Texts From Last Night · therealmsmo's Favorites

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therealmsmo's Favorites Texts:

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(419): View more from Ohio

If you fool around, take the WHITE sweatshirt off of her first. It's mine, and I don't like your cum nearly as much as she does.

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(630): View more from Illinois

There's just something about sucking a flaccid dick that makes me feel so calm. Like a baby cow..

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(480): View more from Arizona

Well, as a member of the greater american southwest gay community I just have to mark this as a total loss and you will be missed.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He yelled "juice on the loose", yes i am sure i need plan b

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(816): View more from Missouri

She was like the Rudy of blow jobs... SO much effort into it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

We tried to make a sex tape, but we were hammered and she forgot to take the cap off the camera. Somebody starts snoring 10 minutes in.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just had to download an app to edit pictures on my new phone. The things I do for sexting...

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(815): View more from Illinois

Boxed wine mondays was one of our finer ideas

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(330): View more from Ohio

All she said to me last night is that when her eyes roll back, to release my choke hold.

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(515): View more from Iowa

The other night after we fucked we talked about Lowe's vision insurance. Never fuck a coworker.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Why is everyone in the bowling alley looking at me like i'm a prostitute just because I have bunny ears on?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

professor came back from spring break missing a tooth

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(563): View more from Iowa

I woke him up and he was mumbling something about it being moist, or he peed himself but it was okay.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just blew a perc off the traytable on my flight, spring break has begun!!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You do realize that you tried to eat the neighbors cat because the dominos guy was 5 minutes late. You would have succeeded if we didnt stop you.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I think their strategy was based on people bein at a beach, seein a rainbow, and havin an orgasm at the same time.

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(914): View more from New York

my nipple ring is gone but someone was nice enough to replace it with a paperclip

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(662): View more from Mississippi

In the middle of getting a blow job, she looked up at me and said "this isn't the first time I've done this today"

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(317): View more from Indiana

She gave him a lap dance on the glass table. You can guess how that ended

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(859): View more from Kentucky

we're almost there. Shes pounding on the car window telling the nurse whos on a smoke break to fuck off.

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(440): View more from Ohio

thanks for celebrating my birthday so severely 2 years ago. i just found your hospital discharge papers in my closet.

(440): View more from Ohio

anything for my little brother.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm gonna start fucking more girls with asthma. help feed my ego.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Sometimes you gotta take the crosseyed stripper. fuck it

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I think my penis ruined a perfectly good friendship.

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(903): View more from Texas

Next year we will be 30 and no more shots during the week.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dude, if she brings up the lube, you know nothing

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(314): View more from Missouri

It is official. It's the year of doin married chicks. Similar to the year of virgins but without all the baggage.

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(719): View more from Colorado

getting a black eye the first day of spring break really sets the tone for the rest of the week.

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(239): View more from Florida

MISSING: One left eyebrow. Reward if returned.

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(619): View more from California

Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I found her in the bathroom licking her screwdriver off the floor. she said there was no way she was wasting a $6 drink.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

That penis you're staring at is the penis of heartbreak. Stay away. It will break your heart AND keep you away from other penises. BACK. OFF. THE PENIS.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just headbutted my cat because he was trying to eat my bacon.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(519): View more from Ontario

She found 60 bucks at the strip club. Its probabably been in a vagina but really most money probably has

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(513): View more from Ohio

You mean the girl who was passed out face down on the bathroom floor until 10 AM? You're right, she was cute.

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm considering failing out of my last semester of college just so I can keep fucking him.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Woke up next to my bed in a pile of skittles, sleeping on a pair of sweatpants. I can't believe the girl didn't stick around..

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(941): View more from Florida

Yes, she gives me platonic blowjobs as part of our friendship.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He called his prostate his "boner button".

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(812): View more from Indiana

So how does it feel getting boo'd by the entire 5 guys restaurant

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I had no where to run... The dumpster sounded like a good idea at the time

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just had to tell her that no she really doesnt need to sneak pizza from mcmurrays out in a plastic bag for me later

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(705): View more from Ontario

I had to write an apology letter to security guards in the hotel so I didnt get kicked out

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(805): View more from California

I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Although last time you were unsure about someone they flipped a golf cart on me.

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(954): View more from Florida

I was just compiling a top 5 blowjobs list and that's in there for sure.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Well, let me tell you, it was the most vivid sex dream I've ever had. More so than the Paris Hilton one I had in 05. And about as weird.

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(516): View more from New York

Was that not clear on Friday when I nearly deapthroated two ice cubes?

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(512): View more from Texas

Just had to return the shit I stole from the dining hall, with everyone watching...apparently there ARE consequences for being drunk, coked up and belligerent.

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(360): View more from Washington

Hahahaha you would not believe what I just pulled out of my vagina. Actually you probably wouldn't be surprised.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Just realized the guy is in my class. Unless there's another guy that had half his ear bit off at a St. Patty's party

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

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(760): View more from California

I'm pretty sure there was a language barrier but he knew what "harder" meant.

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(408): View more from California

Look you found him on craigslist. You should be happy that he at least HAS a normal looking dick.

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(619): View more from California

FYI the landlord called, said we need to clean the puke off the side of the house...was someone on the roof lastnight??

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(620): View more from Kansas

He ran five blocks just to watch me and my best friend make out. I think he's a keeper.

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(409): View more from Texas

Just a heads up, the coffee pot is filled with Jager.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just had to hear from a third party that he came inside of me

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(510): View more from California

After the second day the hotel realized I wasn't responsible enough to have a comforter, so they took it for the rest of the trip.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

She made me go down the fire escape when her mom came for breakfast.

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(231): View more from Michigan

Despite fighting the urge to vomit throughout the whole thing, I think that interview went really well!

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Chasing 100 proof soco w water from the tap at 4 pm, it's gonna one of those kinda Thursdays...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

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(801): View more from Utah

First I must say that I am disappointed to learn that you knowingly have trashy friends with whom you've not hooked me up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i pretended i was deaf and got a girl to come home with me

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(989): View more from Michigan

there are 5 pictures on my phone from last night, 4 are too blurry to recognize and the 5th is you dangling a twizzler over your mouth, naked.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the best sex is "duke just lost" sex.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He threw me out a window and then threw raw ground beef at us. Normally you'd hate someone for that, but that guy's great.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Meanwhile I am sitting on the couch with a 32 ounce rum and coke trying to decide if I'm too drunk to go get french fries.

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(518): View more from New York

I can feel the alcohol in my calves

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(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

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(228): View more from Mississippi

i know and i thought i was only capable of loving dick and drugs, im so happy

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Looking for the remote in the couch. Finding Adderall beads. Considering utilizing.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Hahaha I asked him about her bjs and he said "I would not wish that on anyone"

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(815): View more from Illinois

If you try to operate on me with a Bic pen and vodka, I'm never talking to you again

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(314): View more from Missouri

Ya. I was the definition of a shit show. I woke up outside my door when my alarm went off

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(979): View more from Texas

Wasn't a date. In exchange for artichoke dip I received a bj. And sex. It was a transaction.

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(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

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(407): View more from Florida

and now there are teeth marks on my dick.

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(845): View more from New York

you know it takes a lot for me to use utensils conservatively

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(618): View more from Illinois

I got used. This is the happiest day of my life. I was just a huge cock and that is all she needed.

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(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

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(973): View more from New Jersey

do not get into a discussion with my roommate when im sitting there naked ever again.

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(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

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(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough

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(253): View more from Washington

We all know tonight is going to end like every other night with you. drunk, pantless and confused. Dont try to switch things up.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I wish I had a "puke in your car" emoticon

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(443): View more from Maryland

Let me start this apology by saying you were the finest piece of ass I ever had.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

First coke bust down the road. Spring is finally here.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

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(719): View more from Colorado

You can come over, sure. But I'll be watching college hockey during the blow job.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I really can't get over how proud I am of all us getting laid at the same time in the same apartment

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(270): View more from Kentucky

New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, you fucked a nickle into me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.

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(705): View more from Ontario

I need input, can I pre-game my cat scan?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You should get a handy in the street again, just to prove you've still got it.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

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(214): View more from Texas

Why does it always end up with me crying in my car.

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(636): View more from Missouri

she gave me one of those friendship bracelets and said as long as I wore it it was like an all-access pass to her vagina

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(310): View more from California

She didn't even ask about the dinosaur pinata in my trunk. Like at this point I think these are the things she expects from me

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I was just about to send a concerned text until I opened my door and saw a shopping cart. I'm glad you made it home in one piece and with toys.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like a fucked a broomstick last night. You get a gold star.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i sat alone in my bed and ate pizza and garlic fingers. The icing on the cake was hearing your moans from down the hall.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point he was caressing me in the kitchen asking me my name over and over again and then asking what my favorite continent was

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(517): View more from Michigan

In an unknown location. With a giant marshmallow stuck to my back. Hello breakfast.

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(512): View more from Texas

I may have broken a few toes and my face hurts. I do know that I pissed the bed so at least I've got some closure there

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(727): View more from Florida

when you tell me you got me a birthday present, I have to assume it will show up in a drug test.

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(251): View more from Alabama

I got a phone call from security asking me to do my laundry wearing more than a blanket next time.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i think i had to give the cab driver my id to get home last night because i couldnt talk.

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(925): View more from California

She gave me head because I gave her my pack of cigarettes...And you said quitting would be hard.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

No one intentionally makes bad decisions, just errors in judgement. You have your boyfriend I have a restraining order from universal studios. It's all relative

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(214): View more from Texas

So I totally just remembered that you tried to smoke a hornet out of it's nest.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

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(805): View more from California

there was a trail of blood coming out of one of the bathroom stalls. thought of you

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(819): View more from Quebec

I fell asleep with all the lights and heat on in the apartment with windows open, Earth Hour is lost on people like me.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

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(315): View more from New York

My dildo fell into the bathtub. It sounded like a chainsaw.

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(409): View more from Texas

There are bruises on the top of my foot. The pole won.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

Uhg.. This isn't fair. I just want to have sex with you until i lose consciousness, wake up and start over... is that so much to ask?

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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(734): View more from Michigan

He got tattooed, peirced, and we're pretty sure he got rufeed by that fat chick. He was like a walking spring break stereotype.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I had to throw a towel over the bottles cuz it hurts to look at them

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(443): View more from Maryland

Just got tipped $5 for distracting some dude's gf while he got another girl's number. Bro-code at its finest.

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(917): View more from New York City

hey you forgot your wet suit in my room you can come grab it whenever

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah, we figured out that passing a joint between cars was a pretty bad idea

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(727): View more from Florida

And there are taco shells on the ceiling fan

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(419): View more from Ohio

On a side note I think I burnt my eyebrow when we "teter-totered" into the fire

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(514): View more from Quebec

Yeah he gave the rest of the brownies to the bouncer that took his fake

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

She's either too fat to type, hammered or has terrible spelling.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Please please please tell me that is not a pringles container full of pee that your little brother just got a hold of.....

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(214): View more from Texas

My dick is covered in produce stickers. I suspect you

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

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(949): View more from California

Be careful there's warming lubricant on the floor. I will clean and explain later.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I put labels all over the house on things I think are mine. A cactus, the dog, and a bottle of wine.

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(313): View more from Michigan

My overnight senior got drunk and hooked up with Kaylee on Sunday. I checked Facebook and he already put down his deposit for next year. This school should pay me a commission.

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(914): View more from New York

Maybe its all the xanax she takes but she literally has NO shame

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(217): View more from Illinois

Either I need to stop bringing you back to my apt or I need to stop buying ikea furniture

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(503): View more from Oregon

I passed out on the floor of a truck stop. Drinking binge 2011 is now over.

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(419): View more from Ohio

It was like getting head from an anaconda

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(440): View more from Ohio

omg he fucking fingered me this morning. and i was just like this is the most awkward alarm clock ive ever had

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Yeah, half my ass was burnt and I was missing a shoe. I'm blaming you for the shoe.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I was more concerned about the amount of mcdonalds fries on the floor around me than i was with my lack of clothes.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Even my vagina gasped.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(760): View more from California

she showed up with nothing but olive garden breadsticks in her purse.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Bouncy castle Catalina wine-mixer race for the cure. It will be as fun as it sounds

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is it just me or did a policeman park your car last night?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

downstairs . braiding the drunk passed out girls hair, she will thank us In the morning

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(504): View more from Louisiana

open bar reception. dayglow. pray for me

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(509): View more from Washington

My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I found his backpack for the weekend. All it had was ping pong balls, mardi gras beads, and Tums.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ive been a drunken mess for the last 5 days. i feel like a 19 year old again

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(226): View more from Ontario

I returned her cell phone that I found in the bathroom, I felt the stretcher and the ambulance was enough of a learning experience.

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(541): View more from Oregon

he tried to convince me he was a seal.. sound effects included. and then asked me to 'be his lady seal'.

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(303): View more from Colorado

No, "because my penis told me to" is not an acceptable answer to that question

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm fucking an ugly guy. Don't come home.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

well now I have to

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(231): View more from Michigan

His bootycalls folder in his contacts are divided into regions, we should have all become airline pilots.

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(740): View more from Ohio

Oh and you pulled your pants down outside in front of like five people, held my hand, then peed.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

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(773): View more from Illinois

What is an appropriate "thanks for saving my life" gift? I don't have any experience with this.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

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(503): View more from Oregon

I do have sympathy for you. It's just not going to manifest as a blow job.

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(812): View more from Indiana

woke up with the dennys waiters MYSPACE link on the back of my receipt...yep one of those nights

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(773): View more from Illinois

At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Definately laid on the floor of the shower this morning drinking the water as it fell on me.

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(630): View more from Illinois

there were staples in my comforter. what kind of sex did we even have?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Uh, do you remember who's thong is in my tree?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Judging by the hole in the wall by the door, the mis-matched shoes by the door, and the door hanging off one hinge... i'd say he's on the loose.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Going to get a "plan B"urrito

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Currently coming up with judgment, the game. Works well on buses, will probably be more entertaining in bars.

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(801): View more from Utah

Theres a picture of you standing next to a John Wayne cardboard cutout that says dont drink and drive. your buddy is shirtless holding a beer and youre holding your keys up with marker on your face.

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(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

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(361): View more from Texas

Hold my feet while i lean out of the window of the truck.

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(443): View more from Maryland

this is your 3rd pregnancy scare in 2 years, I think its time for you to re-evaluate the whole 'im a lesbian' thing

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(248): View more from Michigan

Thank you for getting us into that car accident. I have had more guys hit on me than ever before because of my broken fingers.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Found a pic of me suckling your nipple at the bar. Safe to say you don't want this one tagged?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Can you send me the video of that girl that got arrested last night? I'm gonna try and hit that and I need something to break the ice with.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just heard a glass bottle fall in lecture and my first thought was to yell party foul.....is it friday yet?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Dude I swear I heard "geet out!!!" when I went down on her. I shouldve listened.

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(917): View more from New York City

i'm traumatized. his orgasm face consisted of him looking like my dead grandfather and burping.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

You should know I just got pulled aside by TSA because they found a bottle of Bud Light in my backpack... Thanks for that...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Im watching him eat cream cheese and hot dog buns.

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(416): View more from Toronto

i feel like you're just hanging onto the edge of functioning wino.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sorry I didn't text you for coffee this morning...bad life decision Saturday sorta rolled into Monday...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops

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(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

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(716): View more from New York

It's 5:30am in Vegas and I'm eating McDondalds next to crying prostitutes.....low point.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you both peed in the photobooth after the pictures were taken.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hiding in a bush to avoid a seven dollar cab ride. cabby got out a flashlight and looked for us for like an hour. help.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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(513): View more from Ohio

How long is a courtesy make out supposed to last??

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(805): View more from California

My roommate threw his shoe through our window and I came out of my blackout kicking holes in my wall. Pretty sure Edward 80 Hands won't be happening anymore.

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(573): View more from Missouri

I found them on a couch next to the sidewalk screaming at cars with a megaphone. Kevin chased the mailman with a jello shot.

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(815): View more from Illinois

ummm i just drove by ur house and ur passed out on the porch. please call me when u get this

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Its official, drinking for 15 hours counts as a suicide attempt

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It was almost awkward to look at you naked while listening to Circle of Life. Just saying.

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(707): View more from California

You peed in the parking lot while a car was was waiting behind us. And when people walked by you proceeded to say "careful you might slip"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

At the same time. Hot men feeding me brownies. In between rounds of sex.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

You yelled "GET TO DA CHOPPA" and burst through her screen door and disappeared into the night. With the goose.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Turned out the thing on the lampshade was a bloodstain, not a bedbug. We feel much safer now.

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(240): View more from Maryland

One of two things would happen: He'd love it, or you'd get a restraining order.

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(254): View more from Texas

I just took a shower and I feel like 20 pounds of sex just came off of me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

We have sex, then we talk about foreign policy. Its a win-win.

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(650): View more from California

dude he was laying on two half-naked chicks, as they rubbed him down with lotion, while rolling a joint. hes like a modern-day african king

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think u should go home and go to bed. If u get arrested in the Ohio river u go to jail in Kentucky. Nobody wants to go to jail in KY.

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(219): View more from Indiana

He found my weave.. Think he'll still fuck me Friday? And how do I ask for it back?

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(903): View more from Texas

How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!

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(813): View more from Florida

Some guy just yelled at me from his car "CLIIIIIIIIIITT"... I feel like this has something to do with last night....

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He literally had a note from his doctor saying he wasn't allowed to finger me for a week

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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(940): View more from Texas

You graduated two years ago... You can't keep using spring break as an excuse.

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(845): View more from New York

Were playing bathroom attendees at the party and making people wash their hands

(845): View more from New York

i made a dollar

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(850): View more from Florida

I left two shots of jager for you guys when you wake up from your death. Do with it as you wish

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Just found bacon bits in my pocket. Blackout buffet is the best.

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(623): View more from Arizona

and then he tried plucking my nose hairs. lines were crossed.

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(469): View more from Texas

btw found the cat. he didn't appreciate the toilet bath.

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(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

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(772): View more from Florida

it's a "shave your legs in the cvs bathroom" kind of night

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(626): View more from California

How many bratwuest were you able to fit in your mouth at one time? It's me, Hans.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Thank you for holding my bra last night while i did a topless lap around the house

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(540): View more from Virginia

My lab manual has instructions for making home wine. Room project?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.

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(949): View more from California

I made out with Jen. We were naked. I'm still gay. Forever

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(512): View more from Texas

I can neither confirm or deny any bear related allegations right at this time.

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(415): View more from California

Dude I think my special talent is falling in drunkenly falling in front of a cop and getting away. This is the second time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I hope the doctor doesnt lift up and my shirt and listen to my lungs. I dont want to explain why I have rug burns on my back.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just realized. my grades aren't ready for st patties day...

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(740): View more from Ohio

Don't let the fact that shes seen my penis discourage you

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(650): View more from California

at 6am he came into my room and kicked me in the stomach. when i finally got up he was passed out in my hallway and the bathtub water was running

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(989): View more from Michigan

Sorry about blasting sandstorm on a loop when i left for work this morning. But maybe this will teach you to not come home trashed on a tuesday night with some chick and have loud sex till 4 in the morning. The walls are thin, remember?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Bathrooms are cool, I think Im just gonna hang out here for a bit.

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(916): View more from California

She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Fell down a spiral staircase. Et tu vodka. Et tu.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I made a tournament bracket for the girls that Im talking with.

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(214): View more from Texas

Woke up chewing my pillow from a dream where I was scarfing Cajun pasta from TGI Friday's. That's a new level of fat, even for us

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Friends dont let friends get hit with a flaming baton without warning

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

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(901): View more from Tennessee

There are a bunch of guys at the door looking for the guy you brought back to the condo...pretended not to speak English. You're welcome.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Dontating $10 to the Red Cross relief effort in Japan for every car bomb I take tomorrow. Yes, buying me a drink just became a good cause.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Considering the last guy I had sex with was gay, this was a huge improvement.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So getting a bj to I believe I can fly is one of the greatest things ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just dropped my cookie in my glass of milk and looked at it for ten minutes. Thanks for telling me you made weed cookies.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Use motel 8. I'll give you my credit card #. i'll pay for it cuz i care about your vagina.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm spooning a three legged dog right now. Started drinking whiskey with Breakfast. Best part about being biracial is Irish cousins. Dog Pic Attahed

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I've consumed over the last couple days is Vanilla Coke, semen, and Coors. I don't think today will be any different.

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(386): View more from Florida

I can hear her blowing you man. All I hear is her saying 'yeah' over and over again.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I have to fuck proof my bed. It was in the middle of the room this time.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Is it ironic that the girl with the horse face is also on the equestrian team?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

shes 19, drunk and said she has no gag reflex. im trying to decide if i have scruples

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

you dont

(732): View more from New Jersey

i dont

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(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm currently bartering with this guy so I can fuck his bi girlfriend. We're at 5 pizzas and he gets to watch us make-out.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I'm cleaning my bathroom. That being said I found a klonopin and dropped it and stepped on it. Floor is clean im gonna snort it.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Update: still drunk enough to get lost in Zellers and to think my reflection was my mother. Awesome day.

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(760): View more from California

I found bruises on my neck from barfing out the window.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

This is me reassuring you that I'm still alive and making sure you still are.

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(515): View more from Iowa

We don't need a hotel, we'll just sleep in the post office.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She posted on her FB that he moved out...It's like she wants me to fuck him.

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(949): View more from California

She climbed through the window and into my bed. Not even sure who she is. Was thinking she might be a friend of yours?

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(253): View more from Washington

So you plan on doing double washing machine sex? Like. A double date. But with sex. On a washing machine..?

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude i woke up sitting indian style with my face on the ground and my hand in a bucket of ice.

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(210): View more from Texas

He went around feeding all the high kids pretzels. He's like their god now

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(516): View more from New York

matt and i tucked you in... you REFUSED to move your head from under the bed.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I met her at the liquor store. I hope I'm wearing a condom

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(408): View more from California

I'm a little nervous about this St. Patty's Day party. Seriously, we're still finding stuff from the Halloween party.

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(256): View more from Alabama

its not that he announces that he can deep throat a banana its the fact he knows he can and it makes me wonder how he found out

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(678): View more from Georgia

we used a swiffer mop as a stripper pole.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can't help but be optimistic. I'm like a ball of slutty sunshine.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm standing in line at the liquor store and they're making popcorn.

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(816): View more from Missouri

... thanks for letting me perform minor surgery on myself last night.

(314): View more from Missouri

I figured if you were smart enough to sterilize with vodka, you could handle it.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(248): View more from Michigan

yes you're required to wear a bikini its the snowpocalypse beach party

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(815): View more from Illinois

its like accelerated beer pong for children.....we train champions young

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(956): View more from Texas

while we were making out your friend starting kissing my toes and all you had to say was "just go with it"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There is no way I'm taking advice from somone who's idea of a balanced diet consists of vodka and lemon detox juice

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Are we responsible for the snowmen doing it doggy-style in my front yard?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table

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(916): View more from California

craigslist free llama. are you in or are you in?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Let's turn this shoulder dislocation into a positive. Come to the hospital, bring some beers, let's party.

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(443): View more from Maryland

Someone better explain the burnt stove marks on my bed.

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(319): View more from Iowa

She definitely pulled a diaper out of her purse and cleaned up the vodka with it, where do you meet these people?!

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(760): View more from California

coming out of a blackout being surrounded by Disney police was not as awesome as it sounds.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

oh god was she eating orange peels again

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(420): View more from

then he asked me if i wanted to "handle his wingman"

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(973): View more from New Jersey

and then he started using my ass as a stressball

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(+03): View more from

Dude, you walked in on me 5 times each times you had a different person with you. And each time you lifted the covers up and said 'whats going on in here'

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just think of all the blizzard sex people are having right now

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(404): View more from Georgia

You tried to sled down the middle of the street. In. Your. Coat. Of course you are bruised.

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(770): View more from Georgia

How does me getting a new dildo make you crave olive garden

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(319): View more from Iowa

This is ridiculous. It's like playing possible STD Clue, and I don't want to be the winner.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hes laying on the floorn in the bathroom telling Jesus to raise the flag

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(912): View more from Georgia

we bribed her with croutons and jello shots.

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(818): View more from California

She just invited me to drunkenly make out on the kitchen floor again.....

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(203): View more from Connecticut

apparently he thought telling me 'the weasel wants to come out to play' would somehow convince me to go down on him

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(518): View more from New York

College students should never be allowed to have snow days. Never.

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(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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(410): View more from Maryland

I just had a flashback of 4:30am: me hugging the toilet bowl and you handing me a jar of pickles to open. There is something seriously wrong with us.

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(212): View more from New York

It can't be good... The last recollection I have is singing lullabys to his penis

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(631): View more from New York

Oh, and no balcony sex...trust me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's yelling about threesomes and realllly wants you to come over. Put the pieces together.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm sorry, but my penis isnt the solution to your problems

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(972): View more from Texas

Well yea but it's the principle of the thing.. The fact that he could actually BE your daddy

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(905): View more from Ontario

I got groped on the dancefloor by both grooms. I love gay weddings

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(325): View more from Texas

Some are given great drunkenness. Others have great drunkenness thrust upon them, in the form of ice storms.

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(915): View more from Texas

Why is there blood and lettuce everywhere?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Wait til she sees the pic of her vag in court docs.

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(305): View more from Florida

I remember convincing the limo driver to smoke with us and if he did I would name my first son after him.

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(916): View more from California

WHATEVER CLASS IS PLAYING "TOOT IT AND BOOT IT" AT 8:30 IN THE MORNING, I WANT IN.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She got a digital picture frame for her birthday. FINALLY - a place for me to sneak all those penis shots I've taken with my iPhone.

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(316): View more from Kansas

If you're going to outback I'll have to decline, I've slept with a large enough portion of their staff already.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

in the past 3 nights i've fucked a millionaire, a drug dealer and a civil engineer... i dont really have a "type" anymore

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Just put a sign on a baby carriage that says "all daddy wanted was a blowjob" might get fired.

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(513): View more from Ohio

4 random people called me telling me they found him sleeping in the fetal postion on a driveway 45 minutes after we lost him

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(712): View more from Iowa

He yelled out my full name in bed...I felt like I was being scolded.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i just remember sitting on this bed, naked, STILL WITH A CONDOM ON, and suddenly these random girls were in the room shouting at me

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(240): View more from Maryland

Can we please stop calling your vagina the cave of wonders?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Ya I got a cut on my head from the toilet seat last time I drank there.

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(+61): View more from Australia

i drank out of my shoe...were you seriously expecting me to be the voice of reason?

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(519): View more from Ontario

It was the worst sex ever. All she did was tap on my balls with her hands like she was in a reggae band.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Either you made a spaghetti vodka smoothie last night, or you puked in the blender.

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(817): View more from Texas

Just ran into that guy that tried to take a dump in your pool

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives

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(440): View more from Ohio

The twins are whispering in turkish together. I think I did something bad last night.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It'll be just me and my penis against the world.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Legit I think I might have gotten hepatitis C from licking the window of that last cab.

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(813): View more from Florida

just had a memory of me telling homeless mark that it was the year of the bunny and he said "you da bunny, girl"

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We found them in a dumpster making out trying to get their privacy

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Confidence margaritas not a good idea. Just said foreskin in my presentation instead of foresight.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Well, there are worse ways to make $50 at a gay club.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Ever since I told them the story of the sex in the canoe scandal its like I am in season

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(480): View more from Arizona

You were sad because he was "taking it out on the plant"

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(423): View more from Tennessee

You have to stop getting hammered and preaching about that mission trip to Haiti.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're like the curious george of whores

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(541): View more from Oregon

apparently there was a flour fight and couch sex...

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(760): View more from California

my goal is to not remember how i make a living by 9pm saturday night

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(+45): View more from Denmark

You do realize I got a panda tattooed on my ass just to get you laid, right?

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(631): View more from New York

I waited so long to accept his friend request that he canceled it. So I added him and when he accepted I deleted him. I wonder how long this will be funny to me

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just wanted to let you know that this afternoon I took a piss at the same toliet you drank out of on New Years Eve.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Someone just asked if you were the one who rode around the bar on some girls back

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Housing came buy and confiscated our shopping cart :(

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(314): View more from Missouri

apparently the bartender would rather give me free shots than tell me that my whole nipple piercing was hanging out

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm going to be blunt here. I don't actually care what you're doing tonight. I just need to know if I need to shave or not.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can't believe i facilitated a beer for sweater vest deal last night...

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(804): View more from Virginia

I've started grabbing my boobs in front of my lesbian philosophy professor so she'll give me a better grade. It's working...

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(443): View more from Maryland

The girl who overdosed in the bathroom at work is back....help?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I told him "thank you for wearing a turtleneck yesterday, I no longer have a strong erg to have sex with you. " He is no longer speaking to me.

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(416): View more from Toronto

He passes out, I smoke his kush. All's fair in love and a disappointing lack of sex.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hey, did you take me to hospital last night?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know what's worse: going to the liquor store at 9am or knowing that its open at 9am

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm questioning the dried chocolate syrup on my tits.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

Srsly this has gone to far. Just broke my nose on the toilet. College bars.

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(512): View more from Texas

$5 long island pitchers = roommate pissing on his laptop at 3am.

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(216): View more from Ohio

she named my penis "gigantor the baby arm"

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(815): View more from Illinois

u got into a flexing contest with a dude in bathroom in the mirror at the club

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You refused to come over and kept yelling that you were gonna sleep on a car

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(585): View more from New York

yeah, that's what i said too. right before i tackled that street sign.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then some norwegians asked us to be in their porno.

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(818): View more from California

I asked for a dramatic "funeral" look for my makeup. They judged me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

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(303): View more from Colorado

That's why you NEVER put anything a stripper gave you in your mouth

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(703): View more from Virginia

The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently as I was doing the walk of shame home my dad's date was on her way to hers. hoes come in all ages these days

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(201): View more from New Jersey

PS- I just stirred my mimosa with a slice of bacon

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(517): View more from Michigan

She just said, "are my livers going to die?"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I think this breakup is Gods way of telling me I deserve a bigger dick

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(406): View more from Montana

he got mad when I told him his flaccid penis looked like a sleeping kitten

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(804): View more from Virginia

I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

If I remember who won the superbowl tomorrow morning.. I think I'm just going to quit drinking. There really won't be a point anymore

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(513): View more from Ohio

He managed to get his pants on, so the cop just sat there facing us with his lights shining in the car. I made shadow puppets.

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(330): View more from Ohio

WHAT DO YOU MEAN I DIDN'T APOLOGIZE? THERE WAS A PEACE OFFERING MADE VIA TACO BELL.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Did I at antime last saturday slip away and sign up for a prayer circle?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being at this bar with grandma is a real cockblocker

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(541): View more from Oregon

Just woke up next to our cab driver from last night. Please tell me this isn't happening.

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(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

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(316): View more from Kansas

How many folks do you know who bring coke to a dinner party. Seriously.

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(406): View more from Montana

He took me to the bathroom in the gay bar to "just cuddle." Fool me once, shame on you. Fool me twice...well...

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You disinfected one of his friends, buttered the jeans of the other one. And you poured every liquid you could reach on the floor, including cooking oil and green tea. It wasnt a great first impression

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i understand why you think this is a bad idea but its happening so buckle up an get your whiskey

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(786): View more from Florida

HE HAS A FUCKING TWIN. HE HAS A TWIN. I'M NOT DRUNK THERE IS TWO OF THEM.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Just picture a bunch of Abraham Lincolns having an orgy.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm gonna need a helmet and adult supervision by 9...

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(612): View more from Minnesota

She said "don't make this weird" and then proceeded to sniff me.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Escorted a stripper to her car last night,and all I got was a "Thanks" and "Go Steelers."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's alright she couldn't hear you. Her legs were over her ears

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dont ask, hes out back rolling around in the yard freaking out. literally just had a 15 minute conversation, only word i could make out was "yellow"

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(602): View more from Arizona

It looks alright. The blow up doll is in the microwave, and she has forks in her ass

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(313): View more from Michigan

if that blanket by the dog bowl was your dog's "bed" then i apologize to bailey for having sex on it

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just 'accidentally' changed my relationship status to 'in an open relationship' just to see what offers I might get if I were to dump him. it's not looking good

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(281): View more from Texas

threw up in the library. i should be embarrassed, but i'm willing to bet that i'm one of the first so i'm kinda proud.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

just woke up on my balcony. who won the super bowl?

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(716): View more from New York

Some guy stole lobsters by hiding them in his pants. We should strive to be like him.

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(420): View more from

The guy in front of me got in the club with his green card, that's awesome

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm skipping the 'hey, how are you, I have to pick up something pointless at your apartment' excuse and just telling you I'm coming over to fuck.

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(512): View more from Texas

Tequila bombs in champagne seemed like a good idea at the time.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Are you seriously trying to guilt me into sending you naked pictures by saying "So I can look at them during dialysis" ?

(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it working?

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(208): View more from Idaho

Its become more of a routine.. Whenever I get done eating and have left overs I just take it over to his house and throw it all over the walls and windows. Pay backs a bitch ehhhh

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(231): View more from Michigan

P.S, i don't recommend doing keg stands on top of vehicles.

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(519): View more from Ontario

someone wrote on his wall: "congrats on your engagement"

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I think you may want to look into that...

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(631): View more from New York

At what point in your drunken state would you actually believe that the cops wanted to party with you?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Look dude, you cant keep blaming everything on the new years party. Its february...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dental hygienist just pulled two flakes of glitter out. And asked me how i've been doing with the divorce.

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My suggestion that we all just smoke some weed was greeted with a uncomfrotable silence and a 'maybe later'. These are not our people

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(614): View more from Ohio

Just hooked up with a girl I met in line at Taco Bell. I told you leave me to do my own thing and I'll get it in

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(847): View more from Illinois

Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night

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(609): View more from New Jersey

At least drunk me was smart enough to stash toilet paper in my bag before I started my walk home. Finally countless squat pees and wiping with grass taught me to be prepared.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Worst bachelorette party. She got smashed and cried because she thinks she might have herpes from when she cheated on him. Not looking good for them.

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(248): View more from Michigan

had to go back to that apartment this morning to get my other boot. it was tacked to the wall

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(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(562): View more from California

Then, he just started shoving orange pieces in my mouth as a chaser

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(218): View more from Minnesota

all I heard when I woke up this morning was "BONG HITS FOR BREAKFAST" being yelled repeatedly.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Well it went from being a hug to a straight out tackle through the back door.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He's got a wife and three kids but I'm into being that mistake.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I need $500 dollars more than I need a night of dignity... I gonna do it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

If I don't have herpes this will be the single greatest day of my life

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(914): View more from New York

I just banged that chick from the bar by speaking french. all i had to do was recite my grocery list

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(919): View more from North Carolina

For the record it's 1026 and you told me I could leave you in the bathroom.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just remember thinking, if she falls asleep, I'm totally eating that spilled chex mix right off of her.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Hey man, sorry I chased you around the house with a small table.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(212): View more from New York

the boys lacrosse roster just went up... now we can see who we had sex with

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(239): View more from Florida

gave you a haircut while you slept. Please don't kill me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

did you by any chance leave me that 7 minute long voicemail of you running and constantly tripping into bushes?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He asked if I wanted a dutch rudder. 1.) Who says that? 2.) How exactly does one do that with a girl?

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(404): View more from Georgia

And yes, in case u were wondering a 25 year old high school agriculture teacher did just hit on me At Walmart bc of my pinata

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(250): View more from British Columbia

for future reference: playing drunken strip-twister is a euphemism for a threesome. just thought you should know.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

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(224): View more from Illinois

Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.

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(253): View more from Washington

In hindsight, buying 4 different kinds of vibrators at once may have been a little overenthusiastic of me.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

He was banging holes in the kitchen wall with pots. They tried to pull him away but only managed to pants him. He kept "drumming".

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(425): View more from Washington

It's been 5 months since I last wore a condom.

(425): View more from Washington

Not including when spray tanning

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(519): View more from Ontario

your drunk mistake has arrived...he is the one wearing a poncho

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(208): View more from Idaho

i robbed the continental breakfast last night

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(61): View more from Australia

who said I'd never amount to anything...i just won 'most enthusiastic' at my poledancing class

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(720): View more from Colorado

It's sad that the best source of heat that I have is my vaporizer.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope we're in the ER. He lit himself on fire trying to impress another girl with magic tricks.

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(214): View more from Texas

Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.

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(310): View more from California

I enjoyed our heart to heart in the trunk on the way to the stripclub

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(707): View more from California

I have located the smell of the stripper and narrowed it down to 3 girls in class

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(905): View more from Ontario

No, that was the night I was sneezing out barf

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

hes wearing the same tie today that i tied him up with last night.i wanna go home

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(847): View more from Illinois

I gave myself a pep talk in the library bathroom mirror. and then threw up in the sink.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She said she couldn't find my penis because my arm was in the way. That was my penis

(1-703): View more from Virginia

Every man deserves at least one moment like that

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(260): View more from Indiana

did you really just refer to me me as an old fashioned penis?

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(903): View more from Texas

I woke up this morning next to a stack of saltines & a txt from u saying "do it." it took me a second to remember wat was going on

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(+25): View more from

We're lucky we aren't prostitutes by now. Whats the etiquette for returning a pair of heels with blood on them?

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(512): View more from Texas

Well on the bright side, I only need a sophomore to complete the fuck-a-guy-from-every-year-challenge.

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(630): View more from Illinois

don't ever tell me how terrible your next walk of shame is until you run into your little brother on his way to class.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.

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(714): View more from California

I gotta stop tellin complete strangers at the bar that they're the godparents to my first born

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(630): View more from Illinois

Ya,, he does have virgin eyes. Thats a real thing you know...

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Leaving ole miss girls house to go to the stripper girls house. Why did it take losing my job to start getting laid all the damn time?

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(310): View more from California

He woke up licked his hand and put it on my vag and went back to sleep. This is twice this week and its only wednesday

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(206): View more from Washington

someone just sent me a bong wrapped in christmas paper in the mail. signed 'santa'.

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(801): View more from Utah

my stepmom is let-the-dog-eat-out-of-her-mouth drunk. oh my god.

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(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

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(239): View more from Florida

i'm sure god appreciates how great my boobs look during this fine christmas eve mass

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(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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(630): View more from Illinois

We did a shot for each one. Father... son... and holy ghost. That wasn't enough though so we moved on to toasting dead relatives.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I woke up tied to the door handle with reindeer patterned socks. You can tell it's Christmas.

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(765): View more from Indiana

We have video of him nailing the sex doll to my wall and putting all the monopoly pieces in her nose

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(712): View more from Iowa

buying my parents vodka for Christmas is like buying a normal person socks.

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(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

SANTA'S REAL. I GOT MY PERIOD.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I feel wrong giving my mom a cash gift full of dirty stripper money.

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(646): View more from New York

Watching dad use Doritos to illustrate exactly where to locate the clitoris. How's your family christmas going?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just dropped macaroni right down my cleavage. For the sake of our future, I'm really banking on this being a turn on for you.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He leaned out the window to puke right as the fan for the ac turned on. All of it blew back up into his face.

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(775): View more from Nevada

It's safe to say that our attempt at trying to fuck in the grand Sierra elevator was a bad idea.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just figured out, there are 9 children in this world that I can look at in the face and say "I fucked your mom."

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(313): View more from Michigan

hypothetically speaking is slutty or smart to buy plan b before we go on spring break so i dont have to get it in mexico

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(207): View more from Maine

And for the fourth year in a row Christmas has ended in tears, yelling and me drinking. This is officially our longest running Christmas tradition.

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(281): View more from Texas

my mom and grandma just had a splits competition. slut runs in the family

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(703): View more from Virginia

yeah except there is a correlation between drinking moonshine and going blind, which kind of concerns me

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(713): View more from Texas

He tipped the stripper with quarters. After that not even the waitress would talk to us. I had to move to another table to get a lapdance

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(253): View more from Washington

she stopped mid-blowjob to explain how to acheive the haircut shown in the movie

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(913): View more from Kansas

You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

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(865): View more from Tennessee

It reminded me of the time my mother gave my Bailey's in my stocking when I was 14.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just when I think I'm the one with the problem, I get home for the holidays and the family shows me what alcoholism is really about

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well

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(661): View more from California

Just woke up to my stoned boyfriend building a shrine around my bare ass. He'll never leave me.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I just wanna go home eat some pizza rolls, get warm and jerk off, and it's only 845. This shit was supposed to make me see unicorns. Not cry

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

She wore that goddamn strap-on all night. When she was playing guitar hero it kept getting in the way but she just wouldn't take it off.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

It seems to me that once you begin comparing Jesus to hercules and calling him a super pimp you should put the wine away...

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(435): View more from Utah

Well, my mom brought up me being vague about losing my license and she gave me the intervention look. so i left before they could bring out their heartfelt letters...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i'm getting the "you hooked up with my friends" speech from him. i'm returning with the "gotta keep my quota up" speech

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(813): View more from Florida

It's like that depressing moment when you drop your cocaine in the snow.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He came over while I was in the ER and hung pictures of himself around my house.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She sent me a pic of shot glasses on fire if that tells you anything

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(609): View more from New Jersey

promise me that when we are 32, we will look nothing like Kim Zolciak. Promise me right this instant.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

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(562): View more from California

I called her new haircut "lesbian progressive" and now she's upset

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

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(+82): View more from South Korea

Need a travel agent to tell me which countries in Asia have legalized prostitution for New Year. Fireworks would be cool too.

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(254): View more from Texas

she's throwing a head of lettuce everywhere shouting HEADS UP and trying to get us to play catch with her. i'm scared.

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(214): View more from Texas

I don't know why people felt they couldn't use the toilet with me passed out in the tub. I shut the curtain. It was like being in another room.

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(512): View more from Texas

It was literally like being eaten out by a dog. That bad.

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(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You now know someone who has just successfully talked his way out of being arrested for breaking into the town library at midnight. Ive been home for too long.

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(607): View more from New York

She started licking your face, then you turned to me and said "I guess thats my cue", and you proceeded to hook up with her.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She has a facebook friends list called oops. theres 33 people in it. she said its all the guys she regrets fucking.

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(979): View more from Texas

I've decided the third guy that I slept with is who I lost my virginity to...

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(845): View more from New York

you wore rainboots all night because you said the forecast called for wine spillage

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(330): View more from Ohio

So just to get a feel for things...how prone are you to male Amish strippers...

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(317): View more from Indiana

Playing a game in life called "how far can I make a man travel for a booty call"

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom

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(516): View more from New York

i have no feeling in my penis or fingers but i think it was worth it

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(410): View more from Maryland

I know everyone screamed lady cop instead of cops. I wanted to apologize to her for our chauvinism

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(516): View more from New York

my vagina has been out of service for wayy too long... this semester needs to start like right now

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(516): View more from New York

Its pretty simple actually, if she texts me either Grr or Rawr it means she is horny and wants to bone. its a perfect system

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

No driving. The car is spinning. I am praying for mcdonalds.

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(804): View more from Virginia

He told me he breastfed 'til he was six. That explains the obsession with me getting fake tits. Is it a red flag?

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(940): View more from Texas

I will not ride trays down a flight of stairs topless and drunk....

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(910): View more from North Carolina

All she does is lay in bed and watch golden girls and masturbate all day...

(910): View more from North Carolina

It's inspiring.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm at a party with half naked strippers driving in a little kids battery powered mustang around a stipper pole in his bedroom

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(770): View more from Georgia

We uncovered another pile of vomit after you left. And i am not talking about the one in the vase

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(347): View more from New York

the awesomeness of being snowed in wore off after we ran out of beer and we realized we really didnt want to be stuck with everyone.

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(613): View more from Ontario

My dealer's mom died on christmas eve. Is it too soon to see if he's holding?

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(907): View more from Alaska

The cab driver had me sign for the payment and I was like give me a second while I throw up right outside your door.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the ceiling is raining jello shotss

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up to find myself cooking eggs on the imaginary stove in my room.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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(678): View more from Georgia

So I have the hangover from hell, spent all night puking, and there's a septic tank truck parked outside the house literally pumping shit. You win God.

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(641): View more from Iowa

We are NOT roofying him just to get him to pass out so we can build a masive snow cock in his yard.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I got out of bed with her to go smoke a bowl with her roommate which was fine but I passed out when I went upstairs to take a piss.

(314): View more from Missouri

Yeah.. she's probably not gonna call.

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(905): View more from Ontario

If a young child walked up to you and grabbed your penis, you'd feel violated too.

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(949): View more from California

The guy who took my order at mcdonalds asked for my number. I think we should start fucking fast food employees, they're easy and think we're goddesses.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

You insisted that you sleep on the bear rug instead of the couch. You said it was lonely and you kept on petting its head.

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(260): View more from Indiana

Explain to me how "cheap asian titties" is a complement?

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(727): View more from Florida

trying to imitate man vs food after 12 shots doesnt mean youll get laid

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(805): View more from California

I just had a 30 minute fake cell phone conversation with myself just to avoid hooking up with the drunk guy next to me. its like an art form.

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(317): View more from Indiana

She told me she needed to clarify that we are not fuck buddies, we are best friends that have sex once in a while

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(845): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to sleep with your sister' discount

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

He looks like the kind of guy that would jack off to weird things.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So many people have lost their virginity on my futon... I think it is only the right thing to bronze it and put it on display

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Judging by his buldge, this guy is huge. just paid steve to follow him into the bathroom and find out. They had a convo about it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

She's dressed as a slutty Dalmatian. I doubt she has morals.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Well, that's a 3 inch weight lifted off of my vagina

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(515): View more from Iowa

Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

turkey basters and jungle juice, is that really the whole shopping list for new year's?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I had to physically hold you down to stop you from going out the window naked. You put up quit the struggle.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer

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(210): View more from Texas

Not quite sure what happened last night. I'll drive your dresser over to you later.....

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(251): View more from Alabama

I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i lost my airplane ticket and tried to board with a bar receipt in all the confusion. i have officially lost all brain cells in college.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i am pretty sure she ate my hamster last night. i am thinking this because she left me a note that says she ate my hamster and my hamster is no longer in its hamster cage.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(310): View more from California

Thanks for last night. Sorry if i was obnoxious. I respect your morals and i wouldn't want you to lose your virginity to a drunk girl in your mom's prius.

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(206): View more from Washington

I had a dream about a turtle sitting on top of a horse skull. I'm certain its a symbol for my dead sex life. Trust me.

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(415): View more from California

there is no way i can order from that cashier at in n out after she tried helping me while i was drunkenly puking in their bathroom at 11 am

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(480): View more from Arizona

i seriously have like 9 pictures of people taking shots out of a vag on my camera....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(614): View more from Ohio

It was worse than when we pepper-sprayed my dick. I feel mislead.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

are we at that level where i can tell you your girlfriends tits looked really good yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

remember to ask your mom about the name of her pet duck so we can name the bowl

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Well, a cop just pulled up. This could go either way.

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(302): View more from Delaware

this must be what syphilis tastes like

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(925): View more from California

I have just two goals for this NYE. 1) get so drunk that every guy looks like Clive Owen 2) make out with as many Clive's as possible.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You came back with four clearly unattractive women and wanted to throw a dance party in my room.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

After 12 shots he decided to show us knife tricks. You can figure out how it ended

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(601): View more from Mississippi

After throwing up in a tequila bottle on my nightstand (still not sure how she did that) she asked if she could slip into something more comfortable.

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(302): View more from Delaware

He passed out on the floor and you kept hitting him in the dick and screaming "hammer of justice".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

One date. That's all it took. I want to have his geunis babies in me. One date.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My mom is helping me re-arrange my room to make New Year's more hook-up friendly

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(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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(503): View more from Oregon

If we both stop thinking about your penis for just a moment, we'd realize it is important and good that you are spending quality time with your family

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(330): View more from Ohio

He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.

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(315): View more from New York

There was a suspicious looking plate that suggests I may have eaten salad with gravy

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(616): View more from Michigan

You puked in the drive thru of Taco Bell. You puked as it was being handed to me. You managed to yell out "FIRE SAUCE" in between hurls.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did Kevin really put his bar tab under the name Hercules last night?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(703): View more from Virginia

had to split buying plan b over two cards. I will no longer challenge people to get on my level

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(802): View more from Vermont

i want to get drunk and sing the national anthem on your roof again please.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have vodka an food stamps. At some point today, that will undoubtedly turn into jello shots.

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(734): View more from Michigan

The cardboard box in my backseat wasn't strong enough to keep your pee contained. Come clean my car.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Shaun got a portable breathalyzer for christmas so now we can tell who the biggest pussy is at the end of the night.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i thought i'd fucked her to death. no lie. she just stopped moving.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Judging by the amount of alcohol multiplied by the amount of her exes here, tonight will be ending in tears.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Let's have a moment of silence for the guinea pig that drunk chick threw out our window.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm

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(614): View more from Ohio

There's two girls at the bar sniffing each others boobs.

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(206): View more from Washington

We have literally factored in $2200 for bail money in the budget. This vegas trip will be out of hand. We are signing confidentiality contracts.

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(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

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(951): View more from California

apparently it was the return of drunk burrito sex.

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(518): View more from New York

I just want you to know if you wake up tomorrow morning and wreak of mustard, I was not involved.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

you were just eating all his cookies and kept mumbling "them crumblies" when the crumbs got on your shirt.

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(361): View more from Texas

like a sex slave...but with a better dental insurance plan

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(802): View more from Vermont

She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Did you push me into the oil wrestling or did I elect to do it?

(509): View more from Washington

You said you wanted to do it, but I gave you a friendly nudge.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It smelled like mall pretzels. Of course I investigated.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you were sitting on your bed looking out the window, rocking back and forth naked, saying how peaceful it looked outside

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(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

This is the time you want your cat to have telepathy with you. To know if the guy downstairs left.

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(818): View more from California

At a Jewish lesbian wedding. I stick out like a sore, uncircumcised penis.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I was told u were the one who could explain to me why i woke up in the running shower, still in my dress and heels

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(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..

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(720): View more from Colorado

She's the only person who can pull off turning an outdoor patio heater tower into a stripper pole.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dunno man, last I saw him he bet me he could eat more ranch the me, then ran off

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(330): View more from Ohio

I knew shit got real when the pinapple was gone and people were just passing around the core and gnawing on it.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If she wants to think that freshman 15 means sleeping with 15 guys than so be it I just gotta make sure I'm one of them.

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(914): View more from New York

Facebook stalking a girl from Germany is harder then you think.you have to copy and paste all this shit into freetranslations.com then try and piece together an awkward sentence. If only I could put this energy into something productive.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.

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(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

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(575): View more from New Mexico

So where are we on this whole, you write my paper...i do sexual favors situation?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Please tell me how you drunkenly remembered your social security number when we were checking you into the ER.

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(516): View more from New York

Some mysterious chinese delivery man dropped off 2 free egg rolls. Clutch

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(815): View more from Illinois

i wont go near him until the smell goes away , and he takes the chex mix box off his head.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

when i'm drunk i think im just gonna point at him and yell adultery is a sinnnn. youre going to helllll

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I bought this skirt with every intention to have it wrapped around my tits by the end of the night. So, I'm not a whore. I'm a self-fulfilling prophecy.

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(561): View more from Florida

Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

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(256): View more from Alabama

No. He just yelled "youre having one more orgasm!" So he made that happen and then he rolled over and went to sleep.

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(846): View more from

he rubbed his balls on my face to wake me up.. this friends with benefits thing is getting out of hand.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had the all of mcdonalds chanting USA as he motorboated you

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't think the cop knew you were on ecstasy until you asked for a back rub.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Sitting in a bubble bath with my bong, how's your morning?

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(503): View more from Oregon

This is the last pregnancy scare i've had since i was 12 and i thought you could get pregnant from masturbating.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It's horrible of you to say your above all this when the bar uses your drunk picture to scare people.

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(213): View more from California

just used clorox wipes to give myself a whores bath. hello finals week

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he said i looked like a lion with slutty lingerie on .

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(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

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(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

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(734): View more from Michigan

I can't believe I am actually paying for a night in a hotel for my parents so I can throw a party the night before Christmas Eve. I also can't believe they think it's their Christmas present.

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(936): View more from Texas

the paramedic just looked at me like "you again?"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Drinking wine in my childhood bed getting ready to go to sleep in order to wake up for my menial temp job. Thanks, college degree, I can handle the real world.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i'm sitting in the second floor bathroom drinking coronas in the shower. do not find me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If I die I am blaming you for not answering to tell me the proper dosage of horse tranquilizers to take

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

we're on our way back. she tried to pants the waiter again.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I've hooked up with six guys in my ethics class next semester...I feel like I've failed already

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(904): View more from Florida

naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Packing up everything in the dorm. Silly bands to unused condom ratio is ridiculous.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Yep we found him face down in my sister's bathroom begging for blowjobs without mustard

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

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(404): View more from Georgia

The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant

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(805): View more from California

The best part is that he made someone stop their workout to take pictures of him, specifically so he could put them on facebook. That is an unparalleled level of douchebaggery.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I am solely responsible for the birth of their child. I mean, I did push them into the room and hold the door shut yelling "punch that kitty!". It has to be a sign.

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(818): View more from California

The only bad thing about this relationship... my forearm strength is dwindling

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(804): View more from Virginia

Yeah go get her. And don't bring her clothes I want her to walk back in her Christmas stocking dress. Take pictures.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I mean, we started to hook up but my asthma attack kind of killed the mood

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So I drew a giant robot attacking a city on the chem test. My TA colored in the fire on the burning building

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(415): View more from California

I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

now that we've slept with the entire soccer team i think its time to expand the horizon.

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(786): View more from Florida

You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.

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(+43): View more from

After New Year's Eve I will be hibernating my life away. Only wake me up for skiing, schnapps, and sex. In that order.

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(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

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(541): View more from Oregon

Hes the only one i know who can talk to a girl for an entire hour abuot the science in starwars and still get laid.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I just learned that my father was teaching me rules for drinking games when I was 5.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Of course she said it wasn't that good, I don't bring my A game to pity fuck the thrice divorced girl from work

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(225): View more from Louisiana

He fucked a visibly pregnant girl. It doesn't get weirder than that.

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(712): View more from Iowa

We need to buy some popsicles so we can remind ourselves we're good at this.

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(607): View more from New York

He texted me for a bootycall at 2:00am so I rolled outta bed and shaved my legs but then he decided he wasn't coming over...he lost his bootycall privileges

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(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

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(720): View more from Colorado

Pretty sure a homeless guy just told me to 'lick his balls clean' because I looked at him.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Sad news: I might have to institute a "once-per-day" policy on getting trashed downtown. Sorry, reputation.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So he told me he wanted to fertilize my caviar. Im avoiding all foreign exchange students from now on.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I just saw someone EAT a flashcard out of frustration. Finals suck.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have never made a good decision in that bathroom...

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(423): View more from Tennessee

just cockblocked my boss's 17 year old son at the Christmas party

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(770): View more from Georgia

He played a tape of his mad rapping skills after the final...his rapper name was Mad Stylz and he rapped about all the pussy he got in the 90's. I love Sociology.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(630): View more from Illinois

I just told my sister I love her. I'm in no condition to drive.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Literally been drinking for 10 hours. Hammered. Roasted chestnuts fell out of my shirt earlier.

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(716): View more from New York

I gave you a 45 minute blowjob. You were inside me for 3 minutes. I'm going to need you to get your shit together.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Shame should no longer be a word in your vocabulary.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

He bought me a pink rose and a Plan B. I really like this guy.

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(928): View more from Arizona

She deep throated me and when I woke up she made me pizza. I was full of emotions I started to cry.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sick of being broke. I had vicodin and frosting for lunch.

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(779): View more from Illinois

should i be impressed or disgusted that i was spitting glow-in-the-dark?

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(626): View more from California

This titty bar has wifi. I just did FaceTime stage side

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(815): View more from Illinois

He introduced himself to me as "the gayest gay who ever gayed." I like him already.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.

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(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

He said "ride me pocahontas" while I was on top of him last night

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(636): View more from Missouri

hey, do you know how many packets of jello it takes to turn a handle of vodka into slutty girls?

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(614): View more from Ohio

I would have rather watched a full length video of myself masturbating than heard that.

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(520): View more from Arizona

He just got home drunk. He ate 5 snack cakes, said Little Debbie's his bitch, went upstairs and fell asleep.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

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(903): View more from Texas

One night stand. Woke up at her dad's house. She already left for work. Shit's about to go down.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

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(404): View more from Georgia

She's good at three things and two of them involve dicks. And other one involves her love for arts

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(954): View more from Florida

I tried calming him down but his eyes are rolling to the back of his head and he's yelling "COMA WEED!"

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(904): View more from Florida

to which he commented "you must really like me on top". I didn't have the heart to tell him that was the only way the room stopped spinning

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(302): View more from Delaware

Holy shit. This 2 year old just told me her nipples were for her boyfriend. Hello future leaders of america

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

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(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

If you're trying to piece together your night, I can tell you where those tassels came from.

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(360): View more from Washington

im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place

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(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

When were having sex he was mumbling some guys name. If he wasn't as hot as he is I'd be concerned.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

it's my sixth sense. If there's an orgy within 20 miles of me i'll know about if. Or be a part of it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

just found $310, wrapped in a rubber band, at the bottom of my sock drawer with a note attached stating, "Make it rain".

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(361): View more from Texas

When I look at old family photos I know how jessica simpson feels when she watches dukes of hazzard

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

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(516): View more from New York

i feel as uncomfortable as your camel toe looks.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Im going home to examine my vagina with a hand mirror. wish me luck.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

and now that ive poetically compared your vagina to a nuclear missile, I hope youre prepared for this date.

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(315): View more from New York

And there I was, sitting Indian style on the kitchen floor, my fingers covered in peanut butter.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just reenacted what a cuntadactyl would act like by putting straws in my mouth as teeth and roaring, Plz come get me.

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(765): View more from Indiana

just tell her a well fed dog doesnt stray far from the porch, and if that doesnt work just keep fucking her sisters

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(210): View more from Texas

I was just counting ceiling tiles when he ate me out, it was that bad.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Waiting outside the STD clinic 30 min before it opens already in a line up. It's like were all waiting for a concert that no ones really pumped for

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

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(415): View more from California

It feels wrong to have dick mouth at a family dinner.

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(937): View more from Ohio

you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters

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(850): View more from Florida

She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I AM OVULATING LIKE A STEAM ENGINE.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He said he had bite marks on his back... Turns out he had to throw me over his shoulder, and I was really reluctant.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

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(312): View more from Illinois

I think im drinking tonight later on...which is good cuz i walked pass the liquor aisle the other day and i swear i heard a kid call me a pussy

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

When the officer tried to stop you, you just shouted your name in his face. repeatedly.

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(786): View more from Florida

And you just kept trying to fit through the dog door and not drop Jello shots.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

its not a holiday until ive ruined the family picture because im drunk

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also you were throwing your phone yelling this is durable as shit

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If i need to get strippers involved i will.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I just drank til 6am then boned a 32 yr old that looks exactly like ET. Oh god.

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(914): View more from New York

We did nothing beneficial to ourselves, or our country last night.

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I turn the corner to find her walking in the front door in a tee-shirt, two different shoes and no pants. All she said to me was "I'm sad"

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

throwing up turkey will be a nice break from throwing up ramen

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(630): View more from Illinois

We are two peas in an std pod

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

No you can't have a vodka redbull. The pilgrims didn't have vodka redbull.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Now they're talking about doing whiskey shots since they're flipping the turkey over. You might need to drive me home.

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(516): View more from New York

Man, jail baloney is awful.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

ill do whatever it takes for me to get more high and eat pie

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(707): View more from California

Rubbed one out while on hold to buy tickets to Disneyland. Feel simultaneously like a freak and strangely productive.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i would one night stand the shit outta him

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(707): View more from California

She opened a beer bottle with her armpit and then gave me a cigarette from the waistband of her underwear. I dont know if I want to be her or marry her.

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(513): View more from Ohio

He woke up, mumbled "silverware", and went back to sleep

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(330): View more from Ohio

If this herpes test comes back negative I'm asking out the doctor.

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(716): View more from New York

its not thanksgiving till you and grandpa shotgun beers out in the shed, and lose

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(707): View more from California

I think it's time we have the "weird fetish" talk.

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(708): View more from Illinois

He fell asleep and they duct taped him to the floor. He's pissed.

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I walked into his room and he was naked with a half eaten pecan pie and a bottle of wine.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He just said "fuck you" to the bowl he's eating things out of

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(850): View more from Florida

I just found pie in my hoodie pocket... This break needs to end.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm leaving my hospital band on when we go drinking tonight. I'm aiming for pity sex.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Honestly, your dog is in better hands with that homeless guy.

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(904): View more from Florida

Family bonfire. I just discovered my cousin drank an entire bottle of champagne at the age of 7. I just got showed up.

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(765): View more from Indiana

It's 4PM and I'm finally awake.. I'm covered in dog fur and shame. I'd say it counts as a good night.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Just saw some guy puking out of the dorm window, its for sure monday

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(416): View more from Toronto

you said you were a responsible adult. then you licked the wall.

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(812): View more from Indiana

there's a picture of him beating off in the library with a cowboy hat. please steer clear of this one if you ever want to be respected.

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(714): View more from California

I am way too high for this. Some guy just keeps talking about music and life goals and he apparently has lived in every city we mention we are going

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I heard a loud ass thump and then I saw both dogs coming around the corner.... Without him. I went to check out what happened and the dogs apparently pulled him down onto his face, knocking him out.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just drive me around campus, I will be able to smell their innocence.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

he kept doing his monologue, "if a vagina could talk."

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

The Swedes wanted a tensome.

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(253): View more from Washington

The liquor store wont accept checks from us anymore.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Definitely almost got hit in the face with a baby

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No, this time she was diabetic. I think I fucked her into diabetic shock.

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(+33): View more from France

Europeans suck. I just gave him head and somehow i am the one paying for the coffee

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(831): View more from California

No more tipping the bathroom attendant with your phone.

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(618): View more from Illinois

she walked in on me snorting my prozac. there was no way to convince her i was doing a good thing.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

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(530): View more from California

The fact that I woke up with my panties on the counter and a piece of pizza stuck in my sheets is what scares me.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Having drunken flash backs of me giving you a piggy back ride. I was like Jesus, and you were my cross. I fell so many times for you. This is true friendship.

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(256): View more from Alabama

do you realize that she was the awkward lesbian in high school and now bangs more girls than probably both of us combined?!

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(716): View more from New York

He's spent his last 3 years working at Urban Outfitters. No, I'm not sad I missed out on a life of mustaches, the dollar menu and shitty scarves.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I think I just tested my sobriety limits for unicycling.

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(954): View more from Florida

I still cannot believe I yelled at every guy at the bar "you wanna get in this clam?!"

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(812): View more from Indiana

ok, she started talking about how she swears her step dad killed her mom. starting to back out of this one

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just mixed vicodin and mucinex. This cold just got fun.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my momz letting me make the christmas card in photoshop

(213): View more from California

so that means christmas in space?

(781): View more from Massachusetts

imma make our dead cats ghosts like obi wan kenobi

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You looked cold, so i decided to make you a blanket out of sticky notes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He picked me up from the airport wearing nothing but a trench coat and a bow on his dick

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You've eaten a Lean Pocket for every meal for at LEAST 3 days now. Get your life in line.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She just ended a sentence with "and he doesn't even mind my herpes..."

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

well at that point we were just fucking to keep warm.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

if your not going to answer your phone this is just going to be an embarrassment tomorrow

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(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

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(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

She tried to lure me back to her house by saying she had "real" pizza.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

of all the people in our graduating class, this is exactly who would get pregnant.

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(937): View more from Ohio

talk of her extensive whoreness has crossed oceans. thats impressive.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Attempting to teach the cat how to shake. I need a job.

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(607): View more from New York

I don't care. I'll be that guy that eats cake in a car. Alone. With the doors locked.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

She's legit crying about wanting more sex. Holy shit.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm wearing boardshorts as underwear to work. This is bachelorhood

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(503): View more from Oregon

well once we started drinking vodka out of wine glasses there was no turning back

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

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(760): View more from California

It was her first time with a girl so I put on my tegan and Sara playlist to really get the full experience.

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(913): View more from Kansas

No its cool I don't even have to do anything he is rapping to one of the strippers. He is punishing himself enough.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I NEED TO NOT REMEMBER THIS IN THE MORNING. He is our TEACHER.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Just checked my recent transactions online. Between the hours of 1 and 3am on September 30th, I went to 7/11 4 times. Unacceptable.

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just so we're on the same page, we cannot have been the first people to have ever thought about shooting that guy with crossbow

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(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Did you get drunk last night? You put Christian lyrics as your fb status again.

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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(678): View more from Georgia

Thank you for the breast cancer awareness themed circle of death. Had it been any other time I would not have played topless.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I'm glad you trust me to be your sex stat keeper.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

every time i recognize a doctor or patient at the hospital on this rotation, i just pray it's not from my blackout saturday makeout slut moments...professionalism shouldn't count on weekends

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(540): View more from Virginia

What would you say if I got first degree burns on my nipples from drinking coffee topless?

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(305): View more from Florida

what the fuck a piece of candy corn just came out of her nose

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(480): View more from Arizona

Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

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(734): View more from Michigan

What's the second line of that rhyme that starts "Vicodin before scotch...?"

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(773): View more from Illinois

The guy is drinking 5 bottles of beer in a juice pitcher. Fucking amazing.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(314): View more from Missouri

every time i wear that dress i get kicked out of a bar.

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(740): View more from Ohio

It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Calling yourself a modern day Geisha doesn't justify being a whore.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(214): View more from Texas

We already established this. No, he did not cum on the dog.

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(254): View more from Texas

In retrospect pumpkin carving while drinking Patron was a bad idea.

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(682): View more from Texas

There is a clear recurring theme of me having sex in restrooms that really needs to stops

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(512): View more from Texas

he said i give him, and i quote, "emotional blue balls"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Mattress luging...It's a long story.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

It took me four clicks to get to 2009 on his profile. This can't work.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(416): View more from Toronto

I have a page in my 2010 scrapbook dedicated to pictures of his cock.

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(705): View more from Ontario

From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Will you come get her? She's trying to get the pizza guy into the bathtub.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(561): View more from Florida

I remember seeing LSAT prep books and thinking "Whose room is this? I should be hooking up with them instead."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(210): View more from Texas

he kept saying "mind over matter" as he fucked me

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he obviously didn't care that i was sleeping and dreaming about ellen degeneres knitting me a christmas sweater.

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(972): View more from Texas

I told her that I thought she needed an oral mammogram. With me being pre-med she bought it.

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(949): View more from California

i dodnt think we hooked up bcause he actually texted me the next day

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

All I'm saying is that she needs to invest in some razors. But her head game is great. The pros and cons in last minute hook-ups

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(440): View more from Ohio

well at least you didnt have sex with him. i feel like a proud mother. you always have sex with them.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She carries her pencils in a crown royal bag... Need I say more?

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(914): View more from New York

I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Day 8 of being sober: Sniffed an empty beer bottle at a restaurent and almost licked it. This is not working

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

you can't just make up for the fact that you broke up with me by tagging yourelf in my embarrassing facebook videos of you

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(224): View more from Illinois

someone lit off fireworks while I puked in the street. I was like congratulating me for making it through homecoming.

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant text you anymore tonight, God gave me two hands for two cups

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(208): View more from Idaho

Question. Will thrown up fruit loops go down the shower drain?

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just bought 4 bottles of wine in sweats at 530 on a monday night. Fuck law school

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(213): View more from California

Real friends wouldn't let me shotgun a 4loko after already seeing me trying to eat a girl out through her jeans.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't know at least half of his name. I have officially become a statistic.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(718): View more from New York

you are getting stockholm syndrome from your pubes

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(904): View more from Florida

now were playing what girl doesnt belong in the picture of girls in bikinis.

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(352): View more from Florida

My google history shows every combination of "red lobster cheesy biscuits" possible.

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

It's a good deal. He teaches me how to longboard, then we have sex

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(408): View more from California

Definitely just blazed with the housekeeper. That woman needs a raise

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(807): View more from Ontario

he actually said the words "do you want to pet the lizard?" with a straight face as he unzipped his pants

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(951): View more from California

Dude i thought about you literally the second after I came. This friendship is starting to cross some serious boundaries

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Just got Netflix. Dexter Marathon. Still in my PJ's. Only eaten cookie dough and drinking a 40. I have never reeked so strongly of lonely .

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(410): View more from Maryland

260 beers this month. I need a new hobby.

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(216): View more from Ohio

We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong

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(734): View more from Michigan

So i know you wont get this until you land, but if i'm late its cause i was having sex. being blunt and hope that explains things.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(206): View more from Washington

and then they started calling me 'Shitshow Shandra', which apparently i took as a compliment.

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(210): View more from Texas

no seriously, she's legit pissed i'm late to lunch because i was watching full house. there's obviously no future here.

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(253): View more from Washington

That's what happens when you park you car under a perfectly good balchony I can puke off of

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(541): View more from Oregon

I feel like tequila heightens the sense of my nipples.

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(561): View more from Florida

i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.

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(516): View more from New York

she wanted to watch hairspray while we fucked. she's obviously your kinda girl, dude.

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(516): View more from New York

I just discovered cum stains from two different guys on my wall. I don't know whether to be proud or horrified.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

please don't go to jail. I'd hate to have to call the montgomery county jail every time I need sex advice

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(270): View more from Kentucky

I made popcorn. Partly so the room doesn't smell like sex, and partly to apologize for the things you saw when you walked in...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Very nice. It looks like a Fisher-Price My First Dildo, but still very nice.

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(587): View more from Alberta

She compares her life to Teen Mom. She's 28.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He left his umbrella behind in my bed to 'keep me company', then stole my front door key before he went to work

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Beer bonged 7 shots of Jameson. I title this night short stories with tragic endings.

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(410): View more from Maryland

she wouldn't stop crying, so we sang her to sleep. i'm guessing you will find her in the same position by the toilet in the morning. night.

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(312): View more from Illinois

Its that time of week again, Bad life decision wednesday

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(469): View more from Texas

The bar posted my picture because my name changes with each new fake i get. i'm getting a wig.

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(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

At least they aren't charging us for the broken diving board...

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

either i blacked out mid-sex but remember the beginning and end, or he really only lasted a couple of minutes

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Dubbing lion king over planet earth. That stoned.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.

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(760): View more from California

double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

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(903): View more from Texas

I hope, cuz I was gunna get "celebritory drunk" but now I have to get "I'm disappointed drunk"

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

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(404): View more from Georgia

What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I made a drinking game out of watching your DUI video, everytime you say " okay, well thats just your opinion"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

When you started Hi-fiving people I knew u were fucking gone. You slapped some dude on the shoulder when he wouldn't hi-five you and he asked if he even knew you

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(567): View more from Ohio

i think there mostly mad about the fact it was 6 pm not the fact i blew a .255

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(713): View more from Texas

So it turns out my dad calls his penis "John" which means he either named me after his penis or his penis after me

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(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(805): View more from California

You kept saying "sir officer" which would have been polite and helped you if it wasn't a female. She was pissed.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Jessi just used the excuse "it's not you it's me" to get out of getting a lap dance.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately woke up with a girl trying to snort cocaine off my dick.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He tried to say the picture wasn't him. Like I'd forget his curved boner.

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(562): View more from California

Well look at it this way, if he should happen to get into a terrible accident within the next 2 days, its okay.. i have his dental records on my ass cheek.

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(914): View more from New York

Having skype sex with him in the lounge at 1:45am...THIS IS WHAT HE DOES TO ME

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(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Your dad's facebook is ejaculating midlife crisis all over my minifeed

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(281): View more from Texas

Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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(315): View more from New York

MY DOG FOUND A BAG OF COKE ON THE SIDE OF THE ROAD!!!!!!!!!!!

(315): View more from New York

AND ITS GOOD STUFF TOO!!!!!! AHHH!!!!!!

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(210): View more from Texas

Alright, so what's my next move? I already posted a Milli Vanilli video on her wall

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(775): View more from Nevada

Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.

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(661): View more from California

When he went down on me, I saw his bald spot... It completely ruined the experience

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(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently in gay bars the restroom signs are just a formality. Its a free for all in there

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(318): View more from Louisiana

He offered me a 30 pack if I don't bring her to the party. Am I a bad friend If I take his offer?

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I've come to realize that after waking up this morning for work no one wins in bar dice.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

how many americans can say they have been laid before eating their first big mac?

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.

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(503): View more from Oregon

well when mom kept referring to my "black hole of a vagina" and how i devoured all the nuts at the party like i was a pro, i figured my stay was up.

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(406): View more from Montana

Im drinking a large pickle jar full of Emergency, water and left over pickle juice and I dont care.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That haircut screams I'm 35 but I still eat pussy.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke up with a random mailbox in my room with a note that said "this should probably be returned. Happy Thursday!"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(770): View more from Georgia

he/she has shaved legs and makeup on. but a spare tire stomach, high socks with high heels...a wig and glasses. and still talked like a man. it was a nightmare scenario

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(734): View more from Michigan

Pre-game strategy: play thunder by yourself in the shower. Surprisingly, success.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You were pretty committed to that cat costume. Between pukes, you would meow and assure people that you just had a hairball you couldn't get out...

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

May have caused an international incident. More details after we taxi in.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just won unlimited hot dogs for life. I'm so glad I smoked

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(719): View more from Colorado

He was waring a speedo fashioned out of american flag bandanas and when he got hard he said "you're such a patriot...raising the american flag like that"

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(914): View more from New York

So I've been to the library twice so far. Both times were for the atm, and once I was stoned. Junior year is going great.

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(518): View more from New York

i asked if you wanted help changing your sheets after you threw up in bed. you politely declined. i take no responsibility after that.

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(713): View more from Texas

After having to meet his mom half naked, running into the tree in front of her didn't seem so bad.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Just saw a woman in a hospital gown with a Steelers jersey on top smoking a cigarette while hooked up to an IV outside of the hospital. I love Pittsburgh.

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(406): View more from Montana

I kept pulling the $1 bills off the stage and told everyone "no no no she has to work for this money"

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just checked an empty cooler on the flight to Notre Dame. You don't have to tell me you're jealous, I already know.

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(315): View more from New York

I can hear the condescending tone from the atm when it asks if $3 is all I would like to deposit

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(513): View more from Ohio

The door to door salesmen do not expect you to be drunk at 3 in the afternoon

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(803): View more from South Carolina

i cant cry in cvs. not again.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

He has crabs, not bed bugs. I recommend incoporating a clinic on this mornings walk of shame route.

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(716): View more from New York

Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting

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(419): View more from Ohio

He just walked in our room casually and said "big girls are hungry"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

When the cops came you just told them you'd go to your time out corner.

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(703): View more from Virginia

i remember introducing him to all my posters and making him be extra nice to frank sinatra and bob dylan before he fucked me

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(425): View more from Washington

This guy just showed us his webbed feet to prove that his son was actually his son

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(404): View more from Georgia

What a whore. She reminds me of that asian guy who can eat all the hotdogs.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(440): View more from Ohio

As I was driving her home she congratulated each and every deer we saw for making it through the first day of dear season.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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(540): View more from Virginia

there's just a random girl here singing about how much she loves fiber

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(713): View more from Texas

He showed up to fuck me at the same time the pizza guy did. It was like everything I needed just showed up at my stoop.

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(587): View more from Alberta

the only sentence i could make out from her was "i will wash these herpes away"

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I've never had a better reason to do blow of a Pittsburgh strippers ass than to try and keep pace with my dad.

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(260): View more from Indiana

How long can I microwave pasta with a 20 percent alcohol content?

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(315): View more from New York

and she was grinding on the wall, purring at guys she liked at the pregame...

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just ran into my gynecologist at the liquor store... i think she's found the source of my problems

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You are writing your college essay comparing yourself to Lady Gaga, Vladimir Putin, and Dale Earnhardt Jr. and you are worried about the conclusion sounding cheesy?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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(647): View more from Ontario

Apparently she held up my head the entire 40 minutes, convincing the cab driver that I was okay

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i just opened a seperate checking account to keep track of how much i make and spend on our keggers

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(856): View more from New Jersey

there's no food at this bar, but i'm pretty sure vodka is made of wheat so i'm basically drinking bread.

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to shower sitting down. i hope this isn't an indicator of how the rest of my week is going to go.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm the only adult here not drinking and their 2 year old daughter is trying to play dolls with me.. I've never been so demoralized in my life.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't know, but I don't want you to think its ok to show up at my house at 4 am with a gorilla suit and a bucket of pinnapple and think id be ok with it

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(201): View more from New Jersey

They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I lost my phone so I put sticky notes all over my roommates body asking her to wake me up at 7:00 AM.

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(+61): View more from Australia

She keeps stunt undies in her bag, 2 sizes too small. She leaves them behind so the guy thinks he was luckier than he was...

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

she played "i just wanna get married" by jagged edge while we were having sex. why cant i avoid stage 5 clingers

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just had a Brazilian done for this guy. He's getting first-date sex whether he wants it or not.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(509): View more from Washington

You seriously looked at the house acorss the street and implied that you thought they had nice Easters.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

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(925): View more from California

These people keep looking at me like I'm the first person to ever eat ribs in a Home Depot.

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(850): View more from Florida

I want to see you in more than a weed delivering capacity

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Also, just saw a kid in a gorilla costume being questioned by a boardwalk cop. I love ocean city.

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

Next thing I know we're all standing in the kitchen holding hands and thanking God for the beer.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Blonde 1 is sitting on the floor crying and blonde 2 is asleep with her face in the toilet. This isn't what I had in mind when they asked me back

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(773): View more from Illinois

literally the only thing you kept saying was "i wish i had a beer keg vending machine that accepted hugs as payment" and everytime you said it you rubbed the urn her grandmother's remains were in

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(407): View more from Florida

She even gives head with a lisp.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(818): View more from California

Judging by her face, I'd say she's at least dabbled with meth...

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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up to ritz crackers on the lawn, a keystone behind the hedge and puke on the rental car... i think that we have become that house...

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

cat food counts as protein by the way

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(954): View more from Florida

Note to self not a good idea to try and make out with a girl when she's crying over her boyfriend

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(518): View more from New York

so i had a dream that andrew cuomo ate me out. guess who i'm voting for?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just got a high school volleyball teams practice cancelled because I slept with the head coach through their practice time.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(903): View more from Texas

He jacked off on my pillow when he found out I left. It was like coming home and finding that your dog, with separation anxiety, had pooped in your shoes. I think I'm flattered...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I just remember her telling me "Hi, my names Kaissa and I'm a lesbian" over and over and over and over again as I was crying.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just gave a drunken 7 minute speech on how to make the perfect grilled cheese. he explained types of butter and cheeses....i think i love him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

We're learning about the color wheel. Hello college.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Legitimately semi-blackout across the table from the governor off a chardonnay i can't even pronounce.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

You're barking up the wrong lesbian.

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(443): View more from Maryland

In the middle of switching positions, we shared a line of coke. It's was like a modern-day 'Lady and the Tramp.'

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Handjob with gloves on results in friction burn. In case you've ever wondered

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(740): View more from Ohio

i've met an abundance of virgins and guys who where flip flops, i thinks there's a correlation

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(703): View more from Virginia

She refered to her bed as the "cockpit"....I understand that this morning.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If theres one good thing that came out of our relationship its this chicken recipe. And squirting.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(973): View more from New Jersey

her idea of "friends with benefits" is her doing my laundry. i'm cool with it.

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(817): View more from Texas

All I remember is holding on to the elevator asking it politely to stop spinning

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(212): View more from New York

The taxi driver was cool until you left. He then started blasting enya and telling me I look like I need another line.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back

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(224): View more from Illinois

Look what our sorority has done to us...we're hitting on girls in hopes of getting an awesome little.

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(703): View more from Virginia

He had a seizure when i was giving him head. for a second i was thinking i was doing a spectacular job

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, be my cock's hype man.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(248): View more from Michigan

She had to leave early so she could get ready for her high school's homecoming. I hope her date likes sloppy seconds.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just made nachos out of string cheese and sunchips and laying in my bed watching babay einstion..get on my level

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(307): View more from Wyoming

He let me keep his flannel as a "good job" for the great head I gave him.

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(206): View more from Washington

That's why there are breakfast margaritas.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I passed out leaning next to a light pole. When the cop woke me up at 4 AM, I told him I was a block away from the apt, just had to stop to make a puke pit stop.

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(650): View more from California

i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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(513): View more from Ohio

successfully started a charcoal grill with 2 shots of everclear and some aluminum foil. i never wanna leave here

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

He painted his chest for the game... I just fucked an exclamation point.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(646): View more from New York

He just did blow off my nipples. He's not serious about his girlfriend.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(206): View more from Washington

I want to spend time with you, and by time, I mean real time. Not your dick in my mouth time.

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(+66): View more from Thailand

A monkey stole my iPod. This was not in the fucking study abroad brochure

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(317): View more from Indiana

update: last drink of the night and im naked in my porch hammock. life is good.

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Someone wrote Kyle's bitch on me too. I dont even know who Kyle is.

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(630): View more from Illinois

nothing like walking down the street with a garbage bag of puke trying to find a dumpster

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(801): View more from Utah

that blow job was not worth the clinginess that will follow

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him

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(216): View more from Ohio

Thats the last thing I remember and then I woke up in this Dutch kids dorm and he was taking a picture of me while I was sleeping

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(630): View more from Illinois

It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this morning your mother said to me "sorry to have to meet you like this, in my sons bed" later she said "you never know whos gonna be in there. its scary sometimes"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I swear to god he's a one man village people.

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(213): View more from California

dinner is belligerent. she just poured the rest of the pitcher of margaritas into a take home box. people are staring.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(802): View more from Vermont

he somehow instantly knew i was from vermont.

(1-802): View more from Vermont

it probably had something to do with chasing your soco with maply syrup.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(303): View more from Colorado

It was everywhere, it looked like he just took the leftovers and threw them around the bathroom... Festively...

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(206): View more from Washington

i just got yelled at for having sex. this sorority thing is worst than being at home. at least at home they think im still a virgin

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Bad news. Pictures just stimulated my memory and i just realized the stripper I hooked up with this weekend tasted like pizza.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.

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(815): View more from Illinois

New policy: when a woman uses the word blowjob in a sentence within 5 minutes of meeting her, you buy her a drink.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She woke up with blood running down her face and asked the EMS guy where the keg was

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(303): View more from Colorado

this blows. i told the guy at the bar that i was the DD and it was like i just announced over megaphone that i had genital herpes. no one will talk to me now.

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(228): View more from Mississippi

For once I'd like to have a Taco Sunday without having some random drunk chick flee my house half naked and in tears.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I miss waking up, opening the closet downstairs, and finding you inside passed out.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

In the hospital waiting to be tested for the first uti of the school year....I'm BACK BTICHES.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

By the way, turns out "Danny B" is his penis. Not his cousin. I was right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Just spent the last three hours in the library successfully refreshing facebook

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You guys tried to boil water to fill up the empty hot tub. After the fourth trip back with the kettle you gave up.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

nothing says "we're all in this together" like the herpes she passed around to our entire group of friends

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(239): View more from Florida

Wait, how is it that I'm just getting ready to go out and you're already showing your penis to freshmen girls?

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(705): View more from Ontario

i just ran into my boss at the liquor store. we didnt exchange words, just nodded in mutual understanding.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm eating cereal out of the pocket of my flannel right now

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just used your umbrella as a puke sheild. Thanks man.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

There's a 24 hour period after giving head where you can't eat penis shaped food without me laughing at you

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(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I opened my door to go to class and all there was was a raccoon puking on the doorstep. In hindsight, it was a very accurate omen.

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(214): View more from Texas

I asked her if she was the outdoorsy type, she replied "I had sex on a fourwheeler once, does that count?"

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(613): View more from Ontario

You kept asking who was the good cop and who was the bad cop, you said you only wanted to talk to the good one

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(917): View more from New York City

the australian girl literally just drank an entire pitcher of beer in about twenty seconds. i want to go to there.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Dude my triple a card is good for bail. This is like a real live get out of jail free card

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You walked in with a firecracker and a doughnut then demonstrated what a lazy job he did fucking you

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(713): View more from Texas

I mean we've tried to get high on nutmeg, we clearly dont know the definition of "too far"

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I just taped a plastic bag to my ceiling for the next time I have to throw up on the top bunk. Why am I so good at college?

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

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(209): View more from California

She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever put the tambourine in the dryer is a douche. Worst hangover wakeup ever

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(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(480): View more from Arizona

I think this baby is eyeing my beer

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I legitimately sent him a storybook of naked pictures.

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

We had sex after spending two hours in the drunk tank. It was really deep and meaningful

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(410): View more from Maryland

i do some of my deepest thinking on my wednesday morning walks of shame

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(904): View more from Florida

I don't have a choice really. It's either lose 15 lbs by Halloween, or I'm going as a giant banana.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i really should have bought real food rather than condoms, olives, coleslaw and beer...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres also beggin' strips and a dog bone in the corner...nooo signs of there being a dog though.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

lesson learned: don't narrate out loud about how a girl is giving you head while she's doing it

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(517): View more from Michigan

I mean, there was frosting being put on a tunafish sandwich. Pretty sure she knew we were high.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i dont feel like going...you don't know how much work goes into getting my whore on

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(240): View more from Maryland

I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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(720): View more from Colorado

You held your own hair and threw up into a red cup...I think they were more amazed than upset.

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(804): View more from Virginia

Some drunk couple just made out on the sidewalk and it reminded me some sweet moments we have shared...

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(720): View more from Colorado

When she e-mailed me back asking for proof, complete with hospital intake records, I just told her it was a home-birth. I'm prepared to take the fail.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I just fell down the stairs in the library and further deviated my septum. That's why I don't study.

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(415): View more from California

He is offering to pay me back by sending me a dick pic.

(650): View more from California

.......................................

(415): View more from California

My thoughts exactly.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.

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(661): View more from California

I don't think I own any pants that haven't seen his bedroom floor anymore...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(916): View more from California

It was an awkward 3some. I took her from behind while he just made out with her.

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(516): View more from New York

making your facebook status TEQUILA is like basically saying "im easy tonight. feel free to take advantage"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just dont think you can meet a stranger after youve heard them cum through the walls though

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(513): View more from Ohio

thats what you get for writing a paper after liquor pitchers

(440): View more from Ohio

its only a rough draft.

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She gave me a BJ with my hoodie on. it was like i was blowing myself.

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(819): View more from Quebec

He was spoon feeding me wine all night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I brought up my Bobbly Flay drinking game in the interview. Of course I got the job.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i thought they made a 7-hour walmart run, but they were actually in jail.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(706): View more from Georgia

She's a squirter....that makes up for lots of other annoying things

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(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(408): View more from California

He's got a pretty small dick but he's a total sweetheart. I'm gonna buy a new dildo and just deal with it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

She just kept tellin me God was coming back and he was leavin her with a bag of stale doritoes and shitty friends.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(510): View more from California

Have you ever straight up just taken a bite out of a block of cheese? Because it's amazing.

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(802): View more from Vermont

there's a wings menu taped to my wall. don't tell me i don't have my priorities straight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

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(845): View more from New York

no. you're not making a beach trip out of my abortion.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I can't believe im sexting my roommate. This is really what my life has come to

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Also, I'm sewing my entire Halloween costume by hand. I better get laid at every single party I go to.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I wish I still had pics from the prostitute I paid/dated

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is a whole other level of drinking. Like the I used to eat paste with these people kinda drinking.

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(813): View more from Florida

i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Guess which guy you've blown just made me sandwich at subway?

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I puked in the coffee maker. I wouldn't make coffee tomorrow morning if I were you

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(712): View more from Iowa

He woke up next to me, said I "wasn't naked enough" and fell back asleep. I proceeded to blow him.

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(813): View more from Florida

There's a difference between southern and inbred. She just doesn't know that yet.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

This is so stupid. Now I have to call the party planner and tell her that the break up party is off. They decided to get back together.

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(719): View more from Colorado

we where pretty evenly matched until he threw me through that wall

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He was eating her out on the elevator. What a good man.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

How can I look at her with a straight face when she has dry puke on her eye lid

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Every time I remember you're bi, the world gets a little brighter.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

No she hasen't showed up to my place yet, last I heard she was puking as she was walking without stopping near the park.

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(514): View more from Quebec

I have some memory of taking a dump in a guitar case.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You were competing with my dog to see who had the stronger bark....

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(718): View more from New York

He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.

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(330): View more from Ohio

we did it on the golf course and he threw the condom in the pond. some poor fish is gonna choke on it

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(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

im eating kix cereal and taking shots by myself. please come hang out with me. im desperate

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(386): View more from Florida

Also, I just saw a woman change into her stripper outfit in the bathroom at Target.

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(818): View more from California

Oh it's happening. I'm Chugging a beer while sitting next to a 6 year old

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(719): View more from Colorado

You threw a hot dog at his face...I wouldn't call you either.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Turned the water balloon filler into a jungle juice fire extinguisher. Please call me tomorrow afternoon and make sure that i'm still alive.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

They just both started mumbling "i cant go home like this" "it's all over my face" "do you have extra pants?"

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

In the middle of fucking me, she said "Hold on, I need my Hulk hands."

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(847): View more from Illinois

Also I feel like 60% of our relationship is based on sausage mcmuffins.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He was on Keeping Up with the Kardashians it was like a deed from god to bang him

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(210): View more from Texas

I drunk madeout with my mom last night. it's guna be an awkward breakfast.

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(343): View more from Ontario

I'd like to personally thank you for not letting anyone puke in any of the salad bowls this time

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Soup is not an acceptable meal before doing that many Jager bombs

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(214): View more from Texas

i licked the inside of a toilet bowl for $14. i really can't talk about my night.

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(313): View more from Michigan

tried to order jimmy johns from the ER last night, the nurses did nottt approve

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(519): View more from Ontario

Correct me if I'm wrong, but I did not stop moving last night. If tequila gives me that extra push to have an active lifestyle, so be it.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm sober enough to realize she looks like a man, but drunk enough to do it anyways

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just found blacked-out interviews on my voice recorder. Go journalism.

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(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was relieved after I found the unopened condom in my pocket. Then I found the open one in the other pocket..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I don't remember. I think I elluded to the fact that I would buy him a dildo for his birthday.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

My dad walked in on me masturbating in my own apartment.....my own apartment!!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I walked downstairs and he was standing in nothing but his boxers with his dick hanging out warming up eggs in the microwave.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

creepy tank top guy is at campus health. he's hitting on a girl recovering from a panic attack.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I think she just stepped in a piece of mac and cheese, picked it off the bottom of her foot and ate it.

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(954): View more from Florida

He fell asleep in the strip club and they paid some stripper $20 to sit on his face until he woke up.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone left a beer in front of your door...there's a note with it that says "peace offering"

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(773): View more from Illinois

Today's face brought to you by last night's make-up.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Putting the night light in my bathroom cabinet was the best idea ever. Awesome for puking while light sensitive

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(850): View more from Florida

I know i'm the slutty cousin, but be honest. have you ever got your nose ring caught on a guy's zipper?

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(503): View more from Oregon

There is tupperware vodka. thats right tupperwares full of vodka. best leftovers ever

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(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

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(713): View more from Texas

I went back up to the apartment to get her phone and when I came back she was peeing on the sidewalk

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(318): View more from Louisiana

No matter what you may say to me. You will still be the guy that managed to get his own cum in his hair.

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(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

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(850): View more from Florida

"Students using Axe body spray to light selves on fire" is a real headline from a real newspaper. WHY AREN'T WE DOING THIS RIGHT NOW?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

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(770): View more from Georgia

He tried to make eye contact, he should know by now that freaks me out

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i made potato chips in weed oil. what did you do today?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I got head to The Nanny. Officially gay.

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(206): View more from Washington

How do I tactfully ask if the neighbors downstairs can hear me beating it?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

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(707): View more from California

Your the only friend that would realize I'm gonna get drunk and send coke to me at a bar before I made drunken phone calls for it. You sir complete me.....

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just mixed my liver cleanse with Bacardi. Best. Thing. Ever.

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(909): View more from California

Do you think flip cup during wine tasting is a bad idea? They're perfect flipping cups...

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

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(949): View more from California

you humped every kiosk in the store. then you asked for an application.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(813): View more from Florida

Her face was so far in my boobs, I didn't think she'd make it out. She took it like a man. She's a real trooper.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

the only thing i remember last nigh is talking to some chick for thirty minutes about cheese.

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(661): View more from California

It's like the only way I know how to apologize is by giving a blow job.

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(417): View more from Missouri

You totally left a blue butt print on our banister

(573): View more from Missouri

Well I think we can all agree that that's better than then bowl of puke I left last time.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Just kicked a guy in his penis in order to win a dance contest on Bourbon....desperate.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like we're taking advantage of the fact that our R.A has cerebal palsey.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think that's the first time i've seen 'you look like an ugly version of my ex' work as a pickup line

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I jerked off enough times today to safely commit to the fact that im not getting laid tonight

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(607): View more from New York

he sounded really stupid. it was like his puke had a stutter, too.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Moral of the story: don't get pregs or your chances in the beer league are over

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

He came up to me muttering about the pills on the bathroom floor... I found him an hour and a half later trying to take naked photos of himself with an alarm clock...

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(281): View more from Texas

His bond is $50,000..margarita Monday might get cancelled

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(256): View more from Alabama

Don't say that out loud. People might think I really like to pee on you.

(228): View more from Mississippi

Of course you don't like it. I am the one who likes it.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I just noticed that my shirt smells like coffee after eating out a Barista

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I've already come up with two plans that will probably end with me getting kicked out of here. You guys should come faster.

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(478): View more from Georgia

There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(301): View more from Maryland

If I was there, I'd make you a vicodin spiked sandwich.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms

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(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I got spanked with a cardboard tube. Apparently he used to be a percussionist. Who favored marching band tunes. It was weird.

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(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

he just kept saying "come on iron man, you can do this!" to himself the whole time..

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He just stabbed two olives and a pickle with a fork and deep throated it in front of my family

(812): View more from Indiana

Not even marginally surprised

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he bit the head off a dead goose for 5 beers. this is my future boyfriend.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking wine out of an empty soup can and watching spongebob squarepants.. I eveb hate myself

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(714): View more from California

He nailed 50 frozen hamburgers to the ceiling last night. Now there are flies every where.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I just ate nachos topless with a fork. Live with meeee

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(636): View more from Missouri

The foreigner finally woke up and the first thing he did was look up a map of the u.s. His destination is to pennsylvania.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

And as far as being fat goes I just did like 20 minutes of p90x and now i'm eating frosting out of the container....

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

She kept saying my hands are a cupcake factory

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(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

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(276): View more from Virginia

I don't think he understands what an important role his penis plays in my level of self esteem

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(806): View more from Texas

I stumbled into my living room at 4 a.m. to find him hurling my laptop across the room and his pants around his ankles. Clearly his night didn't go as planned.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

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(206): View more from Washington

I'm either watching Fifth Element or Hotel Rwanda. There's black people and white people and high life tall boy 18 packs are $11.99 so I could be watching my own hand. I have no idea.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized that im half way to my goal of puking in every single toilet on our floor

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(713): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I miss summer or 5 times a day sex more.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Bring my lunch to work in liquor store bags is doing nothing for my career

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(954): View more from Florida

Now there are two cop cars. If I go to jail I just would like to thank you for making me wear boxers.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I swear I could audibly hear her vagina slam shut when you walked up to hit on her.

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(818): View more from California

It was literally me in an evening gown and him in a tux with six bottles of Vodka at Jons.

(1-818): View more from California

And this was for your brother's Christening?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm still trying to decide if it's a complement when he said "I'd like to subscribe to your daddy issues".

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(616): View more from Michigan

the higher we get, the more he looks like ray charles.

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(443): View more from Maryland

At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(207): View more from Maine

You said your dick dragged you up the stairs

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

At CVS buying just condoms. The guy behind me is buying just hotdog buns. There was a silent moment of understanding between us.

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(913): View more from Kansas

high. he's playing 'oops i did it again' on the ukelele. is this real life?

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

it'll be like the batcave but for manwhores

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm going to email her once I get off the bathroom floor

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just bought a disco ball for 5 dollars, of course we're drinking tonight.

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(219): View more from Indiana

surprisingly enough, it isn't that uncomfortable to have sex with a heart monitor on

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(883): View more from

I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet

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(309): View more from Illinois

The "puke-towel" started to grow something...

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(954): View more from Florida

I'm slowing backing away from her. I tried breaking up with her and it felt like I was clubbing baby seals.

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(740): View more from Ohio

he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

You made a list of reasons why you should be on fear factor. You came up with 2 reasons: "I like fear" and "I am fear"

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(712): View more from Iowa

i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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(314): View more from Missouri

The family from the blindsided came and talked to us last night. The dad owns 68 taco bells. You would have been so inspired

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(631): View more from New York

ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Great News, you CAN smoke bowls with a magnifying glass

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him I don't date guys unless they play a musical instrument. So, he's here and he brought a kazoo.

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(480): View more from Arizona

There's a sign at Bashas for 30% off of 6 bottles of wine in Friday. That seems like a personal challenge.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

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(917): View more from New York City

well what she called a "work function" most people call "doing shots with your boss while people throw napkins at you."

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(513): View more from Ohio

And I know a few people wouldnt want to even be around high people. Which is sad. But jet packs are cool.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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(917): View more from New York City

He kept yelling "osteoporosis" and threw milk at her because she broke her arm.

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(509): View more from Washington

My little brother got home at 4am too, we drunk ate together. It was a kodak moment.

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

All I know is I had a penis in one hand a bottle of wine in the other

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(678): View more from Georgia

Before he took off his pants he paused and said, "Remember..sometimes great things come in small packages."

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(763): View more from Minnesota

He has a tattoo of a carebear. This is not happening.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(254): View more from Texas

He's Hawaiian. Thank god it wasnt a real American

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(785): View more from Kansas

I love how kegs are figured into our monthly bills

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(754): View more from Florida

I Apparently saved a picture of the Eiffel tower in between 2 pics of his dick. It appears to be the same size. I fucking love Paris.

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(909): View more from California

He was supposed to take me to a nice dinner, but istead all he did was get drunk and throw lit fireworks at me.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(516): View more from New York

He's prob getting laid right now and I'm sitting alone in my duct tape shoes.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You told the waitress last night "What tip bracket do I have to be in to see your boobs"

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(419): View more from Ohio

The tornado sirens were going off and everyone just ran to the liquor store. .

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(906): View more from Michigan

Is puking blood really that bad of a sign? Can we pretend this is okay?

(1-906): View more from Michigan

It's okay.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I was sleeping on the bathroom floor and thought a wet towel might keep me warm.

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(251): View more from Alabama

You better drive. If I decide to let them talk me into a 3-way, I don't want you to be stranded.

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

he asked me to hangout with him...and his son

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

a price tag just fell out of my vag. i guess its worth $13.99...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(773): View more from Illinois

After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

he offered to walk down from the bar this morning to my house and bring me a guinness...

(413): View more from Massachusetts

how romantic. its the irish mans version of flowers

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She was holding a turtle doing a beer bong out of a flower watering can.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude its 315 and I'm sitting here eating slices of cheese. Don't talk to me about tomorrow.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(636): View more from Missouri

maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Last night she showed me how to clean my bowl and now she's drunk making peanut butter filled cookies. Best. Roommate. Ever.

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(305): View more from Florida

look, i dont wanna be "that girl" but if someone offers me coke in exchange for sex, i cant say no.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really wanna punch him. Right in his cell-phone-sized penis

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just found a "how to get laid" book on the dresser and am now a victim of method number 16 corollary 7.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sunday was the 8 month anniversary when you shot me in the face...just an FYI.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He just made a mudslide using rubinoff and swiss miss packets. This can't end well....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Was I wearing clothes when I handed you your keys. Please tell me I was wearing clothes.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

not to mention it took an hour of antique roadshow to calm my dick down

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(805): View more from California

my roomates packed me a lunch. it had bread, cheesewiz, a can of refried beans and a condom with a note that said "good luck on your first day". im not even gonna pretend to be mad.

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(718): View more from New York

it's sad when i round the corner and the dog goes directly for the liquor store

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(706): View more from Georgia

This is the guy who showed up to the first day of class with a 24 pack of coke and a handle of rum in his backpack. He doesnt play by normal people rules.

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(906): View more from Michigan

If she doesnt understand your inherent need to teabag an emo chick, do you really want to be with her?

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(727): View more from Florida

he has been on a 2 week bender, has been homeless for a week and a half, and leaves for madagascar in 2 days. Do we worry or is that normal?

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(850): View more from Florida

my boss made my mugshot into an 'employee of the month' poster.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Dude you has no fucking this poptart

(719): View more from Colorado

What?

(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont know to explain this.

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

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(480): View more from Arizona

New game: find the sober person in Tbell

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i like him when i'm sober AND when i'm drunk.i've been searching for this my whole life

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(916): View more from California

Just saw a woman walking a golden retriever and a vacuum down the road. I miss downtown.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So after tequila Thursday, Jess broke her arm table dancing. Now her and Andrew look like the perfect drunk couple, matching casts and all.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

a guy tried paying for lapdances with cds, who uses those anymore?

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm probably the first guy in history to tap out of a blowjob.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You made a "martini" bagel. Took a bagel dunked it in vodka and put olives in it

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I just asked the dr if it was herpes while wearing my shirt from the strip club...

(1-479): View more from Arkansas

I told you to stay away from the strippers in Oklahoma

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(513): View more from Ohio

We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I'm customer of the month for a 3rd time now at the Wine store. I've achieved so much in my life

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

chlamydia ends and my period begins. this isnt real life

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Well, she opened the door to puke outside the car, but she threw it open so hard it popped back and hit her in the face.

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(229): View more from Georgia

He was streaking. We were hammered. We had roman candles. It only made sense to shoot them at him.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm sitting the next couple hours out. Puking in a potted plant really put shit into perspective for me.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

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(516): View more from New York

the protein jug says add 2 scoops to your favorite beverage. guess who just found a way to make sam adams healthy? THIS GUY

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(647): View more from Ontario

We need somewhere to take these girls. Otherwise it's a orgy in the Mazda.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

There's three frat guys comparing how you were in bed. apparently you have gotten worse with time

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(917): View more from New York City

she was sobbing drunk in the backseat about her dead cat and how the guy in the front seat didn't want to hook up with her

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I gave him a handjob and now we aren't friends anymore

(209): View more from California

You're at Notre Dame. What did you expect?

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach

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(813): View more from Florida

Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

And to think..we used to do everything sober...

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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(904): View more from Florida

I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion

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(440): View more from Ohio

Too long to explain. Basically I started an electircal fire. No one was hurt except for a box of cereal near the outlet.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

whenever he goes down on me he looks at me and I just want to poke him in the eyes

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(404): View more from Georgia

She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(310): View more from California

Obama is so hot when he ends wars.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My dinner was lean cuisine and tequila. Aaaaaand I need a boyfriend.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

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(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

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(386): View more from Florida

Woke up this morning to my mom on the phone with my dad saying, "It's probably just your prostate." Reasons to move out. Go.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just used my cancer results to get a free lap dance. Great day just got better.

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(312): View more from Illinois

If one more "stranger" walks up to me at the bar and asks how I have been, I am going to rehab.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(214): View more from Texas

You took a fire extinguisher off the wall in the hallway to play Ghostbusters.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Had her hockey skates on in the house. Whole floor is ruined.

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So i told him he was the 3rd i have ever slept with and then i found out he had actually slept with 5 other girls besides me. And his reply was well your number one on this hand.

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(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(519): View more from Ontario

I awoke in a cab to find myself on a ride to niagara falls. Apparently I paid the cab driver half up front.

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(937): View more from Ohio

This went bad. Everyone is crying, i dont know why and I am really uncomfortable.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so there is either a lot of blood or a lot of wine in the shower....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Dude. She told me she felt bad for not giving me more blojobs. HOW COULD THAT HAVE GONE BETTER?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was just on craigslist and saw and ad for a naked yoga instructor. I will no longer be jobless.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Sign #1 that I'm not ready to be a mother: I'm shopping for "maternity fishnets".

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I really hope he dies in a tragic kegstand mishap

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

You were passed out on the chair and when I asked you if you were okay you looked up and said "I'm fine, I was just pretending for a picture" then passed out again.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I pulled my tongue muscle last night. your welcome.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

My grandpa just complimented my boobs. Im taking this as a compliment but also brushing it off as alcoholism on his part.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If it wasn't obvious enough to the cops that she was drunk, she threw in, "I like the colors of the lights because it makes purple."

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(707): View more from California

He told me all about his plan for proposing to his girlfriend as pillow talk.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(248): View more from Michigan

The guy in 209 is masturbating with the door cracked again

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

seriously who else gets carried home puking from a fucking mary kay party?

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(206): View more from Washington

Bartending School is so much more enjoyable now that I realized I was in rehab at this time last year.

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(207): View more from Maine

Does she know that uploading nude photos to photobucket and networking are two different things? You may want to ask.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(702): View more from Nevada

I don't think I have ever puked up that much free breakfast in my life...thank god for Nickle Beers.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(757): View more from Virginia

No, i know about the eggs and penis, the oh wow was for the fire

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(515): View more from Iowa

Im shirtless eating a burrito. How urgent is this?

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(301): View more from Maryland

i'm trying to figure out what goes best with beef ramen. a 2007 merlot or a 2008 pinot noir? i'm leaning toward the pinot noir.

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(678): View more from Georgia

He came in looking for condoms, iced coffee, and a gas tank. I need to be where he's going.

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(727): View more from Florida

His bookmark is a piece of toilet paper. No shame there.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's going to be great. We're a perfect team to break up marriages and happiness.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

He had the smallest penis i'd ever seen. I can see why he drinks his life away.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Do you think the party boat will still go out if there is a hurricane?

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Why did you put hummus in my pillow case?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My girlfriend was pissed, so if I had to guess, i'd say I had a GREAT time last night

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(303): View more from Colorado

so, I mean this in the straightest way possible, but don't you ever just feel like you owe Jon Stewart a blowjob...

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(731): View more from Tennessee

He came up there while i was bartending, ate a salad, told me he wanted to divorce me, then tipped me 10 dollars....

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(514): View more from Quebec

Did you ask last night's taxi driver about his penis hygiene?

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

If you're still awake, how rude would it be if I masturbated in her new apartment on moving day? If you're asleep, then ask me how it was.

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(830): View more from Texas

Okay my swimming class is like the fatass/diabetic guide to losing 2 pounds by christmas

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(209): View more from California

We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(386): View more from Florida

I woke up to him eating me out, listening to classical music.

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm not trying to go crazy tonight either. I just want to go out, have a few drinks, meet up with my ex-boyfriend and get fingered or something.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(562): View more from California

you were passed out snoring, face down with all your clothes still on and 20 minutes later you sat up and said "FUCK YES" and then passed out again.

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(210): View more from Texas

I'm going to make him fall in love with me one blow job at a time.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Listening to Joy Division and applying for Walmart. You get to choose which one is more depressing.

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(613): View more from Ontario

His car is carseat is compatible. I checked while we were banging in the back seat...

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(914): View more from New York

shes a 6ft ginger. she brings nothing to the table except for awkwardness

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(352): View more from Florida

Do you know many girls there are in gay bars waiting for me to do coke off their tits? A lot.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(845): View more from New York

I have realized now that neither the top nor bottom of a bunk bed is safe for sex....

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(516): View more from New York

i have one question about last night

(646): View more from New York

if this is about your fridge being filled with hotdogs, sour cream, and PB&J open-faced sandwiches, i can explain

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I am dressing up to go buy weed. I need to get out more.

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(510): View more from California

I don't know what you drank last night but you really enjoyed the 4 egg body shots.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Yeah apparently i got lonely because everyone was hooking up so i took matters into my own hands. I woke up on the floor spooning a vaccuum cleaner, a mop, 40 paper cups, and industrial grade detergent.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(206): View more from Washington

Worst hangover of my career vs the return of the blue balls. Will keep updated

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know how it happened, one minute we were talking about Huck Finn, the next minute I was blowing him behind the corner of his apartment building.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

apparently i was just sitting there with my shirt down holding my boobs saying "its ok. its all gonna be ok"

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(515): View more from Iowa

then she stuck her tongue in my ass

(1-515): View more from Iowa

I thought we were talking about reason you aren't going to marry her?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm on his itunes. He has a sex playlist. It's actually not so much a playlist as 12 Kylie Minogue songs with a big gay Whitney finish.

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(213): View more from California

Your scrotum should have touched every square inch of that place by now. Start with the water fountain.

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(716): View more from New York

found out the liquor store price matches. thus begins senior year of college

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(817): View more from Texas

He needs to realize that there's a big difference between "I love you" and "I love your dick"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.

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(555): View more from

My complete lack of self respect has really improved my blow job technique

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(714): View more from California

I'm paying a homeless guy $20 to follow me around bars tonight with a boombox playing the theme to Rocky.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(513): View more from Ohio

My own vomit just splashed me in the face. How's your day going

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(817): View more from Texas

I woke on the floor next to a big TV. Apparently I traded my bed for a 52 inch samsung and a box of pop tarts.

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(858): View more from California

Writing a love song to planned parenthood. what rhymes with "don't have AIDS"

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(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

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(513): View more from Ohio

the size of his penis is telling me NOOO! but his bank account is telling me YESSS!

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(740): View more from Ohio

So if we break up over this are you still gonna come over and do my dishes?

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I can't really talk right now. I'm getting on a plane to Oregon to go give a guy a bj. I'll see you in three days.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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(347): View more from New York

when i spit it made a heart shape. i think it's a sign

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(818): View more from California

ill give you a picture of me naked for $5. im desperate.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I feel like banging her is an expected thing. But banging you would be like getting a 36 on the ACT.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(732): View more from New Jersey

people who like being in relationships make me feel bad about myself.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we marched down beaver avenue with lit tiki torches humming the olympics opening song.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just want you to know that i just realized your the only friend i dont feel fat around.

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(253): View more from Washington

I'm so proud of your ability to turn my Charlie horse last night into anal sex.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Also, I've sobered up around 5am, in Delaware. I remember making this decision, and highly regret it now.

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(425): View more from Washington

Get here now. This is going to be possibly my most dangerous idea ever, and I'm the guy who challenged a hobo to a breakdance fight.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's not prostitution until you're out of college. Right now it's just strategic boning.

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(678): View more from Georgia

He was probably pissed, but i couldn't tell for sure. How pissed can someone really look while holding a fishbowl mimosa?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I took a shit in your bathtub. Nothings off limits

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(925): View more from California

Within 5 minutes of max walking in his pants were off and he was wearing my snow goggles as underwear.

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(819): View more from Quebec

She washed lettuce and peppers in the shower and proceeded to make a salad

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(703): View more from Virginia

They refer to his house as "the abortion clinic". Cant wait.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We went to his house and he brought a jar of pickles to bed. I think im in love.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I feel as though I could trust her, I mean she did tell me she was married before we had sex.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just topless shotgunned a bud light alone. I am about to peer mentor the shit out of these freshmen.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(619): View more from California

Dude, she literally stopped, mid fuck said "I want soup" got off my dick and make top ramen.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Fuck buddy has no power. Invited her over to use my shower. I love hurricaines.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

That's like rubbing a penis in my face and not giving it to me.

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(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Oh my god my life; so much cake and so little sex

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

its not college until your roomate walks in on you having sex in his bed. twice

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(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He said he got a lot of action last night. I asked how much? And he said he got to see down her shirt. Freshmen never cease to amaze me.

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(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

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(616): View more from Michigan

Just wana tell you im wearing assless jorts tonight. Ive been waiting my whole life for this.

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(619): View more from California

Imagine a baby lion feeding on an injured gazelle and it tasting fresh blood for the first time. That's me and this breakfast sammich

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(718): View more from New York

Even my Russian and Serbian roommates think I drink to much.

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(914): View more from New York

Apparently, there is a horrible ghonorrea out break at our school. Woo! What a way for Loyola to welcome us back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Not even close. I woke up in the bed of Codys truck. Wrapped up in a sleeping bed, using a stuffed alligator as a pillow. And Alex was laying naked beside me. Not to mention I wasn't wearing the clothes I got there in.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I hope that he knows just because i pissed in his bed doesn't mean were together.

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(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

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(+61): View more from Australia

we tried to steer you away from them but you just kept yelling 'i need dick' and going back. sorry.

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(254): View more from Texas

His facebook status was woke up with a whale ..... Captain AHAB IS BACK !!!!!

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(813): View more from Florida

Nothing like throwing up 1/2 price appatizers and 2 4 1 personal pitcher in uniform to remind myself what a succesful failure I am

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(541): View more from Oregon

She said she didn't want me watching her give me a bj, so she proceeded to make a "blowjob igloo" out of blankets...

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(330): View more from Ohio

I'm sorry, but the way we fuck, they don't make condoms strong enough not to break

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(315): View more from New York

My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'

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(250): View more from British Columbia

you were leaning against the vending machine asking if there was a shower you could puke in.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

oh and if she happens to say anything about a cantalope and tissues... just go with it

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(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Worst PDA I've ever seen. She even licked the mustard off his mustach

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(210): View more from Texas

yeah, and when i walked in on them fucking he said "go away, i'm making sons."

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(619): View more from California

he called you a drunk bob the builder and you proceeded to explain how you were going to build ramps throughout the house

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(404): View more from Georgia

And then like 10 minutes later they were taking a bath together. HOW DOES HE DO IT.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

This is worse that I thought. He's playing violin for me.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Dude... You bled on his hand... At this point it doesn't matter that you called him your exes name, seriously.

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(619): View more from California

It was some time between the gurgles of her blowing me to us throwing up in the same bucket afterwards that I realized we would be doing this a lot.

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(641): View more from Iowa

Like if god were to send me a cock shot, that's what it would look like.

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(530): View more from California

the bottle said: caution extremely flammable. so that was my motivation.

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(415): View more from California

I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(419): View more from Ohio

I don't think blacking out in class is a good idea. But I'm game

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i'm glad we've gotten to the point in our relationship where I can eat peach rings off your penis.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

there were like 150 questions AFTER the application. you'd think for a store that has dick molding kits it'd be a joke

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(330): View more from Ohio

He must be back home now. He moved his box of beer from her porch to ours.

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(330): View more from Ohio

nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I swear this girl is like a Cross between Danny Devito and Anne Heche....the Lesbian Years.

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(719): View more from Colorado

We started hooking up and a group of freshmen outside my window started chanting my name. Encouraging yet distracting

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(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point in my life was I not hugged enough to be on my fourth walk of shame in half as many weeks?

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(213): View more from California

Her brother is deaf.

(214): View more from Texas

no wonder she was so good with her hands

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(905): View more from Ontario

She always manages to outslut me. I can't keep up

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretty sure I saw a dude across the room give this girl the international hand gesture for "I'm going to fist you later", she seemed ok with it.

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(817): View more from Texas

They normally just get fucked up and see who can hold their hand on the exhaust the longest. It's great

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(239): View more from Florida

"Guy Time" translaed into 10 shots apiece and me waking up covered in my own blood.

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(365): View more from

Why wouldn't u just let me ride the washing machine

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I'm quite proud of this turning point from one night stands to giving some guy a BJ to fix my car for free.

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(705): View more from Ontario

And just when I was about to fall asleep, he hit me in the face, and claimed he's a "violent sleeper".

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

She said she was an education major and you replied with "oh I'm taking a semester off too". And we never saw her again...

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(251): View more from Alabama

Always fun waking up to 911 as your last dialed call.

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(718): View more from New York

The fact that I am sitting home writing a resume while you're out inducing vomiting makes me feel like way more of an adult than I'm ready to be.

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(206): View more from Washington

No one wears that much makeup to work unless they are trying to fuck their boss, NO ONE

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(416): View more from Toronto

After he told me that it's up to him to carry on his family name, I almost felt bad for not letting him cum inside me.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(937): View more from Ohio

Somewhere between the 2 hours of sex and her urgently rushing to work she manged to steal all $329.33 in my jeans. Worst one night stand ever, she even took the pennies.

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(562): View more from California

I have tardy slips. and absent slips if you don't show up to the bar. and trust me, if you are absent there will be a saturday school. I'm teaching you how to drink tonight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(805): View more from California

That bad?

(1-805): View more from California

Full length cargo pants, running shoes, and a partial unibrow. Alcohol really is blinding.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(740): View more from Ohio

She gave me a foot massage with her tongue. I think we're both scarred for life.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

We had to put his head at the bottom of the driveway so the puke would run down. Now he's sleeping outside.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Girl next to me in class just said to her friend "and I haven't even cried yet." Challenge accepted

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(305): View more from Florida

MCAT status: Day 64, no longer can remember what sex is like.

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(563): View more from Iowa

If i apologize for punching you in the liver repeatedly will you explain where the grass stains on my shoulders came from?

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(440): View more from Ohio

my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Thought I woke up to a girl giving me a handy. It was a male nurse inserting a catheter.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So the girl in front of me was buying champagne too .. I wanted to be like "so are you celebrating clean test results too?"

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(443): View more from Maryland

her cat was choking so she kept trying to stick her finger in her cat's mouth while saying "it's okay kitty, just do what mommy does"

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(516): View more from New York

Once I saw his penis, I knew I made the right choice

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the spit in my mouth is still 99% not mine.

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(607): View more from New York

Two grown ass men just come into the bar riding humongous tricyles

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(407): View more from Florida

Between cock and motorcycle I'm glad I don't have to sit at work tomorrow

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the one person in the world who takes longer to cum than i do... mutual dissatisfaction is probably not the best foundation for a relationship.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The handjob she gave me was better than the best blowjob I've ever gotten.. Just imagine the possibilities.

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(631): View more from New York

I dont care how high you are, meat and sprinkles dont mix dude

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(917): View more from New York City

Dude totally calling you out on watching when harry met sally on netflix on demand on april 8th.

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(904): View more from Florida

Valium party in the driveway. Attendance: 1. Don't make me do this alone.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If he starts "inventing" things cut him off. The last thing he invented was chocolate chip green beans and he destroyed my kitchen

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(520): View more from Arizona

Two hours into move in day and the ambulance is here already.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

You had me at "you have a nicer rack then her"

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I think i can make this amish girl legitimately hot.

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(561): View more from Florida

Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...

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(416): View more from Toronto

i flashed his best friends last night

(1-416): View more from Toronto

you always were good at making good first impressions

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(505): View more from New Mexico

She's gonna be fat in the future. On a side note I had a "It's not you, it's me." conversation with a bottle of jack last night.

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm currently using two paint brushes as chopsticks to eat lasagna.... college.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I am getting my wife a tattoo just above her butthole that says, "For entry just add tequila."

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(919): View more from North Carolina

It's my fault there's ramen coiled around his penis.

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(313): View more from Michigan

while we were having sex she stopped and said, "god is always watching". Then she started again with no other words said. We were fucked up.

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?

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(712): View more from Iowa

Birthday was great, I got entirely too drunk and made really poor life decisions. It was everything a birthday should be.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

someone wrote "the short drunk lives here" on our door. i already have a reputation

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(217): View more from Illinois

The freshman next to me just said "I was rocking out on my way here to Dave Matthews..." I wish I would have passed this class the first time.

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(650): View more from California

Dude. Hurry up. They just blessed the tequila.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wouldn't accept the money so he folded the $20 bill into an origami puppy and left a note saying "Not blowjob money"

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(303): View more from Colorado

The guy I fucked last night is well worth up the ass tuition. I just wish I could tell dad thanks!

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(765): View more from Indiana

She made out with me for a free sandwich. What makes you think she is NOT up to my standards?

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(802): View more from Vermont

just left a line of flour and citric acid on the dresser for my roommate to find. teach that bastard to steal my coke!

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(615): View more from Tennessee

My roommate just got home. Made an entire package of bacon. Ate it. And then went to bed.

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(707): View more from California

I'm in Target and the lady in front of me is buying three Summer's Eve douches, a box of fishsticks and a giant bottle of vodka. The sad thing is I get it.

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(813): View more from Florida

It's been a long time since I felt this bad on a Monday... and for that, I thank you.

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(815): View more from Illinois

shouldve known this week was gonna be bad when I threw up in my coffee mug

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were too busy being proud of your penis shaped pancakes to notice...

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(703): View more from Virginia

then you gave the doctors and nurses bloody high fives

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(302): View more from Delaware

because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I really need to stop coming home drunk and lint rolling my rabbit.

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(510): View more from California

Someone changed my text signature to "Also, I think I might be gay" last night. Also, I think I might be gay

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(916): View more from California

It just feels wrong masturbating with my neighbor's cat in my apartment

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(630): View more from Illinois

Some kid just walked into class with his schedlue written on a keystone box.

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(231): View more from Michigan

You couldve had sex with 2 drunk chicks on an alligator slide.

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(206): View more from Washington

Well i have to fuck at least one of your roommates this year to keep the tradition alive.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Why is your signature on my underwear?

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(785): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed I did eat a ping pong ball last night...

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just found a bottle of gin in my vegetable crisper. Party is back on.

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(626): View more from California

HOW DID U BEAT A GAY GUY IN GAY CHICKEN?

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(775): View more from Nevada

I've never seen so many strippers at a funeral...

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(515): View more from Iowa

RIP Summer 2010. God knows it had to be one of us..

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(251): View more from Alabama

I feel like a really awesome person when i have to check my roof for things i've lost

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(925): View more from California

I think its only fitting my first purchase with my student loan is a glass pipe? I think ill name it 'Subsidized'

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(845): View more from New York

I've hooked up with three guys in my accounting class. I'm beginning to think my teacher failed me so I can start getting laid again.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm moving back early just in case the freshmen need a tour of the school

(1-914): View more from New York

oh right the one that ends on your bed

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i can barely draw a stick figure let alone shave a heart into my pubes

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Gay TA. Finally going to boost my GPA your way.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

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(307): View more from Wyoming

first day of class and my professor asked me if i was going to come to class drunk all semester.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

She stopped mid-blowjob to introduce herself to us

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I know eh? If a man wants to pay 7 bucks to see some boobies he should be allowed to do so in peace.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"

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(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

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(207): View more from Maine

Alcoholism comes in two forms... Us.

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(478): View more from Georgia

how did he go about obtaining bull sperm?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Ya know, in a round about way coinstar is just a glorified vending machine for all my bad choices.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There is too much vodka and too much dick.

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(419): View more from Ohio

its barely noon and he already threw up and i have second degree burn

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I have to go to the hospital can we stop by the liquor store on the way?

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(813): View more from Florida

were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

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(847): View more from Illinois

Does Vicodin go better with white or red wine?

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(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

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(512): View more from Texas

I think he may have overheard our "how much coke would you fuck me for" conversation last night...

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(971): View more from Oregon

Well, if they're both my boyfriend.. Then i cheated on both of them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just had to re-breakup with her. it was like shooting a dead horse that was crying and talking.

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(903): View more from Texas

I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Do you think we're allowed to sign male strippers into the building with a valid id?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Made a visit to my old puking stall. I missed it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(302): View more from Delaware

he kept asking me if i had been in a pool or a lake recently, i didnt want to say i know where the swimmers ear came from. shower sex.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(703): View more from Virginia

still drunk. talking shit to the doc drawing my blood. this has no upside

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(845): View more from New York

it's kind of slutty but what the hell, so are we

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Accidentally spilled a drink on her roommates skirt, offered to clean it, and got a blowjob out of the deal. Something went horribly right.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I woke up with a solved rubics cube in my purse

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Just saw a motorized bathtub. I think this college thing is gonna work out.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I've really got to stop smuggling half full bottles of beer out of bars in my purse.

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(518): View more from New York

he came on my stomach, took his sock off, wiped it up, put his sock back on along with his shoes and left.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know by doing this we are using dad as a drug mule right?

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(516): View more from New York

The party theme was heirs and heiress's. Most guys came in polo shirts but he came as the "arch duke of vagina".

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you tipped EVERY employee at white castle

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I literally need to be slapped with another cock just to notice it.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(908): View more from New Jersey

can we change the rule from "no one is ugly after 2 am" to 1130 so i can justify last night

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(623): View more from Arizona

Just because we buy weed together doesn't mean were a couple

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(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

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(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(816): View more from Missouri

she both took care of me and took advantage of me. it was BEAUTIFUL.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

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(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've officially decided that whoever created hate sex should be on my christmas card list.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(305): View more from Florida

Bring more bourbon. Day drunk just hit another level.

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(281): View more from Texas

I'm hoping you can explain why I woke up with what I believe is pumpkin pie all over my body

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

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(646): View more from New York

its my first week of college and i have a UTI

(718): View more from New York

not easy being a whore now is it

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

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(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(352): View more from Florida

Mass Text: Free blowjob to first person to bring me a nacho cheese chalupa.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I tried douching with a turkey baster. Not the brightest idea.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(305): View more from Florida

nothing like Chinese food and masturbating on a Saturday night

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(904): View more from Florida

I love him. He's like the father I never had that I kind of want to fuck.

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(415): View more from California

i like how i just referred to his pregnant wife as the "other" melissa and you didn't even judge me.

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(325): View more from Texas

The freshman sure do fuck up the whataburger line at 2am

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

It only takes once for you to drunkly piss on a chick for her to lose interest in you.

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(703): View more from Virginia

This kind of poor decision making requires a real cup, not a mason jar.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

our night together was a product of my beer goggles and jennifer aniston-like desperation.

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(317): View more from Indiana

He told me he doesn't dance and he hates drunken excitement. Why I ever thought it would work is beyond me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(818): View more from California

i woke up in his bed to a "teach your baby to read" infomercial. i pray to GOD that's not a sign

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(620): View more from Kansas

Would it help you get over me if I told you that I had unprotected sex last night?

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(+48): View more from Poland

there's unknown territories my dick was not made to discover

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(773): View more from Illinois

I wish straight boys touched me the way gay boys do.

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Things found in my vomit last night: cell phone, Von Hayes rookie card, a boot, my dignity

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.

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(760): View more from California

Law school is ruining my masturbation schedule.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

There I was staring at a teeny weeny black one and a huge white one. It was like an episode of Myth Busters

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(507): View more from Minnesota

She tags her boyfriend in all of her pictures on her heart...

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We're going to play a drinking game. It's called "Senior Year of College."

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(469): View more from Texas

I just noticed she took the "toys" too. That's how you know when it's really over.

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(510): View more from California

ENDLESS SCROLLING ON TUMBLR WAS MADE FOR HIGH PEOPLE!

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Robbie told me you spent 10 mins discussing the curl in his hair and that you said "with that curl in your hair, you'll go far"

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(330): View more from Ohio

The extent of my physical activity is running from the cops.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

She keeps referring to it as an "us" Either she is seriously mistaken on what fuck buddies are or she learned another meaning of the word "us"

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(785): View more from Kansas

I had sex with her because I didn't want to hurt her feelings.. You're the one who told me I should be more sensitive.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he opened the microwave and beer cans poured out

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(804): View more from Virginia

She better not be too drunk to operate a blowtorch

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(909): View more from California

The kids I taught this morning even knew i was drunk. One of them even said, and I quote, "You smell like my dad after he goes bowling."

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I asked my mom if I was the drunkest one in the room. With 8 days till I go back to school, I couldn't care less about being shitfaced at a baptism

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

fyi gin and iced coffee...not my greatest invention

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(916): View more from California

I am intoxicated and cannot bring you a burrito. However, if you want to bring ME one...

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(352): View more from Florida

She was having a seizure right in front of you, and you asked, "So there's no more donuts?"

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

a search helicopter?!

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I want you to tape your fingers together and give me a lobster claw hand job.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Damn it, I know in the morning I'm going to regret eating out of the trash...

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I'm 2 blowjobs away from girlfriend status....don't tell me I don't know how to have an adult relationship

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(330): View more from Ohio

We've shared an experience, my friend. I, too, have talked on the phone with a parent while giving a handjob

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(740): View more from Ohio

His band may suck, but it's not like I'm sleeping with all of them.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

as he left, i held up my fist and said "pound it out" and he was like "are you serious, we just had sex..."

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(609): View more from New Jersey

His dick looked like E.T.'s finger. It scared me.

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(972): View more from Texas

The bartender laughed but the manager kicked me out when the mom conplained. There's no way my fart harmed that baby in any way

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(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

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(515): View more from Iowa

you had "tips for anal sex" in your google search history this morning. how was your sunday night?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

How do you say "I'm not pregnant in Spanish?"

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(862): View more from New Jersey

just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You've got more to offer than just money. Come on. You have an awesome rack.

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(239): View more from Florida

I cant talk about it right now or let you guess, but its something you and i would do. Kinda like that time we had the case of beer and went bowling

(1-239): View more from Florida

You hooked up with minors in a golf cart?

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(845): View more from New York

i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.

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(718): View more from New York

If u were an xman, what would ur power be? I would shoot lasers from my boobs.

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(518): View more from New York

I'm starting to have hip problems from having my legs spread too often.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I think im gonna have to stop sexting on the metra. The middle aged businessman behind me just leaned over and whispered 'dirty girl' and highfived his seatmate.

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(705): View more from Ontario

her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken

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(503): View more from Oregon

After we had sex he bought me grape soda. I think I'll keep him.

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(518): View more from New York

no they seem fine, they're doing push ups and waiting for a charging toy helicopter

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(850): View more from Florida

it's great music for shaving your balls

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(407): View more from Florida

Because the last time i saw or spoke to him he came all over me in a hammock.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Thank you blackberry messenger, for giving me a way to sext faster and more efficiently

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I just scratched behind my ear and found icing. Fuck you.

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Remember that amazing deer? You peed next to that dear..

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

moving back to school this early was a terrible idea we already used up our bail fund

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(803): View more from South Carolina

If the blowjob was before the wedding, we're not technically related, right?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I didn't think it was possible but there may actually be TOO MANY pictures of me tagged shotgunning.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just saw a sign that said "STRIPPERS!!! As seen on Jerry Springer!". As if Springer is the highest honor. I'm pretty sure we're in south Georgia.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Her parties are sponsored by Valtrex. This might not be your best idea.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(555): View more from

She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.

(555): View more from

Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(858): View more from California

I'm pretty sure I just overheard my boss call his sperm precious metal...

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(845): View more from New York

alcohol. turning childhood friends into awkward hookups since the dawn of civilization.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I want Paula Dean to narrate shark week next year

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I definitely managed to work the word "aforementioned" into the conversation.. At least I'm an intelligent sexter.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(516): View more from New York

OMG A WOMANS PROSTETIC ARM JUST FELL OFF AT BAGGAGE CLAIM

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(760): View more from California

You didn't want to have sex last night because you said your grandpa just died and you didn't want him watching..

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We started playin just the tip, then shit got crazy

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(616): View more from Michigan

Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(770): View more from Georgia

We met at my place after separate parties but the condom wrapper was red with hearts and said love. Does that count as a romantic date?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I'm drinkin whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i leave for school in 3 days. if you want your annual goodbye blow job you should probably call me

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think I'm on the verge of a really slutty period in my life

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I took both his daughters virginities. There's no way he won't give me a job

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(209): View more from California

nothing like morning wood sex at 4pm. funemployment ftw

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(573): View more from Missouri

dude she was givin me head and stops and looks up at me and tells me she loves me, then goes ''alright now cum in my mouth''.... pretty sure shes the one

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(631): View more from New York

well isn't that the pot calling the kettle a make out whore

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Home remedy for the herp. Black tea. I need to strap teabags to my wang.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(716): View more from New York

The story about him having a girlfriend changed real fast when he found out that I was a gymnast

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(415): View more from California

MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just opened a bottle with my rape whistle. At least it's finally getting used for something.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think it might be brain cancer. Hangovers can't be this bad

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(925): View more from California

Just watched a guy fight a garbage can then pee on it, screaming "I told you to listen to me the first time!!" San Francisco, I've missed you.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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(315): View more from New York

I just made doing the dishes into a drinking game. crafty, or pathetic?

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(289): View more from Ontario

he went down on me with a nose plug on, you tell me how it went

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(303): View more from Colorado

you're close to getting here right? Because if you're still not here and I have to get dressed to answer the door for the pizza guy, i'm tipping him $100 on your credit card to spite you

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(847): View more from Illinois

well as my mentor always said, "Don't antagonize the man whose penis gives you multiple orgasms."

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

can we meet up so i can piece together the end of my night? for instance, did i jump or fall into a plant?

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(860): View more from Connecticut

My mom assumed I was crying because he was leaving. Figured that was better than explaining my eye's sensitivity to semen..

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(541): View more from Oregon

I woke up naked on the bathroom floor. the tile grout marks on my boobs hurt, i mananged to use a roll toilet paper as a pillow. never again. did we eat salad?

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(913): View more from Kansas

the cool security guard showed me the video clip of how i sat criss-cross-applesauce on the elevator for 20 minutes last night

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

He cut you off when you said Paula Dean was in your soul...He kicked you out when "Paula" started eating random peoples food

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(313): View more from Michigan

The movie was so bad she gave me two blowjobs. Two.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Banging bitches in a bar bathroom is not legit as it was in college, there are no fistpumps afterward only shame

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(410): View more from Maryland

i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there

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(510): View more from California

I still think it's messed up that you're naming your kids after all the guys you slept with in college

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I just found out that the liquid capacity of my breasts is 700ml each. I should not be left alone at home when drunk.

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(734): View more from Michigan

debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.

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(618): View more from Illinois

When you went through airport security you asked if the could check if a baby was in there. That drunk.

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(620): View more from Kansas

I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

All I could understand from his text was "hatchet" "soccer" & "bitch". its safe to say andy has had enough to drink & will be violent soon

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

your brother is wearing shin guards in the swimming pool. i have a feeling that this happens often

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I take back everything I said about communal showers

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(574): View more from Indiana

all of his pictures were taken on a library computer, how did you even consider fucking him?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(828): View more from North Carolina

yeah come on over we're just pre gaming for the grocery store

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I have absolutely nothing sober to say to you.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Best. Handjob. Ever.

(905): View more from Ontario

I'm guessing Kelly is over?

(416): View more from Toronto

Nope. Home alone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.�

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(973): View more from New Jersey

My vagina just recognized that song.

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(310): View more from California

He's like the houdini of condoms. I never even realized he put one on before we fucked. he's magical.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Hello everyone will one of you please inform me on why I woke up in a cardboard recycle dumpster with no shirt and a stuffed animal? I want to hear this explanation.

(1-403): View more from Alberta, CA

Your godly.

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(714): View more from California

My mom called me and we started arguing as usual. I finally screamed at her "I HEAR YOU AND THAT 30 YEAR OLD FUCKING!" and hung up. She hasn't called back yet. I win.

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(716): View more from New York

ive come to the point where weve hung out more times sober than drunk. i think im growing up. fuck.

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(703): View more from Virginia

It was a rude awakening when I turned on my phone and the first thing I saw was a picture of David's dick with a face on it, I need to stop drinking in his basement...

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(785): View more from Kansas

He deserves to hear about your Vagina Shrooms

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(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept insisting that i was jake gyllenhaal and you were heath ledger.

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(917): View more from New York City

I may have pooped in your shoe. or somewhere else in your closet. its unclear.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

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(226): View more from Ontario

I now realize that they made gum to take the taste of dick out of your mouth.

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(212): View more from New York

it was like a zeppelin in a condom

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(440): View more from Ohio

We went into lab today and when no one was looking i touched our cadaver's penis!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i love being in ibiza. their hotels are much more receptive to walking around naked in the lobby than our american ones.

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(661): View more from California

I woke up at 6 on his trampoline wearing only a parka.

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(619): View more from California

I don't know how many crown and cokes he went through but I know it was more that I have fingers. We are never leaving Texas.

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(727): View more from Florida

hell no. last time, i couldn't pee straight for a week.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(347): View more from New York

i realized really quickly that drinking a bottle of vodka and 3 crystal light packets wasn't the best idea i've ever had

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(512): View more from Texas

there is a baby dancing on the table amidst the smoke of multiple cigarettes. i want to trade lives with that baby.

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(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

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(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

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(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

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(347): View more from New York

I kept feeling my boobs..just to make sure they were still there.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he thanks me after handjobs.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

you found the perfect man.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Blowjobs in the shower are a lot like blowjobs not in the shower. Awesome.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

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(917): View more from New York City

M WATCHING THE HISTORY CHANNEL AND IT SAID THAT WHEN THE LUST PART OF THE BRAIN IS ACTIVATED THE JUDGEMENT PART IS NOT. THIS EXPLAINS SO MUCH.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

he's from indiana, of course he's clueless about "g-spots"

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(804): View more from Virginia

he met me at the airport with a welcome home sign with a grilled cheese, PBR and a blow job on it. i missed america.

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(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i need you to babysit me first week back at school. havent had tequila, adderal, or sex w randoms in 3 months

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would explain the ketchup stains in the bed to him but saying I just got my period is so much less embarrassing...

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(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry for coming into your work place and trying to smuggle you out in my purse.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you wanna get some fucking pussy tonight.....THEN DRESS LIKE IT

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I noticed when you had too much when you were yelling "HOE-HAVE-A-SEAT" to his cat.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I puked in the pool and didn't tell them, then they all went swimming. Is it dick to just sit back and enjoy the show?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

While in Europe, he bought me a pouring tap to put on my liquor so I don't spill. This means 2 things.1) He really loves me. 2) I'm a noticeable alcoholic.

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(631): View more from New York

we cant have a funnel and a dog. thats a lot of responsibility

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(386): View more from Florida

smelt my brothers hands when he got home to see if he lied about smoking again...he didn't lie but i definitely didn't expect to smell some other girls vagina.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

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(847): View more from Illinois

he pretended not to hear me say our safety word. how do you think I feel?

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(914): View more from New York

she tossed me in the back of the car and said "god gave u the gift of life and I wanna swallow it"

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(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

i was surprised by the severity of his small dick condition

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm 99% sure I high fived a girl over mashed potatoes last night

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(208): View more from Idaho

Somehow I gave him blood blisters on his dick...I don't know if I'm that good or that bad.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i feel like his penis is a security blanet. i cant fall asleep unless its in my hand

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(513): View more from Ohio

he had his head down and said he was listening for the buffalo, he had to still be drunk.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I buy you gas. You blow me. Economics.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

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(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

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(720): View more from Colorado

She punched my vomit. In midair. Back into my mouth.

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(512): View more from Texas

the only reason i invite her is so when the guys start to hit on her i know it's time to take their keys

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(607): View more from New York

We'll both be dead in approximately 72-96 hours, with you bringing your liver out of retirement again, Favre.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(647): View more from Ontario

I didn't think moms care packages could get better than greygoose, weed & double stuffed oreos, but she just snet me a chocolate bar full of mushrooms.

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(816): View more from Missouri

It wasn't until i was on my knees with three dicks in my face that i thought it might be a bad idea

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(212): View more from New York

Your remote is drenched in lotion and you expect me to believe you weren't masturbating?!

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(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

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(256): View more from Alabama

FYI angry masturbation is not as cool angry sex

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(714): View more from California

Hahaha you puked all over his shirt.

(562): View more from California

You puked in the planter and everyone saw your snatch.

(714): View more from California

Well someones bitter they didn't get any.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I came home to burning cookies and him outside "tanning" naked.

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

He just wants an even tan

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I knew she was going to get knocked up just by looking at her facebook pics

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(516): View more from New York

How much time is enough between masturbating and watching little bear?

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(256): View more from Alabama

I got an MIP via FUCKING HELICOPTER. Tuscaloosa police either have nothing to do or too many resources.

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(928): View more from Arizona

This is one of the fundamental differences between you and I. If I found meat in a plastic bag, I wouldn't put it in my mouth.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

so yeah i told her you were going to become a doctor and the first thing she said was "i still don't want to fuck him". i tried.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

oh great, iTunes now thinks im gay.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I truly believe that the solid foundation of any healthy relationship is a drunken one night stand so I can just get all the nasty shit out on the table

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(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

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(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me the hand job I gave him this morning was "lovely".

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(432): View more from Texas

To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway

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(512): View more from Texas

He offered but I said no. I didn't think it'd be cool to accept cupcakes in the mens room of a gentlemans club.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i mean, we fucked on the futon in the garage where his band practices. pretty sure im now obligated to like his band on facebook.

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(850): View more from Florida

We just licked a sour creme and onion chip for salt for a tequila shot. Our vacation has officially begun.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just past a guy who was biking and double fisting wit glass beer bottles. That is what i call talent

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(602): View more from Arizona

The last memory I have is vomiting into a box and her rubbing my back saying "you are such a trooper..."

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(256): View more from Alabama

Telling me its the beginning of school is like telling me the crown royal fairy has come back from vacation.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Their house warming gift for us was a half case of keystone and getting the cops called..

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I can practically hear my vag and my conscience fighting.

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(404): View more from Georgia

It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

judging by the pasta sauce and dirty pans i spent my blackout being emeril

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

wait a second. did i just remember you the other night referring to your tits as tia and tamara.....

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Absence makes the cock grow harder.

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

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(407): View more from Florida

we have 69 mutual friends...i have to add her

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(253): View more from Washington

Just saw a half naked, drunk, 6th grade math teacher throwing small children around to the Titanic soundtrack.

(1-253): View more from Washington

What kind of wedding is this and why wasn't I invited

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(251): View more from Alabama

Only you can can turn Jenga into a drinking and then a sex game.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

someone was throwing condoms at us.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

no, they just magically show up around you.

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(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

all but 2 of were put on probation for disorderly conduct. i know, visiting a hospital when your drunk is really stupid but it seemed like such a good idea at the time

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

swear to god, "it seemed like a good idea at the time" is gonna be on your epitaph

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.

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(404): View more from Georgia

His mom walked into the kitchen smiling, made a scotch on the rocks, hit my bong, and told us goodnight enthusiastically. He's suddenly more appealing to me.

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(818): View more from California

Security brought me back to our hotel room in a wheelchair last night. Vegas.

(818): View more from California

And if you ever tell anyone that I will fucking kill you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

she found me naked passed out on the toilet and i just kept repeating "i'm like elvis, but not dead."

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(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

you have a cum towel under your bed, you're the definition of single

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(850): View more from Florida

I don't know why I've never thought to take my bong into the bathtub before.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

It took us hanging out like four times to kiss. Id like to fuck you before I'm 30

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude I could put my dick between the gap in her teeth.. This is the last time we are hanging out with Kentucky girls

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(513): View more from Ohio

He walked into the party with a case on one shoulder and a boom box on the other of course I fucked him

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just walk-of-shame'd past fifteen little girls at summer camp. Take a good look girls, I am you in twelve years.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously? Time stamp. 2:31 AM. And I am taking self potraits with a tree. Betty Ford anyone?

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I feel if a girl leaves my house the next morning feeling degraded and in desparate need of a shower, then I have succeeded.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I hit a bug from across the room with my flip flop boomerang style. That awesome.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Like if I don't roll around in my puke, the night will be a failure.

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(616): View more from Michigan

There's nothing worse than waking up naked on the beach covered in sand and a family walking by.

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(631): View more from New York

I just witnessed Grandma making her infamous daiquiris. Extraordinary.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(410): View more from Maryland

she was pooping while we were on video chat. new level of love.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(219): View more from Indiana

I made an oral joke and he laughed... That's when I realized I wasn't Daddy's Little Girl anymore.

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(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

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(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i officially have more pictures of his dick than pictures of us together

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't have any food so I made a martini so I could eat the olives. Don't tell me I can't think outside the box.

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(330): View more from Ohio

apparently he couldn't remember my name so he refereed to me as whats-her-boobs and everyone knew that it was me he was talking about

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(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

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(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(509): View more from Washington

Well, think of it this way, if this were 200 years ago your father would have received the most goats in all the village for your fertile loins. Think about that.

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(512): View more from Texas

i was actually impressed that she managed to throw up underwater while scuba diving

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

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(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

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(702): View more from Nevada

as my niece was drinking milk out of a crown royal glass i realized i dont think i've ever bought a glass that didnt come with a bottle of liquor....

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(630): View more from Illinois

I have no idea how to attract men with my personality anymore. He can't see my tits via facebook chat

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(708): View more from Illinois

I was more traumatized by the table collapsing while i was going down on you.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

After what u did to that bathroom I think the $30 and the "sorry I'm a jackass" note was the thing to do.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just realized there's an entire generation of children that will never know Alex Trebek had a mustache... Sad.

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(303): View more from Colorado

those 9 inches of man changed my life forever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

it was literally the size of a crayloa marker. i didnt know what to do with it so i just sat there

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(970): View more from Colorado

If there was a game called "keeping your legs shut," I would lose every time.

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(216): View more from Ohio

I feel like I've been slapped by Gods icy cold dick of vengeance.

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(240): View more from Maryland

It's summer and yet I still can't have one library session w/o seeing someone who has had their penis in me.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

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(515): View more from Iowa

theres a difference between trying to make someone happy and letting them fuck you in the ass

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(402): View more from Nebraska

her facebook pictures are like a timeline of all the guys she's screwed.

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(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

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(914): View more from New York

tell me how i ended up in the movie theater alone with a bottle of smirnoff and a bendy straw.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I didn't wanna be that girl that took a shit in the ocean..

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I dont think punching her boob is the type of reverse psychology that will get her to blow you.

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(805): View more from California

He doesn't make grammatical errors. Even while getting head.

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(206): View more from Washington

He's a navy seal. He can stick it anywhere he wants.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so apparently i worked out for over an hour last night. drinking is the only way i will ever get anything done

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She's like the pied piper of lesbians.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I had five suicidal voicemails from him when I woke up this morning. They all started and ended with "DON'T FUCK MY ROOMMATES".

(781): View more from Massachusetts

It was only one, it doesn't count.

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(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

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(207): View more from Maine

Any parent would be proud to have a daughter that's a blowjob fairy

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Would you like me to write a persuasive essay on how you should let me suck your dick?

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I like that most of our conversations somehow end in us having sex for the good of our country

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(973): View more from New Jersey

yeah he was eating me out and i didnt know someone made popcorn so I thought the smell was comming from my vagina

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

wtf

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(925): View more from California

Is snow just God skeeting all over the place??

(1-925): View more from California

Yes. Yes it is.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I'm not sure, but I think she had a tampon in when we fucked

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(530): View more from California

He was such a tease, he pulled out his dick, let me touch it then put it away

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I came over to his house for a party and realized I was quoted on the fridge... "How'd I get rug burn on my face?" And yes, my name was right next to it!

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(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

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(231): View more from Michigan

So am I a slut for not remembering his name after sex last night or not recognizing him in the cafe today after he told me who he was?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i felt obligated to tell him happy birthday since we trashed his house and i fucked his friend in his basement

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(423): View more from Tennessee

drunk tastebuds have low standards.

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(305): View more from Florida

God, you're like boner-b-gone

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He came in asked for the bathroom and came out 10 minutes later dripping wet took his redbull and left.

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(714): View more from California

He spent most of his night trying to convince people that he had changed and was no longer a sleazebag...he had his nut hanging out of his pants about an hour later.

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(941): View more from Florida

CAUTION: TWINS DO NOT HAVE TWIN PENISES.

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(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

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(937): View more from Ohio

Hands down, the girl passed out in the bathroom was the best looking. Concious or not.

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(954): View more from Florida

im not gonna bother asking u how it was... we could hear u through the walls

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You were peeing on yourself thinking it was the sprinkler in your yard

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(813): View more from Florida

Question: Would it be wrong to just fuck both of them and decide who to date one performance of their cocks?

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

We should probably just have a threeway and get everyone on the same page.

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(585): View more from New York

there is mayo everywhere what the fuckkkk

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You know you're on day 1 of your period when the new mcdonalds commercial makes you cry

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(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I was on my way at Dorito Smoothie

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

This flask doesn't match my outfit. I hope the gays don't mind.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I told him he was my first gentile. He was so flattered.

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(207): View more from Maine

I woke up this morning with my hair wrecked, a split lip, and an "H" on my right knee and a "I!" on my other knee.

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(817): View more from Texas

God you better not be texting me after just having sex with someone from craigslist

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(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

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(618): View more from Illinois

apparently my insurance doesn't cover road head. Bummer.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I ended up giving him head, i think it was mostly a defensive move so that he wouldn't discover i was wearing those onesy spanx

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(925): View more from California

It smells like ranch

(925): View more from California

Must be all the white people

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(931): View more from Tennessee

is it pathetic that I think he's cheating and it doesn't bother me because for the first time I'm the girlfriend and not the other girl?

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(912): View more from Georgia

I hope his life after cheating on me is as good as Tiger's golf game is these days.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's playing farmville on his phone while puking over the toilet..

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(954): View more from Florida

had to bail. she had her cat tattooed on her

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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(207): View more from Maine

He violated my cat. I was not impressed.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm actually agreeing with glenn beck. What the FUCK was in that margarita?!

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Awww, you two will make beautiful abortions together...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

The view from the bathroom floor this morning is fabulous

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(201): View more from New Jersey

You know there's only so much I can do with a great personality.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you not remember you showing everyone in the bathroom your period stained underwear? I'd say you were pretty happy it came

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(631): View more from New York

You really need to tell him that he has a girlfriend. I'm not sure he knows

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it

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(305): View more from Florida

Do you think my parents will accept my drinking habits more if I told them I like to drink every night because I take good shits the next morning?

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

yesterday, he said he didn't trust me around his daughter because "if she was wrapped in rolling paper u'd smoke her." yup.

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(419): View more from Ohio

this guy had a colored tattoo of Chucky on his leg, whatever drugs he does, i want them

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(907): View more from Alaska

You are colorful like whore, yet adorable, like sad puppy. You need more drink.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just paid a homeless man $20 for the dragon ball Z shirt he was wearing. I need to stop drinking

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You unbuttoned your shirt and started walking down the center of the road screaming traffic stops for Enrique Iglesias.

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(641): View more from Iowa

just got invited to smoke a bowl by a guy who has a prostetic leg and has been on the jerry springer show multiple times. I love my life right now

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(386): View more from Florida

Is it physically possible to shit out my own bone marrow? Because if not, then I need to see a doctor immediately.

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(513): View more from Ohio

im laying here in the parking lot drinking a warm coke, prob still drunk, feeling like i need to apologize to everyone i know

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

My balls had bee stings let's just leave it at that.

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(850): View more from Florida

She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.

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(925): View more from California

You guessed 7 of 8 bra sizes correctly. You're like a drunk rainman.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I swear he shrunk like 2 inches. Remind me that drunk sex needs to remain drunk sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I thought we agreed, no more super glueing action figures to my dick

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I understand that I gave you a nose bleed with a cheeto last night and for that I apologize

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(+33): View more from France

On the airplane today the pilot actually said "Ladies and gentlemen I'm sorry for the delay. But I know all of you have problems, and so do we..."

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i came on her dog

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(281): View more from Texas

She was so adorably desperate I didn't have the heart to tell her I wasn't a lesbian. So now She's making waffles, may switch teams over this.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I shouldn't have had sex with her. I feel that I may have opened a pandora's vagina

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(818): View more from California

I bet you think you're really funny for switching my line of coke with a line of protein powder.

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(845): View more from New York

We just passed a billboard that said to join "jerseydoesntstink.com" and literally 15 seconds later, we could smell jersey.

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(561): View more from Florida

If her picture on my phone wasn't mostly of her breasts, I'd never pick up the phone when she calls.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

At this point I feel like i'm never going to be sober, and it's frightening

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Question: does the slut gene come from the mother or the father? im trying to figure out who to blame.

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(301): View more from Maryland

they are using this drunk girl like a spin the bottle in the hot tub, whoever she lands on she makes out with.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper

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(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

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(509): View more from Washington

I'm drunk at the doctor. It's not that fun. Overrated in fact.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm currently blowing up the downstairs bathroom at work. I wish I could foursquare this.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I found her under my bed eating airplane pretzels.

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(904): View more from Florida

He gave me a promise ring. He promised that he will imagine me as every girl he fucks in college.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Changed my mind. Wearing a dress. Casual, with a side of breasts.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Never get a handjob from a girl who gives deep tissue massages.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She just took off her shirt and jumped in the kiddie pool. We're not leaving.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(206): View more from Washington

He was in a gay KY jelly commercial. Jew male model. Reasons not to sleep with him. Go.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I could feel myself puking on my feet but it was so warm i didnt even care.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

He managed to completely creep out every girl I was with last night. It was almost inspiring how efficient it was.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

you could never motorboat her...you'd have to motor-titanic her

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(949): View more from California

I had to throw up. it was the only way to avoid kissing her after she swallowed..

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(512): View more from Texas

and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through

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(604): View more from British Columbia

when a girl feels in her heart, the way she feels in her vagina, anything is possible.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so if i die before i go back to school its because the thing we found in the hallway that i've been smoking out of is a crack pipe

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(240): View more from Maryland

Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.

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(410): View more from Maryland

When I say rough sex, and show you scars from past encounters, pulling my hair a little IS NOT GOING TO CUT IT. And he just doesn't understand.

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(765): View more from Indiana

I think he liked me better when I only opened my mouth to suck his dick.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

morning after pill = breakfast in bed

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I was giving him a handjob and he commented that he loved my nailpolish....I'm destined to die a fag hag

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(770): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting in my bathroom sink, eating a tuna sandwich. He had better weed than I expected.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I didnt realize we were having a competition in poor decision making skills

(262): View more from Wisconsin

how else could I explain the last few years

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(716): View more from New York

Just pulled an upper-decker at a hardware store. I believe I'm winning 8-2. It's obvious you don't shit enough in public.

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(207): View more from Maine

Well my dea agent brother is visiting so I'm gonna get high and see if he notices

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(815): View more from Illinois

I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

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(952): View more from Minnesota

we talked for like an hour, i feel like we really bonded. i mean i was simultaneously giving him head but you get the point.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Wow, I just sneezed gum out of my nose. Wonder how long that's been up there.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I dont want to tell you. Lets just say that a lot of things are reminding me of your dick right now

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(317): View more from Indiana

she said she's never had and orgasm AND she's a cubs fan...ouch.

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was so worried that when his hands were down my pants he was going to find the weed i stole from him

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(512): View more from Texas

He asked me to grab his balls and yell "thats a spicy meat-a-ball" Last time I do requests.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I am kinda proud of you, its like seeing my slutty baby take its first step

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Holy shit. Do you realize what this means? Officially all of my ex-bfs are either dead or gay

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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

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(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Just threw up on my desk at work. They are making me go home.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

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(289): View more from Ontario

i dont know if you remember blowing your vomity nose directly into my hand...yeah thanks for that

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(907): View more from Alaska

started to yawn and threw up hamburger helper instead. awesome night.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we had incredible sex, then he proposed with the vibrating cock ring

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(813): View more from Florida

well, someone with very low standards is getting their dick sucked

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

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(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

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(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Just because it's been in my vagina doesn't mean it's important to me

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(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

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(209): View more from California

Are you seriously gonna shit with that life vest on?

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(408): View more from California

You make shower sex sound like waterboarding

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Anyways, i'm off to play with a rubber dick and a ouija board with two other girls...

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(319): View more from Iowa

So I told her I dislocated my shoulder and she said "well okay. I can either be on top or blow you."

(319): View more from Iowa

Decisions, decisions.

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(816): View more from Missouri

we all know badassery is carried on the XX chromosome

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Oh the joys of strong arming a man into exclusivity

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(516): View more from New York

Thanks for not cleaning the drain like you were supposed to. I just vomited in the shower and I had to stand in it until I was done conditioning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He asked me why my bellybutton was so ugly... and wondered why i wasnt in the mood anymore.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(909): View more from California

don't tell me I don't love her. i once slept with my girlfriends therapist, just to find out if she was cheating on me.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(630): View more from Illinois

She must have been at ribfest tonight because my dick smells like barbeque sauce

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Feels weird sitting between two guys who've had their heads between my legs in a 24 hour span.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

He's warming up to shark week, by only eating fish and drinking vodka, and all the time he keeps yelling "death to the seals!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

Its like fucking yourself in the head with a weed strapon

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(919): View more from North Carolina

yeah, it's no longer just 'day drinking' when it's 5pm and you're knocking over fruit displays at fresh market

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(317): View more from Indiana

I was holding her hair back and when she quit puking she told me she's been saving her scissor virginity for me.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Urine might work for jellyfish stings, but we found out it doesn't work well for nose bleeds...

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(705): View more from Ontario

She was perfectly content just sitting in the middle of everyone blowing bubbles in the air.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He took a banana and in front of everyone showed her how he wanted it done.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I went to class with the sex aroma on me. The hot sun doesn't help much.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like vodka or no vodka, you'd still be trying to button your cat into your comforter

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm not going to fuck him in his Honda Fit. That's gay.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know what's worse....that fact that my dog ate my vibrator or that he later puked it up on my bed

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Three of the best words ever! Cocaine. Research. Study.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

basically at this point ill snort whatever you put in front of me and just hope

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(518): View more from New York

its totally unfair that im just as ill-prepared as a 16 year old but there's no tv show for 25 and pregnant.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(352): View more from Florida

He just slept in my bed for a couple hours and asked lots of questions about gay sex. No, I do not have his number.

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(516): View more from New York

no, literally. he fb chatted me and said "since you're online i figured we could bang tonight?"

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(502): View more from Kentucky

just heard this guy tell a story about how he got boat head. i want his life

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(317): View more from Indiana

well judging by the amount of dired blood around my nipple rings i'm gonna assume it was a good night

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(408): View more from California

we found you standing over and eating out of my neighbor's garbage can

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(708): View more from Illinois

So there I was.....spitting on my goldfish just to keep it alive.

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(256): View more from Alabama

dont worry about it. i always have emergency bong water with me

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

it's not a party till someone uses the fire extinguisher.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up wearing nothing but his lifeguard whistle..

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(210): View more from Texas

Cumming on a girls face is guy code for you're not wife material.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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(989): View more from Michigan

Two girls I have never met just thumb wrestled to decide who gets to make out with me.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(212): View more from New York

Appropriately today was the first time I've ever GTL'd. I can't believe I made fun of this,it's rather relaxing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

yeah that always happens. i'm like the where's waldo of parties. i never even know where the fuck i'm at.

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(415): View more from California

is it too early in the day to continue our conversation about penis shapes?

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(817): View more from Texas

Shark Week. Kick off begins Sunday. The drinking game has been upgraded to include jumping/breaching sharks and Jake's not allowed to bring the harpoon. Period.

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(850): View more from Florida

my little brother just asked me why i have handcuffs. How do I tell him that his sister likes being taken advantage of in the bedroom?

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(703): View more from Virginia

You suck. You're fired. I need to find a less reasonable voice-of-reason.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.

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(208): View more from Idaho

he stopped making out with me and said "can I make you grilled cheese? I feel like I owe YOU something"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(609): View more from New Jersey

It was like some kind of slut recycling operation. She gave me the shirt of the last guy she slept with in exchabge for mine so I didn't have to wear the same thing to work. She's been doing it for years

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(563): View more from Iowa

he said it was like fucking a big sack of slut potatoes

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So there's dick imprints in the peanut butter

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just figured out that you can toast a marshmallow with a butter knife and a cigarette lighter. I'm like a retarded Mister Wizard

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just once id like to sleep with a man who i havent thrown up on

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(207): View more from Maine

you got thrown out for pissing in a cup in the corner. you told one guy it was okay because you went to college and that he wouldn't understand

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just caught a 10 year old kid staring at my dick next to me in the urinal. i just nodded to him and said yeah, mines bigger little dude. i gotta stop drinking in public....

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My coke dealer called me at midnight just to ask how to spell a word. Not sure how I should feel about that.

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(352): View more from Florida

I woke up with my left arm looking like it got mauled by a lion. Oo and she said someone broke her car window.

(352): View more from Florida

Just realized these events may be related.

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(206): View more from Washington

I just inadvertently flirted with my coworker's 20-year old son. I've known him since he was 14, yet suddenly he looked different.

(1-206): View more from Washington

You are nothing if not reliable.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

just got off the metro to throw up and got back on like it ain't no thang

(917): View more from New York City

really making moves this morning i see

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(512): View more from Texas

apparently breaking a beer bottle and then throwing up in a urinal is a terrible way to pick up girls.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

it never fails, everytime he manages to fuck my earrings out of my ears.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Thanks for telling my landlord that the poop stain was yours and not my secret dog.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The cop refused to sing with us, even though he was as happy as we were that the tow truck finally showed up.

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(540): View more from Virginia

you spent 5 minutes trying to open an empty PBR and kept saying "don't worry i'll get it i've been working out"

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(734): View more from Michigan

Idk how she did it. Either she watches freakier porn than I do, or I really need to go get tested.

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(954): View more from Florida

Caught my drug dealer jacking off. I think this is a new step in our relationship

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(813): View more from Florida

I just got a Community College debit card in the mail. My failure has been materialized.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Okay, thats embarrasing even by my standards and I've thrown up while wearing a viking hat. just a viking hat.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX

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(530): View more from California

So the coke mirror was perfectly angeled at my face right when i woke up this morning. I now know how I'd look on intervention.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Instead of centeral air we are getting a margaritaville machine. Thought you would enjoy our logic

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I was too drunk to read the menu, let alone her body language.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Man, the last time I saw you you were giving me a thumbs up while being pulled out the bar by your belt from some girl.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave him HEAD floating down the river in a tube as big a a tire. I just don't know how to compete with that sort of level of slut.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I was just referred to as 'the margarita slut' by an 11 year old.

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(+27): View more from South Africa

My booty call got married. Come over before I start tagging all the places my dick has been in her wedding photos.

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(731): View more from Tennessee

who knew that if you vomit while skydiving the puke goes up towards the people that are behind you.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I found the other part of your tooth if you want to put it under your pillow

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She's okay as an interesting car wreck. But as a sexual object she's funny

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Like... Chilling at home with a movie, hang out? Or have sexual intercourse in the backseat if his car, hang out?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

your goal of the night was to unlock your iPhone with your nipple. You're going places.

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(650): View more from California

he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car

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(519): View more from Ontario

and he said i stripped him down, hand cuffed him to his bed post, and tickled his arm pits, and then continued to watch The Hangover.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

His hands were made for my vagina.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I woke up with the new contact "Britney Both Nipples Pierced"... how do you think the night went?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

She handed me a mouthguard and said "here, you're going to need this" that rough.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Hookup with hot guy from gym, check. Wake up to find he's peed in my closet, double check.

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(585): View more from New York

Here. I am here. I do not know where here is but it includes condom balloons, a keg castle, and a shaved goat. Do not find me...I am in post blackout heaven.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i just saw some one pass a baby through the drive-thru window at dairy queen.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I walked in and she was doing shots, betting the managers if any of the customers would notice, and screaming that nothing would ruin her Saturday night. Say what you want, I like working with my sister.

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(415): View more from California

SEE! I KNEW I HAD A LONG-TERM REASON FOR BEING A SLUT!

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(516): View more from New York

He's been grabbing my ass as a greeting since 2004, sex was overdue

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Im drunk and they're making me play quiet game. Im scared. Baptists are here

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(585): View more from New York

you know its bad when everytime i put on a shirt i think of who i hooked up with in it

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh no it's bring yor chld to work day...I'm too drunk for this

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I saw your arrest video on youtube. you look so thin!

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(352): View more from Florida

we were fucking and all I could think about is how my silly bands were glowing in the dark.

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(845): View more from New York

all a guy has to do is give me sprinkles and cookies and they can get me in bed

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I hope this doesn't become one of those friendships where we dont have sex

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

and i was just like oh shit i'm getting felt up by a 15 year old

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(540): View more from Virginia

Ordered weed last night from the delivery service, and who showed up...my old real estate broker. He said, "this is less stressful." Duh.

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(239): View more from Florida

apparently 20 random guys watched the process of me being carried on a mattress through the dorms

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(406): View more from Montana

he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

You were doing downward dog and puking off my deck at the same time.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you're the only person in the world who masturbates to food network.

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(770): View more from Georgia

my mom just found my flavored lube in the basement. she gave me a lecture about how "giving head is degrading" omg i feel sooooo bad for my dad

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(914): View more from New York

I just peed next to my dog in the yard. Unparalleled forms of bonding going on over here.

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(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

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(561): View more from Florida

I drove to Chevron at noon and the Hatian lady goes "Oh, nothing to drink yet white boy?"

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(305): View more from Florida

once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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(219): View more from Indiana

She finally woke up and said, "Me- nothing, potato peeler- 1." And rolled back over.

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(360): View more from Washington

He wants to call Lloyd's of London and have my mouth insured.

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(516): View more from New York

i have my own cum on my nose right now. don't talk to me about "embarrassed".

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(281): View more from Texas

Dude it was weird. The strippers vagina tasted kind of like your mother's.

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(443): View more from Maryland

His body is like Jesus fingering me while I eat birthday cake

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(609): View more from New Jersey

id like to know how you successfully locked me in your backseat last night

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(469): View more from Texas

Right before we were going to have sex he said it was his "lucky condom" I don't know if that means its used or what.. But I'm freaking out either way.

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(716): View more from New York

she said she was gay. i said prove it. she said "ok i wont fuck you"

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The last thing i remember was high fiving everyone on the planet.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

yeah you're probably right.. i should stop equating love with getting naked on a webcam for him.

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(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

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(757): View more from Virginia

I bruise way too easily for the kind of rough sex I want...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he designed a suit out of pillows to protect himself when he fell.

(410): View more from Maryland

engineering majors are such efficient drunks.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

He took the lighter and said "this is how I give myself a bikini wax."

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(754): View more from Florida

He doesn't fuck you and he's married, why do you keep letting him cum all over your stomach?

(954): View more from Florida

In the hopes he'll just put it in one day?

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(281): View more from Texas

I woke up and he had cut my bangs and put makeup on me.

(979): View more from Texas

I don't care how good they make you look, you've got to stop sleeping with gay guys.

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(253): View more from Washington

he rolled over in his sleep, called me a hoe and then grabbed my crotch. some things never change, asleep or not.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Shut up. It sucks being the ugly friend, I would know, but someones gotta play the role

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I have a ginormous moral hangover. Strip club blues.

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(647): View more from Ontario

hot twin vs twin who's good in bed. why do my life choices same way unfair

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

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(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

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(626): View more from California

in mid cry she says "I can be a whore if I want to"

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(309): View more from Illinois

Dude with the Beatles haircut just got his pilots license and wants to take us up to do a case race mid flight. Don't tell me networking is unnecessary.

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(574): View more from Indiana

he got promoted. that means i have now given my new boss chlaymida. i need a new job.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The cereal milk was almost black, the bacon was still frozen and the toast was soggy. And that was BEFORE I puked in her lap.

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(631): View more from New York

The only piece of furniture in the apartment is a wine rack.

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(917): View more from New York City

It's when I'm in my pajamas and in need of a gin delivery that I miss NYC most of all.

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(512): View more from Texas

I woke up with someone else's vomit on my ass. That's how I'm doing today.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

maddie and i have invented a community puke bowl. explanation later

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(530): View more from California

We were all singing so you said you were going to play a percussion instrument... the crackers.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

She is only going home with him in hopes to give him herpes. She has been plotting some master revenge since 7th grade.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(650): View more from California

We agreed to not shave eyebrows when someone is passed out. douchebag.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I don't understand why everytime I fuck his bestfriend he seems more interested in me...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i have to get rid of the hedgehog.

(765): View more from Indiana

Does it come with a cage?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes. and food and toys.

(765): View more from Indiana

i'll trade you an 8th for it

(201): View more from New Jersey

deal.

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(760): View more from California

when i came out to my mom, it was over brunch. i was eating a banana. not exactly my smartest breakfast choice.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(650): View more from California

she left out the fact that she had a kid until she told me not to suck on her tits too hard or milk would come out.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You layed on my kitchen floor with a pile of m&ms at your crotch, said "your lightbulb don't match, is that one new?"

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(310): View more from California

she screamed"i told you already! counter clockwise spiral and the clockwise spiral!!" right in the middle of sex

(1-310): View more from California

wow, i never thought dating a choreographer would be so harsh

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(815): View more from Illinois

He went down on me and then slapped my ass saying "thanks for the confidence boost"... is this all I'm good for?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

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(310): View more from California

so i made out with some dude last night at the bar. and some girl just stood there and watched. i felt bad so i made out with her too. She looked like she felt left out.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Why hello there Olivia! How are you today on this fine and most wonderful morning full of magic and adventure and awesomeness?

(774): View more from Massachusetts

Someone just got laid.

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(555): View more from

Woke up to a bouquet of flowers in my toilet bowl. Drunk hubby loves me.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(252): View more from North Carolina

its a vaginal recession for me, ill take what i can get

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

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(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

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(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i can't remember the last friday i didn't spend in the foetal position

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(619): View more from California

Dude. He only had one testicle. It was like his whole package was a Muppet Show character coming at me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Even after projectile vomiting watermelon on the beach, it still sounds appetizing.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i am literally watching eva make a trashbag diaper for you to sleep in tonight. whole new level of low for you.

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(716): View more from New York

kinda considering buying a life alert for sophmore year

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just woke up with three stitches in my left boob. Nevertheless, I think I'm going to like this school.

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(702): View more from Nevada

What?? I'm covered in blood at the hospital, I atleast deserve a pic of someones boobs

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(207): View more from Maine

He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.

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(313): View more from Michigan

The pick up line I used was "Grab my sack, you'll be back." Then I winked at her.

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(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

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(702): View more from Nevada

Take your time, they're doing body shots off the dog.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I was literally just a half conscious dildo.

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(434): View more from Virginia

At a pool hall. Dudes walkin around with fuzzy handcuffs cuffed to his belt. The douche bag level grows higher still

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(520): View more from Arizona

In Denver there are more bars per capita than any other city also the healthiest city. That means lots of drunk girls and no fatties.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

We have a drunk bartender with her nips a quarter inch from bein out buying us shots. GET HERE.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You just said the magic words

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

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(518): View more from New York

i never thought it was possible to fit gay, redneck and asian into the same sentence before i met you.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

and this wasn't even the first one i'd hooked up with

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(360): View more from Washington

super high. so of course there was a shoot out at the bank. there are 20 cop cars no lie. if i make it out of this i will never smoke again

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(845): View more from New York

I am so hungover and cant move but craving a Wendys frosty so bad. I might have to watch 2 girls 1 cup just to settle the urge

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(913): View more from Kansas

What's the most polite way to ask if you puked in my vase?

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just washed champagne and tuna off my body. I feel like that was a successful shower.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

how are you not completely traumatized after 8 years of friendship with me?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

She had a boyfriend but was all over this drunk guy that she just met..she said she loved him and then puked all over him.

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(905): View more from Ontario

her face looked like how i feel after Taco Bell

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Nothing says "get your life together" better than waking up in a tub full of your own vomit. Twice. In one night.

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(916): View more from California

Out of ice. Vodka+club soda+cut up lime popscicle=I'm an alcoholic genius.

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(309): View more from Illinois

why do you have a stuffed bear wearing a thong and a seatbelt in your backseat??

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(713): View more from Texas

I'm beginning to think I'm sterile because I definitely should be pregnant by now.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

He told me to pick a safe word. I said 'cactus' and he said I wasn't taking this seriously and that I wasn't cut out for s&m.

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(+49): View more from Germany

They asked if I wanted to shotgun a beer and before i could ask who had a knife they all had bit holes into the cans. Im never leaving Germany!

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He posted a picture of my bra on facebook with the caption "I don't know who I hooked up with last night but if this is yours please come pick it up".

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Life is so much better when you know you're gonna get laid soon.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

this dude just took some girl under your house for half an hour. you may have helped a 17 year old fuck on the beach for the first time. congrats.

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(954): View more from Florida

i caught the condom in my mouth.. dont ask me how

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(330): View more from Ohio

My cousin had a baby so we have to look at it. Apparently the event is byob

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

they ran out of ice so they are using frozen shrimp in their drinks

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I turned down free cocaine. I both respect and regret and that decision.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

his profile picture is a blurry one of him holding a beer. i recognized him instantly.

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(408): View more from California

You are missing out on the best boobs in town right now

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(817): View more from Texas

Woke up on the floor holding a sandwich. Shots. Never again.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(847): View more from Illinois

yeah i fucked her in the storage room on the inflatable mattress. i don't know if i should feel proud for me or bad for her.

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(817): View more from Texas

Ok, so for future reference, in Rome, "piano bar" means "brothel".

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He was sitting cross legged outside his tent repeatedly hitting the ground with a hammer and shouting 'this.is.a.good.idea.'

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(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

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(631): View more from New York

Bro, i just sang journey's "dont stop beleavin" at mcdonalds. and the guy was sooo impressed he gave us free food. God i love america

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(561): View more from Florida

My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.

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(310): View more from California

So they discontinued the hummer... Now people will have to go door to door to let others know they're assholes

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(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

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(260): View more from Indiana

Well if I fail my finals for being drunk on Cinco De Mayo there is always next year to graduate.

(219): View more from Indiana

You said that last year...

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(303): View more from Colorado

i saw a stretcher and literally ran around for 10 minutes telling people it wasnt for me

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(269): View more from Michigan

I was just handed a mimosa the size of my head. Stay tuned.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was passed out on the couch, she literally cut my boxers off with a 8" chef's knife and had her way with me.

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(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

The lack of pants and amount of productivity in my life right now is amazing.

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(740): View more from Ohio

its mom's weekend..did we need to couger proof the apt?

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(714): View more from California

so exactly how many freshman chicks did i tell to call me "the tripod"?

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ordered my mom Mother's Day flowers online and moved on to internet porn. Do you think this is some sort of Freudian slip?

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(443): View more from Maryland

My #1 goal this summer is to get drunk at olive garden

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(703): View more from Virginia

then he said "your boobs looked so much bigger on girls gone wild"

(773): View more from Illinois

I forgot about that,good spring break.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

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(614): View more from Ohio

he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.

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(513): View more from Ohio

So one buddy got tackled at the urinals by national guard members and was arrested. Another had sex in a port o potty with possibly the drunkest girl I've ever encountered. The rest of us blacked out and won a few bets. So yes, the derby did meet our expectations.

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(813): View more from Florida

So there is a guy driving a robot around the college of engineering selling energy drinks

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We woke up, fucked, and shared a piece of my sister's first communion cake for breakfast.

(1-401): View more from Rhode Island

And you thought you were going to hell last weekend.

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(954): View more from Florida

I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You are the patron saint of my drinking problem.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(480): View more from Arizona

Too bad my thesis topic isn't "defining a hot mess: a study in drinking, smoking and other bad life decisions."

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

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(703): View more from Virginia

Whoever said that a man can only cum up to 8 times a day is a fucking liar...or was never on adderall

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Is it appropriate to get drunk, stand up at the wedding and make a toast to "the time the lovely bride asked me to come on her chest"?

(636): View more from Missouri

our generation is not ready to get married

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(602): View more from Arizona

I just wished the taco bell drive thru guy a happy cinco de mayo. Who says arizonians hate mexicans?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Bad idea pregaming graduation.... she just threw up before walking across the stage... i'm gonna miss this

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

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(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

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(904): View more from Florida

Well ya in hindsight obviously offering the cop a jello shot was a bad idea

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(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(940): View more from Texas

The bar I'm at just passed out smores to everyone. I don't know what it has to do with cinco de mayo but I'm down.

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(281): View more from Texas

FYI : beer farts in the morning chase women right out of bed!

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(973): View more from New Jersey

grab my backpack.....its in the fridge

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(858): View more from California

Kinda felt bad though cuz she whimpered and shuttered a lot, i felt like i was kicking a puppy, only the puppy liked it and came a bunch

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(404): View more from Georgia

Not only do I have sand in my ass, but a crab pinched me while we were fucking. Still totally worth it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Just passed on a threesome. I'm too old for that kind of morning after.

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(352): View more from Florida

Just dominated the men's bathroom at work. Sounded like the intro of a death metal song.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Ive been sitting around naked watching magic on youtube.

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(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in front of the mirror eating cereal and pondering how my boobs got so big

(720): View more from Colorado

Welcome to my life

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(850): View more from Florida

some people wear their heart on their sleeve but you just wear your vagina on your face.

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(970): View more from Colorado

the vast amounts of cleavage i'm sporting to my final says "no, I didn't study but don't worry I've got something lined up for when I don't graduate".

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(630): View more from Illinois

He's coming over tonight...I really wish I didn't have my period right now...

(708): View more from Illinois

I believe I'm witnessing the first time ever that you wished your period would NOT come....

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i just sold back the books i vomitted on

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(307): View more from Wyoming

you know you made it when your beer pong table is made from imported italian hardwood

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

just heard a tri-delta girl talking about her drunken escapades last weekend...it's like the exact plotline to a hardcore porno.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He said I taste like butterscotch, licked me, then I'm pretty sure he wet his pants. So no, I do not want to invite him over.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just used a box of cheese-its to get into the bar

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

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(740): View more from Ohio

id like to point out that while i was just peeing a condom fell out of my vag.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(845): View more from New York

hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You hit on the cop telling him you were celebrating the anniversary of your 21st birthday and ur boob job... That's how he got ur #

(816): View more from Missouri

ah tequila...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(708): View more from Illinois

We are the drunkest people in Toys R' Us right now

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(845): View more from New York

its like she was born with a silver dick in her mouth

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(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

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(646): View more from New York

He got so drunk that he tried hitting on a girl using nothing but his Samuel L. Jackson soundboard application on his Iphone

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Its the little things i like about bein home like having actual toilet paper instead of subway napkins

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(214): View more from Texas

herpes texted me again. he says he wants my vagina.

(1-214): View more from Texas

ok we should really consider changing this guys nickname...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm proud of our boobs and what they could potentially achieve in life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.

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(517): View more from Michigan

You know what is really helpful - when the two guys you want to fuck stand next to each other. Stay tuned for who wins

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(319): View more from Iowa

I sent the random girl I had sex with last night a 'happy mothers day' text as a reminder to get the morning after pill.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

This guy in church just had a prayer request to help him get through his hangover. He is my new hero.

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(757): View more from Virginia

you handed me your bra at the bar and said 'hold my purse'

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(850): View more from Florida

Please fuck him. And then let me tell her. And then let me protect you from the knife she pulls from her Ed Hardy purse. Please.

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(503): View more from Oregon

my mom just asked me, concerned, if I swallowed.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Where else am I to apply my creativity?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

I don't know. Anywhere productive and not involving sex toys would be a start.

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(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

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(703): View more from Virginia

You had already cockblocked me. The cops were just an assist.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

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(404): View more from Georgia

You know you hit rock bottom when you make out with a guy named after a cereal.

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(512): View more from Texas

dude my 8 year old cousin is allowed to drink wine coolers. as long as its infront of my aunt. wtf

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just overheard a conversation that ended in "and that's what I learned in France" How could that not have been about sex

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(416): View more from Toronto

She can't drink and she can't smoke weed. She might as well be dead to me.

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(714): View more from California

I am literally too baked to press the call button. How am I supposed to bone him?

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(847): View more from Illinois

but he used his one phone call to call mom and wish her happy mothers day, that's gotta count for somethin

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(586): View more from Michigan

Its mothers day and I have choke marks around my neck. Thanks for that.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

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(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

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(817): View more from Texas

how do i tell him I'm always in the mood without sounding like a slut?

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(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

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(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

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(571): View more from Virginia

All the walks of shame were condensed into the hour before parents started showing up. Move out day is so bittersweet

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

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(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(256): View more from Alabama

I feel so grown up. I just went to home depot to buy actual home improvement supplies instead of stuff to make a bong with.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Ran into that hot funeral director in the bar two days after the wake. pretty sure we drunk made out.

(815): View more from Illinois

Grandpa would have been proud

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It was the gentlest way I could hit on a girl who just got hit by a car

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(315): View more from New York

i've already watched her fall off the steps, walk up on our porch and try to dance with the dog, and stumble across the street to stand outside the neighbors window...is it taking it too far to watch this rando girl and some guy have sex behind our parking lot now?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I want to tell you about my weekend in person so I can see your look of judgement and disgust.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(913): View more from Kansas

so she sprained her ankle somehow and her friend had to carry her out while all 7 of us watched. do we even need to vote on that or is that automatic induction into the hall of shame?

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(757): View more from Virginia

it appears as though my vagina has gotten the best of me again

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(760): View more from California

i think the date started going downhill when i mentioned how many therapists i have

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(914): View more from New York

Just used a champagne bottle to outline a trigonometric circle for math 104.. should i give up on life now or later?

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(845): View more from New York

he nicknamed his dick "too big to fail"

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(970): View more from Colorado

Graduating is kinda bittersweet. Now I'm gonna have to find another excuse to day-drink and sleep until 3pm besides "I'm in college."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Is it creepy to message a girl and say you had me at stocked liquor cabinet?

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

doing lines of blow through a tampon applicator in the study lounge at 7am so i can finish an italian composition that was due a week and a half ago...such a good student.

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(817): View more from Texas

just bailed mom out of jail. Tell me i'm not the favorite child

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(540): View more from Virginia

She was singing my heart will go on into her barf bag. celine aint got shit on her.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is it a bad thing I remember to take my birth control when I stumble across guys I've had sex with on facebook?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

dude, seriously he just sucked the milk out of the dogs breast and swallowed it... for $20, wtf....?

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(205): View more from Alabama

The hot Japanese girl in my class just said her "favorite sexy American actor is Nick Cage." That, I can work with.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(469): View more from Texas

I put so much effort into my vagina today. If i don't get laid tonight I'm gonna be pissed.

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(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I remember saying "sorry" to the blunt before throwing it out the window

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(302): View more from Delaware

dude I heard her through my door. She sounded like you were holding her head under water and they letting her up for air. I recorded that shit

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(323): View more from California

Why am I getting the stink eye from these people? They're acting like BYOB isn't kosher in a laundromat.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

dude, when you're random girl from last night came down the stairs this morning she fell all the way down. I laughed. She just walked out. I hope shes ok. Tell her I give her a 10 for that landing though.

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

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(408): View more from California

Had a couple pieces of pizza for breakfast...suck on that Jamie Oliver.

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(631): View more from New York

she passed on me to fuck the foreign guy. is there a manlier, slightly less gay way of saying "always the bridesmaid, never the bride"?

(516): View more from New York

nope.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(308): View more from Nebraska

i regret nothing . he quoted dr. suess . he deserved that bj .

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(254): View more from Texas

I made $300 today by selling pizza @ $4 a slice to nerds who refuse to leave the library. God I love finals time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

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(813): View more from Florida

God dammit, you have a cape and I don't even have a fucking jacket.

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(905): View more from Ontario

Tonight we are playing Scuba-Keg. Getting keg now. I'll explain when i get home.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Two girls are doing the worm relatively well on the bar floor after the fact I just saw one puke in the trash

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.

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(315): View more from New York

Her brother walked in on her giving me a bj and just laughed. I got a highfive before I left.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I need to stop sleeping with republicans and cowboys fans.

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(540): View more from Virginia

That was the scariest sex i've ever heard....

(1-540): View more from Virginia

It was the best sex i've ever had.

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(425): View more from Washington

Dear drunk me, don't shave my balls til you're sober. My junk looks like a pomeranian with mange.

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(812): View more from Indiana

through my window right now you can see the hot chick next door is standing BUTT ASS NAKED eating peanut butter off a knife.

(847): View more from Illinois

ill be there in 5.

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(785): View more from Kansas

We saw a kid playing in poison ivy. We walked away, he'll learn his lesson.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

There's been so much talk around your vagina it's like a local celebrity

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(708): View more from Illinois

I realized i make the same noise when i get a blow job as when i eat pizza

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(850): View more from Florida

You had sex with him even after he literally described himself as a "coldplay guy"? There's a line you just don't cross. There is a line.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it bad that on the course evaluation it said "do you normally try harder than other students in class" and i circled "absolutely false"?

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(515): View more from Iowa

Did she have bad breath? Bad breath makes you think of all the bad things in the world

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(816): View more from Missouri

Definitely got drunk and sent her a literal picture of my asshole. I titled it " you"

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(765): View more from Indiana

just saw the guy i hooked up with last nights' face on a billboard. win.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

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(435): View more from Utah

Doctor took one look at my penis and said, 'you don't have herpes, you just masturbate too much'

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(845): View more from New York

They only remember me when they're drunk...I'm like a suppressed memory.

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(817): View more from Texas

My grandma just told me that she sharted, no I am not having fun in El Paso.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

My professor just gave everyone in the class extra credit... except for the kid wearing the Cubs hat

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(480): View more from Arizona

Checked out the free sonogram van on campus and got a free DVD of my sweet food baby.

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(713): View more from Texas

splinters make it hard to masturbate

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing quite says America like barbecue and beer at 9 in the morning.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm at the cafe. It's 7am. There is a girl I don't know on my futon who tried to tickle me this morning when I got down from my loft. I also not wearing any underwear.

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(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Party at my house. Liquor pinata. Your presence is required.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I'm talking like I woke up and her bra was spinning around caught on my ceiling fan

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(805): View more from California

My grandma paid her handyman in pain killers. I now know why this is in my genes

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(312): View more from Illinois

Wouldn't pinatas filled with coke be awesome idea for cinco de mayo?

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(512): View more from Texas

My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My favorite part about you getting arrested is having to explain the prosthetic leg in the front seat.

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(309): View more from Illinois

And whoever invented the condom should be put to death.

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(714): View more from California

She tried to wake me up by touching my dick. I kept pretending to be asleep.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i'm watching the draft and making cookies. how am i still single?

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude pussy is like music. For every person who pays for it, there are thousands more getting it for free.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She was kinda tragic... like a puppy that runs into things. Cute but really stupid. So, yeah, I hit it.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I get a nice feeling when i open my fridge and see it filled with thirty beers and half a leftover jimmy johns pickle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Found him. He was passed out on the couch at the new place in a room full of burnt pizza smoke.

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(314): View more from Missouri

I drove to my yoga class while eating a piece of bacon. Wow. I see myself in a whole new light.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the grocery store, it's 10 am and the woman in front of me just bought 3 boxes of wine. She turned around and told me not to be afraid

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(302): View more from Delaware

I think I am the only girl in the world who would be proud of these scars from rug burn.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's an Captain Planet marathon because of Earth Day. I can't NOT turn this into a drinking game.

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

The Firefighter Games are going to be in Tampa the same weekend I am. I think God is answering my vagina's prayers.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I woke up naked in my own vomit. Not even in my bed. No one is happy.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You get to witness red pubes. I'm almost jealous. That's like my dream.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I could literally track my booty calls if I ever got knocked up by my parking tickets

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Also, just grabbed a bunch of "tuxedo black" condoms. formal, anyone?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He asked me to touch his mustache. Should I go home with him?

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Bars not open yet, I feel like a desperate alcoholic wandering around outside.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We've got 2 weeks of college left-I want to feel like Gary Busey by graduation.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(404): View more from Georgia

So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

You should have been there to see the look on her face when I told her that my dog gives better head than her. It was a beautiful symphony of shock, anger, and disbelief.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

some random kid just walked into our apartment with two cases... I don't know who he is but I like him

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

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(406): View more from Montana

Its weird to pet your cat with a boner

(1-406): View more from Montana

What the fuck?

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(518): View more from New York

and unfortunately for you, hallmark doesnt make a "sorry i was getting a blowie in the backseat of your car while you were driving, projectiled my jizz onto your hand, and caused you to crash" card

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(408): View more from California

Does my status still say I suck cocks? I don't know how to change it

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

no guy is ever going to take you seriously as a potential marriage prospect unless you learn to swallow

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(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I have eleven tally marks and an infinity sign drawn on my wrist in permanent marker. Senior bar crawl stole my liver.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i'm pretty sure i just ruined some dude's romantic riverside sunset proposal by running outside and puking in a bush.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

all they had in the fridge was rum and filled water balloons

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(810): View more from Michigan

The required reading for this week is a paper about birds called great tits. Let's see my TA keep a straight face through this discussion.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Yeaaah, so cabbie laughed at me, and said, "rough nite? Let me find you some music" . apparently OPP is the appropriate ride of shame soundtrack.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

In debating whether or not it's worth getting out of bed and walking 5 feet down the hallway to go to the bathroom before I puke

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(480): View more from Arizona

Boys can't fool me. I know "want to come up and meet my dogs?" is just a nondirect way of saying "come up and meet my penis".

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I intend to get homeless drunk

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(316): View more from Kansas

I think need to divide my DVD collection into "movies I've seen" and "movies I've only seen during sex"

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(807): View more from Ontario

Just used the salt in the bottom of my mcdonalds bag from last night on the eggs i made this morning. Way too hungover for this

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover

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(847): View more from Illinois

Quiet hours sex sucks. I hate finals.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(419): View more from Ohio

So, does it mean i'm loose if he can't even tell when he fell out?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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(513): View more from Ohio

i wanna anger bang this girl behind me at work. she never shuts up with her annoying voice. but her boobs are phenom.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

We've made a drinking game out of how many times the tornado sirens go off. We're good at tornado safety.

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(512): View more from Texas

it was just fiscally responsible to stop going to strip clubs where the strippers recognized me

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(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

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(218): View more from Minnesota

If Bret Micheals dies..will VH1 have to go off the air?

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(626): View more from California

Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

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(314): View more from Missouri

So I'm pretty sure I fucked the dept of homeland security guy on my kitchen table. No recollection of it, but there are signs.

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(450): View more from Quebec

I just got asked if I have a rule for sleeping with people. Like they have to buy me dinner first etc...

(450): View more from Quebec

On that note, do I have a rule?

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(925): View more from California

DO NOT FUCK HIM ON MY BEAN BAG CHAIR

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

11am puke and rally. THIS is what I'm gonna miss about college.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I guess you don't realize how much twelve bags of chips are, until they're all over your floor.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I don't care how hungover you are were not listening to enya

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up at 2 pm to my roommate checking my pulse.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

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(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

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(303): View more from Colorado

It's not weird mascara. I just have puke crusted on my eyelashes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(408): View more from California

i fucked her mom dude

(1-408): View more from California

there's something to tell the kids

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got my period while he was fingering me , I knew it because I never get that wet.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Did u at least say sorry?

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

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(586): View more from Michigan

you puked out of a dead sleep and didnt wake up

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Pretending to care to care about playoffs in exchange for free shots. I'm sorry in advance.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(585): View more from New York

at least 'blackout me' had enough sense to take the puke covered duvet off the comforter.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

stayed up to watch the sunrise..saw an albino taking shots on the quad..it's like there's a whole new world of people out there just waiting to meet us

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(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

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(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

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(564): View more from Washington

I walk in to see her roommate half naked on their stripper pole. I knew I was home.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I took a picture of his ID so i could remember how to spell his last name and facebook stalk him later...I think he saw me do it

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(541): View more from Oregon

This girl is drinking wine and watching grey's anatomy in the library during finals week. I hate comm majors.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

woke up with a used condom shoved in my ear. i officially hate alcohol.

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(518): View more from New York

Yeah, my mom walked in on us. Instead of yelling, she went and hid in the bathroom til we finished. It was pretty classy.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I probably wouldn't hook up with him if I had to deal with more than his penis. i think cumulatively we are up to a minute of actual conversation this week.

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(925): View more from California

his fiance had made him a calendar of pictures of her. he asked if he should take it down and i said no. i wanted her to watch.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

he has officially spend more money on me than any other boy. and its all gone to plan b. awesome.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing makes my dick softer than hot girls in rain boots.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

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(858): View more from California

I looked at her and said "I now pronounce you pumpkin tits"

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(415): View more from California

I have another pimple on my ass cheek.

(420): View more from

I'll be there in 10 minutes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

he said I was the best sex he's ever had, handed me a burger king crown and told me to take my walk of shame with pride

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(551): View more from New Jersey

Fire inspection over. Blunts are OK

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(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

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(503): View more from Oregon

There was an audience eating triscuts and bananas in the bathroom while watching him puke. It was a good birthday.

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(516): View more from New York

Fat spanish girl grinding against air conditioner. ive seen everything now

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

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(313): View more from Michigan

Dude, I found another chunk missing out of my tooth. Fuck drinking on tuesdays.

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(802): View more from Vermont

We stole your phone last night, texted your brother and told him you wanted it up the ass by him. All he said was "I want ur money."

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

The words "my birth control fell out" should never be spoken

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(914): View more from New York

every single kid we've ever known, every single person we've gotten blow jobs from, every single person we've hit home runs with... is at dennys right now

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

got hammered last night, woke up this morning to 38 texts that varied from "you fucking asshole" to "i can be there in 10 minutes"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

No one showed up yet so I smoked 4:20 on chatroulette with a naked chick..

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(248): View more from Michigan

Girl in my class with fire painted on her face. I. need. that. weed.

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(714): View more from California

i was trying to wake him up so i just kept touching his dick

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(208): View more from Idaho

His room was full of guns. It was like having sex with Clint Eastwood.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

so I'm in athletic shorts, a suit jacket and I'm still drunk at 6:30am at the last leg of relay for life

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(519): View more from Ontario

how do i word it so it doesnt sound like im asking him if he has ever been in jail.

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(626): View more from California

a lot of self evaluation comes after you have to clean up a trashcan of your own vomit and condoms

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(330): View more from Ohio

Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Its like I was sleeping with a kid. His gum fell into my hair while sleeping and he just wanted to cuddle.

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(914): View more from New York

yea i guess its safe to say fire extinguishers are not synonymous with whip cream cans

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(973): View more from New Jersey

she was home schooled till college. were she learned how to give the most amazing blowjobs is still a mystery.

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(256): View more from Alabama

from now on when you get up to pee in the middle of the night, check to see if im sleeping in your parking lot.

(334): View more from Alabama

i do.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(314): View more from Missouri

Hes still not moving. At what point does 'hungover' become 'hospital-time?'

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(440): View more from Ohio

We must be getting old. All of our friends are having kids and they aren't illegitimate.

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(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?

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(727): View more from Florida

I got laid because I told her I play guitar. I haven't played in 7 years and only know a G chord. I love this place.

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(845): View more from New York

Just got an Edible Arrangement my parents sent me for my birthday. Time to marinate some fruit in vodka.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(707): View more from California

i don't care what you say, the winery is open and 10am is NOT too early to go barrel tasting

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(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(660): View more from Missouri

Mowing drunk should be an olympic sport...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(443): View more from Maryland

Go for the frenulum. Its like eating a popsicle. They go nuts with that shit.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

there are 2 things i love giving: blowjobs & backrubs. how can i tell them that without sounding like a slut

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Would it be cruel if i sold xanax instead of adderall to freshman unfamiliar to the drug-taking profession?

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(708): View more from Illinois

Our phone convo was getting intense. Then I heard her say "quiet mommy is trying to have phone sex"

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(707): View more from California

He doesn't know I'm infertile yet, that's when the sex gets good

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(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

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(716): View more from New York

the fucking easter bunny is here. he just made 3 cups in a row. no one knows who he is..

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(928): View more from Arizona

We've been fucking since Friday.... This is the most committed non-committed relationship I've ever been in

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(402): View more from Nebraska

She asked me how I live with myself. I told her one night at a time.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

funny how all you have to say is "i'm infertile" and boys are stoked on you

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(954): View more from Florida

you make it seem like sunflower seeds and pinot grigio are not in the food pyramid.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(856): View more from New Jersey

He had in his status he loved beating off and tagged his wife. another reason facebook should be for college.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i cleaned the weed out of my bowl, pretended it was a spoon and ate oatmeal with it. my mom cried

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(425): View more from Washington

Most fantastic sex ever until her Doberman took an interest in what we were doing. There was nothing more terrifying then feeling warm dog breath on my ballsack.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I envy you so much. I get girls who pee on my floor and you get girls who leave in the middle of the night

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(940): View more from Texas

I'm not 100% sure, but I think someone gave me a bath last night...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

My porch is a mess of peanut butter and tostitos...thanks for that.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

so, is "hi, did i take your virginity six years ago and never call afterwards?" an appropriate greeting in a bar?

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(240): View more from Maryland

today is monday, i feel like we should do something illegal

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(831): View more from California

I wanna tell red shirt guy I'm pregnant and use the abortion money for Coachella.

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(571): View more from Virginia

next time the cops show up in riot gear we should probably leave

(703): View more from Virginia

and miss being on the news....no way

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i ran around the party telling everyone that my favorite sexual position was also the only position that made me queef...i kept calling it the "double edged sword"

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(410): View more from Maryland

we had you propped up in a chair and fed you donuts. i've never seen you happier

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(234): View more from Ohio

if we break up, who will get the dealer?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in the gym riding the bicycle while watching baseball and dipping.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just delivered a ham and cheese to a strip club. you were right this job is not that bad

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm sorry you missed class, the topic today is copy and paste. I'm not even kidding.

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(415): View more from California

It's going to be nice going to the airport without drugs taped to my balls like last year.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

The lawn was on fire, but I fixed it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

For his 21st I'm getting a fancy hotel that way he can at least sleep in a nice bathtub

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Since when does a beard not count as proof of age at the liquor store?

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(240): View more from Maryland

I am like king midas for the gay community. everything I touch turns into a lesbian.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(909): View more from California

and i do it all in one night. I'm like santa but a whore.

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(214): View more from Texas

I am sitting on the floor by my oven watching my cookie dough blossom. This is a whole new level of fat

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(903): View more from Texas

How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(706): View more from Georgia

He told us that was the only place he could get service when we found him in the closet passed out with a beer

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(765): View more from Indiana

He bought me flowers. The card with it said: Sorry I cant get you off. I will try harder.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

there's a sign at taco bell and it says "bacon and ranch make everything better." it speaks to me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

She never called back. Financed a fleshlight.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

It was an igloo shaped doghouse, I was obligated to hotbox it

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(647): View more from Ontario

They had a "who can aim further away from the toilet" contest. I'm now washing piss off my ceiling.

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(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just jerked off and used a stopwatch to track my results. Pretty depressing on multiple fronts.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.

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(858): View more from California

There are no words to adequately express my gratitude for sending me porn you found staring a former classmate.

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(+47): View more from Norway

I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

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(815): View more from Illinois

I've grown up since last year. I don't give blow jobs as birthday presents anymore.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i only understood the part that said mucho orgasmos

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(518): View more from New York

his Mom's staying with him so he asked if I'd go over and fuck in his shed. he said "it's a really nice shed"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

my parents are out trying to convince the local liquor stores to post "do not sell our daughter alcohol" flyers. i'm preping my defense now.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just sneezed and had an orgasam..THAT turned on

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Operation Purity has been aborted

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(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just dropped my bong into 7 pieces, and carried the glass shards around my house. dad saw the blood dripping down my arms, and asked if i slit my wrists. way too high to laugh at this.

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(925): View more from California

I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just made a 90's Nickelodeon TV theme song power hour mix...I don't want to build it up but your head might explode

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(810): View more from Michigan

woke up in a garbage bag. literally. it was used as a sleeping bag.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(540): View more from Virginia

just heard someone say they saw a guy puke while riding a bike across campus without stopping

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(386): View more from Florida

Don't ask how, but I'm pretty sure my name is now on a lease to a taco bell franchise in maryland...

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(315): View more from New York

The mystery has been solved. Seagulls have sex doggy-style.

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(516): View more from New York

I love seeing you outside of a bar. It's like seeing a dog walk on its hind legs

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(204): View more from Manitoba

they found her hiding behind the couch trying to feed a cabbage patch doll a bottle of tequila. please tell me she's on birth control.

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(818): View more from California

I love how I just got my coachella ticket and ecstasy in a package deal.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

When she can manipulate the direction of her leg hair, you know its time to leave

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(720): View more from Colorado

You know... If I put the same amount of effort into school as I put into giving women orgasms I would be a Rhodes scholar

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(908): View more from New Jersey

don't you miss freshman year when you could get away with "but i've never given a bj before..."

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(804): View more from Virginia

Going to pass out with da shoes on. hugging wallstreet journal from tuesday. please check me for liveliness in the morning.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Just took a celebratory "i havent slept with anyone in this bar" shot. yesssss....

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

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(419): View more from Ohio

Just did free shots of tequila at a walmart. Hello Mexico

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(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

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(707): View more from California

I fucked my boyfriend 15 minutes before my pap test. My gyno probably thinks I hate her.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I probably should have cut it off when he started putting queso on my nipples, but within ten minutes I was a self-serve burrito bar.

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(917): View more from New York City

Crisis Situation. How do you have that "we probably shouldn't make out tonight cause i've got an oral herpes outbreak coming on" conversation on a third date.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He's paying me $45 to clean his room and $55 if i find the oxy that he lost.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I'd say this is worse than that time when I realized that my favorite bath toy growing up was my Mom's douche bottle.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

So I think I just got a job offer from the guy I used to blow. See, networking pays off.

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(813): View more from Florida

so we started it doggy style, but since we were really drunk kinda fell to the side and turned into a 'lazy dog'... my new favorite position btw

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(831): View more from California

i came out of my blackout when my grandma called last night. it kinda sobered me up and i realized who i had been making out with. should i call and thank her for the defensive cockblock?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i just made a "things you cannot forget to do this week just because you're high" list.

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(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

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(330): View more from Ohio

im trying not to drink and cry in the same night anymore. i'll let you know how it goes

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(512): View more from Texas

I just ate a whole bag of celery instead of getting up to get a glass of water. That high.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I just saw a guy in front of the courthouse giving himself a sobriety test and fail it...this can't end well

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(519): View more from Ontario

I didn't know it was possible to make picking up dog shit look sexy.

(519): View more from Ontario

She did the bend and snap...

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(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't wait until weight watchers comes out with a beer

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(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

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(516): View more from New York

She introduced herself and then asked "have you ever fucked a girl with a cast?"

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So I purposely left a bunch of metal in my pockets so that the smokin hot TSA officer would give me a pat down. Airport security just got fun

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Hey, don't feel sorry for me, the two girls in front of me just ordered 18 dollars worth of taco bell. Life could be worse.

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(616): View more from Michigan

our landlord thinks we're weird & alcoholics. he came in to fix our broken tub and saw the laundry door on our table for beer pong, the garbage bag full of empty fifths, and that one armed baby on the doorstep. plus he saw us swimming and yargging in our pirate pool that one time.

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(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

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(703): View more from Virginia

The KFC double down is way too much for a drunk. He was just staring at it in awe.

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(714): View more from California

we can't become the bulimic house in the complex dude. Besides, you need teeth for your career.

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(512): View more from Texas

He gave Paula abdoul a run for her crazy

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(319): View more from Iowa

just witnessed some guy trade his friend $5 and a condom for his keys.

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(614): View more from Ohio

trust me, there is no more disappointing feeling in the world than waking up at 4 in the morning with a random half naked chick in your bed and then realizing your roommates girlfriend just wandered into the wrong room.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

There's a level of bonding between people at the liquor store at 10:30 in the morning that's unrivaled

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(740): View more from Ohio

Yeah I'm buying him lunch right now because I shot him with the fire extinguisher last night

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(714): View more from California

So, after having sex with my 4th overweight girl in 2 weeks, I've decided Charlie Sheen syndrome is ruining my life.

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(469): View more from Texas

Hungover Fun Fact #4: Eating a grilled stuffed burrito WILL make you blow chunks in the ice maker at work.

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(214): View more from Texas

Just saw a guy doing jumping jacks at the gym. I don't even have to create a punch line for that

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(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

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(770): View more from Georgia

theyre selling pepper spray in the courtyard. hellooo atl

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(204): View more from Manitoba

some guy just walked up to the bench i was on, backflipped off of it, gave me his number and walked away....i love this city

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(214): View more from Texas

Thanks for stealing lime trees for me at 4:00 am. We're well on our way to having sustainable supplies for mojitos this summer.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Everyone was high fiveing on their a walks of shame home. God im gonna miss college life

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(561): View more from Florida

Just had sex in the basement of the library... I knew I was paying $120,000 for something more than a law degree

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(309): View more from Illinois

i need to know the scientific term for a guy's taint so i can explain what i did last night.

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(941): View more from Florida

My mom asked me to donate my child hood stuffed animals to the poor then I realized I was hiding liquor behind them. I told her I was too attached to them. She understood. Wrong in so many ways.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

she was carrying the quesadilla around the bar like a security blanket

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Showering in the handicapped shower. Im THAT hungover.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Woke up to sesame street reruns and a $62 pizza bill. Never again. I mean it this time.

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(330): View more from Ohio

theres always time to masturbate. my grandpa taught me that.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm sitting in class drinking a forty out of a paper bag. No ones said anything yet. I think my professor is trying to ignore me. Better start yelling louder.

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(480): View more from Arizona

He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.

(602): View more from Arizona

Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?

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(619): View more from California

His shopping cart was nothing but malt liquor and zucchini.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Just scheduled a cocaine deal around my drug counsler appointment. Why yes, thank you, I do enjoy the irony that is my life.

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(517): View more from Michigan

The Masters... another excuse to excessivly start drinking by 1

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(631): View more from New York

this bucketlist has just become an excuse for me to be slutty, and i'm not even ashamed

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(586): View more from Michigan

You guys need to stop introducing me as "the girl you shared"

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(216): View more from Ohio

i was calling myself "cat the lion" and tried eating the computer mouse because i thought it was "my prey"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

his dick got so hard in his pants and it broke his zipper

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I need to remember that good judgment goes out the window after the 7th shot and the 3rd Lady GaGa song.

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(425): View more from Washington

i'm considering texting him with "i'm leaving the country for a year, wanna fuck?"

(206): View more from Washington

do it. it's every man's dream.

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(650): View more from California

I was so hungover that I had to stop in the middle of the game and throw up. The fans cheered.

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(646): View more from New York

He was wearing a Knicks jersey I had to go home with him. it was a rough season.

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(917): View more from New York City

found a pic of my little bro & his girl naked. he got the brains and the huge junk gene. I hate him

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

terrible decisions. terrible terrible terrible decisions.

(1-610): View more from Pennsylvania

who'd you have sex with.

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(305): View more from Florida

I know this is weird, but can you ask your girlfriend if she has my mailbox?

(1-305): View more from Florida

Seriously?

(305): View more from Florida

100%

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(501): View more from Arkansas

He was passed out on the floor holding a beer can, rolled over switched hands and never spilled a drop. We need to practice.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Drunk on an escalator. I fell like 15 flights of stairs without actually moving more than 5 feet.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

How do you tell someone they are only invited if they put out?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I told him we couldn't have sex because I was ovulating and "I come from fertile people."

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(518): View more from New York

idk if its the weather or the "im still drunk" or the morning sex i just had with my roommates gf but that was def the most enjoyable walk in the rain ever

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(770): View more from Georgia

i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.

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(903): View more from Texas

The freshman came home at 9 this morning with one heel, no pants, and a strangers sweatshirt covered in tequila-scented vomit. I think we're done corrupting her for a while.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

So what if i ate it off the ground. Its like i found a five dollar bill just laying there, in burrito form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Her best friend sent her a random hate text and the song they played at her father's funeral came on the radio. I just got cock blocked by the universe

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Dude, we somehow need to leave discretely with the toilet brush.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

He said he had to make up a lie of why he couldnt sleep with her. It must really suck to have a sunburned dick.

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(718): View more from New York

At the bar dressed as a taco. not a typo. Come down.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she woke up, said "please dont tell me your name, i dont want to remember it"

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I'm at the casino and some dude apparently has money in an entire row of slot machines. Its like watching a really intense adult version of wack a mole

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(416): View more from Toronto

Throw up on the ground, people dancing to loud Bollywood music, seats literally missing. Fuck I hate public transit

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just got a 45 minute blow job...she literally sucked the single life outta me.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

u sound so gay right now

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(330): View more from Ohio

Dude has a bag of wine attached to his belt. These guys don't fuck around.

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(206): View more from Washington

I have started doing my homework in bars. It just feels right.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

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(786): View more from Florida

All I remember was the chick screaming "don't hookup with him! His dick's the size of a cucumber"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I just puked in a penis shaped cake pan. I've hit an all new low for a Tuesday.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(317): View more from Indiana

he legitimately fell asleep standing up at the club. everyone was impressed

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(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

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(410): View more from Maryland

I don't know if this beer pong partnership can last if you refuse to look me in the eye when we make sweet sweet clutch cup at the same time.

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(305): View more from Florida

we went to the store to buy cookie dough and conditionally went straight towards the booze

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(+82): View more from

I'm not saying he has herpes, I'm just saying he slept with my friend that has herpes.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i just had to wipe vomit off my fone to text you. yeah that hungover.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Would it be inappropriate to do lines in front of the cable guy?

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(607): View more from New York

she wants me to meet her parents and she hasn't even met my penis yet.

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(419): View more from Ohio

vegan vag taste different. and not a good different

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(281): View more from Texas

Thanks for getting me home last night.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

No worries. I'll always be there for you, just like Mufasa.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I hate drunken dyslexia, i thought she said "someone to do" not "something to do" long story short i now have a restraining order.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I saw a girl walking around campus with bandages on both her knees. I need to get her number.

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(925): View more from California

Sitting next to a retarded hot married man on the plane, I got 6.5 hrs to homewreck this shit.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

so i turned around to do some reverse cowgirl when he said that this was such a better visual for him. Bad compliment or serious insult. i cant tell

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(417): View more from Missouri

I think I'm going to inject the gummy vitamins with vodka

(479): View more from Arkansas

I'm glad you're using your medical degree for some good for once

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

What do you mean when you say no pre-party sex?

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(541): View more from Oregon

he told me he once ran a blackmarket liquor store out of his house. thats all it took for me to go home with him

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(760): View more from California

so literally, as soon as i tripped and fell and hit the floor the earthquake started. hows THAT for a self esteem boost?

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

i recognized the place by the puke stain i left on the pool table when i hooked up with his roommate.

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(303): View more from Colorado

We told the pizza man that the door was most likely unlocked, he could leave the pizza on the counter and give himself 20%. He did it-I'm never moving out of Aspen.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(438): View more from Quebec

that's almost as bad as that time i almost ashed in a baby carriage

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(712): View more from Iowa

Why would he get rid of a girl with no gag reflex? I don't get it.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I just realized I use Twitter to keep of track of when I get drunk.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she came to the game with a camelback filled with booze. except it was only the bag part so she duct taped to her back

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(213): View more from California

I think his glow in the dark Star Wars sheets, at the time, really turned me on.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

easter eggs filled with ecstasy. it's what jesus would do.

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(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

no more everclear, i just stood next to the toilet and peed my pants. then went back to the party soaking wet.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I just gave some chick my debit card to put in the jukebox. She better put out.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Mother nature decided I wasn't going to be a whore today. Fuck her.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

So many tools at one table, you'd enjoy my italian family

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just ate a cashew that looked EXACTLY like your dick.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I left my toothbrush at her house. This is getting way too serious for me.

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(561): View more from Florida

george bush was a better president for first pitches than barack obama. there. i said it.

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(559): View more from California

I queefed so loud it echoed.

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(214): View more from Texas

How many times can you lose to your mom in beer pong before you can no longer show your face around campus?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Just downloaded the entire Justin Bieber album sober.. I think you know how I'm doing.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Being college poor has reached a new low. I am giving up on masturbating so i can save money on toilet paper

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i feel like my life is a cheap remake of American Pie

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I just told a dude I hooked up with last night he was the pick of the litter.

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(818): View more from California

im pretty sure all they do is fuck. and talk in baby talk. its two babys fucking basically.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No mine's bigger. It just looks smaller because I'm drunk

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(519): View more from Ontario

I have a critically important question to ask.

(519): View more from Ontario

Why does watermelon-flavoured candy exist?

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(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Banged a lazy eyed chick last night. It was like fucking an iguana.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(914): View more from New York

I sent out a mass text that said "margaritas for Jesus?" and nobody responded, worst Easter ever.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"

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(317): View more from Indiana

Dude also, my grandma got me condoms for easter and kind of winked. I don't know what to think

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(817): View more from Texas

yup. cregs moms pubic hair is still glued to the celing

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(989): View more from Michigan

I am waking up at 7am to go to church with him and his family... I better get eaten out tonight.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

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(954): View more from Florida

thank god dogs can't talk. they see way to much.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so im decorating easter eggs with my family and my mom is writing "Jesus is risen" and "God loves you!" on the eggs. i wrote things like "I'm naked!" and "there are drugs in these eggs!" on mine.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

headbutted the bartender, tried to bite the bouncer, and pissed on a cops shoes. and i still got laid. god, it's good to be home

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(720): View more from Colorado

It makes me feel uncomfortable and unsafe when he licks my pants

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(417): View more from Missouri

My niece just threw up all over me. My sister's breastmilk was on my face. This is like a fucked-up porno gone terribly wrong.

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(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm pretty sure you can't just waltz into a walk in clinic and ask them to de-baby you.

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(516): View more from New York

We met on a dual walk of shame. It has to be love, we can't let that go to waste. I want to tell our children that story.

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(845): View more from New York

So Ive been fucking her for the past couple months and i just found our that my grandfather and her grandmother were fuck buddies for a while. I feel like this is a new awesome family tradition that skips a generation.

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(229): View more from Georgia

please explain to me why there is a shopping cart in my living room.

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(310): View more from California

someone should tell her that easter eggs aren't meant to be dildos.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(912): View more from Georgia

It's not kidnapping if it's romantic

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(308): View more from Nebraska

I don't want her to kill herself before she gets over me, getting mentioned in a suicide note isn't very fly.

(402): View more from Nebraska

but it's kind of a high honor.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

he calls his bong barack obonga, commander in kief. i found where i belong.

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(720): View more from Colorado

she was giving me head and that cheryl crow 'youre favorite mistake' song came on. she looks up and all i could do was nod

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(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he walked in on you at the party drunkenly dancing alone on the bed wearing mardi gras beads, sunglasses, and using one ski pole as a microphone.... and you STILL got laid. i dont get your life.

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(530): View more from California

Its 11am everyones wasted wearing sombreros and eating fresh produce..cesar chavez would be very proud

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(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

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(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just saw two girls doing a walk of shame together. Slut bonding at it's best.

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(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just added 'steal mom's xanax' to my to do list for when I go home for Easter.

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(214): View more from Texas

Was finally able to jerk off without the motion giving me a migraine. Think my hangover's getting better.

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(516): View more from New York

sorry for covering your dog in whipped cream. his bark made it sound like he wanted it.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Remember in school when they told us our vag was made just the right size for our future husband? I must say I am enjoying trying to find that perfect fit.

(416): View more from Toronto

Using your Catholic School education as an excuse for this? Why didn't I think of that?!

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Ive given up on my natural charms. Im trying different accents till some girl wants to hook up with me.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What happened?....

(304): View more from West Virginia

He lifted up the blanket, and whispered "Don't do it" to his sperm....

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I went to the bathroom like 8 times and each time I looked in the mirror and tried saying "I am sober." I burst out laughing when I got to "so-" every time. If you can't convince yourself, you can't convince anyone else. Fuck it, I'm going upstairs and drinking more.

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

You make your fellow Jews happy.

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(314): View more from Missouri

What? Cold floors are soothing when you have a hangover. How am I supposed to pass that up. Even if I'm at my parents house

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(630): View more from Illinois

Nobody is wearing shirts anymore. What is happening.

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(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

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(801): View more from Utah

He said he had a gf but the monogamy was "only implied".

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(786): View more from Florida

I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.

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(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

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(802): View more from Vermont

I may also break bread with strippers. Because it is passover.

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just got the orientation leader spot. For the first two days, I will be one of the best looking guys on campus. The freshman girls will be so disappointed they settled for me when everyone else comes back.

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(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

I should have kept drinking, a coma can't be as bad as this hangover

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(631): View more from New York

life is sad when you just turned 21 and youre doing late night rogaine runs...

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(631): View more from New York

It's official. Every single female in their late teens and early 20s get their fb statuses from a pool of cliched "quotes" which all say, without saying, "boys treat me like shit, I know they do, but one day I'll find 'the guy' who will treat me right no matter how psychotic I am." Vom.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

I think call of duty has replaced my masturbating. And I'm alright with that.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i just heard her through the wall saying "not on my face! NOT on my face!" then a scream and "I SAID NOT ON MY FACE!!!"...nice work dude.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(646): View more from New York

it's like your virginity...sometimes you have to pretend like it's still there

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I think the boy in my gender studies class cried when 90% of the girls said they had faked an orgasm

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(908): View more from New Jersey

and apparently i was drunk enough to follow up with "I'd let me touch your boobs" ... not my best line.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(760): View more from California

She used my dick as a microphone to sing "any way you want it" I'm in love.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Nothing like studying in the College of Communication to make you realize how smart you are.

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(410): View more from Maryland

what kind of dress can i wear to my high school reunion that says "even though i'm more successful than all of you i'm still up for sex"?

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(407): View more from Florida

i went to disney world today with my friends, met snow white, then saw her later at a bar. she is naked next to me in her bed, passwed out. when you wish upon a star...

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I had to go to the front counter of the restaurant and ask for the key because I was "pretty sure my friend is passed out in the bathroom right now"

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(425): View more from Washington

I just got a facebook invite to join a group called "bring back the old franzia spout." i never want our generation to grow up.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(770): View more from Georgia

At first I was confused when I woke up with shards of glass and pickle brine in my pants. But then I remembered I hung out with you last night.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

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(301): View more from Maryland

let's get her a shirt that says "i went to key west for spring break and all i got was this illegitimate child."

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like arbor mist is too classy for that. you need a colt 45

(773): View more from Illinois

Yeah you're right. The one time when arbor mist is too classy

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(206): View more from Washington

He said I was like bonnie and clyde all rolled into one but twice as trashy and 75% less clothes...

(1-206): View more from Washington

He obviously understands you completely.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Yo dude either Brian has herpes or he was jerking off to Web MD 'cause I just walked in on him

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(904): View more from Florida

bring the vodka.

(1-904): View more from Florida

i thought we were going to mcdonalds..?

(904): View more from Florida

we are.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I love how all these freshman girls think that they can wear what they wore last summer... freshman 15 at its skankiest

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(214): View more from Texas

She has her iPod in her ears slippers and sweats on and is walking around the house up and down the stairs getting "exercise" she just stopped for a water break

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

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(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

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(845): View more from New York

I just noticed that when I sneeze...my nipples get hard.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just watched 2 blind guys walk into each other head on in providence. It pays to pregame in your car.

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(214): View more from Texas

new hobby: convincing random sorority girls around campus that we hooked up last weekend. i'm 2 for 5.

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(561): View more from Florida

I need to stop making out with boys in plain view of half my class.

(561): View more from Florida

He looked like Harry Potter. I had to do it.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

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(845): View more from New York

I feel so much closer to you now that I heard your poop splash into the toilet.

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(409): View more from Texas

white trash bash was a total success...cops shut it down twice and her hair stayed in rollers all night..she never broke character

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(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just typed 14 shots of Smirnoff into my calorie count toolbar. Then typed pole dancing 1.5hrs into the calorie burner search. Should break even.

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(858): View more from California

this isnt the person you just texted but i have her phone. she disappeared when the bacon came home and she hasn't returned since.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(616): View more from Michigan

whats the proper etiquette for returning a closet door to a random girl you met and do not know her name?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

he asked if he could put his cape on while he was still inside me.

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(541): View more from Oregon

woke up in nothing but a glued-on tiger tail. they used super glue.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(831): View more from California

I made a vision board specifically for the purpose of boning john mayer.

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(716): View more from New York

as nice as a boyfriend sounds, a relationship would require morals and self-restraint - both fields in which i lack.

(1-716): View more from New York

momma always taught us never to change for a boy..

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(847): View more from Illinois

You ruined his night from a different state? Impressive.

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I'm gonna cuddle the shit out of you tomorrow

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(415): View more from California

Tell LD happy birthday and party like it's $19.99

(415): View more from California

Recession joke.

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(248): View more from Michigan

Fucking hipsters really piss me off man. They are just such punk as bitches, all of them. Oh, and fuck Ed Hardy too.

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(248): View more from Michigan

brad dismisses pussy with prejudice

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(646): View more from New York

How is your vagina???

(941): View more from Florida

Double booked

(646): View more from New York

With your butt?

(941): View more from Florida

Totes, candlesticks and all

(646): View more from New York

Yay!!

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(248): View more from Michigan

i've got a dick and you've got a pussy....what is the problem??

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(847): View more from Illinois

garbage

(248): View more from Michigan

garbage dick

(847): View more from Illinois

rubbish cock

(248): View more from Michigan

you win

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I thought his dick was headless. then I pulled back the foreskin.

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(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

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(407): View more from Florida

She was really sick last night--but i was too drunk to bring her chicken noodle soup after the bar, so went by taco bell and got her a chicken burrito instead

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(646): View more from New York

Give me a heads up the next time you BBM me a voicenote of you cumming so I'll make sure not to play it while in the car with my parents. Miss you too.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

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(650): View more from California

If you're missing hair this morning, i'm sorry in advance

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(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(517): View more from Michigan

There aren't nearly as many guys masturbating on chatroulette as i was led to believe...i feel cheated

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I didn't think I could chip a tooth while giving a blowjob until I met him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(601): View more from Mississippi

A girl just asked me to co-sign for her boob job because she didn't have enough credit built up. This is a first.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Whatever, she only has 293 friends, she cant afford to be defriending me..

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(360): View more from Washington

I feel like Tiger Woods should send Jesse James a gift basket or something...

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(216): View more from Ohio

She's sitting on the couch buck naked, eating a cupcake for dinner. I'm breaking new ground as a parent here.

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(310): View more from California

as we were stuffing their 24 of beer into our bags you kept saying you wanted cheese strings. closest things we found were kraft singles. as the guys came up the stairs you kept screaming 'GET THE CHEESE! GET THE CHEESE!'

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(231): View more from Michigan

Please come to History lecture. The kid two seats over is belligerently drunk.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Mom wants to know why I'm bringing a blender back to college.... didn't have the heart to tell her she's paying a $20,000 tuition for us to make margaritas and sleep through class

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(214): View more from Texas

I can only imagine the horrible things my future wife is doing on spring break right now.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, showing up drunk to physics was the best idea ever. I just tripled my participation for the semester. I love st pattys day

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(810): View more from Michigan

I woke up hungover and opened my laptop to find that i had googled alcoholism again

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You told me alcohol would be the death of you then ordered 10 shots of tequila.

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(646): View more from New York

I can't wait to see her breast feed this thing

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(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(612): View more from Minnesota

three guys just busted into my bio lecture, yelled "happy st. patrick's day!", downed jagerbombs, and left.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Call me pathetic, but saying "tits for ireland" is working out really well on chatroulette today.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I passed out and woke up with my pockets full of Lucky Charms cereal and chocolate coins. Another successful St Pattys Day.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Mom's drinking. Just asked her if she was good to walk back to the condo. She seemed unsure until she remembered she brought the GPS. We are 2 blocks from the condo.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

So my teacher figured out I made a drinking game out of her lecture. Once my drink was gone she let us out. Happy St. Patricks day class. Your welcome

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(248): View more from Michigan

i had to do the walk of shame dressed as a leprechaun. I have never been more proud of my irish roots.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

At one point we asked the guy to play "the lion sleeps tonight" with his bagpipes. Best version ever.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your clothes are in washers 2,3 and 4. I arranged by darks, whites, then frat... I'm not even joking

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(516): View more from New York

shes on the floor puking and texting simultaneously.

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(240): View more from Maryland

woke up rolled in a yoga mat listening to enya. I'm never going back to Oregon ever again.

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(619): View more from California

after we finished, she said she had been a backup performer for Cirque du Soleil. THAT flexible.

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(541): View more from Oregon

You ended at least 6 stories with "and that's why I don't snort coke anymore"

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(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

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(903): View more from Texas

she went home with me because she said i reminded her of paul rudd. remind me to thank him for his awkwardness

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just was on a 20min team conference call where I didn't speak, I used a Gus Johnson soundboard online to answer questions asked to me...the highlight of 2010

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(225): View more from Louisiana

How long after st. Patrick's day is it ok to shit green before I should seek medicial attention?

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(217): View more from Illinois

Just watched a UNI fan at the bar lick the tears off of a KU fans face.. See what march madness does to people

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(706): View more from Georgia

Just walked past a girl wearing nothing but flip flops and an oversized sweatshirt crying by the front gates eating pizza. i just found your soulmate.

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(206): View more from Washington

And i laid in the yard with carrots on my chest cause i wanted a bunny

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(785): View more from Kansas

i convinced her i was a yoga teacher by showing her some warm-ups my high school track coach made up

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(512): View more from Texas

its 9am and we're in an escalade. I have no shoes and my dress is on backwards. I feel like we're the morning after a rap video

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(+49): View more from Germany

This guy just brought his piggy bank into the bar with him. Talk about corruption of childhood.

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(434): View more from Virginia

The bridesmaids just went smackdown on the floor, over the bouquet. I saw nipple. Best wedding ever

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(614): View more from Ohio

i walked in on him listening to enya, jacking off, and vomiting into a cup on his desk. are you serious.

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(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

He said if I stayed the night he'd take me to church in the morning.

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just tried to fight the dj at cowboys because he would'nt play freebird. Pick me up now.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just remembered yelling "they're gonna let me be a lawyer! Me! Why would they do that?"

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(250): View more from British Columbia

i think i recognize dicks better than faces

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(613): View more from Ontario

It snowed today. The whore-inducing weather is official over.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

the only thing he could say in english were 'insert coin here' and 'game over'. i love spanish men.

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(727): View more from Florida

It was unlikely that the relationship was going to end with anything other than antibiotics.

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(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Listen, what he fails to understand is that the Olive Garden does not equal pussy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

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(989): View more from Michigan

no where in the syllabus does it say "no alcoholic beverages allowed".

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(269): View more from Michigan

when she said she's going upstairs to put her "play clothes" on, I knew either she was a pervert or a kindergarten teacher. Either way, I wasn't going to leave. She's a pervert by the way.

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(217): View more from Illinois

i told the doctor i drank a college amount of alcohol. judgemental prick

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.

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