole slaw. Its unamerican.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

I don't even want to know

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(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah. Rock bottom was him passing out and saying "are you putting a condom on me?" and me covering his mouth and saying shhhhh�

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(203): View more from Connecticut

A pack of naked men just sprinted down the street screaming in German. It's 5 AM.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were so high you insisted on spoon feeding me your KFC bowl while I was driving.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

Was who let the dogs out playing?

(708): View more from Illinois

Ya. You started barking when it ended

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was up all night on suicide watch. Dave was wasted and tried to strangle himself. With his own hands.

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(+79): View more from

You disappeared for an hour and showed back up with handfuls of bratwursts and yelled at my girlfriend that if she didn't eat them, that the nazis win

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm just planning on experiencing Disney as adult style as it gets. Drinking bloody mary's at dawn and telling all the kids waiting in lines how badly their future sucks and that Santa isn't real.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he's home with a concussion now...but apparently i'm still the highlight of his freshman year

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(916): View more from California

I got a dollar bill stuffed into my bra on two separate occasions by two separate guys simply for having boobs. I feel like somewhere god is patting himself on te back while pointing at me goin "you're welcome dude." easiest two bucks I ever made.

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(573): View more from Missouri

i woke up and saw you were brushing his hair naked. I can never pass out around you, man.

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(206): View more from Washington

He made me write my name on his wall in crayon so he'd be able to remember it in the morning

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(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing says "you're fucked" like watching a movie with the family and a handle of vodka comes crashing down from your hiding spot in the ceiling tiles.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I had to explain to the waiter that I'm not the DD because I can't drive, but as the Designated 'Make Sure No One Gets Roofied Or Hit By A Car On The Walk Home'-er, I should still get the free drinks.

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(469): View more from Texas

On the oral sex Super Bowl board I drew 7 and 1. If I get lucky, someone will be swallowing during Madonna's half time. I'm sure she'd approve.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Food lion is just a portal. Cheetos are the goal. Its like not banging a super hot chick cause she is french. She still has the same parts just from a different box.

(336): View more from North Carolina

Now I am going to fly my toy helicopter in the dark.

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(940): View more from Texas

Leaving your birthday party to engage in a threesome IS allowed. I checked the rule book.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I think I might be drunk enough to cut my own hair

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I made a Wendy's employee say fuck this and quit because I started flipping out due to a baked potato shortage. Of course I had a good night

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(716): View more from New York

it's gotten to the point where there are no existing good choices. even our good choices are bad choice by anyone's standards but ours.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He stood up, threw the bag of bud between me and Tory, yelled "Fight" and then ran upstairs for the pizza

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Chicken wings don't come back up an through your nose as easily as you'd think

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(678): View more from Georgia

Of course the bar would go completely silent right as I yell out "I don't have AIDS"

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(434): View more from Virginia

Apparently campus cops frown on lighting a joint off of the eternal flame on Jerry Falwell's grave...

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You were throwing up and said, "Whipe my face, I must look presentable at all times."

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(556): View more from

I peed in my sheets during a dream. Like straight up. A whole new drunk.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He made me this shot called the allergen. It was a shot of vodka with a Claritin dropped in it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Parents said they were cutting off my AmEx card. So I immediately went up to the liquor store and purchased $550 of booze before it was canceled. I'm expecting your arrival in 30 minutes.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Lights are FLASHING. This just got REAL. CAPTALIZATION.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Ong my arms are moving wo my consent

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(307): View more from Wyoming

being pregnant is like rehab

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(708): View more from Illinois

My stepdad and I just tag-team hit on a server at McDonald's. This is the man I should have grown up with.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

She said " I'm going to get her back one day soon for putting extacy in my pop while I drove her to whislter" just a heads up.

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(248): View more from Michigan

my mom just walked in on me in the shower doing the "ass hair shave" pose.

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(567): View more from Ohio

I think I should advise against you hooking up with a guy that throws "the shocker" up in all of his pictures on facebook. Just sayin.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

You left for an hour, then walked up to us at the bar, pulled 80 dollars out of your bra and yelled " drinks are on him".

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(331): View more from Illinois

My sister hid me from my parents, brought me a bloody mary, and told my girlfriend I was out with my dad. For 13, I got to say she's working out pretty good.

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(404): View more from Georgia

my professor saw me buying beer for the super bowl and said go patriots. thats how i know im getting an A in his class.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

you want a dog just so you can strap a barrel of hot chocolate around its neck?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tough to be a good wingman when you puke on yourself and everyone w/in a 5 ft radius at the FIRST bar we go to so don't tell me to step my game up

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(503): View more from Oregon

Totally passed out on the dealers bed after paying him all in ones so no, i dont think i'll be getting a discount soon.

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(719): View more from Colorado

New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.

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(925): View more from California

But apparently I got kicked in the head by a stripper at some point

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(253): View more from Washington

Just peed on my foot. Thank you Sunday hangovers.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I'm not sure any amount of coworker judgement will keep me from eating oatmeal with dinosaur eggs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

why would you automatically assume i'm high...

(240): View more from Maryland

you just told me you're eating the powder of a lemonade mix.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.

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(+61): View more from Australia

Dude, you chugged an entire bottle of tomato sauce and got us free drinks for the night. No way was I gonna stop you.

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(779): View more from Illinois

I smell like gasoline and adventure.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When I said 'i love my boyfriend' I didn't mean 'send me a picture of your penis'.

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(352): View more from Florida

She ended up puking in the bathroom. But she's a good drunk... i told her to stay in there so i could dance til the club closed. She was still in the stall an hour later.

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(518): View more from New York

Just pull your dick out and wink at her, its a game changing play

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm at the bar alone. Is this how you feel?

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't care how stoned you are, I'm not driving to a different state for a burrito

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(712): View more from Iowa

You know how hard it is to jerk off in a bathtub with a dog staring at you?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She has a boyfriend. But if he's a decent human being he understands blowjobs don't count as cheating with her. Keeping those miracles to himself is a crime against humanity.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Stolen hampster on my tits. Don't tell me I don't know how to party.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

YOU CAN'T BASE A RELATIONSHIP OFF A PENIS

(443): View more from Maryland

I LIKE HIS TONGUE TOO.

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(940): View more from Texas

This guy just asked me to stab his arm with my keys to make sure he wasn't dying.

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(713): View more from Texas

There's no point in calling it Big Titties Tuesday if girls with big tits don't get anything special

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(707): View more from California

Why would you fall asleep? This is why i cant drink with my lesbian friends anymore. They take my clothes off and get vodka in my top ramen. Only yoouuu can prevent forest fires.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously just confirmed via our bathroom scale that a keg weighs 170lbs

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(770): View more from Georgia

I had to drink a couple beers this morning so I could attend the keg race. Hangover had to dissipate or it wasn't happening.

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(607): View more from New York

Did strip banana grams actually happen last night

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(906): View more from Michigan

Between my vag yelling at me for having bad sex and my legs yelling at me for going to the gym I cant hear myself think.

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(519): View more from Ontario

The waitress just told me I'm asking alot. So far I've asked for a soul, an angel and carbombs

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(862): View more from New Jersey

woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's not meant to be. I also just shot a turkey baster of gin into Nate's eye, so....

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(770): View more from Georgia

Your subconscious sucks. Mine is awesome. I have a recurring dream where I manage a chocolate factory run by big titted hookers.

(504): View more from Louisiana

A) you're a liar. B) that would be awesome.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I made out with a guy because he was sitting on my coat...

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(970): View more from Colorado

That's cool. At least the punch line of my story isn't I shit in a booth at Denny's.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Dedicating my hangover to whoever the hell I hooked up with in the bathroom last night.

(571): View more from Virginia

just kidding, dedicating it to the gods of mexican food. omnomnom

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up next to her boyfriend and she woke up next to mine....

(617): View more from Massachusetts

This is like a fucked up game of musical chairs.

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(917): View more from New York City

"it's Wednesday" isn't a good enough excuse to take my debit card and use it for your own drunken needs. You owe me 250 bro

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(210): View more from Texas

you tried turning the bar into a spelling b competition last night and every time someone couldn't spell something you would make them chug.

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(949): View more from California

I left his apartment Bc I lost my id. Wandered 5 miles barefoot. Got lost in downtown la. My phone died so I asked for directions from a man at the gas station.. Turns out he was a bum. He led me back to the apartment AND he found my id.

(702): View more from Nevada

It's like the whiskey god was watching over you

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(419): View more from Ohio

The first couple times was just weird, but after last night, I'm beginning to think you have a real problem banging pregnant women who are carrying someone elses child.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I've thrown up twice at work. Just casually, in the mop sink. Then continued to make someone a milkshake. Want some ice cream?

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(650): View more from California

It's my coworker's last day party and I'm the one who ended up shitfaced on the train with half a bottle of belvedere in my bag.

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(541): View more from Oregon

THIS NIGHT WILL NOT GO DICKLESS

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

There's a black statue of liberty dancing on the side of the road. Please hold while I join him.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Christ, I really took the slutcake last night.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Wait. Someome brought slutcake?

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm gonna fingerblast you when you get off work. Get ready.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he told me he didn't know whether he was gonna puke, pass out, or cum. i don't know if i should be flattered or offended.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude shes not that fat. Plus, last night I probably would've done it too.

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(206): View more from Washington

We're in the emergency room. He concussed himself trying to pop all the bubbles on my "one bubble a day" wall calender with his face.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm an EMT, not a miracle worker. No, I can't fix your sprained dick.

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(281): View more from Texas

I walked into the kitchen and twelve of them were just staring at the oven. Freshmen are the weirdest drunks ever.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I need moral support for this bender

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(530): View more from California

Maybe I'm a robot.

(831): View more from California

You can't be that drunk already

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(954): View more from Florida

I feel like "stop licking my face" isn't something that needs to be repeated twice

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(904): View more from Florida

Great. Now I'm always going to be the roommate that boned a guy with a third nipple.

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(850): View more from Florida

if i'm ever face-down on the ground puking again, promise me you won't try to braid my hair?

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(802): View more from Vermont

My mom just called me to tell me that i dont have chlamydia. Awkward.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I took an adderall. This is weird. My eyes are really wide open and I am really good at staring. I've written on 9 peoples walls and updated my status. I am getting shit DONE!

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(613): View more from Ontario

I think not having bongs in close range is good for my academia

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(626): View more from California

Aside from the fact that im drinking wine straight from the bottle to save doing dishes, im also standing in front of the oven to save turning on the heater. its gonna be a rough winter.

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(360): View more from Washington

You stumbled in at 10am, half-clothed and still drunk from last night and yelled "well, its not called a walk of pride!", then passed out on the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Top hats and gin. This is why I love day drinking.

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(509): View more from Washington

Oh shut up man. Once the police get involved its every man for themself.

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(734): View more from Michigan

He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Now you have tequila AND fuzzy slippers. Fuck you. I want that to be MY night.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Better than road-head. Just got model-home-head. Also got a disapproving scowl of judgment from the realtor on the way out.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Now that there's no chance of him coming over to fuck anymore, I'm going to put up a one-person tent in my bedroom and live in it. My bed reminds me of him.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

"can of pringles" is totally a legitimate measure of time

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(801): View more from Utah

Hungover/still slightly drunk at work. Opened a bag of cheese with a box cutter. Pretty sure I need stitches.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok John needs to move to the other side of the county. I do not like to be approached for a blow job in the produce section of Holiday Market.

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(646): View more from New York

Your friend who drunkenly cleaned the kitchen just wished the class a Happy National Tutu Day. While wearing a tutu. Make a move or I'm gonna marry her.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I dropped my blunt out the window of a moving car by accident, tell me everything will be okay

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I don't end up being a booty call for Valentine's Day, you wanna go to the movies?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Februarys looking very promising in the vaginal department

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(801): View more from Utah

walk of shame this morning involved walking through the in-home daycare that she runs while it was full of kids. judgemental little shits. on a plus, got a juice box and a graham cracker for the walk home.

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(707): View more from California

She pulled a wad of lint out of my bellybutton while she was blowing me. Said she's never seen anything like it. I've never gone soft so fast.

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(+33): View more from France

I think her version of saying goodnight was being flung over a guys shoulder as he said, "Bitch. You don't need no shoes."

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I tried to bribe him with road head and his toothbrush.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Didn't get the job. Searched for my references on FB and saw the pic of me weighing my head passed out.

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(269): View more from Michigan

There are several different types of life sentences in my purse right now.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude, you bit through my nipple. Give it a week, damn.

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(406): View more from Montana

I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I've watched enough of my roommate's imported Japanese satellite to know when the exchange students are calling me a whore.

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(903): View more from Texas

All of a sudden i love everyone. In all their flawed and failing beauty. This is pretty good weed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

While looking for an apartment, I've realized that the way I rate balconies is on the "how easy would it be to smoke weed here" scale.

(602): View more from Arizona

What other scale is there?

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(410): View more from Maryland

i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last

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(516): View more from New York

Believe it or not, that's part of the whole 'best friend' thing. It's not just yelling at me for making you leave the club early or taking the couch bc I'm doing sex while you're doing bjs.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

If life deals in absolutes, the in betweens are the most hairy.... Fortune cookie wisdom from a stoned Megan.

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(773): View more from Illinois

despite the cops showing up at 8am, pre gaming groundhog day was my idea yet. and by pre gaming, i of course mean getting black out drunk by 7:30am

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(541): View more from Oregon

I will no longer accept being cock blocked in my own bed.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I pissed myself at the bar so I threw away my wet underwear and kept partying... you act you've never done that before

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(347): View more from New York

Had to belly crawl across the floor to the toilet with my eyes closed to puke my life out without making my hangover worse. Three times.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

So I think before Superbowl weekend begins we should all take a look back on last year and learn from our pitfalls... AKA no touchdown shots and kitchen crying.

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(443): View more from Maryland

you'll be horrified to know he's visiting next weekend

(703): View more from Virginia

You two are a rollercoaster of sex and silence.

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(806): View more from Texas

Note for the future: whiskey syrup is AMAZING on 3am pancakes.

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(518): View more from New York

You know Im horny if Im walking around in my lingerie and sex robe. It's my field of dreams mentality. If I wear it, he will come.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting next to a ginger. She is decked out in olive green. Gingers fucking love olive green.

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(949): View more from California

We found her on a strangers doorstep chanting "I know someone will let me in" it took 2 of us to drag her to the car.

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(206): View more from Washington

You know what, I don't care that I got too drunk and didn't make it into the boat party. If I had, I probably wouldn't have peed on you later while we soundly slept. I feel you need that in a best friendship.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'll be there. With Doritos and whisky. Don't expect much more.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

When we were grinding I think your nuva ring fell into my shoe

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well girls crying gets you hard so you're not really a good standard to me

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(520): View more from Arizona

I am just pathetic enough to be sitting on the couch with my cat drinking absinthe and vodka watching moulin rouge. Hello, tuesday night.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Oh my Christ. I just came so hard my penis stood back up and took a bow afterwards. I need Thai food.

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(705): View more from Ontario

You hid from a cop under some guy's canoe on his lawn.. It didnt work

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Priorities: waking up on your doorstep desperately clutching half a meatball marinara but with no sign of your keys, purse or housemate. Where are you?!

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(264): View more from Anguilla

I thought it went well, but he just sent me a video of me sucking an icicle on the fire escape of his building with the caption "The ice got more than I did." Somehow I feel like I owe him a blowjob.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Either I'm drunk or judge Judy has 3D commercials...so I think I'm drunk. Also I may or may not haven eaten a hoagie on the toilet when I didn't want to stand up

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Was last night real? Did I lick your forehead while you laid in between my legs while we laid next to your boyfriend?

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(561): View more from Florida

Yes but that point is quickly negated bc u should never have to search more than one room to find your underwear.

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(406): View more from Montana

K, so let's go ahead and say that mcnugget and margarita Tuesday was a bad idea

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(615): View more from Tennessee

fun fact #6 about tuesday nights: giving head with two 40s taped to your hands is not as easy as you would think

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(317): View more from Indiana

do you think they make 'sorry for walking in on you drunkenly jacking of to a picture of me' cards?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

We smoked speed and opium for the first time. ended up harvesting cucumbers with locals at 9am in a farmers field. Laos is fuckin crazy.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Except there is my pee all over the walls now

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He sprained his penis one time

(603): View more from New Hampshire

He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis

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(409): View more from Texas

Someone at all my grapes... if it was you or one of your hoodrat friends I swear to god I'll shit in your shampoo

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(913): View more from Kansas

How do I know I'm high? Let me count the ways.

(913): View more from Kansas

1. I put the milk in the cupboard, 2. Everything tastes fucking amazing, 3. My dog is really soft, 4. The lunesta butterfly flew out of my tv and touched me

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(941): View more from Florida

I'm in a pile of cheezits at an unfamiliar location watching dateline on tlc. Stage an intervention.

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(410): View more from Maryland

fat chick, vomit on the dog, and three unidentifiable pills in my ear. all in the same ear. what the hell happened after the guests showed up?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I couldn't find the bathroom last night...so I wrapped myself in the curtains and stuck my butt out the window and peed from two stories up. Thank god I don't remember.

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(561): View more from Florida

6 beers and it feels like I've been drinking water... Daiquiri time

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(410): View more from Maryland

The fact that every guy you've slept with since you've lost virginty either have the same first or last name isn't normal.

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(419): View more from Ohio

You remember that guy i fucked in Ireland who stopped in the middle to talk about why he had 8 pillows on his bed? Yeah he's following me on twitter...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I tackled a mailbox like a linebacker. He almost broke his hip and his friend lit a bottle rocket off inside of the car. Yes it was a successful night.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's drinking vodka out of a windex bottle. She is spraying it in her mouth and at strangers.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You were walking around in your swim suit, an open robe, snow boots and a death grip on that handel of captain morgan.

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(917): View more from New York City

I could really do without pictures of your asses in my inbox. That said, I'm extremely jealous that I wasn't involved.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I don't know what to be prouder of: the fact that last night i was able to successfully find my way home from evanston with 3-d glasses on, or that i was able to make my way around my house in the dark with my pants around my ankles

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(336): View more from North Carolina

By "met a doctor" I really mean "fucked a pre med student"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

So are you still down for me to come stay with you and just have sex on vicodin all weekend?

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Your message has been received by an unknown user. Picture verification required.

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(815): View more from Illinois

You picked a jagger girl up claimed her then walked out the door with her that was the last we saw of you

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You kept me hostage in your driveway until you got your point across that alaska has warm weather

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Whatever. I'm just trying to get my dick sucked while taking online harmonica lessons

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(65): View more from

Drinking franzia alone at noon watching a cheese themed episode of "The Chew" I'm ready to admit I need a job.

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(830): View more from Texas

No one would take shots with Caroline so she asked the bartender for like 20 jagerbombs and then shouted "JAGERBOMBS FOR HOMELESS ANIMALS BENEFIT" and everyone started doing them with her

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The last bar we left there was a sausage stand right outside and I apparently felt bad those guys were working that late, so I bought a $9 sausage, gave it to some drunk kid and said "I support local businesses!!" I'd say I've done my civic duty.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

let's see, i ended up walking for an hour towards a macdonalds that didnt exist, sprinted full tilt into a powerline, and left a 30 dollar tip to a waitress at dennys we made friends with. I REGRET NOTHING

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(630): View more from Illinois

he peed on his own floor last night after we left the bar. pretty much sums up how i feel about the evening

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(707): View more from California

Come on, without my personality, I'm a pretty good one night stand.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yea last night was a repeat of newyears...exept this time it ivolved a fish costume, throw up, a hole in the roof, and cops...lots of cops

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I made a blanket fort and am drinking Gatorade and eating donuts watching 500 days of summer. I can't keep spending my saturdays like this.

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(540): View more from Virginia

my night ended with a pity blow in a racecar bed

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the remote is under the fat chick passed out on the couch. Good luck .. and may god have mercy on your soul.

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(858): View more from California

I feel like my chances would have been better if I hadn't told her "I need to fuck you before you leave."

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(281): View more from Texas

Oh dude, thanks for giving me that liquor last night, except replace 'giving' with 'violently forcing'.

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(727): View more from Florida

I just put my hair into this ponytail & it looks hideous & really cool at the same time. I am dedicating it to the hangover I have

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(708): View more from Illinois

We legitimately thought something was wrong with you until someone pointed out you were just doing the thriller dance

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(757): View more from Virginia

Driving by his house every hour is not stalking, it's a reconnaissance mission... How else can I confront him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You know I told you about that hammering at 3 AM yesterday? Turns out it was Holly beating the lock out of her door with a mallet because she'd forgotten her keys.

(1+44): View more from

Doesn't she keep a spare?

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Drunk Holly doesn't listen to Sober Holly's plans.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She spilled some tequila on her hair somehow and I guess I felt bad for her, so I yelled "ROOMIES FOR LIFE" and dipped my hair in my tequila.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I walked out of the bedroom naked holding a used condom only to be greeted by half of my family. Happy birthday mom

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(757): View more from Virginia

where are you guys? the police just woke me up on the couch outside.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No im the worst roommate ever. Just dump a bucket of water on my head at 8am so i can suffer like i deserve to.

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(512): View more from Texas

No, the responsible one does not yell out "lets go to iHop" at 5 in the morning to a bunch of drunk people with munchies.

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(254): View more from Texas

...Just between you and me I just did Olympic grade ribbon dancing with toilet paper in the bar bathroom.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Disregard the shoes in the freezer.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Fair enough. I'm gonna finish off half a bottle of Brunettes in the shower anf relive the good ol' days. We need a reunion

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

before we left she put a post-it on the floor next to the toilet saying she was a pretty pretty princess

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(303): View more from Colorado

New high score, I made the stripper choke me while I was getting a lap dance last night

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(716): View more from New York

Then you started asking people on the drunk bus if they knew the word "gumption". if they didn't you told them they weren't taking advantage of their high education opportunities and you were disappointed in them.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm eating Doritos that I crushed up n put in a cup so I only have to chill minimally.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You call it a hangover, I call it a baby squirrel burrowing its way out of my head.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Things I learned last night: 1. Bacardi 151 is a one-way ticket to the toilet, 2. It is possible for a human being to turn into Mount Vesuvius

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(845): View more from New York

I can't tell whether I'm a) still hungover from two nights ago, b) legitimately sick or c) all of the above... multiple choice was never my forte

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(415): View more from California

We need to re-create the Get Some Ass Tour 2002.

(916): View more from California

Um, 2 out of 3 people involved with that particular event are now married, so I don't think that will be happening.

(415): View more from California

HELLO, they're MARRIED! They need to get some ass more than anyone.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Just bought koolaid for my vodka in a DARE shirt with my NES wallet. I'm everything I thought I'd be when I was 8.

(307): View more from Wyoming

Except even better, boobs get discounts.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you know it's gonna be a good 4/20 when you start saving up for it in january.

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(347): View more from New York

i also took my stockings off in the bathroom and blew my nose with them in the cab ride home. james was appalled

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Everyone is drunk but me. Fantastic. Everyone is hooking up but me. Awkward.

(262): View more from Wisconsin

I had a pitcher of margaritas. Now I'm in a laundry room being a 5th wheel and crying. I made myself a bed out of a pool floatie. I win.

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(206): View more from Washington

Our house almost burnt down last night. I woke up at 4:10am to the smoke alarm going off bc the bean bag chair was on fire so i extinguished it and smoked a bowl at 4:20 to celebrate my fire extinguishing abilities

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I've just stalked all the hot guys who have clicked "attending". I now know which guys are "yes", "maybe" and "no". I only hope my drunk self remembers.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have a broken liver

(1-575): View more from New Mexico

I see that the whole "let's take a break from drinking" has worked out really well for us.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your cousin just asked the bartender to start a round of vagina shots. Not body shots. Vagina shots. We're taking her out more often.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Why was there a 1000 piece puzzle covered in hot sauce being cooked in the microwave?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Was I holding a cat when you saw me? Because that was the height of that party for me.

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(716): View more from New York

You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

When we do our power hour over Skype I'm just going to sit on the toilet so that way I won't have to get up in the middle of it and miss any shots

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(770): View more from Georgia

You need to get over here. I think the drunks are about to sacrifice a chicken to the beer gods. Or a freshman. Stay tuned.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

in the middle of fucking he asked me if i had gotten a haircut because he noticed i didnt have split ends anymore. i dont know what to think

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(716): View more from New York

i looked at my phone & had a message that said "tell your friend she needs to clean my livingroom, i dont appreciate her trying to turn it into a bubblebath." I give you probs.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Only thing I got out of his drunken Spanish is something that sounded like "pencil sharpener." Damn rosetta stone.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Two questions for you. Did I throw up last night and did we get food or did I dream that..?

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

No you never threw up but you did force me to take you to wendy's because you wanted "beef and ketchup"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just remember being in the bathroom alone cussing out the bunny

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(541): View more from Oregon

When the question of, do you know who's ass has been on the cake you are eating is said... Good or bad party?

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(678): View more from Georgia

I could of sworn you were praying in the strip club.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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(310): View more from California

Just headbutted a photographer. This convention just got really interesting.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm not trying to alarm you guys, but I think I just swallowed a ketchup packet.

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(905): View more from Ontario

you cant ever make fun of my bong's stick on moustache again. its the reason the cop let me keep it and my weed.

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(941): View more from Florida

I was running around taking people's drinks at the bar and just dumping it into my Gatorade bottle screaming roofies.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just took a shower and found half a cookie melted under my boob. Please tell me there's a reason

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's the international "my vagina is unoccupied, come talk to us" chant. You have your mission. Go.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm just pissed at the whore who takes over my body when I'm blacked out.

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(907): View more from Alaska

Bitch looked at my dick and said "I thought they called you horsecock, I'm already disappointed"

(414): View more from Wisconsin

I told you that line would get her home never said it was a good idea

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

How bad is it if you swallow a really small piece of glass? Be optimistic if possible I'm anxious about it.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im pretty sure by the fifth subway ride after going in circles the four times prior, we all just accepted that we werent making the concert and should instead enjoy our magical weed and tequila laced journey.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said, "awww, you're so sweet" after I started putting on a condom. How many STDs have I just contracted?

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(409): View more from Texas

I hate him and his pretentious your-sleeping-in-the-wet-spot look.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just told me the blow job I gave him was like a journey

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(806): View more from Texas

Also, ran into my neighbor across the street. He told me about scheduling his vasectomy. We are officially way beyond the acceptable point for asking his name again.

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(360): View more from Washington

corona bottle fell out of my backpack and broke in the middle of my physics midterm. yay me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

threw up in the kitchen showroom. home depot employee of the month.

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(310): View more from California

Bad behavior is like a petri dish that grows organically In my heart

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(404): View more from Georgia

I blew him and did charles barkley impressions at the same time. what a pro

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Seriously, do normal people actually get work done being this hungover? No wonder the economy's in the shitter

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm really proud of myself for not blacking out yet this weekend!

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a Thursday.

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(404): View more from Georgia

This lumberjack with a huge beard is doing his group presentation in a dirty t shirt that says "I'm only 2 girls short of a threesome"

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I swear my vagina formed calluses just to deal with how big he is

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(812): View more from Indiana

Is it mean to convince my old booty call she used me for sex so I can bang her again before I leave for Denver?

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(207): View more from Maine

someone to text and fuck? since when does that constitute a relationship?

(1-207): View more from Maine

since 2006

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(618): View more from Illinois

He was all like, "I've prayed every single day just for one more night with you."

(224): View more from Illinois

Omg just give him a quick handy and walk out.

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(971): View more from Oregon

There's a Russian guy here. In the bar. Drinking vodka. Wearing a trench coat and a hat and a mustache. Idk where the confusion is.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I had to explain to my dentist that my tooth was chipped because we designated my mouth as the official way to open beer. I feel like our level of partying is no longer socially acceptable.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'd like to bring you 40 virgins and treasure chests of gold to make you feel better

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(614): View more from Ohio

Someone asked me why we were having sex on the porch last night. All I remember is him saying he wanted the recruits to see. This has got to stop.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just found a pic on my phone of you on squatting on the hood of a police car about to take a dump. Care to explain what happened last night?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I had to break up with him he didn't understand my priorities. I'm sorry but Saturday nights are for pot and Doctor Who. I'm not going to change who I am.

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(630): View more from Illinois

If I don't at least start a parade that spirals into drunken riots then I'm calling it a fail of a birthday

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(404): View more from Georgia

The guy you fucked with the lazy eye is here, im avoiding contact by texting you. But i just looked up and he recognizes me, theres no way he doesnt. I'd remember the girl who called me quasimodo all night too. Sober me feels so bad.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Ugh. This is the type of hangover that all other hangovers want to grow up to be.

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(420): View more from

It's official, I need to start putting my vagina's needs before my own.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Cant wait to drunkenly tell by kids that i banged their aunt katie in a weird threesome

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(519): View more from Ontario

He was puking up tons. He aimed his face inside his coat. Not a drop in my car. Then he thanked me for the ride.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Also, I imagined that his bacne was bubblewrap and that made it much more tolerable

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i figured out i could get from the downstairs bar to the upstairs bar AND grab pizza by going through the kitchen. it was the greatest discovery of my life besides the flabongo.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I sat on the ground outside wawa chain smoking and telling two strangers about my sex life. I also accepted Rick James Bitch and Celine Dion as their names.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The front desk girl just had that condescending welcome-home-from-your-walk-of-shame face on

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

It was probably because you set your bra on the couter while you found your ID...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

So I bought some random chick a shot she puked in her hands then I watched her make out with my roommate

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

just thought you should know it took me an hour and a half to make soup. I had to keep laying on my kitchen floor. being 21 is hard.

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(406): View more from Montana

You should have seen her, she looked like a skinny Jabba The Hutt

(1-406): View more from Montana

That literally makes no sense

(406): View more from Montana

Exactly

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You threw an open can of pop at me while I was lying on the floor babbling and drooling about how I need to be alone forever, me and my leaking face.

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(801): View more from Utah

He wanted to feed hamburgers to the homeless... as a first date... who the fuck is this kid

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(704): View more from North Carolina

And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.

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(801): View more from Utah

I have no idea how I got home or why I am naked but I assume I owe you a thank you...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink

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(816): View more from Missouri

My liver is crying. And I feel like I got fingered by Edward Scissorhands. While he was wearing brass knuckles

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(304): View more from West Virginia

My night ended with Em alternately crying and throwing up in the arms of a guy wearing a cutoff and a tiara. I sat holding a garbage can and wine glass full of water wondering how our night got to this point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Shrimp lo Mein doused in green apple Smirnoff is a rare delicacy only a few get to experience..guess I should consider myself lucky

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(360): View more from Washington

thought the power was flickering out but it turns out im just blinking

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(239): View more from Florida

Got drunk and tried to deep fry burritos. Turns out wild turkey isn't a good replacement for vegetable oil. Nearly burned my house down.

(801): View more from Utah

Sober people should be as daring as drunk people more often, because honestly the fact you’ve lived so long is a sign that anything is possible.

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(619): View more from California

How soon is too soon to enter the slutty phase of this breakup?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

All right cuz right now I'm in one of those moods where the shear thought of doing anything more strenuous than making a sandwich has me wanting to curl up in the feeble position and splash around in a puddle of my own tears.

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(544): View more from

I concluded last night that you have no tear ducts, heart, or sense of any feeling.

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(585): View more from New York

The moment you realize you should grow up: you're snorting your fathers percocet script with your old health insurance card, while your parents are on a 10 day cruise in the carribean...

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I need to shower, but I have no shower curtain... I think I can get by with a whore bath and a hat for one more day.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

once again, we need to groom him to be a better human being. using liquor and tits.

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(516): View more from New York

I just need to repress my desire to share my impressive chugging abilities with the world and I won't black out so much

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(619): View more from California

Ya these assholes wanted to like sit around and eat cupcakes and watch the notebook. I was like fuck you, I want to go make some people uncomfortable in public.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really hope jumping jacks prevent pregancy because I'm kind of banking on it right now, do you know why there's a unicycle in the corner of my room?

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(214): View more from Texas

She makes me want to eat babies and throw kittens in pots of boiling water.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and then she started to quack like a duck and u started throwing bread at her

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(949): View more from California

One of those nights had to have been when we tried to walk through the McDonald's drive through -- and then got in the car with complete strangers. And stole their hamburgers.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Right, well, that begs the question of where did you get the whip, why are you using it, and why don't you carry one around more often?

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(941): View more from Florida

He gave me such a powerful orgasm I blurted out I love you. This is why just rebouding out of a serouis relationship is awkward.

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(631): View more from New York

Did you pour a hundred fucking pounds of sand in my car last night?

(516): View more from New York

lol... you weighed it?

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(207): View more from Maine

You've been drinking wine and eating bacon all afternoon. HOW IS THAT DOING GOOD?!?!

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I feel like death gave me a hand job

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(615): View more from Tennessee

you are going to have to live with the consequences, i'm going to fuck your sister

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(240): View more from Maryland

Stop banging my friends. This is getting weird.

(434): View more from Virginia

Stop being friends with hot 18 year old girls.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with a half eaten bag of lettuce in my hand, wearing my Halloween costume from last year. Damn you tequila.

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(614): View more from Ohio

This is now the friendly bartender typing for him. He wants to be on you. He is going to "destroy your vagina". Good luck and sorry if this woke you up!

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Thoughts of banging the girl who just opened my beer with her teeth?

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(347): View more from New York

Also I have uncooked pasta. I was hoping that could get cooked at your place. Don't ask about the circumstances that I came into ownership of uncooked pasta

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(201): View more from New Jersey

U took a sewing needle to his nipple

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

Psshh,

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

if I see a bottle of vodka right now I'll probably throw up gum I swallowed when I was a kid

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(314): View more from Missouri

you did a full monologue with your sober self last night. different voices and everything.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im walking to an ob gyn practice session right now. Literally have to get face first in a middleaged vagina in 10 min.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just doin' what I do best: sitting in a stall in the class building's bathroom, pondering life and exploring deep, dark corners of the internet before class.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Last thing i remember is pounding jager and puking in that nerds george foreman grill. Then i wake up this morning with some random tooth brush in my mouth

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(940): View more from Texas

Off topic, but is it sad that Matthew and I are calculating how much sex we need to have in order to work off a taco bell burrito?

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(802): View more from Vermont

OMFG I JUST SAW SOMEONE GIVING SOMEONE ELSE ROAD HEAD AND THEY HIT A POTHOLE. my day has been officially made.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

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(440): View more from Ohio

The ticket read "Found nude in a tree"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(847): View more from Illinois

so I told him I hadn't been laid since Bush was president. Right after he cums, he says "Welcome to the Obama Administration".

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(757): View more from Virginia

At McDonald's last night the guy gave you the wrong kind of McFlurry, so you screamed at him, "YOU MCFUCKED UP."

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(312): View more from Illinois

I remember going home with 2 girls. Woke up with 4.

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i just walked into a room at this party and someone yelled "dibs!"...

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(770): View more from Georgia

you were wearing a pair of wings and handing out McDonalds apple pies, if anyone refers to you as the "Rave Fairy" you now know why.

(678): View more from Georgia

THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I gave him 3 xanax and recorded the ball drop. He's gonna think tonight is New Years.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I promise not to drug you or anything. Please come to my birthday party.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and I keep making him eat me out and buying me presents, this is paradise. I wish he cheated on me earlier.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I swear to Christ if it turns out to be an intervention, i will set you on fire.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So..he has a girlfriend BUT she rarely writes on her wall and is only in 5 of his 371 tagged photos and her default pic is her with some other dude. It cant be serious

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Oh my god you need to get off of facebook.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Will you push me around in a wheel chair, introduce me to people, and say nothing as I get up and walk away?

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(386): View more from Florida

I have her designated blowjob hair tie on my wrist. It's like a key to eternal happiness

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I know this is random but to this day I regret not having sex with you on that atv on the top of that mountain underneath the American flag.

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(515): View more from Iowa

nothing like a walk of shame in front of a cnn news crew to start the morning off right

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(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

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(408): View more from California

She gave such good road head it was turned into side-of-the-road head for everyone's safety

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(815): View more from Illinois

You were air-planing a joint into my mouth while I was crying naked in the bath tub.

(1-815): View more from Illinois

Best Friends For Life.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I should start handing out wavers before I have sex with someone. 1. Do you have anything to do tomorrow? 2. Are you ok with sleeping 12 hours from exhaustion. 3. Are you ok with a limp?

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(406): View more from Montana

Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.

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(770): View more from Georgia

After she lost the bet I made her get on one knee so she could "Te-blow me"

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(903): View more from Texas

He fucked me so hard I might have to go to the hospital for internal bleeding

(541): View more from Oregon

Can I have him when you're done?

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(213): View more from California

Did you hear me? I HAVE THE CONTENTS OF AN NBA PLAYER'S CONDOM IN MY BEDROOM TRASHCAN!! This shit is potentially worth millions of dollars to a fertile young female who is ovulating. How do I sell it fast??

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This will be the 3rd time you have blacked out and lost your phone only to have some kind stranger find it, charge it, call me, then mail it back to you. Your luck amazes me...

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(213): View more from California

My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."

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(519): View more from Ontario

I'm that hungover student in class ... On a wednesday morning

(519): View more from Ontario

Omg I think I'm in the wrong class

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(910): View more from North Carolina

You went to jail last night?!

(1-910): View more from North Carolina

Just a little bit.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

i told him i was allergic to semen. he pulled out an epipen.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house

(713): View more from Texas

So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?

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(+27): View more from South Africa

Some random walked into our tent, woke her up and said "Harry Potter must not go back to Hogwarts!"

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

how many thumbs am i supposed to have at one time

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you found the shrooms didnt you

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(847): View more from Illinois

I chugged a beer while I was riding him and he told me it was the sexiest thing he has ever seen. this guy knows class when he sees it.

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(432): View more from Texas

I don't care how drunk you were. Sending me a pic of your dick dressed as Uncle Sam with the caption "I want you" isn't an acceptable pick up line.

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(206): View more from Washington

What's that word that means bigger and smaller and bigger and smaller, again?

(425): View more from Washington

Goddamn it, Jaime, it's 4am. Throbbing. The word is throbbing.

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(903): View more from Texas

Where is a good place to buy a New Year's outfit that acknowledges I don't have tits but screams I suck dick like a champ?

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(314): View more from Missouri

You just said we could build a blanket and pillow "fuck fort." Of course I'm never leaving you.

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(561): View more from Florida

Welp I just blew a load probably the size of a small pond if not a lake

(1-561): View more from Florida

Who the fuck is this

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(847): View more from Illinois

The last thing I remember is your grandma calling me a pussy and taking my shot for me. Your family is awesome.

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(253): View more from Washington

There's a guy in here whose face looks like it would be perfect between my legs.

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(305): View more from Florida

It's ok that you're screwing someone else while trying to get back with me, I'm banging three girls while I ignore you.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Called the cops on a high school party then went in after all the kids ran away and took the rest of the beer. What are you doing tonight?

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(917): View more from New York City

when I was too drunk to walk on my own two feet, he stole a shopping cart from the grocery store at the corner and proceeded to wheel me back to my apartment.

(917): View more from New York City

Then he tucked me in, gave me a goodnight kiss and slept on my sofa. I woke up this morning and he was making waffles.

(347): View more from New York

he is a god among men.

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(352): View more from Florida

we're like Indians of the 21st century. trading not for food and survival but personal gain and by trouble you mean getting daytime drunk and going to the roller ring then yes.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Yeah but I was the kid who ran over your BMW and is banging your 15 year old daughter... There isn't a cool enough dad in the world to make that work.

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(812): View more from Indiana

After the nose/jizz incident i think our relationship can handle anything.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Her idea of kinky involved a tazer

(850): View more from Florida

wtf?

(270): View more from Kentucky

I'm going back tonight

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Neighbor who got arrested at 3am just said he'd split the $ with me if I testify as the witness in his police brutality trial. He was also holding a baby and a case of beer.

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(801): View more from Utah

Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

In the middle of the State of the Union, she unzipped my pants and started giving me head. I've never been so proud to be an American.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just ate a dove chocolate and the wrapper said "chocolate: always your valentine" WHAT KIND OF JACKASS WRITES THESE AND WHY MUST THEY MOCK ME?

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(360): View more from Washington

What did he say? I couldn't hear him over the sound of how awesome his beard is.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

God she is annoying. I am only keeping her around on fb because I want to see if her baby comes out looking like an alien or not.

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(239): View more from Florida

All she kept whispering was put your pickle in my mouth. Then she fell out of her barstool and chipped her tooth

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(952): View more from Minnesota

It's official. I am the girl who threw up in the library. Hangovers and midterms do not mix.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He bought me a oreo ice cream cake with "thanks for not calling the cops!" written in icing. If that doesn't sum up winter break, I don't know what does.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I cant shower it involves moving...

(219): View more from Indiana

Just lay there and turn the water on. At least rinse off the shame.

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(989): View more from Michigan

walk of shame to my ortho appointment. kids are staring. this little girl just asked her mom if she can havr glitter in her hair too.

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(917): View more from New York City

Just found the cutest bag of coke under my bed. I'm going to get fucked up and bleach the cat vomit out of my sheets.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just took a shot out of my supervisors unzipped jeans. Our staff parties are getting a little too personal

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(716): View more from New York

I sent him a naked picture of me with the caption "I lost at beer pong, this was a dare. Hope your nights going as good as mine" I've never talked to him in my life, this is a strange way to start.

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(917): View more from New York City

Well you just missed the ten chi o pledges singing la bamba at our doorstep.

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(804): View more from Virginia

How do you think the people in my class would react if I ripped all my clothes off and jumped on him right now?

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(847): View more from Illinois

Can you pick me up a bottle of make-an-ass-of-myself tonight?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Do you want cuervo gold or silver?

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(503): View more from Oregon

And then you'll find yourself a hot chick and leave me behind with nothing but my back fat to keep me company.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

nothing worse than walking out of class after 3 hours and having covered exactly zero information

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

walking out with herpes. that would be worse

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(757): View more from Virginia

Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

I have so much boob sweat I could bathe a baby

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I could only remember yelling "rip it down" as he ninja jumped off the bed, kicked the wall, and superman punched the fire alarm off the ceiling.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I've always wondered why you never put the hotel room in your name...

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(567): View more from Ohio

He broke hus nose arm jousting with the traffic cones... We need to make head shots illegal or get helmets or something

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(810): View more from Michigan

She had forties taped to her hands and was trying to give him a hand job while he was passed out, with everyone in the living room.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

There's not an emojicons for I think I ripped my asshole and want to die.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You emptied out your taco and asked the lady for a refill...and then you continued to carry out a full conversation SCREAMING

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Apparently it is impossible to get kicked out of taco bell....I'll try harder next time

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(316): View more from Kansas

This will never work out with him unless I somehow learn how to unhinge my jaw like a python.

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(917): View more from New York City

You fucked everything up-can't pass a cleared kitchen table without getting hard

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.

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(951): View more from California

Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You stuck your entire fist into a full jar of peanut butter and starting assaulting people

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(415): View more from California

The next time i black out make sure i remove the ping pong balls from my weave. Especially before my first day of classes.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(519): View more from Ontario

No, i will not have sex with him again. It felt like he was trying to bulldoze his way through me. My vagina is on strike.

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(707): View more from California

New low, passed out while taking a shit for an hour with my parents home, suprised they didnt notice

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Bloody Mary Monday just took a turn for the worst... Just had a heart to heart talk with the cat about it's obsession with chewing on cardboard.... Time for a nap.

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(314): View more from Missouri

she chugged a bowl of salsa and then gave my ferret weight loss tips. she's like my fucking spirit animal now

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(516): View more from New York

I just came so hard there were tears. Actual tears.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Leave the bottle at home cause either way I'm not taking another shot. You have no idea how long it took me to compose this text free of grammatical error.

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Gold star for you, but I'm on my way and the soco is buckled in next to me. This is happening.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I swear they were about to hook up!!

(1-240): View more from Maryland

I know because I was in the tub taking an imaginary silent bath. They stopped cuz I gagged on my shot.

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(226): View more from Ontario

wow, you never really realize how many muscles you have in your crotch until you pull them all.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.

(1-701): View more from North Dakota

Jesus, are you hammered?

(701): View more from North Dakota

Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.

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(916): View more from California

This bowl of cereal would be the size of a giant's bowl-piece. It's. that. big.

(831): View more from California

How much did you smoke??

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(719): View more from Colorado

Well, when he's back from China he's probably gonna be pissed I used the spare key he gave me to prove to everyone I'm fucking an NBA player. We took all his booze too.

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(630): View more from Illinois

oh come on since when have relationships been boundary lines for us

(1-630): View more from Illinois

fair point

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(618): View more from Illinois

I rolled out of the car, crawled on all fours to the door, did somersaults all the way to my room, and then I ran across the parking lot to tell our neighbor you wanted to bang him. I'm not even sure if it was the right guy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I believe I won the Golden Vodka Bottle of sadness last night for crying while being party boyed.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I drunken agreed to go wedding dress shopping with a stranger at the bar yesterday. She sent me an email asking what days I am free.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

This guy randomly got in our taxi, and has now collapsed on the sofa anouncing that he's staying the night.

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(561): View more from Florida

We fist bumped behind their backs while drunk hooking up with them... Do other girls do this too? Or is it just us?

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(281): View more from Texas

It's a piss down the stairs of the hotel kind of night

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(575): View more from New Mexico

She's using our floating beer pong table as an air mattress to sleep on.

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(817): View more from Texas

I'm going to shower the piss off me now. I feel like I was in an R. Kelly dream.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I deserve like a purple heart or something. I just made it all the way drunk through my 2 story house without making a sound. While carrying a trombone.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Idk he's just laying there passed out with a French fry up his nose and without any pants on. Boner and everything.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Even completely stoned shes amazing on the piano. There are like 7 people sitting on the ground listening to her like she's the messiah.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you said candy land and then passed out.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

ps. we found your stash in the candyland game. Thanks.

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(386): View more from Florida

At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?

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(347): View more from New York

I am sitting here. Drinking from a bottle of vodka. Eating shredded cheese from a bag and waiting on him to pick me up after he finishes with his girlfriend. This is what dreams are made of.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The one thing I know about living in Vegas is the closest I'll ever come to being a father is singing the theme song from Full House to a garbage can while I eat an entire birthday cake.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Seriously I will never run in my wedges while drinking racing home to have sex ever again

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(410): View more from Maryland

My dad and I just got asked if "we wanted a more intimate setting for our date". The world is coming to an end.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I think I kinda scared him when I told him if he premature ejaculated I would punch him in the throat.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hi, this is a test of the morning after apology broadcast system. If you're receiving this pre-recorded message there is a high probability I was a dickwad to you in the past 24 hours. You have my utmost and sincere apologies. Also if you have my wallet, house key, left converse, or lighter, give them/it back

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(407): View more from Florida

Her fucking playlist had randy newman on it. It was like woody was watching the whole time.

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(813): View more from Florida

EVERY guy that's EVER been in my vagina has texted me tonight for a booty call. Narrow it down to the greatest hits or just work in timeline order?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You guys don't happened to be dressed as gladiators, do you?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Alright we have to be drunk.before noon tomorrow. Its a new law i just got passed through congress. It goes into effect imediately

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(860): View more from Connecticut

You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.

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(626): View more from California

Would it be tacky of me to tell the two girls I just found out he's been sleeping with on the side that I've been having gay sex with him all semester?

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(256): View more from Alabama

Blacked out, Had to be carried out of the bar again by two large black bouncers. Asked them to be my "boo thangz" Again.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

she's like the billy mays of hookups...touch my boobs and i'll throw in this blow job ABSOLUTELY FREE

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(925): View more from California

All I want is tacobeell and your body

(1-925): View more from California

that's my favorite sentence you've ever said.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You did this to me with your delicious pizza and moonshine.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'll forgive you once we're drunk again by noon.

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(909): View more from California

Know of anyone who would be interested in trading weed for meatballs?

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were such a shitshow...I was just standing in the kitchen eating my toaster strudel and you came in, whispered "you didn't see anything" and led him to the couch

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just proved I could salsa dance in a bar where no one was dancing

(502): View more from Kentucky

Sidenote...no idea how to salsa

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(770): View more from Georgia

i don't know man, last time i saw her she was applying sunblock to her vagina

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(850): View more from Florida

It's okay, I found my phone in the toaster oven. Logical explanation: 5 martinis

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He is gay. There is no bi when you have a manhunt AND you are an art major. That's like a unicorn without a horn, it just isn't possible.

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(713): View more from Texas

Stories of my weekends have cause divorces, are you sure you wanna hang out?

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(360): View more from Washington

Hey, it was your idea to keep her occupied with the barscanner on your phone.

(253): View more from Washington

you didnt need to give her a fucking sharpie. there are handmade barcodes everywhere. including my cock. fucker.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.

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(903): View more from Texas

I don't think casual Fridays means I can go to work with dried cum in my hair...

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(512): View more from Texas

Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis

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(217): View more from Illinois

Ummmmm okay let's be incredibly straightforward. Hi there. My bed's at half capacity this evening. How'd you like to fill it up?

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Is "you left your socks here, please come get them" a good way of saying "come fuck me?"

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(513): View more from Ohio

I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he told me to hold it and try to write my name in the snow and it seemed like a bonding moment because neither one of us had ever done that before. i didn't anticipate it vibrating and weirding me out therefore making me let go and get my hand peed on.

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(516): View more from New York

so the x-ray technician didnt buy my story of falling off a curb. she said a fall of that height couldnt snap the bone that way. bitch called me a drunken idiot too. if she wasnt so hot i'd be angry

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to the sound of gentle rain, only to realize I was laying under a urine trough in the men's restroom. Fuck you, bourbon. Fuck you.

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(936): View more from Texas

You stuck a chicken finger in that stripper's clevage and said "Keep this warm for me.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He knew exactly who I'd slept with after just one look at my crotch. He's like the Sherlock Holmes of cocks.

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(956): View more from Texas

The least you could do before I go into your room is throw away the condom wrapper from the other girl I know you're banging.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just threw up on the floor. And we're gonna fuck on the beer pong table, so keep everyone upstairs.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm sorry but that single bed couldn't hold all five of us, especially with those boobs.

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(310): View more from California

How was the party last night?

(314): View more from Missouri

There's a mountain bike in the middle of our apartment. No one will claim it.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Someone asked me what I was drinking, I was drinking rum, but I was also eating starbursts so i told them "daiquiris"

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(406): View more from Montana

The bartender asked if I wanted a to-go cup for my crown and coke.....I just realized I'm back in Montana and fuck did I miss home.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

he asked me to "shake his dick" when he introduced himself, playing naked football with you in our living room. $100 says you two get married one day.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

He cheated on me in real life. I can cheat at words with friends.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i'm in that phase where i'll swallow anything except food

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

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(823): View more from

Am I the only one that feels like there are hundreds of tiny people having a rave and stomping and kicking around inside my head this morning?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She makes walking on a treadmill look like a porno. I wish I could send over shots as an ice breaker.

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

That's effing brilliant. We should start a business.

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(949): View more from California

At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?

(714): View more from California

I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.

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(516): View more from New York

Dude she gave you head while I was in the closet, we've passed the "awkward" phase.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Public service announcement: if you would like to continue receiving blow jobs, a 25% increase in fuck-giving will be expected immediately, and you're expected to give an actual flying fuck at least once a week. Brought to you by the ad council.

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(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I stole a fireplace last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

have to get expensive furniture. after that study abroad now at least six things at ikea are named after guys i slept with

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(204): View more from Manitoba

We interrupt your regularly scheduled Saturday morning programming with this important announcement: you are not the father. I repeat not the father. Congratulations and have a nice day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I petted my head, told my hair it felt beautiful and needed to be let free. Then pulled out my pony tail. Cheers to weed. I lose.

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(407): View more from Florida

I dont care how high you are "yes" is not the correct response to "what do you want from Taco Bell" Mom.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Can we play rock paper scissor shot again? I want to black out in 15 minutes or less...

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(254): View more from Texas

Bad news. I baked you a cake and one of my fingernails is missing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

be ready to rage tomorrow. like naked ranch dressing rage

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

she did 8 shots of vodka. THROUGH A SIPPY STRAW

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

I have got to meet this girl.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We were playing hot potato with real potatoes at 3am

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(574): View more from Indiana

Of course it was necessary for me to call the strip club and ask what their shower policy is. Smelled like she was wiping her ass with my eyebrows during that dollar dance.

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(848): View more from New Jersey

You made out with a guy who refers to his cock as "rafiki." Are you proud of yourself?

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I remember is this kid kept saying that he has a dream that white kids and black kids can take shots together as one, and just we'd keep drinking to that.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i'm currently connecting with my tribal roots aka i just found my recorder from 3rd grade music class... be ready for the recording

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Wait..I think something else did happen last night my vagina is too pleased for this level of hangover..

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Would you have sex with a guy wearing a Batman mask?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

It's all hypothetical, I don't have a Batman mask... yet...

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(647): View more from Ontario

It was like stroking your vagina with a cloud.

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(310): View more from California

Things I had in my bed when I woke up: an avocado, a toilet brush, and a note that says thanks but no thanks with the number of taco bell on it. WHAT DID I DRINK?

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(360): View more from Washington

This morning my mouth tasted like fruit trees, battery acid, and magnums. Transferring schools was the best decision Ive ever made.

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(317): View more from Indiana

hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Accidentally peeing a little on the couch in the middle of a sneeze is way different from railing a random on our waffle counter. I am the better roommate.

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(805): View more from California

we played dirty jenga the drinking edition... some girl really just broke a rib? how do we even go this hard

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(917): View more from New York City

She's an honest to god fucking ballerina. She did things I don't have names for.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont trust my judgment anymore so im only going to fuck guys who can donate blood at the red cross. they have standards.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

after I lost so many games of beer pong they made me be a troll, I sat under the table and told riddles while retrieving balls.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your engaged. Stop telling guys you will sit on their face. They don't always know your kidding.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Your 13 year old niece and her best friend half carried you from the beach to the pool where you then clung onto a raft and screamed about having pretty hair.

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(831): View more from California

oh my god, just saw a man throw up in a trashcan and blood came out of his nose. HES GETTING ON MY BUS. HES SITTING ACROSS FROM ME. FUCK.

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(419): View more from Ohio

They reenacted the scene from the lion king where mufasa talked to simba from the clouds. As high as they were they got it word for word. There has to be an award for that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

There is a large scratch and bruise about the size of a pizza bagel next to my vagina. Please text back if you know what happened.

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(330): View more from Ohio

He wouldn't give me a cup of water for my bong so i sat in the drive thru to run up the timer until he gave it to me.

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(641): View more from Iowa

He smells so good today

(1-641): View more from Iowa

Seriously, back away from the sexual harrasment suit.

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(949): View more from California

Dude I am not desperate enough to pay my dealer in change. Maybe tomorrow.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You called me at 4am shouting drunk shit about Poland and asking me to 'come out and play.' Where the fuck were you?

(+48): View more from Poland

Poland

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(949): View more from California

Ok wear gym clothes just in case we feel like going shitfaced to the gym

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(317): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure how many more innuendos I can slip into this fucking conversation before I just blatantly say "I want to fuck you."

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(979): View more from Texas

He told me he wanted to show me something beautiful, then just started peeing off the bridge into oncoming traffic

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Why can't it ever be the normal ones that stalk me?

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't think we had sex because when I woke up he was still wearing the chicken suit.

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(352): View more from Florida

You told me you aren't worried about the police that you've been training for this an that the last three months of your life have been devoted to building up your stun gun tolerance and pepper spray recovery time.

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(703): View more from Virginia

it was a frathouse cornucopia of foul mixed drinks and "sangria", which im convinced was blood and pcp

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You overflowed the toilet cuz you tried to flush apples. you said they were singing too loudly

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(434): View more from Virginia

For public speaking we have to bring an object that describes us to class. Can't decide if I wanna bring a flask or a shot glass.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

After they flagged you, you hid in a bathroom stall and text me to bring you more shots. That kind of drunk.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I love that your last three texts to me were "Drunk." "Getting laid." "In the hospital."

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS IS THE EMERGENCY BOOZE SYSTEM. I AM EN ROUTE TO DEWITT WITH A FIFTH OF TEQUILA. THIS IS NOT A TEST

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

if she didnt wantt to be febrezed, she shouldnt have smelled so desperate.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You're just horny.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

Yea, and? I appreciate you as a person too if that helps.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You blackout rapped the entire DMX song Party Up last night at karaoke without looking at the screen. Then you Tebowed on stage, hugged a black guy, puked in a garbage can, then left. You deserve a medal.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Fortunately for myself I'm twice as smart and half as drunk as everyone else. All things considered I'm leaving here three-to-five times richer than when I arrived.

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(831): View more from California

YOU ARE OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. I AM OBSESSED WITH PORCHES. HOW IS THIS REAL.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(509): View more from Washington

Im sorry that my initial plan of you grabbing his dick didnt work out but Im glad you grabbed his heart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides

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(438): View more from Quebec

gladiator or hannah montana?

(514): View more from Quebec

This is why I never have to ask who you are when I get a new phone.

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(434): View more from Virginia

Yeah dude, it's amazing. Be careful though, that shit is really really intense. Like it's way more intense than normal shit...

(434): View more from Virginia

I took two and feel like crushed diamonds spread over glazing marmalade

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(434): View more from Virginia

I DON'T CARE LET'S GET DRUNK AND GO. I STRAIGHTENED MY HAIR DO THIS FOR ME.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I've also decided that the true test of whether or not you should marry a girl is if she will willingly blow you while you eat Oreos.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

they're both probably 7 inches? or 8? I'm shoving a ruler in my mouth trying to figure it out

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(850): View more from Florida

I should also mention that having been a sheltered child, I am conditioned to have serious kinks and find upper bodies of either sex attractive. And legs.

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(516): View more from New York

my drunken justification for peeing in her closet was that her shoes were ugly

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I may or may not have shit out a layer of my liver after that weekend.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you stumbled up the stairs in your heels, pulled 23 one-dollar bills out of your bra and then went and puked in the toilet. didnt say a single thing to me the whole time

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(563): View more from Iowa

You should try cooking mac & cheese naked sometime. It's quite relaxing.

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(352): View more from Florida

Did I really just find a cheez- it box full of condoms in your room?

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(916): View more from California

So... Sorry I threw that watermelon at you the other day. I didn't think it would break any bones.

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(917): View more from New York City

I only want to make out with him. Unless I get hungry. In that case I will take him home and screw him as a distraction from eating.

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(478): View more from Georgia

this is why ugly people need low self esteem. it stops them from doing shit like this.

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(313): View more from Michigan

It wasn't until I took a shit, that I remembered that you assholes started spiking my shots with tobasco when I wasn't looking last night. Dicks.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I need to stop drunkenly getting naked. I'm losing all my favorite party clothes.

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(607): View more from New York

No no, there's drunk and then there's 'spooning with lawn gnomes' drunk.

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(812): View more from Indiana

It's like a bag of dicks covered in taint sweat pounding a pregnant baby walrus.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I will not fill you in on the details until we get back, so do not ask. I got peed on by the girl I was hooking up with last night.

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(253): View more from Washington

i think we should start 2012 by becoming clean and sober for awhile and buckle down

(253): View more from Washington

ppsyche im wasted where are you

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Ok, was I really fucked up or was there a chick from Norway in the ice cream shop teaching us Norwegian last night?

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(348): View more from

Look at my eyebrows in this pic! We deffo need to go back to that waxing place.

(1-348): View more from

You have a cock in one hand and a shot in the other. Your eyebrows are not the topic in need of discussion.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Currently in the bathroom stall of a gay bar in new haven giving myself an anti throw up pep talk

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(214): View more from Texas

As usual, I had to fight him for his car keys. Though this time he made it to the valet garage. All the Hispanic attendants gathered around and watched. Felt like I was in a cock fight.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I only put bad things in my body...jack, caffeine, chocolate, pills, and rich's cock. It's like being holistic but exactly opposite

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I blacked out after you got about 8 goldfish out of the tank and put them in your pockets. We're not allowed back. It was a sucky Walmart anyway...

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(604): View more from British Columbia

If I give you a key to my place you have to promise to one day wake me up with a blowjob.

(604): View more from British Columbia

And by one day I mean once every two weeks.

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(631): View more from New York

I don't believe u have enough text space to describe the dimensions of his penis.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to stop drinking and eating and start working out. I look like the lovechild of John Goodman and Jabba the Hutt.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just invented spray cheese vodka. tastes real nasty but does the trick.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

At a party. It smells like teen pregnancy and sadness in here.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You look cute and you are awesome. And that means something coming from a judgmental bitch

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(651): View more from Minnesota

My blowjobs put them in a state of relaxation similar to that of getting hit with a tranquilizer. The fear comes after the sex.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I swear she hasnt shaved since the last time we hooked up 5 months ago

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You insisted we put glow sticks on you so that we didn't lose you if you went pee in the dark.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

So I peed on what I thought was a wall while in nashville come to find out while running from the cop it was just a dark tinted window and the while bar witnessed me peeing

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(541): View more from Oregon

It must have been an amazing night, I have "my pants are responsible people" written on my pants in permanent marker.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Lazier than spoon feeding yourself popcorn and debating adult diapers so you don't have to leave the mentalist marathon on tv?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

No more drinking with Em. She was on the ground so much she looked like she belongs in a lifealert commercial

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

In case you were wondering, taking me to see beauty and the beast in theaters would totally get you an unsolicited sloppy beej in the parking lot afterwards.

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You should probably take note of that and make it happen.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose

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(517): View more from Michigan

Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I will cut you

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

Oddly enough thats the second time today someones said that to me

(423): View more from Tennessee

Put that in perspective

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(630): View more from Illinois

Most violent shit of my life. New Years resolution of eating better is already kicking me in the face.

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(416): View more from Toronto

How did it go last night?

(647): View more from Ontario

Woke up head half shaved and a burrito? So good and bad?

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(770): View more from Georgia

You screamed "she never feeds them anyway" and threw the fish tank off the 3rd floor balcony. Don't park on our side of the building.

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(239): View more from Florida

He's used the term "balls deep" 3 times in the first hour. Thanks a lot, Plenty of Fish.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Tell me you didn't really piss in the hookah.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

New drinking game. Every time Romney and Santorum switch leads, take a shot.

(580): View more from Oklahoma

....this is what your political science major is getting you?

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm so eating pot-chocolate cookies while preggers. This kid will be so amazing.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The president of the frat said he was honored to award me "Best Overall Blow Jobs", free admission to all their future parties, and a $20 gift certificate to Denny's. I'm not sure if I feel proud or if that's just the burrito coming back up...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Also, what are the symptoms of syphilis?

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(806): View more from Texas

Idk. Last year there was an ice luge, glow in the dark jungle juice, and lots of naked people. I feel like I'll get pregnant just thinking about going to that party.

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Her throat is strong enough to gargle peanut butter. I'm sure you were satisfied.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Oh, and she's that dumb bitch that goes out in public in full make up and sweats with uggs. I hope she falls face first in a bowl of queso and drowns

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(316): View more from Kansas

You missed lesbians having sex in the bathroom and the whole bar clapping for them. I had to do recon. It was amazing

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(513): View more from Ohio

Are we playing "how much awkwardness can we fit in the final 29 hours of 2011"?

(505): View more from New Mexico

yes yes we are. Go do something with super glue. i don't want to win.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I hope we all get so wasted that we ride the cows again

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(772): View more from Florida

Also txt me when you take your first dump of the year... I'd like to synchronize if that's at all possible.

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(406): View more from Montana

They wouldn't let me hang out the sun roof and sing apple bottom jeans in the drive thru of hardee's i think i no longer like these ppl

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(703): View more from Virginia

The good news is that I can 100% reassure you that you did not get knocked up by some creepy Italian dude named Sal Manella last night.

(703): View more from Virginia

The bad news is that you will never know the name of the guy who may have gotten you pregnant last night because he clearly gave you a fake name, sweetie.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

It felt like he was juggling my kidneys with the head of his penis... If you could even call it that, it was more like a lochness monster. Huge and mythical.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

You were carrying around a milk crate, randomly putting it down calling out 'praise be to the milk gods' and making people pray to it.

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(352): View more from Florida

I fell asleep while we were Skyping and woke up to his balls bouncing in front of the camera while he sang "Wakey Wakey!" over and over again. Merryfuckingchristmas.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I'm concerned I'll look like a hooker on new years eve in this outfit

(216): View more from Ohio

There are different standards on new years eve. To look like a hooker you literally need to be giving a guy head on the street while he's handing you cash.

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(419): View more from Ohio

That's what I'm here for. To bitch slap you into believing in yourself.

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(432): View more from Texas

Never ever ever ever ever ever give your number to a 30 year old at buffalo wild wings. Ever ever ever.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Don't pretend like we're functional. We're gonna discuss this drunkenly via text the way serious conversations should take place.

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(941): View more from Florida

It looks like a tornado ripped through our living room and scattered clothes everywhere.

(1-941): View more from Florida

Count the bras. It was a category 3 whorenado ... I convinced the lesbians to come back to the apartment for a bottle of wine.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I have just disproved the common belief that it is impossible to have mediocre sex in a fire truck.

(231): View more from Michigan

The fire in my vagina flames on. Fucking terrible firefighter

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(928): View more from Arizona

My mom just invited me to come with them on their honeymoon to Mexico this summer. And I got a Bump-It in my stocking.

(308): View more from Nebraska

Pass the awkward sauce please.

(928): View more from Arizona

I'm drowning in it here

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(909): View more from California

Her vagina smelled like pancake batter. That's all you need to know.

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(831): View more from California

we're driving around with this really dirty (unclean and inappropriate) 60 year old ex-san quintin con named old skool d that my brother knows and hes bringing us to get weed. what is montana?

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(812): View more from Indiana

You are not allowed to borrow my car ever again. It smells like a hobo orgy happened in my backseat with a hint of onion. What did you do.

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(515): View more from Iowa

you picked up the vacuum cleaner at one point and said you we gonna beat the shit out of me with it. that was kinda funny

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I can promise you that this new years eve will rival the one from senior year when we got that exchange student deported.

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(813): View more from Florida

I have hit nutritional rock bottom I am spreading peanut butter on to lays potato chips

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(425): View more from Washington

My dream had 1 penis and 2 pizzas in it. Priorities?

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(279): View more from

Dude. I only took a 20 out the ATM last night. How do I have 83 ones?

(574): View more from Indiana

You stole from the strippers again. I wish I was ninja like you

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(541): View more from Oregon

I don't know bro, all I could remember is that he kept saying hallelujah and calling that girl Slutimus Prime

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Let's get one thing straight; we aren't in a relationship. We fuck and occasionally go to subway.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Remember that time I tried to pierce your nipples while high... it's like that, only with more blood... and less nipples

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(575): View more from New Mexico

You're the only person that can successfully use titties and Jesus in the same sentence.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I love you more than champagne and correct grammar

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

How was your weekend?

(508): View more from Massachusetts

The sex was so good. It hurts to exist.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I was in my bathroom taking a shit and my mom just opened the door, walked in, handed me a fudgesicle, and left without saying a word. Yeah. That just happened.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you think if you have sex with a girl twin, her twin brother feels it to? Woke up at her house and they both have a look of disappointment on their faces.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I dunno. The only plans I have for sure after finals are smoking a bowl and eating a 5 pound gummy bear. btw I bought a 5 pound gummy bear

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas

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(416): View more from Toronto

Finals are done.. I just wanna get drunk and pretend I'm a seahorse.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Come get her ASAP. She's "people bowling," which is just her rolling into random groups of people. People look pissed.

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(407): View more from Florida

I really just want to stuff him in my purse, take him home, feed him pudding or applesauce and brush his hair. That's not creepy, right?

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(503): View more from Oregon

All I wanted was a quiet evening to masturbate and eat cake and instead you ruined it by bringing girls over.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You brought us all personal gifts you had stolen from the party and bellowed "hoes hoes hoes, clepto Santa loves you"

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(708): View more from Illinois

Just saw a guy walking down the street carrying a giant inflatable penis

(773): View more from Illinois

Just arrived at our party

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(660): View more from Missouri

i shit in a pringles can and hid it somewhere in your house....happy hunting

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna go drown myself in the shower. Make sure to cover me up before the paramedics arrive. I'm too fat to be seen naked right now.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just remembered seeing jalepenos in my vomit last night. Reminded me to thank you for sharing your queso with me. You're a good friend.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Me either. I want to get 'chase a stray cat through the neighborhood in my hooker heels' drunk. And it's your birthday, so you have to get 'best friend holding your hair while you puke in the bar bathroom and cry about your life' drunk. In a feather boa.

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(754): View more from Florida

Unemployment check just came in. As soon as I stop pretending I have morals I'm buying weed. Puff puff pass uncle sam.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I don't know what kind of soup they made, but it smells like condoms.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Can't. I took a Viagra to make sure I wouldnt leave the room so I might actually study.

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(914): View more from New York

She's going to get me a sippy cup for christmas. If I can't open it, I can't have any more to drink. Seem reasonable?

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(719): View more from Colorado

If I wake up with an unknown penis in me one more time I am literally going to press charges to the makers of tequila.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't wait for paintbang. I'm going to throw a marker at a child. There will be bail money in my backpack in m trunk. Don't use it on beer.

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(682): View more from Texas

I just told a kid I was in a wheelchair because Santa shot me due to me being on the naughty list. You should have seen this little bastards face

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(812): View more from Indiana

I would take a bullet for Beyonce's baby

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(850): View more from Florida

Im on the side of I-10 covered in sweat, cookie dough, hollandaise sauce, onion gravy, and ground beef wondering how my life I ended up here

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(615): View more from Tennessee

His rebound girl is half his size, looks like a leprechaun, is majoring in theater studies and has arms like Rosie O'donnell. Do I win?

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(229): View more from Georgia

I hit on her. So did Sarah. Neither of us got anywhere. I swear she's asexual. Like Switzerland.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you went over to those random dudes and told them you were an ordained minister and would like to bless their food. they laughed and agreed, then you said "now bow your heads in prayer" as soon as they did you grabbed a taco off their tray and bolted out the door.

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(703): View more from Virginia

When a chinchilla decides to sit on your face while you're getting head from its owner, you bond.

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(984): View more from North Carolina

i tried to knight her with my dick. she said it was unromantic. what an ungrateful attitude for a knight.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Please delete that video of me blowing you. I will repay you with 100 blowjobs even better than the one I gave you during that video. Please. I am gonna be a grandma one day.

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(802): View more from Vermont

He's yummy.

(613): View more from Ontario

HE'S GAY. AND 40.

(802): View more from Vermont

Irrelevant.

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(361): View more from Texas

I'm okay with corrupting his young mind.

(1-361): View more from Texas

Ew! He's just a child!

(361): View more from Texas

AND I'M GONNA SHOW HIM HOW TO MAKE ONE.

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(219): View more from Indiana

The moral of the story is do not hire me because everything will end up smelling like pickles and I will not sufficiently clean it up.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I won't be able to make it. Too hung over. Can't hold down fluids. I'm in the bathtub trying to hydrate my body through osmosis. And yes, Tequila Tuesday is totally still on for tonight.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I was to the point where my socks were drenched in ranch dressing

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(228): View more from Mississippi

thank you for tagging me in all my pictures as "skank" and yourself as "made by the hands of God"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Hangover Status: I've been bedridden longer than that kid from The Secret Garden. It's not looking good.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She gave me a handjob at the dinner table while her dad was carving the turkey. I made eye contact with him. Im pretty sure he knew.

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