Texts From Last Night · kazkayde's Favorites

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kazkayde's Favorites Texts:

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(419): View more from Ohio

Please come collect your inebriated significant other. He just sleep-farted and scared my cats. Please hurry.

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(303): View more from Colorado

If they could bottle a hangover it would taste exactly like lemon lime Gatorade and failed hopes and dreams

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(704): View more from North Carolina

no we have a special triathlon I'm entering us in. drinking, fucking, and sleeping. I think we have a good shot.

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(325): View more from Texas

I don't know which I need first...a shower or a confessional.

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(801): View more from Utah

The amount of effort it's taking me to not shit my pants this morning is probably a sign to slow down the drinking

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm so hungover I can't taste anything

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(224): View more from Illinois

He started french braiding my hair while I was blowing him. The question is not why, but how.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

omg I just had an epiphany about why I grew into such a whore....

(774): View more from Massachusetts

HAVE YOU EVER NOTICED WHAT THE SPICE GIRLS USED TO WEAR?!? those were my idols, I never stood a chance

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I had a dream about masturbating with toys I can't afford.

(910): View more from North Carolina

My sex life and finances are equally in shambles.

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(408): View more from California

I'm starting to think that birthday sex is just an urban legend. Like the boogey man, and woman orgasms.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dont get mad at me, it takes two to tango

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

IT TAKES ONE TO EJACULATE INTO THE OTHER WITHOUT CONSENT, AND SPOILER ALERT, ITS THE ONE WITH A SCROTUM FULL OF SEMEN.

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(315): View more from New York

turns out my ex girlfriend has become my most successful wingman. life is fuckin weird sometimes

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(315): View more from New York

you kept saying how you wanted to mainline bacardi right into your bloodstream. medical school is doing wonderful things to your brain

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(914): View more from New York

She had like a side ponytail and hoop earrings though. And legwarmers. Like a horrible 80s nightmare. Don't drink and dream, dude.

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(812): View more from Indiana

She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.

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(315): View more from New York

we were both freshly single and using each other as rebounds. most intense sex I've ever had. i felt like a grizzly bear emerging from hibernation in a whirlwind of sexual fury

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

How long have I been using my debit card as a coaster?

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(309): View more from Illinois

I told you you to bring something to share....you brought tequila and a condom

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(702): View more from Nevada

you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment

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(330): View more from Ohio

I started a USA chant at the bar last night for no reason, other than being plastered. Within 15 seconds, I was standing on a table and the whole bar was chanting but nobody knew why.

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(562): View more from California

I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

I had no idea he had such passive aggressive animalistic tendencies. This is the human equivalent of peeing on someone.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

They're magnificent. It's like god made her last but hadn't fulfilled his boob quota.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I told him the only reason I'd sleep with him is if we have a threesome because I'll need moral support

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm crying and shaving my Bronco playoff beard

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(+42): View more from

I have been drunk every time I've gone to mexico. I do not remember mexico.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I can make a sex schedule on Excel and send it to you guys

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(858): View more from California

Thank you for letting me get drunk enough to forget he was there tonight, but not drunk enough to make a complete fool of myself.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

If my bootycall doesn't bring over a Baconnator, I swear to fucking God, I'm not letting him in. The hunger is that real. Forget his Persian dick.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Dear God, please let me get my period. And if this one is fiercer than usual I completely understand.

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(586): View more from Michigan

She asked if she should pack the condoms, I told her I plan on drinking so much that it won't be possible.

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(613): View more from Ontario

Dude, my ex girlfriend showed up, bought me a tequila shot, made out with me and then disappeared into the night. Then her current girlfriend saw, so she came over and slapped me and then I made out with her too

(613): View more from Ontario

This was before halftime

(613): View more from Ontario

I RUINED A LESBIAN RELATIONSHIP BEFORE HALFTIME

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(303): View more from Colorado

Being sober is boring. Tomorrow I'm def bringing wine and my vibrator to work. Might even booty call that hot guy on floor 5. Making the last week at this job legendary.

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(+45): View more from Denmark

I was laying out of the open window, talking with him on the phone, while we were both puking at the same time.. Guys at the party called it "true love"..

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(661): View more from California

I've come to realize sober is a rare time of the day.

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(258): View more from

I need an adult. someone more adult than my current state

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(519): View more from Ontario

i want to live in a society where a 20 year old can wear pigtails and not get them called handlebars, because i look fucking adorable in them.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Nicole, you can't keep coming over at 3am wanting to build igloos.

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(703): View more from Virginia

just broke no shave november. hello backed up drain december.

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(817): View more from Texas

Did you put 9lbs of birdseed all over my car?

(1-817): View more from Texas

You weighed it?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Woke up in a pile of people on the floor. His dad was already up and ask me to help him cook bacon because "7 lbs can be a mother fucker"

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

I either need to get adopted or have someone's baby, but I'm joining that family

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(314): View more from Missouri

You are a booty call, not a friend.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.

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(516): View more from New York

He's listening to "my heart will go on" by himself in the living and its not even noon. MAKE IT STOP.

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(315): View more from New York

I ate the snowman's head. That is not a drug euphemism.

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(253): View more from Washington

If you like her enough, bring her with. If not, eloquently cunt punt that bitch through the field goals of life.

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(951): View more from California

Is adulthood just morning sex and then walking through the grocery store 20 min later looking for something to take to work for lunch?

(951): View more from California

...and then running into your dad at said grocery store...

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(310): View more from California

but seriously ill do anyone in one of those hats with the earflaps.

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(510): View more from California

how many people can say they bit their tattoo off?

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(541): View more from Oregon

No, dude. Even Jesus hates Creed.

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(512): View more from Texas

There are so many Jimmy John's employees here

(1-512): View more from Texas

Where are you?

(512): View more from Texas

Jimmy John's.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

you are my patron saint of "too drunk for 9am". i just keep asking myself what would alyssa do as i try to regain motor function

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(404): View more from Georgia

Did you survive the Atlanta roadway snowpocalypse?

(770): View more from Georgia

All the bars are closed. Might as well be dead.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

No seriously you guys are gonna get arrested

(612): View more from Minnesota

Do me a favor I want you to reach down the front of your pants and underwear and just feel around for a while... if you happen to find your balls then join us

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

I believe you would have been proud of me last night.. I was chasin Fireball shots with Jack and Coke. Guess there's a reason they call me Whiskey Woman.

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(543): View more from

So you're saying you don't want to be with her anymore because she likes sex to much and is just to hot?

(256): View more from Alabama

Well when you say it that way it makes me sound like an idiot.

(543): View more from

You are an idiot.

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(937): View more from Ohio

He's like... An octopus that touches my vagina in all these diff ways at the right times. It's almost unsettling

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(917): View more from New York City

SORRY! Pervert came out for a bit. BAD PERVERT! BACK IN YOUR HOME!

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What should we drink tonight, I'm in the mood to be judged

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(805): View more from California

I told him he was like my favorite pair of jeans; I may not wear them every day, but I'll never get rid of them and they make my ass look fantastic. Needless to say he was not thrilled.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I tried getting kicked out of my favorite bar. No matter what I did, I could do no wrong

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(+61): View more from Australia

Look, as flattering as it is, I'm getting a little tired of being everyone's go-to girl for a threesome.

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(210): View more from Texas

Sitting in bed reading a porn novel off my phone and accidentally just made Siri start reading the most graphic part aloud. FUN FIRST NIGHT WITH THE NEW ROOMIE.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

stop sending me battleship coordinates and get back here so i can suck your dick

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(212): View more from New York

You have to understand, he didn't so much come out of the closet as he backflipped out of it with an accompanying marching band.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I've discovered my ability to crush a man's ego is greater than my hate for beer.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Nice just gets you lonely or dead. I don't like those options.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Just high watching the holiday fireplace channel. My space heater lends authenticity to the fire experience. Come over.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So the dentist told me I couldn't suck on anything. She emphasized ANYthing.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I was barred out and drunk as fuck locked out at 3am in my Indian costume. It was literally freezing outside. I laid down on the concrete and made a bonfire with dry leaves. Then proceeded to ask.the.bonfire nicely to "please dont go out". Drunk me went strait up survival mode.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I have discovered that there is nothing that a giant penis attached to a southern accent can't talk me into. yee-haw!

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

All in all only spent $2 at the bar ln... Fucking love having a vagina

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I shaved my pussy for you. If you complain about a single hair that I missed again, you will be greeted by a bush the next time you go down on me and i will MAKE YOU KEEP GOING

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(925): View more from California

it is basically gonna be an ugly Christmas sweater rave

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(276): View more from Virginia

LESSON OF THE DAY: Saying Everclear gets you out of explaining anything.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Turns out he has a 6pack too. Alright adorable snapchatting manwhore dude, you win.

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(970): View more from Colorado

Yeeeaahhh, I'm in no rush to dismiss a level 6 booty-call that pays my bar tabs and understands my Harry Potter obsession.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Don't worry about it. Anal sex isn't always sunshine and wildflowers.

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(214): View more from Texas

Oh and an honorable mention for your father's porn collection. Things I'll never forget.

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(361): View more from Texas

I can't tell if I'm still on the hangover from last night, or if I'm experiencing the one from tomorrow, because it was so powerful that it actually traveled back through time...

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(440): View more from Ohio

he sent me the greatest dick pic I've ever received.

(440): View more from Ohio

he actually took the time to cut a fingertip off of a glove then put it on his dick like a beanie. he called it hipster dick.

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(631): View more from New York

I think my favorite day of the week is the day we get to fuck

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Maybe. I want to have sex at the fire station, most likely on one of the trucks. I wonder if I can finagle that before I tire of the spelling and grammatical errors in his texts.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I just ironed my gstring.. this is please fuck my brains out on a whole new level.

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(519): View more from Ontario

You know why nobody comes up with Sober October? Other than it's Oktoberfest? Because Sober October doesn't benefit anyone, just like your judgment isn't benefiting me. I'll talk to you in November. Unless you make up another alcoholless month.

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(563): View more from Iowa

So my nipple piercings were only $20 because it's breast cancer awareness month. Fuck yes!

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(360): View more from Washington

If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.

(503): View more from Oregon

Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!

(360): View more from Washington

A cheater.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

How are you not embarrassed to know me. I'm a mess right now. I'm a walking, talking tornado of embarrassment

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Happy you have kids and I don't day!

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just puked so hard I pissed myself. Outta my ass. I just won hangover of the century.

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(817): View more from Texas

We're pretty much just dating until one of our ex's wants us back

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(510): View more from California

I feel like you're gonna be reading this at 6 AM in a ditch or under a bridge, but please remember...I offered to drive you home. And you said no.

(707): View more from California

The sad thing is that it's 6:45 and you're not far off.

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(636): View more from Missouri

You don't understand. On her lunch break she sits on the roof, stares into the sky, and chain smokes. I can't get on her level. She is made up of java monsters with whiskey and a voice that sounds like sex.

(314): View more from Missouri

You need to stop crushing on your boss or fuck her.

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(212): View more from New York

It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.

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(646): View more from New York

Is 1:30 too early for the bar?

(718): View more from New York

Do you want my opinion or society's?

(646): View more from New York

I want your company

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(973): View more from New Jersey

SHUN THE NONBELIEVERS. THUS SAYS THE NIPPLE LORD

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I better not get a vid of you penile helicoptering

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be there in a few.

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I'M COUNTING TO FEW.

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(416): View more from Toronto

feelin groggy baby? need a coffee? vitamins? a nice good fuck on the piano?

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(602): View more from Arizona

Good morning! Just thought I'd give you my yearly reminder that we lost our virginities 7 years ago, yesterday.

(316): View more from Kansas

That's the best creepy text ever.

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(657): View more from California

He's both a cowboy and a firefighter. Saying "no" was not an option.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happy Birthday. May your liver respect you, fat bitches neglect you, hangovers reject you, and AA accept you.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm promoting my liver to CEO of my body cause it clearly works harder than anything else.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Never have i felt more judged than when i was throwing up in front of a hello kitty shower curtain at 5 in the morn

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(334): View more from Alabama

You'd love her. She's outspoken like us. And appreciates a big penis and a strong drink.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Did u know it's unconstitutional to turn down a shot during 4th of July celebrations.. Rest now dear liver

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Pedi-lyte stocked

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So lets not base feelings on vagina tingles

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(850): View more from Florida

The puppy is a lightweight. 3 beers and he's passed out on the floor already. I repeat, the puppy is a lightweight.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I Pavlov-trained him by smacking him in the nuts anytime I caught him looking at another girl in public. To this day, he's afraid to break eye contact with me in a restaurant if a tall busty blonde walks in.

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

just saw a sign in the bar that says "no more naked fridays". Where the fuck was I on these naked fridays?

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

my parents have to start far too many of our conversations with the sentence "this is an observation, not a judgment" than I'm proud of

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(229): View more from Georgia

I think I just wanna go buy some jack at the liquor store, come home, take my pants off, and not give a shit about stuff

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(561): View more from Florida

Pain in my heart, regret in my vagina

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(515): View more from Iowa

Girl I love you like I've been drinking all day

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(415): View more from California

I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week

(1-415): View more from California

I don't deserve you.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Dude. Cvs sells sex toys. And my discount works on them. Game on.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Last night I dressed up as a cowgirl and walked into McDonald's. I bought 20 mcribs. There's pictures

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(562): View more from California

I bought something for you today. You'll love it.

(909): View more from California

What is it? Drugs?

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(443): View more from Maryland

Taco trucks are like ice cream trucks for drunk adults. They should have a mariachi tune they play super loud to bring people out of the bars for tacos.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i think the sex is so good because i get a contact high just from fucking him

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Crappy Mother's Day to you! Those of us who don't have children fill the void with hot sex, sleeping in, more sex, leisurely suntanning, foreign travel, overseas sex, paying cash for sports cars, watching TV, having sex on the floor in front of TV porn, lounging around the house, or whatever the hell we want.

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(513): View more from Ohio

You're a five foot adderall and caffeine fueled ball of sexual frustration and suppressed rage. It's only a matter of time before you snap. We're taking bets on when.

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(618): View more from Illinois

My mom just found my nipple clamps...... oh God why....

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Don't pretend you don't want to dance on the edge of overdose all three nights

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(702): View more from Nevada

Pretty sure I'm about to get another tattoo. It'll have mom in there somewhere for Mother's Day.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Did I mention I should never take 5 Xanax and drink?

(1-913): View more from Kansas

I sort of figured that out when I found you sitting on the roof of your house saying we could get in through the skylight while I called the locksmith.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You passed out in my bathroom last night. I put a towel over your face so I could shit without it being gay

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(253): View more from Washington

I have a gyno appt today. I hate it when the Army gets involved with my vagina.

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(660): View more from Missouri

On duty sugar tits. A Marine never abandons his post to take nudi pics.

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(512): View more from Texas

I'm thinking he has to buy me dinner at least twice before i even start considering casting him for "Fuck buddy - understudy."

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(907): View more from Alaska

according to last night, I underestimated the size of my mouth and the possibilities of what can fit into it.

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(912): View more from Georgia

Dude, for twins they have shockingly different blowjob styles.

(404): View more from Georgia

STOP FUCKING MY SISTERS!!!!

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(647): View more from Ontario

btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Congratulations, you've begun to unfuck your life.

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(281): View more from Texas

Let's go dancing. I wanna sprain an ankle. And a labia. My labia or yours. I'm not picky.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It took me half an hour to realize I didnt know them

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(702): View more from Nevada

we def had a heart to heart that turned into a BJ last night

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I CAN'T FUCK HIM OUTSIDE. THAT'S FOR PEASANTS. HE'S TOO FAMOUS FOR THAT.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I'm so tired I just poured monster in my coffee.

(708): View more from Illinois

And it tastes incredible.

(708): View more from Illinois

And I have chest pains.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.

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(+61): View more from Australia

On another note, why did I wake up wrapped in bubble wrap. I can only assume it was for my own safety

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(419): View more from Ohio

currently shading my boobs to make it look like i have mass cleavage...thanks art school

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(586): View more from Michigan

Children cease to be precious when they crap their shorts in the pool I exercise at.

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(815): View more from Illinois

yea talk to her if you feel up to it. Just remember who you are

(815): View more from Illinois

Oh shit sorry I just gave lion king advice sorry not mufasa

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Body paints and jello. Your canvas awaits

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Another sexterpiece awaits

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(330): View more from Ohio

After a certain point, you just want to make it work. Prove to yourself that you're smarter than the vibrator.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

He didn't dress up but kept finding random pieces of costumes on the floor at each club. He was an 80s hair band warrior at the end of the night.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I just helped a group of highschool stoners find a safe place to smoke I feel like a responsible rolemodel

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(520): View more from Arizona

We tried the hang n bang, remember? You ruined it by crying and telling me you loved me while blowing me.

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(469): View more from Texas

I'm going through a really dark time right now

(214): View more from Texas

I don't want to hear it man. I just jerked it to a pic of my ex wife in a bikini. Buck up

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(310): View more from California

When you finally get laid, I shall make you a trophy out of dildos

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(301): View more from Maryland

Damn you and your marathon penis with its superhuman capabilities

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(330): View more from Ohio

listen. he fixes things. buys me drinks and sticks his penis in my vagina. age means nothing at this low point in my life.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Honestly, if you can handle putting socks on you can handle a condom.

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(907): View more from Alaska

There should be an open time period where you show each other your goods and it's totally socially acceptable to bail.

(307): View more from Wyoming

I wholeheartedly concur

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(917): View more from New York City

I can't even express how horny I am. The English language isn't equipped for what I'm plotting.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Im invoking the "no judgements" clause of our friendship.

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

My god, what have you done?

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(954): View more from Florida

direct quote from andrew "you know i can't hear when i drink whiskey"

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(440): View more from Ohio

Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!

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(404): View more from Georgia

Don't act like you're not jealous that I disappeared into the closet to blow my husband. Marriage = all the cock I want.

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(817): View more from Texas

Life is so difficult sometimes. Can you imagine? Going through life, constantly creating boners everywhere you go.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I am a 5'4" ball of sexual frustration and vodka. It is that kind of night.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok, so technically yes she wore a red tank top to the stoplight party. But under it was a yellow bra and green panties.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's Been clinically proven that people who have sex 6 or more times per week are happier than those who don't. Just and FYI. For your mental health. From a soon so be psychologist. Who is drunk.

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(618): View more from Illinois

There no better feeling of self control than stopping yourself before telling your girlfriend she gives head just like her sister.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I have got to stop taking so many uppers and downers simultaneously. My life is a Dali painting.

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(773): View more from Illinois

All I want to do on Facebook today is comment on people I knew in high schools profile pictures and tell them how much uglier they are now.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

not only are you not the girl i fell in love with, but from the looks of it, you ate her

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(949): View more from California

Babe, the 4 years we've been together have been amazing. Will you marry me?

(1-949): View more from California

are you seriously doing this over text message

(949): View more from California

hahaha no, but i am dumping you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Tonight i am praying for god to turn my pussy into apple pie because i cant count the number of times bruce chooses food over sex.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Being this Hungover on Easter has brought my closer to Jesus... I swear he had to feel shitty like this after coming back from the dead

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(586): View more from Michigan

at the bar. watching boys pee in urinals. when they come out we give them a thumbs up or a thumbs down. probbb shouldn't prop the bathroom door open with a bar stool....

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(734): View more from Michigan

If his smile makes you freak out and drop things imagine what his penis could do

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(586): View more from Michigan

Apparently it's bring your ugly annoying ass piece of shit slob of a baby day at work

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(651): View more from Minnesota

It happened again.

(612): View more from Minnesota

What?

(651): View more from Minnesota

I lost in a drinking contest with my 84 year old grandmother. Two years in a row now.

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(619): View more from California

Whoever labeled dysfunctional a bad thing obviously never saw this frinedship coming.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I don't think you should be sorry for such memorable sex that I yell your name when you aren't around.

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(443): View more from Maryland

I'm a gentlemen, chivalry is what i do, i'll open the door, pull out your chair, buy your drinks, i'll even go down first, but when it comes to mario kart, i draw the line. I'm sorry but i just can't let you beat me at mario kart

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

just gave a yankee's fan wrong directions to Fenway....welcome to boston asshole

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(541): View more from Oregon

my math teacher staples burger king applications to failed tests

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(214): View more from Texas

Sex on bubble wrap = best decision ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The psychic I saw today told me NOT to text the guy I haven't heard from yet since our first date this weekend b/c it wouldn't go anywhere...Miller light said otherwise. Miller light > Cleo

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(613): View more from Ontario

you are the best fuck buddy i could have, all the others get feelings and morals involved

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Welcome to the difference between being FWBs (remember how we used to see who could get more lap dances a night?) and being in a relationship. Fun, huh?

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(303): View more from Colorado

We are casual work acquaintances that occasionally fuck when the urge strikes. CWATOFWTUS. I know FWB rolls off the tongue better but it is what it is.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How many of my tattoos need to be visible for an outfit to be considered "see-through"?

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(812): View more from Indiana

I need to stop drinking alone, I wrote a love letter to my tattoos

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(512): View more from Texas

If I see one more duchette wearing Ed Hardy, but not actually having a real tattoo. I swear Im gonna shank a bitch.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

She was kinda cute. So long as you don't mind neck tattoos and bad life choices.

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(510): View more from California

Im sick of reading dumb tattoos while having sex

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fun fact: tonight on intervention was the guy who did my tattoo

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(613): View more from Ontario

She had a maple leaf tattoo behind her ear and told me she liked my "playoff beard".

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only in Canada would your laziness be applied to hockey and rewarded.

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(518): View more from New York

just saw a girl with a lower back tattoo of the boondock saints prayer.. i will marry her

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Her next conquest seems to be stealing her ex-boyfriend's new girlfriend. Pretty sure everyone involved is totally OK with this.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Can we please start going to the gym before I accidentally kill someone via explosive fat girl pants button accident

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(815): View more from Illinois

Her craziness is the sexiest thing about her.

(507): View more from Minnesota

I can't wait to read your obituary.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, I found out that my dad has the name of every boy that I've ever dated and their physical description, car type and tag number stored in his computer.

(770): View more from Georgia

Apparently Angela went missing once and he says he learned were to look first and that it's best to have information on hand.

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(616): View more from Michigan

My condoms might be a little big for you but hey, a big sweater is better than no sweater at all when it's cold right?

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(956): View more from Texas

I used my tears to chase my tequila. You could say I rallied.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

The point remains that this is the setup for some great stories

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Or terrible, horrifying, traumatic experiences

(919): View more from North Carolina

great clearly means different things to us

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(530): View more from California

that's where you went wrong. never assume I'm adult enough to do something on my own.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Happy birthday, you long dick monster

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

On a scale of one to liver failure, how bad would it be if I played thunderstruck alone?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Go for it! You're young. Have fun. Be somebody's expensive hobby like Anastasia Steele.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I feel like if tampons weren't meant to be microwaved, they'd have a warning on the box, so we should be okay...

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(260): View more from Indiana

He is full of southern hospitality and I want to be full of him.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with

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(541): View more from Oregon

I actually have to watch Breaking Bad to make me feel better about my choices last night.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

She bent over while grinding on me on the dance floor and her thong straps were hanging out, I thought it was a good idea to grab the straps with both hands and pretend to be riding in Santa's sleigh...not my brightest moment.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Would it be inappropriate to do a science fair project on whether the type of drunk a person is is determined by nature or nurture

(410): View more from Maryland

dude you're not even a fucking science major

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(248): View more from Michigan

Notice: I will be intoxicated and in your area this evening. To unsubscribe from my sexual solicitation list, reply 'fuck off'.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know. I guess at the end of the day I wanted taco bell more than a boyfriend.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Totally get that.

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(248): View more from Michigan

My plan for valentine's day: take a shot for every guy I've slept with. To keep me from going to the hospital I'm only doing half a shot for small dicks

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm having salsa con queso and a leftover half-drank/flat red bull for breakfast. Nothing you propose doing today would be a downgrade.

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(515): View more from Iowa

she broke up with me the week she got divorced. maybe I should grab a beer with her ex

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(734): View more from Michigan

This isn't just a hangover. I can feel the blood moving through my veins, and it hurts.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I don't know how or when he is sober long enough to donate plasma

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(480): View more from Arizona

You need an intervention. You fell into traffic walking home.

(602): View more from Arizona

Not really. Birthday weekend. Totally jusifiable. Besides I didn't get hit. No harm no foul.

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(585): View more from New York

you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'm at Home Depot to get supplies to fix the wall we cracked by fucking too hard against the bookshelf.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I give you full permission to seriously injure me the next time I think it's a good idea to face a bottle of vodka

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(510): View more from California

Thank you for FINALLY joining the Slutasorus Rex club in this conversation.

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(925): View more from California

Babe.. You are farting in your sleep and it literally smells like something crawled up your asshole and died.. I'm gagging and I feel like I'm eating your fart right now. I want to tape your ass cheeks shut and plug up that canon you call your ass. All I hear is snores and farts.. You are lucky I love you

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(859): View more from Kentucky

She stumbled into class and Google image searched nipple piercings for the entire 75 minutes

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You kept running up to married couples, taking their pictures and begging for them not to get divorced

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(904): View more from Florida

It sounds like drunken magic sprinkled w narcotics

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

For the sake of my mom, I can't sleep with two guys with the same name. She has a hard enough time keeping up as it is

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Buying a pregnancy test at Walmart in the middle of the night in the middle of Tennessee is not really how I imagined my 25th year on this planet starting out...

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(513): View more from Ohio

You need Xanax blowdarts

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(574): View more from Indiana

how many times have i told you.. they dont like when you laugh during sex

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We are so blessed to to have nicely shaped vaginas

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

I thank god almighty everyday

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(631): View more from New York

She was to tired for head so she opted for a footjob with poor results. I dont want to talk about it

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(253): View more from Washington

want to know what my life has come to? I just took a 45 min shower banging on the walls and making loud sex noises so my neighbors think I get some.

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(770): View more from Georgia

The ranger made you choose between a ticket and pouring all the beer out since it was a state park.

(770): View more from Georgia

I've never seen you that close to tears as you poured out 30 beers.

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(248): View more from Michigan

For the record, it's NEVER ok to discuss my stripper-related injuries with my fiance.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You always seem to be able to bribe me with tequila and Mac and cheese. This relationship of ours will cause me health problems someday.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Ive never seen one person more proud of themselves of peeing in public and getting away with it.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I've honestly never felt so much emotion towards a wall

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(519): View more from Ontario

Youll thank me when youre dead an dont have a cat eating your face

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(619): View more from California

I'm about to start putting my tampons in the microwave for a few seconds these plastics applicators and this weather don't mix

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(415): View more from California

Nothing like waking up naked and alone on your floor to remind you that you make life mistakes often.

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(309): View more from Illinois

Everyone is now just referring to it as "the night Hannah couldn't get laid" so needless to say you didn't miss much

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(248): View more from Michigan

Tonight's trip to the ER was brought to you by, "fork jousting."

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(248): View more from Michigan

I literally recorded a toilet flushing to make it his ringtone to remind me what a piece of shit he is

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(248): View more from Michigan

Just got a picture message from my sister of the two of us wearing cowboy hats and pressing our bare asses together. Do you remember enough to explain?

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(248): View more from Michigan

My pussy is making all kinds of justifications that my mind would have no patience for if it was still in charge

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(248): View more from Michigan

No, I did not fuck him for football tickets. I fucked him for tickets to the superbowl. I'm not that much of a slut.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Update: it wasn't just our driver. This ticket confirms that the Royal Oak PD also found our behavior on the party bus to be "Lewd and Indecent."

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(248): View more from Michigan

Well, I'm getting my ex-boyfriend to get me a z pack to cure the chlamydia I got from my married fuck buddy so that I can fuck one of my students.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Charles Darwin would shit his pants if he saw that we managed to survive that weekend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

It's fine...I've done worse things to better people.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is this like a "I'm taking you out to dinner and treating you with respect" kind of date, or is this a "I'm gonna fill you with alcohol and cheese and stuff my dick in your anus" kind of date?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Its bad when you wake up with a penis drawn on your face. Its worse when you find out its traced..

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(248): View more from Michigan

THIS ISN'T WORKING THIS IS THE DRUNK LEADING THE DRUNK

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(248): View more from Michigan

I asked him how his night was and he sent me a picture of a bottle of Ciroc with a bendy straw...

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. I'm drinking straight up vodka right now. With a pineapple in it.

(1248): View more from

That'll put some boobs in that bra.

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(248): View more from Michigan

No. Mother. Fucking. Jello shots. Just no. I'm not falling into that trap again.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Alright whatever you say... But in the future when you really wish you had a dildo don't come crying to me about it.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Matt. This is the manager of qdoba. Pick up the phone. Your friend needs you.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

You asked me to text you at 11 and remind you that he's 33. It's 11:20. He's 33.

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

you're too late. he has eggnog and whiskey and all seven seasons of buffy. I shan't be coming home tonight

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(770): View more from Georgia

How many people slept in the bouncy castle last night?

(678): View more from Georgia

4 guys, 1 girl. Pretty sure were gonna have to pay the cleaning fee

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(940): View more from Texas

I am sufficiently unimpressed with the options available to my freshly shaved self tonight.

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(807): View more from Ontario

It's like god made him fantastic at oral to make up for what his mouth does the rest of the time.

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(818): View more from California

No...this little piggys going to the bar

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(443): View more from Maryland

I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!

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(205): View more from Alabama

A beer is a heart your wish makes!!!

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?

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(+61): View more from Australia

Leaving the phone at home last night was the best decision I ever made.... Though I still managed to text her and now I have 2 phones...

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(361): View more from Texas

I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'

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(+61): View more from Australia

I figure that my generation of my family needs an alcoholic. I'll take that burden.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i don't even know why we got arrested this time. i think the cops just like our company at this point

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(305): View more from Florida

The owner of this phone is no longer accepting texts from liars, assholes or married men. You figure out which one applies.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I'm wearing red that night.

(301): View more from Maryland

Noted, what shade?

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Whore.

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(419): View more from Ohio

i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me

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(510): View more from California

stop changing my ringtone to people fucking, it looks bad at work

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(619): View more from California

there are too many children here to make this hangover-friendly

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(503): View more from Oregon

If the world would stop letting me feel invincible I would probably stop doing this shit.

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(206): View more from Washington

My present? It was a fake boarding pass he made in Photoshop. He litterally just gave me a one way ticket to Pound Town

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I deleted his number so I had to go into my old voicemails which are saved through my gmail and search his name... Never underestimate the resourcefulness of a drunk girl on a mission for dick

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(818): View more from California

WHAT DID YOU SAW VERBATIM. VERBATIM IS SOBER FOR WORD FOR WORD

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

pretend your vagina is a choco taco and the guy is someone who really loves choco tacos. let him enjoy the choco taco.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I just want to fuck you then discuss implications of our existence afterwards. Then Doritos and hot tub.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I'm sorry, our booty call lines closed at 2 am. If you are receiving this message it is our off hours. Please try again between the hours of 12pm and 2 am to reschedule your booty call. Thank you for your cooperation.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Just hit on a fat chick so shed buy me a drink. Then i walked away. Nice to see how the other half lives.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

we found you under the sink... we opened up the doors and you told us to go away because you were playing indian in the cupboard

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(240): View more from Maryland

SOS. HE HAS PASSED OUT AND IS LYING ON TOP OF ME. HE IS STILL INSIDE. HELP

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(407): View more from Florida

I want someone to sweep me off my feet and you want someone to fuck you on the kitchen table. They're both perfectly logical needs.

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(510): View more from California

well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She walked into class late sat down for 5 min muttered 'oh i cant do this' and walked out. She looked like death.

(715): View more from Wisconsin

We should party with her soon

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(979): View more from Texas

It's been hot as balls outside. It's like getting tea bagged by the Sun.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The ultimate Father's Day bonding experience: Both getting bailed out of jail by mom for mooning some shithead cop.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I've taken the art of car peeing to new heights

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(678): View more from Georgia

My phone broke again .... im not really sure how im going 2 explain the teeth marks to the ppl at the Verizon store

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(440): View more from Ohio

I think I should just accept my destiny that I'm going to be someone's second wife

(440): View more from Ohio

My tits sealed my fate

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(719): View more from Colorado

there's no way I could forget finding someone else's hand in my pants

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(607): View more from New York

I'm doing the Macarena naked in my living room right now

(315): View more from New York

I see you're taking unemployment seriously.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

WHY DIDN'T YOU INVITE ME TO RUN THROUGH TACO BELL'S SPRINKLERS AT 4AM?!

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I have no idea. I think this is what happens when people take drugs in the middle of the day

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

This is the minute she broke up with me. If you're receiving this mass text, you are one for the girls who made me promise to text you at this point.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Gave him an awesome blow job on his living room couch last night, so at least he'll have something nice to think about next time he's watching the Tigers lose.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My middle name is suave and my vagina shoots rainbows, what else would you expect?

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(847): View more from Illinois

All inclusive resorts are actually just places that livers go to die.

(773): View more from Illinois

that bad?

(847): View more from Illinois

u-n-l-i-m-i-t-e-d. f-r-e-e. t-e-q-u-i-l-a.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

The fact that I found him in his Ninja Turtles t-shirt next to six empty and obviously consumed packs of EasyMac watching reruns of Becker certainly made telling him that I wanted a divorce so much easier than I had planned.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if they have a "21st birthday" section in the hospital..

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(845): View more from New York

They upped the price of Plan B! Rite-aid is going to be the reason I have illegitimate kids.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Tinkerbell just flew up to me and tickled my balls. What the fuck did we smoke?

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(954): View more from Florida

Fuck you. You would only tell me how to get to your house in Spanish.

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(417): View more from Missouri

Even with having the shower running and music on everyone could hear the alcohol gods making me sacrifice my dignity and meals from the past week.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Ok the fact that you know THAT phrase perfectly is terrifying. You just proved you can slut it up in mulitiple languages.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she went apple picking. why dont we do cute things like that? let's go to a pumpkin patch!

(508): View more from Massachusetts

because we're not cute. we're sluts. and sluts don't go apple picking.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I feel like my uterus is decaying in my body

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Mass text to all of my back up boy toys. First one here wins. Mama needs some.

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(760): View more from California

don't trust your eyes. just sniff them. if they smell like axe, they are broke, move on to the next.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just had a 40 min argument about how many celebrity guest appearances on Sesame Street were court ordered for DUIs.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Having a vagina does not stop me from believeing my balls are bigger than yours.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

got one for peeing in public....called the cop a donut dunking communist...should be a fun court appearance

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(518): View more from New York

It was relaxing until your penis crawled in my ear.

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(951): View more from California

All she said was "the usual?" and unzipped my pants.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

I am 48% hangover, 48% bruises and 2% fingers I'm texting with.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Depending on hangover severity. The fact that I can spell severity is in your favor.

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(574): View more from Indiana

there really is only one way to give a PowerPoint presentation in your senior capstone class: still drunk.

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(240): View more from Maryland

I'm home with mono, wearing knee high socks, shorts, a stained old shirt, and a surgical mask. He comes over ANYWAY with soup, a gas mask, billions of DVDs, and eats me out. He's either stupid, whipped, or i'm just THAT good.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He goes "sorry was at the gym. Some of us workout " and I wanted to text him back and go "well some of us do occasional drugs so we don't have to"

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(702): View more from Nevada

You need Jesus. Or a midol and a snickers. Whichever.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Happiness is watching your asshole boss' police DUI video.

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(563): View more from Iowa

This would be a good time to bring up the fact that my spider-man fork is MIA

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(928): View more from Arizona

You know it's bad when I can already feel tomorrow's hangover before even drinking today.

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(207): View more from Maine

Let's get really high and wear fake mustaches and try not to laugh at each other...

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(731): View more from Tennessee

Tonight, I'll be cleaning. And by cleaning, I mean drinking booze and spraying everything with Febreze.

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(424): View more from California

Check the bible. I hear he keeps his weed in leviticus.

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(512): View more from Texas

With the drought our water bill is skyrocketing. No more shower sex, masturbating, or pretending to be under a water fall after smoking a blunt.

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(954): View more from Florida

and let me tell you something, handcuffs are surprisingly uncomfortable when they arent being used in a sexual manner

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I got written up at work for smelling like sex and vodka. Still not sure how they put that into professional terms.

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(410): View more from Maryland

Bad breakup?

(1-410): View more from Maryland

He posted a pic of me fully naked and smiling as he inserted a carrot into my vagina as my FB profile pic and then changed the PW, locking me out of my own account. So 500 of my closest friends, family, and coworkers now have that mental image of me on FB.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I will not be a drunk bitch. I will not be a drunk bitch. Chanting this until it's second nature.

(503): View more from Oregon

Drinking in moderation can be fun. Drinking in moderation can be fun. Chanting this until it becomes true.

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(805): View more from California

Your whole purpose in life is to just float around and satisfy lonely women and also join lesbian couples in threesomes.

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(616): View more from Michigan

What changed your mind?

(1-616): View more from Michigan

Being sober

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm pregnant.

(1-407): View more from Florida

The fact that this number is not in my contacts is giving me hope it's a wrong number???

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(614): View more from Ohio

The girl in the hotel room next to us walked out at the same time as me this morning. She just shook her head, looked at me and said, "faker." Is it that easy to tell?!??

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I woke up with flowers, a tiara & pasta salad in my bed. Tequila makes me act like a fat Disney princess

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just stuck my fingers down her throat so she could puke. I mean what are friends for

(804): View more from Virginia

Oh my god she just threw up on her dog

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(716): View more from New York

Do you know what your brother wants for his birthday?

(585): View more from New York

Yeah he said he wants a decent blowjob for a change.

(716): View more from New York

.......

(585): View more from New York

I'm just looking out for you.

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(209): View more from California

Lol. Awesome. Seriously though, I need you focused next year. We're gone have a lot of drinking and stupid nonsense to do, and I don't want dumb shit like responsibility to get in my fucking way.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

What kind of gift says: "I love you because you're my mom & I'm obligated to, but I don't like you" ?

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(213): View more from California

Come over. I'll eat you out and we'll make bacon.

(1-213): View more from California

best text I've received ever.

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(818): View more from California

The cops showed up and one of them got pushed in the pool. When he got out he looked really sad so I got him a towel and hugged him. He arrested all the underage drunkards but me.

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(469): View more from Texas

You're either a hooker or Beyonce. Beyonce is abnormally good at doing everything in heels

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(770): View more from Georgia

FYI: if you have sex in your room with the light on, we can totally see your shadows from the parking lot

(770): View more from Georgia

Your boyfriend has good rhythm though.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I don't mean to complain but you could have done a better job of keeping me alive last night

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(760): View more from California

I would have done it. But then again I am a starving student who can manipulate my brain into thinking my decision was somehow morally justifiable.

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(216): View more from Ohio

Changing from sweatpants to jeans at 3 in the afternoon makes the day seem so much more productive than it actually was.

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(540): View more from Virginia

Are you pooping in the stall next to me?

(404): View more from Georgia

Maybe....

(540): View more from Virginia

Cause I just heard a fart and it sounded like one of your farts.

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(330): View more from Ohio

OH. MY. GOD. FUCK HIM. JUST GRAB HIM AND FUCK HIM.

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(229): View more from Georgia

Nobody has seen her in 3 days. Should we call the cops or hope this is just another drunk Carmen San Diego game she's playing?

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(360): View more from Washington

Obviously you've never slept with someone who was deliverance level inbred.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I hope your sleeping good cuz when u wake up im punching you square in the face

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Wish I didn't live with 3 girls so I could beat off in peace.

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(773): View more from Illinois

She came home wasted 'not wantin to talk about it' so for revenge I woke her up with a dutch oven and she puked all over me and the bed. I can't win.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Dude I told you 22 year olds shouldn't get married

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(949): View more from California

Fuck. That. I'm gonna get drunker and make them regret they EVER put me at the kids table. I'm a MAN.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I just heard a mom tell her toddler son "shut the fuck up. Don't ask me to buy you shit when i'm taking u to go see some fucking animals" welcome to the bronx.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Hi future me, I saved you a big mac under the bed.

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(217): View more from Illinois

You know it is an interesting night when the 911 operator calls you

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I want to get so drunk, you will need subtitles to understand me. Rough week.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I've made friends with the guy dressed as a gorilla that was chasing the guy dressed as a banana around with a super soaker full of vodka. I feel this will be a good relationship for me.

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(812): View more from Indiana

she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I believe you called it tequila and nipples. The proceeded to strike a pose.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

First of all...stop making excuses. Second of all...Fuck the surgeon generals warning

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(856): View more from New Jersey

unlike you, ive never imagined darth vader masturbating

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(336): View more from North Carolina

That was the most comfortable bag of doritos I have ever slept on!

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Well if yoir are still awake and secided to drink... You may aswell drink

(952): View more from Minnesota

That text needs to switch to water.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

ATTENTION ALL CONTESTANTS OF SLUTFEST 2012 ; not only will we be judging on how many penis you have sucked but also girth and length will be calculated. If you are found lying you will be disqualified. Remember your fellow participants will be rendering the same services to probably the same people. So choose wisely and let the games begin!

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(309): View more from Illinois

I taped Calvin and Kyles heads together face to face while they were passed out. You should have seen them stumbling around using hungover teamwork trying to find scissors.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Getting sick, pulled the filter off a camel crush and rolled it into my joint to clear my sinuses. If there were stoner awards, I'd receive one.

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(309): View more from Illinois

there is no excuse for drinking mascato in your room alone while listening to one-hit wonders from the 90s

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

We can just keep having sex until one of us finds someone we actually like

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(602): View more from Arizona

Ok. I am hammered I will admit it but my legacy needs to live and your the only woman that could spawn satan. We need to talk.

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(323): View more from California

He tried to spell out "PROM?" in his cum on my stomach during sex. It was terrible

(310): View more from California

well did you say yes?

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(949): View more from California

Well obviously when I get drunk my intelligence level surpasses yours and that's why you can't understand me.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I'm trying to pinpoint the moment when "don't do anything I wouldn't do" became bad advise.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

I wonder if u can grow weed on Framville and sell it to Mafia Wars?

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(650): View more from California

oh no, I think we did it in the 'front asshole'

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Just heard someone use the phrase "slut mustard" in a sentence. Win.

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(516): View more from New York

id pay someone 5 dollars to tell me whos house im at right now. comfy couch though

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(316): View more from Kansas

She wants out first dance to be to 98 degrees i do cherish you...remember how i said we didn't need open bar....

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(860): View more from Connecticut

yeah I know. she is a stupid fat trailer trash bitchwhore and I hate her

(860): View more from Connecticut

but when she came up to me in the bar I had to be all like "OMG HEYYY how are you, I haven't seen you in foreverrrrr!!"

(860): View more from Connecticut

but for the record, yeah, I hope she gets mauled by a bear and dies

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(440): View more from Ohio

Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...

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(757): View more from Virginia

Our new roommate is sitting in the living room wearing a snuggie and clutching a handle of burnett's mixed with what appears to be crystal light and sobbing over a documentary about a dead race horse.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I know. Isn't she utterly fantastic?

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I literally just wiped coffee off of the corner of my mouth with my boob because my hands were full. Thought youd be proud. Good morning!

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(972): View more from Texas

90% of the problems in your life are directly related to your vagina

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(901): View more from Tennessee

I just faked an interview like I fake a fucking orgasm. Wonder if these candidates can tell I'm a tired and hungover recruiter?

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(205): View more from Alabama

I have a feeling she doesn't appreciate me as a person. She only fucks me because I look like Harry Potter.

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(678): View more from Georgia

while 90% of the female population goes to worship a fictional character tonight at midnight, I will be taking advantage of having the bars ALL TO MYSELF.

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(509): View more from Washington

No hurry on coming over. My body currently wants everything on the inside to be on the outside. But really. Don't hurry.

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a new game. It's called "how weird can you act before a guy won't fuck you". I've deducted most guys are willing even if you're batshit insane.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Would you even take no as an answer? I have a feeling you see it more as a challenge.

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(561): View more from Florida

I have a test in the morning in sign language about signs for drugs and alcohol use. Im drunk and rolling a blunt. I've never felt so confident about a grade in my life.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

We're gona eat taco bell and then take exlax and see who can hold it in the longest. Loser has to pay for drinks all weekend. You in?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

81 degrees in april.... Thinking margaritacicles, you in?

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(714): View more from California

She found my wedding ring, sallowed it and wished me good luck explaining it to my wife before walking out. Now what?

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(425): View more from Washington

Where the royal fuck are you??

(1-425): View more from Washington

The depths of vodka hell.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

I feel like we should actually go to church one of these days to thank god for saving us from herpes and babies.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Well. I have your keys. You have my car. Looks like we have a drunkxican standoff.

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(510): View more from California

yeah the little voice in my head screaming YOU NEED TO GET LAID eventually grew legs and started kicking me so to avoid brain damage i had to fuck him

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(365): View more from

As I fucked him you stood outside my door screaming, "I'M NOT JUDGING YOU!" over and over.

(1-365): View more from

I was judging you.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

true friends will drive 3 hours to come smoke a couple blunts with you on the bridge where your car broke down

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(804): View more from Virginia

No, no, we have to calibrate. What is the maximum amount of trouble we can get into without going to jail?

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(845): View more from New York

You. Me. Frosting and a bed. Lets do this.

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(210): View more from Texas

I just took a dump to end all dumps. Other dumps have already written ballads about it. It was the Armageddon dump. Bruce Willis was there, it was awful.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Latest life lesson : don't accidentally send an "I nutted on her tramp stamp" text to your tattoo-less girlfriend. Oops.

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(802): View more from Vermont

my ass hurt today after the party last night. I wnt to the doctors and they found a coin in a ziplock bag with a note from you. WHAT THE FUCK DID U DO TO ME???

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(509): View more from Washington

I told him that he was essentially a very life-like dildo with a person attached so he needed to stop having feelings because it was getting annoying. He agreed.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

If she's steering anything, it's a religious boat of crazy. Destination: Iceberg.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I'm about to initiate a game of drunk UNO.

(301): View more from Maryland

Drunk UNO has officially been banned from now until forever.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

Totally acceptable.

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(347): View more from New York

Yeah, this dress is irreparably whorey. I've resigned myself to being a family scandal.

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(404): View more from Georgia

STD scares really help you understand the whole six degrees of separation thing...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Looks like breakfast in bed is out the window. She can't get up because I "fucked her into paralysis." My stomach is not happy with my dick right now

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get pregnant and die... Mean Girls warned me about this but I didn't listen

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(702): View more from Nevada

Last night was just one giant freudian slip.

(503): View more from Oregon

You made out with EVERYBODY.

(702): View more from Nevada

Can I just bleach my life?

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

$200 on plane. $110 on train. $5 per drink on plane. $15 per case on train. Plane 1 hour flight. Train 9 hour excursion. Hmmmmm.

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(206): View more from Washington

Its not that I don't mind giving her as much as my penis as she wants, its the post sex cigarette I have to supply. Shits $9 a pack.

(1-206): View more from Washington

Put a tip jar next to your bed from now on.

(206): View more from Washington

Your good ideas are reason #4 we need to live together.

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(970): View more from Colorado

You know how I've been hooking up with my ex? Well he told me he loved me and I said I was just there for sex so let's get it done. He looked sad, but he did it anyways. And life was good again.

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(650): View more from California

dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning

(805): View more from California

1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

My sister got her picture in the pub crawl section of the paper today and my dad said to me "why can't you be more like her?"

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(317): View more from Indiana

They're taking me to ER. Mistasnkingly. Come get me.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Abby. I can text perfectly. I pledge allegiance to the flag of the united states of america. and to the republic, for which we stand, one nation under god indivisible and with liberty and justice for all god bless america

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(914): View more from New York

There's a girl in my class named "La-a" pronouced "Luh Dash uh" I hate everyone

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(914): View more from New York

So somebody asked her is she's okay.She turned around,started running and screamed "Ballet is running through my veins" before doing a small pirouette.It's amazing how she managed not to fall.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

No no don't get confused. We do chemistry homework on Thursdays. We screw on Fridays. Other than that, Words With Friends is our only communication five days a week. We are NOT dating.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to talk about my life with someone. Preferably with someone who hasn't tried to jizz on me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Next weekend I am getting a library card and staying my whore ass home.

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(310): View more from California

Flying into Chicago for a few days, getting re-deployed in September, we should probably fuck

(312): View more from Illinois

Kristina got the same text from you just now, she's sitting next to me, how many people did you send this to?

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(806): View more from Texas

It was the textbook our-balls-touched-while-engaged-in-a-threesome-with-our-bosses-wife conversation.

(1-806): View more from Texas

It amazes and alarms me I'm not shocked to read that.

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(563): View more from Iowa

Hey. Me and my buddy are drunk. you wanna give us tattoos of the hawaiian punch guy we shall pay very well. Seriously dude. no bull shit.

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(702): View more from Nevada

Taking my infected piercing out in the parking lot of the food card place. This is one of those life defining moments that makes me sad.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Congratulations, your dick has been selected to participate in my birthday sex. Please reply with a response.

(1-985): View more from Louisiana

Do I have a choice?

(985): View more from Louisiana

I am sorry, you're response was not recognized. Please try again.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

You couldn't find your shoe so you introduced yourself as Cinderella for the rest of the night.

(732): View more from New Jersey

Ahh that explains the text from creepy mike saying he would be my prince charming.

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(226): View more from Ontario

Is it bad if one of my goals right now is to snort blow through a licorice?

(226): View more from Ontario

Don't answer that. It is bad.

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(714): View more from California

he fucked me so hard i could feel my pelvis shifting. like i legit feel more prepared for childirth now

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I've got a whole match.com system. Triple book. First dates always get the 6pm happy hour drinks slot. 8pm dinner goes to a girl where I think I can close the deal. 10pm slot goes to the sure thing in case of emergency, but 6 can always trump 8 and 8 always trumps 10. Just blame it on a dead iPhone battery.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

That, my friend, is how I bang 50 new girls a year. Not luck at all. It's science and statistics.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Anything you tell me within three minutes of an orgasm isn't even being recorded in my head.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

i mean, i offered you kinky, jungle themed sex. i don't know what else you want from me

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(256): View more from Alabama

OH MY GOD DO YOU REMEMBER WISHBONE? DO YOU REMEMBER THAT LITTLE BITCH? WHAT'S THE STORY WISHBONE

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(260): View more from Indiana

Today's forecast is horny with strong chance of booty calls. Low of Craigslist cruising, and a high of climaxing in a stranger's bed.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Thanks for walking over, a conversation about David Bowie's dick as a muppet is exactly what my day was missing.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She's like a connoisseur of porn. Her collection has things in it I never even knew existed. She even has an Italian batman porno. Where has she been all my life?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Things bear mace does not do: repel bears. Things bear mace does do: piss off bears, give bystanders asthma attacks. Lesson learned

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(631): View more from New York

I'll never forget how blunt of a wingman you were. "Excuse me, my friend wants to makeout with someone"

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(515): View more from Iowa

This is amazing. I can pinpoint the window in time that you lost all sanity.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I have effectively turned laundry day into a drinking game.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I have to look really hot tonight because my personality is going to suck.

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(713): View more from Texas

wait, did i just see you litter out your window??

(281): View more from Texas

umm, i have a hybrid. it cancels out.

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(360): View more from Washington

Emergency! LinkedIn connected me to a hotornot hookup from sophomore year... slutty phase sphere has officially invaded grown up professional sphere. My illusions of interweb sexual anonymity have been exploded.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Am i fat?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Well i wouldnt let you on top

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(480): View more from Arizona

He was uncircumcised

(480): View more from Arizona

It was like inception. A penis within a penis within a penis

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(765): View more from Indiana

The bellhop gave us weed in our keycard envelop. We went down to tip him and he apparently never gets that so he just gave us more weed. Kentucky is strange

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(807): View more from Ontario

I am gunna fuck the accent right out of her mouth

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(518): View more from New York

I am so horny I keep driving over the rumble strips... best half hour ever.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

we literally hit three floors of our apartment building searching for condoms. also got macaroni.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I've decided I'm gonna attack people with the toilet plunger.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I was gonna tell her, but there were too many tongues in my mouth

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

you told that cab driver that when the 3 of us come togehter it means happiness and love

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(310): View more from California

She asked me to go inside, make myself a drink and slip into something a little more naked.

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(254): View more from Texas

The walk home from the bar is FAR more shameful in daylight.

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(254): View more from Texas

Are we hungover?

(713): View more from Texas

I got a lapdance from a gay guy in red uggs and spandex shorts with reindeer antlers on. And I don't remember it. Hungover does not even cover it.

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm not inviting you over anymore if my cat keeps ending up in the freezer...

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(254): View more from Texas

just printed 333 ways to get kicked out of wal-mart. hello thursday night.

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(254): View more from Texas

Do you ever just KNOW it's gonna be a good day? I mean, like in a "just found a Vicodin in the bottom of your purse" kinda way?

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(254): View more from Texas

I'm someone's dream girl. I'm hungover in this guy's bed wearing ONLY a Brian Westbrook jersey. Not the same I was on a date with last night.

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(254): View more from Texas

that's what penises do

(254): View more from Texas

they tell lies.

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(254): View more from Texas

There's somethin not right about having to take the batteries out of your 27 year old boyfriends gameboy to use in your vibrator

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(903): View more from Texas

This bitch flirting at the bar needs to close her legs and open up a book. I can literally feel my IQ dropping every time she bends down to show her tits.

(254): View more from Texas

Jealous?

(903): View more from Texas

Very.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

The couple that wants to take me home just paid the bartender $100 to pour tequila down my throat. I think I'm in some type of twilight zone where stds run rampant and the alcohol floweth

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sitting at home, day drinking, while watching crossroads with brittany spears. I'm not the person you should be asking for advice right now.

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(614): View more from Ohio

We're not in high school anymore. I'm not going to pretend to be impressed as he butchers my favorite songs on his guitar. I just wanted to get laid.

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(206): View more from Washington

he's paying for my abortion by participating in an alcohol study. dont try to tell me we wouldn't be classy parents

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hurry up and get here I'm judging myself

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(785): View more from Kansas

After blacking out and loosing my phone for a month, I found it in the parking lot across the street. Last text "rager in the street". I remember none of this.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

My phone now knows what I type and it prompts me with frequently used words. And anytime I use "and" and hit the space key two of the words are "unicorn" and "sausage"

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(434): View more from Virginia

This is the second time in a week I've woken up with your bra in my bed and I've had to sit and think about how it happened.

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(816): View more from Missouri

he's werid. hell kiss me after i go down on him but he wont kiss me after i eat anything with mustard.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

i feel like pizza bites are my only friend right now

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(727): View more from Florida

Dude...disintegrating condoms. Think about it. For all the guys that wanna go raw dog but their girls won't let them, and for the girls that wanna get pregnant but their guys don't want a kid. What do you think?

(1-727): View more from Florida

I think you've been hitting the soco too hard again.

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(519): View more from Ontario

When I unzipped my pants I said "Release the Cracken"... she dug it so we're getting married soon.

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(434): View more from Virginia

He taught me how to drive a stick by using his dick. He even made the whurrrr noise so I knew when to change gears.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I have no morals, kinda like you have no standards

(1-515): View more from Iowa

None

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(516): View more from New York

You're a disgrace to the female race and the love triangle and halloween.

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(473): View more from Grenada-Carib

Since i didn't have a condom I told him to use jump ship method, I think I was overly invested in my sailor costume this year.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I NEVER left your party last night of anyone asks.

(747): View more from California

Yeah, I didn't wake up handcuffed to my bed either.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I'm deep cleaning my room right now. Not sure if it actually needs it or if I'm just trying to symbolically cleanse myself of the last 24 hours.

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(216): View more from Ohio

The only reason I'd ever want a boyfriend is so that someone would spoon feed me applesauce when I'm so hungover I can't move

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(614): View more from Ohio

Black lace...the rest is up to ur imagination

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(914): View more from New York

Just met another girl you fucked but this time in seattle. Your cock gets almost as much mileage as jet blue. Anaheim and seattle both say hi, figured you don't remember their names.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Article 1, law 1, section 1 of the apartment 25 party handbook: tarp will be purchased prior to any and all future parties. Aforementioned tarp will be placed on floor. Any and all sick patrons must relocate to tarp preceding the event of expulsion of bodily fluids. Failure to do so will result in ejection of guilty patron and banishment of the accused from succeeding party. All patrons must read and sign a copy before entry is granted.

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(845): View more from New York

She came to the party dressed as slutty elmo and then called me oscar the grouch for not wanting to bang her in the dumpster outside.

(1-845): View more from New York

she is way to in-touch with her childhood

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently I told the bartender to stop putting ice in my drink because it was taking up too much room

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(716): View more from New York

Also since my birthday I've on average fucked a new guy every 12.5 days. I'm doing an excel spreadsheet

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I already banned bobbing for apples. While drunk that's just drowning near fruit.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He's just a really nice guy who stuck his tongue in the wrong place.

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(419): View more from Ohio

having sex with him is like cage fighting mixed with pilates...the condoms didn't stand a chance...

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(347): View more from New York

He explained how that handle got into our fridge. I think i'm going to stick with my original assumption that the vodka gods want me to drink more vodka.

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(214): View more from Texas

Carry on my wayward bro, there'll be beer when you get low. lay your neon tank to rest, dont you rage no more.

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(513): View more from Ohio

constantly striving to make life awkward and more complicated, one drunk bone at a time.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i've really grown. sober me left an alarm for me every 10 minutes that said NO FAT CHICKS!

(410): View more from Maryland

dude. im stealing that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Sex on a kitchen table is not as amazing as they make is seem in the movies.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

We're hooking up, I have a toothbrush at her place, and yet on leaving her apartment a minute ago we said goodbye with a hi five. WTF?

(843): View more from South Carolina

You're upset about this?

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(706): View more from Georgia

I have so much shit FLYING through my head. They're all in magic carpets and everything

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(910): View more from North Carolina

My little brother just suggested we drink the rest of the vodka because it's raining. My job is complete.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

thats it. im googling how to make you boobs smaller. this is getting out of control.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Slutty costumes are my most sacred holiday tradition! Wearing a not-slutty costume is like putting cheezwiz on a communion wafer.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Oh boy...do i want the 'something you can tell your mom in 10 yrs' version or the 'Im gonna call you a whore but be proud' version?

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(631): View more from New York

The following message is brought to you by IMSOFUCKINGSORRY. Dude I'm really sorry I got you arrested last night. You are allowed to choose a repayment plan from the following options: Money, weed, or a single kick to the balls any time within the next calender months. Repayment outside of the aforementioned options can be negotiated and considered within reason.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone

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(204): View more from Manitoba

Asking him not to sleep with other girls is like asking me not to have my period apparently

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(586): View more from Michigan

LOVE ME LIKE A KANGARO LOVES A POUCH YOU DUMB CUNT

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(623): View more from Arizona

Post-shopping-cart-scooter-jousting victory fuck?

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(317): View more from Indiana

He said female orgasms are a myth and refuses to even try to give me one.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Just came during my obgyn appt. I need to get laid.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Nothing is more awkward than taking a dump while someone is crying in the bathroom.

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(509): View more from Washington

I have bruises everywhere. I think I took "the drinks are strong" as more of a challenge than a warning.

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(936): View more from Texas

To do list: put blue gatorade in a windex spray bottle. spray it into my mouth in public so people think i'm drinking windex.

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(757): View more from Virginia

This theraflu would make for a great margarita.

(1-757): View more from Virginia

I can make a sudafedarita

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just walked out of 7 11 still in uniform when 4 girls in bikinis in a convertable screamed "we fuck firefighters!"

(732): View more from New Jersey

Career choice validated

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Remember when we pinky swore we'd never feel hungover alone...

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(417): View more from Missouri

In chronological order you drank, sang, smoked, napped, threw up, cried, laughed, described your pubic area, passed out. You have abused the privilege to use me as your D.D.

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(313): View more from Michigan

he matches the description of mystery hookup #2, 4, and 7

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i just learned how to squirt via google. life is good.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Not that I thought your boyfriend was a phile

(270): View more from Kentucky

But the whole crossing guard thing? Weird.

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(708): View more from Illinois

youre just mad i got the high score on the breathalyzer

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

After all you put him through, I think it was only right that you saluted the bartender when you left.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

How drunk are you??

(732): View more from New Jersey

I'm flawless.

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(802): View more from Vermont

She gave me a rubber ducky to make me feel better while I was throwing up.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

she said, and i quote, "i want to black out with my rack out"

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(561): View more from Florida

This dress was meant to end up on your floor

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i am so fucked up that i think i'm playing snood in my head.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

well..are you winning?

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(765): View more from Indiana

You can't be mad at me for wanting to drink though, it is the reason we're engaged

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(612): View more from Minnesota

at this rate if someone im actually interested in likes me back im going to die of surprise before i even get to make out with them

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i already hear my dad disowning me

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(203): View more from Connecticut

My right boob is officially about a handful while my left is 1 and 3/4 handfuls. I'm staring at the mirror falling into a deep depression.

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(415): View more from California

Just heard an advertisement for 40 proof chocolate milk. We may never have to grow up

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(915): View more from Texas

I hate it when hot girls behave. It's so anticlimactic

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(323): View more from California

Don't cheat on me with the blonde bimbo religi freak

(1-323): View more from California

I wouldn't touch her with a ten foot pole

(1-323): View more from California

She's blonde

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(815): View more from Illinois

Just been one of those weeks where alcohol out weighs friendship

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(212): View more from New York

I want to see a picture of the girl worth ruining our relationship for

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

im glad we only fight about serious things like the hills and disney scene it

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(706): View more from Georgia

Im sleeping in your bed. Sorry for the sand and the noise and the loud people. Im starving

(706): View more from Georgia

Your blankets are not drunk friendly

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(969): View more from

I walked in and you were laying on the floor bleeding everywhere half asleep half crying and moe was at the kitchen table eating frozen pizza refusing to acknowledge you. What a sight.

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(517): View more from Michigan

areee we human. . .oorrr areee we dancerssssss?!

(616): View more from Michigan

you srsly need to quit going to that bar

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(916): View more from California

come downstairs quick. our boyfriends are having a dance off in nothing but their underwear and shoes. and they have semis too.

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(559): View more from California

Stop making excuses. You can be here in 5 and cumming in 10

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Ur just texting me random shit. That's what Twitter is for

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(847): View more from Illinois

I called my dad at 3 a.m. because I thought he'd be proud that I didnt get arrested. Daddys little girl at her finest...

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Bring single women, or taken women who are unhappy with their relationships, or women who are happy with their relationships but have low moral standards, or women who just like to remove clothing when drunk (relationship status is unimportant for this option)

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

It's just my hair. It brings natural happiness. Like goldfish, big boobs, and milkshakes.

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(347): View more from New York

Need sex. Gaining weight.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She's cheated on every boyfriend she's ever had with the same guy. She's like a slutty yo-yo.

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(425): View more from Washington

No dude trust me, just go a strip club at their busiest hours and pick the ugliest chick. Guaranteed she blows you for under 20$, the record stands at $7.67 and a pen from Bank of America,

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(248): View more from Michigan

Note to self: do not take so many shots that you sit on the floor under the bar where nobody can see you, and reach out and grab peoples crotch.

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(813): View more from Florida

If I had a penis, I would stick it EVERYWHERE. I don't know what these guys are doing.

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(206): View more from Washington

You should never talk to him again. Unless its you knocking on the door and punching his dick.

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(415): View more from California

There's a mouse. In the house. By the cans. With some pans. Release the cat. To eat his hat. Sorry about the mess. Of my breakfest.

(415): View more from California

No but seriously, there's a fucking mouse in the house by the beer cans

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(630): View more from Illinois

is it gross that my labia hangs so much that guys can't find my clit?

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Last night: Repeatedly yelled about how the fishbowl tasted like blue, stole a stranger's hat, hugged the DJ for playing my request, made out with my roommate, and abandoned the guy I dragged to the club in the first place

(402): View more from Nebraska

This morning: Hat doesn't fit, hangover headache is blue, and I can't move without getting lightheaded

(402): View more from Nebraska

Listen when they tell you not to drink after giving blood

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I feel like strippers are like dogs, the more you show you're terrified the faster they come at you.

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(760): View more from California

PRINCE HARRY WAS AT WAL MART SO NEXT TIME YOU BITCH ABOUT GOING TO WAL MART REMEMBER THAT EVEN PRINCE HARRY GOES TO WAL MART.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just used 'come play with my balls' as a legitimate booty call attempt. And it worked.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

just woke up to a 10 min voicemail of you singing "99 red ballons".... you need to work on your german..

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(585): View more from New York

She's 40ish and I couldn't wake her up with a stick of dynamite. My sheets are going to be covered in glitter lotion and smell like grape vodka and shattered dreams tomorrow.

(585): View more from New York

Aren't divorce parties fun?

(1-585): View more from New York

You and I have very different definitions of fun.

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(931): View more from Tennessee

I take that as "no I'm not driving you to the bar in a blizzard"

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(808): View more from Hawaii

dude she licked ball and has every Are you afraid of the dark episode on dvd

(1-808): View more from Hawaii

lock that shit down

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm pretty sure i saw my life flash before my eyes when we ran a red light. i continued to drink and be the drunk backseat driver.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

They should try giving mcdonalds to cancer patients because it just cured the worst hangover ive ever had

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(315): View more from New York

Random question, how's your gag reflex these days

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(250): View more from British Columbia

note to self: Never ask your girlfriend to have a 3some with your ex...

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(740): View more from Ohio

He's sitting on the floor holding his bracket and crying, literally crying... he just keeps saying "Kansas how could you?" over and over

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(443): View more from Maryland

where are you?

(240): View more from Maryland

Hypothermia

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

i left with the words "thank you for undersanding my sluttiness"

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(713): View more from Texas

Idgaf if he's a manwhore, he's like the mt. everest of penises. howcan I NOT try to put that inside me?

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(913): View more from Kansas

Just found the video that explains the neighborhood applause. Your landlord is awesome, and the clothes are on the roof

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(901): View more from Tennessee

Dude love is like an itch. You fuckin scratch it, then it itches more, then you scratch it and it itches more, and before you know it, there is semen everywhere.

(376): View more from

you are insane

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(847): View more from Illinois

Rock

(630): View more from Illinois

Scissors

(630): View more from Illinois

Fuck

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(630): View more from Illinois

If it makes you feel better, I doubt anything could survive in your uterus.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

What do ugly girls do when they get too drunk at parties. They can't pull the whole "sorry i passed out on your couch but i'm hot so it doesn't matter "card

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(623): View more from Arizona

everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I gotta feeling the economic climate has killed the housewife market

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Only time i ever look at my online banking statement is to see when i left the bar.

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(716): View more from New York

Disney World has no open container laws. Ohmygod this place is even cooler than it was when I was ten.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Can you put "designated driver" on a resume?

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(703): View more from Virginia

exactly what part of this weekend seemed like a good idea?

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(850): View more from Florida

No our divorce decree will not have a blow job clause. Unless my alimony is greatly increased your bj's have been reduced to fantasy status.....

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(248): View more from Michigan

That's like lying to my vagina. I can't betray it like that.

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(716): View more from New York

He walked in, tore open the drawer, pulled out a condom, and slammed it shut. He was that ready.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Stop making all the ice cubes only big enough to fit in your bong. It takes like 3 trays for a glass of ice water

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(208): View more from Idaho

Dude you make losing your phone an art. You left it balancing on a two liter bottle in the kitchen. Wtf

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(757): View more from Virginia

We need to start having rules for the weekends. Like no more downing 3 shots because we want to slut dance a little harder or because biggie just came on.

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(734): View more from Michigan

TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny

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(313): View more from Michigan

We walked 2 miles, legit 2 miles, and purchased 7 half gallons. One for each of us. Intense

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(760): View more from California

if there weren't so many witnesses I 100% wouldve punted that squirrel

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(586): View more from Michigan

i checked my sent messages this morning and i had apparently tried to text the bar, saying "idk what i drank, do you?"

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(757): View more from Virginia

seriously this is one of those moments where im glad i dont really talk to or know the people i sleep with

(703): View more from Virginia

Well said.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Pregnant stripper...not hot.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Passive mediator is your role in this relationship. My role is dick punching arsonist

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(213): View more from California

Ur gonna wake up early as dick tomorrow to do some responsible shit but im the one up at 3 am right now cooking brats soaked in keystone light so fuck your falling asleep ass bitch

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(616): View more from Michigan

I paid your cover too so you're on the list as tits mcgee. You're welcome :D

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(815): View more from Illinois

thing about being the result of a teen pregnancy is that all my baby pictures are of my mom and dad holding me around their stoned college friends.

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(817): View more from Texas

I love when I'm alone in the house. It's like pants were never invented.

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(518): View more from New York

What do you want? Don't say anything that would make me look like a pussy at the store.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I used the word aforementioned in my paper. That's an automatic A in community college.

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(772): View more from Florida

I'm playing wingman, but I want to pull a Goose and die.

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(903): View more from Texas

Remember my theory about how the universe perfectly unfolds to fuck me? Well, it's at work right now

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(801): View more from Utah

Don't play hard to get, I've seen some of the girls you've slept with.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Is it a bad that I spent my 5 year anniversary with my husband texting my ex boyfriend?

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i cant do it anymore.. every time this girl orgasms she sounds like a motorcycle

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(713): View more from Texas

I didn't say she couldn't, I said you shouldn't.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Brutally Honest is my real middle name, Princess just sounds better.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i've noticed that whenever i have to ask myself "would i be doing this if i was sober?" the answer is probably no.

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(317): View more from Indiana

i took it, then realized you live 3 ours away. but if you start driving now, im almost positive I'll still be hard

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(203): View more from Connecticut

the next pure michigan commercial i see, i am going to pee in a fucking lake

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

after last night my drinking related hospital bracelet collection is up to 13

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(402): View more from Nebraska

You gave him head? He fingered you? A little bit of make out?

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WHAT THE FUCK ITS LIKE YOU WERE THERE

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(708): View more from Illinois

I just watched nsync videos for the past half hour and you could totally tell lance bass was gay in all of them

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(732): View more from New Jersey

It's like having an annoying little brother who wants to have sex with you

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(217): View more from Illinois

So, I was thinking... Since this restraining order doesn't go into affect until monday, that leaves us 5 days to wreck his world.

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(858): View more from California

this weekend destroyed me...my brain feels like the curly fry at the bottom of the bag. GAhhh come save me

(619): View more from California

that's ecstasy for ya. now I'm kinda in the mood for jack in the box.

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(310): View more from California

Well the good news is my "i'm an adult" dinner party went well, they all brought wine and complimented my cooking abilities. the bad news is i woke up with the leftovers in my bed/on my face

(310): View more from California

On a separate but also a very relevant note, can we practice drinking wine like real people?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I just ate a whole pineapple for lunch. You should be begging to give me a bj tonight.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Stop. You don't mean that. Tequila might mean that. But you don't mean that.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We've been friends for six months, when do my benefits kick in?

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(760): View more from California

My girlfriend figured out who you are.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

the last three girls i tried to get with all believed in abstinence... i think gods trying to keep me from being a father

(973): View more from New Jersey

i think girls just don't want to fuck you

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(919): View more from North Carolina

dude, i was at the student union last night trying to study but some retarded sorority spent an hour voting on the color of the seasons shirts like it was a UN meeting- someone motioned purple, someone objected, and half an hour later after 2 recounts they decided on purple

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

nope, if she's going to skank it up with ginge-a-saurus douche she deserves the silent treatment.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

The trick is to not slur when purchasing the condoms at 3am

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(312): View more from Illinois

Is it possible to jerk off a nipple?

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(916): View more from California

Our sex bag has now been upgraded to sex luggage, with wheels, and now features a first aid kit. Game. On.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I can't tell which way is up. Too many corners around his house too. An arbitary assimilation of edges.

(1-313): View more from Michigan

Christ, I swear you are the high man's Dr. Seuss.

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(480): View more from Arizona

its been so long even thinking about having a dick inside me makes me sore

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(641): View more from Iowa

I'm not really into her personality. Not that we've ever looked for personality in women.

(515): View more from Iowa

That's only a quality to look for in a second marriage.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it felt like i was a kid in an empty playground. i fucked him on every piece of furniture in the house and then when his housemates showed up i was naked in his bed like i'd been there all along.

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(408): View more from California

Don't talk about his dick. That's mine. There's a copyright on it. Use with permission

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(949): View more from California

Ok I can't be your drugdealer AND booty call AND friend. It just doesn't work that way

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

ill find time for any girl whos not afraid to grab my junk in front of 100 people

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(850): View more from Florida

You know, if there were no such thing as marriage, i don't think porn would exist.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

so I smoked with the leasing agent of the apartment complex. Of corse I am going to take this one

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Im in search of the perfect penis, it would be unethical for me not to test run them.

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(904): View more from Florida

the cops didn't wanna shut the tailgate down but the strippers weren't allowed to take money without a license or somthing

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(479): View more from Arkansas

That's not how these arrangements work. You don't buy each other stuff unless you break a sex toy. End of story.

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(407): View more from Florida

Referring to yourself in third person during sex is apparently an instant turn off

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I was going through my paperwork and I found the lifetime warranty card for my 14" dildo. I saved it. You know, just in case.

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(925): View more from California

I literally paid him in shots to clean my entire apartment. he even vacuumed...who said alcoholism is a bad thing??

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I either date the nice guys or the assholes. There isn't any in between.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

You need to find a taint.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

whoever put homecoming and halloween on the same weekend owes me a new liver and a get out of jail free card.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Alright, my brain isn't sure how to properly function on a Wednesday with no hangover and more than 3 hours of sleep.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Apparently william has a "couch montage"...an album of facebook photos of himself on different couches in various states of happiness and despair. A heartwrenching journey through what was clearly a significant part of his life. I'd mock him more but I think the fact that I looked through it means he's already won

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(903): View more from Texas

So I love how we keep introducing our friends to sex toys. It's like pay it forward vibrator edition.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Fact: Chilis at the airport in JAX will serve you shots of jack at 6:45 with breakfast. Ya I missed my flight.

(904): View more from Florida

So when does your new flight leave?

(734): View more from Michigan

At my shot/hour ratio.... I leave in 16 shots. I love flying

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(835): View more from Pennsylvania

The cabbie told us to at least pretend we weren't doing coke while he was driving

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(254): View more from Texas

Come over, I want to eat cookie dough off your dick.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was like watching porn, except it was in real life, and it was starring two of your best friends.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i wish his balls had a scratch and sniff sticker elsewhere so i would know before i even went down there

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.

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(917): View more from New York City

the biggest problem in our relationship is that im team edward and my boyfriend is team jacob

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

im going to forcibly insert an angry corn snake into his urethra

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(847): View more from Illinois

I just heard these 2 kids from flint and Detroit arguing over whose economy is worse... It's really sad what passes for competition in Michigan these days

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(770): View more from Georgia

Also, we just got yelled at by a cop for being awesome...or making out in a fountain. Whatever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Its like "fucckkkkk yooouuuuuu" is echoing up my esophagus

(1-317): View more from Indiana

tequila?

(317): View more from Indiana

yep

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(607): View more from New York

She's trying to figure out what kind of dinosaur I am... Yay codeine.

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(708): View more from Illinois

I still love him regardless of his misguided forays into heterosexuality

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(313): View more from Michigan

I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

want to meet me after class and possibly get arrested for indecent exposure?

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(417): View more from Missouri

Okay, quick math test. If our entire group can do at least 6 shots a night, how much alcohol will be needed to keep us shit faced for the rest of the week? This is for a grade. Anddd, go.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just friend requested my arresting officer from last night. too soon??

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(890): View more from

whats a polygalesbian?

(728): View more from

lesbian polygamists..duh.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

i preemptively threaten to cock slap your kids if they are snobby yuppy bitches

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(305): View more from Florida

Thanks for jumping on that grenade for me last night. You're the best wingman ever

(615): View more from Tennessee

She ate 7 of the 8 slices of pizza. I deserve a purple heart and sex w your sister

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(919): View more from North Carolina

he wanted to have me eat skittles off of his body. he mad gay sex even gayer.

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(757): View more from Virginia

i love all of you. Physical. Emotional. Mental. All of it. When we speak i feel like a feather or a dragon depending on the conversation ...

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(916): View more from California

Come help me clean. I know we won't be getting our security deposit back...but I would like to move out with our dignity.

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(512): View more from Texas

When She took off her bra.... A tube of lipgloss, her phone, I.D. And a wad of twenties fell out.... I'm officially no longer a butt man

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(512): View more from Texas

I wake up every morning and wish that I didn't have to wear a bra

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(314): View more from Missouri

he had a sign stolen from the tennis court hanging above his bed that said, "please limit play to one hour while others are waiting"

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(850): View more from Florida

Cause your way of greeting people at the club was grabbing a tit and jiggling it while yelling a name, which usually wasn't theirs, and guys weren't safe either.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

mom and dad googled us on the weekend. i love the internet less than i did on friday.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

At least make sure they are 18

(401): View more from Rhode Island

Why

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

Pregnant only lasts nine months, being hot takes way longer to go away. So yes, I will continue to hit on the hot pregnant girl.

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(716): View more from New York

she gave up head for lent, but she said sex was still fair game

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm jealous of your bromance

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(704): View more from North Carolina

First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.

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(509): View more from Washington

Guess what I'm doing tomorrow?

(860): View more from Connecticut

Becoming a productive member of society?

(509): View more from Washington

Sam. Come on.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Our house smells like week old pizza, beer cans, cigarettes, and depressing career tracks....get lysol.

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(212): View more from New York

so she proceeds to puke everywhere, look up at me like a sick dog, and then say, "i'll finish if you want me to."

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I feel that the whole multiple orgasm thing is god's way of saying "sorry for the childbirth deal"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Dude, I woke up in the middle of the night and your room mate was just standing there at the foot of the bed, watching us sleep.. you don't remember me shaking the shit out of you to tell you this?!

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

This could explain the reason why I've been finding his clothing and keys scattered in random parts of my room..

(609): View more from New Jersey

AND THIS DOESN'T WORRY YOU?!

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just tried calling my phone on my phone because i thought i lost my phone.

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(616): View more from Michigan

Had "I should be in prison or dead" storytime at the bar. Found out James has done blow off a dead guy. Overwhelmed and speechless.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

His pick up line was "your one sexy pumpkin, I'd love to carve." Why would you let me go home with him?

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(917): View more from New York City

I was afraid that she would smell her boyfriend's penis on my breath while we were talking.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Fucking finally I'm about to die from sobriety over here

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(845): View more from New York

I have invented a new sport: freshman-watching. I'm sitting on our porch literally dying watching the freshmen run around trying to find parties

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(209): View more from California

Show him your tits if he says no

(1-209): View more from California

They're not help-me-out-of-jams tits. They're I-fake-people-into-thinking-they-look-good tits.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

i have some very unhappy turtles in my backseat

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(916): View more from California

You're not invited to the wedding. They don't want you starting a "who's fucked the bride the most" contest.

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(614): View more from Ohio

yes, we have a friends with benefits thing. i found out he had never 69'd, done anal or had a threesome. i told him i was going to rock his world.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

and what did he say?

(614): View more from Ohio

there were no words. he looked like a kid on christmas morning.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i never realize how drunk i am until i start using people as human stripper poles

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Ps if we're still living vicariously through each other, you had sex on a beach last night

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(706): View more from Georgia

We can talk tomorrow when we're both alert. My mind is somewhere else right now.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where's it at?

(706): View more from Georgia

In your pants.

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(847): View more from Illinois

The only thing worse than being arrested is the fact the cop confiscated my green dinosaur costume.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?

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(406): View more from Montana

I'm on my "fiiiiirrrst" glass of wine- the quotes mean it's the last of the bottle- so I really need you to pick up your phone so we can talk about this

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

You convinced her to break up with her boyfriend, made out with her all night, got her to buy us all shots then went home with a different girl...

(1+44): View more from

That explains the "i hate you" text. But the facebook deletion is a bit harsh

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was about to send you a concerned-for-your-safety text b/c it took you more than ten seconds to respond to a text that mentioned both the bar and lesbians

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Moment of the night: you were impatient while I paid for the tequila shots and proceeded to lick and salt MY hand for me. This is why we're roommates.

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(818): View more from California

Watched him slip somethin into her drink. Dragged him of his bar stool, punched him out, and told her what i saw. Bartender used some chemical to confirm presence of rophynol. Just woke up at her place

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(720): View more from Colorado

i was gonna tell him a really embarassing story about you, but then i remembered im in all of them

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(619): View more from California

found a ham sandwich in the elevator it tasted so hungry and it was still fresh. dont be mad at me. you know you love ham.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

all of the sudden, the other guy at the bar who was celebrating his birthday got a super inspired look on his face and then screamed at me ''our parents fucked on the same day!''

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(540): View more from Virginia

I managed to convince my mom that my hickey was a birth mark I have always had. She cried for an hour about being a terrible mother for never noticing it.

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's official. I am the proud owner of his very own sex tape. Amateur awesome porn or awful delete-me-now porn? Come over help me decide.

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(360): View more from Washington

I could hear his roommate in the background imitating my sex sounds...

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

He calls it "his noble steed" and i plan to ride it.

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(708): View more from Illinois

is it cool if i crash at ur house this weekend again bro

(773): View more from Illinois

yea dude but i wld bring a sleeping bag or something just in case. or u may just have to shack up with a woman or 2 cuz we hav 10 girls visiting/staying over at my house.

(708): View more from Illinois

how did u manage to make sleeping with a bunch of girls sound like an inconvenience?

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(613): View more from Ontario

Did you know that if you hit someone in the head with a frozen loaf of bread you can knock them unconscious?

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I have to talk to myself and be all "you are NOT horny tonight"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Why are you always at the walk in clinic, Lady Chlamydia?

(289): View more from Ontario

You're not allowed to make that my permanent nickname.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I JUST SAW A SIGN LANGUAGE CATFIGHT

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(240): View more from Maryland

the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference

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(302): View more from Delaware

I thanked her dad for "firing off a good one" when she was conceived. She said thats why he doesnt like me.

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(520): View more from Arizona

I knew I was rolling hard when I realized I had been rubbing the couch for an hour

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(860): View more from Connecticut

i admit it was a weird experience, but why regret what once made you cum

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(315): View more from New York

mom just made me 'sorry-you-have-hpv-pancakes'

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swear I am going to pee, wipe my vag with my hand, and then slap you in the face with it.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

i never knew gatorade would taste just as good on the way back up

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(908): View more from New Jersey

If I go to jail what happens to my debt?

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

You dont have to pay it.

(908): View more from New Jersey

I'm going to jail.

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(941): View more from Florida

Romantic bubble bath turned into splash war. We can't be adults about anything.

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(512): View more from Texas

her best friend is in town and she told me that they used to fool around when they were drunk and I'd have to "help keep that from happening"

(1-512): View more from Texas

you motherfucker

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(760): View more from California

And the best part is I don't remember putting the condom in my pocket! Angels officially exist

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(541): View more from Oregon

Maybe you shouldn't go to cosmic bowling, i don't know if cum glows and I don't wanna find out i'm sure his parents don't either.

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

Sunday is a myth, I refuse to believe that I waste an entire day unable to function after a night of drinking.

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(818): View more from California

I hate that he uses me for something other than sex. What does he think I am? His girlfriend? Ha.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

Evidently I told a girl she should leave the bar because no one wanted to fuck her.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

For when you/if you wake up tomorrow.. You broke 4 of the bar's glasses tonight and I am currently watching you as you ride the broom around the bar instead of cleaning up your mess. I am no longer able to come up with excuses for you.

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(740): View more from Ohio

As long as you're naked and covered in glow paint, I'm there.

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(217): View more from Illinois

She slapped his drink out of his hand to get him to leave the bar while he and I were having an intense debate about the lyrics to mmmbop

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Dear sober self: your car keys are in the glove compartment, your car is outside the church. I hope you're reading this from your own bed instead of someone else's.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

you should be careful. everyone knows your chances of pregnancy increase by 100 percent when youre the daughter of a religious figure

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Why do they give me cups on $8 pitcher night? I HAVE A PITCHER.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think i smell like relationship. That's my problem.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm so glad I got to use the word gutterslut before 11:00a today.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Have I told you recently that I love you, if for no other reason than you make my irresponsible substance abuse look tame by comparison?

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(540): View more from Virginia

Man, just talk to her friend and help me out. Otherwise we go home alone

(1-540): View more from Virginia

I'd rather jerk off with a hand full of bumble bees then talk to her

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(816): View more from Missouri

this just proves how much faith i have in "us".. what should we be for halloween..?

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(604): View more from British Columbia

After you verbally abused the McDonalds employee for not making your fries fast enough, the fact that you woke up on a random lawn does not surprise me.

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(661): View more from California

So she started giving everyone lap dances, and i was like "i think i like this chick"

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(303): View more from Colorado

i just won an entire level on word mole with the word 'clitoris'

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(559): View more from California

i'm officially boycotting relationships. hello random hook ups and treating men like meat.

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(234): View more from Ohio

No now hes going to beat me to our goal of getting someone to have sex in the library. I hate periods.

(387): View more from

I don't know what to judge you more for.

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(636): View more from Missouri

If you hear screaming in the middle of the night, bat got loose. Call poison control immediately and explain rabies

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(404): View more from Georgia

I don't know what the fuck is in the water in New Hampshire, but these dicks are HUGE.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I hate bills.

(479): View more from Arkansas

Like ones you have to pay or people named William?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Taylor Swift is so right about you.

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(214): View more from Texas

I think I just inadvertently started a sex competition with my roommate and her boyfriend.

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(317): View more from Indiana

that's why i use the vibrator in the tanning bed. multitasking. plus then my rooms doesnt know how pathetic of a life i lead.

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(937): View more from Ohio

What I'm saying is Afghanistan is America's sexually contracted disease.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

This is the worst date ever. Pls kill me. No, wait, scratch that, stick to the original plan of killing Paris Hilton, I'll live though this

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I held a cracker & gaterade down for an hour. I feel like this will be my greatest accomplishment of the day.

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(518): View more from New York

You said, "can you make out with him for a little bit, I need a break."

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Honey, If i waited till marriage I wouldnt know what a dick tasted like.

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(716): View more from New York

All I'm saying, is that being compared to a Muppet is not the end of the world.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We got them high and they had an hour long debate on the best way to get cum out of eyes.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

you better fuck at least one or both of them.

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(330): View more from Ohio

what are you wearing?

(703): View more from Virginia

Just my guilt

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(812): View more from Indiana

I am unable to type or say "unprotected, receptive anal sex" with a straight face. clearly, HIV was a poor research paper topic choice.

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(916): View more from California

The girl behind me in psych just tapped me on my shoulder to tell me there was a condom wrapper in my hood.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i just made a list of the people i have slept with. is it bad that some of them are just either names of the places i met them or the color of the shirts?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i also rounded the number up for good measure. i am sure there are a few i have forgotten about.

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(248): View more from Michigan

toast her oven

(1-248): View more from Michigan

toast her strudel

(248): View more from Michigan

inspect her gadget

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(325): View more from Texas

When god put her together, he was drunk & feeling creative... a vagina here, sexually ambiguous breasts there, and a pair of shoulders that would make a linebacker jealous

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Just woke up. Need to shower and fuck. Be there when I'm done disappointing. Should be 30.

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(650): View more from California

the night i cant remember will be the night i always remember thanks to my "i

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

So how was he last night?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Five-minute foot-long.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Swear to god, if I have to wingman for you on my honeymoon I'm gonna be pissed

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just invited me over for the 3 p's...pepsi pizza and porn...I'm gonna marry him

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

he found you with your pants down, trying to straddle the urinal. no one should have to see their sister like that. ever.

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(703): View more from Virginia

so he came on my face and then proceeded to say "that was just how i imagined it would happen"

(1-703): View more from Virginia

where do you find these guys?

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(650): View more from California

apparently i ate an entire bag of goldfish, kissed some guy with a girlfriend who now wants to kill me, made my sister sleep in my bed with me while i wore no pants, and told my whole family i am pregnant with jonny's devil baby...never drinking again

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(704): View more from North Carolina

help me choose which girl to send myself boning to my girlfriend to make her want to break up

(919): View more from North Carolina

which one looks the most like her?

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

He told the cop he was underage, handed the cop his ID, and the police report read "I then informed the suspect that he was not, in fact, underage"

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

why isn't there a fb relationship option that says 'still banging my ex'

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(765): View more from Indiana

i dont care that its taken 20 hrs to pee without hurting, BEST HATE SEX EVER.

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(757): View more from Virginia

she was handing out condoms w/ her number on them...

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Ya I fucked her.. But now Melissa is gonna find out

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Just tell her that in a man's never ending war between his heart and his dick... His heart never wins

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(513): View more from Ohio

I was just standing there and then BOOM! She was attacking my face with her mouth.

(419): View more from Ohio

I don't get it, man. She treated me like a sexual predator but treated you like a piece of meat.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Using 'equal to a modern day cock block" in term paper, inappropriate

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(571): View more from Virginia

I feel like I bought a front row ticket to watch her screw up her life

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(585): View more from New York

I wish there was a facebook app that filtered my notifications to show only the ones having to do with people who'll fuck me.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

he's 25, hott, and leaving for iraq tuesday, i wanna get in as much as possible...

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

your life is a nick sparks novel waiting to happen

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(856): View more from New Jersey

You really need to take down the pics of you and your boyfriend on facebook. It's becoming increasingly harder to jerk off while i'm Facebook stalking your pics at 2am.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

If I had a penis I would totaly hang shit off it. Like stretched out peach rings and fruit rollups.

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(714): View more from California

I'm at the bar and I just saw some unnecessary and accidental cooter...sometimes I think girls need a license to go out pantyless in public.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I want to buy you liquor! I want to kiss your face.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Your excessive judging is making this uncomfortable

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Apparently she ran into the Emergency Room declaring "ROOM, PLEASE" as if she were checking herself into Holiday Inn.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just encouraged Kelsey to make out with some guy for beer so I could take one, does this make me a pimp?

(989): View more from Michigan

By definition I think it does.

(810): View more from Michigan

So this is what it feels like to be all that is man.

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(713): View more from Texas

I know they r crazy. However porn on a big screen is an easy commitment. They come with mute, stop, fast fwd and replay buttons. if only all women came that way...

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(260): View more from Indiana

You told him you loved him!?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

I mean if he translated "Zi luve ku" as that then yes.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Is there anything medically wrong with drinking beer from a vagina?

(1-734): View more from Michigan

How did the beer even get there in the first place?

(734): View more from Michigan

That's not what's important right now

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

did we decide the 'sorry about the threesome' cake was too flippant?

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(910): View more from North Carolina

i wish they had a 'baby daddy' section in halmark, like, "hey, i know you didn't want this child and you're doing a horrible job, but here's to making you cry on fathers day"

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I'm not up by 8, will you please knock on my door?

(910): View more from North Carolina

That depends, can you stop texting me while you're masturbating?

(770): View more from Georgia

Touche.

(910): View more from North Carolina

I CAN STILL HEAR YOUR VIBRATOR.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

No. Her boobs are the one spot of warmth in my life right now and I will not let you take them from me.

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(301): View more from Maryland

OMG bikini contest at the bar. You can see this one chicks scar from her c-section and I'm pretty sure she is the best of the bunch.

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(312): View more from Illinois

I did something stupid with eggs call me when you get up. Cops were also involved.

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(418): View more from Quebec

I have nothing to say, just wanted ur phone to vibrate

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Hey since its national brother week is that eiffel tower option with your girlfriend still on the table?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Ok if you are accepting my apology, please continue to ignore me. If you are not, please fill out the brief survey that follows, to help me improve my people relations: a) your a bitch please leave me alone b)your crazy pls leave me alone c) I never cared ab u please leave me alone. D) all of the above e) all of the above but I wouldn't mind still fucking u. F) who are you again? Your answer will not b shared and will b used in accord. With the law. TY

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(778): View more from British Columbia

This time, try to not get fingered in the middle of the living room.

(604): View more from British Columbia

I DIDNT GET FINGERED

(604): View more from British Columbia

I was rubbed

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(540): View more from Virginia

please bring me a paper towel asap.

(540): View more from Virginia

I was drinking wine in bed and spilt some on my chest.. And I cautiously guided it into my belly button but now I dont know what to do.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Got a blowie from her in the cab on the way home. Made awkward eye contact with the cabbie who said, and I quote "Keep the mess in her mouth bro", I did so only out of respect

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(917): View more from New York City

Trying to guess which perfume the stripper was wearing based on my bf's clothes

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(303): View more from Colorado

And then falling down drunk the next morning, concussing yourself and splitting your head open?

(1-303): View more from Colorado

That was pretty sad, but you more than made up for it by using "concussing" in a sentence

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(209): View more from California

is it wrong to smoke out middle schoolers?

(1-209): View more from California

yes...dear jesus what did you do?

(209): View more from California

bwahaha. ask your little brother in about 20 minutes. im dropping him off.

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(208): View more from Idaho

dude skip the party. it is a fucking post office here

(1-208): View more from Idaho

what the hell does that mean?

(208): View more from Idaho

nothing good but a whole lotta male and packages

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(720): View more from Colorado

You can't like Harry Potter and Twilight. You have to pick. Vampires and Wizards are mutually exclusive.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

I told her I had the flu when in reality I did way too many drugs last night, haven't slept and don't want to sit through a 3 hour buisness meeting trying to figure out which voices are real and which are in my head

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(330): View more from Ohio

Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?

(614): View more from Ohio

I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?

(330): View more from Ohio

I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.

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(310): View more from California

When you hit the 45 minute mark of any argument about The Flintstones, you have to realize: it's no longer you arguing, it's the cocaine arguing.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up to him using my debit card to order PPV porn and Jimmy Johns. I don't even know his name.

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(916): View more from California

God damn. I'm really starting to resent babies. They're everywhere. Like fucking land mines.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

She gets me. First thing she said this morning "I'll buy breakfast if you can tell me my name."

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(206): View more from Washington

Almost made out with Amanda but I told her "I'm in a committed fake lesbian relationship with Laura. I can't."

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(917): View more from New York City

I have the Everlasting Gobstopper of boners right now. It's kinda like a gift from god, but I don't want to spend anymore time with this girl than I have to.

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(217): View more from Illinois

Dude squirt doesnt even begin to describe it i thought she was the lost portal to atlantis with how much she let out

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(334): View more from Alabama

I can't break up with him, I ran the math. Taking into account his 7 inch penis and the standard deviation from average, almost 90% of guys should have a smaller penis than he does.

(1-334): View more from Alabama

Really? Penis math? This is why guys shouldn't date female engineers.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Learned a valuable life lesson last night. It's titled "Tequila: Still A Bad Idea".

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(860): View more from Connecticut

do you ever facebook stalk someone so much you think their inside jokes are yours?

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(804): View more from Virginia

The boys in front of me put beer, red plastic cups, ping pong balls, lighterfluid, and twelve packs of pantyhose on the conveyor belt. Whatever drinking game they're playing, I want a part in.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

and i looked up. we had an audience...

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Dude I got a text from you at 1:30 last night and you didn't use any vowels

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

Haha, I didn't want to buy any... we're in a recession you know

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

i'm out of college. that means no more sex on a twin bed. ever. i don't care how big his dick was. i'm classy like that.

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.

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(513): View more from Ohio

there's a guy on campus handing out business cards. you pay him to see if your girlfriend will cheat. the company name is "tying up loose ends"

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(416): View more from Toronto

I never had a problem I couldn't slut my way out of.

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(813): View more from Florida

hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.

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(516): View more from New York

And when I say "complete whore" I mean I could possibly make a shameful profit by wearing this.

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(810): View more from Michigan

i went to go through my sent box of drunk texts from last night and they were all deleted... i'm going to assume drunk me made the executive decision that sober me would be better off not knowing what they said

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Sex and the city 2 and twilight getting released in the same month. God hates mankind.

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(954): View more from Florida

The entire defensive line took care if me when I passed out. One of them even held my hair when I puked and the other carried me upstairs to bed. God I love football so much more now

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(917): View more from New York City

so, not only did she give him head while i was asleep next to them, apparently, it was bad head...

(845): View more from New York

Are you serious?

(917): View more from New York City

yeah... as often as she does that, you'd think she'd be good at it...

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(720): View more from Colorado

For sure. We should see if we can get Mike to pay for one, and have a triple kegger... :o==& (that's future me projectile vomiting. i try to be goal oriented)

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(802): View more from Vermont

clearly I should have checked to see if he was an NRA member before I went back to his house and woke up in Heston's haven.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

the third sister isn't as attractive as the other two but I will do her anyway to finally pull off the fabled family hat trick.

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(559): View more from California

I totally understand Scottish logic. No underwear+skirt=great

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

but the lizard people decide everything anyway

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(206): View more from Washington

Does saving a line for myself for the morning so I don't seem hungover at work count as responsibility?

(206): View more from Washington

Adult decisions.

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(559): View more from California

We played strip Bananagrams and I won. Thank fuck I read a lot as a child.

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(619): View more from California

The cab driver doesn't know where we can find an empire state building shaped dildo either!? What is wrong with NYC!?

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(949): View more from California

My getting drunk and marrying a stranger in Vegas final court annulment papers just came in the mail... I might frame that shit

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(512): View more from Texas

3:12 am: but i thought i was coming over tonight, don't fall asleep i wore new underwear

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Cuntadactyl. (n). A pre-historic dinosaur of Mandy-like features that is primarily identified by it's inability to play well with others and overall C-word demeanor. Physically, an unfortunate appearance.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Thanks for alerting everyone in our apartment what your one night stand's name is. Could you scream a little louder?

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(970): View more from Colorado

Not cool at all. Last night I organized my condoms by expiration date. I need to get laid.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Ask politely.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Fine. Can i please come over, hang out with you, sit around a campfire, smoke tree, listen to sublime, and fuck the shit out of you?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats good enough.

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(937): View more from Ohio

i just discovered a movie that charlize theron is a sex addict. i think my prayers have been answered

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(586): View more from Michigan

I'm eating oreos and watching porn. This is your fault.

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(818): View more from California

I can only speak casual parseltoungue, im not bad though. just the general, "wheres the bathroom?" "open the chamber of secrets" that type of stuff

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(416): View more from Toronto

Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?

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(256): View more from Alabama

We argued about the championship during sex. Absolutely the manliest moment of my life.

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(407): View more from Florida

Dude I just masturbated laying underneath my Christmas tree. Apparently all I want for Christmas is to get laid.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

Let's play a little game of "Last Night Never Happened"

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(805): View more from California

I have show me your genitals stuck in my head. Except in spanish. Muestrame tus genitals. Tus genitals.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

New bet. First person to fuck their girlfriend and narrate the whole thing in Morgan freemans voice wins. You are disqualified if she asks you about. My girlfriend is on her rag. U have the headstart. Your move...

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(732): View more from New Jersey

She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.

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(818): View more from California

You are very nonchalant about the high probability of us having an orgy.

(805): View more from California

Eh, I'm ok with this, this can work. We're the best kind of the worst people.

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(469): View more from Texas

I just saw a girl make a shank with the underwire in her bra...

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(330): View more from Ohio

First off: I'm drunk so fuck you. Second: you weren't a bad girlfriend. Tres: thats 3 in spanish. Number 4: fuck 3 Doors Down

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ask Niel how long his lasts if he plays with it a lot.

(1-321): View more from Florida Space Coast

he says 15-20 minutes depending on the porn.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

no his phone, idiot.

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(503): View more from Oregon

idk why but i just wanna to have sex with the idea of him. i don't even wanna meet him.

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(253): View more from Washington

I will be horny for about another two hours. Feel free to call me until then.

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(775): View more from Nevada

She called to say she's single and blow job season is back.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Steve is gonna hang his bear rug on the wall because he doesn't trust us not to have sex on it...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I don't think cute and don't forget to get tested belong in the same text

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(320): View more from Minnesota

I'm going to tattoo a maze on my back for the next fucker that tries to blow early ....

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I think my vagina is going to steal my keys and drive over there.

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Hopefully she would park on my face.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

its not like she's the last girl on the planet with symmetrical breasts and great skin

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(701): View more from North Dakota

First off, get on bc solely in preperation for this event. Second, as my little sister you have a lot of whore to live up to.

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(515): View more from Iowa

mom in a round about way told me to either donate my eggs or become a surrogate bcuz I need money.

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(907): View more from Alaska

i'm starting to get pissed at how pandora is trying to force coldplay on me

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(248): View more from Michigan

is swine flu sexually transmttd?

(313): View more from Michigan

Ha no, why?

(248): View more from Michigan

sriously ive never had a hangovr this bad

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(605): View more from South Dakota

i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."

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(618): View more from Illinois

Why the hell does jager make you get to the point of having to army crawl around cause you cant feel your legs and scream jaga bombs when puking??

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i must have dtf stamped on my forehead

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(206): View more from Washington

She told me to stuff her like a turkey. She actually yelled happy thanksgiving.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

i want the original willy wonka imagination song to come on when i take a girl to my room

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm watching the fashion show on bravo

(262): View more from Wisconsin

you're cheating on project runway?

(919): View more from North Carolina

if you can't score coke, you buy crack.

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(716): View more from New York

So how did finding that girl you know on GGW go?

(1-716): View more from New York

I was so pissed when it just previews her all covered up. It would have been easier to just have sex with her

(716): View more from New York

Yeah but then you would have a case of genitals gone wild

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(269): View more from Michigan

It hurts to peel the glue off my chest and i keep finding glitter in my hair.

(1-269): View more from Michigan

I just wanted to decorate you...

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(425): View more from Washington

come parachute off the vicodin airplane with meee

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I need to take "lollipop" off of every single one of my playlists cause it makes me wanna suck dick.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

You demanded I give you a glass of water, so I set it down in front of you and you knock it over and roll in it..,

(679): View more from Michigan

I wanted to be a dolphin.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Walking down the street at 11 pm dressed in bubble wrap. Why is the bar so fucking far away??

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(315): View more from New York

3 guesses about who had to still-drunkenly facilitate a fire drill at 2:40am because freshmen can't handle microwave popcorn.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I owe her a pancake or a second hand orgasm

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(406): View more from Montana

This girl in my class is wearing a sweatshirt that says "LEAD ME NOT INTO TEMPTATION" ahaha I almost just laughed out loud. We could never be friends

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(919): View more from North Carolina

i love insurance, just had an iv with 4 bags of fluid, 2 shots of finagrin and a 2 hour nap . woke up without a hangover. all for $20

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he goes, "ok, i have to go talk to the girl i'm semi-talking to/dating and see if i'm in trouble" WHAT IS MY LIFE?!

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(248): View more from Michigan

like stop trying to get a relationship out of this when i'm clearly in the drunken mistakes part of my life.

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(787): View more from Puerto Rico

1. my parents still have sex. 2. being a screamer runs in the family. 3. so much so that i can tell what number of orgasms she's on. 4.so looks like i'm stuck outside a while

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(606): View more from Kentucky

Sorry I thought I was a lizard earlier.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just tried to light a cigarette with a tube of lipstick. If I had stayed in girl scouts maybe I could've made that happen.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Only if you bring Listerine. I can't come home to my husband from a bachelorette party with spermbreath again.

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(661): View more from California

a girl just told me i should have been born earlier in the alphabet

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(586): View more from Michigan

Forgive me I'm always horny when I wake up

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.

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(602): View more from Arizona

I demand visitation hours with the duck.

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(817): View more from Texas

You're completely useless in the revolution.

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(815): View more from Illinois

He thanked me for being "his little blond pogo stick last night". Good thing?

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just crawled out of a second story window using a sheet and his clothes for a rope so he wouldn't wake up.

(540): View more from Virginia

I am so glad I watched Macgyver as a kid.

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(214): View more from Texas

your drunk exhusband is tryin to get with my drunk exgirlfriend. i think its funny. if you still talk to him dont say anything.

(1-214): View more from Texas

we're not divorced.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Before you say anything, my vagine does NOT discriminate against young dads

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(586): View more from Michigan

Why do girls always cry at the bar?

(586): View more from Michigan

What's the point of going out if you're going to cry all night?

(586): View more from Michigan

Are they having an exestensial crisis at the bar?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hey Im running from the cops. hiding in a bush. when you're approaching the intersection honk the horn twice and I will come out.

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(707): View more from California

frankly if you're gonna get kicked out of your place, hooking up with your gay roommate's boyfriend would be the most entertaining way to do it.

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(909): View more from California

dont ever smoke after you drink again... i dont think ive ever seen...or heard of someone throwing up and farting at the same time. that is, if you were farting.

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(320): View more from Minnesota

don't tell me about being eco-friendly. i just threw up in the same bag i bought my liquor in. RECYCLING

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I have a date tonight... Like a real date... Not the kind where you just go over to his house and have sex and then never speak again.

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(941): View more from Florida

Its only fair we share our golden vaginas with the world. It would be selfish if we didn't.

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(772): View more from Florida

bro...we were banging on her floor and her dog walked in and started licking my balls

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(845): View more from New York

I feel like our house is getting pulled over.

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(559): View more from California

I wish i had a shirt that said, "I know what you're thinking and it's not herpes on my face"

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Sometimes when I see pregnant women, I wonder what position they were in when they got knocked up. Then I gag a little.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Is it cum slut, cumslut or cum-slut? Sexting, plz advise ASAP

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

its not stalking. its research.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I wish I could punch you in the face.

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(318): View more from Louisiana

What if this is the rest of my life? Sitting at the bar waiting for someone to play Single Ladies

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(404): View more from Georgia

Tequila is the liquid version of celery. I lose more calories during tequila drunk and the following sexual activities than I gain by drinking it...

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(586): View more from Michigan

somehow a sneeze triggered me puking over everyone in the car

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

found a hand written recpiet for 'one doe fawn' on an open crate in my living room need help to find it

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

where the hell would u of bought a deer

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Getting cock-blocked by Jeff Bridges. NOT OKAY.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I AM HAVING A WEIRD OUT OF BODY EXPERIENCE. IN CAPS LOCK.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

I could be a Disney star with the amount of nude photos of mine that get leaked.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I painted my nails silver

(586): View more from Michigan

And what are the implications of that?

(313): View more from Michigan

Is there supposed to be a msg in that? Just thought ud like to know it looks like I fingerbanged an alien

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Yes because finding a guy to give head to is pretty difficult.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean not really

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Obviously that's why it was a joke you are so stupid it's impossible.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

unfortunetly they frown upon drunk on duty paramedics

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(509): View more from Washington

Going to the market. I need some nachos and a serious re-evalution of my life.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

anyone who says having children is the best experience of their life obviously has never seen a vending machine carry vodka in Capri sun pouches.

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(517): View more from Michigan

Ryan learned the all important lesson tonight; Red Bull gives you wings, Jaeger gives you gravity.

(517): View more from Michigan

We're at the urgent care down the street from you if you care to stop by

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just saying goodbye until I figure this whole "warrant out for my arrest" thing

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(757): View more from Virginia

We talk about tequila and blow jobs the way that normal people talk about the news and the weather.

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(404): View more from Georgia

she slipped a pinky in my ass. Not sure if I came because I liked it or if I was terrified by it.

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(407): View more from Florida

If i theoretically had to put an iv back in what do I need to do?

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(805): View more from California

I'm not judging you... I'm judging our friendship

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(516): View more from New York

i feel like the 7 eleven by your house knows our deepest, darkest secrets

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(303): View more from Colorado

Do Not. I repeat. DO NOT DRINK WHISKEY TO COPE. You will end up in jail. LEARN FROM THE PRO

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(662): View more from Mississippi

Stop introducing me to people as your little sister.

(1-662): View more from Mississippi

I don't think the lady gaga poster on your wall qualifies you as a brother.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I wish I had my own personal Asian lady that lived under my bed so that she could wax my eyebrows and give me a pedicure whenever I wanted.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw an old lady yelling at a dead pigeon for leaving the oven on.

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(678): View more from Georgia

You would think that an uncircumcised man would understand how the hood of a clit works.

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(404): View more from Georgia

it was like i was on a global safari of uncircumcised men

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

saw a pregnant woman in a bridal gown standing on the side of the road while her car was getting searched by police....cheers to new beginnings

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(316): View more from Kansas

You love me.

(785): View more from Kansas

That's because, tragically, I adore whores.

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(863): View more from Florida

I have on cowboy boots and a ten gallon hat. I'd say I'm a little past tipsy

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(679): View more from Michigan

You were directing traffic around her for 30min after she passed out in the middle of the road.

(679): View more from Michigan

You really are best friends.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

is it bad that upon arriving to my fourth sex toy party the sex toy lady instantly recognizes me?

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(916): View more from California

Last-second stop at the drug store for lube and condoms. Clerk said "So uhmmm...that's a done deal, huh?"

(1-916): View more from California

High five!

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(206): View more from Washington

This is your Morning Wood Report: I have it.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So when I got her home I realized being a lesbian again isn't like riding a bike...

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(727): View more from Florida

He only uses me for sexual pleasure. The sad part is I don't even feel like a slut. I just I feel like I should just live in the top drawer of his nightstand....for free of course.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

She just kept screaming you name over and over. Im starting to think this is my alarm clock

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(856): View more from New Jersey

The voicemail says i shouldn't bother ever showing my face there again, i don't understand

(1-856): View more from New Jersey

We visited your boss last night. guess you wont be paying the rent this month, eh?

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(248): View more from Michigan

sooo how much is appropriate to spend on a vibrator? what if it is really legit looking?

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(703): View more from Virginia

I can feel you judging me through the phone.

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(707): View more from California

I'm too afraid that I'm 1. Banned or 2. Gonna be noticed by the lady bouncer I punched.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she told me her fantasy was her as a 55 year old cook at a truck stop who smokes a pack a day, and I was the 21 year old illegal immigarnt prep cook.

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(936): View more from Texas

Some guy just delivered flowers to my roommate cause he fell off a roof onto her at a party last night. I think they have a date tomorrow.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

bitch so ugly she owes me an erection

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I fatbooth all their pics then decide which one is the cutest even if they gained like 400 lbs and then proceed to fuck him.

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(740): View more from Ohio

ugh, today is just one of those 'get high before your 8am class' days.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

And i generally try not to roofie people when I'm in a committed relationship.

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(315): View more from New York

You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.

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(407): View more from Florida

my vagina has a 5:00 shadow

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(971): View more from Oregon

Not just anyone can homewreck on three continents simultaneously

(503): View more from Oregon

you are my hero

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(269): View more from Michigan

I'm gunna smoke cigs today. I feel like I'm in that powerful and gritty mood which requires them

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(662): View more from Mississippi

She just looked at him and said "I'm gonna fuck that" and it totally worked.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Haha its ok. When we got back you sat in the car and attempted to tell me in sign language you were blacked out lol

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(254): View more from Texas

There is a keg full of gin. THERE SHOULD NEVER EVER BE A KEG FULL OF GIN.

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(716): View more from New York

You dont understand he had a split tongue thats bucket list worthy.

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(585): View more from New York

Hurry up I might actually study if I am left alone

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(847): View more from Illinois

sticking your finger down your throat to make yourself throw up is bulimia, not morning sickness, so no, I don't think you're pregnant.

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(281): View more from Texas

I swear if it wasn't for meeting for drug dealers @ gas stations, i would never remember to get gas.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I need to write the inventor of adderall a thank you note stapled to a copy of my degree

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(706): View more from Georgia

Almost accidentally stole a baby... explain later

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(325): View more from Texas

She told me my parents were awesome for leaving me uncircumcised...

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(702): View more from Nevada

Just got booked to do a bachelorette party for a polygamist wedding. And notice I only text you to rub things in your face and show you my life shits on yours. Daily.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm going to get so drunk tonight, I actually feel bad about the 30 seconds of drunken awkward sex I'm going to have with one lucky fat chick.

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(647): View more from Ontario

I see you've set aside this special time to humiliate yourself in public.

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(254): View more from Texas

It started as a joke and ended with a trip to the emergency room, a broken macbook and a gigantic hole in the concrete of my driveway.

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(515): View more from Iowa

So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I cannot convey how much I really do love Chris Hansen. FYI: he is the JC Chasez of my adult years.

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(254): View more from Texas

Weirdest conversation with my dad. He just told me he didn't shave his pubes.

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(815): View more from Illinois

the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?

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(352): View more from Florida

he was holding the bottle like a running back yelling for security and the national guard as he was being tackled

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(231): View more from Michigan

A freshman just referred to Home Improvement as 'tim the tool man show'. People born after 1990 are not people.

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(208): View more from Idaho

Strawberries are so good its weird that food is growable

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(516): View more from New York

She literally thanked me for asking before I put in her ass

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(804): View more from Virginia

you went up to him and asked if you could have "friend sex." He looked like a 7 year old on christmas morning

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(317): View more from Indiana

idea:have a jello shot stand(opposed to lemonade stand) to raise money for spring break

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(703): View more from Virginia

I swear there's a gravitational pull from your vagina to large groups of men in uniform.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Is it wierd that you're going to be my best man and you've fucked my wife?

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(450): View more from Quebec

Hurry up. We're trading phones to prevent drunk texting.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Instead of asking if I had a condom she literally said " I'm not on the pill but I'm pro choice... your move"... I'm in love

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(818): View more from California

you know who we are? We're the female white stoner version of Kenan and Kel.

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(817): View more from Texas

Somewhere in the night I send my Dad a text stating "YOU failed as a parent"

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(786): View more from Florida

It's a gateway drink.... Starts with wine... Then I wake up in my car with mascara on my arms covered in french fries...

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just realized the hot girl at the office got a boob job over the Holiday.....she is now super-hot girl.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.

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(519): View more from Ontario

and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"

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(630): View more from Illinois

Dude, I went home and roller-bladed into her bedroom so I didn't have a 'walk' or shame in the morning..I wouldn't talk to her unless she refereed to me as Brink

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Recent Google searches: "babu kangarooz"... "why 2 tacos bell" and "is dinosaur in real life"

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(303): View more from Colorado

So you have no knowledge as to why I am hearing loud repetitive mooing from next door?

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(662): View more from Mississippi

I'm home and safer than post-menopausal sex; you're welcome for the image. And yes, I did just use a semi-colon hammered.

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(906): View more from Michigan

Thats why you have fulfilling relationships with nice girls and i have kinky sex with crazies

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(914): View more from New York

My mom is purposely blasting Shania Twain downstairs so I can't jack off.

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(740): View more from Ohio

well, i woke up this morning to a note i left myself my dry erase board, "dear you: i had sex with someone awful."

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(352): View more from Florida

dude they were twins that means they were both only 17

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(319): View more from Iowa

yeah, i liked him til i heard he had a sac that could apparently smother my face.

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(970): View more from Colorado

But then he started to talk about his wedding he wants and I quote " and yes parts will be choreographed"

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

it's like his penis is God's way of saying "sorry about his face"

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(217): View more from Illinois

The sound guy for the band told me id make a great valentines gift for his bisexual girlfriend

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(347): View more from New York

She uses my penis to point at the tv when we talk about the shows. I love her

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Okay, good. And if you have one of those portable strip poles that would be nice too.

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(972): View more from Texas

they say celebs die in threes. leave it to billy mays to throw in one extra COMPLETELY FREE!

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(631): View more from New York

Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.

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(727): View more from Florida

I knew he cared when I got his text "happy birthday to the girl who gives phenomenal head"

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(816): View more from Missouri

you were mass sexting so we took your phone away

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He was all up on my grill like I was having a BBQ. I DONT EVEN KNOW HOW TO USE A GRILL.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I would describe it as pure and unadulterated shock, mixed with horror and a touch of nausea.

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(812): View more from Indiana

You were yelling at the cops across the street saying they were at the wrong party

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(616): View more from Michigan

Princesses don't give blow jobs

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The reason halloween exists is because it's not cheating if you're wearing a costume.

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(571): View more from Virginia

Ended up passed out drunk in the neighbors lawn, still in costume. Neighbors thought I was a lawn decoration. Ten points for best Halloween ever.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Halloween 2010: the NuvaRing girls. You're Thursday. We'll walk into the party chanting "Monday, Tuesday, Wednesday, Thursday, Friday, Saturday, Sunday, Everydaaay".

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(708): View more from Illinois

she asked if she could keep her bee antennas on during her mugshot. i love halloween.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i just made a girl do the walk of shame. as a bumblebee. i love halloween.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I don't think my prof knows we've noticed her No Bra Fridays.

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(773): View more from Illinois

halloween is SO much better on drugs, why didn't anyone let us know about this when we were kids

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I basing my decision on whether or not to date someone on whether I could imagine having sex with them sober

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(312): View more from Illinois

Lets evaluate? U kissed one boss and lef twith another man. I cock teased the other, hardcore had a tongue jammed down my throat, made out w aa third then left in a cab w alex w them all yelling at me and offering rides. My cheek was also licked and bitten by 2 other men and we almost made out (u and me) because they asked. were hired.

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(650): View more from California

I am 100% positive that I have seen a porno that was shot in this bar.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah. Fortunately, the road to Hell is paved with naked 21 year old girls.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

Which beats the fuck out of good intentions.

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(917): View more from New York City

I’m once again drinking at eight am on a Sunday in my tutu. This garment is literally my best purchase ever.

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(618): View more from Illinois

was it you or me who tried to make the, what appears to be, nacho cake in the oven?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I might have to break the "you stay out of my sister and ill stay out of yours" pact that i have with tim

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Its not even 10am and we are talking about what guys assholes we would finger.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I'm giving up shame for lent. Here come the best 40 days and nights of my life.

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I dont wanna date her. I just wanna be able to run a blacklight over her face and prove ownership.

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(281): View more from Texas

Any toy can be an adult toy. Location, location, location.

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(319): View more from Iowa

Lmao the neighbor heard yall last night She wanted me to tell you way to finish strong

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(631): View more from New York

I may or may not have just visibly given him head in front of three young children and their mom. They all looked mortified.

(1-631): View more from New York

I think we should make a list of challenges so that when stuff like that happens, we can check it off. Like a scavenger hunt for hoes.

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(815): View more from Illinois

I just told this girl who bought a pregnancy test "good luck"

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(409): View more from Texas

You called in. Quitter. You stayed at home naked drinking again didnt you.

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(707): View more from California

Ate apple sauce off his penis. Nutritious and slutty.

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(831): View more from California

Don't EVER smell your tampon

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(925): View more from California

dear sober me, don't br the first to open the fridge in the morning

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My TA just asked me why I was late to class. How do I say because I was having the best orgasm of my life in Arabic?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Ahhh November 1st. National Untagging Day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I am the poster child for what not to do during sex. Soon they will be calling an undesired position after me

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(619): View more from California

you really should stop posting my phone number on craigslist as tranny seeking tranny, last night i answered at family dinner and almost choked on my hot dog

(716): View more from New York

do you not see the irony in that??

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(706): View more from Georgia

If she sucks any more cock I swear she will be a spermivore

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(915): View more from Texas

i either bought an eighteen year old girl or i'm engaged to her... i'm not quite sure

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(302): View more from Delaware

you goin out tonight?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

who is this.

(302): View more from Delaware

your orgasm for tonight

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(618): View more from Illinois

I believe I convinced two girls to makeout for freedom last night Hahaha

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

do you ever get flashbacks of ppl you had sex with and just shudder at how gross they were/how drunk you were?

(224): View more from Illinois

story of my life.

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(315): View more from New York

Had to use the product locator on on the four loko website to find them at home. Got to go in the backroom of a grocery store to get them. Dedication.

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(352): View more from Florida

I'm going to get drunk on champagne by myself.

(352): View more from Florida

Oh no wait my cat's here. Thank god for a second there I sounded really sad.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I think the sex offender registry is kind of a VIP list. You get to not live near noisy schools and parks and all your neighbors get to know you.

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(315): View more from New York

i shall enjoy my approximately 2 hours of being sober today

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Anywhere you can eat green eggs and ham, you can have sex.

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(810): View more from Michigan

I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.

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(248): View more from Michigan

so then you didnt wanna fuck tonight right?

(248): View more from Michigan

oops, you werent supposed to get that until you left.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

We put her face under a blacklight.....it looked like fireworks

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(540): View more from Virginia

it's pretty bad when you go in bed bath and beyond and recognize 6 different bed spreads you've had sex on

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(417): View more from Missouri

Whiskey dick.

(810): View more from Michigan

Yea dude! Love it. Hate it. Have it.

(417): View more from Missouri

Everyday of my life.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

hotel security told us you walked into the hotel with blood all over your dress, weren't wearing any underwear and were escorted back by three men who were believed to be "homosexuals".

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(904): View more from Florida

My motherly instincts are overcoming my slutty ones

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(203): View more from Connecticut

it was a sick party until you insisted on putting on "that's how I beat shaq"

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just made ouyt with a dude on the real wporld...I said I dont want my face blired out

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(858): View more from California

I've eaten ice cream, mentos, an extreme gulp and swedish fish today. i feel like diabetes. the actual disease not a person with it.

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(212): View more from New York

Too bad it's not "confirm, ignore or not unless I've had 20+ beers"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

so I was just driving high and I stopped to let a pinecone cross the road because I thought it was a hedgehog.

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(507): View more from Minnesota

So if a 2 is a 10 on the road... do we consider college to be "on the road?" help. its urgent.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Around noon tomorrow come looking for me. I'll be on Mill wearing whatever clothes I haven't lost yet. DO NOT REPLY. DO NOT ASK QUESTIONS. JUST DO IT.

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(407): View more from Florida

I may have just serenaded the sadface couple sitting on a bench outside the dorm by singing Bye Bye Bye.

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(845): View more from New York

It all boils down to, who else do we know that is willing to buy our friendship?

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(513): View more from Ohio

you just broke rule number 1. If you can't lift her up don't date her

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(941): View more from Florida

thanks for brining me home and putting me in my bed. the pillow fort your built around me is also appreciated.

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(305): View more from Florida

Either I get my picture taken sitting on a fuckin pony, or I'm not coming.

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(718): View more from New York

Y do pigs give u trufles on farmville? I WANT BACON YOU FUCKING PIG!

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(250): View more from British Columbia

SARAH B AND I ARE GOING TO GO HALFSIES AND BUY YOU A CAT. IS THAT OKAY. TO KEEP YOU COMPANY DURING THUNDERSTORMS SUCH AS THIS ONE. ITS BECAUSE WE LOVE YOU.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Thats my favorite, when ex girlfriends become XL ex girlfriends

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(571): View more from Virginia

So I went home with some chick last night... I'm not sue what's worse: not getting a nut at 5am, the condom breaking and not being replaced, feeling poo when I put my finger in her but, sleeping on a heroin mattress in her living room, her swine flu coughing fit at 7am or realizing she peed the matt at 10am. Actually it was probably the fact that she continuously told me she was the classiest girl in boulder.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just before going down on me she said, "I need a hairband for all of the jobs I'm about to perform."

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(817): View more from Texas

They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just saw the preacher from the church I grew up in while I was buying condoms at the drugstore... he remembered me.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Who spends 33 dollars at Taco Bell and lives???

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(706): View more from Georgia

So I'm going back to my apartment just to get my vibrator.

(404): View more from Georgia

I thought you were moving in with your boyfriend for the summer?

(706): View more from Georgia

Well....one will keep me from having to pay rent and the other satisfies. I'll let you figure it out.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

We found a stripper pole in your closet. It seemed like a good idea. Alex will fix the hole in your wall. Sorry.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Someone is gonna learn how to start an IV in the morning

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(204): View more from Manitoba

All I got from that conversation with the officer was "blah blah blah, you're disgusting, blah blah blah, $500 fine, blah blah blah, be in court Tuesday."

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(865): View more from Tennessee

got extra credit for showing up to class before a holiday. it hit me 5 minutes later that she meant easter....

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(954): View more from Florida

pedialite and red bull = repair kit

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I want you to come here and listen to her climax and then tell me how funny you think it is.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The more I throw up, the more I am remembering exactly what I drank last night...in order.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

fighting downstairs. join me tonight to hear their makeup sex. also, let's make skittles vodka.

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(760): View more from California

I can handle NPR. I speak hippie. I took it in college.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

That drug basically just makes anything that's in your mouth awesome

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(602): View more from Arizona

So he flipped me over and suddenly went limp then told me he was thinking about his ex.

(480): View more from Arizona

so you punched his junk, right?

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(913): View more from Kansas

I was able to overlook the Affliction tee until he took it off and there was another tattooed on his body.

(402): View more from Nebraska

Was it at least attractive minus the Gargoyles or skulls... or whatever affliction is putting out these days?

(913): View more from Kansas

Even a greek god couldn't pull it off. Told him I like Ed Hardy Better. Death Before Dishonor, baby. I'm sure it was a painful blow. hopefully he understands sarcasm.

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(718): View more from New York

My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

And he probably thinks I'm in love with him but after three shots of Patron you love anything

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(719): View more from Colorado

Apparently I told his new girlfriend to stop swallowing because she's getting fat. Oh, and I yelled this across a large room

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(310): View more from California

I hereby state that I am over the age of 18. If I am not of age to purchase or consume alcohol products, I hereby acknowledge that I have not received any alcohol products from said party host. Also, in the event of injury or death, said party host is not to be held accountable. Please reply with your full name and today's date for your e-signature". *note: no text, no entry.*

(310): View more from California

Sorry bro, just a precaution. You know, ever since the "Jake incident". What a douche.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DUDE, DID YOU KNOW YOU CAN JUST RENT AN ELEPHANT???

(1-919): View more from North Carolina

Oh God.

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(310): View more from California

I just realized my mom and I make the same noises when we have sex. Fuck.

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(208): View more from Idaho

you threw up out the window, wiped your face with a twenty dollar bill, and threw that out the window too.

(1-208): View more from Idaho

did we at least go back and get it?

(208): View more from Idaho

how else do you think we got jack in the box...?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct

(973): View more from New Jersey

that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand

(201): View more from New Jersey

she's a dina-saur

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

it was the worst sex ever in the history of sex. i mean ever. and he thought he was great. actually told me he was the best id ever had...what was i supposed to say? lol...i've had better times by myself. seriously.

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(757): View more from Virginia

shes the kind of girl that would cock block endangered pandas

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(407): View more from Florida

And before you get all mad cause I said "nipples," I actually discarded "you are so wet right now" and "you have such a raging clit-on right now."

(407): View more from Florida

That's called being sensitive.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I guess calling a coworker a lesbian sea cow is some kind of violation.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Why are you speaking in third person?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Because I'm so hungover that I don't even want to be myself anymore.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I just set the shake weight record at the bar. 20 mins of that crap and drinking beer through a straw will get the job done. I also bet the bartender 100 bucks I could go shot for shot with him. The date for that event is TBA.

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(415): View more from California

i think my love is proven by the fact that i still want to have sex with you after this conversation

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(323): View more from California

are you serious?? is your clit as sensitive as your emotions

(310): View more from California

i wish

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(540): View more from Virginia

my hippie aunt just sent me some brownies with a note saying not to eat them under any circumstances until finals are over. excited.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I love my penis, it thinks for me sometimes

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

What would you say if someone told you they liked your lips?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Which ones?

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Monday: I just need a drink Tuesday: OMG no more this week! Wednesday: oh shit how'd I get drunk Thursday: I'm glad you've stopped the pretenses

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(440): View more from Ohio

Day two of taking my adderall. I just organized the pantry and alphabetized my dvds. I've missed my mind on drugs

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(713): View more from Texas

I have now added draft and wells specials that different bars have to my blackberry calendar.. Help me.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

ARE YOU GOING TO SACRIFICE YOUR LIFE FOR MCDONALDS HASHRBOWNS

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(458): View more from Oregon

I sleep with the gay men, they no longer have questions about their sexuality. No strings attached at it's finest and i get new shopping buddies out if it. It really is a win win situation.

(350): View more from

You are my idol.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

We had like 4 guys come over and buy us all drinks as an excuse to hit on Kendra. Hanging out with her is now officially fiscally responsible.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

should my break up email to my English professor be in MLA format?

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(206): View more from Washington

i keep forgetting that not all of my female friends are bisexual.

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(512): View more from Texas

Well, love is in the air. And by that I mean: it seriously smells like sex in here.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Dude they even gave me free lube for being tested! Best. Hiv test. EVER.

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(516): View more from New York

He referred to his cock as "The cock" like it was third party or something.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

The great thing about skinny blondes is that they're all interchangeable.

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(206): View more from Washington

when she was cumming she looked like terri schiavo. it took all of my memorized porn images to not go limp.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Why did u sent me a picture of a dead horse?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

i could hear you having sex and was jealous, wanted to kill the mood

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(703): View more from Virginia

I don't want the last thing I hear while alive to be Jesse's Girl

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(224): View more from Illinois

She bought a fucking hedgehog. And that's just the tip of the crazy iceberg.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I'm pretty sure there is a country song about this exact situation

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(678): View more from Georgia

What are you drinking?

(404): View more from Georgia

Shitty Coors light. OM NOM NOM TASTES LIKE HIGH SCHOOL

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(562): View more from California

I've broken several federal laws in the name of sex.

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(303): View more from Colorado

What is wrong with this kid? He'll take ecstasy but won't take dayquil?

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(410): View more from Maryland

YOU SUCK AT REPLYING IM IRRESPOSNIBLY DRUNK WHAT THE FUCK ARE YOU DOING WITH YOU LIFE. celebrate the magicness with me.

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(+61): View more from Australia

can you please explain how one drink turns into 5 street signs with their poles lying around my room

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(512): View more from Texas

She refused to give me a hand job while we were watching a war movie saying she didn't wanna disrespect the soldiers

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(773): View more from Illinois

I have a great idea. you just need to get pregnant.

(847): View more from Illinois

Mother, no, i will not talk about this again. Please stop planning my unborn daughters life. I will not put her in pagents. That is trashy. Stop watching toddlers in tiaras. It is also trashy. I love you.

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(614): View more from Ohio

she sent me pictures of 3 different vaginas and if I could pick which one was hers i could sleep with her.

(614): View more from Ohio

I was always good at matching as a child.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

So baked. Thought the twigs on the sidewalk were caterpillars with the ability to harden in self defense. Had to pick one up to be sure.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

at one point last night, you were literally auctioning me off. "reeeally drunk hot girl ! we'll start the bidding at an ice cold corona. oh, we have a bidder! do i hear a shot of whiskey? going once, going twice.."

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

youre welcome

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(573): View more from Missouri

What's standard gratutity for someone having a miscarriage on stage at a strip club? It's important.

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(713): View more from Texas

screw it, I'll just be a stripper until next August when then are looking for suitable teachers to teach the future of America. it's like a feel good movie just a little out of order and im a dude.

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(313): View more from Michigan

So all semester this guy and girl have been talking, and today is the last class and we are doing nothing. I would have skipped but I want to see if he seals the deal or pusses out. It's like a season finale.

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(517): View more from Michigan

sometimes i wish i was the girl in a porno. that way if i couldn't get any, i'd just order a pizza and do him.

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(510): View more from California

He paid me to blow him while doing a handstand. Does that make me a whore or just a budding gymnast?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

His threats seemed pretty legit for a 6 year old

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(269): View more from Michigan

We were playing flip cup on the nice dining room table. Losing team had to shamwow the table in between rounds

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I miss the days of selfishly blowing a load in the condom without her knowing and acting all like "we shouldn't do this" so she would get dressed and leave.

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(813): View more from Florida

his phone is always ringing though. It makes me feel like I'm dating a doctor who's always on call.

(407): View more from Florida

yeah, dating a doctor sounds much better than fucking your drug dealer.

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(206): View more from Washington

Ok... I'm a little jealous... Grab her pig tails and ride her like a jet ski. Making motor noises is optional.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

The last mom I slept with was the worst lay ever. Imagine fucking a hairy wet pillow for 60 minutes. Good luck with your milf. I was joking about the Susan Boyle comment btw.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

Is this a genuine concern or are you just high?

(408): View more from California

JUST BECAUSE I'M HIGH DOESN'T MEAN ITS NOT GENUINE CONCERN.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

LSHMSFOAIDMT = laughing so hard my sombrero falls off and I drop my taco.

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(503): View more from Oregon

since you saved your number in my phone as "the hot chick you met last Friday" I don't know who you are either

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(816): View more from Missouri

My gynecologist inadvertently complimented your penis.

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(303): View more from Colorado

i wish that i had sketchier friends so that it would be easier to get drugs

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(248): View more from Michigan

I sometimes wonder how many of the girls I know have done anal...and why none of them have ever dated me.

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(415): View more from California

Remember ______, girl, blonde, one of my roommates the first year of ________?

(323): View more from California

Yeah we hooked up in the top bunk bed while simultaneously having a conversation with u, so yeah, I remember her

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I spent an hour trying to convert bar outfits to church outfits. Its hard.

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(630): View more from Illinois

if theres anything i pride myself on, its my ability to look homeless.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

There's still flour in my hair. And I don't even want to know what the neighbors think happened infront of my house.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

what do you think about when you wanna get rid of a boner?

(1-201): View more from New Jersey

dying kittens.

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(850): View more from Florida

I wonder if our vaginas are like "o thank god, no strangers breaking in tonight." Baahhhh sooo bad

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(203): View more from Connecticut

dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me

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(218): View more from Minnesota

The money shot is kinda like the "The End" part of a children's book isn't it?

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(586): View more from Michigan

so all night Ive been that girl with her tits out @ the bar. I mean I dropped jaws, yo. But in a classy way.

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(613): View more from Ontario

do you know what's more awkward than a positive pregnancy in a public bathroom?

(1-613): View more from Ontario

not a thing

(613): View more from Ontario

walking in on a stranger's positive pregnancy test in a public bathroom

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(423): View more from Tennessee

Next time we're there I want drunk pics of us trying to ride the stone lions downtown. Don't even attempt to fight me on this.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

Good news.. I found out what I did Saturday night. Bad news... I found out what I did Saturday night.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

try this...when you orgasm scream his address including city state and zip...

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(417): View more from Missouri

She was mid-sentence and then BOOM the hammock broke off the tree. I about pissed myself. Hot Sprite and Vodka make the world go round.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

We are having a competition to see who can masterbate in the wierdest place, right now hes winning since he masterbated on his Jr. High school bus.

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(240): View more from Maryland

When my alarm went off, he rolled over and asked me: Bacon or dick? Yes, I will see him again.

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(574): View more from Indiana

My mom just used the words "ice cunt". It may be an interesting day afterall.

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(520): View more from Arizona

please come you make the beer taste better

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(703): View more from Virginia

My econ prof just gave me a shot glass because I was the "randomly picked" winner of the lecture. Ties into our supply and demand lecture, supplied with a shot glass, demand a thirsty thursday

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(208): View more from Idaho

Grandma just handed out bail money... it's officially christmas

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Yes give me all the cream and he's gone

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(304): View more from West Virginia

my mother and i just seriously had a convorsation about why you cant Google "Refurbished Dildos"

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

She's doing shots in her underwear, a fur hat and mittens. I'm never coming home.

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(239): View more from Florida

Is it weird being in the house without any roommates?

(813): View more from Florida

Nah, just masturbating louder

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Fucked her within an inch of her life. Seriously. Don't choke bitches when they ask. Was way too drunk to be pulling that shit.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm gonna play a drinking game called "Sarah takes the train"

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(212): View more from New York

How's tricks little girl?

(205): View more from Alabama

Trix are for kids, old man.

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(541): View more from Oregon

If you made a robot out of pillows would he be nice? It's hard to imagine a mean pillow robot. And who came up with the idea of shaving their legs?

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(631): View more from New York

dude, i woke up naked in her front yard...apparently i tried to leave in the middle of the night, forgot my clothes and decided,"oh heres a nice patch of grass to sleep on" I think god is up there laughing at me.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

I am too hungover to address any of this right now, every time i move it feels like i'm being bitch slapped by the hand of God

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It's a system.. i get to hook up with them and you get to play words with friends with them afterwards.

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(360): View more from Washington

just an fyi, false alarm on the whole ghonnorea thing. you're safe.

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(512): View more from Texas

I received a letter in the mail from my ex equipped with a used condom,dirt, some hair, and a nude portrait of myself.

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(301): View more from Maryland

he can show you his cooooock\nshining, shimmering, splendiddddd

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(404): View more from Georgia

I'm pretty sure a girl doesn't give it up with a reverse cow girl...

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(231): View more from Michigan

we both passed out while playing beer pong, woke up in the morning and continued to play coffee pong to cure our hangovers

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(630): View more from Illinois

Sounds good! I plan on writing a book entitled: I've Probably Done Cocaine In Your Bathroom. A tell-all by Lauren.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Nah the bridesmaids all had dates. I slept with the next best thing: girl who WANTED to be a bridesmaid but didnt make the cut.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Had sex with him. My tampon is now in my brain. May need surgery.

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(775): View more from Nevada

I wore my front clasp bra so he would have to prove his sobriety to me before we had sex.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I really don't think you should have 'baptized' your tattoo in vodka the same night you got it.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said my breasts were God's way of making up to him for all the shit he's had to endure in his life.

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(785): View more from Kansas

MASS TEXT: who ever dared Todd to suck on the Clorox wipes last night.. good goin jackass. you can come visit him, hes in room 266, AFTER hes done getting his stomach pumped.

(207): View more from Maine

HE DARED ME TO DARE HIM... DONT PUT THAT ON ME.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Don't worry that pussy is fresh, I'd brush my teeth with it.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

So it turns out rose was the bear hunting girl. Fuck my life

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

None of those words made sense together.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Under no circumstances is it ok to do naked cartwheels in front of anyone. i don't care how much ecstasy you took

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

But you have work tomorrow. And a whore to pick up. And a dinner to eat. And a vagina to slaughter. Your day is full!

(715): View more from Wisconsin

I appreciate the concept of vaginal slaughtering.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

i saw the poster for your lost tequila... what a shame

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(503): View more from Oregon

we need to find an occasion to wear tutus

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(216): View more from Ohio

Just had such a rough shit, don't stop believin had to be played

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(256): View more from Alabama

Why isn't there a sort by hair color option on Facebook? It would make stalking much easier.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I couldn't help thinking that my sock monkey was judging me

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(408): View more from California

He's fat, has man boobs, and is uncircumsized. I feel like I won the last woman on earth prize.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

New dating criteria: what kind of ex will this person be?

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(360): View more from Washington

Apparently it costs $70 to clean vomit off the side of our apartment building.

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(206): View more from Washington

The bride says you won't want any of the single ladies...

(425): View more from Washington

Let's let the open bar be the judge of that.

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(703): View more from Virginia

apparently he was unaware pussies come in unshaved form. curse you redtube and your unholy lies

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(815): View more from Illinois

have u ever looked at the reflection of the water n watched the poop come out of u?

(1-815): View more from Illinois

why can't you just be normal

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(231): View more from Michigan

Those 2 guys from the sonic commercial will be virgins for life.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

know what turns me on? long, stringy hair on a pasty looking girl with an overstuffed backpack and kneepads over her jeans in case she falls off her scooter

(310): View more from California

your less of a man for seeing that

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(310): View more from California

Don't text me when you know I'm doing lines on my phone

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(919): View more from North Carolina

She got subburned last week and her bikini ties in the middle...when I took off her shirt, there was a sunburned bow between her boobs. Like a present. Happy birthday to me!

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I JUST WANT TO WATCH PORN BUT THE CAT IS JUST SITTING HERE LICKING HIS BALLS. I CAN'T DO IT.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Remember the time we were horrifically hung over, went to mcdonalds, an you merely felt the weight of the mcnuggets box and knew there was an extra?

(732): View more from New Jersey

like it was yesterday

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

there's nothing like watching the sun rise at the library alone on a friday morning to make you want to kill yourself.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

LMAO!!! just remembered you said this to me last night. "sometimes you post too many Jesus tweets. It's not that that's really bad... But I roll my eyes and you should know that."

(817): View more from Texas

I was drunk but it's true

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(512): View more from Texas

just served this dwarf dude an entire pitcher of malt liquor. watching this will totally be worth my bartender's certification.

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(914): View more from New York

My mom asked what the mark on my neck was - I told her I burned it with a straightener.

(845): View more from New York

She believed that the monsterous hickey on your neck was a burn?

(914): View more from New York

well, not really. but then i reminded her that my sister has yet to take that pregnancy test and she conviniently forgot about my hickey

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(586): View more from Michigan

I would literally rather jam a rusty rail road spike into my cock than be here right now. The whore showed up and now I might smash my iPhone into my face repeatedly until I'm no longer consisting of any sort of life.

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(804): View more from Virginia

Still trying to wash and scratch the glitter off of my dick. That stripper should be banned.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Does leaving at 3 give Sara enough time to take the bus or are you picking her up?

(573): View more from Missouri

I cant tell if your joking or not, but I'm picking her up

(314): View more from Missouri

Do you need some kind of permission slip from her parents or can anyone just go and grab a high schooler these days?

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(541): View more from Oregon

Haha that's why you never name the penis. Its like a pet, once named you will most likely get attached.

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(636): View more from Missouri

The Redheads category on Pornhub is my number 2 site behind facebook on google chrome. I think I have a problem

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(678): View more from Georgia

I officially became the girl who let a guy get her off under the covers last night while her roommate and a friend were there. He was impressed by my ability to stay quiet and stay relatively focused on the conversation...

(404): View more from Georgia

I am so ashamed of you, and yet so proud.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I just had a flash of memory of me asking all of the girls if they were on their periods. If they said yes I said it made us moon sisters.

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(515): View more from Iowa

Hey. Be honored that I consider you the genital expert. I know alot of candidates for the position.

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(347): View more from New York

the best days in LIFE are when you realize you arent pregnant

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Quick, to the slutcave!

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(936): View more from Texas

He was like a Bill Nye the science guy of sex....he was telling me things about my clitoris that I didn't even know

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(207): View more from Maine

she was left over bi-product, like the hotdog of the human race

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

Just saw a girl i'm pretty sure is simultaneously jailbait and a milf. I never want to leave mexico.

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(805): View more from California

Lonely and bored. Am I allowed to play Dance Dance Revolution by myself?

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(386): View more from Florida

tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN

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(204): View more from Manitoba

She's like Mona Lisa when she's intoxicated. No one understands her but they all think she's marvelous

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(+32): View more from Belgium

Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.

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(917): View more from New York City

im pretty sure every drug dealer is going to be able to retire the day after alice in wonderland comes out

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

You're so easy to please, it's adorable. Like an alcoholic puppy.

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(408): View more from California

I think I just got seasick

(409): View more from Texas

you're not on a boat

(408): View more from California

he has a waterbed.

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(916): View more from California

In order of importance: Where am I? Where's my car? Where are my clothes? Who is this chick in the room?

(1-916): View more from California

Anne's couch, the bar, your car, Anne.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

21st Birthday Idea: liquor store gift registry. Give me a promotion.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Only your wife would write 'for deposit only' on the back of that $1500 check knowing full and well our capabilities of spending it on strippers and booze

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(216): View more from Ohio

She put baby oil on her toes and i am not legally allowed to talk about what happened

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(770): View more from Georgia

She gave me head while using a laptop on my stomach to go online. I've never seen a better feat of multitasking.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

i gave him the "yep, i was your girfriend's collegiate lesbian sex story" head nod

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(917): View more from New York City

Walk-of-shaming home in that dress you got arrested in. Six guys called out your name when I walked past. I've never been more proud of us.

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(305): View more from Florida

I told him I would sleep with him if he could name all the colors of the wind.

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(818): View more from California

Part in the USA is on your top 25 most played on iTunes. you have NO RIGHT to judge me.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

no, didnt close...

(978): View more from Massachusetts

What?! she made the first move and invited you back to her place. thats like striking out in t-ball pathetic...

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(641): View more from Iowa

Sorry no. I've already promised my first single hookup to somebody.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Fun fact: female penguins have sex in exchange for pebbles to build nests. I now know what im being for halloween

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(714): View more from California

I think I left a blow job at your house. Can I come down and get it?

(949): View more from California

I gave it to your brother to give to you.

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(214): View more from Texas

hows that letter of apology to the waitress at waffle house coming?

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(813): View more from Florida

I slept walked to the toilet and woke up pooping. Easily one of the most disorienting events of my life.

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(916): View more from California

on the brightside, the semester can only get better from getting a dui at 8 am on the first day.

(1-916): View more from California

your optimism is becoming unhealthy

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(971): View more from Oregon

I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?

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(613): View more from Ontario

You may have noticed the broken smoke detector and melted carpet. We may have accidentally lit a ping pong ball on fire...I'm sorry, but we did our best.

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(540): View more from Virginia

I'm wearing the bright blue sombrero all through the airport as a sign of triumph that I survived spring break. I'm getting compliments

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(630): View more from Illinois

the maid of honor just got in a fight with the mother of the bride at a gas station across the street. best. wedding. ever.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Dude, we totally smoked up inside a church organ last night. Add this to the epic list.

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(916): View more from California

she's into porn, im staying here tonight

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(256): View more from Alabama

you were saying "i am the vodka queen!" and then in a different voice replying to yourself "all hail the vodka queen! you are so beautiful!"

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(720): View more from Colorado

dude you have to find out what a girl's name is before you sleep with her. if her name is debbie she's boring, if her name is lauren she's an overrated hoebag, if her name is meagan she gived bad head.

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(760): View more from California

Ew, dude I just walked in on my boss masturbating in the supply room at the restaurant. He didn't see me so I quickly shut the door and pretended like it didn't happen. And then literally five minutes later he came up to me and cupped my face with his hands and told me what a great employee I was. I got a promotion but I'm fucking scarred for life. I can't stop cringing.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just got to costco. Where are you?

(602): View more from Arizona

Liquor aisle, bring another cart.

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(317): View more from Indiana

question - sack: should she or should she not play with it during foreplay?

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(870): View more from Arkansas

do you think it i'm gay because i was in a 3 way lastnight?

(1-870): View more from Arkansas

well not if you dont touch the other dude and concentrate on the chic

(870): View more from Arkansas

what chic?

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(214): View more from Texas

Fuck u you updated twitter but didn't answer my text

(214): View more from Texas

I know you're alive

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(864): View more from South Carolina

the campus cop used the word depravity in our citation.

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(443): View more from Maryland

Drunk me thought he was hot enough to overlook the fact that he had poison ivy and still have sex with him. Sober me wants to know if you have any calamine lotion.

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(951): View more from California

Went to the doctors. She saw my " I love beer" tattoo. All she said was " My drunken tat is of just one word. "Cornnuts.". Then said Mexico was "awesome." And sent me on my way. Yeah. She's my favorite doctor.

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(917): View more from New York City

There is a new fb quiz: "are you at ypical woman, future ex or from crazy town" - should i take it?

(504): View more from Louisiana

Aren't all three of those the same though?

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(443): View more from Maryland

she was laying naked in the stream looking for "ribbays", which is apparently drunk for frogs.

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(415): View more from California

I think east. Tornado watch. What the fuck are you doing in Texarkana?

(512): View more from Texas

Bonnaroo. Tornado watch? Expand on that thought.

(415): View more from California

Watch for tornadoes.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Im so hungover that my 6 year old cousine made me aspirine and coffee out of playdoh...

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(347): View more from New York

we ike ciroccccc we love patroneeeee shost shothosthsothosthostsssss veryboyddddyyyy

(203): View more from Connecticut

go home

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

If the Four Horseman of the Apocalypse gang banged each other and had a kid, it would look like the creature I woke up next to this morning.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Mom got me cough medicine that tastes like tequila . She said she took taste tests. Best mom ever.

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(317): View more from Indiana

Her bed looked like it had just hosted a water balloon fight. It was that good.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Just got off the phone with poison control. They're more concerned about our alcohol intake than that the beer bong was last cleaned with pine sol.

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(516): View more from New York

i forgot i changed ur name in my phone to "the situation" so when u texted me i got really excited for a hot second

(631): View more from New York

i thought we decided on me being "the altercation" instead

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I'm not saying I want a booty call. I just want what Cory and Topanga had.

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(407): View more from Florida

You know, I really only think drinking is a problem if you're not good at it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

What you up to?

(734): View more from Michigan

Having coffee. Getting eyefucked. Eyefucking.

(248): View more from Michigan

Full throttle

(734): View more from Michigan

Some guys are relationship guys. Not our niche.

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(850): View more from Florida

Found a bar with a washer and dryer and they serve food. I never have to leave

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(443): View more from Maryland

So he says "lean over this" which is a chain across the doorway, held into the wall with bolts. I do. Then he puts his weight on top of me to try and get it in.

(443): View more from Maryland

It breaks. We fall.

(443): View more from Maryland

I now have a broken nose, a concussion, and an infected, split lip. Why do I have the worst luck in guys?

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(415): View more from California

When the cops knocked on the door, he just knocked back and announced "house keeping"

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(806): View more from Texas

This is the last time I call a hotel to see if you or some random guy paid for the room last night.

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(602): View more from Arizona

Tonight was fucked up. First my mom called me and told me I had to go to the bar to pick up my dad 'cause he was drunk. Then when I got there my dad was doing a body shot from this lady who happened to be my 1st grade teacher. By far the most awkward car ride home. Idk if I should tell my mom or not.

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(313): View more from Michigan

sometimes when you bring the thunder you get lost in the storm

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(607): View more from New York

Being the adderall dealer on campus, I feel responsible for everyone graduating.

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(509): View more from Washington

She was blacklisted from the Uhaul center...what the fuck do you have to do to get blacklisted from a Uhaul center

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(415): View more from California

She says she'll teach me how to make her squirt tonight so yea, I'm bailing again. I'm not sayin sorry since you don't have a better offer.

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(662): View more from Mississippi

There is a mirror in the headboard of the bed that I'm sleeping in so I can immediately question life choices when I wake up.

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(562): View more from California

Hows this for an invention: a toilet that weighs your poop

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Had to have a serious talk with my liver and remind it that it is my birthday weekend and there are three more nights like last night ahead of us

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(206): View more from Washington

Sometimes I get depressed that my son is too young to understand how hot his babysitter is.

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(425): View more from Washington

It was so delicious I was introducing it to people. Guy from my psych class was like "This is my girlfriend, Erica," and I was like, "This is my milkshake, Oreo."

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(217): View more from Illinois

This is all my moms fault. She shouldn't have encouraged my weird fascinations as a child

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(831): View more from California

So my girlfriend used a threesome to tell me she wanted to leave me for a girl... Not entirely sure how I should feel about that.

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(817): View more from Texas

Katie Perry lied, you can't just wake up and shake the glitter off your clothes.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

me and ur bf were arguing about whether coke was vegan. i really hope it's vegan

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(914): View more from New York

when my dick couldnt get hard she said "fly on little wing"

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(330): View more from Ohio

I really liked your hair last night but that style makes it really hard to hold it while you puke

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(313): View more from Michigan

I just broke up with my girlfriend lets go find strippers that need rent money.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I'm sorry. But when a stripper driving a Bentley tells me I have potential..... I gotta at least listen to her proposal. God did not mean for me to waste these tits on law school.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

This is a test of Andrews drunk texting, had this been an actual drunk text, all the words would be spelled incorrectly and would be missing key verbs and nouns, followed by a request to not get fired.

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(903): View more from Texas

Your beautifulness. Funnyness. Sexy hairness. Coolness. Plus you ask google how far wendys is from your house. Will you marry me

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(801): View more from Utah

Experimentation with dessert toppings followed by shower sex. Only logical progression bro.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Don't go all Obama on me. George Bush this decision and just do it. Thinking's for the morning after

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(630): View more from Illinois

I already wrote the apology to my liver. He knows whats up

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(240): View more from Maryland

so they are in my phone as twin 1 and twin 2. but i forget which is which. did i put them in order of who I hooked up with first, or who is sexier? cause i'm not trying to text the one with the girlfriend

(301): View more from Maryland

1st off, theyre identical. 2ndly, have i ever told you that youre a huge slut? hope that helps

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(713): View more from Texas

she was mad because i didn't remember our fuckaversary. fuck buddies are getting too demanding..

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(443): View more from Maryland

My eyes got the double whammy. Once with pepperspray from the riot the other with cum. Both of which i did nothing to deserve.

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(440): View more from Ohio

You've ruined blow jobs for me. You were the motzart of sucking dick, where every other girl is like awkward elevator music

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(512): View more from Texas

Should I feel bad that my boyfriend pays for my birth control and his friends get to reap the benefits?

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(616): View more from Michigan

who are you and why are you in my phone as dr. seuss

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(435): View more from Utah

When his Irish accent comes out my uterus hums. Or some productive organ down there, I'm not sure of the logistics

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(708): View more from Illinois

Mom just apologized for her lack of a gag reflex not being genetic.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Don't you think facebook is a bit pretentious, suggesting friends and all? No facebook, I would NOT like to be friends with a girl whose fiancee I have slept with.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey

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(530): View more from California

He was taking the condom off and he turns to me and says, "You know how snakes can shed their skin?"

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(425): View more from Washington

WHY ARE YOU POKING HOLES IN MY 3AM LOGIC?!

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I AM THE KING OF THE FRESHMEN

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

how did i know this would happen?

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(614): View more from Ohio

the wall and i were having dominance issues.

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(647): View more from Ontario

My picture of a beer can in a McDonalds cup full of ice got more likes than my relationship with her. Is beer THAT much better than monogamy?

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

Playing basket ball at the park with random people that showed up at 1am. the division of teams is based on what drugs people are on

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(256): View more from Alabama

she's bipolar. she literally has TWO facebook pages. one for each personality. this. bitch. is. crazy.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I face planted right in front of a cop. He looked at me, shook his head, mumbled "freshman" under his breath, helped me up and told us to get home safely. I love college.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

and if my full six pack comes in by Halloween there is no stopping the man slut costume. I have no shame

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(708): View more from Illinois

Last time I get high to write a paper the night before it's due. "Tiny Wings and sexuality" is not an acceptable topic to for a paper. Class in 30 minutes. I'm fucked...

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(480): View more from Arizona

...So a 6 ft tall drag queen in heels I would kill for just told me I have a dunkable ass. I'm confused...but I'll take any compliment I can.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Before I dignify that with an answer, let me get this straight. You're asking me if I wiped my ass on the towels?

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(703): View more from Virginia

Planned Parenthood should have gift certificates.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

take the plastic off of my new air freshener and i'm not going to eat you out for a month.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Really? How much of his life do you think he remembers? I'm pretty sure 75% of it qualifies as "kind of a blur".

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(802): View more from Vermont

I bought beer tonight and got 3 coupons with my receipt. Paper towels, laundry detergent, and Advil. I wonder if Stop & Shop predicts the future or just does this with every beer purchase.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Come in. Grab a controller and a beer. We've got some Madden to beat.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

You're the best girlfriend ever.

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(845): View more from New York

even a "fuck you" would be nice at this point.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I mean, it really isn't YOUR car until you have sex in it.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

You said you were collecting Asians for your Kate Gosselin costume.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Just saw a white bronco on my way home from work and the license plate said "NOT OJ"

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(631): View more from New York

if you ever come into my room screaming for me to set up rockband at 4:45 am ever again i will kill you

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(985): View more from Louisiana

It's like a mixture of two words

(985): View more from Louisiana

"town" and "Im too drunk to spell right now"

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(914): View more from New York

i saw her thong sticking out from across the bar...that was my cue

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(865): View more from Tennessee

is it mean to send ur x his condoms back because they are too small for ur new boyfriend?

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(585): View more from New York

i'm in his bathroom *freshening up* and he not only has a hairdryer... but a straightener. get me out of here... NOW

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(845): View more from New York

What is the pluralization of human? I just got humen rejected, and I am going completely blank...

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(949): View more from California

if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous

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(480): View more from Arizona

This girls a $30 bar tab from being bi

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

What's your middle initial? I need it for the census. I put us down as "unmarried partners."

(423): View more from Tennessee

Oh my god... you're gay. Ps, its A.

(814): View more from Pennsylvania

No no. According to the 2010 US Census, we're gay.

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(540): View more from Virginia

3rd rule of buttsex she must be clean and shower recently

(540): View more from Virginia

and skipped dinner

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(416): View more from Ontario

I just jerked it to the same porn two nights in a row... and she says I have problems with commitment...

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Just in case you were wondering I sent you a text at 4:37 in the morning because I woke up on the side of the highway at that time

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm getting flash backs of last night. They're coming in song form.

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(251): View more from Alabama

When they say "all expenses paid" does that include bail?

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Last night in my drunkenness I bought hurricane supplies which included a jug of wine and a bouquet of flowers. Apparently I'm going to woo Irene.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I drowning out her crying with songs from the Beatles it's good for us both. She relives her 30s and i dont have to hear her cry

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(409): View more from Texas

so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You think if I promise to behave for the rest of my life, god will let me fuck her on the regular?

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Best dream ever last night. You moved here. Your Spanish name meant highway. Your favorite food was styrofoam.

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(519): View more from Ontario

she's naming her girl london marie

(519): View more from Ontario

that kid will be born with a tramp stamp

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My friend and I just coined a new term. OBJ. The obligatory blow job. You totally know what I'm talking about.

(202): View more from Washington, DC

Like if he goes down on you first, or you just don't want to bone him yet. OBJ.

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(647): View more from Ontario

the laptop wouldn't balance on his lap. that's how well endowed he is.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

I hope no one judges me for becoming a facebook fan of "Adderall" at 5:49 AM...

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't want to smoke with her when she's on adderall. She carved her pumpkin for four hours & didn't say a word.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Have you ever secretly resented a girl for wanting to have sex when all you really wanted to do was rub one out and go to sleep?

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(530): View more from California

my mom noticed the "toothpaste" stain on my tshirt...she repeatedly attempted to get it off by licking her thumb and rubbing it. See Jenn it obviously doesnt taste that bad...

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(520): View more from Arizona

Life's too short to consider the larger psychological underpinnings of my lust.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

We're doing the donut challenge later. How many can we fit on his erect penis. Needless to say we get along well.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

The sun is out and the snow is finally starting to melt here... Vodka bottles keep popping up everywhere. Guess it's the college version of burying nuts for the winter

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(917): View more from New York City

i'm at a stripclub and this bitch just lit her nipples on fire!

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(613): View more from Ontario

You're doing that 'overestimating how much I care' thing again.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm wearing the jeans from casino night. Tell me why I have a napkin in my pocket that says 'dont fear me'? I'm hoping it was just a coincidence.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Man, I thought my dick was gonna fall off.

(309): View more from Illinois

Dude, I didn't even think they made slap bracelets anymore. You okay?

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(240): View more from Maryland

We left the window open. My vibrators funeral is at 2ish.....bring a side dish or some shit.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I tried telling you she just blew me in the bathroom but you were too busy making out with her to listen

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(434): View more from Virginia

I dont remember anything after Tequila & Apple Juice. May have disovered the recipe for mental bleach.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

My vibrator challenges you to a duel.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Ummm. I just wanna say this now: Don't let me invite the band back to the apartment to see my stripper pole.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I wish my new phone didn't autocorrect so well. People will never experience the magic of my drunk texts because they think I'm making a coherent statement.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Condoms? Check. Glitter? Check. Fuck me pumps? Double check. Dignity? No where to be found. I'm about to homewreck the shit out of that dumb bitch.

(360): View more from Washington

I've been meaning to talk to you about your lack of self-respect these days and the toll it's taking on your vagina.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

best line ever after sex today..."wow, that was a porn-star sized load"

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(503): View more from Oregon

Her boobs more than make up for all the flaws with her personality.

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(631): View more from New York

OMG THIS GUYS LICENSE PLATE IS GETTNHRWET

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(845): View more from New York

im poppin the ladies like they're bacne

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(513): View more from Ohio

I just found a receipt from ace where I bought 1 lrg plastic funnel, 2ft of 1" plastic tubing, and a 48" toboggan sled. Thank you cashier #552 for letting that poor life decision happen.

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(970): View more from Colorado

The Shake Weight not only toned my arms but significantly improved my hand job form and efficiency.

(352): View more from Florida

I still can't figure out why that's not in the commercial.

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(631): View more from New York

im pretty sure vibrators are the best invention since dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I'm skeptical of all drag queens.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Found our threesome girl. She says I'm pretty. She doesn't know I'm pregnant. Yet. Think we can pull it off?

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(314): View more from Missouri

Internet sex stories have completely ruined the word sopping for me.

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(619): View more from California

That was definitely a porn plot just waiting to develop...

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(225): View more from Louisiana

I can't try on my wedding dress because someone is trying to commit suicide in the store. Is this a sign?

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(416): View more from Toronto

that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She bent the beer can with her tongue. I'm scared of what she'll do to me

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(952): View more from Minnesota

Fuck winter. I had to scrape my windshield, shoeless, after the walk of shame so I could go home.

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(407): View more from Florida

I'm Still in a robe trying to piece together 3-7am I'll be there in a few

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Her thighs are so strong. I thought my head was gonna get crushed when I was eating her out

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(973): View more from New Jersey

as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.

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(205): View more from Alabama

i was holding a cup in her face for her to throw up in while screaming THIS IS THE DEFINITION OF FRIENDSHIP

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Do you how many people I've successfully loaded into a Mazda Miata? Six. Six people. How? Strategically.

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(702): View more from Nevada

It just sucks seeing everyone get flowers but me...

(775): View more from Nevada

yeah, but they die. it takes a while, but they die. just like all of these kids relationships will. tequila doesnt die. its a live in the moment thing... like a valentines day one night stand. so long run, tequila is the better gift.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

He tugged on my tampon string and said 'there's a snake in my boot'. Needless to say he called me Woody and quoted Toy Story the rest of the night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Just checked, might have creepy crawlies. What does chlamydia feel like? Not near wireless to consult webMD.

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(845): View more from New York

im wtih 32a right now bc 34d is on her period. now i know how girls feel when their hookups go from magnums to regulars

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(708): View more from Illinois

Hooking up with one of the deadbeat dads from Teen Mom does not qualify as banging a celebrity.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i spelled "betch" that way on purpose, don't question my abilities as a drunk texter

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(518): View more from New York

She begged me for sex again. I felt like I was telling a homeless person I didn't have any change.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

we are learning about oedipus in english. fuck you for making this awkward for me

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Tell your boobs to stop staring at me.

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(813): View more from Florida

that ring i bought was worth the 6 bucks. wore it to the bar, told some girl i was recently divorced and wasnt ready to take it off. just got laid. THRICE.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Breakfast tacos?

(1-832): View more from Houston, Texas

YOU ARE A FOUNTAIN OF GREAT IDEAS

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(248): View more from Michigan

the last time I saw her she was leaving the mens bathroom and club rush with her dress inside out. typical tease.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just invented new drinking game watching Hocus Pocus... everytime they say "virgin" wetake a shot and yell out "to j****"

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(254): View more from Texas

I'M GETTING MARRIED!

(512): View more from Texas

YOU'RE STILL MARRIED!

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(248): View more from Michigan

brass monkey on radio. cant stop dancing.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She wont be able to take it all. I'll use a shoe horn to get it in if I have to.

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(360): View more from Washington

Mega depressed bro. Had the greatest sex with the hottest girl I've ever seen and in the AM she gave me that look I've given dozens of times. I'm her drunken fat chick fuck

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(217): View more from Illinois

not the best booty call

(1-217): View more from Illinois

did she squirt?

(217): View more from Illinois

only if tears count

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(845): View more from New York

I want to break up with him.....but he has a george forman grill...like I need that

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(419): View more from Ohio

laying naked on couch sucking water through straw. i can still feel the orgasm from last night. thank you mdma.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Hurricane my ass. I'm riding a god damn kayak down the flooded highway if it's the last god damn thing I do, god damnit.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

Jesus christ how hard is BRING SNACKS AND DRUGS to interpret? I trust your judgement on this one.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just gave a gay guy pointers on how to make anal not hurt. Reevaluation of life choices: in progress.

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(816): View more from Missouri

Oh my god! She wrote the word ''hi'' in HAIR on the shower wall. What the fuck?!

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(513): View more from Ohio

you need to not memorize your credit card number for drunk pizza

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(858): View more from California

Just curious... Do you still have the cocks bracelet? You know, the one we pass around to whoevers been the biggest slut recently?

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(708): View more from Illinois

She started to tell me how she goes to a shrink, so I started thinking how to sneak out of her place, then she said part of it was for her sex addiction, long story short she's got her clit peirced n I just got laid

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(760): View more from California

Professor used "ROFL" while grading my paper... Do I even go to a real college?

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(707): View more from California

The strippers from this weekend suck at words with friends

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(912): View more from Georgia

Pre-drinking/conditioning my liver for this impending hurricane party associated with cat. 2 hurricane Irene. Be ready to roll in a weather channel minute.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Btw, whenever you feel discouraged about your life, think about me being frantically upset bc my mobile porn site limited me to only 5 videos a day

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

There's always one sober annoying person at a party. I hate responsible people. I just wanted to show everyone my nipples. There cute. She didn't have to stop me

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Let's enter the circle of trust. Are we there yet? Ok. If I somehow hypothetically slept with Amandas ex husband...on a scale of one to ten...how bad is that?

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(614): View more from Ohio

would it be completely unacceptable to smoke a cig outside naked? im already doing it so what you say doesn't matter.

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(512): View more from Texas

Top reasons to NOT leave jessica to her own devices : 1. Drinking becomes a competitive sport ( in which she is the only one competing) 2.big girl words= no worky 3. Whiskey refuses to be a good friend (as much as she insists ). 4. Waking up at six a.m. still in her swim suit is super awkward. 5. It isn't a fun game to figure out which person she gave her number to and 6. Yesterdays eyeliner doesn't look good today.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

I found him. We're on the way back to the condo. He was sitting in the lifeguard stand letting people passing by take pictures of his nipples for a buck each..he made 15 dollars

(1-252): View more from North Carolina

I take back all of the insults I've ever said toward those money makers

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Carpe scrotum. Grab life by the balls.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

My building was evacuated who wants to quake and bake

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(425): View more from Washington

I decided to have standards now that i've graduated. No guys without a bed frame.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Places you have drunkenly threatened to piss: my bed, my bros bed, my moms bed, my bros wedding

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(703): View more from Virginia

A slipped finger up the butt isn't the end of the world

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(203): View more from Connecticut

if my vagina gave out awards, he should be preparing acceptance speaches for the oscar, the heisman and the nobel peace prize.

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(818): View more from California

Tittie bar + Mother In law gone = mission accomplished.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just got released from jail. still in my kilt. bring pants damnit. they won't understand.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

pants will make it better? really?

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(505): View more from New Mexico

the igloo is complete. bring your weed and the hat with the floppy ears

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(541): View more from Oregon

You don't understand how difficult it is to give head with cotton mouth

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(248): View more from Michigan

i just identified you from a description of your pipe

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(253): View more from Washington

Best. Four. Twenty. Ever.

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(248): View more from Michigan

fix you gags fore go to garrits please? !!!!!!!

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What does that mean?

(248): View more from Michigan

How when the cu k dos I yet u

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Focus

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(423): View more from Tennessee

I just spent the last 30 mins playing uplifting songs to my uterus, & there's no way I'm pregnant.

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(313): View more from Michigan

is it STILL halloween? when did this turn into a week long holiday

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(830): View more from Texas

we've been doin it since '07. it's like married sex now, were both comfortable so neither of us really tries anymore, we just do it because it's convenient

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Penelope Cruz needs to learn American words.

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(850): View more from Florida

I cant wait for your democrat phase to be over.

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(540): View more from Virginia

You scratched my dick last night. It deserves an apology and I fell that actions speak louder than words when it comes to apologies like this.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Excuse me by sucking dick i am fighting crime. Just think of all the prostitues going out of business and getting real jobs.

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(518): View more from New York

I feel like college is just an experience in what names I can't name my future son.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My STD test came back clean. I'd like to thank all the guys I've slept with, they made this possible. I want to say thanks to all my friends, for believing in me living up to the full slut potential. And last but not least, I'd like to thank alcohol. I wouldn't be who I am today w/out you. I feel like I need to frame this...

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(601): View more from Mississippi

having sex with him was like banging macgyver. he did the most amazing shit with the simplest things

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(281): View more from Texas

Was just explained ingredients in a four loko. Puzzles of the universe starting to piece together.

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(727): View more from Florida

if hell is full of stilettos, fake tans, bleached hair, overused make-up, drawn out s's and blatent bitchiness, then i'm in hell right now.

(1-727): View more from Florida

Lol welcome to greek life

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

This is your monthly public service announcement that sexual services will temporarily cease from Wednesday night to Monday. Please plan accordingly and have a nice day =D

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(917): View more from New York City

There was a dismembered bleeding penis in my dream last night. That's some serious Freudian shit.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I don't care if shes your sisters age. Once someone is on my to do list theres only one way to get them off it

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(904): View more from Florida

Just threw up in the waiting room. I can't believe I have to switch dermatologists again.

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(443): View more from Maryland

we decided it was best to cut you off after we caught you trying to "baptize" my cat in the jungle juice

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

before tonight, i was terrified of what tequila would make me do. but all it did was make me hook up with a movie star. sooo basically tequila's my new fave

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(770): View more from Georgia

I have decided to cut my hair. This is based solely on the fact there is too much of it to clean vomit out every Sunday afternoon.

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(631): View more from New York

She told me I should be a condom model.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

WHY WOULD YOU LET ME MAKE THAT MUCH NOISE DURING SEX IN RESIDENCE ?!

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I tried to push your face into the pillow but then you kicked like a donkey.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I love tequila.

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(678): View more from Georgia

Apple trackpads and semen don't mix. On the way to the Apple Store.

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(269): View more from Michigan

So dude, she and I just got done having the most amazing sex, and then she rolled over and said that "lets make some tacos" and proceeded to the kitchen... naked... I'm buying the ring tomorrow

(1-269): View more from Michigan

Even the French judge on the olympics would give that a 10

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(949): View more from California

Getting food. Want anything?

(1-949): View more from California

Vagina. Double meat no buns. I have the secret sauce

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if this week's events in iraq have taught me anything, it's that when pulling out, always expect a mess...

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(559): View more from California

He threw up. He never throws up. It was like finding out superman cant fly anymore. I was so sad for him.

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(510): View more from California

he said he didn't have a condom.

(415): View more from California

and you said?

(510): View more from California

that that's fine cause i was ready to be a mom. yeah - he magically had a condom he forgot about after that.

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(315): View more from New York

as much as i want to say no i cant cause i need the trophy wife training

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(602): View more from Arizona

Yessssss I diiiiid! I enjoyed 38% of it. There are 4 qualifications and 2 were good. 1. There is a penis in my vagina (Pass) 2. It's a big penis (Fail) 3. The sex is long and exciting and makes me sweat and have 6 pack abs (fail) 4. I got off (uhhh potential to pass...)

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(860): View more from Connecticut

MOMMMMMMMMMMAYYY! YOU BIRFED ME TODAYY. IM CELEBRTIN ON YUR BEHAF! THANK YOU!!!!!

(860): View more from Connecticut

I always hoped you would never inherit this side of my personality. Hon, trust me, you're a mess. Go to bed...alone. xoxoxo

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(585): View more from New York

He set an alarm on my phone to an infant screaming and puking to make sure i take my pill. its working.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Take in how we used all the shot glasses in the bar in less than an hour

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(951): View more from California

Shiiiit I think I'm getting sick. probably had something to do with the fact that i shared my mouth with everyone last night.

(951): View more from California

Wait. That came out far sluttier than I intended.

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(678): View more from Georgia

you were calling yourself Ulickes S. Cunt.

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(559): View more from California

I just fucked 3 marines at the same time...how did you celebrate veterans day?

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

awoke with 47 plastic lawn flamingos in my bed and on surrounding floor. explanation?

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

you said they were your minions of evil that protected you from ferrets.

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(812): View more from Indiana

just saw my sister at the strip club... dont think she's "taking a night class over the summer"

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(815): View more from Illinois

I'm worried I'm going to miss my flight so I set a series of alarms on my phone to act as checkpoints to make sure I'll be there. 2am-stop drinking; 4am-stop fucking stephanie, get some sleep; 5am-wake up, fuck stephanie once more; 6am-get to the airport

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(519): View more from Ontario

oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.

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(303): View more from Colorado

She just tagged pictures of you wrapped in the "above the influence banner" like a toga.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

i am breaking up with you. because you wash your hair too much and you only drink light beer and because you're not party enough.

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(804): View more from Virginia

there are 10 yearolds here who keep calling me on the elbow rule!

(1-804): View more from Virginia

Wait are they playing beer pong to?

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I just saw a girl play flip cup with only her tongue

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm in love

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(512): View more from Texas

I don't know, But i remember him licking ecstasy off my boobs and my boyfriend cheering him on

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(214): View more from Texas

I have been standing totally still for the past 6 minutes because I was convinced my foot was tied to the ground. It turns out it was a string of hair strewn across my foot

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(206): View more from Washington

thanks for being my moral compass. and thanks for not always pointing north so i can be slutty and not feel bad about it.

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(707): View more from California

there is no amount of schooling that prepares you for when your morbidly obese 45 year old patient tells you she has her clit pierced.

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(607): View more from New York

Have you ever wondered what your stripper song would be?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She said her tits were too big, and he slapped her. He said that Jesus didn't appreciate bitches that fish for compliments

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(712): View more from Iowa

Also, last night I had a dream that I was in a victoria's secret fashion show and they made me wear a t-shirt over my lingerie. Spring dieting begins now.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

All I did was present the dick. You did the work. That's like thanking the pencil for a test you got an A on.

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(858): View more from California

She only remembers me when she's drunk. It's like I'm a suppressed memory that only surfaces with alcohol.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i know im back at school when i can poke any random spot on my body and expect a 80% chance that theres a bruise there

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(859): View more from Kentucky

While she was crying about breaking up, he looked at her through his fork and said "of course she's upset, she's in jail." Having sex with him tonight.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Bitch is talking to much, howd u ever get her 2 shut up?

(312): View more from Illinois

It's worth it.

(248): View more from Michigan

How worth it?

(312): View more from Illinois

Back door worth it

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

It really ruins the moment when you have to ask to resend the nude pics.

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(678): View more from Georgia

I've come to realize time passes slowest when I'm sitting in class, waiting for microwavable foods, working out, & giving head.

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(512): View more from Texas

Trying to figure out when's a good time to take acid and not tell anyone and see how long it takes people to notice

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(806): View more from Texas

Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Three questions... How drunk were you? How long until we can make fun of you for this? Do you even really need a spleen?

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(410): View more from Maryland

Just heard a guy on the phone saying " ya ill buy the eight ball " then came to my register to ask what asile the sugar substitute is on.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Sure, fine. Daughter just told me she is not a virgin anymore. I am gonna start drinking now

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(205): View more from Alabama

$5 off purchases of eighths or more today only. Happy tax-free weekend. -Your consumer-minded pot dealer

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think as far as last words to bitter ex girlfriends go, "enjoy that staph infection youre about to get in your uterus" is right up there with the best

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(972): View more from Texas

Whales. Broccoli little trees giant. Magic in cat form. I want my loco and juice. Black in shower. Brb remember life.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

those are such fre$h shoes

(1-508): View more from Massachusetts

going to ignore the use of the word "fresh" in a sentence that isnt related to produce and/or other food stuffs and especially the part where you replaced an "s" with a dollar sign

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(859): View more from Kentucky

the fact that he forgave me for making out with the bartender is proof that i can fuck my way out of anything.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Does he not understand that naked slip and slide needs supervision after dark?!

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(813): View more from Florida

she was rubbing her elbow against the fish tank and laughing hysterically then she said I'M THEIR FISHY GOD and watched harry potter

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(614): View more from Ohio

Immaculate conception is definitely the most boring way to conceive a child.

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(813): View more from Florida

I just found a porn show called cleavagefield. no i am not watching.

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(520): View more from Arizona

Found my new morning breakfast spot. Hospital cafeteria. Nobody asks questions, they just assume shit went downnn

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(972): View more from Texas

Remember that sex scene from American Psycho?

(469): View more from Texas

Ya, why?

(972): View more from Texas

We should try that some time.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Well, according to foursquare I checked in "@under the bushes" at 3:27am. This could explain some things.

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(514): View more from Quebec

you want to go make fun of the strippers on try out night

(514): View more from Quebec

i got kicked out last time for laughing

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(910): View more from North Carolina

phil was outside the bar last night, sitting on the ground playing songs on a guitar hero guitar to people walking by for money...best version of free bird ever

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(917): View more from New York City

she won't take no for an answer... no matter what language i said it in

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(214): View more from Texas

No, no, no. Fuck you. I took a glass blowing class solely to learn how to make that bong. You shattered it and my dreams in a matter of five seconds.

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(810): View more from Michigan

omg. why did you never tell me how amazing shitting and smoking is?

(1-810): View more from Michigan

i thought this knowledge was automatically promulgated at the age of eighteen?

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(501): View more from Arkansas

So on how many levels of wrong is it that I'm reconsidering my divorce simply because I don't want to go through getting used to shitting around someone again.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

So he didn't pull out. And I like flipped out. And the he told me to chill and opened up a drawer full of packs of Plan B and handed me one.......

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm maturing; i was gonna watch porn and then take a nap but i motivated myself to put my laundry in first.

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(770): View more from Georgia

Well, she's an atheist who is addicted to the Sims.

(404): View more from Georgia

Who isn't?

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i feel like verizon should give a sexter of the month award

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(810): View more from Michigan

dude i just heard a girl tell another girl 'what part of im trying to get laid tonight dont u understand?'

(810): View more from Michigan

needless to say i wont be back home tonight

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I love how all the girls on the plan b commercial wake up alone.. Like me

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(609): View more from New Jersey

Oh and apparently TSA has to open your present from my family or the terrorists win

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Step 1: drink. 2: drink more. 3: go for it. 4a: success. 4b: drink more. 5. drink. 6. go for other girls. 7. drink more. Sound good?

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(408): View more from California

worse. her friends hid in the bathroom while she gave me head and then screamed surprise right as i was about to cum

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(425): View more from Washington

we're doing shots for every degree below freezing it is outside

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(810): View more from Michigan

I'm sitting at the gyno watching cnn in the waiting room

(810): View more from Michigan

Everyone is walking funny when they come out, ugh I'm not looking forward to this

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(301): View more from Maryland

I ended up in a shower with 9 people and a bunch of unopened beer last night. I think I got peed on. Hands were everywhere. We sold the peed on beer to people knocking on the hotel room door.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Wow, now I'm sad I didn't go.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I cannot remember December 31 for the past 3 years. it might as well not even exist on my calendar anymore

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(804): View more from Virginia

I just made what I can safely estimate to be a 900 calorie pb&j. Fuck a serving size.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I just realized that all of my cardio comes from dancing on tables.

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(309): View more from Illinois

they bet me shots that I couldn't give people piggyback rides around the club just cause I'm 125lbs and a girl...I had a line forming after the third guy.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

New rule during sex: if it causes you to take your rings off, don't do it.

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(804): View more from Virginia

i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

She had a group on her phone called "great fucks". I was in it. It's almost like making the forbes list

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(951): View more from California

My 8 year old wants to name our new cat "fur burger". how do i explain that this is not really appropriate?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

lets hang out tonight and do stupid stuff.

(404): View more from Georgia

Dating you for 6 months was stupid enough. But thanks.

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(256): View more from Alabama

i dont understand blimps. what would happen if they collided would they just bounce off or fall to the ground.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

dude how high are you right now?

(256): View more from Alabama

do you think jeeves would know? you do it. ask jeeves.

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(757): View more from Virginia

im flying all the way to minnesota to see him for four days... cutest-best-friend-reunion or most-epic-booty-call-ever?

(804): View more from Virginia

who says it cant be both...

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(702): View more from Nevada

We need to either start getting drunk more often or one of us need to start doin drugs

(1-702): View more from Nevada

Wtf? Why?

(702): View more from Nevada

I want awesome conversations to show the world.

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(269): View more from Michigan

sometimes you just have to masturbate at your friend's house.

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(917): View more from New York City

Why the fuck is the royal wedding at 4am. That is obviously not the most appropriate time to drink during finals. It's like I'm bound to fail, by royal decree.

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(404): View more from Georgia

He just washed his hands with scrubbing bubbles yelling "They work hard so I don't have to!"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

He did the "not my house dance." Apparently it involves spreading cereal on the floor and then grinding into the carpet in bare feet while singing "not my house" over and over and dancing.

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(469): View more from Texas

Confirm your location. A cross street is best, but if google mapping yourself is your least-shameful option go for it. ps- going through his mail for an actual address is always an option.

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(818): View more from California

So i told my advisor i had to drop the class bc the prof said "supposably" and "irregardless" within the 1st 10 minutes of the 1st class; she agreed with me that dropping it was the best choice

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(925): View more from California

Woman walking into toby keith concert: 8 months pregnant, black eye, shirt on that has a picture of a boot and the words "we'll put a boot up your ass" with an american flag printed over--the sleeves were ripped off and she had a camo cowboy hat. Greatest thing I've ever seen.

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(314): View more from Missouri

It was awful until we put her on a word ration. And she rationed her words accordingly. I love blondes.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Sooo, drunk me had the sense of mind to write down everything that happened last night.....I bet you thought you'd get away with what you did to my parrot.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Lets drop out of school and be professionally skinny and drunk

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(917): View more from New York City

And if it was a miscarriage you should figure out whose it was. He must be an alphamale for his offspring to sustain life this long in the amusement park that is your body

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(406): View more from Montana

My absolute favorite part of last night was after I puked in the ally, we rounded the corner and you screamed, "she's ok!" and everyone cheered

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I just ate a bag of doritos while taking a shower. I can now officially do anything

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

in a garage, wearing a toga, theyre debating the logistics of Coke Pong. If I don't make it out of here... it was me who stole your Barbie in the 4th grade- I've never forgiven myself.

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(703): View more from Virginia

She highfived me after i yelled "I'm the clit-commander!" when i came. kevin smith fan and clearly a keeper

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(336): View more from North Carolina

i was like. eff you dude i'm 100% american. i went to a high school prom and i like springstein songs and i take rides in chevrolets.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I had a party to get rid of booze. Woke up with even more. Will do this till I can open a liquor store

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

You tend to look at life differently when you wake up to nutella vomit all over your room with no recollection of how it got there

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

You know how to spell recollection?

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(310): View more from California

i just called corporate taco bell to ask about the life span of a chicken burrito.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I love sluts.

(402): View more from Nebraska

I end my prayers with that every single night.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I am apparently in rockville maryland. I just threw up my tater tots I had fro brunch in a safeway parking lot. Then ordered a pizza. Pepperoni and pineapple. I'm sitting in the parking lot, next to my barf, waiting for my pizza. WOOF. Someone just gave me an oxycontin tab. Can u come get me? I'm scared

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

At least he's a nutritious stoner...

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(678): View more from Georgia

You can't date a girl from every country.

(770): View more from Georgia

I'm the captain planet of women

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Life lesson learned last night, if you are too drunk to use the atm leave the strip club

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(336): View more from North Carolina

the red, white, and blue power rangers were all also in the porn buisness, good bye childhood

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(1-415): View more from California

What kind of soap washes out shame, bad decisions, and whiskey?

(415): View more from California

Irish Spring?

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(956): View more from Texas

Soo I got blood taken today and when the doctor came back with the results she said "you aren't sick but the tests show that you are currently drunk..."

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Add "its too hot" to reasons why I don't get fucked anymore

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

This is final. The chair stays in the bathroom, we are too old to be puking from the floor, grown ups sit in chairs infront of the toilet to puke.

(1-978): View more from Massachusetts

Or grown ups don't drink themselves into vomiting.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

the whole "pretend to be sober/pull it together for my family" thing really blew up in my face when i threw up into my pillowcase.

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(705): View more from Ontario

All I heard was "I swear it'll be funny" and then we were in jail.

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(614): View more from Ohio

the best thing about long term relationship is that the fact that i bothered to shave my legs today counts as a valentines gift

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(651): View more from Minnesota

i cant talk right now. we are trying to finish our homework so we can play with play-doh

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(818): View more from California

I regularly think about how cool your nickname is

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(714): View more from California

Being a girl sucks.

(949): View more from California

Being a boyfriend sucks for about a week, too

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(251): View more from Alabama

About tomorrow. if it dosent fit dont force it. Just pushit as far as you can and i'll wiggle the rest of the way

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I fed the cats at 7 am, made her eggs, gave her oral, and now I'm helping her clean and baking her brownies. Cosmos got nothing on me.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I dont know if he should be happy or mad about it but he's too big for a blow job.

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(314): View more from Missouri

screw that ipod for my birthday.. i just want a weed brownie the size of my face. that's all.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop texting my girlfriend.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

i would really appreciate it if you would stop cock blocking me.

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(214): View more from Texas

A lesson I learned in the hospital....when you masturbate while attached to a heart monitor, it scares the nurses a lot.

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(706): View more from Georgia

Her name starts with A and ends with whore.

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(651): View more from Minnesota

Woke up to a bottle of gatorade and a packet of saltine crackers tied to underwear hanging from my ceiling fan, along with 3 advil stuck to a piece of duct tape and a note saying "have a happy hangover- <3 you/me"

(612): View more from Minnesota

Drunk you is pretty stunner.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Were not alcoholics, were just impatient for fridays

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(706): View more from Georgia

Noooo. We thought it would be funny for him to wake up buried in the sand. But we just remembered about the whole high tide thing and it's dark and it's pretty damn hard to find an unconscious head sticking out of the sand. Just help us out

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(214): View more from Texas

he found my favorite bra, 3 thongs and a pair of jeans and gave them back. i love move out day.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My RA just gave me tips on how to have discreet shower sex. Were we that loud?

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(734): View more from Michigan

Wish you were here....

(734): View more from Michigan

And I wish your mouth was around my cock, but that never happens, does it?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I don't do stupid things anymore. I do stupid people.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

When he came he sounded like a flock of birds hitting puberty

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(971): View more from Oregon

one of my coworkers is shitshow drunk, getting naked. she's about to ride the bull.

(706): View more from Georgia

i was just going to ask if it would be cool for me to come and have a beer...

(971): View more from Oregon

it's total chaos here. i may ride the bull... i'll be visible.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I really like you, but I want to get to know you on a time when I am not at drugs.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate it when she philosophizes drunkenly on my kitchen counter. not even sober do i understand latin.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Its great. Every time she starts barking i know ive got approximately 37 seconds to hide my gf in the closet and throw some clothes on

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(754): View more from Florida

I feel like the other woman.

(954): View more from Florida

You ARE the other woman.

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(585): View more from New York

Did you just buzz the apartment and throw shit at the window? Josh and rob came into my room and woke me up

(1-585): View more from New York

Fuck you Ian. U owe me $3.65 cuz thasts what I thfrew at ur window trying to wake ur ass up. And fuck u for not giving a shit

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(079): View more from

I think we need to take a brake

(078): View more from

What upsets me the most about that is that you spelt it 'brake'

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like to use the word "seasoned" over "slutty", you know, like a good curly fry

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(434): View more from Virginia

i said good morning to each one of his abs personally

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(856): View more from New Jersey

12 trash cans filled with water. Beer cans floating in each, 12 ft apart. Dodgeball. Ultimate beer pong.

(856): View more from New Jersey

Rules. We have to wear superhero outfits

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

The only downside so far to having a guy roommate is that when he's doing a walmart run, I just can't bring myself to ask him to pick up a pregnancy test for me. I feel like that's just too much too soon.

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(630): View more from Illinois

it's official, after last weekend my girl number is higher than my guy number. fix this.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

Well someone named our apartment "the eiffel tower" on facebook check-in so I think they know..

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm gonna laugh so hard when we're both married with families

(570): View more from Pennsylvania

That statement alone makes me laugh so hard.

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(240): View more from Maryland

There's a sucker born every minute but swallowers are harder to find.

(443): View more from Maryland

So glad I found your sister.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Ive made peace with the fact that i will accomplish nothing except liver damage today

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Let's just go topless and paint glitter over our nipples who the fuck cares

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Five things that make you perfect. Go.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

The skin of a dead hooker. The blood of the innocent. The soul of a kitten. The hat from cat in the hat. And sunglasses.

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(517): View more from Michigan

But fine, we can play that game. You can come over and we can have totally platonic, long, boring discussions. Or we can fuck. Whatever.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Don't do anything you wouldn't want to explain to paramedics

(416): View more from Toronto

But that's half the fun of it

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(734): View more from Michigan

you called your neighbor "slutsauce" then passed out on the stairway. not even sure why, but props to you.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It came up in court that I told the arresting officer my name was Thomas Jefferson, and I was born in 1776. I almost kept a straight face. Almost.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

You claimed your dick was a divining rod, spun in a circle 3 times and walked into the bar you stopped in front of...consequently there was a bikini shoot going on

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(330): View more from Ohio

The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Find out what day classes start and I will come down to Richmond that weekend. Any broad who claims to be 18-21 will be promptly ID'd. My job has trained me to spot a fake from a mile away, and I don't need a statutory rape charge.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

This is how I ended up being the slutty friend isn't it?

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(248): View more from Michigan

So, your mugshot picture is behind the counter at B-Dubs, with the caption: "not allowed on premesis."

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(626): View more from California

I can't decide who is the bigger alcoholic: you for opening that bottle of wine just now or me for hearing it in the other room over the air conditioner

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(423): View more from Tennessee

All I know is he mentioned whips, leather cuffs, and a riding crop. It's like Halloween, Christmas, and My birthday all in one. a 5 year old couldn't even possibly be this excited.

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(248): View more from Michigan

we can add 'stealing hydrangeas from the sign in front of the credit union because we're too poor to have all of the flower arrangements professionally done' to my list of maybe-felonies

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(409): View more from Texas

The sex I just had was not worth missing a girls night out.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

My bra broke.... so I Macguyvered that shit together with floss

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(218): View more from Minnesota

i just realized that fran drescher is the 90's version of a guidette.

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(831): View more from California

just woke up to two already rolled blunts and a full explanation of what happened last night. I love my gf

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

this lesbian fantasy crush is getting WAY out of hand. just spent an entire meeting staring at her long fingers thinking, "oh those could be fun"

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Dude! wtf happend last nite? I woke up with 2 black eyes and a head ache

(225): View more from Louisiana

You stepped off the curb and face planted the road...twice

(504): View more from Louisiana

Why didnt you hold me up....and why a second time?

(225): View more from Louisiana

I helped you up but figured it was wayy funnier to watch you fall again then lose my buzz....

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(330): View more from Ohio

I learned 3 things lastnight....1. Turkeys are related to the t-rex. 2. Whales have leg bones cause they used to walk. 3. I will sing drunk in the waffle house, but not during karaoke in the bar

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(203): View more from Connecticut

You obviously dont comprehend the level of insane i operate at

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(916): View more from California

you want your laptop back?

(1-916): View more from California

are you giving me my laptop back, or cashing in on our break up sex?

(916): View more from California

both.

(1-916): View more from California

come over.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

We made it a contest to fuck on everything in your room while you were on vacation.

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(530): View more from California

I thought he wouldn't talk to me again. You know, what's that saying "why buy the cow when you can fuck it six hours after meeting"

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I tried to tell her I've only slept with 3 other people...she then named off 5 of her sorority sisters I fucked and asked me if she should continue

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(903): View more from Texas

Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Who wants to bang the sort of girl you can get with Axe body spray??

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(317): View more from Indiana

The future queen of Norway was pregnant with a druglord's baby when she met the prince. We still have hope.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I hope making "real" money at your "real" job is worth it because you totally missed beer and dorrito mac n cheese tuesday.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

are you just going to ignore any texts involving my penis from now on? because thats going to shut down a pretty sizeable portion of our conversations.

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(210): View more from Texas

By the grace of god and the ingenuity of Alexander Graham Bell, this text message is made possibe: YOU ARE A WHORE

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(212): View more from New York

I know she is the girl of my dreams bc she orgasmed, rolled over and then asked if I knew that Orlando beat Cleveland.

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(360): View more from Washington

i havent blinked in 235 seconds. now 247. now 258. 263. 267. 271. i also have been gifted with theability to both type and count and not blink. 293 so magical

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(732): View more from New Jersey

wore my lacy blue thong that says "hello there" across the front today for my gynecologist appointment. I live to make people uncomfortable

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(703): View more from Virginia

I just googled "semen solvent" and got nothing. there has to be something that will wash this shit off!

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I see a marketing opportunity

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(253): View more from Washington

so explain to me why i woke up in jail this morning

(1-253): View more from Washington

because you opened a jar or pickles and a bag of fritos and layed down in the middle of aisle 7 while singing 'la cucaracha'

(253): View more from Washington

no more ever clear

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(703): View more from Virginia

im at that stage where all she has to do is cough or something and it pisses me off

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(949): View more from California

We call it lazy sex. We just lay next to each other and help each other masturbate. that way we can both be on bottom.

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(319): View more from Iowa

We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Apologies for hacking your facebook and posting that picture of you passed out hooked up to the IV...but we were sat with you on the ER floor for 3 hours, it got boring

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

Hung over does not do it justice. I am hung like a horse over. I am hungover and over and over. I am hung, drawn and quartered fucking over. They just told me I can't keep my sunglasses on in the office. Fuck drinking with you people.

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(719): View more from Colorado

I was puzzled last night that there were shots waiting for us when we got there. Just read my messages and saw you were ordering from the bar via texts.

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(913): View more from Kansas

I'm not sure, 7-8, the last bit was a rush of at least three blended together. Basically you fucked me so stupid that I can't even recall the number of orgasms.

(1-913): View more from Kansas

So you know, I'm making that my facebook status.

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

We shared that special kind of eye contact that can only be experienced when you know one party is saying "Oh god, I fucked him in the back seat when you were in the front, didn't I."

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(810): View more from Michigan

My t9 writes chubies instead of bitches.

(1-810): View more from Michigan

either way. win, win.

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(707): View more from California

he was so drunk I had to hold him up and he started crying when he heard an ambulance siren and said "is that for me?"

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i wanted to tell my neighbors to shut up it was 4am, but listening to her rag on him for his minute man routine was actually entertaining

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(609): View more from New Jersey

friends don't let friends hook up with gingers.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

May have finally hit rock bottom...bouncer from the strip club informed me I wore the same shirt last night

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(904): View more from Florida

So I decided to start saving money for my abortion in a tomato sauce jar because it says ‘Prego.’ I know I thought it was fucking genius!

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(248): View more from Michigan

how about we just leave your boyfriend out of this

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(973): View more from New Jersey

all we did was drink wine and talk about how people who dont have facebook dont exist.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

He literally had no idea who I was, so he made me turn around 360 degrees and when he saw my ass, he blurted out my first AND last name.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's sad that I have started checking out the ring finger before the rack...I'm getting old

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(646): View more from New York

Please don't use social media to get back at me.

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(281): View more from Texas

I know I'm not the first to fuck in a park but i deserve props for doing it at 3pm. On a sunny day might I add.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Just reduced mom to tears when she realized I wasn't kidding about hating kids. She's crying about never being a gma. Now would be the time to tell her about the girl you knocked up. You're welcome.

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(907): View more from Alaska

the liquor store lady asked about three times if I was sure about buying two fifths of everclear. i told her I wanted to be on cops

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(217): View more from Illinois

I've started making all these amazing things...like bananas rolled in doritos..bandritos.

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(302): View more from Delaware

when are you leaving homes?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

it's 7:51. why the fuck are you awake at 7:51

(302): View more from Delaware

I had a sex dream about Oprah.

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

go back to sleep

(302): View more from Delaware

dude. it was a sex dream. about. Oprah.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

the snow is so cold on my vagina.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do you have snow on your vagina?

(580): View more from Oklahoma

vodka and heels.

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(314): View more from Missouri

No, i went to get it done but the guy couldnt find it. exhibit A of why i wanted a clit piercing in the first place.

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(718): View more from New York

im getting my college education on yahoo answers.

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(863): View more from Florida

I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.

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(309): View more from Illinois

so, my congressman just called me to say he has office hours this week if i'm still interested in talking to him. i pray to god this is not related to Friday.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

When you awake you'll realize that your car is missing....just know that I had it and becuz of your car I hooked up with the hot bar tender that looks like that guy from bay-watch however I parked it in a loading zone and it was towed...that sex was TOTALLY worth it love you

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(510): View more from California

On ecstasy, in Ikea. this is incredible.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I can die happy now, I have been kicked out of strip clubs on six different continents

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(650): View more from California

OH MY GOD. JESUS STRIPPER. THERE IS A JESUS STRIPPER HERE. A STRIPPER DRESSED AS JESUS.

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(734): View more from Michigan

i was shrooming and she was sobbing. i was trying to be sympathetic, but i could see the veins working like worms under her skin. and then her face stripped down to the muscle.

(1-734): View more from Michigan

what was she crying about?

(734): View more from Michigan

i wanna say it was the lack of skin on her face but maybe she lost her job.

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(903): View more from Texas

omg. he's a virgin strip club employee who's going to college on a ping pong scholarship. this is unreal.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Strip beer pong in the front yard? Of course the cops showed up

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(661): View more from California

It's ok I'm watering my plants with a 40 in my camelback, people are staring

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(212): View more from New York

mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.

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(303): View more from Colorado

My family just suggested tequila shots. I had Vietnam style flashbacks.

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(248): View more from Michigan

New moon trailer came on. Theater booed. I love these people.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

and I'm sitting five inches from the tv scrunched up in a ball watching doug. It's like I'm five again...except I'm more stoned than the dude who created this show

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(757): View more from Virginia

some girl just asked me if I was that guy that hooked up with nine girls in one night. officially a local celebrity. gonna try and autograph her boobs.

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(212): View more from New York

So I'm seriously not complaining - but I just fell ass backwards into a Tuesday night threesome. Sober

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hey. Whatever time u wake up let me know Ur alive. I need my vegas partner... I don't think they let u take corpses on a plane.

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(334): View more from Alabama

I told a kindergarten student that candy canes are bones of reject elves.

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(323): View more from California

Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.

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(305): View more from Florida

your profile still reads that you like women...interesting? I think there is some photography and video that will show otherwise

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(701): View more from North Dakota

entire chemistry final was about beer... i actually might miss this place

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(707): View more from California

he doesn't care that i have a boyfriend so why should i?

(1-707): View more from California

logic in its finest

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(479): View more from Arkansas

When I came in she was screaming "boundaries!" at the cat because it was trying to eat her pizza rolls.

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(805): View more from California

found: crazy homeless guy quoting Quagmire lines to every chick he sees. i think i win the scavenger hunt.

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(386): View more from Florida

its all coming back to me in waves....waves of humiliation and nausea.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

Umm I need a rain check. Long story short is I have scabies. Research it if you want. I'll tell you everything another time soon, I promise.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

'Watching yourself cry on Photobooth' is the new 'watching yourself cry in the mirror.'

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(480): View more from Arizona

Do you have any idea why the dryer isn't working?

(325): View more from Texas

Because you touch yourself at night.

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(631): View more from New York

"too many" and "free shots" never belong in the same sentence

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(310): View more from California

I was surprised he admitted he couldnt keep up. We both knew but usually they dont come out and say it

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(845): View more from New York

what is it about summer that misdirects my moral compass so much?

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(785): View more from Kansas

I booty called her while she was in labor.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

FYI, your girlfriend is on her way to the ER. She tried to balance a bottle of jack on her chest. Smashed toes, blood all over patio. Call her, kinda funny though.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Delete her number from his phone. He keeps slurring how he's going to get her "all sorts of pregnant".

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(770): View more from Georgia

he's my ex-boyfriend's best friend... he tried to make out with me to prevent me from hitting his friend. then they almost fought about it.

(352): View more from Florida

teach me your ways.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Our idea of a "deep conversation" was successfully forming complete sentences.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.

(406): View more from Montana

And we all know God doesn't like sinners.

(701): View more from North Dakota

Amen.

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(360): View more from Washington

Wife passed out. Doing shots with the hot bartender... Don't tell me I don't know how to celebrate a 1yr anniversary

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(607): View more from New York

Your fb status are always so intriguing.. Often make me picture you naked

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(530): View more from California

I have the coolest burn here. Everyone is taking my picture. I'm like a celebrity of the burn victims.

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(727): View more from Florida

And this is the part where I need you not to judge me. Remember that I have never seen a penis do that and that I have a weird sexual curiosity

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(214): View more from Texas

The lady next to me at the airport just baggage checked a six pack. She is now my hero.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Either I put my underwear on inside out and wore it like that all day, or I had sex with him. Its sad I have to guess.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I found a ladder. I don't know where I am. Gonna climb it. I feel like aladin

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(440): View more from Ohio

i stalked him back to the creation of his facebook in november 2008. that bad.

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(310): View more from California

I feel like a combination of david goes to the dentist and drunkest guy ever goes for more beer

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(505): View more from New Mexico

I thought you said his peep was too small

(1-505): View more from New Mexico

it is but i have no money and nothing is on tv until 7 when americas next top model comes on.

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(303): View more from Colorado

They high fived mid Eiffel Tower, then we all proceeded to talk about how our friendship is much stronger now. I'd say a successful first threesome.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Doing laundry, just found a knob off your stove in my pants pocket. I don't know.

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(515): View more from Iowa

When I come over I'm bringing "Socky" the Alcoholism Prevention puppet, today he is going to tell you boys about his FAVORITE word---its called "moderation"

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(248): View more from Michigan

Life lesson: When you compete in an impromptu "bloody mary chug-off," in the end, no one wins.

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(206): View more from Washington

What should I wear?

(808): View more from Hawaii

Uhhhhh...idk? it's a gay bar

(206): View more from Washington

I found something that says "i'm here to party, but not fuck guys."

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(714): View more from California

Eh, not fuck buddies. I prefer sexercise partner.

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(512): View more from Texas

just accidentally masturbated with tiger balm. best. accident. ever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He used his one phone call to tell me not to let anyone drink all his vodka until he could bail himself out.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Do I buy ice cream sandwiches or a 40? these are the difficult life decisions I am faced with.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Her "get-your-paper-done-early-blowjob" incentive is the thing that has successfully deterred my procrastination

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!

(317): View more from Indiana

Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?

(630): View more from Illinois

Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hoooooo maaaaan

(313): View more from Michigan

Yes?

(248): View more from Michigan

I'm retarded. Again.

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(917): View more from New York City

Numbies before the dentist, such a good idea.

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(740): View more from Ohio

she was like the girl next door.. if you lived next door to a whorehouse

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(678): View more from Georgia

Getting sheets for college, what is the thread count that shows the least amount of cumstains?

(1-678): View more from Georgia

630.

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(469): View more from Texas

You owe me 10 bucks. He wasnt in jail. Found him at 530 this morning when the smoke alarm went off. He passed out naked in the middle of cooking bacon. No idea where he was before that.

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(512): View more from Texas

halloween costumes for girls are easy, slutty teacher, slutty cop, slutty nurse, etc...

(480): View more from Arizona

exactly, that's why i want something interesting

(512): View more from Texas

slutty neuroscientist?

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(586): View more from Michigan

Regardless thnx for trying to help out, I realize we are dealing w/ very stupid girls here

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(518): View more from New York

plan d- we get drunk, go see that Justin Bieber movie and freak out 13 year old girls.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I dont even clean my room anymore .. i drunk proof it for when i come back smashed with a guy

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I puked a lego.

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(512): View more from Texas

just checked my call log and realized that we talked for 3 mns. what did i say for that long?

(1-512): View more from Texas

pretty standard. you have fun last night?

(512): View more from Texas

apparently....what exactly does 'pretty standard' mean?

(1-512): View more from Texas

typical hot then cold, followed by a death threat.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

We welcome drunken adversity.

(1-724): View more from Pennsylvania

With open legs.

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(917): View more from New York City

You were hugging the toilet and shouting "don't let fatty eat me" through the closed door.

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(650): View more from California

an off duty cop drove behind me last night to make sure i didnt get a dui. i was blacked out drunk and on a pill of ecstacy. he knew this. i must be really pretty.

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(925): View more from California

I didn't go out last night, but I dreamed that I blacked out and the *CRAZY* thing I did was to eat 12 cupcakes off 12 diff plates and stack them up neatly. If I had a life, I'd hate it.

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(815): View more from Illinois

my six pack is really starting to show since I started fucking everything that moves

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(248): View more from Michigan

whoever set the energy saving light timer in the lobby bathroom cleraly has no concept how long a work dump takes

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(561): View more from Florida

Bad news is he broke up with me via text message

(561): View more from Florida

But the good news is I've returned as mayor of whoreville

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

If I die on my trip, you're my chosen person. Nightstand-vibrators. Computer-iphoto naked pictures. I hope you feel honored.

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(760): View more from California

The doctor wrote 'condom retrieval' on my discharge paper.

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(703): View more from Virginia

How can people commit suicide when things like bagels exist

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(407): View more from Florida

I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?

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(417): View more from Missouri

i deep throated a ruler to see what my limit was...

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(727): View more from Florida

Did you really just text me at 6:35 in the morning asking where the condoms were? I moved out a year ago.

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(903): View more from Texas

this islike a room full of reasons why i should be in prison

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(810): View more from Michigan

I stopped understanding conversations unrelated to vodka two vodkas ago.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

you were convinced that if all her tampons were gone her period would stop, so you started eating them.

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(917): View more from New York City

I told her i was enlisting in the air force tomorrow.....it was like the activation code to her vagina

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(778): View more from British Columbia

You're perfectly engineered for doggy style

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Yes, do intervene. Unless it involves cowboys with loud trucks and hard 9 inch dicks. Then just come back for me in the morning.

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(516): View more from New York

so i told my doctor my symptons and she just shook her head at me

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(318): View more from Louisiana

I am getting drunk. And i'm going to paint my face and slide down the stairs like Pochahontas. Goodbye

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(330): View more from Ohio

French fry pizza

(502): View more from Kentucky

Are you brilliant or just really high?

(330): View more from Ohio

Can't it be both?

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(619): View more from California

We fucked in my basement while hiding from the cops.. And now his Facebook picture is him and others holding up there MIP's in front of my house.. I feel obligated to add him as a friend.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Change of plans. Theres a bouncy castle setup in my apartment complex.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just had a brazillian performed by a hungarian named olga. Im pretty sure she was trying to rip out my soul. You owe me a million orgasms

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(562): View more from California

Which is scary since we both think with our vaginas

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(708): View more from Illinois

so I guess it's not okay to mix vodka and ..everything and then proceed to offer a lap dance to ...everyone.

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(941): View more from Florida

its 4am and she invited me over to split a 'romantic bowl of frosted flakes'...really dude?...what do you think she's trying to say?...she better not be kidding about the frosted flakes though.

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(703): View more from Virginia

okay, prove you're not drunk to me. write 5 true sentences about me with correct grammar.

(1-703): View more from Virginia

I am sober. Because I don't drunk. It is bad. People die. I like Domenico because o he bag women what up?

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(847): View more from Illinois

you're single. I'm single. let's spend vday with the 3 most important men in our lives: ben, jerry, and josé

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(619): View more from California

She had a muffin-top while wearing a one piece bathing suit. Thats gotta break one of newton's laws or something

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(317): View more from Indiana

my feelings for you are synonymous with those of a grizzly bear and salmon. i don't want to nom on you; but i need you to survive

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(518): View more from New York

we should become lesbians. not together. just in general.

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(415): View more from California

There are two people having sex in one of the showers right now trying to silence their orgasm sounds and failing. Thank you coed bathrooms.

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(317): View more from Indiana

All i remember before i blacked out is you pointing to a random chick and telling me to bang her for America.

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(661): View more from California

the man who designed bathrooms to have toilets within easy puking distance from the shower is my hero

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(636): View more from Missouri

FYI, if you pee in my bed (or even let R___ and E___ sleep in it), I will fart loudly during your wedding vows. Trust.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

its so hard to text. the buttons are tickling my fingers

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(817): View more from Texas

So yeah you need to stop having near death experiences at McDonalds.

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(708): View more from Illinois

he is allergic to cats. we can only glue dog hair on him. otherwise he might die and i dont want to be responsible for that.

(1-708): View more from Illinois

ahaha ok

(708): View more from Illinois

let's call it "werewolfing"

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(912): View more from Georgia

Hovering on the line between her being fuckable and me being too drunk to fuck. Life's juggling act in progress here.

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(862): View more from New Jersey

found a naked boy completely buried under a pile of her clothes and terrified...she says she was "saving him for later"

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(720): View more from Colorado

Not even desperate vagina wants small cock.

(303): View more from Colorado

Glad to hear you raised your standards

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(319): View more from Iowa

i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself

(612): View more from Minnesota

It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...

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(630): View more from Illinois

I thought we agreed I wasn't a screamer?

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(212): View more from New York

There's an official council for his ex boyfriends. They told me they 'look forward to the day I join them'.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I can hear my liver begging me not to go out tonight

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

So I just passed a billboard for "Risque Cafe: Good food and topless women". Fuck. I love SC.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

don't forget friday is see who can get the most free drinks at the gay bar contest. winner gets $50

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(651): View more from Minnesota

well i just set every background of each phone in the verizon store to my face

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(618): View more from Illinois

We discussed our relationship status. We're dating exclusively. And the conversation was followed by him saying "C'mon baby, let's make you orgasm!" .....I'm gonna marry him.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Normal people don't sit around and watch Degrassi for twelve hours...

(1-614): View more from Ohio

FUCK YOU.

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(315): View more from New York

playing new game: drink everytime u see someone at the beach with a tramp stamp, double if u guess it before u see it, triple for male tramp stamps

(315): View more from New York

warning: blackouts possible when playing in ocean city or anywhere in new jersey

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

btw, but what hole was i in last night? wanna know if i have to worry

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(802): View more from Vermont

his penis is PERFECT

(802): View more from Vermont

I want to put it in a shoebox and place cottonbls around it to protect it from any harm

(802): View more from Vermont

or knit it little hat

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(207): View more from Maine

i wish i was a boy too so i knew what a blow job felt like

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(607): View more from New York

whats the weirdest thing you ever masturbated to?

(1-607): View more from New York

King Triton

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(216): View more from Ohio

he slapped my stomach and proclaimed it a baby-free zone

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(425): View more from Washington

her bridesmaids come in huge, huger, wtf, and free willy. all their gown are strapless. its like watching the Hindenburg waddle down the isle.

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(917): View more from New York City

I did a mental Irish jig when he pulled out the second condom.

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(734): View more from Michigan

those bitches were sniggering at my man-pris like they were goddesses of fashion!

(269): View more from Michigan

...dude i pray you are quoting something, someone, anyone...

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(850): View more from Florida

We couldn't get our shit together to go to the bar, so we're getting drunk and facebook stalking all the girls who have gotten fat since high school. Any names you wanna throw out?

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(256): View more from Alabama

he just tried to lick my eyebrow. thats the deal breaker.

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(909): View more from California

I'm not looking forward to the waking up early part. Or actually the wedding part. Or the reception part. But I am looking forward to the meaningless sex with some random guy I meet at the reception part.

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(810): View more from Michigan

He said he was just looking at my pictures and was thinking about how he wanted to cut my hair..then dye it black and put platnium blonde extensions throughout it and layer my hair

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

waiting in line for my ID. the kid in front of me reaks of hopes and dreams and hornyness-- freshmen by calvin klein

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(716): View more from New York

He managed to scream "cowabunga bitch" before he went down on me. Let me know if you still like him.

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(901): View more from Tennessee

hey quick question, what would you consider to be a "first date" porn?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

I think I might have accidentally had a threesome last night with two good friends. See, this is what happens when you leave me.

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(806): View more from Texas

Jesus knows you're telling a lie.

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Jesus stopped reading my text messages when I started drunk texting boys to hookup

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(678): View more from Georgia

Weird question, would you want to do fetish porn? you get paid.

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(660): View more from Missouri

I know its hard to believe that I'm already drunk at 12 p.m. but I am, so dont call me asking to go to the gym.

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(707): View more from California

I just wanted to yell " i am not a shake weight!!"

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(613): View more from Ontario

I'm really tired of cleaning up my twitter the morning after

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(830): View more from Texas

just convinced brandon semen are bugs that crawl in your pants and make gooey juice. now hes convinced he has them lmao

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(661): View more from California

I'm just gonna be the bigger person here and say I want you inside me

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(720): View more from Colorado

She swallowed my jizz and then took a shot of jack daniels and said "chaser." This cant be real life.

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(630): View more from Illinois

It's "your husband had his mouth on my vagina" awkward.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm more picky about my flip flops than the guys I sleep with

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(503): View more from Oregon

just passed out again, this time at a subway. On a positive not they gave me a free sandwich, pretty sure out pity but at this point i don't care

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

If you win this game of words with friends, ill suck you off for 30 minutes. No lie.

(1405): View more from

I cant last that long. Do i get the rollover minutes?

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(940): View more from Texas

Well, ive pounded a baby into a stripper and a girl who was on jerry springer, a 16 year old is logically next.

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(510): View more from California

EW EW EW EW THAT PENIS BELONGS TO SOMEONE'S FATHER! THAT PENIS BELONGS TO OUR FRIEND'S FATHER! THAT PENIS HELPED CREATE OUR FRIEND! YOU'RE NOT ALLOWED TO ADMIRE IT!

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(469): View more from Texas

Jesus was obviously not given an itemized list of your sins before he died for them

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(757): View more from Virginia

Drunk on Tuesday. Double fisting. Mmmbop is playing. Only girl in the group. Life is complete.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

just woke up to overhearing her on the phone saying "yeah we fucked last night, that makes 42." should i get tested?

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

well i fucked her too, so yes.

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(515): View more from Iowa

we need blinds so i can safely watch porn during the day

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(204): View more from Manitoba

The drunk teletubby stumbling out of the place tipped me off..

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(203): View more from Connecticut

walking in back of a girl wearing booty shorts, a halter and a bracelet that says trainwreck. I don't get it. The first day of nice weather and all the whores come out, are they like hibernating bears or something?

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(703): View more from Virginia

What makeup look will say to the therapist 'I am a smart, well-adjusted young woman'?

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(817): View more from Texas

you can add "aspirated seaman" to the list of things your sister has been admitted to the hospital for

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please quote me on this- the only thing worse than being ugly is being ugly and thinking that you're pretty

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(678): View more from Georgia

Please, let me fuck your mom

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(818): View more from California

so... thinking about masturbating finally

(661): View more from California

taking the losers way out I see

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(303): View more from Colorado

This bar is like a mediocre whore house....but free

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(201): View more from New Jersey

On the bright side I got 500 American Express points paying for the abortion

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(760): View more from California

my iphone just auto-corrected drink to drnknghhhg...

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Excused from finishing the term project because my lab partner got arrested. For the second year in a row. Public school, I love you.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

if i get killed by an online date, its your job to tell my parents that we met at church

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(281): View more from Texas

I like complaining with weaving words and complex sentences. It makes me seem more sophisticated and less bitchy.

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(818): View more from California

i am NOT doing that with my feet, or any part of my body

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(310): View more from California

the first call I got in the morning was from visa fraud prevention so yeah it was one of those nights

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(571): View more from Virginia

I hate when laundry day is determined by the number of cum stains on my bed

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(720): View more from Colorado

i'm sure the inside of her vag looks like Normandy circa 1944

(720): View more from Colorado

and yes i had to double check that date for that joke to be accurate

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(719): View more from Colorado

I just criticized a porno's use of editing. Film school is ruining me.

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(907): View more from Alaska

so howd the 'mom i only play with condoms' conversation go?

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(440): View more from Ohio

Condom broke. Took her to CVS for plan B and parked in expectant mothers spot. I laughed.. she cried

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(719): View more from Colorado

Just saw a guy from Kansas and a guy from Nebraska arguing over who had less of an accent. God Bless the Midwest.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

I thought he was joking about the hundred beer challenge until two guys showed up with a camera and boom mic. This cabin party is going to be fucked

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like you just avenged me for every guy who came in my hair

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(315): View more from New York

Her best guy friend really had a thing for her all along.... Now we're back together and he's gone Dawson's Creek with his away messages.

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(815): View more from Illinois

there was naked duck duck goose

(703): View more from Virginia

how does that even get suggested?!

(815): View more from Illinois

after naked leap frog.... it wasn't that big of a deal

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(260): View more from Indiana

Vodka is such a love hate relationship.

(661): View more from California

Truer words have never been spoken.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

college "breaks" should be renamed "reminder why you left your hell hole of a life in the first place"

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(904): View more from Florida

It's like my ice maker knows when I wanna get drunk

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

distance makes the heart seek blowjobs from girls that are closer i heard.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I'm so drunk I cant read cursive anymore.

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

She just sent me videos of her blowing my little bro and my best friend... worst. ex. ever.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

He has that cheese in a can and he's eating it. I have never seen that outside a goofy movie.

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(303): View more from Colorado

marching band practice is quite the interesting soundtrack to sex

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(540): View more from Virginia

I just got a ticket for shitting on a sand dune.

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(303): View more from Colorado

"lets watch the sunrise" turned into "lets have sex on the roof at six thirty in the morning"

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'd rather say I'm a whore then admit it's his child. Its that bad.

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(706): View more from Georgia

You cheat on me once, shame on me. You cheat on me with a white girl, it's fucking over

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(513): View more from Ohio

why did they invent bidet's? your butt gets clean when your poop falls in the toilet and splashes up anyway...

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(708): View more from Illinois

Ben affleck wants to be a US senator. Just thought you would puke with me

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(315): View more from New York

We had sex on a ferris wheel in canada, our relationship will never be the same

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(646): View more from New York

A little boy walked by his parents room one night, looked through the keyhole, and said "and that bitch tells me to stop sucking my thumb!"

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(519): View more from Ontario

Apparently I grabbed her ponytail and cut it with an exacto knife.

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(630): View more from Illinois

btw when he was trying to sleep i was apparently poking him in the face w my 'flipper' slurring random manatee facts

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(303): View more from Colorado

Last night the nurse at the ER told me that she wished all her drunk patients were like me. Then she commented on my socks...

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(901): View more from Tennessee

He gave me a 420 gift that consisted of a dime bag, a philly cheesestake, and a Pepsi that was still cold. If he ever wants a free bj, I got him.

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(563): View more from Iowa

For some reason I have a hard time believing getting drunk and recreating a movie about singing transvestites is ever very far from a situation you're in.

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(585): View more from New York

when the police officer said he was gonna take a picture of the car accident, you asked if you should pose on the hood

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(540): View more from Virginia

that place is a roofie-colada waiting to happen

(703): View more from Virginia

i'm ok with that.. with the right DD it's just a cheaper drunk.. it's the economy, stupid

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(802): View more from Vermont

It feels like I've shaved away my winter coat and my vagina is going to freeze if I go outside.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm glad we have the kind of friendship where if either of us is too drunk to fuck a hot guy, we pass the responsibility to each other and get the job done.

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

I just re read that. We really need to get our lives together.

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(469): View more from Texas

Seeing a catheter being inserted into a penis severely diminished my sex life

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

she said i was amazing, then i left to room to take the rubber off and came back to find her masturbating with my xbox controller while niko got a call from roman.

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(416): View more from Toronto

Pretty sure I just became the first person ever to use the word "boner" in a wedding card...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Hey sis... Don't forget moms day is this sun. And don't get her another gift while you are freakin high this time. The vibrator was embarrassing.

(904): View more from Florida

FYI the vibrator was a SUCCESS. She was in a much better mood this last year. Maybe you should get high this time and get a great gift

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(320): View more from Minnesota

Good. You are like the clit whisperer.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

Then you can skip the embarrassing can I date your ex since you're a lesbian now conversation

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(407): View more from Florida

cutting back on calories before spring break by only taking shots instead of drinking actual drinks.

(1-407): View more from Florida

the diet of an alcoholic...

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(214): View more from Texas

Some 6 yr old girl just got on my plane in St. Louis. She was wearing an I Love Canada shirt. She eyed the seat next to me and I stared her straight in the eyes and shook my head. Fuck her. Fuck canada.

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(352): View more from Florida

She's just bitter because she lost all the weight only to discover she doesn't have a pretty face after all.

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

That's it, I refuse to live in a world where sparkly vampires beat Batman at anything.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Okay just took the preggers test..and im NOT! :)

(540): View more from Virginia

awesome babe! drinks tonight!

(703): View more from Virginia

Wait does the happy face mean yes? fuck.

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(309): View more from Illinois

I put the beer in my little red riding hood basket.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Heybabeimwearingurpanties

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(919): View more from North Carolina

sometimes i wish i had boobs. not on me. just like in a drawer.

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(302): View more from Delaware

Did you know that when you swallow it's like 60 calories!?

(1-302): View more from Delaware

That's okay, it's all protein anyway.

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(352): View more from Florida

... there are chew marks on my license. I have no idea.

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(937): View more from Ohio

Reading in my econ of energy textbook about the US' largest oil spill from the 1990's.. guess i can't sell this one back either

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(303): View more from Colorado

At what point in time did you decide the pot head with Taco Bell was more important than all your friends.

(1-303): View more from Colorado

At about the same time you guys weren't burritos.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

i gave him head before the novacaine wore off...i think his penis touched my lung

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(630): View more from Illinois

i was just outside smoking and i saw a hooker sing "i wish i knew who your daddy was" to her new born baby. someone explain to me why i ever left chicago to go to college...

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(315): View more from New York

Grilled cheese and whiskey for lunch is why i should NEVER be a housewife.

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(+44): View more from United Kingdom

In fairness it was pretty good sex, but I still wasn't expecting the mass cheering and applause he got on leaving my tent

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

When boys buy condoms it makes me feel proud of their mothers for doing a good job

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Look on the bright side. Now you know the number for poison control.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Dear room mates I tried to shotgun pam in the kitchen. It is slippery. Please be careful. That is all. Love you.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

She forced me to throw up so it would "rejuvenate" me. It worked and then we took six more shots and did a keg stand. You know what I call that? Friendship.

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(404): View more from Georgia

you made your cat watch a peta video with you, so you could show it how just how good its life is

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(703): View more from Virginia

so chris just stuck his hand between rachel's legs and yelled 'TROUT!' and we were like...you're wasted

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(270): View more from Kentucky

He sent me a pic and IT CURVED OUT OF THE PICTURE! Curved. Out. Of. The. Picture.

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(561): View more from Florida

Fuck. These are the symptoms I had when I was pregnant. This could be bad.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Just took career test that listed librarian and bartender as top career choices. Fascinating.

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(850): View more from Florida

Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Why don't I have your new number? And who have I been texting?

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm babysitting and we're watching Barney and I don't understand why Barney can magically make band hats appear but he makes them make shitty ass instruments.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Barney's a jerk

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(773): View more from Illinois

His rich uncle has six months to live. I feel pregnant.

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(330): View more from Ohio

She sucked my dick when I had a concussion. It was the coolest feeling ever but the doctor said it was a bad idea. He's obviously gay.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

My dealer, who also happens to be a male stripper, just invited me to watch him perform tonight. Boundaries buddy, boundaries.

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(913): View more from Kansas

Remember, sex is not sex til both people cross the finish line. Until then, it is just a favor.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i no longer feel bad for not doin my schoolwork. im watching a porn in french. this MUST qualify as studying.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Im at the zoo right now high out of my mind and feel as if the animals are watching me and Im the one in a cage.

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(909): View more from California

i have a strong feeling i fucked one of the waiters here...

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(630): View more from Illinois

i wanna have a kid now so by the time he's 20 ill only be 42 and assuming im already divorced we can pick up girls together

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(940): View more from Texas

You know you're true friends when you can talk about what sexual diseases you may or may not have.

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(509): View more from Washington

Dude, you just left me a 3 minute voicemail of pop rocks in your mouth. Im sitting right next you

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(309): View more from Illinois

Reason 37 booty call break ups suck: I literally could not find his house in the daytime.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Just had lapdance from stripper that had her 5th kid 28 hours earlier. A for work ethic.

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(573): View more from Missouri

You are not about to raise that baby deer, you can BARELY raise yourself... Return it to it's mom now.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I don't know what it is about vodka that make me ruin relationships.

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(248): View more from Michigan

All three women i have fucked in the past week are here in the same bar. Gameface, go.

(269): View more from Michigan

Gonna go for any of them?

(248): View more from Michigan

Thursday night girl, but friday is watching and tuesday is serving us.

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(845): View more from New York

Also I climbed atop a mailbox with a toilet paper hat and a wolverine claw made of glowsticks, screaming at passers-by that they were going to die. Control me

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(773): View more from Illinois

They better compete for your attention. Dual to the fuck

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Standing on the street at 6am in Hong Kong drinking beer. Watching all the hookers do the walk of shame from our hotel. How did I get here? Maybe all my bad choices in my life were really good ones?

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(863): View more from Florida

I tried to explain to the cop how we all have skeletons in our closets but he just wouldn't listen.

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(850): View more from Florida

HE HAS A CHODE. LIFE IS NOT GOING TO BE EASY FOR HIM.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i just thought that perhaps i was done with the "boning on someone else's futon" stage of my life. guess not.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

He soundtracked our prebreakup sex, our breakup, and out postbreakup sex. At least he's dedicated.

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(859): View more from Kentucky

This would be a good time for the don't get drunk and bang a married chick pep talk...

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(646): View more from New York

Do ex girlfriends even count for summer sexcapades. Seems like the damage had already been done

(760): View more from California

Victory lap

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(+61): View more from Australia

I have a huge gash on my chin. Did I get it from A) a mini siezure; B) an oral sex incident; C) Slamming it into a ledge or; D) all of the above?

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(815): View more from Illinois

My mom is holding a picture of me, crying, and saying "where did I go wrong" over and over again.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

he is like the poster child for std's. god i hope he meets a girl with teeth in her vag. that would serve him right

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(407): View more from Florida

I just had someone I don't even know on Facebook message me saying it seems like I drink too much and should slow down.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

They're pole dancing on a handicap sign post.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

your ability to fuck hot guys even when you go out in sweats amazes me

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

apparently the officer said last night, "son, why don't you do yourself a favor and spread your legs so you don't keep vomiting on them". why can't I remember those nights?!

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(614): View more from Ohio

This whole living in Ohio thing is getting reaaaaallly old.

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(555): View more from

Going to get tested monday. You're coming with. Bonding time, slut style.

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(206): View more from Washington

I will die if light touches me.

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(631): View more from New York

Just wrote a paper about alcohol abuse that sounded like my weekend...

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(813): View more from Florida

Ive never seen someone more dtf than a soaking wet drunk girl who stumbles into your backyard.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

and those juicy C cups turned out to be oddly-shaped A's when her padded bra came off.

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(407): View more from Florida

She told me I reminded her of the fair. And she wanted to deep fry my dick and eat it.

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(847): View more from Illinois

She's not depressed. She's just sober. It's like the same thing.

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(816): View more from Missouri

He blow dried my hair while I sucked his dick. Now THAT'S fucking teamwork.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Gfs sis is in town. Its awkwardly obv that we want to fuck each other.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.

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(770): View more from Georgia

If I were a woman I'd fill my water bra with liquor so that I could sip on it throughout the day.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Apparently the last thing they remember of me was me stumbing into a bathroom, then falling out 5 minutes later clutching a butter knife repeating "ketamine goes in my face hole"

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(404): View more from Georgia

Ben's a prick.

(1-404): View more from Georgia

What Ben are you talking about?

(404): View more from Georgia

All the bens across all the lands

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(619): View more from California

You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I don't care if he's straight, his cock will be in my mouth by midnight. Like a closeted Cinderella.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

okay I'm thinking he doens't have a facebook...I'm on page 28 of Hunters

(501): View more from Arkansas

ok you need to stop NOW

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would do horrible things to your vagina.

(978): View more from Massachusetts

Prove it.

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(330): View more from Ohio

i just saw the eighteen different ways i could die and only after that did i realize i'd made a poor decision

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(203): View more from Connecticut

she just convinced the cop to buy us ice-cream sandwiches. best/worst stoned experience ever.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

all i could think was her face looked like a farm accident

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(816): View more from Missouri

I don't get why Lindsay Lohan doesn't just blame her bad behavior on her twin sister from the Parent Trap. I mean nobodys seen her since.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I know it was you because you're the only person I know who gets drunk and craves soup.

(1-970): View more from Colorado

Soup is delicious

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(443): View more from Maryland

please stop yelling "ITS NARNIAAAAAAAAA" out of our window at the lone person walking home in the snow

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

the realtor just took us to a house I had a one night stand in. I feel like it's a sign.

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(618): View more from Illinois

She calls me Shortcake and bites my ear. Trust me, I'm FINE with bein the secret lesbian lover.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

you sent me 45 texts saying "meow?"

(1-732): View more from New Jersey

did i?

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(352): View more from Florida

my drunk uncle just explained that turkeys are not gentle lovers... and no context doesn't make it better.

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(323): View more from California

Do you think an esthetician would be willing to wax the Chanel Cs into my crotch? That way, whenever a guy gets ready to pound on it I can go "Careful, it's Chanel."

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(415): View more from California

fyi, i just bought my first strap-on. the little mermaid theme song was playing in the background.

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(301): View more from Maryland

she claims you yelled BOMBS AWAY when you came. tell me she's lying

(203): View more from Connecticut

but she didn't tell you i squeezed, built up pressure, and napalmed her face as i yelled it, did she

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(404): View more from Georgia

Apparently "he pulled out..mostly" is not a valid reason for thinking there's no way i can be pregnant to the nurses at the student health center.

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(917): View more from New York City

Listen, this was just a tiny lapse of judgement.

(347): View more from New York

I'm pretty sure that's not a synonym for pregnancy.

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(707): View more from California

the guy that filmed erin andrews naked got 27 months in jail. Every man that's seen it should send him cigs and a nail file baked in a cake. We owe it to him.

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(207): View more from Maine

Please forgive me. I will pay for your emergency room visit.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All I did this weekend was get my life in order. I feel like I wasted my time.

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(713): View more from Texas

she gave me a handjob in the middle of the night and my stomach growled so she walked out totally naked and came back 5 minutes later with two sandwiches. who the fuck says getting married is awful?

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(805): View more from California

Going to get yelled at but I labeled the reel "four dried up sluts decide going to the middle east to shop during a war is the best idea ever"

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(301): View more from Maryland

This last weekend single handedly took me off the liver transplant list

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(352): View more from Florida

redhead is getting on the bull...again red head is getting on the bull!

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I'm talking handstands, sex in broad daylight, waking me up in the middle of the night. CRAZY

(614): View more from Ohio

handstands? WTF?

(405): View more from Oklahoma

she was a gymnast

(614): View more from Ohio

go to hell.

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(425): View more from Washington

I proposed and she said yes man.

(1-425): View more from Washington

You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?

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(904): View more from Florida

I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.

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(812): View more from Indiana

McDonalds has hash browns for only a quarter!....how many u want?

(1-812): View more from Indiana

All of them

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(908): View more from New Jersey

While I was banging her, her cell rang. She checked to see who it was, answered it, and moaned, "I'm dumping you."

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(541): View more from Oregon

I'm listening to bach and watching porn,is that a sign of depression?

(815): View more from Illinois

Quite the contrary. Sophistication.

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(330): View more from Ohio

just found my diary from when i was 14. i demand a drinking game of this.

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

Just witnessed a walk of shame by a guy in a half gorilla suit. It's going to be a good day.

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(785): View more from Kansas

You're cordially invited to the love nest for alcoholic and aquatic adventures. Also known as an all expense paid trip to my pool, alcohol, and vagina.

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(415): View more from California

Either call me back or tell me you're in jail. For fucks sake. If this is a cop, just help out. national league.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Take my keys. Load me into the vehicle. Drive. Get food. Come back. These are my demands.

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(509): View more from Washington

Exactly, finding that perfect flask to come with you on all your adventures is like finding the perfect wedding dress. You have to feel it.

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(830): View more from Texas

I think I'm going to postpone my photo shoot until my Gpa dies. I don't want to be in lingerie and stripper heels when I finally get the call

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(313): View more from Michigan

My life has only gotten better since they built a playground behind the bar

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(740): View more from Ohio

Text me if you also stopped reading harry potter in the 4th grade and wanna go to the bars tonight instead of the midnight premiere

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(714): View more from California

You know you're fucked up when you throw your phone on the roof of the bar to show how good the Otter Box works.

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(530): View more from California

I think the duck is in my room. You have no idea how much worse a duck makes a hangover

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(802): View more from Vermont

What type of outfit says "I know you slept with my boyfriend before and are also way skinnier than me, but I look better...somehow"

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(770): View more from Georgia

Tell her she's as useless as a condom.

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(406): View more from Montana

As one final fuck you to the courthouse i'm paying the rest of this ticket with sacajawea coins.

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(707): View more from California

You filled up my voicemail with a slurred but graphic depiction of how you were humping a fire hydrant.

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(248): View more from Michigan

today i learned why jack sparrow loved rum so fucking much

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(903): View more from Texas

Today in psych we learned that you are a whore.

(1-314): View more from Missouri

Me specifically?

(903): View more from Texas

Yep.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just watched a woman in a full wedding dress and veil walk out of the chinese buffet...I no longer believe I have a problem, and am afraid I am underdressed.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Dude, you need to come clean your dates vomit off the ceiling. What in the hell were you guys doing?!

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(515): View more from Iowa

there should be a rule against ugly people hooking up.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

yeah...but then what would the ugly people do? hook up with pretty people? yeahhh..don't see that happening in the near future. plus i'm not okay with that.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

I'm home now. bring me food and boobies

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(817): View more from Texas

You can buy vodka at target here.. Maybe Missouri isn't so bad after all

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(315): View more from New York

JUST SAW MY DRUG DEALER SOBER AND GOING TO CLASS. This is weird, its almost like he's an actual student whio leaves his room...

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(870): View more from Arkansas

At Wal-Mart last night I watched two guys scramble for $4.34 to pay for a pack of ping pong balls and red solo cups. They had to put the .34 on a credit card. Winter break begins!

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Dude just slipped a $20 into the jukebox at that restaurant we were escorted out of last Mardi GRAS. Hope they enjoy Justin Bieber's Baby cause they're gonna hear it 40 fucking times.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

What the fuck. The girl next to me just looked at her phone, put her stuff away, and popped a birth control and ran out of class. Lucky fucking guy.

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(607): View more from New York

can we get nightvision for the apartment?

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(858): View more from California

the line runs infront of fredricks of hollywood. it's like gamestop is showing me how pathetic I am.

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(562): View more from California

tonight is proof that a xbox 360 will always be more reliable than a girl ever will

(714): View more from California

and a girl gets the red ring of death every month

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(515): View more from Iowa

You ad-libbed two DETAILED rounds of price is right, 1 wheel of fortune, and 1 deal or no deal.... by yourself with sound effects and music included

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(516): View more from New York

I'm at this poker game and this kid to my left is bragging about all the chicks he hits including a "playboy model" when all of a sudden this 22 guy looks him in the eye and says "ever fuck a 70 woman. The things they can and are willing to do" Next think the whole table is quiet for an hour. That guys my hero...

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(248): View more from Michigan

You're never going to guess who I just worked out next to..

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Who?

(248): View more from Michigan

Chris brown

(1-248): View more from Michigan

No way... I bet he was intense

(248): View more from Michigan

Are you kidding? He was prob training for round two

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(760): View more from California

The fact that both my ribs are severely bruised from shoving flasks in my bra might be a validation of my mothers alcoholic accusation

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(850): View more from Florida

Someone just asked me if ur the girl that fell through the floor. I HAD to say yes.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

It's like alcoholism for beginners at my kitchen table.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

I making dinner, so you might want to actually come home tonight.

(704): View more from North Carolina

oh, you finally did the dishes then?

(980): View more from North Carolina

No, bought new ones.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Did you go home with that guy without me?

(479): View more from Arkansas

Sorry boo - it's pouring and I found a boy with a car

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(323): View more from California

When I like her vacation photos, it really means "Im sleeping with your boyfriend." wonder if she will make the connection.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I think we need to find a happy medium between fried food and dicks. This could end badly.

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(310): View more from California

She has no definite jawline and all of her photo's have Ke$ha quotes as captions followed by a "<3" Even by your standards that is embarrassing.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Crying babies in a bar. Really?

(708): View more from Illinois

And she just changed the baby's diaper on the table. It's killing the beer garden.

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(813): View more from Florida

Lightning struck the tree right outside of her window as I came inside her. I think its God's way of saying go by plan b.

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(315): View more from New York

My vagina has become a graveyard for my brother's friendships...

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(219): View more from Indiana

rather than putting your name in guys phones, you just texted 90999 to donate $10 to Haiti and then gave it back to them

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(301): View more from Maryland

I wish real life had facebook tags so i could figure out who all these people are

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(919): View more from North Carolina

So my grandma sent me a valentines day present of waterproof mascara, tissues, and chocolate. Way to reinforce that I'll be single and depressed on valentines day. Thanks grandma.

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(845): View more from New York

Just did a shot to pluto being a planet again. I love science.

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(607): View more from New York

so he shaved. down there. and before he took his pants off i thought it was hot but then all i could think about were the naked mole rats from 7 grade science class.

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(517): View more from Michigan

I sent him a picture of my touching myself. He responded back "Your nails look really nice"

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(646): View more from New York

I love my roommate; her alcohol problem, her proclivity for passing out on the living room couch, and her fucking awesome size d tits that can never remain clothed. Craigslist jackpot.

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(636): View more from Missouri

So Jesus turned water into wine. So what? I once turned a whole student loan into natty light. Your move holy man.

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(631): View more from New York

If Ritalin and Plan B had an illegitimate child it would smell like me.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Things you are not allowed to do while im gone: sell cats on ebay, put cats in freezer again, shave cats like lions, dye cats pink/blue, try to light cats on fire to"wake them up from their nap" agian

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

He's the equivalent of a body pillow and a dildo. But still funny. We have good pillow talk.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my mind is a poorly written porno when i'm drunk.

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(214): View more from Texas

LETS GET FUCKED UP IN ONESIES TONIGHT.

(972): View more from Texas

I worry about you sometimes...

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(330): View more from Ohio

Hold on, I'm google imaging "vagina close ups" to see if mine match up

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(307): View more from Wyoming

yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP

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(518): View more from New York

They put me in charge of something. Why the fuck would you look at me and put me in charge of something while i'm double fisting peach mimosas at a baby shower

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(602): View more from Arizona

And then he used the flashlight app to illuminate me giving him head. Thanks IPhone

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I don't think there's a better bc pill reminder then when teen mom comes on

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning

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(914): View more from New York

Just did a line with lance bass. Only in NY

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(540): View more from Virginia

Maybe if i steal enough bar glasses i can justify all the money spent i've spent there

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(303): View more from Colorado

She used the introduce me to her roommates so she could find out my name trick the next morning..I may be in love.

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(614): View more from Ohio

It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

If its vodka, everyone is attractive. Tequila, everyone is dead sexy, single and fuckable.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

he confused my yawn for an orgasm

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(248): View more from Michigan

the highlight of my day was when my dad called me when I was watching porn and I muted it instead of pausing it.

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(205): View more from Alabama

You did a jig for the bouncer when you saw him. Just reminding you.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't know if it's her mysterious past or atrocious grammar, but I think I'm in love.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I'm convinced her vagina is similar to chernobyl, but I want to visit it for the novelty value anyway.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Also pencil in smooth jazz and illegal activities. The usual.

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(850): View more from Florida

All of my current injuries can be related back to sex.

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(863): View more from Florida

UPDATE: In a passionate fit of self love, I brought myself to orgasm under the moon on my 7th floor balcony, ejaculating between the rungs towards the ground.

(863): View more from Florida

Unfortunately, I did not realize that most of it would end up on the balcony below mine.

(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

At least you don't cum in color.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

Every single piece. I examined every single square inch of this peanut butter and jelly sandwich. and fell in love with every inch. that high.

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(415): View more from California

Yeudjkisdjxbfceryuj. i love having a qwerty keyboard just so i can do that.

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(813): View more from Florida

Do NOT cum in me, on me, or in my bed.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Just got a lapdance on the metro. She said she was on maternity leave and needed the practice.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Is King's over? Or do I still have to say 'On Matt's cock' at the end of every sentence on matt's cock?

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(480): View more from Arizona

so i'm sitting in his room drinking tequila from the bottle and watching harry potter. he's jacking off to some porn a couple feet away from me. at one point i look over and see that he's watching me instead of the porn. please help me figure out how warped it is that i found that romantic

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(650): View more from California

I swear to god Optimus Prime and Megatron are fighting in my head right now.

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(661): View more from California

I never thought I'd say this but my vagina is taking a serious break for awhile

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(425): View more from Washington

This is not a drunk text right now. This is an i want your dick text. There is a difference.

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(251): View more from Alabama

Why do you have Season One of Reba in your underwear drawer?

(1-251): View more from Alabama

Why are you in my underwear drawer?

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(407): View more from Florida

Mystery lines found in a Pyrex dish in the back of my pantry at 415 am. No recall as to it's origin. Unidentifiable taste. Obviously I'm doing them

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(972): View more from Texas

the thought 'we cant do it, we're in a public place' crossed my mind, and then I realized he's succeeding if he's trying to domesticate me.

(214): View more from Texas

elevator sex. pronto.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I swear the pregnant cashier was jealous when I bought my plan B

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(516): View more from New York

Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when i get back.

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(314): View more from Missouri

The sales associate looked at me funny for wobbling in the heels i was trying on until i told her i was trying to see how well i'd be able to drunk walk in these tonight

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Dude, just got a bummer.

(1-502): View more from Kentucky

What??

(502): View more from Kentucky

A blow job from a homeless chick.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

so looking at the guys i've dated i feel my vag is a halfway house

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I am paying my roommate as much of the electric bill in pennies as possible because I hate her.

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(607): View more from New York

I think I love you, but I may be biased because we had pirate sex.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Oh, I'm just lighting tennis balls and WD-40 on fire, what are YOUUU doing?!

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(303): View more from Colorado

Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.

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(216): View more from Ohio

bella threw up all over the kitchen floor then looked at me, laughed, and walked away

(440): View more from Ohio

isn't bella the cat???

(216): View more from Ohio

that she is

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Chicken burrito, or no deal.

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

Is that code for my vagina?

(402): View more from Nebraska

Who the fuck has ever referred to a vagina as a chicken burrito

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(509): View more from Washington

the way i see it, im about one adderall binge away from graduating

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(970): View more from Colorado

Seriously.......what do you have to do to get arrested in Vegas???

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(516): View more from New York

Convinced the bartender that I'm a congressman. Free Drinks. God bless America.

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

bruce springsteen sings some of the most romantic songs i've ever heard.

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the hells wrong with u

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(630): View more from Illinois

i mean i cnt help that this campus has the highest STI rate

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(619): View more from California

Some guy just bought a handle of cuervo, a curling iron, and a power drill. Paid with a jar of change. I'm torn between avoiding him and befriending him..

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(703): View more from Virginia

Its official. I've reentered slutty territory. I was a condom away from having sex in a childs playhouse at a park. Oh and I lost my car keys.

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(340): View more from US Virgin Islands

I may be Daddy's little princess, but doesn't mean I can't be the blowjob queen.

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(763): View more from Minnesota

The only requirement is that his name is Kevin... All other factors don't matter to drunk me. Drunk me likey Kevins.

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(406): View more from Montana

There are at least 3.6 billion human cocks in this world. Get some. Get as many as humanly possible. Literally. Do it. 1-2-3 go!

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(817): View more from Texas

Your brother came in a girls mouth for the first time last night... Ah the tales told whilst buying minors beer.

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(989): View more from Michigan

If you didn't damage your room so much from fucking so hard we would have got more of our security deposit back

(906): View more from Michigan

I resent that

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

He's like a perfect storm of amazing hair and horrible judgment.

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(343): View more from Ontario

His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted

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(503): View more from Oregon

after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Best look from Detroit today: running across the street with your buttcheeks on display carrying a 40 oz. Or maybe being crazy-pregnant and screaming and slamming a pay phone. Toss up.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All the girls at the party had American flag thongs on... Pretty impressed with coordination seeing as how impromptu this event was

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(678): View more from Georgia

So my prents justed posted "DO NOT DISTURB" on facebook and i just heard their door shut and lock...I'm leaving

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(847): View more from Illinois

So I'm at the Chevron by your house. I need a condom and a couch.

(541): View more from Oregon

Together?

(847): View more from Illinois

Preferably.

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(512): View more from Texas

HELP! I am trapped in a douchebag ad... full of Affliction and Ed Hardy. Seriously? is he gonna leave his sunglasses on the entire 10 seconds of this encounter?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She sent me a text saying she picked out 17 different Halloween costumes for our kids when they hit the age of 4... The cling factor should have me running right now but honestly I'm just curious

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(703): View more from Virginia

i found the vodka. it was hiding in the orange juice.

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(917): View more from New York City

Haven't eaten in 11 hrs. I am gonna have so much material to talk about with anorexic girls now

(917): View more from New York City

Seriously, I'm delusional. Idk how these models even walk on the runway

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(580): View more from Oklahoma

She asked if my windows were tinted enough for road head.

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(214): View more from Texas

we fucked to don't stop believing. most epic sex EVER.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I just bought the big bottle of Patron. It looks small. What have I done with my life?

(503): View more from Oregon

Succeeded.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Hey, It's Lauren. i wanted to talk to you tonight. I like you, as you know because kyle told you. I was wondering if you liked me too?

(206): View more from Washington

Are you in the third fucking grade? Check yes or no.

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(914): View more from New York

It's not every day you get to see a girl fuck herself with a pickle.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

I don't care if he is my ex... I have the deed to his dick until someone else fucks him. We broke up 2 years ago.... I am still holding that deed!

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

every time i drive by the road she lives on, i scream in the car "i'm sorry i'm sleeping with your boyfriend!" makes me feel less whore-y.

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(404): View more from Georgia

Even my psychiatrist thinks I should fuck the married guy.

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(310): View more from California

you shoved the noah's ark of animal crakers in your mouth saturday.

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(805): View more from California

do you think they make care bear costumes for cats?

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(217): View more from Illinois

Woke up to the first three complete chapters of my new novel titled "If My Dick Could Talk" waiting for me on my laptop

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(207): View more from Maine

It's pretty bad that I know he's opening his door from the way it squeaks because I have snuck out of his room so many times this semester...

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(956): View more from Texas

If you're on a tempurpedic mattress do you think you can feel if someone is jacking off right next to you?

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(864): View more from South Carolina

you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk

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(703): View more from Virginia

When it gets to the point that I'm more comfortable being naked at his house than my own, it's time to readdress the fuckbuddyship.

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(916): View more from California

She took a picture of me when she thought I was sleeping. I don't know whether to be amused or scared.

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(269): View more from Michigan

I knew his night was already over when he started marking lines on the bottle and setting goals

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(443): View more from Maryland

One of my students just told me turtles are lazy and need to get a job. Fuck yes, my job here is done.

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(310): View more from California

The look your mother gives you when she sees you masterbating on web cam is unlike any I've seen before, but this is a case where, I would say, ignorance is bliss.

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Do I need to let your sister outside to go pee or anything before I leave?

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(773): View more from Illinois

So I just almost came on my own face I had to dodge it as it was flying by...that was a first

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(586): View more from Michigan

A big part of growing up is learning how to tastefully stare at women

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(702): View more from Nevada

It's a line of coke at 10 a.m. kind of Saturday. Don't be a pussy about life.

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(301): View more from Maryland

the owner gave me a free bottle of vodka and a 12pack of red bull if i agreed to leave. my drunken antics are finally paying off.

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(904): View more from Florida

And if not, hey- I've never had a restraining order before, so that will be cool

(386): View more from Florida

It could be our claim to fame

(904): View more from Florida

Done. I'll pack a cooler.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If i off myself, it'll be in a lobster costume in the hot tub with butter...

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(586): View more from Michigan

Needless to say when I told my parents they loved me less

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(440): View more from Ohio

yea ive hooked up with like half those guys

(1-440): View more from Ohio

and i've hooked up with the other half...when our powers combine, we are captain slutbag

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(805): View more from California

He confessed to putting dry erase marker dots on my vibrator to keep track of when I "electronically cheated" and then passed out.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

What happened at the top of the stairs is never to be spoken of again.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I always have to poop after I paint my nails. It never fails.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

the cops didnt even say happy birthday to me :(

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(941): View more from Florida

i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.

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(586): View more from Michigan

so apparently the car got towed with me passed out in the back seat.

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(404): View more from Georgia

don't leave me alone with all the disney princess sluts

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(903): View more from Texas

I was eating out this girl yesterday and when I finished, she asked me if I wanted to take any home with me. She was serious, dude!

(1-903): View more from Texas

What does that even mean?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Guys who wear capris make me want to kill endangered species.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I would pay so much money for a video of you fucking a sheep

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(225): View more from Louisiana

it is entirely possible that the police will be knocking on the door in 25 minutes

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(801): View more from Utah

He literally just walked in some random persons house and walked right to they're pantry. Then five minutes later he walks out with pop-tarts, mac and cheese, and captain morgan. We need to chill with this kid more often.

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(317): View more from Indiana

im sitting in my room wearing my power rangers shirt watching a movie about a magical dragon. Ive totally forgotten what having a sex life is like.

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(516): View more from New York

the police officer looked at my vomit and told me "milk was a bad choice"

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(256): View more from Alabama

I was to drunk to walk in jimmy john's so I called and got a pickle delivered to me outside the bar , too much?

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(816): View more from Missouri

and the award for most disgusting thing ever done on my couch now officially goes to you! Congratulations, you won the couch...I can't even look at it anymore.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

Just realized I have to keep sleeping with him... those scars from drunk sex on the 4th of July are still on my back and lord knows I'm not about to explain that to another guy.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just walked downstairs to find my brother wearing a crossingguards vest and boxers. when i asked him where he got it he just looked at me, smiled, and kept feeding the dog yogurt

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(518): View more from New York

it wouldnt have been so bad but she still had the cowboy hat on when my mom walked in

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(908): View more from New Jersey

Hawaiian shirts and no dignity

(1-908): View more from New Jersey

We are always on the same wavelength...kinda eerie.

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(719): View more from Colorado

so this carnie looked at me and said "the ride in my pants is funner." i wet myself.

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(727): View more from Florida

I need to get skinnier so that I know when pregnancy scares are real...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

looking back it was a good thing we were too wasted to fire up the chainsaw

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(210): View more from Texas

i think i would be perfectly content if, on my deathbed, i could look back on a life that didn't have any fisting in it

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(613): View more from Ontario

Drunk me thinks I can light up a cig anywhere, sober me finds this hilarious and highly irresponsible. The grocery store is not a bar.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I thought I walked in on an orgy of smurfs. Man I love shrooms

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(214): View more from Texas

Aww you are cute. With your penis. And failures.

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(716): View more from New York

I bought you a small gift as a preemptive apology for being a drunken slut tonight.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Just come back with most of your limbs...and your dick. Please and thank you

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(940): View more from Texas

I think youre just another guy trying to take advantage of a young naive innocent girl

(1-940): View more from Texas

you're not innocent... Once you have taken it in the turd cutter you can't label yourself innocent.

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(757): View more from Virginia

high people should be assigned attendants

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(816): View more from Missouri

About to do something stupid. You'll be my call. Bring bail money.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Houston, we have a squirter

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(813): View more from Florida

Forever 21 now has a maternity line. Even more of an incentive for me to get pregnant at a young age.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Springtime is officially here. I just used pool water to fill up the bong

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(914): View more from New York

i just carried on a conversation with my mother from another room mid-ejaculation. you would have done the same

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

tolerance is too high. going on a liquor strike. ghandi style.

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(817): View more from Texas

well this feels familiar. awake at the crack of dawn laying in the fetal position praying for the sweet release of death. i think im done with jager for a while

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(425): View more from Washington

He chucked my pickle at the bouncer. Fucker, I wanted that.

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(815): View more from Illinois

Soooo how am i supposed to explain to my mom that i was admitted to the hospital but you kidnapped me within 20 minutes?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Just signed my boyfriend up on a dating website so I could officially have a reason to leave him for my hot neighbor.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

So I'm seriously debating forwarding these sexts to his horse faced new gf including the ones that say he still loves me... but I still need his check to clear... decisions decisions

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(513): View more from Ohio

I also would have accepted most things ending in "job", erotic favors, and food.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he aimed his bare ass at the sparkler, farted, and it really did work...i love 4th of july anal fire works

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(512): View more from Texas

Too many people are naked here for this to be normal.

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(424): View more from California

Excuse me do you have gonnorhea?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I want to frame my negative pregnancy test.

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(406): View more from Montana

also referred to as T.P.S. (Toddler Penis Syndrome)

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(323): View more from California

Well you will be happy to know that aaron carter hit on me

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(720): View more from Colorado

Thanks to her sunglasses tan, I can't look at her when she blows me cause it's like getting blown by a raccoon. A very talented raccoon

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

I'm drinking beergaritas with a dog who is high and a baby

(617): View more from Massachusetts

your completely serious

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Wedding cake is always the best dance partner. In the corner. With a jack and coke. And while I'm crying. Listening to "Almost Paradise".

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(315): View more from New York

i'm going through an 80s music phase. and by phase i mean i will only have sex to white snake

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(+35): View more from

Just woke up and my doorbell is on my nightstand... the fuck?

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you can't wake me up at 4am to suck your dick and then give me a high five at the bar

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(352): View more from Florida

I was so drunk, I was kissing everyone. Their sexual preference was none of my concern.

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(586): View more from Michigan

on the way home I asked you what exit we get off at and your answer was "just like the goldfish"

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(575): View more from New Mexico

We are taking shots off of spoons and listening to Mary Poppins.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

Succesfully slept on the roof at work for 3.5 hours without getting caught. I need a promotion

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(402): View more from Nebraska

We fucked in your water heater closet. Told you we'd try everywhere.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

You sprayed lysol all over me. You said that my soberness was infecting your night.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

please visit steve this weekend, he is getting mature and responsible and shit which scares me.

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(281): View more from Texas

Just woke up with 34 slim-jims in my pocket. Too afraid to check the others.

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(807): View more from Ontario

yes he's amazing in bed. he made me like, black out. everything went black it was weird. so yes, i'd fuck him again. plus, he has every season of buffy on dvd

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(613): View more from Ontario

I fuked that chick last night and she kept saying, "oh...oh....oh", like Bill Lumberg

(1-613): View more from Ontario

so what did you do?

(613): View more from Ontario

I did the mash I did the monster mash It was a graveyard smash!

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(469): View more from Texas

on the list of things i learned today that are not stripper poles: ex-boyfriends, table legs, and police officers.

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(289): View more from Ontario

Sometimes I send them texts like "I want to make you cry and lick up your tears" just to fuck with them. And THAT is how you get rid of a Stage 5 clinger.

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I just woke up in his house on his bathroom floor with an IV in my arm.

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(406): View more from Montana

you got me arrested i just think that goes without question you owe me a blowjob

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(218): View more from Minnesota

just cheers'ed a flock of cattle as i drove past eating a burger i bought 7 hours ago. that high.

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

It's official. The summoning powers of my vagina are unmatched by anything in this world.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

My nipple rings set off the metal detector at the courthouse this morning.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i know you like preteen girls so i'm gonna offer you some advice...dump a bucket of glitter on yourself and walk into the sunlight. they will come running.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've had a Margarita with salt, but I have to say I was impressed by the Stoli and Sprite rimmed with adderall

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(925): View more from California

Can you please check on Jay? He just called and left a Backstreet Boys song on my voicemail. Either it's 1998, or someone needs to go back to rehab.

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(914): View more from New York

dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.

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(512): View more from Texas

what did gay clubs do before lady gaga

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(574): View more from Indiana

So I was talking to her on the phone last night and had to mute it so I could take a crap.

(574): View more from Indiana

Side Note: My mute button doesn't work.

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(623): View more from Arizona

If you did the rosary as much as you masturbated, you would be the pope

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(410): View more from Maryland

Dude. My sister is off limits. Touch her again and I'll rip off your dick and force feed it to you.

(301): View more from Maryland

I accept this challenge.

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(314): View more from Missouri

Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.

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(410): View more from Maryland

we're taking a shot everytime we receive a "Happy Thanksgiving!!!!!" mass text. up to 7 since 10am. God help us.

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(513): View more from Ohio

Saw on the news tonight that Hamilton county's syphilis rate is 9x the national average...use protection!

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Thanks, mom.

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(972): View more from Texas

Lol i'z typing this with my 962 nose

(214): View more from Texas

962=my?

(972): View more from Texas

Yeah.i

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Can you fuck me on the kitchen counter at some point? I'll lysol it after

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(323): View more from California

He fell off a seesaw, tore half his ear off and somehow convinced the paramedic he was allowed to have a beer while being treated

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(317): View more from Indiana

and ill be dreaming of you. not in a creepy way, but in an inappropriate way

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I want to be done crawling through windows but the sex is too good to stop...but I'm running out of excuses for where the bruises on my legs are coming from.

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(802): View more from Vermont

I have got to stop assigning last names to girls I get numbers from based on what I think will remind me of them... Sarah Petrydish is not an acceptable memory trigger

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Well he has a girlfriend. So I told him that I wanted to have sex way more than I wanted to be a decent human being.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Bc when the owner of your local gay bar and a drag king ask you to take them to a rival gay bar 2hrs away at 4 in the morning YOU GO.

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(812): View more from Indiana

I was so proud to be driving sober that I wanted to get pulled over so I could tell the officer I hadn't been drinking.

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(907): View more from Alaska

We got back together. The pastures weren't greener on the other side, the dicks were just smaller

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(609): View more from New Jersey

She made a guy cry in the bar. I will have her, oh yes, I will have her..

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(502): View more from Kentucky

What's the appropriate way to phrase "If you ever leave your wife give me a call. But we can still have sex periodically until then."??

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(706): View more from Georgia

In a min. With a stripper at the hospital. Business. Not pleasure.

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(404): View more from Georgia

All is not lost. The bondage chair came with repair seals and glue. It's like the knewwwwwww this would happen.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

At what point last night did I start ordering doubles?

(856): View more from New Jersey

Right after we had the just friends talk..

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(250): View more from British Columbia

she has over 3,000 tagged photos on facebook. dont tell me she isnt annoying.

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(707): View more from California

drunk doesn't even begin to explain it. dude called him and said to bring you back because he'd already called dibs.

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(541): View more from Oregon

Stripperoke is exactly what it sounds...

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(845): View more from New York

The amount of pregnancy tests I've taken in my life is unhealthy

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(904): View more from Florida

i'm transferring to degrassi. i don't care that it's severely canadian. classes are five minutes long, there's no actual work and you can get oot of class whenever you want to go have a dramatic scene with someone in the hall

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(859): View more from Kentucky

Wow. Thanks for becoming another fan of something on Facebook. You make me want to gouge my eyes out.

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(805): View more from California

He chugged from a bottle of wine and then we had pretend sex

(949): View more from California

How do you have pretend sex?

(805): View more from California

It was bad...so it was pretend

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(847): View more from Illinois

Toga everclear = hospital visit... Im sure the paramedics hate me right now

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(203): View more from Connecticut

As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions

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(818): View more from California

it was only during my walk of shame that i realized i was wearing the exact same outfit that julia roberts wears on the dvd cover or pretty woman. prostitution is my destiny.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

does dane cook know its not 2004 and that hes no longer relevant?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

filling out my bracket based on schools with ppl I've hooked up with

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(209): View more from California

His friends call him "Gasm".... Im going for it.

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(248): View more from Michigan

she's got that wholesome 16 and pregnant look.

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(949): View more from California

my vag is so smooth its legendary

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(850): View more from Florida

She's thinkin about havin beer pong at her reception... She's walkin a fine line between trashy and the best idea ever

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(212): View more from New York

i want you now

(916): View more from California

you need to stop dating girls with the same name as your mother...or stop drinking so much...I don't want to see this

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(828): View more from North Carolina

you grabbed the waitors dick and yelled '2nd base' and then he gave you his number. I hate your life.

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(909): View more from California

Midgets have it so easy. They have so much less leg area to shave.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

I miss your penis. I'm telling you this as a friend, like its just a really great penis. You should be proud of it.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

Getting arrested together sounded so much more fun in theory.

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(541): View more from Oregon

someone get that fucking seahorse.

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(207): View more from Maine

this ms. usa coverage has sucessfully humbled every girl here. depressed fish in a leaky barrel. go!

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(940): View more from Texas

Bachelor party turned 19 hour search and rescue in the mountains. nbd

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(778): View more from British Columbia

Should I text him? Life is confusing when you actually like someone instead of just wanting to blow them.

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(212): View more from New York

guess who was drunk and crawling in the middle of the road and got brought home by the police last night? HINT: ME

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(320): View more from Minnesota

A. What the fuck are period panties? B. Don't ever wear them around me... or bears.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

she broke up with me using backstreet boy lyrics

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

you deserved it if you knew it was backstreet boys.

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(720): View more from Colorado

Why on earth are you answering my texts promptly? Thought for certain you'd be caught up in some ridiculous orgy by this time.

(970): View more from Colorado

I'm that good.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Spraying perfume on pants makes them clean right?

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(541): View more from Oregon

I froze in his sixty one degree room but i came so hard. Like fucking the eskimo god.

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(650): View more from California

areolas are like halos for boobs.

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(812): View more from Indiana

No, I'm not keeping her! I can't become an adulterer and a dog stealer in the same 24 hours...

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(773): View more from Illinois

My landlord doesn't knock anymore when he shows the apt... So i just had sex in front of a family.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

didn't stop?

(773): View more from Illinois

naw, they were rude, not me.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

let's have our labels/stereotypes/careers for each kid by next week.

(401): View more from Rhode Island

oh how i love working at summer camp.

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(407): View more from Florida

I drew a venn diagram at the top of my final comparing stuff i know and stuff on the test.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Pregaming class all semester has made this final review session more like my introduction to the topic.

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(253): View more from Washington

i wanted to iron the shorts i'm wearing. but i'm high and lazy. so i'm using my hair straightener. in bed.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Are you drinking alone?

(662): View more from Mississippi

no, i'm watching house

(601): View more from Mississippi

That doesn't count.

(662): View more from Mississippi

wtf, then i'm always alone

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(360): View more from Washington

Using his name makes it all too personal. I refuse to get attached to this one. This is all about ass. He doesn't get a name.

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(812): View more from Indiana

Contrary to what I yelled at them last night, it turns out campus police CAN arrest people...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I think i just called up my ex and talked to her for 20 minutes about frogs and how happy i am to be wearing shorts

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(818): View more from California

I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Your expertise in crazy bitches is needed.

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(614): View more from Ohio

I couldn't get internet on my iPod in this hotel room for porn, so I made due with UFC.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I'm not sure what to say to that.

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(513): View more from Ohio

i always forget that thursday isnt the weekend in the real world

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(516): View more from New York

You were telling me to give my phone mouth to mouth so it wouldn't die.. Should i be worried for you?

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(817): View more from Texas

Anyone who says sunshine brings happyness has never woken up with the worst hangover of their life to their window being open and it being a bright shinny day

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(956): View more from Texas

found scuba porn. totally not sexy. life continues to disappoint.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

So my boyfriend is on his way over and there is no time to wash the sheets from when I had his roommate over earlier. Put them in the dryer with a damp bounce sheet. Win?

(720): View more from Colorado

This is a whole new level of slut for you....do they smell ok?

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(352): View more from Florida

all i need in life is blowjobs and white cheddar cheezits

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(773): View more from Illinois

If its called oral, why is it so hard to talk?

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Im debating on how to word my craigslist post so i dont get arrested...

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(864): View more from South Carolina

just got my goo swallowed for the first time. colors seem so much more vivid now, and more rainbows are outside

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(760): View more from California

Man, ugly runs in her family

(619): View more from California

yeah, big time

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I just realized I have yet to puke in your new apartment. Clearly we're doing something wrong. On my way over with Cuervo as I type.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

I just asked the bartender if I could get insurance on my drink in case I spilled it.

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(260): View more from Indiana

I just found ouut you can get a DUI in a kayak. Fuck.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I feel like I should I write an apology note to the frat for falling down stairs, passing out on the couch, and chugging the entire bottle of burnetts at semiforml last weekend. Apparently I was the main topic of discussion at their chapter meeting last night.

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(702): View more from Nevada

I just googled the nutrition facts for a mcgriddle and yet I still want to go to mcdonalds

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(408): View more from California

How was your sisters wedding?

(1-408): View more from California

Oh, I didn't go. I slept through my alarm. I finally woke up and was like...I don't think so.

(408): View more from California

sisterhood ftl.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

dude...i just woke up in ****'s bed!

(985): View more from Louisiana

doesn't he have a girlfriend???

(504): View more from Louisiana

yeah...who do you think woke us up...

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(734): View more from Michigan

Hurry there's a dancing lesbian. She's a jumper and has impeccable jazz hands.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just whacked off in the middle of writing a paper, gave me great ideas. Note, should do this more often.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I am too pretty for them to be this angry at me.

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

Warning: at some point today you will probably see several pics of me 69-ing a blow up turtle show up on facebook. Just disregard them.

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(410): View more from Maryland

They woke me up at 4 in the morning screaming "drunk adventure time!" because they needed a sober chaperone. They made me walk them around the block shoeless.

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(917): View more from New York City

Today should be called shooting fish in a barrel day. Every place ive gone to ive met a girl who regrets not hooking up last night. There have not been girls this easy since Fathers Day

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(406): View more from Montana

you kept looking at stripers and saying " Go to College"

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(661): View more from California

i just lost my virginity over my 3 hour lunch break..

(951): View more from California

u hav a 3 hour lunch break?!

(661): View more from California

i like how the length of my lunch break is the thing that phases u

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(248): View more from Michigan

he saw my emergency pass-out-in-the-bathroom-after-drunken-puking cot in the bathroom.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Would the plural word for douche be deese? "Look at these deese bags"?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Are you high?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i just licked mashed potatoes off my blackberry. i'm not even ashamed to admit that to you.

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(219): View more from Indiana

she called me a fuckfaceshitdick. not that's creative. it sounds like a crayola crayon, preferrably an orange-brown shade.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Hey cutie is the game almost over? I'm making dinner for us it'll be ready soon. Xox

(1-248): View more from Michigan

You would rather make fucking dinner than watch a hockey game that rivals the epic-ness of miracle, the one of the biggest upsets in sport history? Babe I don't know if I can date a girl with such terrible priorities.

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(208): View more from Idaho

I kinda volunteered your dick to help her deal with her virginity issues. Figured you wouldn't mind.

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(904): View more from Florida

Apparently, we were running around the apartment, singing into pickles, the routinely slapped our passed out friends with them.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Our new goal for this summer is to fuck so hard we lose his security deposit.

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(707): View more from California

He compliments me like a gay guy and fucks me like a starved nympho. I'm in love.

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(218): View more from Minnesota

Do you think i can prewrite an apology on friday and leave it vague enough to just finish on sunday?

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

she puked as i came inside her. that has to mean something.

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(254): View more from Texas

Just promise me we won't die tonight. I can't have an autopsy report that reads "stomach contents: Tequila and semen."

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(417): View more from Missouri

When we found you, you were using the bottle of Captain as a pillow...with a note on your forehead that said don't wake up the champion.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I don't go on dates. I watch tv and play with dicks. dinner is a situation.

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(205): View more from Alabama

He spent 6 hours at the ER after crashing a motorcycle and still came to the bar, Ofcourse I went home with him. He's my hero.

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(765): View more from Indiana

That's right. If she can't abide by the rules then she gets booted. It's like survivor booty call edition

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hey man sorry, can't talk. I'm already taking risks by ripping the bong on this conference call.

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(915): View more from Texas

What can I expect? While all of my friends are getting married, all of his friends are tripping on robitussin

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(870): View more from Arkansas

I don't get it.

(501): View more from Arkansas

Me neither.

(501): View more from Arkansas

But I masturbated to it anyway.

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(937): View more from Ohio

oh and i really hope miley falls off this mountain she is climbing

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(818): View more from California

Yo I'm just eating dinner now. U ready to go out?

(213): View more from California

Ya ya. Where you eating?

(818): View more from California

Cereal and beer. U kno u want in.

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(865): View more from Tennessee

I take back everything I said about communal showers

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i guess it wasn't a booty call since he got home from the club at 6:00 am... he told me to consider it morning sex

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(301): View more from Maryland

Yo, my girl thinks she's pregnant, so I've got a DD for the wedding. Sweet.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Maybe she got knocked up by accident. I still refuse to believe that anyone actually INTENTIONALLY gets pregnant.

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(317): View more from Indiana

sorry I didn't call you. I had your number saved as "girl that offered bj but didn't follow thru".

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(305): View more from Florida

i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.

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(713): View more from Texas

I cant believe I just managed to do a drug deal across the country for you...

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(586): View more from Michigan

One of my boys faked an orgasm while fucking a girl tonite, w/ out wearing a condom mind you.

(586): View more from Michigan

She caught him, and immediately put her clothes on and left.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i waited two years for her to sleep with me. it just didnt seem worth it.

(719): View more from Colorado

she lost her virginity three hours after you dumped her.

(414): View more from Wisconsin

are you serious?

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(513): View more from Ohio

Just walked by a group of guys calling out walks of shame with a mega phone from their front porch.

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(985): View more from Louisiana

Am I texting you while being used as a stripper pole by two half-naked women? hint: I am.

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(303): View more from Colorado

I'll call it a relationship when I stop masturbating after he goes to sleep

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Well, I guess that settles the question of how thick the walls are in my building.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The house is trashed, there is porn scattered everywhere like an easter egg hunt and the blow up doll is sleeping on the couch downstairs. someone covered her up.

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(804): View more from Virginia

I assume you are not resopnding because you are having sex thus i give you a text message high five

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(713): View more from Texas

Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?

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(703): View more from Virginia

he called me back to his office so he could lick a line of pixie stick off of my thigh

(1-703): View more from Virginia

be sure to add "office slut" to your resume

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(310): View more from California

my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.

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(207): View more from Maine

Set off the fire alarm in our dorm at 2:30 am last night. 150 Naked people wrapped in towels shared a bag of popcorn with me as we watched the firefighters frantically search for my burnt popcorn in the building.

(603): View more from New Hampshire

OMG THAT WAS YOU?!

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(903): View more from Texas

Handcuffed. To. Steering. Wheel. Fuck.

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(214): View more from Texas

She is making me post-sex grilled cheese at 2 am wearing only shorts and cowboy boots. I am so in love

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

Hi, I just found this phone under my seat at a brewers game and seeing as you're entered in as 'fillllatio' I figured I'd ask you if you know the illiterate ass who owns this phone. Thanks :)

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(509): View more from Washington

ahhh, you guys look like a cute little family in the cop car!

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(913): View more from Kansas

If a video of someone that looks like me banging that chick on the hood of her car in some parking lot suddenly shows up on the web... let me know, I gotta see how that turned out.

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(828): View more from North Carolina

so after the bed broke we walked out of the room to a standing ovation

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(612): View more from Minnesota

Aunt Jean just announced that her pubic hair is getting thicker as her head hair gets thinner. As a family we are just not a people of mystery.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

Overheard: "his girlfriend fucks him with the lights off. It's not serious."

(716): View more from New York

lmfao. well really. it's not love if you cringe at the site of his anus.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i ditched last period to have sex with him. i had to change into my skank clothes in the church parking lot. little kids were on the swings.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

nothing about this is right.

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(445): View more from Pennsylvania

We fucked standing up with my right leg over his shoulder. Thank you mom and dad for having once enrolled me in gymnastics. It has finally paid off

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(303): View more from Colorado

dude they had a "sorry for partying" wall in their house which consisted if all the hospital bills, tickets, detox receipts and court orders they've gotten. The ENTIRE wall was covered.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I like one night stands...theyre like crushes for big kids

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(614): View more from Ohio

Yeah true. Damn vaginas. They're ruining the world.

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(815): View more from Illinois

you thought your balls were fighting each other...

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(631): View more from New York

guess who just trotted in eating her oats and wagging her penis

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

its always fun the next morning to look around the room and see where all the clothing landed.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!

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(310): View more from California

for once, the $56 i am about to pay for plan b was actually worth the sex.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Like if Robert Downey Jr. and Kiefer Sutherland got together for a bender, that's how drunk I want us to be.

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(513): View more from Ohio

just opened a can of spagetti o's with a butter knife. the things u will do for food when ur stoned.

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(425): View more from Washington

Skinny jeans should not be made in size 14. Then, it's just a lie.

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(406): View more from Montana

What happened on tuesday that a stripper knows my full name?

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(518): View more from New York

I have this strange craving to see a really fat person go down a slipnslide

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(517): View more from Michigan

we are playing family charades. my sister pointed at me. everyone guessed alcoholic.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Ummmm yeah ..,.. All three girlfriends I have right now are chatting with each other at the party...... I'll see you on the other side

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(317): View more from Indiana

If I had a quarter for every time I had sex in your bed while you were out of town, I would probably be a lot more willing to buy you new sheets. Hope you're having a nice vacation.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I wish that one Sunday morning I could wake up feeling like I have my life together.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

Somewhere out there, someone is getting laid. And then theres me, watching Star Trek porn while my roommate plays World of Warcraft next door

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(917): View more from New York City

just stared at ed norton's ass for 26 miles. if there was ever an incentive to run a marathon, that was it. my life is perfect.

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(970): View more from Colorado

I was fucking the girl and her best friend walked in on us. She said we looked thirsty, got us a glass of water, and poured it down both of our throats. It was like... sex bottle service

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(404): View more from Georgia

where are you?

(1-404): View more from Georgia

sonic

(404): View more from Georgia

Good. I hungoveredly cleaned your room. This is what being married is going to be like. I pick the condoms up off the floor and you bring home the hot dogs.

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(503): View more from Oregon

He fingered me while we both sang the fresh prince theme song.

(1-503): View more from Oregon

Marry him

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(440): View more from Ohio

Those strippers last night smelled great. It was the perfect mixture of vanilla and daddy issues.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I didn't think it was possible, but that girl next door is even louder when drunk.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I broke his nose at the bar and he still went home with me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

There's a paramedic out here, what have you done?

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(575): View more from New Mexico

I think I'm going to die by hangover. I'm in my spanish class. So I guess I'm going to be muerte.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just realized I am holding a beer in 133 out of 134 photos of me on my facebook page.

(913): View more from Kansas

Nobody is perfect

(816): View more from Missouri

I'm at Waffle House wearing one of the paper hats in the other

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(207): View more from Maine

She told me to "stuff her hole like a build-a-bear". I was so drunk I didn't even think that was weird.

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(804): View more from Virginia

just got out of a noise viloation because the cop recognized my roomate as his favorite chipotle burrito roller. just another reason I love ritos

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Today I made a list of everyone I have had sex with...there is more than double my age...

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(314): View more from Missouri

i was texting myself key events from last night so i could remember this morning. looked at my phone, texted my mother instead. our numbers differ by 1 digit

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

im sorry, I just can't fuck a guy who can't receive picture messages

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Some dude just bet me $8 I couldn't smoke a pack of cigarettes in an hour...It sounds stupid, but I really wanna do it. If I survive, I'll have $8 and it'll look good on my resume.

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(757): View more from Virginia

The dry cleaners wouldn't even take our clothes. That's how bad of a night it was.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

everyday i become more and more impressed with my facebook stalking skills

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(562): View more from California

omg, he ripped it...he ripped my vagina...best. night. ever.

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(503): View more from Oregon

gross. I think i'll just donate all my eggs. My children will be incredible, but they're not welcome in my womb

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(250): View more from British Columbia

Do you think it'll be awkward standing up at their wedding knowing I've slept with both the bride and the groom?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Now you know why i just sit on the toilet and scream

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(260): View more from Indiana

dude she has hot friends.. do you want blonde brunette or red head.. maybe asian?

(1-260): View more from Indiana

what is this build-a-bear? .. just gimme one thats breathing

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(507): View more from Minnesota

I have a walk of shame I should be getting to. "Hey, by the way, what is your name?" is not a conversation I want to have today

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(785): View more from Kansas

You need to stop texting me at SEVEN in the morning. It wakes my one night stands up and makes for the awkward talk way too early.

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(250): View more from British Columbia

I saw a seagull swallow a hot-dog whole today, it reminded me of you.

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(641): View more from Iowa

and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"

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(708): View more from Illinois

I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.

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(661): View more from California

this is the 21st century. you drunk fuck him and then go on a date.

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(563): View more from Iowa

i feel as if last night was a right of passage. to officially be an adult you must have a drunken one night stand with a co-worker and go to work the next day still drunk wearing yesterday's clothes...

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(406): View more from Montana

we convinced you the moon was a planet...again

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(712): View more from Iowa

Trust me, I wear more condoms than socks. I wouldn't risk infecting my cock. It's my livelyhood.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I got you a housewarming gift. It starts with "A" and ends with "bottle of Jameson"

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(305): View more from Florida

Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.

(786): View more from Florida

How high are you right now..

(305): View more from Florida

I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.

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(206): View more from Washington

Even if you were sober, spitters are STILL quitters, end of story.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

The guy I was getting with last night took off his purity ring mid-sex and threw it across the room.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I have to verbally tell you. He looks good on paper...but he totally fails in person. Like communism.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Promise me that if I become one of those sad people that facebook pesters you to 'reconnect with' you'll tell me so I can delete mine and save myself the humiliation?

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(630): View more from Illinois

seeing two hook-ups in tagged in the same picture will send chills down anyone's spine.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I saw a chick at 8 am this morning walking back to my dorm wearing wings... I'm kind of jealous.

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(516): View more from New York

Stole every fake plant from the lobby and placed it in front of you're apartment door, Enjoy!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Woke up with the note 'going outside. Ignore bloody spoon. Be back soon' taped to my forehead. Know anything about it?

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(317): View more from Indiana

cum and cheesecake for breakfast...don't fucking tell me pride week isn't awesome

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(214): View more from Texas

decided to have an easter egg hunt this year. the golden egg has weed in it and all the others have shots of vodka. who said we were too old for easter?!?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

DAMN! I hate it when i drunkenly erase all my "sent message" and wake up in the morning and my inbox is full of "WTF?" and "Huh?" messages.

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(808): View more from Hawaii

Went to get my tattoo today. Found out the piercing girl is bi. I may just get my nipples done to get hit on tomorrow. Confidence is low these days.

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(214): View more from Texas

does wine, beer, and vodka mix well??

(817): View more from Texas

dude, everything can mix, this is college.

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(706): View more from Georgia

dear vagina, thank you for making it so goddamn hard to get pregnant. i love you.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!

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(631): View more from New York

all I know is if I don't watch spice world right now there will be a firefight.

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(952): View more from Minnesota

I told you not to have sex with her on my futon

(612): View more from Minnesota

I didnt dude, i swear!

(952): View more from Minnesota

either that or you were eating mayo, which was the second thing i told you not to do on my futon

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

4:33 am: Sleep on left side of my bed. T-shirts are second drawer on left side, boxers top right. I don't wake up when lights are on so feel free in my room..

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(415): View more from California

so, does the "dick the size of your forearm" thing run in the family then?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Call me next time you want to get irresponsibly drunk when we have grown up things to do the next day.

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(516): View more from New York

nothing says 'im willing to leave my comfort zone for you' like letting you choke me during sex

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Buying a large dominoes pizza for a wasted 3 mile walk is the best bad idea ever. My mouth is on fire, probably broke my hand, and i may or may not have eaten street pizza.

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

How did you break your hand eating pizza?

(603): View more from New Hampshire

Boxes are hard to see rocks through.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.

(1-202): View more from Washington, DC

Thanks, mom.

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(519): View more from Ontario

he's measuring my pool to see how much jello powder he needs. He got paid today.

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(772): View more from Florida

You better not fucking die before we have sex while you blow fire. I'm serious. Don't mess up my sexual bucket list.

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(957): View more from

I just saw a group of 50+ year old women all wearing shirts that said "drink up, bitches" ...please tell me that can be us some day.

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(706): View more from Georgia

I'm having a staring contest with a raccoon.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Where the hell are you

(706): View more from Georgia

He's winning.

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(971): View more from Oregon

So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

So how gross is it that Woopie Goldberg has a vagina? She's like the exact opposite of a boner....

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(917): View more from New York City

I only have two rules. But i've fotgotten those rules and replaced them w 2 other rules

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

My bracket is officially just a list of teams that lost.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

okay im going to go eat, shower and find underwear... call if you want.... but ill be listenig to glee VERY loudly.

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(419): View more from Ohio

your transformation into a slut upon entering college is like a shakespearian tragedy

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(559): View more from California

he only lasted three minutes, so to spite him i stayed the night and slept in.

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(334): View more from Alabama

thats the 2nd threesome ive been accused of this week

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(217): View more from Illinois

i find it unbelievable that you didn't think it was necessary to intervene when i started letting people autograph my body with spray tan.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

If I started a story with "That three-year-old totally deserved it," would you listen?

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(360): View more from Washington

Girls night always turns into let's seperate and get laid night.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

he told me he's been faithful to his girlfriend and is gonna try to stay that way. challenge accepted.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

walked into a party last night, i saw 3 ex gfs standing in a circle talking to each other...that's the quickest u-turn i've ever made in my life.

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(818): View more from California

Another night of drunkeness. Maybe I shouldn't have played death pong...

(714): View more from California

Didn't you just get a DUI last week?

(818): View more from California

Indeed I did but death didn't stop Jesus now did it

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(703): View more from Virginia

But I thought everyone had breakup sex?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

she kept checking the clock when she was giving me head and at midnight she said she had to stop because she cant eat meat on fridays is that bitch serious

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Keeping hand sanitizer and lube in the same drawer in the same size bottle = awful idea

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(630): View more from Illinois

That girl's pussy is like White Castles, you crave it once in awhile, but you know next morning you regret eating it.

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(310): View more from California

All drunkenness aside, confirm u are alive

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(478): View more from Georgia

This is not my ceiling

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(616): View more from Michigan

The dutch village is so much worse hungover. Fuck them and their wooden shoes.

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(506): View more from New Brunswick

I ishhh haha are u coming nack easyer?

(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

the fact that I know you're asking me if I'm coming home for easter makes me believe I speak fluent vodka.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you've been in a long relationship when u start retiring sex toys

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(443): View more from Maryland

How many pudding cups do I have to eat for it to count as dinner?

(402): View more from Nebraska

4.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I owe you 20 bucks. My blood work did show liver damage.

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(941): View more from Florida

I just did the math. 30.36% of girls I've slept with have cheated on a significant other while doing it.

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(310): View more from California

it's too hot outside to masturbate.

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(406): View more from Montana

i woke up with my wallet keys and phone missing and a treasure map to find them stapled to my shirt.

(1-406): View more from Montana

haha i know

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(+61): View more from Australia

I feel like I should put "don't judge me" in the special instructions for the pizza guy.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

So befoe we go on this mission how reliable are you for bailing peope out of jail

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(210): View more from Texas

I need your advice and before you say it, no, it cannot be solved by a blow job

(917): View more from New York City

You clearly don't understand the power you wield with your mouth.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Answer the phone when I call you in a second. Just got pulled over for getting road head, going to secretly put you on speaker phone, this should be good

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(313): View more from Michigan

At a stoplight watching a woman push groceries in a stroller while dodging oncoming traffic... Reallllly Detroit?

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(847): View more from Illinois

We're official. Living with your boyfriend sounds so much better than fucking your roommate.

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(604): View more from British Columbia

just found out there is no tactful way to ask your girlfriend to wax her stache. no matter what a google search would have you believe.

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(972): View more from Texas

It's not my fault I help girls realize they're lesbians.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

we were hanging out in his room and he decided to play WoW.. so i took off all my clothes while he wasn't paying attention and laid on his bed and started playing with myself.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

did he notice?

(267): View more from Pennsylvania

of course he didn't notice.. he was playing a fiesty level 1 fucker that wouldn't give up..

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(586): View more from Michigan

Is she bent over a couch yet or did daylight savings time throw off her usual schedule?

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I am choosing my outfit based on how fast I can get it off. Please help.

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(707): View more from California

I feel like my lungs want to punch me in the vagina.

(1-707): View more from California

is that even a sentence?

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(248): View more from Michigan

Any little, cute, petite blondes with you?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Nah, I got some slutty brunettes though.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

We played "race the Jimmy John's driver". Order, then see if we can finish sex before the food arrives.

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(309): View more from Illinois

She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"

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(517): View more from Michigan

Seriously... Things should be way more awkward... The entire female half of the bridal party INCLUDING THE BRIDE blew me in high school....

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(631): View more from New York

I hope you don't have to start the day explaining to me how you failed to turn "Can I practice my belly dancing in your apartment" into all night sex.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Just so you know there's a random man downstairs knocking on a door with a dozen roses and a 30 pack of beer. Unattractive or not, I'm inviting him in.

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(770): View more from Georgia

To the person who left a cup of vomit in the bathroom: I commend you for your aim but you are dead to me- not an ideal birthday present.

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(253): View more from Washington

I can't wait for round whatever # we're on tonight.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

Your cum is still running out of me. I pity the next person that tries these jeans on....

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(615): View more from Tennessee

I'm in his phone as "nashville blowjob" he also has "cleveland blowjob" "vegas blowjob" etc. i'm okay with this.

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(706): View more from Georgia

thank you for letting me use your house as a brothel.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Jim came in did 3 body shots of her she said "I like your tongue" and they left. I swear to god its deja vu he's done it before

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(816): View more from Missouri

He says he quit drinking. I'd like to have a moment of silence for losing the best drunken hookup ever. We will build a memorial to his awesome cock.

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(206): View more from Washington

She broke up with him yesterday after she cheated on him. He's going a bachelor party next weekend. How has Homeland Security not raised the threat level?

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(541): View more from Oregon

We ran out of wine so we are trying the absinthe you brought over from Spain like 3 years ago. Please call me at noon tomorrow. If we die, its your fault

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(248): View more from Michigan

You got off, kissed my dick and whispered "stay hard" to it, puked and then got right back on top of me like nothing happened...

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(910): View more from North Carolina

No, we have matured. We've stopped having sex in front if his room mate.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

So fucked up. Can't tell if I'm starving or about to puke. Playing it safe and eating froot loops. Tasty in, colorful out.

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(805): View more from California

I'm texting you from across the beer pong table to tell you that the drunk chick you brought over needs to disappear. like now.

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(480): View more from Arizona

I went down on her for at least a half hour, She loved it, so I thought she'd recip. She said "I only do that if I know I'm getting something out of it."

(1-480): View more from Arizona

SHUT IT DOWN.

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(503): View more from Oregon

I have blocked the memory from my mind. He is just a fuzzy cloud floating with my other bad decisions..

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(770): View more from Georgia

I really thought you were going to tell me you were pregnant on facebook chat. FACEBOOK CHAT. I almost cried.

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(404): View more from Georgia

just once i'd like the "right thing" and the "topless thing" to be the SAME THING

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(972): View more from Texas

They found an open window, climbed through and proceeded to arrest half the party. These campus cops are like fucking ninjas.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I just found $40 in the jeans I wore last night. PS I also found the jeans I wore last night.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Preparing for wine wednesday. How would you feel about improvising and starting a white russian wednesday tomorrow instead? you know, shake things up a bit.

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(914): View more from New York

Amanda Bynes on the cover of maxim is my 8th grade masturbation fantasy come to life

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i literally in my bathroom watching tv from across the hall while trying not to fall asleep with my dog keeping my feet warm. wednesday's shouldnt be like this

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(205): View more from Alabama

I'm a 23 year old virgin. I've masturbated in ways you can't even imagine.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Is it a problem that I find my wife's 16 year old niece sexy?

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(503): View more from Oregon

I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...

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(845): View more from New York

don't ever try to run hungover. just puked mid-run in front of an old couple that were going for a walk. they were horrified.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Car fucking is for special occasions like birthdays and bank holidays. Don't want to lose the magic by making it an everyday thing.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

There are just some things I refuse to put in my mouth.

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(714): View more from California

20 yrs from now I just want to barge in her house and yell at her kids, "I took ur moms virginity!"

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(605): View more from South Dakota

you know how they say when you die, your whole life flashed before you? well do you get to see what happened all the nights you blacked out?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I've see this movie. You sext me after the bar and fall asleep mid sentence. Roll credits.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Theres two guys using a blow up doll to hold their beers while they float around the pool

(252): View more from North Carolina

Im on my way, tell them to get ready for a high-five

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(440): View more from Ohio

I am at the gas station and there is a whole amish family here I'm not sure why the amish need gas but I think its worth investigating

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(229): View more from Georgia

this guy at work is bossing me around at work. He is 24 and still has highlights and spikes his hair.

(1-229): View more from Georgia

You're getting bossed around by a 1999 Highschool Yearbook picture?

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(845): View more from New York

you just knocked on the window of the ambulance and waved at me as we drove away

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(217): View more from Illinois

I don't even know why im sitting in this office eating a poptart.

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(760): View more from California

My 10 year old son gave me a bottle of jameson for fathers day. Did you have something to do with this?

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(859): View more from Kentucky

I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn

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(516): View more from New York

I don't know which is worse: knowing all the free porn websites, or knowing which days they update their free porn.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Package from mother. Contents: Cookies, my old pokemon cards, and condoms. Note: "These have a July 2010 expiration date so give them away or use them with a gal that would be a great daughter in law. Love Mom" Love you too momma

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

omg i finished an entire carton of double double chunk chunk ice cream last night...

(716): View more from New York

what? what exactly is in double double chunk chunk?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

self-loathing.

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(323): View more from California

I think I just saw the travelocity gnome in leather chaps.

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(718): View more from New York

you didnt remember my name all night. you kept referring to me as "the blonde with the fat ass"

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Yes theres a double standard. Get over it. Fuck the critics and go be the slut you were born to be

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(703): View more from Virginia

the party we were at had security guards carrying paintball guns. that probably should have been the first sign

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

thank you TLC waking up to a water birth on tv really put the cherry on top of my hangover...

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(773): View more from Illinois

You sent her a pic of your dick with 'guess what you cant have anymore' written on it with a marker.

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(516): View more from New York

Oh I also wanted to thank you for leaving your list of porn sites on the coffee table. Very entertaining.

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(630): View more from Illinois

the chick you hooked up with on my couch facebook friended me.

(630): View more from Illinois

just thought you should know her name is kristen

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(305): View more from Florida

The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just woke up with a girl who has left and right tattoed on her wrists. In french. I may need to stop drinking.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

Another night, another sound of my neighbor almost having an orgasm.

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

And she used to have such long ones. Sad.

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(702): View more from Nevada

He asked if it was my vagina. I told him it was my butt. Clearly I need to buy him a map of the female form.

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(816): View more from Missouri

you should buy a sheep. A) you get an awesome pet. B) free coat

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(801): View more from Utah

hey, what are you doing tonight?

(646): View more from New York

sleeping, g'night!

(801): View more from Utah

but i wanted to see you :(

(646): View more from New York

sleeping! g'night!(801): i miss you!

(646): View more from New York

stop - you have a right hand - use it!

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(701): View more from North Dakota

Now that I'm 21, I feel like I'm letting North Dakota down by not being drunk everyday

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(949): View more from California

it will be an insanely irresponsible summer.the only things i plan on not doing are dying and getting pregnant.and even those are negotiable

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(509): View more from Washington

Manscaping on you would be like trying to clean up the oil spill with a dixie cup.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I feel like a panda just shit rainbows on my mind

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(817): View more from Texas

They asked me to help them shop for lingerie.

(214): View more from Texas

Tell them everything looks awful, makes their ass look fat, etc. You'll wreck their self esteem and likely both have sex with you to make themselves feel better.

(817): View more from Texas

You're the most understanding sister I could ever ask for.

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(914): View more from New York

Every time a song comes on I get sad if glee has not a cover of it

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(916): View more from California

i'm sitting in the library realizing that the 2 most productive things i did this weekend was have sex and go to the liquor store...

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(701): View more from North Dakota

does anyone know how to get red sharpie out of a white cat?

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(845): View more from New York

i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore

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(864): View more from South Carolina

she really just asked how mermaids reproduce.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Why am I a bad person? You were the one trying to get people to eat tape.

Fav 3 3538 1213
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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

i live my life in a constant state of hangover.

Fav 25 3950 1798
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(303): View more from Colorado

My liver just broke up with me...

Fav 2 1359 1102
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(253): View more from Washington

Also on a more serious note, what says pull my hair more: straight or soft curls?

Fav 18 4336 1050
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(315): View more from New York

We were naked in his bed when he asked me "what should we do?"

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(562): View more from California

he accidentally used the toothbrush i use to induce my bulemia...i feel like this is something he shouldnt find out...

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(971): View more from Oregon

I can always tell its time to do laundry when my vibrator doesn't stay covered up in my sock drawer.

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(269): View more from Michigan

i'm at a baby shower....never been happier to not be having sex currently

Fav 17 5326 940
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(415): View more from California

was it good sex?

(510): View more from California

i mean it was good for how drunk we were. and for how big the closet was

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(860): View more from Connecticut

There's a hand-carved wooden bong in my backpack, and i really wish i could remember last night now.

Fav 6 3549 1142
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(281): View more from Texas

Sketchest drug deal yet.... I just got paid in quarters and chucky chesse tokens. I need to stop hooking my friends up.

Fav 18 1524 4153
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(917): View more from New York City

about to get into a hot tub with three cops. this cant go well

Fav 14 5368 1484
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(210): View more from Texas

happy birthday! Any relationship between us is now officially illegal.

Fav 49 7770 2445
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(304): View more from West Virginia

apparently smacking a customer in the face with his iPhone was not part of the WOW factor we learned in training...

Fav 36 4457 1017
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(631): View more from New York

AHHHH!!! note to self never google image chastity belt omfg

Fav 48 975 3646
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(973): View more from New Jersey

Its like everytime i see you, my vagina gets a heartbeat.

Fav 28 9589 1390
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(303): View more from Colorado

she has double-d's AND she knows what level Pidgeot evolves. don't tell me she's not a keeper

Fav 89 10417 2114
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(508): View more from Massachusetts

Its 6am. Um if my mom for some reasons asks, you stopped by my house around ten and had some wine with me. She is concerned I drank a whole bottle by myself. Woke me at 6am to interrogate..Thank god my pounding head thinks fast.

(508): View more from Massachusetts

PS We had chips too. She is less concerned about the whereabouts of the chips but still a good lie always needs detail.

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(330): View more from Ohio

Little spoons don't ask big questions

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(775): View more from Nevada

Hello Stephanie, you need to come pick me up at Par Blvrd correctional facility and bring $750-$1000 for bail. I just got a DUI. Thank you.

(1-775): View more from Nevada

What!?!?! How are you txting?!

(775): View more from Nevada

Because this is Officer Reynolds, and I just arrested your boyfriend.

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(248): View more from Michigan

whats the name of the jew you used to have sex with that lives on evergreen?

(1-248): View more from Michigan

be more specific...?

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(908): View more from New Jersey

you sat up and said "i'm the worst kind of roommate, the drunk kind"

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I returned the dress. When they asked for the reason for return I said, 'I don't deserve to wear white'.

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(630): View more from Illinois

But I love Penises too much to give up on them. My phone capitalized Penises. It's like it knows I respect them

Fav 10 5696 1159
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(858): View more from California

Let's go to weight watchers and eat in front of them.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

if you are receiving this text, you are one of the people i hate

Fav 3 2181 992
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(330): View more from Ohio

Just told the nurse I wouldn't get on the scale. Told her to write FAT.

Fav 27 1583 6491
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(905): View more from Toronto

you alive?

(1-905): View more from Toronto

ya, the episode of maury where people are afraid of things are on, i had to keep livin

Fav 17 3606 836
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(562): View more from California

hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available

Fav 5 1404 817
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(302): View more from Delaware

NEVERCLEAR, NEVER AGAIN.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Exactly. All of us sinners go to hell and get nothing while all of the goody two shoes get to go to heaven where its all pink floyd, lasers, and pot.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I feel like Captain Hook just gave me a pap smear.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just sat through a State Farm mortgage Insurance commercial to watch a Trick Daddy video. Is this the target audience they are going for here?

Fav 6 2493 1022
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(517): View more from Michigan

Still at the library. i hate tax accounting so much that i've started calling it potions...

Fav 41 8489 1709
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(317): View more from Indiana

Is "blowjob enthusiast" a bad costume?

Fav 9 3623 1227
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(314): View more from Missouri

hey sry I lost all my numbers who is this?

(573): View more from Missouri

pat the guy you slept with

(314): View more from Missouri

still need a last name

Fav 53 11112 2118
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(641): View more from Iowa

are you wasted or are you getting laid?

(515): View more from Iowa

ebdebdebdebd

(641): View more from Iowa

wow

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(514): View more from Quebec

Good luck man

(1-514): View more from Quebec

I dont need it. Shes easy.

Fav 8 2281 914
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(862): View more from New Jersey

textsfromlastnight.com keeps rejecting me

(973): View more from New Jersey

that alone proves you never get laid, nor have a life.. or have anything funny to contribute to the world.

Fav 27 1152 2687
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(313): View more from Michigan

Every time there's an awkward silence a gay baby is born

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(480): View more from Arizona

I'm pretty sure you're not supposed to hit on someone with another guy's semen in your hair. not even at ihop.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Why am I in a dog kennel?

(1-803): View more from South Carolina

It was for your own safety

Fav 27 13674 1976
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(323): View more from California

Pretty girls always come out on top. Or bottom. Whatever. Point is we come out with their boyfriends.

Fav 43 4258 1048
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(407): View more from Florida

It's really awkward to greet the pastor when I know I've licked chocolate syrup off his daughter's chest.

Fav 52 16713 1510
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(561): View more from Florida

he came faster then a bring it on movie goes to dvd

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(650): View more from California

Dear __, it'd be a lot easier to fuck if you ever responded. So I'm throwing in the white towel, since I no longer know what you want. Sincerely, ___

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(616): View more from Michigan

its good for cellulite if you don't wear underwear. its true

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(530): View more from California

There were 4 naked women demanding my presence. Of COURSE I got into the pool.

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(301): View more from Maryland

look. either you want to have late night naked sleep overs or you don't. do not involve dinner and extraneous conversations in this relationship.

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(419): View more from Ohio

doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

the bar just sent me a facebook message congratulating me on being a regular and getting such good grades. my life is not real.

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(630): View more from Illinois

i have a girlfriend

(847): View more from Illinois

if you're drunk do you have a girlfriend?

(630): View more from Illinois

no

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

theres a boy scout troop on my plane. right now theyre playing wilderness games. let me just tell you how excited i am to hit on all of them

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(585): View more from New York

broke, out of weed, out of gas, out of food, and my gf just left me.

(716): View more from New York

you're writing country songs now?

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(847): View more from Illinois

I'm so hungover I took Dramamine to help prevent the motion sickness of walking.

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(410): View more from Maryland

i woke up to 115 texts from him all saying "do you love me??"

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Contrary to popular belief, while 19 is an attractive age, it does not equate to sexual prowess.

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(231): View more from Michigan

i am sick of getting naked and seeing how fat i am.

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(805): View more from California

I just feel like Im gonna be remembered as that one RA guy that used to sell weed

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(858): View more from California

Jon and Kate are totally playing with my emotions.

(858): View more from California

i mean i care more about their marriage then my own parents

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(512): View more from Texas

Changed it back. Somehow I didn't think my profile pic should be me shirtless on ecstasy, ya know?

Fav 17 3562 1163
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(313): View more from Michigan

Until that no good dick sucking whore stays away from my boyfriend I am gonna start blowing all of his friends...

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(304): View more from West Virginia

She solidified the fact that the icon from Wendy's is the only ginger I care for

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(+52): View more from Mexico

I'm either too drunk or not bisexual anymore

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(773): View more from Illinois

i seriously hope you fucking die....you are the worst.

(773): View more from Illinois

SHit! Sorry, sent to wrong person

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(248): View more from Michigan

My new sobriety test is "how many times do I have to attempt to put toothpaste on my brush"... It takes a while.

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(256): View more from Alabama

Ryan Reynolds porn could be a WMD. Have a giant TV on the front of your tank, and just drive around playing it. Everyone dies of orgasm overload.

(1-256): View more from Alabama

That's it. Iraq is done. Everyone dies, game over man.

Fav 41 3054 1048
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(256): View more from Alabama

so...he totally just used scissors to cut up the weed. a wet paper towel to moisten the blunt....and a blow dryer so it wouldn't be wet. this dude either has the worst case of OCD or has the potential to be the next martha stewart.

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(516): View more from New York

Why does every girl think its ok to cheat on their boyfriends with me?

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(630): View more from Illinois

Oh and then this old man who saw it happen goes "don't do that"

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Hahaha what a helpful old man. Like you thought it was normal to be spilling gas everywhere.

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(913): View more from Kansas

checking your phone to see who you drunk dialed last night isnt as funny when you see you had a 17 minute call to your dad.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

How do I introduce myself to her without coming off as "the guy who jacks-off to her profile pic"?

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(804): View more from Virginia

Hey guys, just to let you know, I have a boyfriend...so that hookup was kind of a one time thing.

(571): View more from Virginia

was that a mass text??

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(904): View more from Florida

I think he thought he was a gentleman because he bought me the most expensive plan b at cvs

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(313): View more from Michigan

remind me in the morning to get the random kid out of the closet and to clean the pudding off the wall

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Im a photoshop master, i successfully reduced the size of the pupils of all the girls I made out last night with to prove they were not that drunk. So glad the camera goes home with me.

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(925): View more from California

Forget about socially acceptable. Make me happy instead

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(251): View more from Alabama

Barack Obama mentioned plan B and suddenly this address seems a lot more personal

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(818): View more from California

They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...

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(516): View more from New York

The best part of listening to lady gaga while high is that any word your brain puts in is right.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I cant remeber how long i've been laying here...it could be 10 minutes to a fucking day

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(631): View more from New York

the toilet has never flushed louder then when you sneak home drunk and try to avoid your parents hearing you puke.

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(909): View more from California

The 3 of us think it's time to start drinking.

(1-909): View more from California

3?

(909): View more from California

Me, myself and I

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(734): View more from Michigan

Skip Greektown and come to Geektown. I just want to cuddle.

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(479): View more from Arkansas

I think I left my camera at your house. It would be in both of our best interests if you don't go through the pics.

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(+62): View more from

This is so fucking sad. Netherlands isn't even a real country.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

well after this past weeked you can expect to see me on maury playing a little game called "who's the father"

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

the boy next to me on the plane handed me a shot glass, then a perkaset, and told me to have a good week off..hellllo spring break.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

there is a homeless man oan crack poledancing on a fence... now hes humping it...

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(512): View more from Texas

Bad idea. College students cannot afford both alcohol and a cat. Unless said cat is irish, and can feed itself with fifths of whisky.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

how is it that boston is so bitchin and the rest of massachusetts sucks so much?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

how is it that you still think "bitchin" is an acceptable term anymore?

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm coming over to use your dick. I need to take my aggression out on something. Hope that's cool.

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(718): View more from New York

Almost peed between 2 cars...till I realized that it's daytime and I'm sober.

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(602): View more from Arizona

my dad is going to jail this weekend

(1-602): View more from Arizona

where are we going to get our weed from?

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(614): View more from Ohio

if three guys were standing in front of you and they differed only in the hairiness of the groin who would you choose: smooth as a baby's bottom, the grass lands or the amazon jungle?

(1-614): View more from Ohio

i think you're getting too neurotic about why she won't touch you.

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

shape ups are the best shoes to wear when youre stoned. its like walking on little trampolines every step.

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(802): View more from Vermont

Judging that there's a photo of me getting head while sitting on a graveyard tombstone.....not good.

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(847): View more from Illinois

ready 4 sex 2nite?

(978): View more from Massachusetts

wow. woo me matt, woo me.

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(360): View more from Washington

I actually kind of like the booze poos. It's like a colon cleanse. I feel skinnier.

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(021): View more from

Microwaved placenta is very unpleasant.

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(801): View more from Utah

Did you read the article making fun of the right wing extremists? How they organized this 'tea party', and to propagate it they would mail teabags to their senators? And it became a verb...they had posters saying 'teabag obama!' yeah...

(435): View more from Utah

A message to Mrs Obama perhaps?

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(318): View more from Louisiana

So my game is weak??

(501): View more from Arkansas

If your game is "Lets have sex, and maybe pizza" then yes.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Do u think I can claim pregnancy as an accident so my insurance covers it?

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(914): View more from New York

this is not okay. even my mom refers to me as a sorostitute.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

me and my mom are sitting in the bank parking lot drying my beer soaked check with the heat... the whole car smells like heinekin and I'm trying to convince her I don't need a.a.

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(845): View more from New York

How do u explain cocaine to a 9 year old?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

You know, Peter Parker would not have been nearly as cool if he had gotten bitten by an ant.

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I opened up her dishwasher and all I found was a spoon, a juice glass and all her sex toys.

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(708): View more from Illinois

so my doctor just swabbed my throat, and he looked up in suprise when i had no gag reflex. yea, he just judged me.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I wish there was some sort of "recently added" function for blackberrys so i could see what random numbers i got from the night before

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

my new ipod has external speakers and a video camera...all i can think about is how much more convenient it would be for me to make a pretty decent sex tape

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(604): View more from British Columbia

Her boobs were tiny. I could have used her bra as a blind fold. Which in hindsight would have made things a lot better.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I'm at the doctor and the male nurse (haha) asked me if I smoked, drank or did drugs, and when he said 'drugs' he looked me right in the eye and did a perfect wrist rocket.

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(305): View more from Florida

1:32a: I quit. signing up for eharmony. Don't judge

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(530): View more from California

I have a love/hate relationship when men come within a 10 minute time frame.

Fav 45 910 2771
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(718): View more from New York

no, I didn't make it. Instead, i watched VH1 for... 13 hours? I use the question mark because I was using Flavor Flav's clocks to tell time after the first 3 hours.

Fav 3 4394 1334
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(713): View more from Texas

You know your in college when you decide house chores with games of beer pong...

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(630): View more from Illinois

Our drug dealer just got busted, wear black tmrw

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(248): View more from Michigan

absolutely 100% incorrect. and i love you more you silk skinned goddess

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(301): View more from Maryland

Nothing ruins a good sext like too many emoticons

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(980): View more from North Carolina

How old was that tiny chick? she needs a lard iv.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i feel like god sat there all night pointing and laughing at me

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(207): View more from Maine

I wish i could be on x for the rest of my life.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Oh god. It's my first day here, I'm still drunk and somebody just drifted in a forklift. I'm going to die.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Dude, it's gettin so bad even my fantasies just wanna be friends.

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(845): View more from New York

i kind of just want to tell my cleaning lady I'm an alcoholic so it's not awkward when I stumble out of my room to go sit in my car for 2 hours and wait for her to finish cleaning the several empty bottles of wine in my room

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(864): View more from South Carolina

Going to eat lunch. Bunch of people in church clothes, and we are hungover, wearing pajamas, and in real danger of puking on the floor. We're about to destroy the ambience of this joint.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

4 words: hood of his car

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(505): View more from New Mexico

Stop blaming waffle house for all your problems

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(720): View more from Colorado

New scientific discovery: The hypothetical attractiveness of a woman increases exponentially as her skirt:boot ratio approaches zero. Nobel Prize in my future?

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(310): View more from California

I just used my thong as a hair tie. I think I reached my limit.

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(585): View more from New York

Why was I handcuffed to the roof?

(518): View more from New York

It was easier then trying to explain why you couldn't fly

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(646): View more from New York

You tired to make Beefaroni in the Mr. Coffee machine.

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(916): View more from California

does he have a tent? the camping kind not the boner kind.

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(586): View more from Michigan

No matter how fun it seemed the night before you will always regret taking those pictures, you will always regret eating as much as you did, but you will never regret the great lengths you had to got to get those bruises.

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(541): View more from Oregon

I just hope this isn't happening Final Destination style

(1-541): View more from Oregon

Travis Barker would totally be Devon Sawa in this scenario

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(904): View more from Florida

i think he just uses that whole "grew up in a castle" thing to get pussy

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(716): View more from New York

I'd call her a cunt, but she dooesn't seem to have the depth or warmth.

Fav 116 7087 1963
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(574): View more from Indiana

New drinking game: drink every time the guy whose room we are in is creepy

(860): View more from Connecticut

enjoy the hospital

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(303): View more from Colorado

other girls like to lick balls but none of them live for it like u do

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(201): View more from New Jersey

I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.

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(310): View more from California

i was born a porn star she said

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(713): View more from Texas

My superpower would be to be able to make a chick instantly start her period just by thinking about it

Fav 109 1341 5010
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(612): View more from Minnesota

Hey I found your number in my phone i dont remember how we met this is richard btw

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

strange i dont have your number must have been a drunk thing

(612): View more from Minnesota

could be more

(1-612): View more from Minnesota

absolutely not

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(281): View more from Texas

I love taking my adderall while im in class! As soon as I take the pill out everyone around me just stares in envy!

Fav 51 5517 1177
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(805): View more from California

Soap is not a condiment

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(604): View more from British Columbia

every facebook tagged picture of yours, you are either drinking, swimming or drunk in water

Fav 8 3546 1093
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(905): View more from Ontario

Couple in the hotel room next to me keep fucking. When I hear her get close I call the room wait for them to stop and hang up. If I'm not getting any tonight then no one should.

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(574): View more from Indiana

Have fun fixing the bed from last night Bob Villa.

(260): View more from Indiana

At least you didn't call me Brittany this time

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(206): View more from Washington

Heyy I kind of wanted to apologize and excuse myself for last night. I feel like that was a little much. I just met you. That's why I don't like tequila. Haha

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(970): View more from Colorado

I had a dream that the allstate guy hooked up with flo from the pregressive insurance commercials and she gave birth to the geico gecco. I need to stop taking ambian.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

he started yelling "squirt for me" then his girlfriend knocked on the door and told us to keep it down

(919): View more from North Carolina

i'm not really understanding how she couldn't figure out it was him

Fav 67 4262 1494
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(813): View more from Florida

why is every porn film shot in the same house? with the same red couch!?!

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(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are are

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you are arewhere are youu

(631): View more from New York

Where you are. You must stay where you 5eare wher are you!!

Fav 12 1424 954
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(978): View more from Massachusetts

Yeah, where have you been?

(407): View more from Florida

Clearly not facebooking enough. Sweet jesus.

Fav 1 1585 870
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(970): View more from Colorado

I woke up and my panties were thumbtacked to his wall. Out of my reach.

Fav 44 4432 1929
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(281): View more from Texas

I just know... :) goodntight

(1-281): View more from Texas

Whoops, meant "goodnight", but the other is true too.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

Can you bring me a pair of sunglasses to the bathroom please... Don't judge me.

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(207): View more from Maine

we just saw you getting yelled at by the cops for trying to 'hijack' a street sweeper...how have you not been arrested yet?

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(614): View more from Ohio

We all know the best way to start a relationship is greeting while at least one of you are intoxicated, dual facebook stalking, and a two week long game of 20 questions via texts to 'really' get to know each other. In that order.

(1-614): View more from Ohio

I wouldn't have it any other way. It's like a fairy tale!

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(828): View more from North Carolina

everyone knows that carl winslow was the sexiest man in die hard.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Do you ever look at a vegetable and think "that would be awesome to shove up my vagina"?

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(773): View more from Illinois

I really like you and I'm tired of just hooking up. I want you be my boyfriend.

(1-773): View more from Illinois

Uhh, I'm not breaking up with my girlfriend to be with you.

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(757): View more from Virginia

then he compared my vagina to a dishwasher. A DISHWASHER?!

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(646): View more from New York

There comes a time in every girls life when she must use her boobs for good instead of evil.

(1-646): View more from New York

Your pregnant arnt you

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(360): View more from Washington

He made me a "booty call of the year" award.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I drank so much Goldschläger last night, I could shit a necklace.

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(917): View more from New York City

I will be home in 10 min. Dont be beating off on the couch

(740): View more from Ohio

enter at your own risk

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(303): View more from Colorado

My mom just told me to make sure my face isn't on the front cover of the newspaper on 4/21. Challenge accepted

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

the fair has chocolate covered bacon...impossible is nothing.

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(425): View more from Washington

its like my vagina has this homing beacon out to all the guys saying "come find me, i havent been shaved in weeks"

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(810): View more from Michigan

The answer is no. Its an illegal search n seizure!

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(304): View more from West Virginia

will you please explain to me as to why or how i have a dirtbike tread looking bruise on my back?

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(760): View more from California

Why is your vibrator in the fridge?

(1-760): View more from California

I'm testing sex in Alaska before I go there.

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(773): View more from Illinois

Its as if he has to do the exact opposite of what I tell him. Don't come in my eye, pfshh it's in my eye. Don't come on the cat, pfshh it's on the cat.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

We're starting "No Hesitation Fridays." The probability of this going horribly are between 100 to 125 percent

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(443): View more from Maryland

My friend's 9-year-old son just informed me that for a cop station, you can't use a shotgun; you have to use a machine gun. Thank you, Grand Theft Auto, for single-handedly corrupting our youth.

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(989): View more from Michigan

I think I'm finally maturing. I'm happy he found someone. Good for him. I sincerely hope she doesn't choke on his tiny penis.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

He's married, a coworker, and a smoker. not sure which personal rule broken i'm most ashamed of...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I'm eating lunch next to a table of beautiful culturally-diverse women chattering away happily. It's like sitting next to a Yaz commercial.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Wow so 15 missed calls, a vm AND a text saying come downstairs? ...And where is downstairs? Explain.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I wonder if they've ever made a porno about the song "she'll be comin' round the mountain when she comes"

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

I was going through my mom's high school yearbook...almost half the people who signed it referred to her as "Karen Smokejoints", "Confused Karen", or drew a picture of a joint. I have never felt more like her daughter.

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(847): View more from Illinois

is it wrong that I prefer my women with low self esteem and a smidgen of an eating disorder?

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(613): View more from Ontario

I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

i have a "get your shit together" dinner with my parents tonight. After that ill be down to party

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(703): View more from Virginia

the amount of blow i got, New years should last a week.

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(417): View more from Missouri

quadriplegic porn is always funny

(832): View more from Houston, Texas

no. no its not

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(518): View more from New York

I need to stop having one night stands with guys in my building so I can have someone to borrow milk from without it being awkward

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(614): View more from Ohio

If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I swear, you have an app for that. "Attention: your boyfriend is pooping. Place call?"

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Operation extremely regretful is in full effect

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just slapped my cat in the face with my dildo. You were the only one I could tell.

(260): View more from Indiana

He probs deserved it.

(317): View more from Indiana

Every good man does.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Hello rock bottom. My name is Jared. Nice to meet you.

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

which gay bar do you need a ride home from?

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(818): View more from California

So I answered the door in my underwear expecting my boyfriend. Instead I opened the door to Mormon missionaries. Do you think that was a sign from God?

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(408): View more from California

you kept naming everything at the party...like "boy i'm going to make out with" and "table i'm going to dance on later"

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(540): View more from Virginia

Also thongs make me have to fart a lot.

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(703): View more from Virginia

The gyno asked how many partners i've had... I said ummmm she goes ok then i'll just put down ten.

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(210): View more from Texas

I should be sponsored by Trojan

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(916): View more from California

i think i have herpe

(1-916): View more from California

just one?

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(740): View more from Ohio

Baton twirling is one of his activities on facebook.

(740): View more from Ohio

Also he is "an Ohio stae gran champion twirler". You cannot tell me he's straight

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(218): View more from Minnesota

time for a it's-monday-night-and-this-week-is-gunna-suck-drink.

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(517): View more from Michigan

if i actually bought condoms for every time i had sex, i could single handedly fix the economy

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(516): View more from New York

i no longer even have beer goggles. i'm pretty sure i blacked out and had beer lasik.

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(850): View more from Florida

I mistook a propane tank for a keg.

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(410): View more from Maryland

hickory dickory dock, please dont tell me about your cock

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(347): View more from New York

k so who do I think I'm kidding applying to culinary school? I just fucked up a microwaveable pizza

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

But I always wanted my obit to read "Died violently in casino orgy," not "Never woke up from rectal surgery."

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(541): View more from Oregon

does drinking everclear count as brushing your teeth? because i think they are sterilized

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(480): View more from Arizona

I just gave the bartender my number in roman numerals. If she figures it out, she's worth a shot

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(941): View more from Florida

you're like the Neil Armstrong of terrible hookups, you are a pioneer

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(804): View more from Virginia

"Hung over, tired and having a faint scent of some body butter and random pieces of glitter from a girl named gigi, almost arrested in drug bust, $40 Canadian in my pocket and all i got was this lousy Tshirt" shirts dont exist, but they need to

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(310): View more from California

my boyfriend just named your boyfriend's penis.

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(386): View more from Florida

That girl really should ne nicer to her vagina. It's not a playground.

(954): View more from Florida

Apparently hers is a theme park.

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(315): View more from New York

THEY SHOULD WARN YOU WHEN THEY MAKE JELLO SHOTS WITH JACK DANIELS!!! THEY SHOULD WARN YOU!!!!!!!

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

girl in front of me at starbucks just ordered 7 shots of espresso in her latte. welcome to finals week

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(585): View more from New York

Apparently I did my philosophy paper last night. It's not bad either.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Superbowl + Mdma, hope we're on the same page.

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(810): View more from Michigan

So drunk its hurt

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(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, I would hit that so hard that whoever could pull me out would become the king of England

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(734): View more from Michigan

you set the microwave for an hour telling me that the done sound was your alarm.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

is it bad that while shopping i looked specifically for clothes that hold their form after taking them off and putting them on again and again?

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(716): View more from New York

He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid

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(562): View more from California

I found a vibrator in my car and it's not mine...this is becoming a weird day.

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(214): View more from Texas

btw ... thanks for not giving me up as the craigslist killer

(214): View more from Texas

i owe you one

(469): View more from Texas

thanks for snagging those panties for me

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(312): View more from Illinois

Dude I can't believe you let me go home with the wildabeast lastnight.

(773): View more from Illinois

You always hook up with hot girls we had to know you were mortal

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(248): View more from Michigan

Potential corruption. He's 19.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

Get them while they're young!

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(602): View more from Arizona

I wish they made sweatshirts for legs

(1-602): View more from Arizona

you mean pants?

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(415): View more from California

worst. lesbian. ever. i'm not sure she knows a clit from a pencil eraser.

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(941): View more from Florida

She is totally STD

(941): View more from Florida

Is it a bad omen that my phone auto corrects dtf to STD

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(208): View more from Idaho

I told him I'm not paying rent anymore because he's seen my boobs.

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(757): View more from Virginia

hi i'm bored and kind of... in a sort of dirty mood

(540): View more from Virginia

pics

(757): View more from Virginia

no i'm at a mixer dressed up as the teenage mutant ninja turtles

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(623): View more from Arizona

I thought about farting is his face when he was going down on me last nite.

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(909): View more from California

my mom just called and warned me someone is trying to serve me, i feel like i'm playing an extreme game of hide and go seek these next weeks

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(512): View more from Texas

I just had to explain to the pharmacy cashier that the Plan B and thank you notes I was buying were not related.

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(248): View more from Michigan

ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

for doing what?

(248): View more from Michigan

for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.

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(858): View more from California

She wants her shit back. Clearly she missed the cheaters-get-their-shit-ritually-burned clause.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.

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(813): View more from Florida

I accidentally screamed the wrong name last night. He stopped for a second, said "fuck it, you're too hot to care," and then continued fucking me.

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(305): View more from Florida

Imagine two people making love on top of a unicorn . . . my life is the opposite of that.

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(773): View more from Illinois

At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.

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(650): View more from California

Will you take my knitting needle, stick it far up my nose, reach in my frontal lobe and give it a few swirls?

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(443): View more from Maryland

i forgot how awkward it is to meet new people sober

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

i feel like a thai whore the morning after the navy left.

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(585): View more from New York

He's doing the 1:45AM lap: he goes around the bar, finds the hottest crying girl 15 minutes before close, and brings her home. I would feel bad for the girls if it wasn't such incredible genius.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I just got a ticket for the snow penis we made in our front yard.

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(503): View more from Oregon

You know how i spent all of black friday on the plane? Well guess who's getting a x-mas gift from skymall?!!??

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(314): View more from Missouri

There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.

(818): View more from California

Punch her baby.

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(925): View more from California

I'm masturbating to football. This is why I get guys and you don't

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(928): View more from Arizona

Awww my brother is growing up soo fast!! He just gave me the, "I know you're high but I won't tell mom n dad" look!

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(609): View more from New Jersey

I was being carried out of the bar, but then my friend saw Pat who just got kicked out scaling the wall to sneak back in, so he carried me back in, sat me on the bar stool, and the bartender just let us all keep drinking.

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Being persistent has its perks my friend.

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(914): View more from New York

Never have I ever before welcomed her period with such enthusiasm. She was starting to pick out baby names. She got me "What to Expect When You're Expecting."

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(317): View more from Indiana

Sorry I never got back to you. I got high. I know it sounds like a commercial or something... but its true

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(631): View more from New York

There isn't a single transaction on my online bank account that doesn't involve drugs or alcohol since November 12

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(773): View more from Illinois

he's the Salvador Dali of pubic shaving

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I just found out I have a small penis.

(781): View more from Massachusetts

Couldn't you tell by how you've NEVER had a girlfriend?

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(650): View more from California

Omg I just drooled on the screen of my phone from smiling with my mouth open while textin bahahahaahah

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(949): View more from California

My facebook horoscope today said I will have a little "confusion". Obviously astrology understands a blackout.

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(734): View more from Michigan

I think i just got paid for sex with a hot pocket... and i accepted

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(904): View more from Florida

i would totally switch to progressive if they'd let me bang that girl in the commercial.

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(352): View more from Florida

I just found 22 drunken videos and 4 naked pictures on my phone. We'll start the bidding at $5

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(251): View more from Alabama

I will make out with the first guy who tries to pick me up with a lyric from a rap song. I won't even reply, just be on him like whoa.

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(503): View more from Oregon

She said so on her MySpace, so it's gotta be true.

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(205): View more from Alabama

I was just wished a Happy Valentine's Day by the (Mexican) Chinese food delivery guy. I've never had clearer "get your life together" message than that.

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(858): View more from California

i wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commericals

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(650): View more from California

so Mike and I made a deal. we'd do anal if he would help me pick out carpet tomorrow.

(415): View more from California

What...you let him do that?

(650): View more from California

It wasnt that bad. the two minutes it took is nothing compared to the 10 hr day I have planned for him tomorrow

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(503): View more from Oregon

we agreed that it was acceptable to get the cat high as long as we gave her a lot of food.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I may or may not have just irish jigged at a bar. And broken out in a sweat from it. Not a good sign for that marathon yo.

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(917): View more from New York City

so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style

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(706): View more from Georgia

Now that I've come to graduate college. I realized the only discernible skill I learned was how to roll a joint properly. go me.

(1-706): View more from Georgia

Well thats $24,000 well spent.

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(310): View more from California

i think i have reached a jessica simpson level of regret

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(716): View more from New York

I think he just gave me the 'I used to fuck your sister' discount

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(231): View more from Michigan

You kept whispering, no one does me like Jimmy Johns does me.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I microwaved pizza rolls, a hot dog, and bacon in the same plate with no paper towels. I drank the grease at the end. I'm going to vomit everywhere.

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(734): View more from Michigan

cannot fit in my clothes. too depressed to drink.

(630): View more from Illinois

if you drink enough to puke, it's like a weight loss plan.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

just woke up to a get well card i wrote myself when i was drunk. it was by the advil. i am a cocky bitch.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

drunk lawn darts. Let's test the homeowners policy

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(540): View more from Virginia

Hey got that picture this morning. 1. clean your room 2.what happened to your nail? and 3. your penis is amazing,.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Why does he only make me orgasm when I'm about to break up with him?

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(862): View more from New Jersey

I wonder sometimes what your vagina thinks about you.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

This morning I saw a frozen puddle in front of my RA's door and I laughed, assuming someone poured water in hopes that she would slip and fall. That's when my roommate told me I had peed there last night. Thank you Captain Morgan!

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(606): View more from Kentucky

A 21st bday and NYE should be illegal to have in the same week...

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(507): View more from Minnesota

Redeem this text for a blowjob

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

dude i feel like shit

(413): View more from Massachusetts

well u did eat a lot of play-doh

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(571): View more from Virginia

shaved balls and baby powder=awesome

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(801): View more from Utah

Is 10 pm too early to booty call a freshman?

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(330): View more from Ohio

Is there a reason why the cops knew her name as they were chasing her?

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(714): View more from California

You seriously need to keep doing my sexting for me. I just said something about "riding cock like a dick rodeo"

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(256): View more from Alabama

Found a joint walking to class. I feel like the environment is rewarding me for being green.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

ok this is the part where i go up stairs and pass out incoherently untill 6 30 tommaorw morning and not rember any of this. love youuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuuu!

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My mom made me chili for when I get home from the bar. Those are the standards I expect you to live up to

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(419): View more from Ohio

it really sends the message that i like to impregnate mortal women and have them birth fantastic half man-half god infants.

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(954): View more from Florida

I can tell how much and what I drank by my morning shits

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(509): View more from Washington

Don't bone anyone, just think of ur vibrator lol

(661): View more from California

HHaaaaaaaaa mmmmn vibrator

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(754): View more from Florida

Been at work for four hours and just discovered the chairs in my office double as a napping surface. Most productive thing I've done all day

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(917): View more from New York City

My psychiatrist is "consulting" others. I am high-achieving nuts.

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(240): View more from Maryland

Squirrels and blue jays and dove-like things. They're just frolicking around in my backyard. I wanna be like them.

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(914): View more from New York

last night you decided it was time to "get organized" and "straighten out your life." You pulled out a bag of troll dolls, sorted through them and got nostalgic. You demanded both andy and i take one and keep it forever.

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(516): View more from New York

Just got physical proof that at 6 am i was running around with raw potatoes threatening to mash them on his floor. Hello, Mobile uploads

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(305): View more from Florida

i keep seeing random pieces of my outfit all around town.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

I woke up hugging a loaf of bread and a water bottle this morning

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

My face left an imprint in the loaf...

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(205): View more from Alabama

it took everything i had not to yell out "your name means death in german!"

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(207): View more from Maine

using no condom is gross. my vagina has a dress code.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Why do guys in porn never have boxers on?

(941): View more from Florida

better question: why do you always text me when you're watching porn

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Writing my paper on freud at bar

(917): View more from New York City

??

(203): View more from Connecticut

Going up to girls and asking if they were anal explosive or anal retentive as children

(917): View more from New York City

Smooth

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(734): View more from Michigan

so he tried to quietly tell me my Tampon String was hanging out in front of his family but i didn't hear him so he yelled it

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

no i do not regret standing at the wendys drive thu handing the employees mardi gra beads to get free chicken nuggets

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(210): View more from Texas

Just got my cast off. My occupational therapist wants me to self-gratify. My clit is about to have an awesome weekend...

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(540): View more from Virginia

I have the Lakers game on, but all I can think about is having sex with you. Not sure what you've done here.

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(703): View more from Virginia

bitch please you did NOT just unlike my status..

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

it's just weird having a massive boner in the morning when you could have used it the night before.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

I need a creepy friend to scare off the other creepy people

(617): View more from Massachusetts

I would be honored to be that friend.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

You were dancing on the bar and fell off into the arms of the hot bartender. It was like a fairy tale, with more alcohol.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

everytime he calls himself the maxipad master i can't help but wonder what costume that would involve.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I lined up everyone's pillows and I'm playing Evel Knievel when I jerk off later.

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(850): View more from Florida

Writing a book: The Evolution of the Douche Bag: From Popped Collars to Ed Hardy Shirts. Doing research now.

(1-850): View more from Florida

Make sure you include chapters on white sunglasses, spray tans, and toxic amounts of hair gel.

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(631): View more from New York

She has more profile pics than tagged pics. narcissism at its best.

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(925): View more from California

GO HOME AND LIKE EVERYTHING ON COLT'S FACEBOOK UNTIL 2007.

(1-925): View more from California

Wtf it's a Friday night?

(925): View more from California

PRIORITIZE.

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(407): View more from Florida

i need a shirt that says "I fuck trainwrecks"

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(315): View more from New York

i fell off the bed in the middle of it, and he yelled "5 second rule" and kept fucking me. i think im in love

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(289): View more from Ontario

So instead of getting the if-you-hurt-my-little-girl-youre-dead talk, i got the alcohol-is-our-friend talk, i like her dad already

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(518): View more from New York

She was so wet my fingers were literally pruney when I got done with her

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

i just googled the alphabet. i couldnt remember if it was jklomnop or jklmnop.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Based on her brazillian stubble I would guess her plan had been to wait one more date before sleeping with me. Seems the plan was flexible.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I woke up with dick mouth, a raw vagina, an empty bottle of vodka and the best man next to me. I also found my thong by the pool. Best.Wedding.Ever.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

fuck yea just found my unicorn costume from when i was 8... still fits

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(248): View more from Michigan

I think I'm going to be in trouble for sneaking out last night. My Dad saw me drive up this morning when he was leaving early for work.

(1-248): View more from Michigan

What'd you say?

(248): View more from Michigan

I told him I was sleep driving

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(214): View more from Texas

they're scary. like turkeys that ate nuclear fucking steroids.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Haha so apparently that girl last thought I was you the whole time, and in the morning realized you weren't the one she fucked. Thanks for your help.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'm sitting on the patient chair, waiting for my vagina to be violated & "i don't want to miss a thing" has been playing on repeat. WHY IS THIS HAPPENING TO ME.

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(517): View more from Michigan

My own mom unfriended me on Facebook.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Just found out for my occult lit class (history of cults) final project is making a spellbook. Hello last term of college.

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(480): View more from Arizona

he just tried to convince me that tylenol is a gateway drug

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just randomly started counting the number of guys that I've hooked up with that are now gay. 11.

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(719): View more from Colorado

Found a barbie with nipples. Life is complete.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I'd just like to give a shout out to jesus and plan b for making this day possible.

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(310): View more from California

i just defriended some girl because according to her status she "doesn't give a fuck about shark week."

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(831): View more from California

theres a middle aged lesbian couple holding hands on the bus and a 17 or 18 year old christian girl visibly staring freaked out and audibly praying about it

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(402): View more from Nebraska

All signs point to mom being high. 1) making chicken at 2 am. 2) dancing to smooth jazz. 3) she asked where the peanut butter was

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(360): View more from Washington

he emptied an entire bag of goldfish onto the bed and rolled around yelling the theme to jaws trying to eat them

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(502): View more from Kentucky

Heard at work: Get out of my face before I cuntpunch you so hard your granddaughters have miscarriages. I love my job.

(973): View more from New Jersey

I'm moving there. Get me hired.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

we hate each other therefore the sex is mindblowing

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I got a handjob from a sober married woman in a parking lot in the middle of the day, yet you still cant manage to get laid by a drunk single slut at the bar at 1am. Wtf

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(602): View more from Arizona

i need to find a notary that isn't going to turn me in for blatantly lying to the us and chilean governments

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(203): View more from Connecticut

i'm almost one hundred percent positive that i have a warrant out for my arrest in this city. i also don't give a fuck because im drinking TEQUILAAAA

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(510): View more from California

I think I need to stop sleeping with him. Sex with him is just a reminder of the mediocrity of the rest of my life.

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(928): View more from Arizona

whats a positive sounding word for "exploit"?

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(443): View more from Maryland

I got kicked out of an open bar wedding reception. The bride "felt threatened" by my presence. Not my fault she's ugly

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(906): View more from Michigan

I puked last after eating a volcano taco and drinking vodka. I felt like a fucking dragon.

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(404): View more from Georgia

I saw that some person on TFLN used a bag of wine as a pillow. I tried it last night. I forgot to close the spout. I woke up and thought my face had a period

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(504): View more from Louisiana

today is my dealer's birthday. i dont know whether to give him the day off or call him saying happy birthday ill take a quarter please

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(541): View more from Oregon

get over here now. the boys are doing shots of everclear, chasing with monster, and some dude jsut walked in with a backpack full of tattoo gear.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

why do married chicks ALWAYS cry after?

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(503): View more from Oregon

Hey man your outta milk

(541): View more from Oregon

How the hell do you keep getting in my apartment?!

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(407): View more from Florida

He tried to blame not having a condom on the economy.

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(323): View more from California

Pride was great cause we really can now appreciate how far we've come as gay people!

(206): View more from Washington

Doll, if you're still fucking strangers behind the WeHo Sonic while high on E then we've come as far as 2003...

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Awesome morning. I just met my boyfriend's wife, should I have shaken her hand or was the hug a tad over the top?

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Are you seriously picking mariokart over a blowjob? nott to sound like a bitch but seriously?

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(312): View more from Illinois

spell your last name, im trying to find you on facebook

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(937): View more from Ohio

wtf. i just found you're porn stash.

(1-937): View more from Ohio

u like it?

(937): View more from Ohio

NOT THE POINT.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

You know i think she's just using me for sex

(1-608): View more from Wisconsin

I hate you.

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(361): View more from Texas

At any point in time, have you stopped and thought "I wonder how high Willie Nelson is right now?

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(212): View more from New York

They use the phrase "final warning" so often the words have lost all meaning.

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(864): View more from South Carolina

and the officer said have you been drinking

(864): View more from South Carolina

and i said NOO SIR.

(864): View more from South Carolina

and he said, I am a woman.

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(805): View more from California

do you have any idea how expensive it is to have the munchies at Disneyland?

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(248): View more from Michigan

so while trying to be a healthier drunk i discovered that putting airborne in natty is not an advisable decision

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(310): View more from California

the guy i hooked up with is asleep on our couch. please dont fuck him.

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(440): View more from Ohio

i an so hammered right now. I'm about to pass out but i just found the lion king dvd and i'm so happy words don't even describe.

(440): View more from Ohio

I'm gonna name my first kid mufasa regardless if It's a boy or girl

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(720): View more from Colorado

My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?

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(773): View more from Illinois

Just saw ur first draft of ur suicide note.

(773): View more from Illinois

You spelled "worthless" wrong.

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(516): View more from New York

she said "can't you just pull out and cum on my face? I hate scooping jizz out of my vag".

(917): View more from New York City

I'm assuming you texted me by mistake. you're not jizzing in or on me again, thanks for playing, douchebag.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

your suggestions for charades were, getting sucked into an aircraft turbine, getting raped by a dolphin, and having sex with a vacuum cleaner. you got your own, and actually used a vacuum cleaner as a prop.

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(733): View more from

i kno its fucked up..but id rather sleep it off than seek medical attention right now

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(661): View more from California

What the fuck I just showed up to court still drunk and the judge told me I smelled like his wife

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

This dude was wearing a "Plan B- One Step" backpack. I wonder how many more I have to buy until I get mine??

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(718): View more from New York

I wish the inside of the tampon box said "CONGRATULATIONS YOUR NOT A MOTHER!"

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(214): View more from Texas

She’s leaving for college so I made her a gift basket with all the essentials. You know- Ramen, a 12 pack of PBR, some leftover Plan B pills and a laminated business card for a good lawyer. Damn I’m a good big sister.

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(313): View more from Michigan

Also I hooked up with a trainer at my gym. Between her, the married chick, and the bartender, my life is becoming a bad porn plot.

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(303): View more from Colorado

Just got a call at work, I have to consent to a random drug and alcohol test by end of business day, if you arranged this it's the best/worst April fools prank ever.

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(406): View more from Montana

she pinky promised me she was 18

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

so he made me dinner last pm @whch point i askd if i could help out. he hands me his fucking laundry and asks me 2 do it

(1-617): View more from Massachusetts

only you. it could only happen to you.

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

that girl last night was a 15

(1-413): View more from Massachusetts

wait she was 15?

(413): View more from Massachusetts

no like black jack not sure if you should hit it

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(612): View more from Minnesota

He said hes taking shrooms and watching jurassic park so we're making a t-rex costume

(612): View more from Minnesota

we need ur ladder

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Oh and discovery of the day is it's the channel, not the time on your cable box. Thought it was 2:16 for 4 hours

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(801): View more from Utah

I wish everyone could be as happy as the people in the laxative commercials.

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(818): View more from California

On a scale of affliction to ed hardy, how douchy is in there right now?

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(845): View more from New York

mondays should just be called national damage control day

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(607): View more from New York

New. Vanessa hudgens nude pics

(1-607): View more from New York

That text made me feel like i signed up for some awesome celeb nude pic reminder

(1-607): View more from New York

Also, on a completely related note, just came up with an awesome business plan. You in?

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(775): View more from Nevada

you know it's the perfect hook up when you don't have any friends in common with his girlfriend on facebook.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I submitted an essay to my history teacher comparing changes in the middle ages to the song changes by David Bowie. I can't wait to see my grade on that.

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(813): View more from Florida

right before he busted, he moaned the british are coming.

(1-813): View more from Florida

only on the fourth of july.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I wish I could be a nicer person. Or a more sober one.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

my mom hid the smirnoff from me. this is the most fucked up game of hide and seek EVER

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(937): View more from Ohio

she told me she was pregnant in a never have i ever game

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(226): View more from Ontario

This is a mass text: my birthday is tomorrow, and I want a full day of birthday sex. Send me your availabities. Time slots begin at noon

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(704): View more from North Carolina

My doc was like ur only supposed to have 6 sexual partners..thats just one semester at college

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

A good Q tip ear swabbing is better than bad sex.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Assholes at mcdonalds drive through wouldn't serve us last night even though we said we were on small motorcycles that were to small for them to see and weren't heavy enough for the sensors. We made noises and everything.

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(757): View more from Virginia

Oh My! A car just drove by me a splashed me with a wave of water. I am drenched and soaking wet!

(734): View more from Michigan

I am sorry--all I heard is that you are wet.

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(661): View more from California

I just rolled a spliff on a dora the explorer tv tray. Preschool education meet afterschool special.

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(718): View more from New York

There's a dildo in the cheerios box here...

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(410): View more from Maryland

She paints her nails the color of the sheets of the last guy she slept with

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(313): View more from Michigan

hey did I tally my arm again of # of shots?

(734): View more from Michigan

nope, you were tallying rejections at the party

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(571): View more from Virginia

i don't know what the guinness world record is for longest time eating nothing but skittles but i'm going on six days

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(650): View more from California

We should be flying into LAX instead so when we land I can turn to the right and see the Hollywood sign

(562): View more from California

You can't even see the fuckin Hollywood sign from LAX. guess she never got the memo

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(318): View more from Louisiana

dude! the alphabet song and twinkle twinkle little star are like the same tune

(1-318): View more from Louisiana

what drug did you take to come to that conclusion??

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(404): View more from Georgia

Who's got a bloodstream full of margaritas by 2pm? Not you, that's for sure, because you've got one of those "real" jobs.

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(281): View more from Texas

i love how you can even make your typing come across bitchy

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(917): View more from New York City

I've been thinking about all the girls in my life in terms of applying to college.

(518): View more from New York

Huh?

(917): View more from New York City

I guess what im trying to say is that your my safety school.

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(361): View more from Texas

One girl and one boy is just not enough.

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(216): View more from Ohio

i woke up to see him pissing on your n64. thats like killing a unicorn. punishable by death for sure.

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(469): View more from Texas

i just woke up and "where the fuck is taco bell" was in my search engine...

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(339): View more from Massachusetts

just joined the mile high club. if this plane crashes because of this text, it was worth.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

The only problem is i have violated all potential new years resolutions at the new years party.

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(770): View more from Georgia

I just remembered we said the Lord's Prayer before we went out last night.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie

(420): View more from

your the best winggirl ever

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(716): View more from New York

my dad just asked me if my booty call guy that comes over at 3am and leaves at 6 would like to stay for sunday brunch next week. you in?

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(206): View more from Washington

I told him I was prego. He asked coul we do it without a condom now since I cldn't get any pregnanter. What an a-hole.

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(913): View more from Kansas

The university put out a message about those missing salt and pepper shakers... You should at least give back 60 of them.

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(585): View more from New York

I've developed breathing exercises to keep myself from puking..

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(908): View more from New Jersey

He came all over my face... then said "YOU HAVE BEEN ROBBED!"

(973): View more from New Jersey

What's this douchebags name?

(908): View more from New Jersey

Rob...

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(248): View more from Michigan

i have yet to find a random guy that would make me want to do any position besides missionary, these are what normal people call "applying standards"

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(845): View more from New York

He wouldn't let me go down on him. He stopped me and told me he was a giver.

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(443): View more from Maryland

the cashier wished me a happy fathers day while i bought condoms

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(703): View more from Virginia

To this day, he introduces me as "the girl I met climbing trees at 3 A.M."

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(270): View more from Kentucky

At one point last night while tipping the bartender you looked at him and said "If I need money later, I'm taking this back"

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was an extended period of my adolescent life where my friends and I would get high, drive around in my minivan listening exclusively to the wu tang clan, and intentionally crash into snowbanks

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(319): View more from Iowa

We asked "Is that Andy puking in the bushes, its 7 AM" he looks up and goes "It's okay guys, its 7:30"

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(801): View more from Utah

please dont pick me up from the airport dressed like a terrorist.

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(503): View more from Oregon

Well, I can't relate. I have no idea what it feels like to withhold sex. Or have self-control in general.

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(301): View more from Maryland

just dd'd my mom home while she begged me to let her drunk dial my ex, jammed out to party in the usa, and then passed the fuck out. thanks for the genes mom.

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(513): View more from Ohio

I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.

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(425): View more from Washington

I woke up wearing nothing but 7 partially eaten candy necklaces. Only one was around my neck. Don't even try to tell me I don't need plan B.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

dont touch anything in my room. If its phallus shaped, i can almost guarantee its been in my vagina.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

I'm drinking and throwing an enormous tennis ball at children. I couldn't be happier.

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(270): View more from Kentucky

Yeah, I just met her and we got arrested together. I think it was a good bonding experience.

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(281): View more from Texas

I need to keep friends like you around just in case hell grades on a curve.

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(631): View more from New York

I've spent too much of my life staring at my bberry and counting to 5 to see if it blinks

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I thought this kinda shit only happens to ugly people

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(910): View more from North Carolina

NC is no longer selling 190 proof Everclear. We are officially no longer the greatest state.

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(406): View more from Montana

someone owes me an orgasm

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

im at a loss of words.... a stripper is dancing to a Justin Bieber song.

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(239): View more from Florida

In case you were unaware playing with rabbits on ecstasy is the greatest thing ever. I feel like I'm ODing on adorable right now.

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(989): View more from Michigan

We just spray painted his balls while he is passed out....I cant wait to see him try to figure this out in the morning.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Our Neighbors are trying to steal our ducks!

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(678): View more from Georgia

why did i wake up with a kid named Raphael in my bed this morning?

(770): View more from Georgia

I dont know but you did call last night to tell me you found the last ninja turtle

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(310): View more from California

i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

yeah, but i heard shes schizophrenic

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

i wouldn't even care dude, i'd fuck her and all 7 of her personalities.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I found a pair of size 15 female undies on my floor?? is that big?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?

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(443): View more from Maryland

shes the only person ive ever met that could make "i don't swallow" sound sexy

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(740): View more from Ohio

he broke up with her mid blow job, and somehow convinced her to finish. I want his life

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i took an adderall last night to write a paper. i ended up watching 7 hours of roseanne and couldn't look away

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(424): View more from California

I'd wear matching sweaters with you

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(910): View more from North Carolina

the trail of clothing leading from the bed to the door was in the exact order i needed to put them on. underwear near the bed shoes by the door.

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(469): View more from Texas

I've gone to the bathroom 3 times. And forgot to pee. 3 times. Let's say we call it a night, I need to be found. I see a fish tank by the bar and some stairs.

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(513): View more from Ohio

sex in a ball pit. and I thought ghandi did great things.

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(503): View more from Oregon

There's limited edition cherry vanilla nyquil. It's like they know how much I hate myself and they're giving me a consolation prize.

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(951): View more from California

So after we got done with our cardiac arrest patient, I thought how awesome would it be to hook up the defibrillator pads to cook a burrito.

(909): View more from California

dude... how have they not drug tested you yet?

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(516): View more from New York

If you text me again I will gut all of your stuffed animals.

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(573): View more from Missouri

just got passed by a van of kids watching the little mermaid. debating speeding so i can watch

(636): View more from Missouri

Didn't u have court just yesterday for ur driving?

(573): View more from Missouri

IT'S THE LITTLE MERMAID! totally worth another year of probation

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

what is the aproppriate waiting time between having sex and playing super Mario brothers

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

6 min

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(913): View more from Kansas

It's called 'beer pong' not 'everclear and coke pong' for a reason...

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(678): View more from Georgia

Im like a co-bf. he pays for her birthday and christmas, but i get all the action.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i find it simply astounding you spelled drunken wrong but pterodactyl right

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(201): View more from New Jersey

As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere

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(620): View more from Kansas

Training to be a housewife: cleaning the house and masturbating while cookies are in the oven.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

she refuses to pay for the plan b and so do i. it's the most dangerous game of chicken i've ever been involved in. but i have my pride.

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(970): View more from Colorado

went thru the pain of a Brazilian and he's passed the fuck out while i eat Doritos and watch tbs. fuck married life i want out

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

How was your Memorial Day?

(1-717): View more from Pennsylvania

Don't remember... but I do have an American flag painted on my boob signed by a Staff Sargent... Oh God, I hope that's his military rank and not a nick name.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I love how adderall is equivalent to money on a college campus. just got a ride home and paid the driver in adderall...yeeah buddy

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(705): View more from Ontario

i gave her a can of corn and told her the cabs are accepting non perishable food items over the holidays. blatant lie and she lives like $40 away

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(712): View more from Iowa

The police scanner is talking about you again....

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(425): View more from Washington

My mom can no longer prohibit me from smoking pot..I sell to her boyfriend.

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(630): View more from Illinois

I sat a few seats down and one row behind a cute girl at the Cubs game today. Having watched her talk to the guy next to her, I found out only her name and age. I then used that information and pieced it together with over 500 girls on Facebook with the same name. I found the same girl, and we're now fbook friends.

(1-630): View more from Illinois

if being a creepy fuck was an olympic sport, they'd think you were using performance enhancing drugs...

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i want to give my vagina back to god and say no thank you

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(630): View more from Illinois

there was 4 little kids screaming in high pitched voices at the top of their lungs at the sox game and their mom just leaned over to me and said 'if thats not birth control i dont know what is'

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(973): View more from New Jersey

Coffee is gods way of saying go ahead, get absolutly trashed on weeknights, I got your back

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

All I know is that if a letter starts with "I'm aware you jerked off in the bathroom last night," I don't want to finish reading it.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

It got a little outta hand when you wanted to do body shots on the table.. at Dennys.. at 4 AM.. with lemonade

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(480): View more from Arizona

Received world's greatest BJ while in a planetarium. Was seeing stars while seeing stars.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Are they hot? And are the slutty? These are my concerns for any wedding. You say yes, and yes, I will be your best man

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(503): View more from Oregon

PS the last 3 guys I've hooked up with were a CEO, a mechanical bull operator and a magic the gathering player...I need a type...

(515): View more from Iowa

Ur type is ready and willing

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Is my tampon string too long for this dress?

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(260): View more from Indiana

I don't care how hot he got, I can't get past the PTSD flashbacks of the first time he fingered me

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I need help removing her.

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just realized i dont have a sober facebook picture since 2007

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(916): View more from California

So i closed my laptop as i started to fall off my bed and then i caught myself and realized that moment of catching myself is the difference between tuesday and friday.

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(702): View more from Nevada

she just built a cabin out of hotdogs and cooked it in the microwave.

(702): View more from Nevada

now she is shaking the plate and mumbling "this is what california must feel like"

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(301): View more from Maryland

dude,it's memorial day.not getting wasted=you're a terrorist

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(225): View more from Louisiana

i guess i had fun last thursday night because when i got on the drunk bus this thursday night everyone immediatley started chanting my name and telling me to do a bus flip

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

whats a bus flip?

(225): View more from Louisiana

idk but apparently i invented it

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(503): View more from Oregon

We are walking down to the lake and then i dont know. Where did you sleep?

(509): View more from Washington

Places.

(503): View more from Oregon

Plural? Please tell.

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(416): View more from Ontario

you came home covered in oatmeal wearing a tutu holding a stolen wrotting pumpkin and "its a girl" balloons tied around your neck.you were whispering the lyrics to aaron carters 'aarons party'. i think the real question was what DIDNT you drink last night

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(937): View more from Ohio

they could make at least 3 episode of "i shouldn't be alive" out of my weekend

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

he was uncircumcised...I HAVE NOT YET REACHED THAT SKILL LEVEL OF DICK

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(913): View more from Kansas

Pre-order weed for 4/20 and i'll give you a discount.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I'm currently imdbing Helena Bonham Carter to see if there are any pictures of her that don't scare the crap out of me.

(260): View more from Indiana

Good luck with that.

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(863): View more from Florida

I don't know how but I have our hotel room door handle in my purse... this can not be good

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(706): View more from Georgia

I think I'm in Tiajuana

(404): View more from Georgia

You are not in Tijuana. I saw you an hour ago

(706): View more from Georgia

I could be

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(304): View more from West Virginia

You spilled spaghetti on the floor, and kept telling the noodles to "settle down" as you tried to clean it up

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(807): View more from Ontario

I need a horse. I don't think you can get a DUI on a living creature.

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(847): View more from Illinois

If my thighs hurt from cage dancing last night, I can only imagine how yours feel

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(714): View more from California

DUDE DUDE I JUST GOT TH E BEST IDEA FOR A CHILDRENS BOOK "If You Give A Girl A Blow Job"

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(224): View more from Illinois

You picked me up and threw me on a barstool and shoved shots in front of me.

(630): View more from Illinois

Thats like the definition of a good friend

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(845): View more from New York

no dont talk to me..because of you my bar tab was more expensive than my hospital bill

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(407): View more from Florida

Theres a note on my antibiotics that says "Do not chew or crush. Swallow whole." I think that would be a good tattoo for just above my penis.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

my boss just made his own remix to aaron carter's i want candy. i cant decide if its the funniest or most embarrassing thing ive seen

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(318): View more from Louisiana

omg! a creepy truck driver just made a frog puppet wave at me!!!

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(817): View more from Texas

I really wanna talk..

(1-817): View more from Texas

if by talk you mean have nasty makeup sex involving marshmellow fluff.. I'm down

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(815): View more from Illinois

Girls only wine night turned into a sloppy drunk lesbian orgy again

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(352): View more from Florida

I either just heard my neighbors having sex or she really agreed with whatever he was talking about.

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(914): View more from New York

i'm not going because i feel like it's just gunna be a "this is your life" who i banged this years addition

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(817): View more from Texas

I wasn't pimping you out... I was helping you network!

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(206): View more from Washington

Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad

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(203): View more from Connecticut

There's a "art of the blow job" class in the city. We should go

(860): View more from Connecticut

Baby, I'm all set with that. That would be like trying to teach bruce lee how to kick someone in the head

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(606): View more from Kentucky

I hit 10,000 texts this month.. I think my grandkids have carpal tunnel.

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(512): View more from Texas

New Low: Just set a reminder on my phone for me to check on things I need to harvest late on Farmville.

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(248): View more from Michigan

girl you didnt miss much. except me passing out for 3 hours AT JOBBIE NOONER on some random's boat. i was topless, then completely naked. heard girls were throwing ice cubes at me. i was useless. remember nothing.

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(650): View more from California

Just FYI I rubbed poison oak on all your sheets and blankets so we all will know who you hooked up with (in about a day)

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(602): View more from Arizona

Goodnight sugar queer

(480): View more from Arizona

Sugar queer??

(602): View more from Arizona

Why does my predictive text prioritize 'queer' over 'puffs'?

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(319): View more from Iowa

How dare you send me a picture after midnight that isn't porn. You know the rules.

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(785): View more from Kansas

I'm sorry i'm just too high to handle anything besides pirates of the caribbean right now.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

the chair was smiling at me in sociology and i had to try not to burst out laughing.

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(514): View more from Quebec

Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in

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(612): View more from Minnesota

I just put a tampon in while driving. Don't tell me I don't got skills.

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(703): View more from Virginia

well after we realized that his best friend and my twin sister were hooking up it was kind of an unsopken agreement that we would too

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(518): View more from New York

4 feet of snow. teaching the cats how to snow swim. throwing them off the porch and seeing what happens.

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(904): View more from Florida

I just realized that "Hey girl, when you gonna let me tap that?" is in iambic pentameter. I'm going to write a poem...

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(530): View more from California

As soon as the judge read that I rear ended the car from getting roadhead he chuckled. You know he's been there before.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

As your boss, I feel obligated to tell you that turning our management meeting into a kegger may just be the best idea you've given me yet.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

just had to take a 4 hour nap to write a one page paper. its obviously the week after winter break.

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(925): View more from California

just went onto Yahoo and the featured article had a picture of one of the Jonas brothers. last two times the featured article was a celebrity's face the headline was "Michael Jackson is Dead" and "Pitchman Billy Mays is Dead" so naturally I got a little excited. Turns out he's just engaged. Who gives a fuck.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

My entire floor is waiting for the couple to come out of the shower. She's a screamer. We've blockaded them

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(718): View more from New York

I went to check the drunk texts i sent last night but my phone deleted them already. Even my phone is ashamed.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I can't believe he cheated

(1-860): View more from Connecticut

Whatever. Anytime she has an orgasm, it's because I taught him how

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(727): View more from Florida

i told her that she could bring as many friends as she wanted and then she asked how many people i could fit in my bed...BEST. DAY. EVERRRR.

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(213): View more from California

i yelled out "tuesday" during orgasim. he fucked me into 2 days from now.

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(804): View more from Virginia

my mom asked me how i could steal on a clear conscious and i told her it was because when i was younger she let me watch alladin and he did it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I swallowed your vile semen and you don't know what color my fucking eyes are!?

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(785): View more from Kansas

Was waiting for the adderal to kick in then realized I had been brushing my teeth for eighteen minuites

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(513): View more from Ohio

We asked an illegal alien to buy us beer. He didn't even want a tip. I'm going to Washington to plead that case.

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(513): View more from Ohio

walmarts paint section shouldnt be open at 3am

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(201): View more from New Jersey

If a man's penis is referred to as "the family jewels" does that make a woman's vagina a jewelry box?

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(319): View more from Iowa

In The Air Tonight was playing in the dentist's office. Had to stop the cleaner to do the drums.

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(546): View more from

Just did shrooms. Don't feel shit! Wsasted 40 bucks on this! Nothing's happenig except for this little gnome on my shoulder and the couch is melting. Fuckin waste of money.

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(845): View more from New York

It's a law of Nature, girls naturally hate eachother. It's only when there's no competition for a mate that they can hate each other a little less and then are appropriated into the "BFF" slot.

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(904): View more from Florida

I've been awake for 20+ hrs. What does that mean? I just realized if BSB were Twilight characters, Brian would be Jake and Howie would be Edward based on the video for "Everybody". That's unsettling.

(1-904): View more from Florida

It's unsettling that you took the time to think about that.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Semi hypothetical question. Do you think its physically possible to bruise your clit?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick

(972): View more from Texas

please tell me you have proof of this

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

almost just walked around my whole building with my bowl in my hand before i remembered 420 isnt a get out of jail free card

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(301): View more from Maryland

why are there beer bottles in my dishwasher?

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(201): View more from New Jersey

zippers are such a cool invention

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(847): View more from Illinois

Dude I just peed on my pants. not in them though. and yes there is a difference

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

the girls on my floor started fighting over who got to keep the random hoodies that boys forgot in my room after sex

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(443): View more from Maryland

i just picked a peanut m&m up off the floor. with my toes. and then proceeded to eat it.

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(910): View more from North Carolina

Guy passed out in the lobby with a keychain sharpie hanging from his belt loop. 1 guest came in and wrote on him, then others saw and got in line. I'm not waking him up.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I found out that all you need to write a 12 page paper is adderall and twizzlers

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(314): View more from Missouri

In case you were wondering...putting everclear into a humidifier DOES get you really really drunk.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

Umm ok I'm kinda freaked out right now bc the chick that lives next door is either having tantric sex or slowly suffocating her dog to death.

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(847): View more from Illinois

Any time before 12:00pm. Can go fuck itself.

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(252): View more from North Carolina

so jimmy johns showed up at our party last night. our house is sponsored now. living the dream.

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(214): View more from Texas

Haha he acted like he's never seen a tampon catapolt across the hall before

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(207): View more from Maine

hows the new call of duty?

(1-207): View more from Maine

I only had sex with the game case so far, but that part was awesome.

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

got so drunk i was kicked out of my own birthday party and tried taking a bottle of vodka with me

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(845): View more from New York

I was happy to be the center of attention..until i realized why everyone was staring

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

also, did you notice that when he quoted your email he used MLA format?

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(830): View more from Texas

If I was Danny Tanner and my wife died and left me with three kids I would hire a nanny rather than bringing in the sexually promiscuos uncle with a fetish for leather and rebellion and my obviously mentally ill (possibly gay) best friend Joey, who has never had a girlfriend and consistently talks in cartoon voices... a nanny is just a better choice

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(336): View more from North Carolina

This house was built for laser tag.

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(347): View more from New York

sometimes i wish i was a boob, they get to chill in soft and cuddly little cup things.

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(224): View more from Illinois

Tell your boss that he's keeping you from eating a fuck sundae off of these 36-24-36 34 D's waiting for you at home on Valentine's Day.

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(775): View more from Nevada

i wish mother nature was an actual person cause i'd bitch slap her for sure

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(231): View more from Michigan

my mom just texted me to let me know that Hooters is hiring

(989): View more from Michigan

i wish my mom had big dreams like that for me

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(212): View more from New York

he was like Britney Spears in bed.. a little chubby and too medicated to perform.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

do to the flooding of the park, there will be a midnight bikini mud wrestling party behind my dorm. all are welcome.

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(850): View more from Florida

I'm just trying to think of how much money Little Debbie would make if pot was legalized.

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(480): View more from Arizona

A few issues tonight. 1) Drunk since 1pm. 2) At the bar at 4pm. 3) James brought his sister, who has enormous breasts, isnt shy about cleavage, obviously slutty, and makes me want to do things that would even have Atheists sending me to hell. However, she's wearing glitter, so all Im thinking about is Edward Cullen. Go ahead and rip up my Man Card.

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(562): View more from California

...seriously? chocolate pudding? motorboating? No one has even done that to ME and i am 69 times the whore you are

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(214): View more from Texas

dude. I'm so drunk.

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is bryce's mom

(214): View more from Texas

I can't wait to have my cock in your ass

(972): View more from Texas

pete, this is still bryce's mom

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I just snuked. Sneezed and puked

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick

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(818): View more from California

well i just had my first "when i graduated college she was 12" morning

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(904): View more from Florida

Another one? Damn, how many David's is that?

(1-904): View more from Florida

six.

(904): View more from Florida

Oh, I thought it was higher.

(1-904): View more from Florida

No, that would be the Matt's

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(203): View more from Connecticut

I asked a girl to buy her a drink, she had I have a boyfriend, so I said, well i have a goldfish, she said what? I replied, oh I'm sorry I thought we were talking about shit that doesnt matter.

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(845): View more from New York

my debit card account is gonna say movie, movie, ice cream, movie, cheese fries, get a fucking life, movie

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(330): View more from Ohio

oral is when you put your mouth on someones privates and play moterboat or popsicle

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(314): View more from Missouri

We just had the worst moment of our late twenties.... We just realized we are too old for the real world

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(586): View more from Michigan

Be sure to let me know if your relationship crumbles so I can resume hitting on you

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(952): View more from Minnesota

True love is taking a shit with the one you love in the bathroom with you.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

I just opened a bottle of wine with a shoe and a tube of mascara. Get on my level

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(704): View more from North Carolina

i just looked at the calendar to see when spring break is and literally stopped eating

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.

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(801): View more from Utah

see... this is why i put birth control in all my friends drinks

(1-801): View more from Utah

wait.... you do what?

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(701): View more from North Dakota

My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.

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(585): View more from New York

you refused to come out of the bathroom until i asked you in spanish

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(604): View more from British Columbia

She didn't know my name but she knew I was Canadian so she just called me Canada. It sounded like the national anthem when we were fucking.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

I'm going to write a letter. It's going to say, Dear Every Girl Ever: Take some goddam initiative and wake me up with a blowjob and I will eat out of your hand. Love, Every Guy Ever

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I just decorated my birth control case with Lisa Frank stickers. If that doesn't scream 'I'm not ready for babies' I don't know what does.

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(404): View more from Georgia

My life is a requiem composed in the key of fuck.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

And i quote: "where's y'alls from comin' in with them accents?" - from a mississipi mcdonalds

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(785): View more from Kansas

it's all fun and games until somebody pulls the tampon string..

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(316): View more from Kansas

Is it sanitary to roast marshmallows over a cigarette lighter?

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(509): View more from Washington

I need a DD tuesday morning around 9 AM

(909): View more from California

I'm scared to ask why.....

(509): View more from Washington

1st bikini wax. Jose Cuervo is helping me prepare.

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(501): View more from Arkansas

Plotting your own moral demise should not be this fun

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(530): View more from California

If only guys knew how much awkward ass shaving goes into making sex this good...

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(248): View more from Michigan

Is your delayed response due to the massive amount of judging going on?

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(802): View more from Vermont

i wrote down the address for planned parenthood on the back of the receipt for the condom that broke

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(909): View more from California

Yeah i'm definitely friends with drunk kyle, not sober kyle.

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(613): View more from Ontario

ATMs should seriously have built in breathalysers, I would save so much money.

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(830): View more from Texas

I was hidding Easter eggs in CHURCH this morning when one of the older men came up to me and said "I always knew you'd be a bunny just not the Easter kind" ... Our congregation obviously has high hopes for their pastor's daighter

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(440): View more from Ohio

Got a basket, 50 condoms, some candy, 100 plastic eggs & my bunny costume. Campus will feel my wrath in 2 weeks

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(586): View more from Michigan

Just heard the garage door open and I immediately sprinted to the laptop to erase history, even though I haven't watched porn today...I believe Pavlov now.

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(858): View more from California

I rubbed one out into an envelope and mailed it to her. Game point, I win.

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(817): View more from Texas

Sweetheart, you've always been a horrid bitch...

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(828): View more from North Carolina

I hope im prettier

(1-828): View more from North Carolina

yea, just so you know this whole self-loathing thing is getting pretty fucking annoying

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(573): View more from Missouri

Today I realized that I've had whole drunk relationships with people. And sober me has and wants no part in it.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

wakey wakey hands off snakey

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(703): View more from Virginia

We made a late night liquor run, made margaritas and bloody marys and then retreated to opposite sides of the house to drink them. Alone.

(540): View more from Virginia

You guys make me sad

(703): View more from Virginia

You misspelled jealous there

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(949): View more from California

I just walked by that girl who tried to commit suicide over me in high school. That was weird.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Okay, guy from work I want to fuck just told me he liked the font on my PowerPoint presentation. It is so on.

(217): View more from Illinois

Make me proud, climb that corporate ladder.

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(917): View more from New York City

you know you were way too high when you wake up next to a handwritten list of all the things you'd do for a Klondike bar

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(970): View more from Colorado

I miss your penis. And I totally say this as a friend. I just miss it because it's great. You should be very proud of it.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

only my mom would pack illegal paraphernalia in a care package..

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(585): View more from New York

i'm signing you up for texting rehab

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm drinking a margarita out of my 'best bj' trophy and it tastes like victory.

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(661): View more from California

I don't know what's worse, the fact that my parents own a sex swing or the fact that my little cousin was playing on it

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

sorry probably not gonna make it :( kinda tied up right now

(1-484): View more from Pennsylvania

sad face, r u gay?... wait like really tied up?

(484): View more from Pennsylvania

:)

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(310): View more from California

I need to stop taking drags of other peoples cigarettes, it's such a tease. Like playing just the tip, you just can't

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(847): View more from Illinois

I think it's safe to say that I made out with the entire msu campus this weekend

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(323): View more from California

I totes stole your whore crown.

(239): View more from Florida

With great power comes great responsibility.

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(716): View more from New York

Do you remember that time on the drunk bus when I kept thanking the bus driver for serving our country?

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(250): View more from British Columbia

tequila makes me forget i have legs

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(248): View more from Michigan

I was wasted and lost so I called the cops and asked for directions. It seemed logical at the time

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(708): View more from Illinois

Why did we buy the only spinning apartment on campus?

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

seriously iPhone. stop autocorrecting all my fucks into ducks. you're making all my strong worded texts look harmless and adorable.

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(630): View more from Illinois

He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.

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(760): View more from California

dude my grandmas the shit. she has a sixth grade education and got hit by a car when she was 18. she cant smell.

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(918): View more from Oklahoma

you miss my big massive throbbing cock dont you?

(1-918): View more from Oklahoma

Woah.

(918): View more from Oklahoma

that's not how you spell hell yes.

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(210): View more from Texas

so the car was packed with everything from my dorm, plus my mom. during the 6 hour trip home she found my kama sutra. started flippin through it.....

(512): View more from Texas

oh shit that had to have been awkward

(210): View more from Texas

i thought so too. until she asked what the check marks were for

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(409): View more from Texas

The night started going down hill when she shot the cashier in the face with the confetti gun we bought at 711.

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(941): View more from Florida

my dad is drunk dialing our relatives who are stuck in a blizzard asking them to pick up sun tan lotion for him cause hes too drunk to drive to the store.

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(386): View more from Florida

According to Glamour magazine, experiencing sexual pleasure helps you live longer. I am dying an early death.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

so i told him i have my period and he put his head by my vagina and said "I HATE YOU!"

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(586): View more from Michigan

I used to have a blog that was basically all about ****** and all of his sexual misadventures

(586): View more from Michigan

I mean it made tucker max look like a fucking alterboy

(586): View more from Michigan

But unfortunatley his mom did a google search and found it

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(847): View more from Illinois

i hate when u poo a lot and when u wipe theres no poopy residue on the TP. it makes me feel like my butt hole is hiding something from me. just had 2tell sum1.

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(309): View more from Illinois

She was running around the bar, demanding everyone call her Jesus or else she would attack them like a llama. ack.

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(219): View more from Indiana

Half Baked? Au contraire, Ben and Jerry, I was fully baked when I ate that whole pint of ice cream.

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(207): View more from Maine

I just fell down my stairs. I know that you are 6 hours away but please come pick me up. I promise I will still be here on the stairs.

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(337): View more from Louisiana

All I heard was "You have collect call from Lafayette Parish Jail for Dude it was awesome! I'll tell you about it later!"

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(775): View more from Nevada

before smithy murders me i need you to know 3 things. 1) i got with smithy's little sister last night. 2) i will always love you like my own brother. 3) smithy's little sis digs anal.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

It's official. I now have that "I was drunk and needed the money" college story to share later in life.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

I took a bird feeder and filled it with alka-seltzer. Can you say fireworks?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

i tried slipping money on her dresser whenever she brings guys home hoping she'll start to question her goals in life... i think its only encouraging her

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(360): View more from Washington

Today I met the neighbor that shares my bedroom wall. When I pointed out my unit, he said, "Oh, that's you? Oh... that's you." I didn't think much of it until I was in bed tonight and I heard him clear his throat. He's. Heard. Everything.

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(707): View more from California

You can't just say things like "great depression theme party" and then not respond.

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(970): View more from Colorado

So the "just a friend" kid confessed his love for me...sometimes I hate how awesome I am.

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(276): View more from Virginia

Just sit in your kitchen floor until something speaks to you.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Hmm. I hear gunshots, car horns blaring, hear drunk white people screaming, and see about fifty status updates pertaining to the hawks. I guess they won.

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(519): View more from Ontario

i finally watched harry potter... a tad unrealistic if you ask me... i mean a ginger kid with 2 friends?

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(407): View more from Florida

You're the only person with a favorite bar in Disneyworld

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(501): View more from Arkansas

recycled a plan b box. kill a baby. save a tree.

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(519): View more from Ontario

dude i just figured out that the tostitos sign is two people eating chips and salsa. being high totally pays off sometimes

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(808): View more from Hawaii

I closed that bar. Sang every Beatles song in the book. Made Somoan friends.

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(614): View more from Ohio

Umm you don't wanna know how many "I'm sorry for calling you last night" fb wallposts I just had to write...

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I just got hit by a car. I'm fine; I'll be to the bars in about 15

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(513): View more from Ohio

I mean don't get me wrong, vaginas are terrifying, they look so sneaky with all their layers and secret compartments and trap doors

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(515): View more from Iowa

John Mayer's mother should have swallowed him when she had the chance.

(1-515): View more from Iowa

As in blowjob or cannibalism?

(515): View more from Iowa

I was thinking blowjob, but either would've been a better idea than giving him a record deal.

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(573): View more from Missouri

shit is crazy. i just keep thinking that this kid growing inside Emily used to live in my balls.

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(410): View more from Maryland

I'm dying. Please wear something slutty to my funeral.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I just took my friends on a tour of all the places I've had sex in my house. I dont know if that's more slutty, or the fact that it took 2 hours to complete..

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(201): View more from New Jersey

A relator touring our house this week saw the picture in our bathroom of steven passed out, yellow faced, with BALLS on his forehead, and had to ask "if that kid was alive or dead".

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(636): View more from Missouri

I just chugged a whole pitcher of beer in 1 min. 9 sec. A whole goddamn pitcher.

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(432): View more from Texas

So why didn't Edward and the Cullens just kill Hitler?

(207): View more from Maine

You need to stop watching Twilight.

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(905): View more from Ontario

i told you he always needs adult supervision he just tazered himself

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(916): View more from California

my brother walked in while we were fucking, silently took my bong from my closet, saluted us and walked out.

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(317): View more from Indiana

I've got 15 minutes to eat dinner and drink a 40. Four years of college has all been training for this moment.

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

I should be nowhere even remotely near facebook in this condition.

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(815): View more from Illinois

We were doing it doggy style, and I puked on the floor and started crying, he told me it was okay his cat would eat it... and if it would make me feel better we could do anal...

(847): View more from Illinois

And they lived happily ever after....

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(415): View more from California

Left my ID again and at a Giant's game. This is the second time they accepted my handgun safety certificate as proof of ID to buy beer.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

Had to use Google translator to be able to tell the cleaning lady not to throw away the condoms we have strategically placed throughout the house.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i can't wait to go to hell

(1-248): View more from Michigan

yeah...all of my friends will be there for sure

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(321): View more from Florida Space Coast

I introduced my face to asphalt last night. They didn't get along.

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(410): View more from Maryland

She said my main job as maid of honor is to ensure the groom doesn't find out that each of his seven groomsmen has had his penis inside her.

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(305): View more from Florida

she said she was living bicuriously through me.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

And people are going to start dressing like that in public, it's just ridiculous, the goths and now the GAGAs

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Just so you know, coffee creamer+water does not = milk.

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(914): View more from New York

I wish you got a notification every time someone masturbated to a Facebook picture of you...

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just found out my boyfriend is cheating on me, please tell me Carl is a unisex name.

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(623): View more from Arizona

My alcohol tolerance is way too high for this paycheck.

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(773): View more from Illinois

I don't make the first move. Ever. Unless were playing monopoly cause that's my shit

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(719): View more from Colorado

Is it sad that I woke up to more "Happy Holidays" texts on 4/20 than I did on Christmas?

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(917): View more from New York City

WISH UPON A TAMPON

(718): View more from New York

They constantly get farther than me.

(718): View more from New York

tampons.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

For the record dan just proved he knows the first and last names of ALL the members of NSync. Jury is no longer out on his sexuality.

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(347): View more from New York

Nhdgh I love you very much hello becausevs. Vagina pensiono

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(985): View more from Louisiana

I have a new drinking limit. I'll stop when I know I'm going to untag the picture that was just taken of me.

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(561): View more from Florida

You drink too much

(1-561): View more from Florida

No, I drink just the right amount - too often.

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(330): View more from Ohio

I just accidently deleted 60 gigs of porn from my external hard drive. Thats over 300 pornos! I think im gonna cry.

(1-330): View more from Ohio

Im surprised that you are even able to text me right now.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

The funny thing is... I'm about to go to the store to buy WD-40 and condoms... That's it.

(405): View more from Oklahoma

And before you ask they are unrelated purchases.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

If a "boob" guy and an "ass" guy are discussing which you are better qualified for....just let them

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(214): View more from Texas

call of duty 2 was the straight man's twilight

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(716): View more from New York

So random guy from last night came over tonight. I told myself I wasn't going to sleep with him but he had some killer dirty talk and a big penis in his arsenal...what was I supposed to do? Supposedly he lost his virginity to his wife and since their divorce a year ago I'm the 1st girl he's slept with, I feel like I just re-took his virginity...I feel like a rockstar.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

"romantic friends" sounds more classy then friends with benfits

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(+64): View more from New Zealand

If I die and they 'assume' it's natural causes, just go with it.

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I feel like our bond as friends is a lot stronger now that I've talked to you on the phone while having sex.

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(515): View more from Iowa

"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

The good news is the bleeding stopped. I think I'm going to sober up before I tell you the bad news though.

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(510): View more from California

We need to have an Itty-Bitty Titty Committee mtg somewhere in the range of 5 minutes to ASAP.

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

benefit of terrorism--they won't let you buy random one way plane tickets to random parts of the country for no reason nonmatter how high you are.

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(480): View more from Arizona

Then you jumped off your bed with your arms outstretched, yelled "I'm Goliath, watch out New York!" and then began singing the Gargoyles theme song as you 'soared' around your room.

(1-480): View more from Arizona

Don't be ridiculous, the Gargoyles theme song has no words. How could I sing that mess?

(480): View more from Arizona

You just started going "da da da da da! da da da da da! DA DA!!" then going "swoosh" as you glided about.

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(813): View more from Florida

So... on the count of three, we are going to forget last night ever happened... 1...2...3

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(641): View more from Iowa

she has no idea who harrison ford is.

(617): View more from Massachusetts

see that's why i'd never date someone born in the 90s

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(314): View more from Missouri

On a scale of one to Chris Brown, how angry are you?

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I got everything I ever gave her back, every picture, and money for the dog. I didn't want it she brought it all back and gave it to me. clothes jackets, pictures, dried flowers, ear rings, necklace...

(1-405): View more from Oklahoma

Sell it on ebay and let's go to the bar

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(914): View more from New York

Pete just told the whole party I'm a squirter

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(949): View more from California

Stoned ambition #8. Must learn sign language.

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(916): View more from California

Hey you

(732): View more from New Jersey

You're the only one I'll text back during sex. what's up?

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(425): View more from Washington

I just realized I've stolen a hat from every guy I fucked. Except the last one. Maybe there is hope for me.

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(845): View more from New York

im sorry i didnt take advantage of you..iwaned to

(1-845): View more from New York

i wanted you to too

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(631): View more from New York

just found deep spiritual meaning in spongebob.... that high.

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(214): View more from Texas

just got my girl scout cookies. wanna get high?

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(815): View more from Illinois

I woke up in what appears to be a taco bell graveyard in my bed.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

Just a heads up. Everytime I get arrested in Maine I claim I lost my ID and use your name.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Its a three day weekend with Valentines day thrown in... Im obligated to get drunk

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(313): View more from Michigan

I'm going to use my one free fuck up card tonight.

(734): View more from Michigan

What'd you do?

(313): View more from Michigan

Its more like what im about to do.

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(410): View more from Maryland

apparently my drunken alterego is a lazyeyed bisexual.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I hate having morals and standards the next morning.

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(519): View more from Ontario

my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.

(1-519): View more from Ontario

You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.

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(845): View more from New York

My grandmother just explained bulimia to me as a diet

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(708): View more from Illinois

oh man you're gonna hate me when you log onto facebook. remember i love you

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(415): View more from California

Did I ever tell u about how my buddy fucked peter coors's daughter and made a tshirt that said I TAPPED THE ROCKIES with her picture on it?

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I just deleted all the drug dealers from my phone, I guess this is growing up

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(804): View more from Virginia

And we will make penis cookies and eat them suggestively

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

They poked me and kept screaming "LAUGH DOUGH BOY" it's like 3rd grade all over again.

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(980): View more from North Carolina

You two kept repeating the same thing over and over. It was like looking after retarded pull-string dolls.

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(703): View more from Virginia

i learned of a new sex move called the pterodactyl. 3 guys stand in a row. 1 girl blows the one in the middle while jerking off the other two. kids these days!

(804): View more from Virginia

Yaeh! Back in our day we had to wait our turn for some party whore to blow us!

(703): View more from Virginia

well there you go. the average partycunt evolved into megapartycunt just like scientists predicted.

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(605): View more from South Dakota

and then the entire party sang the national anthem a capella around the keg.

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(804): View more from Virginia

You know, I didn't realize this at the time, but it appears that I am being "heavily petted" by 3 grown men in that pic.

(1-804): View more from Virginia

If these were biblical times then you'd be a Roman Senator.

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(408): View more from California

you said "tonight pinky, we take over the world" and then came in my face

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(856): View more from New Jersey

My mom foundout about my dui nd just called me to come home. I just took acid like 30 min ago. Wht should i do?

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(360): View more from Washington

I just want you to know that were having pizza delivered to the emergency room

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(979): View more from Texas

You've picked up chicks by quoting metal bands

(713): View more from Texas

When they're drunk they believe it's Shakespeare...enjoy the simple things

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(973): View more from New Jersey

i just went 2 months without giving head... thats like two months without coffee. or two months without sun.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

There's guys at my school running around throwing potatoes shouting "remember the famine." makes me proud to be Irish.

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(804): View more from Virginia

girl has like over 50 stars tattooed on her front, side and back. feels like i just fucked the universe.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

I just changed her number in my phone to "You Wouldn't If You were Sober"

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(206): View more from Washington

he stole me 6 pairs of frilly undies and proclaimed "your ass looks like a 5 in those. it'll be a 10 in these bad boys". every girl needs a gay bff.

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(281): View more from Texas

I just google mapped his house on satellite so i can really see how much money he has. Does that make me shallow?

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(314): View more from Missouri

I just got my poem back from the prof, there's a sticker of a girraffe on it and it says "you're awesome!" ... How can this even be considered real college?!?

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(303): View more from Colorado

pwbgyin

(1-303): View more from Colorado

what?

(303): View more from Colorado

penguin condom

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(734): View more from Michigan

debating whether or not to save the package from my first plan b pill. it would be a nice addition to any baby book.

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(708): View more from Illinois

Yea i traded my bed for half a bag of jimmy johns jalepno chips, am I proud of it no, Am I happy I did it? yes

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(540): View more from Virginia

my fart just smelled so bad i acutally gagged

(703): View more from Virginia

just because you are now my girlfriend does not mean you can text me nasty shit

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

walkin home..,.jsut saw the cheshire cat

(215): View more from Pennsylvania

watch out for the queen of hearts

(610): View more from Pennsylvania

fuucck i forgot ab her

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(702): View more from Nevada

Dude you can't just initiate a threesome via twitter

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(970): View more from Colorado

Remind me to tell you the "if you give a mouse a special brownie" story when you get back

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(757): View more from Virginia

If you had to guess, would you say that as a species, midgets are more or less flammable than humans?

(269): View more from Michigan

Less. Duh. They have less combustible mass.

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(650): View more from California

one two three fourrrrnication!

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(248): View more from Michigan

If you weren't supposed to have sex with your ex then they wouldn't rhyme.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Just got roadhead while going 95. I came for a mile and a half.

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(765): View more from Indiana

4 maple syrup blunts. Decided to sit on my roof and count the snowflakes that landed on my tongue. 84.

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(206): View more from Washington

On my way, I hope you have alcohol for me to blame stuff on...

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(306): View more from Saskatchewan

Seriously? Do you have me saved in your phone as 'check every 3 months to see if she's single yet'?

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(337): View more from Louisiana

Omg. I bid $3000 on a cave in Afghanistan on EBay last night.

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(647): View more from Ontario

Dude. The walls are totally staring at me right now. I told you this was a bad idea.

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(973): View more from New Jersey

no. you can't hotbox the world.

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(559): View more from California

Psycho is an understatement. U were running around the house screaming IM UNDER THE IMPERIOUS CURSE

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(917): View more from New York City

Just saw the liqour store owner get into a mercedes, almost proud to be responsible for that

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(913): View more from Kansas

So she farted while we were having sex but I was afraid she would stop because she was emberessed so i just went ahead and took the blame and apologized

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(586): View more from Michigan

Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm also annoyed at my horoscope for not warning me of my perils

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(309): View more from Illinois

I learned to sign I want to be on you today

(1-309): View more from Illinois

Score

(309): View more from Illinois

Deaf chicks here I come

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(951): View more from California

I mean we havent seen each other since december and then bam its cinco de mayo and were having sex under a life guard tower taking tequila shots between each position. no big deal

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(619): View more from California

just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.

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(253): View more from Washington

I seriously need to stop naming my lingerie sets after the boys I wear them for. I seriously just asked mom if she put Brett in the dryer

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(631): View more from New York

You asked the waitress for a vasectomy and handed her a butter knife, like you were ordering something from the menu

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

hey this is lauren, i have to type for jon because he's convinced the tongs he's holding are his real hands

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(480): View more from Arizona

the best part was when he threw his debit card on the table, looked at everyone and said "turn this into pizza!" It felt like a scene in a 'coming of age' teen comedy.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It tastes like I coughed up blood....hello liver damage, I've been expecting you.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

Please don't die.. At a gay bar... On a Wednesday. Obituaries are not allowed to be that entertaining.

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(801): View more from Utah

I would really like to get high with Bill Nye. I'm being dead serious. Every step I take is literally a step I take because it will take me closer to Science Guy high.

(1-801): View more from Utah

We could get him to build Inspector Gadget.

(801): View more from Utah

I didn't know you were high TOOOO!!!

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(416): View more from Toronto

Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

Ur keys r in ur purse. ur purse is on the couch. ur cigs r on ur front seat. u drank all ur wine. mollie took ur jkt bc u cockblocked her. and in case anyone asks, the saints won 31-17.

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(705): View more from Ontario

Dude you spent the last hour of the night in the bathroom crying, asking someone why you will never be as smart as Mr.Feeney from boy meets world.

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(618): View more from Illinois

Jeff just maced a waitress...it's way too early for this.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Is it bad when your hot neighbor is crying on her porch, and your 2nd thought is "maybe her boyfriend cheated on her and she'll want to fuck me for revenge sex?"

(1-440): View more from Ohio

Perfectly normal.

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(575): View more from New Mexico

The sign in front of ihop says "designated drivers get half off their order"

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(313): View more from Michigan

Being 21 is my favorite hobby I'm really good at it

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

I learned much from the teen babysitter: I can light a cigarette in a microwave.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I woke up this morning and thought "Im sure I've seen this house in a porno" and instantly googlemapped myself

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

this kid down the hall keeps banging on his drums...i feel like i'm living in jumanji

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(815): View more from Illinois

His text read: Sex? I replied: Not drunk enough. He bought 4 more rounds and tantalized me with the offer pizza later. This could be the beginning of a beautiful relationship.

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(323): View more from California

You know you want to come over later

(1-323): View more from California

1:27a: Um no

(1-323): View more from California

1:45a: Maybe

(1-323): View more from California

2:05a: Probably

(1-323): View more from California

2:38a: I'm outside, let me in

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Turns out they use me as an example of What Not To Do at freshman orientation. My little brother told me.

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(515): View more from Iowa

just brushed my teeth with a bottle of jack. ew. not all it's hyped up to be.

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(907): View more from Alaska

I don't know how, but he made a bong out of a hamster wheel. To say I am impressed is an understatement.

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(210): View more from Texas

I guess what I'm trying to say is you've fucked more people than the economy.

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(516): View more from New York

Dating is not our generation's strong point. We're an era that's good at getting laid.

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(325): View more from Texas

my life is one jail cell away from being a bad country music song.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

i just discovered how you can fold down the cardboard sleeve on a hot pocket. Life just got a whole lot easier.

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Dork........ .......... .. . ...... ........... .. . ... ...... .. . .... ..... .. .... ... .......... .... . . ..... Yeah its morse code, no big deal

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(904): View more from Florida

i love how i spend my mornings exploring my phone to see what i did last night.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

I successfully cooked a taquito with a lighter! My stomach hurts now tho.. im either guna blame it on the undercooked taquito or im feeling guily about porkin my brothers gf a lil bit ago

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(205): View more from Alabama

Why are my keys in the refrigerator?

(1-205): View more from Alabama

You said "This is gonna really confuse me tomorrow." Apparently drunk you plays pranks on hungover you.

(205): View more from Alabama

This explains so much.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Just wanted to make sure that my favorite hot mess is still alive. I dont need words, just a response of any sort. K hope youre living

(1-412): View more from Pennsylvania

bhystjhitsjhtiajielrfrhaug

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This is sufficient.

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(202): View more from Washington, DC

I mean what are real friends for if they won't hold down your wedding dress to allow for a keg stand

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(310): View more from California

please tell me if i'm home and in my bed

(1-310): View more from California

negative

(310): View more from California

come find me please

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(818): View more from California

The only thing I want to hear out of a girl's mouth tonight is, "slurp".

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(513): View more from Ohio

Do you ever think that bumblebee is the gay transformer?

(1-513): View more from Ohio

Every day of my life.

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(972): View more from Texas

**i WaNt TO sLaP mY niECe wHO ThINks iT iS cUte tO WriTE LiKE tHiS**

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(314): View more from Missouri

Tell mom and/or dad that I am going to be home late. I am really blazed. Don't tell them that part, though.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston, we have a problem

(781): View more from Massachusetts

where are u?

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Houston. That's the problem. I don't know how I got here.

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(313): View more from Michigan

I feel I need to conquer him. He's six ft eight and 265lbs. Its like the mount Everest of sex.

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(334): View more from Alabama

They still haven't come up with a cure for a hangover; good luck cancer.

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(408): View more from California

You drunk yet?

(925): View more from California

Nope. Give me two hours then delete my texts before you read them.

(408): View more from California

Cant make any promises.

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(302): View more from Delaware

I feel like i'm in the derek zoolander school for kids who can't read good.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

i got kicked out of Barns and Nobles cuz i put all the bibles in the fiction section

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(732): View more from New Jersey

Tell your broad to take a big shot of 'chill the fuck out' and put it on my tab.

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(757): View more from Virginia

if you made me into a cookie and threw me into a betty crocker easy bake oven on christmas morning...that's how baked i am

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(813): View more from Florida

He invited me to see "alison wonderland" WHAT THE FUCK THATS NOT A FIRST NAME/LAST NAME TYPE DEAL

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(204): View more from Manitoba

My cousin's wedding had personal beer funnels for each table and a drinking game against the bride and groom. im sorry for ever calling you white trash

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(778): View more from British Columbia

I wish my dick could take responsibilities for his own actions

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(847): View more from Illinois

i'm as serious about my hair as jesse from full house.

(1-847): View more from Illinois

that is uncle jesse to you, show some respect.

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(510): View more from California

my mario cart skills improve with alchohol. and i think my real car skills do to but the cop didnt see my logic

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(303): View more from Colorado

am i morally bankrupt?

(970): View more from Colorado

no. its just the recession

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(812): View more from Indiana

Theres was an instant understanding between us being drunk on the trampoline at four in the morning and the people walking down the road at the same time

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(752): View more from California

What should i be more turned off about... his massive collection of condoms or that he asked me to sign my name by number 68 on the list posted on his wall?

(209): View more from California

I think the two go hand in hand.

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(619): View more from California

all the douches that like ed hardy are the same douches that were obsessed with lisa frank

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(607): View more from New York

We can grow old together and our livers can fail together

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(703): View more from Virginia

swear to god, just saw some chick dressed in a full chicken costume buying eggs and telling the cashier that she "just wants her babies back."

(202): View more from Washington, DC

buy whatever she's on. a lot of it.

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(619): View more from California

Microwave minutes are longer than normal minutes.

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(480): View more from Arizona

You're pretty and everything..but you aren't worth the DUI

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(913): View more from Kansas

come over, blizzard of oz party. dress up.

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(571): View more from Virginia

What was your penis's nickname in high school? Also, what was it's theme song?

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(780): View more from Alberta, CA

Is Jonathan Taylor Thomas a gay? I need you to google search it for me. Its important

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(480): View more from Arizona

Woke up and went out for a cigarette and it was dead quiet. It was like the world just knew how many mistakes were made last night.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

I told my mom happy mother's day then rubbed my belly and said "Oh, and happy grandmother's day too..." She started sobbing. You were right, that wasn't the best way to tell her.

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(817): View more from Texas

I think I would be able to remember how to smoke but I can't seem to remember how to breathe.

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(231): View more from Michigan

I love him more than I love myself. Which is a lot...Because I'm narcissistic.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix

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(720): View more from Colorado

There is a banner on a house by campus that says "welcome to college dads. Thanks for dropping off your daughters!"

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(954): View more from Florida

We folded our dollar bills into airplanes. This really makes the strippers work for it. Like air miles.

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(607): View more from New York

he texted me at 1 in the morning to ask if i wanted to come over and play in the snow with him

(313): View more from Michigan

at least he gets points for a creative booty call

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(817): View more from Texas

Being a responsible DD does not include attempting to coordinate a 4 taxi caravan to bar #3

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(614): View more from Ohio

I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.

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(416): View more from Toronto

I've made out with men from every corner of the globe. Sex-wise, I've almost conquered europe. Take that napoleon

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(317): View more from Indiana

He's trying to kill me, one liver cell at a time. It's going to be a slow, but awesome death

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(732): View more from New Jersey

That's cool, I just have to let the dogs out AND SO HELP ME GOD IF YOU TEXT ME BAHA MEN LYRICS WE ARE NOT FRIENDS.

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(845): View more from New York

What hospital were we in last night? Insurance needs to know

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(502): View more from Kentucky

I just withdrew $200 in ones. I think the teller knew what was up

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(407): View more from Florida

this is a mass text: i just made a grilled cheese with an iron and pasta with the coffeemaker in the hotel room. bow before your new god.

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(440): View more from Ohio

I did my dad and i had to keep going back there to pick up coffee

(1-440): View more from Ohio

please read the first 4 words of that text and consider punctuation

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(805): View more from California

Who's your beautiful friend? Please include the words "Straight", "Single", and "Legal" in your response.

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(440): View more from Ohio

Just erased 'masturbate' from my mental To-Do list because I've got too much stuff to do. I hate adulthood

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(573): View more from Missouri

just hooked up with an air force officer in a hotel room paid for by the military. i feel like i should go around thanking taxpayers for the assist.

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(626): View more from California

Today's life lesson: fat girls should not wear tight miniskirts and vinyl leggings. This Forever 21 salesgirl is a hot mess.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

bl l w

(201): View more from New Jersey

this should be fun to decipher. I'd like to buy a vowel.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.

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(951): View more from California

my girlfriends now gay ex-boyfriend kissed me. tell maddie i can't hangout today

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(650): View more from California

after the first blizzard, i went out and bought a thirty and put it in a cooler and hid it out in the backyard. now the second blizzard has deposited 2 feet of snow on top of said cooler. there is a shovel and treasure map over here waiting for you

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(239): View more from Florida

And as you crawled into the bathroom last night you repeatedly said "I know the routine".

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(440): View more from Ohio

my mom sold the house because of the grow room the couple saw i had in the basement.

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(304): View more from West Virginia

Id like to know where dora the explorers parents are when she goes on all these crazy ass adventures

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(831): View more from California

So I have some interesting news. The pizza guy called the cops on me...

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(925): View more from California

I'm a big fan of 2 things right now: 1) Gatorade and 2) the fetal position

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(678): View more from Georgia

His dick was so small it sat perched on top of his balls like it was king of his scrotum.

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(801): View more from Utah

I think my mom's writing a book called how to fuck with your kids when you know they're high

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(614): View more from Ohio

shes hot in the i'd deny it if anyone asked kinda way

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

remeber the saying "bad choices make good memories" dude our bad choices dont even make memories.

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(732): View more from New Jersey

dear roomies, would anyone wanna donate the booze they left in the fridge over break to the "your roomies snowed in and all alone" fund?

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(816): View more from Missouri

After skinny dipping in your pond, I think me and tequila have added a whole new dynamic to our relationship.

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(248): View more from Michigan

i was concerned for your health after you took your "last shot" four times...

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(586): View more from Michigan

But regardless, you really stood out last night, you should give me a chance

(1-586): View more from Michigan

Sorry but you seem like a potential womanizer

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(817): View more from Texas

Our professor just said "No class today, go get stoned." A guy seriously walked over and hugged him.

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(310): View more from California

Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?

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(850): View more from Florida

the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...

(1-850): View more from Florida

that makes sense.

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(908): View more from New Jersey

It was at that point the crowd that gathered realized i wasn't getting arrested, and passed the sobriety tests. I got a standing ovation from 25 strangers

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Just hungoverly hit my funny bone with a hot straightener. Triple threat.

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(630): View more from Illinois

Do they make some cleansing product for your soul? Like mouthwash that makes you not a skank? Or is that what religions for?

(1-630): View more from Illinois

Eh, i think it's called sobriety. But its not fun.

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(817): View more from Texas

Is moral bankruptcy something you need to file for?

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(789): View more from

If you could channel this insane talent for stalking you'd be a great weapon for this country. If you had a crush on Bin Ladin, guaranteed he'd be found, monitered and tagged within five days.

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(607): View more from New York

I was looking through my facebook friends list to see how many ppl on the list i've hooked up with, and was effectively reminded of my failed friendships, relationships, fuck budy-ships, friends with benefits, and "i cant remember if i ever did shit with him but we're awkward now" ships.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

my voice of reason is faarrr too drunk for me to listen.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Learn some fucking English or leave me alone! "Your" is for something that belongs to you, like 'your herpes'. And "you're" is a contraction for "you are", like "you're not sleeping with me".

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(613): View more from Ontario

There needs to be a newsfeed for phones... A list of all my drunken calls, texts, BBMs, new contacts, pictures sent AND received, all in chronological order.

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(407): View more from Florida

I hate myself for knowing the words to party in the USA.

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

Milquetoast, coolest word ever.

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(818): View more from California

i just remebered that we smoked out my hamster yesterday...

(805): View more from California

i hope hes still alive. i just remember you give him a shit load of cereal and saying "trust me your going to need it"

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(516): View more from New York

The duggars are the reason premarital sex is ok. Because if you don't have it until marriage you have no self control when it happens. And 19 kids.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

I fucked him in a hamburger. literally. he has a hamburger bed.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Have you ever noticed that nowhere is the same thing as now here, i get my best ideas when i smoke

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(281): View more from Texas

i was watching iron chef and got motivated, so i made dinosaur chicken nuggets

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(804): View more from Virginia

god damn woman. you are like the herpes of drunk texting. you never go away.

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(407): View more from Florida

The Worst (noun)- 1. Getting up at 6am after a night of drinking. 2. Wearing a Peter Rabbit costume.

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(408): View more from California

I stayed up for an hour trying to make my room stop spinning and then I realized it was bc my fan was on

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(213): View more from California

You screamed for campus security to do something about the police officer who dumping ur 40

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(813): View more from Florida

Dudeeeee, i ordered strippers for my party.

(1-813): View more from Florida

I ordered a moonbounce.

(813): View more from Florida

Fuck, you win.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

you told everyone your name was brenda and you had the whole party chanting b-dawgg by the end of the night. successful.

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(508): View more from Massachusetts

He told me he looked up all the foods that make cum taste better and he put it all on his moms shopping list. she came through my line. this ones a keeper I think.

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(229): View more from Georgia

I've decided I'm either going to ease him into this breakup by having a threesome with him and the girl I'm leaving him for, or be brutal and fuck his room mate. it depends how nice he is tonight.

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(818): View more from California

Three questions. How does a tomato drive a car, how does an asparagus play a guitar, and how am I still so high that I chose to watch Veggie Tales?

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(352): View more from Florida

I just realized I have my pepper spray, gun, and vibrator all in one drawer. One false grab and I'm screwed either way.

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(650): View more from California

i'm sleeping with myself tonight because i remember my name and i won't regret it in the morning. sorry.

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(617): View more from Massachusetts

quick I need to know all the foods that the very hungry caterpillar ate

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(734): View more from Michigan

I thought smoking would make her look better, but all it did was enlighten me to her snaggletooth

(248): View more from Michigan

Sounds like a blessing in disguise

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(845): View more from New York

You said "It's ok guys, I know I'm not really a turtle" and then tried walking on the lake.

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(301): View more from Maryland

My dog ate my bag of weed. Thats not the easiest call to the vet to make.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

You kept excitedly announcing to the bar what time it was. Followed by an equally excited "Clock language still makes sense!"

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(410): View more from Maryland

There are walks of shame and then there are walks of what the hell is wrong with you.

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(702): View more from Nevada

i actually looked down at my cock today and said "whoa buddy, you need a haircut....(grimace) and a shower"

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

we're going to dress like we're asking for it, because we are

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(757): View more from Virginia

He is going overseas for 8 months, not only was that blowjob a going away present, but i was supporting the troops

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(323): View more from California

I'm being pulled over???

(520): View more from Arizona

For what!?!?!

(323): View more from California

??? I'm in a cab!!!!!

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(985): View more from Louisiana

any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

GUESS WHAT I JUST LICKED

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

I feel like half our conversations start this way.

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(970): View more from Colorado

We've already decided our costumes for next Halloween. She's going as Cookie Monster and I'm going as Elmo. She's just going to ask for Oatmeal Cookie shots, and I'm asking for Red-Headed Slut shots.

(303): View more from Colorado

Dude, its January.

(970): View more from Colorado

We're going to do the voices too.

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(206): View more from Washington

He was a level 5 clinger dude i dont need to be told how ridiculously awesome i am all the time, if so id just hang out with my mom

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(316): View more from Kansas

she thought the capital of kansas was topanga.

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(504): View more from Louisiana

Tickle wars 95% of the time end in sex.

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(301): View more from Maryland

Stuck in the Dallas airport. At the bar. Everytime a flight to DC gets cancelled, I'm takin a shot. Fuck you snow.

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(709): View more from Newfndlnd, Labradr

Saddest moment ever is discovering when your cat no longer wants to get high with you.

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(857): View more from Massachusetts

we have officially mastered the walk of shame

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(845): View more from New York

i can't find my house

(1-845): View more from New York

we droppd you off right in front! i even walked you to the steps less then 3 mins ago.

(845): View more from New York

i'm pretty sure my house moved.

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(706): View more from Georgia

You are the only person I know that goes to a bar enough to charge your iPhone there....

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

I need to surround myself with more reliable stoners...

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(614): View more from Ohio

Meh. I'll learn enough German to ask her for a handjob, then I'm out

(574): View more from Indiana

You never cease to amaze me.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

the red head has a bf

(1-843): View more from South Carolina

just because there's a goalie doesn't mean u can't score

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(303): View more from Colorado

Hehe I wanna Australian kiss.. Its like a French kiss but down under ;)

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(503): View more from Oregon

I just masturbated mid-day, thinking of you

(541): View more from Oregon

I think that is one of the most romantic things I have ever heard from a fuck buddy on v-day, there is a strong possibility that you will soon be my girlfriend.

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

Is your liver wearing a sombrero yet?

(1-603): View more from New Hampshire

No...more like a life jacket.

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(807): View more from Ontario

Is it bad that I had sex with another guy on my boyfriend's bed while he's out of town?

(1-807): View more from Ontario

Just flip the mattress, it erases all

(807): View more from Ontario

Done and done

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(318): View more from Louisiana

Reason #437 to hate Louisiana: Just went to the public bathroom at work. It was so humid the toilet seat was damp and sticky. Either it's the humidity or I sat in somebody's yesterday piss. I choose to believe the humidity.

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(253): View more from Washington

once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.

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(419): View more from Ohio

I was so high last night that i'm 89% sure my roommates set up an obstacle course for me and timed it. Not positive.. I think one of the challenges was pairing shoes

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(619): View more from California

I created a new tequila drink. it is a mix of excitement and fear instilled in innocent people.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Theyre still fighting about whether its called america or the united states.

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(712): View more from Iowa

i just overheard someone saying that they invented the 'tequila mockingbird' last night. sorry, but i found better friends

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(562): View more from California

it was one of those movies netflix should have sent weed with

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(516): View more from New York

you went around grabbing cigarettes out of peoples mouths and claiming you were curing cancer.

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(310): View more from California

I just cleaned my sheets and decided to do a black light test. My headboard is a masterpiece.

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(407): View more from Florida

Should I be alarmed that you're a regular enough at a bar to show up in sweatpants?

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(843): View more from South Carolina

happy early fathers day!!!

(829): View more from Dominican Rep

im not a father

(843): View more from South Carolina

about that...

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(517): View more from Michigan

i would bitch about being this hungover, but honestly im just happy to be alive after this weekend

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(417): View more from Missouri

I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.

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(586): View more from Michigan

Look at my ENTIRE past

(586): View more from Michigan

Highly public sexual behavior gross mismanagement of funds socially unaccpetable and radical speech and thought

(586): View more from Michigan

Might as well have a blog about it at this point

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(586): View more from Michigan

There was a point where some of my friends attempted 'moi's', which stands for makeout on introduction.

(586): View more from Michigan

It involved going up to women and very aggressively trying to make out with them upon meeting them

(586): View more from Michigan

Surprisingly the success rate was exceedingly high

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(203): View more from Connecticut

She's in Spain. I'm in Holland. World Cup Final is Sunday.

(917): View more from New York City

Dude, it's like the Romeo and Juliet of FIFA.

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(206): View more from Washington

It's like playing clue with my own life. I have to piece together what I did, where I was, how I did it, and who I did it to

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(616): View more from Michigan

Is it obsessive that I keep picking my crazy sex rug burn scab so it leaves a scar I can remember him by?

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(906): View more from Michigan

Dude, I think my check liver light just came on

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(410): View more from Maryland

You and your empty threats of no sex. Like.u.cud.hold.out.

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(515): View more from Iowa

I feel like someone was just looking at my memory and took out an eraser and was like "nope he doesnt need that"

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(919): View more from North Carolina

My corndog is like a popsicle of bread. A WHOLE. POPSICLE. OF BREAD.

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(203): View more from Connecticut

Can you come over to my place and make up for the crap you called sex yesterday?

(1-203): View more from Connecticut

Good morning to you

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Is it just me or are more fat girls getting belly button piercing these days?

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(248): View more from Michigan

I just wanna be some guy's midlife crisis

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(760): View more from California

Do you need to be saved?

(847): View more from Illinois

No I think I'm God

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(865): View more from Tennessee

Successful New Year's Eve:: Your first shower of the year is on Jan. 2nd... 'cause you didn't trust yourself to stand up long enough on Jan. 1st. Hello 2010.

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(+86): View more from China

Going to bed. I have to wake up early and teach small children. And then have affairs with their fathers. I'm going to get deported.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

No, I was feeling sad because all of the other girls were like model-skinny. But then I remembered that I had big boobs and went to hit on their boyfriends.

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(404): View more from Georgia

i may or may not be watching the land before time

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(630): View more from Illinois

Last night drunk me texted a sure to be hungover me my class schedule and locations for today. I'm like a mom preparing her child for the first day of school

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(478): View more from Georgia

closing bar tabs have helped me with simple math in college.

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(586): View more from Michigan

the shit that comes out of a woman's mouth when she knows you can't hit her is fucking unbelieveable

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(727): View more from Florida

writing the newer testament. It's the 3rd for the series. I'll update u the rule changes later.

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(248): View more from Michigan

He was from Iceland of course I didnt sleep with him, havent you seen Mighty Ducks 2???

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(954): View more from Florida

I just texted him to come over because I want to see if his hand fits the handprint bruise on my ass.....I feel like the cinderella of S&M

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(561): View more from Florida

he asked me what things i liked that he did in bed, and i told him all the things i hated so he would use it on that new bitch and she wouldnt hook up with him anymore.

(1-561): View more from Florida

you for real need to get over him dude

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(248): View more from Michigan

ah. the first shower back home is like a baptism from the sins of the past year

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i just lost my virginity for the 9th time. when will guys stop believing that nonsense line

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(317): View more from Indiana

I just packed a bowl in my room and use glad press n' seal to cover it so it wouldn't dump out in my pocket .

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(214): View more from Texas

My itunes is telling me i listened to toxic by b spears 108 times last night

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(513): View more from Ohio

I think the best way to start out any day is to watch 80's music videos. It's like visual wheaties.

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(607): View more from New York

you need to leave class get on facebook and start untagging IMMEDIATELY

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(803): View more from South Carolina

She needs to learn she only fits into our friendship as a DD.

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(530): View more from California

We are going out Saturday. Oh and we might also be jousting on bikes.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

You NEED to get fingered by a violinist. He used his left hand and make me cum, he's RIGHT handed.

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(423): View more from Tennessee

gettin drunk isnt as much fun when i can use my own id for it

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(203): View more from Connecticut

they just tried to tell me they weren't big into drugs. A) it was the 70's. B) I've seen the pictures.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Can we just schedule bi-weekly fucks and bypass all the bullshit?

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(586): View more from Michigan

1. Mark my dj buddy and I spent $1000 on bottles last night

(586): View more from Michigan

2. We were casually offered narcotics while walking down the street

(586): View more from Michigan

3. I will still be awake when you start school tmw, cause there's no last call

(586): View more from Michigan

So if any tells you miami is the same as the rest of america, there are just lying to you

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(402): View more from Nebraska

how soon is too soon to introduce handcuffs into a relationship?

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(732): View more from New Jersey

I won the karaoke contest at the bar last night, when they called my name i was doing blow off the toilet seat, i thought they caught me, i didnt even know there wasa contest

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(908): View more from New Jersey

So I've officially decided that I AM that drunken mistake that girls hate themselves for in the morning.

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(530): View more from California

I love having a boyfriend. I just ate pancakes with regular syrup and chocolate syrup, I havent shaved my legs in a week, and Im still going to get laid tonight.

(1-530): View more from California

fuck. you.

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(778): View more from British Columbia

so we have officially lost him as of 7 hours ago.. already called campus security, the drunk tank and the hospital. figure he'll turn up eventually..

(250): View more from British Columbia

i'll start checking the bushes on campus.

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(860): View more from Connecticut

The bong broke. we're having a little funeral followed by an inaugeration service for the new one

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(518): View more from New York

Let's play a little game called "Chill the Fuck Out" - you're our first contestant

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(801): View more from Utah

He had the Transformers symbol tattooed to his chest. We had to do it doggy style so I could laugh into my pillow instead of his face.

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(480): View more from Arizona

im pretty sure this vending machine only exists when im drunk

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(765): View more from Indiana

Get the fuck buddy a birthday present or not? He def deserves one, but how do I explain the debit card charge to my husband?

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

the new apple iphone has a feature that can find itself if you lose it, apple is getting closer to making a phone completely drunkproof...

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(516): View more from New York

He is drunkenly eating my teddy grahms and making little growling noises as he bites the head off of each one.

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(678): View more from Georgia

So then I told him that only a restaurant managed by a florida fan could run out of ketchup

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(253): View more from Washington

Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.

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(805): View more from California

He quoted an N'sync song to confess his attraction to me. Needless to say, I had sex with him.

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(845): View more from New York

So i'm in a museum and theres a punch bowl from 1765 with a picture of 3 men forcing the 4th to drink the punch bowl. Colonial hazing

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

This girl I work with, who is 18 btw, invited me to her baby shower. Do they sell abortions in gift certificate form?

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(360): View more from Washington

is sleeping with your Political Science professor Politically incorrect?

(503): View more from Oregon

Was he helping you 'cram' for your final, or just giving an oral exam?

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(215): View more from Pennsylvania

a girl walking in front of me just packed her cigarettes 72 times and yes i counted

(1-215): View more from Pennsylvania

how much adderall did you take today?

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(917): View more from New York City

Holy cold harsh reality of sobriety batman

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(212): View more from New York

chick im bringing home just asked our cab driver if she could do a line off his turban. i think im in love - or trouble.

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(443): View more from Maryland

do you know how hard it is to sit through a 3 hour movie with someone and not fuck them?

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(615): View more from Tennessee

To say the least, now you know you're a proper lady, passing a field sobriety test in heels...

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(915): View more from Texas

when i grow up i'm putting garbage disposals in all showers of my house so when you vomit in the shower its easy clean up

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(615): View more from Tennessee

Brickbreaker makes my post drinking poops that much better. Sorry, I had to tell someone who might agree.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I trust that you have thought of something completely illegal for us to do this weekend.

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(775): View more from Nevada

What do you call a girl with PMS and GPS?

(1-775): View more from Nevada

A crazy bitch that WILL find your ass!

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(307): View more from Wyoming

Omg. Budweiser tramp-stamp sighting @ Wal-mart. Best tattoo EVAR.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

I'm inventing beer flavored vodka. This raspberry shit makes me feel like a pussy.

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(248): View more from Michigan

Youre a pretentious asshole and im not sure who you think you are. Get the hell over yourself and the self righteous culture snob image because its pretty obnoxious.

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(307): View more from Wyoming

I've banged too many servicemen's wives to still be considered an American.

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(713): View more from Texas

I want to fuck you on the side of the bed tonight.

(512): View more from Texas

babe, don't say it like that!

(713): View more from Texas

I'm sorry, I want to penetrate you on the edge of our sleeping quarters this evening.

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(519): View more from Ontario

Some chick in the back of my Psychologhy of Addictions class just did a line off her hand. She tried to make it look subtle.

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(716): View more from New York

Let's face it. We both have sexy parts. Why not have them touch?!

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(252): View more from North Carolina

just wrote a 6 page paper on my blackberry. including 3 sources. college is teaching me good things so far.

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(212): View more from New York

btw, your gf is going to want to talk to you today...and consequently you're probably not going to want to talk to me...just a heads up

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(484): View more from Pennsylvania

Totally smoking with fifteen year olds.

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(614): View more from Ohio

how to cook rice: 1. put random amount of rice and water in a pot 2. have sex on the kitchen floor. when you are done having sex the rice is ready

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(845): View more from New York

Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.

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(919): View more from North Carolina

Fuck morning classes. Fuck early work. Fuck anything in the morning that doesn't involve sleeping, sex or bacon.

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(916): View more from California

i'd be lying to you if i said i didn't just bring up microsoft excel to make an alcohol budget

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(256): View more from Alabama

I just spent an hour correcting all the grammar and spelling of all the 2pac songs on my ipod

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(405): View more from Oklahoma

Never fear I pulled out... she had "lies about taking birth control" written all over her

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(713): View more from Texas

just jacked off with my ROTC uniform on. boy i feel like an american.

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(561): View more from Florida

Sam Adams makes it so easy to keep track of the seasons.

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(435): View more from Utah

this will be a night to untag.

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(850): View more from Florida

it's like a walk of shame rule, you always run into someone who saw you wearing that yesterday

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(310): View more from California

Fact: Godrick looks like David Archuleta

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend went down on me and as she did she hummed the theme from star wars and pretended my dick was a lightsaber...I'm buying the engagement ring tomorrow

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(415): View more from California

We're too lazy too send a pic of out balls. Just assume this is a pic of our balls and respond accordingly.

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(201): View more from New Jersey

i don't want a singing card. it disturbs my hangover. give me a pack of cigs taped to a bottle of wine and fuck me without a condom. happy vday baby.

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(609): View more from New Jersey

We walked into the bar in The Flying V formation from The Mighty Ducks. We were ready.

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(925): View more from California

It's really too bad Cosmo doesn't have "What To Do When You've Drunkenly Sucked His Dick and He Doesn't Text You Back" article.

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(704): View more from North Carolina

but why does your life always sound like the plot of a porn?

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(818): View more from California

Is it bad to mix sunny d with vodka if i dont have any real OJ?

(770): View more from Georgia

I've mixd ketchup with vodka before and called it a bloody mary, so, no.

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(301): View more from Maryland

I want to kish your cheek

(248): View more from Michigan

My cheeks are in Michigan

(301): View more from Maryland

Oh my lips are kind of stretchy

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(404): View more from Georgia

I cant believe you went over there and fucked her last night after everything you said

(770): View more from Georgia

she invited me over to play the wii, it's not like i intended to

(404): View more from Georgia

You KNEW her power was out...

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(219): View more from Indiana

I'm in a trailer park. But I'm not scared. The virgin always lives.

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(843): View more from South Carolina

you called to congratulate me on being the reason you lost never have i ever

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(908): View more from New Jersey

i'm watching degrassi (go figure) and the episode is about jimmy not being able to get a boner and now he's famous and rapping about popping pussies..i dont get it.

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(516): View more from New York

Never again will we have slut saturday. Never.

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(703): View more from Virginia

Dammit. I drunkenly drank all my milk at 6 AM in a misguided stupor to prevent my roommates from stealing my milk.

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(765): View more from Indiana

we saw a llama on the side of the road. That's when we knew everything was going to be alright.

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(214): View more from Texas

And now we have yet another reason to never travel to Detroit

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(303): View more from Colorado

One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.

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(720): View more from Colorado

the quote on the bathroom wall was "stop reading this and focus on peeing" and i realized i'd peed on the seat.

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(954): View more from Florida

I hope you fall in a pool of honey in an immensely populated region of bears.

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(734): View more from Michigan

Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?

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(308): View more from Nebraska

Next time I say "Watch this" Get me the fuck out of the bar.

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(775): View more from Nevada

FUUUUUCK she froze all my quaters inside the ice cubes again

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I just found 3 condoms in my math textbook... in the probability section... Under dependent and independent events...

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(970): View more from Colorado

she's basically destroyed all of the faith i had that skinny blond girls could be a functioning part of society.

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(714): View more from California

we used that portable toilet as a cooler to keep coronas. next person who tells me hospitals arn't fun needs to come party in rm 180.

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(720): View more from Colorado

More dangerous that a broken heart and a shotgun.

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(917): View more from New York City

He fucked volume into my hair. It was amazing.

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(813): View more from Florida

We're friends. And when I drunkenly send u a pic of my left testicle i would appreciate a response.

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(310): View more from California

It' a whole new level of walk of shame. I'm carrying his sheets since I have a washer/dryer.

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(716): View more from New York

She's like a pop up book from hell.

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(248): View more from Michigan

3:26am: come over

(847): View more from Illinois

you purposely dodge me and you could have stopped me from leaving, you know how far i live. YOU come over

(248): View more from Michigan

4:11am: mnlodp

(847): View more from Illinois

dude I don't understand hebrew and I'm not coming over

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(317): View more from Indiana

Putting the hydrocodone in Pez dispensers. Do you want Speedy Gonzales or Darth Vader?

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(304): View more from West Virginia

i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I just used an app to identify a song that was playing in the background of a porno. May god bless your soul steve jobs.

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(989): View more from Michigan

It was the most graceful puke ever. I just thought she dropped something underneath the bar until she told me what happened.

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(562): View more from California

Hey, go out with us like you promised. You're younger than us and should be able to handle your coke problem with grace.

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(607): View more from New York

You act like I was drinking alone...I had the entire Verizon network with me

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(732): View more from New Jersey

i got iced as i was inside of her. i fucking hate my friends

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(603): View more from New Hampshire

i'm sober ask me anything about the civil war

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(856): View more from New Jersey

2 classes, 3 finals, and $30 worth of adderall until this semester is over.

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(781): View more from Massachusetts

please don't text me until you can spell three letter words again.

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(204): View more from Manitoba

this stripper weighs a pound. I feel like I should tip her in food.

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(920): View more from Wisconsin

Is this a definitive no? All is forlorn? Such is fine, but i'm drunk and a sucker for concrete answers

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(774): View more from Massachusetts

Hurricane Earl: Get Blown party at my house friday! Byob: bring your own bitch/booze. Must have 80s blown hair style, kazoo/noise maker (vuvuzelas/airhorns are allowed), and/or bubble wands. \n

(617): View more from Massachusetts

Why am I even shocked you're doing this....

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(904): View more from Florida

i just went through and liked all 1,239 of her pictures instead of writing my english paper. don't tell her, i want her to be surprised

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(302): View more from Delaware

she took her clothes off and my dick went from =====> to =>

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(978): View more from Massachusetts

my head feels like I tried to put alcohol out of business last night

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(214): View more from Texas

probably shouldnt have written that paper while wasted, its starts with once upon a time

(972): View more from Texas

i tried to stop you but you kept shouting "two birds with one stone!"

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(310): View more from California

If I come over right now will you promise to distract your grandpa in the morning so I don't have to do the walk if shame with 1940's style judgement?

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(330): View more from Ohio

How long does it take to cook a corndog over a candle?

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(404): View more from Georgia

I am more sore today than I was after my car wreck. Take it as a compliment that you bang harder than a semi-truck.

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(502): View more from Kentucky

You think they'd ask my permission before turning Pajamarama into an orgy. I saw too many of my friends dicks at once the door got kicked down.

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(805): View more from California

Dude i just saw JT leaving the hospital. He drove there to get fluids because he was too drunk, so they hooked him up to an IV so he didn't get alcohol poisoning. Did I mention he drove there? Oh yea and our roommates in the hospital with alcohol poisoning, she just puked up coal. So many ppl are here, it's like a hospital party, I love spring quarter!

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(702): View more from Nevada

Kareoke will never be a sober sport

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(713): View more from Texas

I've walk of shamed through this apartment complex so many times, I think people think I live here.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

I'm celebrating tres de junio so if you can help me find some sombreros ill be grateful. Also, today in 1992 Aborigines were granted rights to their land so I might need some boomerangs.

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(505): View more from New Mexico

He was sucking on my finger.... and it was at that moment that I thought: Man. I wish I had a penis.

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(207): View more from Maine

so its thursday, which means its time to resume communication with you

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(410): View more from Maryland

can you sing with all the voices of the mountain? can you paint with al the colors of the windddd

(443): View more from Maryland

wasted?

(410): View more from Maryland

im pocohantasssss

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(248): View more from Michigan

Haym$ered

(734): View more from Michigan

turn off your phone and go to bed

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(734): View more from Michigan

hey call me

(810): View more from Michigan

can't. in the shower.

(734): View more from Michigan

... and this is probably why your phone does not work half the time.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

i'm out of smokes so i just had an after sex popsicle. this might become an addiction.

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(336): View more from North Carolina

Beer is about to convince me to do something really stupid.

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(641): View more from Iowa

I ate one of your animal crackers. just one. ok four. but no frosting. ok frosting.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

OMFG BINX FROM HOCUS POCUS IS MCGEE IN NCIS!!!!!!!! most. epic. realization. ever.

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(816): View more from Missouri

I'm sorry. I think I have multiple personalities. Or it was the acid. Either way. I'm sorry.

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(586): View more from Michigan

I hate cats. They're so curious, it's not their damn business.

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(803): View more from South Carolina

Do you think he woke up this morning, looked at you, and then regretted everything?

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(773): View more from Illinois

before i die, we are going to oregon and playing oregon trails for real. like putting things in a hat & people will pull out whether they live or die. and they die of fun things like typhoid, dysentary, or hunting accident.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I hate nights where "I found my underwear" can be considered a victory.

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(757): View more from Virginia

I decided to name my penis gatorade...is it in you?

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(818): View more from California

This girl told me I had the balls of an infant..I replied by saying her vagina looks like Stargate.

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(207): View more from Maine

We can't ever have kids because there's a chance that they'll end up just like us.

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(716): View more from New York

who do you think you are?

(407): View more from Florida

someone who doesn't ask that question

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(413): View more from Massachusetts

this kid just offered me adderall in exchange for my meal points. college at its finest

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(352): View more from Florida

Twist it, pull it, flick it... Bop it was like the first time I touched myself.

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(724): View more from Pennsylvania

I see my mary-anne walkin' awa-y-y! Bow Nahw now new, ne ne ne ne ne, ne ne nehw, ne ne new new Nah dan ah bwawn-now, ba bwan'll buh dada bwiddly doo.

(724): View more from Pennsylvania

That was supposed to be me air guitaring the solo from More than A Feeling

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(212): View more from New York

ok so I'm texting you now like I promised instead of drunktexting aaron and telling him how badly I want his cock tonight. aren't you proud?

(1-212): View more from New York

this is Aaron, hi

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(630): View more from Illinois

everybody makes mistakes

(1-630): View more from Illinois

i didn't know they allowed you to text in ambulances

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(305): View more from Florida

once she started licking the door on the stall, i got out of there and told her bf "this is your problem now" and walked away

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(214): View more from Texas

Still can't believe they give people like us a drivers license and college degree.

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(248): View more from Michigan

I don't think you'd be able to understand Inception if you weren't high...

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(516): View more from New York

I need to have sex with someone before he does. I need to win this break up!

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(510): View more from California

I just saw a midget ride by on a scooter...wearing a bowtie and a helmet. My life is complete.

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(905): View more from Toronto

Just found a glow stick inside of my vagina..

(1-905): View more from Toronto

With the amount of traffic your vagina gets, it was only a matter of time before someone threw a rave there.

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(856): View more from New Jersey

I just farted so loud that my cat got so scared he fell off the couch.

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(402): View more from Nebraska

Important life lesson - flammable and inflammable mean the same thing

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(630): View more from Illinois

just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.

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(570): View more from Pennsylvania

I just single handedly caused ferngully by printing the wrong 900 page document

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(949): View more from California

I'm sorry..where i come from learning how to exploit a wealthy middle aged man is a right of passage

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(814): View more from Pennsylvania

1. I feel like Jello 2. The girl i hooked up with last night isn't here and a different girl is lying next to me. 3. I have no clothes on 4. Can guys go on walks of shame?

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

My T9 text prediction thing keeps predicting every next word is going to be "midgets".

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(402): View more from Nebraska

meow

(1-402): View more from Nebraska

WTF. STOP SENDING ME ANIMAL NOISES. ITS FUCKING WEIRD.

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(972): View more from Texas

some kid came into the principals office and tried to explain what he was sent there for through interpretive dance.

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(262): View more from Wisconsin

I need a booty call who doesn't know my boyfriend or my friends.

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(608): View more from Wisconsin

Well, for starters you dressed up in all Green and kept singing that song from "A Goofy Movie". Then you made us call you Powerline for the rest of the night...needless to say no, you didn't hook up with her

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(940): View more from Texas

I googled "I hate my uterus" just to make sure I wasn't the only one.

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(785): View more from Kansas

Once you realized you couldn't finish the 30 you started walking down the street and leaving a beer in everyone's mailbox

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(715): View more from Wisconsin

In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."

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(480): View more from Arizona

The producers of Marley and Me owe me about $5 million. That's the dollar amount of embarrassment compensation required for making a 24-year-old male cry publicly on an airplane while sitting in the middle seat between a gorgeous babe and a guy with a do-rag

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(267): View more from Pennsylvania

I've decided that my new worst fear is that I'll end up on "I Didn't Know I was Pregnant"

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(765): View more from Indiana

I just got cut off for correcting the bartender's grammar. I should have never accepted that fucking editors position.

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(703): View more from Virginia

I like how the only thing you spelled correctly is "i'm tequila"

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(330): View more from Ohio

We discussed how the marijuana was making the dopamine float around our nucleus accumbens last night when we were high. Yet another example of how our science classes are perverting our good times.

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(636): View more from Missouri

Ridin mah bike see you on the moon

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(302): View more from Delaware

Who goes to Church hungover

(717): View more from Pennsylvania

Those who weren't lucky enough to go still drunk

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(301): View more from Maryland

this guy just used the pickup line "God must have spent a little more time on you" I recognized the nsync lyric immediately.

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(301): View more from Maryland

remember that time that crown gas station wouldn't sell us a lighter so we had to use matches and birthday candles to smoke with a toilet paper roll? sometimes i miss high school

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(636): View more from Missouri

It's like I'm the Little Bo Peep of sheparding dicks.

(314): View more from Missouri

Only someone with your twisted mind could come up with that simile. Do you sit around and read 'How to turn Beloved Childrens Stories into Sexual Analogies?' This is the 3rd time you've done this.

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(706): View more from Georgia

What did you wear last night? Because I'm pretty sure there are atleast 4 Facebook statuses about your walk of shame.

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(817): View more from Texas

I hid my booze in my old Sesame Street lunch box. Big Bird might be disappointed, but I feel Oscar the Grouch would approve.

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(601): View more from Mississippi

Its official, cigarettes are now more expensive than weed

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(207): View more from Maine

A picture just appeared on facebook. I am puking in the toilet, you are next to me puking in the sink. I think we have our christmas card.

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(518): View more from New York

September 16th, captains log. I awoke in a daze, not sure of my location

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(301): View more from Maryland

Fuck appropriateness.

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(647): View more from Ontario

47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.

(1-647): View more from Ontario

Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?

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(973): View more from New Jersey

$22.99 left in the bank til payday = 3($7 jack & coke) + 2($0.89 T-Bell taco) + $0.21 in case of emergency.

(1-973): View more from New Jersey

math is fun

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(917): View more from New York City

I appreciate the offer. Swallowing pride is much like swallowing cum, difficult and unpleasant

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(248): View more from Michigan

your dad just showed up on the golfcart with a keg. i. love. our. neighborhood.

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(310): View more from California

Threesomes are so awesome. You even have company on your walk of shame :)

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(502): View more from Kentucky

WHY DID I DRINK ALL THE INGREDIENTS FOR VOMIT?!

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(812): View more from Indiana

My girlfriend and my fuck buddy both started their periods this weekend. The good news is, neither of them are pregnant. The bad news is, I'll have to find someone else to fuck til next weekend. No wait.....that's good news too.

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(612): View more from Minnesota

i ordered 12 mcnuggets at mcdonalds and ended up getting 20. for free. miracles really do happen when your high.

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(954): View more from Florida

Your an asshole

(1-954): View more from Florida

Actually, it's "you're an asshole"

(954): View more from Florida

My point exactly

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(937): View more from Ohio

I just don't want to have to pretend at every family function she brings him to that he didn't hit on me first

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(902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

did you fuck him yet?

(1-902): View more from Pr Edwrd Is, Nva Sctia

hahaha who do you think your talking to.. a nun?

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(440): View more from Ohio

i ate 2 chicken nuggets and puked out 5. that doesn't even make mathematical sense

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(309): View more from Illinois

i want to major in coloring with an emphasis on crayons.

(309): View more from Illinois

so finals studying is going well?

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(414): View more from Wisconsin

I took an adderall but just ended up meticulously arranging my farmville for hours

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(304): View more from West Virginia

STOP fucking him and come play in the snow with us!

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(425): View more from Washington

i learned a valuable lesson last night. sometimes nice girls finish first. twice.

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(225): View more from Louisiana

Oww! U thought rug burn was bad! Fuckin carseat burn hurts like a mother!!!

(1-225): View more from Louisiana

Wtf?

(225): View more from Louisiana

Use the slutty part of ur brain.

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(503): View more from Oregon

we fucked while he was on the clock. He didnt even take off his bullet proof vest. Dont tell me thats not bad ass.

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(313): View more from Michigan

How do I tell my mom that she just went to the gym with my water bottle filled with vodka...

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(717): View more from Pennsylvania

this morning i woke up with my panties on and i knew where i was. success.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

This place doesnt have redbull or serve shots. Its like they are at war with fun.

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(913): View more from Kansas

You keep asking me questions like I have this magical thing called a memory

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

just saw a DUI checkpoint outside of a taco bell...i feel like thats cheating...

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(512): View more from Texas

we're out of white wine, toilet paper and windex... too hard to explain via text

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(970): View more from Colorado

Found a waterbottle filled with a bloody mary in my purse this morning. Blacked-out me is always trying to help hungover me, it's so cute.

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(610): View more from Pennsylvania

doing washington apple shots with my mom. sunday afternoons suddenly got so much better.

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(406): View more from Montana

It was just a squirrel

(253): View more from Washington

You act like its normal to see a squirrel in the bar

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(316): View more from Kansas

I have hooked up with someone in EVERYONE OF MY CLASSES.

(1-316): View more from Kansas

That's how you know you deserve to be a senior

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(229): View more from Georgia

You told me when we were leaving the club if I could pin point your nipple through your padded bra you would show me if I was right.

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(708): View more from Illinois

sooo my mom just yelled up the stairs " you left your bowl down by the computer"....aaand for a second I forgot cereal bowls still existed

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(615): View more from Tennessee

my roommate left her license, credit card, and cellphone on her desk. I feel like this is a trap.

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(214): View more from Texas

Dude let's go to Saudi Arabia. They outlawed valentine's day. And probably love.

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(520): View more from Arizona

just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store

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(256): View more from Alabama

I wouldn't call it sex. It's like when you put a plug in a socket half way. It's not all the way in but it still turns on the light.

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(832): View more from Houston, Texas

i can now get sex on a playground off my list of things to do in life.

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(636): View more from Missouri

I wish life was like the Sims. Right when you're pregnant the music would play and I would just know instead of agonizing for the next two weeks.

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(412): View more from Pennsylvania

Why do girls get to wear clothes that say "do me now" but guys don't have that kind of option?

(412): View more from Pennsylvania

I mean, what would the male equivalent of a slutty dress be?

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(403): View more from Alberta, CA

I want to poop on a bird, just to show them what it's like.

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(708): View more from Illinois

After me and my boyfriend broke up I had to resist the temptation to send a mass text to my booty calls saying "thank you for your patience. it will be rewarded."

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(707): View more from California

My place. Tomorrow Night. Bring your liver, and something for it to do.

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(401): View more from Rhode Island

You are just a treasure cave of fabulous alcoholic ideas.

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(281): View more from Texas

So we fuck and I say, "I'm about to go." He tells me, "No, leave at ten.. just lay here for a little while." When I ask, "Why?!" He gets his feelings hurt and says, "ugh. or don't." Since when did guys start acting like girls?

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(419): View more from Ohio

I woke up to a text that said "You're a fucking asshole" Why is she so pissed at me?

(937): View more from Ohio

Im guessing it has something to do with running up to her boyfriend screaming "THIS IS SPARTA" and kicking him in the balls.

(419): View more from Ohio

Is that considered a cock block?

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(785): View more from Kansas

She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...

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(678): View more from Georgia

did u really fuck my little sister???

(706): View more from Georgia

im not saying yes or no but just know that my answer rhymes with "mess"

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(337): View more from Louisiana

if sarah has 12 dollars and spends 6 of it on cheap booze how much will she spend on hangover food the next morning?

(1-337): View more from Louisiana

4 on the dollar menu at mcdonalds

(337): View more from Louisiana

mom cant say that college never taught us math

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