Texts From Last Night · Anonymous3981's Favorites

Sorry supreme_venom hasn't picked any favorites yet.

Anonymous3981's Favorites Texts:

Sort By: Date Favorited / Date Posted / Good Night / Bad Night

(519): View more from Ontario

My Bio teacher gave me extra marks for putting "deer with AK-47 seeking retribution" at the top of the food chain on my exam. 51% pass here i come!!

Fav 6 2101 884
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I legitimately forgot how to blow my nose just now. Sleep might be handy.

Fav 2 718 1295
share tweet

(360): View more from Washington

Huh. I think I went to highschool with the hooker my neighbor just brought home.

Fav 8 1890 892
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Facebook stalking ex-girlfriends who went to rehab. This is my life.

(562): View more from California

The fact that there are multiple ex-girlfriends who have been to rehab concerns me

Fav 5 2057 938
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm so sick

(323): View more from California

I would imagine. You did most of your drinking for brazil last night.

(310): View more from California

That and I think I got food poisoning from sharing nachos with that homeless guy..

Fav 3 836 1961
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Just saw 1 guy dressed as a cow and another dressed as a shrimp dancing on the side of the road. We're turning around I NEED to dance with them.

Fav 5 3703 906
share tweet

(406): View more from Montana

Apparently I've been blackout drunk doing abstract algebra on the floor

Fav 10 2041 785
share tweet

(949): View more from California

At least you got some premium homework time. Still drinking vodka from a coffee cup?

(714): View more from California

I switched to water. When the numbers get blurry you are no longer being productive.

Fav 4 2103 807
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Found my wallet. It was under my dresser with a note that said "good job you found me". Drunk me is an ass.

Fav 9 4745 1030
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Dude you were so high some kid was kicking the wall and you were convinced it was your heartbeat

Fav 3 2141 879
share tweet
(530): View more from California

it wasn't a normal cookie, i figured that out 45 minutes into my exam

Fav 4 3578 1238
share tweet

(248): View more from Michigan

Your cat is quite the conversationalist after some tequila and shrooms

Fav 4 3790 1231
share tweet

(206): View more from Washington

a kid puked on the floor and instead of, you know, cleaning it they cut a square out of the carpet with a boxcutter and threw it outside

Fav 12 3018 1413
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I wonder what acid is like for a blind person... Can we find this out?

Fav 19 2628 1124
share tweet

(585): View more from New York

Selling drugs in raindeer antlers is the best way to spread christmas cheer

Fav 4 2323 1008
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

Just had a memory of you pretending to be a begging dog putting your head on my lap while I fed you. Great night to try a new drug.

Fav 3 1678 966
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Luckily my prof thought I was puking from nerves and gave me motivational mini speeches the entire final.

Fav 7 2883 890
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I went around and congratulated every guy that had a beard for having one

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Goddamn tequila

Fav 5 2412 886
share tweet
(+33): View more from France

We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?

Fav 15 2551 1165
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

Fav 8 1637 808
share tweet
(925): View more from California

We blazed in her bathtub. All 5 of us. Not easy bro

Fav 11 1862 820
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Everything sucks i just wanna cry and smoke a bowl and pet my cat and die. All at the same time

Fav 7 1792 1828
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ahhh sometimes you just need a thermos of whiskey in the library

Fav 5 2436 745
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she made a facebook for her toddler.. his likes include lil wayne and ice luge. He has more friends than i do. I mean, Seriously? there's not enough booze in the world to make thanksgiveing bearable

Fav 13 893 2165
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Drinking gin at a party, riding a giant inflatable walrus all around the living room.

Fav 7 3034 904
share tweet
(707): View more from California

i just remember explaining why my socks were better than everyone elses.

Fav 2 2140 802
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.

(1-805): View more from California

watch me

Fav 16 4107 1063
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Why didn't I see you last night!?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

We made out like 4 times....I think I saw you.

Fav 6 5561 1069
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

you better take a shot tonight for every cat you have ever seen and wanted. this is a lot of cats.

Fav 6 2024 1014
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Three people drank on "never have I had sex in a tractor." Iowa at its best?

Fav 15 3835 986
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

I have no idea why I said that. I have no idea why anything happened last night, I broke my toaster making a egg. I'm going to quit drinking.

Fav 5 1813 1009
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Thanksgiving. This year's theme: I am thankful that I still have a liver.

Fav 2 2114 873
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

why is my forehead so bruised?

(1+61): View more from

i found you outside knocking on the door with your head because you couldn't lift your arms.

Fav 6 2657 1020
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I've never heard of anyone celebrating the holidays with a fuck buddies family before.

(419): View more from Ohio

....I'll be expecting my trophy when I return.

Fav 21 2536 949
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

So the drug dealer I'm sleeping with just got drugs from the other drug dealer I'm sleeping with

(509): View more from Washington

Isn't life beautiful?

Fav 13 2369 1321
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Stole a wheelchair from the hospital and rolled down the street smoking and drinking this is my weekend

Fav 5 1978 901
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

That is the best grammar in a dirty text ever. Excellent use of the semi-colon. And yes; I am hard.

Fav 20 5195 1144
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

I got stoned in my snow covered car and pretended I was burried alive

Fav 6 3144 1074
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

im breathing rainbows and everyone is talking in bubbles whatever you gave me give me more

Fav 9 3491 1075
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Im still alive. Just can't talk. Or move. No need to worry

Fav 5 1774 901
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I think I may be stoned foreverrrrrrrrr. The earth has been around for a long time.

Fav 5 2022 864
share tweet
(867): View more from Yukon/N.W.Territory

Cavemen vs astronauts. weapons to be determined. Who would win?

Fav 16 1918 971
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Apparently I texted my high school english teacher asking her to tell me what logical fallacies she taught us three years ago.

Fav 13 1842 956
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

We both paused during sex to do the clap during the Friends theme song. Soulmates.

Fav 26 6378 1403
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We just leapfrogged all the way to the bar.

Fav 6 2473 1090
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

fact: I now appreciate my drunken winter self even more. I just found $20 in my winter coat with a note that says keep yourself warm next winter. I am awesome.

Fav 5 3180 1189
share tweet
(320): View more from Minnesota

What did you give her? She's trying to tape her wrists so her hands don't fall off.

Fav 12 2983 1176
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

Goats are brash and offensive and cocky animals

(480): View more from Arizona

Are you high and at a petting zoo again?

Fav 5 5522 1280
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I told him we couldn't hang out because I had strep, he said he's had it once so he couldn't get it again. The sex isn't worth this level of stupidity

Fav 4 1072 3101
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

Fav 2 2490 1067
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

Fav 4 3389 1123
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

what's the name of the guy at the bank you blew to get the lower interest rate?

(816): View more from Missouri

um. wrong number, but good luck with your loan

Fav 11 8308 1472
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

just had to sit in the middle of an aisle in stop and shop because we're too hungover and needed to take a break.

Fav 2 2359 1015
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

I need to figure out how to tell my doctor that I don't want to fix my possible fertility problems until AFTER I'm done whoring around in my 20s.

Fav 12 3212 1236
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

At what point during this road trip should I let them know I've been drinking in the backseat the whole time and can't take my turn driving?

Fav 10 4716 1258
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

Well some days you just have to get blackout drunk and try to speak Spanish to French Canadian strangers

Fav 4 2744 1011
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

Also got home. Still stoned. Mom was up. We made a pizza and were writing a children's book. Sleep good.

Fav 3 2624 889
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

Fav 9 6487 1280
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Yeah we can't find him. He left a note saying he left and isn't that drunk with what appears to be an attempt at the quadratic formula for proof. He also wrote down his number and left his phone by the note

Fav 5 4610 1219
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

He just broke up w his most recent gf again, wish I could message her and be like it's not you he's gay.

Fav 7 2918 1067
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

Crumbling up chips, putting them in salsa, eating with spoon. New level of stoner fatassery. Its so genius/delicous i'm not even ashamed

Fav 9 2847 1131
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

Fav 12 3072 1152
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just realized I lost my social security card...maybe someone else will do something with my life

Fav 6 3181 1792
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

He just showed up to brunch with one shoe and only the battery from his phone.

Fav 9 2368 1172
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

Fav 10 3170 1213
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

Lost my key. Fell asleep on the doorstep and got woken up by host grandma poking me with a broom.

Fav 6 3151 1309
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

That dude you fucked three years ago just won Jeopardy

Fav 18 9106 1476
share tweet
(641): View more from Iowa

My therapist is concerned about your alcoholism.

Fav 9 4022 1376
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

When the cops come you probably shouldn't be poking cars with a stick.

Fav 4 2609 1123
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

Fav 5 5103 1238
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

when i went to the store to buy my pregnancy test they were giving carnations to all the moms and they gave me one and said "just in case"

Fav 15 4900 4359
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I literally just wrote "I'm sorry" in my blue book, got up and walked out

Fav 11 1566 2695
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

We carried on a casual conversation about plants while I gave him a hand job.

Fav 11 2765 1264
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

U owe me five dollars for that paper towel you bet i wouldnt eat last night

Fav 3 2790 1555
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

she let a homeless guy feel her up so she could go for a ride in his shopping cart

Fav 9 1944 4009
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

I take your lack of response to mean that your hands are taped to 40 ounces of something.

Fav 5 3418 1166
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I would ask why there is a chair tied to the door of the fridge.. but I am not sure anyone knows the answer.

Fav 2 2484 1078
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You kept making that girl eat peanuts, saying they were good for her baby..... I don't think she pregnant

Fav 7 2662 2266
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

yeah, she started doing yoga and cocaine....looks good on her.

Fav 7 3351 1516
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

We eventually had to ration the melon vodka. 10 pushups per shot. THATS why my arms hurt

Fav 12 3434 1112
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

She said her hobbies include bangin guys on one night stands and then sending them facebook relationship requests the next morning just to freak em out

Fav 33 11717 1646
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

it took me 20 minutes to get her upstairs... she crawled under a car and wouldn't come out.

Fav 6 2894 1206
share tweet
(530): View more from California

You are beautiful! I got thrown out of a bar tonight for throwing my shoe. It was at my sister, I don't know why they were mad. I know her.

Fav 6 4308 1038
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Had to awkwardly dig through all my fake ID's to get my real one so I could vote.......Model citizen over here.

Fav 8 4267 1005
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Babe when I told you that you needed to grow up I didn't mean get drunk and sponsor 8 African kids.

Fav 19 4355 1525
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

i think i figured out where our problem might have started...when we poured more tequila on top of out margaritas to melt the ice bc they were too cold

(1-585): View more from New York

hahaha or putting rum in the bbq sauce?

Fav 4 3292 921
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Now one day I will be able to tell my children how a drag queen in a gay bar told mommy that bin laden was dead

Fav 18 5752 1563
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

they're both coked to the gills having a shouting match about the powers and abilities of godzilla. and using the wikipedia entry on the topic to support their respective arguments.

Fav 10 2935 1477
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

yeah. you were just sitting there watching transformers, caressing your toaster.

Fav 14 7816 1298
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I had another sleeping on concrete incident.

Fav 10 3298 1559
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

So on facebook, the pictures from my church mission trip are right up next to the pictures of my first time on E. Sorry Jesus.

Fav 28 6061 1369
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

gin and tonic in a mug. no limes so im using canned madarin oragnes. classy or trashy?

(940): View more from Texas

homeless.

Fav 17 5107 1362
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Passed out on a playground for a while before trying to break into the elementary school. Erica thought her captain tasted like cat food, so she poured her bottle into her cat's dish and proceeded to eat it like cereal.

(1-360): View more from Washington

You win. Erica always eats cat food.

Fav 10 4131 1094
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I got "discovered a new religion high" last night

Fav 23 5283 1123
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

Fav 14 4875 1428
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

i woke up convinced that my room was backwards i tried to go into the closet to get outta my room

Fav 4 4338 1121
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

Yeah well I just ate cereal out of a muffin pan with a fork. I'll flip a coin as to who has to tackle that pile of dishes we've neglected for 3 weeks.

Fav 27 1487 4346
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer

Fav 30 1073 3026
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

I'll trade you a raw potato for some vodka

Fav 23 7069 1160
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

do you think my med school application would be worse off if "I like helping others and shit" slipped into an essay I emailed last night?

Fav 17 1257 5279
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

you were carrying around a glass of vodka telling everyone it was Russian water

Fav 15 7934 1045
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

some guy just got out of his chair quietly. Laid down on the floor and is now asleep in between rows in my lecture hall. He must have had a rough night.

Fav 18 9992 1171
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

why im i the only drunk person in the library?

Fav 20 6313 1151
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Whatever. We're stealing a penguin. Your not allowed near him... You did this to yourself.

Fav 40 13034 1831
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

We realized he wasn't with us anymore, so we turn around and he's 20 feet back, peeing on a squirrel.

Fav 7 4077 1579
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Land Before Time marathon. we drink every time littlefoot almost eats a treestar.

Fav 13 6319 1310
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

Fav 17 9489 1645
share tweet
(787): View more from Puerto Rico

He pulled a potato out of his bag in the library. A WHOLE FRIGGIN POTATO. He ate it like it was an apple and waved at the librarian as she stared at him.

Fav 21 5018 1507
share tweet
(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

Fav 13 4022 1554
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Can we get blazed at 9:06 on sunday and reenact the moment of my birth?

(312): View more from Illinois

I get to be your mom.

Fav 11 4062 1729
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

I just had a boat ride of shame. With Senior Citizens.

Fav 8 2738 1583
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Almost propositioned sex in exchange for a study guide for my final tomorrow.

Fav 21 2758 1463
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I don't think he grasps the fact that I would much rather he finish inside me than on my $400 Anthropolgie bedspread

Fav 21 3946 2078
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

you sat in the middle of your kitchen floor feeding your dog blueberries one by one

Fav 9 2506 1065
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

Hannah wants to know if she cant borrow your stats notes because she threw up on hers.

Fav 4 2148 1645
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Apparently I was pointing at birds and yelling "YOU USED TO BE A DINOSAUR!!!"

Fav 19 6204 1572
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

come over i need a lifeguard for my shower

Fav 29 10133 1779
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

Fav 12 5047 1395
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

went for icecream. accidentally deepthroated it. my mom gave me a dirty look, but the kid behind the counter looked impressed

Fav 53 11998 1840
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

who loves string cheese????? I LOVE STRING CHEESE!!!

(404): View more from Georgia

you know...if you didn't give such great head little things like this would ruin our friends with benefits relationship.

Fav 36 7000 1853
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you said you couldnt let go of the fence because your hand was molding to it.

Fav 28 4084 1559
share tweet
(310): View more from California

thankjk goddddn taco bell uis open htis lateee!

(1-310): View more from California

you do know it's eleven in the afternoon, right?

Fav 30 12341 1703
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...

Fav 11 5207 1804
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I went outside for a smoke at 4 and things seemed normal. It's 6 now and the front lawn is COVERED in tortilla chips. WTF?

Fav 14 6200 1430
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Everyone agrees they like your mother better drunk

Fav 44 5929 1661
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

Fav 27 9876 1672
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?

(1-330): View more from Ohio

she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.

Fav 33 6187 2011
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

its taking every last moral i have not to steal this bike

(303): View more from Colorado

you still have morals?

(443): View more from Maryland

Well actually itd just be too hard to ride the bike with this large rake i just stole

Fav 46 10199 1911
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I went golfing for the first time today!! Aren't you proud?

(262): View more from Wisconsin

Driving a golf cart around all day with a keg attatched to the back doesn't exactly count as golfing

Fav 20 6526 1402
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

The little penguins are speaking with a hispanic accent. I dont know how to feel about it. Geographically speaking, this cant be possibly. This isnt cool.

Fav 44 5591 1668
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

At the pride parade. It's not even noon and I'm drunk as shit... for equality of course

Fav 25 5433 1395
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

...just for future reference, one Four Loko can fits PERFECTLY in a venti iced coffee cup from Starbucks

Fav 19 3738 1261
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

Things I love twice as much when drunk: Taco Bell. Office chairs that roll. Classes.

Fav 9 4427 1204
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I found out what happened to my eye. I punched myself in the face.

Fav 7 4029 1911
share tweet
(+06): View more from

We had sex in front of Notre Dame Cathedral, but I lost my wallet. God giveth and God taketh away.

Fav 13 6760 1387
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were walking and you spelled the word "oats" to prove you weren't drunk.

Fav 5 3369 1165
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

she's just sitting here eating cilantro out of my herb garden and watching some show about ducks on tv and laughing, what the fuck did you give her?

Fav 14 5492 1480
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Wash that dress asap. You laid down on the kitchen floor and tried to sweep the floor with your body.

Fav 3 1337 2395
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

Fav 10 3622 1695
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I drunkenly asked a stripper to join our volleyball team.

Fav 11 3312 1188
share tweet
(619): View more from California

His "hunger Strike for change" lasted 4 days. Hi welcome to my coke binge last weekend....not impressed

Fav 11 1613 2615
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Stumbled into class and into a desk. When I fell my bottle broke in my backpack. I had to leave there was vodka everywhere.

Fav 20 1581 4012
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, it's free alcohol, to turn it down would be a crime against humanity.

Fav 9 5405 1240
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I was so high I thought there were pigeons in my room. Long story short there are now donut crumbs all around my bedroom.

Fav 13 5987 1439
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I come up with the best drinking games while babysitting

Fav 11 4487 1615
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Here's the thing. I'm really high and have lots of questions about lightning.

Fav 19 9502 1633
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

On your way out, lock the front door. And by lock the front door, I mean find the door handle, reattach it, and then lock it.

Fav 12 7360 1587
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

im sitting in the back of my pickup eating an artichoke. please come find me, im scared.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

that was a mass text, wasnt it?

Fav 22 7508 1826
share tweet
(310): View more from California

can your parents tell?

(310): View more from California

i just had a cookie in one hand and a phone in the other and tried to eat my phone...they know

Fav 26 10066 1975
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

When you're opening a bottle of tequila with a golf club, it's probably time to stop drinking...

Fav 13 5216 1429
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Please tell me you saw the asian lady with the medical mask on cutting her lawn with scissors.

Fav 21 8917 1547
share tweet
(61): View more from Australia

Just drunk tweeted NASA asking them to give me a lift home in one of their spaceships. Fingers crossed

Fav 10 5012 1305
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

This is absurd. I need a man. Or even a moderately-clean hobo will do at this point.

Fav 5 1164 3044
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

He offered me a ride home but i walked. He lives by an elementary school so a 10 yr old safety officer helped me across the street during my walk of shame

Fav 6 5735 1501
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

its sad that I know 23 beers will fit into my purse

Fav 18 3823 1345
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

i'm way too high for it to be safe that i just discovered i have a fire extinguisher

Fav 5 2591 1305
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I sat in the bathroom on the counter and gave out advice to all the random people that walked in

Fav 6 3420 1239
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cannot for the life of me remember why I am holding this rabbit.

Fav 9 4443 1371
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife

Fav 9 2663 1932
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Coming home soaking wet at three am and trying to convince the front desk man that we came from the library might have worked if I wasn't also roaring at everything.

Fav 5 4189 1278
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Clearly he doesn't understand my need to be surrounded by cats at all times

Fav 14 1989 4787
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Fuuuuck. Forgot it's October. FYI scarecrows are gonna fuck you up when you're driving high

Fav 11 5341 1611
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

They have a guy from new zealand living under their stairs.. they don't charge him rent. He just buys food and booze and bartends their house parties.

Fav 24 10561 1388
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

beyond obliterated. i recall legitimately trying to use a ballpoint pen as eyeliner.

Fav 12 3624 2184
share tweet
(408): View more from California

im proctoring the SATs right now and im still drunk from last night. i really wanna tell these kids that this fucking test doest mean shit and they will just be constantly drunk once in college.

Fav 12 7657 1342
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

Fav 23 4917 1224
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Just traded a samurai sword for some drugs. It's gonna be one random ass night

Fav 29 4269 1627
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Woke up with string cheese braided into my hair- literally braided

Fav 6 5207 2061
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I know it sounds like a good idea, but doing Spanish homework at a bar just because the owners are Mexican and they give us margaritas really wasn't the best decision.

Fav 7 4453 1145
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

He left with a pair of dress shoes, some goggles, and a shot glass. I think we should follow him.

Fav 6 4703 1339
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You can't keep basing your relationship off of the fact that you both love ramen noodles

Fav 9 4662 1482
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I was desperate so I downed my birth control with balsamic vinaigrette...

Fav 17 1198 5071
share tweet
(+61): View more from Australia

She's singing So Happy Together to her burrito, I want to be on her level.

Fav 15 6295 1346
share tweet
(209): View more from California

She woke up laying on my kitchen floor, ketchup bottle as her pillow, in front of my fridge.

Fav 6 3131 1256
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

Fav 20 9422 1836
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

she got pretty angry when i tried to superglue her fingers together.

Fav 2 3247 1519
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You're surprisingly coherent for someone who thinks her couch is breathing.

Fav 6 4798 1259
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

where's my purse there's an important taco in it

Fav 19 7809 1438
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

When I came home you were using a glowstick to eat peanut butter from the jar.

Fav 15 5588 1659
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why are there maracas in the dishwasher?

Fav 14 5614 1160
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

we need to start a braincell conservation fund for you, sort of like save the whales or something.

Fav 3 3155 1133
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

well right now he's telling us a story how he befriended a racoon

Fav 6 3782 1269
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

There's two big trays of water in our freezer. I just hope they freeze by Saturday. for the ice luge.

(440): View more from Ohio

its Wednesday...

(315): View more from New York

they're reeeeeally big trays

Fav 7 3264 1216
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

Last time we were that stoned we made a "everything you can fit in the blender" shake. Didn't end well..

Fav 8 1316 2315
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

Fav 4 5232 1258
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

i've learned that i'm good at stealing things. like live cats.

Fav 17 4942 1960
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Just asked the bartender if I could use the register to see my grades.

Fav 10 3854 1230
share tweet
(209): View more from California

found used condoms and an omlet in my uggs. I'm disgusted but not surprised.

Fav 7 1394 4152
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Rent Disney Oceans. Smoke a bowl. Fast forward to the seal section. Then call me.

Fav 4 5541 1191
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

The bartender gave me a roll of masking tape so I could tape my heels to my feet so I wouldn't lose them when i went drunk running later that night

Fav 12 4964 1076
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Apparently I had an idea for a cooking show and then proceeded to throw cookies at people.

Fav 6 3962 1091
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

did you seriously make the punch out of vodka and food coloring

Fav 24 13083 2008
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.

Fav 6 2771 1157
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?

Fav 6 4124 1225
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Annd you probably wouldn't of fallen down the stairs if you didn't insist on taking 'finale shots'

Fav 4 3182 975
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Making and watching you take a mixed shot with vodka, chocolate syrup, tobasco sauce, cranberry juice, and sundried tomato juice wasnt the highlite of my night. Hearing you puking from downstairs was.

Fav 12 3822 1512
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I'm blazed about to take my 8am final. Another girl is too. We just looked each other in the eyes. She's my soul sister.

Fav 8 7238 1333
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

In the library. Still drunk. Shoes missnig. Term paper due in fiften minutes. Iff I puke u think theyll throw me out?

Fav 6 1503 3736
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I haven't seen any of my friends sober in months. We have classes together.

Fav 4 4112 1107
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Making a drinking game out of jeopardy does not mean you studied..

Fav 6 4081 1084
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.

Fav 11 2944 2251
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

My dad is drinking wine out of a measuring cup. This explains so much.

Fav 5 3959 1155
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He had a cowboy hat I don't know where from and he was trying to lasso a snowman with a dog leash.

Fav 9 3604 1150
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

we tried to pick out bridesmaid dresses with pockets so we could sneak flasks in with us. what the fuck is the point of a dry wedding?

Fav 11 5036 1218
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Go ahead. I tried to back up ur budhism story but she mite be catching on

(917): View more from New York City

Dammit. I hoped that would work. Just tell her I'm doing my pilgrmidge to Nepal or something.

Fav 3 2752 1187
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i will be the first lesbian to ever fail women's studies.

Fav 10 4942 2070
share tweet
(925): View more from California

Just calculated that for my last final tomorrow I need 120% to improve my grade and 53% to keep it..buying 30 packs now, go get dressed

Fav 8 4147 1087
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.

Fav 11 2579 1991
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure I just had a convo with my hot pockets about how they weren't good enough for the oven.

Fav 4 4217 1203
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

You spent about half an hour trying to convince me that mesh condoms were a good idea.

Fav 4 1405 4336
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

They're watching TV in bed. The Golden Girls to be exact. Aaaand I just heard them singing along with the theme song. I love living with gays.

Fav 13 8160 1532
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....

Fav 9 3642 1304
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

It is scary how often "just flash him" is your advice.

Fav 7 3823 1345
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Those foam number one hands, are the BEST socks.

Fav 1 2873 1018
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Also, at 1:30 I emailed myself saying, "are you there Margaret? It's me, god"

Fav 10 4677 1173
share tweet
(805): View more from California

We found her in the fireplace eating dog biscuits.

Fav 17 1365 2882
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

at what point did you think saran wrap was a better alternative to shoes?

Fav 3 2841 1718
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she came home completely covered in mud, pretending to be a bird...and she still had more sex than any of us this weekend.

Fav 4 3934 1309
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we bought a duck. we're keeping him in our dorm room. don't ever try to tell me you've had a better freshman year than me.

Fav 8 5413 1242
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm voting my liver organ of the month. The award ceremony is next weekend.

Fav 7 3681 1145
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Bitches at mcdonalds acting like they never seen a girl puke in her own coat pocket before

Fav 4 3568 3823
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

I poured myself a glass of chocolate chips at some point during the evening.

Fav 7 4144 1275
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

Fav 8 4342 1346
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

As you were leaving the bar you grabbed a table and when they stopped you, you said "Its cool i came in with this". They did not believe you.

Fav 12 7414 1954
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Do your friends by chance have our inflatable deer head?

(607): View more from New York

Nevermind, it's in the dryer.

Fav 6 3754 1214
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

i just declared my major based on how close the department building was to our apartment. laziness has been brought to a new level

Fav 11 3257 1907
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I asked him if his doormat had a name, then proceeded to sit on it for the next 30 minutes while signing that magic carpet ride song from aladdin.

Fav 6 3796 1386
share tweet
(415): View more from California

just had to make the 420 edibles gluten free and kosher for passover.

Fav 6 3565 1266
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE

Fav 10 1655 3716
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We just filmed our own version of iron chef. The secret ingreient was whisky.

(1-306): View more from Saskatchewan

What did you cook with whisky?

(306): View more from Saskatchewan

We started a fire.

Fav 11 6437 1597
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

could you please tell me why you thought vodka soaked band aids were a good idea?

Fav 11 1152 2728
share tweet
(858): View more from California

for the record, graham crackers won't get the taste of cock out of your mouth. also we're out of graham crackers

Fav 19 4577 1997
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

We convinced you to take a shot out of the sponge...there were still suds in it.

Fav 3 954 3144
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the caf people were giving us weird looks and she yelled ITS A LIFE STYLE

Fav 5 2216 1172
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

He taped the number 420 over all of his clocks

Fav 8 2630 1276
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Ifound a recepit for a hotel room in my sock. soo.. Ithink thats where my dog is.

Fav 7 4938 1942
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just got a event reminder on my phone to never party with you again.

Fav 5 5597 1252
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

I was told to ask you about memoirs of a geisha.

Fav 7 2452 1209
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

i will replace your cream cheese. there's enough for breakfast. you are my friend. i had guests we wanted bagels so bad im sorry. i left you notes. i love you. you have enough for a bagel or two and i will get you more. you are so pretty.

Fav 30 15357 1683
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

He likes Jesus. Game over.

(804): View more from Virginia

Oooh wait, he just told me he was high.

Fav 14 5221 1816
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

Fav 4 4345 1086
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

new plan: i think the keg will fit in my purse.

Fav 6 2771 999
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

guess who's eating a vending machine cheese danish, has no panties on, and is still the classiest bitch at this bus stop?

Fav 22 6576 1398
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, no judgement here...this is the girl that threw up on a box of kittens at the magician's house

Fav 16 2178 2962
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a wall last night.

Fav 9 3506 1060
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

They're doing a Bong-A-Thon for 4/20. I don't care if you quit. You are coming out of your weed retirement for this.

Fav 7 3878 1352
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm not sure how appropriate a drug deal is while at a wake.

Fav 24 1820 3080
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

One last question would your parents let me sleep in your bathtub for the night?

Fav 2 2517 894
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Make sure you take the apple pie out of your pocket before you pass out.

Fav 3 2543 1129
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

I'm having a flashback of telling a guy that he was beautiful and graceful like a unicorn while playing shuffleboard.

Fav 4 3137 1150
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

pre-gaming in the library. just gonna keep going until i'm too drunk to keep working and then i'll be there.

Fav 6 3218 1133
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

I am three bowls, two beers, and a muscle relaxer into babysitting. What are you doing.

Fav 25 1947 3869
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

Just saw a drunk guy clapping and cheering for a chipmunk climbing up a tree. Classic

Fav 6 5331 1214
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

I just don't understand how a line to ride a camel on a college campus could be too long for you to wait in.

Fav 7 3787 1052
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Got a personal ride from safe ride. I was crying so hard. The driver said think of something happy and I said Disney. In which I sang him Aladdin. So I got home ok

Fav 7 3427 1103
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser

Fav 5 2386 1037
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

Just took a shot out of a used mini planter. Might die from the pesticides, but didnt want whoever took all of my shotglasses to think they won.

Fav 3 2937 1238
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

once you started introducing yourself as "running-bear" i knew you were beyond fucked up

Fav 5 2974 905
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

you made sure you came back for your bottle of vodka but didn't remember to take your shoes

Fav 5 3633 1139
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

in case you blackout.. this is confirmation that yes, you were sitting spread eagle on the kitchen floor chugging pickle juice out of the jar.

Fav 9 1684 2712
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Dude. The girls called me over to see what they had in their dorm. They snuck in a pigeon in a cardboard box. They named it Quincey. They swear they're sober.

Fav 2 3790 1251
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

I want to start this convo out by apologizing for the broken toaster.

Fav 1 2374 964
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'll be spending 4/20 on a cruise ship, so i need a babysitter to make sure I don't reenact Titanic

Fav 4 2853 929
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You told the entire McDonalds staff that I was a whore and that you didn't want your french fries cooked.

Fav 7 4207 1373
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Just got a message from a guy on a dating site who says he helped me remove lime pulp from my eye in a club toilet 2 weeks ago.

Fav 8 1329 3544
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Shes been standing with her arms crossed in front of the mirror for 45 minutes...she told me she's "getting sober"

Fav 6 4376 1101
share tweet
(650): View more from California

I feel like I'm sitting in a sleigh of puddy. It's not a bathtub though because you need a sleigh to go down a mountain.

Fav 11 2379 1088
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

All i remember is people cheering me on to drink faster than the dog, out of the dog's bowl. I just couldn't stop.

Fav 12 3614 1792
share tweet
(530): View more from California

she always winds up in the cupboards its nothing new.

Fav 6 3296 1118
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Opened my wallet to find a slice of ham with a phone number written on it in sharpie.

Fav 18 8003 1554
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I remember coming home with a cat... I havent seen it all day. Shit.

Fav 5 1639 3311
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

the bouncer watched the girl drop her ID, saw me pick it up and say OMG SHE LOOKS LIKE ME, and then let me use it to get into the bar

Fav 12 8378 1439
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

The really sad thing is that I actually practiced crawling in my room yesterday in preparation for today

Fav 7 3056 1276
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

Fav 25 5251 1529
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Chances are I'll be there for your wedding. Camelbaks filled with jack and coke are appropriate attire, right?

Fav 7 3020 1131
share tweet
(209): View more from California

I kinda remember trying to staple rolls of toilet paper to make a pillow, but it's blank after that.

Fav 3 2657 1111
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I just found a thank you note I apparently wrote to my bed last night for letting me borrow the comforter.

Fav 6 5747 1250
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

note to self, drunkenly bedazzeling the silverware was a stupid fucking idea

Fav 15 5997 1405
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

My dad told me my only assignment from now til graduation is to not die. it's a legit concern for him.

Fav 13 5220 1445
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

It's like eating cereal and milk but instead of cereal it's gummy bears and instead of milk it's vodka.

Fav 4 5607 1381
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She passed out in the backyard, making "face down" snow angels ... so they could have a smile.

Fav 12 6610 1219
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

For some reason i am carrying prostate cancer brochures. i am nor used to drinking this early.

Fav 3 1551 2057
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

drunk doesnt even begin to explain it. he said he was going to get playing cards from the lobby and came back 20 minutes later with a full set of sheets.

Fav 7 3621 1074
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Update: I just puked into a sock. It was the only thing available at the time. Why I happened to be holding a sock, we may never know.

Fav 10 3536 1369
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

Fav 8 6507 1155
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

I wanted to take a shower but I forgot we made applesauce in it last night.

Fav 3 3288 1463
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

may have given a homeless man 70 dollars in exchange for his sandals. so yea, i'm going as jesus for next halloween.

Fav 5 3273 1084
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

You handed some guy a spoon you found, he yelled SPOON GAME, and then the two of you spent the next 20 minutes throwing spoons all over the kitchen.

Fav 9 5584 1298
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

Fav 4 3709 1161
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I don't know which is a more impressive stolen object. The couch from a sheer logistical viewpoint, or the parking meter because i'm pretty sure that's a federal offence.

Fav 11 5699 1174
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i was able to set 4 alarms to make sure i woke up in time for class but i couldnt take the open beer out of my pocket before i did cartwheels down the hall...

Fav 3 3526 1187
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's our patriotic duty to get high and watch the state of the union tonight

Fav 8 3901 1260
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

No flamethrowers. That is a direct order.

Fav 7 3571 1229
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

Fav 5 4010 1036
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

just put an icicle in the bong. best/worst idea ever. i think i can taste global warming right now.

Fav 7 2956 1174
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At the hospital. Forgot we locked Eric out of the house last night as a joke. Hypothermia's a bitch.

Fav 12 1433 5581
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she's sitting alone using her breathalyzer as a kazoo. help.

Fav 3 2534 1359
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

sticking your hands in the toilet to wash your face is not acceptable. ever. i don't care how drunk you are.

Fav 8 1247 4556
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

Fav 18 6506 1701
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.

Fav 1 1886 1048
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I can't believe all the places I got into shoeless last night. Apparently no one will say no to a girl covered in paint with a ripped shirt

Fav 10 3257 1023
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

One fish gets drugged and suddenly I'm labeled a bad pet owner. This is so unfair.

Fav 5 3044 1251
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Apparently I was holding on to a pizza crust for hours last night.

Fav 8 2509 1265
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I think im definitely allergic to shell fish. Or hungover. Probably both.

Fav 4 1200 2326
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i go for whatevers easier....i'm bisexual strictly due to the convenience factor

Fav 25 4410 1350
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Just put the gallon of milk in the microwave. Dad might know im high.

Fav 8 3479 1203
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

Fav 16 4146 2146
share tweet
(555): View more from

After 2 hrs of driving around looking for him, we just found him sleeping in the bed of my truck with the cover closed, cuddling with the spare tire.

Fav 6 4880 1183
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I never thought to pass out in a hotel lobby rather then paying for a hotel room until you taught me that's acceptable at the Hilton

Fav 2 3657 1229
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I'm functioning at the level of a challenged walrus.

Fav 9 4515 1399
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Home safe. Psyche shattered. Still rolling. In love with the morrocan rug in the living room.

Fav 6 2955 1217
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

The security guard told you that the room was off limits and you just looked at him and said,"Its okay, I have a beard".

Fav 19 7262 1484
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

Fav 5 5968 1382
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

Fav 6 3317 1148
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

3 things. 1. is this real life 2. my liver hates me 3. keg race tonight

Fav 3 2672 1010
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

and she just brought her bike into the shower with her

Fav 8 2886 1363
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Does she usually listen to trance and cut up broccoli when she's high?

Fav 4 2792 1097
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Chasing tequila with honey. Ill let you know how it turns out.

Fav 8 2490 1189
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

Fav 10 4181 1221
share tweet
(209): View more from California

you started putting condoms on anything with a point, then you were yelling at the lamp for using your last condom...

Fav 9 3867 1616
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

If you don't remember anything tomorrow, this is to remind you that you asked me in secret to build a bobsled with you and re-enact Cool Runnings.

Fav 9 4584 1105
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

i DID try to find you last night. i asked where you were and you texted me the letter "e" and a picture of the dark.

Fav 9 6459 1538
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

I was informed last night that im not allowed to pick up the bouncers and carry them around anymore. Last sat is starting to make more sense

Fav 5 2973 1016
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Eberyones makin fun of me cuz I found a snail and caught him and put him in a bocks for u

Fav 21 4497 1333
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

I want nothing more to get stoned and go to your little sisters petting zoo party but I need to have priorities

Fav 6 3505 1078
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

Do you think if I puke at the gym they think is because I'm going hard walking on the treadmill?

Fav 1 2745 1498
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

My mom and I are having a "yay I don't have herpes" shopping trip day

Fav 5 2442 2754
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

I don't have nearly enough visine for the dryness from sticking my head out the window on the freeway for 20 minutes. Child lock me next time.

Fav 5 3723 1503
share tweet
(+91): View more from India

I found him CRAWLING across the garden. He saw me,smiled,and asked for a napkin.

Fav 7 3117 1594
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

I bought a 9 dollar purse from payless so if I throw up in it tomorrow, no biggie.

Fav 13 3385 1422
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I'm sorry I dragged a dildo (on a leash) into your room last night.

Fav 7 4308 1562
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

You cleaned out the gashes in your leg from hopping that fence with that whipped cream vodka, didnt you?

Fav 11 2573 1747
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

I also tried to drunkenly adopt a kitten last night. It didn't pan out.

Fav 12 2808 1630
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

you went all the way to UK and still managed to hook up with someone from our highschool...

Fav 14 5363 1912
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude's from Puerto Rico. Majoring in Spanish is like us majoring in drinking with a minor in watching Forgetting Sarah Marshall.

Fav 9 4619 1130
share tweet
(626): View more from California

im drinking italian dressing and watching dexter. its 230am. lets never drink on sundays again.

Fav 6 1284 2405
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

WERE YOU GOING TO TELL ME THERE WAS A LOAF OF BANANA BREAD IN THE OVEN BEFORE YOU LEFT FOR A 5 HOUR SHIFT??

Fav 9 1485 4298
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I was greeting people at my door feeding them jello shots out of an ice cube tray with a spoon.

Fav 6 3120 1134
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I know, but I was really high and I felt like a failure dragon because I could only blow smoke, no fire.

Fav 12 5515 1495
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

Waking and baking has revolutionized how i brush my teeth. Seriously up to like 25 min everry morn. Highly recommend

Fav 5 3694 1197
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

just walk of shamed past a man riding a bike. RIDING A BIKE. what a wholesome life he must lead.

Fav 20 3741 1458
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.

Fav 13 2531 1666
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

you know u lost to a carboard cut out of sammy sosa in beer pong last night.

Fav 6 3761 1389
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

You drunk invited us to do an intervention for you.

Fav 3 2655 1092
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Sometimes when I see a shoe on the side of the road, I get a little depressed that I've never partied that hard.

Fav 9 4511 1418
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Woke up in a kilt. And it's not my kilt. Drinking was a success.

Fav 8 3647 1020
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Her grandmother had a handicap stair lift. I just put her drunk ass on it and let her ride it up. Thank God for broken hips.

Fav 5 2989 1138
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

Ask if he wants his tooth back. It's in the freezer. In the box of hotpockets.

Fav 6 1525 2830
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Guy next to me is looking up how to press his own ecstasy pills. I'm going to befriend him and see where this goes

Fav 11 4082 1283
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Drinking with a woman who gave an anti-drugs speech at my high school. Somehow, not surprised.

Fav 7 2953 1459
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

The interviewer had a hook for his right hand I TRIED TO SHAKE HIS HOOK WHAT IS WRONG WITH ME

Fav 15 4860 1700
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I should start riding the bus again so I can drink all day

Fav 2 2599 1097
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

i feel this will be the best possible way to start a friendship. By breaking into his house.

Fav 7 1529 1880
share tweet
(940): View more from Texas

You planned my entire going away party sitting in the bath tub cradling a bottle of Cuervo. You promised me fire jugglers. And a pinata.

Fav 3 3584 1019
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

so im sitting outside the gym eating a 20 piece nugget stoned out of my mind, convincing myself this is more productive because im so close to the treadmills.

Fav 7 3367 1084
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Wish i knew who the f is sending me pics of asian newborns.

Fav 28 5163 1882
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Nyquil jello-shots aiding in health and happiness

Fav 3 2632 1371
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm finding that as the end of the quarter approaches, the list of things I refuse to do sober keeps getting longer.

Fav 4 2474 1126
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.

Fav 8 3911 1643
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Found a dirty envelope on my seat w ur name and $122.50 written on the front. Nothing inside but what looks like dirty pine needles

Fav 8 2678 1435
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

he thinks the dog can do a keg stand. i will let you know how it turns out

Fav 5 1398 2499
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

Fav 1 3126 1267
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why did you leave me a note saying 'find the canary'

Fav 7 3219 1391
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

just found a piece of pizza in my dresser.....i remember you saying you were going to save one for later so i'm assuming this is your doing

Fav 4 3220 1107
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

good, we got high then went swimming. shelly forgot to keep swimming so we tied her to the ladder in the shallow part with her bikini top.

Fav 19 5393 1516
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

Took an impromptu nap on the floor of a starbucks bathroom using my backpack as a pillow. Please tell me you have been this hungover

Fav 5 3538 1877
share tweet
(310): View more from California

we found her in my closet eating a clove of garlic.

Fav 9 1509 3281
share tweet
(760): View more from California

If I die I have 2 requests one a viking funeral prye and 2 I want you to take over my facebook and haunt the fuck out of everyone

Fav 20 8500 1572
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I'm bringing a flask to the test on friday. If I'm gonna fail at least I can enjoy the experience

Fav 8 2838 1140
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

he forgot there was a midterm today. i watched him break his own finger to get out of it.

Fav 18 1943 7169
share tweet
(510): View more from California

no i brought the cat to the bar. I got a weird look when I walked in but now everyone loves her.

Fav 15 5399 1608
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

He tried to write down the address for the cab on half a bagel.

Fav 3 3042 1301
share tweet
(753): View more from

He left me a five minute voicemail apologizing for chasing me with a meat beater. I'm actually not sure what that means.

Fav 4 2026 1058
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

someone just laughed at me while i'm laying on the floor waiting for the bus. like they've never been hungover.

Fav 5 3380 1356
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

Fav 21 8100 1542
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

U asked everyone for their hoodies so u could "safely hug the cactus"

Fav 12 4193 1231
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

She told me she eats fruit when she's hungover because it has more water than water.

Fav 8 5452 1635
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

she could've warned me his penis was curved

(708): View more from Illinois

ya i dont think she expected you to get with her boyfriend.

Fav 14 2015 5019
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to die alone in a sea of empty vodka bottles and cats.

Fav 6 2278 2879
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3546 1093
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I am literally using a balloon as a pillow on a park bench.

Fav 11 3114 2263
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

We found you on the floor drooling you kept saying over and over how you were double jointed.

Fav 2 1762 1628
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

Then I realized I was alone sitting on the bathroom floor brushing my teeth at 2am laughing to myself.

Fav 8 3775 1303
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

Fav 8 1390 4488
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

just spent the last 4 hours covering his room in sticky notes. Viva Drunk Thursdays.

Fav 7 2669 987
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

so i may have indirectly taught my 13 year old campers how to give blowjobs.

Fav 24 4421 1617
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

gpnpr hd vmdd nm the ggrl whm was mn my lar

(219): View more from Indiana

I need you to use more vowels.

Fav 15 8717 1478
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

You know, I had the money for a pregnancy test, but at the time, tacos were more important.

Fav 18 2779 3054
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

seriously my hangover is so bad I feel like my eye lashes make blinking a workout

Fav 6 2775 1596
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Kegger tonight. 10pm. $5 coverfor unlimited booze. Proceeds benefit nuns from Uganda. Bring friends. No shit.

Fav 9 4369 1025
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

We got really high and decided it would be a good idea to wash towels in the dishwasher. I left before I could see the final result.

Fav 2 2518 1136
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I have no valid justification for peeing in your kitchen, but I don't think it's worth breaking up over.

Fav 10 1756 3380
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm reciting my presentation (beer in hand) on the porch to a snowmen audience.

Fav 12 4843 1225
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

you kept thanking chef boyardee for having pull tab cans

Fav 7 3398 1100
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.

Fav 23 3949 1230
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Check Facebook. Random dude tagged us in photos from last night dancing at Denny's while eating a sampler platter. 1. How does he have our names, and 2. You said we ate at Tbell.

Fav 10 5996 1248
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

i decided what we are doing for your 21st b-day: camelbacks filled with margaritas

Fav 13 3355 1234
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

you're not a real person. you're actually just like a box of wine that can talk

Fav 4 3261 1376
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

We lost track of him for only 10 min and he gets kicked out for sneaking into the kitchen and trying to operate the deep fryer.

Fav 8 3700 1512
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I'll be a little late, "getting ready for the party" turned into "smoking a bowl and doing lines in my room for an hour and a half." But I'm on my way now. With coke. And weed.

Fav 17 4612 2238
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

He ran headfirst into the atm. Thenasmed us what our spirit animals were...he said his was either a dolphin or a cabbage

Fav 8 4045 1226
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

I put bits of fruit cocktail in the jello shots i made because i knew that they were gonna be the only thing we ate all day

Fav 10 3679 1216
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

I didn't realize I was holding it, until I was like, "whose baby is this?"

Fav 12 4294 1832
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

my roommate just showed up covered in dirt, drunk....with a whole ice cream cake that says "it's a girl".

Fav 12 5907 1414
share tweet
(714): View more from California

we are watching a video on ethics because somebody wrote "butt sex" on the attendance sign in sheet

Fav 12 4802 1737
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

like the only thing i remember is bringing a piece of toast to the bar...

Fav 10 2693 1676
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Not exactly sure why you felt the need to get the halloween decorations out. But waking up to 7 carved pumpkins really scares the shit out of you.

Fav 6 3991 1267
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

she got the salsa and pickles out of the fridge looked at me and said what can i make with this

Fav 7 2627 1342
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.

Fav 10 6093 1413
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Imagine that my comprehension level is that of a 7 year old and explain your plan again

Fav 6 3732 1141
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

the room spins SO much faster in panama

Fav 5 2706 1131
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

btw im using a cooler as a purse cause i love string cheese

Fav 9 5050 1456
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

she hid the dish soap because she was afraid someone would confuse it with the margaritas and drink it instead. her reasoning was "theyre both soo pink...i cant tell them apart"

Fav 5 3199 1388
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Pretty sure I tied my shoes laces together to keep myself from driving drunk. Fell like six times. Keep forgetting

Fav 5 4279 1395
share tweet
(510): View more from California

speaking of graduation plans, i'm blacked out eating sausage

Fav 7 2004 1375
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

There are drunk kids outside our building hugging that cop that's always on his bike as he's citing them for public drunkenness. It's not even 11 am.

Fav 5 3507 1267
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i left the icescrapper in his bathroom. i dont remember taking it there, but i remember brushing his hair with it.

Fav 2 2289 941
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She was stumbling around looking for her cat. She said i could help, but i had to call him by his jungle name

Fav 6 3588 1305
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

and my attempt at hiding my drunkness from my parents included walking into the wall as soon as they let me into the house.

Fav 7 3835 1527
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

90 persent of me said don't pee on that fake plant. Buyt i did

Fav 9 2886 1409
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

ambylanc

(1-519): View more from Ontario

what?

(519): View more from Ontario

there was an amgbulance. iw ish i was in it.

Fav 8 3274 1704
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I had to take the fire extinguisher from him. He was just sitting on the floor petting it.

Fav 8 3234 1271
share tweet
(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

Fav 9 5445 1748
share tweet
(916): View more from California

I can't believe I had to convince you to not drink butter.

Fav 4 1297 2869
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

You walked in on me taking a shit and told me to hit the bong

Fav 11 3444 1203
share tweet
(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

..But I'm still alive. And thats the main thing

Fav 6 3089 1130
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

were lost, were cold and we don't know what to do with the stray cat we found.

Fav 13 2562 1272
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

i jsut feel off the bus, but its ok the driver let me back on. a woman hid her baby from me..

Fav 2 3411 1638
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

reaaaally cool. my cat ate my birth control.

Fav 16 1419 4217
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

we took shots then she made me eat a dill pickle with cream cheese wrapped in a piece of turkey.

Fav 21 1615 2601
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

he tried to breastfeed my turtle

Fav 16 1928 3096
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Then he complimented me on how excellent I was at breathing through my nose

Fav 5 3273 1181
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Just called the bar: "hi this is the girl who you kicked out for excessive bleeding, do you happen to have my coat?"

Fav 5 2472 1232
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

When else am I ever going to have a chance to do lines with T-Pain?

Fav 13 5291 1204
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

You gave the cab driver your pants as collateral while you ran in the house for money.

Fav 5 4404 1115
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

you just stood there spinning and got mad if anyone tried to stop you

Fav 2 3408 1184
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I just found a bag of teeth...

Fav 18 1625 5038
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

what's the name of that soccar player i bit again?

Fav 8 2641 1261
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

The fact that its 530pm and I'm saying to myself I should sober up since I'm at a family establishment should say enough

Fav 5 2675 1181
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had an awkward elevator run in with that guy you puked on

Fav 1 1359 1937
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i just unblacked out cuddled in a pita pit booth with ten dollars rubberbanded to my hand.

Fav 6 2568 892
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I don't really see how asking you not to cum on my face or hair makes me high maintenance

Fav 28 6429 2079
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

New rule : you aren't allowed anything . Ever .

Fav 6 3184 1464
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

Did I happen to mention where i left my keys when I drunk dialed you last night

Fav 1 2235 1270
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I'm going to look like a jackass in the Mexican newspaper tomorrow.

Fav 22 4800 1417
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

I hope the walls stop moving before my manager notices that i'm still drunk.

Fav 4 3640 1151
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just for future reference: milk is NOT a good mixer no matter how drunk you are.

Fav 16 1131 3004
share tweet
(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

Fav 17 9868 1514
share tweet
(989): View more from Michigan

A burger king employee called me from your phone while you were on their bathroom floorl. Hope ur not in jail....4 realz

Fav 6 2823 1235
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

did i call you last night crying about tacos and the royal wedding again?

Fav 4 3264 1364
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I feel like I need to get rid of the black eyeliner, glitter, and tequila breath before I to that world poverty conference..

Fav 7 2655 1053
share tweet
(310): View more from California

We found her hiding in the bath tub.. And when i opened the curtain she replied "thank you" and walked out like nothing happened.

Fav 4 3758 1150
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

Taped crackers to the wall. Sat I'n the dryer. Bobby had to pull me out by my hair. No more.

Fav 4 1281 2210
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

says the girl that drank her shots like they were in a dog bowl

Fav 3 2340 1148
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

Fav 5 3895 1209
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

So hungover. Sitting in class about to puke during this ladys flute performance. Not sure why were having a flute concert in biology

Fav 6 4798 1446
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Did you seriously take investment advice from our coke dealer?

Fav 11 3866 2220
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Tidal wave of highness just hit. Find shelter and catnip. gloves. zebra striped car washes.

Fav 8 4081 1978
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Apparently I spent my 300 dollar tax return by ordering ramen on amazon last night. Please tell me this will somehow pay off in the long run.

Fav 13 1240 2872
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

We followed the campus tour around in a golf cart drinking PBR and blasting "Sexual Healing."

Fav 16 6519 1251
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Are my feet made of real feet?

Fav 17 6174 1415
share tweet
(647): View more from Ontario

You left a trail of sequins from your dress incase we got lost

Fav 4 3362 985
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

You just kept saying "they don't make cigarettes for squirrels. Yet."

Fav 5 4236 1197
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

I asked you how much you drank and you replied with "I don't know what kind of toothpaste I use."

Fav 8 5964 1178
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

haha the sad thing is i can't decide whats worse. the fact that you're drunk judging a science fair or the fact that i'm really proud of you for it.

Fav 6 4281 1003
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

Fav 19 7669 1364
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

Tim said I dropped my taco in a puddle and still ate it.

Fav 9 1450 3220
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

Why are all the dvds taped to the fish tank. Really.

Fav 11 3857 1387
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?

Fav 4 3251 1149
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

Upside of a two-day migraine: thanks to a prominent "E" in the middle of every pill, I think we can totally pass off Excedrine Migraine as ecstasy to stupid, drunk freshman. This is totally going to happen. That entrepreneurship course is paying off.

Fav 17 4459 1191
share tweet
(209): View more from California

You mailed him a break up letter, because you thought the "joy of receiving a letter" would ease the pain of you dumping him.

Fav 15 4340 1737
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I want to have a prehistoric party. By that, I mean I want to dress up as a dinosaur and get drunk. That's all I want in life.

Fav 14 7561 1436
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

Became best friends with the hotdog stand creeper outside the bar. Cried and told him my feet hurt too much to walk home then begged him to hire me.

Fav 7 1335 2456
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude, you face planted, there was no "bar fight".

Fav 5 4518 1597
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

in my lab write-up should i mention that i watered my plant with tequila?

Fav 7 3631 1108
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

rolled over to window for cup of snow instead of leaving bed for water. that's how hungover

Fav 15 5477 1408
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

She stole my hamster. idk who she was, she just walked in and said she knew Keith so she stayed, drank 6 beers, and then stole Charles.

Fav 19 2263 6755
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

She is putting glow sticks from her bedroom to the bathroom. She is calling it 'Being prepared'. God help us all tonight...

Fav 1 3617 1017
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Outta milk. Using rum instead for pancake mix. Drunk Thursday is a gooo

Fav 10 3685 1656
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I like that we make it a requirement to howl at the moon every time we get drunk together.

Fav 6 3903 1095
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

He told me that I smelled like a Glade Plug-in, then sang the Menard's jingle in it's entirety in between kissing me.

Fav 14 2310 1660
share tweet
(574): View more from Indiana

2nd semester senior, always drunk. at this point if i don't get a good parking spot, i turn around and drive home

Fav 13 5652 1472
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

eggs and jello shots do not qualify as 'brunch'

Fav 7 2914 1791
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Remember that foreign guy who never talked last night? He just came out of my bathroom when I woke up.

Fav 6 3502 1233
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

okay, this game isn't funny anymore. tell us where all the forks are.

Fav 9 5611 1351
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

you woke me up at 7 am banging on my wall.. what the hell

(901): View more from Tennessee

thats the international knock for joint time

Fav 7 4540 1258
share tweet
(251): View more from Alabama

I am soup sandwich. I have been at dAnce party

Fav 12 4133 1446
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

he asked you how you felt and you yelled "I FEEL SO PROACTIVE!" and started coloring with sharpies

Fav 4 3473 1070
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Ps I don't think it counts as being open minded if you didn't know he was missing a leg until you had already started making out.

Fav 5 1150 3424
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

Fav 11 8843 1336
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

Also, we should really buy some bandaids. Right now I'm using toilet paper and scotch tape, but I don't really think that's sanitary.

Fav 14 2688 1652
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

Fav 11 5783 1691
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

At some point last night was I riding a garbage can.. Things are starting to come back to me

Fav 4 3303 1642
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

we found a loaf of bread in my bathroom i believe its yours. sorry i took a shower before we noticed so it might be soggy

Fav 6 3268 2044
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Well regardless of which drugs we choose to do tonight until four in the morning, we are having a wii bowling championship. So choose carefully.

Fav 9 3754 1628
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Thanks for convincing the hot dog guy to give me one for $1 after I drunkenly dropped the first one. I loved your reasoning "I know you mark that shit up! I work in retail!"

Fav 4 5318 1069
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

Fav 11 5710 1149
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

You broke a cabinet. You were climbing up it and it collapsed on you. Lines were crossed.

Fav 4 2539 1663
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

In your drunken brilliance did you make bagel with what appears to be mac and cheese smeared on top and pink icing dip? Because if so it is sitting on the counter

Fav 5 3288 1351
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

He took me by the hand and ordered me to make him vodka soup.. I think I like him?

Fav 5 3533 1130
share tweet
(818): View more from California

He grabbed every salt shaker in the apartment and we haven't seen him since. He really really doesn't want to shovel snow anymore.

Fav 14 4432 1168
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

I don't know if its because i'm stoned or what but painting my kitchen yellow makes it look crooked

Fav 6 3878 1277
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

Side note: I think I fell asleep holding a cereal box

Fav 3 2642 1033
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

Fav 36 7108 2796
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

the girl in my class has a rolling backpack and just told it to stay. im too hungover for this.

Fav 8 5254 2431
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You should get with him and swear you have to use lambskin condoms. That'll test his veganism.

Fav 18 6595 1948
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

Fav 26 12175 2165
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

He wants to make love to me in a sea of paint and wash my tears away with the brushes surrounding us..I've known him for 2 days.

Fav 16 2148 6159
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

and my souvenir for the night was a nice ambulance blanket

Fav 2 3806 1784
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

Fav 42 2252 7013
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

i just had to use the keg as a stool to reach the margarita maker. i'm such a problem solver.

Fav 9 3883 1074
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

At the airport and im So hungover. Think anyone will help if I put a note on me reading "flying to Boston, please wake me as we board" and then passing back out?

Fav 13 2985 1119
share tweet
(619): View more from California

So the same day I accidentally bought waterproof mascara is the day I accidentally had shower sex. The world is finally on my side.

Fav 12 8258 1317
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

There are dudes in kilts outside my window practicing fire breathing with cheap vodka and a modified grill lighter. I thought you should know.

Fav 10 4801 1158
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

I think the taxi driver just requested me on facebook..... his name was george right?

Fav 2 3390 1525
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

at least the cop wrote "happy birthday" on the ticket.

Fav 8 5440 1857
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

judging by the mobile uploads you added of me last night, we cant keep living this way.

Fav 2 3015 1129
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

We name dropped you at the liquor store and got a ten percent discount!

Fav 7 9239 1166
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Just know that as we speak i am injecting vodka into gushers

Fav 27 8016 1288
share tweet
(310): View more from California

Should I be curious about Jeffrey randomly sending me a picture of him holding a crab, or just move on with my life?

Fav 4 3290 1283
share tweet
(228): View more from Mississippi

I don't think he realizes it but he was stroking the faucet while he was talking to me.

Fav 6 2645 1166
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

And it looks like I sent you 4 failed attempts at the word "hey." Sorry about that.

Fav 6 3017 1168
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

He was sitting at the table eating ice and said, "I'm pretty sure everyone in my family has nipples."

Fav 8 4912 1292
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

she just came into my room, drunkenly shoved six dollars into my bra and told me to spend it on chicken wings.

Fav 14 3744 1197
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I'm glad the dog doesn't judge me for doing leftover lines and watching George of the Jungle at 10 am

Fav 14 1906 3060
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

The dentist told me I have super glue on my teeth. I'm not blaming you I just want to know how that happened

Fav 3 3974 1512
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

there is laundry and salad ALL OVER my car, i need context

Fav 4 2679 1237
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I'm not going to need your "it doesn't mean you're a slut" pep talk after all.

Fav 6 3193 1172
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

He came in my eye, I lost my earring and all of his friends saw me topless. Happy New Year to you as well.

Fav 13 2790 4301
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

It's confirmed. We did xmas carol the grocery store across the street from his building at 2:30am... Only the staff was there.

Fav 2 2139 942
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here

(601): View more from Mississippi

on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends

Fav 6 3192 1151
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

He had me believing he was actually British until he came and used his real voice.

Fav 12 5082 1994
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

My parents just suggested that we tailgate the midnight christmas service. this is my gene pool.

Fav 11 4985 1448
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

I tried to put a seat belt on in the shower. And I'm 80% sure I ate soap.

Fav 5 2117 3048
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You insisted on drinking champagne out of the dog bowl

Fav 1 1567 2446
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I don't remember much but I remember it was a unanimous decision that Santa was indeed real and Cait's stripping somehow proved this.

Fav 6 3649 1246
share tweet
(619): View more from California

surgery went fine. i cant breath out of my right nostril though. lets not eat peas anymore when we are drunk.

Fav 4 1492 3638
share tweet
(626): View more from California

We stole a cat. That is all you need to know.

Fav 14 3627 1611
share tweet
(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

Fav 21 7676 1269
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I've created a drink called, "watching the sound of music with grandma." its straight vodka

Fav 7 8434 1543
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I'm pretty sure he told me he was sterile and I told him I was on the pill. The positive pregnancy test I'm holding in my hand right now tells me that at least one of us was lying.

Fav 25 1685 10137
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

Don't park in the garage. I installed a stripper pole while drunk and it's kinda in the way

Fav 13 4731 1199
share tweet
(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

Fav 12 2894 1187
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

yeah, but the likliness of me finding my husband at a party where the facebook event is titled "NEW YEARS EVE SHIT SHOW" is highly unlikely

Fav 7 3122 1268
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

Found out that no one else got Christmas bonuses...and you said nothing good could come from sleeping with my boss.

Fav 10 5602 1202
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like the elf drinking game to get me in the christmas spirit.

Fav 4 2750 950
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Heating the house with the oven may not be safe but at least it's always preheated

Fav 7 2337 1977
share tweet
(619): View more from California

You convinced me that eggnog and rum is a great moisturizer.

Fav 2 2351 1129
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

That was around the time you tried to kick me out for being rude to your fish.

Fav 3 4101 1235
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

just so you're aware of it in the morning: you tried to slide down the railing on a snuggie. twice.

Fav 4 3713 1073
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

This dude is being a total douche

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Just because it's Christmas Eve does not mean the liquor store has to give you a free bottle of peppermint schnapps

Fav 10 4129 1300
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I cant help but love a girl who informs me of the pregnancy test results by emailing me a YouTube clip of Barney Stinsons not a fathers day speech.

Fav 8 5324 1660
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Thanks for the ave Maria song you left on my phone that lasted for TEN minutes.

Fav 2 3011 1134
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I came home to the cats covered in paint and he was asleep in the tub with a firefighters hat on.

Fav 6 4126 1334
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"

Fav 6 3471 1111
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

I just made bacon chili cheese fries for dinner...someday my kids are going to realize I'm a stoner & this will all make sense

Fav 48 5824 1778
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

OMG stoned with flashing lights behind me, I was freaking out until I realized I wasn't driving my couch

Fav 7 7340 1399
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Watching water boil has never been so amazing. I love wake-and-bakes.

Fav 2 3565 1026
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just got drunk dialed and its 10am. clearly finals are over.

Fav 1 5098 1064
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

it's official, i've been high in 26 different states, and three different countries.

Fav 16 5501 1211
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

hes trying to draw the periodic table on his chest with a sharpie. i'm not sure how thats going to help him on his chem final, but he keeps shouting "this is how the pros do it"

Fav 4 5867 1266
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

When I opened my laptop there was a half eaten little debbie oatmeal cream pie inside.

Fav 11 3235 1989
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

Woke up to a huge puddle of water in the living room floor, apparently I made an indoor snowman.

Fav 6 4652 1206
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Define 'illegal'. Your idea of it and my idea are in separate universes.

Fav 12 3713 1323
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Recording ancient aliens and the third Reich. Stoned you will thank me later.

Fav 5 2891 1162
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i mean, i stole her boyfriend and beat her snake score on facebook within 48 hours. not her week.

Fav 14 7342 1836
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

i've hooked up with him and three of his roommates and not a single one of them knows about it..think its safe to say i found the silver lining in a boys inability to communicate

Fav 16 6341 1181
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Sometimes I wonder why I hang out with you. And then you show up half naked at my door with a half gal of vodka, and I remember why.

Fav 8 5965 1200
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

We thought we had lost her until we found her in the bushes a block away singing "Jingle Bells".

Fav 8 4629 1269
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

We convinced him to snort an altoid. We should not be allowed to drink together

Fav 6 2764 1283
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

Fav 21 9309 1532
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So then she just shoved applesauces in her pocket and started talking about she needed to find her friends.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

you didn't get her number why?

Fav 7 3085 1824
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Mark is going to get hypothermia. he is shirtless eating snow bc he "doesnt want to be dehydrated" tomorrow. youre in charge.

Fav 8 4677 1201
share tweet
(951): View more from California

At this point do you think buying mom a pot plant would be funny or highly inappropriate?

Fav 18 5283 1434
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

you're the only person I know who would bring a water bottle of screwdriver to a wedding, and toast with it during the speech

Fav 25 4852 1669
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

We've done the math and the dogs tails are wagging at a rate of 3000 wags per hour. Stoned.

Fav 6 5962 1226
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Did you pluck my eyebrows one night when I passed out?

Fav 4 2765 2095
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Without me, you would never be able to say you partied with a midget!

Fav 8 4165 1211
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

I just got this text "hi this is Julie, I met you last night in the bathroom. You asked me to text you and remind you that you ate an entire lime, because you figured your sober self in the morning would be confused."

Fav 12 12056 1476
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I had to do a class evaluation today & the girl beside me didn't fill in any bubbles she just wrote in huge letters RETIRE across the whole sheet

Fav 12 9527 1521
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man

Fav 9 4531 1284
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

Fav 13 4694 1209
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

just drunkenly made mashed potatoes at midnight. what have you done for your calorie intake lately?

Fav 6 2535 1632
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

Fav 6 2952 1226
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

I am trying to figure out how to tell this kid i have a boyfriend in a way that still allows me to smoke free weed

Fav 25 5353 1655
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Kill yourself wednesday started off with a bang, and im pretty sure im still drunk from tequila tuesday.

Fav 6 3192 1159
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

...that's why he's not doing anything with his life except breeding geckos

Fav 58 1825 3179
share tweet
(562): View more from California

she said "i got this" and then fell on her face. within grabbing distance of the wall and her boyfriend

Fav 10 3645 1305
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

Fav 3 3538 1213
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I meant to tell you earlier: bad life decision saturday has been moved wednesday this week

Fav 2 3812 1128
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

We have to give a final comment in english, i think i might say "i learned it's a bad idea to make out with people in your classes who have girlfriends."

Fav 5 1714 2621
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just so you're aware, tomorrow is "Slow Clap when you see Mike" day.

Fav 12 7721 1271
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Was this before, or after you took my brand new bag of shredded cheese, and "Made it rain"?

Fav 16 7077 1712
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

some drunk guy just paid $3 for each cig that i picked up off the ground. the cigs that he threw on the ground. I might just follow him the rest of the night

Fav 7 5598 1056
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Why did I think it was so necessary to steal that rolling pin?

Fav 13 3279 1392
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He tried peeing out of the sunroof.

Fav 5 1664 3415
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

he walked out as i was licking snow off of his car...

Fav 5 2733 1566
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I didn't know how to tell her I was too busy getting stoned and making a baked potato to meet up and finish our group project.

Fav 10 3379 1589
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

We just made a drinking game out of our chemistry review. This might explain my chemistry grade.

Fav 6 4717 1167
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

Fav 14 3378 1320
share tweet
(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

Fav 20 4398 1083
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm confused about why you felt the need to ask me to buy you life alert for christmas at 3:28 this morning.

Fav 9 3868 1732
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

noo you weren't that drunk. you just knocked the grill over and couldn't get the key in the door, so you climbed through the window. success.

Fav 8 3753 1217
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

she's sitting here naked with heels and a taco.

Fav 19 7107 1249
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

Fav 8 7047 1084
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

At least we kept it together. It's people like him who yell at bushes that give acid a bad name

Fav 12 4112 1435
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

Fav 12 6167 1410
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

I walked into the garage and you were telling the bikes that you were not that drunk.

Fav 5 4992 1197
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?

Fav 14 5387 1170
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

of all places to pass out....why right in front of our RA's door? OF ALL PLACES.

Fav 9 1479 4018
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

5th glass of wine. There's pictures of Jesus everywhere. It's like you're constantly reminded of your sins here.

Fav 11 1239 2750
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Howd you meet this guy?

(612): View more from Minnesota

I found him next to my pants on sunday morn.

Fav 6 6378 2683
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Heading to the gym, the one that guy said he goes to. Already checked online, his class is at 5. And no, this isn't too much after meeting him last night. Stop judging me,

Fav 16 2689 4548
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Don't freak out about the couches in the driveway. We tried to unpack the uhaul drunk.

Fav 3 4635 1801
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

I would just like you to know that the guy I blew off last weekend to come find ur drunk ass just got drafted into the major leagues.

(478): View more from Georgia

Moment of silence for the loss of that option.

Fav 29 2571 7755
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

You were wasted and fell in a pond when you met him, it's not like you were on top of your game

Fav 3 2896 1078
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I knew it was time to leave Waffle House when you started singing "What's Your Fantasy" to your hash browns.

Fav 9 4527 1214
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

im youtubing treadmill accidents. this is what i do at 2:10am

Fav 9 3622 1526
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.

Fav 11 6994 1500
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

We almost died tonight..we almost die every night. but tonight was the closest by far

Fav 11 6169 1598
share tweet
(260): View more from Indiana

I was actually high enough at that point that I was just casually following your glowing footsteps like in Avatar while we ran from the cops.

Fav 10 6197 1291
share tweet
(415): View more from California

Im in a bar and I just invented a scrabble drinking game. People are cheering. It's like the universe has aligned itself.

Fav 18 5780 1256
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

They went to the hospital to try backflips in the parking lot. Be ready for the call

Fav 23 3458 1360
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

come in to starbucks and ill make you a 4loko latte before theyre banned

Fav 9 5644 1193
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

there was so much ham clogging the tub drain.. he said it was ok he has a cleaning lady

Fav 5 1147 2652
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.

Fav 5 1242 2492
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he called AT&T to make sure that he had insurance before he threw his cell phone into the fountain.

Fav 13 4686 1137
share tweet
(310): View more from California

My warmest regards to the fish in that koi pond I puked in.

Fav 14 1496 3082
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i think the doormans mad at me

(773): View more from Illinois

well we haven't pretended to pretend we were going to have a threesome with him for a while...

Fav 12 1587 2827
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't know. I woke up in the back of a cab in a drive thru line at whataburger with police lights flashing and my friend yelling" you didn't have to sell us out phil!" to the cab driver.

Fav 23 6014 2310
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

She took a break from repeating "my face is still buzzing!" to say that the phantom of the opera could be here

Fav 2 2510 1047
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

she's crying while babbling "all i do is win"

Fav 10 4066 1276
share tweet
(916): View more from California

i must've hopped out the car and eaten some leaves...even when your'e drunk that's not acceptable

Fav 8 2667 1495
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

remember that response paper i wrote naked, at 745am still drunk with a naked dude in my bed? yeah, totally got an a- on that. and he loved my insight.

Fav 16 6966 1200
share tweet
(951): View more from California

His drunk text included an attempt at quoting a Nyquil bottle in MLA format

Fav 12 6038 1276
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

it was like watching bambi learning to walk, if bambi was 22 and a high functioning alcoholic.

Fav 7 4663 1379
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She started acting like she was actually a deaf person...so I went along with it and acted like her interpreter. I don't think anyone bought it.

Fav 6 3086 1140
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Do you think my job would send me for a second drug test if i took a whole pumpkin pie to work for lunch tomorrow?

Fav 14 3928 1157
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude you cant keep breaking into my house just to raid my fridge.. especially at 3AM.

Fav 5 3261 1272
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I don't remember his name but he sat in the bathroom and gave us both advice...

Fav 7 3150 1053
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Today might be the day that I legitimately throw up in my saxophone.

Fav 12 1369 2775
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Interesting preview of what next year will be like. Side note, missing a chunk of flesh from my middle finger.

Fav 7 1119 2563
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Apparently I joined a band last night. Definitely my favorite blackout.

Fav 6 4388 1068
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Help. All alone. Room is. Changing colors. Dance party 2010, but without dancing.

Fav 9 3649 1475
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

He said he loved me so I pretended not to hear it because I don't think "I love your penis" was the response he was looking for.

Fav 30 4769 1843
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

Just found a hole in my wall with your left shoe in it.

Fav 8 4332 1521
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

Fav 12 4392 1145
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we flagged you as soon as you tried to put the lime in the microwave to prove it was really a kiwi. again.

Fav 6 3537 1228
share tweet
(619): View more from California

If I'm gonna go to jail I'm gonna be wearing a poncho

Fav 12 3671 1133
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

Fav 6 4099 1167
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

Fav 10 4248 1229
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

i walked in and you were spoon feeding your sister grape juice out of a tupperware.

Fav 4 2978 1986
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

Fav 13 1625 3298
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters

Fav 9 3718 1213
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

She's making tacos & sangria tonight. I'm sure that's how the pilgrims pregamed.

Fav 10 3463 1078
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.

Fav 15 3012 1562
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I give the penis ring toss game to good will or garbage

Fav 19 3453 1332
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

Fav 21 5175 1473
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

And I was the only one who felt it was dangerous to set the tv and blender on the ledge of the hot tub

Fav 7 1270 3567
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Yeah I think we tried to use the shower curtain as a parachute because its tied to my backpack with some string. Dont know if anyone actually attempted it though.

Fav 7 5516 1230
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I just used celery as a chaser. That's the level of my refrigerator.

Fav 4 1439 3002
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

some dude is stoned out of his mind in my calc class. just shouted that the teacher was a genius cause he got rid of so many numbers

Fav 17 9068 1496
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

Drunk roommate walked in on us and asked if we wanted to go eat a sandwich with her in the bathroom.

Fav 10 4812 1354
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

i wish the dell website had a "did you drink an entire bottle of rum and stepped on your laptop which shattered the screen this weekend and would like to know how to fix it without your parents finding out FAST?" link on their homepage.. i can't be the only one

Fav 15 5190 1632
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

my purse only fit my wallet or the martini shaker. it wasnt even a question of which i was bringing.

Fav 10 3672 1148
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

you know it's time to start studying when you've procrastinated to the point where you're reading your roommate's ex-boyfriend's wall posts from 2006.

Fav 8 1932 5200
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

yeah...i noticed he pets people when he's drunk. It's odd.

Fav 13 3823 1372
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

I just saw the list where the U.S. doesn't even rank in the top 10 in drinking countries. I know its Tuesday but....its for America

Fav 24 7153 1393
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Can we please just celebrate being alive this far into the school year and just get drunk?

Fav 5 3663 1233
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Dude, smoked out of a pumpkin tonight. I like Halloween more now

Fav 22 4800 1212
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

he said I could live with him because I'm cheaper than a dog and don't need a pet deposit. That and I don't piss on the carpet...

Fav 9 3586 2081
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

he's like a stage 5 clinger and he won't even fuck me. he has to be gay. my personality isn't really THAT great.

Fav 12 1789 3710
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

how should i feel about a person who brings a box of eggo waffles on the plane as a carry on?

Fav 16 5308 1311
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

I just realized I'm not towing a trailer. I thought this whole drive home I was towing a trailer. Wow too high

Fav 16 4983 2416
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

I'm not sober enough to be having a conversation about a rap she wrote in Spanish about public safety

Fav 7 2833 1350
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Woke up with a chicken parm sandwich in my clutch. Aaaand I'm eating it.

Fav 11 4833 1562
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

he said that he wanted to outsmoke the rain, I don't know what that means but I'm gonna go help him

Fav 15 5209 1216
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

There's so much relief when you realize you wake up in your own bed

Fav 5 5192 1130
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

My passouts and memory loss are great training for when I have alzheimers. You'll know where to look when I get lost.

Fav 8 3609 1358
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

This needs to stop. I just vacuumed the wall. Adderall is a double edged sword.

Fav 12 4376 1388
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

at roughly 3:30am you called me saying you were gonna start a big game of strip twister in politics class and i was your partner.

Fav 7 3716 1054
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

Guess who just hooked up with the cop that fingerprinted her?

Fav 17 7529 1276
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

there's a sledge hammer in the bottom of the swimming pool... so whatever happened last night was probably awesome

Fav 8 5403 1731
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

Aren't you glad we're at the point in our relationship where I don't even ask why you're hiding in the cabinet?

Fav 5 4950 1234
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You wouldn't let me clean the puke off your face because I'd mess up your cat whiskers. Now that's dedication.

Fav 6 3355 1469
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

Fav 11 1798 6285
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

and hes going back to rehab like me, so we have common interests

Fav 5 1428 3078
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

For future reference, the words 'big' and 'problem' should be used sparingly with a person whom you have recently had copious amounts of unprotected sex

Fav 20 1540 4888
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

Fav 30 7268 3266
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

Fav 18 1227 4714
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

I always know the weekend is over when the real license comes out and the fake goes back into the hiding spot.

Fav 7 4213 1196
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I don't really want to explain to you right now but i just ate laundry detergent

Fav 9 1286 4127
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

I wasnt that drunk. Throwing the table off the third story was totally logical.

Fav 19 5002 1528
share tweet
(925): View more from California

is election day enough of a holiday to justify getting fucked up on a tuesday?

Fav 14 3543 1076
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Wednesdays are like the thursdays of tuesdays... Drink time

Fav 15 4475 1523
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

we were canoeing in the lake and i asked if he was too drunk for this, and he said "don't worry about it, i'm half native american"

Fav 26 8352 1427
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I'm way to drunk for this play. I'm about to run up on stage and drop the main character

Fav 8 3899 1393
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I am only moving my arms so I remember that I can. These brownies are wild.

Fav 9 5530 1315
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you call him, he said something about going to the balcony to pee and now hes texting me saying hes lost

Fav 4 4315 1279
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you cried when she wouldn't let you have her bathroom rug.

Fav 5 3261 1347
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

So apparently when he was telling people he was in Alaska for 6 months he was actually in jail

Fav 9 1535 3330
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You slow danced with your carpet steamer last night.

Fav 6 4813 1396
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?

Fav 12 5517 1785
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

lets be honest. she's not NEARLY as much fun to fb creep since she got out of rehab...

Fav 2 1797 2998
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

Its ok we found him,,, He is in the bathroom trying to write his life story on a roll of toilet paper.

Fav 17 4257 1854
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

sitting on the counter. eating honey. crying, because coldplay sounds beautiful on the radio. highhhhh as the sky

Fav 17 4889 1484
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm not saying going to the volleyball games drunk on Tuesday night was a bad idea I'm just saying we shouldn't make a routine of it.

Fav 7 2746 1008
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

Fav 12 8184 1427
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations

Fav 6 2994 1465
share tweet
(+49): View more from Germany

The vomit I understand but how is there seaweed in my bed?

Fav 8 4325 1686
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.

Fav 35 3504 1635
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

They called security on the security guard who tried to break up the party in their suite. You tell me how drunk they were.

Fav 5 5665 1308
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I really hope our interview with channel 6 last night doesn't air or else my parents are gona get a first hand look at my alcohol problem

Fav 9 4632 1430
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know. I woke up to a text from someone named Vick saying he was 'legit worried' that I had herpes.

Fav 6 1296 5156
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

Fav 10 4420 1457
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I blacked out, started puking and peed on the guy I was hooking up with. Mid hand job.

(704): View more from North Carolina

How old are you? 14? Who gives hand jobs anymore?

(301): View more from Maryland

Salt in an open wound right now.

Fav 17 2020 5588
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday

Fav 2 3434 1103
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you were drinking a pitcher of what you called "16 loko" and making everybody guess what the secret ingredient was

Fav 14 5085 1263
share tweet
(498): View more from

You can't use the, "think about your future" line when trying to convince me to save some weed for tomorrow.

Fav 7 3590 1219
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

you came home soaking wet, and when I asked where your umbrella was, you pulled it out of your bag and were so proud you kept it dry.

Fav 9 7737 1439
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

Drunkenly auctioned off my bed for 3 tequila shots

Fav 14 3105 2035
share tweet
(650): View more from California

You tried telling the RA that girl you brought home was your mom...

Fav 3 3327 1292
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I'm currently witnessing my drunk neighbor attempting to fold laundry on his front lawn. I think he's trying to spell out HELP.

Fav 3 3522 1031
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

Fav 5 2599 1772
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just thought i should tell someone im on the roof, if i pass out up here because no one found me, im behind the chimney

Fav 4 3949 1114
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

he just made me youtube cheetahs running and he thinks he is in a pool

Fav 5 2517 1572
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

So she just apologized to the fire extinguisher.

Fav 4 2550 999
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

He is in the front yard trying to catch birds out of the air with a fishing net.

Fav 11 4277 1517
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

He's trying to row the canoe up my front yard like he is Lewis and Clark.

Fav 7 4520 1172
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Tell your boyfriend I'm sorry for ruining his vein. I'm never drawing blood drunk again.

Fav 8 1088 5665
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

when she was 9 she got kicked out of our 4-H camp dance for pole dancing on the spirit stick

Fav 22 5924 1404
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

Fav 11 4485 2001
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's got a countert top full of yard sale blenders so id say maragita wednesdays is a go.

Fav 6 3862 981
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

my fake id says im a 34 yr old russian lady ... how is this working

Fav 11 3744 1144
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.

Fav 3 3450 1177
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you started keeping track of only every even numbered drink you had

Fav 9 3649 1002
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

Had a speaker in class today. She asked whats the first question when you see someone pregnant. I said whos the father? She was looking for "is it a boy or a girl?"

Fav 20 7275 1429
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

We ended up on a hotel balcony in Daytona where she lured a seagull down with a pizza crust she found in her purse and preceded to grab it out of the air by it's neck.

Fav 24 10364 2495
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

We were squawking at each other for over an hour like chickens. Literally. Never touching the stuff again and never again showing my face at that Denny's.

Fav 12 3175 1317
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I woke up and someone had put toast at my feet. I was SO. HAPPY.

Fav 7 4670 1148
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

woke up on the kitchen floor in the recovery position. at least drunk me remembered sober me's emt training

Fav 10 4760 1138
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

Ihop lady gave me free pancakes for being sober this time

Fav 4 7469 1565
share tweet
(312): View more from Illinois

You kept making up "snapple facts" every time you opened a beer.

Fav 10 8736 1327
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

She's trying to master eating with her feet. She said it was be she "always has to be prepared."

Fav 3 2263 1403
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

After we smoked, the cops questioned us but i just asked if he wanted to join our basketball team.

Fav 12 4397 1263
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

My brother just put in eyedrops to talk to my mom on the phone

Fav 8 8533 1441
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

DON'T BE A PUSSY. ONLY 1/3 OF THE WORDS IN YOUR LAST TEXT WERE MISSPELLED, WHICH MEANS YOU NEED 2/3 MORE SHOTS.

Fav 16 6523 1324
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

there may or may not be knives in your bed. I would check

Fav 7 4356 1618
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

yeah he couldn't walk in a straight line and started throwing up and told the cop he just has an astigmatism

Fav 8 4608 1471
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

the only evidence i have from this weekend existing is a title page for a novel i tried writing called "the oyster who gave up drinking"

Fav 11 5929 1232
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I say we get drunk before the exam tomorrow. At least then we have a valid excuse for failing.

Fav 7 4452 1390
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

Fav 17 5316 1536
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i think you walked me home, then i felt bad for putting you through the trouble so i walked you home...i'm not sure how i got home after that.

Fav 6 5906 1142
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Apparently I kept telling people I was a pro tennis player again...

Fav 5 3286 1012
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

Its that time of year where we just drink more instead of dressing warmer

Fav 10 5822 1613
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

just went to my meeting with last nights make up still on, not wearing a bra, and the 14 shot tallies still on my wrist.. My advisor's questions should be answered as to why I'm not in my major yet.

Fav 7 3606 1359
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.

Fav 5 4060 1288
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

the sad thing is, im pretty sure she was serious about giving me head for my falafel

Fav 18 3766 1549
share tweet
(562): View more from California

I just got a new temperpedic mattress pad and started smoking weed again in the same week. finding motivation to go to a 9:AM class is close to impossible.

Fav 11 5843 1369
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

He gave me his number and said the usual call whenever you need someone but then was like... or just call me.

(315): View more from New York

You would pick up a guy in AA.

Fav 12 4077 1278
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

then they caught me trying to hide the turtle in the fridge

Fav 10 4561 1570
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

i was quietly enjoying my waffles when he came downstairs naked, kissed me on the forehead, and thanked me for the night before. i didnt even know anyone stayed over.

Fav 15 9006 1564
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

So we are lighting beer bottles on fire and breaking them in half to make glasses

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That sounds dangerous

(316): View more from Kansas

Don't worry......were wearing oven mits.

Fav 9 4868 1248
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

his mom found me in the closet hiding and the only thing i could think of was to sit there and wave.

Fav 13 5872 1547
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

He's having a heart to heart coversation with the keg about what he should do with his life.

Fav 7 3848 1169
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Come find me please? Im in a ditch.

(1-604): View more from British Columbia

That doesn't help me much...

(604): View more from British Columbia

I'm right under the moon!

Fav 15 14676 1665
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

keep an eye on me. i'm afraid that after a few more drinks i'll ask to borrow his wheelchair.

Fav 3 2764 1078
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i totally fed the cab driver fruit salad with my hands while he was driving

Fav 7 3820 1617
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm eating mac and cheese for dinner that way when I puke later it'll be festive halloween orange.

Fav 3 3619 1499
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

For future reference, when you see people who look like Rosie O'donell, do not tell them they look like Rosie O'donell.

Fav 7 3771 1872
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

grown man stumbling drunk down green street wearing nothing but a hot dog costume and crying. its not even noon yet.

Fav 20 5446 1596
share tweet
(415): View more from California

You kept trying to hail an ambulance

Fav 2 3911 1282
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

Fav 7 6452 2168
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

Ummm so I just found the baby pumpkin that was on my porch last night in Village Pizza this morning on their counter. The cashier said some drunk girl came in and told him it was a present.

Fav 9 4685 1143
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

His fridge was full of blocks of pepperjack cheese, and his pantry was stocked with huge jars of jellybeans. Even if I'd been drunk, I don't think I could've made that up.

Fav 1 2959 1100
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

What part of i'm handcuffed to an oven do you not understand?

Fav 10 5441 2172
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

you kept saying "no santa, im not having sex with you. it's not your holiday".

Fav 8 7574 1344
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

you were wandering around the street for like an hour singing "nothing but socks on"..an original you wrote after the 12th shot i believe

Fav 4 4684 1180
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Using what I learned in my global terrorism class last semester to sneak booze onto my cruise. thanks college.

Fav 14 7222 1197
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

dude i have an english essay and a bio lab due tomorow

(410): View more from Maryland

so basically your not goin out tonight?

(301): View more from Maryland

who said that?

Fav 13 5752 1294
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

So I'm looking through your google history on your laptop and you have 'is ketchup even remotely nutritious' and 'alcohol with fewest calories but highest alcohol'. What new fad diet are you on because I feel like we could do this together.

Fav 7 6900 2020
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

how opposed are you to picking me up at the bar at 11:00am?

Fav 6 3937 1193
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

You kept tellin the cashier that this order was "To Go" over and over...even tho we were in the drive-thru

Fav 10 4946 1486
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Giving me the bigger bowl of ramen isn't considered "romantic"

Fav 31 2731 3361
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

Fav 13 8396 1570
share tweet
(714): View more from California

the liquor store owner came out from behind the counter and kissed my cheek when he saw that i am back for fall semester

Fav 10 9943 1338
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

if you really think there are plastic pots safe for the stove i fear for your future landlords.

Fav 9 1192 3411
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

did u get his digits?

(201): View more from New Jersey

yes his name is chazbangbangbang according to my phone...

Fav 8 5376 1320
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

she refused to get out of the dog cage till we sang "be our guest" to her.

Fav 10 6363 1505
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

And by that I mean I told her the plot of the first batman movie as my life and it took her like 20 minutes to figure it out

Fav 13 6516 1433
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Nothing says I've got my life together like buying a jumbo bottle of 7$ wine in sweat pants on a monday night

Fav 14 4414 1564
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Apparently I fed my Plan B to my turtle last night.

Fav 20 1477 5867
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

He kept buying me shots of tequila. I decided to just save myself the half hour of toilet hugging and tell him straight up that I intended on sleeping with him. We got Tacos on the way home with all the money we saved.

Fav 30 12865 2259
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Where'd you guys get the alcohol from?

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Oh. Some homeless guy we picked up from I-70. He bought us $400 worth of alcohol in exchange for a shower.

(816): View more from Missouri

...... wtf.

Fav 25 7721 1544
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I know I know. I considered playing it sober but after I typed out IS SHE A GENIE? I knew it was impossible to hide.

Fav 4 3346 1118
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

bad decision 37: pregaming the antique store

Fav 7 3681 1605
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

It honestly wasnt my fault this time. i was in shock. WHO THE FUCK OWNS A PEACOCK?!

Fav 20 8325 1349
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

DID YOU JUST COME OUT THROUGH A FACEBOOK COMMENT??

Fav 13 6190 2184
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

I think it was our ex-neighbor Mike. He leaves Taco Bell outside our door a lot

(313): View more from Michigan

He'll drop off his extra tacos at our place bc he's super high when he orders & can't eat them all

Fav 23 8108 1285
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We made a drinking game out of Project Runway. Gay guys are so fun.

Fav 10 4682 1252
share tweet
(310): View more from California

I'm partying with my neighbors right now, and by "with my neighbors" I mean they are partying in their backyard and I'm partying in mine, and by "partying" I mean I'm sitting here alone drinking tequila.

Fav 13 2423 6392
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

You just kept screaming "You are no House!!!" at the ER doc trying to stitch your head

Fav 23 8265 1669
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

He walked me home last night across campus while i fed him pasta out of a solo cup at 3 am.

Fav 13 4424 1062
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

just saw someone whip out a flask during lecture... I think I found a study partner

Fav 9 6552 1276
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

dude. we need more in our fridge then just beer and applesauce.

Fav 20 4667 1228
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

picked up a girl by parallel parking. i love this town already.

Fav 7 4074 984
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

he's listed in a fb relationship with a girl born in 1993. i'm too drunk to do the math on that one, but i am sober enough to know that's illegal

Fav 35 2012 4433
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You do realize that we bought beer at 9:30 in the morning to avoid sobering up. Stupidity was bound to follow.

Fav 6 4014 1159
share tweet
(415): View more from California

I'm really proud of her, she waited until she was on tiled floor to start puking on the ground

Fav 7 3386 1188
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Two people in the coffee shop I'm at are on a date and talking about how acid has affected them and the girl just mentioned meth. Fuck studying, this just got interesting.

Fav 15 6202 1334
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I made weed fried chicken. What have you done today?

Fav 39 6275 1448
share tweet
(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

Fav 9 4720 1800
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

I've spent the last three hours watching 30 rock and eating marshmallows and ham. I'm considering taking up weed to justify my lifestyle.

Fav 25 6252 1524
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

just realized we made a drinking game to how many times they say "hakuna matata" in the lion king last night... hello sophomore year.

Fav 16 4905 1405
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

It ended with me crying and eating pizza in my closet.

Fav 14 1299 4105
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

this is a mass text to all the people i smoke weed with. I have Mono, so if we've shared a bong/pipe. sorry man.

Fav 17 1393 6419
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You pulled the fire alarm because you had to shit and there was someone in the bathroom. you said you needed privacy

Fav 12 5655 1474
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

how do I tell the students with a crush on me, that yes, I am open to receiving blowjobs in exchange for grades?

Fav 79 16394 3381
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

she kept calling me pablo. i just went with it.

Fav 10 4201 1306
share tweet
(+54): View more from

look for us when you get to the club. we're the guys wearing snorkels.

Fav 11 7605 1273
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We're doing a case race on Saturday.

(302): View more from Delaware

I'm in. I'm currently drinking a beer in the bathtub so I guess I can consider this "practice" and not just "alcoholism"

Fav 5 4298 1112
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

Fav 17 6056 1898
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

Well, I woke up with a text message from my cab driver that said "I hope you're alive," so that's a good indicator of how I was acting last night.

Fav 10 5558 1171
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

I got to the apartment, I was handed a beer within 20 seconds, I'm glowing in the dark, there's fog everywhere, and now I'm wearing a sombrero because apparently it's silly hat night. I never want to leave.

Fav 16 12280 1355
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

Fav 9 6545 1275
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

theres a kid face down in the middle of campus... people are going about their day and paying no attention to him

Fav 14 6216 1922
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

Come over and help me clean up your so-called "winter wonderland" that you made with the fire extinguisher in the kitchen last night.

Fav 10 5169 2015
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Its what jesus would do if there were bud light in his time. I feel obligated.

Fav 10 3308 1268
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We had to introduce ourselves in ethics class. This guy stood up said I'm mark, I love sluts and Jack. Then just sat back down. Hero status.

Fav 43 15732 1824
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

They had some plan b on the table between the beer and the guacamole. Yeah, it's gonna be a fun party.

Fav 8 3838 1407
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

You were eating microwaved pad thai out of a solo cup with a pair of scissors....

Fav 4 3773 2139
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude you should see the looks were getting for ordering a pitcher of beer with breakfast.

Fav 10 5108 1131
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

You know that it's no longer pregaming if you don't go anywhere, right? That's just drinking alone.

Fav 8 1460 5619
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

Fav 9 1566 4300
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

my sister and i are watching a movie and pregaming together. and by pregaming i mean shes not drinking since she 14 and im drinking alone.

Fav 24 1844 4644
share tweet
(862): View more from New Jersey

just remind me when i get fired soon that august is the month i started pregaming work

Fav 3 2687 1341
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

dude 8 am is too early to start pregaming for new years eve

(608): View more from Wisconsin

clearly you are not from wisconsin

Fav 104 8078 1179
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

maybe it wasnt such a good idea to pregame our lease signing...

Fav 11 1452 4125
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I know it may not be fiscally responsible to pregame fifty cent night, but I'm gonna go ahead and do it anyway.

Fav 39 4103 950
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

There's nothing like puking in the airport on the way TO Vegas. Something tells me i pregamed a little too hard.

Fav 9 5098 1541
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I'm pregaming before our pregaming dinner...with peanut butter and beer. I think I need to re-evaluate my budget...

(316): View more from Kansas

Just the budget?

Fav 4 4838 1354
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Still drunk just puked in the meat cooler tried to clean it up with ham. Its not working

Fav 7 1335 3815
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

We're sending your burrito through the mail slot.

Fav 4 4139 1048
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

The last thing I remember is yelling "ill handle this" while wearing a lion suit and holding a jug of vodka when the RAs came

Fav 16 7489 1417
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

He made fire alarm noises before throwing up all over the street.

Fav 7 3313 1375
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.

Fav 16 5480 1454
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

you made me have a moment of silence for the half of a sub sandwich that you dropped on the floor earlier

Fav 10 5029 1528
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

To justify your stumbling you just kept yelling 'it's the boat, not the drinks' We hadn't even left the dock yet....

Fav 5 5463 1221
share tweet
(707): View more from California

just saw a former disney star do a keg stand. her life choices have improved.

Fav 20 10108 1274
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Do you remember trying to eat gravel when we were walking back to the dorm?

Fav 11 1910 3756
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

He kept saying it was because he was allergic to the chicken. Then he threw up on my mom.

Fav 5 1049 3689
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

My aunt totally just drunk dialed me when i was super stoned, it was so intense

Fav 11 6660 1386
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

you were passed out in your cheese fries by the time he brought out your second order of french toast.

Fav 8 3377 1325
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you just kept yelling NO BUENO SENOR at the cashier and throwing coins at him, of course you were going to get kicked out of the grocery store

Fav 25 5166 1515
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

Fav 8 1366 4107
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

Turns out shot glasses hold the perfect serving of sour patch kids....I still fail to see how not having any real glasses is an issue

Fav 4 3826 1147
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Chinese roommate asked me this a.m when u left if all girls here have multiple boyfriends..

Fav 9 5442 1753
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I keep having to talk dad out of putting tequila in the milkshakes.

Fav 17 5115 1390
share tweet
(859): View more from Kentucky

you tried to pee on a squirrel and everyone saw. you've got some serious untagging to do

Fav 5 5623 1730
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

You didn't have enough money so you tried to convince the cashier that "four dollar foot long" rolled off the tongue better. Stop drinking. Immediately.

Fav 9 6018 1460
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Have fun at school today. Try to hide that you're a whore. The other girls will like you better that way.

Fav 36 7779 1688
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

Nah it's cool, I made him pinky promise me he wouldn't die if I left him passed out in the bathroom.

Fav 7 4629 1502
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You kept screaming "Its taco night!" before every shot

Fav 8 4697 1144
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Found her in the closet eating mayo out of the jar with a knife

Fav 15 1363 7282
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

the fact that i fell through a skylight is the least humiliating part of the night

Fav 6 4266 1440
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

So you actually don't remember giving head to the Neil Armstrong statue last night?

Fav 16 5301 1940
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

There are sesame seeds in my vagina. This cannot be explained with logic.

Fav 31 1646 5400
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

He poured syrup on all those broken dishes because "syrup is magical, and by the time we wake up, they'll be fixed."

Fav 11 7428 1904
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

I just made Jack Daniels snow cones.

Fav 22 8430 1412
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

He kept singing "who's that peekin in my window" we thought he was high til we realized someone was lookin in the windows.

Fav 15 7326 2399
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

Vodka infused whipped cream. Shit just got real.

Fav 13 7341 1441
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Correct me if I'm wrong but the photo album titles "cause I've been drankin" and "baby jessica" should not belong to the same person.

Fav 10 1483 3948
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

Eliza got arrested. What's the protocol on eating an arrested person's sandwich?

Fav 25 5815 1592
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

She told me I was only the second guy she slept with. I told her she was only my second Megan.

Fav 41 12269 2534
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Dude i think i got lasagna in my eye

Fav 12 1482 2991
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You were spitting chewed up pretzle into my hands telling me to hold it for you.

Fav 3 1638 3338
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

I don't have the urge to be a home-wrecker with these two. I think I've grown, don't you?

Fav 6 2966 1069
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

btw i have an angry voicemail of you yelling at me to get you a sandwich or die.

Fav 13 6324 1312
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

you made your own hammock out of a towel and duct tape.

Fav 15 4955 1216
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Well he's not a stripper, so we're already doing better than my last date.

Fav 3 3175 1016
share tweet
(418): View more from Quebec

You wrote me a letter and I cannot make out anything you wrote except the last sentence which says "tell the wolf ill meet him at sunset and that I'm sorrry"

Fav 11 7340 1516
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Should I feel bad that I fucked her and made her ride my little brothers razor scooter home?

Fav 29 5862 2533
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

That glade motion activator thing keeps going off every time we pass the bong. I don't know what I'm getting high off right now.

Fav 13 6248 1419
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just don't see what's wrong with carrying a water bottle around.

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

It's not the bottle. It's the fact that you're drinking wine out of a sport bottle at 9 am.

Fav 8 5181 1431
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

Fav 10 6284 1715
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

It would be been irresponsible not to make cleaning the apartment into a drinking game

Fav 10 4556 1352
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.

Fav 33 5152 1422
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

Fav 25 6425 1631
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

Fav 18 1524 4153
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Somehow ended up at a stranger's bridal shower. Everyone else is already drunk.

Fav 12 4760 967
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

you kept saying 'its nothing a six pack wont fix' as they loaded you into the ambulance.

Fav 16 8867 1749
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Hes sobering up now. He was just really bad for like 45 minutes. He cried while he was telling me how he pictured us eating hotdogs on the beach together..

Fav 7 4261 1974
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

just explained the breakup in detail to my big toes. that consolation brownie was Amazing.

Fav 8 4900 1594
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

It's official, I've know hooked up with everyone I carpooled with in middle school

Fav 27 5493 1462
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

According to google history I spent most of last night trying to buy an elephant.

Fav 25 11942 1622
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I feel like if you stuck me in a room with all my old toys it'd be the best high ever.

Fav 23 5562 1557
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

Fav 18 6689 1666
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You paid the taxi driver with a comb last night.

Fav 16 5452 1363
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

Fav 22 5441 1799
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Somewhere at this very moment, a group of drunk white girls are singing dont stop believing.

Fav 48 13248 2051
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

Fav 41 12267 1779
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

I told her the maid must have stolen all my condoms. She bought it

Fav 14 2037 5031
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

Fav 11 5041 1341
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

random question: do you know anywhere in the tri-state that has elephant racing? this is a work related question.

Fav 17 6648 1550
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Just when you think you're never going to have sex again, BOOM you're naked in bed with a guatemalan

Fav 20 8324 1966
share tweet
(925): View more from California

She talked about nothing but beanie babies for 45 minutes. I'm never getting high with her again.

Fav 12 1529 5070
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I think it is impossible 2 take a person seriously when their last name is Pancake

Fav 42 9234 1805
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

i've never smoked before...when you said wake and bake i thought you meant like a funeral bbq or something

Fav 28 8041 2165
share tweet
(03): View more from

you flashed the cab driver so we didn't have to pay the fare and then you decided you were on a roll so you flashed the guy at the maccas drive through... safe to say your boob job was the best idea ever!!

Fav 18 7370 1401
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I guess you don't remember pouring tequila in the dog bowl and slurping it.

Fav 5 3186 2304
share tweet
(818): View more from California

he just looked at me and whispered "these are my sea lions. my sea lions." and then went back to licking the mirror

Fav 14 6599 2075
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

He keeps the condoms in his bible. I guess stairs or elevator, we're getting to hell one way or another.

Fav 11 4728 1966
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Blood drive hookups: you will probably faint during the sex, but at least you know neither of you has AIDS

Fav 34 11291 1741
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

you handed the cop a condom last night and said "it's all about protect and serve right?"

Fav 19 11271 1629
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

In hindsight, trust falling your grandma was a bad idea. Sorry about that.

Fav 20 1929 5173
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i think you broke pat's ankle when you drove over it... he's freaking out but on a more serious note i'm 99% sure i saw a werewolf

Fav 44 15606 1981
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

did the walk of shame through a baseball field. .A little league game was going on. Proceeded to buy a hot dog at the concession stand. the looks were priceless.

Fav 9 6359 1572
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

You just kept mumbling, "Shit shit shit, the muffin man owes me money." Repeatedly.

Fav 13 6146 1503
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

thanks for texting me "so many asians" at 1am...

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

there were a lot.

Fav 29 6853 1466
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

Fav 7 1272 4596
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

My dinner guests were so drunk they never realized that I inadvertantly put Frosted Mini Wheats on the salad instead of crutons.

Fav 17 8102 1444
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

There is something depressing about eating toast in a dark living room by myself using a paper plate that says: "Let's Party!"

Fav 5 1565 5081
share tweet
(308): View more from Nebraska

What if we had a smart house and we could just say "baked" and it would rain donuts?

Fav 21 9252 1482
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Ok. In one sink is a hairdrier. Still plugged in. The other is filled with broken glass. What do I do?!

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Nvm. Bloody hand trumps dead. Also, where is gauze.

Fav 18 1308 4004
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

please tell me you didn't have sex with him in the bathroom...

(1-514): View more from Quebec

Does an alley count?

Fav 8 1640 3142
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

at what point did putting a bag of doritos in the freezer seem like a really good idea?

Fav 13 3611 1265
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

Fav 19 5651 1313
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

Fav 17 8739 1619
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

I swiped a lunchable and a gatorade from my one night stand's fridge, does it count as a date now since a meal was included?

Fav 17 5433 1539
share tweet
(763): View more from Minnesota

someone left their shoes, a resume, and a pizza in the shower... i am actually speechless

Fav 10 4943 1338
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

he sent me this 10 second long video of a gorilla eating a banana on my phone. no explanation. I didn't even have his number. just. a gorilla eating a banana.

Fav 9 5176 1415
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Medicore although I woke up with the business card of a Turkish lawyer called Mufasa...

Fav 18 5290 1345
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

you know something has gone wrong in your life when you've gotten a court order to stay away from ALL mc donalds.

(949): View more from California

she's my drunk super hero.

Fav 17 6046 1657
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

I woke up to three texts telling me to "go fuck myself," a panicked voicemail from my mom, and a girl thanking me... I'm not sure which I should take care of first

Fav 24 6700 1625
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

just ran into a kid I used to hook up with while wearing his shirt. Only me. I tried to pretend like it wasn't his but it said his name on the back so I wasn't winning that.

Fav 22 2164 6198
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

Fav 97 4803 10322
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple

Fav 11 4519 1256
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

He couldn't say anything coherently but shot off a perfectly timed "that's what she said" when michelle said he'd have to ride in the trunk because she didn't have enough room up front.

Fav 9 7985 1517
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Congrats to the girl that left her positive preggo test in the bathroom...

Fav 18 1757 6686
share tweet
(912): View more from Georgia

Once again there IS no outside bathroom. Never has been, that is the balcony

Fav 11 4654 1778
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I need a $60 an hour job, because I have a $50 an hour drinking habit.

Fav 13 4056 2763
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

So you had sex with my brother?

(1-520): View more from Arizona

It sounds like you dont need me to answer that.

Fav 8 6013 1622
share tweet
(928): View more from Arizona

I'm in the liquor aisle and a 10 yr old boy yells, "My favorite beer is Corona! Daddy remember when you gave me some on our camping trip?"

Fav 32 8383 2069
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

Fav 23 7117 1739
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

Night out in new white coat = success. Offered free breast exams all night, two took me up on it, woke up with one. I love medical school!!!

Fav 20 6907 1334
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

her bf's celebrating 10 yrs of service at kfc...it's safe to say all the good men are taken

Fav 13 1248 4136
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

can't make this up: he's writing lyrics for the musical reenactment of how he met her @ an anime convention to perform at their wedding. yes, there'll also be dance routines involved.

Fav 13 2573 4133
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I'm going on a nature/throwup walk. Don't lock me out of the apartment.

Fav 9 4111 1498
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

We'll probably be arrested for having a cheetah in our apartment anyway, so I say go for it.

Fav 26 7919 1644
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

I think I've hugged the toilet more times than I've hugged my own family members.

Fav 19 2159 3976
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

K. On the way. I need a drink.

(904): View more from Florida

Like a drink drink or like water?

(601): View more from Mississippi

Have we met?

Fav 10 6670 1375
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

A guy in a sombrero stopped to take a picture with me sitting on the curb.

Fav 6 3742 1199
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i can't believe you were mixing vodka with green tea last night and enjoying it.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

i should bottle and sell it. my slogan could be "green tea vodka. antioxidating while intoxiacting. your liver will thank you. "

Fav 40 10292 1537
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Youre at medical school. Im eating raw cookie dough, pickles, and orange juice. Naked. On a monday afternoon. I clearly make better life choices than you.

Fav 38 8275 1857
share tweet
(555): View more from

She puked in the bank of America parking lot? Awesome.

(555): View more from

Yeah, figured I'd deposit my check while we were there.

Fav 13 3674 1204
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

I should just tell him this. He doesn't need to be all nice and ask me on dates and to do gay stuff like hangout during the day. I'll still sleep with him regardless.

Fav 36 4902 1650
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You passed out across the stairs with your feet and arms through the railings so you "wouldn't fall down when you blacked out and no one could get the pizza past you without waking you up". \n\nYou're the smartest drunk I know.

Fav 15 7298 1498
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

She went into the basement and sang to my cat for three hours....she actually has a beautiful voice....

Fav 10 6229 1477
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

So does it count as really great road-head if he ran over 3 mailboxes before realizing he was off the road?

Fav 23 10453 1467
share tweet
(432): View more from Texas

To be honest I don't know what's worse, the fact that I interupted their shower sex or the fact that I was so drunk I used the adjoining stall anyway

Fav 8 3500 1355
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

I have no idea. I woke up naked on someones toilet locked in the bathroom with two baby kittens.

Fav 18 7045 1554
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

so exactly what does one wear to an abortion clinic?

Fav 60 1621 7183
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

Does it make me a prostitute if I accepted a Life House concert ticket for giving this guy head?

(1-605): View more from South Dakota

No. It just means your good at giving head.

Fav 22 4407 1414
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

All he was doing was sitting in the car, staring. We asked him what was wrong and he just turned, smiled, and said "everything has its own pair of boots"

Fav 12 5860 1605
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He was pretty out of it. He heard crickets outside, and thought it was the laptop. So he put his ear to it, rubbed the keyboard, and said "tell me your secrets."

Fav 17 8040 1622
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

That's saying a lot from the girl who takes her liquor with her to the library

Fav 5 4255 1261
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Someone said we're out of ice. You collapsed on the spot and started sobbing, saying 'but where will all the polar bears live". That drunk.

Fav 32 18760 1880
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

I was under the impression that I sent actual words. turns out it was a series of letters and question marks on a side note we still had sex

Fav 3 4163 1225
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

Fav 16 6771 1329
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

This beer is not sobering me up at all

Fav 13 8181 1576
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i dont think duct tape can fix my g spot

(1-305): View more from Florida

lets call myth busters

Fav 23 6730 1843
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

First night in the new apartment. There are 12 people here i don't know, Tequila, and a crying girl locked in our bathroom. I think the apartment christening is complete.

Fav 22 5513 1380
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

when she said she was from California you started sobbing. You begged her not to melt your popsicle because you paid good money for it and you just wanted to eat it in peace.

Fav 39 16944 1858
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

You're just telling me nice things because you came in my eye.

Fav 28 4548 3003
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

After we hooked up, he left the room and no one has seen him since last night. That kid redefined hit it and quit it.

Fav 31 5639 1758
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

i just threw up in the porta potty. i am in no condition to be guarding anyone's life rite now.

Fav 12 1271 3642
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

His appology was" look at it this way, at least you'll give better head without those teeth.'

Fav 9 1287 5679
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

you looked up at me mid puke with tears in your eyes and asked to make sure no one took your turn at Wii

Fav 22 9588 1845
share tweet
(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

Fav 24 8146 1758
share tweet
(660): View more from Missouri

THAT stays in the CAR. And if one fucking person who was NOT in the car brings it up, I will KILL you. Thank you.

(816): View more from Missouri

..So we should take it off Youtube?

Fav 28 11680 2189
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

the weed was in a baggy that had little penguins on it. i am so excited you have no idea

Fav 27 6356 1490
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

By the way, she says hi. At least I think she did since she licked my phone

Fav 8 4417 1205
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Making pb&j crepes. Using corn tortillas. So high. I don't know if I'm offending French people or Mexican people more.

Fav 31 5800 1508
share tweet
(662): View more from Mississippi

Well I say she's a whore. All four of her kids have different last names.

(901): View more from Tennessee

BUT, one is Johnson and the other is Johnston. She gets some credit for that

Fav 26 2211 4507
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

i found a twelve pack under my bed. and a six pack in my closet. I'm like a fucking alcoholic squirrel.

Fav 26 13590 1717
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

I'm in the grocery store cradling a box of wine like it's my firstborn, so of course this would be the first and only time I've ever seen my boss outside of the office.

Fav 7 1756 4118
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

You should have been there. We got drunk and threw a sword through his windshield.

Fav 20 7825 1624
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

im sitting in a tub with a sombrero on.. im just kind of confused.

Fav 9 5707 1402
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

When I woke up in the parking lot today I decided it is not a good idea to hang out with you anymore.

Fav 9 5182 1679
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Bubblewrap condoms. We can steal Ziplock's new slogan. Protection you can hear.

Fav 18 8172 1567
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I've spent the last ten minutes rubbing glue sticks on the wall

Fav 17 3781 1798
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Knitting and drinking wine. Forget my 21st birthday, might as well just skip to my 60th

Fav 16 2473 4789
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

My sink just fell out of the wall. I can't deal with this right now

Fav 12 1764 5334
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

also I just used a straw to drink the juice out of a tomato b/c I forgot how to bite.

Fav 14 4398 1700
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

so i never found you. but i found vodka. so its kinda the same

Fav 9 5455 1356
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I went out in the middle of the night to smoke my weed.. Didn't realize my dad was sitting on the patio doing the exact same thing..

Fav 35 15048 1813
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

whoever threw up in my shampooo bottle is totally getting defriended on facebook.

(231): View more from Michigan

i tried to stop you. you just kept saying your split ends needed punishment.

Fav 41 2413 5892
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

You're always adorable, but when you're drunk, you're like Chia Pet adorable.

Fav 11 5658 1383
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

Its midnight, he's burning water on the stove and keeps yelling at me and telling me not to burn myself.

Fav 9 1283 3082
share tweet
(830): View more from Texas

You were petting your shoe and saying this makes me really happy

Fav 12 4578 1446
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Also just realized how inappropriate it looks to other drivers to finish bottles of cheap champagne at stoplights

Fav 21 3387 2795
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I've never seen anyone write a check for a bar tab before

Fav 16 4026 1587
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

you know it's bad when you need sunglasses to open the refrigerator

Fav 21 7699 2005
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

Fav 37 10361 1803
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

Chelsea handler, $19 million - Forbes women top 100. Seriously she shaped her career around her love of vodka. HERO.

Fav 27 8855 1630
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I'm too drunk to be surrounded by this many indians

(503): View more from Oregon

How do you manage to be drunk and a racial minority so often?

Fav 20 5580 1459
share tweet
(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

Fav 24 4687 2500
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

i just got cockblocked by a guy drinking wine straight out of the bottle with a straw...

Fav 26 1639 5489
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

he was fingering me, then looked down and said "i like your socks"

Fav 32 7616 2568
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

So I came home baked last night and made about 60% of my jeans into jorts...

Fav 22 3007 7181
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Oh god. There is a bite mark in the bar of soap. Please tell me I was not that wasted.

Fav 12 4297 1750
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

he just asked me to email him a handle of captain morgans...how sober do you think he is?

Fav 10 4973 1291
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

My dad just questioned my drinking habits... Clearly he doesn't know what kind of college education he's paying for

Fav 18 4986 1372
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

Fav 25 7285 2072
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well apparently "don't come inside of me" wasn't one of the English phrases he understood! On the bright side... At least he will get his green card for having an american kid!

Fav 51 1758 10920
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just looked up how to break up with someone nicely on google. glad to know im not the only one who looks up this shit.

Fav 16 5128 1928
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

Just got a birthday card from Camel. How am I supposed to stop smoking when they care?

Fav 25 5027 2812
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

Fav 10 1184 5543
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

How long is it safe to eat only Hot Pockets and Popsicles?

Fav 30 4088 1839
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

The theme is smores and alcohol. Dress appropriately.

Fav 11 6026 1284
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

I've gotten 23 condolence texts about Germany's defeat. I got 3 for our break-up. That's how much my friends don't like you.

Fav 41 11927 1832
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

Fav 13 6343 1290
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

We took up a collection and paid her $50 to eat a piece of meat. Vegetarian morals trumped once again by cash.

Fav 31 6133 1902
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

What would you have done with a 40 foot neon parrot anyway?

Fav 19 5902 1524
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

He keeps trying to sell me the forks from his kitchen drawer

Fav 9 5112 1635
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I am drunk at a castle and it isn't even 3. Europe is amazing.

Fav 13 7178 1237
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The fact you even thought licking it would fix it boggles my mind

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Well it worked

(330): View more from Ohio

Not the point

Fav 21 6468 1363
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

My cleaning lady just walked in the kitchen and i had a hardcore boner. I dont know what awkward is anymore

Fav 38 5536 1947
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

A true measure of a good friend is how long she responds to her friends drunken illogical texts. Youre a champ.

Fav 6 5974 1385
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I have fifteen cents in cash and 80 cents in the bank. BUT I have weed.

Fav 35 6569 2521
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Biggest lesson I have learned in college: Drink if you are happy. Drink more if you aren't.

Fav 11 7752 1738
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I will never get the visual of you crying while chewing christmas lights out of my head

Fav 12 5155 1951
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I truly don't know anything about sober relationships. Normally I would just drunkenly yell "sex?" in a guy's face. What do I do now? Be like, sooo uhhh, wanna do it? Awkward, and even worse, I will remember clearly just how awkward it was.

Fav 39 2144 5762
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

Fav 29 7463 2731
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

He was taking the caps off the vodka bottles and throwing them out the window so we'd have to finish them. Engineers have the best logic.

Fav 38 12651 1611
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Just looked at my outgoing calls. Seems I had a 7 minute convo with my 10th grade english teacher at 2:56 am Saturday...

Fav 36 8344 1745
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

Fav 26 9473 1659
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Reason #57 I am going to fail the bar... it's Tuesday and i'm drunk at Toy Story 3.

Fav 16 6205 1569
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I already brushed my teeth, and it's not even noon yet. Today's going to be a productive day.

Fav 13 5574 1275
share tweet
(905): View more from Ontario

oh ps. last night you kept telling me to calm down because everything was fine cause you were getting "arab money"...

Fav 18 5492 2442
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

The only ground rules are no one is allowed to come who will say "no, that's a bad idea" or "what if we get arrested?"

Fav 17 8417 2148
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

2am update: i think I'm in Mexico but I found a dennys. Everyone but this cute family of 4 is speaking Spanish. Cute family of 4 is helping me out.

Fav 26 8582 1995
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

He passed out so we kept throwing water on him, he got excited and asked if we were at the wave pool.

Fav 14 7502 2270
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

We should make a goal to do one active thing a day, even if its like throwing a ball

(419): View more from Ohio

And by ball i mean playing catch. Beer pong does not count as an activity

Fav 35 6071 2249
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

This is a dangerous game of "whose life is more pathetic".

Fav 9 1267 3639
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

I only have two playlists on my iPod. One for when im getting drunk, one for when I'm getting high. Is this something to be worried about?

Fav 15 4735 1624
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Do you know any thirteen year old jewish kids? I'm looking for a party.

Fav 16 3026 3869
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

apparently the dude across the street has been dead for like a month. now I feel bad about pissing on his lawn

Fav 14 1332 5344
share tweet
(+43): View more from

my summer class's final was canceled bc it interfered with the world cup. he is giving us all A's on it. I love europe

Fav 16 8259 1182
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I made friends with a raccoon. I pet it. Like I was Pocahontas.

Fav 31 12514 1766
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Literally passed out while tubing... Boating while hammered is a blast but thank God for life jackets

Fav 8 4475 1389
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

At what point should shame kick in? Realising I had a one night stand with a man engaged or realising I am that man's wedding photographer?

Fav 34 2134 6386
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

He told me he wouldn't do any drunk sluts but me. I guess that's sort of a compliment...?

Fav 16 4281 1771
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

all ill say about last night is that we tried to stop you. oh and the bus you're on is going to nashville.

Fav 6 8589 2037
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I wish there were college classes that were useful to your daily life, like how to pack a proper bowl in pitch black darkness.

Fav 20 4939 1550
share tweet
(562): View more from California

the black eye was caused by a 12 year old girl in a vampire costume who punched you in the face after you aggresively screamed "TEAM JACOB!" in her face & howled at the moon...

Fav 95 21328 2346
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

you handled that situation with as much grace as someone puking involuntarily could

Fav 4 3637 1473
share tweet
(510): View more from California

answer the phone. i thought i was eating cheese but it was butter. i ate a lot of it.

Fav 6 1794 5796
share tweet
(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

Fav 6 3744 1237
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

shes perfect for him. shes never seen a penis so she has nothing to compare his to.

Fav 9 4707 1960
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Im holding a competition......who saw me last, and who knows how my nose got bruised? you earn points for answering either question. and for bringing me water.

Fav 6 4781 1343
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I know. I just don't want anything else. I have no other desire. Just a ham sandwich.

(1-423): View more from Tennessee

I honestly don't know what to make of that.

(423): View more from Tennessee

A ham sandwich would be nice.

Fav 16 8166 1577
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.

Fav 14 4502 1285
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

Well we were just driving down the street, there was a realtor and a couple walking up the porch of a house for sale, mark sticks his head out, opens his mouth to say something, pukes all down the side of the car, pauses, and yells "THIS IS A PHENOMAL NEIGHBORHOOD YOURE GONNA LOVE IT"

Fav 22 14906 1828
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

One of us needs to be functional tomorrow and it won't be me. I'm drinking liquor out of a fishbowl.

Fav 16 5633 1329
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Sitting on the floor in my kitchen eating taquitos. Being this drunk the next day has lost its allure post graduation.

Fav 6 1256 3216
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just wiped my face with a slice of bread. Lowest point of the night.

Fav 11 1638 3987
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

because whats more american than sleeping with a westpoint cadet on the 4th of july?

Fav 43 7265 1330
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

So he handed us the weed then asked us if we needed any papers. And she goes "i dont know what that means, do we need to sign something?"

Fav 51 2596 7281
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

Apparently we had sex last night, and then I made him drive me to the beach so I could puke in the ocean.

Fav 9 4955 1392
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

Fav 11 3714 1806
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

New game: Step 1) Turn on ESPN. Step 2) Drink every time someone says "LeBron."

Fav 26 6382 1365
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

we need 14,000 post its to execute this plan

Fav 16 5997 1391
share tweet
(985): View more from Louisiana

shut up i haven't hooked up with anyone since 45 minutes ago

Fav 20 6646 1543
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

For using a life jacket as a pillow, I slept pretty good last night...

Fav 9 3608 1094
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

Fav 20 8358 1576
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

the russians are downstairs with the vodka loudly proclaiming happy birthday america. i don't care if it's the fourth, i care that it's 9 am and they woke me up.

Fav 23 4793 1692
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

He doesn't like you, he likes u not having a gag relfex

Fav 25 6273 2160
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

my advisor is telling us the best way to sneak in alcohol on move in day. I definately picked the right college

Fav 27 6489 1402
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So you threw a sword at me last night

(419): View more from Ohio

I honestly wish I could say that I was surprised.

Fav 11 6093 1448
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

We need to talk about our relationship.

(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I just won a bet involving 10 tequila shots. You've got about 3 minutes

Fav 20 9450 1868
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

He just went up to bed, still drunk from last night, carrying a pear, a pipe, and an unopened bottle of wine. I think he'll be fine.

Fav 11 4830 1301
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i think i am going to devote my summer to making my cats internet celebrities

Fav 30 7829 3210
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met

Fav 10 1041 4933
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Reason #1 for no sex outdoors: Mosquito bites. Awkward, awkward mosquito bites.

Fav 27 1680 5421
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

there is no way i'm buying plan b and condoms at the same time

(732): View more from New Jersey

no do it! it shows that you acknowledge your mistakes and you are proactively working towards a solution.

Fav 23 9104 1594
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

My roommate just called. He's in Miami and has no idea how he got there. He also has a ticket to Buenos Aires that he can't explain. I figured you'd have the explanation.

Fav 15 7668 1365
share tweet
(916): View more from California

day 8: i just gave goat a piece of pineapple soaked in rum. as an animal science major, im ashamed. as a normal person, it was awesome.

Fav 10 6439 1456
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.

Fav 25 5381 1218
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

My hispanic family watching the world cup is getting too intense for me. a lit candle was just thrown at me because i walked by the tv.

Fav 61 11285 2281
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Spent the last thirty minutes staring at the wall with Leah. It's definitly moving

Fav 13 5063 1463
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Are you still at the party or did I leave?

Fav 18 7316 1348
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i was mowing the lawn and found the coffee pot in the bushes

Fav 14 4845 1154
share tweet
(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

Fav 47 6917 1573
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

how do you tell someone you stalk them in a non-creepy way

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

you don't.

Fav 15 6297 1798
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70

Fav 13 6567 1356
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

apparently when the FedEx truck drove by, we tried to chase it down thinking they were delievering a 30 pack...great night.

Fav 6 4576 1078
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Wedding update: no alcohol, 75% of people have left, no one is dancing, no single groomsmen, and it's 5:30. I'm going the fuck home to drink by myself.

Fav 12 1232 7508
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

aparently i pased my english final. I don't even remember taking it.

Fav 18 7709 1657
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.

Fav 9 4559 1265
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Your excuse of not making us Mac and cheese was that you couldn't find 6 cups of water...

Fav 12 7173 1726
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Ok cool. Ill pick up liquor because, well let's be honest, we don't need an excuse anymore.

Fav 11 4702 1314
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

how are you gonna miss the world cup? other than the olympics it's our last way to assert our dominance over China after this economic bull shit

Fav 45 5687 1468
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

My last google search last night was 'vodka swimming pool'.

Fav 10 5305 1231
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

He took naked pictures of me and told me if I ever got to the Disney Channel level of fame he would help me out. I think i'm in love

Fav 12 5597 1640
share tweet
(310): View more from California

i fucked a milf yesterday.

(619): View more from California

i'm not impressed, in this generation that could technically mean a 16 year old.

Fav 28 14077 2295
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Xanax and allergy medicine look a lot alike when you spill them on the floor. Just saying that I still have allergies but I'm unsure if I still have legs

Fav 13 9193 1747
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I'm wayyy too drunk to be in a parade right now

Fav 16 5536 1386
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

Fav 20 10280 2242
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

omfg. get on facebook. the science olympiad team had a rave.

Fav 24 8865 2020
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Good thing you didnt wake up last night. Wouldve found me naked talking to my closet asking to borrow my towel.

Fav 10 7085 1438
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

Fav 27 16988 1527
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Just found a keg and a mini-bike in our garage, this couldn't possibly go wrong

Fav 9 5465 1223
share tweet
(863): View more from Florida

And then she proceeded to fling her bra around while screaming the rocket power theme song, still managing to not fall off the skateboard

Fav 22 8473 1332
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Threw up 3 times on the lawn mower and then proceeded to crash it into a tree root and break it.

Fav 15 2056 4276
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

you passed out on the bathroom floor with the door locked. we had to break in and no one was sober enough to move you so they just threw a towel on you and stepped over you

Fav 7 4305 1471
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

Fav 45 1707 8378
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

so apparently dipping a tampon in red gatorade and throwing it out the window on the highway is a $100 fine

Fav 30 3344 5376
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

the teacher just ate a hash brownie and passed out on the bus best field trip 2010'

Fav 9 6871 1325
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

Fav 26 18309 1756
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

Fav 14 8861 1310
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

you left your shoes but remembered to take your vodka. i see where your priorities are.

Fav 9 7415 1610
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

Legit screaming match in this bar over the differences between cupcakes and muffins.

Fav 39 8878 1602
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

His housemate was playing a sad violin solo for me on my way out. God I hate musicians.

Fav 13 6562 2012
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

At my internship. I get drug tested tmr at 2

(908): View more from New Jersey

Are they going to pay you for the one day you worked?

Fav 14 5694 2307
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

they're using the ping pong table for ping pong. it's weird

Fav 11 6583 1907
share tweet
(601): View more from Mississippi

High enough to fry lime slices.....tasted like shit, by the way

Fav 9 1785 3647
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Apparently I climbed into a dryer last night and refused to leave... There are pictures to prove it

Fav 16 5718 1352
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

Fav 10 3950 1203
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.

Fav 23 5623 1734
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Its trashy in the best of ways. Like a stripper working to pay for college.

Fav 9 4418 1224
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

hey..i found a takeout box with a half-eaten hamburger in it, the box said to text this number if found...

Fav 16 10264 1487
share tweet
(949): View more from California

I listened to the last 10 minutes of that 20 minute voicemail, it's solid gold. At one point he literally suggests we buy tasers and go around shooting people.

Fav 13 7350 1348
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Apparently i was peeing on things and marking my territory. I broke their light socket too. Needless to say im banned from their apartment.

Fav 10 3534 2117
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

how do i say, "my ex is going to be at this party so don't look like shit" without sounding like a bitch?

Fav 16 5384 1442
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

so all the bums hang out by my new store, they have a leader we call king bum... He got dethroned by police today for choking out a hooker. The bum heirarchy is in shambles right now.

Fav 33 13419 2006
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

he was so high that he wouldn't speak to anybody for like 30 minutes, he'd only gobble, like a turkey.

Fav 19 7103 1439
share tweet
(916): View more from California

Dude how the fuck are we gonna get the lawnmower outta the pool?

Fav 15 7066 1935
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just took my pill on time for two days in a row. I deserve a prize.

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Not having phil's child is good enough.

Fav 19 6717 1250
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

hahaha my homeschooled cousin put up graduation pictures. it's just her standing in front of her fire place. With a hand made diploma.

Fav 38 4778 7822
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You were mumbling a lot and offered me 20 dollars to leave you alone

Fav 4 4645 1238
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

I just miserably failed my own drug test. At least I know what a positive will look like when I give them to the employees tomorrow.

Fav 14 4882 1804
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I know this may seem inappropriate, but are you gonna bring any blow to the wedding?

Fav 29 5074 2554
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Listening to her yell about my drinking problem is not helping my hangover.

Fav 19 1868 5124
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

First date. He's wearing a tuxedo shirt and keeps asking me about our future children. Escape plan #3 is now in action...

Fav 13 1418 6916
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

He said he wanted to have kids with me so they could grow up to be professional linebackers. Not. A. Complient.

Fav 19 1476 6874
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

Fav 19 7614 1503
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Getting drunk now, but later remind me to tell you how to crash an 8th grade grad party.

Fav 17 4896 1382
share tweet
(714): View more from California

drunk...on the white house tour...security is staring. this will not end well.

Fav 26 8560 1834
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

after we had sex he went grocery shopping. at 6 am. i've never been more confused in my life

Fav 16 4915 1646
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

His birthday is on fathers day. I know its a cruel coincedence but this is too funny to pass up.

Fav 35 1778 4656
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I can't wait until next week, when I find out what drunk me added to the Netflix queue.

Fav 7 3931 1254
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

At the wedding. Seated next to the bar. No way this ends well

Fav 7 4277 1132
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

You then began crawling around in the grass with a magnifying class saying you were searching for the magic school bus.

Fav 15 10193 1426
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats

Fav 10 4671 1597
share tweet
(937): View more from Ohio

There is NOTHING better than watching a child being chased by an ostrich.

Fav 28 17223 1868
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

thanks for stopping by when you did. making a meatball quesadilla while high was a bad choice

Fav 7 3499 1325
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

The only way I could have failed my exam worse is if there would have been a drug test portion

Fav 12 2594 4568
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I remember her trying to talk to me a few times after we broke up and I'd always change the subject to bagels.

Fav 12 6174 1636
share tweet
(818): View more from California

apparently "my dealer got arrested" is not an acceptable answer when mom asks "What happened? You look sad today"

Fav 20 6977 2836
share tweet
(605): View more from South Dakota

I just learned you can mail a coconut. I'll be over in 3 days with the rum.

Fav 13 5277 1228
share tweet
(530): View more from California

There are huge fuckin pieces of palm tree in the road. what a road hazard. as i sit here and text you as i swerve to miss them

Fav 15 4892 1933
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

I know I hit you with my car but people express love in different ways. Everyone is different.

Fav 11 5221 1740
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

You ordered a "mcblizzard" and yelled @ the worker for false advertisement because she didn't flip your "mcblizzard" upsidedown. You wanted it free. I'd say mcdonalds daytime workers need to be trained in dealing with daytime drunks too. She didn't know what to do.

Fav 29 6851 1479
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

we banged on the home plate. i wasnt even aware of the significance of where we were until afterwards hahaha

Fav 20 7621 1234
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

mid puke you looked up at me and asked if it was your turn to sing

Fav 7 4196 1347
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I don't know where my bra went.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

Welll you ran into the street, took it off and yelled "I'm a free woman!". And then you threw it at some homeless guy.

Fav 22 8303 1420
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

Fav 33 6268 1608
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

Fav 13 7697 1429
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

How was the bike ride?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

Nope. High in the basement. Fruit cups.

Fav 21 9072 1566
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

In my junk email folder, there are literally 67 messages from Alcoholics Anonymous. What..the fuck.

Fav 7 3613 1604
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

So, remember how that one doctor said it was 1 in a million that I'd get pregnant...

(1-816): View more from Missouri

Yeeah thank god

(816): View more from Missouri

Well..welcome to parenting Mr. one in a million.

Fav 55 2544 16037
share tweet
(253): View more from Washington

The camp director doesn't care if we drink and i'm running the rifle range. Someone is going to get sued.

Fav 21 5279 1776
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

season finale of lost and an oz of weed. tonight my mind is going to be blown.

Fav 33 5006 1300
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

Fav 25 5952 1123
share tweet
(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

Fav 28 5823 1304
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

Fav 10 5241 1285
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

Fav 25 11126 1789
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Pretty sure I went to the bar in my bathing suit, sweat pants, and high heels.

Fav 10 5626 1511
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

That reminds me...we need to get swords

Fav 15 7523 1386
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

After the tests come back negative, you guys will look back on this evening with fond memories...

Fav 13 3593 1472
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah not really sure what I said but I remember "douchebag" and "fuck your own face"

(774): View more from Massachusetts

To a 70 year old lady?!

Fav 20 5367 2448
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I get drunk and say inappropriate things... you get drunk and sleep with inappropriate people. it's what we do.

Fav 13 7062 1489
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

Right now, my father is sitting on the couch, totally smashed, crying, eating pringles, and watching the credits of Transformers 2. Love him.

Fav 14 6053 1703
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

you'll never guess what i found when i got home...

(928): View more from Arizona

a cake, in the toilet

Fav 25 6046 1526
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

finally stumbled home. 4am. made it to the bathroom and threw up. the cat came in,s aw me, looked at the vom in disgust, and then threw up too. its nice to have such sympathetic pets.

Fav 21 8707 1629
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

They were like stripper heels, except business stripper heels, the kind strippers would wear to court.

Fav 10 6712 1253
share tweet
(218): View more from Minnesota

Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder

Fav 10 3809 1156
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

I say that when we get our grades back we're making a drinking game out of it.

Fav 8 4651 1189
share tweet
(806): View more from Texas

If she wasn't my friend I'd think she was a huge slut

Fav 21 5179 1439
share tweet
(262): View more from Wisconsin

There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.

(1-262): View more from Wisconsin

That's funny. Are they weird looking???

(262): View more from Wisconsin

OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.

Fav 39 9445 1835
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

All I can tell you is you will need a rain slicker for tonight's festivities. Any clothes underneath would be highly frowned upon as well.

Fav 6 4489 1115
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You tried to pay the bartender in graduation checks, I think you'll be fine in the real world.

Fav 8 3474 1113
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm trying to decide if I want to bring home my 'beer champion' trophy or my chem books.

Fav 14 4203 1079
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

my way of studying for our final tomorrow: registering online to retake the class in the fall

Fav 18 2068 4605
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i didn't know falling asleep in the tbell line could get you a dui. Isn't everyone there stoned or drunk?

Fav 25 5805 1930
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Why do I feel like that's not the first time you've drank champagne with someone dressed as a unicorn?

Fav 11 7217 1577
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

why do the even put the "Please drink responsibly" on tequila ads? like has anything responsible ever come from tequlia. No. never.

Fav 27 9370 1793
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

isnt it sad that we can reminisce about our childhood but we cant remember shit we did last month

Fav 10 5923 1429
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just finished my law exam. Questions 4-18 seemed to pertain specifically to things we've done this semester.

Fav 4 6454 1344
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized last night I drunk-bought a flight to Florida for this weekend...kinda torn between the price and the potential of awesomeness

Fav 21 6037 1176
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm still amazed at how you managed to puke in every plant on the whole top floor at the mall without a single person noticing and without missing a step.

Fav 14 5365 1529
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

dude, i have to cancel tonight, my neighbor just bought a goat

Fav 56 16525 2167
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

I'm at taco bell and they have a hiring sign asking "do you like to melt things?" clearly they only want the ambitious.

Fav 8 5842 1368
share tweet
(562): View more from California

not only did i soak my thesis by spilling celebratory shots on it, but i also stained it with lipstick making it obvious i tried to drink the vodka off it......dgaf, worth it.

Fav 24 4534 1453
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Smoking bowl and applying to community college. I now know how I got here.

Fav 10 1839 3620
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

You stuck your head out the window to puke and got hit with a mailbox.

Fav 42 9034 5323
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

My mom seriously just told me my insurance company pays for rehab. In an email. I expect a real, not just us joking, intervention coming on. I'm not accepting a "lunch date" with that bitch.

Fav 15 1570 4596
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

Way too hungover to be taking this many family pictures

Fav 6 3272 1771
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up face down in my kitchen covered in cheetos. my mom just stepped over me to get to the coffee maker. hello summer

Fav 25 6898 1602
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

Wow, haven't had to deal with the 'stoned at the dinner table' scenario in a while

Fav 15 4938 1536
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

Fav 17 7697 1500
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

Technically this isn't a church so we could have been drinking this whole time.

Fav 7 3522 1235
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,

Fav 11 4826 1480
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

i should have probably stopped drinking when my beer pong shots were hitting the other team in the face..

(1-317): View more from Indiana

yeah thats usually a good indication.

Fav 6 5619 1455
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

Fav 10 6582 1755
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Nothing says true friendship like 2 people bonding over potentially having AIDS.

Fav 47 1179 9896
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

boyfriend # 1 is in the bathroom and boyfriend # 2 is ringing the doorbell need back up this is not a drill i repeat this is not a drill

Fav 148 3969 12928
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

chinese tourists just took a picture of me....im pretty sure i heard the bus drive say something about shame.

Fav 6 4281 1410
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Sorry about last night..I didnt realize how drunk you were and when I closed the door it caused you to slam into the mirror...you'll probably piece together the puzzle when you read this and see your hand.

Fav 7 1213 4010
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

oh yeah I know that guy. he's legit. slept in my closet a few times

Fav 12 6849 1285
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

Haha im Trying. This detox stuff tastes nasty. It's bad when the only thing that came to mind when i took the first sip was how good it would be with Vodka

Fav 9 1450 4057
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I think forcing your little sister to drink with you on a Wednesday when she has school the next day is the low point of alcoholism.

Fav 20 1711 5700
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

Grape juice and vodka is NOT wine.

Fav 25 7102 2099
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I miss being able to drink at 11am just cause it was sunny outside.

Fav 8 5141 1181
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

You going out tonight?

(318): View more from Louisiana

No I am at the hospital. Throwing up blood is apparently frowned upon.

Fav 18 1559 6717
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

This is worse than the time I broke into Subway to steal bread.

Fav 33 6480 2290
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you kept say ridiculous things then repeating them in perfect classical latin. You are onee intelligent drunk

Fav 28 10783 1428
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw at least a dozen senior citizens on roller blades. way to drunk for this.

Fav 6 5286 1318
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Don't take this the wrong way but I just mistook a trash can for you

Fav 21 5408 1988
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I like how washing the beer bong is now a regular part of washing the dishes.

Fav 4 4580 1133
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

It feels like Jesus smacked me in the face with the new testament for drinking so much last night

Fav 19 4328 1593
share tweet
(239): View more from Florida

I just realized this is gonna be the last time that I'm high in my childhood home. I'm kinda sad. I'm really high..

Fav 19 5456 1480
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

Fav 9 5335 1289
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

I'm drinking keystone with a homeless man I found. It's making me feel uncomfortable.

Fav 14 1436 4146
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

You were running around with scissors offering people free haircuts.

Fav 14 4746 1607
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

The cops just drove by on their loudspeaker going DO NOT DRINK THE WATAHH

(781): View more from Massachusetts

I love boston

Fav 37 9028 1510
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just took a final in the room where I lost my virginity. I think it was god luck.

Fav 11 7306 1156
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

Fav 17 6071 1596
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.

Fav 13 6735 1489
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how are pickles made is in the google history again... why do you always wonder that, and forget the answer?

Fav 20 6955 1412
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

Just stole a pregnancy test from Wegmans because I didn't want to pay 13 dollars to find out my life is over.

Fav 40 1951 7710
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

so i just calculated it and i would need to score 150% on this final to pass

Fav 21 1699 8573
share tweet
(903): View more from Texas

Just got back from my 9:00 am class to find my roommate soaking her lifesaver gummies in vodka so she can have them for a snack in class later.

Fav 14 7637 1410
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

i realized our last day of finals is on cinco de mayo....it's god's way of saying drink ridiculous amounts of tequila and wear sombreros

Fav 8 5345 1165
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Its alot easier to hide alcohol when your wearing a toga..

(256): View more from Alabama

everythings easier when your wearing a toga.

Fav 22 7648 1366
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

I was arrested last night for attempting to flee and elude. I wasn't really trying to run from the police. I was drunk and lost in the woods. I thought it was pretty obvious when I was waving at them from my puddle of puke that I wasn't really hiding.

Fav 12 1675 5184
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just woke up. My philosophy paper is a play, and my paper for musical theater is about physics. That's some dank shit you sold me

Fav 22 7141 1728
share tweet
(818): View more from California

my mom just emptied my water bottle filled with vodka into the turtle tank.

Fav 51 3349 13004
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i looked up his schedule, waited outside his classroom, and handed him the receipt for plan b

Fav 47 2667 6715
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I'm looking at pot farms on google earth. Google should be proud I found a real purpose for it to serve.

Fav 75 5153 1445
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we literally spent four hours convincing you that all 5 of your toes were there. no more everclear on a tuesday.

Fav 14 4917 1527
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I dont know why people are racist. Both the mexicans and the irish gave us holidays where everyone drinks on a wednesday.

Fav 42 12099 1498
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

You tipped the bathroom lady $20 and then yelled "IT'S YOUR LUCKY DAAAAAAAY" at her.

Fav 11 5806 1462
share tweet
(339): View more from Massachusetts

I just realized I used lady gaga lyrics in my research paper on marie antoinette

Fav 22 6365 1861
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

the choice between paying your electricity bill and getting herpes medicine is a tough one.

Fav 24 1297 8106
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

this study room smells like vodka

(310): View more from California

the study room thinks the same about you

Fav 16 6685 1406
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

She looked like a pterodactyl.....but dude i love dinosaurs

Fav 26 6802 1885
share tweet
(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Is sexting at a funeral morally wrong?

Fav 44 2752 6922
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

If we were unicorns we would fly together. Like in a pack. A pack of flying unicorns.

Fav 56 14264 1988
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

Fav 30 10804 2116
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

Fav 56 7376 2495
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

you just kept swimming in circles and whenever someone would try and coax you out you would scream "i CANNOT drown, my brother is the supervisor of a water park!!

Fav 9 6601 1429
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Because ur a stupid bitch

(1-845): View more from New York

Actually, I'm graduating from college on Saturday so that makes me a well educated bitch.

Fav 54 11923 1660
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

Clothes are such an inconvenience.

Fav 22 8800 1373
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

Just an fyi, teatherball while wasted might be the hardest sport ever.

Fav 15 5295 1315
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

yeah, you were trying to hump the doorman.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

when did we get a doorman?

(203): View more from Connecticut

we were also in the wrong building...

Fav 15 7332 1434
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You drunk dialed me talking about the stages of mitosis. There is no way you didn't ace your bio final

Fav 18 10502 1288
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

And for your info. Don't pee outside with glow sticks. People will still see you.

Fav 7 4172 1380
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I find it ironic that im starting my birth control on mothers day.

Fav 22 6053 1222
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

My mother's day gift to my mother is to promise never to tell her 95% of the stories I've accumulated in my life.

Fav 10 5428 1185
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

i think im the only person who makes thank you cards for their drug dealer

Fav 16 5873 1290
share tweet
(302): View more from Delaware

I could swear I did coke with Jesus last night

Fav 24 7064 2271
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

my brother is about to go smoke a joint outside... he's preparing his munchies on the counter beforehand. I admire his responsibility.

Fav 17 8909 1259
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

Pretty sure that this text will cost me like $5 but just wanted you to know that I just smoked a bowl of kush, about to walk around shopping for hookers and i get 3 credit hours for this study abroad .... have fun studying for finals.

Fav 22 8824 1485
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

Does puking on your bio final mean I can retake it?

Fav 14 1206 4449
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Dude. I have been looking at your movie history on netflix and it is like looking at the rings of a tree. Only instead of telling me how old you are, it tells me when you were stoned.

Fav 14 5737 1176
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

They're making scrambled eggs at 2 in the morning... with rum

Fav 10 4492 1444
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar

Fav 13 4318 1311
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

While drunk it seemed like a good idea to barricade my roommate in his room with everything that we could move in our apartment, waking up to him screaming from it collapsing on top of him was just an added bonus.

Fav 16 5921 1538
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

that's the last time we turn jepordy into a drinking game.

Fav 15 4679 1400
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Just transferred the sun chips from that obnoxious Eco-friendly bag into a zip lock. Fuck the environment, that bag is loud.

Fav 96 13846 2782
share tweet
(949): View more from California

Just hide your weed in your baby brothers shirt. TSA wont check a baby, thats fucked up

Fav 20 2598 4897
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

Fav 14 4916 1662
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.

Fav 19 1344 4797
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

we need a dd. For wednesday. At lunch. What are we doing with our lives?

(910): View more from North Carolina

succeeding

Fav 10 5586 1403
share tweet
(865): View more from Tennessee

I just smoked a bowl in the dining room and am now drinking a glass of chocolate milk. i can't believe i'm getting paid for this.

Fav 15 5550 1164
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I just found out I was conceived in a rehab facility... that's better than finding out your dad could be someone else right?

Fav 13 1356 4070
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Her breakfeast in bed consisted of half a pop tart that I didn't want, and water that I slipped birth control into... Who says chivalry is dead?

Fav 29 2635 5115
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

She started crying while we were cooking shrimp because 'Under the Sea" came on Pandora

Fav 19 5034 2131
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

Fav 23 5436 2194
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

Fav 12 10081 1549
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

the way i see it him paying 500 bucks for my fake abortion is karma's way of punishing him for cheating on his wife

Fav 67 8356 2639
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Hey I never found my wallet but i did find a bag of 14 soft taco supremes

(1-352): View more from Florida

I have your wallet. Trade you for the tacos.

Fav 13 8242 1408
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace

Fav 11 1865 4803
share tweet
(231): View more from Michigan

i can barely afford taco bell don't think a baby is in the budget

Fav 15 1383 6004
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

Come downstairs. Moms serving wine for breakfast again.

Fav 18 7785 1470
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

On a scale of 1 to last weekend, how hungover are you?

Fav 13 5732 1259
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

You coming out tonight? We gotta hang out before I move to Madison. BTW I'm moving to Madison.

Fav 23 2054 5131
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.

Fav 10 4276 1849
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

We're exchanging pot brownie recipes in my substance abuse class. This is going to be an awesome 7 weeks.

Fav 14 5167 1303
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

I wrote and sealed my mom's mothers day card last night while intoxicated.. should i put it in the maibox

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

without a question

Fav 10 4533 1263
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

If I could have all the money back from the pregnancy test i've bought- I could buy myself a vacation.

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

Or a large amount of condoms?!?

Fav 12 6741 1452
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

My mom's mothers day present consisted of a card, chocolate and the rose bush I threw up in as I was getting in last night. She loved it.

Fav 3 3487 1231
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

giving a 30 min presentation still drunk is like giving birth, upside down in a pit of snakes while being on fire.

Fav 12 1764 5581
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So apparently when I was 2, I went around drinking everybody's beer at some wedding, then passed out in a corner....

(732): View more from New Jersey

This explains a lot.

Fav 24 9176 1548
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

his tattoo said carpe diem which i thought was ironic considering his epilepsy

Fav 51 8768 2029
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

found your viking helmet in the parking lot this morning, its missing a horn. There was still liquor in the remaining horn. shots from a viking helmet should be mandatory.

Fav 13 4849 1161
share tweet
(250): View more from British Columbia

A few things for you to consider: 1. Drunk enough that I'm looking up the dictionary definition of Wish. 2. Dictionary.com has new features. 3. Windows is offering me 500 business cards for 5 bucks. 4. I've always wanted a card that says I'm a ninja

Fav 30 7870 1630
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

somehow we got the entire party to start singing "ill make a man out of you" from mulan. needless to say, that kid had the best keg stand i'd ever seen.

Fav 17 9433 1451
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had one of those moments where i was really sad that i'll never get to be asian.

Fav 49 5593 2255
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

She's making her own pesto again. Cooking spaghetti in the microwave and "frying" vegetables in the toaster oven. All this while wearing the yellow rubber gloves and saying that the pesto has feelings like a real person. Im terrified.

Fav 14 1838 5901
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

I'll just wear something slutty to the liquor store and hope for the best

(1-773): View more from Illinois

that's your solution for everything

Fav 36 7573 1692
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

..and then spiked the maple syrup at iHop

Fav 21 6802 1380
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.

Fav 8 4192 1347
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

You found Muppets From Space a little too intense, so you just sorta sat on the ground and stared at the wall plug for an hour and a half.

Fav 13 6880 1592
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saw a baby with a T-shirt that read "I am the result of my mother forgetting to take her magic pills". I can't believe they make shit like that.

Fav 39 3787 5919
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

i'm 67% sure he was trying to sing in hawaiian

Fav 5 3890 1435
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

So, I just sold my textbook to have money for Plan B.

Fav 28 1534 6265
share tweet
(306): View more from Saskatchewan

No joke. Last we saw of him he was naked and dragging that stupid goat into the bushes.

Fav 23 6012 3698
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just learned in bio that our sole purpose for life is to have sex.. so your high number is acceptable. its actually lacking.

Fav 22 5750 1244
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i'm in workout clothes. this is progress.

Fav 22 4152 1223
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

Just had a drunken guest at my hotel threaten to "throw a fuckin fireball at my face"

Fav 54 11251 2127
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

Fav 35 7068 1669
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

I convinced a girl to do a shot of salsa someone fell through the whole on the porch and Sara swallowed a beer tab

Fav 24 5693 1771
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I just found out that AAA will pick you up if you're drunk for free if you're a member. How did I not know about this?

Fav 37 13977 1462
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Matt just took me to visit my puke stain from 2 weeks ago at the train station...I'm fucking impressive

Fav 13 4804 1593
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

People are suprisingly accepting of someone doing a walk of shame in a toga...

Fav 12 5720 1109
share tweet
(626): View more from California

Just found out its our ciliated mucous membrane that traps the molly when we snort it. Biology does relate to life

Fav 16 3672 1511
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

last night i found out that my 11 year old cousin used me as an example of what not to do in her D.A.R.E. speech. awesome.

Fav 32 9287 2093
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm out of vodka and money. My semester is officially over. The way I see it, my finals are just forms I need to fill out in order to leave campus.

Fav 17 7996 1564
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

For the record I fully support drunken you in most social situations... Just not charity events.

Fav 11 4553 1630
share tweet
(619): View more from California

There's a girl at 7-11 apologizing for her behavior and asking if she can get her shoes back.

Fav 27 7222 1416
share tweet
(408): View more from California

I just made easy mac in my blender. Beat that.

Fav 20 3699 2016
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

his receeding hairline makes running into him so much less awkward. almost enjoyable actualy

Fav 12 4088 1199
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

his penis was the training wheels of my sex life

Fav 16 5013 1546
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

Fav 36 9751 1527
share tweet
(405): View more from Oklahoma

i wish there was a photo editing effect that fully opened my drunk eyes

Fav 10 5849 1433
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

Well he paid for dinner, so I paid for the Plan B, but the parking ticket I got is totally his responsibility.

Fav 39 1769 4700
share tweet
(337): View more from Louisiana

Some creeps at the festival started talking to me, so I told them I was going change my tampon. Worked like a charm.

Fav 39 7824 1478
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Of course he got arrested. He was wearing a toga. Even Tom Hanks couldn't act sober in a toga.

Fav 13 5247 1248
share tweet
(619): View more from California

Is there a zoo near here? I need to see some penguins like right now..

(1-619): View more from California

I am not bailing you of of jail

Fav 19 6752 1631
share tweet
(510): View more from California

i just entered cocaine into my calorie counter.

Fav 33 2291 5852
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

Made a joint out of my Yale rejection letter. Life is grand.

Fav 44 16367 2072
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he saved a turtle in the middle of the road.. i told him id be over in ten minutes...i mean he deserves a bj after that.

Fav 23 7711 1339
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Someone in my history class just FB messaged me saying they highly suggest I put my sunglasses on. He is sitting 18 rows in front of me...

Fav 13 8459 1599
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

Fav 18 10393 1269
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

Fav 25 16039 1837
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it only took me 1 hour to write 8 pages. i'm never doing school work without adderall ever again.

Fav 30 6732 1419
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

Fav 12 8208 1207
share tweet
(202): View more from Washington, DC

I forgot it was 4/20. that COMPLETELY explains the 7/11. i was like "that's a lot of white dudes... and they're really into snacking."

Fav 17 8268 1527
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we couldnt tell if he was gay so we started working glee quotes into the conversation to see if he noticed.

Fav 26 11655 1540
share tweet
(843): View more from South Carolina

the girl next to me in class is drinking a margarita out of a slurpee cup. i know your going to ask how i know its a margarita and the answer is i can smell the tequila. i never want to leave this place

Fav 16 6160 1157
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Julian told me all the fish in his pond died and he didn't know when or how. I didn't have the heart to tell him he drunkenly peed in the pond on Saturday as everyone cheered him on.

Fav 16 1585 5579
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

I had to sleep with my math professor to pass algebra. Apparently my blowjobs are only C+ quality

Fav 73 1810 13286
share tweet
(707): View more from California

I just made my bed perfectly before realizing that I'll be too drunk to appreciate it tonight

Fav 11 4434 1198
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

I woke up on a raft in a bath tub filled with beer. excellent night.

Fav 25 10845 1465
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You couldn't find any paper towel to clean up the wine you spilled, so you tried to use her cat.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

ooh i remember now. Not very absorbent.

Fav 17 13202 2112
share tweet
(701): View more from North Dakota

There are some college kids out at 4 in the morning dragging each other on a sled behind a bike. its too entertaining to call the cops

Fav 29 8384 1220
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.

Fav 9 5186 1186
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

how convenient is it that the kid i'm fucking lives right next to planned parenthood?

Fav 22 4407 2189
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

mom and dad are leaving for florida on 4/20, this is a sign

Fav 29 5974 1237
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions

Fav 12 5909 1309
share tweet
(310): View more from California

So how do we make 4/20 better than every other day we are stoned?

Fav 15 5503 1375
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

making an appointment with student health services to check out my pinkeye on 4/20. they are going to thing this is such a joke

Fav 9 5103 1314
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

Wake and baked to watch the boston marathon. God I love massachusetts

Fav 15 4103 1356
share tweet
(+31): View more from The Netherlands

No flights in Europe due to the volcano erupting. God himself is telling me to spend 4.20 in Amsterdam.

Fav 23 12016 1275
share tweet
(786): View more from Florida

He said finals are more important than getting stoned on 4/20. I'm proud in a disappointing kinda way

Fav 26 6012 1871
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i just realized i put more money and effort into 420 then i did for christmas

Fav 56 5279 1847
share tweet
(616): View more from Michigan

this is like black Friday for my dealer. I'm literally standing in line.

Fav 12 5939 1378
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

Fav 19 6070 1283
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just want you to know that if I ever had to fight man eating flowers or flying turtles to save my friends they'd be fucked. No one's worth all that bullshit. PS I really need to stop playing Wii while drunk.

Fav 12 5081 1443
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I got 70 on my final, or put differently, I got a "still graduating" on my final.

Fav 9 5771 1358
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"

Fav 5 4428 1302
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Fact: my bamboo plant has grown 2 & 1/2 inches since I started watering it with bong water

Fav 24 7191 1299
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

He said I was the smartest girl he had ever dated, that should have been a sign from the beginning

Fav 6 1253 4457
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Do you think I can haggle my way to discounted weed on 4.21?

Fav 6 4314 1229
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

The guy in the library beside me just whipped out an entire loaf of bread, a knife and a container of peanut butter and is proceeding to make multiple sandwiches.

Fav 30 10296 1470
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

Dude you can't like a status about me getting hit by a car

Fav 38 9515 2395
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Word to the wise: do not smoke before going grocery shopping with only 12 bucks. So stressful.

Fav 15 2650 5089
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

her name was charlotte except you kept calling her chatroulette and yelling at her to show you her boobs

Fav 20 12000 1793
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

I had a dream last night that I had sex with Abe Lincoln. I must stop watching the History Channel before I go to bed.

Fav 28 5433 2341
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

you woke up and yelled "the tv is moving" and fell on the floor and passed back out

Fav 20 6192 1461
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

On the quad today: An amish choir singing something weird, and not 30 feet away 3 girls tanning topless. Definition of diversity.

Fav 24 7687 1318
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we ate a 40 pack of string cheese and watched an entire washing machine cycle.

Fav 33 8507 1788
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

you told the bartender not to open the bottle because you were gonna put it in your purse in case you get cut off later

Fav 9 6683 1324
share tweet
(409): View more from Texas

well he's currently spooning the coffee table

Fav 6 4461 1603
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

you rearended a car with your bike and then puked all over his back windshield. They made BUI's for you.

Fav 12 2712 3769
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

The stoners next door have their couch on the sidewalk again, shirtless, soaking their feet in a baby pool and listening to loud ukulele music. I want their life.

Fav 37 16061 1749
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

Fav 16 2652 6117
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

NEWS FLASH: A bottle of wine can fit into a taco bell cup.

Fav 20 7074 1543
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

It's almost summer. We need to start reconnecting with our home drug dealers.

Fav 18 5341 1508
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Just got done reading an 11 page essay for class. Took me three fucking days and the only thing I have highlighted is the name "Alexander Cockburn"

Fav 19 5998 1585
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

My new apartment is within walking distance of both the liquor store and the chinese buffet. This is either going to be my worst life choice ever or my best.

Fav 32 6740 1188
share tweet
(+47): View more from Norway

I can blatently call girls sluts here and they think i'm speaking norwegian

Fav 21 5482 1342
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

I woke up this morning and saw that I had transferred $0.75 from my savings account to my checking account.

Fav 21 6720 1552
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

He's either a really good actor or an actual prince, I'm fine with both so I'll sleep with him.

Fav 14 6060 1111
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I had forgotten what it was like to go to all four classes. It's exhausting.

Fav 14 6247 1717
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

All semester I have been trying to figure out if this kid in front of me is gay. His cell phone just went off with Britney's "Circus". Case closed.

Fav 22 7664 1537
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you kept running around the room with a flask shouting "so much room for activities!" then someone tripped you and you passed out

Fav 42 11447 1728
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Have you ever made a sandwich from swedish fish and tortilla chips?

Fav 19 3577 3744
share tweet
(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

Fav 14 7862 1440
share tweet
(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

Fav 18 13371 1544
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

okay so i know you are missing your wallet but at least its not your tooth. i am missing my tooth.

Fav 26 1976 7973
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

i dont even know how to be here

Fav 34 5918 1909
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

they're making a venn diagram comparing gummi bears against gummi worms...is this what i have to sit thru to get free weed????

Fav 39 6720 1954
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

Fav 68 4280 11959
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

i was the DD for the swedish students tonight. Got paid 23 dollars for driving 10 miles. gotta love ignorance and the confusion conversion brings.

Fav 7 4373 1086
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

I'm watching this guy on intervention hospitalized for liver damage. He's drinking the hand sanitizer in the hospital room. Say hello to your future.

Fav 31 2035 6922
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

i'm drinking with a bunch of phds, i feel very stupid but good about my drinking abilities

Fav 7 5803 1279
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Its really not funny anymore. I need to stop shaving while i'm drunk

Fav 18 1318 4969
share tweet
(774): View more from Massachusetts

im vomiting on the 4th floor cause no one knows me there

Fav 8 5107 1316
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

after last nights cooking expirments i have lost all faith in the fire alarm battery

Fav 9 3502 2059
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

apparently, i ordered a pogo stick last night. i can't even be mad about that.

Fav 13 8091 1407
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

I dont think that drinking by ourselves on a saturday night counts as being "fun alcoholics"

Fav 6 1360 4161
share tweet
(559): View more from California

Apparently the library doesn't care about celebrating the day Jesus became a zombie.

Fav 35 5255 2234
share tweet
(906): View more from Michigan

Peed in a church parking lot last night. As if Jesus didnt hate me enough already.

Fav 12 3987 2026
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I wish guys would just cum water 'cause you don't have to worry about being pregnant and it'd be like a squirt gun fight

Fav 50 13557 1912
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

I think we should make Neil Patrick Harris a permanent part of our role playing.

Fav 17 6220 1634
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

He won't talk to me. He'll only communicate using scissors

Fav 8 5840 2296
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

Fav 436 57258 7322
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

Registered for next semester classes drunk. Let's hope I didn't accidently sign up for history of dinosaurs again...

Fav 13 7845 1426
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

I just saw someone marching around outside wearing only a loincloth, dragging a fuckton of sheet metal. Spring has Sprung.

Fav 18 5430 1230
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

Fav 48 1596 7629
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

why is there a handicap sign in the bathtub and an exit sign in the kitchen?

(713): View more from Texas

lets deal with that after we figure out where i am

Fav 21 11547 1662
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

Fav 10 6240 1267
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

We're upstairs smoking....the password is pineapple

Fav 19 10425 1409
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

just because you are in college doesnt mean its okay to pregame easter mass.

Fav 10 5092 1596
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

Fav 31 10060 1478
share tweet
(310): View more from California

You were plastered and wouldn't stop telling this hot girl about your plan to graffiti a church in easter colored spray-paint saying that Jesus was a Zombie... she kept saying her father was a pastor...

Fav 9 2375 6139
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

So Easter dinner for me was at 4:40 this morning where i made Bagel Bites and had a glass of Chardonnay

Fav 11 5020 1690
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

What's the protocol for seeing the two girls you've been sleeping with in the store WHILE buying condoms?

(503): View more from Oregon

3some

(541): View more from Oregon

You're right, stupid question.

Fav 21 10794 1615
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I looked at the bar tab this morning. The bartender added a $25 'customer asshole fee'. I have no grounds to dispute it.

Fav 13 10098 2199
share tweet
(319): View more from Iowa

On a scale of "impaired judgement" to "Mel Gibson," how drunk are you?

(316): View more from Kansas

Toaster

Fav 48 26746 2046
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

Fav 32 6669 1997
share tweet
(650): View more from California

Fell asleep in bio again. Sometimes i feel like college is just one really expensive nap.

Fav 26 7079 1335
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

Playing the biology drinking game in my 8am. Drink everytime he says species or organism. I love st. Patricks day

Fav 4 3825 979
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

And by the way, how is me getting head even remotely comparable to you fucking 3 guys?

Fav 33 1270 6134
share tweet
(269): View more from Michigan

I hope my theory books are in my locker, but if not, I guess I can always share with you.

(616): View more from Michigan

Who said I want to share with you?

(269): View more from Michigan

You've sucked my dick, I'm pretty sure you don't care if I look at your theory book.

Fav 40 7152 1404
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

at the gym hungover with vodka in a water bottle. don't say i'm not fulfilling my resolutions

Fav 20 4949 1090
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Got home from the bar at 4am. 100% sober, unlaid. Epic fail or responsible behavior?

(773): View more from Illinois

Responsible fail?

Fav 19 1742 5713
share tweet
(661): View more from California

is it weird that i feel like i won the break up because my status change got two comments and his got zero?

Fav 31 6425 1325
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

mom and dad sent me an easter basket full of beer pong supplies again.

Fav 31 14210 1545
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

no sex. but he left me weed, so almost as good.

Fav 23 6066 1440
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

Fav 25 4941 1944
share tweet
(785): View more from Kansas

turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high

Fav 20 1689 5471
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

she was screaming in french about how classy it was to be drinking wine. oh... she was drinking it out of the bottle. with a beer in her other hand while throwing up.

Fav 24 4265 1288
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.

Fav 9 4371 743
share tweet
(907): View more from Alaska

Just bought plan B with a coupon. Told the pharmacist I like to keep it classy.

(1-907): View more from Alaska

Every day you talk to me ... I literally love you more..

Fav 45 7828 1206
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm buying a chandelier at walmart. WHO'S CLASSY NOW, BITCHES.

Fav 38 8361 1415
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Im going to bring a boy home tonight, and not tell him that I have my period. So when he tries to fuck me, I say no, and look really classy. Then he thinks I'm marriage material. So I give him head.

Fav 114 9081 1580
share tweet
(316): View more from Kansas

I got so drunk I pissed the bed last night. He still likes me. He's a keeper

(785): View more from Kansas

He is a keeper. You on the other hand are not.

Fav 32 3729 1398
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

Fav 18 6186 992
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

Arguably, the best part was cockblocking those squirrels.

Fav 13 7530 1546
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

my cabbie only has one arm...this can't be safe

Fav 10 1812 4695
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Lets get really high and only speak Spanish to each other again tonight

Fav 30 6482 1043
share tweet
(559): View more from California

you puked in the cab and all over yourself and tried to convince the cabby it was there already when he got upset... then you puked again. not too convincing are you

Fav 17 1310 4325
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

Fav 10 5113 864
share tweet
(325): View more from Texas

wtf he couldnt undo my bra, i asked him if it was his first time and he said "with a girl? yeah"

Fav 100 8305 61690
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I woke up this morning to the buzzer on my oven going off... I cooked fish sticks at 425 degrees for 5 hours last night. my house smells awesome

Fav 30 3132 6809
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

when i asked what day 420 fell on this year, she answered so quickly i knew i found my soulmate.

Fav 32 7161 1419
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

Fav 11 1433 5543
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Drunken horseback riding is the absolute worst decision i've ever made in my life.

Fav 18 1766 5945
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

my dealer just handed me my weed in a pink easter egg

Fav 65 19223 1733
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

Fav 6 1406 5095
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

I'm hiding behind a bush in mens clothing next to a ducks crossing sign. There are joggers. Please hurry.

Fav 9 6525 1720
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

Now we are really drunk and her 17 yr old cousin is shitfaced. He may or may not have proposed a toast to octopuses and double fisting. And we just drank to Mexico.

Fav 13 5940 1421
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im really high right now and the vending machine is broken and giving out free candy. Please kill me, my life will never get better than this

Fav 29 17913 1675
share tweet
(705): View more from Ontario

Hashbrowns don't come out your nose as easily as you would think

Fav 9 1489 5646
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

i can't tell if you're serious or not, but 420 is gonna be pirate themed

Fav 7 4927 1227
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

A horse told me not to drive home last night. I think there was a cop on top of it.

Fav 31 20934 1954
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just found my DARE notebook from 6th grade. Extacy was starred and highlighted.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least I've made one childhood dream come true

Fav 25 5827 1545
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

My drug dealer asked me out. What's the protocal for this?

Fav 44 5084 2590
share tweet
(714): View more from California

Sometimes I worry for your future but then I remember how big your boobs are.

Fav 21 7924 1611
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

Fav 11 1807 6863
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

halfway through eating me out he goes 'oh that reminds me i have to buy fish for good friday'

Fav 62 2907 25016
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

we usually just have an Easter beer hunt and never end up at church anyways

Fav 6 4499 1459
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

He showed up to the Seder drunk and tried to convince everyone that he could read Hebrew.

Fav 7 4432 1335
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

Eric and I got kicked off of karaoke last night. Apparently, singing about masturbation to the tune of "A Whole New World" is not appropriate and definitely frowned upon by the DJ.

Fav 14 6887 1608
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

we were all standing in the kitchen taking shots and we look over at you and your face is in the plate of spaghetti you were eating.

Fav 13 6994 1710
share tweet
(715): View more from Wisconsin

We'll cross that bridge when we come to it... Or burn it. Either way we'll deal with it later

Fav 11 5376 1483
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

I knew we should have skipped class earlier, my lab partner is drunk from last night and making up his own experiments.

Fav 8 6360 1484
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

It's kind of sad that your greatest accomplishment today is that you stood up and didn't fall down.

Fav 7 6213 2422
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

aaaannd alcoholism beats pride. it's like grown-up rock, paper, scissors

Fav 15 5637 2247
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

Fav 20 10921 1640
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

you kept shouting how the only tree you would hump is an elm tree because they're under populated

Fav 11 6224 1301
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

ARE YOU ALIVE? usually when i say lets start drinking at inappropriate times you come right over. im worried

Fav 7 7034 1480
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

Just found out I slapped a vegan in the face with meat last night.

Fav 69 28897 3778
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

Fav 23 10169 1407
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

part of it is the fact that im problem drinking, and the other part is my OCD wont let me leave the bottle half-empty.

Fav 7 6449 1649
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

this guy is so high, he just ate half of a frozen blueberry muffin and half of a frozen poppyseed muffin, then proceeded to make a "hybrid poppyberry muffin"

Fav 16 8176 1433
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

So, you didn't have time to come pick me up but you did have time to get plastered and then write "champagne money" on every one of my statuses for the past month?

Fav 6 1955 4086
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

You know, it's scary to think that someday I might buy a pregnancy test with pride, not at 2am...

Fav 16 1524 5605
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I got my parents high. They've been watching spongebob for six hours. You cannot tell me I'm not the favorite

Fav 45 19952 1707
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

We were just about to get down to business and shes like oh the olympics! and jumped up and turned on the tv. cockblocked by freestyle skiing. seriously?

(1-845): View more from New York

Who won mens moguls?

(845): View more from New York

That canadian guy... bilodeau... but you're missing the point, dude.

Fav 63 7074 2586
share tweet
(901): View more from Tennessee

I reached in my backpack to pull out my laptop. I found my bottle of Jack and 2 bottles of Coke. It's going to be a good class.

Fav 31 7075 999
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

You said you didn't deserve to walk so you started crawling down to your room

Fav 12 4668 1370
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I wish i could call my weed and hear it ring. That's how i found my phone.

Fav 24 5810 1482
share tweet
(858): View more from California

I drank 13 shots. Which is unlucky. Which is why i threw up.

(619): View more from California

you threw up because you drank 13 SHOTS

Fav 22 7107 1687
share tweet
(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

Fav 29 7421 3065
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

Fav 18 6411 1398
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

we put the last xanax in the middle and played hungry hungry hippos to see whod get it

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

fair is fair

Fav 21 6456 1433
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

Only you could manage to look like a complete slut while wearing a turtle neck.

Fav 16 7685 1514
share tweet
(281): View more from Texas

Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.

Fav 11 8118 1669
share tweet
(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

Fav 23 7696 1516
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

There are babies in the room i shouldnt be high with babies in the room.

Fav 17 2526 5414
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

sweetheart all i remember is you throwing up and saying "i thought things would be better now that barack obama is president"

Fav 21 7105 1841
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Well, you're either very drunk or very high but I'll let it slide because I love any type of conversation concerning cheese.

Fav 10 7583 1291
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I didnt realize til after I got out of her apartment and into the lobby that we lived in the same building.

Fav 12 9942 1892
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

you left a note on your car that said " please dont tow, im to drunk to drive. safety first!"

Fav 37 19432 1705
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you started texting yourself and saying they were "divine messages from heaven" then you threw up on stacie's piano.

Fav 6 2685 3610
share tweet
(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

Fav 17 10942 1587
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I made a mac n' cheesicle. Better in my head than in real life. Gonna keep smoking to see if it gets better.

Fav 6 2169 3526
share tweet
(713): View more from Texas

If your pregnant with his baby maybe we can start getting weed for free.

Fav 25 1762 4803
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just found out me and my parents buy from the same drug dealer.

(404): View more from Georgia

you should get a family discount.

Fav 33 11339 1794
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.

Fav 8 7217 1146
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.

Fav 28 13864 2497
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

The smiley face on that pregnancy test is so damn taunting. It's like it's laughing at me for my poor choices.

Fav 22 1747 7790
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the pharmacist hit on me as i picked up my herpes medecine. i think we found a winner.

Fav 19 5699 2560
share tweet
(828): View more from North Carolina

Question: Is it too early to claim April Fools on the text "can we do some lines before the concert" that I accidentally sent Mom?

Fav 26 1711 8233
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

I just looked at the maps icon on my IPhone and "eR" was typed in the search address bar. I wonder if we ever got there.

Fav 7 4251 1446
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

Fav 17 8915 1552
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

this is the second time this summer that a girl has called me a ken dol

(1-204): View more from Manitoba

you shouldn't let them see you without your pants on

Fav 10 1330 4125
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

Just applied online. Cant stop hiccupping. May be drunk. Hope they liked my smiley faces.

Fav 11 3845 1213
share tweet
(515): View more from Iowa

I wish facebook had a fuck off button.

Fav 34 11018 1341
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

Fav 15 4412 914
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a homeless guy with a sign that said "Family abducted by aliens. Need money for ransom" and on the back of the sign it said "And it's only $.88"

Fav 58 5141 1016
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You know that hot fire fighter I fucked yesterday? Well him and two other guys are killing the fire on my stove. Awkward.

Fav 15 8082 1601
share tweet
(712): View more from Iowa

I'm to the point in my high that every song eventually turns into Lady Gaga

Fav 10 4942 1639
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

Fav 55 12487 1499
share tweet
(805): View more from California

woke up to an unread text message i sent to myself: "brreakfdast..pork and ice cream."

Fav 11 4822 1291
share tweet
(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

Fav 209 64412 3036
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

At least a dozen asian tourists will be showing their friends pictures of me peeing off of Hoover Dam with a cop pointing his gun at me when they get home. I worry about the impact on their children.

Fav 24 8473 1577
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

Got one of only two perfect scores in the class on the quiz I took drunk. This is not a good thing for me to have learned about myself.

Fav 6 6004 1086
share tweet
(636): View more from Missouri

you made a powerpoint titled 'things i've drank tonight' and emailed it to me.

Fav 4 6910 1216
share tweet
(479): View more from Arkansas

He called me a "functional alcoholic" like its a bad thing.

Fav 7 4348 1399
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

Just facebooked the guy whose name you're yelling in there. So you're aware, his interests include "swearing at babies" and "Ice luge"

Fav 20 4248 4886
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

any advancement on the stomach flu vs. pregnancy scare of '10?

Fav 13 1341 5249
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Oh I forgot to tell you one of the little boys in my preschool class was wearing a Hooters tank top today.

Fav 12 7403 1714
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

Just saw a drunk guy marching down the strip with a garden rake. I feel compelled to follw him

Fav 23 6249 1324
share tweet
(949): View more from California

We're the kind of people who ruin family vacations

Fav 6 5897 1338
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

Fav 29 10882 1595
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

Fav 15 5893 1372
share tweet
(727): View more from Florida

and she was petting her beer can

Fav 8 4559 1090
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

he was writing an apology letter to his liver in shakespearean english... That much fun...

Fav 10 5794 1407
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

So I woke up today with someone's door knob in my pocket. I hope everbody else got out of the house ok.

Fav 7 5571 1221
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

When health care reform is passed, I'm throwing a kegger

(708): View more from Illinois

You are the reason we need health care reform

Fav 55 3256 1324
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

I don't think I have ever been told that I am "probably too drunk to pet the stingrays" by a cop before.

Fav 14 6454 1369
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

He lit his shirt on fire at the bar by putting a lit cigarette in the pocket to "save for later."

Fav 14 2785 4166
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

Fav 64 29357 1874
share tweet
(951): View more from California

So I just googled the ten commandments... Were fucked.

Fav 22 7395 1981
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

she told me her two favorite things were grocery stores and dick.

Fav 20 8295 1532
share tweet
(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

Fav 26 7997 2392
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

explain the missing patches of hair on my cat. now.

Fav 20 3813 6190
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

my history teacher totally just suggested that we record his lectures and play drinking games with them later so that we pay attention to the material.

Fav 15 12569 1417
share tweet
(229): View more from Georgia

He' s half Black and half Italian, I finally asked...this penis maybe one for the records.

Fav 41 9433 1421
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

what you doin?

(516): View more from New York

I just woke up vomited poured myself a chocolate milk and turned on the peoples court. you?

(631): View more from New York

reread what you just wrote and reconsider your entire life

Fav 20 5878 1863
share tweet
(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

Fav 34 5928 1766
share tweet
(416): View more from Toronto

the bank didn't screw up, i spent 150$ at mcdonalds last night

Fav 77 8190 4876
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't even have to sign up for karaoke at duncans anymore. The karaoke ppl just sign me up themselves. Without my consent. I also sang stacys mom to some lady named Stacy who's mom died yesterday.

Fav 34 2831 11410
share tweet
(254): View more from Texas

our new exchange student wants to hear all about America's greatest politician, "Oprah." it's gonna be a long fucking day

Fav 25 1966 5922
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

Fav 112 53247 2386
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

You were pretty fucked up... decided playing hopscotch down the stairs was an excellent idea.. it was extremely entertaining

Fav 11 6366 1407
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

Whenever I said your name you screamed polo and did another shot.

Fav 15 8244 1404
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

The last thing I remember is you asking me how to grow french fries.

Fav 12 6867 1227
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

Some girl next to me in class is making a list of whta to pack for spring break & it was a normal list until she put birth control in all caps w/ stars around it

Fav 17 7438 1413
share tweet
(562): View more from California

even your uterus rejects him.

(1-562): View more from California

apparently my uterus is the smartest part of my body.

Fav 7 5594 1427
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

You talked to that cop for like 15 minutes and when you got back, you told us you were "networking".

Fav 9 6132 1124
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

My new excuse for sleeping with him was in celebration of his cat's birthday.

Fav 10 4514 1309
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

Is it socially acceptable to order two burrito bowls?

(636): View more from Missouri

anything's socially acceptable if you do it with enough confidence

Fav 32 9115 1379
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Is there any way you can check to see if I have a warrant out in Alabama?

Fav 11 5431 1621
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I just saw "i'm bigger then that" as her facebook status. Would it be better to make a fat joke or correct her grammar?

Fav 37 7324 1464
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm drunk in class and I'm pretty sure the bible freak behind me is saying a prayer for me

Fav 45 8324 1531
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

we just pregamed for our presentation... gotta love group bonding

Fav 3 3484 919
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

yea, the bartender wouldn't serve you because you kept asking for "a slice of beer"

Fav 9 7836 1461
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

Fav 20 12052 1544
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

my quiz for the book was only 2 questions and my one answer was sorry and then a sad face

Fav 3 1397 3733
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"

Fav 10 5500 1151
share tweet
(509): View more from Washington

I will never underestimate my ability to drunken ramble. At one point last night i think i was talking about hieroglyphics

Fav 13 5124 1194
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

just fed a duck at the lake a weed brownie. it hasnt moved in 20 minutes.

Fav 120 28217 5130
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Dude, everyone in your family has slept with that girl. Her vagina is like the Hindu version of a Bar Mitzvah.

Fav 10 1423 4576
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

How are you going to be there by 9am?

(919): View more from North Carolina

Relax I always go to these conferences hung over

(646): View more from New York

You say that like it's a positive quality

Fav 12 5290 1409
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

Fav 15 9007 1548
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

How do I put "special brownies" into Weight Watchers?

Fav 44 7422 1483
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

you were sitting on the floor cleaning up your own puke and telling my mom she should hire you as a maid.

Fav 5 6041 1981
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

the majority of my texts from you are at 3 AM & consist of either "I'm drunk", "you're asian", or "bratwurst"

Fav 16 8194 1392
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i need to break up with him. i realized this while i was making a mental grocery list while we were having sex. this is not the first time i've done that.

Fav 26 1501 8273
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

They are pre-gaming a trip to congress...not sure how politically correct the group is.

Fav 8 4046 1008
share tweet
(517): View more from Michigan

Someone just pulled taco bell tacos out of their purse in class....2 problems with here. 1) this class is nutrition 2) taco bell is not open this early.

Fav 17 7015 2321
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

Well, technically I had a shirt on, it was just around my waist.

Fav 18 5559 1193
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

i was focused on more important things... like standing, and not spilling my beer

Fav 11 6697 1263
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

just mention it in a side comment sometime today... like oh by the way i have a daughter but um yeah my day was good

Fav 15 1653 5330
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

did i by any chance text you anything about feathers last night?

(914): View more from New York

you mean faeutihaers?

Fav 34 11173 1669
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I wouldnt endorse that guy if he was walking in a walkathon to raise money for a disease i had

Fav 12 4371 1763
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i have a $600 bill for my ER visit in which they did nothing but suggest to me that i am an alcoholic.

Fav 25 1280 6555
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

So apparently I ran down the hall to another party and started handing out uncooked spaghetti to strangers. You'd be surprised how many drunk people will eat raw noodles.

Fav 12 7744 1185
share tweet
(734): View more from Michigan

i kept telling her phones are not food, and she countinued to put it in her mouth..

Fav 17 4245 1789
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk

Fav 9 5883 1126
share tweet
(561): View more from Florida

i walked in the apt and she was vacuuming. i asked why and she said so we could have sex on the floor. i love clean freaks.

Fav 17 13080 1322
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

I have way too much money in my bra to be responsible.

Fav 14 8150 1264
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

I just remember standing in the shower with you eating chips.

Fav 10 6567 1161
share tweet
(336): View more from North Carolina

do you ever think like no deep thought could take place in the spanish language? like all they talk about is like tacos?

(828): View more from North Carolina

how high are you?

Fav 59 12917 2200
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

We planned for the zombie apocalypse. In great detail. Of course there was booze involved.

Fav 31 6289 1298
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

If I had a motorized wheelchair, I'd just chase the squirrels on campus all day.

Fav 16 9315 1485
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i took my goldfish out of his bowl last night and put him in my bed

Fav 43 2389 14610
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.

Fav 65 1881 20123
share tweet
(352): View more from Florida

Pregaming for shuffle board at 10 AM. I love spring break.

Fav 11 4522 1163
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

i knew i liked her after she chugged tequila, fell down the stairs and said "oh dont worry i knew it'd be faster this way"

Fav 36 16875 1736
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

right as i was about to introduce them she goes "old fuck buddy, meet new fuck buddy."

Fav 21 6965 1896
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

You were so hammed, you asked your buddy in Economics to plot a demand curve for Parmesan Cheese.

Fav 9 4948 1167
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

I think you missed the wrong class. Im pretty sure we were taught how to buy cocaine.

Fav 9 5163 1289
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you eating frozen orange juice with a spoon and then drinking vodka from the bottle.

Fav 17 7647 1392
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

making cat noises will not fix the situation.

Fav 6 3574 1359
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

There's a show on the Discovery Channel about T-Rex sex. I think this just made my life.

Fav 87 8362 2049
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

Why did I call the Oregon Department of Transportation at 4:30 in the morning, and who did I talk to for three minutes?

Fav 7 3260 837
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

Fav 7 3269 1055
share tweet
(478): View more from Georgia

So my roomate was sunbathing this morning on the porch with a sock covering his penis

(410): View more from Maryland

Sounds like a really classy character....

(478): View more from Georgia

He is classy. It was argyle.

Fav 18 6978 1040
share tweet
(216): View more from Ohio

Where the fuck is Rob at, he hasnt answered his phone in like 2 weeks.

(440): View more from Ohio

Dude Rob died 2 weeks ago wtf?

(216): View more from Ohio

Holy shit r u serious? How?

(440): View more from Ohio

Just kidding, but im pretty sure he boned your gf and doesnt want to talk to you.

Fav 156 7728 42053
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

Fav 50 1592 19816
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up wearing no shirt sleeping next to a half-eaten grilled cheese.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Well did you call the grilled cheese yet? Or r u waiting the usual 3 days?

Fav 6 3828 1009
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

somehow in between the body shots the bong hits and trying to convince the 7-11 lady to let me fill up my vodka bottle with cherry slurpee. i misplaced my car.

Fav 16 3799 994
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at a work party and I don't know how to drink socially. You know, like slow?

Fav 12 3611 1145
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

I just saw a woman parallel park a horse. Awesome. Only in New York..

Fav 13 3313 842
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, you need to talk to your mom

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

wtf?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you

Fav 32 1063 4930
share tweet
(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

Fav 148 8160 70874
share tweet
(501): View more from Arkansas

there's only 1 girl at Mount St Mary that's a virgin. the Mary statue standing outside

Fav 85 7441 1201
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

so then we both started to do the walk of shame and she didnt realize we had fucked in her apartment until some lady said hi to her in the elevator

(954): View more from Florida

you didnt stop her?

(305): View more from Florida

too entertaining

Fav 49 5064 881
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.

Fav 57 1703 7794
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

we have to go try and show our tits so we can get ID-free drinks at applebees

Fav 43 3277 1220
share tweet
(858): View more from California

Spotted on freeway- girl in ford focus takes a hit from a 7 inch pipe while knee driving. She winked at me. I want her life.

Fav 32 5299 905
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You went to the wrong car, tried to open the locked door, and started crying because you thought we were playing a mean trick. Then the owner came...

Fav 11 1166 3291
share tweet
(519): View more from Ontario

she's naming her girl london marie

(519): View more from Ontario

that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

Fav 21 1247 3233
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

If she didn't want me to pass out in her bathroom, then she shouldn't have such a furry rug in there

Fav 14 5956 907
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

Btw, I'm really high so I apologize if anything I say gets translated into arabic.

Fav 18 4955 849
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

I'm trying real hard to keep it on the DL how drunk I am at lunch with my grandma.

Fav 13 5467 999
share tweet
(740): View more from Ohio

I told her I had to go to work this morning, got fully dressed in a suit, walked her out, drove around the block, parked, and walked right back in my apt and went back to sleep..

Fav 39 8586 1137
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

i wish that high-me and normal-me were two different ppl so that high-me could thank normal-me for setting out a feast before smoking

(1-503): View more from Oregon

I wish that high-you wouldn't text me stupid shit at 3:30 in the morning

Fav 14 5109 1105
share tweet
(381): View more from

I'll listen to your side of the story when you stop being such a whore.

Fav 15 1675 3570
share tweet
(210): View more from Texas

I think they should rename 16 and pregnant to "I was fucked in highschool and all I got was a baby and humiliated infront of the nation on MTV"

Fav 37 5753 1137
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

Now I'm watching The History of Sex on the History Channel. They're talking about how repressed the 30s were. I think I understand why grandma is such an angry person.

Fav 46 7365 1209
share tweet
(573): View more from Missouri

This was all being yelled across a beer pong table as all important things should be discussed

Fav 17 6145 929
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Shes in the fridge organizing my beer collection. I love having a girlfriend with OCD

Fav 18 6698 1019
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

Just tried to tap morse code on the wall seperating our beds to tell you I was awake and ready to smoke

Fav 16 6693 1088
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.

Fav 18 1778 3573
share tweet
(707): View more from California

get home. someone threw up in the fishtank last night.

Fav 25 1082 5740
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I think I've given more of my business cards to Chipotle trying to win free burritos than anyone else

Fav 13 4446 1014
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

You probably havent been upstairs if you think that the microwave missing its door is bad

Fav 13 2112 5222
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

She was narrarating everything she did.. like while making toast.

Fav 7 3317 1645
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

you were holding her hair as she threw up saying "I'm going to be a great doctor" repeatedly.

Fav 11 4363 1122
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

Fav 15 6678 1105
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

Fav 12 6266 1453
share tweet
(317): View more from Indiana

How long is the appropriate time period between a pregnancy scare and breaking up with my girlfriend?

Fav 84 1455 8849
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

Fav 24 6330 2394
share tweet
(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

Fav 14 7016 2154
share tweet
(805): View more from California

Theyr drawing diagrams to try to explain to me how high they are

Fav 16 6909 1071
share tweet
(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

Fav 33 11102 1396
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I woke up this morning with a bag of pepperonis in my bed.... and my facebook status was "pepperonis"

Fav 29 13269 1443
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

im in his phone as 'great ass to tap'

Fav 26 10333 1865
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

Fav 25 6986 1289
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

and then you went into taco bell without pants...and surprisingly you weren't the only one there without pants

Fav 14 14655 1482
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

the last girl i hooked up with and the last guy i hooked up with are hooking up right now. this is where bisexuality becomes a problem.

Fav 45 3099 7644
share tweet
(817): View more from Texas

I think thats the most anyones ever pregamed for rollerskating

Fav 8 6119 1796
share tweet
(469): View more from Texas

Note to self. Champagne flavored lube is neither as tasty nor as classy as one might think.

Fav 12 1201 4574
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around

Fav 14 2552 6339
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We can smell you smoking weed from downstairs and your little brother is asking why the upstairs smells like gasoline. Please smoke in the basement. XOXO dad.

Fav 82 31329 2833
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

just got high and bedazzled my bra. other than bleeding from the prongs life is so good.

Fav 16 5466 1590
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

i just deleted quailman, hot hawaiian dude, appalachian swimmer, and connecticut from my phone

Fav 15 5683 1414
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

who the fuck is that kid sitting with you...

(1-314): View more from Missouri

I don't have any fucking idea. I woke up and he was there. I'm kinda creeped out.

Fav 15 1415 5062
share tweet
(347): View more from New York

I'm praying to Jesus, Allah, Buddah,and the whole gang tonight that I'm not pregnant

Fav 29 1523 6182
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

I wish alcohol would automatically work as birth control if you have sex drunk.

Fav 25 6926 1274
share tweet
(571): View more from Virginia

You yelled "bananas are an excellent source of pottasium!"4 times in the middle of class. how do you not remember?

(703): View more from Virginia

I don't even know what potassium is.

Fav 47 10645 1490
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

Fav 39 15166 1575
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

you refused to leave the drive-thru at mcdonalds until the cashier took a jello shot

Fav 21 11329 1138
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

Have you seen my high heels that I wore out?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

You mean the one that you threw at the parked cop car or the one in the microwave?

Fav 15 7758 1301
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

Fav 14 5365 1424
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I'm thinking we should try to start remembering stuff we do. Althought I kinda like feeling like Nancy Drew the next morning.

(727): View more from Florida

More like the Hardy Boys cause its kinda like a team effort.

Fav 15 5001 909
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

woke up and she was making me crepes. definitely not the last time i fuck a culinary student

Fav 38 19325 1255
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

I get free beer too. Its called a vagina and its accepted everywhere like visa

Fav 79 14640 1375
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

can we please take bets on how much therapy you'll need in the future?

Fav 5 3669 1334
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

The best part was her genuine shock and total "I didn't know" look when we said she couldn't cook a steak in a microwave.

Fav 21 4606 1423
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

He was telling me how the song fireflies makes him feel like he can talk to animals

Fav 59 3926 3353
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

hes so high that he's convinced hes a duck. hes squating in the bathtub quacking. that was NOT JUST pot.

Fav 22 7357 1405
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

dude, the building's fire alarm was going off for over an hour last night and you didn't move

(617): View more from Massachusetts

that's ok, when I'm passed out drunk I'm impervious to flame

Fav 15 7011 1116
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just saw the homeless asian lady making a hispanic man pull her shopping cart with a harness. I love Boston.

Fav 56 4197 866
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I realized as I was wesiging my engamemby ring that you'd never love me tha same. I have life plans and Sam showed them to me

(617): View more from Massachusetts

What? You're not speaking real words.

Fav 30 1284 3009
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

Fav 104 4275 1140
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

Fav 33 8279 999
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

May i just say it is extremely difficult to pee in a cape

Fav 12 4838 1823
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

His internet searches, listed chronologically: sex slave, volunteer sex slave, lava

Fav 164 2596 3894
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

there is a school bus full of santas parked in front of the liquor store

Fav 23 10830 1090
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

you kept lying down on the floor at the bar just to prove you could get back up

Fav 14 5169 1158
share tweet
(256): View more from Alabama

my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table

(1-256): View more from Alabama

whatd she say to you?

(256): View more from Alabama

no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle

Fav 60 2412 8794
share tweet
(831): View more from California

I got a lot accomplished today, and the day is still young! I built a fort, hot boxed a fort, had a tea party in a fort, and now realizing how high I am.

Fav 15 9304 1177
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

Fav 18 8096 1453
share tweet
(423): View more from Tennessee

I got it! After our exam we take shots for every question we skipped!!!

(615): View more from Tennessee

I don't wanna die...

Fav 10 7155 1591
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.

Fav 33 10900 1362
share tweet
(530): View more from California

I've never been so happy to start my period. I'm gonna let everyone in the store see me buying tampons.

Fav 20 6432 1169
share tweet
(414): View more from Wisconsin

we were so high last night we were cutting bread with my iphone

Fav 32 7424 1165
share tweet
(904): View more from Florida

taking a shot every time they compare curling to a real sport

Fav 20 7064 1195
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

You drew a lightning bolt on your eye and stomach in eye liner and made me sing Poker face with you in harmonies. I never knew you were still a music major when you were drunk.

Fav 9 6413 1133
share tweet
(974): View more from

You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.

Fav 28 8252 1200
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

Fav 23 7477 1284
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

Renamed my iPod as 'the titantic' so when I plug it in it's says 'the titantic is syncing.'

Fav 249 68662 3916
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

Some girl in the stall next to me just yelled "fuck yes i started my period!" she came out of the stall and we high fived. who am i to judge? i do that every month.

Fav 29 15365 1482
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

NBC reported that a group almost has enough signatures to submit pole dancing as an Olympic sport in 2016...

(1-513): View more from Ohio

God I fucking love America.

Fav 45 9497 1512
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

there's chicken and sequins in our bathroom sink. part of me almost wants to know what happened

Fav 8 4602 1023
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

Fav 38 5136 1135
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

Fav 20 7315 963
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

I fucking love fucking science majors-- she told me that she wanted to know if her gag reflex got better or worse with alcohol, and that her initial evidence had been inconclusive. So, next few weeks, yeah, gettin blown periodically. All I have to do is keep a log.

Fav 47 15888 1251
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

I just remembered I gave a homeless man a ride to his bridge last night.

Fav 31 7456 1127
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

you just stared at your feet and said some shit about the molecules dancing and how you had just solved physics.

Fav 21 8528 1050
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I've replaced the bottom of the food pyramid with alcohol.

Fav 28 6588 1017
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

there should be a national holiday dedicated to how high i am

Fav 26 6131 1149
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

Tbell employee was shuffling through my bag, calling off each item i ordered to make sure it was all there. I stopped him halfway through with "guy, don't worry, I'm high as shit, I'll eat anything."

Fav 35 17860 1328
share tweet
(949): View more from California

you made cement angels. it was a great sight.

Fav 18 6250 1110
share tweet
(913): View more from Kansas

I didn't want to talk to him so I just started telling him how important Jesus was to me

Fav 22 7048 1378
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, just paid my sister in vicodin to go out and buy me a slushie.

Fav 28 5403 1439
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

there r dinosaurs outside my house i hear them

(718): View more from New York

pretty sure those are just snow plows....go back to bed

Fav 31 11901 1552
share tweet
(949): View more from California

they have pregnancy tests at the dollar store

(949): View more from California

I feel like that is one of those things that you should not cheap out on.

Fav 33 1498 4191
share tweet
(802): View more from Vermont

you yelled "you will never make love to jesus" and then ran into the tv.

Fav 15 5967 1258
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

the girl next to me just texted someone in her phone named Optimus Prime

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

...i wonder what he did to earn that nickname

Fav 62 7813 1225
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.

Fav 30 12542 1219
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

hey, when you wake up, search yourself on youtube

(630): View more from Illinois

my sister already found it, were watching it right now. i give it 2 thumbs up.

Fav 17 7670 1031
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.

(1-407): View more from Florida

the diet of an alcoholic...

Fav 15 4418 948
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

being a part time student has turned me into a full time alcoholic.

Fav 11 4622 1170
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

To make up for the snow days we missed he's making us write a paper on alcoholism. It's like he knows.

Fav 10 5939 1100
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

Fav 34 16507 1558
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

you were so high that you made a 14 page PowerPoint on why Santa would beat Peter pan in a fight.

(303): View more from Colorado

and I must say, you were very persuasive

Fav 74 19052 1435
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

just told my mom that i'm having a bad day and she responded with "maybe you should pour yourself a nice drink". good to know that my parents support my future of alcoholism

Fav 15 5490 952
share tweet
(586): View more from Michigan

You do realize it's a Tuesday, right?

(1-586): View more from Michigan

You do realize I stopped giving a fuck about calendars when I was 10, right? And besides, it could be the best Tuesday of your life.

Fav 22 8290 1149
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

i can respect that.

Fav 14 5195 1057
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just spent all my babysitting money on red cups and beer.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

People still let you watch their kids?

Fav 18 6430 1150
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

Is it weird if I ask my drug dealer to prom? Be honest.

Fav 36 6673 2788
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

we drove through mcdonalds and ordered everything on the dollar menu. We told the workers that were making Super Size Me 2, drove away without paying and told them to bill our producer.

Fav 60 10669 1637
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

You stood in front of a yellow Camaro and kept yelling at it to "Transform already!!!!".. yeah, I'd say you were pretty wasted.

Fav 23 12074 1396
share tweet
(801): View more from Utah

I am in the checkout line at the dollar store and there is a guy in front of me holding a pregnancy test, a chocolate bar, and fake roses. Champion.

Fav 28 11495 1765
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

Lucky for you, I found your phone.....Not so lucky for you, it was in the bottom of your vomit-filled trashcan.

Fav 24 893 5232
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

just realized i can abbreviate thomas paine as t pain in poli theory class notes....YES

Fav 37 8449 1201
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

Fav 64 9477 1675
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

you know that saying beer then liquer makes you sicker, it should be beer then pickles makes you throw up alot, everywhere.

Fav 32 1609 5541
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday

(1-646): View more from New York

mom would be proud

Fav 24 4531 1304
share tweet
(816): View more from Missouri

You answered the door when the cops arrived with a beer in one hand and a pillowcase over your head yelling "GAGA, OOH LA LA!"

Fav 46 16788 1735
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

There is a girl in bio drinking beer out of a starbucks cup with a straw

Fav 45 7732 1024
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

Fav 41 6967 1129
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

Fav 39 8740 1227
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

i just saw a man pushing two thirtys of beers in a stroller while his little kid ran to keep up. father of the year

Fav 58 8561 2273
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

last time i saw her she was begging the broken jukebox to play lady gaga.

Fav 16 4277 1349
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

you kept searching pizza on facebook and becoming a fan of each page dedicated to it

Fav 16 6217 943
share tweet
(973): View more from New Jersey

we were frolicking through a fountain of pizza rolls. it was like the best dream i ever had

Fav 18 6874 888
share tweet
(412): View more from Pennsylvania

you wrote "5 million dollars" in the tip line for the pizza delivery man and insisted that he deserves it

Fav 15 8085 1468
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

Fav 25 5922 1264
share tweet
(952): View more from Minnesota

He could list all of the presidents! Every one, and in order!! I was so impressed the least I could do was give him a blow job.

(320): View more from Minnesota

Ah, yes. Making our founding fathers proud.

Fav 38 8112 1154
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

just saw a man remove a wedgie from his lady's ass. who says chivalry is dead.

(815): View more from Illinois

we live in such a classy society.

Fav 25 5951 1486
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

I understand Curling. That high.

Fav 39 7664 1225
share tweet
(425): View more from Washington

you started crying because you didn't get to wear your rainboots this week so i turned on the shower and let you jump around in it

(206): View more from Washington

youre the best friend ever

Fav 46 21532 1605
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

Fav 21 6691 1052
share tweet
(760): View more from California

I just had a librarian tell me that "wikipedia is like sex"

(760): View more from California

When he expanded on the analogy it actually made sense. "you're going to do it either way, so I'm just going to tell you how to do it safely."

Fav 19 7317 1100
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

Ah that type of Dick. I think my phones trying to make me less of a whore by capitalizing Dick. That way it looks like I'm talking about a dude not penis

Fav 8 4457 989
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

About to find out how well alcohol and lazer tag mix.

Fav 43 10145 1064
share tweet
(803): View more from South Carolina

I think I could pass a breathalyzer. But with like a C.

Fav 23 7478 1283
share tweet
(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

Fav 27 6555 1254
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

it's amazing how much more room there is in my purse when I'm not carrying alcohol in it

Fav 11 5700 931
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

he got his own cum in his own eye. TWICE. how do you make that mistake again?

Fav 13 1135 5860
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

The way I see it, if i don't fail the midterm and blow off some of the projects, how else am I going to get motivated to study for the final ?

Fav 11 4321 1254
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

So after the reception we snuck back into the church for drunken hook up. we passed out there and woke up in time for 6am mass still dressed from the wedding. spiritually trashy or classy?

Fav 44 6414 1757
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

i didnt mean to paint the dog... it just kinda happened

Fav 13 6581 1450
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

doing shots has become such a natural thing to me that i just instinctively swallowed listerine

Fav 32 2824 7565
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

Fav 31 2539 6488
share tweet
(870): View more from Arkansas

you thought you were invisible so you started narrating your actions.

Fav 29 8740 1194
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

just had an encounter with drunk people from out of state at dairy queen. they wanted to stay till march to see the high school play.

Fav 20 4473 1054
share tweet
(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.

(407): View more from Florida

Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.

Fav 21 5801 991
share tweet
(318): View more from Louisiana

So my game is weak??

(501): View more from Arkansas

If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.

Fav 10 1362 3836
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

the new roommate knocked on my door this morning holding a bong in one hand and my dennys leftovers from last night in the other. love this kid. Best student housing placement ever.

Fav 14 6320 827
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

All she gave me for breakfast was raw toast. How can she expect me to eat raw toast?

(404): View more from Georgia

You mean bread?

Fav 60 17837 1906
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

So you really shouldn't go around telling people you're fireproof

Fav 4 4193 1141
share tweet
(514): View more from Quebec

i pretty much saved your life. you were so conviced that your nail polish remover bottle was "Vodka Lemon"

Fav 25 1333 5810
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

Fav 54 5189 913
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Do you realize that we tried to rent a limo at 5am to come and take us to waffle house?

Fav 30 9531 987
share tweet
(812): View more from Indiana

I wish everyone walked around campus with a video of what they did this weekend above their heads.

Fav 33 8669 967
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

Call me in 2 minutes and go along with what I say. You're hysterical and I must go comfort you asap. He just asked if I was ready to experience sex with a wizard and he wasnt kidding.

Fav 19 1318 6223
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

I just got three quarters of the way there before I realized I was way too stoned for class so I bought a smoothie and walked home.

Fav 22 6412 1034
share tweet
(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

Fav 15 8007 1218
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

Fav 10 4287 1176
share tweet
(702): View more from Nevada

what made you think it was a good idea to trust the girl that hides tequila in her backpack?

Fav 19 4811 1166
share tweet
(773): View more from Illinois

Dude im not sure whos apartment i woke up in but i just showered here and their shampoo in phenomenal

Fav 29 22811 1338
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Joe is yelling at the trees again.

Fav 26 4251 997
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

I just remembered that last night when we tried to walk off the spins you said "pretend i'm your pet dinosaur" so i walked you around on an invisible leash while you made t-rex hissing noises.

Fav 67 20661 1554
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

this other lifeguard and I are actually considering paying a kid to shit in the pool

Fav 53 3789 1090
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

i just stumbled downstairs, still drunk, to hug my dad and wish him a happy fathers day

(617): View more from Massachusetts

but fathers day is next sunday

(781): View more from Massachusetts

i realized that after i threw up on his bare feet

Fav 14 1180 4605
share tweet
(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

Fav 59 6898 1389
share tweet
(403): View more from Alberta, CA

just walked by a lingerie store, the sign out front, "Specials for Father's Day", in no way is that just not wrong.

Fav 19 2602 1238
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

thank god he doesn't hang out with everyone else i've had sex with

(217): View more from Illinois

well, yeah, he can't fit the whole neighborhood in his apartment

Fav 23 1844 2795
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

haha I love it when I find out that girls who were mean to me in middle school are now some random dude's baby mama. thanks, facebook.

Fav 54 19287 1239
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

can you imagine how much money lesbians save on birth control?!?

(740): View more from Ohio

bitches.

Fav 58 9264 1414
share tweet
(757): View more from Virginia

He's at the gym. He likes to get high and swim cause it makes him feel like a fish.

Fav 42 20810 1556
share tweet
(310): View more from California

so how do you plan on seducing my econ TA?

(818): View more from California

by telling him that he has a large supply and that i demand it...in my mouth. it shows him that i'm slutty and that i pay attention in econ

Fav 43 14645 1582
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

while you were getting the key to the dorm from the lobby i was giving a drunk monolog to the security camera about my life

Fav 16 8077 1188
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

is drinking for groundhog day legit?

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

well you blacked out on MLK day and we pregamed arbor day, so yes

Fav 21 6490 922
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You were screaming at a bartender last night for not referring to you as god.

(513): View more from Ohio

and apparently I tried to pay for beer with a tampon.

Fav 21 5832 1388
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I just saw a neon sign in a bar window that says, "open to Public" but the L is burnt out.

Fav 16 4895 784
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

Are you seriously drinking already? It's 11AM. Still morning.

(1-781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm going by McDonald's time. And since they stop serving breakfast at 10:30 and start serving lunch, it is now afternoon.

Fav 19 6470 966
share tweet
(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

Fav 30 6187 1399
share tweet
(971): View more from Oregon

I was so drunk last night that I went into my 15 year old sisters room to have her peer edit the drunk texts I was sending to my ex.

Fav 18 6168 1545
share tweet
(225): View more from Louisiana

what day is it and did you see me today?

Fav 7 6501 1161
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

We just made watching Intervention into a drinking game. We drink everytime someone does drungs.

Fav 13 4591 885
share tweet
(651): View more from Minnesota

You were running around the house with a purple crayon asking people to call you harold..

Fav 18 6046 896
share tweet
(503): View more from Oregon

my roommate and her friend got reaallllly high last night and it looks like they played scrabble. one of their words is "nippal"

Fav 12 5666 1035
share tweet
(480): View more from Arizona

With such a small dick you'd think he'd try to make up for it with some sort of personality.

Fav 17 1088 5592
share tweet
(708): View more from Illinois

A hard boiled egg and a shot of tequila is not brunch.

Fav 24 4209 1267
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

We walked through the hotel lobby in slow-mo taking huge steps because we were astronauts, and astronauts obviously can't be drunk.

Fav 25 12342 1122
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

when I woke up the last searched thing on my phone was "how to make a fireproof dress" I need to stop drinking.

Fav 5 4298 825
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

Thanks for the menagerie of condoms on my desk

(1-914): View more from New York

It's the use of SAT words like that which make me want to use them on you

Fav 55 9044 1188
share tweet
(770): View more from Georgia

I just sat in the Taco Bell drive-thru waiting for a trash can to take my order. Yes, that high.

Fav 63 8446 1437
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

There's an amish chick decked out in amish clothes on a cell phone staring at me.

Fav 53 4709 979
share tweet
(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

Fav 38 9129 1253
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

I may or may not have eaten the rest of your birthday cake last night after getting blazed and watching harry potter.

(407): View more from Florida

i think you have the wrong number

(813): View more from Florida

so then it wasn't your birthday cake. k, cool.

Fav 70 7453 1016
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

whats a more ladylike way to say "fuck me on your lunch break"?

Fav 63 5605 752
share tweet
(240): View more from Maryland

At what point did I decide it would be a good idea to fill my contact case with vodka

Fav 21 1297 5737
share tweet
(631): View more from New York

I just woke up in the coolest sweatsuit i have ever seen..it has cory's name on the tag...do we know a cory?

Fav 12 5971 882
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone just saw your hickey on TV and on the jumbotron at the hockey game.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

Thanks dad.

Fav 24 1399 4935
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

Fav 23 7519 1160
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm banging this nun...

(314): View more from Missouri

Isn't that how all good stories start? I like it already...

Fav 35 7690 991
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

Fav 33 7087 1237
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

After she swallowed she let out a hurge burp. No BS. I'm the cock of the walk.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I think you have the wrong number. But at any rate, respect.

Fav 43 14766 1456
share tweet
(805): View more from California

all I remember was being half naked drinking water on my hands and knees from her dogs water bowl.

Fav 14 1136 4317
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

I'm not going to blow you while you look at fish on the internet.

Fav 12 1034 3752
share tweet
(775): View more from Nevada

Not good, Ive never been this late. We need to talk.

(504): View more from Louisiana

Error 1684C: You're last text was undeeliverable. Subscriber is our to the aera.

Fav 196 2463 17272
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

Pick my eyebrow is burning. I'm sitting in the back of dolows vat and listening to jolly music and wilfgang is signing and looking food. Cute kid. Home is where I go now.

(1-646): View more from New York

what. the. fuck.

Fav 55 6056 1340
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

Just realized our kids will one day call us old because we were around when texting came about. I'm sad.

Fav 41 1196 3812
share tweet
(301): View more from Maryland

We're so high we're finding things in the room to build a submarine with. So far we have two cardboard boxes, a piece of wood, puffy paint, and an empty bottle to use as a periscope.

Fav 28 5642 801
share tweet
(304): View more from West Virginia

he was so high, he talked to my goldfish for an hour telling him the dangers of overfeeding.

Fav 26 6424 1145
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

Just saw a group of asian tourists in safari outifts bow in thanks to the starbucks guys. And no Im not high.

Fav 16 7090 1018
share tweet
(270): View more from Kentucky

Suite mates just came in and said that we have to go to Africa. They're already packed. Didn't know you could get that high.

Fav 18 8562 988
share tweet
(407): View more from Florida

i'm really high, and this is sooooooooooo important. how many frosties does it take to fill a bathtub?

Fav 33 8579 1045
share tweet
(207): View more from Maine

I may be a little high but I'm pretty sure my alphabet soup has only Os in it

(617): View more from Massachusetts

We call that spaghetti Os

Fav 33 10876 1422
share tweet
(303): View more from Colorado

Last night i was so high that i came home and did a taste test of every vitamin water and wrote theyre grade down on paper.

Fav 68 9285 1071
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

what if cement was really a rainbow color they just secretly paint it grey so as not to distract drivers

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

are you high?

Fav 36 13009 1292
share tweet
(530): View more from California

the cop asked for your social security number and you gave her your high school locker combo

Fav 25 10937 1528
share tweet
(518): View more from New York

I am at the point in my high where i now know/understand chinese.

Fav 29 11189 1138
share tweet
(845): View more from New York

Getting high on the stoop of a brownstone in the middle oh harlem. Doesn't get much more hey arnold than this.

Fav 52 13147 1311
share tweet
(704): View more from North Carolina

I got so high last night I started crying because i couldn't stop thinking about how scary space is

Fav 109 13839 2390
share tweet
(630): View more from Illinois

I don't know what kind of drugs you were on last night but you kept trying to highlight my face because you said I was important

Fav 36 18663 1506
share tweet
(818): View more from California

I only make drug deals in a British accent. It's my way of making sure it doesn't get too sketch.

Fav 19 7298 1173
share tweet
(402): View more from Nebraska

Literally 6000 elephants in my backyard.

Fav 31 7273 1272
share tweet
(925): View more from California

I was so high last night. I wrote a poem about my salt shaker

Fav 24 6555 1280
share tweet
(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

Fav 18 7737 1190
share tweet
(406): View more from Montana

As it would turn out, "jesusssssss" is not the password to enter Faith Chapel's wifi network.

Fav 19 5776 1295
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

i woke up with a grocery list signed by "the people who ate all your shit while you were passed out"

Fav 9 1831 5749
share tweet
(614): View more from Ohio

she said she'd get any tattoo I wanted ... so she's getting a large crossword puzzle as a tramp stamp. I'm the Einstein of doggy style

Fav 23 7166 1717
share tweet
(615): View more from Tennessee

I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.

Fav 29 8304 1155
share tweet
(206): View more from Washington

is the shake weight an appropriate valentine's day present?

Fav 27 4950 2665
share tweet
(805): View more from California

You stole her bday cake and shared it with drunk strangers on the street.

Fav 15 7173 2532
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

Fav 64 11222 2358
share tweet
(818): View more from California

Have you ever seen an entire lecture hall fist pump? It's magical.

Fav 42 10724 2403
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

all ten of us were sitting in his room with the lights off and staring at his colorful moving screensaver for two hours. That high.

Fav 33 6634 1170
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm eating my dinosaur chicken nuggets in the order they would die in the food chain.

Fav 51 26505 1662
share tweet
(760): View more from California

Too tired to do the dishes so I made mac and cheese in a teapot. There's still some left if you want some...

Fav 18 5608 1234
share tweet
(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

Fav 13 7615 1113
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

I will return your cat, I saw a mouse in my apt last night and your door was unlocked, it seemed really practical

Fav 18 9910 1134
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

...so how do you feel about living with a lesbian next year?

(585): View more from New York

hhaha i just laughed out loud when i read that

(516): View more from New York

is that a "i laughed because im fine with it" or "im a republican" ?

Fav 139 8185 1578
share tweet
(780): View more from Alberta, CA

He's trying to wipe up all the spilled drinks with a banana

Fav 17 5990 1300
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

I just found a 1/2 inch of mimosa in my shoe.

(1-864): View more from South Carolina

You should get more absorbent shoes.

Fav 13 3494 930
share tweet
(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

Fav 30 2371 4292
share tweet
(361): View more from Texas

is it weird that i blow-dry my hair and poop at the same time?

(702): View more from Nevada

not any weirder than you telling me this at 4 in the morning

Fav 23 2999 4739
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

He has been begging me for a Bj but doesnt want to get mono

(973): View more from New Jersey

How is he gunna get mono? is he gunna suck on his dick after you?

Fav 41 1891 5218
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

They were so slutty we had to play "rarely have I ever."

Fav 49 18401 2230
share tweet
(714): View more from California

after you threw up, you tried to prove you were sober by reading the ingredients off the shampoo bottles

Fav 13 5975 1173
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

my brother wants to know why there are wet balloons in his bed and i think you forgot to throw the condoms away but im too hungover to check if thats what hes talking about

Fav 27 1704 7089
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

we just fucked in the mcds parking lot

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

wasnt he a virgin

(732): View more from New Jersey

yes we got celebratory milkshakes after

Fav 60 13975 1549
share tweet
(908): View more from New Jersey

a guy from my religion class just walked in with a red cup. hello first friday of 2nd semester.

Fav 52 4297 847
share tweet
(585): View more from New York

I just woke up wearing retainers... they are most definitely not mine

Fav 12 1212 6684
share tweet
(808): View more from Hawaii

Could you explain why there is an Australian passport in your toilet?

Fav 20 5706 1090
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

Tonight I think I'm going to go out with a french braid so I don't wake up with puke hair. Thoughts?

(609): View more from New Jersey

And your mom thought you weren't even thinking about your future... she would be proud

Fav 15 5674 986
share tweet
(814): View more from Pennsylvania

dude are you gonna smoke tonight? my day was shit and I wanna get high

(808): View more from Hawaii

worker bees can leave....even drones can fly away....the queen is their slave

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

nevermind....I'm on the way

Fav 70 10834 1439
share tweet
(580): View more from Oklahoma

i just sent my parents are gone come over I have condoms to my mom because Derek changed my numbers while I was passed out

Fav 64 1378 10137
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

she asked if mt Rushmore was natural or man made

Fav 46 1542 7109
share tweet
(502): View more from Kentucky

Me + Nice restaurant + Copious amounts of booze + obscene comments to couples = valentine's day plans

Fav 12 6722 1181
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

in the bathroom helping her wash cum out her eye. pretty much explains my sex life

Fav 24 1417 4631
share tweet
(613): View more from Ontario

my Prof for my bio lab has his lab coat collar popped. it's 8 am and im too hungover for this guy

Fav 19 1916 3905
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

He walked in and put an x made out of tape on the floor. He then announced that he was going to pass out there. Cocky or strategic?

Fav 28 7051 1038
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

he was wearing 3D glasses the whole time.

Fav 22 5615 1379
share tweet
(970): View more from Colorado

just got a rotting pancake and bacon in the mail from your address....

Fav 28 6607 2343
share tweet
(678): View more from Georgia

We should have parties more often. I ended up with 90 beers and someone cleaned my toilet.

Fav 29 8135 999
share tweet
(810): View more from Michigan

She was so happy she found her sunglasses, that she blew me. Im now randomly hiding things of hers in hopes she'll find them and I'll get a repeat performance.

Fav 69 9389 1182
share tweet
(604): View more from British Columbia

Apparently getting drunk, buying a guitar from your local costco and walking in to an open mic night is not the same as rocking out to guitar hero...

Fav 17 6616 1455
share tweet
(917): View more from New York City

i left him drunk and in the fetal postion in the shower.

(516): View more from New York

was the water running?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah but he said he knows how to swim

Fav 10 6704 1557
share tweet
(201): View more from New Jersey

just taught 3 girls from korea how to fist pump on chat roulette.

Fav 32 5157 1219
share tweet
(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

Fav 18 5315 1130
share tweet
(703): View more from Virginia

threw up in my backpack again. Asian guy I cheat from wasn't pleased.

Fav 14 1229 4349
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I guess we had a small kitchen fire somehow when we decided to bake fruitroll ups and croutons...

Fav 10 3943 1472
share tweet
(417): View more from Missouri

Were not really friends so much as I suck his dick a lot

Fav 52 5812 1878
share tweet
(856): View more from New Jersey

He just left me a message saying he left the rest of the weed for me. Did i just get paid for sex? And if yes did i just get paid in drugs?

Fav 31 8931 1630
share tweet
(307): View more from Wyoming

Just turned my microbiology homework into a drinking game. The words are getting blurry but I think we're really bonding.

Fav 10 4671 943
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?

Fav 19 1387 5887
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just bought a CD. I feel like a traitor to my generation.

Fav 35 6471 1288
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

Just watched Hilary Duff have a three-some on Gossip Girl...all I could imagine was that LIzzie Maguire cartoon girl freaking out above their heads

Fav 41 12284 1479
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

were doing shots for every snowflake that hits the ground

Fav 40 11240 1544
share tweet
(920): View more from Wisconsin

dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?

(1-920): View more from Wisconsin

no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?

(920): View more from Wisconsin

he wasn't. neither were you.

Fav 16 7485 1556
share tweet
(214): View more from Texas

You owe me a new pair of headphones. You plugged mine into the top of a mustard bottle.

Fav 14 4563 1496
share tweet
(440): View more from Ohio

sarcasm needs its own font

Fav 55 8790 1252
share tweet
(925): View more from California

So in our children's lit class, some jackass little boy had gone thru the where's waldo book and circled waldo. I realize you would have been that kid.

Fav 19 2602 3703
share tweet
(618): View more from Illinois

Woke up with a treasure map of my room stuck with sticky tape to my ceiling. followed it and found $75 with a note saying; "eat this if we're invaded"... I'm never getting stoned again

Fav 34 6810 1218
share tweet
(914): View more from New York

we were naked in his bed and he told me all about what a "baller" alexander the great was.

Fav 27 6405 1951
share tweet
(781): View more from Massachusetts

walkin around the woods blazed, drawing pictures of trees and plants, i get a grade for this

Fav 29 6859 1004
share tweet
(603): View more from New Hampshire

No jewlry, no bra, and no pen. I couldnt be more prepared for a friday morning class.

Fav 28 4453 1041
share tweet
(850): View more from Florida

The answer to your question is yes. I am wearing a star of david to the bar in order attract a jewish man.

Fav 36 5337 1547
share tweet
(309): View more from Illinois

My ferret is drunk. Someone told me you'd know what to do?

Fav 46 9150 1549
share tweet
(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

Fav 30 19142 1551
share tweet
(208): View more from Idaho

I'm pretty sure if an eight year old calls you a whore.. it's true. just saying.

Fav 18 2726 3963
share tweet
(413): View more from Massachusetts

birth control should be required to get into college

Fav 28 5986 1296
share tweet
(567): View more from Ohio

I feel like this whole "telling that guy i have a kid to avoid him" thing is getting out of hand..

(1-567): View more from Ohio

How so?

(567): View more from Ohio

Probably at the point when i told him i was "Too drunk to drive" and "had to pick up my kid" all in a span of like 2 hours.

Fav 9 1365 4368
share tweet
(720): View more from Colorado

When we woke up, I asked if we could play "what does your name rhyme with".....he said 'bave' thank god it was easy

Fav 25 6176 1199
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

Fav 57 27180 2144
share tweet
(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

Fav 31 30395 1601
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

i wanted to go smoke pot, so i told my mom i was getting tutored. she asked what time i would be back, i told her learning doesn't have a curfew

Fav 45 24500 1548
share tweet
(267): View more from Pennsylvania

After you pregamed and were plastered you saw the cop was parked illegally so you gave him a citizens arrest

Fav 42 28637 1529
share tweet
(124): View more from

Last night, my friend changed all my contacts in my phone. I have been texted by Batman, Donatello, and Hermione Granger. I have no idea who they are, and it doesn't upset me at all.

Fav 107 32823 1974
share tweet
(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

Fav 216 35066 2918
share tweet
(419): View more from Ohio

just went to get groceries. a cashier said she saw me last night. i guess i carried a broom back from the party and swept the street the whole walk back...and i claimed to be in the cast of wicked

Fav 60 25368 2235
share tweet
(910): View more from North Carolina

wow wtf my bar tab was 80 dollars

(910): View more from North Carolina

IT WAS DOLLAR BEER NIGHT

Fav 83 41216 2672
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

Fav 86 41319 2575
share tweet
(716): View more from New York

fuck off i hope your children turn out to be republicans

Fav 155 8471 2922
share tweet
(404): View more from Georgia

A cab driver remembered me by name, address, and ex fuck buddys nick name from a year ago. I mustve been one memorable shit show.

Fav 16 8049 1266
share tweet
(765): View more from Indiana

I woke up at 4am on the couch with half my clothes on. And by half my clothes I mean my earrings.

Fav 26 9834 1406
share tweet
(217): View more from Illinois

Why is there a cactus in the microwave?

(1-217): View more from Illinois

Don't worry about it.

Fav 25 11215 1341
share tweet
(972): View more from Texas

You were so trashed that when you dropped your fruit rollup on the floor, you just sat next to it and cried.

Fav 88 10191 2116
share tweet
(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

Fav 60 11477 2802
share tweet
(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

Fav 45 11433 3012
share tweet
(248): View more from Michigan

I make my boyfriend pay for half of my birth control. We call it his monthly rent.

Fav 108 14442 1594
share tweet
(612): View more from Minnesota

You text me last night that you invented a new food. Cheese-less grilled cheese. Congrats, you made toast.

Fav 47 29987 1755
share tweet
(931): View more from Tennessee

my grandma just put on bowling shoes, to play wii bowling.

Fav 69 28606 1841
share tweet
(915): View more from Texas

My professor just suggested making the state of the union more interesting by turning it into a drinking game. Brilliant!!

Fav 22 6436 922
share tweet
(224): View more from Illinois

finally achieved: got laid in the religion section of borders. thought you should know.

Fav 39 7079 1197
share tweet
(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

he asked if thats how we do it in the states..like there's cultural difference in fucking between canada and the us..

Fav 33 1812 4093
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

he drank a monster margarita at dinner. had to ask me if it was dollars or minutes that ended in 60.

Fav 20 6457 1280
share tweet
(504): View more from Louisiana

She was so drunk yelling at me in my driveway to fuck her. It was the ghetto version of Romeo and Juliet.

Fav 48 10859 1486
share tweet
(954): View more from Florida

you kept singing the copa cabana and saying HAVE A BANANA to random people on the street. you also went up to this poor short guy and hugged him while proceeding to yell I LOVE YOU CHILD MAN into his face. please tell me you're sober now

Fav 82 27581 2040
share tweet
(724): View more from Pennsylvania

also, i may or may not be wearing a cape right now. hint: i am.

Fav 62 31764 1917
share tweet
(386): View more from Florida

after he passed out we removed everything electronic from his room, stuck in some old books and an ancient typewriter from goodwill. for 20 min. we had him convinced he'd drunk himself backward in time.

Fav 60 37317 1624
share tweet
(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

Fav 52 38162 2303
share tweet
(864): View more from South Carolina

So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"

Fav 176 53650 6693
share tweet
(513): View more from Ohio

You tried to wear your Jesus costume into Family Christian stores and say it was a book signing.

Fav 81 46058 2515
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

Fav 210 33065 3529
share tweet
(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

Fav 98 42077 2247
share tweet
(607): View more from New York

Just saw actual Chinese people doing a Chinese firedrill. Good day.

Fav 29 34808 1713
share tweet
(315): View more from New York

So i just bought beer on a credit card, using a fake ID, while wearing my nametag from work. All 3 have different names on them. God i love my boobs.

Fav 125 44238 1934
share tweet
(434): View more from Virginia

why are there goldfish crackers all over my bed?

(540): View more from Virginia

you decided you wanted to name them & keep them as pets.

Fav 43 29391 1935
share tweet
(443): View more from Maryland

We just walked into this party and immediately got handed a grilled cheese sandwhich....

Fav 100 39353 1769
share tweet
(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

Fav 214 53079 3393
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

Fav 207 53710 3599
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

so the guy behind me in court for my DUI hearing got a DUI on a lawnmower at 1AM...he is my new hero

Fav 71 40820 2202
share tweet
(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard a guy discussing with someone else the amazing blow job you gave him. I’m in New York. Over 2 hours away from where you live. I have never been more proud.

Fav 50 49690 1932
share tweet
(512): View more from Texas

i just sat at a stop sign for 10 minutes waiting for it to turn green. i need to STOP SMOKING THIS SHIT.

Fav 205 41515 3928
share tweet
(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

Fav 109 45413 2757
share tweet
(570): View more from Pennsylvania

why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?

(1-570): View more from Pennsylvania

you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911

Fav 109 41378 2662
share tweet
(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

Fav 83 51208 2739
share tweet
(516): View more from New York

Thank God they found balloon boy, I was afraid that Michael Jackson was ordering take out from heaven.

Fav 280 55474 5258
share tweet
(401): View more from Rhode Island

This is a mass text. Does anyone know where I am?

Fav 116 67828 4684
share tweet
(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

Fav 202 82800 5241
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

Fav 290 63940 5489
share tweet
(847): View more from Illinois

i took some ambien and I TRIPPED out...i went into my mom's room to say goodnight and i don't remember anything...she said that i got really pissed at her because we were living in the Keebler elf tree and she was visiting other trees, then i started laughing hysterically and she goes "whats so funny?" and i go "there are 7 people sitting on my knees" and she goes "doesn't that hurt?" and i said "no we're sitting in a bowl" and then i capped it off and said "join the crazy train bro" and passed out.

Fav 510 88708 9682
share tweet
(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

Fav 445 115822 11197
share tweet
(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

Fav 1642 173866 44318
share tweet
(507): View more from Minnesota

i actually just woke up with a lampshade on my head. god damn cliches.

Fav 14 6639 1118
share tweet
(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

Fav 39 6425 1394
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

I just figured I'd let u know that you bought a yacht on ebay last night

Fav 43 10546 3435
share tweet
(815): View more from Illinois

Someone in my class is wearing shirt and on the back it says...National Bible Quiz Finalist 2006. Do you really expect me to find a guy here

Fav 36 1247 6534
share tweet
(609): View more from New Jersey

So chef boyardee smells exactly the same after you throw it up

(1-609): View more from New Jersey

i literally discovered the exact same thing last week. i had the lasagna one

(609): View more from New Jersey

ravioli

Fav 38 5400 3035
share tweet
(813): View more from Florida

y-o-u-r-e = you are, y-o-u-r = your. you are a bag of douche not your bag of douche. if you're going to insult me at least do it in proper english. that is all.

Fav 125 15638 1771
share tweet
(360): View more from Washington

He started yelling "fuck the environment" then puked all over the baby trees

Fav 19 5246 3053
share tweet
(203): View more from Connecticut

my hot student got the clitoris wrong on the lab practical...so it kinda makes me not want to pursue it

(973): View more from New Jersey

just because he can't find it on a cat, doesn't mean he can't find it on you

Fav 60 2389 5421
share tweet
(646): View more from New York

lets make a pact to never make a pregnancy pact

Fav 26 7160 1106
share tweet
(330): View more from Ohio

Theres someone in the car behind me eating corn on the cob & talking on the phone

Fav 68 6773 1887
share tweet