Texts From Last Night · wolf0x13's Favorites

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wolf0x13's Favorites Texts:

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(614): View more from Ohio

She fucking ripped my chandelier out of my ceiling. How does that make her a keeper?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

This girl would not stay down. It was like night of the living dead. She kept on rising up to haunt anything with a penis

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(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(281): View more from Texas

I don't know if it's lucky or if it really just makes my tits look THAT good, but I've never NOT gotten laid with this bra on

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(513): View more from Ohio

This does no justice to the amount of paint I'm covered in or the amount of balls I'm tripping.

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(301): View more from Maryland

not sure how we got back down, broken rib says we didn't use stairs

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(734): View more from Michigan

we got plastered, then made lists of anything thats ever been in our vaginas

(810): View more from Michigan

I know. Brad is upset because he was lower on the list than "that carrot stick"

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one at work will be able to read the "who wants body shots" on my chest. I forgot about it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

well on a positive note i hear those vitamins you take while pregnant do wonders for your nails

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(443): View more from Maryland

Don't try to dry clothes in the microwave. They'll catch on fire.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She counted 5,6,7,8 then intentionally kneed herself in the eye numerous times.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wanna play who's drunker? I just made macaroni & cheese taco and offered it to the pizza Guy as a tip.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have the money I owe you for auctioning off your black thongs. Best 30 bucks ever spent

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Pretty much gone. He was in the backseat and kept whispering that his "toes felt like pigtails"

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(815): View more from Illinois

i know this sounds kinda weird but his cock smelled like fabric softener. it was so refreshing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She was knocking on the tree demanding to be let in

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(443): View more from Maryland

I feel like somehow my uterus ended up in my ribcage from all the keg stands i did last night..

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Please get rnbert tn get chebk h'm in i'm no dead when he getr gome

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

look up what dreaming that you're in a lesbian relationship with a manatee means.

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(914): View more from New York

whatever happens this semester dont let me be that girl yacking in the urinal. again.

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(432): View more from Texas

Well you are. Awfully cute even. Like baby bunnies. And tiny, tiny penises. You know.

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(914): View more from New York

my 3 favorite things in life are tequila, dicks, and making sandwiches. that DOES NOT make me a bad person.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

But it's a terrible idea. One erection and it's gonna go wrong

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(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again

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(865): View more from Tennessee

just woke up COVERED in glow sticks and glitter. didn't even have to turn the light on to puke.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

My one night stand found me at the library and randomly gave me plan B. He was scared I was going to get pregnant because he has a very high sperm count.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just seen a scantily clad pirate with 2 36 packs of natty ice on a bike riding with no hands. If she doesn't hit a speed bump she's golden and should be on the next Americas got talent.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think your going to be the cause of an awesome death

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I feel like college is just one giant drunken trip to Taco Bell

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Yes, that's a picture of my balls. It isn't however an answer to my question.

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(314): View more from Missouri

We left the bar, went to a sex shop, bought penis shotglasses, went back to the bar and insisted that the bartender used them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't even realize you were getting that drunk until bam!

(1-330): View more from Ohio

is bam when I fell down the stairs or when I threw up standing at the bar?

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(347): View more from New York

A friday night jus isn't the same if the cops don't raid my dorm

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(706): View more from Georgia

saw a man tazing a raccoon in the middle of the street last night... normal

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

IT'S FRIDAY. So quit being a pussy, get out of bed, and come help me drink these 40s. That's not a request.

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(631): View more from New York

lets grab drinks (in a friendly, not super awkward because ive eaten your ass kind of way) sometime soon

(1-631): View more from New York

wow.

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(519): View more from Ontario

ONE NIGHT STAND. You have 27 minutes before the offer expires, so I suggest you hurry.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

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(850): View more from Florida

i'm sorry for cheering you on when you were making out with him. i was just celebrating the fact he was decent looking for once

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Walked into a liquor store bleeding. That kind of night.

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(954): View more from Florida

Tonights theme there is the 7 deadly sins. Greed, envy, sloth, gluttony, sluttiness, fellatio and vodka.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Well I scaled a 3 story building last night to get laid. What have u done for ur penis lately?

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(917): View more from New York City

I heard porn and smelled bacon cooking. I knew you had to be home.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

These fall allergies are really hindering my cocaine habit.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

nothing worse than sitting down ready for a solid porn sesh to find out your internet is out. comcast owes me a handjob

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(214): View more from Texas

You are in charge of making sure that her vagina explodes with joy tonight.

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(517): View more from Michigan

He keeps asking me for girl advice, i told him im an expert at getting drunk, not girls

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

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(513): View more from Ohio

He invited you over for Super Sexy Saturday and Cosmos... I'm pretty sure that's gay

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

im not picky. i just want someone whod go down on me while im writing my psych midterm paper. thats not a lot to ask.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

the lighter is IN the bong. I don't know what to do

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(239): View more from Florida

Missed another period

(1-239): View more from Florida

I almost hope you're pregnant, this is unfair.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you cant keep talent like that locked up in a relationship

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(716): View more from New York

i was about to rearrange the room but realized that this is the only efficient setup where we can have sex while the other one's asleep without them accidentally seeing.

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(229): View more from Georgia

She was doing lines off of her friends boobs in the limo at 9 oclock on a thursday This has the potential to be the best weekend ever

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(614): View more from Ohio

she uses eco-friendly sex toys. she is the literal definition of a hippie.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

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(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm pre-party power houring. It's so catchy I couldn't not do it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You're the only person I know who would say "we'll play it by ear" referring to a threesome

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Do you think she's aware of my deep hatred or should I set her hair on fire in her sleep?

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(502): View more from Kentucky

After I saw you grinding on that guy with your shirt completely unbuttoned, I figured it was time for pizza.

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(530): View more from California

regular news: took many shots of tequila.....bad news: woke up with a toothbrush and vagisil next to me.....good news: clean as a whistle

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(806): View more from Texas

with your flexibility, and the size of my penis, amazing things are possible.

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(805): View more from California

I'm at the gas station where we got beef jerky and condoms. The fact that those two are in the same sentence makes me love you more.

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(949): View more from California

Oh, I'm sorry. I'd rather be "doable" than "the fat chick"

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(714): View more from California

I just want dick. Yours just gets priority because it is glorious

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i secretly love the power trip of being their RA & busting these idiots for everything i did as a freshman

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(765): View more from Indiana

He picked me up for our 1st date and saw my roommate crying on the floor Fabreesing her vagina...

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(212): View more from New York

It's 9:30am and I've already blown three loads. Reason #101 I love 25 year old girls.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Try not to bring up the fact that I woke up and couldn't find my pants... He might get the wrong idea.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we weren't quite sure what was on that mirror, so we snorted it and hoped for the best

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you have no chance. her best friend is a human abstinence poster.

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(740): View more from Ohio

It was also my first failed attempt at shower sex.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Did I show you my penis last night?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

there is a time and a place for ass-grabbing and that was not it.

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(518): View more from New York

Passing out during sex is actually quite pleasant. its like being rocked to sleep with a penis

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(419): View more from Ohio

two gay guys came in and bought just a kite and a box of wine. Why cant I have saturday nights that awesome

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Can you deep fry cheerios do you know? crucial question

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(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

We talked about all of the sex positions that would better allow him to feed me grapes. I think I'm in love.

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(904): View more from Florida

she wrote "need hug!" on a sticky note, put it on her back, and passed out on his bed. they're trying to figure out how she got into his room...

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(718): View more from New York

He's really hot. I think he's gonna be my reason to shave this winter.

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(408): View more from California

just as they were cutting his pants off he made em stop & said "everyone knows about shrinkage right".

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(705): View more from Ontario

From what I remember, he had one ball. But it was cute

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

If I had KNOWN you and mom were coming to visit, I wouldn't have passed out in the frat. This is why I hate surprises.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

So... he formspringed me a link to every nude pic ive taken since he 8th grade. ive evolved nicely. but im nervous as to how this a website.

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(949): View more from California

is it just my freshly shaved vagina or is the guy at the end of the table pretty cute??

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(425): View more from Washington

all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.

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(817): View more from Texas

he described going down on me as being like 'entering a jungle of deliciousness and fur

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(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a wedding ring drawn on my finger...if this was vegas id be worried

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(418): View more from Quebec

I tried doing a handstand in the middle of the bar and I ended up kicking this old guy in the face and broke his glasses. Thats how I got kicked out

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm never telling my kids not to take ecstasy, never. Idk what my mom was thinking.

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(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(805): View more from California

Of course I was flustered, I had a lot of penis in my face.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the realtor just asked me if i've ever made meth on this property.... i need to do something about my hair

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(949): View more from California

I slept face down in the dirt because I wanted to go camping?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just remember thinking that if i ran really fast through the house, no one would notice i was naked.

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(516): View more from New York

Your ability to be a slut in your nightmare astounds me

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(703): View more from Virginia

..and it was like all of a sudden I could hear the sounds my brain was making

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(216): View more from Ohio

We're cuddling on the couch that me and his brother had sex on...this feels wrong

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(908): View more from New Jersey

was just hit on by a homeless lesbian. forever alone.

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(512): View more from Texas

So....maintenance found the bullethole.....

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(630): View more from Illinois

The djing cat is back again. I think he just makes appearances when im shit drunk just to fuck with my mind.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I'm making a contract of things you're not allowed to put in my ass

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(801): View more from Utah

I can get head just about anywhere nowadays so that's not much of an incentive, coffee on the other hand...

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(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Admitting I go to nursing school is my subtle way of saying, yes, I know every muscle in your penis and how to effectively use them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

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(480): View more from Arizona

... was I dreaming when we did coke off of the xbox, or did that really happen?

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(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

the first sign of life we got from you was four hours later. you smiled without opening your eyes when tom whispered in your ear we were getting buffalo wings.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I hope this doesn't change things. I feel that me being a minor made it more exciting.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

You know why I moved here? No public intoxication law. A cop just helped me from my bent over vomit pose, asked if I was ok, and gave me a ride home.

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(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

He didn't seem too mad about the puke on the side of his car. You still have a chance.

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(760): View more from California

double majoring has taught me only that psych majors are sluttier than govt majors

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(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

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(404): View more from Georgia

What's the kids name that was drinking stale beer and redbull out of the blender?

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(815): View more from Illinois

It was like riding a jackhammer on a train during an earthquake. THAT amazing.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i have my graded calc test (94%) sitting on my empty case of beer next to my desk. this is me winning at college.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I woke up covered in blue paint and my knee bleeding, when I went to return the shopping cart the guy in the elevator laughed hysterically. I'm having a good morning.

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(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

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(516): View more from New York

I'm going to start telling people I'm a sophomore so they stop asking me about college and what I want to do with my life

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He did a line, told me my hair looked pretty against the background of the clouds, and then we fucked. Good afternoon

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's in the middle of blacking out but is singing Mariah carey songs. Hitting every note.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(909): View more from California

I use him for alcohol and he uses me for sex. This is the closest thing to love i could imagine

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(250): View more from British Columbia

When sleeping with someone new: should you hide the magnum condoms, or let him know what he has to live up to?

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(209): View more from California

She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

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(817): View more from Texas

she acted like she'd never seen someone do speed off of a desk with a rolled up receipt. and she calls herself a grad student.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The stripper from Delilahs paid the desk clerk to find out my room #. Either Im doin something very right or she's doing it worng.

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(315): View more from New York

don't think this is any sort of attachment thing but if I'm going to throw up regularly at your house, I'm going to keep a tooth brush there

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Correct me if I'm wrong here... but did we serenade each others breasts to "winds of change" last night?

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(904): View more from Florida

Dude, the cops never think it's as funny as you do.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I really hope you aren't where I think you are. Dude she has a MUSTACHE. You need Jesus..

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(740): View more from Ohio

you really dont want me to drink and drive. you saw what i did to my face and that was only from walking

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Just found pics of us from Mardi Gras last year. Your boob job really is better than mine.

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(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't tell me wow. Tell me this is normal for college and in no way am I a whore.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i just opened a bottle of wine with my dads power tools

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(810): View more from Michigan

Let me just inform you of my purse contents right now. Three cum rags, a sock full of cum, xanax, and a fake moustache. This is my life.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I've come to accept that no matter where I step in our apartment, your underwear will be there.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

just threw up on dog. broke microwave with cheese and spoon. having a bath with my barbies singing final countdown.

(+44): View more from United Kingdom

before you ask yes i found the absinthe under your bed. ITS THE FINAL COUNTDOWWWWNNNNNN

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(706): View more from Georgia

They gave me a glowstick necklace to wear so they could locate me if I wandered off into the woods

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(613): View more from Ontario

Just saw my father's penis. Don't know what to say.

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(312): View more from Illinois

My night sucks. It's really hard to masturbate with a broken finger.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(323): View more from California

Protip: If you slur the word 'tipsy', you've progressed beyond tipsy.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Taking shots out of pine wood derby trophiesssssss. best idea ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Breaking hearts and overdosing on semen. That's my life.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

just because she threw up on my junk doesnt mean i dont like asians anymore

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It was awkward being the only one at the wedding who knows that the bride and groom met when she gave him a lap dance at a strip club

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(253): View more from Washington

Dude you didn't move for like 2 hours then suddenly sang the chorus to ghetto superstar and passed back out

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just mindlessly walked into the mens bathroom. My vagina has now become its own independent being, looking for penises. I'm just along for the ride.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Had to make a piece of abstract art. Your dick is in it

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

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(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

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(954): View more from Florida

We always say that. And then its 4am and someone is screaming at strippers.

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(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Somehow after we left in 3 different cars to all go to different places we still all ended up in the emergency room

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(585): View more from New York

I don't even want to talk about it, I'm traumatized. Even the dog knew to take advantage of the most intoxicated girl at the party...

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(734): View more from Michigan

I told her she has a very organized vagina; somehow she took offense.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

judging by the cake all over the hall, my neighbors had a pretty successful thursday too.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I wish you would always start your sentences with "speaking of my clit..."

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I took the chef home. His dick even tasted like garlic

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

if I want to go home with a foreign boy, please feel free to let me go, sober me gives you permission to let drunken me do it

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm sorry I kept calling last night when you wouldn't pick up. I'm REALLY sorry I sang "You Oughta Know" on more than 4 voice mails.

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(941): View more from Florida

I love waking up with his head head between my legs, it makes me feel special

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

she's walking down the hall in a thong and one flip flop and one ugg

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(970): View more from Colorado

She left scratches down my back from her wedding ring. Her husband seems like a nice guy though, judging by the scratches it had to be at least a carat.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(812): View more from Indiana

They have an open bar at this baby shower. I was born to be Cuban.

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(415): View more from California

Ok lesson learned. Don't lick the spoon when making mushroom chocolates. The kitchen walls are melting.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I feel like I'm a marionette being lifted around. Four Loko.

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(214): View more from Texas

Best thing law school has taught me: how to use logic to turn a girls "no I will not have sex with you" into "well I might as well get laid"

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(804): View more from Virginia

IS FOOTBALL GONNA SUCK HIS DICK? NO, IT IS NOT

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The water bill last month was outrageous. We have got to stop fucking for hours in the shower

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(813): View more from Florida

i just successfully used the word "hymen" in a paper...welcome to senior seminar in lit.

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(585): View more from New York

Just found out the guy that gave me herpes died. now everytime I get a flare up, it'll be like he's coming back to say hello

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(707): View more from California

I just imagined your drunkass eating Taco Bell in my living room. This is the Godmother of my potential child.

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(315): View more from New York

why is there a clump of hair nailed to my wall?

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(563): View more from Iowa

i'm sitting pantsless eating potato chips and watching porn before he picks me up for our date. I hope he's ready for this...

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I need a legitimate reason as to why the microwave door is in the shower

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(519): View more from Ontario

Then we all started singing, "Our house, in the middle of the street. Our house, fucks a lot of freshman meat". It was magical.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I'm getting very mixed reviews. One friend told me to stop drinking bc the last 3 times he's heard from me I've either peed my pants, been throwing up, or people have been having sex beside me.

(1-606): View more from Kentucky

Strangely enough I'm encouraging you to keep drinking for all the same reasons.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She called me her ex's name in a supermarket. How boring am I that she livens up shopping by thinking of another guy?

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(708): View more from Illinois

I HAVE FLAVORED BLOW. THIS SHOULD NOT EXISIT.

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I found out during it when he said "my girlfriend never does this" so he's all to blame, I had no idea until half way through.

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(716): View more from New York

i jus dunped the rest of my drink down the sink and tool my bra off. pretty sure this is the best decision for everybody.

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I havnt even moved into my new place yet and there's already a county sheriffs card taped to the door with my name on it asking me to call him

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I have more bruises, scratches, and overall soreness from my birthday weekend than my car accident.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He came in, laid on our floor and started to make a snow angel.. On the floor. Then he just left never said a word. 20 mins later walked back in and dropped his pants, looked down and said "wow im happy i had boxers on."

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(303): View more from Colorado

I was unaware that a tutu and pasties was appropriate attire to this

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the fact that you could barely do more than slur incoherent sentences didn't stop you from correcting her grammar

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

We decided to have a girls night of four lokos, three of us cried and the other puked

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(973): View more from New Jersey

America approved of our night. A bald eagle flew over us at 7am

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(801): View more from Utah

Worst relationship ever. Keep in mind I've dated two married chicks and a Mormon.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

He was sitting on the bathroom floor, swirling his finger in the toilet singing the Laguna Beach theme song. I don't know whether to laugh or help him.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Why do I feel like I'm not the only one drinking to make my night class teacher look better?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

On the bright side, at least we arent the generation raised by fucked up teen moms.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I came home drunk to my night light on and a Hershey's bar on my bed. Mom knows me too well.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

he's totally gay but hes wondering what hes missing out on. Im going to show him.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

no pressure.

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(586): View more from Michigan

he said he wants to do me james and the giant peach style. im afraid of what that means. but moderately excited. wish me luck.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(503): View more from Oregon

i want you to know that after i type the word "your" , vagina is next on my auto correct text

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(678): View more from Georgia

When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.

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(661): View more from California

So my ex just cheated on her current bf w/me and now there's a car coming to take me to Vegas... Is this really my Thursday night?

(818): View more from California

I hate you.

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(214): View more from Texas

So I'm up to masturbating three times a day, drunk textin my ex, not doing any hw and I've failed half of my tests so far

(713): View more from Texas

Sounds better than last semester

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found a carrot inside of a baby sock. living with toddlers is like living with tiny hammered people.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

i dont know everytime i see her teeth i get erectile disfunction

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(207): View more from Maine

he tried to make a toast, but hit the moving ceiling fan with his beer instead

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(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

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(573): View more from Missouri

Drunk in a canoe getting pulled by a lawn mower thinking of you

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(804): View more from Virginia

I don't see why you're so upset, it's not like you were wearing pants either.

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(650): View more from California

i'm not sure when it happened but apparently now it's topless bar night, im wearing a leotard and everyone is looking at me like i'm cheating.

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(330): View more from Ohio

After he came inside me, he made us hold hands and pray that I wasn't pregnant.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

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(519): View more from Ontario

He fell and asked for a beer and a band-aid.

(604): View more from British Columbia

HE GOT FOURTEEN STICHES

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(907): View more from Alaska

everyone contributed. i held her hair back, he rubbed my vag... it was a team effort.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

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(518): View more from New York

I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

hot doctor. gonna get him to touch my tits. 'think i felt a lump' excuse in 3-2-1...

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(443): View more from Maryland

Would it be a dick move to report the suite next-door for a noise violation? They're singing Bad Romance off-key and I'm not sure if I can allow that.

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(253): View more from Washington

The pine trees are waving at me.

(907): View more from Alaska

Put the pipe down honey.

(253): View more from Washington

Hi trees.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like the one of me you and her but you're looking at me...Total foreshadowing right there. I'm cropping it

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(630): View more from Illinois

It went from cuddling and watching blood diamond to watching the three of them snort an entire $80 bag of blow off the coffee table

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(919): View more from North Carolina

is it consensual if they're cheered on by a room filled with 30 people?

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(561): View more from Florida

His roomates just started party boying me. He stood there with the look of horror on his face.

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(+33): View more from France

how do I tell him nicely and in french that we can't have sex anymore because his huge penis will ruin me for other french men?

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(606): View more from Kentucky

All we did was argue about ponys and drug dealers

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(716): View more from New York

So the answer to your question is yes, I was masturbating on the roof of my building.

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(+61): View more from Australia

We started snorting MDMA at 3 in the afternoon...it was never going to end well.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You said "i miss him" not "i miss his dick." You're getting emotionally attatched. Shame.

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(530): View more from California

Wouldn't be the first time..I think there's a subliminal message constantly playing in my mind that says 'blackout', 'throwing up is fun' 'too sober'

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(856): View more from New Jersey

it took you forty minutes to realize it was a gay bar.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

So, i took all the condoms from his nightstand, not in the crazy ex way, but in the I paid for them way.

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(239): View more from Florida

While you were puking in the ocean I was rubbing your back saying "Just give it back to Mother Earth".

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(513): View more from Ohio

he made a joke about you fucking his daughter...i think youre golden

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with $100 in my pocket and I was so excited until I found an atm receipt for a $500 withdrawal. Not as exciting.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just witnessed a circumcision at clinical. i suddenly feel a sense of reconciliation over every guy who's done me dirty...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Nada. Shooting off confetti and wanted to see I'd u could see it from ur house.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Wow. Its not even 11am.

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm telling you the guy came in bought a box of condoms and all three of the chicks that came in behind him followed him to his car. I want his life

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you fell asleep spooning with his golden retriever. im not sure if thats more degrading for you or the dog

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Just found a quarter that has been stuck to my boob since at least last night.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i don't even specifically remember last night, it's just one big wonderful lesbianic blur.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I feel compelled to tell you that I woke up this morning and found an entire corn on the cob in my purse. Ive decided not to question my drunken behavior anymore, and to just accept it as my lifestyle.

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(516): View more from New York

i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the party was called freshmen disorientation. i was just following the theme

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Found a cheerleading trophy in my shower this morning. Explain.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So many bounce houses so little time

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I asked you if you were ok and you said "dude I'm fine, I'm in the recovery position"

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(647): View more from Ontario

there was this guy running across campus barefoot in the pouring rain stepping in all the puddles. i want his life. and i want to be stripper.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I heard from anne today. She has a broken collarbone and is knocked up. Apparently florida is awesome

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Your dignity remains intact. He, on the other hand, is completely convinced he slept with your cat.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Sucks about the cops last night

(848): View more from New Jersey

to be honest when I first looked up I wanted to know who was coming from a costume party..

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(773): View more from Illinois

After I threw him out he walked down the street peeing in stride. I almost wanted to let him back in.

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(850): View more from Florida

I found her sitting in the shower having an argument with the dolphins on the shower curtain.

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(434): View more from Virginia

I made him hve sex with me in the elevator so that I could put my finger down in never have I ever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

You are the worst kind of disappointment. The responsible kind.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

thought i was the most hungover person in class until i saw a kid puke into his bookbag...he wins

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(415): View more from California

had a guy just try to take his underwear off in the middle of the bar w o taking his pants off. That kind of Sunday afternoon

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.

(518): View more from New York

I am in love with you.

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(240): View more from Maryland

last day of my family cruise we all got trashed and had an award ceremony. I got the award for hooking up with a cougar. my grandma hugged me and said im living up to the legacy. this is why my familys better than yours

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(903): View more from Texas

I have decided today is drunk costume day. That is, i woke up still drunk and found costumes all over my floor. Heck yes. This is happening. Come over. Drink.

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(646): View more from New York

So, we're going at it on the sink when a German kid walks in and starts brushing his teeth. I love hostel sex.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I haven't shaved in at least a week, he said "obviously neither one of us was prepared for this"

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(318): View more from Louisiana

i'm pretty sure i'm on the same train we took last friday..

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what?how do you know?

(318): View more from Louisiana

it appears they have not cleaned up your vomit yet.

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(214): View more from Texas

His apartment number was 69. I had to.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I hope so. I just start to question my lifestyle when i pee on coffee tables

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i almost burnt down an apartment complex. little busy, get back to you later

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I need a good reason NOT to eat this entire jar of nutella right now

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(415): View more from California

apparently you can't crawl through the drive-thru window

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(517): View more from Michigan

found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.

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(775): View more from Nevada

Long labias. Talking about. Too drunk to explain. Tomorrow.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

If you start sounding at all like you're even remotely in love, expect a lecture on the merits of being a single woman with a vibrator.

(1-780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is why we're friends.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I hope he doesn't find the chex mix when he takes my shirt off.

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(406): View more from Montana

Apparently my gaydar only works on americans. Frenchie capris has two topless chicks in our kitchen making him breakfast.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Please don't ever try giving my cat a hair cut ever ever again

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(970): View more from Colorado

There was a canoe full of alcohol. It was literally a boat load of fun

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(661): View more from California

Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

We stayed in and smoked weed and watched Dreamgirls. We made each other's vaginal lips sing the songs. Mine was Beyonce, hers was Jamie Foxx. I think this is one of those times you're jealous you're not an awesome lesbian.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh no I havn't even told you about the naked asians yet

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(415): View more from California

You tried feeding my python vodka through a funnel. Fuck off.

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(315): View more from New York

We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.

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(231): View more from Michigan

you woke me up just to tell me that I was beautiful in every way possible. Then you proceeded to fall asleep with your mouth on my boob.

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(813): View more from Florida

It would be celebrated in history as "the orgasm heard round the world"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

mid-sex i was thinking.. these are not the right balls slapping me

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(419): View more from Ohio

I had his cock in my mouth and he still wouldn't shut up about Star Wars.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I no longer question where these bruises come from... between the strip pole in the living room, the slipnslide in the hallway and our constant level of intoxication I will always be bruised...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Freshman just walked up and thanked me for letting him hide under my bed when the cops showed up to the house last weekend

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

It's very clear that i'm the girl sweating out four lokos at 2 in the afternoon at the gym

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(253): View more from Washington

Birthday Coupon: This text is good for alteast 3 hours of Birthday Sex. Redeamable any time, anywhere, and any style.

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(630): View more from Illinois

she ate the whole pudding cup using only her tongue. i'm considering going lesbian for her

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(973): View more from New Jersey

can you explain how you are here for one night and now my kitchen table is in 11 pieces..

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(815): View more from Illinois

Breaking personal boundaries is my trademark

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

they described our state of being as looking similar to a crime scene....you were on the ground and i was running around screaming.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"

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(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

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(440): View more from Ohio

It's the foolproof way to identify who didn't get laid last night

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(678): View more from Georgia

NExt question... Do i wanna sleep under my palm tree

(404): View more from Georgia

YES.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I'm drinking whiskey outta the bottle trying to earn the trust of some ducks in the yard

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(678): View more from Georgia

He told me he loved me mid lick. Anyone that can look at me from that angle, lick my vagina, and say they love me must absolutely mean it

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(310): View more from California

While he was going down his phone rang and he answered saying I'll call you later I'm eating.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(214): View more from Texas

a girl just walked by me crying on the phone saying, "all I ever do is menstruate"

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(260): View more from Indiana

It got awkward when the girl working at planned parenthood continued to hit on me, after she knew about my STDs.

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(807): View more from Ontario

I'm eating tomato paste and drinking banana juice that is expired. Can we please get groceries tonight?

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(805): View more from California

you go from almost hooking up with the hottest guy at the party, to going home with your ex....how is that even mathematically possible

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we sixty- nined on a tennis court.. not even drunk. you say insane. i say creative genius.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(754): View more from Florida

Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think anyone could emotionally handle a numb vagina.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She just said she wanted to get freaky and left the room. I'm almost certain I just heard the microwave.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

bottle of wine in one hand cigar in the other. 5 am. topless on our fire escape. and she cleaned our bathroom... i like his new girlfriend.

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(702): View more from Nevada

So basically i got outta bed and started peeing on the a/c unit..when my roommate tried to stop me i looked at him and said "i got this"

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(954): View more from Florida

We are lost. Everyone is drunk and it all went downhill after we iced the bus driver.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Theres a truck parked on the front yard and i just want to take this opportunity to tell you now that it is not my fault.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Ohhh, TODAY your worried. Becasue last weekend when we warned you about her you said "shes too hot to have herpes."

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(931): View more from Tennessee

and his room smelled like strippers, childrens tears, and fear

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(630): View more from Illinois

And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."

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(216): View more from Ohio

6 other girls and I took an ice cream truck to the bar when we couldn't get a cab. Best birthday ever.

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(702): View more from Nevada

She's never allowed to turn 21 again

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(612): View more from Minnesota

My dermatologist just asked me, "what happened here?" referring to the bruising on my nipples. I told her I walked into a door. Thanks for that awkward moment.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Guy next to me at the plasma center is high and watching porn on his itouch. I am wayy to hung over for this level of poor.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I knew it was gonna be weird when she opened the condom with scissors

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(239): View more from Florida

all i remeber is falling off a fence and banging him in the middle of the street, not sure which one gave me this cut

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(585): View more from New York

just got carried INTO the bar by 4 people. it's like watching my weekend in reverse.

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(815): View more from Illinois

drunk me just left notes all around the apt to remind shitfaced me that i have mashed potatoes in the fridge. do not take them down if you come home before me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm taking this break up pretty rough.. I've never been to sad to masturbate.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

You kept saying thank you to the automatic toilet as it flushed your puke.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Either allow it in a formal toast or i will drunkenly tell your in-laws while i'm dancing on their table. either way, the truth is coming out

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(812): View more from Indiana

Isiahs hammered. And just came in to get his skateboard and said he has to prove something. This can't end well

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(334): View more from Alabama

How does one fall all the way up a flight of stairs? Its hard on me knowing that the survival of our species depends on me not reproducing.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sitting by myself in my bra eating a waffle and drinking pineapple rum. gamedaaaayyyyyyy

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(631): View more from New York

do you think you could subtly ask him about the dimensions of his penis?

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(716): View more from New York

Last night he tried to put me in their garbage can and then sprayed me with a fire extinguisher in their kitchen...that house is always interesting

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(516): View more from New York

Found your pants in the mailbox

(646): View more from New York

What were my pants doing in the mailbox?

(516): View more from New York

I don't know but there's postage on them

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(801): View more from Utah

You came out of the bathroom, said "I'M DRUNK BUT I REMEMBERED TO WASH MY HANDS!" and then insisted that she smell them.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Because when I say 'You shouldn't drink anymore', she hears, 'I personally challenge you to chug 3 more mixed drinks'

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(954): View more from Florida

I've now graduated to the level of gay where I can tell Tegan and Sara apart.

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(361): View more from Texas

Oh my god it's like Minesweeper. I can tell there's sex in three of the four rooms, but which one is the safe one?

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i finally decided to ask her out. she started mumbling, then she puked on me. i think i'll try again when she's sober

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

they shut off the water. shaving my legs with soda. that desperate.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I just remember taking her cat for a walk around 3 am then falling asleep in a slide at the park

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(727): View more from Florida

We gotta make a movie eventually. All good, long-lasting relationships include a homemade porno

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(803): View more from South Carolina

she was passed out on the moving sidewalks in the airport, we NEED to travel more often

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Woke up this morning with a note saying "great sex, see you never". Why can't I meet more women like her?

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(716): View more from New York

I'm covered in pickle juice. Why do you people leave me alone?

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(416): View more from Toronto

I just shaved my vag with a razor my dad left when he was here a few months ago. Too hungover to think about the Freudian connotations

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I made my rape whistle into a roach clip device. FRESHMAN YEAR!

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He asked if I wanted to leave my bra on while we were doing it from behind bc he read somewhere that all that pounding can be painful for big breasts. THAT thoughtful.

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(520): View more from Arizona

She's the hottest girl I've ever seen before and didn't lose her virginity until she was 19. As men, I take it as failure on our part that hot 19 year old virgins still exist.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.

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(578): View more from

oh, it's pms. I almost cried yesterday bc my roommates didn't seem perky enough when I got home.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My wrist bandage is guacamole stained. What an accurate representation of my life as a whole

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(636): View more from Missouri

The doctor said 'youre the 2nd youngest person that ive seen with this condition. Thats probably not the silver medal you were looking for today.'

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sorry you had to see that, but on the bright side...at least I trust you enough to have sex in front of you

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Thank GOD those kids were having a lemonade stand, I didn't have anything to wash down my plan b with.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Before you ask, yes. Whatever you're wearing IS too slutty for his mom's funeral.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

They thought I was the paid stripper pretty much, and a lady tried to set me up with her nephew and then wanted to get my number for lesbian daughter... A typical night for me

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I have no idea. Next thing I know we're all down on one knee saying the pledge of allegiance and then singing I'm Proud to be an American. Then Trevor ate pizza off the sidewalk.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Thru out the entire phone conversation I went from thinking: he's making a gay come-on, to he's trying to sell me drugs, before realizing he was offering me a job with an internet company. Things are gonna be awkward in class this week.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She walked in, looked at the bed, sniffed, sighed, and went to grab her cleaning supplies. I'd say she knows.

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(909): View more from California

She threw all the patio furniture in the pool saying she was building a castle.

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(503): View more from Oregon

His penis was definitely too big to be the type that wants commitment. Shit.

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(519): View more from Ontario

so I woke up without pants, but my cardigan was still on and fully buttoned. curious.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I met the perfect girl for you, she's smart, likes cars, has at least one ear, and really blue eyes!

(1-859): View more from Kentucky

please elaborate on, "atleast one ear"

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(319): View more from Iowa

just saw a guy driving a atv down the highway in a tux.... only in Iowa...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've done unspeakable things to your penis. I have every right to give it a name.

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(432): View more from Texas

Her directions to the house party: "the north star will guide you, turn left. I'm wearing the potato hat"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night I dipped into my beer fund to pay for groceries. SINCE WHEN ARE MY PRIORITIES SO WHACK???

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He's so gross, but the preschooler inside me is screaming that this is her life dream and I have to be with him or she'll never forgive me.

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(905): View more from Ontario

the pic of her and her boyfriend fell off the wall as we were fucking.

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(641): View more from Iowa

she just walked in and said "well, I got peed on again"...

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(718): View more from New York

i literally paused in the middle of it, turned on my light, pointed to the picture netxt to my bed and go "you hooked up with my roommate too!!! AWWW!" he was so weirded out. i don't think he understands the relationship we have..we share..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He booked us a hotel at a resort in cancun for sprng break... I just wanted to get laid this weekend when i was blackout i didnt know it was gonna spiral into a mess of events like a 5 month in advance commitment

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(620): View more from Kansas

She gave me a handjob while eating a mcdouble with mayo on the way home from the bars at 2 in the morning. Car was full of people. This could be forever

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I cannot believe we're comparing my vagina to Mary Poppins and a black hole.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Why do I have peacock feathers super glued to my body?

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(845): View more from New York

Lesbians. Lesbians everywhere.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Drinking with birthday clown in the backyard shed at a 5 year olds birthday party at 12 in the afternoon. My life doesn't need any adjustments

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

It could have went better. They kicked us out of the casino and I drunkenly whipped her across the face with a fishing pole. Long story.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The kid next to me is typing a powerpoint presentation.. title: Reasons to Wear a Condom, subtitle: The Ian Story

(307): View more from Wyoming

The first slide was titled: You Could Get a Girl Pregnant.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude, this chick, who is smokin by the way, has 4 false teeth on top from a softball accident that she can take out if she wants... Who's getting amazing head tonight? This guy!

(218): View more from Minnesota

I don't know whether to be creeped out by the fact this chick can do that, or jealous because you're getting toothless head.

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(804): View more from Virginia

he kept telling me that god made these magical balloons called condoms

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(253): View more from Washington

So after I pop out this baby we need to just go on a monthlong coke binge so I can get skinny again before vegas

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(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

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(515): View more from Iowa

the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point

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(478): View more from Georgia

There was a picture of him proposing on the night stand and their dog watched, but I can't help myself, his dick is just so perfect.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm literally partying with O.J. Simpson's son right now. I don't know what to make of this.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

Oddly enough when I decided to stop whoreing myself out... I lost most of my companionship.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

If she's telling you consent laws theres probably a reason

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I give you the lube, you make me the mac and cheese, that's a pretty fair deal I think.

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(804): View more from Virginia

you wanted the guy to gift wrap the condoms

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

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(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

we walked in to her beating him with a broom while he was trying to sweep ramen into a box. there were packing peanuts everywhere.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Yeah I'm about to go down a waterslide that comes out a 2nd story window. I love college.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

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(865): View more from Tennessee

She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

man, work is way more interesting with these acid flashbacks.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I booked us a cruise for November. Lose 20 pounds and don't cheat on me before then.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she's on the floor slapping my dogs face with slices of pizza

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You remember those guys we called the police on after they stole our keg? Turns out one of them is a student instructor in one of my classes. Figuring out how best to use this information.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I knew I was in the wrong bar when "I have a daughter your age" was some random's pick up line.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Just wrote the directions to get to the girls house im hooking up with on the back of my marriage certificate. Officially worst husband ever.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

he let me wear his jacket and there was a magnum and a bowl in his pocket ... I think im in love

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(248): View more from Michigan

he asked me if i would dance for him to make it easier for him to jack off. does that answer your question.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(214): View more from Texas

Matt is in the hospital again. the night nurse text me asking not to bring the boombox again. is it sad or awesome that they are starting to know us?

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(815): View more from Illinois

just bought 2000 rhinestones and a heart shaped stencil at Micheals...I think the cashier knows i'm Vajazzling

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(917): View more from New York City

Watching Fresh Prince at 9am with a beer in hand and he just said to Uncle Phil "Sometimes I worry that I'll never get my life together." I feel like that was a sign from above or something

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently, I woke him up at 4AM, and yelled "you're mad because we don't have sex," while grabbing his dick. Then immediately fell back asleep, dick in hand.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he was drinking cheap vodka with warm tap water and a packet of crystal light. if that's not an alcoholic then idk what is

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(503): View more from Oregon

The stripper on stage Is eating a mozzarella stick while on the pole....that's a new level of I don't give a fuck

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Are you really this nice or are you just trying to get in my pants?

(1-218): View more from Minnesota

Both?

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(513): View more from Ohio

wanna go with us to feed the ducks bread soaked in vodka?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

how could i say no?

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(507): View more from Minnesota

You were rubbing your foot on one of your legs and kept saying, "My sock feels like a waterslide!"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm not sure how exactly, but this funeral has turned into a ridiculous night of drinking games

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

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(585): View more from New York

The preggo girl brought her pet chipmunk to class today. fyi.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He sang nursery rhymes to my vagina to get me to have sex with him..

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(740): View more from Ohio

I totally need to blow more fat guys. His cum tasted like vanilla ice cream

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(256): View more from Alabama

just credit carded her and her mom at the same time... that drunk. get on my level

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(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

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(240): View more from Maryland

He's slept with 25.5 people. Wtf is a half?

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(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

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(315): View more from New York

It didn't get weird until she took off her underwear, looked down, and said "fill her up!"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

there was some random girl that nobody really knew, standing in the corner trying to shave her armpits with a plastic butter knife.

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(443): View more from Maryland

At the hospital, the nurse kept telling me that i either had appendicitis, a tubular pregnancy, or an ovarian cyst. I kept asking if i could just have chlamydia instead...

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm gonna make this happen. You think it would be too forward to text him my room number with turn by turn directions straight to my crotch?

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(206): View more from Washington

All I know is for some reason I was sitting naked in the hallway playing an invisible ukulele singing somewhere over the rainbow. I wonder why security came.

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(916): View more from California

Dude, I couldn't come. She sounded like a goddamn dying walrus.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Well, let's be honest here. You're dealing with gay guys... EVERYTHING has an emotional attachment.

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(309): View more from Illinois

The "puke-towel" started to grow something...

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(883): View more from

I took the precaution of putting my macbook the one place in the dorm there is no way i can piss on it... the toilet

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(740): View more from Ohio

he started drinking at 9am with grey goose and pancakes. He IS my hero.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

no, no, no. omg. i said i wanted a SANDWICH! not a picture of your dick. damn cant you read? SANDWICH! now im blinded. great job.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so the party was at my house but some how i ended up being the only one who slept outside

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(917): View more from New York City

And I'm PMSing. So if I'm not crying, I'm masturbating.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Why do you keep getting laid in MY dreams

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(631): View more from New York

ok, just found out the kid i had random sex with in April was on wheel of fortune so i can really no longer say i regret that night

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

she screamed "my eye!" and it brought me a surge of bad memories. except she was yelling about a lemon.

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(585): View more from New York

you woke me up in the middle of the night to tell me you were taking off your pants and it was not an invitation.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

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(858): View more from California

Just found custom condoms. Guess I'm not getting any work done today.

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(415): View more from California

I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground

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(407): View more from Florida

I love having a vagina, its like having the keys to a city

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(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

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(415): View more from California

It was either a cute kinda butch tomgirl or a really fem guy. Either way, I made out with it. Bisexuality, my best friend.

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(310): View more from California

His dick was poking my bladder. That big...

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think I ruined Robin and Mikes anniversary. I walked in on them fucking, accidentally broke the necklace he gave her, and I stole the keg from their party. Not in that order

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(480): View more from Arizona

He puked at the bar then immediately procceded to slip in it, they loaded him up into a wheelchair, then the staff and myself walked him outside, all the while never having to pay for our tab. SO using this strategy again

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(256): View more from Alabama

Dude i was hungover i didnt know she was in the shower, she screamed i screamed we all screamed and i just so happend to piss in the shower.

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(703): View more from Virginia

the homeless guy was waiting for me this morning. this is the closest to a boyfriend ive had in years.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I got cut off for calling the flower girl a slut. What are you doing?

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(334): View more from Alabama

He used my blackberry to make a voice recording of me orgasming, then set it as my ringtone while I was sleeping. I discovered this during a staff meeting this morning.

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(765): View more from Indiana

After Sake bombs he tried to puke into an alluminum beer bottle and shot vomit streaks in a perfect V out the sides of his mouth and hit BOTH girls he had bought drinks for that night. He was like an Icon of Cock-blocking yourself.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ok...drunk girls at the bar are charging $1 for motorboating. It's fucking WEDNESDAY. I never want to leave.

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(713): View more from Texas

The 30 seconds of sex was almost worth it...I mean he did smoke me out and watched the princess and the frog with me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Get everyone out of their dorms and watch 3 girls do the walk of shame from my room.

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(510): View more from California

Ran into my prostitute at Costco yesterday. She was with her boyfriend, I was with my kids. Awwwwkward.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl brought half a watermelon to class. I want to be on her level.

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(207): View more from Maine

So yes, he's hot, a scorpio, an artist and a perfect cock. I think my bi train just arrived in gay town.

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(314): View more from Missouri

You need to tell your booty call to take some sudafed or something. I swear I thought you were humping Kermit the frog last night

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(907): View more from Alaska

She said that I needed to "pregame her so it can slip right in."

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(+31): View more from The Netherlands

Also...you were trying to touch his balls without him noticing

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(908): View more from New Jersey

This could be one of the worst things i've done... The background of her phone is her and her boyfriend.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My third nipple is alarmingly under-appreciated.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.

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(972): View more from Texas

My roommate is on the phone with one of her friends trying to figure out how she threw up IN her pants. I'm not sure whether to burst out laughing or direct her towards Plan B.

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(206): View more from Washington

My cleaning lady broke my bubbler. It's awkward between us now.

(415): View more from California

Why?

(206): View more from Washington

Because she knows I do drugs and I know she's a clumsy bitch.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up with my keys safelty pinned to my thong. It's gonna be a great day.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Because its an amazing idea and you're the only one I can think of that will allow a pirate threesome

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(612): View more from Minnesota

And then I interrupted the father of the groom, to ask if she was "ballet or pole" in the middle of his story about his niece, the dancer.

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(813): View more from Florida

Fucking freshmen need to learn how to puke in the bushes outside the dorm and not in the fucking elevator.

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(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

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(904): View more from Florida

I vomited in the sink and my bra was in there...I don't even have words to describe this hangover confusion

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I really super glued a paper bow tie to my body last night. I need to do less drugs.

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(516): View more from New York

I'm seriously gonna die surrounded by a million cats and an unbroken hymen

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(602): View more from Arizona

Chick took off her bra in the middle of class cuz it was "too hot." How's going out of state feel now?

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(912): View more from Georgia

Yeah I hope so. Definately just saw two freshmen in very authentic togas and cotton ball beards. This new class is stepping it up.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i swear to god even though i took those meds before coming here i did not hallucinate zulema silently throwing up into a breakfast burrito

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Only she could turn her genital wart appointment into a date night.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Damn it if I pass out in the bathroom one more time this month im going to rehab...

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(740): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. After the fireworks it all went to shit. Do you know why I woke up with a road sign?

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(312): View more from Illinois

This girl just introduced herself as Queefer Sutherland. She's on a roller derby team. What. The. Fuck.

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(509): View more from Washington

They were fighting, but then they bumped into the bong and it shattered. After that they just hugged and cried.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I kinda wish he had even a slight idea of the sex I'm planning for his departure. I'm literally studying for it.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

It's only slutty when someone else does it. It's okay if it's us though

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're just mad at the fact that I want to be a car alarm.

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(705): View more from Ontario

APPARENTLY giving your friend one of your shoes so that you avoid the no shoes no service rule makes you drunk...

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(513): View more from Ohio

I guess I tried to spit on a homeless man on the walk home...Out. Of.Hand.

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(816): View more from Missouri

So he told me he didn't have a condom, paused, and then said "so, pulling out" and tried to high five me.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

When you get home we need to compare our schedules and set up masturbation slots. I'm scares of you walking in on me. Again.

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(574): View more from Indiana

almost passed out on the way to class today.. laid down in a construction site. bad idea

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(936): View more from Texas

Stripper told me "sorry i'm not squezing my tits in your face much, I just had a kid and don't want to squirt you in the eye with milk. " in the middle of my lap dance

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(704): View more from North Carolina

this is really not the time to pretend we have morals

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(702): View more from Nevada

facebook friend requested him the morning after while he was still asleep in my bed, a whole new level of creeper even for me

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(443): View more from Maryland

This freshman just ran out of her seat in a 200 person lecture, opened the emergency door and vommed everywhere. Then quietly went back to her seat. $2 Pitchers hit someone hard last night.

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(765): View more from Indiana

He thinks MY vagina is tight. That's saying something.

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(518): View more from New York

he threw up on me, hugged my legged and then started laughing. when i asked him why, he said "it's like the sour patch kids commercials."

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(705): View more from Ontario

She called herself a train and then took off all her clothing. I forget everything after that.

(905): View more from Ontario

I saw you two flinging Jello at the sidewalk if that helps jog your memory.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I woke up from my nap, looked out my window, and saw about bout 6 people get tasered in less than 20 seconds.....could someone please tell me what's going on.

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(253): View more from Washington

Just learned the hard way that dicks can bruise the back of your throat to the extent that you cant eat. You're dead to me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Just wanted to remind you that you literally cut the underwear off a man.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i have rugburns grass stains and some road rash. im an all terrain slut

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(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I have an asthmatic alcoholic for a roommate. That can't be safe.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I'm eating cake, watching wedding videos of people I don't know, and crying. Clearly I'm a vision of mental health today

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(716): View more from New York

Housekeeping called in a homicide detective. Just spent an hour explaining that we had vigorous hotel vacation sex five times, even though I was having a heavy flow day. It'll definitely be what you call a memorable honeymoon.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Yeah it was hard to find an opportunity while fucking him to say "oh the reason my lips taste so salty is because i blew your roomate 15 minutes ago"

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

This guy at the party just introduced himself to me as "the guy who sat behind you on a plane last year"

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(678): View more from Georgia

I Never golf you the sypdu of andrew. The one o will marry. The one j plwgded my last breath up. The one I pledged everything I live forbworh to. I love him more than life itself

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(208): View more from Idaho

Heads up. We filled your kiddie pool with kool-aid and vodka. Things are about to get Out. Of. Hand. Quickly.

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(443): View more from Maryland

I know i should have focused more on what you were saying in the text rather than the fact you spelt "suicidal" wrong

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(865): View more from Tennessee

His health insurance plan WILL NOT cover Lasix surgery but it WILL cover 100% of a penis enlargment operation...

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(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

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(863): View more from Florida

fuck. I just remembered I agreed to let you finger me last night for solely for "scientific purposes"

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(613): View more from Ontario

Funny favor to ask you... can you ask James to ask Chris if he came in me ? Trying to assess whether or not I need plan B.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Awkward moment #23: reasuring mom that the bf and I aren't having sex as seamen is running down my leg...

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(217): View more from Illinois

Some ambulance just rolled up to this bar and this girl just hops out of the back and walks inside

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(517): View more from Michigan

He kept saying "this is a bad idea" wasn't in his vocabulary. He left at 2 came back at 6 eating frozen waffles and he had a symbol, a moped mirror, and a new MacBook. I'd say he had a good time

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(218): View more from Minnesota

he ran me a hot bath. i thought i was in a pot and was going to be eaten. i was strangely ok with this

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Quick question... Why were there condoms frozen into ice cubes?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she said "the two best ways to sober up are to nurse someone or give a blowjob" and im gonna go along with it.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So I wake up this morning with a bottle of dish detergent and a dildo. Good call on bringing those girls from community college.

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(636): View more from Missouri

The only word I understood in that whole setence was semen.

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(+41): View more from Switzerland

I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples

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(615): View more from Tennessee

it's been like two and a half months. And I swear, I keep seeing walking dicks. I think I'm going crazy cause of lack of sex..

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(859): View more from Kentucky

They seriously just ended our alcohol presentation by giving us beer cozies. I love college.

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(425): View more from Washington

I did the seizure Bad Romance dance again last night, didn't I?

(1-425): View more from Washington

you were really good actually. your skill is increasing over time

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(901): View more from Tennessee

You'll be happy to know that I did indeed fracture my rib in a sex related injury

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I fucked her while she was wearing her boyfriends dogtags. I'm officially a bad american

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

im gonna call it quits for tonight... I am so drunk I dont even have the motor skills to masturbate

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(614): View more from Ohio

So apparently after he gets hammered, falls down a set of stairs and gets a concussion, he can still come home and find a way to play his guitar solo bullshit as loud as possible while i seduce my date...

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(416): View more from Toronto

You couldn't hold yourhead up but you managed to unzip my zipper. That's skill..

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(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

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(530): View more from California

There's a mirror laying face down next to me. A looooong full body mirror. By the looks of it it fell off the wall last night and was within centimeters of shattering on my head. Awesome.

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(806): View more from Texas

What's the protocol on showing a video of me sucking the life out of my ex in order to prove beyond a doubt that I give great head???

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(937): View more from Ohio

I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

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(416): View more from Toronto

he convinced the breakfast vendor to melt twix bars on bacon for me at 4am. he slurred every word. i think i found my prince charming.

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(618): View more from Illinois

we did rock-paper-scissors to see who would find out if you had alcohol poisoning

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(253): View more from Washington

Can you explain my first weekend back, because there a lot of blacked out gaps and 32 friend requests i would like to know about

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

Were making a bet for which twin will relapse while in rehab. I'm going for the chubbier one

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the crazy preacher outside Willard just began a monologue that began with "when i look at a vagina." We should stop by there more often

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(201): View more from New Jersey

bikini waxes are so much more painful when you know you're not getting laid

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(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

The dog threw up again, this time IN the toilet. I've taught him well.

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(949): View more from California

I can't believe we just used the phrase "jizz to juice ratio" in casual conversation.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Being a slut is okay if you're being a polite slut, right?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm too hungover to be in a fucking cow suit right now

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(416): View more from Toronto

He adopted an old drug sniffing dog so that he won't lose his weed around the house anymore. It works.\n

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(519): View more from Ontario

Ah, I knew it wouldn't be long before my boobs were introduced into the conversation.

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(214): View more from Texas

okay, I promise to stop paying strippers to hit you

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just sold a bike on craig's list for 4 four lokos and a 40. How bad do you miss college?

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(330): View more from Ohio

nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

And then I saw the naval officer and gave up that whole new leaf thing

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(620): View more from Kansas

throwing condoms aimed at his crotch probably isn't the politest way to ask for sex

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(303): View more from Colorado

and you're not allowed to put a penis in you if it's attached to a 26 year old who works at blockbuster

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(516): View more from New York

She threw up on me during morning sex and now Im pretty sure I just saw a woman die at 7-eleven. This is way too much for a Monday morning

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Just tried to use the bottle of Sprite in my car as mouthwash to get the taste of puke out of my mouth- it's half vodka. Puked again. Thanks man.

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(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

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(785): View more from Kansas

he climbed up to our party on the 2nd floor balcony and then pulled a glass mug and a beer from his knapsack. these freshmen are intense

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I really wish you were half the slut you're sister was in college

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

The saltiness of my tears mix perfectly with the tequila.

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(607): View more from New York

She fell asleep on the sidewalk and people starting using her as a hurdle

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(205): View more from Alabama

I just woke up wearing the O-ring from my dildo harness as a bracelet. Classy.

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(716): View more from New York

i dont understand why you dont get why i love him. i opened the bathroom door and he had his penis in his right hand and a mcdouble in his left.

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(540): View more from Virginia

For future references, orgasms clear sinuses.

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(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Thanks for FaceTime'ing with that ugly chick last night while me and her friend were in the other room. it's good to know I can still count on my wingman even when we're 2000 miles apart

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(510): View more from California

I feel like a great embryo-shaped weight has been lifted off my shoulders.

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(432): View more from Texas

then mid-sex he looked at me and said "i hope this is as good for you as it is for me" and kept going.

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(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

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(310): View more from California

I can't even teach it... It's just natural slutyness.. My mom has it too

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(757): View more from Virginia

You asked my mom "who the fuck drives four hours to sleep in a guys bed and not touch his penis"

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(516): View more from New York

i crashed through a building. if that counts then yes, i went out with a bang.

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(813): View more from Florida

were trying to schedule when i can give him head in between classes.

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(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

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(903): View more from Texas

I just witnessed someone getting head in the parking garage. Don't ever tell me Baylor is too conservative again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

it's official, i know exactly what cross streets we're at by the bumps when i give him road head

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(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

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(604): View more from British Columbia

All I remember is yelling RUN as fireworks started going off in the kitchen. Who said that was a bad idea?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just met his wife...she told me they have been having marriage problems and are spending his paychecks on marriage counseling...then she cried on my shoulder...NOW i feel like a bitch.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

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(309): View more from Illinois

ive decided something. ive accepted you as being gay. but i havent accepted you as a vegetarian yet.

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

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(269): View more from Michigan

My therapist told me it was ok for me to "take risks" now. Cue the hookers and blow.

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(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

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(614): View more from Ohio

i'm not the one sitting naked in my room playing with my boobs and a cat.

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(925): View more from California

At least drunk you showered before switching sex partners last night.

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(707): View more from California

Things got a little weird when he fired up his homemade flamethrower in the living room.

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(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm walking down the street with a Starbucks in one hand and a flask in the other. People seem to have a staring problem

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(876): View more from Jamaica

After we fucked, her eye wouldn't stopped twitching and she could only move her hand, which she used to put her number in my phone

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(305): View more from Florida

I think one day, after evolution kicks in, my sons will thank me for having a 3rd ball. That's how much sex I'm having.

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(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

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(540): View more from Virginia

hey, this is the drunk ass freshman from last night. thanks alot for helping me out last night, i'd probably be on some lawn if it wasn't for you guys! and my mom says thanks for talking to her

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(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

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(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(304): View more from West Virginia

What do you want me to say to her? "Oh hey, I need to borrow your soon to be husband to make a porn, cool?"

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(714): View more from California

im just glad that if you were going to have awkward hospital sex, you would want it with me

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(513): View more from Ohio

He dumped me and I don't wanna fuck his best friend for revenge. Is this what maturity feels like?

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(802): View more from Vermont

hey you sure the big one didn't have a penis she left the seat up

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(757): View more from Virginia

sitting next to michael phelps in the airport. wonder if he's carrying...

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(925): View more from California

is it true you fucked a yoga instructor last night??! ..and let me know if you want me to post that question on your facebook so kelly can see how happy you are without her

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

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(415): View more from California

dad just smoked me out. he's yelling at room service for not giving him cookies and milk with his towels...we're both too high to know if thats a legit complaint.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

she broke up with me and one of her excuses was constant soreness... should I be sad or proud?

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(240): View more from Maryland

stop texting me from phones in the verizon store and pretending to be guys i talked to when i was drunk. its confusing.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Ed hardy stationary at walmart. I'm betting snookie wishes she knew how to write

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(509): View more from Washington

I woke up to a paper award certificate for best blow job and he was gone. You're welcome mystey man.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Ok, but If I make this happen, my first born son gets to fuck your first born daughter

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm walking down the halls of our hotel and listening for sex noises and knocking when I do.

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(214): View more from Texas

Friends are holding an intervention and have no idea this gatorade is half vodka. This is gonna be the best intervention ever.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

remember when you told me, jokingly, to not get jizz on your shirt that i borrowed last night?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Maybe you should go over there and lead him on and reach down his pants like he's about to get some and yank his balls.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

That's the best idea I've heard all day.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Friday was tragic. I was naked on top of him and he didn't have a condom. Oh and he had an Obama poster on the wall in front of his bed so our president was staring down at me while I was naked. I felt sorta bad.

(1-270): View more from Kentucky

You should've just screamed yes we can!

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(616): View more from Michigan

His pickup line was "I'll eat you out"

(616): View more from Michigan

He did it well too

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(651): View more from Minnesota

you dont seem to understand my overwhelming need to watch space jam right now

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(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

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(716): View more from New York

We did like every position then did it again this morning. Something about him being the little boy i used to make sand castles with just made it way hotter.

(907): View more from Alaska

well done

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(540): View more from Virginia

Dont judge me. He may have been ugly but he was INCREDIBLE. He's like the Susan Boyle of sex.

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(415): View more from California

the brownie started to kick in before i finished the essay... it became a race against my own increasing intoxication

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(860): View more from Connecticut

just found preset five on the shower head...pretty sure my pussy just had a panic attack

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(303): View more from Colorado

She started crying. I don't think she's gotten head from a sax player before.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i just stepped in cum. i hate you.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Thats what happens when you don't swallow.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This morning my doorman told me it was an accomplishment for me to be standing and conscious after last night.

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(905): View more from Ontario

gonna sleep on the stairs... to drunk to keep going up, way to drunk to go down, gonna find a comfy spot right here... its safer that way

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(805): View more from California

they got in a fight during sex...she came out yelling and covered in chocolate

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(252): View more from North Carolina

he wanted me to put the condom on for him. I was high and couldn't figure it out.. so instead we played xbox.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Thanks for holding onto me so I didn't fall in my pee in that parking lot. You're the best boyfriend ever.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i just walked with a girl who was carrying a chair down the street. apparently she got mad at the bartender and took the bar stool when she left.

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(810): View more from Michigan

kyle and i were puking, simultaneously, off the front porch at 4 am, and in the middle of it he looks up, reaches his hand over, and says "knucks." And then I proceeded to fist bump him. By farrr the best time I've ever had puking.

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(585): View more from New York

im going to live freely with my legs opened and my heart closed

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(619): View more from California

I got to watch him fuck me from behind in the reflection of an ornament. so glad I decorated.

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(708): View more from Illinois

This girl just stopped in the middle of a sentence because of my blue eyes. She said she got lost in them. I am laying pipe tonight.

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(850): View more from Florida

how was your day?

(404): View more from Georgia

fuck the small talk. are you bringing the liquor tonight or am i?

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(931): View more from Tennessee

just woke up in my neighbors garage.

(931): View more from Tennessee

scratch that. I'm like 6 miles from my house in a random garage.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

jess passed out on the pong table. it was depressing until we started singing shania twain an hour later and heard her muffled voice singing along.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

see if i had a dick i'd definitely smack people in the face with it

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(928): View more from Arizona

she had no gag reflex. and is an abercrombie model. i love college.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm so cold I just used my boobs to keep my face warm

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(312): View more from Illinois

I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm

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(847): View more from Illinois

woke up in my one night stand's bed and barfed all over her floor. she came back from the bathroom, looked at the vomit, looked at me and said "normally i'd tell you to clean it and get the fuck out, but i remember the sex was good, so i'll let it go." Score.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You pointed at his crotch then made a thrusting motion. I think it's safe to say every guy at my college loves you.

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(214): View more from Texas

don't tell her this, but while we were doing it doggy style I picked up my phone and changed my status to "who let the dogs out"

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(602): View more from Arizona

I smelled my fingers after she left and they smelt like sugar cookies. I want that one again.

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(313): View more from Michigan

She pointed at me and told her friend, I'm going to fuck him, its going to be really loud, so yes, i need the whole basement.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

she is medically diagnosed as a nympho. she has the paper to prove it. hell. fucking. yeah.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think I'd do Clint Eastwood.

(440): View more from Ohio

...kinda gettin a major gay vibe from you right now.

(513): View more from Ohio

That was a text you sent me last night.

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(805): View more from California

We watched 'the mighty ducks' last night and took shots every time someone quacked. I woke up this morning wearing a nothing but a hockey jersey laying next to him on the floor. He was wearing a goalie mask. I really wish I knew what happened.

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(712): View more from Iowa

Doctor said I have sports induced asthma.

(714): View more from California

Call me old fashioned, but around here we call that "out of shape."

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(480): View more from Arizona

I woke up to 'call me' written in red lipstick on my chest. Thats the hottest/sluttiest thing ever. I win at LIFE!

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(949): View more from California

while fucking on the counter the whip cream was conveniently right next to us. i love thanksgiving

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she called me screaming that i shouldn't ignore her phone calls, because she's not trying to get me to hang out with her and she doesn't want to be my girlfriend, she just wants sex.

(860): View more from Connecticut

what did you do?

(203): View more from Connecticut

i asked her out. that's so hot.

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I just found out the guys at work had a bet as to who could sleep with me before i move away.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Who won?

(225): View more from Louisiana

All of them.

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(707): View more from California

he told me it was a naked video of him so i opened it. i just got rickrolled while sexting

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

you guys were way drunker than both of me

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(714): View more from California

turn left when you see the girl thats puking on the sidewalk. she hasnt been moving much so she makes a good street marker

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(305): View more from Florida

He went down on me in his escalade and his dick is bigger than my forearm. I'm never going back to white guys.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Last night was epic. Hooked up with Emma Watson, found twenty bucks, and then passed out on my floor.

(339): View more from Massachusetts

No you didn't. You drank unbelievable amounts of 151, passed out in someone else's bathroom, and we carried you back to your floor. Nice dreams though.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I cant leave dude. theres a horse with a top hat on

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(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

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(785): View more from Kansas

i just walked in on him masterbating..to a picture of me. that definitely has to be true love.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Busta Rhymes just yelled at me! He cut a song off and I was clapping and he looked right at me and said "don't fucking clap." I was that white guy.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Piggyback rides are my preferred mode of transportation.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

small problem..I have a major exam in the morning so I might have to go to the library after the party

(423): View more from Tennessee

so no drinking for you?

(615): View more from Tennessee

don't be silly

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(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Pro tip: Don't start playing Bejeweled on Facebook while waiting for your Adderall to kick in. Unless you have the next 9 hours free.

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(309): View more from Illinois

We had a complete conversation while I was giving him head, at one point he even stopped me and said 'I love how we're just hanging out.'

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(650): View more from California

I'm driving to work with an ice pack on my vagina. how was your weekend?

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(801): View more from Utah

Just watched a fat girl on a scooter run into the back of a bus head first

(206): View more from Washington

You are the luckiest man alive

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(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

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(516): View more from New York

i soberly give you permission to do that to me when im drunk

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I love the moment a guy admits defeat against the front clasping bra.

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(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

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(734): View more from Michigan

I would like to be the first to explain to you that if you've woken up with bruised knuckles this morning, it's because last night you tried climbing out of our car window and into the drive through window at maccas. The cashier chick freaked out and slammed the window on you and beat you around the head with her headset thingy.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Shittttttt.

(734): View more from Michigan

Be not ashamed. It was youtube-worthy.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I'd give my left nut to see you

(609): View more from New Jersey

don't do that. I like the set

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(214): View more from Texas

You asked the dj to play 'who let the dogs out" because it was your birthday. You left the bar and then re-entered to the song

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I'm sorry about your car but on a brighter note I did wake up in my dorm. That's something right?

(571): View more from Virginia

Fuck you.

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(917): View more from New York City

He tricked me...the first song on his sex mix was trey songz but the rest were techno....i can't walk straight now

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(858): View more from California

God I love babysitting. They pay me $10 an hour to watch movies and sext

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(630): View more from Illinois

Throwing up while listening to pandora radio. Don't tell me my life doesn't have theme music.

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(816): View more from Missouri

That fucking fat Asian kid that NOBODY invited is stuck in the dryer again

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(352): View more from Florida

Your my favorite hello and hardest goodbye.

(352): View more from Florida

And I especially mean that last part, half the time you pass out somewhere and it is impossible to get you to leave.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I mean I knew we were putting on quite a show but I didnt realize HOW good until I woke up and 4 people were passed out with their ears to the bedroom door.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I swear every time I make the effort to make my hair look nice, someone jizzes in it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I don't know who he was, where he came from, or where he went, but he just handed me a bowl of mac and cheese and left. It was good too.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you scanned your fake to get into the dorm last night and when the lady told you it was the wrong card you looked at her and said this is who i am thursday night

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(574): View more from Indiana

Sitting next to a girl in the computer cluster who just googled syphilis symtoms, started crying & got up and left. My life suddenly seems better.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(214): View more from Texas

My vagina hasn't been this smooth since I was 8. I better get laid tonight.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i'm high and 74% sure there's a monster in my closet

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(312): View more from Illinois

i had to take my roommates dildo out of her suitcase so I could use it

(917): View more from New York City

the suitcase or the dildo?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm at the bass pro shop. They have a river full of trout and turtles, a shooting range, a full bar, and the patriots cheerleaders are here. I now understand why people are rednecks. I may never leave

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(757): View more from Virginia

Manager just farted into the intercom. Whole place heard it. A number of people stopped everything and looked at him. Best. Night. Ever.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I found a wheel chair. there is now a high chance im going to be fired from this job

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(415): View more from California

MTV Made just made me cry. Where have all of my life goals gone?

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(609): View more from New Jersey

and my loofah got caught on my nipple ring in the shower today. what an awful experience.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the kid next to me in training is drinking sangria. its 9am here in case you couldnt calculate. its going to be a good year.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I imagine anything that isn't a dilldo attached to a jackhammer, powered by a generator won't be amazing enough for you

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(419): View more from Ohio

You mean 'full wolf form' wasn't a drunk text?

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(614): View more from Ohio

My drunk body wants to fuck you so bad, but my high mind is telling me it's too much work. I think I'm just gonna stay home and eat some Mac and cheese. Sorry.

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(214): View more from Texas

I finally won that bet on when the anorexic girl would pass out at the gym. You owe me 10 now

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like I paid NJ Transit $33 to suck his dick and go home. Fuck that.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I pulled down his boxers and a 20 dollar bill fell out. I'm telling you, the blowjob fairy EXISTS

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(571): View more from Virginia

i just wanna lock my vagina in a safe filled with bandaids and healthy things

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Woke up un the hot tuv. Climbed out fo the hot tub and fell asleeo. Woke ip again in the hot tub.

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(281): View more from Texas

I positioned my bed perfectly so around 10 a.m. every morning there are rays of sunshine coming through the window in my room. Now i can tan while PTFO.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

We raised our shot glasses and you screamed out "TO MY DAD FINALLY GOING TO REHAB!"

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(248): View more from Michigan

i don't understand how she was down there for so long, she's like a mermaid, a blowjob giving mermaid.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I just saw a van full of amish parents and their kids. Those cheating mother fuckers!

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(612): View more from Minnesota

he burped in my vagina and tried to deny it...

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(303): View more from Colorado

stripped for him at 3am on my childhood playground and used the swing set as a pole.

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(914): View more from New York

Sometimes I think that I have too much self esteem

(914): View more from New York

Then I realize that I'm just really fucking pretty.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I told him I'd have sex with him for fried cheese. Does that make me a hooker or just fat?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

my mom said i couldn't bring cigarettes cause it was a family trip, which was really irresponsible of her because now i have to walk around the beach drunk trying to find someone with cigarettes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

It never fails.. every time I have a dick in my mouth he calls me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She is chewing on staples and spitting them at her cat, I think it's time to leave..

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(757): View more from Virginia

you were watching the nanny crying, saying I wish I was that thin eating twinkies. THAT DRUNK.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(315): View more from New York

i should probably find things i have in common with someone besides drinking, before having sex with them

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(856): View more from New Jersey

a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I have my period so I felt bad and blew him with cash cab in the background. I wanted to yell out the answers but my mouth was full.

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(631): View more from New York

Just had a conversation with Jon gosselin

(856): View more from New Jersey

Until you fuck him in front of his kids stop wasting my time with stupid texts.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Maryland truck stops are full of people with killer mustaches

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!

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(856): View more from New Jersey

in the practice room. just found 3 bottles of smirnoff hidden inside the piano. SO glad i didn't get into berklee...

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(775): View more from Nevada

He tagged himself in all of my pictures so he would get a notification if someone commented on it.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Restraining orders are what college is about.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

just heard 2 nerds making fun of a girl for mispronouncing stochiometry. they followed it up by discussing the mathematical equation for getting laid. my day just became 100x better.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

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(856): View more from New Jersey

It's like you don't even want to get drunk with me everyday, anymore.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

dude there's automatic no homos on brad Pitt and Leonardo dicaprio. Everyone knows that

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(856): View more from New Jersey

i went to a real vip club. the bathroom attendant was wiping down counters after girls wearing gucci did lines of coke on them. where did MY life go wrong

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(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Dude, she knew her leg was on fire and she kept dancing. Bad-fucking-ass.

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(251): View more from Alabama

As a side note, my abs are sore. Most likely cause? Orgasms. Thank you.

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So, apparently I made everyone omelets last night. Even when I'm drunk, I'm still a trophy wife.

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(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

It was like doing yoga with his dick in me

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

I want to fuck you with a popsicle till it melts then eat it out of you

(580): View more from Oklahoma

Really.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Just pulled my keys, cell-phone and a pack of cigarettes out from between my cleavage. This one guy's face was priceless.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just dunked an oreo in a white russian. Trying to think of a better experience in my life and failing.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(518): View more from New York

I hraet yuo

(862): View more from New Jersey

did you say you heart me or hate me?

(518): View more from New York

who is this?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Farted during a conference call.SBD. permeated the room people were gonna puke.noone could say anything or leave cus we were on the phone with clients. coworkers were outraged.how I still have a job is beyond me.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

dude ... she has a full length mirror in her shower, don't even tell me shes not dtf

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Yeah like at least with a penis what you see is what you get with a vagina there can always be a surprise inside

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(904): View more from Florida

i forgot to tell you that olivia sent me a text yesterday that the mormon girl got caught with weed in her vagina at school

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(727): View more from Florida

how do you say "fuck me and leave bruises" in italian?

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

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(310): View more from California

A guy on the street just growled at me and said damnnnn. Sometimes it scares me how attractive i am.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

letting you know, as a good neighbor, that when your windows open and your shade is up we can hear and see you dancing naked to money maker... nice boobs

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(440): View more from Ohio

he was fingering me to the beat of a lady gaga song. new high? new low? i don know, but i came, so whatever.

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(514): View more from Quebec

take it from a girl who woke up with a girl in her bed... you were not that drunk.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

it was like one of those moments where the couple runs together and kisses and everyone in the airport claps. but instead of clapping an indian guy walked by and said 'ahhhright! get some!'

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(515): View more from Iowa

in case you havent found it already in honor of Toy story 3 we wrote ANDY on the bottom of your foot while you were passed out on the couch.

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(303): View more from Colorado

who do I fuck, the girl waiting for me upstairs or her roomate making me mac and cheese right now?? This is the single hardest decision I've always wanted to have to make

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(937): View more from Ohio

after he came i started crying. just to fuck with his head.

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(912): View more from Georgia

There are not one, but two women wearing my boxers on the couch right now. You need to wake the fuck up.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Turning 21 on Saint Patty's day. I like to think this is what my alcoholic ancestors have prepared me for

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(727): View more from Florida

and then when she swallowed her birth control with a shot of vodka and looked in my direction, i knew it was time to go.

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(817): View more from Texas

i came out of the bathroom and he had christmas lights wrapped up his leg, around his boner, and down the other side

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You flung your panties at that guy you liked with an accuracy that I have never seen before.

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(703): View more from Virginia

fucking a dude

(703): View more from Virginia

i mean: fucking a, dude

(703): View more from Virginia

wow, that comma made all the difference there

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He just called shotgun on the way to the squad car.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i told her my name was noah and she leans in and whispers "that makes me so wet." ive never been more thankful for the Notebook

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(330): View more from Ohio

We just built a bong out of a pineapple. I am never leaving hawaii. Ever.

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(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

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(305): View more from Florida

You came into my room at 3am.. drunk.. and asked to do spanish homework together. Props for being a good student.

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(850): View more from Florida

TYLER... glimpse of last night: leather chaps, guacamole dip, a jump rope, spray paint, and rhinestone studded pajamas.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number... but your story sounds delightful.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

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(901): View more from Tennessee

i think i left my bra at your place

(1-901): View more from Tennessee

It's still hanging from my ceiling fan. Please let me keep it there.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Somebody started a fire in the kitchen. I puked on it till it went out. The firemen high fived me.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i cvme to yuor rooom...wherer are youf?

(914): View more from New York

please be gone before i get back

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Wait. When you mean sick you mean a cold sick right ? not something else.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he wasnt completely random

(914): View more from New York

you're right. you met him once and didnt know his name. you still dont

(201): View more from New Jersey

i get things done.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

At Coney Island the sign for the rollercoaster The Cyclone says, "Make sure your glasses and weave are secure."

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(201): View more from New Jersey

When my kids ask how I lost my virginity Im going to have to tell them of a mythical thing called "Myspace" and how strangers could lure you into their "den of love" thanks to clever quotes and graphics

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Having kids is risky. They might end up weird.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Do you ever think God made girls unattractive around their periods as a warning?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I cant video chat with you tonight, my parents are home

(248): View more from Michigan

r u implying that im some kind of v-chat prostitution whore?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

and then he said that some chick told him he danced like an epileptic on crystal meth. he then proceeded to demonstrate this statement, which i can testify is 100% accurate.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

my little sister told my dad she found willy wonka's golden ticket in the backseat of my car. now my dad knows my boyfriend uses magnums.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My morning has consisted of lying in a fetal position, eating a whole tub of ben and jerry's, talking to my cat, and setting all of our pictures on fire. Does that answer your question?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

halloween makes it hard to decipher real cops... from sexy men dressed up as them.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

kicked my backpack and turned on my vibrator in the middle of class. success.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(201): View more from New Jersey

just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

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(516): View more from New York

On a scale of 1 to 10 how hot is the girl you're about to fuck?

(201): View more from New Jersey

Strong 6

(516): View more from New York

That's an oxymoron.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

if i were reduced to my simplest elements, i would be jizz and glitter.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just woke up with streamers wrapped around me. Glitter in my hair. My fish are swimming in empty bottles of Barcardi. Helpppp

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Whoever had sex in my bed during the party last night left a glow in the dark condom on my floor. I'm not even mad anymore, I just want to know who it is so they can tell me where to get one.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

She showed me her prom dress from 2001, which still had her date's cum stain on it.

(201): View more from New Jersey

Oh, so that's why you call her jizzarella....

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just stepped on my own foot and apologized to my shoe... THAT high.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Double fisting Gray Goose bottles. We've officially ruined her.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I'm graduating. Then you'll never see me again.

(201): View more from New Jersey

We better fuck soon then

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(201): View more from New Jersey

The vibrator you gave me is probably the one thing I will never give up if we got robbed at gunpoint

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(678): View more from Georgia

The police are arresting two women who got in a fight for the last Twilight DVD at Best Buy. Classic.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

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(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Care to explain to me why theres a baby food jar filled with semen in my fridge? or why its labeled as unicorn sweat?

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

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(281): View more from Texas

I GOT EATEN OUT IN A MERCEDES ON A TUESDAY NIGHT. I EARNED THIS SHIT.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

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(319): View more from Iowa

you are the sluttiest virgin ive ever met

(1-319): View more from Iowa

thanks it was an honor just to be nominated

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(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

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(917): View more from New York City

The sweet smell of jungle juice and bad decisions is calling our name.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

If I send you a picture of the guy passed out in the bath tub, will u be able to identify him?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I worked with a girl tonight that recognized me solely from a keg stand she witnessed me do sophmore year. Needless to say this made my night

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

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(304): View more from West Virginia

As weird as that was it was probably the best advice i've ever gotten from a tranny

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(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

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(734): View more from Michigan

So he said if we had sex he'd take me to Build A Bear. My virginity is so worth a trip to build a bear.

(810): View more from Michigan

You're 20.

(734): View more from Michigan

IT'S BUILD A BEAR!

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(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wiped a tear off her cheek with my boner. It cheered her up

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Could someone please kill snooki before she contributes to the gene pool.

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(760): View more from California

He gave me an orgasm with his left hand...and he's right handed. Of course he's a keeper.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(954): View more from Florida

tuesday night obama will do an address about the oil spill at 8... it'll only be about 15 minutes... but i think thats plenty of time for a drinking game. key words "oil" "bp" and "responsibility"?

(1-954): View more from Florida

Fuck yes. Let's make bingo cards.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

the best part is my dad got arrested for the same thing at the same bar 30 years ago... so he cant be mad

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

swears the blind dude on this train is faking. Every day he stumbles and falls into a different girl's lap and then has to grab her tits to steady himself.

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(928): View more from Arizona

I walked into the bathroom and the toilet was on fire... I stood there for like a minute trying to decide whether I should put it out or get my camera.

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(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

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(303): View more from Colorado

she was so "full of love" from watching twilight that she came over and gave me a handjob. when does the next movie come out?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the vacuum is drunk

(703): View more from Virginia

what?

(908): View more from New Jersey

i spilled my drink and tried to vacuum it and now the vacuum is drunk

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(908): View more from New Jersey

But i did once see a show where a women was homeless and installed a stove in a school bus so she and her baby could live there since all the seats were taken out. As far as being homeless goes it didn't look half bad...So this is me promising to you that if i ever am living in an abandoned school bus...i will at least pimp it out with a stove so you can come over for dinner sometimes

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm smoking weed out of a trumpet

(908): View more from New Jersey

I just did a slip and slide down the hall way of my apartment building

(201): View more from New Jersey

Tie

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Holy shit I just stopped short on route 18 because I thought my gps was saying I had to turn right in 11 feet. After almost hitting the guardrail I realized I had to turn in 11 miles.

(908): View more from New Jersey

Fuck I'm high.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

everytime i eat a fruit i feel like i'm eating ovaries

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(973): View more from New Jersey

RAWRRRR IMA PURPLE DINO

(908): View more from New Jersey

dude i'm sitting right next to you.. stop texting me

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(908): View more from New Jersey

there are singles shoved down my panties. this is the type of summer job i always wanted.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Oh i forgot. I hit on a mentally challenged girl too.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just found five singles in my underwear?! im suspicious but delighted none the less

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So this girl in my math class just went to the bathroom, tampon in hand, comes back with it still in her hand starts digging around in her purse, takes her thing of birthcontrol out, goes oh fuck, and downs the rest of the pills. Got to love college.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm so high that my cigarette just tasted like chef boyardee. no lie.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl im hooking up with thought my ring was a purity ring... apparently im taking it too slow

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it went kinda like vodka, childhood memories, screaming/cursing, fist fight, tears, broken shit, passing out. in that order. tis the season.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Just got roadhead in a driving snowstorm. That shit should be a Winter X games event.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i felt horrible..i wanted to somehow give him his vcard back

(914): View more from New York

that's a non refundable transaction sweetheart

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just went to a chocolate syrup wrestling party I think you need to get on my level

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(908): View more from New Jersey

this girl with a french braid down the center of her head won't stop talking about the benefits of the free market. i'm hungover, bloated and haven't slept for 4 days. shut up french braid girl, shut up.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

just saw a girl who had one of those monogrammed backpacks... her initials are VAG. is this a sign?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

it looked like a condom graveyard when i woke up. they were everywhere

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(908): View more from New Jersey

btw, i had a dream i drank 260-proof vodka last night. thank god that doesn't exist in real life.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how was last night?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

i woke up with my hand stuck in a jam jar with my keys in the bottom and a dog licking peanut butter off my boobs. you tell me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

so this chick screams out the name doug is bed..not to later do i find out doug is her vibrator

(908): View more from New Jersey

hello competition

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

how come everytime i call mom shes doing tequila shots

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i just hugged the lady at the liquor store goodbye for the summer...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

once i realized i was actively trying to drink the beer i was sweating out of my body i knew it was time to go to bed

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(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

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(908): View more from New Jersey

His sister just told me that she thinks i'm a stupid bitch and that by going thru with this I'm ruining his life.

(732): View more from New Jersey

sounds like a hell of a rehearsal dinner

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You need to find a way to go down on me and lick my toes at the same time

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

I'll google it

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Eating Doritos is not nearly as enjoyable when I'm not drunkenly feeding them to peacocks.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Your sister got a Brazilian yesterday. It looks great

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(856): View more from New Jersey

the girl next to me in class is drawing a guy banging a chick doggy style...its very detailed

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(315): View more from New York

he saw my "i like bacon" magnet on the fridge and i told him how much i love meat, then we started making out

(607): View more from New York

what a beautiful fairy tale

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(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

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(540): View more from Virginia

so i woke up.. still drunk and discovered my roommate in the living room passed out dick-in-hand watching porn..

(1-540): View more from Virginia

What did u do?

(540): View more from Virginia

turned the porn up and opened the windows so everybody goin to class could see him..

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

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(910): View more from North Carolina

just fit an iguana in a condom...have pics

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(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

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(614): View more from Ohio

We went to red robin and there was a 15 minute wait so we went and fucked in the car. Quickies, endless fries, and a mascot handing out balloons- this is literally the night of my dreams.

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(936): View more from Texas

My "High Times" magazine came in today, as well as my girlfriend's new sex toys. We're calling in sick today.

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(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(315): View more from New York

Look at the bright side...I have an 11 inch penis

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You're the 8th person from last night to text me this morning and ask if I'm ok.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just followed a trail of feathers and glitter to class. Today better be fucking magical.

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(661): View more from California

His fingers had 12 years of piano lessons behind them. my ex has been put to shame by a finger

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(972): View more from Texas

You named all of the cocktail shrimps and then tackled a guy for "eating Henry"

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

So I'm at planned parenthood and there are 5 people here from Friday's party.

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(516): View more from New York

I didn't black out, the guy in the Men In Black costume erased my memory

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(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

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(404): View more from Georgia

she was trying to give me a handjob in biology class while we were learning about the penis.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its simple. when his lips are on my clitoris i want to marry him. when they are speaking i want to kill him.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(571): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing this super skanky ass dress that's wayyy to slutty for church but I think Jesus will appreciate it because i look so bangin for his bday.

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(585): View more from New York

please remember that your boobs are bigger than your sisters. when you borrow her shirts they stretch and then shes left flapping in the breeze. dont borrow her clothes anymore. love dad.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He passed out drunk on top of me. Fully erect. Still inside me. Woke up like 1 minute later, and continued.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

He's like the fucking Houdini of bras. Not only did I not feel him take it off I didn't find it until two days later.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

The walk of shame isn't so shameful when you do it in a stolen, autographed Favre jersey.

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(765): View more from Indiana

you said you didn't feel like drinking anymore so you mixed vodka with your applesauce and ate it

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(416): View more from Ontario

He's a firefighter, who has his own band. I'm pregnant just thinking about him.

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(503): View more from Oregon

How did you steal an entire pie?

(602): View more from Arizona

I don't know. It's in my purse.

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(816): View more from Missouri

dude, I just walked in on your little brother changing clothes...I'm ashamed to say I noticed, but that kid has as MASSIVE cock...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeah...we all know. it's the elephant in the room at family gatherings.

(816): View more from Missouri

that is a frighteningly accurate metaphor for it.

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(240): View more from Maryland

were you wearing a green and blue thong last night?

(301): View more from Maryland

yes! wait why?

(240): View more from Maryland

because i found it in my pocket this morning...

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(760): View more from California

Just made out with the bride... She was still in her dress & I was still in my bridesmaid dress, how's that for an album picture?!?

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(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

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(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I just had sex with a black guy. He told me I had a big dick. I think that's God's way of saying it's okay to be gay.

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(631): View more from New York

woke up with food on the counter from chipotle, taco bell, green cactus, and on the border take out. explain?

(516): View more from New York

you were trying to get this Spanish chick to sleep with you. you were showing her how much you "loved her native food."

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(773): View more from Illinois

I caught a rooster roaming Edison Park then released it in the bar. They made me try to catch it again and somebody played the chicken dance while I chased it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(315): View more from New York

She recited Pi throughout ever orgasm she had....she said it was a game she likes to play...how far she gets is how she judges her lovers...I am oddly turned on by this...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(409): View more from Texas

We had sex on the hood of my car and broke the windshield.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Hiding in the clothes rack at walmart like a 4 year old. Already scared 3 people. New fav weekend activity

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(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

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(480): View more from Arizona

She's coming to town, taking me to a Suns Game, wants Anal, and knows we're not going to date, I imagine this is what heaven is like

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(201): View more from New Jersey

why is there a sandwich nailed to the wall

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(843): View more from South Carolina

when my professor asked "does anyone know what streches across south america" and a kid in the back row said "my exgirfriends vagina" i knew i was at home.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

you never realize your highschool teachers are real people till you fuck one of them

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

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(440): View more from Ohio

Im partying with a unicorn. You don't even know.

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(613): View more from Ontario

I spent all night sexting your girlfriend for you because you were too drunk. You're welcome.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Just saw a bouncer shoot a stripper with a squirt gun. He looked at me n said,"gotta keep em in check." I'm in love with this place

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(661): View more from California

It's official. I'm a squirter. Wasn't a one time thing.

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(916): View more from California

She said to delete the bj video, but I accidentally hit the 'send to her bf' button. My bad

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(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Just got a blowjob to the theme of Bohemian Rhapsody as the sun was rising. I should just kill myself because ill never top this moment.

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(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

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(913): View more from Kansas

just saw a midget ride a motorized cooler into the liquor store. i'm gonna follow him home.

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(360): View more from Washington

nah, shes just mad because we went through all her fb pics and tagged her crotch as all the guys shes fucked

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

the semester isnt officially over until i take the batteries out of my calculator and put them back into my vibrator

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(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(740): View more from Ohio

new rule: i'm not touching his penis until he takes me out to dinner.

(419): View more from Ohio

you know, if you actually abided by that rule there would be many more successful restauranteurs in ohio.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

I want to punch and suck your dick at the same time. I don't think we have the healthiest of relationships.

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(716): View more from New York

I don't care if the man pisses on teenage girls, he's enchanting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Last night i stole a disco ball from a frat house by pretending i was pregnant.

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(254): View more from Texas

I am coming home for anal

(254): View more from Texas

* a nap*

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(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

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(616): View more from Michigan

You are an asshole

(574): View more from Indiana

haha sleeping beauty awakes.

(616): View more from Michigan

Where did you find this costume?

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(916): View more from California

Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Well, emily woke up in Hoboken, cati woke up in jersey city, and i woke up in brooklyn....and our hotel room we rented in the city remained empty. Best birthday yet.

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(206): View more from Washington

Bought a water-proof vibrator. Rubber ducky is no longer the one that makes bathtime so much fun.

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(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

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(516): View more from New York

onenightstand. Woke up and saw my nuva ring on the floor. apparently he thought it was a glow stick. pick me up please?

(443): View more from Maryland

he didnt ask why there was a glowstick shoved up your vag?

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(334): View more from Alabama

God, i just love slightly insecure guys with hearts of gold and giant penises.

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I just woke up and shes still asleep next to me with her vibrator inside her and on. Whats normal protocol for this situation?

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(917): View more from New York City

pretty sure i saw you masturbating on chatroulette a minute ago. yes, i can recognize your cock

(347): View more from New York

I THOUGHT I SAW YOU

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Just made my alarm the Lion King song. Too excited about waking up to sleep.

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(208): View more from Idaho

My history teacher just took his shirt off cuz the classroom was to hot. And then he invited us all to join him.

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(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

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(812): View more from Indiana

When the phrase "Wow your huge" came out of her mouth I knew it was gonna be a good night.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

lol whn u cming hre I nd 2 c ur fce

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

IF YOU TEXT ME ONE MORE SHORTENED VERSION OF A WORD, THE ONLY THING YOU'LL SEE IS MY FIST IN YOUR FACE.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(519): View more from Ontario

Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.

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(217): View more from Illinois

he drunkenly confessed to whacking off before coming over so the sex'd be longer. this one's a keeper

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(404): View more from Georgia

standing in the yard with no pants on waiting for google maps to come and take a picture.

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(303): View more from Colorado

You hooked up with a kindergarten teacher?

(720): View more from Colorado

Yea. It's kind of weird knowing that there are kindergarten teachers out there with their nipples pierced.

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(561): View more from Florida

I wanna dance tonight. i just wanna grind my ass in some man's dick.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I know ur sleeping, sorry for waking you but i just saw a girl with mittens on using her nose to control her ipod touch

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(904): View more from Florida

I consider it a successful poop when you only have to wipe once.

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(205): View more from Alabama

im getting a BJ in a closet

(205): View more from Alabama

and a penguin just handed me a bong

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

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(410): View more from Maryland

He didnt have condoms & didnt trust himself to pull out. Thats when I knew he was a keeper. So I blew him so he knew I was a keeper too.

(1-410): View more from Maryland

True romance of the 21st century.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

The bubbles in my bathtub are singing to me in german....

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(864): View more from South Carolina

If you dont, I will tell Dad you are gay.

(828): View more from North Carolina

Fine, and I will tell him you fucked his business partner

(864): View more from South Carolina

Previous statement retracted.

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(850): View more from Florida

By the way, her vagina was so tight i was worried that i would be stuck forever

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(423): View more from Tennessee

today's thought: if you're naming your fb album "wEdDiNg dAy!!!!!!" you're too young to get married

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(850): View more from Florida

Just had sex with a girl from Italy. The only english she knew was Obama campaign slogans. Her screaming, "Yes we can!" as I was railing her not only turned me on but allowed my neighbors to know it was consentual.

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(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

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(620): View more from Kansas

My recently uploaded pictures to facebook: Me partying on Beale St. with a single girl on each arm. Ex's recently upload pictures: Several pictures of cats. I win.

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(518): View more from New York

i was watching some porn this morning and i realized i am blessed with a truly beautiful vagina

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(847): View more from Illinois

you took him to the bathroom with you to pee and told him he had to hold your hand..but he couldn't turn on the lights because you didnt want him to hear you peeing..and still got laid. i wish i had your life.

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(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Cop gave me a ticket for public drunkedness, and then I convinced him to drive me back to the party

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(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

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(270): View more from Kentucky

you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i just used the Cadillac of toilet papers. For a minute i actually forgot i was even wiping my ass....i thought i was floating butt first into heaven

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i literally forgot his name and just started calling him "waffles"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So I used the "I've never cummed from a BJ before" line last night.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

And that worked?

(919): View more from North Carolina

9 for 9! Not only does it give them a goal but they have a sense of accomplishment afterwards.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Just got head while drinking hot cocoa and eating cookies. Never in my life have I felt more like santa claus

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(571): View more from Virginia

non applicator tampons are so hard to put in when your drunk. i fingered myself for 10 minutes and forgot what i was trying to do.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(718): View more from New York

what happened last night?

(917): View more from New York City

u kept telling him to fuck u optimus prime style

(718): View more from New York

that explains why his roommate kept saying autobots roll out this morning as i left

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(330): View more from Ohio

so,apparently a side effect from having sex on the beach is now i have a tanline shaped like your sister

(216): View more from Ohio

i hate you

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(813): View more from Florida

yeah my parents were only ten feet away and we somehow managed to do it in five different positions without them noticing

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(845): View more from New York

I picked her up for our first date on a fucking horse. Of course I got a BJ.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

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(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

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(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up after 12 hours of being wildly intoxicated, got jizz on my face, and woke up in a different bed than I passed out in. My makeup is still perfect. I'm writing Revlon a thank you note.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

after I pulled back my foreskin she said, "cool like a transformer". I really like her now.

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(916): View more from California

He was trying to put his hand up my shirt but I remembered the coke was stashed in my bra so I moved his hand to my pants

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(831): View more from California

she's laying in my bed with an ice pack on her vagina. how do you think it went?

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(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

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(317): View more from Indiana

I put cups full of chips next to every bed, couch, and toilet so that everyone could have a snack when they woke up....

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I guess the cop knew i was on a walk of shame and felt bad...i got to play with the siren the rest of the way home

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(937): View more from Ohio

Dude, I just saw a sixteen year old girl in a catholic school uniform buying a pregnancy test... With a coupon!

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(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

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(415): View more from California

the mandatory saturday morning class for those written up by RA's turned into a gold mine...just met EVERY hot chick that parties.

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(630): View more from Illinois

You put a nerf gun to his head and demanded him to take you to taco bell..

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(605): View more from South Dakota

We played Russian Roulette with a revolving Nerf gun. If you shot yourself in the face, you had to drink.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I just had a dream where Bob Saget recognized me from when I hung out with him in a dream I had months ago.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Your brother just successfully got half the bar mostly naked

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(847): View more from Illinois

Jesus people on campus asked me what i do for joy. I said i love sinning especially pre-marital sex.

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(559): View more from California

Just figured out how to smoke weed with a toaster.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

you came downstairs saying you were now 'dressed to impress'

(508): View more from Massachusetts

what was i wearing?

(203): View more from Connecticut

nothing

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(858): View more from California

we sat in the hammock and pretended we were skydiving for three hours. jack actually started crying when i convinced him his chute didnt open.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

he yelled "RELEASE THE KRAKEN" then hit me with his dick

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(979): View more from Texas

Proposition. Sex. No words, no talking about it later. I just want you tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she starting giving me head in the taxi..the driver told her to stop..she looked up, said "I'm the birthday girl", and kept on doing what she was doing.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

she bought me drinks at the bar, made me pizza at her place, gave me head, and then drove me home...i think i might propose

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He was going nice and slow, then he yelled " BOONNEESTOORRMM!!!!!". I can't walk straight.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(650): View more from California

Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(972): View more from Texas

I am officially superior to you. I said "Go Go Gadget Dick" before I fucked her. I dare you to beat that.

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(509): View more from Washington

She made me cum so hard I couldn't hear for half an hour after

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(561): View more from Florida

I interrupted her conversation with, "are we gonna fuck yet?" and she immediately got naked. thanks for the blind date

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(931): View more from Tennessee

Instead of just putting in it he asked "will you do the honors?" it was the cutest thing I had ever heard before sex.

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(519): View more from Ontario

I fucked her on my hockey bag. it doesnt get any more Canadian than that.

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(310): View more from California

and then she yelled "im going to fuck the next guy that walks by me". so ya thats how i lost my virginity

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(906): View more from Michigan

i decided to cut a 3rd hole in to my snuggie so i could masturbate all the time.. all time low? or genius?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(808): View more from Hawaii

white shorts are a girls way of saying "im ready to fuck cuz its not my time of month"

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(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Got 6 blowjobs in one weekend... new personal best.

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(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

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(847): View more from Illinois

i blew a .213 what kind of thug blows the compton area code exactly? this guy

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(917): View more from New York City

so after morning sex, she rolled a joint and turned on sports center

(1-917): View more from New York City

you might have found the rare bro goddess. i thought they were myth

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(480): View more from Arizona

just throwing this out there: period starts tomorrow sooo either sex tonight or not until tues/weds.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

i get a bj anyways so it's really your choice.

(480): View more from Arizona

k i'll be over in 5.

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(905): View more from Ontario

I just witnessed two drunk midgets fighting over a graham cracker. I can die happy now.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(512): View more from Texas

The only thing the cop asked me is..... "how are you still alive"?

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(480): View more from Arizona

Not only did a random toaster end up in my house last night, it's also full of skittles.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(503): View more from Oregon

My RA just tried to write me up for having sex too loudly during quiet hours.

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(707): View more from California

My 10 year old brother handed me a pack of condoms and said "here, i don't wanna be an uncle yet."

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

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(317): View more from Indiana

The douche that always wears spandex at the gym just walked into class with a dick going into his mouth drawn on his face. The professor said "rough night" and he still has no idea. Tyring to get a pic

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

just because you dressed up as a brontosaurus doesn't mean you can poop in my yard and roar at my neighbors

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(817): View more from Texas

He ate me out and then left in a hurry and shouted "Sorry to dine and dash" as he left my house

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just gave my patient permission to swallow while pregnant. She was so embarrassed to ask...but her bf was really happy with the answer.

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(518): View more from New York

I just sneezed alcohol in a candle and started a fire.

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(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

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(310): View more from California

i took a field sobriety test yesterday. a crowd gathered, watched me pass it and applauded. then the cops arrested me because i took a bow and fell over.

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(513): View more from Ohio

why are there post-it notes all around the apartment labeled where you guys had sex and in what position

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(770): View more from Georgia

his dad told me thanks for making his little boy a man at breakfast this morning

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(917): View more from New York City

If youre the one that ate my brownies this morning I only have two things to say to you

(917): View more from New York City

Those had pot in them

(917): View more from New York City

And good luck on your interview asshole

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Say it nicely.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Fine. I want to lovingly bend you over and lovingly fuck the shit out of you. Happy?

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(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

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(209): View more from California

dude, you're never picky with who you hook up with, have a little dignity

(1-209): View more from California

nah man, chicks are like pokemon, gotta catch \'em all

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(910): View more from North Carolina

so just incase you wake up on the couch wondering how you got there--you came home at 7am, put ice in a cup--then you proceeded to put the cup in the microwave and melt it because you "wanted water". you then, fell down the stairs while saying "you don't know me" then crawled to the couch.

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(940): View more from Texas

She helped me organize my comics and then blew me. This is the one.

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(917): View more from New York City

you wouldn't come out from under your bed because you said there were six-armed bears everywhere.

(720): View more from Colorado

ohhh that explains the pepperonis I found in my sock drawer this morning...

(917): View more from New York City

no it doesn't.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.

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(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I just farted. And everybody around me is looking at the fat girl to my left. I win.

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Getting a high five from your dog when you're stoned is one the greatest rewards of being a pet owner.

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(540): View more from Virginia

she came over and started getting naked and said its not like i came over to just hang out

(803): View more from South Carolina

youve hit the jackpot

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(708): View more from Illinois

Would you like to blur the lines between friendship and lesbianism tonight?

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(720): View more from Colorado

I pulled out and her Nuva ring was around my dick... It was like I won a carnival game for adults... I asked her where my big stuffed bear was

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(904): View more from Florida

When I asked if she spit or swallow she replied "I never learned how to spit"

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(206): View more from Washington

You said that we had to leave the party together and proceeded to repeat the "ducks fly together" speech from The Mighty Ducks word for word. Soon the whole party was quite and started chanting quack..quack...quack..

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I get why guys like boobs so much. I just motorboated myself and it's fun. My boobs feel soft and squishy on my face.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw a Mexican guy pushing a stroller with 3 twelve packs of corona in it with a toddler struggling to keep up on foot behind him

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Walk of Shame time yet?

(1+44): View more from

Dude she's 6"2, blonde and on the cheerleading team. I look like Seth Rogen's fatter, unfunny brother. What shame am I supposed to be feeling?

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

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(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

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(703): View more from Virginia

I think you should know he took my pants (buttons and zippers included) and my thong off with his mouth alone. I found my husband

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(703): View more from Virginia

As I was going down on her I noticed she had a tatoo on her inner thigh that said "Eat it like your birthday cake".

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(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

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(801): View more from Utah

You dropped me off at the wrong girl's house.

(1-801): View more from Utah

There's no such thing as a "wrong girl" make it happen.

(801): View more from Utah

alright see you in the morning.

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(626): View more from California

Waldo just asked us for directions. Even he doesn't know where he is.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The greatest thing of my life happened today. I took a shit and it formed a smiley face. It's going to be a fucking fantastic day.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I mean, he was my book buddy in 1st grade. The kid taught me how to read, the least I could do was give him head.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Before we started fucking, he laid me on the bed, and asked my what my sleep number was, so that i would be "comfy"

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(714): View more from California

we're chasing vodka with high fives

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

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(812): View more from Indiana

The sex was so good, I called my ex during the 2nd time just so he could hear. Is that mean?

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(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

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(631): View more from New York

im so bored in class... i just made a pie graph of my favorite bars and a bar graph of my favorite pies

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(501): View more from Arkansas

This is a drunk text message. I am so glad that we are friends. Tomorrow we will eat sandwiches in miniature. We both love dogs. Flower.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

he gave me an orgasm. multiple times. the weird stuff he did in middle school is now irrelevant.

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(703): View more from Virginia

we were wasted and he didn't have a condom so he called the front desk and asked for one. They didn't "officially" have them but the night manager happened to have one in his wallet. He brought it to the room with two mints.

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(845): View more from New York

I was giving him head and when I deep throated him he screamed out "Ohh, top ten!"

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(347): View more from New York

I knew you were gonna be a good wingman when the words "dibs on the chunky one" came out of your mouth.

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(850): View more from Florida

hey. who tried to drive me home last night?

(904): View more from Florida

not sure. we got lost. what do you mean "tried"?

(850): View more from Florida

i'm still in their car. parked on the beach. no one else is here. i have on different pants.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

just met our mailman at a party, he asked me out. i said yes, but only if he picks me up in the mail truck. how jealous are you

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(801): View more from Utah

Eating doritas dunked in queso con salas. Salllas. Salska. Salsa. Got it. Shhiitt. Salsa con queso. That's better. I'm hot pink socks.

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(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I fukin lobve the states. Girls here let me fuck them because they like my accent. I may not go back

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(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

i don't remember it, but i know we had sex because my stuffed animals were facing the wall

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(703): View more from Virginia

I want to give my boyfriend great head for his birthday...can i practice on you?

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(714): View more from California

Literally just as i started to cum the church bells next ot my house began to ring. either it was the most epic timing ever or god was watching and congratulating me

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

They made my facebook status "I got my period!!!." Every guy I've had sex with at college liked it.

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(917): View more from New York City

half the nation just spent an hour watching a balloon fly around. we are officially the dumbest fucking country.

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(630): View more from Illinois

all i remember is you climbed in a garbage can and said you were trashed

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I had sex with billy mayes last night. HE KEPT IN CHARACTER THE WHOLE TIME.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I had my own version of the Hangover last night. I woke up to a disassembled Christmas tree, shit on the futon, and a hamster in the bathroom with a necklace on that said "Feed Me Bitch." I don't own a hamster. I don't know what I drank last night, but I want to do it again.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

just had amazing sex with a girl I got caught with in second grade playing doctor. her examination is finallllly over

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(828): View more from North Carolina

proudest moment: just made a guy walk into a parked car with his mouth hanging open cause of the shirt im wearing.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

She said "Lay the fuck down and ill show you how its done. Ill get us both off." I did. And she did. Best words ever said before sex.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up to a topless girl handing me a blunt. Candidate for greatest wake-up ever?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Guess who got arrested for public drunkiness, and called jimmy johns for the entire station last night instead of someone to bail me out? The cop that arrested me drove me home. Win.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Fantastic night. drank beer from a wine bottle, danced on a van, chased a llama, and fell from a fence

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(905): View more from Toronto

so I was like, you know platform 9 3/4? I know something else with those measurements. best. pick up line. ever.

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(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

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(406): View more from Montana

my brother is so whacked out on percocet from hurting his legs that he started crying because his belly button was so cute

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(908): View more from New Jersey

did all my christmas shopping this morning at 4am drunk. never went to sleep. i was walking home drunk last night when i passed a target and saw 3 kids having a dance off. had to join. somehow they convinced me to go shoopping with them. i bought 4 disco balls and a lava lamp.

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(972): View more from Texas

I just followed up on a noise complaint...only to find 2 girls in bikinis covered in jello with beer cans everywhere. I couldn't bring myself to bust that party.

(1-972): View more from Texas

I want to be a cop.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I told her I was team Edward. I haven't gotten laid that easy since I told your sister that I had cancer

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(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

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(315): View more from New York

Instead of having sex, we spent the entire night making pillow forts and have sword fights. I think I'm in love

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

One of my students just wrote an essay on how ninjas, like drug addicts, must realize they need help before they can get better...I gave it an A+

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so horny!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm so hungry

(508): View more from Massachusetts

WHAT A TERRIBLE REPLY!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

For your pussy...

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(208): View more from Idaho

U sang "shots, shots, shots" then walked 2 ur top drawer and threw socks everywhere singin "SOCKS, SOCKS, SOCKS!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

He drunk dialed T-Mobile at 3am and talked to them for 45 minutes and got his phone bill lowered from $80 to $60... Best drunk dial ever.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

the last thing i remember is fucking her. GAME CHANGER i woke up in another bedroom to her younger sister blowing me

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(613): View more from Ontario

I just saw a hobo shake a payphone until it spat out a bunch of quarters. what a champ.

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(954): View more from Florida

I decided it would be a good time to smoke on one of my deliveries but then I got the munchies and ate a piece of the pizza I was freaking out so I told him it was our new pacman pizza

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(661): View more from California

Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.

(1-661): View more from California

What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"

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(928): View more from Arizona

Maybe we should try and tone it down a notch. The neighbors changed the name of their wifi network to "i can hear you having sex".

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(305): View more from Florida

I want to do you till i cant cum anymore. Till all i get is a little flag that says "bang".

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(816): View more from Missouri

Since she's grinding up on your thigh right now, I'm sending you this text hoping it makes your phone vibrate in her vagina

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

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(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

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(614): View more from Ohio

so after six weeks of dating she admitted shes bi and asked if it would freak me out if we brought another girl into the bedroom. i said no in this hesitant voice and she said 'if you let me dont worry ill make it up to you'

(740): View more from Ohio

i literally fucking hate you so fucking much.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Jeremys mom is here. I gave her mad jello shots and now were griding. ima give it to her: ultimate payback for him fucking my gf.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

And we started making out. She asked me to pick a number between 1 and 10. I said 6. She took me to her room. A few minutes later I wasnt a virgin. DUDE I WAS GOING TO SAY 2.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I just saw a 3 year old try to break out of a daycare by driving a big wheel at full speed into a metal gate. Today is going to be epic.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

a girl just showed up to class in a zip up hoddie and sweat pants. said she over slept. i guess she got hot and unzipped it , it was only then she realized was sleeping without a shirt or bra.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

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(630): View more from Illinois

My vag wants to play a game of hungry hungry hippos with your cock.

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(416): View more from Ontario

Going to spend my cab money on more shots and just take the ambulance home

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(718): View more from New York

bro i finally banged her last night on our basement couch

(917): View more from New York City

I'm at this frat party right now and yelled "my little 16 year old brother finally lost his virginity." They gave you a standing ovation

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(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(516): View more from New York

my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(630): View more from Illinois

We fucked twice, I went to the bathroom to freshen up, and came back to him playing "Your Body is A Wonderland" on his guitar naked in my bed.

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(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(716): View more from New York

I just had sex in the back of an ambulance. Call me.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I have to decide between the hot young blond with no apparent gag reflex, and the brunette with a great ass and a trust fund.

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(847): View more from Illinois

He literally didn't stop until I lost count of how many times he made me orgasm. It took three hours.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I locked my keys in my car in front of planned parenthood. I'm terrified of going inside to ask to borrow a clothes hangar.

(303): View more from Colorado

Just tell them you need to fix a mistake real quick.

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(727): View more from Florida

I'm at the airport and there's a guy wearing all camoflash to go hunting .. Should I bump in to him and say woahh sorry didn't see you there?

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(850): View more from Florida

Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?

(850): View more from Florida

I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I just met a guy from Australia at the bar. I asked him what it was like down under and he told me if I went home with him he'd let me find out. I love Australians.

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(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

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(661): View more from California

the girl i fucked last night woke up this morning, disoriented and looked at me, and said "oh, you're hot." and went back to sleep.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I just punched cris angel in the balls. I have photos.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(720): View more from Colorado

o shit let me call u back theres a hamburger in my pocket

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm watching CSI, they found semen in the woman's ear.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

Guess she heard her killer coming

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(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

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(352): View more from Florida

i think it would be like really awesome if scientist could genetically engineer manatees to be like the size of goldfish so i could have one in my fishbowl and be like FUCK YEAH TINY MANATEE

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(347): View more from New York

in the middle of sex he stopped to tell me that he loved me... then slapped my ass and told me "back to business"... im gonna marry him

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(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So, it's like build-a-bear for your vag?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I was just tapping my foot in the bathroom at Penn Station just PRAYING for anonymous sex. You know how that goes.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

and she's shaped like a lego person so that's not happening

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(732): View more from New Jersey

My life would be so much easier if i could just ride around in the cash cab all day

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(732): View more from New Jersey

a man that wears gold spandex underwear and party boys other people is a man after my own heart.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

we sang an acapella version of barbara ann to his voicemail...i'm not drinking again until tuesday.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i also saw a trio of peacocks walking along a sidewalk in hollywood today. i really hope im not tripping.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I don't know where I am, but I'm drinkin & I like these people

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I saw a penis in my cereal this morning. do you think my cheerios are like professor trelawney's tea leaves?

(516): View more from New York

one can only hope.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

is this the only place in the world where you can get shot on one side of town, and have to stop for cows crossing the street on the other side?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Bel-fucking-mar, this place has more popped collars than a Hollister catalog

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You just left with that feminine looking guy you kept calling "Jessica." Just giving the heads up.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Got separated, got a half bj, got dropped off in random part of the city, don't tell anyone

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

well..are you winning?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

So...we accidentally left a bag of puke in your sister's room. Heads up.

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck the hobbit

(301): View more from Maryland

what about unicorns?

(732): View more from New Jersey

fuck those pointy horses

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i don't plan on having that self control this summer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

note to self..putting cheap vodka in a bottle of grey goose does not make it taste better

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the best part about being a teacher is there are always 20 little kids around me to blame my farts on

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(732): View more from New Jersey

so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate the awkward morning-after-I-took-your-virginity conversations.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm at the house listening to vengaboys alone. Please come home.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I am NOT getting arrested in a batman mask

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I wish I was that guy from the miller light commercials so I could walk into parties and take peoples beer without getting yelled at

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The cab driver just finished telling me how leaving community college after one month was the best desicion he ever made.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I just saw a license plate that said "Guidete" at college. This proves the world is officially ending in 2012

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wait so...it's like an actual thing to masturbate using the detachable shower head? WTF I thought I was being creative!

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Thought you might like this. Had a dance off with an andy bernard look alike and pissed my bed. All in one night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Lauren will drop me off I'll be drunk ride you for a little bit and then you can go to sleep

(732): View more from New Jersey

sorry. that wasn't for you

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just rolled a joint with wrapping paper.. and you say i have no christmas spirit

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I walked in on him shirtless licking the mirror while talking to his reflection. So yes, I definitely want to do shrooms the next time you get them.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

yeah so our basement was flooded 4 feet. we just smoke and drank and then went swimming. gotta make the best out of it

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I smoked weed with pregnant girl. I'm going to hell.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Watching intervention at a bar. Who let this happen??

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just got a girls number while on a 5 am adderall cig break this is college at its finest

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Somehow he came on his own face...then he freaked out

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Between the two of us weve fucked every guy at this table

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(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You kept running into the wall most of the night. When people asked you what you were doing you told them you were the kool-aid man and there was little kids on the other side of the wall who needed your juice

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(732): View more from New Jersey

He always grinds on me and is like "This is awesome because we're both Catholic!"

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Every day I regret the life decisions that led me to bank management and NOT being a coke addicted stripper. Every. Single. Day.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

its impossible for me to find something that fits my tits my muffin top and my ass all at the same time

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she named each of the players on the last ten madden covers in order and then shotgunned 2 beers...if she doesnt have a penis im in love

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(563): View more from Iowa

Puking in one of the stalls, a guy ran in and started puking in the other stall... In between heaves we told each other our names; i found out that it was my old best friend that moved away in the 8th grade

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(516): View more from New York

im stripping for him via video chat, but the sound is turned off cause his students are taking a test

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(541): View more from Oregon

So, when he came he screamed MORTAL KOMBAT!!!! at the top of his lungs and all of his roomates yelled back FINISH HER!!!!.....yeah kinda akward

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Laying in bed naked with the guy I just fucked, talking to his WIFE who's sitting across from us like we're having a fucking tea party. This is interesting.

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(915): View more from Texas

I told you I was good to drive

(1-915): View more from Texas

dumbass I drove... you sat in the passengers seat and steered with a paper plate

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(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

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(813): View more from Florida

I'm fucking your sister right now.

(1-813): View more from Florida

You motherfucker

(813): View more from Florida

She's next.

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I accidentally had sex with my boyfriend's twin last night...and he didn't stop me.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

How was it?

(847): View more from Illinois

Fantastic, but that's not the point.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(909): View more from California

I thought it was weird that her dad told me to finish and get out after he walked in on us. I like him

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I was just told by a cop that my party was the most epic party they ever crashed

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just woke up wearing a top hat and simpsons boxers. i also found more money in my wallet then what i had before going out, about $1000 more

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(334): View more from Alabama

This girl has a second refrigerator that she uses JUST for liquor, her kitchen chairs are kegs AND she can grill. I'm not coming back.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I'm using process of elimination to determine which of our neighbors i fucked last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Oh shit. The kids are pole dancing on a broom. It's like I'm seeing my future offspring before my eyes.

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(519): View more from Ontario

My mom gave me a book called "why good people do bad things"

(1-519): View more from Ontario

I didn't realize you were one of the "good people"

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(847): View more from Illinois

The panties match.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

I'll be right there.

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(806): View more from Texas

You told him you were auditioning guys for your new show: "So You Think You Can Fuck."

(1-806): View more from Texas

Best pick-up line ever!

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(440): View more from Ohio

Ironically her ferret's toys look like her sex toys.....this is a whole new level of kinky for me

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(773): View more from Illinois

I introduced him to the male G-Spot. Don't ever tell me I'm not experienced.

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(281): View more from Texas

All you kept saying was "my dick ALWAYS causes problems".

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(303): View more from Colorado

You were spooning my trash can and I had to crumble cookies on the floor by your face to get you to eat

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Your sister reminds me of me at her age. Stop her while you can.

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(214): View more from Texas

things I have learned from cosmo today- 40% of guys are uncircumsized, you can have a beer facial, and i really need to get tested for std's

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(813): View more from Florida

She loves me even though she knows all Ive done. Shes kind of like jesus.

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(614): View more from Ohio

My mom gave me a high five when I told her I was just using him for sex

(1-614): View more from Ohio

You and your mom would make an amazing tag team

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(217): View more from Illinois

What's the point of having 3 fuck buddies when their periods all seem to sync up

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(251): View more from Alabama

I've been watching anime, masturbating and eating nutella for three days. I hope she never comes back.

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(718): View more from New York

you're acting like its my fault you're allergic to sperm or something.

(917): View more from New York City

i told you we never speak of that again

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(616): View more from Michigan

sometimes you have to go after what you want

(313): View more from Michigan

true. and i really want to cum

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(727): View more from Florida

Your ass just called me, someone was yelling "awful waffle" and also, " I don't know who's hands are who's anymore"

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Sometimes I wonder why.. Then I realize I can't fool myself with that question bc we all know it's bc of his enormous dick

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(585): View more from New York

If I knew losing weight would mean this many fucking creepers I would've just stayed fat.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Tell me why I'm at Target and this entire Spanish family is crowding around the condoms questioning which ones they should get

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(773): View more from Illinois

How do the people at CVS not know your living in their bathroom?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I don't think you have the libido for two women at the same time

(1-309): View more from Illinois

I think you underestimate the amount of time spent masturbating

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(478): View more from Georgia

So i wrote 'don't sex me' on my stomach, so that if we got to a point where my shirt is off - he would know how i really feel, not just the alcohol talking

(404): View more from Georgia

how did that work out?

(478): View more from Georgia

Well, all the water washed it off, so we ended up fucking since i didn't have my reminder...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

I bruised his dick. I bruised his dick WITH MY MOUTH!! I've never felt more accomplished.

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(+54): View more from

My gynecologist just commented on how well my vagina was waxed

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

The tent wall coming unstaked in the wind and hitting me in the face really sobered me up

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I must say your penis is just as photogenic as you

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just finished texting the 27th male name in my phone that i don't recognize. none of them were the hott kid i made out with last night. the search continues.

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(425): View more from Washington

Just got cockblocked by coyotes. This would happen to me.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(727): View more from Florida

Everytime I sleep with him he gives me another hint to what his tattoo means. I'm like a slutty Nancy Drew.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I am not one to point fingers but since it says your name "wuz here" next to the dick drawn on my stomach I am holding you personally responsible.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I probably shouldn't have followed up that rainbow sherbet with beef jerky. This is a whole new level of fat, even for me.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

at which point I apparently ran in and shouted "I made the sex with that one!"

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I found a map from his room to his bathroom this morning in my purse. Apparently I was too fucked up to get there without one.

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(845): View more from New York

Her name is Sherri and her sister's are Brandy and Champagne. Of course I want to meet her parents.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I know I said that I'd stop dating 20 year olds... but at least this one's not my student...

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we are cloud gazing and there is one that looks like a giant baby riding a dolphin and smoking a joint

(203): View more from Connecticut

i wish there was a reasonable explanation for why this reminds me of you

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so horny

(913): View more from Kansas

I have no idea who this is, but I'm up for a lecture on self-respect

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(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

driving around with you guys listening to the beach boys made me very concious of how white you all are.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

There's a litter of kittens in my bathtub and beer cans everywhere. I want my apartment key back.

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(912): View more from Georgia

I love you and want you to know that you're the best friend ever and me lassoing you with a seatbelt was out of sheer affection.

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(703): View more from Virginia

you don't understand, he speaks spanish and is tall. i have to do him.

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(801): View more from Utah

He'd bedazzaled his ass. Im not even that gay...

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(708): View more from Illinois

He was rambling about life and dignity and happiness. but all i kept thinking was PENIS. YOU HAVE A PENIS. I CAN SHOW YOU WHERE TO PUT THAT PENIS.

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(224): View more from Illinois

get to allyx's house asap

(312): View more from Illinois

Ok is everything ok

(224): View more from Illinois

Yeah, theres just lesbians

(312): View more from Illinois

omg yes on my way

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(207): View more from Maine

Rode a jet ski for the first time three days after I lost my virginity. Hell of a week for my vagina.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

at least he left the skimmer on the side of the pool so i could fish out my thong in the morning

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(440): View more from Ohio

i'm too stoned to be pregnant. the kicking is morse code for wanting beef jerky.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently everytime he put me down to bed I escaped out the window, I faintly recall climbing into the canoe in the back yard, and air paddling.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Nope. She just screamed at me "YOU WERE A FAILED ABORTION" and "I'LL PUT ANTHRAX IN YOUR PILLOW YOU LITTLE FUCK". Best mother award ever

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(816): View more from Missouri

I should take him calling me "a freak of nature" after sex as a compliment, right??

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(716): View more from New York

I think we need to stop being best friends, its not good for our vaginas.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My dick just stopped my iPhone from falling into the toilet.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I think hes settled down now. He's just licking the walls and the windows.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

on toilet. in drag. drinking coffee vodka. I regret nothing.

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(586): View more from Michigan

conquered wheelchair sex. it's rather convenient. you'd think it was made for it, with all those handles and adjustable features.

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(602): View more from Arizona

so the plumber came, he found condoms, feathers and glitter in the pipes.

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(361): View more from Texas

Did i throw a brick at someone last night?

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

It was like a lincoln log. Seriously. I don't know who's more pissed, me or my vagina...worst.hookup.ever.

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